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Andy Bernard (Character)
from "The Office" (2005)

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"The Office: Money (#4.4)" (2007)

Andy Bernard: [about Angela] You need to set me up with her. I know she told you that she's looking, and she's totally not responding to my moves.
Pam Beesly: What moves?
Andy Bernard: I have moonwalked past accounting, like, 10 times.
Pam Beesly: I can't believe that's not working.
Andy Bernard: Yeah.

Andy Bernard: Okay, well, I come from a line of WASPs so long it leads back to Moses.

Ryan Howard: What I really want, honestly, Michael, is for you to know it so that you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael Scott: [chuckles] Okay.
Ryan Howard: What?
Michael Scott: It's "whoever," not "whomever."
Ryan Howard: No, it's "whomever."
Michael Scott: No. "Whomever" is never actually right.
Jim Halpert: Well, sometimes it's right.
Creed Bratton: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy Bernard: No. Actually, "whomever" is the formal version of the word.
Oscar Martinez: Obviously, it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael Scott: [to camera] Not a native speaker.
Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

[deleted scene]
Dwight Schrute: State your business!
Andy Bernard: I am dying of love sickness and horny sickness.
Dwight Schrute: That isn't possible, unless you mean gonorrhea.
Andy Bernard: I'm talking about Angela, okay? Did you hear what she was saying to Pam the other day?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, I did, except I don't think she means it. Angela is in a great deal of pain because of the death of her cat and she is in a kind of grieving process and it makes her say things. So, best you just lay off.
Andy Bernard: No can do. I am itching all over with Angela-pox.
Jim Halpert: Oh, my God. You do have gonorrhea.

"The Office: Weight Loss (#5.1)" (2008)

Andy Bernard: Andy Bernard does not lose contests, he wins them... or he quits them because they are unfair.

Andy Bernard: Every little boy dreams of his fairytale wedding.

Andy Bernard: I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding, because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.

Andy Bernard: Hey, Ange...
[Angela gives Andy an annoyed look]
Andy Bernard: ...ela. Ela, ela, under my Ang-e-rella, ella, ella, ey, ey, ey...
Angela Martin: [annoyed] What?

"The Office: Product Recall (#3.20)" (2007)

[Andy has just found out his girlfriend is a high school student]
Andy Bernard: [horrified] Oh, my God!
Jim Halpert: Oh, *my* God.
Andy Bernard: I had no idea!
Jim Halpert: [grinning] Well, that's not gonna hold up in court.
Andy Bernard: We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.

Andy Bernard: So, Tuna, when we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay?
Jim Halpert: Did that really need to be said?

Michael Scott: Andy, you go.
Andy Bernard: [in a British accent] William Dolittle at your service, a.k.a. Will Do.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I'm definitely going to go alone.
Michael Scott: No! No! I need two men on this! That's what she said. No time! But she did. No time!

Andy Bernard: [in Andy's car] Beer me.
Jim Halpert: What's that?
Andy Bernard: Hand me that water.
[Jim does so]
Andy Bernard: I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh, like, a quarter of the time.

"The Office: Chair Model (#4.10)" (2008)

Andy Bernard: I left my cell phone in my car.
Phyllis Lapin: Call us when you get there, so we know you're okay.

Andy Bernard: Okay, so... Help us out.
Michael Scott: Wish I could, but I can't. Well, can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't.
Kevin Malone: Michael, please...
Michael Scott: What part of "shorn't" don't you understand, Kevin?

Andy Bernard: We won't let you down.
Michael Scott: You can't, because I don't care.

"The Office: Launch Party (#4.3)" (2007)

Andy Bernard: They say you should never mix buisness with pleasure. Really? Well, then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.

Andy Bernard: [about Angela] I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right?
Dwight Schrute: I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with.
Andy Bernard: Isn't that part of the fun?
Dwight Schrute: No. I think you should date Kelly.
Andy Bernard: She works here, too. How is that any different?
Dwight Schrute: She works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby.

Andy Bernard: And then I will say something positive like "Kudos," or "Job well done."
Jim Halpert: Or, "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!"
Andy Bernard: I can't tell if he's mocking me.
Dwight Schrute: Just ignore him.
Andy Bernard: I can't do that. It's really hard for me to let things go.
Jim Halpert: I was mocking.
Andy Bernard: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.
Andy Bernard: Yes! Like a chime or a bell.
Jim Halpert: Or a gong.

"The Office: Gossip (#6.1)" (2009)

Andy Bernard: Michael, am I gay?

Andy Bernard: For the record, I prefer women. But off the record, I'm kinda confused.

"The Office: Safety Training (#3.19)" (2007)

Dwight Schrute: Hey! Guys, listen up, Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.
Andy Bernard: Whoa! What's the situation?
Dwight Schrute: Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy Bernard: Okay, when's the shunning thing going to end?
Dwight Schrute: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him *die*.
Stanley Hudson: Is it nice outside?
Dwight Schrute: It's gorgeous. Let's go!
Stanley Hudson: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight Schrute: No, it really is. It's very nice. Come on!
Ryan Howard: Will I be too warm in a long-sleeve tee?
Dwight Schrute: Everyone's going to be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!

Dwight Schrute: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Jim Halpert: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and that he could use a hug.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Tell him that that's not true.
Jim Halpert: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, no, Jim.
Andy Bernard: [chuckles] You guys.
Dwight Schrute: Tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim, tell him!
[Andy walks away to his desk]
Jim Halpert: Andy... No, it's too far.
Dwight Schrute: [pause] Damn you.

"The Office: Sex Ed (#7.4)" (2010)

Andy Bernard: Okay, in that case, uh, I will now show you how to put this condom on using...
Stanley Hudson: [starts laughing]
Andy Bernard: ...this pencil.
Stanley Hudson: [laughs even harder] Oh, God.
Andy Bernard: What?
Oscar Martinez: Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?
Andy Bernard: Well, I'm not going to use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now, anyway.
Meredith Palmer: Come on. Give it a rest, pencil-
[bleep]
Meredith Palmer: .
Andy Bernard: I'm doing this for *you*, Meredith!
Meredith Palmer: I didn't want it!
Andy Bernard: Well-, then you-, why didn't-? Does nobody appreciate what I'm doing right now?
[throws pizza against the wall and storms out of the conference room]

Andy Bernard: Excuse me everyone, can I have your attention please?
Stanley Hudson: Not again...
Andy Bernard: What do you mean again?
Stanley Hudson: You're always asking for our attention.
Andy Bernard: Maybe like a year ago...
Stanley Hudson: Seems recent.
Andy Bernard: No, that's...
Oscar Martinez: Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.
Andy Bernard: Everyone, I've noticed that we have not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.
Phyllis Vance: Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention.
Stanley Hudson: That's what I was thinking, you kept announcing scores.
Andy Bernard: It's the world's only international sport!
[sits down]

"The Office: The Merger (#3.8)" (2006)

Andy: Saw your dork-mobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like, four miles to the gallon?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, try double that. Classic Trans Am, vintage American muscle. Please.
Andy: Yeah, my Xterra is pretty sweet. Luxurious yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.
Dwight Schrute: Xterra's not even a real word.
Andy: Actually, it is. It's Latin for "earth."
Dwight Schrute: Oh, so you drive an X-earth? Yeah, that makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic Trans Am than an X-earth.
Andy: Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back.
Dwight Schrute: Well, I hope 1985 has a time machine, 'cause I drive an '87.
Andy: Oh, speaking of time machines? I just got back from the future, and I went to your funeral, and guess what? Nobody came.
Dwight Schrute: Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die?
Andy: That was a really well-constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-Not University.
Dwight Schrute: Idiot!
Andy: If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a Trans Am.
Dwight Schrute: If you were driving a Trans Am, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world.
Andy: [coughing] Idiot!
Dwight Schrute: [coughing] You're the idiot.
Andy: [coughing] Nice comeback.
Dwight Schrute: [coughing] I was making fun of your comeback. That's why it worked.

Andy Bernard: I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.

"The Office: Moroccan Christmas (#5.10)" (2008)

Jim Halpert: You take requests?
Andy Bernard: Sure!
Jim Halpert: Please stop.

Andy Bernard: When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was puke. I would chug a fifth of socos, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, puke, rally, more soco, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I had let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B's. They called me Buzz.

"The Office: Golden Ticket (#5.17)" (2009)

Andy Bernard: Every compliment has to be back handed. Oh, I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair.
Pam Beesly: That's psychotic. Do guys actually do that?
Jim Halpert: Guys with girlfriends don't.

[arguing with Jim and Pam]
Andy Bernard: You put your heart out like that, it's liable to just turn into this blackened carbon brick. It has barbecue sauce of shame and rage, and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that!

"The Office: The Coup (#3.3)" (2006)

[the people at the Stamford branch are playing a computer game]
Josh Porter: This is not working, okay? We are getting slaughtered out there.
Andy: It's the new guy.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know what we're talking about.
Andy: See what I mean?
Josh Porter: We just need a strategy, okay? We're gonna set up a trap in the gunroom. All right? Jim, are you using the MP40 or .44?
Jim Halpert: Sniper rifle?
[Andy and Josh gets upset]
Josh Porter: [shouting] Snipe...
Andy: [shouting] What? Are you playing for the other team?
Josh Porter: [shouting] Jim! In Carentan? You don't snipe in Carentan, okay?
Andy: [shouting] It's saboteur! Saboteur!
Josh Porter: Andy, it's not...
Josh Porter: I'm gonna kill you for real. This game, the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you.

Andy Bernard: [after Jim had just killed him in "Call of Duty"] Why did you do that?
Jim Halpert: I'm just killing Germans any way I can.
Andy Bernard: We're on the German team. Shoot the British.
Jim Halpert: [to Karen] Wait, are we playing teams?

"The Office: Grief Counseling (#3.4)" (2006)

Andy Bernard: Hey, what are we doing; what's the game. I want in.
Jim Halpert: Oh there's no game; we're just trying to get these chips for Karen.
Andy Bernard: Did you check the vending machine?
Karen Filippelli: Oh! The vending machines! How did we miss that?
Jim Halpert: I have no idea; we went right for the copier and then we checked the fax machine.
Andy Bernard: Did you check your... butt?

"The Office: Business Ethics (#5.2)" (2008)

Jim Halpert: Hey, Andy.
Andy Bernard: Yo.
Jim Halpert: By any chance, did you see "Battlestar Galactica" last night?
Andy Bernard: No, I did not. Was that any good?
Jim Halpert: Actually not. It was really so-so.
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
[Jim threatens with the stopwatch]
Andy Bernard: I mean, I like all the crazy monsters and stuff, you know, like Klingons and Wookiees and all that, but...
[Dwight turns to respond, but Jim shows the stopwatch again]
Jim Halpert: Sorry, was there soemthing you wanted to add, Dwight?
Andy Bernard: Is that anything like the original "Battlestar Galactica"?
Jim Halpert: You know what's weird? It's practically a shot-for-shot remake.
Andy Bernard: Really? Huh. That's cool.
Jim Halpert: The story's kind of bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian...
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Jim Halpert: ...who needs to return the ring back to Mordor.
Andy Bernard: That doesn't sound right.

"The Office: Casual Friday (#5.24)" (2009)

Andy Bernard: Oh, it is on like a prawn who yawns at dawn.

"The Office: Stress Relief (#5.13)" (2009)

Andy Bernard: I'm not insightful enough to be a movie critic. I could be a food critic. "These muffins taste bad." Or an art critic. "This painting is bad."

"The Office: Diwali (#3.6)" (2006)

[Andy and Jim are very drunk, and Karen is not. Jim is slumped over at his desk and Andy is lying on the floor. He starts singing "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls]
Andy: I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains, I looked to the children...
Karen Filippelli: Andy, *no* a capella.
Andy: [pauses and then starts again] I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain...
[Jim joins in]
Jim Halpert, Andy: There's more than one answer to these questions / Pointing me in a crooked line
[Andy sits up and looks at Jim]
Jim Halpert, Andy: / Unless I seek my source / the closer I am to fine...
Karen Filippelli: Oh, come on, guys, please...
Jim Halpert, Andy: [singing] The closer I am to fi-iiiine!
Andy: [yells, delighted] TUNA! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

"The Office: Double Date (#6.8)" (2009)

Andy Bernard: You give me a gift? *BAM* Thank you note! You invite me somewhere? *POW* RSVP! You do me a favor? *WHAM* Favor returned! Do not test my politeness.

"The Office: The Convict (#3.9)" (2006)

Andy Bernard: I am so horny.
Jim Halpert: [pause] Okay, I can't help you with that.
Andy Bernard: Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty, good for a romp in the sack.
Jim Halpert: She is dating Ryan, I think.
Andy Bernard: Oh, and I care why?
Jim Halpert: She's high-maintenance.
Andy Bernard: Next. How about... Angela? Blondes have more fun. Come on, trust me on that.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, trust *me*. That would be fun for no one.
Andy Bernard: Okay, fine.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Andy Bernard: Pam, the receptionist. Pam... should I go for it?
Jim Halpert: [pause, looks back at Pam, then back to his own desk] Absolutely, you should.
Andy Bernard: Jackpot.

"The Office: Traveling Salesmen (#3.12)" (2007)

Andy: [singing] Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dawesome. Dwight is now gone, which is totally awesome. Why was he gone? He was such a nice guy. No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompa-dee-doom.

"The Office: Local Ad (#4.5)" (2007)

Andy Bernard: [singing] Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast.
[talking]
Andy Bernard: It's the cat food. Nailed it.

"The Office: Customer Survey (#5.6)" (2008)

Andy Bernard: Big idea, double wedding, me-Angela, you-Holly.
Michael Scott: No, we would never do that, if we did it would be with Jim and Pam.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, we'd never do that.
Michael Scott: Yeah, so there you go

"The Office: Heavy Competition (#5.22)" (2009)

Andy Bernard: [to Jim] I am your traveling pants.

"The Office: Murder (#6.9)" (2009)

Kevin Malone: [Andy is demonstrating his talent for Southern accents] Ooo! Now do the Swedish Chef!
Andy Bernard: I'm not familiar. Which providence is he from?
Kevin Malone: He's from Sesame Street, dumbass!

"The Office: New Boss (#5.18)" (2009)

Michael Scott: Alright, let me introduce you to some of the troops. Accounting front and center. Come on up here. I'd like you to meet somebody. This is the accounting dept.
Charles Miner: Hey. I come from accounting too.
Michael Scott: Oh... nerd alert. This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino. And he just got out of a long-term relationship, with a man Gil, who broke his heart. But he did not bring any of that into work and it didn't affect his job performance at all. And I'm very proud of him for that.
Charles Miner: [shaking hands with Oscar] Its good to meet you.
Michael Scott: This little hell raiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office.
[pointing to Andy]
Michael Scott: That one right over there in the orange.
Andy Bernard: Heyo!
Michael Scott: [looking around] Where's the other...
Charles Miner: Hey Michael, I don't need to know everyone's sexual history.
Michael Scott: Perfect! Because we have now arrived at Kevin and he has no sexual history.

"The Office: Nepotism (#7.1)" (2010)

Andy Bernard: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.
Michael Scott: He's not the worst, okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy-remember? Eeeh! That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though.
[starts drinking coffee]
Michael Scott: Ah! It's not cappuccino.
Oscar Martinez: He messed yours up too.
Darryl Philbin: He's got to go, Mike.
Michael Scott: It's just coffee, guys! But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?

"The Office: Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager (#7.23)" (2011)

[Gabe pulls Andy into the conference room with the blinds shut to confront him about Erin]
Gabe Lewis: Are you still in love with Erin?
Andy Bernard: What?
Gabe Lewis: Because I am. I need to get her back. I can't be alone anymore.
[Gabe starts sobbing]
Gabe Lewis: Andy, do you like being alone with me right now?
Andy Bernard: No, this is horrifying.

"The Office: Beach Games (#3.22)" (2007)

Andy Bernard: I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard.
[throws a stone]

"The Office: Branch Wars (#4.6)" (2007)

Andy Bernard: The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The Party Planning Committee is my backup and Kevin's band is my safety.

"The Office: St. Patrick's Day (#6.18)" (2010)

Kelly Erin Hannon: Andy! I'm in my jammy-jams.
Andy Bernard: That's okay. I'm in my worky-works.

"The Office: Fun Run (#4.1)" (2007)

Andy Bernard: I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts, it's a vicious circle. You have sensitive nipples, they chafe. So they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So I take precautions.

"The Office: A Benihana Christmas (#3.10)" (2006)

Dwight Schrute: Pam and Karen, I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning immediately.
Pam Beesley: You can't do that.
Dwight Schrute: As ranking number three in this office, I am order...
Andy: [grunts] I'm number three.
Dwight Schrute: You're number four.
Andy: Yeah, but I'm number three.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, no.
[to Pam]
Dwight Schrute: You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately. They will be returned to you on January 4th.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I think I can help here.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, good. They...
Jim Halpert: As ranking number two, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees, and I am the sole member of the committee. The committee act on this now.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, this is stupid.
Jim Halpert: Could you please keep it down? I'm in session.
[long pause]
Jim Halpert: I have determined that this committee is valid.
Dwight Schrute: What? No! No! Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
[thinks about it]
Dwight Schrute: Permission to join the Validity Committee.
Jim Halpert: Permission denied.
Dwight Schrute: Damn it.