Captain Jack Harkness
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Quotes for
Captain Jack Harkness (Character)
from "Torchwood" (2006)

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"Torchwood: Day One (#1.2)" (2006)
Captain Jack Harkness: You want to prove yourself? Find her. Get your old pals in the police to do something useful for once.
Gwen Cooper: All right, I'll give them a call. Put out an A.P.B. "Woman posessed by gas knobbing fellas to death."

Captain Jack Harkness: Tosh was right though, she went for the ex boyfriend. Lucky she's young. Work your way through my back catalogue, we'll be here till the sun explodes.

Captain Jack Harkness: That was just a kiss, imagine the buzz you'd get from the rest.
[girl in his arms faints]
Captain Jack Harkness: Wasn't exactly the reaction I anticipated.

Captain Jack Harkness: Alright, usual formation.
Gwen Cooper: What's the usual formation?
Owen Harper: Varies.
Gwen Cooper: How can the usual formation vary?

Captain Jack Harkness: What do we know?
Owen Harper: Bog standard space debris. That's a technical term.

Captain Jack Harkness: We all make mistakes, get over it.

Captain Jack Harkness: [to the delivery man Carys has been about to shag] Put your trousers on and get out. NOW!
[the delivery man goes]
Captain Jack Harkness: It almost breaks my heart to say those words.

Owen Harper: [Gwen is snogging Carys] I thought she said she had a boyfriend?
Captain Jack Harkness: You people and your quaint little categories.

Gwen Cooper: That girl's body has been overrun by I don't know what, and you think it's a joke?
Owen Harper: Jesus, sorry!
Gwen Cooper: We should be helping her, she's not some lab rat.
Owen Harper: No, she's a murderer. And you were the one who wanted her caught. How come suddenly she's your best friend?
Captain Jack Harkness: [to Gwen] You know, strictly speaking, throttling the staff is my job.
Ianto Jones: [entering] Who wants Chinese?

[the captive alien has made it up to reception with the doctor's hand as a hostage]
Ianto Jones: Need me to do any attacking, sir?
Captain Jack Harkness: Appreciate the offer. Just open the door.

Gwen Cooper: Is this CrimInt? This is the police computer system, you shouldn't have this.
Captain Jack Harkness: Might wanna stop saying "you" and start saying "we".

Gwen Cooper: What about his family? You can't just fake his death!
Captain Jack Harkness: You want to tell his family he died screwing an alien?

Private Moriarty: Who the hell are you?
Gwen Cooper: Hi. Sorry.
Sgt. Johnson: This area's restricited.
Gwen Cooper: No, it's alright. I'm with Special Ops. I'm Special Ops. Torchwood? I'm with Torchwood.
Sgt. Johnson: Don't mess with me, little girl. You're not with Torchwood. And even if you were...
Captain Jack Harkness: [pushing past] You'd have put out the welcome banners. Now, first of all, she's no little girl. From where I'm standing, all the right curves in all the right places. But she is Torchwood, we both are, and we'd appreciate it if you'd leave us to do the real work.

Captain Jack Harkness: So what's our next move?
Owen Harper: Stop the entire city of Cardiff from shagging?
Gwen Cooper: Put bromide in the water supply.
Captain Jack Harkness: No. Too hit and miss.
Owen Harper: Yeah, and the water company got really pissed off the last time we did that.

Captain Jack Harkness: [watching CCTV] Wow.
Toshiko Sato: My God!
Gwen Cooper: He just...
Captain Jack Harkness: Came and went.
Owen Harper: Now that's how I'd like to go.
Toshiko Sato: I'm sure we could arrange it.

Gwen Cooper: So what's that supposed to do?
Captain Jack Harkness: I'm using satellite tracking data to determine the inward trajectory of the meteorite.
Toshiko Sato: He means he's trying to find out where its come from.
Captain Jack Harkness: Hey, sometimes a little techno-babble is good for the soul.

Owen Harper: Oi, you lot. Treat.
Toshiko Sato: Whoa.
Captain Jack Harkness: Wow.
Owen Harper: I thought she said she had a boyfriend.
Captain Jack Harkness: You people and your quaint little categories.
Toshiko Sato: We should really get her out of there.
Captain Jack Harkness: Yeah. I mean, yeah. Come on.
Owen Harper: Just record a bit first.

"Doctor Who: Utopia (#3.11)" (2007)
The Doctor: We're accelerating into the future. The year one billion, five billion, five trillion, fifty trillion... What? The year one hundred trillion? That's impossible!
Martha Jones: Why? What happens then?
The Doctor: We're going to the end of the universe.
[Captain Jack Harkness is seen in the time vortex hanging onto the TARDIS]
Captain Jack Harkness: [shouts] Doctor!

Captain Jack Harkness: Captain Jack Harkness. And who are you?
Martha Jones: [smiles] Martha Jones.
Captain Jack Harkness: [half smile, half laugh] Nice to meet you Martha Jones.
The Doctor: Oh, don't start!
Captain Jack Harkness: [defensively] I was only saying hello.
Martha Jones: I don't mind.

Captain Jack Harkness: [to a refugee] Captain Jack Harkness. And who are you?
The Doctor: Stop it!

The Doctor: It strikes me, Professor, that you've got a room that no one can enter without dying. Is that correct?
Prof. Yana: Yes.
The Doctor: Well...
[Jack comes back to life]
The Doctor: ...I think I've got just the man.
Captain Jack Harkness: Was someone kissing me?

The Doctor: You might be out there somewhere.
Captain Jack Harkness: I can go meet myself.
The Doctor: Well, the only man you're ever going to be happy with.
Captain Jack Harkness: This new regeneration, it's kinda cheeky.

Martha Jones: What killed it?
The Doctor: Time. Just time. Everything's dying now. All the great civilisations have gone. This isn't just night, all the stars have burnt out and faded away, to nothing.
Captain Jack Harkness: They must have an atmospheric shell. We should be frozen to death.
The Doctor: Well, Martha and I maybe. Not so sure about you Jack.
Martha Jones: But what about the people. Does no one survive?
The Doctor: I suppose... we have to hope. Life will find a way.

The Doctor: [about Rose] Everything she did was so human. She brought you back to life, but she couldn't control it. She brought you back forever. That's something, I suppose. The final act of the Time War was life.
Captain Jack Harkness: [working a power system panel] Do you think she could change me back?
The Doctor: I took the power out of her. She's gone, Jack. She's not just living on a parallel world. She's trapped there. The walls have closed.
Captain Jack Harkness: I'm sorry.
The Doctor: Yeah.
Captain Jack Harkness: I went back to her estate in the Nineties, just once or twice, watched her growing up. Never said hello, time lines and all that.
The Doctor: Do you want to die?
Captain Jack Harkness: [pulling on a power system panel] This one's a little stuck.
The Doctor: Jack.
Captain Jack Harkness: I thought I did. I don't know, but this lot, you see them out here surviving and that's fantastic.

The Doctor: I can't help it. I'm a Time Lord. It's instinct; it's in my guts. You're a fixed point in time and space; you're a fact. That's never meant to happen. Even the TARDIS reacted against you, tried to shake you off. Flew all the way to the end of the universe just to get rid of you.
Captain Jack Harkness: So what you're saying is... you're prejudiced?
The Doctor: I never thought of it like that.
Captain Jack Harkness: Shame on you.

Martha Jones: Doctor, it's the Professor. He's got this watch, this fob watch that's the same as yours. Same writing, same everything.
The Doctor: [looking terrified] Don't be ridiculous.
Martha Jones: I asked him, he said he's had it his whole life.
Captain Jack Harkness: So, he's got the same watch.
Martha Jones: But it's not a watch, it's a thing, a chameleon thing.
The Doctor: No, no, no, it's this thing, this device, it re-writes biology. Changes a Time Lord into a human.
[Jack looks up]
Martha Jones: And it's the same watch!
The Doctor: [desperately] It can't be.
Captain Jack Harkness: That means he could be a Time Lord. You may not be the last one.

Captain Jack Harkness: So there I was, stranded in the year two-hundred-one-hundred, ankle deep in Dalek dust, he goes off without me. But I had this. I used to be a Time Agent, it's called a Vortex Manipulator. He's not the only one who can time travel...
The Doctor: Excuse me, that's not time travel. It's like, I've got a sports car, you've got a Space Hopper.
Martha Jones: Oh, boys and their toys.
Captain Jack Harkness: All right, so I bounced.

Captain Jack Harkness: Captain Jack Harkness.
The Doctor: Stop it!
Captain Jack Harkness: Can't I say hello to anyone?
Chantho: Chan-I do not protest-tho.
Captain Jack Harkness: [winks] Maybe later, blue.

Martha Jones: But isn't that brilliant?
The Doctor: It is, of course it is, but depends which one. Brilliant, fantastic, yeah. But they died, the Time Lords, all of them, they died!
Captain Jack Harkness: Not if he was human.
The Doctor: What did he say, Martha? WHAT DID HE SAY?
Martha Jones: [taken aback] He looked at the watch like he could hardly see it, like that perception filter thing...
The Doctor: And what about now? Can he see it now?

Captain Jack Harkness: So what are those things outside? The Beastie boys, what are they?
Professor Yana: We call them the Futurekind. Which is a myth in itself. But it's feared they are what we will become unless we reach Utopia.

Captain Jack Harkness: Doctor.
The Doctor: Captain.
Captain Jack Harkness: Good to see you.
The Doctor: And you. Same as ever. Although, have you had work done?
Captain Jack Harkness: You can talk!
The Doctor: [looks confused for a second] Oh yes, the face. Regeneration. How did you know this was me?
Captain Jack Harkness: The police box kinda gives it away.

[Jack prepares to enter a deadly radiation filled room]
The Doctor: Whoa, what are you taking your clothes off for?
Captain Jack Harkness: I'm goin' in!
The Doctor: By the looks of it, I'd say the Stet radiation doesn't affect clothes, only flesh.
Captain Jack Harkness: Well, I'll look good though.

The Doctor: When did you realise?
Captain Jack Harkness: Earth, 1892. Got in a fight on Ellis Island. Man shot me through the heart, then I woke up. Thought it was kinda strange. But then it never stopped. Fell off a cliff, trampled by horses, world war one, world war two, poison, starvation, a stray javelin...
The Doctor: [painful] Ooh!
Captain Jack Harkness: In the end, I got the message. I'm the man who can never die. And all that time you knew.
The Doctor: That's why I left you behind. It's not easy, even just... just looking at you, Jack, 'cause you're wrong.
Captain Jack Harkness: Thanks.

Martha: [lifting a Tank of water containing a hand out of Jack's bag and placing it on the tabetop] Oh, my, God! You've got a hand? A hand in a jar? A hand, in a jar, in your bag!
Doctor: Bu-tha-tha-that's *my* hand!
Jack: I said I had a Doctor Detector.
Chantho: Chan, is this a tradition amongst your people, tho?
Martha: Not on my street! What do you mean that's your hand? You've got both your hands! I can see them!
Doctor: Long story. I lost my hand, Christmas Day, in a sword fight.
[Flashback: The Sycorax Leader chops the Doctor's hand off]
Martha: What? And you... grew another hand?
Doctor: Um, yeah. I did, yeah.
[holds it up and waves it]
Doctor: Hello.
Professor Yana: [to the Doctor] Might I ask, what species are you?
Doctor: Time Lord. Last of. Heard of them? Legend or anything? Not even a myth? Blimey, the end of the Universe is a bit humbling.
Chantho: Chan, it is said that I am the last of my species too, tho.
Doctor: Sorry, what was your name?
Professor Yana: My assistant, and good friend Chantho. A survivor of the Malmooth, this was their planet Malcassairo, before we took refuge.
Doctor: The city outside, that was yours?
Chantho: Chan, the conglomeration died, tho.
Doctor: Conglomeration! That's what I said!
Jack: You're supposed to say, "sorry".
Doctor: Oh, yes.
[to Chantho]
Doctor: Sorry.
Chantho: Chan, most grateful, tho.

"Torchwood: Everything Changes (#1.1)" (2006)
Captain Jack Harkness: There you go. I can taste it. Oestrogen. Definitely oestrogen. You take the pill, flush it away, it enters the water cycle, feminises the fish. Goes all the way up into the sky, then falls all the way back down onto me. Contraceptives in the rain. Love this planet. Still, at least I won't get pregnant. Never doing that again.

Captain Jack Harkness: And before we go any further, who the hell orders pizza under the name of Torchwood?
Owen Harper: Uh yeah, that would be me, sorry I'm a twat.

Owen Harper: Shit. I said it was stupid, telling him he was dead.
Toshiko Sato: Well, you try it!
Owen Harper: Trust me, like that's going to work!
Captain Jack Harkness: Told the last corpse he was injured. He wasted the whole two minutes screaming for an ambulance.

Gwen Cooper: But... but they can see the lift! Why aren't they, I mean... we are right out in the open, they can see everything!
Captain Jack Harkness: Do they look like they can see us?
Gwen Cooper: No, but look at us! We couldn't be any more public!
Captain Jack Harkness: [calling to passers-by] Hello! Hey, you there, hello!
[to Gwen]
Captain Jack Harkness: It's called the perception filter. He can sort of see us, but we don't quite register, just like something in the corner of your eye. It only works on this exact spot. Step off... hi! Nice night. Ooh, hello we are perceived.
Gwen Cooper: How does it work?
Captain Jack Harkness: No idea. We know how to use it, not how it happens, but if I were to guess, I would say that there was once a dimensionally transcendental chameleon circuit placed right on this spot which welded its perception properties to a spacio-temporal rift. But that sounds kinda ridiculous. Invisible lift has got more of a ring to it, don't'cha think?

Gwen Cooper: The thing is, I just don't understand...
Captain Jack Harkness: No, I tell you what I don't understand, you're going to rattle on with that "how can this be true" kinda shtick. What's it gonna take for you people? If you want evidence of aliens, how about that great big spaceship hovering over London on Christmas day? What about the battle of Canary Wharf, a Cyberman in every home?
Gwen Cooper: My boyfriend says it's like a sort of terrorism, that they'd put drugs in the water supplies, psychotropic drugs causing mass hallucinations and stuff.
Captain Jack Harkness: Yeah, well your boyfriend's stupid.
Gwen Cooper: Oh, you've met him.

Gwen Cooper: So go on then. How the hell did you end up in Cardiff?
Captain Jack Harkness: This is Torchwood Three. Torchwood One was London, destroyed in the battle. Torchwood Two is an office in Glasgow, very strange man. Torchwood Three, Cardiff. Torchwood Four's kind of gone missing but we'll find it one day.

Gwen Cooper: Owen and Toshiko, you didn't tell them that you were shot in the head and survived.
Captain Jack Harkness: You didn't tell them either. Followed my lead. Keep doing that, you might just get through this.
Gwen Cooper: But she killed you!
Captain Jack Harkness: I can't die.
Gwen Cooper: Ok!
Captain Jack Harkness: But I can't. Something happened to me a while back. Long story and far away. But I was killed, and I was brought back to life, and since then, I can't die.
Gwen Cooper: But how...?
Captain Jack Harkness: I don't know. One day I'll find a doctor, the right sort of doctor, and maybe he can explain it, but until then...
Gwen Cooper: Nothing kills you?
Captain Jack Harkness: Well, it kinda freaks people out. Best if you don't say anything.

Captain Jack Harkness: [introducing Gwen to the Torchwood members] Owen Harper, Gwen Cooper.
Owen Harper: Dr. Owen Harper, thank you.
Captain Jack Harkness: Toshiko Sato, computer genius. Suzie Costello, she's second in command. And this is Ianto Jones. Ianto cleans up after us and gets us everywhere on time.
Ianto Jones: I try my best.
Captain Jack Harkness: And he looks good in a suit.
Ianto Jones: [smiling] Careful. That's harassment, sir.

Captain Jack Harkness: We know how to use it, not how it happens, but if I were to guess, I would say that there was once a dimensionally trancendental chameleon circuit placed right on this spot, which welded its perception properties to a spatial-temporal rift. But that sounds kind of ridiculous. Invisible lift has got more of a ring to it, don't you think?

Gwen Cooper: And who are you, then?
Captain Jack Harkness: Captain Jack Harkness.
Gwen Cooper: I did some research. And there's only one Captain Jack Harkness on record and he disappeared in 1941.
Captain Jack Harkness: Well, that couldn't be me... Could it?

Gwen Cooper: So, you catch aliens?
Captain Jack Harkness: Yep.
Gwen Cooper: You catch aliens for a living.
Captain Jack Harkness: Yes, we do.
Gwen Cooper: You're an alien catcher.
Captain Jack Harkness: Yes, I am.
Gwen Cooper: Caught any good aliens?
Captain Jack Harkness: Tons of them.
Gwen Cooper: That's a hell of a job.
Captain Jack Harkness: [chuckling] Sure is.

Captain Jack Harkness: How's your drink?
Gwen Cooper: Have you poisoned me?
Captain Jack Harkness: Don't be so dramatic. It's an amnesia pill. My own recipe with a touch of denial and a dash of retcon. Wake up tomorrow morning and you'll have forgotten everything about Torchwood. Worse still, you'll have forgotten me. Which is kind of tragic.

Captain Jack Harkness: We don't just catch aliens. We scavenge the stuff they leave behind, find ways of using it, arming the human race for the future. The 21st century's when it all changes, and you gotta be ready.
Gwen Cooper: But who's in charge of you? Is it the government, or what?
Captain Jack Harkness: We're separate from the government, outside the police, beyond the United Nations. Cause if one power got hold of this stuff, they could use it for their own purposes.

Gwen Cooper: You bastard!
Captain Jack Harkness: [completely unoffended] Likely...

Captain Jack Harkness: There you go. I can taste it. Oestrogen. Definitely oestrogen. You take the pill, flush it away, it enters the water cycle, feminizes the fish. Goes all the way up into the sky, then falls all the way back down onto me. Contraceptives in the rain. Love this planet. Still, at least I won't get pregnant. Never doing that again...

"Doctor Who: The Sound of Drums (#3.12)" (2007)
The Doctor: [to Martha and Jack] Oh! I know what it's like. It's like when you fancy someone, and they don't even know you exist. That's what it's like.
[Martha looks crestfallen, and turns to Jack for support]
Captain Jack Harkness: [to Martha] You too, huh?

Captain Jack Harkness: Still, at least we made it. Earth, twenty-first century by the looks of it. Talk about lucky.
The Doctor: That wasn't luck. That was me.

Captain Jack Harkness: What do you say I use this perception filter to sneak up behind him and just break his neck?
The Doctor: Now that sounds like Torchwood.
Captain Jack Harkness: Still a good plan.
The Doctor: He's a Time Lord, which makes him my responsibility. I'm not here to kill him. I'm here to save him.

Captain Jack Harkness: But all the legends of Gallifrey made it sound so perfect.
The Doctor: Well, perfect to look at, maybe. And it was, it was beautiful. They used to call it the Shining World of the Seven Systems. And on the continent of Wild Endeavour, in the mountains of Solace and Solitude, there stood the Citadel of the Time Lords. The oldest and most mighty race in the universe. Looking down on the galaxies below, sworn never to interfere, only to watch. Children of Gallifrey were taken from their families at the age of eight to enter the Academy. Some say that's where it all began, when he was a child. That's when the Master saw eternity. As a novice, he was taken for initiation. He stood in front of the Untempered Schism. It's a gap in the fabric of reality through which could be seen the whole of the vortex. We stand there, eight years old, staring at the raw power of time and space, just a child. Some would be inspired. Some would run away. And some would go mad.
Martha Jones: What about you?
The Doctor: Oh, the ones that ran away, I never stopped.

Captain Jack Harkness: [about The Master] So Doctor, who is he? How come the ancient society of Time Lords created a psychopath?
Martha Jones: And what is he to you? Like some sort of colleague or...
The Doctor: Friend at first.
Martha Jones: Thought you were going to say he was your secret brother or something.
The Doctor: You've been watching too much TV.

Martha Jones: What's it for? What does a paradox machine do?
Captain Jack Harkness: More important, can you stop it?
The Doctor: Not until I know what it's doing. Touch the wrong bit; blow up our solar system.
Martha Jones: Then we've got to get to the Master.
Captain Jack Harkness: Yeah, how are we going to stop him?
The Doctor: Oh, I've got a way. Sorry, didn't I mention it?

The Doctor: You work for Torchwood?
Captain Jack Harkness: I swear to you, it's different. It's changed. There's only half a dozen of us...
The Doctor: Everything Torchwood did, and you're part of it.
Captain Jack Harkness: The old regime was destroyed at Canary Wharf. I rebuilt it, I changed it, and when I did that, I did it for you, in your honour.

[the Doctor is trying to fix Jack's vortex manipulator]
The Doctor: Hold still!
Captain Jack Harkness: It won't work! I'm telling you, that thing hasn't worked for years.
The Doctor: That's because you didn't have me.

Captain Jack Harkness: The moral of the story is if you're gonna get stuck at the end of the universe, get stuck with an ex-time agent and his vortex manipulator.

[talking about Harold Saxon]
Captain Jack Harkness: Former Minister of Defence, first came to prominence when he shot down the Racnoss on Christmas Eve. Nice work by the way.
The Doctor: Oh, thanks.

Martha Jones: But this Master bloke, he's got the TARDIS. He could be anywhere in time and space.
The Doctor: No, he's here. Trust me.
Martha Jones: Who is he anyway? That voice at the end, that wasn't the Professor.
Captain Jack Harkness: The Master's a Time Lord. Then he must have regenerated.
Martha Jones: What does that mean?
Captain Jack Harkness: It means he's changed his face, voice, body, everything. New man.
[the Doctor is distracted by a beggar tapping out a repeating rhythm on an enamel mug - ~tum tum te tum, tum tum te tum, tum tum te tum~]
Martha Jones: Then how are we going to find him?
[the tapping starts to echo in the Doctor's head]
The Doctor: I'll know him, the moment I see him. Time Lords always do.

The Doctor: You can stop this right now. We can leave this planet. We can fight across the constellations if that's what you want, but not on Earth!
The Master: It's too late.
The Doctor: Why do you say that?
The Master: The drumming.
[taps out a drumbeat on the table with his fingers]
The Master: Can't you hear it?
[taps the beat again, continuously]
The Master: Inside my head. I thought it would stop. But it never does. It never, ever stops. Inside my head. The drumming, Doctor, the constant drumming.
The Doctor: I can help you. Please, let me help.
The Master: It's everywhere. Listen. Listen. Listen. Here come the drums... here come... the drums...
[a young man is loitering, beating out the drumbeat against his legs, just like Martha earlier, just like the beggar earlier, just like the Master... ~tum tum te tum~]
The Doctor: What have you done? Tell me, how have you done this? What are those creatures? Tell me!
The Master: Oooo, look! You're on TV!
The Doctor: Stop it! Answer me!
The Master: No, really, you're on telly! You and your little band, which by the way is ticking every demographic box, so congratulations on that. God, there you are.
The Master: You're public enemies 1, 2, and 3. Oh! And you can tell "Handsome Jack" that I've sent his little gang off on a wild goose chase to the Himalayas, so you won't be getting any help from them.
[the Doctor turns to look at Martha and Jack]
The Master: Go on, off you go, why not start out by turning to the...
[the Doctor turns to the right]
The Master: RIGHT!
The Doctor: [looks up and sees a CCTV camera] He can see us!
[He raises his sonic screwdriver and shorts out the CCTV]
The Master: Oh! You public menace! Better start running. Go on... run!
The Doctor: [closes the phone] He's got control of everything.
Martha Jones: What do we do?
Captain Jack Harkness: We've got nowhere to go.
Martha Jones: Doctor, what do we do?
The Master: Run, Doctor! Run for your life!
The Doctor: We run.
[the Doctor, Martha, and Jack all run]
The Master: [screaming into the phone] I SAID... RUN!

"Torchwood: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (#2.1)" (2008)
Captain John Hart: You've put on weight!
Captain Jack Harkness: You're losing your hair.
Captain John Hart: What are you wearing?
Captain Jack Harkness: Captain Jack Harkness, note the stripes.
Captain John Hart: Captain John Hart, note the sarcasm.
Captain Jack Harkness: Hey, I worked my way up through the ranks!
Captain John Hart: I bet the ranks were very grateful... I need a drink.
Captain Jack Harkness: I thought you'd never ask.
[Captain John downs a bottle of vodka]
Captain Jack Harkness: So, uh, how was rehab?
Captain John Hart: Rehabs. Plural.
Captain Jack Harkness: Drink, drugs, sex and...
Captain John Hart: [grins] Murder.
Captain Jack Harkness: [laughs] You went to murder rehab?
Captain John Hart: I know, ridiculous! The odd kill, who does it hurt?
Captain Jack Harkness: [sobers] You clean now?
Captain John Hart: Yeah, kicked everything. Living like a priest.

Captain Jack Harkness: Hey kids, did ya miss me?

Captain Jack Harkness: How are you, Ianto?
Ianto Jones: All the better for having you back, sir.
Captain Jack Harkness: Could we maybe drop the "sir" now? I mean, while I was away, I was thinking. Maybe we could, you know, when this is all done: dinner, a movie...
Ianto Jones: Are you asking me out on a date?
Captain Jack Harkness: Interested?
Ianto Jones: [scoffs] Well, as long as it's not in an office. Some fetishes should be kept to yourself...

Captain Jack Harkness: Oh yeah, loving that 'officey' feel. I always get excited in these places. To me they're exotic: office romances, photocopying your butt. Well, maybe not your butt, although, as we're here, why don't we photo...
Ianto Jones: [interrupting] The rift was active at these co-ordinates approximately 200 feet above ground. That means this floor, or the roof.

Gwen Cooper: You left us, Jack!
Captain Jack Harkness: [sigh] I know, I'm sorry.
Gwen Cooper: We knew nothing, Jack!
Toshiko Sato: Where were you?
Captain Jack Harkness: [smiles] I found my Doctor.
Owen Harper: Did he fix you?
Captain Jack Harkness: What's to fix? You don't mess with this level of perfection.
Ianto Jones: [softly] Are you going back to him?
Captain Jack Harkness: I came back for you.
Captain Jack Harkness: All of you.

Ianto Jones: [about Jack's WristComm] Woah, that never beeps.
Captain Jack Harkness: That's what I was thinking.
[presses button]
Captain John Hart: [via Hologram] I can't believe I got the answering machine. What can you be doing that's more important than me? Anyway, you've probably traced the energy shift, found the body - all me. Sorry about the mess, bill me for the clean up. Now, Drinks! Retrolog the transmission coordinates, that's where I am. And hurry up, work to do.
[American accent]
Captain John Hart: "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope."

Captain Jack Harkness: Torchwood. Outside the government, beyond the police, tracking down alien life on earth and arming the human race against the future. The 21st century is when everything changes... and Torchwood... is ready!

Captain John Hart: Ho, ho, do you have a team name? I love team names; go on.
Captain Jack Harkness: Torchwood.
Captain John Hart: Oh. Not Excalibur? Uh, Blizzard? Bikini Cops? No? Torchwood. Oh, dear.

[last lines]
Captain John Hart: Oh. By the way. Meant to tell you, I found Gray.
Gwen Cooper: Who's Gray?
Captain Jack Harkness: It's nothing.
Captain Jack Harkness: Let's get back to work.

Captain Jack Harkness: Looks like we're going to have to go through every drawer, bin and plant-pot.
Ianto Jones: Right, OK. I'll do this floor, don't want you getting over excited. You take the roof, you're good on roofs.
[pause; Jack starts to leave]
Ianto Jones: Jack? Why are we helping him?
Captain Jack Harkness: He's a reminder of my past, I want him gone.
Captain Jack Harkness: [Jack asked a Ianto on a date earlier] By the way, was that a yes?
Ianto Jones: Yes, yes...

Captain Jack Harkness: [about John] Three rules. One, don't believe anything he say. Two, always keep him in front of you. And three, under no circumstances let him kiss you.
Gwen Cooper: As if I would!
Captain John Hart: Has he got to the "no kissing" rule yet? He only invented that one because he wants me all to himself.

Captain Jack Harkness: [Introducing the team] Gwen Cooper, Ianto Jones, Toshiko Sato, Owen Harper, meet...
Captain John Hart: Captain John Hart.
Captain Jack Harkness: We go back.
Captain John Hart: Excuse me, we more than go back; we were partners.
Ianto Jones: [Softly] In what way?
Captain John Hart: In every way, and then some.
Captain Jack Harkness: It was two weeks.
Captain John Hart: Except that two weeks was trapped in a time loop, so we were together for five years. It was like having a wife.
Captain Jack Harkness: You were the wife.
Captain John Hart: *You* were the wife.
Captain Jack Harkness: No, you were the wife.
Captain John Hart: Oh, but I was a *good* wife!

"Doctor Who: The Empty Child (#1.9)" (2005)
Captain Jack Harkness: I've got you. You're fine, you're just fine. The tractor beam, it can scramble your head just a little.
Rose Tyler: Hello.
Captain Jack Harkness: Hello.
Rose Tyler: Hello. Sorry, there was 'hello' twice there. Dull, but, you know, thorough.
Captain Jack Harkness: Are you all right?
Rose Tyler: I'm fine! Why, you expecting me to faint?
Captain Jack Harkness: You look a little dizzy.
Rose Tyler: What about you? You're not even in focus...! Oh, boll...

Captain Jack Harkness: So, this companion of yours. Does he handle the business?
Rose Tyler: Well... I delegate a lot of that, yeah.
Captain Jack Harkness: Well, maybe we should go find him.
Rose Tyler: And how you gonna do that?
Captain Jack Harkness: Easy. I'll just scan for alien tech.
Rose Tyler: Finally, a professional.

Rose Tyler: You used to be a Time Agent. Now... you're some kind of freelancer.
Captain Jack Harkness: Oh, that's a little harsh. I like to think of myself as a criminal.

Captain Jack Harkness: It's 1941. The height of the London Blitz. The height of the German bombing campaign. But something else has fallen on London, a fully-equipped Chula warship. The last one in existence, armed to the teeth. And I know where it is. Because I parked it. If the Agency can name the right price, I can get it for you. But in two hours, a German bomb is gonna fall on it and destroy it forever. That's your deadline. That's the deal. Now, shall we discuss payment?

Captain Jack Harkness: So... when you say 'your companion', how disappointed should I be?
Rose Tyler: OK. We're standing in mid-air on a space-ship during a German air-raid. Do you really think now's a good time to be coming on to me?
Captain Jack Harkness: Perhaps not.
Rose Tyler: It was just a suggestion.

Captain Jack Harkness: [Rose falls from the barrage balloon rope but is caught by a beam of light. Captain Jack speaks to her via loudspeaker] I'm just programming your descent pattern. Stay still as you can and keep your hands and feet inside the light field.
Rose Tyler: Descent pattern?
Captain Jack Harkness: [via loudspeaker] Oh, and could you switch off your cell-phone?
[Rose starts to complain]
Captain Jack Harkness: No, seriously, it interferes with my instruments.
Rose Tyler: You know, no one ever believes that.
[switches phone off]
Captain Jack Harkness: [via loudspeaker] Thank you, that's much better.
Rose Tyler: Oh yeah, that's a real load off, that is! I'm hanging in the sky in the middle of a German air raid with a Union Jack across my chest but, hey, my mobile phone's off!

Captain Jack Harkness: Saw your time-travel vehicle. Love the retro look, by the way. Nice panels.

[on the Doctor and Rose's outfits]
Captain Jack Harkness: Oh, should've known, the way you guys are blending in with the local colour. I mean, Flag Girl was bad enough, but U-boat Captain?

Rose Tyler: So, who are you supposed to be then?
Captain Jack Harkness: [handing her a card] Captain Jack Harkness, 133 Squadron, Royal Air Force. American volunteer.
Rose Tyler: Liar. This is psychic paper. It tells me whatever you want it to tell me.
Captain Jack Harkness: How do you know?
Rose Tyler: Two things. One, I have a friend that uses this all the time, and two, you just handed me a piece of paper telling me you're single and you work out.
Captain Jack Harkness: Tricky thing, psychic paper.
Rose Tyler: Yeah. Can't let your mind wander when you're handing it over.
Captain Jack Harkness: [reading the paper she's just handed back] Oh, you sort of have a boyfriend called Mickey Smith, but you consider yourself to be footloose and fancy-free.
Rose Tyler: What?
Captain Jack Harkness: Actually the word you use is "available".
Rose Tyler: No way.
Captain Jack Harkness: And another one, "very".

Captain Jack Harkness: Go back to what you were doing.
The Doctor: We were talking about dancing.
Captain Jack Harkness: Didn't look like talking
Rose Tyler: Didn't feel like dancing.

[Jack watches the action from a balcony, and gets transfixed on Rose through his binoculars]
Officer: Get those lights out please!
[they start clearing out]
Officer: Come on, down to the shelter.
Algy: Jack? Are you going down to the shelter? Only, I've got to go off on some silly guard duty.
[Jack spots Rose]
Algy: Ah! Barrage Balloon, eh? Must've come loose. Happens now and then. Don't you RAF boys use them for target practice?
Captain Jack Harkness: [zooms in on Rose's crotch, which is visible due to her pants starting to come off] Excellent bottom!
Algy: I say, old man. There's a time and a place. Look - you should really be off.
Captain Jack Harkness: Sorry, old man.
[laughs, goes inside]
Captain Jack Harkness: I've gotta go and meet a girl. But you've got an excellent bottom too.
[He slaps Algy's bottom on the way out to emphasise this point. Algy looks rather pleased]

"Torchwood: They Keep Killing Suzie (#1.8)" (2006)
Swanson: Are you always this dressy for a murder investigation?
Captain Jack Harkness: What, you'd rather me naked?
Swanson: God help me, the stories are true.

Ianto Jones: If... you're interested, I've still got that stopwatch.
Captain Jack Harkness: So?
Ianto Jones: Well. Think about it. Lots of things you can do with a stopwatch.
Captain Jack Harkness: Oh. Yeah! I could think of a few.
Ianto Jones: There's quite a list.
Captain Jack Harkness: I'll send the others home early. See you in my office in... ten.
Ianto Jones: That's ten minutes, and counting.

Swanson: [into speaker phone] Alright Captain Jack. Just say that one more time, nice and clear.
Captain Jack Harkness: We're locked in our base and we can't get out.
[crowd of police around phone start to laugh]
Captain Jack Harkness: OK, you've had your fun. Now listen Detective Swanson, one of our team is in danger.
Swanson: [to the other police] Alright you lot, back to work.

Ianto Jones: [holding a cell phone] I've got reception sir.
Captain Jack Harkness: How'd you do that? We're sealed off.
Ianto Jones: Just use the water tower as a relay
Captain Jack Harkness: [takes phone] Nice work Ianto.
[goes to dial, stops]
Captain Jack Harkness: But who the hell do we phone?

Swanson: [Picking up phone] Better not be wasting my time.
Captain Jack Harkness: As a matter of fact I was wondering if you could do us a favour.
Swanson: What, the humble police helping the mighty Torchwood? Why don't you help yourselves like you normally do?
Captain Jack Harkness: Because we can't.
Swanson: Why's that?
Captain Jack Harkness: We're sort of busy.
Swanson: Well I'm busy too. Try someone else.
Captain Jack Harkness: No no no no no. It's, it's, it's just because we, we can't at the moment because we're sort of... stuck.
Swanson: In what way?
Captain Jack Harkness: We're locked in.
Swanson: You're locked in?
Captain Jack Harkness: Just a bit.
Swanson: Locked in where?
Captain Jack Harkness: Um, in our own base.
Swanson: You're locked inside your own base?
Captain Jack Harkness: And it's not funny.
Swanson: [gestures over another officer, trying not to laugh] And, um, how am I supposed to help you, exactly?
Captain Jack Harkness: We need a book of poetry.
[Swanson laughs]
Captain Jack Harkness: It's not funny.

[last lines]
Ianto Jones: What do you want me to say on the death certificate?
Captain Jack Harkness: Good question.
Ianto Jones: She had quite a few deaths in the end.
Captain Jack Harkness: I don't know.
Captain Jack Harkness: Death by Torchwood.
Ianto Jones: I'll put a lock on the door just in case she goes walking again.
Captain Jack Harkness: Na. No chance of that. The resurrection days are over, thank God.
Ianto Jones: Oh, I wouldn't be too sure. That's the thing about gloves, sir; they come in pairs.

Suzie Costello: But you can't Jack, because I'm the last thing left of Gwen Cooper, can't you see it? Just the smallest bit of her?
Captain Jack Harkness: Not one bit!
[he shoots Suzie]

Captain Jack Harkness: [after Jack shoots Max with a stun-gun] That one's for Ianto: Rizzen-Mitten, Life Knife, and that old favorite: Stun-Gun.

Gwen Cooper: Have I got this right? When I die, you get to keep all my possessions. My whole life's gonna get stashed in a locker!
Captain Jack Harkness: Rules and regulations.
Gwen Cooper: What if I leave all my stuff to Rhys?
Captain Jack Harkness: We'll stash him away too.

Owen Harper: B67, AKA-Retcon, AKA-The magic ingredient of the amnesia pill.
Gwen Cooper: And this belongs to us. Whoever this is it's someone we have the amnesia pill to.
Owen Harper: Is he remember that he's a serial killer, or is he becoming one because of the Retcon?
Gwen Cooper: Wait a minute. I've taken Retcon...
Captain Jack Harkness: ...Then, better stay away from sharp objects.

Owen Harper: Still, at least we've got a head start. If it's someone we've pissed off, that narrows it down to, oh, 4 or 5 million?
Captain Jack Harkness: And that's just the humans...

"Torchwood: Fragments (#2.12)" (2008)
[trying to catch a pterodactyl]
Ianto Jones: What exactly is your plan?
Captain Jack Harkness: I'm going to be the decoy.
Ianto Jones: And it will rip you to shreds.
Captain Jack Harkness: Dinosaurs? Had 'em for breakfast. Had to. Only source of pre-cooked food protein after the asteroid crashed. Long story.

Captain Jack Harkness: Time was, electrodes to the nipples meant the start of a good night.

[Alex, a fellow Torchwood employee of Jack's, has shot all their colleagues]
Captain Jack Harkness: Alex, listen. It's going to be okay.
Alex: No. It's not. It's really not. I looked inside. It showed me what's coming. They were mercy killings. It's the kindest thing I could do. So none of us see the storm. I'm sorry I can't do the same for you. 21st century, Jack. Everything's gonna change. And we're not ready.
[shoots himself]
Captain Jack Harkness: Alex!

Captain Jack Harkness: Silent types? That's okay. I used to date a guy with no mouth. Surprisingly creative.

Toshiko Sato: Who are you?
Captain Jack Harkness: Nobody. I don't exist... and for a man of my charisma, that's quite an achievement.

Captain Jack Harkness: And you are?
Ianto Jones: Jones, Ianto Jones.
Captain Jack Harkness: Nice to meet you, Jones Ianto Jones.

Ianto Jones: Like a butler! I could be a butler!
Captain Jack Harkness: We don't need a butler.
Ianto Jones: Excuse me, dried egg on your collar!
Captain Jack Harkness: [defensive] It was a busy week!

Captain Jack Harkness: [to the pterodactyl] Come back with me. I've got somewhere nice and big where you can fly around.
Ianto Jones: So you'll let the pterodactyl in and not me?
Captain Jack Harkness: I need a guard dog.
Ianto Jones: I could be that!

Captain Jack Harkness: [talking about the pterodactyl] Quite excitable!
Ianto Jones: Must be that aftershave.
Captain Jack Harkness: I never wear any.
Ianto Jones: You smell like that naturally?
Captain Jack Harkness: Fifty first century pheromones, you people have no idea!

Owen Harper: If you're not a figment of my imagination, then I don't know what's happening any more. Maybe this is what a mental breakdown feels like.
Captain Jack Harkness: You're fine. It's the rest of the world that's delusional.

Captain Jack Harkness: Owen. Why did you become a doctor?
Owen Harper: I thought if I could save one life, mine would be worthwhile. But you save one, and there's another and another, all clawing at you, demanding to be saved. And even if you do succeed, you can never save enough.
Captain Jack Harkness: Maybe here you can.

"Torchwood: Combat (#1.11)" (2006)
Captain Jack Harkness: Help me with the body.
Crazy Frog ringtone: [to a beat] A ding ding ding ding dididing ding bing bing pscht
Toshiko Sato: Is that his?
Crazy Frog ringtone: Dorhrm bom bom / Bom bedom bom bum ba ba
Captain Jack Harkness: You don't think I'd choose that ringtone.
Crazy Frog ringtone: Bom bedom bom bum ba ba
[Jack fishes through body's pockets to fine the phone]
Crazy Frog ringtone: Bouuuuum bom bom / Bouuuuum bom bom / Bom be barbedarm beda
Toshiko Sato: Don't answer it.
Crazy Frog ringtone: Bbrrrrrimm bbrrrrramm bbbrrrrrrrrr...
Captain Jack Harkness: [Jack flips open phone, silencing the ringtone] Hello?

Captain Jack Harkness: [Looking into Weevil cage] That leaves us one option. Okay Janet. Time for a trip out.
Toshiko Sato: You call it Janet?
Captain Jack Harkness: Barbara just never seemed right.

Toshiko Sato: You want to release a Weevil in the middle of Cardiff?
Captain Jack Harkness: Not exactly in the middle, a little to the side.

Captain Jack Harkness: Where the hell have you been?
Owen Harper: Walking.
Captain Jack Harkness: Well, in your absence, Toshiko's had a great idea.
Owen Harper: Well, it had to happen sooner or later.

Captain Jack Harkness: You ask me, these guys are using Weevils to carry out the perfect murder. No fingerprints, no traces of recognisable DNA; a quick, guaranteed death. Nothing to connect anyone to the murder.
Owen Harper: Right. Should be a piece of piss to find the killer, then.

Captain Jack Harkness: One: since when did other people know about Weevils? Two: have they done this before and, if so, how come we didn't know about it? Three: what do they want with them anyway?

Captain Jack Harkness: [to a Weevil he's cornered and trying to capture] Hate to break it to you, but you're not my first. Anti-weevil spray, hand clamps. Come on, let's make this easy for the both of us.
[Weevil attacks. Jack knees and punches Weevil. Weevil throws Jack against brick wall, scratches him across the chest, throws him aside again and runs off]
Captain Jack Harkness: Ah! Aah! Oh! Ugh! Oh, this always happens when I give 'em the night off!

Owen Harper: [Owen answers his cellphone] This is Owen's voicemail. Don't leave a message.
Captain Jack Harkness: Nice try, Owen. I want you back at the hub immediately. We've got a Weevil murder, so get your bony little ass over here now.
Owen Harper: [hangs up on Jack]

[in an outdoor French bistro, Rhys sees a Weevil in the distance, pursued by Jack]
Rhys Williams: What was that?
[Gwen looks around, sees Jack. Jack sees her and runs over. She smiles]
Gwen Cooper: [noticing Jack's injury] Oh God! What's happened to you?
Captain Jack Harkness: Rhys, is it? Nice to meet you. Sorry too, kind of an emergency. Uh, I'll have her back for dessert. Come on.
Rhys Williams: Hey, hold on, sunshine, that's my girlfriend!
Gwen Cooper: [explaining, cherubic-faced] Rhys, this is Jack!
Rhys Williams: Sit down, Gwen.
Gwen Cooper: [continuing] He's my boss.
Rhys Williams: [shouting] Sit the fuck down!
Gwen Cooper: [pregnant pause, expressionless] Don't ever speak to me like that.
[another dramatic pause]
Captain Jack Harkness: Come on, Gwen. Let's go.
Rhys Williams: [to Jack] Hey, she's with me tonight.
Rhys Williams: [to Gwen] One night off, you promised.
[Gwen stares and picks up her purse]
Rhys Williams: Don't you dare.
[Gwen looks daggers into Rhys and chases after Jack]
Rhys Williams: [yelling] If you go now, Gwen...
[Gwen continues running without one look back]

"Doctor Who: The Stolen Earth (#4.12)" (2008)
[last lines; the Doctor is struggling to get up]
Captain Jack Harkness: [taking Rose away] Here we go. Good luck, Doctor.
Donna Noble: Will somebody tell me what's going on?
Rose Tyler: When he's dying... his body... it repairs itself. It changes... but you can't?
The Doctor: I'm sorry, it's too late. I'm regenerating.
[the Doctor begins to regenerate]

Harriet Jones: Torchwood, this is Sarah Jane Smith.
Captain Jack Harkness: I've been following your work. Nice job with the Slitheen.
Sarah Jane Smith: Yeah, well I've been staying away for you lot. Too many guns.
[nods towards Luke]
Captain Jack Harkness: All the same, might I say looking good ma'am?
Sarah Jane Smith: Really? Ooh!
Harriet Jones: Not now, Captain.

Paul O'Grady: [on TV] Do you know what? I look up and there's all these moons and things, have you seen them? Do you see them?
[the audience agrees]
Paul O'Grady: What was I drinking last night? Furniture polish?
[Ianto laughs at the television screen]
Captain Jack Harkness: Ianto, time and a place!
Ianto Jones: It is funny though.

Captain Jack Harkness: I met a soldier in a bar...
[Ianto shoots him a death glare]
Captain Jack Harkness: [to Martha] Long story.
Ianto Jones: When was that?
Captain Jack Harkness: Strictly professional!

[Gwen has reported Harriet's subwave transmission to Jack]
Captain Jack Harkness: The whole world is crying out - ignore it.
Harriet Jones: Captain Jack Harkness, shame on you!

Unnamed UNIT operative: The shields are down, there's too many of them. Abandon ship! Abandon ship!
Captain Jack Harkness: [Jack runs to the monitor] Tha Valiant's down!
Ianto Jones: Air Force in retreat over North Africa, Daleks landing in Japan.
Gwen Cooper: We've lost contact with the Prime Minister's plane. Jack! Manhattan!
Captain Jack Harkness: [runs to his cell phone] Martha get out of there.
Martha Jones: [bandaging a colleague's head] I can't Jack, I've got a job to do.
Captain Jack Harkness: They're targeting military bases and you're next on the list.

Captain Jack Harkness: Gwen! Ianto! You okay?
Ianto Jones: No broken bones. Slight loss of dignity. No change there, though.

Mr Smith: I'm receiving a communication from the Earth-bound ships. They have a message for the human race.
Sarah Jane Smith: Put it through. Let's hear it.
[Sarah Jane is visibly shaken]
Dalek: [at Torchwood] EXTERMINATE!
Captain Jack Harkness: No.
Captain Jack Harkness: Oh no!
Gwen Cooper: What is it? Who are they? Do you know them, Jack?
[Jack embraces and kisses Ianto and Gwen on their temples]
Dalek: [at Bannerman Road, Sarah is practically frozen in teary-eyed fear] EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!
Sarah Jane Smith: [whispering] No.
Captain Jack Harkness: There's nothing I can do.
Captain Jack Harkness: I'm sorry; we're dead.
Sarah Jane Smith: [breaking down, hugging Luke] Oh, son, you're so young!
Dalek: [Rose listens at Megabyte City shop] EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

General Sanchez: Dr. Jones, you will come with me. Project Indigo is being activated. Quick march!
Martha Jones: But we can't use Project Indigo. It hasn't been tested, sir, we don't even know if it works.
General Sanchez: [a panel is opened to reveal a harness-like device] Put it on. Fast as you can!
Captain Jack Harkness: Martha, I'm telling you *don't* use Project Indigo, it's not safe.
General Sanchez: You take your orders from UNIT, Dr. Jones, not from Torchwood.
Martha Jones: [she straps herself into the device] But why me?
General Sanchez: You're our only hope of finding the Doctor. But failing that, if no help is coming, then with the power invested in me by the Unified Intelligence Taskforce I order you to take this.
[he holds out a small square device]
General Sanchez: The Osterhagen Key.
Martha Jones: I can't take that, sir!
General Sanchez: You know what to do! For the sake of the human race!
[She takes the key just as Daleks break onto their floor]
Dalek: Dalek Attack Squad Five reaching north corridor. Exterminate! Exterminate!
General Sanchez: Dr. Jones
[he salutes her then arms himself]
General Sanchez: Good luck.
Martha Jones: Bye, Jack.
Captain Jack Harkness: Martha, don't do it!
[she pulls the ripcords and vanishes just as General Sanchez is exterminated]
Captain Jack Harkness: DON'T!
Ianto Jones: [Jack throws his phone across the room in anger] What's Project Indigo?
Captain Jack Harkness: Experimental teleport salvaged from the Sontarans. But they haven't got coordinates or stabilization!
Gwen Cooper: So where is she?
Captain Jack Harkness: Scattered into atoms. Martha's down.

"Torchwood: Ghost Machine (#1.3)" (2006)
Captain Jack Harkness: This kid, Bernie. Where does he live?
Toshiko Sato: Splott.
Owen Harper: Splott?
Ianto Jones: I believe estate agents pronounce it, 'Sploe'.

Toshiko Sato: The little boy? You said there was a name on the card around his neck?
Gwen Cooper: Flanagan. Tom Erasmus Flanagan.
Captain Jack Harkness: Unusual name, that'll help. Run a full check. Births, marriages, deaths. Criminal records, passports. However long it takes, wherever he is, we'll find him.
Owen Harper: Found him. Flanagan, Thomas Erasmus. 74 Bryneiron Terrace, Butetown.
Owen Harper: He's in the phone book.

Captain Jack Harkness: The problem with seeing the future is you can't just sit and look at it. You got to try and change things. Make it happen differently.

Captain Jack Harkness: [pointing at table of guns] You need to know how to use these, though I hope you never have to.
Gwen Cooper: So, do I?
[giggles nervously]
Gwen Cooper: I'm sorry, it's just, I don't even kill spiders in the bath.
Captain Jack Harkness: Nor do I. Not with a gun.

Captain Jack Harkness: For the case to be reopened, you need new evidence or a new witness.
Owen Harper: I saw it happen.
Captain Jack Harkness: No, you didn't. You weren't there! You saw the echo of a moment amplified by alien technology. So just tell me how that'll play in court.

Gwen Cooper: When do you get to go home? You seem to live here. You don't, do you?
Captain Jack Harkness: Gotta be ready. The twenty-first century's when it all changes. And I hate the commute.
Gwen Cooper: Where do you sleep?
Captain Jack Harkness: I don't.
Gwen Cooper: Doesn't it get lonely at night?
[Jack doesn't answer]

Bernie: Aren't you going to arrest me?
Captain Jack Harkness: No. We're not the police.
Bernie: But I robbed that!
Captain Jack Harkness: I know.
Bernie: And you're gonna rob it back off me?
Captain Jack Harkness: So call the cops!

[Owen has a knife in Ed Morgan's face and speaks to him]
Owen Harper: Why should you get away with it?
Captain Jack Harkness: Owen...
Owen Harper: You said you were sorry, you said you didn't want to hurt her but you didn't stop!
Captain Jack Harkness: Owen!
Owen Harper: What if I didn't stop? Would I be sorry?

"Torchwood: End of Days (#1.13)" (2007)
Owen Harper: We need to be prepared. We're helpless. All we're doing here is putting sticking plasters on gaping wounds!
Captain Jack Harkness: What do you suggest?
Owen Harper: I suggest you lead us and you tell us what the instructions are.
Gwen Cooper: Owen.
Owen Harper: No, come on. You're all thinking it too. You're the big man here. You keep all the secrets. Well, now's the time to tell us a few and tell us how the hell we're going to get out of this!
Captain Jack Harkness: You wanna know the secret? There is no solution. I can't fix this. Because this was never meant to happen. The first thing you learned when you joined Torchwood is 'don't mess with the Rift'. But you disobeyed those orders, and now everything that's happening is down to you.
Gwen Cooper: I only disobeyed instructions to get you back!
Captain Jack Harkness: And now people are dying.
Owen Harper: What, so I shouldn't have bothered? Who the fuck are you anyway, Jack Harkness? You don't even exist. We've looked. So if you're not even a real person, then why the hell should I follow your orders?
Captain Jack Harkness: Get out.

Gwen Cooper: This is what happens here. We all end up alone. Not me. No way. You bring him back.
Captain Jack Harkness: No.
Gwen Cooper: The resurrection gauntlet...
Ianto Jones: Was destroyed.
Gwen Cooper: You've gotta have something else.
Captain Jack Harkness: I said no.
Gwen Cooper: No, there's something wrong with time so we, we can go back and, to the moment, to the very moment...
Captain Jack Harkness: Gwen!
Gwen Cooper: Well there's got to be, there's got to be something that you can do, otherwise what's the fucking point of you! You bring him back! You bring him back, do you understand me Jack fucking Harkness?
Captain Jack Harkness: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Gwen Cooper: I've got to get Rhys back.
Captain Jack Harkness: Yeah, you're so in love with Rhys, you spend half your time in Owen's bed.
Gwen Cooper: [Gwen punches Jack in the face] Fuck you!

Gwen Cooper: Jack, what would have tempted you? What visions would have convinced you to open the Rift?
Captain Jack Harkness: The right kind of Doctor.

[the team are planning to open the rift but Jack is trying to stop them]
Captain Jack Harkness: Gwen Cooper, so in love with your boyfriend you spend half your life in Owen's bed.
Gwen Cooper: [Gwen punches Jack in the face and he falls to the ground] Fuck you.
Owen Harper: [Owen points a gun at Jack's head] We're relieving you of your command, Captain.

[on Abaddon]
Captain Jack Harkness: If he feeds on life, I'm an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Gwen Cooper: [Rushing into the cell as the power comes back on, she sees Rhys lying in a large pool of blood] No! Rhys! No, please please God!
[She cradles him in her arms as Jack searches his neck for a pulse, and finds none]
Gwen Cooper: We-we can bring him back!
Captain Jack Harkness: Gwen, Gwen there's nothing we can do.
Gwen Cooper: Yes there is!
[she clutches Rhys closer to her]
Gwen Cooper: My boy! What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
[she screams in pain and agony, punching Jack on the shoulder]
Gwen Cooper: No! Noooooo!

"Doctor Who: Bad Wolf (#1.12)" (2005)
Captain Jack Harkness: What's a Defabricator?
Captain Jack Harkness: [his clothes get disintegrated]
Captain Jack Harkness: Okay, defabricator, does exactly what it says on the tin. Am I naked in front of millions of viewers?
Zu-Zana, Trine-e: [enthusiastically] Absolutely.
Captain Jack Harkness: Ladies, your viewing figures just went up.

Captain Jack Harkness: That's impossible. I know those ships. They were destroyed.
The Doctor: Obviously they survived.
Lynda: Who did? Who are they?
The Doctor: Two hundred ships. More than two thousand on board each one. That's just about half a million of them.
Male Programmer: Half a million what?
The Doctor: Daleks.
[cut to the interior of the ship]
Dalek: Alert! Alert! We are detected!

Trine-e: And now it's time for the face off.
Captain Jack Harkness: What does that mean? Do I get to...
[mimes boxing]
Captain Jack Harkness: ...compete with someone else?
Trine-e: No, like I said: face... off.
[has raised both hands to reveal syringes and a chain saw]

Captain Jack Harkness: [as The Doctor tries to patch into the computer system, Jack turns to Lynda and smiles, offering his hand] Hey there!
Lynda: [bright friendly smile] Hello.
Captain Jack Harkness: [as they shake hands] Captain Jack Harkness.
Lynda: Lynda Moss.
Captain Jack Harkness: Nice to meet you, Lynda Moss.
The Doctor: [not looking up, sounds annoyed] Do you mind flirting outside?
Captain Jack Harkness: [mildly defensive] I was just saying hello.
The Doctor: For you, that's flirting.
Lynda: [hand still linked with Jack's] I'm not complaining.
Captain Jack Harkness: [smiles back] Muchas gracias.
[kisses her hand]

Captain Jack Harkness: [after listening to Trin-e and Zu-Zana discuss what they're going to do to him] Hold on, ladies, I don't want to have to shoot either one of you.
Zu-Zana: But you're unarmed.
Trine-e: [as Jack reaches behind his back] You're naked.
Trine-e: [Jack has just revealed a small gun that he now points at Trin-e] But that's a Compact Laser Delux.
Zu-Zana: Where were you hiding that?
Captain Jack Harkness: [with the gun pointing at Zu-Zana] You *really* don't want to know.
Trine-e: [moving forwards] Give me that accessory!
[points gun back at Trin-e, shoots her and then Zu-Zana, blowing their heads to pieces]

Captain Jack Harkness: [about to open the door to Archive 6]
Female Programmer: [authoritatively and loudly] You're not allowed in there. Archive 6 is out of bounds.
Captain Jack Harkness: [raising his two large guns; shouts] Do I look like an 'out of bounds' sort of guy?

Male Programmer: [placing a logbook in front of Jack] Use that, it might contain the final numbers. I kept a log of all the unscheduled transmissions.
Captain Jack Harkness: [looks up at him; impressed] Nice, thanks.
[offers his hand]
Captain Jack Harkness: Captain Jack Harkness, by the way.
Male Programmer: [shakes hands with him] I'm Davitch Pavale.
Captain Jack Harkness: [smiling; in same tone he used when greeting Lynda] Nice to meet you, Davitch Pavale.
The Doctor: [looks down at Jack; annoyed again] There's a time and a place.

"Torchwood: Captain Jack Harkness (#1.12)" (2007)
Toshiko Sato: This period. You look like you fit in. Have you been here before?
Captain Jack Harkness: Yeah. I can't explain but I served in the war in 1941. I was undercover; I needed a false identity so I took... his name.
Toshiko Sato: Who were you before you took his name?
[Jack doesn't answer]
Toshiko Sato: Why him?
Captain Jack Harkness: It was convenient.
Toshiko Sato: But if you chose his identity to steal, then he...
Toshiko Sato: Dies. In battle.
Toshiko Sato: When?
Captain Jack Harkness: Tomorrow.

Toshiko Sato: Why does that man have your name? I'm lost enough here without you holding back on me.
Captain Jack Harkness: It's not my name. It's his. I took his. But I didn't realise he was... so hot.
Toshiko Sato: Jack!
Captain Jack Harkness: I know too much.
Toshiko Sato: Then share.
Captain Jack Harkness: You wouldn't want that. Trust me.

Captain Jack Harkness: I thought you'd gone.
[the Captain shrugs]
Captain Jack Harkness: This could be your last chance.
The Captain: That's why I came back.
[sits next to Jack]
Captain Jack Harkness: I might have to leave before the night is over.
The Captain: Well... then make the most of now.
[the Captain takes Jack's hand; their fingers entwine and Jack looks at The Captain in surprise, before they are interrupted and The Captain quickly stands up, letting Jack's hand go]

[Jack and Tosh walk into the ballroom of the Ritz dance-hall]
Captain Jack Harkness: Wow. Look at the chandelier. No neon lights back then. Just dashing young soldiers and pretty young ladies.
[Jack grabs Toshiko and starts dancing with her]
Captain Jack Harkness: And as they dance, the girls would look into their partner's eyes, smile softly and say...
Toshiko Sato: [as Jack spins her] Jack! Mind my laptop!
Captain Jack Harkness: I was thinking more along the lines of, "and how long before you head off to war?"

Toshiko Sato: Who were you?
Captain Jack Harkness: A conman. That's why I took his name, falsified his records so it seemed he was still alive
Toshiko Sato: How did you end up in Torchwood?
Captain Jack Harkness: Someone saved my life, brought me back from death, and ever since then it's been like... they're keeping me for something and I don't know what it is. I'm sorry for dragging you into this.
Toshiko Sato: It was my choice.
Captain Jack Harkness: I'll look after you.
[pauses; his voice breaks]
Captain Jack Harkness: But there's nothing I can do for him.

The Captain: Why did you make me kiss her goodbye?
Captain Jack Harkness: I just think you should live every night like it's your last. Make tonight the best night of your life. You're alive, right here, right now. Your men are fine.
The Captain: What are you trying to say?
Captain Jack Harkness: Go to her. Go to your woman and lose yourself in her.
The Captain: Maybe I should.
Captain Jack Harkness: Yeah.
The Captain: Is Toshiko your woman?
Captain Jack Harkness: No. There's no-one.
Captain Jack Harkness: Go to her.

Captain Jack Harkness: Look, it's okay to be scared.
The Captain: A captain has to keep his head.
Captain Jack Harkness: A captain needs to explain the risks, tell his men what to expect.
The Captain: So what do I do? Tell them I saw a young boy get shot in the eyes mid-flight?
Captain Jack Harkness: I understand.
The Captain: Do you? Did you hear him on the radio, yelling for his mom while the Messerschmitts pumped him full of holes and blew his plane apart? All I can hear on the radio is...
Captain Jack Harkness: - Screams. I went to war when I was a boy. I was with my best friend. We got caught crossing the border over enemy lines. They tortured him, not me, because he was weaker. They made me watch him die. And they let me go.
The Captain: Who were they?
Captain Jack Harkness: The worst possible creatures you could imagine. I persuaded him to join up. I said it would be an adventure. He hadn't lived.
The Captain: Have any of us?

"Torchwood: Sleeper (#2.2)" (2008)
Beth: [to Jack] Will it hurt?
Captain Jack Harkness: Yes.
Beth: Your bedside manner's rubbish.
Gwen Cooper: You should see his manners in bed. They're atrocious!... apparently. So I've heard.
Ianto Jones: Oh they are. I remember this one time...
Captain Jack Harkness: [clears throat forcefully]

Ianto Jones: Just us... in this room... for as long as it takes. Terrifying.
Captain Jack Harkness: Really?
Ianto Jones: Absolutely. Shivers down my spine.
Captain Jack Harkness: You don't look scared.
Ianto Jones: Well, it... passed.
[Jack raises fist in a mock threatening manner and growls]

Toshiko Sato: [as Captain Jack takes an alien artifact out of a box] You said we weren't allowed to use that again.
Captain Jack Harkness: It's just a mind probe.
Ianto Jones: Remember what happened the last time you used it?
Captain Jack Harkness: That was different. That species has extremely high blood pressure.
Ianto Jones: All right, their heads must explode all the time.
Gwen Cooper: Jack, we can't do this. What if you're wrong? If she is human, it'll kill her.
Captain Jack Harkness: I'm not wrong. We have to find out what she is.
Toshiko Sato: Take it easy, Jack. Stop at the first sign of trouble.
Ianto Jones: Or the first sign of exploding.

Captain Jack Harkness: Have a little faith. With a dashing hero like me on the case, how can we fail?
Ianto Jones: He is dashing. You have to give him that.

Police Officer: In my opinion, the husband did it. He was looking for trouble, expecting to be burgled.
Captain Jack Harkness: Really?
Police Officer: Yeah. Look. No other reason I can think of for keeping sports equipment in the basement.
Captain Jack Harkness: Oh, you should come around to my house for a game of hockey sometime.

Captain Jack Harkness: Stop wasting our time. We know you're an alien.
Beth: [disbelieving Jack] There's no such thing as aliens.

"Torchwood: Children of Earth: Day Four (#3.4)" (2009)
Captain Jack Harkness: All this time the one consolation I had, was the deal seemed to work.
Rhys Williams: It worked for 44 years. That's not a bad breathing space.

456 Voice: Then the fight begins.
Captain Jack Harkness: We're waiting for your reply.

Captain Jack Harkness: An injury to one is an injury to all.

456 Voice: This is fascinating, isn't it? The human infant mortality rate is 29 thousand 158 deaths per day. Every three seconds a child dies. The human response is to accept and adapt.
Captain Jack Harkness: We're adapting right now, and we're making this a war.
456 Voice: Then the fight begins.

Ianto Jones: I love you.
Captain Jack Harkness: [pause] Don't.
Captain Jack Harkness: [Ianto closes his eyes, dying] Ianto, stay with me. Stay with me. Please! Stay with me, please, please...
Ianto Jones: [Ianto opens his eyes again] Hey.
Ianto Jones: It was good, yea?
Captain Jack Harkness: Yea.
Ianto Jones: Don't forget me.
Captain Jack Harkness: Never could.
Ianto Jones: A thousand years time? You won't remember me.
Captain Jack Harkness: Yes I will. I promise. I will.
[Ianto dies]

[the 456 have sealed Thames House and is pumping a virus into the air]
456 Voice: You are dying, even now.
Captain Jack Harkness: [grabbing Ianto] We've gotta get you outta here. I can survive anything, but you can't.
Ianto Jones: Too late. I breathed the air.
Captain Jack Harkness: There's gotta be something. There's gotta be an antidote!
456 Voice: [Affronted] You said you would fight.
Captain Jack Harkness: [releasing Ianto and facing the 456] Then I take it back, alright? I take it all back, but not him!
[Ianto collapses]
Captain Jack Harkness: [catching him] No! No no no, no, no. Ianto!

"Torchwood: Something Borrowed (#2.9)" (2008)
Captain Jack Harkness: [having splattered the nostrovite all over Rhys, who's holding a chainsaw] That whole Evil Dead thing looks good on you, Rhys.

Captain Jack Harkness: What is it with you? Ever since Owen died all you do is agree with him!
Ianto Jones: I was brought up never to speak ill of the dead, even if they still do most of the talking for themselves.

Captain Jack Harkness: What I don't understand is if people are going to make such a big deal about getting married, why come all the way out into the middle of nowhere where no one can find you to do it? That, to me, suggests inner conflict.
Ianto Jones: It's because the happy couple want everything to be perfect.
Owen Harper: An alien egg in your belly and its mother coming to rip you open. Yeah, perfect.

Captain Jack Harkness: Passed the eggs on in the bite. Some species do that. A kind of sneaky way of keeping the bloodline going. Boy, would Darwin have a field day if he'd made it to space.
Gwen Cooper: [sarcastically] Mmm! Yeah, great!

Gwen Cooper: What will you do while I'm gone?
Captain Jack Harkness: Oh, the usual. Pizza, Ianto, save the world a couple of times.

Captain Jack Harkness: [flipping through wedding dress catalogue] No, I like that one. Good choice.
Ianto Jones: I estimated Gwen's size from the Hub's security laser scans. As you know, my dad was a master tailor. He could size a man's inside leg measurement by his stride across the shop's threshold.
Captain Jack Harkness: Ah, the family eye. Remind me to test it sometime.
Ianto Jones: Well, if, uh, later on...
Owen Harper: Jack!
Ianto Jones: Yeah, brilliant. Like that one.
Owen Harper: We've got a problem.

"Torchwood: Adam (#2.5)" (2008)
Captain Jack Harkness: Found your diary.
Ianto Jones: Oh, yeah, I've been looking for that...
[starts to walk away]
Captain Jack Harkness: And for the record: measuring tapes never lie.
Ianto Jones: [silently] Fuck.

Captain Jack Harkness: [to the team] Our memories define us. Adam changed those memories, he changed who we are. Now I have to help you all go back. Find a memory that defines you, rediscover who you are. If I'm wrong, he'll still be here when we've done this.
[turns screen off]
Captain Jack Harkness: Let me take you back to before we all met.
[dims lights]
Captain Jack Harkness: Feel around for anything that makes you what you are. The hidden and the forgotten. Tell me where you are.

[Jack has put his team into a trance-like state and asked them to try and rediscover their real selves]
Gwen Cooper: [about Rhys] I love him. But not in the way I love you.
Captain Jack Harkness: [gives Gwen a RetCon pill] Take this.
Toshiko Sato: Knowing there has to be more to life than this. Knowing I'm special. Waiting for someone to see it.
Captain Jack Harkness: I saw it.
Owen Harper: You save one life, a hundred lives, but it's never enough. Who'll save me?
Captain Jack Harkness: I will.
Ianto Jones: Coming here, it gave me meaning again. You.
[Jack kisses Ianto]

Adam: [about Gray disappearing] It's not your fault.
Captain Jack Harkness: I let go of his hand. It was the worst day of my life. That's the last thing I'd want to remember.

Captain Jack Harkness: Oh, Ianto. Tape measures are never wrong.

"Torchwood: Dead Man Walking (#2.7)" (2008)
Martha Jones: The time is 21:30. This is Dr. Martha Jones. Autopsy on Owen Harper, Caucasian, Age 27. Torchwood Officer 565. Time of death witnessed at approximately 20:30. Autopsy begins.
[Martha picks up a surgical saw as Gwen, Ianto and Toshiko look on from the morgue gallery]
Captain Jack Harkness: [bursting in the gallery] Stop! Nobody touches him until I get back! Is that clear?
[Jack runs back out of the gallery]

Young Girl: [regarding the glove] If I told you not to use it, would you listen?
Captain Jack Harkness: Shouldn't you know the answer to that?
Young Girl: I do. That's the problem.

Owen Harper: But eventually that will stop too. I'll fart my last fart. God, I'm going to really miss farting. And sex.
Captain Jack Harkness: Sex more than farting, I hope.

[Owen projectile vomits]
Captain Jack Harkness: Ah, that is the single most disgusting thing I have ever seen! And I know disgusting.

Owen Harper: You take these things for granted. It's only when they're slipping away you realise how amazing they are. This could be the last time I see these flecks, or, you know, feel these bricks underneath my hands.
Captain Jack Harkness: "Only in suffering do we recognise beauty".
Owen Harper: Yeah, yeah! Who said that?
Captain Jack Harkness: Proust.
Owen Harper: You've read Proust?
Captain Jack Harkness: Yeah. Well, no. We dated for a while, he was really immature.
Owen Harper: You know, none of us know whether to take you seriously when you say those things.
Captain Jack Harkness: When you've lived as long as I have, you don't make any more up.

"Torchwood: Meat (#2.4)" (2008)
Gwen Cooper: Have you ever eaten alien meat?
Captain Jack Harkness: Yeah.
Gwen Cooper: What was it like?
Captain Jack Harkness: Well, *he* seemed to enjoy it...

Captain Jack Harkness: Before we get ahead of ourselves, we're talking about dodgy pies in Merthyr, okay? And the fact that they're cutting it up alive - which we could've put a stop to already if it wasn't for you.
Rhys Williams: I thought that my fiancée was in danger!
Captain Jack Harkness: Well, Mr. Caveman, she wasn't. She can handle herself.
Gwen Cooper: [warningly] Jack.
Captain Jack Harkness: All you did tonight was mess things up. Now we have to think of a way to get back in, and thanks to you, they'll have tightened security!
Rhys Williams: Well, if you stopped, and asked me exactly what I saw in there instead of showin' off 'round the place...
Captain Jack Harkness: [to Ianto] Do I show off?
Ianto Jones: [nods] Just a bit.
Rhys Williams:'d know that I got out by tellin' them I wanted a job - as a delivery boy. So rather than 'cock things up', I found you a way to get in, but if you can't handle that, big boy, then you can stuff it!
Captain Jack Harkness: [pause, looks at Gwen] This is quite homoerotic.

Captain Jack Harkness: [talking about the alien] We're going to save it. Stabilize it, wait for the rift to open, and, fwooh, send it back.
Ianto Jones: ...And guess who'll have to look after it in the meantime?
[later, at the end of the meeting]
Captain Jack Harkness: We are doing this. That's an order.
Owen Harper: Fine.
Ianto Jones: I'll stock up on plankton.

Captain Jack Harkness: Imprisoned, chained, and drugged. Welcome to Planet Earth.

Captain Jack Harkness: Stun guns only.
Owen Harper: We've handled bigger than this. Why don't we just storm in, guns in the air, and arrest them?
Captain Jack Harkness: Those men aren't organized criminals. If we go in, guns blazing, they'll kill the evidence and run.
Owen Harper: Well, I wasn't suggesting blazing, just waving.

"Torchwood: Exit Wounds (#2.13)" (2008)
Captain Jack Harkness: You've destroyed the city!
Captain John Hart: Jack, hold me.
[hugs Jack]

[final lines]
Captain Jack Harkness: Now we carry on.
Gwen Cooper: I don't think I can. Not after this.
Captain Jack Harkness: You can. We all can. The end is where we start from.

[John has tied Jack up]
Captain Jack Harkness: This is a little extreme, don't you think?
Captain John Hart: Well, what? Suddenly you're anti-bondage?

Captain Jack Harkness: I was the only one who could ever control him. That's why the Time Agency partnered us.
Rhys Williams: Did you just say Time Agency? Don't tell me that is based in Cardiff, too!

Captain Jack Harkness: What do you want?
Captain John Hart: I want you to know that I love you.
Captain Jack Harkness: Funny way of showing it.
Captain John Hart: No, seriously. You have to understand.
[turns around]
Captain John Hart: I really do love you.
[John pulls out two guns and shoots Jack repeatedly]
Captain John Hart: 'Cause this is gonna get nasty.

"Torchwood: Miracle Day: The Blood Line (#4.10)" (2011)
Captain Jack Harkness: I'm from the future.
Oswald Danes: Well now.
Captain Jack Harkness: I come from the future.
Oswald Danes: Then you must know. Do we make it through this day?
Captain Jack Harkness: The future can change. It's being written right now. But one thing I do know, I've seen the stars. I have seen the universe. I have seen the human race become vast, magnificent and endless. And I wish you could see it, Oswald. I wish you could see that too. 'Cause then you'd know how small you've made your life.

The Mother: It is said that it reflects your own self back at you. What can you see?
Gwen Cooper: Enough guilt to last me a lifetime. But that's okay. I'm a working mother. I don't need The Blessing to tell me that.
The Mother: And you, Jack?
Captain Jack Harkness: I've lived so many lives. And now I can see them all. Hey. Not so bad.

Gwen Cooper: You're the expert. What is it?
Captain Jack Harkness: The world's been turning for over four billion years. There's so much buried under its skin. The Doctor used to say there's a Silurian mythology, Huon particles, Racnoss energy, an expansion of their hibernation matrix, maybe.
Gwen Cooper: You don't bloody know, do you?
Captain Jack Harkness: No.

Gwen Cooper: It's been here since the Earth began?
Captain Jack Harkness: Could be.
Gwen Cooper: Yeah. Oh, it has. I can feel it. We're so used to these things being extraterrestrial, but those must be the most terrestrial thing of them all. Wow.

Captain Jack Harkness: [watches Rex's gunshot wound and his other injury heal] What? That's impossible.
Rex Matheson: You, World War II, what the hell did you do to me?

"Torchwood: Small Worlds (#1.5)" (2006)
Gwen Cooper: Where did you and Estelle meet?
Captain Jack Harkness: In London. At the Estoria ballroom. A few weeks before Christmas. She was seventeen years old and she was beautiful. I loved her at first sight. But nothing lasted back then. Promises were always being broken. Estelle... to have to die like that...

Toshiko Sato: [showing photos of "fairies"] This is the youngest girl, and the girl's cousin.
Ianto Jones: I blame it on magic mushrooms.
Captain Jack Harkness: What you do in your own time is none of our business.

Gwen Cooper: [a man has been choked to death in a locked cell with flowers in his mouth] Never seen anything like that before!
Captain Jack Harkness: I have.

Captain Jack Harkness: We know the dead man was a convicted pedophile. Used to hang around schools.
Gwen Cooper: But why the petals in his mouth?
Captain Jack Harkness: Just a bit of fun on their part.
Gwen Cooper: [referring to the victim thrashing on the CCTV footage] You call that fun?
Captain Jack Harkness: That's the way these creatures like to do things: they play games, they torment, and then kill.
Gwen Cooper: Why?
Captain Jack Harkness: As a punishment, or a warning to others. They protect their own, the chosen ones. Somehow, children and the spirit world, they go together.
Toshiko Sato: So how do we stop them?
Captain Jack Harkness: First, we have to find out who they want. And we can't trap them. They have control of the elements: fire, water, the air that we breathe. They can drag that air right out of our bodies. Sometimes I think they're part Mara.
Toshiko Sato: Mara?
Captain Jack Harkness: Kind of malignant wraiths. It's where the word "nightmare" came from. They suffocate people in their sleep.
[telephone rings, snapping Gwen's attention away]

"Doctor Who: Boom Town (#1.11)" (2005)
Captain Jack Harkness: Who the hell are you?
Mickey Smith: What do you mean who the hell am I? Who the hell are you?

Captain Jack Harkness: Aww, sweet, look at these two. How come I never get any of that?
The Doctor: Buy me a drink first.
Captain Jack Harkness: You're such hard work.
The Doctor: But worth it.
[He grins in an extremely self-satisfied way]

Mickey Smith: [after hearing Margaret's plan to destroy the planet with her Nuclear power plant] But why would she do that? A great big explosion, she'd only end up killing herself.
Margaret Blaine: She's got a name, you know.
Mickey Smith: She's not even a she, she's a thing.
The Doctor: Oh, but she's clever.
[pulls a board off the model plant; flips it over to reveal a network of complex circuitry; studying it]
The Doctor: Fantastic!
Captain Jack Harkness: [looks at the board; impressed] Is that a tribophysical waveform macro-kinetic extrapolator?
The Doctor: Couldn't have put it better myself.

Mickey Smith: So, what are you doing in Cardiff? And who's Jumpin' Jack Flash? I mean, I don't mind you hanging out with Big Ears up here...
The Doctor: Oy!
Mickey Smith: Look in the mirror. But this guy, I don't know, he's kinda...
Captain Jack Harkness: Handsome?
Mickey Smith: More like cheesy.
Captain Jack Harkness: Early 21st Century slang, is cheesy good or bad?
Mickey Smith: It's bad.
Captain Jack Harkness: But bad means good, isn't that right?
The Doctor: Are you saying I'm not handsome?

"Torchwood: To the Last Man (#2.3)" (2008)
Captain Jack Harkness: This time tomorrow he'll be back in 1918.
Ianto Jones: In his own time. Would you go back to yours if you could?
Captain Jack Harkness: Why? Would you miss me?
Ianto Jones: Yep.
Captain Jack Harkness: I left home a long time ago. Don't really know where I really belong. Maybe that doesn't matter anymore.
Ianto Jones: I... know you get lonely.
Captain Jack Harkness: Going home wouldn't fix that. Being here, I've seen things I never dreamt I'd see. Loved people I never would have known if I'd just stayed where I was. And I wouldn't change that for the world.
[they kiss]

Gwen Cooper: [regarding Tosh liking Tommy] He's a frozen soldier from 1918.
Captain Jack Harkness: Nobody's perfect.

Gwen Cooper: Who is he?
Captain Jack Harkness: Thomas Reginald Brockless.
Ianto Jones: Tommy.
Captain Jack Harkness: Twenty-four years old.
Ianto Jones: Sort of.
Gwen Cooper: Well, he's either twenty-four or he's not.
Ianto Jones: Depends how you work it out.
Gwen Cooper: Alright, when was he born?
Captain Jack Harkness: 1894.

Gwen Cooper: Jack, have we got any other pretty boys in the freezer?
Captain Jack Harkness: Hands off, Missy. Toshiko got there first.

"Torchwood: Cyberwoman (#1.4)" (2006)
Captain Jack Harkness: Ianto... come on, Ianto. If I don't hear those beautiful Welsh vowels, I'm coming to look for you.

Captain Jack Harkness: Are you hiding anything else in the basement?
Ianto Jones: Like you'd care. I clean up your shit, and that's the way you like it: no questions asked. When's the last time you asked me about my life?

Gwen Cooper: When she had hold of you, I thought, just for a moment, I thought that maybe you could die after all.
Captain Jack Harkness: Wanna know a secret? So did I. And just for a second, I felt so alive.

Captain Jack Harkness: Execute her, or I'll execute you both!
Ianto Jones: You think you're some kind of hero, but you're the biggest monster of them all!

"Doctor Who: Journey's End (#4.13)" (2008)
Captain Jack Harkness: [crawling out of a shaft in the wall] Just my luck! I crawl through two miles of ventilation shafts, following life signs on this thing...
[pointing to the device on his wrist]
Captain Jack Harkness: ...and who do I find? Mickey Mouse.
Mickey Smith: You can talk, Captain Cheesecake!
Captain Jack Harkness, Mickey Smith: Ha ha!
[they hug]
Captain Jack Harkness: And that's Beefcake!
Mickey Smith: And that's enough hugging!

Captain Jack Harkness: [lifting his gun] As I said before, feel this!

Captain Jack Harkness: [on realizing that there are technically three versions of the Doctor - the original, the clone and the Doctor/Donna combination] I can't tell you what I'm thinking right now!

Davros: Step away from the controls!
Donna Noble: [she flips a switch] And... spin.
Dalek: Help me! Help me!
Captain Jack Harkness: Ha ha ha!
Donna Noble: [she flips another switch] And... the other way.
Dalek: Ah!
Cloned Doctor: What did you do?
Donna Noble: A flipstick circuit breaker in the psychonetic threshold manipulator.
Cloned Doctor: But that's brilliant!
The Doctor: Why did we never think of that?
Donna Noble: Because you two were just Time Lords, you dumbos!

"Doctor Who: The Parting of the Ways (#1.13)" (2005)
Dalek: Identify yourself!
The Anne Droid: You are the weakest link,
[disintegrates three Daleks]
The Anne Droid: Goodbye.
Captain Jack: Yes!
The Anne Droid: You are the weakest link...
[Dalek shoots Anne Droid]
The Anne Droid: [muffled] Goodbye.

Captain Jack: Rose, you are worth fighting for.
[Jack kisses Rose passionately]
Captain Jack: Wish I'd never met you, Doctor, I was much better off as a coward.
[Jack kisses the Doctor the same way]

Daleks: [the Doctor steps out of the TARDIS and bumps into a few Daleks] Exterminate! Exterminate!
The Doctor: [the Daleks fire wildly at The Doctor but nothing happens] Is that it? Useless.
The Doctor: [with French pronunciation] Nul points.
The Doctor: [beckons to Jack and Rose] It's all right. Come on out. That force field can hold back anything.
Captain Jack Harkness: Almost anything.
The Doctor: Yes, but I wasn't gonna tell them that, thanks.
Captain Jack Harkness: Sorry.

Captain Jack Harkness: Doctor, you've got 20 seconds maximum!
[shoots Daleks with machine gun, but they just keep coming. Machine gun runs out. Gets out his smaller gun, starts shooting, that runs out too. Drops his weapons and steps up to the Daleks as they halt]
Dalek: Exterminate!
Captain Jack Harkness: I kinda figured that.
[they shoot him with their laser; he dies and falls to the floor]

"Torchwood: Countrycide (#1.6)" (2006)
Captain Jack Harkness: [about the last person they kissed] Are we including non-human life-forms?
Owen Harper: You're a sick man, Harkness. That is disgusting!

Captain Jack Harkness: No other race in the universe goes camping. Celebrate your own uniqueness.

Captain Jack Harkness: Seventeen disappearances within the last five months. The police are clueless.
Owen Harper: Now, there's a surprise.
[to Gwen]
Owen Harper: No offence, P.C. Cooper.

"Doctor Who: Last of the Time Lords (#3.13)" (2007)
Captain Jack Harkness: But I keep wondering, what about aging? Cause I can't die but I keep getting older, the odd little, gray hair, you know? What happens if I live for a million years?
The Doctor: I really don't know.
Captain Jack Harkness: Ok, vanity, sorry. Yeah... can't help it. Used to be a poster boy when I was a kid, living in the Bo-shang peninsula... tiny little place. I was the first one ever to be signed up for the Time Agency, they were so proud of me. The Face of Bo they called me... hummm! I'll see you!
[Jack turns and leaves]
Martha Jones: [Martha gets an stunned look on her face and taps the doctor on the arm to get his attention]
The Doctor: [in disbelief] No.
Martha Jones: [incredulously] It can't be!
The Doctor: [still in disbelief] No. Definitely not, no.
Martha Jones: [Martha begins to laugh]
The Doctor: No!
[the Doctor begins to laugh as he realizes Jack may very well be his old friend the mysterious Face of Bo]

The Master: You still haven't answered the question. What happens to me?
The Doctor: You're my responsibility from now on. The only Time Lord left in existence.
Captain Jack Harkness: Yeah, but you can't trust him.
The Doctor: No. The only safe place for him is the TARDIS.
The Master: You mean, you're just gonna... keep me?
The Doctor: If that's what I have to do. It's time to change. Maybe I've been wandering for too long. Now I've got someone to care for.

Captain Jack Harkness: Morning Tish! Ahh, smell that sea air! Makes me long for good-old British Fish and Chips, ha! And what do I get? Cold mashed swede. Some hotel; last time I book over the internet.

"Torchwood: Miracle Day: Dead of Night (#4.3)" (2011)
Captain Jack Harkness: Thought we broke up.
Rex Matheson: Yeah well, there's work to be done.

Oswald Danes: [Jack breaks in, Danes enters the room without realizing Jack doesn't belong there] Okay you ready for me?
Captain Jack Harkness: Yeah sure.
Oswald Danes: I apologize for being late, I was needed across town. Still, made it, and this will be going out live, yes? Can you tell me who's going to be interviewing me?
Captain Jack Harkness: Yeah, it's uh...
[Jack draws his sidearm and points it Danes]
Captain Jack Harkness: Sod it!
Oswald Danes: [pause] I suppose a man like you was always on his way.

Captain Jack Harkness: Do you have protection?
Brad: What for? Can't die now. Don't need nothing in between.
Captain Jack Harkness: Uh-uh. That's not how it works anymore. A lifetime of regret just got even longer, that's all.
Brad: Fine. You're calling the shots.
Captain Jack Harkness: Yes... Yes, I am.

"Torchwood: Reset (#2.6)" (2008)
Captain Jack Harkness: Oh, come on, Martha. Be honest. You just came all this way to see me.
Martha Jones: Still struggling to conquer your shyness, Jack?

Martha Jones: God, I am so glad to see you, Jack.
Captain Jack Harkness: See, you did come all this way to see me. It's the jaw line: once seen, always yearned for.

Captain Jack Harkness: I'd rely on Martha if the world was ending. In fact, I did.

"Torchwood: Children of Earth: Day One (#3.1)" (2009)
Rupesh Patanjali: [running after Jack and Ianto] I should report you!
Captain Jack: Then why don't you?
Rupesh Patanjali: You're Torchwood?
Captain Jack: Never heard of us.

Gwen Cooper: Who's back?
Captain Jack: What's he doing?
Ianto Jones: Waiting, just like you said. He's been there 20 minutes.
Captain Jack: Persistent.
Ianto Jones: Good sign.
Captain Jack: Dogmatic.
Ianto Jones: Always a plus.
Gwen Cooper: Oh, Christ, never work with a couple, you two talk like twins!

[Gwen has found out she is pregnant]
Captain Jack: Ianto! We're having a baby.
Ianto Jones: Congratulations. Is now a good time to tell you I lost the car?
Captain Jack: You did what?

"Torchwood: Out of Time (#1.10)" (2006)
John Ellis: That's an American accent, isn't it?
Captain Jack Harkness: That's right.
John Ellis: So how did you end up here, doing whatever it is that you do?
Captain Jack Harkness: It's a long story.
John Ellis: I'm a slow drinker. You know everything about me. What's the problem?
Captain Jack Harkness: It gets kinda complicated.
John Ellis: What, did you fall through time, too?
[a long pause]
Captain Jack Harkness: Yeah, you could say that.

Captain Jack Harkness: [having saved John from committing suicide] You can't just throw it away, not without trying!
John Ellis: I'm not as strong as you! You don't understand.
Captain Jack Harkness: I do. I was born in the future. Lived in your past. My time has gone, too.
John Ellis: Why are you doing this? Speaking to me in bloody riddles, keeping me here when my wife is dead, my son is a shell...
Captain Jack Harkness: John, you're still young. You can get work, make friends, start a family.
John Ellis: I did all that, Jack. Years ago. When I was meant to.

Captain Jack Harkness: I can't leave you here.
John Ellis: Then we'll wait. The sun will rise, we'll have some breakfast, take a walk...
Captain Jack Harkness: Yes. A new day.
John Ellis: And I'll suffer it all and smile and wag my tail and then, as soon as your back is turned, I'll make sure I do it properly. Because I want to die.
Captain Jack Harkness: You don't get reunited, John. It just goes black.
John Ellis: How do you know?
Captain Jack Harkness: I died once.
John Ellis: Who are you?
Captain Jack Harkness: A man, like you, out of his time, alone and scared.
John Ellis: How do you cope?
Captain Jack Harkness: It's just bearable. It has to be. I don't have a choice.
John Ellis: But I do. If you want to help me, then let me go with some dignity. Don't condemn me to live.

"Torchwood: From Out of the Rain (#2.10)" (2008)
Gwen Cooper: You did stand-up.
Captain Jack Harkness: I never did stand-up.
Gwen Cooper: Okay, then. A song and dance.
Captain Jack Harkness: I was sensational!
Toshiko Sato: I don't believe this, Jack. What were you doing there?
Owen Harper: He was part of this freak show.
Captain Jack Harkness: Yeah, some things never change.
Owen Harper: Are you being rude about me?

Captain Jack Harkness: Ianto, you're with me. I need your local knowledge.
Gwen Cooper: Oh, is that what you're calling it these days?

Christina: Your eyes are older than your face.
Captain Jack Harkness: Is that a bad thing?
Christina: Yes. It means you don't belong. It means you're from nowhere.

"Torchwood: Miracle Day: Rendition (#4.2)" (2011)
Captain Jack Harkness: [to Danny the Flight Attendant after being forced on to a plane bound for the U.S. by the CIA] Hey can we have something to drink?
Danny: [Upset] I am not allowed to talk to you!
Captain Jack Harkness: [Annoyed] Give it to us *silently*.
Danny: [Strident] I am NOT allowed to talk to you!
CIA Agent: They can have water I'll supervise it.
Captain Jack Harkness: [Outraged] WATER? I'm American too! Can't I contribute to our global cultural hegemony with a nice frosty cola?

Gwen Cooper: [Gwen to Jack as they're fleeing CIA agents after landing Dulles Airport] Even if we can get past how do we get out? Y'know what U.S. immigration is like at the best of times.
Rex Matheson: [Re-joining Jack and Gwen after a fistfight with other agents during which Jack and Gwen ditched him] Hey what the hell are you waitin' around here for?
Gwen Cooper: We're stuck! Thanks to you!
Rex Matheson: [Aghast] Oh my god you two are idiots, you're already landside! Take a look around you're at the baggage claim for *domestic* flights! We can just walk out of here! Now come on and follow me.
Gwen Cooper: Hey! You get us arrested, okay, you break up my family, you nearly get Jack killed, why should we go anywhere with you?
Rex Matheson: Because I have a *car*,
[to Jack]
Rex Matheson: Here, take y'thing
[Tosses Jack his Vortex Manipulator]
Captain Jack Harkness: [to uniformed security officer] Excuse me sir, those two men over there in the black suits?
[Points at pursuing agents]
Captain Jack Harkness: I think I overheard them talking about a bomb.

Captain Jack Harkness: [Danny hands Jack and Gwen beverages] Thanks.
Gwen Cooper: When do we land?
Danny: [Dismissive] I'm still not allowed to talk!

"Torchwood: A Day in the Death (#2.8)" (2008)
Captain Jack Harkness: [Owen has just resurfaced after an attempt to kill himself by drowning] Thirty-six minutes. Not bad.
Owen Harper: You were watching?
Captain Jack Harkness: Skinny guy in tight jeans runs into water, I was taking pictures.

Owen Harper: [on being told to go home] What exactly do I do when I get home?
Captain Jack Harkness: Watch TV, chill.
Owen Harper: Jack, I'm dead. I'm permanently chilled. You know you get to live forever. I get to die forever. It's funny, that.

Owen Harper: And what the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime?
Captain Jack Harkness: We always need someone to make coffee.
Ianto Jones: [silently] Oh, no.
Owen Harper: Oh, no.

"Torchwood: Greeks Bearing Gifts (#1.7)" (2006)
[after walking into a body tent]
Captain Jack Harkness: You know, sometimes I wish I could walk into one of these tents and find there's a party inside. With food, music, dancing, girl crying in the corner...

[the Torchwood team is investigating a 100+ year old murder victim]
Captain Jack Harkness: How's our friend there?
Owen Harper: She's dead.
Captain Jack Harkness: Yeah, thanks, Quincy.

"Torchwood: Children of Earth: Day Three (#3.3)" (2009)
Captain Jack Harkness: In 1965, I gave them twelve children.
Gwen Cooper: What for?
Captain Jack Harkness: As a gift.

Captain Jack Harkness: Ianto, the world could be ending.
Ianto Jones: The world's always ending. And I have missed that coat.

"Torchwood: Random Shoes (#1.9)" (2006)
Gwen Cooper: What exactly is a Sixth Eye, I mean, exactly?
Captain Jack Harkness: It's one in the back. Lets you see behind you, where you've been. Kind of puts things in perspective. It's useful, fun, slightly terrifying. That's why they were in demand.

"Torchwood: Adrift (#2.11)" (2008)
Captain Jack Harkness: Too bad you weren't here a hour ago; we could have used you for naked hide and seek.
Ianto Jones: [smirks] He cheats, he always cheats.

"Torchwood: Children of Earth: Day Five (#3.5)" (2009)
Captain Jack Harkness: You said it yourself: the world is going to hell any second. Before it does, give us a moment of grace.

"Torchwood: Miracle Day: Escape to LA (#4.4)" (2011)
Captain Jack Harkness: We are travelling circus folk.
Rex Matheson: Yeah, and he's the clown.
Gwen Cooper: I'm the bearded woman, but I've shaved.
Captain Jack Harkness: Yeah, you missed a bit.