Ryan Howard
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Quotes for
Ryan Howard (Character)
from "The Office" (2005)

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"The Office: Initiation (#3.5)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.
Ryan Howard: I don't think you know what you're saying.

Dwight Schrute: Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
Ryan Howard: I think about that all the time.

Dwight Schrute: Brain teaser: I have two coins, totaling 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan Howard: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight Schrute: No. I said one of them is not a nickel.
Ryan Howard: But the other one is. I've heard that before.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, "There's no way I can operate on this boy, because he's my..."
Ryan Howard: [cuts him off] "Because he's my son." The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight Schrute: A man is found hanging from the ceiling...
Ryan Howard: [cuts him off] He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.
Dwight Schrute: A hunter...
Ryan Howard: [cuts him off] It's a polar bear, because you're at the North Pole.
Dwight Schrute: Damn it!

"The Office: Safety Training (#3.19)" (2007)
[Ryan is watching his watch while Kelly is seated on the desk in front of him talking. The rest of the office staff are seen in the background watching their conversation]
Kelly Kapoor: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, number three becomes number two, etcetera, etcetera. And let's just say that I just sent back "Love Actually," which was awesome. And they sent me "Uptown Girls," which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see "Love Actually" again, but it's at the bottom of the queue. Oh, no, what do I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go click, click, click, and I change the order of the queue so that I can see "Love Actually" as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?
Ryan Howard: I guess I forgot.
[stands up, smiles and kisses Kelly on the forehead before collecting his winnings]
Kelly Kapoor: You're such a ditz.
Kevin Malone: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, 42 seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win $10 because she said "awesome" 12 times. And Jim, you win $5 because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
[Pam and Jim smile in delight]

Michael Scott: Heart disease kills more people than balers.
Lonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael Scott: No. No, it's sedentary.
Lonny: Yeah, yeah, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from? You have fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly Kapoor: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
Lonny: Yeah?
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah.
Lonny: I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?
Kelly Kapoor: Ryan!
Lonny: Dude, please tell your girl to shut up.
Kelly Kapoor: What?
Ryan Howard: Kelly, you've insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.
Kelly Kapoor: Are you kidding me?

Dwight Schrute: Hey! Guys, listen up, Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.
Andy Bernard: Whoa! What's the situation?
Dwight Schrute: Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy Bernard: Okay, when's the shunning thing going to end?
Dwight Schrute: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him *die*.
Stanley Hudson: Is it nice outside?
Dwight Schrute: It's gorgeous. Let's go!
Stanley Hudson: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight Schrute: No, it really is. It's very nice. Come on!
Ryan Howard: Will I be too warm in a long-sleeve tee?
Dwight Schrute: Everyone's going to be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!

"The Office: Traveling Salesmen (#3.12)" (2007)
Ryan Howard: Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but he will be missed.

Stanley Hudson: Pass.
Michael Scott: You can't pass. You gotta pick somebody.
Stanley Hudson: [looks around] I'll take the kid.
Ryan Howard: [in the confessional] I'm very flattered. I was his second choice after "pass."

"The Office: Hot Girl (#1.6)" (2005)
Ryan Howard: [cleaning out Michael's car] What about this bottle of power drink?
Michael Scott: Uh, what flavor?
Ryan Howard: Blue.
Michael Scott: Blue's not a flavor.
Ryan Howard: It says, "Flavor: Blue Blast."
Michael Scott: Oh, Blue Blast. Yes, put that in the trunk.

Ryan Howard: [cleaning out Michael's car] Wow. How many Filet-O-Fishes did you eat?
Michael Scott: That's over several months, Ryan.
Ryan Howard: Still...

"The Office: Money (#4.4)" (2007)
Ryan Howard: What I really want, honestly Michael, is for you to know it so that you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael Scott: [chuckles] Okay.
Ryan Howard: What?
Michael Scott: It's 'whoever', not 'whomever'.
Ryan Howard: No, it's 'whomever'.
Michael Scott: No, 'whomever' is never actually right.
Jim Halpert: Well, sometimes it's right.
Creed Bratton: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy Bernard: No. Actually, 'whomever' is the formal version of the word.
Oscar Martinez: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael Scott: [to camera] Not a native speaker.
Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

[In the conference room, the office workers are discussing the correct use of 'whoever' vs. 'whomever']
Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
Ryan Howard: Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin Malone: I don't know.
Pam Beesly: It's 'whom' when it's the object of the sentence and 'who' when it's the subject.
Phyllis Lapin: That sounds right.
Michael Scott: Well, it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley: How did Ryan use it, as an object?
Ryan Howard: As an object.
Kelly Kapoor: Ryan used *me* as an object.
Stanley: Is he right about that...?
Pam Beesly: How did he use it again?
Toby Flenderson: It was... Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object...
Michael Scott: Thank you!
Toby Flenderson: ...to whomever, meaning us, the indirect object... which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael Scott: No one asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.

"The Office: Grief Counseling (#3.4)" (2006)
Ryan Howard: A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa, and my cousin, Mufasa, was... He was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests, and we all took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.
Michael Scott: Do you want to talk about it any more?
Ryan Howard: Oh, it would probably take me, like, an hour and a half to tell that whole story.

"The Office: The Client (#2.7)" (2005)
Dwight Schrute: [playing Agent Michael Scarn in a screenplay written by Michael] "Sam, get my luggage."
Ryan Howard: [playing Agent Michael Scarn's assistant, Samuel L. Chang, with Asian accent] "I forget it, brother."
Dwight Schrute: "Samuel, you are such an idiot. You are the worst assistant ever and you're disgusting. Dwigt." Wait, who's Dwigt?
Pam Beesley: [in confessional] Here's what we think happened: Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie, is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight, but then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace. But that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one "Dwigt." And Dwight figured it out. Oops!

"The Office: The Return (#3.13)" (2007)
Jim Halpert: Hey, Ryan, wanna play a trick on Andy?
Ryan Howard: Not right now. Ask me again about 10 years ago.
Jim Halpert: I liked you better as a temp.
Ryan Howard: Me, too.

"The Office: The List (#8.1)" (2011)
Ryan Howard: [while eating pizza] Oh, this crust is sharp!

"The Office: Branch Closing (#3.7)" (2006)
Ryan Howard: It makes perfect sense that it would happen today. Because I just received this in the mail.
[pulls out a box of business cards]
Ryan Howard: A thousand business cards with this address and phone number.

"The Office: Christmas Party (#2.10)" (2005)
Phyllis: Hi, guys. Does everyone know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: What line of work you in, Bob?

"The Office: Finale (#9.23)" (2013)
Ryan Howard: I've finally mastered commitment!

"The Office: Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager (#7.23)" (2011)
Toby Flenderson: I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this?
[everyone in the conference room raises their hand]
Dwight Schrute: Okay, really?
Toby Flenderson: Would you consider this a terrorist incident?
Ryan Howard: I felt terrorized.
Dwight Schrute: Come on.
Toby Flenderson: Oh! There's a whole other terrorism booklet for that.
Dwight Schrute: I just really, really think that we should handle this internally.
Ryan Howard: Dwight, why is it on us to protect you?
Dwight Schrute: Because you guys are my best friends. And I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground.
[everyone has a shocked expression]
Dwight Schrute: And I mean that figuratively, not literally. Because you guys are so, so important to me. I love you guys, but don't cross me, but you're the best.

"The Office: Todd Packer (#7.17)" (2011)
Holly Flax: [about Todd Packer] Okay, look, we can't fire someone because we don't like him.
Ryan Howard: Right. This isn't the U.S. government.
Kelly Kapoor: What are you referencing?
Ryan Howard: Everything. Everything.

"The Office: Search Committee (#7.24)" (2011)
Ryan Howard: I got away with everything under the last boss and it wasn't good for me. So I want guidance. I want leadership. Lead me... when I'm in the mood to be led.

"The Office: The Job (#3.23)" (2007)
David Wallace: So I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty, but after some more thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. Great. I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here.
Ryan Howard: I'm excited, too. Okay. Bye.
Kelly Kapoor: Who was that?
Ryan Howard: Nobody,
[short pause]
Ryan Howard: You and I are done.
Kelly Kapoor: What?
[glances at the camera]

"The Office: The Secret (#2.13)" (2006)
Ryan Howard: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget, too.

"The Office: Take Your Daughter to Work Day (#2.18)" (2006)
Stanley: [believing that Ryan is after his 8th grade daughter] That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. Do you understand?
Ryan Howard: Yes, sir.
Stanley: Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it. What you looking for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child.
Ryan Howard: [outside] Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

"The Office: Sexual Harassment (#2.2)" (2005)
Ryan Howard: [sees Todd's License plate is "WLHUNG"] You a big William Hung fan?
Todd Packer: Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that?

"The Office: Fun Run (#4.1)" (2007)
Ryan Howard: [talking about Michael hitting Meredith with his car] Did this happen on company property?
Michael Scott: Yes. It was on company property with company property, so double jeopardy. We are fine.
Ryan Howard: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael Scott: Oh, right. I'm sorry. What is "We're fine"?

"The Office: Mrs. California (#8.9)" (2011)
Mrs. California: All right, well, it's really nice to meet you, Bryan.
Ryan Howard: Uh, it's actually Ryan.
Mrs. California: Oh, Ryan.
Ryan Howard: [later, while being interviewed] Bitch...

"The Office: The Merger (#3.8)" (2006)
Hannah Smotrich-Barr: [breastfeeding] Take a picture; it'll last longer.
Ryan Howard: I'm sorry, it's just... It's a little distracting.
Creed: [staring] Ditto that, my brother.

"The Office: Boys and Girls (#2.15)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: Michael wants us to bond, so we need topics for conversation.
Jim Halpert: Ponies.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Ryan Howard: How about rainbows?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Jim Halpert: Flowers?
Dwight Schrute: No!
Ryan Howard: Makeup?

"The Office: Broke (#5.23)" (2009)
Ryan Howard: Ever since I've gotten clean, there's something about fresh morning air that just really makes me sick.

"The Office: Ben Franklin (#3.14)" (2007)
[Michael is grilling steaks for Bob Vance's bachelor party]
Ryan Howard: Is it the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Michael Scott: No. Yes, but I got all the foot off of it.
Ryan Howard: Oh, gross.

"The Office: The Injury (#2.12)" (2006)
Michael Scott: Hey.
Ryan Howard: I found the pudding cups you wanted at a gas station in Carbondale!
Michael Scott: You did it. Look at you. And with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan.
Ryan Howard: You are very welcome.
Michael Scott: Did you get the yams?
Ryan Howard: No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. I'll just have the pudding.
Ryan Howard: You sure?
Michael Scott: [sighs] Yeah.

"The Office: Casino Night (#2.22)" (2006)
Ryan Howard: One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can.
Jim Halpert: So, that's still going on, huh? You and Kelly?

"The Office: Drug Testing (#2.20)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
Ryan Howard: I go to a lot of parties.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan Howard: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight Schrute: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan Howard: What's the hard way?
Dwight Schrute: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car and you will have to obey him.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, let's do it that way.

"The Office: The Dundies (#2.1)" (2005)
Ryan Howard: [in regards to Michael giving him the "Hottest in the Office"] What am I gonna do with the award? Nothing. I don't know what I'm gonna do. That's the least of my concerns right now.

"The Office: Trivia (#8.11)" (2012)
Ryan Howard: I can't not have my phone. I need to be with my phone.
[Leaves the table]