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[David, Gareth and Tim are discussing catchphrases
: What ones are yours that I use? David Brent
: Same shit, different day, that's mine. Exsqueeze me, instead of excuse me. Tim
: Wank you very much. David Brent
: Yeah, I invented that.
: I live with my parents David Brent
: Cherish them. Both of mine are dead. Well, my dad's not dead, but in a home, so good as.
[Dawn and Tim are getting a laugh out of pretending Gareth is gay
: We were wondering if a military man like you, a soldier, er, could you give a man a lethal blow? Gareth
: If I was forced to, I could. If it was absolutely necessary, if he was attacking me. Tim
: What if he was coming, really hard? Gareth
: Yeah, if my life was in danger, yeah. Dawn
: And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke, or could you take a man from behind? Gareth
: Either ways easy. Dawn
: So you could take a man from behind? Gareth
: Yeah. Dawn
: I'm 30 today. My mum got me up really early this morning to give me my present.
: [Reading from the birthday card Dawn gave him
] What's the difference between your penis and your wages? You can find lots of women who will blow your wages.
[David is singing a song he wrote
] David Brent
] Little while later I see a cowboy crying, I said, "Hey buddy, what can I do?" He says, "I lived a good life, had about a thousand women." I said "Why the tears?", he says "'cause none of them was you." Tim
: What, you? David Brent
: No, he's looking at a photograph. Tim
: Of you? David Brent
: No, of his girlfriend. The video would have shown it. Tim
: Sorry. It just sounds a bit gay. David Brent
: It's not gay!
: What in the name of Jumping Jehosaphet was that song about?
: Gareth, quick trust exercise, ultimate fantasy? Gareth
: Hmm? David Brent
: We're just doing the ultimate fantasy, we're all doing it. Gareth
: Two lesbians probably, sisters. I'm just watching. Rowan
: OK. Erm. Tim? Do you have one? Tim
: I'd never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?
[Brent believes anything with the Queen's image should be currency
] David Brent
: In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender. A bus driver would have to accept that as currency. Tim
: Yeah, that'd happen. Gareth
: Well, if he doesn't, report him. Tim
: Yeah, I'll report him while I'm walking home. Gareth
: Get a taxi, if you've got enough stamps. Dawn
: Or cash 'em in at the Post Office. David Brent
: Shouldn't have to. Shouldn't have to.
: Ok now guys, we're about to enter a warehouse environment now. I'll just warn you that some of the people in here will be working class. So there may be some arse cleavage. Just find a partner, hold hands and don't talk to anyone.
: You like that, don't you? Tim
: What? Rachel
: [picks up Trudy's brand new pink dildo
] Is that because it looks like yours? Tim
: Yeah, it's identical, as well. Well, mine's not that size, it's very, very tiny. But it is made of plastic. Gareth
: Mine's massive and it ain't made of plastic!
: I don't know where we're going tonight. Obviously Finchy's a sophisticated guy, and Gareth's a culture vulture, so you know will it be opera, ballet? I don't know. I know the RSC's in town, so er... having said that at Chasers, it's Hooch for a pound and Wonderbras-get-in-free night tonight. So I don't know, I don't know who'll win, it's exciting. I'm staying out of it.
: Slough's nightlife is incredible; it's got two nightclubs, it's got Chasers and New York, New York. They call it the nightclub that never sleeps. That closes at one. There was, oh my god, a themed nightclub called Henry the Eights. This was incredible. It had the Anne Bol-inn, this is true, as you went into the loo, there was a sign that said mind your head, nice, and underneath someone had written 'And don't get your Hampton Court.' It's not there any more. But not a day goes by that I don't think about it.
: In this room I have special... Tim
: ...needs? Gareth
: No, in this room I am a special... Tim
: ...needs child? Gareth
: No, and that's not even funny.
: Have you heard George Michael's latest release? Tim
: No. David Brent
: No? George Michael's latest song... his release, though... Tim
: Is it about blow jobs? David Brent
: Yeah, that thing in the toilet. It was a hand job... Donna
: Is it 'Wank Me Off Before You Go-Go'?
[on Comic Relief
: Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against this sort of thing. It's a good cause, but I just don't want to have to join in with someone else's idea of wackiness, okay? It's the wackiness I can't stand. It's like, you see someone outside Asda collecting for cancer research because they've been personally affected by it, or whatever, I dunno, an old bloke selling poppies, there's a dignity about that. A real quiet dignity.
[in the background, a gang including Brent and Gareth wrestle a colleague to the ground and expose his genitals to the camera
: And that's what today's about, isn't it? Dignity. Always dignity.
: I'm just saying there should be tests Tim
: We're all ears Gareth Gareth
: Well I don't know, when they go down the DSS to make a claim then they should set off a fire alarm fake fire alarm, everybody legs it out the office leaving them there. If they're fake they'll be up and running with them, if they're real they'll be left there screaming for help.
: You know Bruce Lee's not really dead, don't you? Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police, infiltrating drugs gangs and the Triads. Gareth
: Yeah, I reckon that's true. Tim
: Yeah, I reckon that's true. Because if you were gonna send someone undercover to investigate the Triads, you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star.
[Tim and Rachel snicker
: Oh, gone off Dawn now, have you?
[Gareth has just caught Tim and Rachel kissing
: How long has this been going on? When were you going to tell me? I can't believe you'd get off with a girl that I fancy. Tim
: Why can't you believe that, Gareth? Gareth
: Well, I can't believe there's a bird that fancies you over me for a start. What are you... he's a weird little bloke. Look at his cartoon face and his hair. He looks like a Fisher Price man. And his rubbish clothes... it makes me think there's something wrong with you, and yet in my head I'd still do you, so I'm confused... all right, I'll ask you straight: is there anything that could happen between us while this is going on? Rachel
: Like what? Gareth
: What, specifically? Hand job? Look, don't answer now. Think about it.
[Tim builds a wall of boxes between his and Gareth's desk
: I don't like acting like a kid, do you know what I mean? But he's a bit... Gareth
: What are you doing? Tim
: I don't actually want to have to look at you, Gareth. Gareth
: You can't do that. Tim
: Why not? Gareth
: Health and Safety. Tim
: Health and Safety. Erm, why? Crushed by Cardboard, or what? Gareth
: No, number one: blocking out light. Number two: misuse of company files. Tim
: Misuse of files? Yeah, see this is why the whole redundancy thing doesn't bother me. If I have to work with him another day, right, I'm just going to, I will... I will slit my throat.
[Mimes a throat slitting action
: Yeah, you won't do it like that, though. You'd get the knife in behind the windpipe, then pull it down like that.
[Tim snatches Gareth's stapler and holds it out the window
: You stay where you are okay? I'm gonna let go, right, unless you stop acting like a fool. Gareth
: Well, you won't, so... Tim
: Well, I have, so...
[Time drops the Stapler out the window
: What if that kills someone? Tim
: Kills somebody? Umm, well, they'll think you're the murderer. It's got your name on it. Gareth
: Why would a murderer put his name on the murder weapon? Tim
: To stop people borrowing it? Gareth
: David. Tim
: I hate the fact that you bring me down to this; really I do, I resent it.
: Sheila, what do you look for in a bloke? Sheila
: [uncomfortably long pause
] I like blacks.
] The people you work with are just people you were thrown together with. Y'know, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them thanyou do your friends or your family.
[Now on screen, talking to interview camera
: But probably all you've got in common is the fact that you walk round on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with - yeah, and Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life - it can mean a lot. But if I'm really being honest, I never really thought it would have a happy ending. I don't know what a happy ending is. Life isn't about endings, is it? It's a series of moments. And um, if you turn the camera off, it's not an ending is it? I'm still here. My life is not over. Come back here in ten years. See how I'm doing then. 'Cause I could be married with children, you don't know. Life just goes on.
: Team Leader don't mean anything mate. Gareth
: Excuse me, it means I'm leader of a team. Tim
: No it doesn't. It's a title someone's given you to get you to do something they don't want to do for free - it's like making the div kid at school milk monitor. No one respects it. Gareth
: I think they do. Tim
: No they don't Gareth. Gareth
: Erm yes they do, cos if people were rude to me then I used to give them their milk last... so it was warm.
: The people you work with are people you were just throw together with. You know, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice, and yet you spend more time with them then you do your friends or your family. But probably all you've got in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for 8 hours a day. And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you... you have a connection with... yeah. And Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life and it meant a lot. But, if I'm really being honest I never really thought it would have a happy ending. I don't know what a happy ending is. Life isn't about endings, is it? It's a series of moments. And umm... it's not if, you know, if you turn the camera off it's not an ending, is it. I'm still here, my life's not over. Come back, come back here in 10 years, see how I'm doing then. Cause I could be married with kids, you don't know. Life just goes on.
[there is a possibility that the Slough offices will be downsized with redundancies
: You're all smug now. You're moving away. But think of me, the shoe could be on the other foot. Tim
: You're going to be all right, aren't you? Gareth
: Yeah, I work hard, I earn my keep. But unfortunately, the history books are full of just people who toil and fight for worthy causes and the freedom of others. Tim
: That's the most profound thing you've ever said, mate. Gareth
: And you do all that, only for foreigners of women or the disableds to take advantage of it. Tim
: Yeah. Could I withdraw my last comment?
[Dawn is coming back from America for the office Christmas party
: Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing her again, of course. She's my friend, and she's a good friend, and no, I don't know exactly how I'll feel. I'll feel like a friend feels, whatever that is, you know, but as I said, I'm not going to ask her again! Come on!
: I might ask her again. No, I won't, I won't. She would have to do the asking.