Nurse Carla Espinosa
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Quotes for
Nurse Carla Espinosa (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)

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"Scrubs: My Female Trouble (#4.10)" (2004)
Harvey Corman: Hey, there's no pie here. Oh my god! You two are going to kill me!
Carla: Nobody's going to kill you.
Turk: Hi, I'm Dr. Nobody.

Turk: Baby, you know if my malpractice insurance goes through the roof, you're gonna have to take a step-down lifestyle wise.
Carla: I live in a tiny apartment with my husband, his best friend, and their dead stuffed dog. What's the step down?

Carla: Girls! I want an explanation.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Fine. Turk, tell her our code.
Turk: If you haven't had sex in six months, you're not accountable for who you sleep with.

Neena Broderick: Morning. I'll see you at the deposition. I'll try not to spank your lawyer as hard as I spanked him last night.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Bye! FYI, there was no spanking last night, okay?
Carla: Really? Then this won't hurt then.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Nope.
Turk: Hit him again baby.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why?

Carla: And you reminded him that people are basically good.
Dr. Perry Cox: People suck. They suck. And make no mistake about it, even sweet little old ladies are looking to bend you over a chair in court. Come on.
Dr. Perry Cox: We covered people.
Carla: And I know you wouldn't never do anything to ruin his innocence.
Dr. Perry Cox: You see, there's a compartment in the hat. So the stinkin' rabbit is actually in there the whole time, right?

Carla: Look, Turk. I know you feel like you did right by him, but you have to acknowledge that Mr. Corman here feels like you let him down.
Harvey Corman: You know what? I don't feel that way. I know you did the best job you could. But there's something you should know about me. People hate me. But in tennis, they're forced to interact. So for three hours, two Sundays a month, I have friends. You know what I mean?
Carla: So what you're saying is that even though you think my husband did a great job, you've decided to crush his spirit by putting a permanent black mark on his medical record over a tennis game?
Harvey Corman: I fear I've said too much.

Carla: Christopher Duncan Turk, you tell him how you really feel just like you told me last night or I will do it for you. Baby! Why does he hurt me so bad?

Carla: What is the matter with you two? JD, you said you were going to break up with Neena.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I know! Believe me, the whole time we were having sex I was thinking about Turk. That came out wrong.

Carla: Here's what's going to happen. You're going to drop this lawsuit because it's wrong and you know it. But also because if you don't, I'm going to pound the plaid right off of that shirt and make it so that the only way you'll be able to eat pie is through a straw!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Jordan's making me stretch out her new jeans.
Dr. Perry Cox: Cry me a river. Guess what Gandhi's wife is making me do because if supposedly "broke his spirit".
Harvey Corman: Ever since the operation, I've been serving lefty so it could be a little unpredictable.

Carla: JD, how could you do this to Turk? You two are so close that I occassionally have nightmares of running away together.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Where do we go?
Turk: One time we went to Aspen.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I hope it was summer. I'm not that big a skier.

"Scrubs: My Day at the Races (#5.3)" (2006)
Carla: JD, you have to get out, this place is tiny. And I'm sick of seing your manpanties hanging all over the bathroom.
J.D.: They're called boxers, Carla.

Carla: Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us, so get your crap up by Friday.
J.D.: Friday?
Carla: Friday!
J.D.: Friday's my birthday. I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.
Carla: Whose place?
J.D.: Your place. Look, I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I already got 2 e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.
Carla: Babmi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.

Turk: My appendectomy patient wants me to use hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
Dr. Cox: Look, and I'd like to throw in Gwen Stefani tonight instead of Jordan, but that ain't gonna happen either.
Carla: Dr Cox!
Turk: Dr Cox! No! Awful!

Dr. Cox: Jordan, here's the plan: I'm gonna go ahead and and cram an entire evening's worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one - I've worked with her before - she has no off button.
Carla: [to Elliot] If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?
Jordan: Who's Jake?
Dr. Cox: Jordan!... No!
Elliot: He's this guy that I've been going out with for a while, but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off, you know?
Jordan: [Pointing at Cox behind her hand] Uh, sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?
Dr. Cox: Jordan Godzilla Sullivan! You stop that, and you stop it now!
Jordan: Why don't you try talking to humans for once? You might enjoy it!
Carla: Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up? You know like Turk can be a little... immature - you know, like I always have to talk about my feelings over dinner or shut off his iPod during sex. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.
Dr. Cox: Or... maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on fifty pounds, start collecting knick-knacks and meet your future now. You know... before the loneliness burns too much?
[Hopping in his seat]
Dr. Cox: Wooooo-ohhhhh!
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I did enjoy that!

J.D.: That's it! I'll do the triathlon!
Carla: Oh, you don't know anything about triathlons!
J.D.: Well, I didn't know anything about cereal inventing, either, Carla. And yet if it wasn't for a certain harshly-worded cease and desist letter, we'd all be eating J.D.'s Bananas & Nuts.
Carla: You're not serious about this, are you?

Turk: What the hell was I thinking?
Carla: No, you did great, baby.
Dr. Kelso: She's right, Turkleton. Hell, without anesthesia, you made it halfway through a surgery. I bet you could publish that.
Dr. Cox: Maybe they'll put it in Almost Magazine.
Dr. Kelso: You know, Perry, it wouldn't hurt you to make some noise around here.
Dr. Cox: How's this? Blow it out your ass, Bob.

Carla: Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us so get your crap out by Friday.
J.D.: Friday? Friday's my birthday. I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.
Carla: Whose place?
J.D.: Your place. Look I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I've got two e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.
Carla: Bambi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.
J.D.: It's a Mexican themed fiesta on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. That means I'm turning thirty. Donde? 56 Walnut Drive. Cuando? Thank you for asking, ocho-thirty until upside down question mark. Sombreros at the door. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooh!
Turk: I'll be there.
J.D.: Gracias, amigo.
[to Carla]
J.D.: I borrowed one of your dictionaries.

"Scrubs: My Unicorn (#4.11)" (2004)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, wait! Elliot, you did your flirty manipulation thing in front of that guy in there and now he thinks you're this despicable floozy ho excuse for a doctor.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Life in a hospital is never boring.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What the hell are you guys doing?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Practicing our slow motion run.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Makes everything seem more dramatic.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're doctors. Doctors.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Go get her, Turk!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Waaaaaaiiiiit!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, he's slow.

Nurse Carla Espinosa: Okay, I put interview guy in the lounge and told him that Elliot was with a patient. Now, how are we gonna fix this thing?
The Janitor: You're okay. The guy wanted an orange soda, right? We bring him an orange soda, maybe the whole thing goes away.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Okay, here's the plan: Jordan and I will take care of interview guy. Soft-Scrub, you can do whatever the hell you want.
The Janitor: I will.

Dr. Christopher Turk: You created a monster. Elliot did a little tongue dance in Franklyn's ear just to get him to do her labs before mine.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: So she used her femininity! The only reason you usually get your lab work back so fast is because you always pick Franklyn to play basketball even though he always shoots his foul shots granny-style.

Dr. Elliot Reid: Franklyn, I was wondering if you could put a rush on Mr. Lowenstein's urinaylsis because I've got a really important interview for a fellowship next year.
Franklyn: No. We're done talking now.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, we can help.
Dr. Christopher Turk: No! No, you will not turn Elliot into some flirtatious manipulator. I mean, don't get me wrong, outside the hospital, Elliot with her hair up is a slammin' hottie, but in here she's an asexual mess. And that's the natural order of things and you don't mess with the natural order!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, don't listen to him. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Dr. Elliot Reid: I have been kicking ass lately, but this place is such a boys' club. I still can't even get x-rays or lab tests back on time.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Hey, Elliot, if you're desperate to get things done, you could always do what Jordan does.
Jordan Sullivan: Could you move my car out of the sun? If the seat gets too hot, my thighs get all pink and sweaty.
Jordan Sullivan: Yeah. Bye-bye, security guard.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Hmm. Very classy.

"Scrubs: My Half-Acre (#5.9)" (2006)
Carla: I don't understand, why wouldn't you kiss him?
Dr. Cox: [singing voice] Stay out of it, Carla!
Mrs. Wilk: Stay out of what?
Carla: Dr. Cox won't kiss his son.
Mrs. Wilk: What is wrong with you?
Dr. Cox: Ladies, I hate to disappoint but my quota for women who bug the living bejeezus out of me has been met for the next billion years.

Carla: I think he described all the extra effort he put in so you would tell him what an amazing doctor he is.
Mrs. Wilk: Now that you've told me it won't sound sincere.
Carla: He won't care.
Mrs. Wilk: Dr Cox, you're amazing.
Dr. Cox: It's just my job.

Patient: I'm a Jehovah's Witness, I can't get a transfusion. We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person
Dr. Cox: Well I'm a doctor and we believe that without surgery a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness.
Carla: Don't worry, he will figure out another way to treat you
Dr. Cox: [laughing as he walks off] Hehehe! No he won't!

Carla: So what's the deal, cranky pants?
Dr. Cox: I'm just sick and tired of having to living up to everybody's expectations. Lonnie needs a central line, you want me to help Mrs London and every patient in this dump looks at me for some miracle cure. I mean honestly Carla, with Jehovah as my witness, sometimes it is just too much.
Carla: Yeah, I'm not buying it. You've been putting up with this stuff around here for over 20 years.
Dr. Cox: Not just here; at home too. Jordan expects me to be this amazing sensitive father.
Carla: So that is what this is about? You shouldn't sweat the sensitive Dad stuff. You'll get there.
Dr. Cox: You don't know anything.

J.D.: How did you know I'd move to fast with Julie?
Dr. Cox: How do you know that I can be that kind of dad?
Turk: How did you that Kelso just wanted respect?
Elliot: Because I know you!
Carla: Because I know you!
Janitor: Because I know him!
Todd: [watches it on the security camera] This is so cool!

"Scrubs: My Jiggly Ball (#5.4)" (2006)
Dr. Christopher Turk: Elliot, nobody respects clinic doctors.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really, Turk? I think your hernia patient does.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Laughing] I'm not upset about that!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's obvious you are.
J.D.: It's more obvious to me, baby - I mean Turk.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, I know this place isn't the greatest, but it's not like I lie awake thinking about being yelled at by Dr. Cox or playing Jiggly Ball with the orderlies.

J.D.: Can you believe Elliot's working in a free clinic?
Dr. Perry Cox: Who?
J.D.: Dr. Reid?
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm sorry, that's just not ringing a bell.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: She and J.D. used to sleep together.
Dr. Perry Cox: J.D.?
J.D.: That's not even funny!
Dr. Perry Cox: Priscilla, I honestly, on my mother's grave, thought your real name was Carol.

Nurse Carla Espinosa: Guys, listen, we really need to help Elliot.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, she said she doesn't want to be helped.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: If J.D. were drowning and he told you he didn't want you to save him, wouldn't you do it?
Dr. Christopher Turk: That depends. What if there're hot chicks at the pool? Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Let's say there's no women.
Dr. Christopher Turk: There's always women at the pool, baby!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Fine. He's in a pond.
J.D.: Oh, I would never swim in a pond! They're infamous for serpents!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You could swim at the Y on Tuesdays - men only
J.D.: Have you been to the Y on man night? Not me.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: N - oka - fine! Turk's the one who's drowning!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh! So now a brother can't swim!
J.D.: Why do you have to go there?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh my God! I would rather play Jiggly Ball than try to explain this to you two idiots.
J.D.: [thinking] She's the idiot! We're doctors.

Dr. Elliot Reid: I told you guys to leave it alone.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, would you stop being so proud?
Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm proud? Carla! After the wedding, you wouldn't even take Turk's name!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I use it for official things!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Letting him call you Mrs. Turk in the bedroom isn't official.
Dr. Christopher Turk: But it is officially hot!
Dr. Elliot Reid: And Turk, you freaked out when the hernia patient listened to me over you. And J.D.! You just let the entire hospital pummel you with tennis balls because you were too proud to admit you didn't know what "Jiggly Ball" was.

J.D.: Guys, why?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: The Janitor told us that if we pretended to know about Jiggly Ball, we get to throw tennis balls at you.

"Scrubs: My Quarantine (#4.16)" (2005)
Carla: You know, on a first date, I could see what a guy was wearing and know exactly how far he was gonna get that night.
Elliot: Oh, me, too. And THAT guy's gettin' boobies!
[J.D. removes jacket, revealing his button up shirt to be short sleeved]
Elliot: Whooooa! THAT guy's gettin' a hug at the door!
[J.D. removes button up to reveal an Electric Boogie belly shirt]
Elliot: And THAT guy is getting a fake name and a phone number with six digits!
J.D.: I know how ridiculous this looks.
Carla: I don't think you do!

[Carla leads Turk into a patient's room]
Dr. Christopher Turk: I'm bored. I'm a surgeon and there's no surgery.
Carla: Why do you think I brought you in here? We're short-handed; Mr. Denson needs his bedsores redressed.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, that's nurse stuff; I don't have the expertise.
Carla: Turk, any idiot can be a nurse.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I know, I just think -
[Carla shoves Turk hard]
Carla: I knew you thought that - I knew it!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You tricked me...

Dr. Todd Quinlan: I went out with this girl; she was like the worst first date ever. I take her for a romantic ferry ride, and for some reason I decide to take it out -
Carla: Okay, your turn is done.

Carla: The worst first date that I ever had was with this guy who took me to this dump of a pizza parlor, right -
Dr. Christopher Turk: You know what? Really don't want to hear about this one, okay?
[Turk turns and nears Dr. Cox, who's talking to a separate group of people]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and she didn't like the pizza I ordered because it had anchovies on it. Can you believe that?
[Turk hurriedly turns back to Carla's story]
Carla: had *anchovies.*
[back to Cox]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and pineapples.
[back to Carla]
Carla: ...and pineapples.
[back to Cox]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and red peppers.
[back to Carla]
Carla: ...and green peppers.
[Turk relaxes]
Carla: Wait - red peppers.
Dr. Christopher Turk: No!

"Scrubs: Her Story II (#5.10)" (2006)
Carla: Hey Turk, guess what?
Turk: She's not a guy honey. And besides Young Carla is a compliment
Carla: Really? So how would you feel if I'd say hey it's skinny Turk

Dr. Cox: Weeeeell, look what we have here: it is a visual representation of how alcohol affects people of different ages. We have the young...
[indicates Julie]
Julie Quinn: [brightly] Morning!
Dr. Cox: [moving to Elliot] ... the slightly older...
Elliot: [clearly hungover] Please stop talking.
Dr. Cox: [moving to Carla] ... the slightly older still...
Carla: [mumbles incoherently]
Dr. Cox: [moving to Jordan, who is wearing dark sunglasses and not moving] ... and last, the very, very, VERY old. She is unconscious and virtually unwakeable. Witness.
[he grabs Jordan's shoulders and shakes her]
Dr. Cox: Jorda-roo! Jorda-licious! Jorda-roni!
[Jordan doesn't react]
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.
J.D.: Ha! I'll get you ladies some more coffee. Jordan, if you're willing to pay for it, just sit there frozen.
[no response]
J.D.: How very generous.
[he reaches into Jordan's purse and takes out her credit card]
Julie Quinn: That's so funny!
J.D.: [forcing a smile] Yeah...

Dr. Kelso: I have it on good authority that she's a dude.
Carla: I made that stuff up.
Dr. Kelso: In that case, it's time for her to meet Bob Kelso, licensed hetero!

Turk: J.D., this is an intervention. First off, I just want to say everyone here loves you, this is a safe space. But you're such a committ-a-phobe! Every time you date a girl with potential you wind up ruining it over some trivial reason. Let's think about some of the great girls you let slip through your fingers: Kylie, Jaime, Gift Shop Girl, Minnie McSkinny, Mole Butt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumplefugly... I'm forgetting someone...
Carla: [narrating] Oh, my God, Turk... if you forget Elliot she's gonna cry.
[out loud, while nodding towards Elliot who's starting to moan]
Carla: Turk, aren't you forgetting the greatest girl of them all?...
Turk: [snapping his fingers] Heidi Horse-Face!
Elliot: [almost crying] Me, Turk... she's talking about me, OK?
J.D.: Relax, Elliot... you're Mole Butt.
Elliot: [moved] Really? Sorry, Turk...
Carla: J.D., there's somebody else here who wants to say something...
Billy Dee Williams: Don't mess this up, man... be smooth.
Turk: Lando's right.
Billy Dee Williams: Billy Dee!
Turk: [mouthing] Lando...
Dr. Cox: Joanna, now I'm not much for this sensitive crap... but, darn it all, you've found someone who's willing to let you annoy them instead of me.
Elliot: Don't screw this up, J.D., or you'll just gonna end up where you always do: lying on that couch in a fetal position wishing you hadn't driven another one away.
Dr. Cox: If Jordan were conscious, she'd... she'd agree
[Jordan sits unconscious on the couch; she has a fake arrow through her head]
Dr. Cox: Oh, now, who put that fake arrow through her head? Eh? Which one of you?... It was me... I did it...

"Scrubs: My New God (#5.5)" (2006)
J.D.: When is this joyous occasion?
Dr. Cox: You're not invited.
J.D.: Oh I see, family only everyone. That's how they're doing it.
Carla: I'm going.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, give me a break of course you're going! For the matter of fact, I'd like you to be the boy's godfather.
J.D.: [whispering] I... am... honored!
Dr. Cox: [whispering] I... am lying.

Turk: Honey, I need to feel the heat! I need at least thirty minutes of foreplay - then, and only then, can I be fully ready... to make love to you.
Carla: Tyra Banks.
Turk: [Hips thrusting] Uhhn.
Carla: There. You're ready.

Carla: I paged you an hour ago!
Turk: I was in surgery.
Carla: Is that doughnut glaze on your cheek?
Turk: Guess we're not having sex, huh?
Carla: Oh, ho, ho, no. We're having sex. Get in there.
Turk: Wait, baby... I'm too full.

Turk: I just don't understand why we can't have fun while making a baby.
Carla: I am just so glad you have to hurt my feelings to have fun.
Turk: I can't believe you! Wha - Calm down!
Carla: Great, that's really nice for you. "Calm down"? I'm gonna kill you!
Turk: [to God] You hear that? She's gonna kill me! Get her.
Elliot: Okay, look, you two stop fighting or I will turn this church around.

"Scrubs: My Malpractical Decision (#4.9)" (2004)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Hey, Night School! Mr. Corman followed us home last night!
Dr. Christopher Turk: How'd you get my cell phone number?
The Janitor: Ehh, once you've got somebody's driver's license and a urine sample, you can get just about anything. How do you fail 8th grade gym?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You better stop messing with my husband.
The Janitor: You better tell him to stop messing with my walls.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You did this?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, you know you're my world.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I'm out.
The Janitor: I flunked gym too. Didn't like the shorts.

Dr. Elliot Reid: Kelso wants me to keep hiding Doug until that attorney leaves? Isn't that ridiculous?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, the man tried to electrocute me an hour ago. All I care about is whether or not this twitch goes away. You should take Doug down to the morgue. The worst he could do there is bring somebody back to life!

Dr. Bob Kelso: Shake this place up. And for God's sakes, get Murphy out of here!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Don't worry, Doug, you're a good doctor.
Doug Murphy: I know!

Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla, when I became chief resident, I wrote a pledge to myself and do you know what it said?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Mm-mm?
Dr. Elliot Reid: It said, "Dance like nobody is watching," which I do constantly with the shades closed just in case somebody's watching. But it also said not to hide problems away.

"Scrubs: My New Game (#4.3)" (2004)
Carla: Miss Myers is ready to have her bandages removed now.
Dr. Cox: Who do you mean, dashboard-face?
Carla: Yeah, I think she prefers "Miss Myers."
Dr. Cox: Well then she probably shouldn't be checking her e-mail while she's driving ninety miles an hour.

Dr. Cox: You know what? I've got a son, I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. Sooo, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life?
Dr. Clock: So what's his wife like?
Carla: So scary!

J.D.: So! How you guys gonna celebrate your divorce?
Turk: By not inviting you!
J.D.: Oh my God! Dude! I doubted you for a second, why are you so mad?
Turk: Maybe I needed you to believe in me!
Carla: I believe in you, baby.
Turk: Yeah, but we're married - that doesn't count.

"Scrubs: My Way Home (#5.7)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: So if I understand correctly, you left my only child with a creepy borderline psychotic who hates everyone?
Carla: How is that different from leaving him with you?

Dr. Cox: Trust me Carla, when you do have your own kid, you're gonna find you had the courage to be a parent all along.
Carla: Thank you.

Carla: Dr. Cox, why aren't you freaking out? Look at him, your kid's all green and slimy!
Dr. Cox: I suppose it's because, when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and... slimy.

"Scrubs: My Missed Perception (#5.6)" (2006)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: This picture is happening.
The Janitor: No it's not.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh what do you know, mop-jock?

Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why would you ruin this for me? I mean, I didn't even ask you to be there.
The Janitor: Imagine that: I've been working here for 14 years and I guess I don't rate as part of the family.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [surprised] Did you wanna be in the picture?
The Janitor: No... it's just... who... it's I... I gotta go.

Dr. Christopher Turk: Where's the donut truck? I was paged there was a donut track out here!
Dr. Elliot Reid: I got paged there was a handbag sample sale!
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Where's the booby-touching booth?
J.D.: It's weird. It's like everyone was lured out here by the thing they want most in the world.
Dr. Perry Cox: [arriving running, watching J.D] Hey! You're not getting your ass kicked!
Dr. Kelso: Hold the phone... look! Bleachers! Ladder! Bucket of combs! She's trying to take the picture! Scatter!
[everybody runs away]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [standing on the top of a ladder] Nobody move! Laverne, door!
Nurse Laverne Roberts: [standing on the threshold of the hospital's entrance, holding a broom] Nobody's getting past here, baby!

"Scrubs: His Story III (#5.19)" (2006)
Janitor: But I didn't even see the demon leave the body.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I'm sure it did.

Nurse Carla Espinosa: Wow... aren't you the big bad ass attending?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah, well, it's time for them to sink or swim. I got to where I am on my own, OK?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Nobody helped you out in the beginning, huh?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox was my attending. He was nice enough to keep track of the times he made me cry.
Dr. Cox: [passing by, counting and moving his fingers] 27, counting this morning.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Mh... yeah. I'm PMSing and he made fun of my shoes.

Nurse Carla Espinosa: Keith... you better not tell her who did it.
Keith: But Elliot scares me...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot is a blonde 108-pound ski pole form a cul de sac in Connecticut; I am an underpaid pregnant nurse from the block, who, over the next six months, will become fattier and angrier. Now... who are you really afraid of?
Keith: The fatty...?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Be careful, Keith...

"Scrubs: My Extra Mile (#5.15)" (2006)
Janitor: [Carla and the Janitor are looking for a missing patient] Well, the good news is his head isn't in the storage room. Because I once found a head in the storage room. It's a funny story actually - I put it in my locker cause I didn't have time to get to the lost and found. Went on a long weekend, forgot all about it. Come back to work on Monday, open my locker - WHA! Head! Plus, rats! I panicked, I didn't know what the hell to do, SO, I grabbed the thing and I ran up to the roof and I punt it... and I shank wide left like I always do. Now - it's heading straight down right for Kelso, sitting in his convertible. I'm done, out of a job right? Wrong! At that second a hawk flies in, grabs the thing, and flies off with it. And I know what you're thinking - we're in the middle of a city, what's a hawk doing there?
Carla: I can't believe you get a locker and I don't.

Dr. Munson: Ok ok, so you're both fertile yet you're still unable to conceive, so. How often to you make love?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Twice today...
Carla: Actually it was three times.
[looks at Turk]
Carla: You were asleep for the last one.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh wow, that really happened? I thought it was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams.
Carla: He is not allowed to dream about me. It gets too freaky in there.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Cirque de Soleil freaky. One time, she was skinless.
Dr. Munson: Ok, stress is often a factor in conception. So tell me, do you think stress might be an issue?
Carla: I swear. If you don't knock me up tonight... no more sex until you steal me a baby. So do it right this time.
[back to presence]
Dr. Christopher Turk: A little stress
[Carla gestures a "tiny bit" with her fingers]

Carla: How was your first stress-free day?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Horrible. And you?
Carla: Worse. Let's make a baby. If it doesn't work this time I'll kill myself.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [looking extremely shocked] Not helping with the stress.

"Scrubs: My Office (#4.2)" (2004)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: So, what are you guys gonna do now that your residencies are over?
Doug Murphy: Oh, I'm still a resident! Yeah, Dr. Kelso said I'm the first medical resident to repeat his third year in the entire history of the hospital!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's a bad thing, Doug,
Doug Murphy: Oh, I'm staying positive.

Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Cox is naming ass-face, here, at 3. It's too late.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Well maybe it's not too late.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah it is, Carla.
Dr. Molly Clock: Maybe it's not.
Dr. Elliot Reid: You know what, you're right, Molly. Maybe it isn't!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What the hell?
Dr. Christopher Turk: They're all against you!

Nurse Carla Espinosa: I've told Elliot a million times that she would be a good chief resident, but she just ignored me.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Maybe she's racist.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's fine, it's fine. It's not like all my friends are gonna go to Molly for advice.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Mmm-hmm.
Dr. Molly Clock: Nurse Roberts, if you still wanna talk about that situation with your husband, we can go to my office now.

"Scrubs: My Lunch (#5.20)" (2006)
Carla: Hey J.D. If you go out, would you get me a hot italian sausage?
Todd: I've got a hot Italian sausage for you right here.

Todd: [Talking to Elliot and Carla after lying that he was gay] You know, I really gotta thank you gals for outing me. Chicks dig gay dudes.
Elliot: Oh, my God, I cannot believe I let you into that dressing room while I was trying on bras.
Carla: [turns to Elliot] Eewww!
Todd: That was a very special time for me.
Carla: Unbelieveable.
Elliot: [as they walk away] He saw the girls.
Todd: [Carla and Elliot are now down the hall] It's ok if you girls wanna walk away, cause I'd love to see you go. Nothing wrong with that.
[walks down the hall, looks to an intern]
Todd: Nothing wrong with that either.
[looks to a nurse]
Todd: Or that.
Todd: [Janitor and The Todd meet]
Janitor: What the hell are you?
Todd: I'm the Todd
[Todd walks off]
Janitor: [makes a disgusted face]

Dr. Cox: All right, people, gather round. Here we go. Now, I'm sure we all recognize just how rare it is to get a win like this; but since we are surrounded by patients who are clinging to life, I'm going to give kudos in whisper form.
Dr. Cox: And since I'm an egomaniac, first props come to me; let me hear it, people.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [whispering] You are some kind of super hero.
Carla: [whispering] You're a god.
Elliot: [whispering] You're a beautiful healer.
Dr. Cox: [still whispering] This was not a complete and total solo effort; it was an extraordinary job done by each and every one of you.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I can't hear a word he's saying!
Dr. Cox: Be older, Bob.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Well, just because I can't hear your silly-ass whispering doesn't mean I'm old! Matter of fact, I'm going to my office and tinker with my new computer.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Uh, what kind is it?
Dr. Bob Kelso: It's about 3.30... Ah ah ah, I heard what he said, people; but damn, that joke's a classic.

"Scrubs: My Cake (#4.6)" (2004)
Carla: Welcome to Turk's head. You look hot!
Dr. Clock: Wait a minute... you're not a lesbian.
Carla: I am in here.
Dr. Clock: Yeah... me too!
[they lean in to kiss]
J.D.: [waking up] Dammit! Molly, you're a shrink: why is it my daydreams always end right before the sexy part?
Dr. Clock: I don't know, maybe we should work on that... together.
[leans in to kiss him]
J.D.: [waking up] Dammit!
Turk: Dude! Relax!... and enjoy hot chocolate loooove.
[leans in to kiss him]
J.D.: Snap out of it! Abort! ABORT!
Turk: Okay, we should go!
Carla: Yeah!

Carla: Baby, what do you want for lunch today?
Turk: Baby, please, not in front of her.
Dr. Clock: Turk, why are you not comfortable around me?
Turk: You have the ability to get in people's heads. And I don't want you to take this negatively or anything like that, but that makes you a Devil Woman.
Dr. Clock: Please, I mean, who could imagine what it's like in your head?

Carla: You're not allowed to get sick, you're my "Superman." I mean, if you're in bed, who's going to give me my back rubs, or unscrew the peanut butter jar, or... walk around all day in my new high heels just to stretch them out.
Turk: [quickly, to Molly] She's kidding! I've never done that.
[quietly, to Carla]
Turk: Not in front of the Devil Woman.

"Scrubs: Her Story (#4.5)" (2004)
J.D.: Half of what rappers say doesn't make any sense. Like that Snoop Dogg Dr.Dre song? What is "still hittin' them corners and those ho-hos girl" mean?
Turk: Many diadvantaged African-Americans have limited nutritional choices, therefore they must subsist of Ho-Ho snack cakes. It's a black thing, bra.
Dr. Clock: Actually, Turk, it's "still hittin' them corners and those low-lows girl". It's low-lows, not ho-hos.
Elliot: See, Turk, in the hood, a low-low is a low rider, or a car with an adjusted suspension which allows it to bounce up and down.
[Elliot and Molly both inmitate bouncing]
J.D.: [laughs] Ha-ha-ha.
Elliot: And Dre and Snoop like driving around together in their low riders around the corners, or lizzle-rizzles.
[starts rapping]
Elliot: I'm representin' for them gangsters all across the world!
Dr. Clock: Still hittin' them corners and them low-lows girls!
Elliot, Dr. Clock: I'm takin' my time to perfect the beat, and I still got love for da street!
Carla: Turk, you just got schooled on rap by the two whitest chicks in America!
Turk: None of you can prove it.
J.D.: I got it on tape.
Elliot, Dr. Clock: Whicka, whicka, whicka.
[imitating scratching discs]

Carla: Turk! It's bedtime.
Turk: Baby, when you said we'd go to sleep at the same time, I thought you meant you'd stay up until I went to sleep.
Carla: [snickering] Turk. That's crazy talk!
Turk: The guys are here and it's the ninth inning!

Carla: Mm? Wha? Wha? Oooh. It's morning already?
Turk: No. But I could see how you'd think that, being that it's light out and we're in bed. Baby, since we got married, I've done every little thing you've asked me to do. But I will not have my woman tell me when I need to go to bed! Okay!
Carla: Okay.
Turk: Really, that quick?
Carla: I love it when you're all "my woman this, my woman that."

"Scrubs: My Old Friend's New Friend (#4.1)" (2004)
Carla: Dr Cox, can i borrow you for a minute?
Dr. Cox: Borrow me? Dearheart you are rescuing me. Newbie you're on your own- get used to it

Carla: That's what I think of your scooters! No more bugs in my teeth! No more helmet head! No more making deals with God every time a truck passes me on the freeway, okay? It's over! That's it!
[she storms off]
Turk: What the hell just happened?
Dr. Kelso: You got married, Turkleton.

Dr. Clock: Hey! Do you guys mind if I eat with you? 'Cause I don't wanna sit alone and sing to my food like a crazy person
Elliot: Oh, my gosh! I do that!
Dr. Clock: No way!
Elliot: Mostly pop songs. You know, unless I'm eating soul food.
Carla: Where's your food?
Dr. Clock: Oh, shoot.
[she hops up again]
Carla: Look, Elliot, we'll do something later this week, just the two of us.
Elliot: Okay
Dr. Clock: [returns with a tray] Oh, that is not my food. But I'm not getting up again.
Elliot: Oh, I wouldn't.

"Scrubs: My Intern's Eyes (#5.1)" (2006)
Carla: Here you go, Baby.
[gives Turk a sandwich]
Carla: I know you love foreplay but I only have 5 minutes so I gave you a sandwich.
Turk: [looking at the sandwich] It's the sexiest thing I've ever seen.
Carla: Over here Turk...

Turk: By the way, Elliot what are you doing here?
Carla: Oh she hasn't talked to anyone at her new hospital
Elliot: How did this conversation become about me?

Carla: I just want a baby so badly...
Turk: Why? What's it gonna be like having a baby?
Carla: Dr. Cox said it's like having a dog that slowly learns how to talk.
Turk: Awesome!

"Scrubs: My Cold Shower (#6.19)" (2007)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm not upset about Elliot.
Dr. Christopher Turk: You both have had a history together.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You two have had more ups and downs than Ross and Rachel on Friends.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm nothing like Ross.
Dr. Perry Cox: Of course not. You're Rachel, she's Ross.

Jordan Sullivan: Hey! So, I convinced the bartender to give us all the booze at your party for half price.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [whispering] Yes!
Jordan Sullivan: Little hitch: you're gonna have to show some boob. Apparently mine did not get us all the way there. He has a soft touch, though.
Dr. Perry Cox: Lovely...
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, and Per... you were wrong: someone is dumb enough to love me.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Where's your head right now?
[Cox's fantasy starts: Cox preparing canapés, he hands one to Elliot]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Perry, no! It goes cracker-apple-cheese, not cracker-cheese-apple! I know that we've only been married two days, Perry, but you should know this!
[Cox smiles while wrath grows inside him; in the next scene we see part of Elliot's corpse and a policeman handcuffing him]
Policeman: You're gonna fry for this, buddy.
[Cox smiles. End of fantasy]
Dr. Perry Cox: Worth it.
[smiles nastily and walks away]

Dr. Elliot Reid: Mrs Sheldon is the sweetest old lady, but I can't figure out what is wrong with her. She's got the most random symptoms: myalgia, alopecia, a rash.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: That is so weird... my patient, Mr Bilbray, has the same exact symptoms.
Jamie: Actually, he's my patient.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Jamie, you're a baby intern; yesterday you asked me how to turn on your stethoscope. Now, go stand over there!

"Scrubs: My Faith in Humanity (#4.23)" (2005)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [about Dr. Perry Cox, in his presence] Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
Dr. Elliot Reid: He doesn't have one.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Exactly! But what does he have?
Dr. Elliot Reid: A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Dr. Perry Cox: Ohh! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego! I have a giant ego!

Dr. Elliot Reid: Hey, Jake... so, you're probably rushing home to wipe the old person smell off before your trip, uh?
Jake: Excuse me?
Dr. Elliot Reid: [scoffs] No, I'm just kidding, I love old people. Still, there's no denying they have a distinctive smell. I mean, it's nothing bad. It's like a... general mustiness... like... you know when... you get your cast... taken off and... skin mold...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh...
Jake: Well, I have a flight to catch... you guys need me to sign anything?
Dr. Perry Cox: No.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, you're good.
Jake: OK, then.
[walks away]
Dr. Perry Cox: Hats off there, Barbie... that was one potent combination of verbal diarrhea and stunned silence...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You should have just asked him out. Men love that.
Dr. Perry Cox: No, Carla, men don't love that. It turns out we don't love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums, or when you drive so we can relax; and, as always, we're not that big on Hugh Jackman. Look there... the only thing men care about as far as dating is concerned is the chase; if you want that guy to look your way, listen me carefully... ignore the living hell out of him.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's the worst advice I've ever heard!
Dr. Perry Cox: Good point, Carla. Say, you don't happen to have any other gems before you run off to couples therapy to sift through the wreckage that is the first year of your marriage, do ya?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Dr Cox, I'm sure that you are fantastic at picking up men, really...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ah ah!
Dr. Elliot Reid: ...but I can handle this one on my own. Thank you.

Elliot: Dr. Cox, this is the most painful thing I've ever done and I was a cutter for a week in high school. My shop teacher thought scars were sexy, but that's a whole other story. The point is, your advice really worked with Jake and I'd really appreciate it if you would give me some more help.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no problem Barbie, let me just finish writing this prescription and you'll be all squared away.
[hands Elliot the prescription]
Elliot: This is a prescription for 'no'.
Dr. Cox: Correctomundo. To be taken with food every Saturday night while you're eating alone.
Elliot: I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here. I am dangerously close to giving up men all together!
Dr. Cox: Then on behalf of men everywhere-and I do mean everywhere
[makes a circle with his hands]
Dr. Cox: -including the ones in the little mud huts, let me be the first to say thanks and yalleluah!
Carla: Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to it's human side?
Elliot: He doesn't have one.
Carla: Exactly. But what does he have?
Elliot: [grudgingly] A shaped chest, a closet full of tiny t-shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Dr. Cox: Ohhhhhh! I'm sorry, the correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego.
Dr. Cox: I have a giant ego!
Elliot: Dammit! I knew that.
Carla: Can you just appeal to it so I can go get something to eat?
Elliot: You're... amazing.
Dr. Cox: And I'm in!
Elliot: [makes a happy noise]

"Scrubs: My Own American Girl (#3.1)" (2003)
Dr. Moyer: You called me in from home to do an abdomile CAT scan that could wait until Monday morning? Well guess what? It's not happening.
J.D.: Look, Dr. Moyer...
Dr. Moyer: [throwing a tantrum] These are my machines!
Carla: Sir...
Dr. Moyer: [ANGRY] My machines!
Chris Turk: Who's machines?
Dr. Moyer: They're my machines!
J.D.: [to Turk] How is that helpful?
Dr. Moyer: [throwing his arms up & down] They're mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! My machine! My machine!
[again and again until scene ends]

Dr. Elliot Reid: You know what I realized when I was dragging my car door around- I cannot remember the last good thing that happened to me at this place. I mean, what is it about me that makes everybody walk all over me?
Carla: No self-confidence.
Chris Turk: You can be a baby sometimes.
J.D.: Your voice gets really high when you're upset.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [in a high voice] Rhetorical question, ok?

"Scrubs: My Way or the Highway (#1.20)" (2002)
Carla: Elliot, you know how they say, "No one will ever love you until you learn to love yourself?"
Elliot: My mother used to say, "No one will ever love you."

Elliot: [about a patient] This might sound weird, but I'm in love with that guy. And if I don't sleep with him, I'm gonna kill myself! It's inappropriate to jump a patient, isn't it?
Carla: Totally.
Elliot: Have you ever done it?
Carla: Tons of times.
[Turk comes up to them]
Turk: Tons of times what, baby?
Carla: [smiling] Nothing, baby.

"Scrubs: My Tormented Mentor (#3.15)" (2004)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [extremely frustrated] NOOOOOOOOO, Todd, the term "melons" is just as offensive as "sweater meat"!
Todd Quinlan: Well, then I am thoroughly confused.

Nurse Carla Espinosa: Dr. Kelso, the sexual harassment around here has gotten out of control. The other day someone asked Laverne if her boobs were made for walking, it's rude, and it makes no sense.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Paris and Nikki were not amused.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You named your breasts after the Hilton sisters?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Other way around, sugar.
Ted Buckland: Ladies, this hospital's policy on sexual harassment is well-established, plus -
Dr. Bob Kelso: [cuts Ted off] I'll handle this. I think what Garfunkel here is trying to say is that you should all take a second, think seriously about what is really bothering you and then have a big, group unbunching of your panties.

"Scrubs: My Big Bird (#5.8)" (2006)
Ted: Hey, Carla, did you hear that the lottery is up to a hundred million dollars? I tell you, if I can win that baby, it's separate beds for me and my mom!
Carla: Yeah, and then you can use the other $99,999,000 for therapy!

Keith: Nurse Espinosa, Mr Foster's cough is getting worse and Dr Dorian's gone. Dr Reid's covering, but she's sort of indisposed.
Carla: Kid, I'm about to become a millionaire. Call Dr. Turk, he's the surgeon on call.

"Scrubs: My House (#6.4)" (2007)
Dr. Bob Kelso: I wanted to give you your paycheck in person so you can hand it back to me to pay your bill.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Why don't you just hold onto that, sir?
Dr. Bob Kelso: That's not how it works. Now, I'm going to hand it to you and I want you to look at it, sigh, and give it back to me.
[Turk holds the paycheck, sighs, and gives it back to Kelso]
Dr. Bob Kelso: Splendid! Nurse Espinosa, mi hospital es su hospital.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No problemo, chief-o...

Dr. Perry Cox: OK, we have a 41-year-old male who is as orange as an NBA game ball. Who can tell me why?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I got an idea.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, I got an idea too. If you want to work, let's stop paying for the room, so you can go home; then you can come back and get paid to work.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Turk, I just need a break from the baby. Mr Mehleison might be a vegetarian; he's always eating carrots.
Dr. Perry Cox: But carotene, like jaundice, turns you yellow, just like certain blood disorders turn you blue and tomatoes can turn you red. Sadly, there isn't anything on God's green Earth that turns you orange.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Maybe he got freaky with some Cheetos.
Dr. Perry Cox: Swing and a miss, Webster. Next.
Keith: Maybe he used some fake tan cream. I used it once... turned me orange all over...
Dr. Perry Cox: There were no foreign substances found on his skin, but kudos, Keith, on finally outing yourself.

"Scrubs: My Fishbowl (#6.12)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: [Carla tells bad joke] You would hear crickets chirping, but they were too uncomfortable at just how unfunny that actually was.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: So what, I'm not funny?
Dr. Perry Cox: Why I think you're very funny... WHEN you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse. You know, as long as you stay right in you wheel house.
[Dr. Cox begins walking through the room]
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck; your husband does it when he's sarcastic.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ya know, I do what I do when I do what I do.
Dr. Perry Cox: The Janitor is amusing because quite frankly he's insane
The Janitor: [walks by with tiny boots that look like they are for a baby on his hands] I made shoes for my bunny.
Dr. Perry Cox: [walks over the J.D] And Alice here, well she can turn a phrase. and I'm assuming because I called you Alice you're thinking of me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
[Dr. Cox appears as Alice from the Brady Bunch then looks at J.D]
Dr. Perry Cox: Aren't ya?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: He was.
Dr. Perry Cox: Now some people just have funny names, for instance, Dr. Beardface, Dr. McHead, Colonel Doctor, and of course Snoop Dogg intern.
Snoop Dogg Intern: [grabs his white coat] Hey, Hey.
Dr. Perry Cox: My bad, Snoop Dogg resident. The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God, which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the Hospital Sad sack.
Ted Buckland: I am?
Dr. Perry Cox: Yes Ted.
Ted Buckland: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Dr. Perry Cox: And me I'm just funny because I commit C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T...
[makes the notion of sipping tea]
Dr. Perry Cox: -TEA. And I also do silly rants. But there is just one man who is funny, no matter what he says.
Dr. Bob Kelso: [Kelso enters] Are my undergarments made of wool because my WEASLES getting heat stroke?
Dr. Perry Cox: The point is please don't tell anymore jokes.
Ted Buckland: I'm not a sadsack am I?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ted, your pen exploded!
Ted Buckland: [looks at his shirt with a large blue stain on it] Awwwwww
[looks at is blue hand on his head]
Ted Buckland: AWWWWWWWWW!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] After Elliot told us that she had attempted suicide, I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind.
[out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Was it because I broke up with you?
Dr. Elliot Reid: No, J.D.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, good, good, good, good.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm not even sure why I did it. I guess things just catch up with you, you know... you get lonely, you're not happy with what's happening in your life and...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: amazing guy breaks up with you...
Dr. Elliot Reid: J.D., this is not about you! I was 16!
Private Brian Dancer: So, how'd you try it?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Brian!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Please, you're dying to know...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, I am not! When Elliot...
Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla... it's fine. I was all into poetry back then, you know... Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf... I know, shocker. Well, they both killed themselves. Plath stuck her head in the oven, but that was not an option for me because every time my head gets hot I need to pee, and I was not about to be found lying in a puddle of my own urine. Not again... not after the prom fiasco...
Dr. Perry Cox: If you're still not sure why you tried to off yourself, I'm starting to get a pretty clear picture over here...
Dr. Elliot Reid: So, I decided to do it like Virginia Woolf: I walked into a lake and tried to drown myself. Got up early on a Saturday, put on my bikini...
Private Brian Dancer: Whoa... why would you wear a bikini?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, my one-piece was in the back of Coach Pongetti's car. That story informs this one, but I'm not going to tell it... Anyhow, I swam out to the middle of the lake and I couldn't bring myself to go under, so I just started, you know, floating around, waiting to get tired and then... Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! I got hit in the head by four oars as our school's rowing team passed by and then they just picked me out of the lake and took me home.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [realizing Turk's gonna fart] Oh no... Turk, I know that look... don't you dare toot while Elliot is baring her soul.
Dr. Christopher Turk: But baby, the pressure's building. No one on Earth is this uncomfortable.

"Scrubs: My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby (#6.2)" (2006)
Turk: Is he coming? Is he coming?
Elliot: Turk, she's barely in labor.
[Pointing at Carla]
Carla: He's not talking about the baby.
[J.D. enters]
Turk: He's here, and now we can have our baby!

Carla: [J.D. enters] Isabella, this is the man you will be competing with for your father's love.

"Scrubs: My Big Mouth (#2.4)" (2002)
J.D.: Look, every time you've screwed up with me, I've totally let you off the hook.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: When have I ever screwed up with you.
J.D.: [pauses and thinks] OK, never, but we both know that if I ever did, I would give you a break. Now let's see how you like it when I walk away from you
[Exits right]
J.D.: [Walks back on screen] Actually, I need to go this way.
[Exits left]
J.D.: [Walks back on screen] Right the first time
[Exits right]

Dr. Bob Kelso: [approaching to the Nurse Station] So, how are my girls today? Fantastic! Listen...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Dr Kelso, if you're here to do one of your "How are my girls, today, now let me tell you some things you don't want to hear" routines, I should warn you: I'm in a mood. So it's probably in your best interest to make up some lame excuse, turn around and leave.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Young lady, I will not be spoken to like that! Luckily for you, I have to go see Miss Fitzstrafoleradonofofadopolis
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Attaboy...

"Scrubs: My Rite of Passage (#5.2)" (2006)
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Hey, how come Elliot never invites us over to her hospital?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: She probably doesn't want you guys embarrassing her.
Dr. Christopher Turk: How would we embarrass her?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, maybe by diagnosing all your female patient with Turk-Fever.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Honey, a lot of women suffer from that.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: It's true, I even had it.

Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Carla, I didn't want you to come here because... well... Look, there's so much great about you - you're smart, you're loyal, you've absolutely shattered all of my preconceived notions about chicanos!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot? Bring it.
Dr. Elliot Reid: You're a bit of a gossip.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: So? I'm interested in people's stories!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Thanks to you, for the rest of my career I have the world's worst nickname!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Bankfarter's not so bad. It sounds German!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, verdammt noch mal. Nimm meine Leute nicht auf den Arm, Carla!

"Scrubs: My Rule of Thumb (#3.10)" (2004)
Maggie Himsel: Don't people sometimes pay for sex?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, boy, do they. I slept with Jenny Johnson's older brother in high school, and then he decided to tell all of his friends what my orgasm face looked like.
[demonstrates strange grim]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Then three of them posed like that for their yearbook photos! Paid for that one for years.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, I think she means pay money for sex.

[Elliot and Carla treat Maggie, a patient who wants to loose her virginity before dying]
Maggie: Don't people sometimes pay for sex?
Elliot: Oh, boy, do they. I slept with Jenny Johnson's older brother in high school, and then he decided to tell all of his friends what my orgasm face looked like. Then three of them posed like that for their yearbook photos! Paid for that one for years.
Carla: Elliot, I think she means pay _money_ for sex.
Elliot: Oh, I got a story about that, too. Not about me, though, my mom... She gets lonely.

"Scrubs: My Lucky Day (#2.9)" (2002)
Turk: Carla has something she'd like to tell you. Carla.
Carla: I didn't mean to upset you even though everything I said was true and you know it.
Turk: Baby, that is a God-awful apology.

[about Dr. Cox and Jordan]
Carla: Why does he keep going back to her?
Turk: I don't know. Why do people keep marrying Larry King? The man looks like a frog.

"Scrubs: My Lucky Charm (#4.14)" (2005)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla, I'm so bummed. I can't go see the Chamber Orchestra tonight, I totally forgot I have my Cantonese class. And I would totally call and cancel but the only thing I know how to say is "I'm allergic to peanuts."
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, Elliot, I was really looking forward to this.
The Janitor: Really? About five seconds ago you were all giddy about going home and taking a bath tonight.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why would you do that to me?
The Janitor: New thing. I'm busting chops.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [laughs defensively]
Dr. Elliot Reid: So, you just forgot we even had plans?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What's the big deal? You were flaking on them anyway.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I wasn't. I have my Cantonese class.
The Janitor: But do you? Do you really?
[Elliot makes a "What are you doing" face - Janitor shrugs]
The Janitor: Busting chops.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Fine! Well at least I remembered the plans well enough to flake on them!
[storms off down a corridor]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [shouting after her] Oh yeah? Well if I knew you were gonna flake on them, I would never have made plans to forget in the first place, because you...
Dr. Perry Cox: [has just walked in from the corridor Elliot left down] She's gone, Carla. It's over.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Where the hell have you been for the last few days?
Dr. Perry Cox: Deep sea fishing.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You hate fishing.
Dr. Perry Cox: Went with my buddies.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You don't have any buddies.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh yeah? Well we landed a 200 pound white marlin off the coast of San Diego.
The Janitor: Interesting, because that's about 3,000 miles from the natural habitat of the white marlin. Hmm, well perhaps it hopped a train from Cape Cod!
Dr. Perry Cox: Why?
The Janitor: I'm busting chops today. You can ask anybody.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's true.
The Janitor: See?

Turk: Heard you guys were fighting.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: We made up.
The Janitor: No they didn't. Chop-busting.
[dusts Turk's shoulder with a feather duster]
The Janitor: And Doc-dusting.
Turk: Well Elliot, you don't look too banged up about it. You got your arm around Carla.
Dr. Elliot Reid: My hand is stuck in this rats nest she calls hair.

"Scrubs: My Lips Are Sealed (#4.21)" (2005)
Carla: J.D you're drunk!
J.D.: Carla, I'm not as think as you drunk I am...

Carla: Night, night.
J.D.: Night, night...
Carla: Buenas noches
J.D.: Buenas... nose things...

"Scrubs: My Lucky Night (#3.4)" (2003)
Dr. Elliot Reid: [to herself] What's wrong with me? Here I am, trying not to let fear rule my life anymore, and then... Sean moves away and i don't even have the guts to tell him how I feel...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to himself] ... how I feel. I mean, life's too short not to go for it with Elliot. Plus, now Sean's out of the picture. Stop being such a chicken!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [to himself] Stop being suck a chicken! I know it's a complicated procedure, but I can do it without Carla, there. What am I so scared of?
Dr. Perry Cox: [to himself] What am I so scared of? That I might actually get this job and have no one to blame it on if I fail? Good Lord, I'm pathetic... When was the last time...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [to herself] When was the last time he ever apologized for anything? I wanna help him, I do... but in a lot of ways I guess I'm as stubborn as he is. I wish I could make sense out of this...
The Janitor: [to himself] I wish I could make sense out of this. 30 cents, to be exact... damn riddle! Easy, Janitor... you'll get this.

Dr. Christopher Turk: Scalpel.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Scalpel what?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Scalpel, please...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Here you go, baby. Sorry... Dr Baby
Dr. Wen: Shall we proceed, Dr Baby?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You know, papi, this guy looks a lot like your waxer.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: The Todd says, what now?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Nothing! She meant her waxer cos... We're... We're working, guys!
Dr. Wen: No no no, I wanna hear this.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's no big deal... I make Turk wax his chest so he doesn't give me a rash.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Oh, OK... does she also make you wax your vagina?
[loughs, then, to Dr Wen]
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Sterile high-five!

"Scrubs: My Karma (#2.16)" (2003)
Carla: What do you do when you get scared?
Dr. Cox: Run away, get a divorce, drink alone... You know, the classics. The thing is that, this time, I am killing myself for this woman, and I'm still getting my ass handed to me.
Carla: There is no Shangri-La, you know? Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still want to be there when things really suck.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, well, I'm not so sure.
Carla: [encouraging] It'll come to you.

Dr. Cox: So, now... why'd you finally agree to marry Gandhi?
Carla: Well, he's amazing in bed... and he has an awesome CD collection.
Dr. Cox: Seriously, what got you to the point where you weren't scared any more?
Carla: Please! I'm still terrified! I mean, good luck finding a pen cap at the nurses' station. Know why?
Dr. Cox: Why?
Carla: Ate 'em all.
Dr. Cox: Sounds like good roughage to me.

"Scrubs: My Fallen Idol (#5.21)" (2006)
Carla: Now, Doctor Cox needs our help getting through this. Jordan can watch him in the morning and at night, but she's also got Jack. Plus, she's not that emotionally available.
Jordan: [smiling] I'm dead inside.

Carla: All right, people, listen up! We are a family, and what do families do when one of their own is in trouble?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh! When my brother Barry came out of the closet, my parents send him to hetero-camp.
Carla: Families who aren't from Connecticut.

"Scrubs: My Fruit Cups (#2.8)" (2002)
Dr. Elliot Reid: We must've looked at a hundred women's bajingos today. Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo. I can barely even look at my *own* bajingo.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Is that because it looks so much like a vagina?

Elliot: My dad's coming in to town for a conference tomorrow.
Carla: You don't seem that stressed out.
Elliot: Well, I haven't pooed in six days.
J.D.: Twice this morning, and I haven't even had my coffee yet.
Elliot: You really pick odd things to brag about.
J.D.: I'm just saying, if I had to get three by lunch, I probably could.

"Scrubs: My Mirror Image (#6.1)" (2006)
Carla: You know, maybe Jordan's right, maybe it's time you start dealing with your anger issues.
Dr. Cox: Carla, for something to be an issue, it needs to cause a problem. I mean, honestly, aside from having to, by-law, remain thirty feet away from a certain telemarketer who I visited while he was eating his dinner, I don't see the downside.

Carla: [J.D. tells Carla, Elliot, and Turk that Kim is pregnant] I'm sorry J.D. but you knew this could happen when you had sex.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I have to tell you guys something but you have to promise not to laugh. Ok?
[Carla, Elliot, and Turk agree]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ok, on the night of said conception, ah, Kim and I nude-ed up, and um, the dirty talk began and I got a little over excited.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oooh, She like a the dirty talk!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, I do. I find it gets the ladies going. But I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself, especially when I use some of my different voices.
Dr. Elliot Reid: He does.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anywho, there was some unexpected friendly-fire, and uh, even though I never got a chance to enter the, the village, ah, there was an air strike on one of the outlying regions.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Turk yells excitedly and Carla pulls his ear to stop him] Thank you.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anyway, I talked to the gals in O.B.G and they said it's not uncommon for a woman to get pregnant even if there was no actual penetration.
Dr. Christopher Turk: What your trying to tell us is that you never actually had sex with her?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [after a brief pause] I didn't have a condom.
[Muffled giggles from Turk, Carla, and Elliot]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And ah, we decided not to have sex because, here's the kicker, I didn't want to get her pregnant.
[Carla, Elliot, and Turk break out in hysterical laughing]

"Scrubs: My Turf War (#6.18)" (2007)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Anyway, I know it's hard to believe, but when I first got to college I was a little bit of a...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Dork?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Geek?
Dr. Bob Kelso: [passing by] Good-time Sally who gave it away for free?
Melody O'Harra: I was the tramp, you old bitch!
Dr. Bob Kelso: [walking away] Liking her...

"Scrubs: My Self-Examination (#3.21)" (2004)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Dr. Cox
[Dr. Cox looks up]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why is your mouth red?
Dr. Perry Cox: Duct tape, 2 hours in a morgue drawer, don't piss off the janitor, end of story.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Okay, I'm ordering more pens. Do you like twisty bottoms or clicky tops?
Dr. Perry Cox: I can't imagine anything I care less about.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Damn these twisty bottoms, we need some more clicky tops.
Dr. Perry Cox: Not gonna happen, Bob. Here I just told Carla to order a hundred thousand twisty bottoms.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Nice face. But can't you just order a box of clicky tops for me?
Dr. Perry Cox: No, Bob, everybody gets the same.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Fine.
[sees a box of clicky top pens]
Dr. Bob Kelso: I'll just take these.
[reaches for pens, Dr. Cox knocks the pens off the counter]
Dr. Bob Kelso: You just bought yourself four weekends on call! Damn twisty bottoms!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You just said you don't care. Why are you fighting?
Dr. Perry Cox: I can't stop.

"Scrubs: My Dirty Secret (#3.9)" (2003)
Dr. Elliot Reid: I honestly don't mind that you're making fun of me but what does bother me is that no one is ever allowed to make fun of you.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: People can make fun of me.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [scoffs] Come on, what about that delivery guy yesterday? I mean, you practically tore him a new binglebore.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: But he's not my friend. My friends can make fun of me whenever they want.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really? Well in that case you're a know-it-all smartypants and if you're not telling someone what to do, you're probably not talking.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Okay, I guess I can be a little bossy.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: A little? Girl, please. If you met Jesus hisself, you'd be trying to tell him where to park his donkey.
J.D.: Oh, are we allowed to do this now? What about that whole like, hands on the hips Carla from the block thing she does when she's mad when she's like
J.D.: "oh Bambi, you do not want to mess with me right now."
Dr. Doug Murphy: [laughs] You do sound like that.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [with her hand on her hip] Careful, Doug, we are not that close yet.
Dr. Elliot Reid, J.D.: [laughing and mocking] Careful, Doug. Doug, wussup. Doug, you better be careful. Mm-hmm. 'Cause I'm Carla.

"Scrubs: My Perspective (#6.9)" (2007)
Dr. Cox: Newbie's test results came back. He's got Vasalvago Syncope.
Carla: And that makes you happy?
Dr. Cox: If he's vigorously valsalvic he can activate his reflex and actually lose consciousness. Carla, he'll pass out when he poops!

"Scrubs: My Choosiest Choice of All (#3.19)" (2004)
Carla: You really want to be a security guard?
Janitor: Who around here commands more respect than the men who wear blue and green?
Turk: The uniforms are black and grey.
Janitor: You got me. I don't see colors well. Happy now?

"Scrubs: My Bright Idea (#5.16)" (2006)
Carla: I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.
Turk: I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy rings we're good to go.
Carla: Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.
Turk: OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.

"Scrubs: My Occurrence (#1.22)" (2002)
Carla: Let me ask you something: you kind of a boob guy, right?
J.D.: Excuse me?
Carla: I can tell because I've seen you look at mine, and not in a sleezy way or anything.
J.D.: I think this is the most uncomfortable conversation I've ever had.
Carla: You wanna touch one?
J.D.: I stand corrected.

"Scrubs: My Dumb Luck (#7.9)" (2008)
Carla: Are you familiar with the term "Dellusion of grandeur" ?
Janitor: I believe I coined that term

"Scrubs: My Chopped Liver (#5.17)" (2006)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Dr Kelso, we need to talk.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Baxter was a good dog. You never think you're gonna miss animals as much as you do. It was just nice having some creature in my life who never disappointed me, never judged me, never showed up late at my 50th birthday party with freshly pierced nipples and a barely legal Filipino boy named Pogo... my son Harrison...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I figured...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Man's best friend, huh? They got that one right...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: At least you stopped crying...
Dr. Bob Kelso: No, not really; my body can't produce tears anymore because I've intentionally dehydrated myself. It's a risky move, I know, but Dr Jarvis here said it'll be all right.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: There's nobody standing behind you...
Dr. Bob Kelso: ...I'm going to need an IV.

"Scrubs: My New Suit (#5.18)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: OK. As you all know Sacred Heart is dealing with a mountain of malpractice lawsuits courtesy of bumbling interns, clueless doctors and hack surgeons, or as I like to refer to them, you people. Now, since Sweaty Teddy here backs up his infinitesimal knowledge of the law with absolutely zero knowledge of medicine, one of you is going to have to help him go through the claims, decipher medical stuff and somehow relay all of that into his tiny peanut brain. Ted, how many times did I insult you during that speech? I was shooting for five.
Ted Buckland: Only three, unless you count "Sweaty Teddy" as an insult; but my mom calls me that, and she loves me, right?
Dr. Cox: No Ted. She hates you. Four. Now, since Ted has no life, and that's five, I'm going and let him select his very own victim. Ted...
Ted Buckland: I'll take Claire!
Claire: Oh God...
Ted Buckland: You turned me down 14 times for drinks! Well, who's the creepy loser now, huh?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] And just like that I had the chance to comfort Claire.
[out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You look like you need to be rescued...
[Claire nods; J.D. Narrates again]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Life was good... but then came a surprise visit from my brother and a round of the game he likes to call Watch Her Leave.
[J.D. comforts Claire; Dan arrives at their back, holding a bunch of flowers]
Dan Dorian: There's no easy way to say this... we got the crabs.
[Claire runs away]
Dan Dorian: Wow, she was cute...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yes, she was, Dan... thank you.
Dan Dorian: Welcome.
[J.D. looks into the camera]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: We'll be right back
[leaves with Dan]
Patient #1: Was he talking to us?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Don't know, don't care.

"Scrubs: My New Coat (#2.5)" (2002)
Dr. Perry Cox: [Dr. Cox is taking a patient to a clinical trial she had been denied entry to] Hey! Anybody from that clinical trial around?
[whistles loudly and shotuing]
Dr. Perry Cox: Hello! Hello! Yeah, this lady's supposed to be in this trial.
Orderly: OK.
[wheels her away]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What the hell did you just do?
Dr. Perry Cox: When you speak of this, and I know you will, could I be shirtless? See, I think it would be much more impressive if I was shirtless.

"Scrubs: My Therapeutic Month (#6.10)" (2007)
Dr. Christopher Turk: [while in J.D.'s new apartment]
[looks up at the ceiling fan]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Awesome ceiling fan.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [switches to Turk getting a cast on his arm back at Sacred Heart] What happened? Is everything all right?
Dr. Christopher Turk: It was a TOTALLY un-avoidable accident!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [J.D. does his thing when he looks up to a flashback]
[turk is playing the classic hand game while sticking his hands in between the blades of the fan]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Check out the cool moves!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's awesome!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You wanna see awesome? Turn it up!
[J.D. turns around to turn up the fan, and then a loud thud is heard and he sees Turk is stuck on the blades and is flying around the room]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Whoa! Turn it off!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [switch falls off] This thing came off!
Dr. Christopher Turk: AUGHHHHHH!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [switch back to present] He was a beautiful black blur.

"Scrubs: Their Story (#6.17)" (2007)
Carla: We'll take that raise now.
Dr. Kelso: OK, but in this little fantasy of yours, can I not have prostate problems?

"Scrubs: My Monster (#2.10)" (2002)
Elliot: My life is a mess!
J.D.: At least you're pretty.
Elliot: Yeah, well, pretty don't pay the rent!
Carla: It does for my sister.
Elliot: Oh, my God, your sister's a prostitute?
Carla: She's a model. Come on, Elliot, we talked about thinking before we speak.

"Scrubs: My Common Enemy (#4.7)" (2004)
J.D.: Mmm, mulattos.
Carla: They're Milanos, you idiot.
J.D.: I always thought that was a little racist for a cookie.

"Scrubs: My Long Goodbye (#6.15)" (2007)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Wow, I'm still not ready to do this... it's going to be so weird not having you by my side every day. Making fun of the other doctors, going on and on about Jesus... man, I hope he's real or you're gonna be pissed!
[Laverne's 'ghost' smiles sadly]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Remember my first day? When that patient came in and started bleeding out on me? I was so shocked I could barely move. But you stood by my side, and you guided me through it. And then you did the most amazing thing of all... you made me laugh.
[Carla starts crying]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: For the last fifteen years, you've been my role model... but most of all you've been my friend!
[pauses and cries some more]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: And I don't know what else to say, so... I'm really, really gonna miss you.
[kisses Laverne on the cheek]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Goodbye.

"Scrubs: My Friend the Doctor (#3.8)" (2003)
[J.D. and Carla watches a movie with J.D.'s girlfriend Danni]
Danni Sullivan: Love "The Fugitive". Who would you rather sleep with, Tommy Lee Jones or Harrison Ford?
J.D.: Harrison Ford, hands down.
[the girls look at him]
J.D.: ...But you were probably talking to Carla. I'm having such a gay day!
Carla: *Day*?

"Scrubs: My First Kill (#4.4)" (2004)
Turk: Hey. Baby. I'm gonna head home and watch some television with Rowdy.
Carla: Rowdy? NO! Um, you shouldn't go home.
J.D.: Why?
Carla: I need you to go somewhere for me. I want you to go to a... STRIP CLUB!
Turk: Okay!
J.D.: Hey, Turk, can I talk to you for a second?
Turk: Can't talk now! Good stuff's happenin'!

"Scrubs: His Story (#2.15)" (2003)
Carla: This is about you not being able to commit, because committing means saying goodbye to whatever unfulfilled fantasy of love you've concocted after seeing too many Meg Ryan movies. But men don't come and make everything all better - they're only human. And you shouldn't punish him because you were forced to grow up so fast you never learned how to let someone else take care of you. He's not your father, okay, he's not necessarily gonna disappear at the first sign of trouble. And, as scary as it is to consider letting yourself be truly vulnerable with another human being, what's even scarier is that deep down inside you know you picked this man... and if you run away from him now, you'll be running away from being the kind of person you always wanted to be.

"Scrubs: My Last Chance (#4.8)" (2004)
J.D.: If you bring sarcasm my way, baby, prepare to be stung.
Elliot: J.D...
J.D.: So's your face.
Elliot: That doesn't even make any sense.
J.D.: 'So's your face' always makes sense.
Carla: J.D., that's stupid.
J.D.: So's your face! Man, I am on fire, hello.

"Scrubs: My No Good Reason (#6.14)" (2007)
Heather: [recorded on tape, to Isabella] What's the matter? You're so fussy... Why are you so fussy?
Ted Buckland: I'd let her give me a bath, I don't care if my mom was watching...
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Could you make her eat a banana?
J.D.: It's not interactive, Todd.
Heather: [recorded on tape] There it is! There it is, let me...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [entering] Hey baby! What are you guys watching?
Dr. Christopher Turk: [pausing the tape] Football.
everyone: Yeah, football... yeah... good game...
[Carla turns around to the TV; Turk stops the tape]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Football? Isn't the season over?
J.D.: [narrating] And then every male in the room fell totally in sync, resulting in the rarest of all phenomenon: the seamless, collaborative guy-lie
Keith: The American season is over. We were watching Mexican football.
Dr. Doug Murphy: They started late this year.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Because of the churro vendors.
Ted Buckland: They went on strike and the players wouldn't cross the picket line.
J.D.: When the dispute turned violent, they called in Rodrigo Vasquez, the owner of the Baja Bandidos, to step in.
Dr. Kelso: Thanks to Señor Vasquez's experience dealing with the fruit-pickers' unions, he was able to broker a last-minute deal, and the season was salvaged.
Dr. Christopher Turk: And that's why we're watching football in the spring.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Whatever...

"Scrubs: My Life in Four Cameras (#4.17)" (2005)
Carla: Well?
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, would you please repeat the question?
Carla: Are you just gonna roll over like that?
Jordan: That's weird, I asked him the same thing last night.
Carla: Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate?
Jordan: Again, last night!
Carla: You've gone soft.
Jordan: [gasps] Okay, now it's getting spooky.
Carla: Look, you're the only one who can stand up to Kelso.
Dr. Cox: Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present Man Not Caring.
Carla: Okay, Jordan, little help.
Jordan: If you don't do what she wants, I'm going to stop having sex with you and start making love... to you.
Dr. Cox: Where is that bastard? KELSO!

"Scrubs: My Super Ego (#1.7)" (2001)
Carla: [about a male intern] You're right; he definitely has a cute little butt.
Elliot: It's almost like it's been sculpted.
J.D.: Who cares? Everyone has a cute butt; I have a cute butt.
Carla: You should bring it in someday.

"Scrubs: My Case Study (#2.3)" (2002)
Mrs. Kellerman: Besides, can you two honestly say there's not one thing you'd change about yourself if you could?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I can honestly say that.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Me too.
Mrs. Kellerman: Then you're both liars.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: [entering room] Hey, Mrs. K. Let's get you into a fresh pair of blouse bunnies.

"Scrubs: My Overkill (#2.1)" (2002)
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: First off, I want to thank you all for agreeing to talk.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Bambi, you paged us here.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Be that as it may, I think there are some simple solutions. Dr. Cox, you're angry with me.
Dr. Perry Cox: No, I'm not.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: And you won't admit this, but you're in love with Carla.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, he's not.
Dr. Perry Cox: Actually, I am.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're starting again!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Carla, you're mad Turk didn't trust you enough to tell you.
Dr. Christopher Turk: See, trust, woman, trust!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Whatever, the point is that Turk is sorry.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Not anymore.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I can't believe you thought he was a threat!
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm a threat.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're not in love with me, you idolioze me.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: If we could just try to stay focused...
Dr. Christopher Turk: You're mad because I'm scared of losing you?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Yes, because we're stronger than that!
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] Apparently not!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You should be glad I never took our relationship for granted, you silly woman!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: If we could just refrain from name-calling...
Dr. Perry Cox: Oprah's right!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Lay off of him!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're just pissed because you're still in love with your ex!
Dr. Perry Cox: [slams his fist down on the table] Okay, that's it! Now, I have killed for so much less than that, and I'll damn sure do it again unless you all shut the hell up right now, and I MEAN NOW!
[they all disperse]

"Scrubs: My ABC's (#8.5)" (2009)
Dr. Perry Cox: Why do I hate that intern?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Because he called you Dr. C?
Dr. Perry Cox: Actually, I find that endearing.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Did he say "back in the day"?
Dr. Perry Cox: No.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Did he say "back in the hizzay"?
Dr. Perry Cox: No.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Does he like Hugh Jackman?
Dr. Perry Cox: You suck at this.

"Scrubs: My Musical (#6.6)" (2007)
Patti: [singing] What's going to happen? / What does the future hold? / So many things that I've put off / Assuming I'd have time / Assuming I'd grow old. / What's going to happen? / And will I be alive tomorrow? / What's going to happen... / To me?
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] You're going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, The Janitor, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Doug Murphy, Ted Buckland: That's what's going to happen. / Everything's okay. / We're right here beside you / We won't let you slip away. / Plan for tomorrow / 'Cause we swear to you, / You're going to be okay.
Patti: I'm going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's what's going to happen.
Patti: Everything's okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso: Everything's okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Bob Kelso: We would never leave you.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: Right here we will stay. / Plan for tomorrow, / 'Cause we swear to you / You're going to be okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [last sung line of the episode] We hope.
Dr. Perry Cox: Shhhhhh.

"Scrubs: My Friend with Money (#6.5)" (2007)
Jordan Sullivan: So... you have postpartum depression.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, I have the weepies.
Dr. Christopher Turk: No, baby, you got...
Jordan Sullivan: You have no lines in this play.
Dr. Christopher Turk: OK.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Jordan, I can handle it.
Jordan Sullivan: Really? What do you got there in your hand?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: A job application for The Gap...
[starts to cry]
Jordan Sullivan: Oh, that's a good career move...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [crying and sobbing] Look, all I ever wanted was to be a mother, and now that I am one I feel like I'm not cut out for it.
Jordan Sullivan: And you're ashamed of that?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Well, wouldn't you be?
Jordan Sullivan: Yeah, I was. What's the worst feeling you've had since you've had the baby?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I don't know.
Jordan Sullivan: When Jack wouldn't stop crying I wanted to throw that bastard out the window.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Really? I wanted to throw Isabella out the window... yeah. But we just had our apartment repainted and all the window were sealed shut; so I just wanted t drop her off the roof!
[starts to cry again]
Dr. Christopher Turk: [whispering] Oh, my God!
Jordan Sullivan: Listen, you can't get rid of it by sheer force of will or positive thinking or taking advice from a big Hollywood movie star and the dead science fiction writer he worships; you need to get some help.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ah... OK.
Dr. Christopher Turk: That's what I've been trying...
Jordan Sullivan: If you talk again I'm going to eat you!

"Scrubs: My Road to Nowhere (#6.8)" (2007)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [aboard Dr. Kelso's mobile home] There is a stripper pole in the back!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Carla has got some serious moves. She can even do an inverted spread-leg pole spin. You know, if that's what there called. It's not like a took a pole-dancing class or anything.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [inner monologue] Nice cover.

"Scrubs: My Rabbit (#6.21)" (2007)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Turk? Should I get a male stripper for Elliot's bachelorette party?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Are you looking for a Caucasian boy or more exotic fare? What? Once spring rolls around, Enid gets a little randy so I throw a 20 to Churro, our neighbor's Guatemalan house boy, to get in our basement and let Enid chase him around in a wheelchair until the juice runs out. Churro hates America...
Turk: Yeah, I wonder why...

"Scrubs: My T.C.W. (#2.18)" (2003)
[Carla is escorting a patient, a boy named Ralphie, to Pediatrics]
Carla: Come on, Ralphie.
[he notices her engagement ring]
Ralphie: I had that inside of me.
Nurse Roberts: What, now?
Carla: He's just making stuff up. Come on.
Ralphie: I swallowed that ring, and my dad had to wait for me to go Number Two. And the black doctor gave me ten bucks to keep my mouth shut.
[Carla gasps and drags Ralphie down the hall]
Nurse Roberts: [to herself] Mm. Good show today.

"Scrubs: My Brother, Where Art Thou? (#3.5)" (2003)
Dr. Bob Kelso: Why are you here?
Dr. Elliot Reid: My boyfriend is in New Zealand for six months; if I don't moonlight, I'm never gonna have enough money to see him.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: My wedding's costing twice as much as I thought, and would I need the extra cash.
Ted Buckland: Baxter won't get out of my chair!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Dr Kelso, even though we're understaffed and underpaid I've been working here for ten years. I mean, all day long all I hear is "Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla... Carla... Carla...".
Dr. Elliot Reid: Sir, what... w-w-what Carla is saying, and not in any kind of crazy or rambling sort of way, is that we work hard here in the hospital, but it's not the only thing in our lives.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Surely you must know what it's like to love someone so much that you'd do anything you had to?
Dr. Bob Kelso: [breaths heavily] I'll see you two in the morning... Now get out of my office before I change my mind.
[Carla and Elliot leave; Ted remains. Kelso picks up the phone and makes a call]
Dr. Bob Kelso: Darling, I wanna say something. For the past 25 years we've been going through the motions; once every couple of weeks we have sex and then we have breakfast without saying a word... Well, tonight I want you to put on a nice dress because I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years. I love you too...
[hangs up]
Ted Buckland: That was beautiful, sir...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Thanks Ted. Call my wife, tell her I won't be home tonight.

"Scrubs: His Story IV (#6.7)" (2007)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: So you think it's okay to just kill animals for sport?
Janitor: If it serves a useful purpose, yes I do.
[produces stuffed rabbit]
Janitor: Salt?
[shakes salt from its ear]
Janitor: Cracked black pepper?
[twists its head to produce pepper]
Janitor: Thank you, Bingo.
[makes rabbit noise]

"Scrubs: My Chief Concern (#8.17)" (2009)
Jordan Sullivan: [to Ted] Hey, Sweat stain! How's it going with your girlfriend now that you guys are roomies?
Ted Buckland: Oh we're having sex like all the time.
Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Jordan Sullivan, Dr. Elliot Reid: [disgusted] Oh!
Ted Buckland: Why do people react like that when they picture me having sex?
Dr. Bob Kelso: You try it!
Ted Buckland: [horrified] OH GOD!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Not a pretty sight is it?

"Scrubs: My Urologist (#5.23)" (2006)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why are you breaking up with Keith?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look... Keith is sweet, but after watching him get walked on again this morning, I feel like I need a stronger man in my life. I want what you guys have... someone to stand up for me when I really need it, you know? Someone as confident as Turk or as brave as Dr Cox or as... I'm sorry Laverne, I don't really know your husband. What are some of Mr Roberts' good qualities?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Well, he was a roadie for Jimi Hendrix, and when it rains he carries me to the car.
Dr. Elliot Reid: And you guys have been together what... 60 years?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: I'm 48! And I'm done here.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Uhm... my bad... yeah...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [sobbing and crying] I don't want Keith to go... Elliot, I don't want Keith to go!
Jordan Sullivan: Aww... there, there...
[she starts to console her, then she pushes Carla's chair away. Elliot looks at her astonished]
Jordan Sullivan: What? "I'm pregnant... I'm crying... I'm laughing...". Enough already... it's boring.

"Scrubs: My Hard Labor (#7.2)" (2007)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] There are some images that even doctors can't stomach...
Keith: Oh... that is so gross I migh vomit...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, is it the patient with the infected neck wound?
Keith: Ugh... worse...
[Elliot arrives]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Hey guys!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] ... like the image of your ex-fiancèe.
Dr. Elliot Reid: How's it going, Keith?
Keith: You ruined my life.
[walks away]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Nice seeing you.

"Scrubs: His Story II (#3.18)" (2004)
Elliot: Guys! Three long years of busting my hump at this place and it has finally paid off!
J.D.: You got the fellowship?
Elliot: No! I get to be the clown in Pediatrics!
Carla: Heeeey! That old clown was really good. So, uh, you got some really big shoes to fill!
[she laughs, but everyone else just looks at her blankly]
Carla: Dammit, I'm funny!