Quotes for
Jan Levinson (Character)
from "The Office" (2005)

"The Office: Dinner Party (#4.9)" (2008)

Jan Levinson: [after Michael says he wants a child] If you want to have kids, then fine, you win. Let's have a
[bleep]
Jan Levinson: kid!

Jan Levinson: You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath.
[laughs]
Jan Levinson: But I don't have to tell you, Pam.
Pam Beesly: [laughs] Oh, yeah... Wait, what?

Michael Scott: [arguing] Man, I would love to burn your candles!
Jan Levinson: You burn it, you buy it!
Michael Scott: Oh, good, I'll be your first customer!
Jan Levinson: You're hardly my first.
Michael Scott: That's what she said!
[Jan picks up one of Michael's Dundie awards and throws it at his $200 plasma screen TV]

Jan Levinson: Well, how about we do the short tour, and then I'll start dinner.
Pam Beesly: Oh, I can help starting dinner, if you need it.
Jan Levinson: Oh, no, no, no, it's just the Osso Buco, needs to braise for about three hours. Everything else is done.
Pam Beesly: Three hours from now, or three hours from earlier, like 4:00?
Jan Levinson: You know, Pam, in Spain, they often don't even start eating until midnight.
Michael Scott: When in Rome.

[as it comes to Michael's turn during their game]
Michael Scott: [clapping] All right, my... my... my... my turn! My... my... my... my turn! My... my... my... my turn!
Jan Levinson: Babe, can you just, like, really...
Michael Scott: What?
Jan Levinson: You're just, like, really...
Michael Scott: [laughing] What? What?
Jan Levinson: Could you just simmer down? Seriously.
Michael Scott: I'm just making people laugh.
Jan Levinson: No.
Michael Scott: Yes, I was watching Jim's face.
Jan Levinson: I was watching Jim.
[Jim stares off with a blank expression]
Jan Levinson: And he was laughing. Look.
Jan Levinson: [turns to the camera] No smile.
Michael Scott: Look at him. He's laughing.

---

"The Office: Boys and Girls (#2.15)" (2006)

Jan Levinson-Gould: There are always a million reasons not to do something.

Meredith: In five years, I'd like to be five years sober.
Jan Levinson-Gould: That is an excellent goal.
Meredith: Four and a half!

Jan Levinson-Gould: Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly, but many women ask to go over it. So, fumble means...
Phyllis: Mistake.
Meredith: Slip.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Right. Par for the course is a golf term. It means right on track. Uh, below par means worse. Wait, that should mean better. That doesn't make sense.
Kelly Kapoor: What about second base? Like, if Michael said he got to second base with you? Does that mean you, like, closed a deal?
Jan Levinson-Gould: Excuse me?
Kelly Kapoor: I mean, that's a baseball term, right?
Jan Levinson-Gould: I don't know what... Michael was... talking about, I don't know.
Kelly Kapoor: [turns to the camera and winks]

---

"The Office: Money (#4.4)" (2007)

[last lines]
Michael Scott: Don't sell your implants, please.
Jan Levinson: I'm keeping them. I know you like them.

Jan Levinson-Gould: So, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight.
Michael Scott: Oh, actually I need the car.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Why? For improv? Why don't you just pretend that you have a car?

---

"The Office: The Negotiation (#3.18)" (2007)

Michael Scott: Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something: higher salaries. Win, win, win. But, you know, life is about more than just salary. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan...
Jan Levinson: [firmly] Michael.

Jan Levinson-Gould: What's wrong with you?
Michael Scott: I don't know. Was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.

---

"The Office: Health Care (#1.3)" (2005)

Jan Levinson-Gould: Sometimes a manager like yourself has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael Scott: When have you ever done that?
Jan Levinson-Gould: I'm doing it right now. To you.

Jan Levinson-Gould: [on phone] Dwight, listen to me very carefully: you are not a manager of anything. Understand?
Dwight Schrute: That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking a healthcare plan.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Really? Okay. When Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.
Dwight Schrute: Call you immediately, good. Hey, listen, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?
Jan Levinson-Gould: No.

---

"The Office: The Job (#3.23)" (2007)

Jan Levinson-Gould: [being fired] So long, ass...
[bleep]

---

"The Office: Cocktails (#3.17)" (2007)

[regarding her relationship with Michael]
Jan Levinson: Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh, my God, what am I saying?

---

"The Office: Gay Witch Hunt (#3.1)" (2006)

Michael Scott: [after getting in trouble for harassing Oscar for being gay] Look, I watch "The L Word," okay?
Jan Levinson: Good. Good.
Michael Scott: I watch "Queer as..."
[bleep]
Michael Scott: so...
Jan Levinson: That's not what it's called.

---

"The Office: The Convention (#3.2)" (2006)

Jan Levinson: I admit it, I underestimated you.
Michael Scott: Well, Jan, maybe next time you'll... estimate me.

---

"The Office: Sexual Harassment (#2.2)" (2005)

Michael Scott: Attention everyone. Hello? Ah, yes. I just want you to know that, ah - this is not my decision - but from here on out we can NO longer be friends. Aaaand when we talk about things here, we must only discuss, uh, 'work-associated' things. And, ah, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And, in the future, if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression, I will no longer... EVER... do... any of those things.
Jim Halpert: Does that include 'that's what she said'?
Michael Scott: Mmm-hmm, yes.
Jim Halpert: Wow, that is really... hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...
Michael Scott: ...THAT'S what she said. Hahahahaha.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Michael... Michael. Please... please...
Michael Scott: Hahahahaha.

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