Gareth Keenan
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Quotes for
Gareth Keenan (Character)
from "The Office" (2001)

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"The Office: Work Experience (#1.2)" (2001)
David Brent: We have access to the internet. But it isn't censored, is that a good or a bad thing?
Gareth: Bad.
David Brent: Well, that's not for us to say. But I can type in, say, 'sex... fetish'. It takes a little while. There. two thousand, two hundred and thirty matches. Just click on one, at random. Aaaagh, there. 'Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs'. Now, you don't punish anyone, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs.
Gareth: If anything, they should be rewarded.
David Brent: They should be *equal*.
Gareth: Women are equal.
David Brent: I've always said that, so...

[trying to find out who did a dirty picture of David Brent]
Gareth: Do you know who done the picture?
Keith: Yeah... no, I mean no.
Gareth: Right. Your first answer was 'yeah', wasn't it?
Keith: I meant no.
Gareth: Well, why did you get...?
Keith: Uhh... I don't know.
Gareth: Am I making you nervous?
Keith: No. I mean, yeah.
Gareth: Hmmm. That's interesting.

David Brent: [to Donna and Dawn] If you do have any trouble from the men, what does she do, Dawn?
Dawn: Kick them in the balls.
David Brent: Oh! Feminist.
Gareth: [jokingly] Get your bra off.
David Brent: [to Gareth, defensively] Do you want to go out, as well?
Gareth: Sorry, burn your bra. Feminists.

Gareth: Do you know te phrase 'softly, softly, catchie monkey'? I could catch a monkey. If I was starving, I could. I'd make poisoned darts out of the poison of frogs 'o deadly frogs.

Gareth: In this room I have special...
Tim: ...needs?
Gareth: No, in this room I am a special...
Tim: ...needs child?
Gareth: No, and that's not even funny.

David Brent: Look at this - "Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs". Now you do not punish a girl, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs.
Gareth: If anything they should be rewarded.
David Brent: No, they should be equal.

Gareth: I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I'd make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you'd be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times.

Gareth: People look at me, they say he's tough, he was in the army he's gonna be hard, by the book. But I am caring, and sensitive. Isn't Schindler's List a brilliant film?

David Brent: Donna, yeah? My responsibility. Away from home. I know boys will be boys...
Gareth: Hands off.
David Brent: Yeah.
Gareth: Out of bounds.
David Brent: Yeah.
Gareth: Look but don't touch.
David Brent: [annoyed] What d'you mean by 'look'.
Gareth: Talk to her, be friendly, don't get any ideas.
David Brent: Yeah. Good.
Gareth: Yeah.
Gareth: What if she's up for it?

"The Office: Downsize (#1.1)" (2001)
[Tim builds a wall of boxes between his and Gareth's desk]
Tim: I don't like acting like a kid, do you know what I mean? But he's a bit...
Gareth: What are you doing?
Tim: I don't actually want to have to look at you, Gareth.
Gareth: You can't do that.
Tim: Why not?
Gareth: Health and Safety.
Tim: Health and Safety. Erm, why? Crushed by Cardboard, or what?
Gareth: No, number one: blocking out light. Number two: misuse of company files.
Tim: Misuse of files? Yeah, see this is why the whole redundancy thing doesn't bother me. If I have to work with him another day, right, I'm just going to, I will... I will slit my throat.
[Mimes a throat slitting action]
Gareth: Yeah, you won't do it like that, though. You'd get the knife in behind the windpipe, then pull it down like that.

[Tim as a joke has put Gareth's stapler in a jelly]
Gareth: Tim's put my stapler inside a jelly again. That's the third time he's done it. It wasn't even funny the first time.
David Brent: Why has he done that?
Gareth: I told him once that I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves.
David Brent: Yeah. You showed him a weakness - he pounced. You should know about that... What is in there?
Gareth: It's my stapler.
[Gareth plunges his hand in to fish out the stapler]
David Brent: Well, don't do that... eat it out. There's people starving in the world, which I hate... and it's a waste so... How do you know it's yours?
Gareth: It's got my name on it in Tipp-Ex.
David Brent: Okay, don't eat it now then... chemicals.

Gareth: Just the eight pints for me last night, then. Oh, no! "Team leader and boss in drunken night out." Shock! horror! Going out with Oggy tomorrow night, then. That'll be be a quiet night in at the library... not!

Gareth: I'm assistant regional manager.
David Brent: Assistant to the regional manager.

[Tim snatches Gareth's stapler and holds it out the window]
Tim: You stay where you are okay? I'm gonna let go, right, unless you stop acting like a fool.
Gareth: Well, you won't, so...
Tim: Well, I have, so...
[Time drops the Stapler out the window]
Gareth: What if that kills someone?
Tim: Kills somebody? Umm, well, they'll think you're the murderer. It's got your name on it.
Gareth: Why would a murderer put his name on the murder weapon?
Tim: To stop people borrowing it?
Gareth: David.
Tim: I hate the fact that you bring me down to this; really I do, I resent it.

Gareth: I'm not worried for me, I'll be all right, but if there does have to be a cull, then so be it. I mean, that's just natural selection, in the wild some people wouldn't survive. Imagine a warehouse, where a little midget fellow is driving a forklift. He can't see over the top, he's got great big platform shoes on so he can reach the pedals, cos of his little legs. I mean, don't get me wrong, Anton's a lovely bloke, but should he be working here?

"The Office: Charity (#2.5)" (2002)
[after David Brent's horrifying Comic Relief dance]
Gareth: We don't have to give a donation for that, do we?

[on Comic Relief Day]
David Brent: I've got the Slough Gazette coming to take a photo.
Gareth: What time are they coming down?
David Brent: About five-ish, so...
Gareth: They'll love us, won't they?
David Brent: No, I think it's just me, I've got something planned.
Gareth: But we can all be in it, though?
David Brent: No, not really, I called them, so...
Gareth: But they'll love us, all being stupid.
David Brent: Stop trying to worm your way into someone else's photo!

Gareth: I'm just saying there should be tests
Tim: We're all ears Gareth
Gareth: Well I don't know, when they go down the DSS to make a claim then they should set off a fire alarm fake fire alarm, everybody legs it out the office leaving them there. If they're fake they'll be up and running with them, if they're real they'll be left there screaming for help.

[Rachel sits on Tim's desk]
Gareth: Excuse me. Desk procedures. Chairs are for sitting on.
Rachel: I think he's a bit jealous he's not getting the view you're getting.
Gareth: Wrong: I've got the arse this side so I'd only wanna be sitting where he's sitting if you were wearing a skirt so I could look up... at it.

"The Office: The Quiz (#1.3)" (2001)
[David, Gareth and Tim are discussing catchphrases]
Gareth: What ones are yours that I use?
David Brent: Same shit, different day, that's mine. Exsqueeze me, instead of excuse me.
Tim: Wank you very much.
David Brent: Yeah, I invented that.

[Arguing over the quiz result and request for a rematch]
Chris Finch: Right, I will throw anything you choose over this building. If I do it, we win the quiz. Right?
David Brent: Yeah, so you choose anything. If he can throw it over, we've won the champagne. And that's it. And that's the real quiz. Choose one thing.
Ricky: You really are a couple of sad little men, aren't you?
Gareth: Oh yeah, they're sad little men. He's thrown a kettle over a pub. What have you ever done?

David Brent: If someone's, ehm, unlucky you go: I'm not saying he's unlucky, but if he fell into a barrel of tits, he'd come up sucking his own thumb.
David Brent: Bit naughty, huh?
Gareth: Suck tits? I thought you sucked knobbs.
David Brent: Do ya?
[more high-pitched giggles]

[Dawn and Tim are getting a laugh out of pretending Gareth is gay]
Tim: We were wondering if a military man like you, a soldier, er, could you give a man a lethal blow?
Gareth: If I was forced to, I could. If it was absolutely necessary, if he was attacking me.
Tim: What if he was coming, really hard?
Gareth: Yeah, if my life was in danger, yeah.
Dawn: And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke, or could you take a man from behind?
Gareth: Either ways easy.
Dawn: So you could take a man from behind?
Gareth: Yeah.
Dawn: Lovely.

"The Office: New Girl (#1.5)" (2001)
David Brent: And don't call my second in command an ass-faced-weasel.
Donna: A weasel faced ass.
David Brent: Same thing.
Donna: Well know it's not, would you rather have a face like an ass or a face like a weasel?
Gareth Keenan: [thinks about it] A weasel probably.

[Discussing Donna's relationship with Ricky]
Gareth: It's not as if she's your daughter or anything though...
David Brent: No but that's not the point. It's the principle, it was about respect.
Gareth: Showing a bit of respect...
David Brent: And while she's under my roof, she will obey my laws, so...
Gareth: Showing respect by obeying the law. She's legal, though.
David Brent: What?
Gareth: When cherries are red, they're ready for plucking. When girls are sixteen they're ready for...
David Brent: "Gareth."

[Donna & Ricky's relationship has been exposed]
Donna: So now you know.
David Brent: Yep. Brilliant.
Donna: What? You got a problem with Ricky?
David Brent: No, no, sleep with everyone in the office. He's not even a permanent member of staff. I'd have preferred it if you'd slept with Gareth.
Donna: It wouldn't happen.
David Brent: Oh Why? 'Cos he didn't go to university?
Donna: No, 'Cos he's a little weasel-faced arse.
David Brent: Yeah, you could do worse then Gareth. He hasn't missed one day in this office due to ill health. And don't call my second-in-command an arse-faced weasel, please?
Donna: A weasel-faced arse.
David Brent: Same thing.
Donna: Well no it's not. Gareth would you rather have a face like an arse or a face like a weasel?
Gareth: A weasel probably.

"The Office: Motivation (#2.4)" (2002)
Simon: You know Bruce Lee's not really dead, don't you? Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police, infiltrating drugs gangs and the Triads.
Gareth: Yeah, I reckon that's true.
Tim: Yeah, I reckon that's true. Because if you were gonna send someone undercover to investigate the Triads, you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star.
[Tim and Rachel snicker]
Simon: Oh, gone off Dawn now, have you?

Gareth: He's a weird little bloke! Look at his cartoon face and his hair, he looks like a Fisher Price man, and his rubbish clothes... it makes me think there's something wrong with you for a start but yet in my head I'd still do you so I'm confused.

[Gareth has just caught Tim and Rachel kissing]
Gareth: How long has this been going on? When were you going to tell me? I can't believe you'd get off with a girl that I fancy.
Tim: Why can't you believe that, Gareth?
Gareth: Well, I can't believe there's a bird that fancies you over me for a start. What are you... he's a weird little bloke. Look at his cartoon face and his hair. He looks like a Fisher Price man. And his rubbish clothes... it makes me think there's something wrong with you, and yet in my head I'd still do you, so I'm confused... all right, I'll ask you straight: is there anything that could happen between us while this is going on?
Rachel: Like what?
Gareth: What, specifically? Hand job? Look, don't answer now. Think about it.

"The Office: Training (#1.4)" (2001)
Rowan: Gareth, quick trust exercise, ultimate fantasy?
Gareth: Hmm?
David Brent: We're just doing the ultimate fantasy, we're all doing it.
Gareth: Two lesbians probably, sisters. I'm just watching.
Rowan: OK. Erm. Tim? Do you have one?
Tim: I'd never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?

Gareth: So, can you set fire to a postage stamp?
David Brent: No. In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender. A busdriver would have to accept that as currency.
Gareth: Yeah, that would happen.
David Brent: Well if he doesn't, report him.
Gareth: Yeah, I'll report him when I'm walking home.
Gareth: You can taxi, if you've got enough stamps.

[Brent believes anything with the Queen's image should be currency]
David Brent: In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender. A bus driver would have to accept that as currency.
Tim: Yeah, that'd happen.
Gareth: Well, if he doesn't, report him.
Tim: Yeah, I'll report him while I'm walking home.
Gareth: Get a taxi, if you've got enough stamps.
Dawn: Or cash 'em in at the Post Office.
David Brent: Shouldn't have to. Shouldn't have to.

"The Office: Party (#2.3)" (2002)
Gareth: In my experience, women who work in factories are slappers.

Rachel: You like that, don't you?
Tim: What?
Rachel: [picks up Trudy's brand new pink dildo] Is that because it looks like yours?
Tim: Yeah, it's identical, as well. Well, mine's not that size, it's very, very tiny. But it is made of plastic.
Gareth: Mine's massive and it ain't made of plastic!

"The Office: Appraisals (#2.2)" (2002)
David Brent: Today I'm doing the staff appraisals, and some people get a little bit nervous about that 'cos they think they're walking the long mile to put their head on the block. But they're wrong, it's a chance for them to tell me where we're going wrong. It's very much an opportunity...
Gareth: separate the wheat from the chaff.
David Brent: Well, no, that sounds bad. It's not a witch-hunt, we're not trying to find out who the worst people are.
Gareth: Well, we know who they are already.
David Brent: Well, no.
Gareth: I've written them down on my form.
David Brent: You shouldn't have written them on your form.
Gareth: I've underlined the worst ones.
David Brent: You're missing the point.
[looks at Gareth's form]
David Brent: Yep.

Gareth: [to Rachel] One more moment. If you do go all the way with Tim, and you expect me to go in there afterwards, make sure he wears a condom. Alright, sort of a rule.

"The Office: Merger (#2.1)" (2002)
Tim: Team Leader don't mean anything mate.
Gareth: Excuse me, it means I'm leader of a team.
Tim: No it doesn't. It's a title someone's given you to get you to do something they don't want to do for free - it's like making the div kid at school milk monitor. No one respects it.
Gareth: I think they do.
Tim: No they don't Gareth.
Gareth: Erm yes they do, cos if people were rude to me then I used to give them their milk last... so it was warm.

Jennifer Taylor-Clark: So you're saying is that black people ought to be flattered that their only achievement in this world is having oversized genitalia?
David Brent: I'm saying they shouldn't be a ashamed of them.
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: It's a myth.
Gareth: I don't know, Jennifer I could show you a magazine where... literally...
[holds up his hand indicating large size]
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: Could you?
Gareth: Well, I haven't got it with me, but next time you're in...

"The Office: Christmas Special: Part 2 (#3.2)" (2003)
Gareth Keenan: [Dawn has just returned to the party after opening her gift from Tim, a set of oil paints. She realizes that she and Tim belong together, walks up to him, and kisses him] Careful, she's got a fiancé.
Dawn Tinsley: [turns to Gareth] I haven't. Not anymore.
[Tim and Dawn kiss again]

"The Office: Judgement (#1.6)" (2001)
[there is a possibility that the Slough offices will be downsized with redundancies]
Gareth: You're all smug now. You're moving away. But think of me, the shoe could be on the other foot.
Tim: You're going to be all right, aren't you?
Gareth: Yeah, I work hard, I earn my keep. But unfortunately, the history books are full of just people who toil and fight for worthy causes and the freedom of others.
Tim: That's the most profound thing you've ever said, mate.
Gareth: And you do all that, only for foreigners of women or the disableds to take advantage of it.
Tim: Yeah. Could I withdraw my last comment?

"The Office: Christmas Special: Part 1 (#3.1)" (2003)
Gareth: I did learn a lot from David. I learnt from his mistakes. We're very different people; he used humour where I use discipline. And I learnt that nobody respects him. And in a war situation, if you want your platoon to go over the top with you to certain death, it's no good saying to them 'Please come with me lads, I'll tell you a joke.' It's a direct order 'Come with me.' And they'll go 'Yes, he's got good leadership skills, let's all go with him to our certain death'. Also, if you're laughing in the jungle, you can give away your position to the enemy.

"The Office: Interview (#2.6)" (2002)
Gareth Keenan: [Rachel has just told him to fuck off] Potty mouth.