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Keith
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Quotes for
Keith (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)

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"Scrubs: My Big Bird (#5.8)" (2006)
Keith: What are you doing?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Don't look at me! Keith, you see the woman standing outside?
[Keith mistakes a fat old woman for the "woman" Elliot meant]
Keith: Yeah, i see her.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I made out with her husband this morning
Keith: That's disgusting

Keith: Nurse Espinosa, Mr Foster's cough is getting worse and Dr Dorian's gone. Dr Reid's covering, but she's sort of indisposed.
Carla: Kid, I'm about to become a millionaire. Call Dr. Turk, he's the surgeon on call.


"Scrubs: His Story IV (#6.7)" (2007)
Keith: President Reagan should be on the one dollar bill!
Elliot: Oh God, that's hot!
[they start making out]
Elliot: What do you think about Hillary?
Keith: I hate that bitch.
Elliot: Oh!
[they continue making out]

Elliot: Oh, you liberals are right, and every American agrees with you, that's why John Kerry and Al Gore both won in landslides!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh, my God!... Elliot, you're one of them, aren't you?
[everyone in the cafeteria stands still, looking at Elliot]
Elliot: You know what? I don't need to be ashamed of this any more...
[stands up]
Elliot: Yes, I'm a Republican!
Nurse: Me too!
Dr. Mickhead: Me too!
Keith: Elliot! Me too!


"Scrubs: My Jiggly Ball (#5.4)" (2006)
Keith: Nailed it!
J.D.: Good job man! What did you say?
Keith: Well, I just told him there's nothing more we can do right now.
Turk and J.D.: Ohhhhh!
Keith: What?
J.D.: "Nothing more we can do right now" implies there may be something we can do tomorrow.
Keith: Well, I also said we'd make him as comfortable as possible.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Sounds like someone's getting new pillows and a comforter.
Keith: That man knows he's doomed!
[the patient happily waves at them]
J.D.: Yeeeah, I'm gonna need you to go back in there and use some form of the words die, dead, dying, deadsies, deadwood. Your choice.
Keith: What was the middle one?
J.D.: Deadsies.

Dr. Perry Cox: Mr. Morrison, I understand that one of our interns spent an hour in here telling you over and over that you are going to die. I would make him apologize personally, but I'm having him spend the rest of the day checking that countertop's heartbeat.
Keith: [Standing and waving] Sorry, Mr. Morrison!
Dr. Perry Cox: KEITH! I think Mr. Countertop would really appreciate your undivided attention.


"Scrubs: My Long Goodbye (#6.15)" (2007)
Keith: Hey Elliot. Look, I know this weekend is our one-year anniversary, but my college buddy Donny is in Vegas and he wants me to fly out.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Coolio.
Keith: All right.
[smiles and walks away; Elliot blow-kisses at him while people from hospital staff gather around and look astonished at her]
Ted Buckland: Are you for real?
dr. Doug Murphy: That's a trick, right? I mean, when he comes back from Vegas, you're gonna tear him a new one.
Dr. Elliot Reid: No... with Keith I've decided I'm going to be the best girlfriend ever. If that means skipping some silly anniversary, that's fine... if it means having some crazy sex and then running off without cuddling to go meet the fellas for a beer, great.
dr. Mickhead: I might cry...
Ted Buckland: Man, if you were just 40 year older...


"Scrubs: His Story III (#5.19)" (2006)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Keith... you better not tell her who did it.
Keith: But Elliot scares me...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot is a blonde 108-pound ski pole form a cul de sac in Connecticut; I am an underpaid pregnant nurse from the block, who, over the next six months, will become fattier and angrier. Now... who are you really afraid of?
Keith: The fatty...?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Be careful, Keith...


"Scrubs: My House (#6.4)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: OK, we have a 41-year-old male who is as orange as an NBA game ball. Who can tell me why?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I got an idea.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, I got an idea too. If you want to work, let's stop paying for the room, so you can go home; then you can come back and get paid to work.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Turk, I just need a break from the baby. Mr Mehleison might be a vegetarian; he's always eating carrots.
Dr. Perry Cox: But carotene, like jaundice, turns you yellow, just like certain blood disorders turn you blue and tomatoes can turn you red. Sadly, there isn't anything on God's green Earth that turns you orange.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Maybe he got freaky with some Cheetos.
Dr. Perry Cox: Swing and a miss, Webster. Next.
Keith: Maybe he used some fake tan cream. I used it once... turned me orange all over...
Dr. Perry Cox: There were no foreign substances found on his skin, but kudos, Keith, on finally outing yourself.


"Scrubs: My Rite of Passage (#5.2)" (2006)
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: How funny is this joke: That patients tumor is so big it's starting to look like a three-mor.
Keith: [walking by, fake laughing] Three-mor... you are hilarious Dr D.!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Awful! Awful! Awful!


"Scrubs: My No Good Reason (#6.14)" (2007)
Heather: [recorded on tape, to Isabella] What's the matter? You're so fussy... Why are you so fussy?
Ted Buckland: I'd let her give me a bath, I don't care if my mom was watching...
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Could you make her eat a banana?
J.D.: It's not interactive, Todd.
Heather: [recorded on tape] There it is! There it is, let me...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [entering] Hey baby! What are you guys watching?
Dr. Christopher Turk: [pausing the tape] Football.
everyone: Yeah, football... yeah... good game...
[Carla turns around to the TV; Turk stops the tape]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Football? Isn't the season over?
J.D.: [narrating] And then every male in the room fell totally in sync, resulting in the rarest of all phenomenon: the seamless, collaborative guy-lie
Keith: The American season is over. We were watching Mexican football.
Dr. Doug Murphy: They started late this year.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Because of the churro vendors.
Ted Buckland: They went on strike and the players wouldn't cross the picket line.
J.D.: When the dispute turned violent, they called in Rodrigo Vasquez, the owner of the Baja Bandidos, to step in.
Dr. Kelso: Thanks to Señor Vasquez's experience dealing with the fruit-pickers' unions, he was able to broker a last-minute deal, and the season was salvaged.
Dr. Christopher Turk: And that's why we're watching football in the spring.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Whatever...


"Scrubs: My Road to Nowhere (#6.8)" (2007)
Keith: You know, we could solve both of our problems if we got your mom together with my grandma.
Ted Buckland: [indignant] My mother sleeps with men! I know. I've seen it!


"Scrubs: My Hard Labor (#7.2)" (2007)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] There are some images that even doctors can't stomach...
Keith: Oh... that is so gross I migh vomit...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, is it the patient with the infected neck wound?
Keith: Ugh... worse...
[Elliot arrives]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Hey guys!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] ... like the image of your ex-fiancèe.
Dr. Elliot Reid: How's it going, Keith?
Keith: You ruined my life.
[walks away]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Nice seeing you.