Nurse Laverne Roberts
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Quotes for
Nurse Laverne Roberts (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)

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"Scrubs: My Rite of Passage (#5.2)" (2006)
Janitor: [proving a point to JD] Everybody kisses the ass of the person above them.
Dr. Kelso: [to Dr. Mickhead] I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart.
[Mickhead fake-laughs at Dr. Kelso's pun]
Dr. Mickhead: [to Nurse Roberts] I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-freud.
[Nurse Roberts fake-laughs at Dr. Mickhead's pun]
Nurse Roberts: [to cafeteria worker] I was going to be a doctor... But I didn't have the patience.
[cafeteria worker fake-laughs at Nurse Roberts' pun]
Cafeteria Worker: [to homeless guy] I was gonna be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough.
[homeless guy fake-laughs at Cafeteria Worker's pun]
Homeless Guy: [to his dog] You know, I was gonna have her bring you some chicken, but it was foul.

Ted Buckland: These two new nurses have wonderful breasts.
Todd Quinlan: Hey, they have names!
[pointing to each breasts]
Todd Quinlan: Tina, Marge, Sloppy and Mr Snuggles.
Nurse Roberts: Sloppy is bigger than Mr Snuggles.

Dr. Perry Cox: Oh. Would everyone please watch this? Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy. He leads off with the Chin Quiver.
[Thompson does so]
Dr. Perry Cox: Then he goes right to the Look Away.
[Thompson drops his eyes, and waves off Jordan's hand on his shoulder]
Dr. Perry Cox: He tries to hold it back but he just can't because there's too much pain!
[Thompson's body shudders]
Dr. Perry Cox: And then finally, he squeezes out one single... tear
[mock cries and leads the applause]
Dr. Perry Cox: ... Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theatre!
Dr. Christopher Turk: I can't watch this.
Nurse Roberts: Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.

"Scrubs: My Kingdom (#2.19)" (2003)
Nurse Roberts: Junior, I don't know what you're doing in my area, but you better be looking for some bandages because you're going to need them when I get through with you.
[realizes it's Dr. Kelso]
Nurse Roberts: Dr. Kelso... I didn't recognize you in scrubs.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's okay, Laverne, I didn't recognize you without your mini-TV and your feet up.

Nurse Laverne Roberts: [about Dr. Kelso, whom everyone believes is dead] He's with Jesus now...
[looks up]
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Tough break, Big guy.

"Scrubs: My T.C.W. (#2.18)" (2003)
J.D.: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! And shut up! Okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long!
[to Dr. Cox]
J.D.: And you know what? Glare all you want, Big Dog, okay, cause I'm not afraid of you. Oh, no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby! That must be so hard for Dr. Look-At-Me! Isn't it? Look at me!
[to Turk and Carla]
J.D.: And you two? Come on, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that, ever! It can't be that you're just scared, is it?
[to Elliot]
J.D.: And you! Y-you know what, let's just - let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone. Because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!
[storms out as Laverne comes in]
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Did I miss something good?

[Carla is escorting a patient, a boy named Ralphie, to Pediatrics]
Carla: Come on, Ralphie.
[he notices her engagement ring]
Ralphie: I had that inside of me.
Nurse Roberts: What, now?
Carla: He's just making stuff up. Come on.
Ralphie: I swallowed that ring, and my dad had to wait for me to go Number Two. And the black doctor gave me ten bucks to keep my mouth shut.
[Carla gasps and drags Ralphie down the hall]
Nurse Roberts: [to herself] Mm. Good show today.

"Scrubs: My Lucky Day (#2.9)" (2002)
Dr. Cox: [JD recently identified a disease in a patient from watching a TV show and Dr. Cox wants to prove it was a fluke] Here's your chance. Two identical patients. I say we divide 'em up, just like in "The Parent Trap". One goes with the sexy, freewheeling bachelor dad, hello. The other goes with the whiny, neurotic, sexually repressed mom, oh, just you all over. Oh, and I checked tonight's TV listings. There is no special on that disease, so you're gonna wanna stop at the Blockbuster.
J.D.: Please, I know all there is to know about thrombotic thrombo cyto... cytop top top top... toppy... toppy.
Nurse Roberts: Thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura.

J.D.: And Laverne, I'm sorry I'm bein' such a pain about this guy, it's just that Dr. Cox and I have this little competition goin', and... I know that probably seems insensitive to you...
Nurse Roberts: Sweetheart, you don't have to explain yourself to me. But you better get your story straight when you come face to face with Jesus.

"Scrubs: My Dirty Secret (#3.9)" (2003)
Dr. Elliot Reid: I honestly don't mind that you're making fun of me but what does bother me is that no one is ever allowed to make fun of you.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: People can make fun of me.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [scoffs] Come on, what about that delivery guy yesterday? I mean, you practically tore him a new binglebore.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: But he's not my friend. My friends can make fun of me whenever they want.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really? Well in that case you're a know-it-all smartypants and if you're not telling someone what to do, you're probably not talking.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Okay, I guess I can be a little bossy.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: A little? Girl, please. If you met Jesus hisself, you'd be trying to tell him where to park his donkey.
J.D.: Oh, are we allowed to do this now? What about that whole like, hands on the hips Carla from the block thing she does when she's mad when she's like
J.D.: "oh Bambi, you do not want to mess with me right now."
Dr. Doug Murphy: [laughs] You do sound like that.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [with her hand on her hip] Careful, Doug, we are not that close yet.
Dr. Elliot Reid, J.D.: [laughing and mocking] Careful, Doug. Doug, wussup. Doug, you better be careful. Mm-hmm. 'Cause I'm Carla.

"Scrubs: My Missed Perception (#5.6)" (2006)
Dr. Christopher Turk: Where's the donut truck? I was paged there was a donut track out here!
Dr. Elliot Reid: I got paged there was a handbag sample sale!
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Where's the booby-touching booth?
J.D.: It's weird. It's like everyone was lured out here by the thing they want most in the world.
Dr. Perry Cox: [arriving running, watching J.D] Hey! You're not getting your ass kicked!
Dr. Kelso: Hold the phone... look! Bleachers! Ladder! Bucket of combs! She's trying to take the picture! Scatter!
[everybody runs away]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [standing on the top of a ladder] Nobody move! Laverne, door!
Nurse Laverne Roberts: [standing on the threshold of the hospital's entrance, holding a broom] Nobody's getting past here, baby!

"Scrubs: My Butterfly (#3.16)" (2004)
The Janitor: I don't want to clean this up.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Then you picked the wrong day to be the janitor.

"Scrubs: My Tormented Mentor (#3.15)" (2004)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Dr. Kelso, the sexual harassment around here has gotten out of control. The other day someone asked Laverne if her boobs were made for walking, it's rude, and it makes no sense.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Paris and Nikki were not amused.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You named your breasts after the Hilton sisters?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Other way around, sugar.
Ted Buckland: Ladies, this hospital's policy on sexual harassment is well-established, plus -
Dr. Bob Kelso: [cuts Ted off] I'll handle this. I think what Garfunkel here is trying to say is that you should all take a second, think seriously about what is really bothering you and then have a big, group unbunching of your panties.

"Scrubs: His Story III (#5.19)" (2006)
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Dr. Turk is not aware that Lonnie was all-conference at Villanova.
Dr. Cox: Laverne, would you go ahead and thank what's-his-name for me.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Jesus?
Dr. Cox: That's him.

"Scrubs: My New Old Friend (#2.12)" (2003)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Look, Elliot, I...
Dr. Perry Cox: Ah damn! I missed the annual sleepover, didn't I? That wonderful time of year when you two crazy kids throw caution to the wind and make sweet, elbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy! You can tell Uncle Coxy about the naught-ay!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox, I lost my apartment and so I was just needing a place to stay...
Dr. Perry Cox: so you went over to your "friend"'s house and cried on his shoulder, boo-hoo... wham! You
[to JD]
Dr. Perry Cox: , of course, comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable and blah, blah, blah, nerdy sex... the end. Dear Lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Are you kidding? If he turns out to be her brother, this is better than my stories.
Dr. Perry Cox: [going away] Oh, you're so right...

"Scrubs: My Philosophy (#2.13)" (2003)
Dr. Bob Kelso: Laverne, I'm going to pretend you're not wearing that.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Don't you usually wait 'till you get home to do that?

"Scrubs: My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby (#6.2)" (2006)
Dr. Kim Briggs: J.D., we have to talk about all of our pregnancy options, even if they make us uncomfortable- There's one way of dealing with this that no one's mentioned yet... the "A" word.
J.D.: I know.
[as Kim speaks too]
J.D.: Appletinis.
Dr. Kim Briggs: [as J.D. Speaks too] Abortion... what?
J.D.: I though that we could discuss abortion over Appletinis.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Did somebody just say "abortion"?
Dr. Kim Briggs: Laverne, with all due respect, this is none of your business... or Jesus'.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: [puts a Jesus statue on the counter] I believe he would beg to differ...
[J.D.' fantasy starts]
Jesus: She's right, J.D., every life is precious.
J.D.: But what if having this baby is a huge mistake for us?
Jesus: [sighs tiredly, massages his own eyes and stretches from stress] OK... I'm gonna make this real simple: no abortion, OK?
J.D.: But what if...
Jesus: [in a high-pitched voice] No abortions...
J.D.: Let me finish... what if the parents were, like, abusive drug-addicts who would neglect their kid?
Jesus: Oh, well, in that case it'd be OK.
J.D.: Really?
Jesus: No abortions! How are you not getting this?
[J.D.'s fantasy ends]

"Scrubs: My Office (#4.2)" (2004)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I've told Elliot a million times that she would be a good chief resident, but she just ignored me.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Maybe she's racist.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's fine, it's fine. It's not like all my friends are gonna go to Molly for advice.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Mmm-hmm.
Dr. Molly Clock: Nurse Roberts, if you still wanna talk about that situation with your husband, we can go to my office now.

"Scrubs: My Drama Queen (#2.21)" (2003)
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Dr. Cox! Would you like to try some of my world-famous deviled eggs?
Dr. Perry Cox: No, thanks, I've already had diarrhea.

"Scrubs: My Overkill (#2.1)" (2002)
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Okay, fine: I'm sorry I slept with your ex-wife!
Nurse Laverne Roberts: I think I'll sit back down.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: It was an accident.
Dr. Perry Cox: Look... First of all, it's not like you tripped and fell into her... and then out of her... and then into her... again. And, second of all, you're smart enough to know that I don't want to talk about this; I don't want to know where you did it; I don't even want to know... how it was.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: A little scary - - Sorry! Jitters!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] And here come the fireworks...
Dr. Perry Cox: I know you didn't have any idea who she was, and I understand why you were too nervous to tell me. So, whatta ya say we leave it at that? I forgive you; you are forgiven. Okay?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] Cool.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Damn.

"Scrubs: His Story IV (#6.7)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: Poor kid. His head's blown off... and all for nothing.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: All for nothing? My nephew Lance is over there fighting to give those people democracy.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, so that's why we're over there! And here I thought it was to root out terrorists... or was it for oil? Or for Mama Hussein's secret falafel recipe? Ah, it's so gosh darn hard to keep truck...

"Scrubs: My Urologist (#5.23)" (2006)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why are you breaking up with Keith?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look... Keith is sweet, but after watching him get walked on again this morning, I feel like I need a stronger man in my life. I want what you guys have... someone to stand up for me when I really need it, you know? Someone as confident as Turk or as brave as Dr Cox or as... I'm sorry Laverne, I don't really know your husband. What are some of Mr Roberts' good qualities?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Well, he was a roadie for Jimi Hendrix, and when it rains he carries me to the car.
Dr. Elliot Reid: And you guys have been together what... 60 years?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: I'm 48! And I'm done here.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Uhm... my bad... yeah...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [sobbing and crying] I don't want Keith to go... Elliot, I don't want Keith to go!
Jordan Sullivan: Aww... there, there...
[she starts to console her, then she pushes Carla's chair away. Elliot looks at her astonished]
Jordan Sullivan: What? "I'm pregnant... I'm crying... I'm laughing...". Enough already... it's boring.

"Scrubs: My Hard Labor (#7.2)" (2007)
Dr. Kim Briggs: [in labor] Aaaaargh! I hate you so much right now, J.D.!
Dr. Donna: Don't worry, all women say that stuff during labor. She doesn't mean it.
Dr. Kim Briggs: I do! He just broke up with me!
Dr. Donna: What?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, no! Technically I didn't break up with her; I just told her I didn't love her.
Nurse Shirley: Who did he say that to?
Dr. Donna: The mother of his baby!
Nurse Shirley: No, he didn't...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to himself] Man, she looks familiar...
Dr. Kim Briggs: Get out!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, I'm not letting you go through this alone.
Dr. Kim Briggs: I have someone else I can call!
[Elliot's sleeping; her phone rings; she wakes up and answers]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Keith, I get it, I ruined your life. Stop calling.
[on the phone Kim cries in agony]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh hey, Kim!

"Scrubs: My Boss's Free Haircut (#4.20)" (2005)
Nell Goldman: Why am I paying you to tell me things I've already figured out on my own?
Dr. Kelso: Maybe because I graduated first of my class at Stanford in 1972.
Nell Goldman: You graduated 12th in your class in 1968.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: She Googled your ass.

"Scrubs: His Story II (#3.18)" (2004)
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Hey, Laverne. What'd you give me if I get this jelly bean into your cleavage?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: A concussion.