Jan Levinson
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Quotes for
Jan Levinson (Character)
from "The Office" (2005)

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"The Office: Dinner Party (#4.9)" (2008)
Jan Levinson: [after Michael says he wants a child] If you want to have kids, then fine, you win. Let's have a
Jan Levinson: kid!

Jan Levinson: You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath.
Jan Levinson: But I don't have to tell you, Pam.
Pam Beesly: [laughs] Oh, yeah... Wait, what?

Michael Scott: [arguing] Man, I would love to burn your candles!
Jan Levinson: You burn it, you buy it!
Michael Scott: Oh, good, I'll be your first customer!
Jan Levinson: You're hardly my first.
Michael Scott: That's what she said!
[Jan picks up one of Michael's Dundie awards and throws it at his $200 plasma screen TV]

Jan Levinson: Well, how about we do the short tour, and then I'll start dinner.
Pam Beesly: Oh, I can help starting dinner, if you need it.
Jan Levinson: Oh, no, no, no, it's just the Osso Buco, needs to braise for about three hours. Everything else is done.
Pam Beesly: Three hours from now, or three hours from earlier, like 4:00?
Jan Levinson: You know, Pam, in Spain, they often don't even start eating until midnight.
Michael Scott: When in Rome.

[as it comes to Michael's turn during their game]
Michael Scott: [loud clapping] All right, my
[clap clap clap]
Michael Scott: my
Michael Scott: my
Michael Scott: my turn! My
Michael Scott: my my my
Michael Scott: my turn!
Michael Scott: My my my my turn!
Jan Levinson: Babe, can you just, like, really...
Michael Scott: What?
Jan Levinson: You're just, like, really...
Michael Scott: [laughing] What? What?
Jan Levinson: Could you just simmer down? Seriously.
Michael Scott: I'm just making people laugh.
Jan Levinson: No.
Michael Scott: Yes, I was watching Jim's face.
Jan Levinson: I was watching Jim.
[Jim stares off with a blank expression]
Jan Levinson: And he was laughing. Look.
Jan Levinson: [turns to the camera] No smile.
Michael Scott: Look at him. He's laughing.

"The Office: Baby Shower (#5.3)" (2008)
Michael Scott: [whispering] Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life, and in the office, As...
Jan Levinson: -trid.
Michael Scott: -trid Levinson! Hi!
[holds Astrid up]
Michael Scott: Astrid, this is everybody. Look! This is your family!
[Kevin waves, Dwight smiles]
Michael Scott: You're going to know them for the rest of your life!
Jan Levinson: Well...
Michael Scott: Well, he may not be here.
[indicates Creed]
Michael Scott: Say hello! Okay, here we go. Lion King!
[lifts Astrid over his head]
Jan Levinson: Woah, Michael Michael MICHAEL!

Andy Bernard: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
[Angela rolls her eyes]
Jan Levinson: Well actually, I uh, I had a tub birth. That was really, really quite amazing.
Angela Martin: You gave birth in a *tub*?
Jan Levinson: Yeah, it's... it's a really nice transition from womb to, to world, you know? Kinda like a big womb...
Kelly Kapoor: Umm, so you're in the tub with... everything?
Jan Levinson: Oh yeah, the afterbirth floats. Yeah.
Creed Bratton: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Jan Levinson: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
Creed Bratton: [shakes his head] Ugh...
Stanley Hudson: I'm done.
[walks out]
Oscar Martinez: Me too.
[follows Stanley]

Jan Levinson: [wakes up on couch] Oh, I was just catching up on my sleep.
Holly Flax: I can imagine!
Jan Levinson: ...Where's Astrid?
Holly Flax: Oh, I think she's on a sales call.
Jan Levinson: On a what?
Holly Flax: [holds hand like a phone] "Wahhh, more paper! Wahhh!"
[giggles as Jan stares blankly]
Holly Flax: No, she's just uhh, on a coffee break.
Jan Levinson: [sarcastically] That's funny.
Holly Flax: ...She's with Angela.

"The Office: Boys and Girls (#2.15)" (2006)
Jan Levinson-Gould: There are always a million reasons not to do something.

Meredith: In five years, I'd like to be five years sober.
Jan Levinson-Gould: That is an excellent goal.
Meredith: Four and a half.

Jan Levinson-Gould: Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly, but many women ask to go over it, so, "fumble" means...
Phyllis: Mistake.
Meredith: Slip.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Right. "Par for the course" is a golf term. It means "right on track." "Below par" means "worse." Wait. That should mean better. That doesn't make sense.
Kelly Kapoor: What about "second base"? Like, if Michael said he got to second base with you, does that mean you, like, closed a deal?
Jan Levinson-Gould: Excuse me?
Kelly Kapoor: I mean, that's a baseball term, right?
Jan Levinson-Gould: I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know.
[Kelly turns to the camera and winks]

"The Office: The Job (#3.23)" (2007)
Jan Levinson: [being fired] So long, ass...

Jan Levinson: [barging into David's office] You son of a bitch.
David Wallace: Jan, this isn't the time. I'm in an interview.
Jan Levinson: You're firing me? Where the hell do you get off?
David Wallace: Frankly, it's overdue. Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic.
Jan Levinson: Erratic?
David Wallace: Recently you haven't even shown interest in your work! You smoke constantly in your office; you spend most of the day online shopping; you disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days, always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale; you go to Scranton far more often than you need to...
Jan Levinson: [takes off jacket, exposing cleavage] Is it because of these?
Michael Scott: [sulking outside of office] Whoa, hey, whoa, Jan...
Jan Levinson: I wanna know! I wanna know because if it is, then-then I will see you in court!
David Wallace: It's not. It's not.
Jan Levinson: [indicating Michael] 'Cause he likes them, okay? He likes them! A-and that is all I care about.
David Wallace: The time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company. You are clearly unstable.
Michael Scott: Hey, you're unstable.
[David glares at Michael]
Jan Levinson: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Nope. We're all unstable, so...
Jan Levinson: Okay, you know what, I'm just not leaving! I'm not leaving! I'm not leaving.
Michael Scott: David, I did not tell her.

"The Office: Money (#4.4)" (2007)
[last lines]
Michael Scott: Don't sell your implants, please.
Jan Levinson: I'm keeping them. I know you like them.

Jan Levinson-Gould: So, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight.
Michael Scott: Oh, actually I need the car.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Why? For improv? Why don't you just pretend that you have a car?

"The Office: The Negotiation (#3.18)" (2007)
Michael Scott: Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something: higher salaries. Win, win, win. But, you know, life is about more than just salary. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan...
Jan Levinson: [firmly] Michael.

Jan Levinson: What's wrong with you?
Michael Scott: I don't know. Was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.

"The Office: Health Care (#1.3)" (2005)
Jan Levinson-Gould: Sometimes a manager like yourself has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael Scott: When have you ever done that?
Jan Levinson-Gould: I'm doing it right now. To you.

Jan Levinson-Gould: [on phone] Dwight, listen to me very carefully: you are not a manager of anything. Understand?
Dwight Schrute: That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking a healthcare plan.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Really? Okay. When Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.
Dwight Schrute: Call you immediately, good. Hey, listen, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?
Jan Levinson-Gould: No.

"The Office: Cocktails (#3.17)" (2007)
[regarding her relationship with Michael]
Jan Levinson: Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh, my God, what am I saying?

"The Office: Gay Witch Hunt (#3.1)" (2006)
Michael Scott: [after getting in trouble for harassing Oscar for being gay] Look, I watch "The L Word," okay?
Jan Levinson: Good. Good.
Michael Scott: I watch "Queer as..."
Michael Scott: so...
Jan Levinson: That's not what it's called.

"The Office: The Deposition (#4.8)" (2007)
Jan Levinson: Remember, it's not just a pattern; it's a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behaviors.
Michael Scott: Dis ray. My friend Dis Ray got new specs. Dis ray spect. My friend Inappro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.
Jan Levinson: ...Does this work for you?

"The Office: The Convention (#3.2)" (2006)
Jan Levinson: Well, Michael, I just... I underestimated you.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me.

"The Office: Sex Ed (#7.4)" (2010)
Astrid Levinson: [runs into office] Mommy!
Jan Levinson: [picks her up] Assie! Oh,
[starts singing]
Jan Levinson: how was school?
Astrid Levinson: It was cool!
Jan Levinson: [singing] What did you learn?
Astrid Levinson: What did I learn?
Jan Levinson: [singing] You might've learned shapes or blocks or clocks or colors, or you might've learned that we're all sisters and brothers!
Michael Scott: [smiles] I have herpes!
Jan Levinson: Wha- you... h...