Dan Dorian
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Quotes for
Dan Dorian (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)

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"Scrubs: My Cake (#4.6)" (2004)
J.D.: What happened?
Dan Dorian: What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel eight hundred miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "Hey, how're things?"
J.D.: Dan...
Dan Dorian: Dad died.

J.D.: It was all right; we spent most of the time dealing with the headstone problem. See, since Dad was an office supplies salesman, he wanted it to be shaped like a pencil.
Turk: So?
Dan Dorian: So, it looked like a giant marble penis - which I maintain, Dad would have liked even more.

J.D.: You know, it wasn't exactly easy showering with you in there.
Dan Dorian: Well, it wasn't exactly easy for me, either. You have Dad's butt.
J.D.: You think you'll get out of the tub today?
Dan Dorian: Yeah, today doesn't look good - by the way, could you get me another beer?
J.D.: No, look, I put a six-pack for you in the toilet.

Dr. Perry Cox: Truth be told, there, Newbie: I'm proud of you.
Dan Dorian: Me too.
J.D.: [narrating] It's amazing how a few simple words can change everything.

[Dr. Cox has duct-taped Dan's head to the wall above the bathtub]
Dan Dorian: What's this?
Dr. Perry Cox: It's your basic homemade anti-drowning device to be worn until your brother returns.
Dan Dorian: ...I like it.

Dr. Perry Cox: Listen, Dan...
Dan Dorian: [points to a beard of bubbles on his chin] Captain Bubblebeard. Sheaht yer scuppers, me hardies!
[Dr. Cox shoves Dan's head under the bathwater]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now you're Dan again! Let's break down the kid's support structure, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist; and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what must be, by now, mostly your own urine!
Dan Dorian: I believe the ratio has shifted, yes...
Dr. Perry Cox: And I have to believe that together, *together*, Dan, we can make it at least half way to one legitimite adult!
Dan Dorian: You're right, Coxy!
[Dan stands up. Dr. Cox frowns at his crotch]
Dan Dorian: JD needs us, and he needs us now!
Dr. Perry Cox: Towel!
Dan Dorian: Let's do this!
[Dan wraps himself in the towel, and takes one step out of the bathtub before falling flat on his face]
Dan Dorian: I may have lost some muscle mass in my legs...
Dr. Perry Cox: Fantastic.

"Scrubs: My Brother, Where Art Thou? (#3.5)" (2003)
Dan: [as Dr. Cox leaves at the end of his shift, J.D.'s brother Dan is waiting for him outside the hospital entrance] Hey, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy.
Dan: You don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? I'm a screw-up. Always have been.
Dan: Ever since we were kids, my mom always made me walk Johnny to school first day every year, and every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school...
Dan: ...just 'cause.
Dr. Cox: Boy, that's a great story, really. And I'm sure you're just a horrible big brother...
Dan: [smiles in mock humility] Well...
Dr. Cox: ...but I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed. Turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his deathbed.
Dan: Hey, listen, Dr. Cox, no offense, I'm a big fan of the tough guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you LOVE the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we KNEW was going someplace. Sweet kid. Smart kid. Becoming a doctor? This is ALL he ever wanted, and yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turn him into some kind of cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny is never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So I'm askin' - I'm tellin' you: take that responsibility seriously, stop being such a hard-ass. Otherwise, you're gonna have to answer to me.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] Love can give you strength you never knew you had.
Dan: [holds out his hand to Cox] It's good seeing you, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: [takes Dan's hand and shakes it] Good to see you, Dan. All the best.
[walks away]

Dan: Yeah but these are living, breathing people here...
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, what is it you do again?
Dan: I'm a bartender.
Dr. Cox: Well, Dan, I'm gonna go ahead and worry about how we do things around here. But if I ever need to make a top notch rum and coke, well, by golly, mister, you better be right by the phone cause I might just give you a jingle.
[Dr. Cox begins to walk away]
Dr. Cox: [makes a ringing noise] Dan, Cox-a-roony, regarding the rum and coke issue... could not be more confused...

"Scrubs: My New Suit (#5.18)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: OK. As you all know Sacred Heart is dealing with a mountain of malpractice lawsuits courtesy of bumbling interns, clueless doctors and hack surgeons, or as I like to refer to them, you people. Now, since Sweaty Teddy here backs up his infinitesimal knowledge of the law with absolutely zero knowledge of medicine, one of you is going to have to help him go through the claims, decipher medical stuff and somehow relay all of that into his tiny peanut brain. Ted, how many times did I insult you during that speech? I was shooting for five.
Ted Buckland: Only three, unless you count "Sweaty Teddy" as an insult; but my mom calls me that, and she loves me, right?
Dr. Cox: No Ted. She hates you. Four. Now, since Ted has no life, and that's five, I'm going and let him select his very own victim. Ted...
Ted Buckland: I'll take Claire!
Claire: Oh God...
Ted Buckland: You turned me down 14 times for drinks! Well, who's the creepy loser now, huh?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] And just like that I had the chance to comfort Claire.
[out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You look like you need to be rescued...
[Claire nods; J.D. Narrates again]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Life was good... but then came a surprise visit from my brother and a round of the game he likes to call Watch Her Leave.
[J.D. comforts Claire; Dan arrives at their back, holding a bunch of flowers]
Dan Dorian: There's no easy way to say this... we got the crabs.
[Claire runs away]
Dan Dorian: Wow, she was cute...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yes, she was, Dan... thank you.
Dan Dorian: Welcome.
[J.D. looks into the camera]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: We'll be right back
[leaves with Dan]
Patient #1: Was he talking to us?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Don't know, don't care.

"Scrubs: My Common Enemy (#4.7)" (2004)
Dr. Christopher Turk: You know, on The Sopranos, if a guy caught his brother with his girlfriend, he'd just rub his ass out.
J.D.: Oh, believe you me, the second I get Dan alone, there's gonna be some serious ass rubbing... I shouldn't smack talk.
Dan Dorian: [arriving] Hey, mind if I join you guys?
Dr. Perry Cox: [arriving too] The question you should be asking is "Mind if I diddle your ex?". Oh... and just a great big congratulations on your ongoing streak of being the world's worst older brother.
Dan Dorian: [stands, then smiles] Thanks, Coxy.
J.D.: [narrating] I knew it was my turn to let Dan have it, but for some reason I wasn't mad.
[out loud]
J.D.: Listen, Dan...
Dan Dorian: J.D., let me explain. I came to the hospital to see you... and I ran into Elliot and it just happened. It was an one-time thing.
J.D.: I'm OK with it.
Dan Dorian: Great, because it's going on for a few weeks! Elliot's amazing: smart, funny... hhhot! I was in a dark place and she saved me, she really did. I haven't feel this good since my dad died.
J.D.: Our dad.
Dan Dorian: Right.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Hold on. When Carla and I came home yesterday, we heard something; did you two hook up in J.D.'s room?
Dan Dorian: A friend wouldn't ask, a gentleman wouldn't tell.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Did you?
Dan Dorian: Twice. We didn't go under the sheets, out of respect.
J.D.: [sarcastically] How thoughtful!