Phyllis Vance
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Quotes for
Phyllis Vance (Character)
from "The Office" (2005)

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"The Office: Chair Model (#4.10)" (2008)
Andy Bernard: I left my cell phone in my car.
Phyllis Lapin: Call us when you get there, so we know you're okay.

[in the sitting area, writing down the numbers of women to set Michael up with]
Stanley Hudson: There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.
Phyllis Lapin: Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway. He can just deal with it.
Pam Beesly: Who are you putting down?
Jim Halpert: Oh, you don't know her.
Pam Beesly: Who is it?
Jim Halpert: Your mom.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, whatever.
[Jim smiles and shows her the card]
Pam Beesly: Give that to me! Give that to me.

Michael Scott: [discussing Phyllis' friend Sandy] Could we share a rowboat? Could... could a rowboat support her?
Phyllis Lapin: ...What are you asking?
Michael Scott: I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average-sized rowboat support her without capsizing?
Michael Scott: [long pause] It bothers me that you're not answering the question.
Phyllis Lapin: No, all right? No, she can't fit in a rowboat.
Michael Scott: Dammit, I knew it. I knew it, Phyllis! Okay...

"The Office: Phyllis' Wedding (#3.15)" (2007)
Phyllis Lapin: Yes. I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think of to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.

Phyllis: Why don't you take a seat and enjoy the buffet.
Michael Scott: I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back.
Phyllis: It's fish.

Minister: And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Phyllis: I do.
Michael Scott: [yelling] Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!
[silence, several people glare at Michael]
Minister: And do you, Bob, take Phyllis...
Michael Scott: [softly] Shh...

"The Office: The Dundies (#2.1)" (2005)
Dwight Schrute: So, what's the joke? You're not perfect, either.
Pam Beesly: We're not laughing at you, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: So, who are we laughing at?
Pam Beesly: Just something somebody wrote.
Dwight Schrute: Who, Dave Barry?
Kelly: [laughs] No, no. Just something that was written on the ladies' room wall.
Dwight Schrute: What is it? Who wrote it?
Pam Beesly: It's kind of private.
Phyllis: [whispers] It's about Michael.
Dwight Schrute: That is defacement of company property, so you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.
Pam Beesly: [laughing] Okay, now I'm laughing at you.

Dwight Schrute: Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please? I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies' room for a reason, and if you cannot behave like ladies, well, then you are not going to have a bathroom.
Pam Beesly: You're taking away our bathroom?
Dwight Schrute: We are going to have two mens' rooms.
Phyllis: But where would we... go?

"The Office: After Hours (#8.16)" (2012)
Andy Bernard: For dinner I went South of the border, and then went South of that border, and we have ourselves a Jamaican feast mon.
Phyllis Vance: If I wanted Jamaican food I would just hire a bunch of body guards and go there.

"The Office: Grief Counseling (#3.4)" (2006)
Michael Scott: [talking about Ed Truck's death] Can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception. Probably get on Pam.
Phyllis: Okay, that's enough.
Michael Scott: What?
Stanley: We do not want to hear about this.
Michael Scott: Well, you know what? I didn't want to hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work, he's on his way home... Wham! His cappa is detated from his head.
Stanley: You have just spit on my face.

"The Office: Dunder Mifflin Infinity (#4.2)" (2007)
[Michael interrupts Phyllis, Angela, and Pam as they're preparing Ryan's welcome-back party]
Michael Scott: [as Phyllis and Angela put up a banner] Can you make that straighter? That's what she said.
Phyllis Lapin: Did you plan that?
Michael Scott: [as he looks at his notes] No.
Pam Beesly: [Pam grabs and reads off the notes] "Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that." How can you even use that one naturally?
Michael Scott: Blowing up balloons, I thought.
Pam Beesly: "You might want to trim it a little."
Angela Martin: Michael...

"The Office: The Return (#3.13)" (2007)
Phyllis: Dwight had a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together, it can be explosive.

"The Office: Christmas Party (#2.10)" (2005)
Phyllis: Hi, guys. Does everyone know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: What line of work you in, Bob?

"The Office: The Fire (#2.4)" (2005)
Phyllis: [the employees are listing what books they would like to read on a desert island] "The Da Vinci Code."
Angela: "The Da Vinci Code." I would take "The Da Vinci Code," so I could burn "The Da Vinci Code."
Dwight Schrute: Okay, great. That's gonna keep you warm for, like, seven seconds.

"The Office: Murder (#6.10)" (2009)
Phyllis Vance: [in her game character] "I overheard you asking the butler where the pistol was kept."
[Michael gasps]
Dwight Schrute: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm the butler. What, you were listening in on that? Oh, you rich people, you think you can do whatever you want to the servant class!
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing.
Dwight Schrute: I will poison your food.

"The Office: Sex Ed (#7.4)" (2010)
Andy Bernard: Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please?
Stanley Hudson: Not again.
Andy Bernard: What do you mean "again"?
Stanley Hudson: You're always asking for our attention.
Andy Bernard: Well, maybe like a year ago.
Stanley Hudson: Mmm. Seems recent.
Andy Bernard: No, that's...
Oscar Martinez: Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.
Andy Bernard: Everyone, I've noticed that we've not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.
Phyllis Vance: Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention.
Stanley Hudson: World Cup. That's what I was thinking. You kept announcing scores.
Oscar Martinez: That's right.
Andy Bernard: It's the world's only international sport, so...

"The Office: Casual Friday (#5.24)" (2009)
Phyllis Vance: [to Pam] Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout.

"The Office: Sexual Harassment (#2.2)" (2005)
Michael Scott: You know what? I love Phyllis. And know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is an incredibly, incredibly attractive person. Come here, give me a kiss, come on
Phyllis Lapin: Michael, come on, you don't have to worry. I'm not gonna report you to HR.
Michael Scott: I'm not... I'm not worried! You know what? The only thing I am worried about is getting a boner.

"The Office: Women's Appreciation (#3.21)" (2007)
Karen Filippelli: What you're saying is extremely misogynistic.
Michael Scott: Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And it proves my point. Women can do anything.
Karen Filippelli: I'm saying that you're being sexist.
Michael Scott: No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.
Karen Filippelli: That's the same thing.
Phyllis Lapin: Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Phyllis Lapin: When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian.
Michael Scott: Because... That was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.
Angela: And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods.
Michael Scott: I have to know whether you're serious or not.

"The Office: Back from Vacation (#3.11)" (2007)
Phyllis Lapin: I've called every grocery store in Scranton and no one sells whole pigs.
Angela Martin: Did you try the petting zoo?

"The Office: A Benihana Christmas (#3.10)" (2006)
Angela: [Dunder Mifflin party planning committee meets in conference room to discuss holiday party festivities for the office] Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch.
Phyllis Lapin: I thought you said green was whorish.
Angela: No. Orange is whorish.
[Camera pulls back to show Phyllis wearing an orange blouse]
Karen Filippelli: So, I had a couple ideas to make the Stamford branch feel more at home. Each year, we have a Christmas raffle...
Angela: It would never work here.
Karen Filippelli: Okay. Um, another idea was karaoke.
Angela: No.
Karen Filippelli: A Christmas drinking game?
Meredith: Yes!
Angela: God help you.
Karen Filippelli: What?
Angela: These are all terrible ideas. And none of them are on the theme of a Nutcracker Christmas. I think you should leave.
Karen Filippelli: [laughs nervously, unsure what to do] You're kidding.
Angela: You tried this out, and it's clearly not for you. It's time to go. Come on. Please? Thank you.
[Karen looks to Pam for help, but Pam awkardly looks down at some papers leaving Karen to fend for herself. Angela rises and shows Karen to the door. Karen leaves the meeting]

"The Office: Booze Cruise (#2.11)" (2006)
Michael Scott: I see the sales department as the furnace.
Phyllis: A furnace?
Jim Halpert: How old is this ship?
Pam Beesley: How about the anchor?
Phyllis: What does the furnace do?
Michael Scott: All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. It's just... It's the sales... I see the sales department are down there. They're in the engine room, and they're shoveling coal into the furnace. Right? I mean, who saw the movie "Titanic"? They were very important in the movie "Titanic." Who saw it? Show of hands.
Jim Halpert: Not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right?
Michael Scott: "Titanic."
Pam Beesley: I think you're thinking of "The Hunt for Red October."

"The Office: Counseling (#7.2)" (2010)
Phyllis Vance: I'm glad Michael's getting help. He has a lot of issues and he's stupid.

"The Office: Boys and Girls (#2.15)" (2006)
Jan Levinson-Gould: Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly, but many women ask to go over it, so, "fumble" means...
Phyllis: Mistake.
Meredith: Slip.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Right. "Par for the course" is a golf term. It means "right on track." "Below par" means "worse." Wait. That should mean better. That doesn't make sense.
Kelly Kapoor: What about "second base"? Like, if Michael said he got to second base with you, does that mean you, like, closed a deal?
Jan Levinson-Gould: Excuse me?
Kelly Kapoor: I mean, that's a baseball term, right?
Jan Levinson-Gould: I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know.
[Kelly turns to the camera and winks]

"The Office: Money (#4.4)" (2007)
[In the conference room, the office workers are discussing the correct use of 'whoever' vs. 'whomever']
Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
Ryan Howard: Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin Malone: I don't know.
Pam Beesly: It's 'whom' when it's the object of the sentence and 'who' when it's the subject.
Phyllis Lapin: That sounds right.
Michael Scott: Well, it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley: How did Ryan use it, as an object?
Ryan Howard: As an object.
Kelly Kapoor: Ryan used *me* as an object.
Stanley: Is he right about that...?
Pam Beesly: How did he use it again?
Toby Flenderson: It was... Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object...
Michael Scott: Thank you!
Toby Flenderson: whomever, meaning us, the indirect object... which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael Scott: No one asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.

"The Office: The Injury (#2.12)" (2006)
Michael Scott: You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me.
Phyllis: Oh, we wouldn't do that. We love Stevie Wonder.

"The Office: Office Olympics (#2.3)" (2005)
Jim Halpert: Very nicely done. Okay, so I think that's H.O.R. for Stanley and H.O. for Phyllis.
Phyllis: Are you calling me a ho?
Jim Halpert: Oh my God. Phyllis coming alive, I like it.

"The Office: Weight Loss (#5.1)" (2008)
Phyllis Lapin: I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs.

"The Office: Casino Night (#2.22)" (2006)
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently, it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim Halpert: Nope. I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: That's a dog.
Pam Beesley: No, that's Afghan.
Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael Scott: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

"The Office: The Alliance (#1.4)" (2005)
Phyllis: Well, for decorations, maybe we could - it's stupid, forget it.
Angela: What?
Phyllis: Oh, I was just gonna say maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.
Angela: No, yeah, I think that's a good idea. What color do you guys think?
Phyllis: Well, there's green... blue... yellow... red.
Pam Beesly: How about green?
Angela: I think green is kind of whoreish.

"The Office: Launch Party (#4.3)" (2007)
Kevin Malone: [Angela and Phyllis are hanging up a banner for the Launch Party] Isn't 7:00 p.m. a little late for a lunch party?
Angela Martin: [to Phyllis] Lunch party? It's supposed to say "Launch Party." What is wrong with you?
Phyllis Lapin: [cuts to confessional] Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw, so I googled, "How to deal with difficult people." And I got all of this.
[she holds up a few sheets of paper with information]
Phyllis Lapin: So we're gonna try out some new things today.
Phyllis Lapin: [it cuts back to the office] So, how do you feel about the fact that the banner says "Lunch"?
Angela Martin: I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.
Phyllis Lapin: [Phyllis looks down at the sheets of paper] I'm so sorry to hear that. That must be awful.
Angela Martin: It is awful. You've made this day awful.
Kevin Malone: Maybe you could just change the U into an A.
Angela Martin: Then it would say "Lanch Party," Kevin. Would it really be better if it said "Lanch Party"?