Quotes for
Kevin Malone (Character)
from "The Office" (2005)

"The Office: Christmas Party (#2.10)" (2005)

Phyllis: Does everyone know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: What line of work are you in, Bob?

Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't.
[smiles]

Kevin: I want the footbath.
Kevin: That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it. Maybe I should've taken the iPod. Oh, shoot.

Phyllis: [at the Christmas party] Hi, guys. Does everyone know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin: [introducing himself to Bob] Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: [Kevin, Stanley, and Ryan all smile to themselves] What line of work you in, Bob?

---

"The Office: Diversity Day (#1.2)" (2005)

Michael Scott: [during Diversity Day] God, I don't know... Maybe I should have gotten some food or something.
Kevin: [wearing Italian on his head] Maybe some spaghetti.
Michael Scott: No, Kevin, stop with Diversity Day for a second!

Michael Scott: [during Diversity Day] God, I don't know... Maybe I should have gotten some food or something.
Kevin: [Wearing the Italian sign on his head] Maybe some spaghetti.
Michael Scott: No Kevin, stop with Diversity Day for a second!

Kevin: [during Diversity Day] God, I don't know... Maybe I should have gotten some food or something.
Kevin: [wearing Italian on his head] Maybe some spaghetti.
Michael Scott: No, Kevin, stop with Diversity Day for a second!

[during a "Diversity Day" exercise; Angela is wearing a sign on her forehead that says "Jamaican."]
Kevin: Hey.
Angela: Hey.
Kevin: You wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin: You wanna get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin: I think you do, mon.

---

"The Office: Blood Drive (#5.16)" (2009)

Kevin Malone: My worst break-up was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper. And I said, 'Oh my god, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East.' And she said that we're done.

Kevin Malone: I think I blew it. It all happened so fast.
[slowly]
Kevin Malone: So... fast.

Kevin Malone: I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is.

---

"The Office: Money (#4.4)" (2007)

Kevin Malone: Women be shopping.

Ryan Howard: What I really want, honestly, Michael, is for you to know it so that you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael Scott: [chuckles] Okay.
Ryan Howard: What?
Michael Scott: It's "whoever," not "whomever."
Ryan Howard: No, it's "whomever."
Michael Scott: No. "Whomever" is never actually right.
Jim Halpert: Well, sometimes it's right.
Creed Bratton: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy Bernard: No. Actually, "whomever" is the formal version of the word.
Oscar Martinez: Obviously, it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael Scott: [to camera] Not a native speaker.
Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

[in the conference room, the office workers are discussing the correct use of 'whoever' vs. 'whomever']
Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
Ryan Howard: Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin Malone: I don't know.
Pam Beesly: It's "whom" when it's the object of the sentence and "who" when it's the subject.
Phyllis Lapin: That sounds right.
Michael Scott: Well, it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley: How did Ryan use it? As an object.
Ryan Howard: As an object.
Kelly Kapoor: Ryan used me as an object.
Stanley: Is he right about that?
Pam Beesly: How did he use it again?
Toby Flenderson: It was Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object...
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Toby Flenderson: ...to whomever, meaning us, the indirect object, which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael Scott: No one asked you anything, ever. So whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull?

---

"The Office: Golden Ticket (#5.17)" (2009)

Kevin Malone: I don't like getting advice from more than 1 person at a time. I'm a textbook overthinker.

Kevin Malone: Boobs.

Jim Halpert: All I'm saying is, it's a first date, so just keep a respectful distance.
Kevin Malone: Right.
Pam Beesly: I don't think Jim means to say that you shouldn't touch her.
Jim Halpert: No, that is what I mean.
Pam Beesly: Shush.

---

"The Office: Stress Relief (#5.13)" (2009)

Kevin Malone: Call it.

Rose: So assessing the situation, are they breathing?
Michael Scott: No Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
Rose: No, that's not part of it
Michael Scott: Where are they? You know what, if we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there.
Kevin Malone: I would want to live with no legs.
Michael Scott: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now Kevin, you don't do anything.

---

"The Office: The Convict (#3.9)" (2006)

Kevin: [trying to figure out who in the office was a convict] Martin?
Michael Scott: [shocked] Oh, you are such a racist.
Kevin: Wait, why am I a racist?
Michael Scott: Because you think he's black.
Kevin: He is black... right?

[in regards to insider trading]
Kevin: I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for because it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day.

---

"The Office: Safety Training (#3.19)" (2007)

Kevin: If anyone gives you 10,000 to one on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

[Ryan is watching his watch while Kelly is seated on the desk in front of him talking. The rest of the office staff are seen in the background watching their conversation]
Kelly Kapoor: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, number three becomes number two, etcetera, etcetera. And let's just say that I just sent back "Love Actually," which was awesome. And they sent me "Uptown Girls," which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see "Love Actually" again, but it's at the bottom of the queue. Oh, no, what do I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go click, click, click, and I change the order of the queue so that I can see "Love Actually" as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?
Ryan Howard: I guess I forgot.
[stands up, smiles and kisses Kelly on the forehead before collecting his winnings]
Kelly Kapoor: You're such a ditz.
Kevin Malone: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, 42 seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win $10 because she said "awesome" 12 times. And Jim, you win $5 because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
[Pam and Jim smile in delight]

---

"The Office: Launch Party (#4.3)" (2007)

Kevin Malone: [Angela and Phyllis are hanging up a banner for the Launch Party] Isn't 7:00 p.m. a little late for a lunch party?
Angela Martin: [to Phyllis] Lunch party? It's supposed to say "Launch Party." What is wrong with you?
Phyllis Lapin: [cuts to confessional] Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw, so I googled, "How to deal with difficult people." And I got all of this.
[she holds up a few sheets of paper with information]
Phyllis Lapin: So we're gonna try out some new things today.
Phyllis Lapin: [it cuts back to the office] So, how do you feel about the fact that the banner says "Lunch"?
Angela Martin: I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.
Phyllis Lapin: [Phyllis looks down at the sheets of paper] I'm so sorry to hear that. That must be awful.
Angela Martin: It is awful. You've made this day awful.
Kevin Malone: Maybe you could just change the U into an A.
Angela Martin: Then it would say "Lanch Party," Kevin. Would it really be better if it said "Lanch Party"?

Stanley Hudson: You find anything?
Kevin Malone: We think it's a straightforward kidnapping.
Oscar Martinez: Stanley, could you look up accomplices?
Stanley Hudson: Why can't you guys do it?
Oscar Martinez: Because we're looking up jail time.

---

"The Office: Boys and Girls (#2.15)" (2006)

Kevin: I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up.
Jim Halpert: Thanks for the heads up, Kev.
Kevin: I got your back if he does... but try to stay out of it.

Kevin: I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up.
Jim Halpert: Thanks for the heads-up, Kev.
Kevin: I got your back if he does.
[long pause]
Kevin: But I'll try to stay out of it.

---

"The Office: Nepotism (#7.1)" (2010)

Kevin Malone: [on Michael slapping Luke] That was awesome!

Michael Scott: [about Luke's laser] Okay, can I have that?
Luke Cooper: No.
Michael Scott: Ok, I am going to count down from five.
Michael Scott: Five, four.
[Luke counts with him]
Michael Scott: I'm not kidding.
Luke Cooper: Three, two, one.
[Luke still mocking Michael with the counting]
Michael Scott: Give-okay. Alright, give it up.
Luke Cooper: No!
Michael Scott: [bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
Luke Cooper: What the...
Michael Scott: That's what you're going to do, Luke!
Luke Cooper: What the hell was that?
Michael Scott: I had to do that.
Luke Cooper: Hey,
[bleep]
Luke Cooper: this! Screw it!
Michael Scott: All right. Are we good?
[Luke runs out crying]
Michael Scott: You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.
Kevin Malone: That was awesome!
Stanley Hudson: Texas justice.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, your nephew is so lame.
Creed Bratton: He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean.
Jim Halpert: You follow him on Twitter?

---

"The Office: Hot Girl (#1.6)" (2005)

Kevin: So... are you jealous 'cause there's another girl around?
Pam Beesly: No.
Kevin: [considers Pam's lack of jealousy] She's prettier than you, though.
Pam Beesly: [long, stunned pause] That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin.

Jim Halpert: [about purse salesgirl Katy] She's not really my type.
Roy: What, are you gay?
Jim Halpert: Mm, I don't think so, nope.
Kevin: Well, what is your type?
Jim Halpert: [looks at Pam, takes a few seconds to come up with an answer] Moms, primarily. Yep, soccer moms, single moms, NASCAR moms. Any type of mom, really.
Roy: That's disgusting.
Kevin: Stay away from my mom.
Jim Halpert: Too late, Kev.

---

"The Office: The Job (#3.23)" (2007)

[During a talking heads segment about Jan's Boob job]
Meredith Palmer: I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than to the front.
Kevin Malone: I love fake boobs. Oftentimes, you find them on strippers.
Creed Bratton: I find it offensive. Au naturel, baby. That's how I like them. Swing low, sweet chariots.

---

"The Office: Michael Scott Paper Company (#5.21)" (2009)

Charles Miner: Okay, I'm gonna call you "Kapoor", and you, "Hannon."
Kelly Erin Hannon: If we're changing names, can I be Erin? It's my middle name.
Charles Miner: Erin? Okay, that's... very pretty.
Kelly Kapoor: Well, you know what my name is? Rajanigandha, and I hate it. I hate it!
[runs out of Charles' office]
Kevin Malone: I thought Rajanigandha was a boy's name.

---

"The Office: Chair Model (#4.10)" (2008)

Andy Bernard: Okay, so... Help us out.
Michael Scott: Wish I could, but I can't. Well, can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't.
Kevin Malone: Michael, please...
Michael Scott: What part of "shorn't" don't you understand, Kevin?

---

"The Office: Weight Loss (#5.1)" (2008)

Kevin Malone: Wait, back up. Do you think that I'm retarded?

---

"The Office: The Negotiation (#3.18)" (2007)

[as Roy is leaving the office]
Kevin Malone: Jim! Roy! Look out!
Jim Halpert: Thanks, Kev.

---

"The Office: Michael's Birthday (#2.19)" (2006)

Michael Scott: You know what they say the best medicine is?
Kevin: Well, the doctor said a combination of interferon and Dacarbazine.
Michael Scott: And laughter, also.

---

"The Office: The Fire (#2.4)" (2005)

Jim Halpert: [leading games during a fire drill] Ok, next: Who Would You Do?
Kevin: Present company included?
Jim Halpert: Um... I guess...
Kevin: Pam.
Oscar: Pam.
[cut to look of shock on Pam's face]
Jim Halpert: Um, ok, I don't think you... well, let me go over the rules one more time.

---

"The Office: Goodbye, Toby (#4.14)" (2008)

Kevin Malone: I am totally gonna bang Holly. She is cute and helpful, and she really seems into me.

---

"The Office: Back from Vacation (#3.11)" (2007)

[last lines]
Kevin Malone: What am I going to do? I'm going to hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art.

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"The Office: Casino Night (#2.22)" (2006)

Kevin: I suck.

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"The Office: Murder (#6.9)" (2009)

Kevin Malone: [Andy is demonstrating his talent for Southern accents] Ooo! Now do the Swedish Chef!
Andy Bernard: I'm not familiar. Which providence is he from?
Kevin Malone: He's from Sesame Street, dumbass!

---

"The Office: Sexual Harassment (#2.2)" (2005)

Pam Beesley: Guys, my mom is coming in today and...
Kevin: MILF.
Pam Beesley: Thanks, Kevin.

---

"The Office: The Alliance (#1.4)" (2005)

Jim Halpert: You are not going to believe this.
Dwight Schrute: What? I believe it.
Jim Halpert: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
Dwight Schrute: I could tell from the body language.
Jim Halpert: [in the kitchen] That looks good. What is it? Turkey?
Kevin: Italian.
Jim Halpert: Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion. Provolone...
Kevin: Yeah.
[back outside]
Jim Halpert: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
Dwight Schrute: Good. Let 'em. That's fine. It helps our cause.
Jim Halpert: Well, I don't know, because if Kevin's in Accounting and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...
Dwight Schrute: They're forming an alliance.
Toby: [back in kitchen] I love their sandwiches.
Jim Halpert: I love their sandwiches too.
Kevin: Their bread's really good.
Jim Halpert: Their bread is very good.
Dwight Schrute: [back outside] Damn it. God. Gah!
[kicks car and car alarm sounds]
Jim Halpert: Okay, listen. We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight Schrute: God damn it! Why us?
Jim Halpert: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong!

---

"The Office: Dunder Mifflin Infinity (#4.2)" (2007)

Michael Scott: [welcoming back Ryan] Look how big he is. Look at you. You are so mature and old and little man now. You're like our little man.
Kevin Malone: Little old man-boy.

---

"The Office: The Return (#3.13)" (2007)

Kevin: Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gaycation?
Oscar: That's very funny.
Kevin: [Proudly smiles] Yeah? I thought of that like two seconds after you left.

---

"The Office: Dream Team (#5.20)" (2009)

Kevin Malone: Dunder Mifflin, this is Kevin. Please hold, I'll transfer you.
[yells]
Kevin Malone: Oscar! Your mom!

---

"The Office: Pilot (#1.1)" (2005)

[Worried about downsizing]
Angela: I think it's going to be me... It'll probably be me...
Kevin: Yeah, it'll be you.

---

"The Office: Beach Games (#3.22)" (2007)

Kevin Malone: I just wanna lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.

---

"The Office: Health Care (#1.3)" (2005)

[Michael doesn't want to come out of his office]
Kevin: He has to come out sometime... to go to the bathroom!
Angela: Kevin, that's inappropriate!

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"The Office: Phyllis' Wedding (#3.15)" (2007)

Kevin Malone: I'm supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old, and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It's a very serious situation. 1-2-3-4!
[singing]
Kevin Malone: Roxanne...

---

"The Office: Fun Run (#4.1)" (2007)

Kevin: Oh, well, if they aren't together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB and J. Pam Beasley and Jim. What a waste. What a waste.

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"The Office: A Benihana Christmas (#3.10)" (2006)

Michael Scott: [rides into office on very old and very used 10-speed bike and stops at Pam's desk] Hey! I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candy Pams. And perhaps some Pam chops... with mint.
Pam Beesly: Can I help you Michael?
Michael Scott: I'm looking for the Toy Drive box.
Pam Beesly: It's behind you.
Michael Scott: [turns around to see Toy Drive pile full of brand-new, unopened toys. Leans his old bike against wall] Okay. Well, I need to put this bike in there. I hope it will fit, with all these little knickknacks.
Jim Halpert: Wow. What kind of bike is that?
Michael Scott: Um. I don't know. Average kind.
Kevin Malone: That tires look pretty worn.
Michael Scott: Well, that is probably from the test drive.
Jim Halpert: But the paint is chipping. Is that your old bike, Michael?
Michael Scott: No.

---

"The Office: Office Olympics (#2.3)" (2005)

Jim Halpert: This scented candle which I found in the men's bathroom represents the eternal... burning of competition. Or something.
Kevin: It smells like cookies.
Jim Halpert: Yes, it does, my friend. Yes, it does.

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