Paul Crewe
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Quotes for
Paul Crewe (Character)
from The Longest Yard (1974)

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The Longest Yard (2005)
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I *did* throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw *this* game. So it looks like I'm going to get to know you guys a lot better because I aint doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. Ok, thank you. Who are we?
[Team shouts, "Mean Machine!", and takes the field]
Turley: I'm glad you're back. Now I don't have to stab you.

Caretaker: Look in your toilet, I left you a surprise.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You took a shit in my toilet?
Caretaker: No, that's what I left in Brucey's toilet.

[after inmates score touchdown on trick play]
Guard Lambert: Is that legal?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yes, it is.
Guard Lambert: Is that a touchdown?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yes, it is.
Guard Lambert: Oh, goddamn it!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [after being pulled over by cops] Hey, you can finish that one... I've got five more. Take care guys.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to the short cop] Now, listen here, Mr. Frodo, don't get short with me.

Big Ears Cop: ...shit happens.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Shit does happen. I mean, look what happened to your ears.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [on TV after he crashes his girlfriend's car] Hey, Lena, I think we should start seeing other people!
Walt: [watching on TV with Lena] I think I'm in love.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You play football?
Caretaker: Me? No, I sucked so bad they used to pick after the white kids. Used to be mad to be like, "Man I can't beleive i picked a nigga that cant play"

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I will be your coach, your captain, your quarterback...
Brucie: You haven't played in years! Why can't I be quarterback?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You're right; let's see what you got.
[throws ball to Brucie]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Hit me; I'm open!
Brucie: [throws wild pass]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: That's why, now sit down and shut up.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [drinking a toast with Caretaker] Here's to the first friend I've had in I-don't-know-how-long
Switowski: I thought I was your friend, Paul.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You are my friend, Switowski. Just finish your coloring book and go to sleep.
Switowski: OK.

Switowski: I thought I was your friend, Paul.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You are my friend, Switowski, just, finish your coloring book and go to sleep.
Switowski: OK.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I think Papajohn's their safety.
Turley: [smiles, nods] I'll play!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to Caretaker] Hey, let's have a maniacal pillow fight tonight! That should boost your rating!
Skitchy Rivers: Yeah, and we can sell it to Pay-Per-View - Superstar vs. Half-a-Star.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to Turley] People have said that we look alike, so I just wanted to see for myself.
[Turley roars very loudly]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I'm gonna go take a piss.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to Caretaker after seeing his half-star violence rating] You're as maniacal as a box of kittens.

Captain Knauer: [after Crewe starts fight in lunch room] Stand up Crewe! You think you can do anything don't you... well you're no different than any other piece of shit that calls this place home...
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Really they all think you're a dumb redneck too?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [Knauer takes a swing at Crewe with his night-stick amd Crewe catches it] You should really start cutting that shit out it's gettin old...
Captain Knauer: That's gonna cost ya...
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Looking forward to it...

Switowski: He broke-ded my nose
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Let me try to fix that.
[Crewe fixes his nose]
Switowski: How do I look?
Caretaker: Much better, like a young Michael Jackson.
Switowski: I love little Michael.

Switowski: Will you teach me to football?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Sure, I'll teach you to football.
Caretaker: I'll teach you anything. Just don't eat me.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [as he's calling a play] Battle, you're a psycho! Tony, you're a fat shit! Hut!

Earl Megget: Y'all got a running back?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Not any good ones.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [Crewe is being pulled over by the cops] Oh, man, here come the party poopers...

Joey Battle: Wow, no bullshit! Football, against the guards?
Coach Nate Scarborough: Yep, full contact.
Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
Caretaker: Yep.
Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, either that you can hit him over the head with that hammer.
Joey Battle: I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!

Unger: The blood of the guards is gonna flow like the rivers of ancient Babylon!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: That's good news.

Brucie: How come I cant be kicker? I was all state!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: All right let's see what you got.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [kicks ball along the ground] ... that's why you dumbass.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I'll tell you what bothers me the most warden. That you're not coming to be out there on that field with us, gettin' what you got coming to you.
Warden Hazen: Only thing coming to me is victory.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [On the last play of the first half] Do you assholes remember that play we practiced in the mud?
Deacon Moss: What are you talking about? That was some schoolyard bullshit!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, let's try some schoolyard bullshit!

Switowski: [after Turley breaks his nose] I think he did it on purpose!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: No, he didn't do it on puropse...
[glances over at Turley]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Okay maybe he did.

Ms. Tucker: Paul... Paul I wanted to let you know that I am your biggest fan and that I'll will be cheering my jailhouse boobies off for you on gameday!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Ok I appreciate that.
Ms. Tucker: Paul I appreciate you.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Ok.
Brucie: All right are you done now?
Ms. Tucker: What are you just jealous because I don't cheer for you anymore?
Brucie: Yea I don't know what you're talking about.
Ms. Tucker: Whatever back freckle!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Why are there 2 glasses?
Caretaker: Shut up and pour me a drink, bitch!

Joey Battle: Wow no bullshit! Real football, against the guards?
Coach Nate Scarborough: Full contact.
Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
Caretaker: Yep.
Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, you can either tackle him or you can hit him over the head with that *hammer*.
Joey Battle: [looks down at his crotch] I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Alright we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.

Switowski: I'm sorry... I brokeded your toy.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Oh, no, it's a good thing! you should share a victory hug with Caretaker.
Caretaker: What?
[Switowski lifts Caretaker in bear-hug and spins around laughing]
Caretaker: [to Paul] Asshole!


The Longest Yard (1974)
Caretaker: Most of these old boys don't have nothing. Never had nothing to start with. But you, You had it all. Then you let your teammates down, got yourself caught with your hand in the cookie jar.
Paul Crewe: Oh I did, did I?
Caretaker: Oh I ain't saying you did or you didn't. All I'm saying is that you could have robbed banks, sold dope or stole your grandmother's pension checks and none of us would have minded. But shaving points off of a football game, man that's un-American.

Paul Crewe: You take your football down here real serious, don't you?
Caretaker: You mind if I ask you one question?
Paul Crewe: Yes, I do mind!
Caretaker: Why did you do it?
Paul Crewe: It's a long story.
Caretaker: Well, I got eight years.

Paul Crewe: Hey Pop, the time you hit Hazen in the mouth, was it worth 30 years?
Pop: For me it was.
Paul Crewe: Then give me my damn shoe!

Paul Crewe: My, you have lovely hair. You ever find any spiders in it?

Paul Crewe: What's his name?
Caretaker: Indian.
Paul Crewe: That makes sense.
Caretaker: Now don't go making any ethnic jokes.
[They meet the Indian]
Paul Crewe: Paul Crewe. Heard you played some football.
The Indian: Yeah.
Paul Crewe: Where?
The Indian: Oklahoma State.
Paul Crewe: Oklahoma State U?
The Indian: Prison.
Paul Crewe: Well, first thing we have to do is get you out of here.
The Indian: How?
[Paul looks back at Caretaker]
Paul Crewe: Well, we'll work on it.

Paul Crewe: The most important thing to remember is: to protect your quarterback - ME!

Police Officer: Why'd you drive her car into the bay?
Paul Crewe: Couldn't find a car wash.

[last lines]
Paul Crewe: [to the warden] Stick this in your trophy case.
[he walks into the stadium tunnel]
Trainer: I knew you could do it!

Crewe: [looking at a shirtless Shokner doing some unusual physical moves] What's he doin' now?
Caretaker: Nobody's ever had the guts to ask him.

Paul Crewe: You know, there's only one thing I'm sorry about.
Warden Hazen: What's that, Mr. Crewe?
Paul Crewe: That you're not out here with us knockin' heads.
Warden Hazen: I'm afraid I'm a little old for that.
Paul Crewe: No, you never had the guts to begin with!

Walking Boss: [after the game] Fuck you, boy!
Crewe: Not today, boss!

Paul Crewe: [Drunkenly as a short policeman comes to arrest him] Look what we have here - a miniature cop!

[Caretaker and Crewe are watching a prisoner go through his workout]
Caretaker: Well, there he is. Connie Shokner, baddest cat in the joint. Even the guards are scared of him. He killed three people on the outside and two since he's been in here.
Crewe: Yeah, that karate's some bad stuff.
Caretaker: Oh, that was before he learned karate.
Crewe: Say, what's he doing now?
Caretaker: Nobody's ever had the guts to ask him.

Warden Hazen: How do you think we'd do against the pros?
Paul Crewe: That team against the pros?
Warden Hazen: Yeah.
Paul Crewe: Well, you'd have a real problem.
Warden Hazen: Well, how do you think we'd do against the cons?

Paul Crewe: Whattya got for me, Sunshine?
Caretaker: I can get you steroids, vitamins, greenies, anything you want. You name it. I'm the best hustler in the joint.
Paul Crewe: How much of what this guy says he can do, can he do?
Nate Scarboro: He can get you laid in here... with a woman.

Paul Crewe: We're gettin' up a football game against the guards. Wondered if maybe you and some of your buddies here would like to join in on the fun.
Samson: With the guards?
Paul Crewe: Uh huh.
Samson: Sure, I'd like that.

Paul Crewe: Nate, if you're thinking about winning this game, then you're as crazy as he is.
Nate Scarboro: Well, maybe so. But you spend fourteen years in this tank, you begin to understand that you've only got two thing left they can't sweat out of you or beat out of you. Your balls. And you better hang onto them, because they're about the only thing you're gonna have when you get out of here.

Bogdanski: What the hell was that?
Paul Crewe: That was a dropkick.
Bogdanski: Dropkick?
Paul Crewe: Dropkick.
Bogdanski: How much is that worth?
Paul Crewe: Three points.
Bogdanski: Three points?
Paul Crewe: Three points.
Bogdanski: For that? Bullshit!

Paul Crewe: You know what my problem has been all my life? I've always had my shit together. Always. My problem's been I couldn't lift it.

Paul Crewe: For Nate, for Granny... for Caretaker.

Captain Knauer: You know something, Crewe? I don't like you. You understand that?
Paul Crewe: Oh yeah.