Creed Bratton
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Quotes for
Creed Bratton (Character)
from "The Office" (2005)

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"The Office: Dunder Mifflin Infinity (#4.2)" (2007)
Creed Bratton: Hey, bro, I've been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's got to ride the bull. Am I right? Later, skater.

Michael Scott: Look, why do we, as a society, hate old people so much?
Creed Bratton: Because they're lame.

"The Office: Nepotism (#7.1)" (2010)
Michael Scott: [about Luke's laser] Okay, can I have that?
Luke Cooper: No.
Michael Scott: Ok, I am going to count down from five.
Michael Scott: Five, four.
[Luke counts with him]
Michael Scott: I'm not kidding.
Luke Cooper: Three, two, one.
[Luke still mocking Michael with the counting]
Michael Scott: Give-okay. Alright, give it up.
Luke Cooper: No!
Michael Scott: [bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
Luke Cooper: What the...
Michael Scott: That's what you're going to do, Luke!
Luke Cooper: What the hell was that?
Michael Scott: I had to do that.
Luke Cooper: Hey,
Luke Cooper: this! Screw it!
Michael Scott: All right. Are we good?
[Luke runs out crying]
Michael Scott: You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.
Kevin Malone: That was awesome!
Stanley Hudson: Texas justice.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, your nephew is so lame.
Creed Bratton: He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean.
Jim Halpert: You follow him on Twitter?

Creed Bratton: [explaining why he's following Luke on Twitter] Everywhere I look is Betty White this, Betty White that. Finally a kid who's not talking about Betty White. Of course I've followed him.

"The Office: Blackmail: Oscar (#1.1)" (2009)
Creed Bratton: We're just two amigos having a little conversation. Comprende?
Oscar Martinez: Si lo comprendo.
Creed Bratton: What? Let's switch back to English.

Oscar Martinez: This is pathetic. You're pathetic.
Creed Bratton: Well, that's just plain mean, man.

"The Office: Golden Ticket (#5.17)" (2009)
Michael Scott: I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so...
Jim Halpert: [interrupting] Okay, well, I lost a ton of money today. And I have a mortgage, so I'm a little pissed, too.
Michael Scott: Thank you. Jim is with me.
Jim Halpert: Absolutely not. I'm mad at you.
Michael Scott: Well, you know what, Jim, it is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.
Creed Bratton: That's not why.

Creed Bratton: Good work, kid.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks old man.

"The Office: The Merger (#3.8)" (2006)
Hannah Smotrich-Barr: [breastfeeding] Take a picture; it'll last longer.
Ryan Howard: I'm sorry, it's just... It's a little distracting.
Creed: [staring] Ditto that, my brother.

Hannah: Look what's on his computer!
Michael Scott: What is that, a squid's eye, or...
Hannah: It's my left breast.
Michael Scott: How did you...
Creed: Right place at the right time.

"The Office: The Carpet (#2.14)" (2006)
Creed: [walks into the office as everyone stares at Michael's awful smelling carpet] Hey, guys. Somebody making soup?

Michael Scott: Do you remember Ed Truck?
Creed: Sure. He hired me. How's he doing?
Michael Scott: How would I know?
Creed: I thought you might.
Michael Scott: My biggest fear is turning into him.
Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.
Michael Scott: I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you?

"The Office: Money (#4.4)" (2007)
Creed Bratton: Hey, coz. Heard you're having money problems.
Michael Scott: No, you didn't.
Creed Bratton: Listen, I got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.
Creed Bratton: [in confessional] Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to
[holds up a fake passport]
Creed Bratton: William Charles Schneider.
Michael Scott: How would that help, Creed? In Monopoly, you go bankrupt, you lose.
Creed Bratton: You don't go by Monopoly, man. That game is *nuts*. Nobody just pick up Get Out of Jail Free cards. Those things cost thousands.
Michael Scott: That is a good point.
Creed Bratton: Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start. It's a clean slate.
Michael Scott: Like the Witness Protection Program.
Creed Bratton: [simultaneously] Exactly.
Oscar Martinez: [simultaneously] Not at all.

Ryan Howard: What I really want, honestly Michael, is for you to know it so that you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael Scott: [chuckles] Okay.
Ryan Howard: What?
Michael Scott: It's 'whoever', not 'whomever'.
Ryan Howard: No, it's 'whomever'.
Michael Scott: No, 'whomever' is never actually right.
Jim Halpert: Well, sometimes it's right.
Creed Bratton: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy Bernard: No. Actually, 'whomever' is the formal version of the word.
Oscar Martinez: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael Scott: [to camera] Not a native speaker.
Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

"The Office: Casino Night (#2.22)" (2006)
Creed: Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago.

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently, it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim Halpert: Nope. I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: That's a dog.
Pam Beesley: No, that's Afghan.
Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael Scott: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

"The Office: The Promotion (#6.3)" (2009)
Creed Bratton: Hey, why haven't we ever...?
Meredith Palmer: We have.

"The Office: Blackmail: Kelly (#1.3)" (2009)
Creed Bratton: I want a helicopter!

"The Office: Crime Aid (#5.4)" (2008)
Creed Bratton: No one steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name, Creed Bratton.

"The Office: The Job (#3.23)" (2007)
[during a talking heads segment about Jan's boob job]
Meredith Palmer: I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than to the front.
Kevin Malone: I love fake boobs. Oftentimes, you find them on strippers.
Creed Bratton: I find it offensive. Au naturel, baby. That's how I like them. Swing low, sweet chariots.

"The Office: Casual Friday (#5.24)" (2009)
Creed Bratton: So, hey, I want to set you up with my daughter.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed Bratton: I thought you were gay.
Jim Halpert: [clicks tongue] Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed Bratton: I don't know.

"The Office: Conflict Resolution (#2.21)" (2006)
Michael Scott: Okay. Ryan, you told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?
Creed: [to film crew] I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

"The Office: Goodbye, Toby (#4.14)" (2008)
[as Toby introduces Holly to Creed]
Creed Bratton: The pleasure's all mine.
Holly Flax: Thanks. I'm really looking forward to sitting down with you and finding out more about what you do here.
Creed Bratton: Any time.
Holly Flax: Yeah. What do you do here?
Creed Bratton: [long pause] Excuse me.
Creed Bratton: [to camera crew in the kitchen] What is wrong with this woman? She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business. What do I do? Really, what do I do here? I should have written it down. Qua-something. Qua... Quar... Qua... Qual... Quar... Quabity. Quabity assuance. No, no, no, no, but I'm getting close.

"The Office: Gay Witch Hunt (#3.1)" (2006)
Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s, I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain, and it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.

"The Office: Product Recall (#3.20)" (2007)
Creed Bratton: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did when I was a homeless man.

"The Office: Fun Run (#4.1)" (2007)
[as the office visits Meredith in the hospital]
Meredith Palmer: They have me on a lot of painkillers.
Creed Bratton: Oh, really? What kind? Codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? Oxycontin? Palladone? What?
Meredith Palmer: I have no idea.
[Creed scoffs; the rest of the office looks shocked]

"The Office: Blackmail: Pay Day (#1.4)" (2009)
Creed Bratton: Confucius is a fool! We grow fat on greed.

"The Office: Baby Shower (#5.3)" (2008)
Andy Bernard: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
[Angela rolls her eyes]
Jan Levinson: Well actually, I uh, I had a tub birth. That was really, really quite amazing.
Angela Martin: You gave birth in a *tub*?
Jan Levinson: Yeah, it's... it's a really nice transition from womb to, to world, you know? Kinda like a big womb...
Kelly Kapoor: Umm, so you're in the tub with... everything?
Jan Levinson: Oh yeah, the afterbirth floats. Yeah.
Creed Bratton: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Jan Levinson: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
Creed Bratton: [shakes his head] Ugh...
Stanley Hudson: I'm done.
[walks out]
Oscar Martinez: Me too.
[follows Stanley]

"The Office: The Seminar (#7.13)" (2011)
[speaking at the seminar]
Creed Bratton: Two eyes. Two ears. A chin. A mouth. Ten fingers. Two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I've just described to you the Loch Ness monster. And the reward for his capture? All the riches in Scotland.

"The Office: Survivor Man (#4.7)" (2007)
Creed Bratton: Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.
Jim Halpert: What do you want?
Creed Bratton: I want pie. I want peach pie.
Jim Halpert: You want birthday pie?
Creed Bratton: I want a nice cobbler.
Jim Halpert: I'll talk to Angela and we're going to see what we can do about a pie.
Creed Bratton: I don't care who you talk to you. Just make it happen.
Jim Halpert: It'll be Angela.
Creed Bratton: You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.

"The Office: Roy's Wedding (#9.2)" (2012)
Creed Bratton: The Taliban is the worst. Great heroin though.

"The Office: Performance Review (#2.8)" (2005)
Michael Scott: [reading from the suggestion box] "You need to do something about your B.O."
Dwight Schrute: [repeating to staff] "You need to do something about your B.O."
Michael Scott: Okay. Now, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion. And not an office suggestion. Far be it from me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody.
Toby: Aren't the suggestions meant for you?
Michael Scott: Well, Toby, if by me, you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that that is a very poor choice of words.
Creed: Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.
Michael Scott: Was I, Creed? Okay, well, you know what I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs. Beause talk about stank. Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will. I just think it's something that we should be aware of, okay? Now that we've learned this, let's continue. See, this is good. We're learning and we're figuring some stuff out.

"The Office: Weight Loss (#5.1)" (2008)
Kelly Kapoor: [to the camera] I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months, I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
Creed Bratton: [seperately to the camera] That wasn't a tapeworm.

"The Office: Drug Testing (#2.20)" (2006)
[showing Creed the picture of a pile of marijuana]
Creed: That is Northern Lights, Cannabis indica.
Dwight Schrute: [disappointed] No. It's marijuana.

"The Office: The Negotiation (#3.18)" (2007)
Creed: [talking about Dwight pepper spraying Roy] I remember it was very late at night, like 11:00, 11:30. Big fella comes in screaming about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car, something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter...
Angela: [cuts him off] You're useless.

"The Office: Double Date (#6.9)" (2009)
Creed Bratton: Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive.