The Janitor
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Quotes for
The Janitor (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)

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"Scrubs: His Story III (#5.19)" (2006)
Janitor: [Assisting with the care of a seizure patient] This is easy, just like drowning someone.

[the janitor is holding a patients legs down]
Janitor: This is easy. Just like drowning someone.

Janitor: I guess I just never realized how you pick up just from working here. I heard someone yell 'Hold that woman's legs down!' and I instinctively knew what to do.

Janitor: But I didn't even see the demon leave the body.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I'm sure it did.

Janitor: [the Janitor is using a drill with a fork in the front grip to twirl a patients Spagehttie] Drill Fork you can Drill and Fork. But Mostly Fork.
Janitor: I got alot of other invention.
[Janitor stabs a pen into a soda can]
Janitor: Pen straw. Don't like that cola though. tastes like ink.

Janitor: Knife wrench; practical and safe!
[puts in his pocket and stabs his leg]
Janitor: argh... aaargh.

Nurse: Knock, knock.
Janitor: [in head] Who's there?
Janitor: [in head] Nurse mophead.
Janitor: [in head] Nurse mophead who?
Janitor: [in head] You have a mophead.

[the Janitor has lied about the time to Kelso, and thereby, Kelso went late to an appointment]
Dr. Kelso: Thanks to your little telling-me-the-wrong-time-prank, I was 45 minutes late for my oriental massage, which meant that instead of Pang-Wa, I had to settle for Ching-Dau.
Janitor: So?
Dr. Kelso: Ching-Dau is a *DUDE*!

"Scrubs: My New God (#5.5)" (2006)
J.D.: Morning, Sunshine.
Janitor: I don't like that.
J.D.: Nobody seems to.

Dr. Cox: There will be no whining or crying while we sit here, understood?
J.D.: [Stroking Jack's hair] He seems fine.
Dr. Cox: I wasn't talking to him.
J.D.: I don't whine or cry.
Janitor: Really? Then how do you explain these photos of you whining and crying as you run away from the Kwans' apartment?
J.D.: These are coasters.
Janitor: My camera's broken.

Dr. Cox: You know what, there, Newbie? You can go to the baptism. Now take Jack; Jordan'll kill me if he's not there. Plus, I know you - you're exactly one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.
J.D.: No, thank you. If there's one thing I learned from this guy
[gestures at the Janitor]
J.D.: , it's I need to stop trying to fix people's relationships.
Janitor: You're welcome
J.D.: Still, I've never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs. In fact, you're pretty tolerant of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman
Dr. Cox: Meh
J.D.: I just don't understand why your sister being religious bothers you so much
Dr. Cox: It doesn't
J.D.: Then why are you so angry?

J.D.: [J.D. has just agreed to help the Janitor move house] I'll do it!
Janitor: I knew you would. You're very predictable.
[both at the same time - J.D. trying to prove the Janitor wrong]
J.D., Janitor: No I'm not. Stop doing that! Peanut-butter-egg-dirt!

"Scrubs: My Missed Perception (#5.6)" (2006)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: This picture is happening.
The Janitor: No it's not.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh what do you know, mop-jock?

Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why would you ruin this for me? I mean, I didn't even ask you to be there.
The Janitor: Imagine that: I've been working here for 14 years and I guess I don't rate as part of the family.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [surprised] Did you wanna be in the picture?
The Janitor: No... it's just... who... it's I... I gotta go.

The Janitor: I've predicted a couple of things over the years. The kitchen fire of '97. The kitchen fire of '98. The arson conviction of Luis the Fry Cook. And of course, the eventual termination of the hospital's "Convicts-to-Cooks" program.

"Scrubs: My Lucky Charm (#4.14)" (2005)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla, I'm so bummed. I can't go see the Chamber Orchestra tonight, I totally forgot I have my Cantonese class. And I would totally call and cancel but the only thing I know how to say is "I'm allergic to peanuts."
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, Elliot, I was really looking forward to this.
The Janitor: Really? About five seconds ago you were all giddy about going home and taking a bath tonight.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why would you do that to me?
The Janitor: New thing. I'm busting chops.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [laughs defensively]
Dr. Elliot Reid: So, you just forgot we even had plans?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What's the big deal? You were flaking on them anyway.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I wasn't. I have my Cantonese class.
The Janitor: But do you? Do you really?
[Elliot makes a "What are you doing" face - Janitor shrugs]
The Janitor: Busting chops.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Fine! Well at least I remembered the plans well enough to flake on them!
[storms off down a corridor]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [shouting after her] Oh yeah? Well if I knew you were gonna flake on them, I would never have made plans to forget in the first place, because you...
Dr. Perry Cox: [has just walked in from the corridor Elliot left down] She's gone, Carla. It's over.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Where the hell have you been for the last few days?
Dr. Perry Cox: Deep sea fishing.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You hate fishing.
Dr. Perry Cox: Went with my buddies.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You don't have any buddies.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh yeah? Well we landed a 200 pound white marlin off the coast of San Diego.
The Janitor: Interesting, because that's about 3,000 miles from the natural habitat of the white marlin. Hmm, well perhaps it hopped a train from Cape Cod!
Dr. Perry Cox: Why?
The Janitor: I'm busting chops today. You can ask anybody.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's true.
The Janitor: See?

Turk: Heard you guys were fighting.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: We made up.
The Janitor: No they didn't. Chop-busting.
[dusts Turk's shoulder with a feather duster]
The Janitor: And Doc-dusting.
Turk: Well Elliot, you don't look too banged up about it. You got your arm around Carla.
Dr. Elliot Reid: My hand is stuck in this rats nest she calls hair.

The Janitor: I have just one serious and, hopefully, chop-busting question.

"Scrubs: His Story IV (#6.7)" (2007)
Janitor: Typical Dorian. Runnin' away from an argument you know nothing about.
J.D.: I know all about the war.
Janitor: Really.
[pulls out a globe]
Janitor: Point to Iraq.
J.D.: Why do you keep a globe on your janitor cart?
Janitor: In case I get lost. I'll give you a hint, it's not the country shaped like a boot.
J.D.: [points to the globe] That's Iraq.
Janitor: That's China.
J.D.: You're China!
Janitor: That's an outrageous accusation.
[bites into his sandwich]
Janitor: Needs salt. Where's my bunny? Bingo?

Janitor: I'll debate Iraq with you.
J.D.: Prepare to be dazzled.
Janitor: OK. In my opinion, we should be looking for bin Laden in Pakistan.
J.D.: ...You have that globe nearby?

Nurse Carla Espinosa: So you think it's okay to just kill animals for sport?
Janitor: If it serves a useful purpose, yes I do.
[produces stuffed rabbit]
Janitor: Salt?
[shakes salt from its ear]
Janitor: Cracked black pepper?
[twists its head to produce pepper]
Janitor: Thank you, Bingo.
[makes rabbit noise]

"Scrubs: My Own American Girl (#3.1)" (2003)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Janitor, have you ever looked at yourself and wished you were different in every single way?
The Janitor: Nah... I'm a winner.

The Janitor: Squeaky's a-comin!

"Scrubs: My Way Home (#5.7)" (2006)
The Janitor: Kelso's starting new line painting to help people get around. Green's gonna go to the smokers's lounge, blue is for the I.C.U., yellow to all the exits.
J.D.: What's red for?
The Janitor: Sneaker painting.
[he sprays J.D.'s white sneakers red]

J.D.: [walks into hospital soaking wet] You're not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital, are you? I think I saw a manatee.
The Janitor: Was his name Julian?
J.D.: We didn't exchange pleasantries.
The Janitor: That's Julian.

"Scrubs: My Choosiest Choice of All (#3.19)" (2004)
Janitor: Some hooligan keeps disconnecting the alarm. I told Security to look into it. But no, no, they'd rather catch the guy who's stealing organs from the transplant ward.

Carla: You really want to be a security guard?
Janitor: Who around here commands more respect than the men who wear blue and green?
Turk: The uniforms are black and grey.
Janitor: You got me. I don't see colors well. Happy now?

"Scrubs: My Butterfly (#3.16)" (2004)
The Janitor: I don't want to clean this up.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Then you picked the wrong day to be the janitor.

Young Janitor: Where's my teddy bear?
Mrs. Janitor: Oh, I must have thrown it out accidentally while I was cleaning your room. This never would have happened if you weren't so filthy.

"Scrubs: My Best Laid Plans (#4.19)" (2005)
Janitor: Can't go clubbin' tonight, guys. Daddy's got a date.
Ted: Awww, man! I ironed my going out hair!

Elliot: You're unbelievable.
[Elliot walks away annoyed]
Janitor: You're the only one around here that treats me like a real person.
Elliot: What did you just say?
Janitor: There was one other girl a few years ago, red-haired doctor. She used to eat lunch with me, until the other residents started making fun of her. They called her 'janitor lunch-eater'. Not the most clever group. Anyway, I know that you don't think about me the way I think about you, and I never really believed that you would or that you could. But, just pretending for today somehow made me feel good for a change. I'm sorry.
Elliot: You know what, it's ok. I actually had a good time.
Janitor: [Janitor stifles a coy laugh] Thanks.
[Elliot smiles and walks off scene]
Janitor: [Janitor to himself] Elliot.
[Janitor smiles and walks in the opposite direction]

"Scrubs: My Interpretation (#2.20)" (2003)
J.D.: Look uh... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: I was outside in the bushes.
J.D.: [Janitor makes confused, sighing noise] Look, it was just a coincidence man. I mean, eh, if you had looked out the window you would've seen my penis.
Janitor: What? Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours.

J.D.: Look, uh... Janitor...
[the Janitor rolls his eyes]
J.D.: ...I'm gonna be straight with you: I saw your penis, and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes.
[the Janitor takes a second to process this answer]
Janitor: Uhhh...
J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man - I mean, i-i-if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis, you know!
Janitor: What? Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!

"Scrubs: My Fishbowl (#6.12)" (2007)
The Janitor: [after the goldfish talks to him] Thats not real.

Dr. Perry Cox: [Carla tells bad joke] You would hear crickets chirping, but they were too uncomfortable at just how unfunny that actually was.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: So what, I'm not funny?
Dr. Perry Cox: Why I think you're very funny... WHEN you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse. You know, as long as you stay right in you wheel house.
[Dr. Cox begins walking through the room]
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck; your husband does it when he's sarcastic.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ya know, I do what I do when I do what I do.
Dr. Perry Cox: The Janitor is amusing because quite frankly he's insane
The Janitor: [walks by with tiny boots that look like they are for a baby on his hands] I made shoes for my bunny.
Dr. Perry Cox: [walks over the J.D] And Alice here, well she can turn a phrase. and I'm assuming because I called you Alice you're thinking of me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
[Dr. Cox appears as Alice from the Brady Bunch then looks at J.D]
Dr. Perry Cox: Aren't ya?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: He was.
Dr. Perry Cox: Now some people just have funny names, for instance, Dr. Beardface, Dr. McHead, Colonel Doctor, and of course Snoop Dogg intern.
Snoop Dogg Intern: [grabs his white coat] Hey, Hey.
Dr. Perry Cox: My bad, Snoop Dogg resident. The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God, which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the Hospital Sad sack.
Ted Buckland: I am?
Dr. Perry Cox: Yes Ted.
Ted Buckland: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Dr. Perry Cox: And me I'm just funny because I commit C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T...
[makes the notion of sipping tea]
Dr. Perry Cox: -TEA. And I also do silly rants. But there is just one man who is funny, no matter what he says.
Dr. Bob Kelso: [Kelso enters] Are my undergarments made of wool because my WEASLES getting heat stroke?
Dr. Perry Cox: The point is please don't tell anymore jokes.
Ted Buckland: I'm not a sadsack am I?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ted, your pen exploded!
Ted Buckland: [looks at his shirt with a large blue stain on it] Awwwwww
[looks at is blue hand on his head]
Ted Buckland: AWWWWWWWWW!

"Scrubs: My Rite of Passage (#5.2)" (2006)
Janitor: [proving a point to JD] Everybody kisses the ass of the person above them.
Dr. Kelso: [to Dr. Mickhead] I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart.
[Mickhead fake-laughs at Dr. Kelso's pun]
Dr. Mickhead: [to Nurse Roberts] I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-freud.
[Nurse Roberts fake-laughs at Dr. Mickhead's pun]
Nurse Roberts: [to cafeteria worker] I was going to be a doctor... But I didn't have the patience.
[cafeteria worker fake-laughs at Nurse Roberts' pun]
Cafeteria Worker: [to homeless guy] I was gonna be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough.
[homeless guy fake-laughs at Cafeteria Worker's pun]
Homeless Guy: [to his dog] You know, I was gonna have her bring you some chicken, but it was foul.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Okay gang I'll meet you up in the radiology to talk about Mr. Keets' CAT-Scan. His tumor is getting you big it's starting to look like a three-mor.
[the interns fake laugh]
Janitor: Not funny!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Have you been following me around all day dressed like an intern?
Janitor: Yes. And you're a terrible teacher. I'm not prepared to operate on anyone.

"Scrubs: My Overkill (#2.1)" (2002)
The Janitor: [Sprays JD in the crotch with a water bottle] Uh-oh. Looks like someone switched to big boy pants a little too soon...

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [turns around before the janitor can spray him in the crotch again] Ha ha. Too slow, what now Mr. Tough Guy?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [the janitor sprays him in the butt] That is so not funny.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Ha ha ha. Wet butt!
The Janitor: It gets better.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Is it starting to burn?
The Janitor: I would think so. Hey, uh, don't touch your eyes.

"Scrubs: My Road to Nowhere (#6.8)" (2007)
The Janitor: Can I say something?
[grabs J.D]
The Janitor: I don't know this man. I wish I did. I admire his spirit. And if he says we continue, I say, I am in!

The Janitor: [to JD] Fair well stranger. I shall toast you with my heartiest wine.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to Elliot, Carla, Keith, and Ted, about The Janitor] Maybe he should lie down.

"Scrubs: My Lucky Night (#3.4)" (2003)
Dr. Elliot Reid: [to herself] What's wrong with me? Here I am, trying not to let fear rule my life anymore, and then... Sean moves away and i don't even have the guts to tell him how I feel...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to himself] ... how I feel. I mean, life's too short not to go for it with Elliot. Plus, now Sean's out of the picture. Stop being such a chicken!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [to himself] Stop being suck a chicken! I know it's a complicated procedure, but I can do it without Carla, there. What am I so scared of?
Dr. Perry Cox: [to himself] What am I so scared of? That I might actually get this job and have no one to blame it on if I fail? Good Lord, I'm pathetic... When was the last time...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [to herself] When was the last time he ever apologized for anything? I wanna help him, I do... but in a lot of ways I guess I'm as stubborn as he is. I wish I could make sense out of this...
The Janitor: [to himself] I wish I could make sense out of this. 30 cents, to be exact... damn riddle! Easy, Janitor... you'll get this.

The Janitor: Hey! We solved your dumb game.
Troy: We been to the libary!
The Janitor: -brary... Troy! Library! Anyway, what two coins, when you put 'em together, make 30 cents and one of them isn't a nickel? Uhm... A penny and a 1972 dime with a Roosevelt imperfection, today worth exactly 29 cents.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, no no. The correct answer is a quarter and a nickel.
The Janitor: Uhm, no, because you said one of them isn't a nickel.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Right. The other one is.
The Janitor: You lied to me.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No. It's a riddle.
Troy: [to the Janitor] Uh, your face is red like a strawberry!
The Janitor: ...Don't have kids.

"Scrubs: My Unicorn (#4.11)" (2004)
The Janitor: Hey, buddy. I need you to reconsider Blonde Doctor and I'm gonna tell you why. See, I'm the future Mr. Blonde Doctor? And I kinda need this to happened so that I can, uh- hey, over here. I need this to happen so that I can just hang around the house, and you know, bake bread or gab across the fence with neighbor Marge. Nice lady. Polish, I think. I'm not prejudice.
Interviewer: What the hell are you talking about?
The Janitor: Here's the thing: I need you to take this can of orange soda, turn, smile, and give Blonde Doctor a big thumbs up or I'm gonna take the same orange soda, follow you down to the parking lot, and smash your head in with it.

Nurse Carla Espinosa: Okay, I put interview guy in the lounge and told him that Elliot was with a patient. Now, how are we gonna fix this thing?
The Janitor: You're okay. The guy wanted an orange soda, right? We bring him an orange soda, maybe the whole thing goes away.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Okay, here's the plan: Jordan and I will take care of interview guy. Soft-Scrub, you can do whatever the hell you want.
The Janitor: I will.

"Scrubs: His Story II (#3.18)" (2004)
Bratty Kid: Why are your pants tight? Clowns are supposed to wear pants that are baggy.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Because, Brad, I'm the kind of clown that likes to wear tight pants.
Bratty Kid: The other clown wears baggy pants
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: What other clown?
The Janitor: [Children point to where Janitor is standing] Hello, old friend.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Janitor.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I think what angry disturbed clown is trying to teach us is it's never okay to push other people over.
The Janitor: [Pushes J.D over as all the children laugh]

"Scrubs: My Jiggly Ball (#5.4)" (2006)
J.D.: has been on the news for months.
Janitor: Sorry rich boy. My TV doesn't get the news. Just the bible channel and some kind of Chinese boxing.

J.D.: There is no such thing as Jiggly Ball, is there?
Janitor: No

"Scrubs: My Malpractical Decision (#4.9)" (2004)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Hey, Night School! Mr. Corman followed us home last night!
Dr. Christopher Turk: How'd you get my cell phone number?
The Janitor: Ehh, once you've got somebody's driver's license and a urine sample, you can get just about anything. How do you fail 8th grade gym?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You better stop messing with my husband.
The Janitor: You better tell him to stop messing with my walls.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You did this?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, you know you're my world.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I'm out.
The Janitor: I flunked gym too. Didn't like the shorts.

Doug Murphy: How long do I have to stay up there?
The Janitor: Just until I finish pretending to read the newspaper. Hm, apparently there was some sort of election held recently.

"Scrubs: My First Day (#1.1)" (2001)
J.D.: How's it going?
Janitor: I'm 37 years old and I'm a janitor. How do you think it's going?
J.D.: Now there is nothing wrong with being a janitor.
Janitor: Really? Thank you. You've turned my life around. I have to go tell my janitor wife and all my janitor kids that life is worth living. And that comes straight from our hero, Dr. Whozits, Dr. Nothing. No, seriously, come on. You can come over to my humble house and point out things that are cheap.

"Scrubs: My New Game (#4.3)" (2004)
Janitor: What's that? Your new cool guy walk?
J.D.: Nope, I have rocks in my shoe.
[empties it]
J.D.: Wow, that's a lot of rocks. I gotta stop taking that shortcut through the quarry.

"Scrubs: My Identity Crisis (#7.4)" (2007)
The Janitor: Hey, Teddy! Lookin' bald and sweaty!
Ted Buckland: Putting my smile away... And on with the day.

"Scrubs: My Buddy's Booty (#5.11)" (2006)
Dr. Perry Cox: You know what else I hate about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet store.
The Janitor: Actually, that's my fault. I filled his hair spray bottle with dog sweat.
Dr. Perry Cox: Dogs don't sweat.
The Janitor: They don't? Then what the hell am I putting in there?

"Scrubs: My Conventional Wisdom (#6.20)" (2007)
The Janitor: Let's make cancer feel foolish.

"Scrubs: My Dumb Luck (#7.9)" (2008)
Carla: Are you familiar with the term "Dellusion of grandeur" ?
Janitor: I believe I coined that term

"Scrubs: My Chopped Liver (#5.17)" (2006)
Janitor: [Janitor, Todd, Laverne, and Ted are all mad at Carla and ominous music plays as the walk by] Guys, we're supposed to be giving the evil eye here and I'm the only one doing it. Ted you're giving sad eye!
Ted: It's all I've got!
Janitor: Now try it again.
[they all stare with "evil eye"]
Janitor: That's better. Todd, great commitment.
Todd: I just thought about flat boobies and it made me mad.

"Scrubs: Her Story II (#5.10)" (2006)
Janitor: Wow, she looks like a young Carla

"Scrubs: My Therapeutic Month (#6.10)" (2007)
The Janitor: You have to think for yourself. Don't be a sheep and fallow the fold. Now repeat after me, I think for myself.
Crowd: I think for myself.
The Janitor: You can't tell me what to say.
Crowd: You can't tell me what to say.
The Janitor: I won't say this.
Crowd: I won't say this.
The Janitor: Unbelievable.
Crowd: Unbelievable.

"Scrubs: My Own Personal Hell (#5.14)" (2006)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] A local magazine named Dr Cox the best doctor in the city. Dr Cox felt this was big news.
[Cox walks in front of doctors, paramedics and patients all arranged in a row]
Dr. Perry Cox: All right! Here's how it's going to work, people. I'm going to ask each and everyone of you just exactly WHO is the very finest physician in this city, to which you will respond: "You are!". If you do not reply in a timely and exuberant fashion , my associate here will take his mop and, these are his words, not mine, "Popsicle you".
[poses a hand over Janitor's shoulder; he makes a rapid and threatening move with his mop]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now, my lovely ex-wife will demonstrate. Darling, just exactly who is the very best physician in our fair city?
Jordan Sullivan: You are! And now, as agreed, you owe me a night on the town and some "me actually getting to finish" sex.
Dr. Perry Cox: Well done. Now, down the line we go!
Person in Line #2: You are!
Person in Line: You are!
Asian Nurse: You are!
Black Nurse: You are!
Lonnie: Y'are!
[the Janitor pokes him with the mop]
Lonnie: God! Why?
The Janitor: You combined "You" and "Are", and you said "Yar". Made no sense.
Dr. Perry Cox: It's true, Lonnie. Everybody heard it. Poke him again.
[the Janitor pokes Lonnie again, he squeaks in pain. Cox notices Kelso in line]
Dr. Perry Cox: Bob Kelso... will you be joining us?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Mh? Uh... there was a line... I assumed it had something to do with cupcakes.
Dr. Perry Cox: Bob, obviously you read the article...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Perry, the last publication I read was the issue of Out my son left by the crapper when he was home this weekend asking for money. You'll never get my validation, hotshot.
[walks away, not poked by the Janitor]
Dr. Perry Cox: And just exactly where was the poke?
The Janitor: I froze. Gimme 20 bucks, I will crack him over the head.
Dr. Perry Cox: [gives Janitor the money] Only kill him if you have to.

"Scrubs: My Friend the Doctor (#3.8)" (2003)
J.D.: [after having seen Janitor in The Fugitive] You're an actor.
The Janitor: You're a fireman... What are we doing?

"Scrubs: My Inconvenient Truth (#7.3)" (2007)
The Janitor: OK people, time to save the planet! But where to begin?...
Ted Buckland: My first step was going with all-hemp underwear, it's AWESOME! Except when the hemp oil seeps into your bloodstream then it's AWESOMER!

"Scrubs: My Half-Acre (#5.9)" (2006)
J.D.: How did you know I'd move to fast with Julie?
Dr. Cox: How do you know that I can be that kind of dad?
Turk: How did you that Kelso just wanted respect?
Elliot: Because I know you!
Carla: Because I know you!
Janitor: Because I know him!
Todd: [watches it on the security camera] This is so cool!

"Scrubs: My Extra Mile (#5.15)" (2006)
Janitor: [Carla and the Janitor are looking for a missing patient] Well, the good news is his head isn't in the storage room. Because I once found a head in the storage room. It's a funny story actually - I put it in my locker cause I didn't have time to get to the lost and found. Went on a long weekend, forgot all about it. Come back to work on Monday, open my locker - WHA! Head! Plus, rats! I panicked, I didn't know what the hell to do, SO, I grabbed the thing and I ran up to the roof and I punt it... and I shank wide left like I always do. Now - it's heading straight down right for Kelso, sitting in his convertible. I'm done, out of a job right? Wrong! At that second a hawk flies in, grabs the thing, and flies off with it. And I know what you're thinking - we're in the middle of a city, what's a hawk doing there?
Carla: I can't believe you get a locker and I don't.

"Scrubs: My Hypocritical Oath (#4.15)" (2005)
Dr. Perry Cox: Listen up. I have been cursed to work the night shift with you chuckleheads, which means I have to tape the Laker-Heat game; and seeing as no one in the history of this germbox has ever made it through a shift without saying "Oh, my God... oh, my God! Did you see what happened last night on America's Fattest Fatties? A 900-pound woman lost a pound and a half and cried for 20 minutes"... be warned. If you utter a word about the score of the game, it will be your last. Now get out! Go, go, go, go! Chop, chop!
The Janitor: [sitting on a chair, petting an invisible cat; speaks in a fake English accent] So... you don't want to know the ending of something. I can relate to that.
Dr. Perry Cox: What is that in your lap?
The Janitor: Leonard. Half-kitten, half-monkey!

"Scrubs: His Story (#2.15)" (2003)
The Janitor: [answering the emergency phone] Batcave!

"Scrubs: My Nightingale (#2.2)" (2002)
J.D.: This, this isn't like being a janitor, okay! It's not just like something everybody can do.
Janitor: Oh. So you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours?
J.D.: Yes!
Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor?
J.D.: I don't know... the... rough side of a sponge?
Janitor: Dammit.

"Scrubs: My Big Mouth (#2.4)" (2002)
Janitor: What's up?
J.D.: [thinking] Be careful here... Don't give him anything.
J.D.: Nothing. What. Is. Up. With. You... Man?
Janitor: I always get this way in the fall, you know - summer's gone, the days are shorter; it just makes me feel so... what's the word...
J.D.: Sad?
Janitor: Yes, that's it. I'm a janitor, so I couldn't think of the word "sad". I was gonna say, it makes me feel so "mop."
J.D.: Let me explain, I -...
Janitor: Go ahead, I'm "mopping".
J.D.: Maybe I shouldn't bother.
Janitor: Maybe you "mopn't".

"Scrubs: My Life in Four Cameras (#4.17)" (2005)
Jordan: Oh, for God's sake, Perry... adjust your bra, man up and fire the one with the least pathetic story.
Dr. Cox: Do you really think I know any of these people's stories?
The Janitor: Well... let me fill you in. First we have Hank: four kids, trying to make it on a dishwasher's salary. Next to him is Mike: lost half his leg in a motorcycle accident. And then there's Judy: been here 30 years... just two away from retirement.
Jordan: You're... you're friend with all these people?
The Janitor: Are you kidding me? I read their files! I read everybody's files, Ms Maniac-Depressive... Dr Drinks-a-lot...
Dr. Cox: Hold your horses...! Just tell me who the last person hired was, would you, please?
Kenny: [arriving holding a coffee pot] Looks like you folks could use a refresher! Ah, serving people like you who save lives every day makes me happier then a kitten chasing a leaky cow, ah ah ah! God bless you... God bless you...
[walks away]
Dr. Cox: I have to fire Opie, don't I?
Jordan: You think?

"Scrubs: My Female Trouble (#4.10)" (2004)
The Janitor: Hello, I'm Dr. Reid. Dr. Elliot Reid. I'm a doctor.

"Scrubs: My Super Ego (#1.7)" (2001)
J.D.: Go ahead, insult me like you always do.
Janitor: Too easy. When you least expect it...

"Scrubs: My Lunch (#5.20)" (2006)
Todd: [Talking to Elliot and Carla after lying that he was gay] You know, I really gotta thank you gals for outing me. Chicks dig gay dudes.
Elliot: Oh, my God, I cannot believe I let you into that dressing room while I was trying on bras.
Carla: [turns to Elliot] Eewww!
Todd: That was a very special time for me.
Carla: Unbelieveable.
Elliot: [as they walk away] He saw the girls.
Todd: [Carla and Elliot are now down the hall] It's ok if you girls wanna walk away, cause I'd love to see you go. Nothing wrong with that.
[walks down the hall, looks to an intern]
Todd: Nothing wrong with that either.
[looks to a nurse]
Todd: Or that.
Todd: [Janitor and The Todd meet]
Janitor: What the hell are you?
Todd: I'm the Todd
[Todd walks off]
Janitor: [makes a disgusted face]

"Scrubs: My Deja Vu, My Deja Vu (#5.22)" (2006)
Troy: [to Janitor] Oh your face is red like a strawbrary!
Janitor: Don't have kids.

"Scrubs: My ABC's (#8.5)" (2009)
Dr. Elliot Reid: I wonder if they found a new head of medicine yet?
The Janitor: Actually, they found one this morning.
Oscar the Grouch: All right, you knuckleheads! Shape up! I'm watching you, John Dorian, and guess what? My eyes never close!
The Janitor: Mine neither.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [back to reality] I grew up on the street. Not the hood. Sesame Street.

"Scrubs: My Cake (#4.6)" (2004)
Dr. Bob Kelso: He's not a day over fifty-five and he has Alzheimer's. Really makes you think, doesn't it?
The Janitor: You're over fifty-five, aren't you, sir?
Dr. Bob Kelso: What's your point?
The Janitor: Nothing.

"Scrubs: My Musical (#6.6)" (2007)
Patti: [singing] What's going to happen? / What does the future hold? / So many things that I've put off / Assuming I'd have time / Assuming I'd grow old. / What's going to happen? / And will I be alive tomorrow? / What's going to happen... / To me?
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] You're going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, The Janitor, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Doug Murphy, Ted Buckland: That's what's going to happen. / Everything's okay. / We're right here beside you / We won't let you slip away. / Plan for tomorrow / 'Cause we swear to you, / You're going to be okay.
Patti: I'm going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's what's going to happen.
Patti: Everything's okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso: Everything's okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Bob Kelso: We would never leave you.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: Right here we will stay. / Plan for tomorrow, / 'Cause we swear to you / You're going to be okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [last sung line of the episode] We hope.
Dr. Perry Cox: Shhhhhh.

"Scrubs: My Clean Break (#3.11)" (2004)
The Janitor: Floor's wet. You know, I liked the way Blond Doctor looked. Brightened my day. But you don't care. Cause you're unconscious.

"Scrubs: My Old Friend's New Friend (#4.1)" (2004)
J.D.: Why the giant X?
Janitor: Why the stupid face?
J.D.: Touché.
Janitor: You know, I know you knocked that exit sign down.
J.D.: Well then I'm sure I can expect an appropriate retaliatory response. Maybe you could shoot me in the neck.

"Scrubs: My Cookie Pants (#8.6)" (2009)
Turk: Now we are ready to close the incision. Are there any questions?
The Janitor: [Dressed in scrubs and gloves] I don't think you're doing it right.
Turk: Get out of here!
The Janitor: Can I just touch the heart?

"Scrubs: My Ocardial Infarction (#4.13)" (2005)
The Janitor: Well, it-it - you know the only reason I was wearing the suit at all was because our, uh, a cappella band was... practicing.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, that's great! What's your band's name?
The Janitor: Uh... It's, uh, Hibbleton. Yeah, yeah. And, um, I don't think it's going too far to say that we're the best hospital employee band in town.
Ted Buckland, Roy, Crispin, Randall: [in four-part harmony] Oh, really?

"Scrubs: My Fifteen Seconds (#3.7)" (2003)
[the Janitor is running the hospital PA announcement system]
Janitor: [over PA] Dr. Dorian, Dr. Turk is free for his rectal exam. He said you'd know what that means.
[J.D. and Turk give each other a horrified look, and run off in opposite directions]

"Scrubs: My Karma (#2.16)" (2003)
Janitor: Who are you?
Turk: Dr. Turk
Janitor: I don't care.

"Scrubs: My Best Friend's Mistake (#1.3)" (2001)
[to JD]
Janitor: You seem unhappy. I like that.

"Scrubs: My Waste of Time (#7.10)" (2008)
[J.D. is watching Ted and the Janitor argue]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Those two should have their own sitcom.
[cut to fantasy segment]
Ted Buckland: [singing] I'm a lawyer!
The Janitor: [singing] I'm a janitor!
Ted Buckland, The Janitor: Together we adopted a cute little kid. We're Legal Custodians!
[song ends]
Ted Buckland, The Janitor: Get it?

"Scrubs: My Fallen Idol (#5.21)" (2006)
Janitor: Knife-wrench... for kids!

"Scrubs: My Transition (#5.24)" (2006)
Janitor: It's a baby cage! It's a good one too. When I was a kid, mine didn't have these windows. It's perfect. If you want to go out to dinner, there's already like a water bottle in there so you just throw some cedar chips in there so the baby can poop, and you're made in the shade!
Janitor: I'm kidding! It's for when they buy the baby an... er... a puppy!

"Scrubs: My Fruit Cups (#2.8)" (2002)
Janitor: [J.D. and Turk have been stealing hospital supplies] Hey, have you been stealing pudding cups and toilet paper around here?
J.D.: [stammers] No! I hate pudding and I don't use... toilet paper.
Janitor: [Janitor stares]
J.D.: I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
Janitor: Bidet?
J.D.: BIDET to you sir.

"Scrubs: My Mirror Image (#6.1)" (2006)
Janitor: Hey, since we're small talking, lemme ask you a question? Do you have regrets about the way you lived your life? Because I think I do.
Dr. Kelso: You've never been to Paris and cleaned a French toilet, huh?
Janitor: Good one. No, that's not it. Come on, be straight with me. Do you think I'm wasting my life.
Dr. Kelso: Let's cut to the chase, freak show. If you're a forty-four-year-old man wearing a jumpsuit and you are not climbing into the cockpit of a rocket ship, chances are you've made a lot of wrong turns along the way. Good talk.