Ted Buckland
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Quotes for
Ted Buckland (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)

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"Scrubs: My New Game (#4.3)" (2004)
Dr. Cox: Don't tell me - you and Sweaty Teddy here are gonna finally have that commitment ceremony you've been dreaming about?
Dr. Kelso: Perry, even if I went that way - and believe me, there were nights in the service when it didn't sound so far-fetched - Ted is hardly my type.
Ted Buckland: I beg to differ, I've seen Enid.

Ted: Dr. Cox, remember a few years back, you asked me to look over your divorce papers to make sure "that slag would die a penniless whore"?
Jordan: Hmmm.
Ted: Sorry.
Jordan: It's okay, "slag" is kind of his pet-name for me.

"Scrubs: My Cake (#4.6)" (2004)
Ted: [in mirror] People are laughing with you. People are laughing with you. People are laughing with you...

Dr. Perry Cox: Hey, Newbie? Just in case you didn't actually notice, I have been covering all your patients, answering all your pages, and doing pretty much everything shy of picking up your sundress from the drycleaners.
J.D.: Well, I didn't ask you to do any of that, did I?
[he storms off]
Dr. Perry Cox: Outstanding! You're walking away like a pissy little ingrate. I mean, bravo!
[starts applauding]
Dr. Perry Cox: Bravo, ah!
[He whistles as Ted walks up and joins him in applauding. Cox stops clapping]
Ted: What are we clapping for?
Dr. Perry Cox: His dad just died.
[Ted's applause trails off]
Dr. Perry Cox: Dammit

"Scrubs: My Kingdom (#2.19)" (2003)
Dr. Kelso: Ted you're a simpleton.
Ted: That's funny 'cause I thought I was rubber and you were glue.
Dr. Kelso: [mutters] Idiot.
Ted: Boing fwip!

"Scrubs: My Quarantine (#4.16)" (2005)
Ted Buckland: Hey, Danni, what's shaking?... Turk and Carla's wedding - we made out?
Dr. Doug Murphy: So did we.
Danni Sullivan: Was it at the same time? Because I have a habit of doing that at people's weddings.

"Scrubs: My Identity Crisis (#7.4)" (2007)
The Janitor: Hey, Teddy! Lookin' bald and sweaty!
Ted Buckland: Putting my smile away... And on with the day.

"Scrubs: My Perspective (#6.9)" (2007)
Dr. Bob Kelso: Hiya! My name is Bob Kelso and I like whores! Now... why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth. Now you take Dorian's intern Brendan, for example: he told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap; and what did the patient do, Doctor?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, well, oh... she... she started to hyperventilate, a-and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank; it turned out to be a helium container from paediatrics. The she screamed
[in a very high-pitched voice]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: "I'll kill you, bitches!",
[in his normal voice again]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Oh, indeed it was. But you know what wasn't? When she ran for the door, tripped and fell and broke her femur. Now she's suing the hospital, and since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?
Ted Buckland: [reading his newspaper] Girlfriend's gonna get paid...
Dr. Christopher Turk: So you called this meeting to say we should lie more?
Dr. Perry Cox: Sorry there, Bobbo, but I'm gonna go ahead and tell the truth whenever I damn well please. For instance, your tie: it's hideous. In fact its only redeeming quality is to divert attention from the very visible outline of your man girdle.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Too mean.
Dr. Perry Cox: Sorry.

"Scrubs: My Lawyer's in Love (#8.8)" (2009)
Ted Buckland: [singing "Don't Fear the Reaper" with a cappella band]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] As wrong as it was to serenade sick kids about the upside of death, it was perfect for my walk to Dr Cox's office.

"Scrubs: My Best Laid Plans (#4.19)" (2005)
Janitor: Can't go clubbin' tonight, guys. Daddy's got a date.
Ted: Awww, man! I ironed my going out hair!

"Scrubs: My Dumb Luck (#7.9)" (2008)
Ted: [Seeing Turk and J.D. hug] I need one of those.
J.D.: A hug?
Ted: No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.
Turk: I should be offended, but he's right.

"Scrubs: My Chopped Liver (#5.17)" (2006)
Janitor: [Janitor, Todd, Laverne, and Ted are all mad at Carla and ominous music plays as the walk by] Guys, we're supposed to be giving the evil eye here and I'm the only one doing it. Ted you're giving sad eye!
Ted: It's all I've got!
Janitor: Now try it again.
[they all stare with "evil eye"]
Janitor: That's better. Todd, great commitment.
Todd: I just thought about flat boobies and it made me mad.

"Scrubs: My New Suit (#5.18)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: OK. As you all know Sacred Heart is dealing with a mountain of malpractice lawsuits courtesy of bumbling interns, clueless doctors and hack surgeons, or as I like to refer to them, you people. Now, since Sweaty Teddy here backs up his infinitesimal knowledge of the law with absolutely zero knowledge of medicine, one of you is going to have to help him go through the claims, decipher medical stuff and somehow relay all of that into his tiny peanut brain. Ted, how many times did I insult you during that speech? I was shooting for five.
Ted Buckland: Only three, unless you count "Sweaty Teddy" as an insult; but my mom calls me that, and she loves me, right?
Dr. Cox: No Ted. She hates you. Four. Now, since Ted has no life, and that's five, I'm going and let him select his very own victim. Ted...
Ted Buckland: I'll take Claire!
Claire: Oh God...
Ted Buckland: You turned me down 14 times for drinks! Well, who's the creepy loser now, huh?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] And just like that I had the chance to comfort Claire.
[out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You look like you need to be rescued...
[Claire nods; J.D. Narrates again]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Life was good... but then came a surprise visit from my brother and a round of the game he likes to call Watch Her Leave.
[J.D. comforts Claire; Dan arrives at their back, holding a bunch of flowers]
Dan Dorian: There's no easy way to say this... we got the crabs.
[Claire runs away]
Dan Dorian: Wow, she was cute...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yes, she was, Dan... thank you.
Dan Dorian: Welcome.
[J.D. looks into the camera]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: We'll be right back
[leaves with Dan]
Patient #1: Was he talking to us?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Don't know, don't care.

"Scrubs: My New Coat (#2.5)" (2002)
Ted: Is my birthday.
J.D.: What?
Ted: Nothing

"Scrubs: Their Story (#6.17)" (2007)
Dr. Bob Kelso: What are you thinking Ted?
Ted Buckland: [thinking] I could jam this through the soft spot on his temple, then slit my wrist with it before anyone got in here to stop me.
Ted Buckland: The usual sir.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Well, you'd never do it. You don't have the guts!

"Scrubs: My Long Goodbye (#6.15)" (2007)
Keith: Hey Elliot. Look, I know this weekend is our one-year anniversary, but my college buddy Donny is in Vegas and he wants me to fly out.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Coolio.
Keith: All right.
[smiles and walks away; Elliot blow-kisses at him while people from hospital staff gather around and look astonished at her]
Ted Buckland: Are you for real?
dr. Doug Murphy: That's a trick, right? I mean, when he comes back from Vegas, you're gonna tear him a new one.
Dr. Elliot Reid: No... with Keith I've decided I'm going to be the best girlfriend ever. If that means skipping some silly anniversary, that's fine... if it means having some crazy sex and then running off without cuddling to go meet the fellas for a beer, great.
dr. Mickhead: I might cry...
Ted Buckland: Man, if you were just 40 year older...

"Scrubs: My Tormented Mentor (#3.15)" (2004)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Dr. Kelso, the sexual harassment around here has gotten out of control. The other day someone asked Laverne if her boobs were made for walking, it's rude, and it makes no sense.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Paris and Nikki were not amused.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You named your breasts after the Hilton sisters?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Other way around, sugar.
Ted Buckland: Ladies, this hospital's policy on sexual harassment is well-established, plus -
Dr. Bob Kelso: [cuts Ted off] I'll handle this. I think what Garfunkel here is trying to say is that you should all take a second, think seriously about what is really bothering you and then have a big, group unbunching of your panties.

"Scrubs: My Big Bird (#5.8)" (2006)
Ted: Hey, Carla, did you hear that the lottery is up to a hundred million dollars? I tell you, if I can win that baby, it's separate beds for me and my mom!
Carla: Yeah, and then you can use the other $99,999,000 for therapy!

"Scrubs: My Inconvenient Truth (#7.3)" (2007)
The Janitor: OK people, time to save the planet! But where to begin?...
Ted Buckland: My first step was going with all-hemp underwear, it's AWESOME! Except when the hemp oil seeps into your bloodstream then it's AWESOMER!

"Scrubs: My First Kill (#4.4)" (2004)
Dr. Elliot Reid: I understand that because of his drug problem, some of you don't think that Mr. Phillips is a good candidate for surgery, but believe me, he understands that this heart valve is a responsibility. Those of you who have met him, like Ted, can attest to this.
Dr. Bob Kelso: This is a very dicey case. Ted, what do you think?
Ted Buckland: She knows my name! Whatever she wants!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Very ethical. Why don't I open the floor to those people who currently do not have erections? Dr. Clock. Do you think this guy'll stay clean?
Dr. Molly Clock: Oh, I'm just here as a friend. I think you should ask Ted again.
Ted Buckland: Oh, good God, she knows it too! Am I awake?

"Scrubs: My Nightingale (#2.2)" (2002)
Ted Buckland: Hey. This is my band. We all work in different departments in the hospital.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ted, I know, you told me last time that you...
Ted Buckland: [lead tenor] Legaaaaaal, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Randall: [bass] Ac-coun-tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Crispin: [baritone] Shipping and receiviiiiiiiiiing, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Roy: [high tenor] On-site property management including pest control, night-time security, non-arboreal gardening services, and tenant-related easements and liens.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Hey, you got promoted!
Ted Buckland, Randall, Crispin, Roy: [in four-part harmony] It's about time. He's/I've been busting his/my hump around here for six years. Hmmm-mmm.

"Scrubs: My Fishbowl (#6.12)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: [Carla tells bad joke] You would hear crickets chirping, but they were too uncomfortable at just how unfunny that actually was.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: So what, I'm not funny?
Dr. Perry Cox: Why I think you're very funny... WHEN you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse. You know, as long as you stay right in you wheel house.
[Dr. Cox begins walking through the room]
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck; your husband does it when he's sarcastic.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ya know, I do what I do when I do what I do.
Dr. Perry Cox: The Janitor is amusing because quite frankly he's insane
The Janitor: [walks by with tiny boots that look like they are for a baby on his hands] I made shoes for my bunny.
Dr. Perry Cox: [walks over the J.D] And Alice here, well she can turn a phrase. and I'm assuming because I called you Alice you're thinking of me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
[Dr. Cox appears as Alice from the Brady Bunch then looks at J.D]
Dr. Perry Cox: Aren't ya?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: He was.
Dr. Perry Cox: Now some people just have funny names, for instance, Dr. Beardface, Dr. McHead, Colonel Doctor, and of course Snoop Dogg intern.
Snoop Dogg Intern: [grabs his white coat] Hey, Hey.
Dr. Perry Cox: My bad, Snoop Dogg resident. The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God, which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the Hospital Sad sack.
Ted Buckland: I am?
Dr. Perry Cox: Yes Ted.
Ted Buckland: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Dr. Perry Cox: And me I'm just funny because I commit C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T...
[makes the notion of sipping tea]
Dr. Perry Cox: -TEA. And I also do silly rants. But there is just one man who is funny, no matter what he says.
Dr. Bob Kelso: [Kelso enters] Are my undergarments made of wool because my WEASLES getting heat stroke?
Dr. Perry Cox: The point is please don't tell anymore jokes.
Ted Buckland: I'm not a sadsack am I?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ted, your pen exploded!
Ted Buckland: [looks at his shirt with a large blue stain on it] Awwwwww
[looks at is blue hand on his head]
Ted Buckland: AWWWWWWWWW!

"Scrubs: My Jerks (#8.1)" (2009)
Dr. Taylor Maddox: [Looking into Ted's briefcase] Hey... Home come all you have in there is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well one's in case I get sad, and the other is in case I get really sad.

"Scrubs: My Rite of Passage (#5.2)" (2006)
Ted Buckland: These two new nurses have wonderful breasts.
Todd Quinlan: Hey, they have names!
[pointing to each breasts]
Todd Quinlan: Tina, Marge, Sloppy and Mr Snuggles.
Nurse Roberts: Sloppy is bigger than Mr Snuggles.

"Scrubs: My No Good Reason (#6.14)" (2007)
Heather: [recorded on tape, to Isabella] What's the matter? You're so fussy... Why are you so fussy?
Ted Buckland: I'd let her give me a bath, I don't care if my mom was watching...
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Could you make her eat a banana?
J.D.: It's not interactive, Todd.
Heather: [recorded on tape] There it is! There it is, let me...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [entering] Hey baby! What are you guys watching?
Dr. Christopher Turk: [pausing the tape] Football.
everyone: Yeah, football... yeah... good game...
[Carla turns around to the TV; Turk stops the tape]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Football? Isn't the season over?
J.D.: [narrating] And then every male in the room fell totally in sync, resulting in the rarest of all phenomenon: the seamless, collaborative guy-lie
Keith: The American season is over. We were watching Mexican football.
Dr. Doug Murphy: They started late this year.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Because of the churro vendors.
Ted Buckland: They went on strike and the players wouldn't cross the picket line.
J.D.: When the dispute turned violent, they called in Rodrigo Vasquez, the owner of the Baja Bandidos, to step in.
Dr. Kelso: Thanks to Señor Vasquez's experience dealing with the fruit-pickers' unions, he was able to broker a last-minute deal, and the season was salvaged.
Dr. Christopher Turk: And that's why we're watching football in the spring.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Whatever...

"Scrubs: My Female Trouble (#4.10)" (2004)
Neena Broderick: So should we start this deposition or do you boys want to just hand us a big bag of money?
Harvey Corman: Big bag of money.
Turk: You aren't gonna freeze up around her again, are you Ted?
Ted Buckland: No chance. I'm drugged up. Plus, if I concentrate, I think I can control the excessive flop sweat I get the second she speaks!

"Scrubs: My Soul on Fire: Part 1 (#8.14)" (2009)
Ted Buckland: [about Elliot singing] I feel like you raped my soul.

"Scrubs: My Changing Ways (#4.25)" (2005)
Ted: 312 times 481 equals...
Ted: Sir, it's not giving me the answer!
Dr. Kelso: It's a typewriter, you jackass.
Ted: [tie is stuck in typewriter] Oh God, it's got my tie!
[falls to the floor with typewriter]

"Scrubs: My Musical (#6.6)" (2007)
Patti: [singing] What's going to happen? / What does the future hold? / So many things that I've put off / Assuming I'd have time / Assuming I'd grow old. / What's going to happen? / And will I be alive tomorrow? / What's going to happen... / To me?
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] You're going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, The Janitor, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Doug Murphy, Ted Buckland: That's what's going to happen. / Everything's okay. / We're right here beside you / We won't let you slip away. / Plan for tomorrow / 'Cause we swear to you, / You're going to be okay.
Patti: I'm going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's what's going to happen.
Patti: Everything's okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso: Everything's okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Bob Kelso: We would never leave you.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: Right here we will stay. / Plan for tomorrow, / 'Cause we swear to you / You're going to be okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [last sung line of the episode] We hope.
Dr. Perry Cox: Shhhhhh.

"Scrubs: My Road to Nowhere (#6.8)" (2007)
Keith: You know, we could solve both of our problems if we got your mom together with my grandma.
Ted Buckland: [indignant] My mother sleeps with men! I know. I've seen it!

"Scrubs: My Scrubs (#6.13)" (2007)
Ted Buckland: I'm telling you sir, a lifeless ghost dog glided in front of my car wearing roller skates!

"Scrubs: My Brother, Where Art Thou? (#3.5)" (2003)
Dr. Bob Kelso: Why are you here?
Dr. Elliot Reid: My boyfriend is in New Zealand for six months; if I don't moonlight, I'm never gonna have enough money to see him.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: My wedding's costing twice as much as I thought, and would I need the extra cash.
Ted Buckland: Baxter won't get out of my chair!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Dr Kelso, even though we're understaffed and underpaid I've been working here for ten years. I mean, all day long all I hear is "Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla... Carla... Carla...".
Dr. Elliot Reid: Sir, what... w-w-what Carla is saying, and not in any kind of crazy or rambling sort of way, is that we work hard here in the hospital, but it's not the only thing in our lives.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Surely you must know what it's like to love someone so much that you'd do anything you had to?
Dr. Bob Kelso: [breaths heavily] I'll see you two in the morning... Now get out of my office before I change my mind.
[Carla and Elliot leave; Ted remains. Kelso picks up the phone and makes a call]
Dr. Bob Kelso: Darling, I wanna say something. For the past 25 years we've been going through the motions; once every couple of weeks we have sex and then we have breakfast without saying a word... Well, tonight I want you to put on a nice dress because I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years. I love you too...
[hangs up]
Ted Buckland: That was beautiful, sir...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Thanks Ted. Call my wife, tell her I won't be home tonight.

"Scrubs: My Lips Are Sealed (#4.21)" (2005)
J.D.: J.D.: I had to hide from Turk, so I went to the one place that I knew no one would ever venture.
[enters Ted's office]
J.D.: Ted? Ted?
Ted: A little help!
J.D.: Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.
J.D.: Ted, lunch was four hours ago.
Ted: Yep, I wasted most of my Tuesday.
J.D.: It's Wednesday.
Ted: Aw, man! I missed the Gilmore Girls!

"Scrubs: His Story IV (#6.7)" (2007)
J.D.: [thinking about Dr. Kelso] I always wondered what he did in his office all day.
[flash to fantasy of Kelso in his office with Ted]
Dr. Kelso: Human Magic 8-Ball, tell me if I should play golf this weekend?
[He shakes Ted's head like a Magic 8-ball]
Ted Buckland: I am a lawyer!
Dr. Kelso: I said, should I play golf?
[Kelso shakes Ted's head again]
Ted Buckland: Ask again later!... Why would I say that?
[Kelso shakes his head again]
Ted Buckland: [flash back to J.D]
J.D.: [thinking] My daydreams are crazy!
Ted Buckland: Oh, dizzy!
[he collapses against a rack of medical supplies, knocking it over]

"Scrubs: My Chief Concern (#8.17)" (2009)
Jordan Sullivan: [to Ted] Hey, Sweat stain! How's it going with your girlfriend now that you guys are roomies?
Ted Buckland: Oh we're having sex like all the time.
Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Jordan Sullivan, Dr. Elliot Reid: [disgusted] Oh!
Ted Buckland: Why do people react like that when they picture me having sex?
Dr. Bob Kelso: You try it!
Ted Buckland: [horrified] OH GOD!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Not a pretty sight is it?

"Scrubs: My Ocardial Infarction (#4.13)" (2005)
The Janitor: Well, it-it - you know the only reason I was wearing the suit at all was because our, uh, a cappella band was... practicing.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, that's great! What's your band's name?
The Janitor: Uh... It's, uh, Hibbleton. Yeah, yeah. And, um, I don't think it's going too far to say that we're the best hospital employee band in town.
Ted Buckland, Roy, Crispin, Randall: [in four-part harmony] Oh, really?

"Scrubs: My Fifteen Seconds (#3.7)" (2003)
[Dr. Kelso has punctured his eardrums]
Ted: There you are, you deaf bastard! I hate you so much, every time you utter my name, I wanna stick my fist all the way down your throat and watch you slowly choke on it!
Dr. Kelso: Ted, I can hear now.
Ted: [frightened] Who's Ted?

"Scrubs: My Waste of Time (#7.10)" (2008)
[J.D. is watching Ted and the Janitor argue]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Those two should have their own sitcom.
[cut to fantasy segment]
Ted Buckland: [singing] I'm a lawyer!
The Janitor: [singing] I'm a janitor!
Ted Buckland, The Janitor: Together we adopted a cute little kid. We're Legal Custodians!
[song ends]
Ted Buckland, The Janitor: Get it?

"Scrubs: My Malpractical Decision (#4.9)" (2004)
Dr. Bob Kelso: Shore it up, people. Neena Broderick's in the building.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: As tactless as it was to yell that in a room of very sick people, Ted had a point.