Dr. Todd Quinlan
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Quotes for
Dr. Todd Quinlan (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)

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"Scrubs: My Tormented Mentor (#3.15)" (2004)
Todd Quinlan: It *is* a hard knock life.

Todd Quinlan: Well as long as your expectations are low, maybe we should have sex.
Dr. Miller: I'm concerned about you. I think you hold us women responsible for the fact your mommy didn't give you enough attention. And if you don't get help soon you might start picking up prostitutes and killing them.

Nurse Carla Espinosa: [extremely frustrated] NOOOOOOOOO, Todd, the term "melons" is just as offensive as "sweater meat"!
Todd Quinlan: Well, then I am thoroughly confused.

"Scrubs: My Quarantine (#4.16)" (2005)
[the hospital is under quarantine]
Dr. Perry Cox: Let's bear in mind that we are shorthanded: There are only four doctors here.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I counted more than that.
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm talking legitimate doctors, turtle-head. Here pee-pants is a pathologist, so he doesn't count. Johnson is a dermatologist, which is Greek for "fake doctor," and please don't even get me started on you four surgeons.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: There's only two of us.
Dr. Perry Cox: You are so very useless, I counted you both twice.

Dr. Todd Quinlan: I went out with this girl; she was like the worst first date ever. I take her for a romantic ferry ride, and for some reason I decide to take it out -
Carla: Okay, your turn is done.

"Scrubs: My Chopped Liver (#5.17)" (2006)
Jordan: You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.
Elliot: You don't like Cox?
Jordan: Actually I love Cox.
Todd: [walks up, knocks on table] Greatest conversation ever.

Janitor: [Janitor, Todd, Laverne, and Ted are all mad at Carla and ominous music plays as the walk by] Guys, we're supposed to be giving the evil eye here and I'm the only one doing it. Ted you're giving sad eye!
Ted: It's all I've got!
Janitor: Now try it again.
[they all stare with "evil eye"]
Janitor: That's better. Todd, great commitment.
Todd: I just thought about flat boobies and it made me mad.

"Scrubs: My Lunch (#5.20)" (2006)
Carla: Hey J.D. If you go out, would you get me a hot italian sausage?
Todd: I've got a hot Italian sausage for you right here.

Todd: [Talking to Elliot and Carla after lying that he was gay] You know, I really gotta thank you gals for outing me. Chicks dig gay dudes.
Elliot: Oh, my God, I cannot believe I let you into that dressing room while I was trying on bras.
Carla: [turns to Elliot] Eewww!
Todd: That was a very special time for me.
Carla: Unbelieveable.
Elliot: [as they walk away] He saw the girls.
Todd: [Carla and Elliot are now down the hall] It's ok if you girls wanna walk away, cause I'd love to see you go. Nothing wrong with that.
[walks down the hall, looks to an intern]
Todd: Nothing wrong with that either.
[looks to a nurse]
Todd: Or that.
Todd: [Janitor and The Todd meet]
Janitor: What the hell are you?
Todd: I'm the Todd
[Todd walks off]
Janitor: [makes a disgusted face]

"Scrubs: My Identity Crisis (#7.4)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: [examining a radiography] Yeah, that looks like a healthy bone.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Speaking of healthy bones...
Jordan Sullivan: Perry...
Dr. Todd Quinlan: One second, ma'am. I've got one in my pants. He's all yours.
Dr. Perry Cox: [to a surgeon] Why don't we go over this later? Thanks.
Jordan Sullivan: What have you been doing all day?
Dr. Perry Cox: Right up until this very moment I'd been successfully avoiding you.
Jordan Sullivan: I came to tell you I'm taking the kids to my mother's for the weekend. And seeing that you're not allowed within 40 feet of her house...
Dr. Perry Cox: The restraining order!
Jordan Sullivan: Christmas memories... anyhoo, you're staying here. I'm gonna leave you alone to celebrate.

"Scrubs: My Missed Perception (#5.6)" (2006)
Dr. Christopher Turk: Where's the donut truck? I was paged there was a donut track out here!
Dr. Elliot Reid: I got paged there was a handbag sample sale!
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Where's the booby-touching booth?
J.D.: It's weird. It's like everyone was lured out here by the thing they want most in the world.
Dr. Perry Cox: [arriving running, watching J.D] Hey! You're not getting your ass kicked!
Dr. Kelso: Hold the phone... look! Bleachers! Ladder! Bucket of combs! She's trying to take the picture! Scatter!
[everybody runs away]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [standing on the top of a ladder] Nobody move! Laverne, door!
Nurse Laverne Roberts: [standing on the threshold of the hospital's entrance, holding a broom] Nobody's getting past here, baby!

"Scrubs: My Butterfly (#3.16)" (2004)
Todd Quinlan: I've got a pink doggy. But it's not little.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Todd, if you show me your penis, I will take it off you.
Todd Quinlan: Cool.

"Scrubs: My Roommates (#4.18)" (2005)
Todd Quinlan: There's only one rule if you're gonna stay at El Casa de Todd:
[removes robe to reveal his bananahammock]
Todd Quinlan: You gotta hammock up.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh... I don't have one of those, Todd.
Todd Quinlan: No problem.
[opens wardrobe which is full of bananahammocks and takes one out]
Todd Quinlan: What are you, about a medium?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: ...Extra-medium.
Todd Quinlan: This'll work. And it'll look good, too.

"Scrubs: My Occurrence (#1.22)" (2002)
Todd Quinlan: Dr. Wen wanted to know if you have the wrong patient; cause our appendectomy patient - that dude doesn't have an appendix!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah? Wow...
Todd Quinlan: Whoa! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

"Scrubs: My Friend the Doctor (#3.8)" (2003)
Todd: Oh, so he can call you "Smelliot" but I'm not allowed to call you "Vagina Face"?
Elliot: Not the same, Todd!
Todd: HMPH!

"Scrubs: My Half-Acre (#5.9)" (2006)
J.D.: How did you know I'd move to fast with Julie?
Dr. Cox: How do you know that I can be that kind of dad?
Turk: How did you that Kelso just wanted respect?
Elliot: Because I know you!
Carla: Because I know you!
Janitor: Because I know him!
Todd: [watches it on the security camera] This is so cool!

"Scrubs: My Rite of Passage (#5.2)" (2006)
Ted Buckland: These two new nurses have wonderful breasts.
Todd Quinlan: Hey, they have names!
[pointing to each breasts]
Todd Quinlan: Tina, Marge, Sloppy and Mr Snuggles.
Nurse Roberts: Sloppy is bigger than Mr Snuggles.

"Scrubs: My No Good Reason (#6.14)" (2007)
Heather: [recorded on tape, to Isabella] What's the matter? You're so fussy... Why are you so fussy?
Ted Buckland: I'd let her give me a bath, I don't care if my mom was watching...
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Could you make her eat a banana?
J.D.: It's not interactive, Todd.
Heather: [recorded on tape] There it is! There it is, let me...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [entering] Hey baby! What are you guys watching?
Dr. Christopher Turk: [pausing the tape] Football.
everyone: Yeah, football... yeah... good game...
[Carla turns around to the TV; Turk stops the tape]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Football? Isn't the season over?
J.D.: [narrating] And then every male in the room fell totally in sync, resulting in the rarest of all phenomenon: the seamless, collaborative guy-lie
Keith: The American season is over. We were watching Mexican football.
Dr. Doug Murphy: They started late this year.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Because of the churro vendors.
Ted Buckland: They went on strike and the players wouldn't cross the picket line.
J.D.: When the dispute turned violent, they called in Rodrigo Vasquez, the owner of the Baja Bandidos, to step in.
Dr. Kelso: Thanks to Señor Vasquez's experience dealing with the fruit-pickers' unions, he was able to broker a last-minute deal, and the season was salvaged.
Dr. Christopher Turk: And that's why we're watching football in the spring.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Whatever...

"Scrubs: My Case Study (#2.3)" (2002)
Mrs. Kellerman: Besides, can you two honestly say there's not one thing you'd change about yourself if you could?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I can honestly say that.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Me too.
Mrs. Kellerman: Then you're both liars.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: [entering room] Hey, Mrs. K. Let's get you into a fresh pair of blouse bunnies.

"Scrubs: My Bed Banter & Beyond (#1.15)" (2002)
Elliot: Are you following me?
Todd: No. You wanna go out some time?
Elliot: With you?
Todd: Me and a bottle of Jagermeister.
Elliot: No. No, Todd, I don't. But I don't want you to think it's because I just broke up with someone, or that I'm a lesbian, or because I want to preserve our friendship. It's because I find you so creepy, I think you should walk around with a bell around your neck.
Todd: All I heard was "lesbian."

"Scrubs: My Overkill (#2.1)" (2002)
Todd Quinlan: You look totally hot, Mirror Todd.

"Scrubs: My Nickname (#1.10)" (2001)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] Okay, the only way to avoid the high-five with Todd is not to say anything that he can connect to sex.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: How you doin'?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [makes a side-to-side "so-so" motion with his hand]
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Dude; that's totally how my car was rockin' when I took this girl out last night.
[makes the same gesture but adds a squeaking sound effect]
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Am I right?
[throws his hand up]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ahh, he earned it.
[holds his hand out]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: *whack*

"Scrubs: My Soul on Fire: Part 1 (#8.14)" (2009)
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Cardboard five!

"Scrubs: My ABC's (#8.5)" (2009)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Will you stop teasing my beard? Chicks dig the extra fuzz.
Grover: Tell me about it. And you've only got it in 2% of your body. Hey, what's up, everybody! Can I get a high four?
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Coming at ya!
Grover: Near...
[Todd high-fives Grover so hard he flies across the room and into a wall]
Grover: ... Far.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Grover five.

"Scrubs: My Best Friend's Wedding (#3.22)" (2004)
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Dude, that pickup line you gave me for all the Spanish chicks is not working.
Mark Espinosa: Maybe you're saying it wrong. Let's hear it.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Yo tengo herpes genital para ti
[clicks tongue]
Mark Espinosa: ...nope, that's right. Keep trying.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Mucho herpes! Grande! Oh yeah...

"Scrubs: My Lucky Night (#3.4)" (2003)
Dr. Christopher Turk: Scalpel.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Scalpel what?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Scalpel, please...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Here you go, baby. Sorry... Dr Baby
Dr. Wen: Shall we proceed, Dr Baby?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You know, papi, this guy looks a lot like your waxer.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: The Todd says, what now?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Nothing! She meant her waxer cos... We're... We're working, guys!
Dr. Wen: No no no, I wanna hear this.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's no big deal... I make Turk wax his chest so he doesn't give me a rash.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Oh, OK... does she also make you wax your vagina?
[loughs, then, to Dr Wen]
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Sterile high-five!

"Scrubs: My Faith in Humanity (#4.23)" (2005)
Dr. Christopher Turk: Couples therapy is killing me.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: I don't know how you do it - make love with your lady in front of some old dude who's filming you?
Dr. Christopher Turk: That's not couples therapy, Todd.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Then what did I do?
Dr. Christopher Turk: You did amateur porn!
Dr. Todd Quinlan: [smiling] Sweet!..

"Scrubs: My Hero (#1.23)" (2002)
Todd: [thought]
Todd: Dundadadundun shiny scalpel! Dundadadundun gonna slice him up!

"Scrubs: My Mirror Image (#6.1)" (2006)
Turk: Yo, Elliot... what's your ringtone?
Dr. Elliot Reid: "Jesus, Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: I'm carrying underwood right now. See, that's funny because it's true.
[holds up his hand for a five, but Elliot looks disgusted]
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Please?