Jim Halpert
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Quotes for
Jim Halpert (Character)
from "The Office" (2005)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Office: Money (#4.4)" (2007)
Dwight Schrute: Now then, do you have any special needs or dietary restrictions?
Jim Halpert: Yes. We will be requiring a bedtime story.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Jim Halpert: Not even "Harry Potter"?
Dwight Schrute: No, Jim, come on.

Jim Halpert: I just realized that this is Pam's and my first night away together. I used to play it over in my head, and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a nice hotel, or a romantic dinner, wine, but wine that wasn't made out of beets. Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all. And I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure, just less.
Dwight Schrute: This is beet food. Mose, what are you doing? No, Mose. Put the manure down. Put it down! Do not throw it! Do not... Ow!

Dwight Schrute: Come in. Did you have another nightmare?
Jim Halpert: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose.
Jim Halpert: Does Mose have nightmares?
Dwight Schrute: [ominously] Oh, yes. Ever since the storm.

Dwight Schrute: Is everything satisfactory with your stay?
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: All right.
Jim Halpert: I just thought I heard crying or moaning or something in here.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, well, I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.
Jim Halpert: Good night, Dwight.

Ryan Howard: What I really want, honestly Michael, is for you to know it so that you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael Scott: [chuckles] Okay.
Ryan Howard: What?
Michael Scott: It's 'whoever', not 'whomever'.
Ryan Howard: No, it's 'whomever'.
Michael Scott: No, 'whomever' is never actually right.
Jim Halpert: Well, sometimes it's right.
Creed Bratton: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy Bernard: No. Actually, 'whomever' is the formal version of the word.
Oscar Martinez: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael Scott: [to camera] Not a native speaker.
Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

[deleted scene]
Dwight Schrute: State your business!
Andy Bernard: I am dying of love sickness and horny sickness.
Dwight Schrute: That isn't possible, unless you mean gonorrhea.
Andy Bernard: I'm talking about Angela, okay? Did you hear what she was saying to Pam the other day?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, I did, except I don't think she means it. Angela is in a great deal of pain because of the death of her cat and she is in a kind of grieving process and it makes her say things. So, best you just lay off.
Andy Bernard: No can do. I am itching all over with Angela-pox.
Jim Halpert: Oh, my God. You do have gonorrhea.

Jim Halpert: Dwight, how's the hotel business?
Dwight Schrute: Stupid.
Jim Halpert: Have you checked Trip Advisor recently?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Jim Halpert: Maybe you should.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe you should... Whatever.
[talking head]
Pam Beesly: We wrote a good review. Under "Comments," we wrote, "The natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedrooms and makes you dream of simpler times."
Jim Halpert: "The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings."
Pam Beesly: "Table-making never seemed so possible."
Jim Halpert: "You will never want to leave your room."
Pam Beesly: "The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm."

[Dwight moans in stairwell]
Jim Halpert: Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?
[Dwight mumbles]
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam.
Dwight Schrute: [mumbling] Beesley?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I mean, she was with Roy, and I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it, Dwight. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't concentrate on anything. And weird stuff, like food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. And it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And that includes you.
[Jim sighs and returns to the office]
Pam Beesley: Hey, I was thinking about dinner, we...
[Jim kisses Pam passionately, cutting her off]
Jim Halpert: Dinner. Let's see, maybe we should try the new Italian place where the dry cleaner used to be.
Pam Beesley: [a bit shocked, smiling] Okay.
Jim Halpert: Yeah?
Pam Beesley: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Pam Beesley: [in confessional] Jim's just really passionate about Italian food.
[smiles]
Jim Halpert: [smiling] Yeah. I'm very passionate about Italian food.
[Jim sits back down at his desk; Pam and Jim smiling at each other]
Jim Halpert: In fact, I'm in love with Italian food.

Dwight Schrute: [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin. Dwight Schrute. Please hold.
[he transfers the phone, and begins looking around in a file on his desk, then resumes his conversation]
Dwight Schrute: Schrute Farms, Guten Tag! How can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh, no. I'm sorry. No king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes.
[Jim, who has been staring confusedly at Dwight this whole time, hangs up his own phone]
Dwight Schrute: Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Auf Wiedersehen.
[hangs up]
Jim Halpert: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: None of your business, Jim.
Jim Halpert: You running a bed and breakfast?
Dwight Schrute: It is not a B&B.
Dwight Schrute: [later, to the camera] Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.
Jim Halpert: Does the Department of Health know about this?
Dwight Schrute: I am not telling you anything.
[to the camera]
Dwight Schrute: Permits are pending.
[his phone rings]
Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin.
Pam Beesly: Hello. I'm looking for a room.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. This is a misuse of company phones.
Pam Beesly: It says here you cater to the elderly.
Dwight Schrute: Where did you read that?
Pam Beesly: Trip Advisor.
Dwight Schrute: [to camera] Trip Advisor is the lifeblood of the agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you may as well close up shop. That's what took down the Stalk Inn, one of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.


"The Office: Health Care (#1.3)" (2005)
Jim Halpert: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? Because I'm suffering from both of them.
Pam Beesly: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim Halpert: Oh, great.
Pam Beesly: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim Halpert: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam Beesly: Nice.

Jim Halpert: Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And, well, if this were my career? I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

Dwight Schrute: All right, who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
Jim Halpert: What are you talking about?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, someone, uh, forged medical information, and that is a felony.
Jim Halpert: Okay, whoa, all right, 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, leprosy? Flesh-eating bacteria? Hot dog fingers. Government created killer nano robot infection.
[to Jim]
Dwight Schrute: You did this, didn't you?
Jim Halpert: Absolutely not.
Dwight Schrute: Yes you did.
Jim Halpert: No I didn't.
Dwight Schrute: I know it was you. Okay, fine, you know what? I'm going to have interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for anyone.
[Dwight slams door to his workspace]
Jim Halpert: [to Pam] Killer nano robots?
Pam Beesly: It's an epidemic.

Dwight Schrute: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. "Count Choculitis?"
Jim Halpert: Sounds tough.
Dwight Schrute: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that is a felony.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Whoa, all right, 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, "Leprosy. Flesh-eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection."

Jim Halpert: Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And, uh... Well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

Jim Halpert: Last night on "Trading Spouses," there's... Have you seen it?
Pam Beesley: No. I have a life.
Jim Halpert: Interesting. What's that like?
Pam Beesley: You should try it sometime.
Jim Halpert: Wow. But then who would watch my TV?

Dwight Schrute: Please knock. This is an office.
Jim Halpert: It
[pointing to sign]
Jim Halpert: says "workspace."
Dwight Schrute: Same thing.
Jim Halpert: If it's the same thing, then why'd you write "workspace"?


"The Office: Product Recall (#3.20)" (2007)
Jim Halpert: [Jim sits at his desk, dressed like Dwight] Question, what kind of bear is best?
Dwight Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim Halpert: False. Black bear.
Dwight Schrute: Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
Jim Halpert: Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, "Battlestar Galactica."
Dwight Schrute: Bears do not... What is going on? What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: [in confessional] Last week, I was in a drugstore, and I saw these glasses. Four dollars. And it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the ensemble, and that is a grand total of $11.
Dwight Schrute: [Back at their desks] You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. So I thank you.
[Jim takes a bobblehead doll out of his suitcase and sets it on his desk]
Dwight Schrute: Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim Halpert: [imitating Dwight] Michael!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, that's funny. Michael!

Jim Halpert: Lord, beer me strength.

[Andy has just found out his girlfriend is a high school student]
Andy Bernard: [horrified] Oh, my God!
Jim Halpert: Oh, *my* God.
Andy Bernard: I had no idea!
Jim Halpert: [grinning] Well, that's not gonna hold up in court.
Andy Bernard: We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.

[Dwight comes in dressed as Jim as revenge]
Dwight Schrute: Pam.
[drums on her desk]
Pam Beesly: [amused] Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today.
Dwight Schrute: [scoffs] I look like an idiot!
[goes over to his desk]
Dwight Schrute: He, Karen.
[flattens his hair to make it more like Jim's]
Karen Filippelli: Hey, Dwight. Looking sharp.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, that's 'cause I'm your boyfriend, Jim Halpert.
[Karen smiles]
Dwight Schrute: Hey, Karen. Wanna get together later and have sexual intercourse 'cause you're my girlfriend?
Jim Halpert: [looks at Karen] Do you?
Karen Filippelli: No. I'm good. Thanks.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
[Dwight imitates Jim's expressions; Jim is impressed]
Jim Halpert: Look at that.
Dwight Schrute: I'm Jim Halpert.
Jim Halpert: Spot on.
Dwight Schrute: [makes some more faces and mumbles] A little comment.

Andy Bernard: So, Tuna, when we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay?
Jim Halpert: Did that really need to be said?

Michael Scott: Andy, you go.
Andy Bernard: [in a British accent] William Dolittle at your service, a.k.a. Will Do.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I'm definitely going to go alone.
Michael Scott: No! No! I need two men on this! That's what she said. No time! But she did. No time!

Andy Bernard: [in Andy's car] Beer me.
Jim Halpert: What's that?
Andy Bernard: Hand me that water.
[Jim does so]
Andy Bernard: I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh, like, a quarter of the time.

Jim Halpert: [imitating Dwight] Fact: bears eat beets. Bears, beets, "Battlestar Galactica."


"The Office: Branch Wars (#4.6)" (2007)
Michael Scott: So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex?
Jim Halpert: What?
Michael Scott: I can't imagine the sex being bad. I mean, her body is awesome.
Jim Halpert: Okay, you know what? Why don't we play that alphabet game you were talking about?

Dwight Schrute: And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guard in the eye with a jumbo chalk.
Jim Halpert: No. No, you won't do that. Nope.
Dwight Schrute: Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, nothing with the eyes. Please?

[Jim, Michael and Dwight are in the car driving to Utica, Jim and Michael hear a strange noise]
Michael Scott: What is that?
[looks around]
Michael Scott: Dwight, are you peeing?
Dwight Schrute: I'm peeing in this empty can.
Jim Halpert: Oh, my God.
Michael Scott: Oh, come on, man. That is disgusting, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: You said we couldn't make any more stops. I really had to go.
Michael Scott: Oh, God!
Jim Halpert: Michael, watch the road!
Dwight Schrute: Hey, you're making me spray!
Michael Scott: I'm going to kill you, man!
Jim Halpert: Michael, Michael, pull over!
Michael Scott: That is just so disgusting.
Dwight Schrute: I think I cut my penis on the lid.

Michael Scott: [over the walkie-talkie] We are in the stairwell.
Dwight Schrute: We are climbing some stairs. I am breathing heavily.
Jim Halpert: Okay, you know what? You really don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.

Jim Halpert: [in the car, talking to Dwight and Michael over the walkie talkie, he sees Karen nearby] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Karen's back.
Dwight Schrute: Is it Karen?
Michael Scott: Take her to a motel. Make love to her, Jim.
Jim Halpert: No. I'm not doing that.
Michael Scott: Just say you want to get back together.
Jim Halpert: No. I'm not doing that.
Michael Scott: It doesn't have to mean anything. Just do it for Stanley. Come on, Jim. Just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Oh, God.
[groaning]

[Michael and Dwight updating Jim over the walkie-talkie]
Michael Scott: There's a guy. There's a guy.
Dwight Schrute: There's a security guard coming by. Hello. We're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?
[Jim looks at the camera]
Security Guard: Okay.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God. That was very close.
Dwight Schrute: I can see the security guard's eyes.
Jim Halpert: No. No. Don't do anything to them.
Dwight Schrute: I have to do something to his eyes.

[Jim talking to Michael and Dwight over the walkie-talkie]
Jim Halpert: All right, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home.
Michael Scott: [over walkie] We've got something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier.
Jim Halpert: Isn't that thing huge?
Dwight Schrute: It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running.
Jim Halpert: No. That is a terrible idea. Don't do this.
[Michael screams over the walkie as there is loud crashing heard, too]
Michael Scott: [groaning] My hip bone! We're wedged between the copier and the railing! I'm stuck. Oh, my left hip!
Dwight Schrute: Leave us, Jim! Leave us. Save yourself.
Michael Scott: Help us. No! Don't leave us. We need help, Jim!
Jim Halpert: Okay, first of all, stop using my name. And second of all...
Michael Scott: You've got to move out!
Jim Halpert: Damn it, guys!
Michael Scott: [to Dwight] Would you move over just a little bit?
Dwight Schrute: I'm losing control of my bladder!


"The Office: Casino Night (#2.22)" (2006)
Jim Halpert: [to Pam] I'm in love with you.

Ryan Howard: One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can.
Jim Halpert: So, that's still going on, huh? You and Kelly?

Jim Halpert: Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two?
Dwight Schrute: I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years.
Pam Beesley: It's a nice tux.
Dwight Schrute: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom.

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently, it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim Halpert: Nope. I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: That's a dog.
Pam Beesley: No, that's Afghan.
Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael Scott: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

Jim Halpert: Hey, can I talk to you about something?
Pam Beesley: About when you want to give me more of your money?
Jim Halpert: No, I...
Pam Beesley: Did you want to do that now? We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight.
Jim Halpert: I was just... I'm in love with you.
Pam Beesley: [No longer smiling] What?
Jim Halpert: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just...
Pam Beesley: [Stunned] What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim Halpert: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam Beesley: Well, I... I... I can't.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Pam Beesley: You have no idea...
Jim Halpert: Don't do that.
Pam Beesley: ...what your friendship means to me.
Jim Halpert: Come on. I don't want to do that. I wanna be more than that.
Pam Beesley: I can't.
[a small tear runs down Jim's face]
Pam Beesley: I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault.
Jim Halpert: [Trying to recover] Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.


"The Office: Boys and Girls (#2.15)" (2006)
Kevin: I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up.
Jim Halpert: Thanks for the heads-up, Kev.
Kevin: I got your back, if he does. But try to stay out of it.

Dwight Schrute: [noticing the women having a meeting] That's a terrible idea.
Jim Halpert: What is?
Dwight Schrute: Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

Dwight Schrute: Michael wants us to bond, so we need topics for conversation.
Jim Halpert: Ponies.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Ryan Howard: How about rainbows?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Jim Halpert: Flowers?
Dwight Schrute: No!
Ryan Howard: Makeup?

Pam Beesley: What? You have something you want to say?
Jim Halpert: You gotta take a chance on something, sometime, Pam. I mean, do you want to be a receptionist here, always?
Pam Beesley: [defensively] Oh, excuse me, I'm fine with my choices.
Jim Halpert: You are?
Pam Beesley: Yeah.

Jim Halpert: You gotta take a chance on something, sometime, Pam.


"The Office: Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager (#7.23)" (2011)
[as Jim, Dwight, and a small group decide what to get Deangelo in the hospital]
Jim Halpert: All in favor of the baskets full of chocolates, teddy bears, and ballons.
[Everyone but Dwight raises their hands]
Dwight Schrute: Wait, wait. All in favor of the knapsack filled with canned goods, chainsaw, gasoline and emergency radio in case he wakes up post-apocalypse.
[Dwight raises his hand, as Jim jokingly looks around the group to see if anyone else did. No one else raises their hands]
Jim Halpert: Nope. Baskets have it.

[in regards to Jo coming in to talk with Dwight as acting manager]
Dwight Schrute: So I expect you to be on your best behavior, which means none of you will be insubordinate, nor will you foment insurrection.
Jim Halpert: Question. If we've already fomented insurrection, may we be grandfathered in?
Dwight Schrute: Define "foment."
Jim Halpert: You define "foment."

[Dwight walks into the kitchen as Jim puts up a paper that says "Join The Fist" with a picture of a clenched fist]
Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing? What's this? What's The Fist?
Jim Halpert: It's just a social club. Like the French Revolution or The Black Panthers or communism. It's just a club. Guys talking.
Dwight Schrute: You expect me to believe that you're starting a rebellion?
Jim Halpert: Nope, social club. God, I hate when everybody calls us a rebellion.
[Darryl walks into the kitchen. Jim puts his fist up and Darryl does it back]
Dwight Schrute: Okay, you know what? I would love to join The Fist.
Jim Halpert: And we would love to have you, but not today. Unfortunately, it's a bad day, what with Operation Overthrow and everything.

[Dwight is talking to Jim in Dwight's office]
Dwight Schrute: Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me you'll be on your best behavior.
Jim Halpert: I *promised* other people that I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave them my word, so...
Dwight Schrute: Don't make me fire you.
Jim Halpert: You can't fire me. You're acting manager, not office manager, so you have no firing powers.
Dwight Schrute: Don't make me pre-fire you.
Jim Halpert: [serious tone] You wouldn't dare.
Dwight Schrute: Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when I'm promoted, you'll be full-fired.
[Jim stands up and talks softly]
Jim Halpert: If you get promoted. And if you haven't fallen in love with me by then.
Dwight Schrute: [shocked] What?

[Deleted scene. Jordan walks up to Jim's desk with a clipboard]
Jordan Garfield: Hey, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Jordan Garfield: What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: Just trying to process this invoice by 3:00. What are you doing?
Jordan Garfield: I am making a list for Dwight on what everyone's secretly up to.
Jim Halpert: No, you're not. 'Cause I'm doing that.
[Jim takes the clipboard]
Jordan Garfield: Don't you have a deadline?
Jim Halpert: Well, it's not all about deadlines, Jordan.
[Jim begins writing down made-up things for Dwight's list]
Jim Halpert: Does "gorilla" have two "R's"?
Jordan Garfield: The animal or the soldiers?
Jim Halpert: Both, actually.


"The Office: Hot Girl (#1.6)" (2005)
Jim Halpert: [about purse salesgirl Katy] She's not really my type.
Roy: What, are you gay?
Jim Halpert: Mm, I don't think so, nope.
Kevin: Well, what is your type?
Jim Halpert: [looks at Pam, takes a few seconds to come up with an answer] Moms, primarily. Yep, soccer moms, single moms, NASCAR moms. Any type of mom, really.
Roy: That's disgusting.
Kevin: Stay away from my mom.
Jim Halpert: Too late, Kev.

Jim Halpert: Pam and I are good buddies. I'm sort of Pam's go-to guy for her problems. You know, with stuff like work or her fiancé Roy. Or, um...
[thinking of a third problem]
Jim Halpert: No, those are pretty much her only two problems.

Jim Halpert: Well, I think I'm gonna see Katy.
Pam Beesly: Really?
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: What are you guys gonna do?
Jim Halpert: Oh, man, I don't know. Dinner. Drinks, movie, matching tattoos.

Jim Halpert: All right, now, I'm going to warn you, don't freak out.
Katy: Why?
Jim Halpert: This is a really nice car. In case you haven't notice, this is a Corolla.

[after tricking Dwight to buy a purse, Jim and Pam watch from reception, and Jim imitates Dwight]
Jim Halpert: Hi, my name's Dwight Schrute and I would like to buy a purse from you. Good Lord! Look at these purses. This is something special. Oh, my God. Is this Salvatore de Chini-asta?


"The Office: Golden Ticket (#5.17)" (2009)
Michael Scott: I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so...
Jim Halpert: [interrupting] Okay, well, I lost a ton of money today. And I have a mortgage, so I'm a little pissed, too.
Michael Scott: Thank you. Jim is with me.
Jim Halpert: Absolutely not. I'm mad at you.
Michael Scott: Well, you know what, Jim, it is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.
Creed Bratton: That's not why.

Andy Bernard: Every compliment has to be backhanded. "Oh, I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair."
Pam Beesly: That's psychotic. Do guys actually do that?
Jim Halpert: Guys with girlfriends don't.

Jim Halpert: Well, all I'm saying is it's a first date, so just keep a respectful distance.
Kevin Malone: Right.
Pam Beesly: I don't think Jim means to say that you shouldn't touch her.
Jim Halpert: No, that is what I mean.
Pam Beesly: Shush.

Michael Scott: Okay, we need a golden-ticket idea to get us out of this mess. Yes?
[Pam has her hand raised]
Pam Beesly: Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later?
Jim Halpert: Good one.

[as David Wallace congratulates Dwight for the golden-ticket idea and Michael tries to get Dwight to admit it's not his]
Jim Halpert: You're talking to Dwight Schrute, the biggest "Wonka" fan I know. I mean, you've been talking about that movie for years.
Michael Scott: What?
Jim Halpert: [to Dwight] You know what, I even made fun of you when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea, and, for that, I apologize.
Dwight Schrute: Apology rejected.


"The Office: A Benihana Christmas (#3.10)" (2006)
Michael Scott: [rides into office on very old and very used 10-speed bike and stops at Pam's desk] Hey! I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candy Pams. And perhaps some Pam chops... with mint.
Pam Beesly: Can I help you Michael?
Michael Scott: I'm looking for the Toy Drive box.
Pam Beesly: It's behind you.
Michael Scott: [turns around to see Toy Drive pile full of brand-new, unopened toys. Leans his old bike against wall] Okay. Well, I need to put this bike in there. I hope it will fit, with all these little knickknacks.
Jim Halpert: Wow. What kind of bike is that?
Michael Scott: Um. I don't know. Average kind.
Kevin Malone: That tires look pretty worn.
Michael Scott: Well, that is probably from the test drive.
Jim Halpert: But the paint is chipping. Is that your old bike, Michael?
Michael Scott: No.

Carol Stills: [shows Michael a framed photograph of her 2 kids, herself and a man on a ski trip. Michael Photoshopped his face in place of Carol's ex-husband's face] What is this?
Michael Scott: [laughing] That is my Christmas card. It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast. "Ski-eason's Greetings."
Carol Stills: No. See, we never went on a ski trip.
Michael Scott: [holding back laughs] I know. I know.
Carol Stills: I went on a ski trip two years ago with my kids and my ex-husband.
Michael Scott: Right. Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you, in a sense, I was in your heart...
Carol Stills: [interrupts him] Michael...
Michael Scott: ...and next to your kids. What?
Carol Stills: This is so weird.
Michael Scott: I don't understand.
Jim Halpert: [to the camera] It's a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. Is "bold" the right word?

Jim Halpert: You just had a rebound.
Michael Scott: I had a rebound.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction. But, when it's over, you're left thinking about the girl you really like, the one that broke your heart.

Dwight Schrute: Pam and Karen, I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning immediately.
Pam Beesley: You can't do that.
Dwight Schrute: As ranking number three in this office, I am order...
Andy: [grunts] I'm number three.
Dwight Schrute: You're number four.
Andy: Yeah, but I'm number three.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, no.
[to Pam]
Dwight Schrute: You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately. They will be returned to you on January 4th.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I think I can help here.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, good. They...
Jim Halpert: As ranking number two, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees, and I am the sole member of the committee. The committee act on this now.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, this is stupid.
Jim Halpert: Could you please keep it down? I'm in session.
[long pause]
Jim Halpert: I have determined that this committee is valid.
Dwight Schrute: What? No! No! Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
[thinks about it]
Dwight Schrute: Permission to join the Validity Committee.
Jim Halpert: Permission denied.
Dwight Schrute: Damn it.

Jim Halpert: What do we have here?
Dwight Schrute: What does it look like?
Jim Halpert: Dead goose.
Dwight Schrute: And circle gets the square.


"The Office: Ben Franklin (#3.14)" (2007)
Michael Scott: So I am instituting prima nocta.
Jim Halpert: [to the camera] Prima nocta, I believe, from the movie "Braveheart" and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So...
Michael Scott: I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.

Jim Halpert: [watching the stripper arrive in her car] Have you ever seen a stripper before?
Dwight Schrute: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on "Alias." It was one of her many aliases.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, me neither.
Elizabeth the Stripper: [walks over to them] Hey. I'm Elizabeth. I'm the dancer that was requested.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. I specifically ordered a stripper.
Elizabeth the Stripper: I'm the stripper.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, okay. Good. Well, in the future, please identify yourself as such. Okay.
Jim Halpert: [reads a text he just got from Michael on his phone] Oh, God.
Dwight Schrute: [reads the text aloud] "Is she hot?"
[looks at her]
Dwight Schrute: Text back, "Kind of."

Michael Scott: Guys! Beef, it's what's for dinner. Who wants some man meat?
Dwight Schrute: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim Halpert: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.

Jim Halpert: Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.

Dwight Schrute: [ordering a stripper over the phone] Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles. No tats. No, *tats*. Of course, I want...
Jim Halpert: [interrupts] Stop. That's disgusting.


"The Office: Survivor Man (#4.7)" (2007)
Michael Scott: Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping. And... Do you know what "hypothetical" means?
[Jim makes an unsure expression]
Michael Scott: Not real.
Jim Halpert: Got it.
Michael Scott: So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?
Jim Halpert: Absolutely. Yes.
[in confessional]
Jim Halpert: When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.
Michael Scott: Really?
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Oh, do you want to go today?
Jim Halpert: [aside to the camera] And I am always busy.
[to Michael]
Jim Halpert: Oh, I can't go today because I'm donating blood.

Creed Bratton: Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.
Jim Halpert: What do you want?
Creed Bratton: I want pie. I want peach pie.
Jim Halpert: You want birthday pie?
Creed Bratton: I want a nice cobbler.
Jim Halpert: I'll talk to Angela and we're going to see what we can do about a pie.
Creed Bratton: I don't care who you talk to you. Just make it happen.
Jim Halpert: It'll be Angela.
Creed Bratton: You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.

Jim Halpert: Yeah. Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.

Jim Halpert: Well, I don't think I'll be here in 10 years, but...
Michael Scott: That's what I said.
[Jim sits with a shocked expression that that will happen to him]
Michael Scott: That's what she said.
Jim Halpert: That's what who said?
Michael Scott: I never know. But I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension when things sort of get hard.
Jim Halpert: That's what she said.
Michael Scott: [laughs] Hey. Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.

[Michael is a little hurt that he wasn't invited to Ryan's camping trip]
Michael Scott: Just this whole Toby camping thing. I don't know, seems a little lame. I mean...
Jim Halpert: How so?
Michael Scott: A bunch of guys in a tent making s'mores.
[Michael wavers his hand implying that circumstance warrants homosexuality because it's all guys]
Jim Halpert: [about Michael's motions] What's that?
Michael Scott: Oh, I'm on Broken Mountain.
[sniggers]


"The Office: Chair Model (#4.10)" (2008)
[in the sitting area, writing down the numbers of women to set Michael up with]
Stanley Hudson: There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.
Phyllis Lapin: Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway. He can just deal with it.
Pam Beesly: Who are you putting down?
Jim Halpert: Oh, you don't know her.
Pam Beesly: Who is it?
Jim Halpert: Your mom.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, whatever.
[Jim smiles and shows her the card]
Pam Beesly: Give that to me! Give that to me.

Jim Halpert: [gets down on one knee] Hey, Pam? Will you wait for me one second while I tie my shoe?

[Jim and Pam were joking around about when they would get engaged]
Jim Halpert: [during interview] I am not kidding.
[pulls out an engagement ring]
Jim Halpert: Got it a week after we started dating.

[first lines]
Pam Beesly: W. B. Jones is renovating their offices, and their construction crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get.
Jim Halpert: So we had to park at a satellite parking lot
[tilts head]
Jim Halpert: over there.
Pam Beesly: Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Oh, today we saw a junkyard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.
Jim Halpert: Nature!
Oscar Martinez: I've been here nine years, now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away.
Andy Bernard: I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar!
Kevin Malone: [on the ground, rubbing his feet and crying angrily] I will quit. As God as my witness *I will quit*
[sniff]
Kevin Malone: if this is not fixed!
Pam Beesly: Some of us like the walk more than others.
Kevin Malone: [off-screen] Hurts like hell...


"The Office: Drug Testing (#2.20)" (2006)
Jim Halpert: [referring to Dwight's Volunteer Sheriff's uniform] You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks, girl.

Jim Halpert: I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight Schrute: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim Halpert: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight Schrute: I would remember.
Jim Halpert: [pretending to be serious] Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?
Dwight Schrute: That's not how it works.
Jim Halpert: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight Schrute: Knock it off, okay? I'm interviewing you.
Jim Halpert: No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?

Jim Halpert: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot, which is unfortunate, because, as it turns out, Dwight *finding* drugs is more dangerous than most people *using* drugs.

Jim Halpert: Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of The Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it.
[We see a clip of Jim talking to Pam after he had stayed quiet for her the entire day in a game of Jinx]
Jim Halpert: What is he getting out of that relationship?


"The Office: The Fight (#2.6)" (2005)
Michael Scott: And after that, nobody ever messed with the Damn Rascals ever again.
Jim Halpert: Sounds tough. When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, right?
Michael Scott: You're a jet?

Jim Halpert: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah.
[scoffs]
Michael Scott: Well, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim Halpert: You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?
Dwight Schrute: What belt are they?

Jim Halpert: The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so that we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight.

Michael Scott: Just hit me, you'll see.
Jim Halpert: I can't, 'cause I just got a manicure, so...
Michael Scott: Oh, queer!
[remembers he's on camera]
Michael Scott: Eye... "Queer Eye." That's a good show. Important show.


"The Office: Traveling Salesmen (#3.12)" (2007)
Karen: So, let me ask you a question.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Karen: Did you ever have a thing for Pam?
Jim Halpert: Pam? Did I ever have a thing for her? No. Why? Did she say something?

[Deleted scene]
Dwight Schrute: I like Karen. She's pretty... appears intelligent.
Jim Halpert: Well, I like pretty women... with the appearance of intelligence.

Jim Halpert: [after enduring a day tormenting Andy after Jim's nemesis Dwight resigns] I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.

Jim Halpert: [holding up old picture of himself and Dwight] Oh, young Jim. There's just so much I need to warn you about and yet, tragically, I cannot.


"The Office: The Return (#3.13)" (2007)
Michael Scott: Jim, could you come in here, please?
Harvey: Hi, Jim. I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.
Michael Scott: [laughing] I'm sorry. Oh, wow! That's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, you can.
Michael Scott: You know what? Get Pam.
Jim Halpert: For this?
Michael Scott: Pam!
Harvey: Pam, you look very hot today.
Jim Halpert: Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend.
Pam Beesley: Great.
Harvey: Me so horny. Me love you long tim.
Pam Beesley: Who's "long Tim"?
Harvey: Long time. Me love youa long time.
Jim Halpert: Oh, well, maybe "Youa" should bring "long Tim" in one day.
Harvey: You ruined a funny joke. You get out of my offive.
Pam Beesley: Okay. Bye, Harvey
Harvey: [long pause] Boobs.

Karen Filippelli: [walks into conference room where Jim sits alone, saying nothing] . Do you still have feelings for her?
Jim Halpert: [thinks on the question. Admitting to himself finally] Yes.

Jim Halpert: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe, you win.

Jim Halpert: Hey, Ryan, wanna play a trick on Andy?
Ryan Howard: Not right now. Ask me again about 10 years ago.
Jim Halpert: I liked you better as a temp.
Ryan Howard: Me, too.


"The Office: Office Olympics (#2.3)" (2005)
Jim Halpert: [Knocks on office door] Michael?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What's going on?
Jim Halpert: Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo.
Michael Scott: Oh, thanks, thanks. It's very cool. It's three bedroom, gay-friendly.

Jim Halpert: Very nicely done. Okay, so I think that's H.O.R. for Stanley and H.O. for Phyllis.
Phyllis: Are you calling me a ho?
Jim Halpert: Oh my God. Phyllis coming alive, I like it.

Jim Halpert: Stanley, I just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you? You got any games?
Stanley: Yeah, I got a game. It's called "work hard so my kids can go to college."
Jim Halpert: Fair enough.

Jim Halpert: This scented candle, which I found in the men's bathroom, represents the eternal burning of competition, or something.
Kevin: It smells like cookies.
Jim Halpert: Yes, it does. Yes, it does, my friend.


"The Office: Stress Relief (#5.13)" (2009)
Pam Beesly: We don't normally download movies illegally because we're honest, hardworking people.
Jim Halpert: And we don't know how.
Pam Beesly: But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Jim Halpert: Punishment fits the crime.

Dwight Schrute: [unfolds a letter from his jacket and reads from it] I state my regret.
Jim Halpert: You couldn't have memorized that?

Dwight Schrute: Attention, everyone, I just got a text from Michael. He says "personnel day." Are we hiring?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. You're being replaced.


"The Office: Local Ad (#4.5)" (2007)
Jim Halpert: You playing that game again?
Dwight Schrute: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It does have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.
Jim Halpert: Oh, it has losers.

Michael Scott: [at a meeting] Has anyone ever come up to you and said, "You're not creative"?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: Well, they're wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative, each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with.
[they all look around, confused]
Jim Halpert: Who are you talking to, specifically?

Jim Halpert: I think it's great that the company's making a commercial, because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers or muffins or mittens or... And frankly, all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.


"The Office: The Fire (#2.4)" (2005)
Jim Halpert: [leading games during a fire drill] All right, let's move on. Let's move on to the main event, "Who would you do?"
Kevin: Present company excluded?
Jim Halpert: Not necessarily.
Kevin: Pam.
Oscar: Pam.
[cut to look of shock on Pam's face]
Jim Halpert: Um... Okay. You know what? Maybe I'll finish explaining the rules. Let me explain it first and then...

Michael Scott: [the members of the office are playing a game of "Who would you do?"] Roy? Who would you do, Roy?
Roy: Oh, I got it. What's the name of that tight-ass Christian chick? The blonde?
Angela: [angrily] My name is Angela.
Roy: [without shame] Hey, Angela.
[gesturing to himself]
Roy: Roy, nice to meet you.
Michael Scott: All right, who's next? Who's next? Who's next? Who's... Jim? You're next. Who would you do?
Jim Halpert: [There is an awkward pause] Um, Kevin, hands down.
[the group begins to laugh]
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I mean, he's really got that teddy bear thing going on and afterwards we could just watch bowling.
Michael Scott: Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan,
[the group stops laughing and Ryan makes an uncomfortable expression]
Michael Scott: 'cause he's gonna own his own business.
Roy: [the camera pans to Roy who is the only one left laughing] You're all gay.

Dwight Schrute: Question: is there firewood on the island?
Jim Halpert: I guess.
Dwight Schrute: Then I would bring an ax, no books.
Jim Halpert: No, it has to be a book, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Fine. "Physician's Desk Reference."
Jim Halpert: Nice. Smart.
Dwight Schrute: Hollowed out. Inside, waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." No, "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban." Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash?


"The Office: Goodbye, Toby (#4.14)" (2008)
Jim Halpert: Dwight left his cell phone on his desk, so, naturally, I paired it to my headset.
Dwight Schrute: [while phone is ringing] Okay, fine, I'll just let it go to voicemail.
Jim Halpert: [Presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight.
Pam Beesley: Hey, is this Dwight?
Jim Halpert: Yes, it is.
Pam Beesley: Oh, my goodness, you sound sexy.
Jim Halpert: Oh, thank you. I've been working out.
Dwight Schrute: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Pam! Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now! You are talking to Jim.
Pam Beesley: Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: No! Pam, I'm over here!
Pam Beesley: I'm confused.

Michael Scott: Hey, what's the group that was from Scranton and made it big? Was that U2?
Jim Halpert: Yes.

Michael Scott: I am downloading some N3P...
Jim Halpert: That's not it.
Michael Scott: ...music...
Jim Halpert: Yup.
Michael Scott: ...for a CD mixtape...
Jim Halpert: Close.
Michael Scott: ...for Holly. And I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.
Jim Halpert: What are the two levels?
Michael Scott: The two levels being, "Welcome to Scranton" and "I love you."


"The Office: Safety Training (#3.19)" (2007)
Jim Halpert: [after seeing a Moonbounce castle and Michael up on the roof pretending he's about to kill himself] He's going to kill himself pretending to kill himself.

Jim Halpert: Hey, Michael, don't jump on the bouncy castle.

Dwight Schrute: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Jim Halpert: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and that he could use a hug.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Tell him that that's not true.
Jim Halpert: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, no, Jim.
Andy Bernard: [chuckles] You guys.
Dwight Schrute: Tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim, tell him!
[Andy walks away to his desk]
Jim Halpert: Andy... No, it's too far.
Dwight Schrute: [pause] Damn you.


"The Office: Performance Review (#2.8)" (2005)
Dwight Schrute: And I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday, and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go on Monday. Stupid.
Jim Halpert: Wait, wait, one thing. By tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right?
Dwight Schrute: Duh!
Jim Halpert: [to the camera] Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.

Pam Beesley: [trying to make Dwight think that it's Friday] Oh, my God, did you watch "The Apprentice" last night?
Jim Halpert: Of course. It's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it?
Pam Beesley: Can you believe who Trump fired?
Jim Halpert: No, that was unbelievable.
Dwight Schrute: Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?
Pam Beesley: You didn't see it?
Dwight Schrute: No. I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! Never go out on a Thursday night. What the hell was I thinking?
[Jim nods with satisfaction toward camera]

Jim Halpert: Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.


"The Office: Customer Survey (#5.6)" (2008)
[going into Michael's office to receive his customer reports]
Jim Halpert: That is me. Wish me luck.
Dwight Schrute: No way.
Pam Beesley: [on Jim's Bluetooth] Good luck.
Jim Halpert: Thanks.
Dwight Schrute: I didn't say anything.
Pam Beesley: I love you.
Jim Halpert: I love you, too.
Dwight Schrute: What do you think I'm saying to you?

Andy Bernard: Big idea, double wedding! Me, Angela, you, Holly.
Michael Scott: No. We would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, we'd never do that.
Michael Scott: Yeah, so there you go.

Michael Scott: [reading the customer survey] "Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant."
Jim Halpert: I think he means smug.
Michael Scott: Arrogance.
Jim Halpert: Michael, I'm just trying to...
Michael Scott: [interrupting] And there's our smudgeness.


"The Office: The Dundies (#2.1)" (2005)
Jim Halpert: What a great year for the Dundies. We got to see Ping and we learned Michael's true feelings for Ryan, which was touching. And we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs, which, for me, has ruined them for life.

Jim Halpert: What?
Pam Beesly: Nothing.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Pam Beesly: What?
Jim Halpert: I don't know. What?
[Pam falls out her chair]
Jim Halpert: Oh, my God! You are so drunk.

[giggles and slurps on drink]
Jim Halpert: I think those might be empty.
Pam Beesly: No, no, 'cause the ice melts, and then it's, like, second drink.


"The Office: Launch Party (#4.3)" (2007)
Andy Bernard: And then I will say something positive like "Kudos," or "Job well done."
Jim Halpert: Or, "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!"
Andy Bernard: I can't tell if he's mocking me.
Dwight Schrute: Just ignore him.
Andy Bernard: I can't do that. It's really hard for me to let things go.
Jim Halpert: I was mocking.
Andy Bernard: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.
Andy Bernard: Yes! Like a chime or a bell.
Jim Halpert: Or a gong.

Jim Halpert: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to back to this time before you met your desk-mate, Dwight."
Jim Halpert: And that's why I knew. You?
Pam Beesly: You came up to my desk, and you said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed-berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired."
Jim Halpert: That was the moment that you knew you liked me?
Pam Beesly: Yup.
Jim Halpert: Wow. Can we make it a different moment?
Pam Beesly: Nope.

Jim Halpert: A toast. I'm gonna make it good. To avoiding a class-two felony charge.


"The Office: Basketball (#1.5)" (2005)
Jim Halpert: God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.

Pam Beesley: I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive and he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday, so...
Jim Halpert: Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names, and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along.
Pam Beesley: Um... I think I'm gonna be up at the lake.
Jim Halpert: I think I'll see you at the mall. Yeah.

Michael Scott: I know. Grumble, grumble, but you would follow me to the ends of the earth grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from "Lord of the Rings."
Dwight Schrute: Gimli.
Michael Scott: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight Schrute: Just trying to be helpful.
Michael Scott: [mimicking Dwight] "I'll help. Elwyn Dragonslayer. Ten points, power sword."
Jim Halpert: That's him.


"The Office: Murder (#6.10)" (2009)
Jim Halpert: Once a year, Dwight holds a seminar updating us on the newest developments in the world of karate. Because, as we all know, the one thing that thousand-year-old martial arts do all the time is change.

Jim Halpert: Okay, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.
Dwight Schrute: That is correct, unless there happen to be measles present.

Pam Beesly: I think Michael may have snapped.
Jim Halpert: Or maybe he's just stuck in character.
Pam Beesly: Well, which is worse? Snapped or stuck?
Jim Halpert: Both. They're both worse.


"The Office: New Boss (#5.18)" (2009)
Dwight Schrute: Oh! Here's one. A string quartet playing classical music.
Michael Scott: You know, that's good, but that's not classy. I need something classy, like the opening of a car dealership.
Jim Halpert: That's it. Or Mr. Peanut.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Mr. Peanut is not classy.
Michael Scott: He is.
Dwight Schrute: He is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane, a monocle and a top hat.
Michael Scott: That's what makes him classy.

Charles Miner: What is a two-way petting zoo?
Jim Halpert: You pet the animals, they pet you back.

Jim Halpert: Okay, let's just try this one on for size, and I apologize, 'cause it's right off the top of my head. An ice sculpture of you completely surrounded by a variety of chocolate-covered fruits.
Michael Scott: Strawberries?
Jim Halpert: That's inspired.
Dwight Schrute: I said that!
[Dwight storms out]
Pam Beesly: Not classy.
Michael Scott: Not classy at all.
Jim Halpert: Déclassé.
Michael Scott: French! Classy.


"The Office: Sexual Harassment (#2.2)" (2005)
Michael Scott: Attention, everyone. Hello. Yes, I just want you to know that, this is not my decision, but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work-associated things. And you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression, I will no longer ever do any of those things.
Jim Halpert: Does that include "that's what she said?"
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm. Yes.
Jim Halpert: Wow, that is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...
Michael Scott: That's what she said!

Michael Scott: Man, that Todd Packer can do anything.
Jim Halpert: [mutters] Except pass that Breathalyzer.

Jim Halpert: Hey, what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This guy.


"The Office: Booze Cruise (#2.11)" (2006)
Michael Scott: I see the sales department as the furnace.
Phyllis: A furnace?
Jim Halpert: How old is this ship?
Pam Beesley: How about the anchor?
Phyllis: What does the furnace do?
Michael Scott: All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. It's just... It's the sales... I see the sales department are down there. They're in the engine room, and they're shoveling coal into the furnace. Right? I mean, who saw the movie "Titanic"? They were very important in the movie "Titanic." Who saw it? Show of hands.
Jim Halpert: Not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right?
Michael Scott: "Titanic."
Pam Beesley: I think you're thinking of "The Hunt for Red October."

Jim Halpert: Michael stands in front of the boat and says he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck.

Jim Halpert: [Michael's hands are tied to the rail of the Booze Cruise ship] What happened to you?
Michael Scott: Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
Jim Halpert: Right, 'cause you announced that his ship was sinking?
Michael Scott: Yeah. He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic.
Jim Halpert: What a night.
Michael Scott: Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged.
Jim Halpert: She was always engaged.
Michael Scott: Roy said the first one didn't count.
Jim Halpert: That's great. You know, to tell you the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam. So...
Michael Scott: Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow! I would have never put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that.
[sighs]
Michael Scott: You know I made out with Jan.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I know.
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah. Well, Pam is cute.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. She's really funny, and she's warm, and she's just... Anyway.
Michael Scott: Well, if you like her so much, don't give up.
Jim Halpert: She's engaged.
Michael Scott: BFD. Engaged ain't married.
Jim Halpert: Huh.
Michael Scott: [Uncharacteristically serious] Never, ever, ever give up.


"The Office: Branch Closing (#3.7)" (2006)
Jim Halpert: I worked in Scranton for a really long time and... It's gonna be weird that it's all disappearing. I mean, I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.

Jim Halpert: So, from time to time, I send Dwight faxes from himself from the future.
Dwight Schrute: [reading fax] Dwight, at 8:00 a.m. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: [sees Stanley about to drink the coffee and sprints across the office, knocking the cup out of Stanley's hand]
Dwight Schrute: No!
[after knocking the cup to the floor]
Dwight Schrute: You'll thank me later.


"The Office: Business Ethics (#5.2)" (2008)
Jim Halpert: Hey, Andy.
Andy Bernard: Yo.
Jim Halpert: By any chance, did you see "Battlestar Galactica" last night?
Andy Bernard: No, I did not. Was that any good?
Jim Halpert: Actually not. It was really so-so.
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
[Jim threatens with the stopwatch]
Andy Bernard: I mean, I like all the crazy monsters and stuff, you know, like Klingons and Wookiees and all that, but...
[Dwight turns to respond, but Jim shows the stopwatch again]
Jim Halpert: Sorry, was there something you wanted to add, Dwight?
Andy Bernard: Is that anything like the original "Battlestar Galactica"?
Jim Halpert: You know what's weird? It's practically a shot-for-shot remake.
Andy Bernard: Really? Huh. That's cool.
Jim Halpert: The story's kind of bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian...
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Jim Halpert: ...who needs to return the ring back to Mordor.
Andy Bernard: That doesn't sound right.

Oscar Martinez: Okay. Once in a while, I'll take a long lunch.
Michael Scott: A siesta.
Dwight Schrute: Time thief. Time thief. Fire him!
Jim Halpert: Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?
Dwight Schrute: Never.
Michael Scott: You are a thief of joy.


"The Office: Lecture Circuit: Part 1 (#5.14)" (2009)
Jim Halpert: Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight Schrute: They match the carpet.
Jim Halpert: What is that?
[reading a banner]
Jim Halpert: "It is your birthday," period.
Dwight Schrute: It is a statement of fact
Jim Halpert: Not even an exclamation point?
Dwight Schrute: This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.

Jim Halpert: I can't believe how bad this looks.
Dwight Schrute: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because, if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate twice the speed of a normal man's.


"The Office: Blood Drive (#5.16)" (2009)
Jim Halpert: I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't going to sweep themselves.

Michael Scott: Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest...
Jim Halpert: We do.
Michael Scott: ...that none of us can be a part of...
Pam Beesley: You can't be a part of our relationship, Michael.
Michael Scott: Then we are going to have our own private Valentine's Day party.
Jim Halpert: That sounds fun.
Michael Scott: So suck it.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Hey, everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely hearts convention this afternoon.


"The Office: Casual Friday (#5.24)" (2009)
Jim Halpert: I'm just hiding out until all this stuff blows over, with Creed, playing chess, at work. He's winning. I feel like I'm describing a dream I had.

Creed Bratton: So, hey, I want to set you up with my daughter.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed Bratton: I thought you were gay.
Jim Halpert: [clicks tongue] Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed Bratton: I don't know.


"The Office: The Injury (#2.12)" (2006)
Michael Scott: Dwight, what is your middle name?
Dwight Schrute: Danger.
Michael Scott: Something with a "K."
Jim Halpert: It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that.

Jim Halpert: I wanna clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill.


"The Office: Weight Loss (#5.1)" (2008)
Jim Halpert: I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork.

[Jim exits his car and runs to meet Pam under the overhang]
Pam Beesley: Hey, this is not halfway. I did the math. I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would have been closer, so you have to buy lunch.
[Jim drops to one knee]
Pam Beesley: What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: [holding out a jewelry box] I just can't wait.
Pam Beesley: Oh, my God.
Jim Halpert: Pam, will you marry me?
Pam Beesley: [laughing incredulously] Oh, my God!
Jim Halpert: So?
Pam Beesley: [nods happily] Yes!


"The Office: The Convict (#3.9)" (2006)
Andy Bernard: I am so horny.
Jim Halpert: [pause] Okay, I can't help you with that.
Andy Bernard: Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty, good for a romp in the sack.
Jim Halpert: She is dating Ryan, I think.
Andy Bernard: Oh, and I care why?
Jim Halpert: She's high-maintenance.
Andy Bernard: Next. How about... Angela? Blondes have more fun. Come on, trust me on that.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, trust *me*. That would be fun for no one.
Andy Bernard: Okay, fine.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Andy Bernard: Pam, the receptionist. Pam... should I go for it?
Jim Halpert: [pause, looks back at Pam, then back to his own desk] Absolutely, you should.
Andy Bernard: Jackpot.

Jim Halpert: What did you do, Prison Mike?
Michael Scott: [pretending he went to prison] I stole and I robbed and I kidnapped the President's son and held him for ransom.
Jim Halpert: That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.
Michael Scott: And I never got caught, neither.
Jim Halpert: Well, you were in prison, but... Mm-hmm.
Pam Beesley: Prison Mike, what was the food like in prison?
Michael Scott: Gruel sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.


"The Office: Todd Packer (#7.17)" (2011)
Dwight Schrute: All right, picture this. Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A rabid pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. There's only one hope for you: the door to my shelter. You pound. You beg. "Dwight, please let me in." But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You want to know why?
Jim Halpert: Because of the sign that says, "No pounding, no begging."

[deliberating how to get back at Todd]
Jim Halpert: All right, well, this isn't my best, but call Froggy 101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets. We give them a number to call for the tickets, and it's his number.
Dwight Schrute: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim Halpert: He... It's a crime-fighting beaver.


"The Office: Crime Aid (#5.4)" (2008)
Michael Scott: [sees office in disarray] Oh my god, what happened?
Jim Halpert: We were robbed last night.
Dwight Schrute: Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen. Motives: financial, or possibly vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out... and that's all we have.

Oscar Martinez: So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want.
Angela Martin: Who would *ever* come to this?
Michael Scott: I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be... uh, old person. I could be a looky-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan. What? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes, without saying... Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady, it seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy. There's really something going on...
Jim Halpert: [interrupts] Do you need us for any of this?
Michael Scott: ...Do I?


"The Office: Frame Toby (#5.8)" (2008)
Jim Halpert: It's got shag carpets. I mean, you can't blame my parents. It was the '70s. And why would you want to buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling and a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building?

Dwight Schrute: Brownies, is it?
[scoffs]
Dwight Schrute: Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No, thank you. I'll stick with my jerky.
Jim Halpert: So why'd you come in here?
Dwight Schrute: To socialize. And inform.


"The Office: Gay Witch Hunt (#3.1)" (2006)
Pam Beesley: I think we're just drunk.
Jim Halpert: No, I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?
Pam Beesley: No.

Jim Halpert: I ate a tuna sandwich on my first day, so Andy started calling me Big Tuna. I don't think any of them actually know my real name.


"The Office: E-Mail Surveillance (#2.9)" (2005)
Jim Halpert: It's true, I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, karaoke machine, and I didn't invite Michael. So, three ingredients for a great party.

Jim Halpert: My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up.
[takes a deep breath, shakes head]
Jim Halpert: He is very real.
[sighs]


"The Office: Search Committee (#7.24)" (2011)
Jim Halpert: He creeps me out, but I think he's a genius.

[Dwight interviews for Regional Manager position with his face covered in bandages and shades, handing Jim, Toby, and Gabe his résumé]
Jim Halpert: Hello, Mr. Souvenier. Mr. Jacques Souvenier? Nice to meet you. It says here you're French?
[Dwight nods, and Jo looks at the bandaged Dwight suspiciously, believing that it is really Dwight]
Jim Halpert: So you worked at your last job for 15 years as assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight Schrute: [Muttering to disguise his voice] Assistant regional manager.
Jim Halpert: Assistant *to the* regional manager.
Dwight Schrute: Assistant regional manager.
Jim Halpert: What is it?
Dwight Schrute: [in French accent] Assistant regional manager.
Jim Halpert: Oh, that's my mistake. Sorry about that. The last paper company you worked for burned to the ground? And all because they wouldn't hire a manager who lived and breathed paper. That's a travesty.


"The Office: The Convention (#3.2)" (2006)
Jim Halpert: You know, when I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key.

Jim Halpert: Dwight's room key. And Dwight's room. What can I say? Old habits die hard.
[opens door, sees a woman on the bed]
Angela Martins: D?
Jim Halpert: [closes door quickly] Oh, my God! Dwight got a hooker! Oh, my God, I gotta call... Well, I gotta call somebody, I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker!


"The Office: The Merger (#3.8)" (2006)
Jim Halpert: [in regards to "Lazy Scranton"] It reminds me of the orientation video Michael showed on my first day. "The Scranton Witch Project."
Michael Scott: [In the video] I am so scared when people don't label their personal food.

Kelly Kapoor: Oh, my God, I have so much to tell you!
Jim Halpert: Really?
Kelly Kapoor: Yes. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, they had a baby and they named it Suri, and then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, they had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing!
Jim Halpert: Great. What's new with you?
Kelly Kapoor: [blank stare] I just told you.


"The Office: The Alliance (#1.4)" (2005)
Jim Halpert: At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.
Dwight Schrute: [next scene] Did you get your tickets?
Jim Halpert: To what?
Dwight Schrute: The gun show.
[lifts up his sleeve and kisses his arm]
Jim Halpert: [back to interview] And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him but only in ways that would get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says, "No, Jim, here's a way."

Jim Halpert: You are not going to believe this.
Dwight Schrute: What? I believe it.
Jim Halpert: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
Dwight Schrute: I could tell from the body language.
Jim Halpert: [in the kitchen] That looks good. What is it? Turkey?
Kevin: Italian.
Jim Halpert: Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion. Provolone...
Kevin: Yeah.
[back outside]
Jim Halpert: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
Dwight Schrute: Good. Let 'em. That's fine. It helps our cause.
Jim Halpert: Well, I don't know, because if Kevin's in Accounting and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...
Dwight Schrute: They're forming an alliance.
Toby: [back in kitchen] I love their sandwiches.
Jim Halpert: I love their sandwiches too.
Kevin: Their bread's really good.
Jim Halpert: Their bread is very good.
Dwight Schrute: [back outside] Damn it. God. Gah!
[kicks car and car alarm sounds]
Jim Halpert: Okay, listen. We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight Schrute: God damn it! Why us?
Jim Halpert: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong!


"The Office: Dream Team (#5.20)" (2009)
Jim Halpert: Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically? I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.

Jim Halpert: Yep, I used to play soccer in school. From second to fourth grade. I was on the orange team.


"The Office: Nepotism (#7.1)" (2010)
Jim Halpert: Wow, that's a lot of keys.
Dwight Schrute: The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man.
Jim Halpert: That's right. The janitor said that.

Michael Scott: [about Luke's laser] Okay, can I have that?
Luke Cooper: No.
Michael Scott: Ok, I am going to count down from five.
Michael Scott: Five, four.
[Luke counts with him]
Michael Scott: I'm not kidding.
Luke Cooper: Three, two, one.
[Luke still mocking Michael with the counting]
Michael Scott: Give-okay. Alright, give it up.
Luke Cooper: No!
Michael Scott: [bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
Luke Cooper: What the...
Michael Scott: That's what you're going to do, Luke!
Luke Cooper: What the hell was that?
Michael Scott: I had to do that.
Luke Cooper: Hey,
[bleep]
Luke Cooper: this! Screw it!
Michael Scott: All right. Are we good?
[Luke runs out crying]
Michael Scott: You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.
Kevin Malone: That was awesome!
Stanley Hudson: Texas justice.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, your nephew is so lame.
Creed Bratton: He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean.
Jim Halpert: You follow him on Twitter?


"The Office: Pilot (#1.1)" (2005)
Jim Halpert: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt? Which is mixed berry.
Pam Beesly: Jim said mixed berries? Oh wow... Yeah, he's on to me.

Dwight Schrute: Damn it! Jim! He put my stuff in Jell-O again.
[Points to Michael]
Dwight Schrute: You can be a witness. Can you reprimand him, please?
Jim Halpert: [eating Jell-O] How do you know it was me?


"The Office: Moroccan Christmas (#5.10)" (2008)
Jim Halpert: Do you take requests?
Andy Bernard: Sure.
Jim Halpert: Please stop, because we're having a Christmas party.

Jim Halpert: They've been in there for 45 minutes.
Pam Beesly: I know. If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now.


"The Office: The Coup (#3.3)" (2006)
[the people at the Stamford branch are playing a computer game]
Josh Porter: This is not working, okay? We are getting slaughtered out there.
Andy: It's the new guy.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know what we're talking about.
Andy: See what I mean?
Josh Porter: We just need a strategy, okay? We're gonna set up a trap in the gunroom. All right? Jim, are you using the MP40 or .44?
Jim Halpert: Sniper rifle?
[Andy and Josh gets upset]
Josh Porter: [shouting] Snipe...
Andy: [shouting] What? Are you playing for the other team?
Josh Porter: [shouting] Jim! In Carentan? You don't snipe in Carentan, okay?
Andy: [shouting] It's saboteur! Saboteur!
Josh Porter: Andy, it's not...
Andy: I'm gonna kill you for real. This game, the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you.

Andy Bernard: [after Jim had just killed him in "Call of Duty"] Why did you do that?
Jim Halpert: I'm just killing Germans any way I can.
Andy Bernard: We're on the German team. Shoot the British.
Jim Halpert: [to Karen] Wait, are we playing teams?


"The Office: Company Picnic (#5.26)" (2009)
Jim Halpert: Hey, Dwight. Uh... Send in the subs.

Pam Beesly: Tell them what happened last year.
Jim Halpert: I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt.
Pam Beesly: No, no, that guy who hit on me.
Jim Halpert: Oh, right. Some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance.
Pam Beesly: [Pointing to her breasts] Yeah, you don't grab *these* for balance.
Jim Halpert: [considering] Well...


"The Office: Grief Counseling (#3.4)" (2006)
Andy Bernard: What are we doing? What's the game? I want in.
Jim Halpert: Oh, there's no game. We're just trying to get these chips for Karen.
Andy Bernard: Did you check the vending machine?
Karen Filippelli: Oh, the vending machines. How did we miss that?
Jim Halpert: I have no idea. We went right for the copier. And then we checked the fax machine.
Karen Filippelli: Yeah, nothing there.
Andy Bernard: Did you check your butt?


"The Office: The Job (#3.23)" (2007)
Dwight Schrute: I am going to be your new boss.
[chuckles]
Dwight Schrute: It is my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Checkout time is never.
Jim Halpert: Does my room have cable?
Dwight Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim Halpert: Can I change rooms?
Dwight Schrute: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim Halpert: Can I have a late checkout?
Dwight Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim Halpert: You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?
Dwight Schrute: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!
Jim Halpert: Okay. Just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy, you are in Hell, and you are co-running a bed-and-breakfast with the Devil.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert: Go.
Dwight Schrute: $80,000 a year.


"The Office: Michael Scott Paper Company (#5.21)" (2009)
Jim Halpert: The new receptionist is also named Kelly. So Kelly Kapoor has decided to hover around my desk so that she can run into Charles' office every time he calls for Kelly. She thinks that if she says "You wanted me" enough, he will, in fact, want her. It's not the worst plan she's ever had.


"The Office: The Secret (#2.13)" (2006)
Jim Halpert: Yeah, on the booze cruise, I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy, and had a couple of drinks, and I confided in the world's worst confidant.


"The Office: A.A.R.M. (#9.22)" (2013)
Jim Halpert: So what is the problem?
Dwight Schrute: Angela.
Jim Halpert: I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation.
Dwight Schrute: Some sort of virus?
Jim Halpert: Love.
Dwight Schrute: Oh.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.
Dwight Schrute: You're a good assistant, Jim.


"The Office: Goodbye, Michael (#7.21)" (2011)
Jim Halpert: So you guys are filming us when we go to the bathroom now?


"The Office: Diwali (#3.6)" (2006)
[Andy and Jim are very drunk, and Karen is not. Jim is slumped over at his desk and Andy is lying on the floor. He starts singing "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls]
Andy: I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains, I looked to the children...
Karen Filippelli: Andy, *no* a capella.
Andy: [pauses and then starts again] I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain...
[Jim joins in]
Jim Halpert, Andy: There's more than one answer to these questions / Pointing me in a crooked line
[Andy sits up and looks at Jim]
Jim Halpert, Andy: / Unless I seek my source / the closer I am to fine...
Karen Filippelli: Oh, come on, guys, please...
Jim Halpert, Andy: [singing] The closer I am to fi-iiiine!
Andy: [yells, delighted] TUNA! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?


"The Office: Counseling (#7.2)" (2010)
Jim Halpert: That's a really good idea Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor: What did I say?
Kelly Kapoor: [in the "confessional"] I talk a lot, so I learn to tune myself out.


"The Office: Broke (#5.23)" (2009)
Dwight Schrute: I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor.
[David sighs]
Jim Halpert: Really? Does he do good work or...
Dwight Schrute: [scoffs] No, Jim, I use a bad apiarist.


"The Office: Business Trip (#5.7)" (2008)
Jim Halpert: Pam comes back from New York next week, and everyone here is just so excited for me. And involved. And intrusive. And weird.


"The Office: The Negotiation (#3.18)" (2007)
[as Roy is leaving the office]
Kevin Malone: Jim! Roy! Look out!
Jim Halpert: Thanks, Kev.


"The Office: Gossip (#6.1)" (2009)
Jim Halpert: [about the guys doing parkour] The goal is getting from Point A to Point B as creatively as possible, so, technically, they are doing parkour as long as Point A is "delusion" and Point B is "the hospital."


"The Office: Dinner Party (#4.9)" (2008)
Jim Halpert: [to the camera crew] Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own seperate game. And it's called, "Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests." And they're both winning. So I am going to make a run for it.


"The Office: Back from Vacation (#3.11)" (2007)
Michael Scott: Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin Warehouse Inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it.
Angela Martin: By the end of the day? That's impossible.
Michael Scott: The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible."
Jim Halpert: Yep, it's English. It's "impossible."


"The Office: Cafe Disco (#5.25)" (2009)
Jim Halpert: There are other reasons to go to Ohio.
Pam Beesly: [interrupting] We're getting married today.
Jim Halpert: [laughs] So it turns out it's the closest place to get a marriage license without a three-day waiting period.
Pam Beesly: Tell them how it happened.
Jim Halpert: Okay, so we're going through all the wedding plans and, boy, it is complicated.
Pam Beesly: And very expensive.
Jim Halpert: Very expensive. 'Cause you say you want a small wedding and that's great, but then you have to...
Pam Beesly: You can't leave anyone out.
Jim Halpert: No one.
Pam Beesly: Okay, just get to the good part.
Jim Halpert: Right, so, this morning, we are having breakfast together and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, "You know what I want to do today? I want to marry you."
Pam Beesly: I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I know he meant it.


"The Office: The Deposition (#4.8)" (2007)
Pam Beesley: Kelly's trash-talking me because Darryl's beating you.
Jim Halpert: What? Seriously? What is she saying?
Kelly Kapoor: [looking back] Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball. Jim couldn't hit a Ping-Pong ball if it was the size of the moon. Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at Ping-Pong?


"The Office: The Client (#2.7)" (2005)
Jim Halpert: [last lines - to the camera] It's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiancé.


"The Office: Night Out (#4.11)" (2008)
Stanley Hudson: [the office workers find the gate has been locked] Did you not tell the security guard we were working late?
Jim Halpert: Nope. I didn't. But let's go inside and I can call him right now.
Pam Beesly: We can't. I locked the office from the inside when we left.
Stanley Hudson: Perfect. You guys worked together on this one. If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in one hour, you're both dead.


"The Office: Dunder Mifflin Infinity (#4.2)" (2007)
Jim Halpert: Wait a second, last time I checked, Dunder Mifflin already has a website.
[cut to Jim showing a web page on screen that reads Under Construction followed by a Dundler Mifflin logo, a stick figure of a man wearing a Santa hat drilling a hole and the words "Coming Christmas 2002!"]
Jim Halpert: And quite frankly, I'm not really sure what's wrong with it.


"The Office: Beach Games (#3.22)" (2007)
Michael Scott: [choosing team names for the company's beach day] We are going to choose team names. Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: We will be called Gryffindor.
Jim Halpert: Really? Not Slytherin?
Dwight Schrute: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
Jim Halpert: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.
Dwight Schrute: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? I wouldn't do that.
Jim Halpert: [with his team, while Dwight tells them not to] Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort.
Michael Scott: Idiots. Idiots. Okay, okay. Stanley, your team name?
Stanley: I don't care what you name my team.
Michael Scott: Then I will name your team the Red Team.
Stanley: No, the Blue Team.


"The Office: Conflict Resolution (#2.21)" (2006)
Jim Halpert: Hey, you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo ID taken together.
Dwight Schrute: That doesn't make any sense.
Jim Halpert: Well, it saves time, you know. 'Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning, walk in together. Perfect.
The Photographer: Smile.
Dwight Schrute: No.
[He stares right at camera as photographer takes the picture. To film crew]
Dwight Schrute: I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
Jim Halpert: This came out really well. There you go.
Dwight Schrute: This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And my middle name is Kurt, not fart.
Jim Halpert: What did I write?
[Dwight walks away while Jim smiles at camera]


"The Office: Take Your Daughter to Work Day (#2.18)" (2006)
Michael Scott: I'm Michael Scott and I am in charge of this place. How do I make you understand... I am like Superman. And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
Dwight Schrute, Jim Halpert: That's Batman.
Michael Scott: Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?
Jim Halpert: The ocean.
Michael Scott: [muttering] I work with a bunch of nerds.


"The Office: St. Patrick's Day (#6.19)" (2010)
Jim Halpert: I'm not surprised Dwight's using my baby to try to get my desk. I'm a little surprised that it's working.


"The Office: Koi Pond (#6.8)" (2009)
Jim Halpert: Michael, could see you in your office, please?
Angela Martin: No.
Jim Halpert: I wasn't asking *you*!


"The Office: Women's Appreciation (#3.21)" (2007)
Jim Halpert: [after he's been given a demerit] Like, what does a demerit mean?
Dwight Schrute: Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Jim Halpert: Lay it on me.
Dwight Schrute: Three demerits, and you'll receive a citation.
Jim Halpert: Now, that sounds serious.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, it is serious. Five citations, and you're looking at a violation. Four of those, and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that will land you in a world of hurt, in the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me, and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim Halpert: Which would be me.
Dwight Schrute: That is correct.
Jim Halpert: Okay. I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full dessaggelation.
Dwight Schrute: What's a dis... What's that?
Jim Halpert: Oh, you don't want to know.


"The Office: Fun Run (#4.1)" (2007)
Jim Halpert: One day, Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.


"The Office: The Duel (#5.11)" (2009)
Jim Halpert: [Addressing the camera] Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been 17 days. I mean, eventually he'll figure it out when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth.