Kelly Kapoor
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Quotes for
Kelly Kapoor (Character)
from "The Office" (2005)

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"The Office: Money (#4.4)" (2007)
Kelly Kapoor: Daryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?

[In the conference room, the office workers are discussing the correct use of 'whoever' vs. 'whomever']
Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
Ryan Howard: Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin Malone: I don't know.
Pam Beesly: It's 'whom' when it's the object of the sentence and 'who' when it's the subject.
Phyllis Lapin: That sounds right.
Michael Scott: Well, it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley: How did Ryan use it, as an object?
Ryan Howard: As an object.
Kelly Kapoor: Ryan used *me* as an object.
Stanley: Is he right about that...?
Pam Beesly: How did he use it again?
Toby Flenderson: It was... Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object...
Michael Scott: Thank you!
Toby Flenderson: whomever, meaning us, the indirect object... which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael Scott: No one asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.

Kelly Kapoor: Well, I just need to know where this is going.
Darryl Philbin: Hey, I like you. All right? What's not to like? But you need to access your un-crazy side; otherwise, maybe this thing has run its course.

Kelly Kapoor: Ryan used me as an object.

"The Office: Casual Friday (#5.24)" (2009)
Kelly Kapoor: Damn it, Meredith, where are your panties?
Meredith: It's casual day.

Kelly Kapoor: Dammit Meredith, where are your panties?
Darryl Philbin: It's casual day!

"The Office: Safety Training (#3.19)" (2007)
[Ryan is watching his watch while Kelly is seated on the desk in front of him talking. The rest of the office staff are seen in the background watching their conversation]
Kelly Kapoor: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, number three becomes number two, etcetera, etcetera. And let's just say that I just sent back "Love Actually," which was awesome. And they sent me "Uptown Girls," which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see "Love Actually" again, but it's at the bottom of the queue. Oh, no, what do I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go click, click, click, and I change the order of the queue so that I can see "Love Actually" as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?
Ryan Howard: I guess I forgot.
[stands up, smiles and kisses Kelly on the forehead before collecting his winnings]
Kelly Kapoor: You're such a ditz.
Kevin Malone: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, 42 seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win $10 because she said "awesome" 12 times. And Jim, you win $5 because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
[Pam and Jim smile in delight]

Michael Scott: Heart disease kills more people than balers.
Lonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael Scott: No. No, it's sedentary.
Lonny: Yeah, yeah, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from? You have fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly Kapoor: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
Lonny: Yeah?
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah.
Lonny: I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?
Kelly Kapoor: Ryan!
Lonny: Dude, please tell your girl to shut up.
Kelly Kapoor: What?
Ryan Howard: Kelly, you've insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.
Kelly Kapoor: Are you kidding me?

"The Office: Customer Survey (#5.6)" (2008)
Michael Scott: Kelly...
Kelly Kapoor: I was raped.
Michael Scott: You cannot say "I was raped" and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that.

Kelly Kapoor: Dwight, get out of my nook.
Pam Beesley: [Jumping up and down in her chair] That's what she said. That's what she said! That's what she said!

"The Office: Launch Party (#4.3)" (2007)
Kelly Kapoor: [after Michael reads out a memo] That's from Ryan? Does it mention if he's seeing anybody?
Michael Scott: No, it doesn't. I'll find out tonight.
Stanley Hudson: Yes, please let us know.

Dwight Schrute: [Irate that Kelly is buying from the computer that he is competing with] What're you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts!
Kelly Kapoor: But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says 'Thanks for shopping at Dunder Mifflin!'
Dwight Schrute: Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!
Darryl Philbin: Who knows?
Dwight Schrute: [Snatches ream of paper from Darryl and yells at Kelly] Return it! Return it now!
Darryl Philbin: [Snatches the ream back] Hey! How 'bout stop yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over 500 sheets of paper and you get back to your desk. Start selling multiple reams, like a man?
Dwight Schrute: Y-you don't understand. Okay, if this makes the difference
[points at the ream of paper]
Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna tell It that YOU were responsible.
Darryl Philbin: [with a threatening voice] Who's "It"?

"The Office: The Deposition (#4.8)" (2007)
Pam Beesley: Kelly's trash-talking me because Darryl's beating you.
Jim Halpert: What? Seriously? What is she saying?
Kelly Kapoor: [looking back] Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball. Jim couldn't hit a Ping-Pong ball if it was the size of the moon. Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at Ping-Pong?

Kelly Kapoor: I don't talk trash; I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, "Your mama's so fat, she could eat the Internet." But smack talk is happening, like, right now. Like, "You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there."

"The Office: The Job (#3.23)" (2007)
David Wallace: So I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty, but after some more thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. Great. I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here.
Ryan Howard: I'm excited, too. Okay. Bye.
Kelly Kapoor: Who was that?
Ryan Howard: Nobody,
[short pause]
Ryan Howard: You and I are done.
Kelly Kapoor: What?
[glances at the camera]

"The Office: Michael Scott Paper Company (#5.21)" (2009)
Charles Miner: Okay, I'm gonna call you Kapoor, okay, and you Hannon.
Kelly Erin Hannon: If we're changing names, can I be Erin? It's my middle name.
Charles Miner: Erin? Okay, that's very pretty.
Kelly Kapoor: Well, you know what my name is? Rajnigandha. And I hate it. I hate it!
[runs out of Charles' office]
Kevin Malone: I thought Rajnigandha was a boy's name.

"The Office: Blood Drive (#5.16)" (2009)
Kelly Kapoor: So I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer.
[opens envelope and reads from card]
Kelly Kapoor: Roses are red, violets are blue. It's time for your dental cleaning and maybe a checkup, too.

"The Office: Counseling (#7.2)" (2010)
Jim Halpert: That's a really good idea Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor: What did I say?
Kelly Kapoor: [in the "confessional"] I talk a lot, so I learn to tune myself out.

"The Office: Weight Loss (#5.1)" (2008)
Kelly Kapoor: [to the camera] I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months, I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
Creed Bratton: [seperately to the camera] That wasn't a tapeworm.

"The Office: Drug Testing (#2.20)" (2006)
Kelly Kapoor: And the guys are saying, "Chug! Chug! Chug!" But I'm so small and all I had eaten that day was one of those Auntie Em pretzels from the food court. So I said, "Is it okay if I sip it?" And they said, "No." But Ryan seemed cool either way...
Dwight Schrute: Stop! This is not "Kelly Kapoor's Story Hour." Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is on the line! Now, I'm gonna ask you again, what time did you go home last night?
Kelly Kapoor: 6:00.

"The Office: Todd Packer (#7.17)" (2011)
Holly Flax: [about Todd Packer] Okay, look, we can't fire someone because we don't like him.
Ryan Howard: Right. This isn't the U.S. government.
Kelly Kapoor: What are you referencing?
Ryan Howard: Everything. Everything.

"The Office: Baby Shower (#5.3)" (2008)
Andy Bernard: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
[Angela rolls her eyes]
Jan Levinson: Well actually, I uh, I had a tub birth. That was really, really quite amazing.
Angela Martin: You gave birth in a *tub*?
Jan Levinson: Yeah, it's... it's a really nice transition from womb to, to world, you know? Kinda like a big womb...
Kelly Kapoor: Umm, so you're in the tub with... everything?
Jan Levinson: Oh yeah, the afterbirth floats. Yeah.
Creed Bratton: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Jan Levinson: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
Creed Bratton: [shakes his head] Ugh...
Stanley Hudson: I'm done.
[walks out]
Oscar Martinez: Me too.
[follows Stanley]

"The Office: The Dundies (#2.1)" (2005)
Dwight Schrute: So, what's the joke? You're not perfect, either.
Pam Beesly: We're not laughing at you, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: So, who are we laughing at?
Pam Beesly: Just something somebody wrote.
Dwight Schrute: Who, Dave Barry?
Kelly: [laughs] No, no. Just something that was written on the ladies' room wall.
Dwight Schrute: What is it? Who wrote it?
Pam Beesly: It's kind of private.
Phyllis: [whispers] It's about Michael.
Dwight Schrute: That is defacement of company property, so you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.
Pam Beesly: [laughing] Okay, now I'm laughing at you.

"The Office: The Merger (#3.8)" (2006)
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, my God, I have so much to tell you!
Jim Halpert: Really?
Kelly Kapoor: Yes. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, they had a baby and they named it Suri, and then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, they had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing!
Jim Halpert: Great. What's new with you?
Kelly Kapoor: [blank stare] I just told you.

"The Office: Boys and Girls (#2.15)" (2006)
Jan Levinson-Gould: Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly, but many women ask to go over it, so, "fumble" means...
Phyllis: Mistake.
Meredith: Slip.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Right. "Par for the course" is a golf term. It means "right on track." "Below par" means "worse." Wait. That should mean better. That doesn't make sense.
Kelly Kapoor: What about "second base"? Like, if Michael said he got to second base with you, does that mean you, like, closed a deal?
Jan Levinson-Gould: Excuse me?
Kelly Kapoor: I mean, that's a baseball term, right?
Jan Levinson-Gould: I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know.
[Kelly turns to the camera and winks]

"The Office: Christmas Party (#2.10)" (2005)
Kelly Kapoor: [unrolls jazz babies poster she chose during Yankee swap] ... Yikes.
Toby Flenderson: Well, it's for Angela, so...
Kelly Kapoor: [shows everyone the poster] That's like the creepiest thing that I've ever seen.

"The Office: Nepotism (#7.1)" (2010)
Michael Scott: [about Luke's laser] Okay, can I have that?
Luke Cooper: No.
Michael Scott: Ok, I am going to count down from five.
Michael Scott: Five, four.
[Luke counts with him]
Michael Scott: I'm not kidding.
Luke Cooper: Three, two, one.
[Luke still mocking Michael with the counting]
Michael Scott: Give-okay. Alright, give it up.
Luke Cooper: No!
Michael Scott: [bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
Luke Cooper: What the...
Michael Scott: That's what you're going to do, Luke!
Luke Cooper: What the hell was that?
Michael Scott: I had to do that.
Luke Cooper: Hey,
Luke Cooper: this! Screw it!
Michael Scott: All right. Are we good?
[Luke runs out crying]
Michael Scott: You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.
Kevin Malone: That was awesome!
Stanley Hudson: Texas justice.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, your nephew is so lame.
Creed Bratton: He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean.
Jim Halpert: You follow him on Twitter?

"The Office: Product Recall (#3.20)" (2007)
Kelly Kapoor: [singing to the tune of "Hollaback Girl"] This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! This day is bananas! B-A-N-A...
Angela Martin: [cut to Angela taking some aspirin] I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing.

"The Office: Fun Run (#4.1)" (2007)
[visiting Meredith in the hospital]
Michael Scott: She looks like an angel.
Kelly Kapoor: She looks awful.
Michael Scott: No- okay, she always looks like that.

"The Office: Classy Christmas (#7.11)" (2010)
Kelly Kapoor: Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.