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[as Toby introduces his replacement
] Toby Flenderson
: Michael Scott, this is Holly. Holly Flax
: Hi. Michael Scott
: Hi. Yeah, right. Okay, well, they hired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, God, for creating two of you. Here's how things work here: My job is to make the office fun. Your job is to make the office lame, and we have an eternal struggle, you and I, and only one of us can be the winner. Spoiler alert, I'm going to win. Holly Flax
: Man, someone doesn't like HR. Michael Scott
: Yeah. Holly Flax
: What did you do to him? Toby Flenderson
: Nothing. Michael Scott
: No, he tortured me with his awfulness.
[after handing Toby a wrapped present
] Toby Flenderson
: Wow, thanks, Michael, I didn't expect you... Michael Scott
: [cuts him off
] Can I just say that of all the idiots in all the idiot villages in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend.
[during Toby's exit interview
] Michael Scott
: I just have some... questions that I was gonna ask.
] Michael Scott
: Umm, who do you think you are? Toby Flenderson
: [long pause
] I'm Toby. Michael Scott
: Yeah. Correct. Umm... What gives... What... What gives you the right? Holly Flax
: ...Umm, I-I brought the binder. Do you wanna... take a little look? Michael Scott
: Sure. Yeah, you know what, that sounds good. Take a little look-see.
: [questioning the company's sexual harassment policy
] What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her "partner" in to work? Would that be crossing the line? Toby
: No. Michael Scott
: What if they made out in front of everybody? Toby
: Well, that would be... Michael Scott
: At home? And I told everubody everything about it? Toby
: Okay, I'm lost. Michael Scott
: Okay. Well, then, let's act it out. Pam, you will be Girl A, and Girl B will be...
[scans the room, but finds no one attractive
] Michael Scott
: Okay, we'll use the doll.
[grabs inflatable doll
] Michael Scott
: Pam? Pam.
[shot of Pam, horrified
: Hey, Toby. Toby
: Hey, Dwight. Dwight Schrute
: You said that we could come to you if we had any questions. Toby
: Sure. Dwight Schrute
] Where is the clitoris?
[Toby stares, shocked
] Dwight Schrute
: On a website, it said, "At the crest of the labia." What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like? Toby
: [talking to the camera
] Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking about human anatomy. I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.
: I need to talk to you in your office, it'll just take two seconds. Michael Scott
: Literally two seconds?
: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR. Michael Scott
: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you, you skeevy little perv? Toby
: All right. If you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it. Michael Scott
: No, no. No, I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on Earth. Got enough, weirdo?
: That photo is my personal property, and if you are telling me that you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am gonna call the cops. Toby
: Michael, nine different people e-mailed me that photo, including my ex-wife and... we don't talk. Michael Scott
: Well, this is probably the icebreaker you need.
: Hey, I need to talk to you... Michael Scott
: Not now, not ever.
: I don't really play cards, but I'm not going to lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael. Gonna chase that feeling.
: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna... Toby
: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's... You know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night... And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going? Michael Scott
: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.
: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from his female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.
: I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But if he did intend that... Wow. Genius.
: [unrolls jazz babies poster she chose during Yankee swap
] ... Yikes. Toby Flenderson
: Well, it's for Angela, so... Kelly Kapoor
: [shows everyone the poster
] That's like the creepiest thing that I've ever seen.
: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, that one from the e-mail? Michael Scott
: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?
: I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this?
[everyone in the conference room raises their hand
] Dwight Schrute
: Okay, really? Toby Flenderson
: Would you consider this a terrorist incident? Ryan Howard
: I felt terrorized. Dwight Schrute
: Come on. Toby Flenderson
: Oh! There's a whole other terrorism booklet for that. Dwight Schrute
: I just really, really think that we should handle this internally. Ryan Howard
: Dwight, why is it on us to protect you? Dwight Schrute
: Because you guys are my best friends. And I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground.
[everyone has a shocked expression
] Dwight Schrute
: And I mean that figuratively, not literally. Because you guys are so, so important to me. I love you guys, but don't cross me, but you're the best.
: Well, you know Michael, I have a brother in Boulder, Rory Flenderson. You should look him up. Michael Scott
: [through his teeth
: Is everything okay? Michael Scott
: You have to ask me that because you work for Human Resources.
] Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style, are we? Michael Scott
] Get out. Toby Flenderson
: Oh. Sorry. Michael Scott
: No. This is not a joke. What you said was offensive... and lame, so double offense. This is a place of welcoming, and... you should just get the hell out of here.
: Toby, can I really tell you anything? Toby Flenderson
: Of course. Michael Scott
: Well, the other night, I was sitting at the table eating my penis - I mean peas. That was weird. Ah, that's weird. I think it all stems from the fact that I was... I was probed. By an alien life force. An A.L.F. ALF. You know I might've actually been probed by ALF. You might think he's a puppet. You never see the lower half, but there's a lower half.
: Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato.
[In the conference room, the office workers are discussing the correct use of 'whoever' vs. 'whomever'
] Kevin Malone
: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night. Ryan Howard
: Do you really know which one is correct? Kevin Malone
: I don't know. Pam Beesly
: It's 'whom' when it's the object of the sentence and 'who' when it's the subject. Phyllis Lapin
: That sounds right. Michael Scott
: Well, it sounds right, but is it? Stanley
: How did Ryan use it, as an object? Ryan Howard
: As an object. Kelly Kapoor
: Ryan used *me* as an object. Stanley
: Is he right about that...? Pam Beesly
: How did he use it again? Toby Flenderson
: It was... Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object... Michael Scott
: Thank you! Toby Flenderson
: ...to whomever, meaning us, the indirect object... which is the correct usage of the word. Michael Scott
: No one asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.
: Help! Oh, God! Oh, help! Help me. Toby
: What happened? Michael Scott
: I fell off the toliet. I'm caught between the toliet and the wall. Toby
: What do you need? Michael Scott
: Not you. Someone else. Get Pam. Toby
: I don't think Pam's gonna wanna come in to the men's room. Michael Scott
: Get Ryan. He needs to lift me up, and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel.
[Ryan's eyes widen, as he shakes his head
: Ryan is dead. Michael Scott
: No, he's not. I just saw him. Toby
: Dead. No. Can you just get up yourself? You only grilled your foot. Michael Scott
: Forget it. I'll just get up myself.
: [reading from the suggestion box
] "You need to do something about your B.O." Dwight Schrute
: [repeating to staff
] "You need to do something about your B.O." Michael Scott
: Okay. Now, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion. And not an office suggestion. Far be it from me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody. Toby
: Aren't the suggestions meant for you? Michael Scott
: Well, Toby, if by me, you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that that is a very poor choice of words. Creed
: Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring. Michael Scott
: Was I, Creed? Okay, well, you know what I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs. Beause talk about stank. Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will. I just think it's something that we should be aware of, okay? Now that we've learned this, let's continue. See, this is good. We're learning and we're figuring some stuff out.
: You are not going to believe this. Dwight Schrute
: What? I believe it. Jim Halpert
: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen. Dwight Schrute
: I could tell from the body language. Jim Halpert
: [in the kitchen
] That looks good. What is it? Turkey? Kevin
: Italian. Jim Halpert
: Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion. Provolone... Kevin
] Jim Halpert
: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off. Dwight Schrute
: Good. Let 'em. That's fine. It helps our cause. Jim Halpert
: Well, I don't know, because if Kevin's in Accounting and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking... Dwight Schrute
: They're forming an alliance. Toby
: [back in kitchen
] I love their sandwiches. Jim Halpert
: I love their sandwiches too. Kevin
: Their bread's really good. Jim Halpert
: Their bread is very good. Dwight Schrute
: [back outside
] Damn it. God. Gah!
[kicks car and car alarm sounds
] Jim Halpert
: Okay, listen. We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off. Dwight Schrute
: God damn it! Why us? Jim Halpert
: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong!
: We should really have the office's air quality tested. I mean, we have radon coming from below. We have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers. Michael Scott
: You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.