Dwight Schrute
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Quotes for
Dwight Schrute (Character)
from "The Office" (2005)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Office: Money (#4.4)" (2007)
Dwight Schrute: My girlfriend and I broke up recently, and I must say I am relieved. It gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his doorstep by his parents. You can use those oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care. They're your oats.

Dwight Schrute: We have three rooms, each with a different theme.
Pam Beesly: What are the themes?
Dwight Schrute: America, Irrigation and Nighttime.

Dwight Schrute: Now then, do you have any special needs or dietary restrictions?
Jim Halpert: Yes. We will be requiring a bedtime story.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Jim Halpert: Not even "Harry Potter"?
Dwight Schrute: No, Jim, come on.

Jim Halpert: I just realized that this is Pam's and my first night away together. I used to play it over in my head, and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a nice hotel, or a romantic dinner, wine, but wine that wasn't made out of beets. Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all. And I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure, just less.
Dwight Schrute: This is beet food. Mose, what are you doing? No, Mose. Put the manure down. Put it down! Do not throw it! Do not... Ow!

Dwight Schrute: Come in. Did you have another nightmare?
Jim Halpert: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose.
Jim Halpert: Does Mose have nightmares?
Dwight Schrute: [ominously] Oh, yes. Ever since the storm.

Dwight Schrute: Is everything satisfactory with your stay?
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: All right.
Jim Halpert: I just thought I heard crying or moaning or something in here.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, well, I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.
Jim Halpert: Good night, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute: And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here at Shrute Farms, but as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get all that power back on.

[deleted scene]
Dwight Schrute: State your business!
Andy Bernard: I am dying of love sickness and horny sickness.
Dwight Schrute: That isn't possible, unless you mean gonorrhea.
Andy Bernard: I'm talking about Angela, okay? Did you hear what she was saying to Pam the other day?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, I did, except I don't think she means it. Angela is in a great deal of pain because of the death of her cat and she is in a kind of grieving process and it makes her say things. So, best you just lay off.
Andy Bernard: No can do. I am itching all over with Angela-pox.
Jim Halpert: Oh, my God. You do have gonorrhea.

Jim Halpert: Dwight, how's the hotel business?
Dwight Schrute: Stupid.
Jim Halpert: Have you checked Trip Advisor recently?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Jim Halpert: Maybe you should.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe you should... Whatever.
[talking head]
Pam Beesly: We wrote a good review. Under "Comments," we wrote, "The natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedrooms and makes you dream of simpler times."
Jim Halpert: "The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings."
Pam Beesly: "Table-making never seemed so possible."
Jim Halpert: "You will never want to leave your room."
Pam Beesly: "The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm."

[Dwight moans in stairwell]
Jim Halpert: Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?
[Dwight mumbles]
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam.
Dwight Schrute: [mumbling] Beesley?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I mean, she was with Roy, and I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it, Dwight. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't concentrate on anything. And weird stuff, like food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. And it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And that includes you.
[Jim sighs and returns to the office]
Pam Beesley: Hey, I was thinking about dinner, we...
[Jim kisses Pam passionately, cutting her off]
Jim Halpert: Dinner. Let's see, maybe we should try the new Italian place where the dry cleaner used to be.
Pam Beesley: [a bit shocked, smiling] Okay.
Jim Halpert: Yeah?
Pam Beesley: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Pam Beesley: [in confessional] Jim's just really passionate about Italian food.
[smiles]
Jim Halpert: [smiling] Yeah. I'm very passionate about Italian food.
[Jim sits back down at his desk; Pam and Jim smiling at each other]
Jim Halpert: In fact, I'm in love with Italian food.

Dwight Schrute: [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin. Dwight Schrute. Please hold.
[he transfers the phone, and begins looking around in a file on his desk, then resumes his conversation]
Dwight Schrute: Schrute Farms, Guten Tag! How can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh, no. I'm sorry. No king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes.
[Jim, who has been staring confusedly at Dwight this whole time, hangs up his own phone]
Dwight Schrute: Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Auf Wiedersehen.
[hangs up]
Jim Halpert: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: None of your business, Jim.
Jim Halpert: You running a bed and breakfast?
Dwight Schrute: It is not a B&B.
Dwight Schrute: [later, to the camera] Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.
Jim Halpert: Does the Department of Health know about this?
Dwight Schrute: I am not telling you anything.
[to the camera]
Dwight Schrute: Permits are pending.
[his phone rings]
Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin.
Pam Beesly: Hello. I'm looking for a room.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. This is a misuse of company phones.
Pam Beesly: It says here you cater to the elderly.
Dwight Schrute: Where did you read that?
Pam Beesly: Trip Advisor.
Dwight Schrute: [to camera] Trip Advisor is the lifeblood of the agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you may as well close up shop. That's what took down the Stalk Inn, one of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.


"The Office: Health Care (#1.3)" (2005)
Dwight Schrute: All right, who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
Jim Halpert: What are you talking about?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, someone, uh, forged medical information, and that is a felony.
Jim Halpert: Okay, whoa, all right, 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, leprosy? Flesh-eating bacteria? Hot dog fingers. Government created killer nano robot infection.
[to Jim]
Dwight Schrute: You did this, didn't you?
Jim Halpert: Absolutely not.
Dwight Schrute: Yes you did.
Jim Halpert: No I didn't.
Dwight Schrute: I know it was you. Okay, fine, you know what? I'm going to have interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for anyone.
[Dwight slams door to his workspace]
Jim Halpert: [to Pam] Killer nano robots?
Pam Beesly: It's an epidemic.

Dwight Schrute: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. "Count Choculitis?"
Jim Halpert: Sounds tough.
Dwight Schrute: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

Dwight Schrute: What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone; I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no Health Care. In the wild, Health Care is: ow, I hurt my leg; I can't run; a lion eats me, and I'm dead. Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam Beesly: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.

Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that is a felony.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Whoa, all right, 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, "Leprosy. Flesh-eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection."

Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Dwight Schrute: Okay. First, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael Scott: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.

Dwight Schrute: Please knock. This is an office.
Jim Halpert: It
[pointing to sign]
Jim Halpert: says "workspace."
Dwight Schrute: Same thing.
Jim Halpert: If it's the same thing, then why'd you write "workspace"?

Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam Beesley: Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.

Jan Levinson-Gould: [on phone] Dwight, listen to me very carefully: you are not a manager of anything. Understand?
Dwight Schrute: That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking a healthcare plan.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Really? Okay. When Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.
Dwight Schrute: Call you immediately, good. Hey, listen, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?
Jan Levinson-Gould: No.

Dwight Schrute: Number one: Inverted penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight Schrute: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.


"The Office: Launch Party (#4.3)" (2007)
Michael Scott: I kidnapped a kid.
Dwight Schrute: You had to. What other choice did you have?
Michael Scott: I could have paid for the pizza.
Dwight Schrute: Well, yeah.

Andy Bernard: [about Angela] I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right?
Dwight Schrute: I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with.
Andy Bernard: Isn't that part of the fun?
Dwight Schrute: No. I think you should date Kelly.
Andy Bernard: She works here, too. How is that any different?
Dwight Schrute: She works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby.

Dwight Schrute: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.
Angela Martin: Waste of time.
Michael Scott: What's that, pipsqueak?
Angela Martin: Waste of time. The website's going to win.
Dwight Schrute: You believe a computer can beat me?
Angela Martin: I don't care, but yes.
Dwight Schrute: Well, I will prove you wrong.
Angela Martin: I don't care, and you won't.
Dwight Schrute: You'll see.
Angela Martin: I won't be watching, and I won't.

Andy Bernard: And then I will say something positive like "Kudos," or "Job well done."
Jim Halpert: Or, "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!"
Andy Bernard: I can't tell if he's mocking me.
Dwight Schrute: Just ignore him.
Andy Bernard: I can't do that. It's really hard for me to let things go.
Jim Halpert: I was mocking.
Andy Bernard: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.
Andy Bernard: Yes! Like a chime or a bell.
Jim Halpert: Or a gong.

Dwight Schrute: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me, but I never intended to use to them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir, maybe use them.

Dwight Schrute: I've seen this kid before. He's one of the kids that sneaks onto my farm and steals my hemp.
Delivery Kid: Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.

Michael Scott: There's only one place to get authentic New York-style sushi.
Dwight Schrute: Tokyo?

[Dwight suspects the new website has become self-aware through instant messages Pam is sending]
Dwight Schrute: [typing] How do I know this isn't Jim?
Pam Beesly: [typing] What is a Jim?

[after getting instant messages from "the website"]
Dwight Schrute: It appears that website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please, that computer should be scared of me. I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.

Dwight Schrute: [Irate that Kelly is buying from the computer that he is competing with] What're you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts!
Kelly Kapoor: But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says 'Thanks for shopping at Dunder Mifflin!'
Dwight Schrute: Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!
Darryl Philbin: Who knows?
Dwight Schrute: [Snatches ream of paper from Darryl and yells at Kelly] Return it! Return it now!
Darryl Philbin: [Snatches the ream back] Hey! How 'bout stop yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over 500 sheets of paper and you get back to your desk. Start selling multiple reams, like a man?
Dwight Schrute: Y-you don't understand. Okay, if this makes the difference
[points at the ream of paper]
Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna tell It that YOU were responsible.
Darryl Philbin: [with a threatening voice] Who's "It"?


"The Office: Branch Wars (#4.6)" (2007)
Dwight Schrute: The eyes are the groin of the head.

Dwight Schrute: And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guard in the eye with a jumbo chalk.
Jim Halpert: No. No, you won't do that. Nope.
Dwight Schrute: Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, nothing with the eyes. Please?

[Jim, Michael and Dwight are in the car driving to Utica, Jim and Michael hear a strange noise]
Michael Scott: What is that?
[looks around]
Michael Scott: Dwight, are you peeing?
Dwight Schrute: I'm peeing in this empty can.
Jim Halpert: Oh, my God.
Michael Scott: Oh, come on, man. That is disgusting, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: You said we couldn't make any more stops. I really had to go.
Michael Scott: Oh, God!
Jim Halpert: Michael, watch the road!
Dwight Schrute: Hey, you're making me spray!
Michael Scott: I'm going to kill you, man!
Jim Halpert: Michael, Michael, pull over!
Michael Scott: That is just so disgusting.
Dwight Schrute: I think I cut my penis on the lid.

Michael Scott: [over the walkie-talkie] We are in the stairwell.
Dwight Schrute: We are climbing some stairs. I am breathing heavily.
Jim Halpert: Okay, you know what? You really don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.

Jim Halpert: [in the car, talking to Dwight and Michael over the walkie talkie, he sees Karen nearby] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Karen's back.
Dwight Schrute: Is it Karen?
Michael Scott: Take her to a motel. Make love to her, Jim.
Jim Halpert: No. I'm not doing that.
Michael Scott: Just say you want to get back together.
Jim Halpert: No. I'm not doing that.
Michael Scott: It doesn't have to mean anything. Just do it for Stanley. Come on, Jim. Just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Oh, God.
[groaning]

Dwight Schrute, Michael Scott: [chanting] Utica! Utica! Utica!

[Michael and Dwight updating Jim over the walkie-talkie]
Michael Scott: There's a guy. There's a guy.
Dwight Schrute: There's a security guard coming by. Hello. We're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?
[Jim looks at the camera]
Security Guard: Okay.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God. That was very close.
Dwight Schrute: I can see the security guard's eyes.
Jim Halpert: No. No. Don't do anything to them.
Dwight Schrute: I have to do something to his eyes.

[Jim talking to Michael and Dwight over the walkie-talkie]
Jim Halpert: All right, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home.
Michael Scott: [over walkie] We've got something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier.
Jim Halpert: Isn't that thing huge?
Dwight Schrute: It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running.
Jim Halpert: No. That is a terrible idea. Don't do this.
[Michael screams over the walkie as there is loud crashing heard, too]
Michael Scott: [groaning] My hip bone! We're wedged between the copier and the railing! I'm stuck. Oh, my left hip!
Dwight Schrute: Leave us, Jim! Leave us. Save yourself.
Michael Scott: Help us. No! Don't leave us. We need help, Jim!
Jim Halpert: Okay, first of all, stop using my name. And second of all...
Michael Scott: You've got to move out!
Jim Halpert: Damn it, guys!
Michael Scott: [to Dwight] Would you move over just a little bit?
Dwight Schrute: I'm losing control of my bladder!

[Jim, Karen, Rolando, and a security guard stand in the stairwell as Michael and Dwight are wedged in between the wall and the copier]
Security Guard: They sprayed me in the eye.
Dwight Schrute: [groaning] Scranton rules!
[Dwight sprays more Silly String off]
Michael Scott: Stop! Stop it! Can you help me, please? I'm being crushed.
[Jim looks at the camera]


"The Office: Drug Testing (#2.20)" (2006)
Jim Halpert: [referring to Dwight's Volunteer Sheriff's uniform] You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks, girl.

Dwight Schrute: [thinking Oscar has once been a potential drug mule] Have you ever pooped a balloon?
Oscar: Okay, I'm done with this.
[OScar exits]
Dwight Schrute: [to the camera] He sure left in a hurry.

Jim Halpert: I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight Schrute: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim Halpert: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight Schrute: I would remember.
Jim Halpert: [pretending to be serious] Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?
Dwight Schrute: That's not how it works.
Jim Halpert: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight Schrute: Knock it off, okay? I'm interviewing you.
Jim Halpert: No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?

[showing Creed the picture of a pile of marijuana]
Creed: That is Northern Lights, Cannabis indica.
Dwight Schrute: [disappointed] No. It's marijuana.

Kelly Kapoor: And the guys are saying, "Chug! Chug! Chug!" But I'm so small and all I had eaten that day was one of those Auntie Em pretzels from the food court. So I said, "Is it okay if I sip it?" And they said, "No." But Ryan seemed cool either way...
Dwight Schrute: Stop! This is not "Kelly Kapoor's Story Hour." Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is on the line! Now, I'm gonna ask you again, what time did you go home last night?
Kelly Kapoor: 6:00.

Dwight Schrute: I want him to have all the urine he needs.

Dwight Schrute: I like the people I work with, generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime, and I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.

Dwight Schrute: I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
Ryan Howard: I go to a lot of parties.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan Howard: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight Schrute: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan Howard: What's the hard way?
Dwight Schrute: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car and you will have to obey him.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, let's do it that way.


"The Office: Safety Training (#3.19)" (2007)
[Michael is on the roof and Dwight is below with a bullhorn]
Michael Scott: My life! Oh, my life!
Dwight Schrute: Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!
Dwight Schrute: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling "bummed out"?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut! Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
Dwight Schrute: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael Scott: Yes.

Dwight Schrute: Hey! Guys, listen up, Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.
Andy Bernard: Whoa! What's the situation?
Dwight Schrute: Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy Bernard: Okay, when's the shunning thing going to end?
Dwight Schrute: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him *die*.
Stanley Hudson: Is it nice outside?
Dwight Schrute: It's gorgeous. Let's go!
Stanley Hudson: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight Schrute: No, it really is. It's very nice. Come on!
Ryan Howard: Will I be too warm in a long-sleeve tee?
Dwight Schrute: Everyone's going to be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!

Michael Scott: [comparing the warehouses's safety training to theirs] They used props, they used visual aids and they just made us look like dopes.
Dwight Schrute: Idiots! God what are we going to *do*?
Michael Scott: I don't know. I don't know. Because you know what our killer is?
Michael Scott: [simultaneously] Depression.
Dwight Schrute: [simultaneously] Wolves.
Michael Scott: [pause] Depression.
Dwight Schrute: Visual aids?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: A quilt. A depression quilt?

Michael Scott: [after bouncing a watermelon onto a car by accident] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Deactivate the car alarm, clean up the mess.
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Michael Scott: Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.

Dwight Schrute: [about Michael jumping off the roof onto a bouncy castle] When you land, try and land like an eight-year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.

Dwight Schrute: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Jim Halpert: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and that he could use a hug.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Tell him that that's not true.
Jim Halpert: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, no, Jim.
Andy Bernard: [chuckles] You guys.
Dwight Schrute: Tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim, tell him!
[Andy walks away to his desk]
Jim Halpert: Andy... No, it's too far.
Dwight Schrute: [pause] Damn you.

Dwight Schrute: Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence.
Dwight Schrute: I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.


"The Office: The Alliance (#1.4)" (2005)
Jim Halpert: At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.
Dwight Schrute: [next scene] Did you get your tickets?
Jim Halpert: To what?
Dwight Schrute: The gun show.
[lifts up his sleeve and kisses his arm]
Jim Halpert: [back to interview] And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him but only in ways that would get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says, "No, Jim, here's a way."

Jim Halpert: You are not going to believe this.
Dwight Schrute: What? I believe it.
Jim Halpert: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
Dwight Schrute: I could tell from the body language.
Jim Halpert: [in the kitchen] That looks good. What is it? Turkey?
Kevin: Italian.
Jim Halpert: Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion. Provolone...
Kevin: Yeah.
[back outside]
Jim Halpert: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
Dwight Schrute: Good. Let 'em. That's fine. It helps our cause.
Jim Halpert: Well, I don't know, because if Kevin's in Accounting and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...
Dwight Schrute: They're forming an alliance.
Toby: [back in kitchen] I love their sandwiches.
Jim Halpert: I love their sandwiches too.
Kevin: Their bread's really good.
Jim Halpert: Their bread is very good.
Dwight Schrute: [back outside] Damn it. God. Gah!
[kicks car and car alarm sounds]
Jim Halpert: Okay, listen. We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight Schrute: God damn it! Why us?
Jim Halpert: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong!

Dwight Schrute: So, what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?

Dwight Schrute: I'm a deer hunter, I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer? They have very good vision. One thing about me? I'm better at hiding than they are at vision.

Dwight Schrute: Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.

Michael Scott: I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Dwight Schrute: She had a hysterectomy.
Michael Scott: Which one is that again?
Dwight Schrute: That's when they remove the uterus.
Michael Scott: Oh, God! Dwight, no.

Dwight Schrute: It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information is passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos, which puts me at a disadvantage because...
[picks up water bottle]
Dwight Schrute: I bring my own water to work.


"The Office: Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager (#7.23)" (2011)
[as Jim, Dwight, and a small group decide what to get Deangelo in the hospital]
Jim Halpert: All in favor of the baskets full of chocolates, teddy bears, and ballons.
[Everyone but Dwight raises their hands]
Dwight Schrute: Wait, wait. All in favor of the knapsack filled with canned goods, chainsaw, gasoline and emergency radio in case he wakes up post-apocalypse.
[Dwight raises his hand, as Jim jokingly looks around the group to see if anyone else did. No one else raises their hands]
Jim Halpert: Nope. Baskets have it.

[in regards to Jo coming in to talk with Dwight as acting manager]
Dwight Schrute: So I expect you to be on your best behavior, which means none of you will be insubordinate, nor will you foment insurrection.
Jim Halpert: Question. If we've already fomented insurrection, may we be grandfathered in?
Dwight Schrute: Define "foment."
Jim Halpert: You define "foment."

[Dwight walks into the kitchen as Jim puts up a paper that says "Join The Fist" with a picture of a clenched fist]
Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing? What's this? What's The Fist?
Jim Halpert: It's just a social club. Like the French Revolution or The Black Panthers or communism. It's just a club. Guys talking.
Dwight Schrute: You expect me to believe that you're starting a rebellion?
Jim Halpert: Nope, social club. God, I hate when everybody calls us a rebellion.
[Darryl walks into the kitchen. Jim puts his fist up and Darryl does it back]
Dwight Schrute: Okay, you know what? I would love to join The Fist.
Jim Halpert: And we would love to have you, but not today. Unfortunately, it's a bad day, what with Operation Overthrow and everything.

[Dwight is talking to Jim in Dwight's office]
Dwight Schrute: Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me you'll be on your best behavior.
Jim Halpert: I *promised* other people that I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave them my word, so...
Dwight Schrute: Don't make me fire you.
Jim Halpert: You can't fire me. You're acting manager, not office manager, so you have no firing powers.
Dwight Schrute: Don't make me pre-fire you.
Jim Halpert: [serious tone] You wouldn't dare.
Dwight Schrute: Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when I'm promoted, you'll be full-fired.
[Jim stands up and talks softly]
Jim Halpert: If you get promoted. And if you haven't fallen in love with me by then.
Dwight Schrute: [shocked] What?

[Dwight comes in the conference room in a cowboy costume after shooting off a gun in the office]
Dwight Schrute: Yee-haw! Woo-hoo!
[Dwight imitates a six-gun firing in the air]
Dwight Schrute: [in Wild West accent] Howdy, partners. It's me, Gun Safety Dwight. And I'm the rootin'-est...
[Stops, takes off his cowboy hat and speaks normally]
Dwight Schrute: I can't do this. Um, look, obviously a gun went off under my watch and I'm launching a full investigation.
Stanley Hudson: We all saw you do it.

Toby Flenderson: I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this?
[everyone in the conference room raises their hand]
Dwight Schrute: Okay, really?
Toby Flenderson: Would you consider this a terrorist incident?
Ryan Howard: I felt terrorized.
Dwight Schrute: Come on.
Toby Flenderson: Oh! There's a whole other terrorism booklet for that.
Dwight Schrute: I just really, really think that we should handle this internally.
Ryan Howard: Dwight, why is it on us to protect you?
Dwight Schrute: Because you guys are my best friends. And I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground.
[everyone has a shocked expression]
Dwight Schrute: And I mean that figuratively, not literally. Because you guys are so, so important to me. I love you guys, but don't cross me, but you're the best.

[Deleted scene. Jordan reads back to Dwight the list on what everyone is "secretly up to," which Jim secretly wrote]
Jordan Garfield: Toby got bitten by a spider, but he seems stronger than ever.
Dwight Schrute: Keep tabs on that.
Jordan Garfield: Phyllis was selling a bunch of beet futures.
Dwight Schrute: Did she say why?
Jordan Garfield: No. Oscar was on some geological Web site, checking into the seismic pressure under the building, which had increased to 39.5.
Dwight Schrute: 39.5?
[Dwight stands up]
Jordan Garfield: Is that a problem?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, gee, I don't know, is a mega-volcano a problem? God, this day!


"The Office: The Job (#3.23)" (2007)
Dwight Schrute: What is the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Dwight Schrute: I am going to be your new boss.
[chuckles]
Dwight Schrute: It is my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Checkout time is never.
Jim Halpert: Does my room have cable?
Dwight Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim Halpert: Can I change rooms?
Dwight Schrute: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim Halpert: Can I have a late checkout?
Dwight Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim Halpert: You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?
Dwight Schrute: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!
Jim Halpert: Okay. Just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy, you are in Hell, and you are co-running a bed-and-breakfast with the Devil.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert: Go.
Dwight Schrute: $80,000 a year.

Michael Scott: Why is my office black?
Dwight Schrute: To intimidate my subordinates.
Michael Scott: That's stupid.

Pam Beesly: So you would be the regional manager and the assistant regional manager, Andy is your number two. I would be the secret assistant regional manager.
Dwight Schrute: Mmm, let's call it secret assistant to the regional manager.
Pam Beesly: Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute: Do you accept?
Pam Beesly: Absolutely I do.

Dwight Schrute: Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.

Dwight Schrute: Although, publicly, I am going to retain the assistant regional manager position.
Pam Beesly: You will be your own assistant.
Dwight Schrute: Correct. I need someone I can trust.


"The Office: Frame Toby (#5.8)" (2008)
Dwight Schrute: Okay, let's get this started.
[stands up and loosens tie]
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: I am the bait.
[takes off his glasses]
Michael Scott: For what?
Dwight Schrute: Men find me desirable.
Michael Scott: No, no, no.
Dwight Schrute: It's a good day, too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt.
Michael Scott: You're the bait for Toby? No. For one thing, he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait, it would be Jim or Ryan or me.
Dwight Schrute: Men find me desirable.
Michael Scott: Yes. Sure they do, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute: There's still one thing we can do to get Toby fired.
Michael Scott: What's that?
[Dwight closes the office door]
Dwight Schrute: Frame him for using drugs.
Michael Scott: Frame him?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. It's illegal, but, everything they do on "The Shield" is illegal.

Michael Scott: I've never framed a man before. Have you?
Dwight Schrute: No, I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.

Dwight Schrute: I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.

[last lines]
Dwight Schrute: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Dwight Schrute: Brownies, is it?
[scoffs]
Dwight Schrute: Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No, thank you. I'll stick with my jerky.
Jim Halpert: So why'd you come in here?
Dwight Schrute: To socialize. And inform.


"The Office: Office Olympics (#2.3)" (2005)
[Michael is driving himself and Dwight back from an attempt at buying a new condo]
Dwight Schrute: You know, you can always refinance your mortgage. We
[he and his cousin]
Dwight Schrute: had a 15-year on our beet farm, we paid it off early.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.
Dwight Schrute: People love beets.
Michael Scott: Nobody likes beets.
Dwight Schrute: Everyone loves beets.
Michael Scott: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet.

Carol Stills: [regarding the new condo Michael is buying] It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood.
Michael Scott: [unsure] Oh, good. That's good. It's good to be accomodating of that.
Dwight Schrute: Let's go check out the master bedroom.

Dwight Schrute: A 30-year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. Now, if I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls
[double bass playing in background through the wall]
Dwight Schrute: so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

Dwight Schrute: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm.
[pauses]
Dwight Schrute: Sometimes teenages use it for sex.

Dwight Schrute: Hey, I have an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live.

Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. Why, we're like one of those classic, famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.


"The Office: Casino Night (#2.22)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: [In response to Jim's claims of childhood telekinesis] I don't believe you. Continue.

Dwight Schrute: I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back. Two dates. He's got two dates tonight. My job is keep Jan away from Carol and vice versa. Michael said, "We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them."

Jim Halpert: Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two?
Dwight Schrute: I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years.
Pam Beesley: It's a nice tux.
Dwight Schrute: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom.

Michael Scott: Why are you here?
Dwight Schrute: When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection.
Michael Scott: Not. I said, not that.

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently, it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim Halpert: Nope. I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: That's a dog.
Pam Beesley: No, that's Afghan.
Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael Scott: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.


"The Office: Diversity Day (#1.2)" (2005)
Mr. Brown: Now this is a simple acronym: H.E.R.O. At Diversity, we believe it's very easy to be a hero. All you need are: Honesty, Empathy, Respect, and Open-mindedness.
Dwight Schrute: Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Okay well, what is a hero to you?
Dwight Schrute: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, and must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Uh, okay, you're thinking of a superhero.

[during a "Diversity Day" exercise]
Dwight Schrute: Shalom, I'd like to apply for a loan.
Pam Beesley: That's nice, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.
Pam Beesley: OK, I like your food.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, Outback Steakhouse, I'm Australian, mate!
Michael Scott: Pam, come on, "I like your food," no, come on, stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it, let's get ugly, let's get real.
Pam Beesley: OK, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight Schrute: [shocked] Aw man, am I a woman?

Pam Beesley: [during a Diversity Day excerise, Dwight has been appointed Chinese without knowing what race he has been assigned] Based on stereotypes that are completely untrue, you may be a bad driver.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, man! Am I a woman?

Pam Beesley: Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are completely untrue, and that I do not agree with, you would maybe... not be... a very good driver.
Dwight Schrute: Aw, man, am I a woman?

Dwight Schrute: [Diversity Day exercise; Dwight has a card on his head that says "Asian"] "Lots of cultures eat rice" doesn't help me.


"The Office: Women's Appreciation (#3.21)" (2007)
Dwight Schrute: I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

Michael Scott: My point is... A penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.
Dwight Schrute: "Alien."
[makes monster noise]

Dwight Schrute: This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras, as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know what you're thinking: Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam, you can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community?
Pam Beesley: Phallus?
Dwight Schrute: Phyllis. Sorry. I've got penises on the brain.

Jim Halpert: [after he's been given a demerit] Like, what does a demerit mean?
Dwight Schrute: Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Jim Halpert: Lay it on me.
Dwight Schrute: Three demerits, and you'll receive a citation.
Jim Halpert: Now, that sounds serious.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, it is serious. Five citations, and you're looking at a violation. Four of those, and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that will land you in a world of hurt, in the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me, and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim Halpert: Which would be me.
Dwight Schrute: That is correct.
Jim Halpert: Okay. I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full dessaggelation.
Dwight Schrute: What's a dis... What's that?
Jim Halpert: Oh, you don't want to know.

Karen Filippelli: Hey, did you guys see this memo that Dwight sent out? "Women will be sent home if they wear makeup or heels exceeding one-quarter inch. Females are not allowed to speak to strangers unless given written authorization by Dwight Schrute." This is ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute: Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen.
Karen Filippelli: Dwight, this memo that you distributed is insulting.
Dwight Schrute: Desperate times call for desperate measures.


"The Office: Fun Run (#4.1)" (2007)
Dwight Schrute: [about Angela's cat, Sprinkles] Well, you left the TV on... and your cat is dead.

Dwight Schrute: [trying to comfort Angela] Hey, come on, don't be sad. Just... Okay? Just... She's in a better place.
Angela Martin: [sobbing] All right.
Dwight Schrute: Actually, the place that she's in is the freezer because of the odor.

Dwight Schrute: Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy. But she did, or at least she got time off for one.
Intern: Ah. So that is where her uterus went.

Dwight Schrute: Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.

Dwight Schrute: Hey... Why did you do it?
Michael Scott: It was an *accident*.
Dwight Schrute: Was she talking back?
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight Schrute: Just got sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh... is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?
[Michael turns and glares at Dwight]


"The Office: A Benihana Christmas (#3.10)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: It appears we're one bathrobe short.
Michael Scott: Take it from Toby.

Dwight Schrute: Monkey, this is possum. Do you copy?
Angela: Copy, possum. What's your 20?

Dwight Schrute: It is my job to be there for Michael. How can I be there for Michael if I am here for Michael?

Dwight Schrute: Pam and Karen, I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning immediately.
Pam Beesley: You can't do that.
Dwight Schrute: As ranking number three in this office, I am order...
Andy: [grunts] I'm number three.
Dwight Schrute: You're number four.
Andy: Yeah, but I'm number three.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, no.
[to Pam]
Dwight Schrute: You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately. They will be returned to you on January 4th.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I think I can help here.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, good. They...
Jim Halpert: As ranking number two, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees, and I am the sole member of the committee. The committee act on this now.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, this is stupid.
Jim Halpert: Could you please keep it down? I'm in session.
[long pause]
Jim Halpert: I have determined that this committee is valid.
Dwight Schrute: What? No! No! Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
[thinks about it]
Dwight Schrute: Permission to join the Validity Committee.
Jim Halpert: Permission denied.
Dwight Schrute: Damn it.

Jim Halpert: What do we have here?
Dwight Schrute: What does it look like?
Jim Halpert: Dead goose.
Dwight Schrute: And circle gets the square.


"The Office: Ben Franklin (#3.14)" (2007)
Jim Halpert: [watching the stripper arrive in her car] Have you ever seen a stripper before?
Dwight Schrute: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on "Alias." It was one of her many aliases.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, me neither.
Elizabeth the Stripper: [walks over to them] Hey. I'm Elizabeth. I'm the dancer that was requested.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. I specifically ordered a stripper.
Elizabeth the Stripper: I'm the stripper.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, okay. Good. Well, in the future, please identify yourself as such. Okay.
Jim Halpert: [reads a text he just got from Michael on his phone] Oh, God.
Dwight Schrute: [reads the text aloud] "Is she hot?"
[looks at her]
Dwight Schrute: Text back, "Kind of."

Michael Scott: Guys! Beef, it's what's for dinner. Who wants some man meat?
Dwight Schrute: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim Halpert: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.

Dwight Schrute: I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I'm 99% sure.

Dwight Schrute: [ordering a stripper over the phone] Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles. No tats. No, *tats*. Of course, I want...
Jim Halpert: [interrupts] Stop. That's disgusting.

Michael Scott: [to the camera while he's making a film for his future son] And remember, no matter what, I will always love you.
Dwight Schrute: What if he's a murderer?
Michael Scott: He's not going to be a murderer.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe that's how you die?


"The Office: Stress Relief (#5.13)" (2009)
Michael Scott: Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed.
David Wallace: No, we are mad.
Michael Scott: Yes, we are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you.
David Wallace: No, we're not.
Michael Scott: I am not a mind reader, David.

Dwight Schrute: [unfolds a letter from his jacket and reads from it] I state my regret.
Jim Halpert: You couldn't have memorized that?

Dwight Schrute: It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess, he's either deeply depressed or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say, "Michael, take two steps back and stare at the icicle from the side." And he's like, "No, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them." It was only a matter of time.

Dwight Schrute: Attention, everyone, I just got a text from Michael. He says "personnel day." Are we hiring?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. You're being replaced.


"The Office: Broke (#5.23)" (2009)
Dwight Schrute: I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor.
[David sighs]
Jim Halpert: Really? Does he do good work or...
Dwight Schrute: [scoffs] No, Jim, I use a bad apiarist.

[over David, Jim, and Charles deliberating]
Dwight Schrute: Hey, let me float something out there, okay? Can I just say... Can I say something? There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe, and put that in his bathroom.

Dwight Schrute: Oh, man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure.
Charles Miner: [sighing] What is wrong with you?

[telling Jim a case he's solved]
Dwight Schrute: Okay, one, Case of the Beet Bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm, no footprints. Inside job, Mose in socks. Boom, case closed.


"The Office: The Negotiation (#3.18)" (2007)
Dwight Schrute: No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.

Dwight Schrute: I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro from "Heroes." That's a hero. Also Bono.

Dwight Schrute: Every day for eight years, I've brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And every day, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?

Dwight Schrute: When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?


"The Office: Performance Review (#2.8)" (2005)
Michael Scott: [reading from the suggestion box] "You need to do something about your B.O."
Dwight Schrute: [repeating to staff] "You need to do something about your B.O."
Michael Scott: Okay. Now, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion. And not an office suggestion. Far be it from me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody.
Toby: Aren't the suggestions meant for you?
Michael Scott: Well, Toby, if by me, you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that that is a very poor choice of words.
Creed: Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.
Michael Scott: Was I, Creed? Okay, well, you know what I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs. Beause talk about stank. Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will. I just think it's something that we should be aware of, okay? Now that we've learned this, let's continue. See, this is good. We're learning and we're figuring some stuff out.

Dwight Schrute: And I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday, and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go on Monday. Stupid.
Jim Halpert: Wait, wait, one thing. By tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right?
Dwight Schrute: Duh!
Jim Halpert: [to the camera] Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.

Dwight Schrute: [running into work after discovering it really was a Friday] I'm here! I'm here! I'm here. It's okay!

Pam Beesley: [trying to make Dwight think that it's Friday] Oh, my God, did you watch "The Apprentice" last night?
Jim Halpert: Of course. It's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it?
Pam Beesley: Can you believe who Trump fired?
Jim Halpert: No, that was unbelievable.
Dwight Schrute: Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?
Pam Beesley: You didn't see it?
Dwight Schrute: No. I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! Never go out on a Thursday night. What the hell was I thinking?
[Jim nods with satisfaction toward camera]


"The Office: Murder (#6.10)" (2009)
Jim Halpert: Okay, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.
Dwight Schrute: That is correct, unless there happen to be measles present.

Dwight Schrute: You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.

Dwight Schrute: Voodoo Mama Juju, explain your dalliance with the dark arts.
Angela Martin: It's not my fault. I was exposed to "Harry Potter."
Dwight Schrute: I know you did it!
Dwight Schrute: [to the camera crew] I know she didn't do it. It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis, a.k.a. Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect.

Phyllis Vance: [in her game character] "I overheard you asking the butler where the pistol was kept."
[Michael gasps]
Dwight Schrute: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm the butler. What, you were listening in on that? Oh, you rich people, you think you can do whatever you want to the servant class!
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing.
Dwight Schrute: I will poison your food.


"The Office: Initiation (#3.5)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.
Ryan Howard: I don't think you know what you're saying.

Dwight Schrute: One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!

Dwight Schrute: Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
Ryan Howard: I think about that all the time.

Dwight Schrute: Brain teaser: I have two coins, totaling 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan Howard: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight Schrute: No. I said one of them is not a nickel.
Ryan Howard: But the other one is. I've heard that before.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, "There's no way I can operate on this boy, because he's my..."
Ryan Howard: [cuts him off] "Because he's my son." The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight Schrute: A man is found hanging from the ceiling...
Ryan Howard: [cuts him off] He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.
Dwight Schrute: A hunter...
Ryan Howard: [cuts him off] It's a polar bear, because you're at the North Pole.
Dwight Schrute: Damn it!


"The Office: Golden Ticket (#5.17)" (2009)
Michael Scott: Why do you have a diary?
Dwight Schrute: [whispering] To keep secrets from my computer.

Creed Bratton: Good work, kid.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks old man.

Michael Scott: We think a lot a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something, and I will say what you're thinking.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, what am I thinking right now?
Michael Scott: Nacho chips.
Dwight Schrute: No. I was thinking about how the skin is the largest organ of the body.

[as David Wallace congratulates Dwight for the golden-ticket idea and Michael tries to get Dwight to admit it's not his]
Jim Halpert: You're talking to Dwight Schrute, the biggest "Wonka" fan I know. I mean, you've been talking about that movie for years.
Michael Scott: What?
Jim Halpert: [to Dwight] You know what, I even made fun of you when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea, and, for that, I apologize.
Dwight Schrute: Apology rejected.


"The Office: Product Recall (#3.20)" (2007)
Jim Halpert: [Jim sits at his desk, dressed like Dwight] Question, what kind of bear is best?
Dwight Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim Halpert: False. Black bear.
Dwight Schrute: Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
Jim Halpert: Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, "Battlestar Galactica."
Dwight Schrute: Bears do not... What is going on? What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: [in confessional] Last week, I was in a drugstore, and I saw these glasses. Four dollars. And it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the ensemble, and that is a grand total of $11.
Dwight Schrute: [Back at their desks] You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. So I thank you.
[Jim takes a bobblehead doll out of his suitcase and sets it on his desk]
Dwight Schrute: Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim Halpert: [imitating Dwight] Michael!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, that's funny. Michael!

[Dwight comes in dressed as Jim as revenge]
Dwight Schrute: Pam.
[drums on her desk]
Pam Beesly: [amused] Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today.
Dwight Schrute: [scoffs] I look like an idiot!
[goes over to his desk]
Dwight Schrute: He, Karen.
[flattens his hair to make it more like Jim's]
Karen Filippelli: Hey, Dwight. Looking sharp.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, that's 'cause I'm your boyfriend, Jim Halpert.
[Karen smiles]
Dwight Schrute: Hey, Karen. Wanna get together later and have sexual intercourse 'cause you're my girlfriend?
Jim Halpert: [looks at Karen] Do you?
Karen Filippelli: No. I'm good. Thanks.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
[Dwight imitates Jim's expressions; Jim is impressed]
Jim Halpert: Look at that.
Dwight Schrute: I'm Jim Halpert.
Jim Halpert: Spot on.
Dwight Schrute: [makes some more faces and mumbles] A little comment.

Dwight Schrute: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat. Couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.

Michael Scott: The watermark, it's a one-time thing.
Barbara Allen: I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?
Dwight Schrute: May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
Michael Scott: Okay.


"The Office: Branch Closing (#3.7)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: What were your favorite moments?
Michael Scott: Uh... All of them. I loved them all. Every single one of them.
Dwight Schrute: What about when Jan said the branch was closing?
Michael Scott: God, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute: When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is "Something Weird is Going On: What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story." By Michael Scott with Dwight Schrute.

Jim Halpert: So, from time to time, I send Dwight faxes from himself from the future.
Dwight Schrute: [reading fax] Dwight, at 8:00 a.m. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: [sees Stanley about to drink the coffee and sprints across the office, knocking the cup out of Stanley's hand]
Dwight Schrute: No!
[after knocking the cup to the floor]
Dwight Schrute: You'll thank me later.


"The Office: Halloween (#2.5)" (2005)
[Michael is asking Dwight who should be fired on Halloween. Michael is wearing a papier-mâché replica of his head on his shoulder and Dwight is dressed as a Sith Lord]
Michael Scott: [to his papier-mâché replica head] What? There was someone left off that list? Who?
Dwight Schrute: Who is he saying?
Michael Scott: [gasp] You're right. I didn't even think of him.
Dwight Schrute: No, Michael.
Michael Scott: Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.
Dwight Schrute: No. No. Not me.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I could.
Dwight Schrute: Not Dwight.
Michael Scott: I'm not saying that's what he said.
Dwight Schrute: I know that's what he said.
Michael Scott: [to his papier-mâché replica head] What?
Dwight Schrute: Tell him not Dwight.
Michael Scott: [to his papier-mâché replica head] That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Dwight Schrute: Tell him to stop.
Michael Scott: [to his papier-mâché replica head] Are you kidding?
Dwight Schrute: [to Michael's papier-mâché replica head] Quiet, you!
Michael Scott: [to his papier-mâché replica head] I agree. He'd land on his feet.
Dwight Schrute: Make him be quiet.

Dwight Schrute: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.

Dwight Schrute: So you got the fax. So why didn't you add it to the résumé? What do you mean? Of course, martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence! Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too, and I will see you there burning. Fine. Oh, wait, so you'll let me know when you've made a decision?


"The Office: The Injury (#2.12)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: [Leaving Pam's desk] ... okay, see you later Pan.

Michael Scott: Dwight, what is your middle name?
Dwight Schrute: Danger.
Michael Scott: Something with a "K."
Jim Halpert: It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that.

Dwight Schrute: [delusional] You can't fire me. I don't work in this van.


"The Office: Weight Loss (#5.1)" (2008)
Dwight Schrute: Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also, Kevin.

Dwight Schrute: Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.

Dwight Schrute: This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Um... Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.


"The Office: Traveling Salesmen (#3.12)" (2007)
[Deleted scene]
Dwight Schrute: I like Karen. She's pretty... appears intelligent.
Jim Halpert: Well, I like pretty women... with the appearance of intelligence.

Michael Scott: I want you to think about your future at this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.
Dwight Schrute: That's what she said.
Michael Scott: Don't... Don't you dare.

Dwight Schrute: [to a potential sales client] Here's my card. It's got my cell number, my pager number, my home number and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick. And I don't celebrate any major holidays.


"The Office: Local Ad (#4.5)" (2007)
Jim Halpert: You playing that game again?
Dwight Schrute: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It does have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.
Jim Halpert: Oh, it has losers.

Michael Scott: [at a meeting] Has anyone ever come up to you and said, "You're not creative"?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: Well, they're wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative, each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with.
[they all look around, confused]
Jim Halpert: Who are you talking to, specifically?

[deleted scene]
[as Dwight plays Second Life, his character opens up his closet to find his rocket launcher in Jell-O]
Dwight Schrute: Who put my rocket launcher in Jell-O?
[Jim's Second Life character flies just outside the window]


"The Office: The Fire (#2.4)" (2005)
Dwight Schrute: Question: is there firewood on the island?
Jim Halpert: I guess.
Dwight Schrute: Then I would bring an ax, no books.
Jim Halpert: No, it has to be a book, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Fine. "Physician's Desk Reference."
Jim Halpert: Nice. Smart.
Dwight Schrute: Hollowed out. Inside, waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." No, "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban." Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash?

Phyllis: [the employees are listing what books they would like to read on a desert island] "The Da Vinci Code."
Angela: "The Da Vinci Code." I would take "The Da Vinci Code," so I could burn "The Da Vinci Code."
Dwight Schrute: Okay, great. That's gonna keep you warm for, like, seven seconds.

Dwight Schrute: [to the tune of "We Didn't Start The Fire"] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe! Ryan started the fire!


"The Office: Todd Packer (#7.17)" (2011)
Dwight Schrute: All right, picture this. Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A rabid pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. There's only one hope for you: the door to my shelter. You pound. You beg. "Dwight, please let me in." But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You want to know why?
Jim Halpert: Because of the sign that says, "No pounding, no begging."

Kevin Malone: [to Todd] Your life is so insane. You should write a book.
Todd Packer: Since when did you learn how to read?
Kevin Malone: [still smiling] I do know how to read, though.
Todd Packer: Yeah. You know how to read a menu. This guy...
[Todd chuckles and leaves]
Kevin Malone: [to Holly and Dwight] I... He's right. I mean, I could lose some weight.
Dwight Schrute: Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up-and-comer.

[deliberating how to get back at Todd]
Jim Halpert: All right, well, this isn't my best, but call Froggy 101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets. We give them a number to call for the tickets, and it's his number.
Dwight Schrute: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim Halpert: He... It's a crime-fighting beaver.


"The Office: Business School (#3.16)" (2007)
Dwight Schrute: I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

Michael Scott: What is the most inspiring thing I ever said to you?
Dwight Schrute: "Don't be an idiot." Changed my life.

[in a confessional after Dwight believes Jim was bitten by the bat]
Dwight Schrute: If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a "Sylvania," like Pennsylvania. Now, that doesn't mean Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.


"The Office: Dwight's Speech (#2.17)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: Blood alone moves the wheels of history!

Michael Scott: But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
Dwight Schrute: A saleswoman has a vagina.
Michael Scott: It's a joke, Dwight. It's not a sex ed class.

Dwight Schrute: When I was in the 6th grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure."


"The Office: Gay Witch Hunt (#3.1)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: You could assume everyone is and not say anything offensive.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.

Dwight Schrute: Michael appears to be gay, too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.

Michael Scott: Can you tell who's gay and who is not?
Dwight Schrute: Of course.
Michael Scott: What about Oscar?
Dwight Schrute: Absolutely not.
Michael Scott: Well, he is.
Dwight Schrute: Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...


"The Office: The Dundies (#2.1)" (2005)
Dwight Schrute: So, what's the joke? You're not perfect, either.
Pam Beesly: We're not laughing at you, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: So, who are we laughing at?
Pam Beesly: Just something somebody wrote.
Dwight Schrute: Who, Dave Barry?
Kelly: [laughs] No, no. Just something that was written on the ladies' room wall.
Dwight Schrute: What is it? Who wrote it?
Pam Beesly: It's kind of private.
Phyllis: [whispers] It's about Michael.
Dwight Schrute: That is defacement of company property, so you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.
Pam Beesly: [laughing] Okay, now I'm laughing at you.

Dwight Schrute: So what's the joke? You're not perfect, either.

Dwight Schrute: Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please? I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies' room for a reason, and if you cannot behave like ladies, well, then you are not going to have a bathroom.
Pam Beesly: You're taking away our bathroom?
Dwight Schrute: We are going to have two mens' rooms.
Phyllis: But where would we... go?


"The Office: Boys and Girls (#2.15)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: [noticing the women having a meeting] That's a terrible idea.
Jim Halpert: What is?
Dwight Schrute: Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

Dwight Schrute: Michael wants us to bond, so we need topics for conversation.
Jim Halpert: Ponies.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Ryan Howard: How about rainbows?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Jim Halpert: Flowers?
Dwight Schrute: No!
Ryan Howard: Makeup?

Roy: I hate it when girls insist on taking them out to new restaurants every weekend night, and then they're like, "When are we gonna go on a date-date?"
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, and then they make you drive them to church the next morning. Like, gas ain't free.


"The Office: Pilot (#1.1)" (2005)
[Jim set a fence of pencils up between Dwight and his desk]
Dwight Schrute: You can't do that. Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.

Dwight Schrute: Damn it! Jim! He put my stuff in Jell-O again.
[Points to Michael]
Dwight Schrute: You can be a witness. Can you reprimand him, please?
Jim Halpert: [eating Jell-O] How do you know it was me?

Dwight Schrute: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.


"The Office: Conflict Resolution (#2.21)" (2006)
Jim Halpert: Hey, you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo ID taken together.
Dwight Schrute: That doesn't make any sense.
Jim Halpert: Well, it saves time, you know. 'Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning, walk in together. Perfect.
The Photographer: Smile.
Dwight Schrute: No.
[He stares right at camera as photographer takes the picture. To film crew]
Dwight Schrute: I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
Jim Halpert: This came out really well. There you go.
Dwight Schrute: This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And my middle name is Kurt, not fart.
Jim Halpert: What did I write?
[Dwight walks away while Jim smiles at camera]

Dwight Schrute: I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

Dwight Schrute: ID badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?


"The Office: Company Picnic (#5.26)" (2009)
Dwight Schrute: Normally, I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Dwight Schrute: Rolf is my best friend. We met a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.

[trying to stall the game until Pam returns]
Dwight Schrute: How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four?
David Wallace: Dwight...
Dwight Schrute: No, no. Hear me out. Five? Six?
David Wallace: Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Seven? Can I finish, please?
David Wallace: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Eight?


"The Office: Business Ethics (#5.2)" (2008)
Jim Halpert: Hey, Andy.
Andy Bernard: Yo.
Jim Halpert: By any chance, did you see "Battlestar Galactica" last night?
Andy Bernard: No, I did not. Was that any good?
Jim Halpert: Actually not. It was really so-so.
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
[Jim threatens with the stopwatch]
Andy Bernard: I mean, I like all the crazy monsters and stuff, you know, like Klingons and Wookiees and all that, but...
[Dwight turns to respond, but Jim shows the stopwatch again]
Jim Halpert: Sorry, was there something you wanted to add, Dwight?
Andy Bernard: Is that anything like the original "Battlestar Galactica"?
Jim Halpert: You know what's weird? It's practically a shot-for-shot remake.
Andy Bernard: Really? Huh. That's cool.
Jim Halpert: The story's kind of bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian...
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Jim Halpert: ...who needs to return the ring back to Mordor.
Andy Bernard: That doesn't sound right.

Oscar Martinez: Okay. Once in a while, I'll take a long lunch.
Michael Scott: A siesta.
Dwight Schrute: Time thief. Time thief. Fire him!
Jim Halpert: Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?
Dwight Schrute: Never.
Michael Scott: You are a thief of joy.


"The Office: Lecture Circuit: Part 1 (#5.14)" (2009)
Jim Halpert: Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight Schrute: They match the carpet.
Jim Halpert: What is that?
[reading a banner]
Jim Halpert: "It is your birthday," period.
Dwight Schrute: It is a statement of fact
Jim Halpert: Not even an exclamation point?
Dwight Schrute: This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.

Jim Halpert: I can't believe how bad this looks.
Dwight Schrute: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because, if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate twice the speed of a normal man's.


"The Office: Blood Drive (#5.16)" (2009)
Dwight Schrute: I trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.

Meredith Palmer: She could be your soul mate.
Dwight Schrute: Not likely. With three billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.


"The Office: Double Date (#6.9)" (2009)
Dwight Schrute: [to camera crew] Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends, so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Jeez, when did everyone get so cynical?

Dwight Schrute: What's going on in here?
Oscar Martinez: Andy bought lunch.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, no, really?
Andy Bernard: Yep, yep. Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness.
Dwight Schrute: There is no book; there's only a survival guide.


"The Office: The Fight (#2.6)" (2005)
Jim Halpert: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah.
[scoffs]
Michael Scott: Well, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim Halpert: You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?
Dwight Schrute: What belt are they?

Dwight Schrute: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed 20 men, then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.


"The Office: The Convict (#3.9)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

Dwight Schrute: Prison Mike, what's the very, very worst thing about prison?
Angela Martin: [softly to Dwight] Don't encourage him, Dwight.
Michael Scott: [as Prison Mike] The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and then they'd come down and they'd suck the soul out of your body and it hurt!
Karen Filippelli: Dementors, like in "Harry Potter"?
Michael Scott: No, not "Harry Potter." There are no movies in prison.


"The Office: Michael's Birthday (#2.19)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food, I can drive a taxi, I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Dwight Schrute: [talking quietly to Angela with Ryan nearby, trying badly to hide their affair] What about that meeting later to discuss finances?
Angela: Yes. But don't expect any cookie.
Dwight Schrute: [slowly whispering] But what if I'm hungry?
Angela: No cookie.
[knowing what they were really talking about, stares into the camera at a total loss for words]


"The Office: Customer Survey (#5.6)" (2008)
[going into Michael's office to receive his customer reports]
Jim Halpert: That is me. Wish me luck.
Dwight Schrute: No way.
Pam Beesley: [on Jim's Bluetooth] Good luck.
Jim Halpert: Thanks.
Dwight Schrute: I didn't say anything.
Pam Beesley: I love you.
Jim Halpert: I love you, too.
Dwight Schrute: What do you think I'm saying to you?

Dwight Schrute: You juked the stats, cupcake.


"The Office: The Client (#2.7)" (2005)
Dwight Schrute: [playing Agent Michael Scarn in a screenplay written by Michael] "Sam, get my luggage."
Ryan Howard: [playing Agent Michael Scarn's assistant, Samuel L. Chang, with Asian accent] "I forget it, brother."
Dwight Schrute: "Samuel, you are such an idiot. You are the worst assistant ever and you're disgusting. Dwigt." Wait, who's Dwigt?
Pam Beesley: [in confessional] Here's what we think happened: Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie, is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight, but then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace. But that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one "Dwigt." And Dwight figured it out. Oops!

Dwight Schrute: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma!" in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutie the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.


"The Office: Search Committee (#7.24)" (2011)
Dwight Schrute: I will run this branch or I will destroy this branch. Or... I don't know. Something always works out.

[Dwight interviews for Regional Manager position with his face covered in bandages and shades, handing Jim, Toby, and Gabe his résumé]
Jim Halpert: Hello, Mr. Souvenier. Mr. Jacques Souvenier? Nice to meet you. It says here you're French?
[Dwight nods, and Jo looks at the bandaged Dwight suspiciously, believing that it is really Dwight]
Jim Halpert: So you worked at your last job for 15 years as assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight Schrute: [Muttering to disguise his voice] Assistant regional manager.
Jim Halpert: Assistant *to the* regional manager.
Dwight Schrute: Assistant regional manager.
Jim Halpert: What is it?
Dwight Schrute: [in French accent] Assistant regional manager.
Jim Halpert: Oh, that's my mistake. Sorry about that. The last paper company you worked for burned to the ground? And all because they wouldn't hire a manager who lived and breathed paper. That's a travesty.


"The Office: New Boss (#5.18)" (2009)
Dwight Schrute: Oh! Here's one. A string quartet playing classical music.
Michael Scott: You know, that's good, but that's not classy. I need something classy, like the opening of a car dealership.
Jim Halpert: That's it. Or Mr. Peanut.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Mr. Peanut is not classy.
Michael Scott: He is.
Dwight Schrute: He is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane, a monocle and a top hat.
Michael Scott: That's what makes him classy.

Jim Halpert: Okay, let's just try this one on for size, and I apologize, 'cause it's right off the top of my head. An ice sculpture of you completely surrounded by a variety of chocolate-covered fruits.
Michael Scott: Strawberries?
Jim Halpert: That's inspired.
Dwight Schrute: I said that!
[Dwight storms out]
Pam Beesly: Not classy.
Michael Scott: Not classy at all.
Jim Halpert: Déclassé.
Michael Scott: French! Classy.


"The Office: Dunder Mifflin Infinity (#4.2)" (2007)
Angela Martin: [during diner] How's your meat?
Dwight Schrute: Dry. Delicious.

Angela Martin: I heard a joke today.
Dwight Schrute: [awkward laughter] Oh, that's funny.
Angela Martin: Yes, it was.


"The Office: Christmas Party (#2.10)" (2005)
Dwight Schrute: "A real man makes his own luck." Billy Zane, "Titanic."

Dwight Schrute: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets... Christmas.


"The Office: Nepotism (#7.1)" (2010)
Jim Halpert: Wow, that's a lot of keys.
Dwight Schrute: The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man.
Jim Halpert: That's right. The janitor said that.

Dwight Schrute: Who's gonna tell on us? Gabe?
Gabe Lewis: That'd be hilarious. "Joe, they're creating a hostile working environment! Stop them!"
[laughs]


"The Office: Moroccan Christmas (#5.10)" (2008)
Dwight Schrute: In the Schrute family, we believe in a five-fingered intervention. Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.

Michael Scott: You lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?
Dwight Schrute: I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.
Dwight Schrute: [to the camera] There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.


"The Office: Hot Girl (#1.6)" (2005)
Michael Scott: All right, girls, break it up; you're being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse.
Dwight Schrute: Cocks in the henhouse.
Michael Scott: Don't say cocks.

Dwight Schrute: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.


"The Office: Take Your Daughter to Work Day (#2.18)" (2006)
Jake: You're ugly.
Dwight Schrute: Well, at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So...
Jake: Meredith!

Michael Scott: I'm Michael Scott and I am in charge of this place. How do I make you understand... I am like Superman. And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
Dwight Schrute, Jim Halpert: That's Batman.
Michael Scott: Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?
Jim Halpert: The ocean.
Michael Scott: [muttering] I work with a bunch of nerds.


"The Office: Phyllis' Wedding (#3.15)" (2007)
Dwight Schrute: There's too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague.

Dwight Schrute: I saw "Wedding Crashers" accidentally. I bought a ticket for "Grizzly Man" and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Because that's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.


"The Office: The Coup (#3.3)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms.

Michael Scott: [Michael reveals that he knew about Dwight's meeting with Jan after Dwight badmouthed his Sebring] I know, Dwight, I know. I know, I know.
Dwight Schrute: You know what?
Michael Scott: Jan told me about your little meeting.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: I know what you did.
Dwight Schrute: [voice wavering as he thinks it's partially a result of his comments toward Michael's Sebring] You... The Sebring's cool...
Michael Scott: I made the whole thing up, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: It's cool, the Sebring's cool...
Michael Scott: Oh, do you? Do you like it?
Dwight Schrute: ...And has a cassette and a CD.
[Dwight continues backing away from Michael scared]


"The Office: Booze Cruise (#2.11)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore.
Michael Scott: It's a fake wheel, dummy.

Dwight Schrute: [thinking he's steering the "Booze Cruise" boat] I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four and I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.


"The Office: Grief Counseling (#3.4)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.


"The Office: The Chump (#6.25)" (2010)
Dwight Schrute: [about their agreement] But not in your bed. It's lumpy.
Angela Martin: Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names. And those names are Amber, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy.


"The Office: The Secret (#2.13)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasance's sake.


"The Office: Goodbye, Michael (#7.21)" (2011)
Dwight Schrute: I've pretty much given up on Michael doing the right thing, or the decent thing, or even the comprehensible thing.


"The Office: Crime Aid (#5.4)" (2008)
Michael Scott: [sees office in disarray] Oh my god, what happened?
Jim Halpert: We were robbed last night.
Dwight Schrute: Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen. Motives: financial, or possibly vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out... and that's all we have.


"The Office: Valentine's Day (#2.16)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.


"The Office: Goodbye, Toby (#4.14)" (2008)
Jim Halpert: Dwight left his cell phone on his desk, so, naturally, I paired it to my headset.
Dwight Schrute: [while phone is ringing] Okay, fine, I'll just let it go to voicemail.
Jim Halpert: [Presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight.
Pam Beesley: Hey, is this Dwight?
Jim Halpert: Yes, it is.
Pam Beesley: Oh, my goodness, you sound sexy.
Jim Halpert: Oh, thank you. I've been working out.
Dwight Schrute: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Pam! Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now! You are talking to Jim.
Pam Beesley: Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: No! Pam, I'm over here!
Pam Beesley: I'm confused.


"The Office: Dinner Party (#4.9)" (2008)
[outside Michael's house, two police officers approach]
Dwight Schrute: I'll take care of this. Okay, what seems to be the problem, Officers?
Cop #1: Not now, Dwight.


"The Office: Back from Vacation (#3.11)" (2007)
Michael Scott: I have a special assignment for you.
Dwight Schrute: Who's the target?
Michael Scott: A sensitive e-mail has been released into the office. It contains a file. A picture. The filename is Jamaica Jan Sun Princess.
Dwight Schrute: What's it of?
Michael Scott: Not important.
Dwight Schrute: Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment.
Michael Scott: Okay, then forget it.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I accept it.


"The Office: Basketball (#1.5)" (2005)
Michael Scott: I know. Grumble, grumble, but you would follow me to the ends of the earth grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from "Lord of the Rings."
Dwight Schrute: Gimli.
Michael Scott: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight Schrute: Just trying to be helpful.
Michael Scott: [mimicking Dwight] "I'll help. Elwyn Dragonslayer. Ten points, power sword."
Jim Halpert: That's him.


"The Office: Cafe Disco (#5.25)" (2009)
[as Phyllis is lying on the floor from her back]
Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey, hey, hey. I got your text. Who's Phillip?
Michael Scott: No, no, no.
Dwight Schrute: [to Phyllis] Who tipped you over? Was it Phillip?


"The Office: Ultimatum (#7.12)" (2011)
Dwight Schrute: What'd you get?
Darryl Philbin: A book about oceans.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, really? What else? Let me see.
Darryl Philbin: That's porn. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn.


"The Office: Finale (#9.23)" (2013)
Dwight Schrute: Michael... I can't believe you came.
Michael Scott: [choking up] That's what she said.


"The Office: Did I Stutter? (#4.12)" (2008)
Dwight Schrute: [pushing Michael's face into wet cement] Force it in as deep as you can.
Michael Scott: [muffled] That's what she said.


"The Office: The Convention (#3.2)" (2006)
Michael Scott: [turns on black light in his hotel room] Now would you do me the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir?
Michael Scott: [Dwight turns off lights and they see stains all over bed] Whoa. What are all those stains?
Dwight Schrute: Blood, urine, or semen.
Michael Scott: Oh, God, I hope it's urine.


"The Office: Heavy Competition (#5.22)" (2009)
Dwight Schrute: When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland.


"The Office: Scott's Tots (#6.12)" (2009)
Dwight Schrute: In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.


"The Office: Sex Ed (#7.4)" (2010)
Dwight Schrute: Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.


"The Office: Body Language (#6.23)" (2010)
Dwight Schrute: Just once, I would like to be a puppet master and have nothing go wrong. Is that too much to ask?


"The Office: Sexual Harassment (#2.2)" (2005)
Dwight Schrute: Hey, Toby.
Toby: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.
Toby: Sure.
Dwight Schrute: [pause] Where is the clitoris?
[Toby stares, shocked]
Dwight Schrute: On a website, it said, "At the crest of the labia." What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?
Toby: [talking to the camera] Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking about human anatomy. I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.


"The Office: Viewing Party (#7.8)" (2010)
Dwight Schrute: In the Schrute family, the youngest child always raises the others. I've been raising children since I was a baby.


"The Office: The Merger (#3.8)" (2006)
Andy: Saw your dork-mobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like, four miles to the gallon?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, try double that. Classic Trans Am, vintage American muscle. Please.
Andy: Yeah, my Xterra is pretty sweet. Luxurious yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.
Dwight Schrute: Xterra's not even a real word.
Andy: Actually, it is. It's Latin for "earth."
Dwight Schrute: Oh, so you drive an X-earth? Yeah, that makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic Trans Am than an X-earth.
Andy: Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back.
Dwight Schrute: Well, I hope 1985 has a time machine, 'cause I drive an '87.
Andy: Oh, speaking of time machines? I just got back from the future, and I went to your funeral, and guess what? Nobody came.
Dwight Schrute: Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die?
Andy: That was a really well-constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-Not University.
Dwight Schrute: Idiot!
Andy: If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a Trans Am.
Dwight Schrute: If you were driving a Trans Am, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world.
Andy: [coughing] Idiot!
Dwight Schrute: [coughing] You're the idiot.
Andy: [coughing] Nice comeback.
Dwight Schrute: [coughing] I was making fun of your comeback. That's why it worked.


"The Office: Threat Level Midnight (#7.16)" (2011)
Dwight Schrute: We've searched the whole building, Goldenface. Where is the bomb?
Goldenface: Hmm?
Dwight Schrute: We've searched the whole building, Goldenface. Where is the bomb?
Goldenface: Hmm?
Dwight Schrute: We've searched the... Okay.


"The Office: Beach Games (#3.22)" (2007)
Michael Scott: [choosing team names for the company's beach day] We are going to choose team names. Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: We will be called Gryffindor.
Jim Halpert: Really? Not Slytherin?
Dwight Schrute: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
Jim Halpert: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.
Dwight Schrute: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? I wouldn't do that.
Jim Halpert: [with his team, while Dwight tells them not to] Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort.
Michael Scott: Idiots. Idiots. Okay, okay. Stanley, your team name?
Stanley: I don't care what you name my team.
Michael Scott: Then I will name your team the Red Team.
Stanley: No, the Blue Team.


"The Office: Manager and Salesman (#6.16)" (2010)
Jo Bennett: Do you always stay seated when a lady enters the room?
Dwight Schrute: I am treating you the same as a man, for whom I would also not stand. Unless it was the President, or Judge Judy.
Jo Bennett: I like that.


"The Office: St. Patrick's Day (#6.19)" (2010)
Dwight Schrute: They say no man is an island. False! I am an island, and this island is volcanic, and it's about to erupt with the hot molten lava of strategy.


"The Office: Classy Christmas (#7.11)" (2010)
Dwight Schrute: In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all; it's fear.


"The Office: Survivor Man (#4.7)" (2007)
Dwight Schrute: Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way. No, I do not.


"The Office: The Duel (#5.11)" (2009)
[reading the note Andy posted to a bush in the parking lot]
Dwight Schrute: "From the desk of Andrew Bernard." A note. Pathetic. "Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note. How are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It's come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested." True. "The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly. Alas, after much consideration..."