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: Hi. I'm Meredith, and I'm an alch... Good at supplier relations.
: In five years, I'd like to be five years sober. Jan Levinson-Gould
: That is an excellent goal. Meredith
: Four and a half.
: Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly, but many women ask to go over it, so, "fumble" means... Phyllis
: Mistake. Meredith
: Slip. Jan Levinson-Gould
: Right. "Par for the course" is a golf term. It means "right on track." "Below par" means "worse." Wait. That should mean better. That doesn't make sense. Kelly Kapoor
: What about "second base"? Like, if Michael said he got to second base with you, does that mean you, like, closed a deal? Jan Levinson-Gould
: Excuse me? Kelly Kapoor
: I mean, that's a baseball term, right? Jan Levinson-Gould
: I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know.
[Kelly turns to the camera and winks
: Damn it, Meredith, where are your panties? Meredith
: It's casual day.
: What are you doing here? Meredith
: I saw a crowd, and thought there might be a dog fight or something.
: Well we should head out. Meredith Palmer
: No, no, no, you gotta stay. I have Vienna Sausages, and I have napkins. Let me fix you breakfast.
: I hope nobody takes this baby, 'cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful. Meredith
: I'll take the oven mitt. Michael Scott
: Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology. Michael Scott
: Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.
: Hey, why haven't we ever...? Meredith Palmer
: We have.
: I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.
: Who's Pastor Davis?
: Number one: Inverted penis. Meredith
: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered. Dwight Schrute
: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy. Meredith
: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
[during a talking heads segment about Jan's boob job
] Meredith Palmer
: I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than to the front. Kevin Malone
: I love fake boobs. Oftentimes, you find them on strippers. Creed Bratton
: I find it offensive. Au naturel, baby. That's how I like them. Swing low, sweet chariots.
: Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on using...
] Andy Bernard
: ...this pencil. Stanley Hudson
: [laughs even harder
] Oh, God! Andy Bernard
: What? Oscar Martinez
: Why would you choose a pencil, Andy? Andy Bernard
: Well, I'm not going to use my penis, Oscar. It's not exactly hard right now, anyway. Meredith Palmer
: Come on. Give it a rest, pencil
] Andy Bernard
: I'm doing this for *you*, Meredith! Meredith Palmer
: I didn't want it! Andy Bernard
: Well, didn't you? Why didn't... Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?
[throws pizza against the wall and storms out of the conference room
: I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To porn. Michael Scott
: All right, no, no, no, no. That is... The image, I think we all can agree, is very disgusting...
: She could be your soul mate. Dwight Schrute
: Not likely. With three billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.
: Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited. Meredith Palmer
: I don't remember doing that! Angela
: What a surprise.
[as the office visits Meredith in the hospital
] Meredith Palmer
: They have me on a lot of painkillers. Creed Bratton
: Oh, really? What kind? Codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? Oxycontin? Palladone? What? Meredith Palmer
: I have no idea.
[Creed scoffs; the rest of the office looks shocked
: I once dated a couple of guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home.
: [Dunder Mifflin party planning committee meets in conference room to discuss holiday party festivities for the office
] Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch. Phyllis Lapin
: I thought you said green was whorish. Angela
: No. Orange is whorish.
[Camera pulls back to show Phyllis wearing an orange blouse
] Karen Filippelli
: So, I had a couple ideas to make the Stamford branch feel more at home. Each year, we have a Christmas raffle... Angela
: It would never work here. Karen Filippelli
: Okay. Um, another idea was karaoke. Angela
: No. Karen Filippelli
: A Christmas drinking game? Meredith
: Yes! Angela
: God help you. Karen Filippelli
: What? Angela
: These are all terrible ideas. And none of them are on the theme of a Nutcracker Christmas. I think you should leave. Karen Filippelli
: [laughs nervously, unsure what to do
] You're kidding. Angela
: You tried this out, and it's clearly not for you. It's time to go. Come on. Please? Thank you.
[Karen looks to Pam for help, but Pam awkardly looks down at some papers leaving Karen to fend for herself. Angela rises and shows Karen to the door. Karen leaves the meeting
: [talking about Michael
] I can't believe he has a second job. Oscar
: He's not even good at his first one.
] Under no circumstances should a man strip off his clothes in this office. Meredith Palmer
: [shouts angrily
] Shut up, Angela!
: Meredith, I would like you to pretend you're from Abu Dhabi. Meredith Palmer
: Hello. Michael Scott
: I am ashamed at your naked face. I must cover it with my jacket. You are now sexy in your culture.