David Brent
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Quotes for
David Brent (Character)
from "The Office" (2001)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Office: Downsize (#1.1)" (2001)
David Brent: Professionalism is... and that is what I want.

[Tim as a joke has put Gareth's stapler in a jelly]
Gareth: Tim's put my stapler inside a jelly again. That's the third time he's done it. It wasn't even funny the first time.
David Brent: Why has he done that?
Gareth: I told him once that I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves.
David Brent: Yeah. You showed him a weakness - he pounced. You should know about that... What is in there?
Gareth: It's my stapler.
[Gareth plunges his hand in to fish out the stapler]
David Brent: Well, don't do that... eat it out. There's people starving in the world, which I hate... and it's a waste so... How do you know it's yours?
Gareth: It's got my name on it in Tipp-Ex.
David Brent: Okay, don't eat it now then... chemicals.

David Brent: If a good man comes to me, and says thank you David, for the opportunity and continued support in the work-related arena, but I've done that, I wanna better myself, I wanna move on, then I can make that dream come true, to, AKA, for you.

David Brent: This is the accounts department, the number bods. Do not be fooled by their job descriptions, they are absolutely mad, all of 'em. Especially that one, he's mental. Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. Last place you'd want someone like that is in accounts...

David Brent: This is Sanj, this guy does the best Ali G impersonation, Aiiieee. I can't do it, go on, do it
Sanj: I don't, must be someone else
David Brent: Oh, sorry, it's the other one...
Sanj: The other what... Paki?
David Brent: Ah, that's racist.

David Brent: I'm going to have to let you go first.
Dawn: What? Why?
David Brent: Why? Stealing. Thieving.
Dawn: Thieving? What am I meant to have stolen?
David Brent: Post-It notes.

David Brent: What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went 'Mr Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?' Didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish.

David Brent: I haven't got a sign on the door that says 'white people only'. I don't care if you're black, brown, yellow - Orientals make very good workers.

Gareth: I'm assistant regional manager.
David Brent: Assistant to the regional manager.


"The Office: Work Experience (#1.2)" (2001)
[a pornographic picture with Brent's head superimposed on is discovered on someone's email]
David Brent: Who else has seen this filth?
[everyone puts their hand up, including Joan the cleaning lady]
David Brent: You haven't even got email, Joan.
Joan: Someone printed it out for me.
David Brent: Who printed this out for Joan?
[everyone puts their hand up again]
David Brent: Well. I'm angry. And not because I'm in it, but because it degrades women, which I hate. And the culprit, whoever he is, is in this room. Or she, it could be a woman. Women are as filthy as men. Not naming any names - I don't know any - but women... are... dirty.

David Brent: We have access to the internet. But it isn't censored, is that a good or a bad thing?
Gareth: Bad.
David Brent: Well, that's not for us to say. But I can type in, say, 'sex... fetish'. It takes a little while. There. two thousand, two hundred and thirty matches. Just click on one, at random. Aaaagh, there. 'Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs'. Now, you don't punish anyone, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs.
Gareth: If anything, they should be rewarded.
David Brent: They should be *equal*.
Gareth: Women are equal.
David Brent: I've always said that, so...

David Brent: [to Donna and Dawn] If you do have any trouble from the men, what does she do, Dawn?
Dawn: Kick them in the balls.
David Brent: Oh! Feminist.
Gareth: [jokingly] Get your bra off.
David Brent: [to Gareth, defensively] Do you want to go out, as well?
Gareth: Sorry, burn your bra. Feminists.

[Jennifer has just been insulted in the warehouse by the warehouse crew]
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: I just can't believe their total lack of respect.
David Brent: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not only did they undermine you in an authoritative sense, but they left an image in my mind of you naked on all fours literally being done doggy style.

David Brent: Look at this - "Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs". Now you do not punish a girl, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs.
Gareth: If anything they should be rewarded.
David Brent: No, they should be equal.

David Brent: Have you heard George Michael's latest release?
Tim: No.
David Brent: No? George Michael's latest song... his release, though...
Tim: Is it about blow jobs?
David Brent: Yeah, that thing in the toilet. It was a hand job...
Donna: Is it 'Wank Me Off Before You Go-Go'?

David Brent: Donna, yeah? My responsibility. Away from home. I know boys will be boys...
Gareth: Hands off.
David Brent: Yeah.
Gareth: Out of bounds.
David Brent: Yeah.
Gareth: Look but don't touch.
David Brent: [annoyed] What d'you mean by 'look'.
Gareth: Talk to her, be friendly, don't get any ideas.
David Brent: Yeah. Good.
Gareth: Yeah.
[pause]
Gareth: What if she's up for it?

David Brent: The thing is though, no-one's dispensable in my book, because we're like one big organism, one big animal. The guys upstairs on the phones, they're like the mouth. The guys down here, the hands.
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: And what part are you?
David Brent: Good question. Probably the humour.


"The Office: Training (#1.4)" (2001)
[David is singing a song he wrote]
David Brent: [singing] Little while later I see a cowboy crying, I said, "Hey buddy, what can I do?" He says, "I lived a good life, had about a thousand women." I said "Why the tears?", he says "'cause none of them was you."
Tim: What, you?
David Brent: No, he's looking at a photograph.
Tim: Of you?
David Brent: No, of his girlfriend. The video would have shown it.
Tim: Sorry. It just sounds a bit gay.
David Brent: It's not gay!

David Brent: We're both good in our own fields. I'm sure Texas couldn't run and manage a successful paper merchants. I couldn't do what-, well, I could do what they do, and I think they knew that, even back then. Probably what spurred them on.

Rowan: Gareth, quick trust exercise, ultimate fantasy?
Gareth: Hmm?
David Brent: We're just doing the ultimate fantasy, we're all doing it.
Gareth: Two lesbians probably, sisters. I'm just watching.
Rowan: OK. Erm. Tim? Do you have one?
Tim: I'd never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?

Rowan: I'm gonna play a very bad hotel manager who just doesn't care, and...
David Brent: Sorry, if it's a Basil Fawlty type character, well, er, maybe I should do it, just for the comedy.
Rowan: Let me play it, just to kick things off.
David Brent: Yeah, well I'll probably bring something to this role anyway.

Rowan: Hello, I'd wish to make a complaint.
David Brent: Not interested.
Rowan: My room is an absolute disgrace, the bathroom doesn't appear to have been cleaned.
David Brent: What room are you in?
Rowan: 362
David Brent: There is no 362 in this hotel... sometimes the complaints will be false.

David Brent: I'd like to make a complaint please
Rowan: Don't care
David Brent: Well I am staying at the hotel...
Rowan: Don't care, it's not my shift
David Brent: Well you're an ambassador for the hotel...
Rowan: I don't care
David Brent: I think you'll care when I tell you what the complaint is...
Rowan: I don't ca...
David Brent: I think there's been a rape up there.
David Brent: ...I got his attention. Get their attention.

Gareth: So, can you set fire to a postage stamp?
David Brent: No. In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender. A busdriver would have to accept that as currency.
Gareth: Yeah, that would happen.
David Brent: Well if he doesn't, report him.
Gareth: Yeah, I'll report him when I'm walking home.
Gareth: You can taxi, if you've got enough stamps.

[Brent believes anything with the Queen's image should be currency]
David Brent: In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender. A bus driver would have to accept that as currency.
Tim: Yeah, that'd happen.
Gareth: Well, if he doesn't, report him.
Tim: Yeah, I'll report him while I'm walking home.
Gareth: Get a taxi, if you've got enough stamps.
Dawn: Or cash 'em in at the Post Office.
David Brent: Shouldn't have to. Shouldn't have to.


"The Office: New Girl (#1.5)" (2001)
David Brent: Does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle? No, he turns up in a newer car - perception, yeah? They got to trust me - I'm taking these guys into battle, yeah? And I'm doing my own stapling.

David Brent: Me, lager. Finchy, Lager. Gareth, lager sometimes cider, so different drinks for different... needs.

David Brent: [to Karen] Don't worry, I haven't got any balls.

David Brent: And don't call my second in command an ass-faced-weasel.
Donna: A weasel faced ass.
David Brent: Same thing.
Donna: Well know it's not, would you rather have a face like an ass or a face like a weasel?
Gareth Keenan: [thinks about it] A weasel probably.

[Discussing Donna's relationship with Ricky]
Gareth: It's not as if she's your daughter or anything though...
David Brent: No but that's not the point. It's the principle, it was about respect.
Gareth: Showing a bit of respect...
David Brent: And while she's under my roof, she will obey my laws, so...
Gareth: Showing respect by obeying the law. She's legal, though.
David Brent: What?
Gareth: When cherries are red, they're ready for plucking. When girls are sixteen they're ready for...
David Brent: "Gareth."

[Donna & Ricky's relationship has been exposed]
Donna: So now you know.
David Brent: Yep. Brilliant.
Donna: What? You got a problem with Ricky?
David Brent: No, no, sleep with everyone in the office. He's not even a permanent member of staff. I'd have preferred it if you'd slept with Gareth.
Donna: It wouldn't happen.
David Brent: Oh Why? 'Cos he didn't go to university?
Donna: No, 'Cos he's a little weasel-faced arse.
David Brent: Yeah, you could do worse then Gareth. He hasn't missed one day in this office due to ill health. And don't call my second-in-command an arse-faced weasel, please?
Donna: A weasel-faced arse.
David Brent: Same thing.
Donna: Well no it's not. Gareth would you rather have a face like an arse or a face like a weasel?
Gareth: A weasel probably.

David Brent: This is the poem Slough, by Sir John Betjemen, probably never been here in his life. 'Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, it isn't fit for humans now.' Right, I don't think you solve town planning problems by dropping bombs all over the place, he's embarrassed himself there. Next 'In labour saving homes with care, their wives frizz out peroxide hair, and dry it in synthetic air, and paint their nails-' they wanna look nice, what's the matter, doesn't he like girls? 'And talks of sports and makes of cars, and various bogus Tudor bars, and daren't look up and see the stars, but belch instead.' What's he on about? What, has he never burped? 'Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, to get it ready for the plough. The cabbages are coming now, the earth exhales-' He's the only cabbage round here. And they made him a night of the realm. Overrated.


"The Office: Charity (#2.5)" (2002)
David Brent: Who says famine has to be depressing?

David Brent: Neil makes me laugh though, because, you know, it's his interfering, it's his timing. Going on about he wants some report doing-it's red nose day, you know. Ooh, what's more important, you Neil, with your report, or some starving children? Ooh I don't know. Ooh what would Lenny Henry say? I think we know-imagine him going out of the door on comic relief day and Dawn French is going 'Where you going, you haven't done the washing up. You haven't put the rubbish out.' 'Do it yourself I've gotta save some Africans.'

David Brent: I've sort of fused Flashdance with MC Hammer shit.

David Brent: What's the weather like up there?
Nathan 'Oggy: Oh I've heard that before.
David Brent: They must have put you in a grow bag when you were little did they?
Nathan 'Oggy: That's an old one.
David Brent: Let's grow ourselves a big lanky goggle-eyed freak of a son.
Nathan 'Oggy: All right calm down mate, there's no need to get offensive.
David Brent: No no, I was joining in...
Nathan 'Oggy: I didn't call you fatty as soon as I saw you.
David Brent: No I was joining in with...
Nathan 'Oggy: Just don't have a go at the eyes, cos that is a stigmatism I've had from the age of five, so that's what make them a bit bulbous, so don't just... I didn't call you the whale-man or like blubber-man.

[on Comic Relief Day]
David Brent: I've got the Slough Gazette coming to take a photo.
Gareth: What time are they coming down?
David Brent: About five-ish, so...
Gareth: They'll love us, won't they?
David Brent: No, I think it's just me, I've got something planned.
Gareth: But we can all be in it, though?
David Brent: No, not really, I called them, so...
Gareth: But they'll love us, all being stupid.
David Brent: Stop trying to worm your way into someone else's photo!

David Brent: [to Gareth] Stop trying to worm in on someone else's photo!

David Brent: You've seen me entertain, and raise money, but maybe I'd like to do that in the future for a living you know. Use my humour and my profile to both help and amuse people, you know. And if it's ideas for TV shows, game shows or whatever you want, I'm your man. I'm already exploring the entertainment avenue with my management training, but I'd like to do that on a global scale really. And that's not going 'Ooh, look at me today, I'm entertaining whilst saving lives aren't I brilliant?', it's going 'If you think I'm brilliant, then give generously and help save these guys who are starving, but are also brilliant'-not as entertainers, a lot of them can't even speak English, but you know don't give them their own game show, but save them from dying at least. And then maybe they could do something in their own country, on television or whatever they have, the wireless or I don't know, give them a job on the world service or something.


"The Office: Party (#2.3)" (2002)
David Brent: I prefer flan.

David Brent: I'm thirties.
Trudy: Yeah, but you've let yourself go a bit haven't you?
David Brent: I've let myself go a bit?
Trudy: Yeah.
David Brent: Look at yourself, you're an embarrassment love, to be honest.

David Brent: [David has just discovered a dildo hidden in his office while in a meeting with two business consultants] Excuse me, everybody. What am I doing in there, with a dildo? She says it's not hers. And I for one believe her. So whose is it?
[Trudy slowly puts her hand up]
David Brent: Well, what's it doing in there?
Trudy: Well it's a birthday present. But... I don't know what it's doing in there.
David Brent: [to the two consultants] There, you see. Practical jokes. Is it today, your birthday? Many happy returns. But, what have we learned from this?
Trudy: Not to leave your dildo lying around.
David Brent: Don't let it out of your sight. Because it could wind up...
[he accidentally flicks a switch and it starts oscillating]
David Brent: Oh, God. What do you do when it gets like that? Well, you probably...
[he hands it, still oscillating, to Tim]
David Brent: Could you... make sure it gets back to... her.

[Dawn is introducing consultants to David]
Dawn: David, this is Ray and Jude from... I'm sorry, I've forgotten where you're from.
Ray: Cooper and Webb.
David Brent: Who's Cooper and who's Webb?
Ray: Neither of us.
David Brent: I bet you get that all the time.
Ray: No.

David Brent: [notices the dildo Tim had hidden under a folder on Andy's desk] What's that?
Jude: It's a dildo.
David Brent: Is it yours?
[tries to hand it to her]
Jude: No!


"The Office: Merger (#2.1)" (2002)
David Brent: Big day today, Swindon mob are arriving. I've laid on a little do for them, part of the job. If you're asking me what vibe I'm gonna lay down it's gonna be very much just a 'chill out, let's get to know each other' type of vibe.

David Brent: Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier. You've got to chill out, yeah, trust me, this is what I do, all right? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant-fact. And you will never have another boss like me. Someone who's basically a chilled out entertainer.

Trudy: But why is it that only black people should be offended by racism?
David Brent: Good point... First sensible thing you've said all day.

Jennifer Taylor-Clark: So you're saying is that black people ought to be flattered that their only achievement in this world is having oversized genitalia?
David Brent: I'm saying they shouldn't be a ashamed of them.
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: It's a myth.
Gareth: I don't know, Jennifer I could show you a magazine where... literally...
[holds up his hand indicating large size]
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: Could you?
Gareth: Well, I haven't got it with me, but next time you're in...

David Brent: If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, I probably wouldn't say Einstein, Newton...
[struggles for word]
David Brent: . I'd go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. Sessions.


"The Office: The Quiz (#1.3)" (2001)
David Brent: People go, "Why is it important, a question about Mr. Spock?" Oh, I go, "It's like saying I've got a new pedigree dog breed. It's half Alsatian, half Labrador". I go on to Crufts, I go, "Can I enter this dog in the Labrador section?" "No." "Why?" "Because it's not a Labrador." "Correct." "Can I enter it in the Alsatian section?" "No. For the same reasons. Now get that dog out of my sight." "Thanks, I will. You've proved my point." And that's Crufts. All right.

[David, Gareth and Tim are discussing catchphrases]
Gareth: What ones are yours that I use?
David Brent: Same shit, different day, that's mine. Exsqueeze me, instead of excuse me.
Tim: Wank you very much.
David Brent: Yeah, I invented that.

[Arguing over the quiz result and request for a rematch]
Chris Finch: Right, I will throw anything you choose over this building. If I do it, we win the quiz. Right?
David Brent: Yeah, so you choose anything. If he can throw it over, we've won the champagne. And that's it. And that's the real quiz. Choose one thing.
Ricky: You really are a couple of sad little men, aren't you?
Gareth: Oh yeah, they're sad little men. He's thrown a kettle over a pub. What have you ever done?

Tim: I live with my parents
David Brent: Cherish them. Both of mine are dead. Well, my dad's not dead, but in a home, so good as.

David Brent: If someone's, ehm, unlucky you go: I'm not saying he's unlucky, but if he fell into a barrel of tits, he'd come up sucking his own thumb.
[giggles]
David Brent: Bit naughty, huh?
Gareth: Suck tits? I thought you sucked knobbs.
David Brent: Do ya?
[more high-pitched giggles]


"The Office: Appraisals (#2.2)" (2002)
Neil Godwin: You're acting like a petulant little kid.
David Brent: [shrugs] Young at heart.

David Brent: [Tim Canterbury is sitting down in David Brent's office to receive his appraisal] Tim Canterbury. The Canterbury Tales. By Chaucer. And Shakespeare.

David Brent: Today I'm doing the staff appraisals, and some people get a little bit nervous about that 'cos they think they're walking the long mile to put their head on the block. But they're wrong, it's a chance for them to tell me where we're going wrong. It's very much an opportunity...
Gareth: -to separate the wheat from the chaff
David Brent: Well, no, that sounds bad. It's not a witch-hunt, we're not trying to find out who the worst people are
Gareth: Well, we know who they are already
David Brent: Well, no
Gareth: I've written them down on my form
David Brent: You shouldn't have written them on your form
Gareth: I've underlined the worst ones
David Brent: You're missing the point
[looks at Gareth's form]
David Brent: Yep.

[Brent is reading Dawn his poem, Excalibur]
David Brent: I froze your tears, and made a dagger / and stabbed it in my cock, forever / it stays there like Excalibur / Are you my Arthur? Say you are.
Dawn: Good...
David Brent: Take this cool dark steeled blade / steal it, sheathe it in your lake / I'd drown with you to be together / Must you breath? 'Cause I need heaven.
Dawn: Ahhhh... it's powerful.
David Brent: Very. And double meanings - did you get the double meanings?
Dawn: I did.


"The Office: Judgement (#1.6)" (2001)
David Brent: Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I've been promoted, so... every cloud. You're still thinking about the bad news aren't you?

Jennifer Taylor-Clark: I know that you're very loyal to your family here.
David Brent: I'd be loyal to his family, it's one big family.
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: I'm just sensitive to the fact that you have strong, let's say emotional ties to your team.
David Brent: Well, yeah, but there is the emotion as good in business syndrome, sure, notwithstanding the cruel to be kind scenarios...
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: I'm sorry David, you've lost me.
David Brent: Well, you're not looking at the whole pie Jenny. Wernham-Hogg is one big pie, and if they've let me in charge of that one big pie, then I'll be in charge of the pie, and the people are the fruit...
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: I don't have time for the pie thing David.
David Brent: Yeah, oh, well I'll take the job please.

[in a meeting, discussing the board voting 5-2 in favour of Brent taking Taylor-Clark's job]
David Brent: What's five out of seven as a percentage?
[Brent checks calculator]
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: Er... 70%.
David Brent: 71.4. So...
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: Call Susan and arrange the meet with the board and finalise all the details. Congratulations and good luck.
David Brent: You don't need luck when you've got 71.4% of the population behind you.

David Brent: You grow up, you work half a century, you get a golden handshake, you rest a couple of years and you're dead. And the only thing that makes that crazy ride worthwhile is 'Did I enjoy it? What did I learn? What was the point?' That's where I come in. You've seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything's possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don't do it so they turn round and go 'Thankyou David for the opportunity, thankyou for the wisdom, thankyou for the laughs.' I do it so, one day, someone will go 'There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him.'


"The Office: Christmas Special: Part 2 (#3.2)" (2003)
[Brent is waiting for his Blind Date to show up]
David Brent: I don't know what to expect, to be honest. I haven't been impressed so far. Erm, I hope their vetting them, because the computer seems to be throwing up any old rubbish. It's like they haven't put me in the right category or something because, you know. Oh fuck. I don't believe it, look at his.
[the camera turns to reveal a fat woman walking towards David]
Woman: Hello.
David Brent: Hiya.
Woman: All right?
David Brent: Yeah.
Woman: Is Monkey in there?
David Brent: [can't hide his surprise and relief] Oh yeah.
Woman: You all right?
David Brent: Yeah, I was expecting a blind date, and was worried you were it.

Neil Godwin: No dog with you today David?
Chris Finch: Didn't you see her? She just left.
[Neil and Chris start laughing at David]
David Brent: Chris, why don't you fuck off?
[Neil and Chris are left in stunned silence]

Interviewer: How would you like to be remembered?
David Brent: Simply as the man who put a smile on the face of everyone he met.


"The Office: Interview (#2.6)" (2002)
Helena: Private life then, just to flesh out David Brent the man. Is there a better half?
David Brent: David quipped: why buy a book when you can join the library?
Helena: So you play the field?
David Brent: Well... I don't like using chicks and shit, but I'm just chilling out while I'm young I suppose.
Helena: And is there a chick in tow at the moment?
David Brent: Ooh, I don't kiss and tell.
Helena: I'm just trying to find out if you're in a relationship at the moment.
David Brent: Brent says: no comment.
Helena: Right, so you don't have a girlfriend?
David Brent: Well, what is a "girlfriend"?
Helena: I don't know, someone you'd have sex with?
David Brent: All right don't get coarse, in a magazine for the public. I don't think you'll win a Pulitzer, for filth.

David Brent: 'If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain'. Do you know which philosopher
[makes quotation marks with fingers]
David Brent: said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.

David Brent: If you want the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain - do you know which philosopher said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.


"The Office: Search Committee (#7.24)" (2011)
[Extended Version of the episode. David Brent interviews for Jim, Gabe, and Toby via webcam as he monologues]
David Brent: Name: David Brent. Occupation: Inspirer. Status: None of your business. Young, free, and single, though. Thanks for asking. Hear you're looking for a new boss, yeah? Someone to tell a bunch of discontented, under-encouraged drones what to do every day. Is that it? Oh. Our out-of-touch powers that be. Want me to fire them? They don't see things your way? Then I ain't that dude. Bye-bye, baby, bye-bye. Get some other corporate suit to lay down the law. What? You've changed your mind? You're now looking for a leader of men? Ipso facto. Women, too. When do I start? Huh?


"The Office: Motivation (#2.4)" (2002)
David Brent: You're all looking at me, you're going, "Well yeah, you're a success, you've achieved you're goals, you're reaping the rewards, sure. But, OI, Brent. Is all you care about chasing the Yankee dollar?" Let me show you something I always keep with me. Just a little book, Collective Meditations, and it's a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers, native American wisdom, which I, and it's really showing you that, er, the spiritual side needs as much care and attention as the physical side. It's about feeding the soul, yeah? Evolving spirituality. And a foreword by Duncan Goodhew, so... Can I read one-which I think- "If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place, most would be glad to take each, his own, home again, rather than take a portion out of the common stock." It's saying, for the first time, you know, the grass isn't always greener on the other side, don't look over your neighbour's fence and go "ooh he's got a better car than me, ooh, he's got a more attractive wife." We all wake up and we go "oh, I ache, I'm not 18 any more, you know, I'm thirty ni- you know, I'm in my thirties, I'm not-", but so what, at least I've got my health. And if you haven't got your health-if you've got one leg, at least I haven't got two legs missing. And if you have lost both legs and both arms, just go "at least I'm not dead. I'd rather be dead in that situation, to be honest. I'm not saying people like that should be... you know, put down. I'm saying that, in my life, I'd rather not live without arms and legs because... I'm just getting into yoga, for one thing. So...


"The Office: Christmas Special: Part 1 (#3.1)" (2003)
[Brent is drunk in his motel room]
David Brent: But, you know, Neil will make one too many mistakes. Head Office will see what I already knew, and they go in there, they will march in there. They go, Right, yeah, David was right. You've pissed off him and you've pissed off him. You're not the manager you thought you were. Okay. So get out, we made the mistake. Then they drag him out by his hair and that's when the begging starts. They'll come to me and say, Ooh, David you were right all along, you were the right man for this job, you're the best man for this job. Will you come back? I'll be like, yeah sure how much money have you got? Because this is going to cost you, this is going to cost you.