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: I have a fiancé I very much like.
: Ang... ela.
[Angela gives Andy an annoyed look
] Andy Bernard
] Ela, ela, ela. Under my Angerela. Ela, ela, eh, eh, eh. Angela Martin
: I have a nice comforter, a few cozy pillows, I usually read a chapter of a book, and it's lights out by 8:30, and *that's* how I sleep at night.
: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today. Angela Martin
: Waste of time. Michael Scott
: What's that, pipsqueak? Angela Martin
: Waste of time. The website's going to win. Dwight Schrute
: You believe a computer can beat me? Angela Martin
: I don't care, but yes. Dwight Schrute
: Well, I will prove you wrong. Angela Martin
: I don't care, and you won't. Dwight Schrute
: You'll see. Angela Martin
: I won't be watching, and I won't.
: Hey, do you know any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man. Pam Beesly
: Um, I'll get back to you. Angela Martin
: Let me know.
: [Angela and Phyllis are hanging up a banner for the Launch Party
] Isn't 7:00 p.m. a little late for a lunch party? Angela Martin
: [to Phyllis
] Lunch party? It's supposed to say "Launch Party." What is wrong with you? Phyllis Lapin
: [cuts to confessional
] Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw, so I googled, "How to deal with difficult people." And I got all of this.
[she holds up a few sheets of paper with information
] Phyllis Lapin
: So we're gonna try out some new things today. Phyllis Lapin
: [it cuts back to the office
] So, how do you feel about the fact that the banner says "Lunch"? Angela Martin
: I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid. Phyllis Lapin
: [Phyllis looks down at the sheets of paper
] I'm so sorry to hear that. That must be awful. Angela Martin
: It is awful. You've made this day awful. Kevin Malone
: Maybe you could just change the U into an A. Angela Martin
: Then it would say "Lanch Party," Kevin. Would it really be better if it said "Lanch Party"?
: [during dinner
] How's your meat? Dwight Schrute
: Dry. Delicious.
: I heard a joke today. Dwight Schrute
: [awkward laughter
] Oh, that's funny. Angela Martin
: Yes, it was.
[Michael interrupts Phyllis, Angela, and Pam as they're preparing Ryan's welcome-back party
] Michael Scott
: [as Phyllis and Angela put up a banner
] Can you make that straighter? That's what she said. Phyllis Lapin
: Did you plan that? Michael Scott
: [as he looks at his notes
] No. Pam Beesly
: [Pam grabs and reads off the notes
] "Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that." How can you even use that one naturally? Michael Scott
: Blowing up balloons, I thought. Pam Beesly
: "You might want to trim it a little." Angela Martin
: Sometimes the clothes at the GapKids are just too flashy. So, I am forced to go to American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.
: Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited. Meredith Palmer
: I don't remember doing that! Angela
: What a surprise.
: What you're saying is extremely misogynistic. Michael Scott
: Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And it proves my point. Women can do anything. Karen Filippelli
: I'm saying that you're being sexist. Michael Scott
: No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist. Karen Filippelli
: That's the same thing. Phyllis Lapin
: Michael. Michael Scott
: Yes. Phyllis Lapin
: When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian. Michael Scott
: Because... That was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut. Angela
: And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods. Michael Scott
: I have to know whether you're serious or not.
: [Dunder Mifflin party planning committee meets in conference room to discuss holiday party festivities for the office
] Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch. Phyllis Lapin
: I thought you said green was whorish. Angela
: No. Orange is whorish.
[Camera pulls back to show Phyllis wearing an orange blouse
] Karen Filippelli
: So, I had a couple ideas to make the Stamford branch feel more at home. Each year, we have a Christmas raffle... Angela
: It would never work here. Karen Filippelli
: Okay. Um, another idea was karaoke. Angela
: No. Karen Filippelli
: A Christmas drinking game? Meredith
: Yes! Angela
: God help you. Karen Filippelli
: What? Angela
: These are all terrible ideas. And none of them are on the theme of a Nutcracker Christmas. I think you should leave. Karen Filippelli
: [laughs nervously, unsure what to do
] You're kidding. Angela
: You tried this out, and it's clearly not for you. It's time to go. Come on. Please? Thank you.
[Karen looks to Pam for help, but Pam awkardly looks down at some papers leaving Karen to fend for herself. Angela rises and shows Karen to the door. Karen leaves the meeting
: Monkey, this is possum. Do you copy? Angela
: Copy, possum. What's your 20?
: Hey! Excuse me! Waitress lady! Hey! Where do you think you're going with that? Nikki
: I thought I could have it. Angela
: No, you can't have it. I don't walk into your house and steal your Hello Kitty backpack.
: Prison Mike, what's the very, very worst thing about prison? Angela Martin
: [softly to Dwight
] Don't encourage him, Dwight. Michael Scott
: [as Prison Mike
] The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and then they'd come down and they'd suck the soul out of your body and it hurt! Karen Filippelli
: Dementors, like in "Harry Potter"? Michael Scott
: No, not "Harry Potter." There are no movies in prison.
: Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else? Michael Scott
: Do you really expect me not to push you up against the wall, biatch?
: [the members of the office are playing a game of "Who would you do?"
] Roy? Who would you do, Roy? Roy
: Oh, I got it. What's the name of that tight-ass Christian chick? The blonde? Angela
] My name is Angela. Roy
: [without shame
] Hey, Angela.
[gesturing to himself
: Roy, nice to meet you. Michael Scott
: All right, who's next? Who's next? Who's next? Who's... Jim? You're next. Who would you do? Jim Halpert
: [There is an awkward pause
] Um, Kevin, hands down.
[the group begins to laugh
] Jim Halpert
: Yeah, I mean, he's really got that teddy bear thing going on and afterwards we could just watch bowling. Michael Scott
: Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan,
[the group stops laughing and Ryan makes an uncomfortable expression
] Michael Scott
: 'cause he's gonna own his own business. Roy
: [the camera pans to Roy who is the only one left laughing
] You're all gay.
: [the employees are listing what books they would like to read on a desert island
] "The Da Vinci Code." Angela
: "The Da Vinci Code." I would take "The Da Vinci Code," so I could burn "The Da Vinci Code." Dwight Schrute
: Okay, great. That's gonna keep you warm for, like, seven seconds.
: Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin Warehouse Inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it. Angela Martin
: By the end of the day? That's impossible. Michael Scott
: The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible." Jim Halpert
: Yep, it's English. It's "impossible."
: I've called every grocery store in Scranton and no one sells whole pigs. Angela Martin
: Did you try the petting zoo?
: In the Martin family, we like to say, "Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly." That's code for "Check out the slut."
: Dwight's room key. And Dwight's room. What can I say? Old habits die hard.
[opens door, sees a woman on the bed
] Angela Martins
: D? Jim Halpert
: [closes door quickly
] Oh, my God! Dwight got a hooker! Oh, my God, I gotta call... Well, I gotta call somebody, I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker!
: I don't want to blame anyone in particular; I think everyone's to blame.
: [about their agreement
] But not in your bed. It's lumpy. Angela Martin
: Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names. And those names are Amber, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy.
: Those aren't chips and dip. Pam Beesley
: No, I made brownies.
] Pam Beesley
: What? Angela
: I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things. Pam Beesley
] I made brownies. Angela
: And I made cookies. Same category.
: [deleted scene
] I look forward to drug testing. I used to get a runner's high. Which is why now I lift.
: [talking about Dwight pepper spraying Roy
] I remember it was very late at night, like 11:00, 11:30. Big fella comes in screaming about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car, something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter... Angela
: [cuts him off
] You're useless.
: [as Angela, Stanley, Toby and Pam are forging Michael's signature
] This is illegal. Stanley Hudson
: I don't care.
: [talking quietly to Angela with Ryan nearby, trying badly to hide their affair
] What about that meeting later to discuss finances? Angela
: Yes. But don't expect any cookie. Dwight Schrute
: [slowly whispering
] But what if I'm hungry? Angela
: No cookie.
[knowing what they were really talking about, stares into the camera at a total loss for words
: So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want. Angela Martin
: Who would *ever* come to this? Michael Scott
: I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be... uh, old person. I could be a looky-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan. What? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes, without saying... Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady, it seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy. There's really something going on... Jim Halpert
] Do you need us for any of this? Michael Scott
: ...Do I?
: If the devil were to explode, and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have? Angela
: Michael... Michael Scott
: Like a beach blowout, or a toga, a toga. Toga!
: The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth makes me want to vomit.
: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
[Angela rolls her eyes
] Jan Levinson
: Well actually, I uh, I had a tub birth. That was really, really quite amazing. Angela Martin
: You gave birth in a *tub*? Jan Levinson
: Yeah, it's... it's a really nice transition from womb to, to world, you know? Kinda like a big womb... Kelly Kapoor
: Umm, so you're in the tub with... everything? Jan Levinson
: Oh yeah, the afterbirth floats. Yeah.
] Creed Bratton
: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach. Jan Levinson
: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed. Creed Bratton
: [shakes his head
] Ugh... Stanley Hudson
: I'm done.
] Oscar Martinez
: Me too.
: And the Tight Ass Award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has a great caboose. So, come on down. Angela
: Look, I hate to be "that" person, but I just don't like the general spirit of music.
: Voodoo Mama Juju, explain your dalliance with the dark arts. Angela Martin
: It's not my fault. I was exposed to "Harry Potter." Dwight Schrute
: I know you did it! Dwight Schrute
: [to the camera crew
] I know she didn't do it. It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis, a.k.a. Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect.
: Will you marry me? Holly Flax
: No. Michael Scott
: That would be hot. I'd pay to see that.
: I'm not gaining anything from this seminar. I'm a professional woman, the head of Accounting. I'm in the healthiest relationship of my life. I just think it's insulting that Jan thinks we need this. And apparently, judging from her outfit, Jan aspires to be a whore.
: Well, for decorations, maybe we could - it's stupid, forget it. Angela
: What? Phyllis
: Oh, I was just gonna say maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind. Angela
: No, yeah, I think that's a good idea. What color do you guys think? Phyllis
: Well, there's green... blue... yellow... red. Pam Beesly
: How about green? Angela
: I think green is kind of whoreish.
: [Kelly is just leaving the office Christmas party
] You behaved very badly tonight.
[Worried about downsizing
: I think it's going to be me... It'll probably be me... Kevin
: Yeah, it'll be you.
[Michael doesn't want to come out of his office
: He has to come out sometime... to go to the bathroom! Angela
: Kevin, that's inappropriate!
: I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will, though, and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer.
: Okay. So this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings, using "I" emotion language, and no judging or "you" statements. Angela
: I got this poster for Christmas and I feel I want to see it every day. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor. Michael Scott
: Come on. Seriously, that? Oscar
: I don't like looking at it. it's creepy and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who forced the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art, it destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hard-core porn.
: Are you getting sick? Kelly Erin Hannon
: No. It's just indigestion. Angela Martin
: In your nose?
: Michael, could see you in your office, please? Angela Martin
: No. Jim Halpert
: I wasn't asking *you*!
[during a "Diversity Day" exercise; Angela is wearing a sign on her forehead that says "Jamaican."
: Hey. Angela
: Hey. Kevin
: You wanna go to the beach? Angela
: Sure. Kevin
: You wanna get high? Angela
: No. Kevin
: I think you do, mon.
: [singing to the tune of "Hollaback Girl"
] This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! This day is bananas! B-A-N-A... Angela Martin
: [cut to Angela taking some aspirin
] I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing.
: [trying to comfort Angela
] Hey, come on, don't be sad. Just... Okay? Just... She's in a better place. Angela Martin
] All right. Dwight Schrute
: Actually, the place that she's in is the freezer because of the odor.
] Under no circumstances should a man strip off his clothes in this office. Meredith Palmer
: [shouts angrily
] Shut up, Angela!
: [Asking Angela to play in "Office Olympics"
] Come on, Angela, don't you have a game? Angela
: I have one, yes. Pam Beesley
: Well, let's play. What is it? Angela
: I call it "Pam-Pong." I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you. Pam Beesley
] We're friends. Angela