Special Agent Dale Cooper
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Quotes for
Special Agent Dale Cooper (Character)
from "Twin Peaks" (1990)

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"Twin Peaks: Pilot (#1.1)" (1989)
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Diane, 11:30 a.m., February Twenty-fourth. Entering the town of Twin Peaks, five miles south of the Canadian border, twelve miles west of the state line. I've never seen so many trees in my life. As W. C. Fields would say, I'd rather be here than Philadelphia. Fifty-four degrees on a slightly overcast day. Weatherman said rain. If you could get paid that kind of money for being wrong sixty percent of the time, it'd beat working. Mileage is seventy-nine thousand three hundred forty-five, gauge is on reserve, riding on fumes here, I've got to tank up when I get into town. Remind me to tell you how much that is. Lunch was, uh, six dollars and thirty-one cents at the Lamplighter Inn, that's on Highway Two near Lewis Fork. That was a tuna fish sandwich on whole wheat, slice of cherry pie, and a cup of coffee. Damn good food. Diane, if you ever get up this way that cherry pie is worth a stop. Okay. Looks like I'll be meeting up with the, ah, Sheriff Harry S. Truman. Shouldn't be too hard to remember that. He'll be at the Calhoun Memorial Hospital. I guess we're going to go up to intensive care and take a look at that girl that crawled down the railroad tracks off the mountain. When I finish there I'll be checking into a motel. I'm sure the sheriff will be able to recommend a clean place, reasonably priced. That's what I need, a clean place, reasonably priced.

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Oh Diane, I almost forgot. Got to find out what kind of trees these are. They're really something.

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Sheriff, what kind of fantastic trees have you got growing around here? Big, majestic.
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: Douglas firs.
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: [Marveling] Douglas firs...

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Who's the babe?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: That is one of the most beautiful women in the state, Mrs. Packard.
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Packard Sawmill?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: Yep.
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Where's Mr. Packard?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: Died in a boating accident last year. Andrew Packard practically built this town. Brought her over from Hong Kong six years ago. Left her everything, which didn't exactly please his sister. That's her right there. The original deep freeze.
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Who's the glad-handing dandy?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: Benjamin Horne, local big wig, he owns half the town. He's not after her, he's after her land.
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Who's the lady with the log?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: We call her the log lady.

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: I will remind you that these crimes occurred at night.

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: You know why I'm whittling?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: Okay, I'll, I'll bite again. Why are you whittling?
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Because that's what you do in a town where a yellow light still means slow down, not speed up.

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Sheriff, that reminds me. Can you recommend to me a good, inexpensive hotel or motel? Now it doesn't have to be fancy and I mean that.
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: I can get you a good rate up at the Great Northern.
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Because you know, I think I'm going to be here for some time, and these motels, they'll promise you a good rate and when you get there it's a whole different story. Now all I need is a bed, a bathroom, a telephone, and sometimes a television in the unlikely event that one day I'll get a chance to knock off early.
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: I can get you a good rate up at the Great Northern.
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Sold. Well, tomorrow comes early.

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: [He sees the Log Lady seated nearby, cradling her log and drinking coffee] Log Lady.
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: Right.
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: [He waves to her] Hi.
[She looks away]
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Can I ask her about her log?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: Many have.

Cooper: Harry, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it; don't wait for it; just let it happen. It could be a new shirt in a men's store, a catnap in your office chair, or two cups of good, hot, black, coffee.

Harry Truman: Do you think they spotted us?
Cooper: Give me a donut.

Cooper: Gentlemen. When two separate evens occur simultaneously pertaining to the same object in inquiry we must always pay strict attention.

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: There's over ten thousand dollars here. That's a lot of Girl Scout cookies.

Sheriff Harry S. Truman: I suppose you want me to follow them at a discreet distance.
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Harry, you're all right.

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: [Referring to an impressive array of doughnuts] A policeman's dream.

Dale Cooper: [speaking into tape recorder] Diane, I'm holding in my hands a small box of chocolate bunnies.

[taping a message to Diane]
Dale Cooper: Diane, it's 4:10 in the afternoon at the scene of the crime. Here's something we haven't seen before: a mount of dirt. Approximately a foot and a half in diameter. On the top is a gold necklace with a gold heart. Correction, half a gold heart. At the base of the mount of dirt is a torn piece of news print. Written with the words, which appear to be in blood: 'fire walk with me'.

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: I think I saw a cottontail rabbit!
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: It must have been a snowshoe rabbit.
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Snowshoe?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: Right.
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Snowshoe. Snowshoe rabbit.

Pete Martell: [about serving coffee to Dale Cooper and Sheriff Truman] Mr. Cooper, how do you take it?
Dale Cooper: Black as midnight on a moonless night.
Pete Martell: Pretty black.

Pete Martell: [about Cooper's coffee] How do you like yours?
Dale Cooper: Black as midnight on a moonless night.
Pete Martell: Pretty black.

Dale Cooper: I still can't get the taste of fish-filtered coffee out of my mouth.

Dale Cooper: Who's the lady with the log?
Sheriff Truman: We call her the Log Lady.

"Twin Peaks: Episode #1.2" (1990)
Dale Cooper: Diane, it struck me again earlier this morning, there are two things that continue to trouble me. And I'm speaking now not only as an agent of the Bureau but also as a human being. What really went on between Marilyn Monroe and the Kennedys and who really pulled the trigger on JFK?

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: [to the waitress who has just poured him a cup of coffee] Wait a minute, wait a minute.
[he savors his first sip]
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: You know, this is - excuse me - a damn fine cup of coffee. I've had I can't tell you how many cups of coffee in my life and this, this is one of the best. Now I'd like two eggs over hard. I know, don't tell me, it's hard on the arteries, but old habits die hard, just about as hard as I want those eggs.

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: [he enters sanding a handcarved wooden whistle] Hi, Mike, Bobby. Now before we get started, have you two fellas got your stories straight?
Bobby Briggs: If we tell the truth we don't have to get our stories straight.
Mike 'Snake' Nelson: Besides, the sheriff told us we're just in here for fighting and, uh, it was self-defense.
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Right. Well, I guess you can go then.
Bobby Briggs: Now?
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Mm-hm.
[as Mike and Bobby walk to the door, Cooper toots his whistle]
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Oh, fellas, one more thing. Pray for the health and safety of James Hurley, because if anything happens to him, I'm coming for you.
[Mike and Bobby leave]
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Sheriff, what are you sitting around for? We've got places to go and people to see.
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: You know, I think I'd better start studying medicine.
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: And why is that?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: Because I'm beginning to feel a bit like Dr. Watson.

Log Lady: I heard you speaking about Laura Palmer?
Dale Cooper: Yes?
Log Lady: One day my log will have something to say about this. My log saw something that night.
Dale Cooper: Really. What did it see?
Log Lady: Ask it.
[Cooper hesitates]
Log Lady: I thought so.
[walks away]

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Harry, I really have to urinate.

Pete Martell: [Pouring coffee] Mr. Cooper, how do you take it?
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Black as midnight on a moonless night.
Pete Martell: Pretty black.

Audrey Horne: Do you like my ring?
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Very nice.
Audrey Horne: You know, sometimes I get so flushed, it's interesting. Do your palms ever itch?

Dale Cooper: Diane, never drink coffee that has been anywhere near a fish.

[first lines]
Dale Cooper: Diane, 6:18 AM, room 315, Great Northern Hotel here in Twin Peaks.

Dale Cooper: [after interviewing Josie Packard] So, Harry, how long you been seeing her?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: How did you know?
Dale Cooper: Body language.
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: [pause] Jeez, Louise.

Dale Cooper: Were you friends with Laura Palmer?
Audrey Horne: Not exactly. You see, Laura tutored my brother Johnny three times a week. Johnny's 27 and he's in the third grade. He's got emotional problems. Runs in the family.
Audrey Horne: Do you like my ring?

Dale Cooper: Have you got your stories straight yet?
Bobby Briggs: If we tell you the truth, we don't have to get our stories straight.

Pete Martell: Mr. Cooper, how do you take it?
Dale Cooper: Black as midnight on a moonless night.
Pete Martell: Pretty black.

"Twin Peaks: Episode #2.1" (1990)
[the Giant appears before Cooper again who's asleep]
The Giant: Sorry to wake you.
Dale Cooper: I wasn't dreaming.
The Giant: I forgot to tell you something.
Dale Cooper: You were right about the smiling bag.
The Giant: The things I tell you will not be wrong.
Dale Cooper: But, I...
The Giant: Better to listen, than to talk.
Dale Cooper: I believe you.
The Giant: Don't search for all the answers at once. A path is formed by laying one stone at a time. One person saw the third man that night. Three have seen him, yes, but not his body. Only one, known to you, ready now to talk. One more thing, you forgot something.
Dale Cooper: What?
[the Giant disappears as we see Audrey Horne's "help me" note under Cooper's bed]

Dale Cooper: Albert, where does this attitude of general unpleasantness come from?
Albert Rosenfield: I'll have to get back on you on that.
Dale Cooper: Well if you don't want two black eyes on a regular basis I would suggest you make some kind of peace with rural life.
Albert Rosenfield: Great. After the square dance, maybe we can all take a hayride.

Sheriff Truman: Lucy, you better bring Agent Cooper up to date.
Lucy Moran: Leo Johnson was shot, Jacques Renault was strangled, the mill burned, Shelly and Pete got smoke inhalation, Catherine and Josie are missing, Nadine is in a coma from taking sleeping pills.
Dale Cooper: How long have I been out?

Dale Cooper: Laura Palmer is dead. Jacques Renault is dead. Ronette Pulaski and Leo Johnson are in comas. Waldo the bird is dead. This leaves only the third man.

Dale Cooper: Doc, when the will is invoked, the recuperative powers of the physical body are simply extraordinary.
Dale Cooper: [struggles to get off the bed] Just give me a couple hours to get dressed.

Sheriff Truman: Lucy, you better bring Agent Cooper up to date.
Lucy Moran: Leo Johnson was shot, Jacques Renault was strangled, the mill burned, Shelly and Pete got smoke inhalation, Catherine and Josie are missing, Nadine is in a coma from taking sleeping pills.
Dale Cooper: How long have I been out?
Dr. Will Hayward: It's 7:45 in the morning. We haven't had this much action in one night since the Elks Club fire of '59.

FBI Agent Albert Rosenfield: What was your vest doing riding up like that?
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Wood tick.

Dale Cooper: Diane... my recorder is on the table. I'm unable to reach it at this time. I can only hope that I inadvertently pressed the voice activation button. I'm lying on the floor of my room. I've been shot. There's a great deal of pain and a fair amount of blood. Fortunately I was wearing my bulletproof vest last night per bureau regulations when working undercover. I remember folding the vest up, trying to chase down a wood tick. If you can imagine the impact on your chest of three bowling balls dropped from a height of about nine feet, you might begin to approximate the sensation. All things considered, being shot is not as bad as I thought it might be, as long as you can keep the fear from your mind. But I guess you could say that about most anything in life. Its not so bad as long as you can keep the fear from your mind.

Dale Cooper: At a time like this, curiously, you begin to think of the things regret or the things you might miss. I would like, in general, to treat people with much more care and respect. I would like to climb a tall hill - not too tall - sit in the cool grass - not too cool - and feel the sun on my face. I wish I could have cracked the Lindbergh kidnapping case. I would very much like to make love to a beautiful woman who I had genuine affection for. And, of course, it goes without saying that I would like to visit Tibet. I wish they could get their country back and the Dalai Lama could return. Oh, I would like that very much. All in all, a very interesting experience.

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (1992)
Jeffries: Well now, I'm not gonna talk about Judy. In fact, we're not gonna talk about Judy at all, we're gonna keep her out of it.
Cooper: [bewildered] Gordon?
Gordon: I KNOW, COOP!
Jeffries: Who do you think this is there?
Albert: Suffered some bumps on the old noggin, hey, Phil?
Jeffries: The stories that I wanna tell you about...

Cooper: Lately I've been filled with the knowledge that the killer will strike again. But because it is just a feeling, I am powerless to stop it. One more thing, Albert. When the next murder happens, you will help me solve it.
Albert: Let's test it for the record. Will the next victim be a man or a woman?
Cooper: A woman.
Albert: All right. What color hair will she have?
Cooper: Blonde.
Albert: Tell me some other things about her.
Cooper: She's in high school. She is sexually active. She is using drugs. She's crying out for help.
Albert: Well damn, Cooper, that really narrows it down. You're talking about half the high school girls in America!

Cooper: Thank you Carl. Sorry to wake you.
Carl: That's okay. I was having a bad dream anyway.

Cooper: Don't take the ring, Laura.

[Cooper and Carl look at the space where Desmond vanished]
Cooper: What was here, Mr. Rodd?
Carl: A trailer was here, what the hell do you think?
Cooper: Can you tell me whose trailer it was, and who stayed in it?
Carl: Uh, an old woman, and her grandson.
Cooper: Can you tell me what their names were?
Carl: Chalfont. As a matter of fact, 'Chalfont' was the name of the people that rented this space before. Two Chalfonts. Weird, huh?

Cooper: [into his mini-tape recorder] Diane, it's 4:20pm. I'm standing here at the Wind River near the location where the body of Teresa Banks was found. Diane, this case gives me a strange feeling. Not only has Special Agent Chester Desmond dissappeared without a trace, but this is one of Cole's blue rose cases. The clues that were found by Special Agent Desmond and Agent Stanley have led to dead ends. The letter that was extracted from beneath the fingernail of Teresa Banks gives me the feeling that the killer will strike again. But like the song goes, "who knows where, or when?"

"Twin Peaks: Episode #2.9" (1990)
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Gentlemen, two days ago a young woman was found murdered by the same individual I believe responsible for the death of Laura Palmer. I have reason to believe that the killer is in this room. As a member of the Bureau, I spend most of my time seeking simple answers to difficult questions. In the pursuit of Laura's killer, I have employed Bureau guidelines, deductive technique, Tibetan method, instinct, and luck. But now I find myself in need of something new, which, for lack of a better word, we shall call... magic.
Benjamin Horne: Would you like us to hum? A Tibetan chant, perhaps?
FBI Agent Albert Rosenfield: I think it's going terrifically well. Don't you?

Sheriff Harry S. Truman: [after Cooper has revealed the killer] How did you know?
Dale Cooper: Laura told me. In her dream.
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: We're going to need more a lot stronger evidence than this.
Dale Cooper: How about a confession?

Special Agent Dale Cooper: Did you kill Laura Palmer?
[Leland, as Bob, hoots and yells like a wolf]
Leland Palmer: [in Bob's voice] That's a "yes".
Special Agent Dale Cooper: How about Maddy Ferguson?
Leland Palmer: What do you think?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: I'm asking you.
Leland Palmer: No really, what do you think?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: Answer the question.
Leland Palmer: Well, yeah gee wiz, I guess I kinda, sorta did. I have this thing for knifes. Just like what happended to you that time in Pittsburgh, Cooper!

Leland Palmer: [in Bob's voice] Leland, Leland, you've been a good vehicle and I've enjoyed the ride. But now he's weak and full of holes. It's almost time to shuffle off to Buffalo!
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Does Leland know what you've done, Bob?
Leland Palmer: [as Bob] Leland's a babe in the woods, with a large hole where his conscious used to be. When I go children, I will pull that ripcord and you watch Leland remember. Watch him!

[first lines]
FBI Agent Albert Rosenfield: The short answer is, this is the work of the same ghoul who killed Laura. More fan mail: the letter 'O' under Maddy's ring fingernail. There were strands of fur clutched in her right hand.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: What kind of fur?
FBI Agent Albert Rosenfield: White fox. The strands were laced with formaldehyde. A dead animal, stuffed.
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: I'll make phone calls. Leland will know how to get ahold of Maddy's family.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Harry, don't make any calls. I need 24 hours.
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: For what?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: To finish this.

Special Agent Dale Cooper: God help me, l don't know where to start.
Deputy Tommy 'Hawk' Hill: You're on the path. You don't need to know where it leads. Just follow.

"Twin Peaks: Episode #1.4" (1990)
Dale Cooper: This must be where pies go when they die.

[about a dream he had of Laura Palmer]
Dale Cooper: She whispered to me who killed her
Sheriff Truman: Well, what did she say?
Dale Cooper: You know... I don't remember.

Albert Rosenfield: He hit me!
Dale Cooper: Well, I'm sure he meant to do that.

Sheriff Truman: Morning, Leo.
Leo Johnson: [hostile and beligerent tone] Who the hell is he?
Sheriff Truman: This is Special Agent Cooper, FBI. He's investigating the murder of Laura Palmer. He'd like to ask you a couple of questions.
Leo Johnson: So ask!
Dale Cooper: Leo... is that short for Leonard?
Leo Johnson: That's a question?

Dale Cooper: Did you know Laura Palmer?
Leo Johnson: [after a short pause] No.
Dale Cooper: Really? How well did you know her?
Leo Johnson: I said I didn't!
Dale Cooper: You're lying.
Leo Johnson: [sighs] I knew who she was. Everybody did, all right?
Dale Cooper: Do you have a criminal record?
Leo Johnson: Nothing. You can look it up.
Dale Cooper: I have. Illegal U-turn... April 1986. Drunk and disorderly... November 1987. September 1988, aggravated assult. Charges dropped.
Leo Johnson: So? I paid my debt to society.

Dale Cooper: Did you ever sell drugs to Laura Palmer?
Bernard Renault: I don't sell drugs.
Sheriff Truman: How much did Jacques pay you to be the mule?
Bernard Renault: Jacques don't pay me anything. I'm no mule!
Sheriff Truman: Oh, so that ounce of cocaine that we found on you is... let me guess: yours for personal use?
Bernard Renault: Yeah, that's right.
Dale Cooper: Then I guess you don't get much sleep at night, Bernie.

"Twin Peaks: Episode #2.3" (1990)
Albert Rosenfield: [to Sheriff Truman] Now you listen to me. While I will admit to a certain cynicism, the fact is that I am a naysayer and hatchetman in the fight against violence. I pride myself in taking a punch and I'll gladly take another because I choose to live my life in the company of Gandhi and King. My concerns are global. I reject absolutely revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method... is love. I love you Sheriff Truman.
[he leaves the room]
Dale Cooper: [to Sheriff Truman] Albert's path is a strange and difficult one.

FBI Agent Albert Rosenfield: We sent a portrait of your long-haired man to every agency from NASA to DEA and came up empty. This cat is in nobody's database.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: A man that four of us have seen here in Twin Peaks.
FBI Agent Albert Rosenfield: [smiling] Sure. Oh, by the way, you were shot with a Walther PPK. It's James Bond's gun, did you know that?

Special Agent Dale Cooper: [very serious] Fellas, let's stand together for a moment. It's time I mentioned something. Now, I'm not sure, but I believe I was visited by a giant. Twice. In my room. He left me three clues. The first had to do with Jacques Renault in a body bag. It came true almost immediately. The second was, "The owls are not what they seem." The third was about a man who points without chemicals.
Sheriff Harry Truman: [perplexed] You were visited... by a giant?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: [nods yes]
FBI Agent Albert Rosenfield: Any relation to the dwarf?

Special Agent Dale Cooper: R, B, T. Harry, I believe that these letters and the Giant's clues are in some way related to this long-haired man. Mrs. Palmer saw him in a vision. She called this morning to say that Maddy had seen the man twice in the past two days, both times in a vision. I've seen him in my dreams.
Sheriff Harry Truman: And Ronette.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: She saw him physically at the train car.
Sheriff Harry Truman: Right.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Four of us have seen him in different forms. This path is a psychic link that will lead us straight to him.
Sheriff Harry Truman: So, what did this giant sound like? I mean, did he have a big, blooming voice or what?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: No, no. He spoke softly, distinctly.
FBI Agent Albert Rosenfield: And you gave him the beans you were supposed to use to buy a cow?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: No, Albert, I gave him my ring.

Dale Cooper: James, you're not gonna be charged with drug posession. The cocaine we found in your bike was planted. Probally by Leo Johnson.
James Hurley: I was trying to tell you that when you arrested me. But I still don't think Leo planted it or called you at the station that night. I think Mike and Bobby did. They're the ones you should be...
Dale Cooper: [cutting him off] James! I don't want to see you down here at the station again. Stop trying to figure it out all by yourself. Find someone to talk to. Talk to me. Now go on home, James. Leave the case to me.

"Saturday Night Live: Kyle MacLachlan/Sinéad O'Connor (#16.1)" (1990)
Dale Cooper: [talking into tape recorder] Diane, 11:31 pm. Just finished washing up and ready for bed. This morning, I showered for nine minutes. Found seventeen hairs; three curly, fourteen straight. I used the Basalm shampoo along with the conditioner courtesy of the hotel and delivering what it promised. A silky manageability. Cotton towel by Field Crest with just the right amount of absorbancy. Consumed fifteen doughnuts today, Diane. All jelly. I'll be injecting my insulin in four minutes. Diane, slept great last night. Got to find out what kind of sheets these are; not cotton, not rayon, silky. Damn fine sheets. I'm gonna get naked and slide around in them.

Sheriff Truman: Cooper, great news. We found out who killed Laura Palmer. It was Leo. He just confessed.
Dale Cooper: Harry, I'm glad you're here. Tonight we're going to go up to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as Indians. Hawk said we could borrow his buckskins - you know, the one with the eagle feather.
Sheriff Truman: Cooper, listen. Leo confessed. Leo turned himself in.
Dale Cooper: Well, that's good news, Harry. Another piece of the puzzle. It won't be long now.

Audrey Horne: Agent Cooper.
Dale Cooper: Audrey. Did you dig up any new leads at the perfume counter?
Audrey Horne: I quit that job as soon as I found out that Leo did it.
Leo Johnson: That's right. I'm the one.
Dale Cooper: [walking over to Leo] I'm talking to Audrey.
Leo Johnson: I got pictures, see?
[pulls his wallet out of his pocket]
Leo Johnson: Here's me, about to kill her. Here's me killing her. Here's me wrapping her in plastic.

Dale Cooper: Maybe Leo did kill Laura Palmer, but... but we still haven't figured out who shot me.
Leo Johnson: I did! Jeez, you saw me!

"Twin Peaks: Episode #1.5" (1990)
Deputy Tommy 'Hawk' Hill: [Looking at Cooper's 10-ring target sheet] Only four hits?
Dale Cooper: Well I got four through the eyes and two through each nostril.

[Cooper is talking to his boss on the phone]
FBI Regional Bureau Chief Gordon Cole: I've got an OOJ and an AFO here from Albert concerning his mano a mano with the local Sheriff Truman. Albert wants this guy's badge, Coop.
Dale Cooper: Gordon, here's how it is. You know Albert. In my opinion, Sheriff Truman displayed the patience of a saint, *not* clocking him a day earlier than he did.
FBI Regional Bureau Chief Gordon Cole: He wants it filed with the U.S. Attorney.
Dale Cooper: File it under "F", for "forget it".
FBI Regional Bureau Chief Gordon Cole: Cooper.
Dale Cooper: And you tell Albert that if he wants to pursue this,
FBI Regional Bureau Chief Gordon Cole: [trying to interrupt] Coop.
Dale Cooper: I'll fight him all the way up the chain to Washington!
FBI Regional Bureau Chief Gordon Cole: Don't get excited and hang up, now.
Dale Cooper: I'll talk to you later, Gordon.
[Cooper hangs up]

Dale Cooper: Laura Palmer's murder was vicious and calculated. There's no telling what we'll encounter, bringing a suspect to ground. After Andy's mishap at the motel, I wanna make absolutely certain each of us is comfortable and confident with our firearms.
Deputy Tommy 'Hawk' Hill: Nice piece.
Dale Cooper: Actually, it's standard issue. I made a few modifications. How long has Lucy been upset with Andy?
Sheriff Truman: Body language?
Dale Cooper: In this case, it was yelling through a megaphone.

Deputy Andy Brennan: She won't speak to me and I don't know why. I don't know why she is doing what she is doing. I just can't figure her out.
Dale Cooper: There's no logic to work around here. Let that one go.
Dale Cooper: In the grand design women were drawn from a different set of blueprints

"Twin Peaks: Episode #2.12" (1991)
Special Agent Dale Cooper: [looking at real estate photos] What is this?
Irene Littlehorse: I thought I'd taken that out. That property is called Dead Dog Farm... and it's worse than it sounds.

DEA Agent Dennis: [Denise has just witnessed Audrey kiss Cooper] Now can we talk about something more important? Exactly how old is that "girl"?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Denise, I would assume you are no longer interested in girls!
DEA Agent Dennis: Coop, I may be wearing a dress - but I still put my panties on one leg at a time if you know what I mean!
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Not really...

Dale Cooper: Denise, I would assume you're no longer interested in girls.
DEA Agent Dennis: Coop, I may be wearing a dress, but I still pull my panties on one leg at a time, if you know what I mean
Dale Cooper: Not really.

"Twin Peaks: Episode #1.3" (1990)
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Nothing beats the taste sensation when maple syrup
[claps his hands]
Special Agent Dale Cooper: collides with ham.

[taking a sip of coffee and immediately spitting it out]
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Damn good coffee. And hot!

Dale Cooper: This must be where pies go when they die.

"Twin Peaks: Episode #2.6" (1990)
Dale Cooper: Where's Bob now?
"Mike" The One-Armed Man: In a large building with many rooms alike. But occupied by different souls night after night.

Dale Cooper: What does Bob want?
"Mike" The One-Armed Man: He is Bob, eager for fun. When he wears a smile, everybody run!

Dale Cooper: Now, Gordon. What the hell is this about a Mexican Chihuahua?
Gordon Cole: You've got a problem of a different sort here, Coop. Two and two do not always equal four.

"Twin Peaks: Episode #2.2" (1990)
Albert Rosenfield: I've performed the autopsy on Jacques Renault. Stomach contents revealed... let's see, beer cans, a Maryland licence plate, half a bicycle tire, a goat, and a small wooden puppet. Goes by the name of Pinocchio.
Dale Cooper: You're making a joke!
Albert Rosenfield: I like to think of myself as one of the happy generation.

Dale Cooper: Who shot me Albert?
Albert Rosenfield: My men are interrogating the hotel staff and the guests as we speak. They're the usual bumper crop of simple-minded, rural no-nothings and drunken fly fishermen. Nothing so far. Oh by the way, I personally found and talked with the waiter who delivered your glass of warm milk from that night. The world's oldest and most decrepit room service waiter remembers nothing unusual about the night in question. No surprise there. Being 104 years old, Senor Drool cup has, shall we say, a mind that wanders.

Albert Rosenfield: Dedication to duty is not the only reason of my return to Twin Peaks. It's about Windom Earle.
Dale Cooper: Agent Earle? But he's retired!
Albert Rosenfield: Yeah, I know. To a nice, comfortable chair complete with wrist and ankle restraints at the local laughing academy in D.C., until recently.
Dale Cooper: What happened?
Albert Rosenfield: Nobody knows. One day he's there, the next... poof! He disappeared. He escaped. Vanished into thin air. Your former partner flew the coop, Coop.

"Twin Peaks: Episode #2.22" (1991)
[last line of the series]
Dale Cooper: How's Annie? How's Annie?

Windom Earle: [talking backwards; subtitled] If you give me your soul, I'll let Annie live.
Dale Cooper: I will.
[Windom Earle stabs Cooper. The stabbing scene suddenly rewinds. Bob appears and grabs a screaming Windom]
Bob: [to Windom; talking backwards] Be quiet! Be quiet!
[to Dale]
Bob: [talking backwards] You go. He is wrong. He can't ask for your soul. I will take his.

Annie Blackburn: [talking backwards; subtitled] Dale... I saw the face of the man who killed me.
Dale Cooper: Annie? The face of the man who killed you?
Annie Blackburn: [talking backwards] It was my husband.
Dale Cooper: Annie?
Annie Blackburn: [talking backwards] Who's Annie? It's me.
[the Caroline doppelgänger appears]
Caroline: [talking backwards] It's me. It's me.
Dale Cooper: Caroline?
Annie Blackburn: [reappears; talking backwards] You must be mistaken. I'm alive.

"Twin Peaks: Episode #1.6" (1990)
[first lines]
Dale Cooper: [into his mini tape recorder] Diane, it is 4:28 AM. I have just been woken up by the most God-awful racket which you can probably hear over the sound of my voice.
[Cooper holds up the tape recorder to a record a loud Icelandic drinking song coming from the next room]
Dale Cooper: Can you hear that? Up until this moment I have experienced nothing at the Great Northern Hotel but the most pleasant and courteous service imaginable. However, it just goes to prove a point that once a traveler leaves his home he loses almost 100% of his ability to control his environment. Diane, I was wondering if you could overnight express me a pair of pillow silicon ear plugs that I wore on my last trip to New York. Naturally, I didn't bring them with me on this trip because I didn't think I'd be needing them. However...
[Cooper again holds up the tape recorder to record the loud Icelandic song, and then turns the recorder off]

Audrey Horne: I can't believe you were ever my age.
Dale Cooper: I've got the pictures to prove it.

"Twin Peaks: Episode #1.7" (1990)
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Harry, what's on your mind?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: I'm worried about Josie. She's been really afraid.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: About what?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: Ben Horne and Catherine Martell. They've been seeing each other on the sides, it's been going on for years. Josie just found out. She thinks that they are planning to burn down the sawmill, and somehow get rid of her too.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Do you belive her?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: Well... I know that Ben Horne wants that land around the sawmill for Ghostwood Developments, and Josie won't sell. So, yeah. I believe her.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Well, how much do you know about her? Where she's from? Who she was before she came to Twin Peaks?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: What are you getting at?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: The truth Harry. Because that's my job.

[first lines]
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Audrey, you're a high school girl. I'm an agent of the FBI.
Audrey Horne: So, do you want me to leave or what?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: What I want and what I need are two different things, Audrey.

"Twin Peaks: Episode #1.8" (1990)
[of Jacques Renault]
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: Do you believe him?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: He's too stupid to lie.

Special Agent Dale Cooper: [Talking to tape recorder] As you can hear from the ambience sound around me, and I notice with some relief, that the icelandic group staying on my floor has either checked or passed out.

"Twin Peaks: Episode #2.11" (1990)
FBI Agent Roger Hardy: Agent Cooper, it's showtime. You've heard the charges. What do you wish to present as your defense?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: I have no defense. I am completely confident that in the rightness of my actions. Some of it occurred outside of Bureau guidelines, and I will pay the price for that. But I am innocent of any criminal wrongdoing. If they wish to charge me, I will defend myself in a court of law.
FBI Agent Roger Hardy: Dale. There's a right way and a wrong way to do this. And the first thing we expect is for a Bureau man to stand up for himself. A man who can't, who doesn't even try, well, he may be packing feathers where his spine is supposed to be.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Roger. I know the moves I'm supposed to make. And I know the board.
FBI Agent Roger Hardy: So?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And I've started to focus out beyond the edge of the board. On a bigger game.
FBI Agent Roger Hardy: What game?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: The sound the wind makes through the vines. The sentience of animals. What we fear in the dark and what lies beyond the darkness.
FBI Agent Roger Hardy: What the hell are you talking about?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: I'm talking about seeing beyond fear, Roger. About looking at the world with love.
FBI Agent Roger Hardy: They're liable to extradite you for murder and drug trafficking.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: These are things I cannot control.

Special Agent Dale Cooper: Have any of you fellows heard of a place called the White Lodge?
Deputy Tommy 'Hawk' Hill: Where did you hear that?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Well, it was the last thing Major Briggs said to me before he disappeared. He asked me if I ever heard of a place called the White Lodge and I told him I hadn't. He wouldn't tell me why.
Deputy Tommy 'Hawk' Hill: Cooper, you may be fearless in this world. But there are other worlds. Worlds beyond life and death. Worlds beyond scientific reality.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Tell me more.
Deputy Tommy 'Hawk' Hill: My people believe that the White Lodge is a place where the spirits that rule man and nature reside. There is also a legend of a place called the Black Lodge. The shadow self of the White Lodge. Legend says that every spirit must pass through there on the way to perfection. There, you will meet your own shadow self. My people call it The Dweller on the Threshold.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Dweller on the Threshold.
Deputy Tommy 'Hawk' Hill: But it is said that if you confront the Black Lodge with imperfect courage, it will utterly annihilate your soul.

"Twin Peaks: Episode #2.10" (1990)
Dale Cooper: Major, I'm going to take a moment here. I feel the call of nature. There's nothing quite like urinating out in the open air.

Twin Peaks: The Missing Pieces (2014)
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Diane, you haven't changed your hair and I've seen that beautiful dress before, but I must say you look sensational today. No, I'm not trying to buy time. It's Thursday and you have changed something in this room and this time you've done very well... very well but I'm going to tell you exactly what it is... in a moment... you have changed... GOT IT! Diane, you've moved that clock twelve inches to the left! Ah yes, another triumph for the dashing Agent Cooper. And now, Diane, you must clean the coffee cups, get fresh-ground coffee from Sally, and make a damn great pot of coffee.

"Twin Peaks: Episode #2.18" (1991)
Dale Cooper: Anything?
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: No, nothing. She wants to speak to the South African Consulate.
Dale Cooper: [surprised] In Twin Peaks?

"Twin Peaks: Episode #2.4" (1990)
Judge Clinton Sternwood: [meeting Cooper for the first time] Mr. Cooper, how do you find our little corner of this world?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Heaven, sir.
Judge Clinton Sternwood: Well, this week, heaven includes arson, multiple homicides, and an attempt on the life of a federal agent.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Heaven is a large and interesting place, sir.

"Twin Peaks: Episode #2.14" (1991)
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Fellows! I've got an idea. Why don't we let Lana and the Mayor talk things over together? Alone.
Mayor Dwayne Milford: I don't wanna talk! I wanna shoot!
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Now Dwayne, you can always shoot later!Talk first...

"Twin Peaks: Episode #2.5" (1990)
Dale Cooper: I'm going to begin today with a headstand.
[Cooper performs said headstand]
Dale Cooper: Diane, I am now upside-down.