Quotes for
Michael Scott (Character)
from "The Office" (2005)

"The Office: Casino Night (#2.22)" (2006)

Michael Scott: Oh, and another fun thing. We - at the end of the night - are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts, right Toby? We're gonna...
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse, and... it's a school night, and, you know, Hooters is catering, you know... is that... is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael Scott: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun... or exciting, you make it *not* that way. I hate... so much about the things that you choose to be.

Michael Scott: [to Toby] I hate, so much, about who you choose to be.

Darryl: [explaining to Michael why he doesn't want fire-eaters in the warehouse for Casino Night] We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.
Michael Scott: That's ironic.
Darryl: What?
Michael Scott: That *you* are afraid.
Darryl: Why? Cause I'm from da hood?
Michael Scott: Dinkinflicka.
Darryl: [to film crew] I taught Mike a few phrases to help him with his "interracial" conversations. You know like "fleece it out," "going Mach 5," "dinkinflicka." You know, things us Negroes say.
Michael Scott: Gimme some.
[Mike and Darryl do choreographed handshake]
Darryl: [laughing] Oh yeah, I taught him a handshake too.

Michael Scott: ...Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to... drop a deuce on everybody.

Michael Scott: Comedy's very much alive... as are homeless people.

Michael Scott: There are certain topics that are off limits to comedians: JFK, Aids, the Holocaust. The Licoln assassination just recently became funny-I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head. And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious Aids joke. Still one of my dreams.

Michael Scott: Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we're, we remain good friends. Good friends with privileges - not now, someday.

Michael Scott: AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently, it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim Halpert: The aid to Afghanistan?
Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: That's a dog.
Pam Beesley: No, that's "afghan."
Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
Dwight Schrute: Canine AIDS?
Michael Scott: No
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanistanannis.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

Michael Scott: Two queens on casino night... I'm going to drop a deuce on everybody.

Michael Scott: Oh, and another fun thing: we, at the end of the night, we are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna...
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse, it's a school night, and you know, uh... Hooters is catering. You know, is that not - is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael Scott: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it... not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay.

Michael Scott: Why are you here?
Dwight Schrute: You said when Darrell was coming that you wanted me here for protection.
Michael Scott: I said... no such... thing.

Michael Scott: Hey, Carol, how goes the real estate 'biz? Is it real good?
Pam Beesley: Still me.

Michael Scott: Jan Levinson, I presume?
Pam Beesley: Still me.

Michael Scott: Love triangle. Drama. It all worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl! Who saw that coming? I did!

Michael Scott: I am not your boss tonight. Lady Fortune is your boss tonight.
Stanley: Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?
Michael Scott: Just shut it.

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently, it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim Halpert: Nope, I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: That's a dog.
Pam Beesley: No, that's "afghan."
Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
Dwight Schrute: Canine AIDS?
Michael Scott: No, humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanistanis.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

---

"The Office: Money (#4.4)" (2007)

Michael Scott: Used to have two cars, traded 'em in, now we're down to one. Good economic sense, although the new cars a Porsche... for her.

Michael Scott: Yes, money has been a little bit tight lately. But at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No, I'm gonna be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums.

Figgero: This is a trading game! You give a quick pitch! You make the sale and move on. That's how Vikram does it.
Michael Scott: Vikram doesn't have my people skills.
Figgero: Well, good for Vikram, because he outsells you every night.

Michael Scott: I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me.

Michael Scott: I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American Dream is that you can just... go to sleep. And try it all again the next night.

Creed Bratton: Hey, cous. Heard you're havin' money problems.
Michael Scott: No, you didn't.
Creed Bratton: Listen, I got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.
Creed Bratton: Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to
[holds up fake passport]
Creed Bratton: William Charles Scheider.
Michael Scott: How would that help, Creed? In Monopoly, you go bankrupt, you lose.
Creed Bratton: You don't go by monopoly, man! That game is *nuts*! You don't just pick up "Get out of jail free" cards! Those things cost thousands!
Michael Scott: That is a good point.
Creed Bratton: Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start, it's a clean slate.
Michael Scott: Like the Witness Protection Program!
Creed Bratton: [simultaneously] Exactly!
Oscar Martinez: [simultaneously] Not at all.

[last lines]
Michael Scott: Don't sell your implants, Jan.
Jan Levinson: I won't. I know you like 'em.

Michael Scott: Hey guys, what you talking bout?... Ok I know what's going on. You're talking bout Jim and Pam, if they're having sex; what it looks like. I think...
Pam Beesley: Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh hey... hi.

Oscar: Hey; I just wanted you to know that you can't just say bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.
Michael Scott: I didn't say it, I declared it.

Jan Levinson-Gould: So I forgot to tell you I need the car tonight.
Michael Scott: Um actually I need the car.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Why? For improv - well why don't you just pretend that you have a car?

Oscar: Michael, are you having money problems?
Michael Scott: Monkey problems? No, I'm not having monkey problems; why would I have monkey problems.
Oscar: I know you heard me correctly.
Michael Scott: [sighs] Oh I hate monkeys.

Ryan Howard: What I really want, honestly Michael, is for you to know it, so that you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael Scott: [chuckles] Okay.
Ryan Howard: What?
Michael Scott: It's 'whoever', not 'whomever'.
Ryan Howard: No, it's 'whomever'.
Michael Scott: No, 'whomever' is never actually right.
Jim Halpert: Sometimes it's right.
Creed Bratton: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy Bernard: No. Actually, 'whomever' is the formal version of the word.
Oscar Martinez: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael Scott: [to camera] Not a native speaker.
Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

[in the conference room, the office workers are discussing the correct use of 'whoever' vs. 'whomever']
Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
Ryan Howard: Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin Malone: I don't know.
Pam Beesly: It's 'whom' when it's the object of the sentence and 'who' when it's the subject.
Phyllis Lapin: That sounds right.
Michael Scott: Well, it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley: How did Ryan use it, as an object?
Ryan Howard: As an object.
Kelly Kapoor: Ryan used *me* as an object.
Stanley: Is he right about that...?
Pam Beesly: How did he use it again?
Toby Flenderson: It was... Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object...
Michael Scott: Thank you!
Toby Flenderson: - to whomever, meaning us, the indirect object... which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael Scott: No one asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.

Michael Scott: I owe you an apology.
Pam Beesly: You finished the movie.
Michael Scott: Yeah, it was awesome. Big surprise ending. Won't ruin it for you.
Pam Beesly: No, go ahead.
Michael Scott: Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never saw it coming. Anyway, if I was mean in any way to you, I'm sorry. I just want what's best for you, Manuschka.
Pam Beesly: [mouths the word "Manuschka" to the camera, trying to figure out what he means]
Pam Beesly: [later] Mo Cuishle! He's watching "Million Dollar Baby"!
[pause]
Pam Beesly: He's gonna try to kill me.

Michael Scott: Hey, congrats on the bonus.
Vikram: Thank you, Michael.
Michael Scott: I'm gonna nab it one of these nights.
Vikram: Well, if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah.

---

"The Office: Sexual Harassment (#2.2)" (2005)

Michael Scott: [Questioning the company's sexual harassment policy] What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she came in with her "partner?" Would that be "crossing the line?"
Toby: No.
Michael Scott: What if they made out, in front of everyone...
Toby: Well, that's...
Michael Scott: ...at home and I told everyone everything about it?
Toby: Ok, I'm lost.
Michael Scott: Ok, well, let's act it out. Pam? You will be Girl A and Girl B will be...
[scans the room, but finds no on attractive]
Michael Scott: Ok, we'll use the doll
[grabs inflatable doll]
Michael Scott: Ok, Pam? Paaaaammmm?
[Shot of Pam looking horrified]

Michael Scott: That's what she said.

Michael Scott: We can no longer be friends and when we talk about things here we must only discuss,ah, work associated things, and uh, we can consider this my retirement from comedy and in the future if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression I will no longer EVER do any of those things.
Jim Halpert: Does that include "That's what she said?"
Michael Scott: Mmm hmm yes.
Jim Halpert: Wow that is really hard, you really think you can go all day long. Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...
Michael Scott: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

Michael Scott: Man, that Todd Packer could do anything.
Jim Halpert: [mutters] Except pass that breathalizer.

Michael Scott: Attention everyone. Hello? Ah, yes. I just want you to know that, ah - this is not my decision - but from here on out we can NO longer be friends. Aaaand when we talk about things here, we must only discuss, uh, 'work-associated' things. And, ah, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And, in the future, if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression, I will no longer... EVER... do... any of those things.
Jim Halpert: Does that include 'that's what she said'?
Michael Scott: Mmm-hmm, yes.
Jim Halpert: Wow, that is really... hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...
Michael Scott: ...THAT'S what she said. Hahahahaha.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Michael... Michael. Please... please...
Michael Scott: Hahahahaha.

Michael Scott: [On the sexual harassment policy] Times have changed a little and as much as we are a family here at Dunder Mifflin, there comes a time when the Daddy cannot take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.
Pam Beesley: [Cut to shot of Pam] He said WHAT?

Michael Scott: Todd Packer and I are BFFs: Best Friends Forever. We started here together, we came up as salesmen together. There was this one time when we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers.
[Giggles]
Michael Scott: And so, one thing led to another and we took them back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome.

Michael Scott: I love Phyllis. I think Phyllis is beautiful, and I am not afraid to let anyone know that. In fact, the only thing I am afraid of, is gettin a boner.

Michael Scott: A guy goes to a 5 dollar lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day he goes back to complain and the woman says 'hey, it was only 5 dollars. What did you expect - Lobster?'

Michael Scott: Man, Todd Packer can do anything.
Jim Halpert: Except pass a breathalyser.

Michael Scott: I am King of forwards; it's how I like to do business. Everybody joking around. We're like F.R.I.E.N.D.S- I am Chandler and Joey and Pam is Rachel and Dwight is Kramer.

---

"The Office: The Carpet (#2.14)" (2006)

Michael Scott: I am a victim of a hate crime. I think Stanley knows what I'm talking about.
Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is.
Michael Scott: Well, I hated it! A lot!

Michael Scott: You know, I'm starting to think that what happened in my office was an act of terrorism. It's the only thing that makes any sense.

Michael Scott: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh, no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."

Michael Scott: You know, it would probably be best if the person responsible would just come forward and accept their punishment.
[Everyone looks around at each other]
Michael Scott: All right, you're all going to be punished.
Pam Beesley: What's our punishment?
Michael Scott: You're all in time-out. Just sit there quietly.
[Phyllis' phone rings and she starts to answer it]
Michael Scott: Nooooooooo!

Michael Scott: I am a big Fear Factor fan. Um... I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually.

Michael Scott: Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. Could be done out of hate, could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And well she doesn't do a very good job obviously because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her.

Michael Scott: I swore to myself if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh as they saw me coming, and they'd applaud as I walked away.

Michael Scott: Do you remember Ed Truck?
Creed: Sure, he hired me. How's he doing?
Michael Scott: How would I know?
Creed: I thought you might.
Michael Scott: My biggest fear is turning into him.
Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.
Michael Scott: I wasn't talking literally Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you?

Michael Scott: Creed, do you remember Ed Truck?
Creed: Sure, he hired me. How's he doing?
Michael Scott: How would I know?
Creed: I thought you might.
Michael Scott: My greatest fear is turning into him.
Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.
Michael Scott: Ugh, not literally. Yes, being buried alive would be much worse, happy? God, why I am talking to you?

---

"The Office: Gay Witch Hunt (#3.1)" (2006)

Dwight Schrute: You could suppose everyone in the office were gay
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them gay.

Michael Scott: We're all homos. Homosapiens

Michael Scott: We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature but we can't loose the spirit of child-like wonder. What is love, anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan or Oscar and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other what should get in their way?

[after extensively discussing Oscar's homosexuality]
Michael Scott: At least we put this matter to bed. That's what she said.
[pauses, nods contemplatively]
Michael Scott: Or he said.

Michael Scott: [after getting in trouble for harassing Oscar for being gay] Look, I watch The L Word. I watch Queer As Fuck, okay?

Michael Scott: I would never have called Oscar faggy had I known he was gay. You don't call retarded people "retards". That would be in bad taste. You call your friends "retards" when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar to be my friend.

Michael Scott: [watching Oscar get into a man's car in the parking lot] There's Oscar's roommate. Hmm. I wonder if he knows.

Michael Scott: [Michael has called Oscar a faggie without knowing Oscar is gay] Listen man, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I just feel terrible about it. I have been calling people faggie since junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it's because I'm just so far the opposite way. It's just, I can't even imagine... the thing. Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime, and you can tell me how you do that to another dude.
Oscar: That sounds like a wonderful idea, let’s do that.

Michael Scott: Can you tell who's gay and who's not?
Dwight Schrute: Of course.
Michael Scott: What about Oscar?
Dwight Schrute: Absolutely not.
Michael Scott: Well... he is.
Dwight Schrute: Well he's not dressed in women's clothes so...

---

"The Office: Fun Run (#4.1)" (2007)

Michael Scott: I'm not superstitious... I'm a little stitious.

Michael Scott: [eating cereal] Jan made me breakfast.

Ryan Howard: [talking about Michael hitting Meredith with his car] Did this happen on company property?
Michael Scott: Yes. It was on company property, with company property. So double jeopardy, we are fine.
Ryan Howard: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael Scott: Oh right, I'm sorry, what is we're fine?

Michael Scott: Meredith was hit by a car. It happened this morning in the parking lot; I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could - and she is going to be ok.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why'd you have to phrase it like that?

Michael Scott: [narrating] People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart. And while I eventually puked my guts out... I never puked my heart out.

Michael Scott: Man, what a day, huh? How could it get any worse? The computer crashes with the porn and then Meredith with the accident and then... Sprinkles! God. That's three things. I'll tell you what's going on... this office is cursed.

Pam Beesly: [trying to sound inspirational] I know you Michael... I saw you naked.
Michael Scott: [still very depressed] You don't... You don't know me. You've just seen my penis.

Michael Scott: Finishing that 5K was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I ate more fettuccini alfredo, and drank less water than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit. Well today I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts, my heart and well I eventually puked my guts out. I never puked my heart out, and I am very proud of that.

Michael Scott: So, Ryan got promoted to corporate where he is a little fish in a big pond whereas I am still top dog in a fairly large pond. So, who is the real boss - a dog or a fish?

---

"The Office: Safety Training (#3.19)" (2007)

Michael Scott: Heart disease kills more people than balers.
Lonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael Scott: No, no, it's...
Lonny: Yeah, yeah. That's fat butt disease. That's what you suffering from? Fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly Kapoor: Excuse me, Sea Monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
Lonny: Yeah?
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah.
Lonny: I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?
Kelly Kapoor: Ryan!
Lonny: Dude, please tell your girl to shut up.
Kelly Kapoor: What?
Ryan Howard: Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please, apologize.
Kelly Kapoor: Are you kidding me?

Darryl Philbin: We do safety training every year. Or after an accident. We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...
[cut to Michael]
Michael Scott: [laughing hysterically] Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?

[Michael is on the roof and Dwight is below with a bullhorn]
Michael Scott: My life! Oh, my life!
Dwight Schrute: Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything's wrong! The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression.
Dwight Schrute: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling "bummed-out"?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut! Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year, according to a 2004 study.
Dwight Schrute: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael Scott: Yes.

Michael Scott: Darryl thinks he's such a man because he works in a warehouse. Well big deal! I worked in a warehouse, *Men's* Wearhouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people, probably make them feel like wimps. Not me. I - "Hello. I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Wearhouse. We have a special on khaki pants today." It's just one example.

Darryl Philbin: [during safety training] How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in the bailer?
Michael Scott: Bail her? I hardly know her.

Michael Scott: [comparing the warehouses's safety training to theirs] They used props and they used visual aids and they just made us look like dopes.
Dwight Schrute: Idiots! God what are we going to *do*?
Michael Scott: I don't know, I don't know, because you know what our killer is?
Michael Scott: [simultaneously] Depression.
Dwight Schrute: [simultaneously] Wolves.
Michael Scott: ...depression.
Dwight Schrute: Visual aides?
Michael Scott: Yes!
Dwight Schrute: A quilt - a depression quilt?

Michael Scott: [after throwing a watermelon onto a car by accident] Oh crap, deactivate the car alarm, clean up the mess,
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Michael Scott: Find out whose car that is; if it's Stanley's call the offices of James. P Albini and see if he handles hate crimes.

Darryl Philbin: [trying to talking Michael out of jumping off the roof] Mike, you're a very brave man, I mean it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you.
Michael Scott: Do you really mean that?
Darryl Philbin: I couldn't do it! I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.

Michael Scott: [during safety training] Seasonal Affective Disorder - a depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability brought on by the low light of winter.
Darryl Philbin: Thank God we only had the Bailer to deal with.
Lonny: Yeah that dim light is a *bitch*.

---

"The Office: Beach Games (#3.22)" (2007)

Michael Scott: Ugh... who's ahead in points?
Pam Beesly: Well, I think they're even. At various times you gave Jim 10 points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those to...
Michael Scott: Check to see if there's a conversion chart.
Pam Beesly: ...I really doubt it Michael.
Michael Scott: Please just check.

Michael Scott: I want today to be a beautiful memory that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it... then it'll suck.

Pam Beesly: Hey! I want to say something. I've been trying to be more honest lately, and I just need to say a few things. I did the coal walk. Just... I did it. Michael, you couldn't even do that. Maybe I should be your boss. Wow, I feel really good right now... Why didn't any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you... that really sucked. It's like sometimes some of you act like I don't even exist. Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends. And things are just, like, weird between us... and that sucks. And I miss you. You were my best friend before you went to Stamford. I really miss you. I shouldn't have been with Roy... and there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is, I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you. And now you're with someone else, and that's... fine.
Michael Scott: Pam, that was amazing, but I'm still looking for someone with a sales background.

Michael Scott: Everybody, may I have you attention please? Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.
Stanley Hudson: Oh, sweet mother of God.
Michael Scott: If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.
Stanley Hudson: Excuse me?
Michael Scott: Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus.

[Discussing his chosen team leaders]
Michael Scott: Jim Halpert. Pros: Smart, cool, good-looking... remind you of anybody you know? Cons: Not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project and he will finish the same project in a half-an-hour... so that should tell you something.

Michael Scott: Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume.
Oscar Martinez: I don't wear a Speedo, Michael.
Michael Scott: Well, you can't swim in leather pants.

Michael Scott: What happens to a company if somebody takes its boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It's like what happens to a chicken, when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills, to be, a chicken head."

Michael Scott: We are going to choose team names. Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: We will be called Gryffindor!
Jim Halpert: Really? Not Slytherin?
Dwight Schrute: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
Jim Halpert: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.
Dwight Schrute: [fearfully] He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? I wouldn't do that.
Jim Halpert: [starts chant, everyone joins in] Voldemort! Voldemort! Voldemort! Voldemort! Voldemort!
Dwight Schrute: [looks around, scared] Okay, seriously, you really shouldn't be saying that.

---

"The Office: Diversity Day (#1.2)" (2005)

Michael Scott: [on a videotape] Hi, I'm Michael Scott and I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania. But, I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because 'Today is Almost Over.' Abraham Lincoln once said, "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me into the workplace.

Michael Scott: [during Diversity Day] God, I don't know... Maybe I should have gotten some food or something.
Kevin: [wearing Italian on his head] Maybe some spaghetti.
Michael Scott: No, Kevin, stop with Diversity Day for a second!

Michael Scott: [during Diversity Day] God, I don't know... Maybe I should have gotten some food or something.
Kevin: [Wearing the Italian sign on his head] Maybe some spaghetti.
Michael Scott: No Kevin, stop with Diversity Day for a second!

Michael Scott: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North," and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.

[during a "Diversity Day" exercise]
Dwight Schrute: Shalom, I'd like to apply for a loan.
Pam Beesley: That's nice, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.
Pam Beesley: OK, I like your food.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, Outback Steakhouse, I'm Australian, mate!
Michael Scott: Pam, come on, "I like your food," no, come on, stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it, let's get ugly, let's get real.
Pam Beesley: OK, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight Schrute: [shocked] Aw man, am I a woman?

Kevin: [during Diversity Day] God, I don't know... Maybe I should have gotten some food or something.
Kevin: [wearing Italian on his head] Maybe some spaghetti.
Michael Scott: No, Kevin, stop with Diversity Day for a second!

Michael Scott: Abraham Lincoln once said that "if you are a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.

Toby Flenderson: [joking] Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style, are we?
Michael Scott: [serious] Get out.
Toby Flenderson: Oh. Sorry.
Michael Scott: No. This is not a joke. What you said was offensive... and lame, so double offense. This is a place of welcoming, and... you should just get the hell out of here.

---

"The Office: Back from Vacation (#3.11)" (2007)

Michael Scott: I did see Jan in Jamaica... in our room... at night... and in the morning... and that's all I'm going to say... sex... we had sex... I had sex with her... I had sex with Jan.

Michael Scott: Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it could get us both into trouble. So officially, I did not see her.
[smiles]
Michael Scott: But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning.
[tries not to smile]
Michael Scott: That's all I'm going to say.
[pause]
Michael Scott: Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.
[smiles into camera]

Toby: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.
Michael Scott: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv.
Toby: Alright, if you're having a relationship with your superior you must disclose it.
Michael Scott: No, no, no I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that - just two like-souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough? Weirdo?

Michael Scott: Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great. You know? They just relax. They party all the time.
Pam Beesly: It's kind of an impoverished country.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Gosh. Great.

Michael Scott: Tonight we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory, so party-planning committee, get on it.
Angela Martin: By the end of the day? That's impossible.
Michael Scott: The Jamaicans don't have a word for 'impossible.'
Jim Halpert: Yep, it's English. It's 'impossible.'

Michael Scott: I have a special assignment for you.
Dwight Schrute: Who's the target?
Michael Scott: A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file. A picture. Filename is Jamaica Jan Sun Princess.
Dwight Schrute: What's it of?
Michael Scott: Not important.
Dwight Schrute: Unless you're willing to tell me everything I cannot accept this assignment.
Michael Scott: Forget it.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, I accept it.

Michael Scott: That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me that you went on my computer and stole that photo then I am gonna call the cops.
Toby: Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife and... we don't talk.
Michael Scott: Well. Then this is probably the ice breaker you need.

Toby: Hey, I need to talk to you...
Michael Scott: Not now. Not ever.

---

"The Office: Ben Franklin (#3.14)" (2007)

[to a Ben Franklin scholar whom he thinks is a stripper]
Michael Scott: Are you wearing a thong?

Michael Scott: So I am instituting prima nocta.
Jim Halpert: [to the camera] Prima nocta I believe from the movie Braveheart and confirmed on Wikipedia is when the King got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night, so...
Michael Scott: I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.

Michael Scott: Wow. Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleazebag.

[Michael is grilling steaks for Bob Vance's bachelor party]
Ryan Howard: Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Michael Scott: No... Yes. But I got all the foot off of it.
Ryan Howard: Oh that's gross.

Michael Scott: Guys; beef is what's for dinner. Who wants some man meat?
Dwight Schrute: I do; I want some man meat.
Jim Halpert: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.

Michael Scott: A guy's night out; a G-N-O if you will; a gno. Actually it's more of a guys afternoon in G-A-I - a gai.
[the girls all snigger]
Michael Scott: Not... not... that's a... not gay. It's a bridal shower for guys; a guy shower - an hour long shower with guys.

Michael Scott: [to the camera while he's making a film for his future son] And remember, no matter what, I will always love you.
Dwight Schrute: What if he's a murderer?
Michael Scott: He's not going to be a murderer.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe that's how you die?

Todd Packer: A stripper is bachelor party 101; if you don't get a stripper your party's gonna suck hard.
Michael Scott: I can't get a stripper here - sexual harassment.
Todd Packer: Get one for the girls too; it evens it out. Y'know separate but equal.
Michael Scott: So that's what that means.

---

"The Office: New Boss (#5.18)" (2009)

Dwight Schrute: Oh here's one, a string quartet playing classical music.
Michael Scott: You know that's good, but that's not classy. I need something classy, like the opening of a car dealership.
Jim Halpert: That's it. Or Mr. Peanut.
Michael Scott: Yes!
Dwight Schrute: Mr. Peanut is not classy.
Michael Scott: He is.
Dwight Schrute: He is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane, a monocle and a top hat.
Michael Scott: That's what makes him classy.

Michael Scott: Surprise!
[unveiling a table full of bagels]
Michael Scott: As you can see I turned the bagels from 'O's into 'C's for Charles.
Charles Miner: Thank you.
Michael Scott: Took me all night.
Pam Beesly: This is what you did last night?

Michael Scott: Alright, let me introduce you to some of the troops. Accounting front and center. Come on up here. I'd like you to meet somebody. This is the accounting dept.
Charles Miner: Hey. I come from accounting too.
Michael Scott: Oh... nerd alert. This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino. And he just got out of a long-term relationship, with a man Gil, who broke his heart. But he did not bring any of that into work and it didn't affect his job performance at all. And I'm very proud of him for that.
Charles Miner: [shaking hands with Oscar] Its good to meet you.
Michael Scott: This little hell raiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office.
[pointing to Andy]
Michael Scott: That one right over there in the orange.
Andy Bernard: Heyo!
Michael Scott: [looking around] Where's the other...
Charles Miner: Hey Michael, I don't need to know everyone's sexual history.
Michael Scott: Perfect! Because we have now arrived at Kevin and he has no sexual history.

Michael Scott: [on telephone] David, it was my understanding that I was not going to be managed.
David Wallace: What gave you that idea?
Michael Scott: [pausing] It was my understand.
David Wallace: I see.
Michael Scott: Listen, why don't we just leave the position vacant. Truth be told, I think I thrive under lack of accountability.

Michael Scott: I just got off the horn with David Wallace and he said you and I should try to get to know each other better and I agree. So, what I would like you to do is tell me something that you've never told anybody before.

Michael Scott: [on phone] Michael Scott calling for David... well just tell him to call me ASAP as possible.

Michael Scott: You have no idea how high I can fly.

---

"The Office: Stress Relief (#5.13)" (2009)

Michael Scott: [writing something down] I've got to make sure YouTube comes down to tape this.

Michael Scott: My god if you're wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that.

Michael Scott: Stanley, you will not die! STANLEY! STANLEY! Barack is president! You are black Stanley!

Michael Scott: Dwight, we are not mad, we are just disappointed.
David Wallace: No, we are mad.
Michael Scott: Yes, we are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide
David Wallace: No, we're not.
Michael Scott: I'm not a mind reader David.

Michael Scott: I knew exactly what to do but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do.

Rose: So assessing the situation, are they breathing?
Michael Scott: No Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
Rose: No, that's not part of it
Michael Scott: Where are they? You know what, if we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there.
Kevin Malone: I would want to live with no legs.
Michael Scott: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now Kevin, you don't do anything.

Michael Scott: I had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
Pam Beesly: What?
Michael Scott: Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget.
[clears throat]
Michael Scott: Jim, you're 6'11", and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom, roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom, roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom, roasted. Creed, your teeth called. Your breath stinks. Boom, roasted. Angela, where's Angela? Whoa, there you are, I didn't see you behind that grain of rice. Boom, roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom, roasted.
[Stanley starts to laugh]
Michael Scott: Oscar, you are...
[starts giggling]
Michael Scott: Oscar... you're gay!
Oscar Martinez: Wow.
Michael Scott: Andy, Cornell called. They think you suck! And you're gayer than Oscar! Boom! Roasted!

---

"The Office: The Injury (#2.12)" (2006)

Michael Scott: Help!
Toby: What's up?
Michael Scott: Ugh. Not you. Get Pam!
Toby: I don't think Pam's gonna want to go into the mens' room.
Michael Scott: I've fallen off the toilet. I'm stuck between the toilet and the wall. Get Ryan!
Ryan Howard: [Shakes head]
Michael Scott: He needs to lift me, and he needs to clean me up a little bit... Bring a wet towel...
Ryan Howard: [eyes bug out; shakes head fiercely and makes a gesture across his throat]
Toby: Ryan's... uh, dead.
Michael Scott: No he's not. I just saw him.
Toby: No, he's not... Uh, can't you just get up yourself? You only grilled your foot.
Michael Scott: ...Yeah, okay.

Michael Scott: Hey.
Ryan Howard: I found your pudding cups at a gas station in Carbondale.
Michael Scott: You did. Look at you. Look at that with the plate and the napkin. Very nice, Ryan. Did you get the yams?
Ryan Howard: No. The gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams.
Michael Scott: I guess I'll just have the pudding then.
Ryan Howard: You sure?
Michael Scott: [sighs] Yeah.

Michael Scott: Dwight, what's your middle name?
Dwight Schrute: Danger.
Michael Scott: It's something with a 'K'...
Jim Halpert: It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that.

Michael Scott: Don't send Dwight.

Michael Scott: Can I have everyone's attention, please? Phyllis, Oscar, Ryan who's supposed to be dead.

Michael Scott: You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me.
Phyllis: Oh, we wouldn't do that, we love Stevie Wonder.

Michael Scott: I want you to rub butter on my foot.
Pam Beesly: No.
Michael Scott: Pam, please? I have Country Crock.

---

"The Office: Branch Wars (#4.6)" (2007)

Michael Scott: Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?
Stanley: I think it's because of my sales record.
Michael Scott: That could not possibly be it.

Michael Scott: You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office; Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The boozy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.

Michael Scott: How can I get you to stay?
Stanley: Money.
Michael Scott: Tell me why you're really leaving.
Stanley: Money.
Michael Scott: More money, more problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this; if I were...
Stanley: Money.

Michael Scott: So why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex?
Jim Halpert: What?
Michael Scott: I can't imagine the sex being bad, I mean her body is...
Jim Halpert: Ok, y'know what why don't we play that alphabet game you were talking about?

[Jim, Michael and Dwight are in the car driving to Utica, Jim and Michael hear a strange noise]
Michael Scott: What is that?
[looks around]
Michael Scott: Dwight, are you peeing?
Dwight Schrute: I'm peeing in this empty can.
Jim Halpert: Oh my God.
Michael Scott: That is disgusting, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: You said we couldn't make any more stops; I really had to go.
Michael Scott: Ah!
Jim Halpert: Michael watch the road!
Dwight Schrute: Hey, you're making me spray!
Michael Scott: I'm going to kill you man.
Jim Halpert: Michael - pull over!
Michael Scott: That is just so disgusting.
Dwight Schrute: I think I cut my penis on the lid.

Michael Scott: [over the walkie talkie] We are in the stairwell.
Dwight Schrute: We are climbing some stairs... and breathing heavily.
Jim Halpert: Ok y'know what? You really don't need to be updating me as you're updating me.

Jim Halpert: [in the car, talking to Dwight and Michael over the walkie talkie, he sees Karen nearby] Oh my God. Oh my God, Karen's back.
Dwight Schrute: Is it Karen?
Michael Scott: Take her to a motel, make love to her.
Jim Halpert: No I'm not doing that.
Michael Scott: Just say you want to get back together.
Jim Halpert: No I'm not doing that.
Michael Scott: It doesn't have to mean anything - just - do it for Stanley. Come on Jim, just climb on top of her and think about Stanley.

---

"The Office: A Benihana Christmas (#3.10)" (2006)

Michael Scott: "Bros before hoes." Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips yours heart out for no good reason. And you are nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you, and that she was better than all the other hoes in the world... and then... and then suddenly she's not yo' ho' no mo'.

Michael Scott: [rides into office on very old and very used 10-speed bike and stops at Pam's desk] Hey! I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candy Pams. And perhaps some Pam chops. With mint...
Pam Beesly: Can I help you Michael?
Michael Scott: I'm looking for the toy drive box.
Pam Beesly: It's behind you.
Michael Scott: [turns around to see Toy Drive pile full of brand new unopened toys. Leans his old bike against wall] Okay, well, I need to put this bike in there. I hope it'll fit with all these other knickknacks.
Jim Halpert: Wow. What kind of bike is that?
Michael Scott: Uhm, I don't know, average kind.
Kevin Malone: That tires look pretty worn.
Michael Scott: Well, that is probably from the test drive.
Jim Halpert: But the paint is chipping. Is that your old bike, Michael?
Michael Scott: No.

Michael Scott: [Carol exits office after breaking up with Michael] I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is canceled.
Stanley Hudson: You can't cancel a holiday.
Michael Scott: Yes... I... Jim, take New Years away from Stanley

Dwight Schrute: It appears we're one bathrobe short.
Michael Scott: Take it from Toby.

Carol Stills: [shows Michael a framed photograph of her 2 kids, herself and a man on a ski trip. Michael photoshopped his face in place of Carol's ex-husband's face] What is this?
Michael Scott: [laughing] That's my Christmas card. It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski-trip, having a blast. Ski-son's Greetings.
Carol Stills: No, see, we never went on a ski-trip.
Michael Scott: I kn... I know.
Carol Stills: I went on a ski-trip two years ago, with my kids and my ex-husband.
Michael Scott: Y-Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I, was with you, in a sense, I was in your heart...
Carol Stills: [interrupts him] Michael?
Michael Scott: ...and next to your kids.
Carol Stills: This is so weird.
Michael Scott: I don't understand.
Jim Halpert: [to the camera] It's a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. Is bold the right word?

Jim Halpert: You just had a rebound.
Michael Scott: A rebound.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but, when it's over, you're left thinking about the girl you really like, the one that broke your heart.

Michael Scott: You walk out that door, and it's over.
Carol Stills: I know.
[walks out door]

---

"The Office: Boys and Girls (#2.15)" (2006)

Michael Scott: I think this is gonna work out great because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job, and I haven't been there in months.

Michael Scott: You may look around and see two groups here; white collar, blue collar. But I don't see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.

Michael Scott: Pizza, great equalizer. Rich people love pizza, poor people love pizza. White people loves pizza, black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza?

Michael Scott: Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?

Michael Scott: We'll get someone to clean that up.
Darryl: We're the ones who gotta clean that up!

[Michael unbuttons his shirt to his navel and exposes his thick chest hair]
Michael Scott: What is our beef as human men?
Lonny: You know, that's a good question, Hasselhoff.

---

"The Office: Business School (#3.16)" (2007)

Business School Student: How has your Herfindahl index declined since the merger?
Michael Scott: Nice try. How's your Polak-says-what index?
Business School Student: What?
Michael Scott: Thanks Kowalski.

Michael Scott: There are four kinds of business: tourism, food service, railroads, and sales.
[pause]
Michael Scott: ...And hospitals, slash manufacturing... and air travel.

Business School Student: What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain?
Michael Scott: I'd say, 'You will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back.'
Business School Student: Has anyone ever come back?
Michael Scott: [pause] We don't want them back, 'cause they're stupid.

Michael Scott: Yeah, sure, you know business, sitting up here in your ivory tower...
[gestures toward the black professor]
Michael Scott: and your ebony tower...
Michael Scott: ...You know what? Tell you one thing, Dunder Mifflin is here to stay.
Business School Student: But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain?
Michael Scott: David will always beat Goliath.
Business School Student: But there's five Goliaths: there's Staples, Office Max...
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah, well, you know who else is facing five Goliaths? America: Al Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning...

Michael Scott: A boss is like a teacher, and I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes, and he actually hooked up with one of the students, um... and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers... Really ruined eighth grade for us.

Michael Scott: What is the most inspiring thing I ever said to you?
Dwight Schrute: Don't be an idiot. Changed my life.

---

"The Office: Frame Toby (#5.8)" (2008)

Dwight Schrute: Okay. Let's get this started.
[stands up and loosens tie]
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: I am the bait.
[takes off his glasses]
Michael Scott: For... what?
Dwight Schrute: Men find me desirable.
Michael Scott: No no no.
Dwight Schrute: Oh it's a good day too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt.
Michael Scott: You're the bait for Toby? For one thing he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait it would be Jim. Or Ryan. Or me.
Dwight Schrute: Men find me desirable.
Michael Scott: Yes. Sure they do Dwight.

Dwight Schrute: There's still one thing we can do to get Toby fired.
Michael Scott: What's that?
[Dwight closes the office door]
Dwight Schrute: Frame him. For using drugs.
Michael Scott: Frame him?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. It's illegal, but, everything they do on The Shield is illegal.

Michael Scott: I've never framed a man before, have you?
Dwight Schrute: Oh I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.

Michael Scott: That seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean.

Michael Scott: Is there no way we can get rid of him?
David Wallace: Not without cause Michael.
Michael Scott: I have cause. It is because I hate him.

Michael Scott: I tried. I tried! I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend... But that is like trying to be friends with an evil... snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream 2. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy... And then, the murderer comes back. Starts killing off all of her friends. Learned a lot of lessons from that movie. This is just one of them.

---

"The Office: Grief Counseling (#3.4)" (2006)

Michael Scott: Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.

Ryan Howard: A few years ago my family was on a safari in Africa, and my cousin Mufasa was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests. We all took it really hard, all of us kind of in the audience of what happened.
Michael Scott: Would you like to talk about it some more?
Ryan Howard: Oh it would probably take me about an hour and a half to tell that whole story.

Michael Scott: There are five stages to grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they're all denying the fact that they're sad. And that's hard, and it's making them all angry. And it is my job to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job.

Michael Scott: I'm going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special... who died. Then I want you to say how they died, and you may cry, if you like. That is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck, and it feels like somebody took my heart, and dropped it int o a bucket of boiling tears. And at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone, and I am crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly... terribly alone.

Michael Scott: [talking about Ed Truck's death] Could you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here it would reach all the way to reception; probably get on Pam.
Phyllis: Okay that's enough.
Stanley: We do not want to hear about this
Michael Scott: Well you know what? I did not want to hear about it either but I did. Now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work, he's on his way home. WHAM, his capa is detated from his head.
Stanley: You have just spit on my face.

---

"The Office: The Convention (#3.2)" (2006)

Jan Levinson: I admit it, I underestimated you.
Michael Scott: Well, Jan, maybe next time you'll... estimate me.

Michael Scott: I love inside jokes. Love to be part of one someday.

Michael Scott: [about Jim] I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like firemen, you don't leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out there's a better fire in Connecticut.

Michael Scott: Swag! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my swag.

Michael Scott: [turns on black light in his hotel room] Would you do me the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir?
Michael Scott: [Dwight turns off lights and they see stains all over bed] Whoa. What are all those stains?
Dwight Schrute: Blood, urine or semen.
Michael Scott: God, I hope it's urine.

---

"The Office: Chair Model (#4.10)" (2008)

Michael Scott: [to Oscar] Hello Oscar Meiner Weiner... lover.

Andy Bernard: Okay so help us out.
Michael Scott: I wish I could but I can't, well can but won't. Should - maybe but shorn't.
Kevin Malone: Michael please.
Michael Scott: What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin?

Andy Bernard: We won't let you down.
Michael Scott: Well you can't cause I don't care.

Michael Scott: I enjoyed this conversation; it was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet old lady on the bus.
Margaret: [long silence] That's incredibly rude.
Michael Scott: Now you ruined it.

Michael Scott: I think that fate put this catalogue into my hands.
Pam Beesly: Actually, I put the catalogue into your hands, 'cause you have to pick out a new chair.

---

"The Office: Dunder Mifflin Infinity (#4.2)" (2007)

Michael Scott: [having just learned Jim and Pam are an item] My heart soars... with the Eagles Nest.

Michael Scott: [welcoming back Ryan] Look at you. You are so mature... and old... and little man now. You're like our little man.
Kevin Malone: Little old man boy.

Michael Scott: Why do we as a society hate old people so much?
Creed Bratton: Because they're lame.

Michael Scott: I would like to see a website deliver baskets of food to people.

Michael Scott: Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will not be replaced by machines. In the end life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.

---

"The Office: Christmas Party (#2.10)" (2005)

Michael Scott: Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

Michael Scott: Christmas is awesome. First of all you got to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time.

Michael Scott: [checking out at a liquor store] Hey, you're the expert; Is this enough to get twenty people plastered?
Clerk: [Seriously considers] Fifteen bottles of vodka?... Yeah, that should do it.

Michael Scott: So Phyllis is basically saying "Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year, but I only care about you and oven mitt's-worth". I gave Ryan an iPod!

Pam Beesley: You do realise that we can't serve liquor at the party?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know. Dammit! Stupid Corporate wet blankets - like booze ever killed anybody.

---

"The Office: Conflict Resolution (#2.21)" (2006)

Michael Scott: Okay, so this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time I want you to express your feelings using "I" emotion language and no judging or "you" statements.
Angela: I got this poster for Christmas and I feel I want to see it everyday. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists and God has a really cute sense of humor.
Michael Scott: Come on, seriously, THAT?
Oscar: I don't like looking at it; it's creepy and in bad taste and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers that forced the babies into it. It is the opposite of art. It destroys art. This is so much more offensive to me than hard core porn!

Michael Scott: Well, that's not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is "til death do us part," assuming that we don't get downsized.

Michael Scott: Okay Ryan, you told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?
Creed: [to film crew] I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

Michael Scott: Cage matches? Yeah, they work, how could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage.

Michael Scott: [Reading past complaints that Dwight had made about Jim] Every time I typed my name it said diapers.

---

"The Office: Golden Ticket (#5.17)" (2009)

Michael Scott: I am just a net... that traps all of your crappy, subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so...
Jim Halpert: [interrupting] Ok, well I lost a ton of money today and I have a mortgage, so I'm a little pissed here.
Michael Scott: Thank you. Jim is with me.
Jim Halpert: Absolutely not. I am mad at you.
Michael Scott: Well you know what, Jim? It is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.
Creed Bratton: That's not why.

Michael Scott: Why do you have a diary?
Dwight Schrute: [whispering] To keep secrets from my computer.

Michael Scott: I have written these things, because it is my responsibility as manager of this branch to profiligate great ideas.

Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey... you idiot!
Darryl Philbin: Start over!

Michael Scott: I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest. What's a pallet?

---

"The Office: Launch Party (#4.3)" (2007)

Kelly Kapoor: [after Michael reads out a memo] That's from Ryan? Does it mention if he's seeing anybody?
Michael Scott: No, it doesn't. I'll find out today.
Stanley Hudson: Yes please let us know.

Michael Scott: I kidnapped a kid!
Dwight Schrute: You had to - what other choice did you have?
Michael Scott: I could have paid for the pizza.
Dwight Schrute: Well... yeah.

Dwight Schrute: I can make more sales than a computer; in fact I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.
Angela Martin: Waste of time.
Michael Scott: What's that pipsqueak?
Angela Martin: Waste of time; the website's going to win.
Dwight Schrute: You believe a computer can beat me?
Angela Martin: I don't care but yes.
Dwight Schrute: Well I will prove you wrong.
Angela Martin: I don't care and you won't.
Dwight Schrute: You'll see.
Angela Martin: I won't be watching and I won't.

Michael Scott: This website is the brainchild of my brainchild, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild.

Michael Scott: There's only one place to get authentic New York-style sushi.
Dwight Schrute: Tokyo?

---

"The Office: Did I Stutter? (#4.12)" (2008)

Michael Scott: I don't understand why you keep picking on me...
Stanley Hudson: Oh, for the love of god...
Michael Scott: You just... do and I don't know why, so, please help me understand.
Stanley Hudson: Fine. Here it is: You are a person I do not respect. The things you say, your actions, your methods and style, everything you do, I would do it the opposite way.
Michael Scott: Well, Stanley, maybe you are feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well.
Stanley Hudson: Michael, I've known you a very long time and the more I've gotten to know you, the less I have come to respect you. Any other theories?
Michael Scott: Alright, you don't respect me... I accept that. But listen to me, you can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't, I am your boss... I can't allow it.
Stanley Hudson: Fair enough.

Michael Scott: Everybody out except Phyllis!

Dwight Schrute: [pushing Michael's face into wet cement] Force it in as deep as you can.
Michael Scott: [through gritted teeth] That's what she said.

Stanley: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: I am serious. We are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack.

---

"The Office: The Negotiation (#3.18)" (2007)

Michael Scott: Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.

Michael Scott: Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something- higher salaries. Win, Win, Win. But you know, life is about more than just salary. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan.
Jan Levinson: MICHAEL!

Michael Scott: Please tell Darryl I'm not wearing a womans' suit.
Pam Beesly: Oh, my God. You are wearing a women's suit.

Jan Levinson-Gould: What's wrong with you?
Michael Scott: It's been a weird day. I accidentally cross dressed.

---

"The Office: The Return (#3.13)" (2007)

Michael Scott: Jim, come here.
Harvey: I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.
Michael Scott: I'm sorry, I can't control him.
Jim Halpert: Sure ya can.
Michael Scott: Ya know what, get Pam.
Jim Halpert: Really? For this?
Michael Scott: Pam.
Harvey: Pam, you look very hot today.
Jim Halpert: Pam, meet Michael's computer, Harvey.
Pam Beesley: Oh, hi Harvey.
Harvey: Me so horny. Me love you long tim.
Pam Beesley: Who's long tim?
Harvey: Long time. Me lobe yoy a long time.
Jim Halpert: Well, maybe yoy should bring long tim in sometime.
Harvey: You ruined a funny joke you. Get out of my office.
Pam Beesley: Okay, bye Harvey.
Harvey: ...Boobs...

Michael Scott: It takes a big man to admit his mistakes, and I am that big man.

Michael Scott: [regarding Andy] I don't understand how someone can have so little self-awareness.

Michael Scott: He's always up in my bidness which is Ebonics for "being all in my face and annoying the beejesus out of me."

---

"The Office: The Convict (#3.9)" (2006)

Dwight Schrute: Prison Mike? What's the very, very worst thing about prison?
Angela Martin: Don't encourage him.
Michael Scott: [as Prison Mike] The worst thing about prison was the - was the dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and then they'd come down and they suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!
Karen Filippelli: Dementors, like in Harry Potter?
Michael Scott: No, not Harry Potter. There are no movies in prison!

Angela Martin: Do you really expect us to believe you're a different person?
Michael Scott: Do you really expect me not to push you up against the wall, biotch?

Jim Halpert: What did you do prison Mike?
Michael Scott: [pretending he went to prison] I stole and I robbed and I kidnapped the President's son and held him for ransom.
Jim Halpert: That is quite the rap sheet, prison Mike.
Michael Scott: And I never got caught neither.
Jim Halpert: Well... you're in prison but uh huh.
Pam Beesley: Prison Mike, what was the food like in prison?
Michael Scott: Gruel... sandwiches, gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus you can eat your own hair.

Kevin: [trying to figure out who in the office was a convict] Martin?
Michael Scott: [shocked] You are such a racist.
Kevin: Wait, why am I a racist?
Michael Scott: Because you think he's black.
Kevin: He is black... right?

---

"The Office: Hot Girl (#1.6)" (2005)

Michael Scott: All right girls, break it up, you're being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse.
Dwight Schrute: Cocks in the henhouse.
Michael Scott: Don't say cocks.

Ryan Howard: [cleaning out Michael's car] Do you still want this bottle of power drink?
Michael Scott: Uh, what flavor?
Ryan Howard: Blue.
Michael Scott: Blue is not a flavor.
Ryan Howard: It says "Flavor: Blue Blast."
Michael Scott: Oh, Blue Blast! Yes, put that in the trunk.

Ryan Howard: [cleaning out Michael's car] Wow. How many Filet-O-Fishes did you eat?
Michael Scott: That's over the course of many months, Ryan!
Ryan Howard: Still...

Michael Scott: Whatever you need, I'm right on the other side of this wsll.
Michael Scott: [knocks on the wall] There used to be a window here.
Michael Scott: [diappointed] There's not anymore.

---

"The Office: Phyllis' Wedding (#3.15)" (2007)

Michael Scott: If you lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you.
Bob Vance: If you lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill YOU.
Michael Scott: Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis.

Michael Scott: Phyllis is getting married, and I am in the wedding party. She's asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary, it is like, I am paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis. But it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the Bride.

Michael Scott: Webster's dictionary defines wedding as the fusing of two medals with a hot torch. Well you know something I think you guys are two metals; gold metals.

Phyllis: Why don't you take a seat and enjoy the buffet?
Michael Scott: I'm already on it. The chicken was undercooked - I sent it back.
Phyllis: It's fish.

---

"The Office: Dinner Party (#4.9)" (2008)

Michael Scott: [takes a sip of wine] Mmm that is sort of an oakey afterbirth.

Michael Scott: [arguing] Man, I would love to burn your candles.
Jan Levinson: You burn it, you buy it.
Michael Scott: Oh good, I'll be your first customer.
Jan Levinson: You're hardly my first.
Michael Scott: That's what she said!
[Jan picks up one of Michael's Dundie awards and throws it through his 200 dollar plasma TV screen]

Jan Levinson: How about we do the short tour and then I'll start dinner.
Pam Beesly: Oh, I can help starting dinner if you need it.
Jan Levinson: No, no its just the asabuko needs to braise for about 3 hours, everything else is done.
Pam Beesly: Three hours from now, or 3 hours from earlier, like 4 o'clock.
Jan Levinson: You know Pam, in Spain, they often don't even start eating until midnight.
Michael Scott: When in Rome...

Michael Scott: When I said I wanted to have kids and you said you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip, snap, snip, snap, snip, snap. I did. You have no idea the physical toll that 3 vasectomies have on a person.

---

"The Office: Survivor Man (#4.7)" (2007)

Michael Scott: Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping and... you know what hypothetical means?
Jim Halpert: ...
Michael Scott: Not real.
Jim Halpert: Got it.
Michael Scott: So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?
Jim Halpert: Absolutely, yes.
[aside to the camera]
Jim Halpert: When Michael plays the hypothetical game I always say yes.
Michael Scott: Really? Oh, do you want to go today?
Jim Halpert: [aside to the camera] And I am always busy.
[to Michael]
Jim Halpert: Oh can't go today because... I'm donating blood.

Michael Scott: [to Stanley] Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack... not crack the drug!

Michael Scott: It's hot today, the sun is in the two thirds easterly quadrant which would make it about
[looks at his watch]
Michael Scott: 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

Jim Halpert: I don't think I'll be here in 10 years,
Michael Scott: That's what I said... that's what she said.
Jim Halpert: That's what who said?
Michael Scott: I never know - I just say it. I say stuff like that, y'know to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.
Jim Halpert: That's what she said.
Michael Scott: [laughs] Hey - nice! Really good! Bravo my young ward.

---

"The Office: Office Olympics (#2.3)" (2005)

Jim Halpert: [Knocks on office door] Michael?
Michael Scott: Hey, Jim. Slim Jim. Wha', what's up?
Jim Halpert: Nothing, I just wanted to congratulate you on your new condo.
Michael Scott: Oh yeah, it's terrific, great. Three bedroom. Gay-friendly.

[Michael is driving himself and Dwight back from an attempt at buying a new condo]
Dwight Schrute: You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We
[he and his cousin]
Dwight Schrute: had a 15-year on our beet farm and paid it off early.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.
Dwight Schrute: People love beets.
Michael Scott: Nobody likes beets.
Dwight Schrute: Everyone loves beets!
Michael Scott: Nobody likes beets, Dwight! Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy! I'd love a piece of candy right now... not a beet.

[first lines]
Michael Scott: I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl, so I'm wise, and I have worms.

Carol Stills: [regarding the new condo Michael is buying] It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood.
Michael Scott: [confused] Oh good. That's good. It's good to be accomodating of that.
Dwight Schrute: Let's go check out the master bedroom.

---

"The Office: The Dundies (#2.1)" (2005)

Michael Scott: TMI? Too much information. Uh, it's just easier to say TMI. I used to say don't go there, but that's lame.

Michael Scott: And the Tightass Award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has a great caboose. So come on down.
Angela: No.

Michael Scott: This next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesly. I think we all know what award Pam is gonna be getting this year... it is the Whitest Sneakers Award, because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on! Get on down here! Pam Beesly, ladies and gentlemen!
Pam Beesly: [very drunk] I have so many people to thank for this award! Okay, first off, my Keds, because I couldn't have done it without them. Let's give Michael a round of applause for MC-ing tonight, because this is a lot harder than it looks.
[applause]
Pam Beesly: And also because of Dwight too.
[silence]
Pam Beesly: Um, so. Finally, I wanna thank God, because God gave me this Dundie. And I feel God in this Chili's tonight.
[pauses]
Pam Beesly: WOO!

Michael Scott: Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let me see. I made Pam laugh so hard that she fell out of her chair and she almost broke her neck. So I killed. Almost.

---

"The Office: Cafe Disco (#5.25)" (2009)

Michael Scott: Now I know what the founders of Phillip Morris felt like. You just want to give people a smooth, fun way to relax and suddenly you're just some terrible monster.

Michael Scott: Daddy's here, and Daddy is going to take care of you.
Oscar Martinez: Please don't refer to yourself as our daddy.
Michael Scott: I am your Big Daddy, and I am going to kiss the boo-boo.

Michael Scott: When I was in charge, this place was like Dave & Busters. People just hanging out, having fun, eating apps. I dunno, it's like Dave died or something.

---

"The Office: Lecture Circuit: Part 1 (#5.14)" (2009)

Michael Scott: Good Morning! And we're off... like a herd of turtles

Michael Scott: [speaking to a pregnant Karen] I'm just trying to figure out the last time you and Jim had sex.

Michael Scott: I have an amazing mnemonic device by which I have now memorized all of your names.
[pointing to people in the room]
Michael Scott: Shirty. Mole. Lazy Eye. Mexico. Baldy. Sugar Boobs. Black Woman.

---

"The Office: Blood Drive (#5.16)" (2009)

Michael Scott: Well if you guys insist on having your own private love fest...
Jim Halpert: We do.
Michael Scott: ...that none of us can be a part of...
Pam Beesly: You can't be a part of our relationship.
Michael Scott: ...then we are going to have our own private Valentine's day party...
Pam Beesly: That sounds fun.
Michael Scott: ...so suck it.

Michael Scott: Where's Andy?
Oscar Martinez: He's on one of his honeymoon.
Michael Scott: What?
Oscar Martinez: He made non-refundable deposits, on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot air ballooning and later he's got a couple's massage.

Michael Scott: I'm going to be cupid and I'm going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims and they are going to get hit and say 'I'm in love! I was hit by cupid's sparrow.' Funny little bird but he gets the job done.

---

"The Office: Halloween (#2.5)" (2005)

[Michael is asking Dwight who should be fired on Halloween. Michael is wearing a paper-mache replica of his head on his shoulder and Dwight is dressed as a Sith Lord]
Michael Scott: [to his paper-mache replica head] What? There was someone left off that list?
Dwight Schrute: Who is he saying?
Michael Scott: [gasp] You're right, I didn't even think of him.
Dwight Schrute: No, Michael!
Michael Scott: Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.
Dwight Schrute: No. Not me!
Michael Scott: Yeah, I could.
Dwight Schrute: Not Dwight!
Michael Scott: I'm not saying that's what he said.
Dwight Schrute: I know that's what he said.
Michael Scott: [to his paper-mache replica head] What?
Dwight Schrute: Tell-Him-Not-Dwight!
Michael Scott: [to his paper-mache replica head] That is not a very nice thing to say.
Dwight Schrute: Tell him to stop!
Michael Scott: [to his paper-mache replica head] Are you kidding me?
Dwight Schrute: [to Michael's paper-mache replica head] Quiet you!
Michael Scott: [to his paper-mache replica head] I agree, he could land on his feet.
Dwight Schrute: Make him be quiet!

Michael Scott: [camera cuts to private interview with Michael as he tries to avoid having to fire someone] Yeah, I went hunting, once. I shot a deer in the leg... had to finish it off with a shovel. It took about an hour...
[pauses, looks at camera]
Michael Scott: ... why do you ask?

Michael Scott: It's not a popularity contest, although it does makes sense to fire the least popular, because it has the least effect on moral.

---

"The Office: Casual Friday (#5.24)" (2009)

Michael Scott: I set the rules and you follow them blindly. Okay? And if you have a problem with that, then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trash can!

Michael Scott: I have a very difficult decision to make. It's like last week I was at the video store. Do I watch The Devil Wears Prada again? Or, do I finally get around to seeing Sophie's Choice? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.

Michael Scott: I am not one to be truffled with.

---

"The Office: The Merger (#3.8)" (2006)

Michael Scott: [to Karen] You're exotic-looking. Was your dad a G.I.?

Jim Halpert: [about video] It reminds me of the orientation video Michael showed on my first day. The Scranton Witch Project.
Michael Scott: [In the video] I am so scared, when people don't label their personal food.

Hannah: Look what's on his computer!
Michael Scott: What is that? A squid’s eye or...
Hannah: It's my left breast.
Michael Scott: How did you...
Creed: Right place at the right time.

---

"The Office: The Fight (#2.6)" (2005)

Michael Scott: Hey look, it's the karate kid... the Hillary Swank version.

Michael Scott: And after that, nobody ever messed with the Damn Rascals ever again.
Jim Halpert: Sounds tough. 'When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way.'
Michael Scott: You were a Jet?

Michael Scott: [acting tough after beating Dwight in a fight] 'You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?' Raging Bull. Pacino.
[elated]
Michael Scott: I want that footage. I want it, I need it.

---

"The Office: Traveling Salesmen (#3.12)" (2007)

Michael Scott: I want you to think about your future at this company. I want you to think about it long and hard...
Dwight Schrute: That's what she said.
Michael Scott: Don't... don't you dare.

Michael Scott: You know what they say. Fool me once? Strike one. Fool me twice?... Strike three.

Stanley Hudson: Pass.
Michael Scott: You can't pass.
Stanley Hudson: Fine. I'll take the kid.
Ryan Howard: [in the confessional] I'm very flattered. I was his second choice after "pass".

---

"The Office: Local Ad (#4.5)" (2007)

Michael Scott: Welcome one and all to the world premiere of Corporate crap fest.

Michael Scott: [at a meeting ] Has anyone ever come up to you and said 'You're not creative'.
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: Well they're wrong; you are creative, you are damn creative. Each and every one of you, you are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with.
[they all look around, confused]
Jim Halpert: Who are you talking to specifically?

Michael Scott: Pam, please clear my phone lines.
Pam Beesley: Certainly. Beep-boop beep-beep beep beep beep beep beep boop. Okay, clear.

---

"The Office: Moroccan Christmas (#5.10)" (2008)

Michael Scott: You know what Meredith? You let your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?
Dwight Schrute: I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.
Dwight Schrute: [Speaking to the camera] There are several ways to kill a zombie. But the most satisfying is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.

Michael Scott: I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. I think I can do it. I did it with Jane.

Meredith Palmer: I don't mind telling you that I have an addition. I do... to porn.
Michael Scott: That is the image... I think we all can agree is very disgusting.

---

"The Office: Take Your Daughter to Work Day (#2.18)" (2006)

Michael Scott: I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives. They're adults for God's sake.

Michael Scott: I'm Michael Scott... I'm in charge of this place... how do I make you... understand... I am like... Superman! And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
Dwight Schrute, Jim Halpert: That's Batman.
Michael Scott: OK... I'm Aquaman. Where does he live guys?
Jim Halpert: The ocean.
Michael Scott: [muttering] I work with a bunch of nerds.

Toby: Is everything OK?
Michael Scott: You have to ask me that because you work for Human Resources.

---

"The Office: Goodbye, Toby (#4.14)" (2008)

Michael Scott: If the devil were to explode, and evil was gone forever, what sort of party would you have?
Angela: Michael...
Michael Scott: Like a beach blowout? Or a toga, TOGA

Michael Scott: Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years and I am now his cruise director. And my name is Captain Bruisin'.

Michael Scott: [shouting] Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War Two!

---

"The Office: Women's Appreciation (#3.21)" (2007)

Michael Scott: My point is: a penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman... but, when seen in the wrong context, it's like a monster movie.
Dwight Schrute: Alien... BLURGH!

Michael Scott: Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited.
Meredith Palmer: I don't remember doing that!
Angela: What a surprise...

Karen Filippelli: What you're saying is extremely misogynistic.
Michael Scott: Yes! Thank you. That was not necessary but I appreciate it. And it proves my point; women can do anything.
Karen Filippelli: I'm saying that you're being sexist.
Michael Scott: No, I'm being misogynistic. That is insane, I'm not being sexit.
Karen Filippelli: That that's... it's the same thing.
Phyllis Lapin: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Phyllis Lapin: When I got my hair cut short you asked me if I was a lesbian.
Michael Scott: Because waaa, that was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.
Angela: And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods.
Michael Scott: I have to know whether you're serious or not.

---

"The Office: Booze Cruise (#2.11)" (2006)

Michael Scott: In an office, manager ranks higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulous.

Dwight Schrute: Don't worry Michael, I'm taking us to shore!
Michael Scott: It's a fake wheel, dummy.

Michael Scott: I see the sales department as a furnace.
Phyllis: A furnace?
Jim Halpert: How old is this ship?
Pam Beesley: How about the anchor?
Phyllis: What does the furnace do?
Michael Scott: Let's not get hung up about the furnace, it's just, I see the sales department are down there, they are in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands.
Jim Halpert: Not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right?
Michael Scott: Titanic.
Pam Beesley: I think you're thinking of "The Hunt for Red October."

---

"The Office: Customer Survey (#5.6)" (2008)

Michael Scott: Kelly...
Kelly Kapoor: I was raped.
Michael Scott: You cannot say "I was raped" and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that.

Andy Bernard: Big idea, double wedding, me-Angela, you-Holly.
Michael Scott: No, we would never do that, if we did it would be with Jim and Pam.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, we'd never do that.
Michael Scott: Yeah, so there you go

Michael Scott: Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant.
Jim Halpert: I think you mean smug.
Michael Scott: Arrogance.
Jim Halpert: Michael, I'm just trying...
Michael Scott: [interrupting] and there's our smudgeness.

---

"The Office: Crime Aid (#5.4)" (2008)

Michael Scott: Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry I Declare

Michael Scott: It squeaks when you bang it... That's what she said.

---

"The Office: Product Recall (#3.20)" (2007)

Customer: I'm calling the Better Business Bureau!
Michael Scott: Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Biotch Hotline!

Michael Scott: Andy, you go.
Andy Bernard: [in a British accent] William Dolittle at your service, a.k.a. Will Do.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I'm definitely going to go alone.
Michael Scott: No, no, I need two men on this! That's what she said. No time! But she did. No time!

---

"The Office: The Surplus (#5.9)" (2008)

Toby Flenderson: We should really have the office's air quality tested. We have rayon coming from below we have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.
Michael Scott: You are the silent killer.

Michael Scott: I swallowed all of your ideas. I'm going to digest them and see what comes out the other end.

---

"The Office: The Deposition (#4.8)" (2007)

Michael Scott: You expect to get screwed by your company but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.

---

"The Office: Branch Closing (#3.7)" (2006)

Dwight Schrute: What were your favourite moments?
Michael Scott: Uh... all of them. I loved them all- every single one.
Dwight Schrute: What about when Jan said the branch was closing?
Michael Scott: God... Dwight.

---

"The Office: Business Ethics (#5.2)" (2008)

Oscar Martinez: Once in a while I'll take a long lunch.
Michael Scott: A siesta.
Dwight Schrute: Time thief! Time thief! Fire him!
Jim Halpert: Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?
Dwight Schrute: Never!
Michael Scott: You are a thief of joy.

---

"The Office: The Job (#3.23)" (2007)

Michael Scott: Dwight, why is my wall painted black?
Dwight Schrute: To intimidate my subordinates.

---

"The Office: Broke (#5.23)" (2009)

Michael Scott: If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company. And then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names.
David Wallace: Michael...
Michael Scott: That's one of 'em, yes! There are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court.

---

"The Office: Weight Loss (#5.1)" (2008)

Michael Scott: What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex... and then again for seven years.

---

"The Office: Drug Testing (#2.20)" (2006)

Michael Scott: [explaining to Dwight why he needs his urine] I went to an Alicia Keys concert last weekend and I think I might have accidentally gotten high from a girl with a lip ring.

---

"The Office: Business Trip (#5.7)" (2008)

Michael Scott: Meredith, I would like you to pretend you're from Abu Dhabi.
Meredith Palmer: Hello.
Michael Scott: I am ashamed at your naked face. I must cover it with my jacket. You are now sexy in your culture.

---

"The Office: The Alliance (#1.4)" (2005)

Michael Scott: No, I'm not going to tell them about the downsizing. As a doctor, you wouldn't tell a patient that they had cancer.

---

"The Office: Cocktails (#3.17)" (2007)

Michael Scott: [to Jan] If this is about what happened in the bathroom? There was no space to cuddle.

---

"The Office: Dream Team (#5.20)" (2009)

Pam Beesly: I can't do this. I had a real job. I sat 10 feet away from my fiancé! I had health benefits! I was just feeling impulsive! I should've gotten a tiny tattoo on my ankle!
Michael Scott: Blech.

---

"The Office: Pilot (#1.1)" (2005)

Michael Scott: [after bring Pam to tears by saying she's fired] You've been X'd punk!

---

"The Office: The Fire (#2.4)" (2005)

Michael Scott: [the members of The Office are playing a game of "Who Would You Do?"] Roy! Who'd you do, Roy?
Roy: Oh, I got it! What's the name of that, uh, tight-ass Christian chick? The blonde?
Angela: [angrily] My name is Angela.
Roy: [without shame] Hey, Angela!
[gesturing to himself]
Roy: Roy. Nice to meet you.
Michael Scott: Aaaaall right, who's next? Who's next, who's... Jim! You're next! Who'd you do?
Jim Halpert: [There is an awkward pause] Uh, Kevin. Hands down.
[the group begins to laugh]
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I mean, he's really got that "teddy bear" thing going on, and afterwards we could just watch bowling.
Michael Scott: Well I would definitely have sex with Ryan.
[the group stops laughing and Ryan makes an uncomfortable expression]
Michael Scott: 'Cause he's gonna own his own business.
Roy: [the camera pans to Roy who is the only one left laughing] You're all gay!

---

"The Office: Dwight's Speech (#2.17)" (2006)

Michael Scott: But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
Dwight Schrute: A saleswoman has a vagina.
Michael Scott: It's a joke, Dwight. It's not a sex-ed class.

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"The Office: Valentine's Day (#2.16)" (2006)

Michael Scott: I would love to live in New York some day. It's a big dream of mine. Work corporate with Jan. It would be awesome. Go to Broadway shows, eat hotdogs. Scranton is great, but New York is like Scranton on Acid. No, on Speed. Noo, on Steroids.

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"The Office: Baby Shower (#5.3)" (2008)

Michael Scott: You know what, Phyllis? I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because, if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?

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"The Office: The Coup (#3.3)" (2006)

Michael Scott: You should have an M&M, Dwight. They're delicious.

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"The Office: Company Picnic (#5.26)" (2009)

Michael Scott: I didn't find the perfect moment because I think today is about just having today. And I think we're one of those couples who'll have a long story when people ask how we found each other. I will see her every now and then, and maybe one year she'll be with somebody and the next year I'll be with somebody and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.

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"The Office: Performance Review (#2.8)" (2005)

Michael Scott: [reading from the Suggestion Box] "You need to do something about your B.O."
Dwight Schrute: [repeating to staff] You need to do something about your B.O!
Michael Scott: Now, I don't know who this suggestion was meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion and not an office suggestion. And far be it for me to embarass anyone here.
Toby: Aren't the suggestions meant for you?
Michael Scott: Well... Toby, if you are inferring that I have B.O. then that would be a very poor choice of words.
Creed: Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.
Michael Scott: Was I, Creed? Well, you know what I'm implying now is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs, cause talk about stank. And that is something I never have done and I never will! I just think it's something we should be aware of! See! This is good! We're learning something here!

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"The Office: The Duel (#5.11)" (2009)

Michael Scott: Don't ever for any reason do anything to anyone for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been... ever, for any reason whatsoever.

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