Jordan Sullivan
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Quotes for
Jordan Sullivan (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)

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"Scrubs: My Female Trouble (#4.10)" (2004)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Okay, this woman is horrifying, so don't panic.
Jordan Sullivan: I'll be fine.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I was talking to myself.

Jordan Sullivan: You come in here and walk around like you're the queen bee. Guess what, Missy, this is my house. You and Mr. Chestless here are over. So move on! Cause if you don't, I'm going to turn your little lame liason into a threesome, starring yours truly. And I don't kiss nice.

Jordan Sullivan: Elliot, if you can handle that sexist dirtbag in there, you can certainly handle Perry.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Why are you being so nice to me?
Jordan Sullivan: Okay, Perry occasionally talks to me at home, and he told me that you don't need him as much anymore, and it annoys the hell out of him, which of course gives me endless enjoyment.

Jordan Sullivan: You are so much stronger than all the other idiot residents around here.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Jordan? I need you to break up with someone for me.
Jordan Sullivan: Really.

Jordan Sullivan: Not so fast. You're my bitch now.

"Scrubs: My New Game (#4.3)" (2004)
Jordan: Have a good day. Try not to torture anyone so much that they take their own lives.
Dr. Cox: I'll try. You know, you're not looking as processed and overly-medicated as usual.
Jordan: That is so sweet!

Dr. Cox: There's no way in hell that I'm gonna listen to you complain about the rest of your life for the rest of my life, you got that?
Jordan: Yeah, not listening. By the way, now that we're married again, we've gotta make out new wills in case one of us dies.
Dr. Cox: Oh, God, I hope it's me.

Dr. Cox: Jordan! Will you... will you divorce me?
Jordan: Ohh, I thought you'd never ask!

Ted: Dr. Cox, remember a few years back, you asked me to look over your divorce papers to make sure "that slag would die a penniless whore"?
Jordan: Hmmm.
Ted: Sorry.
Jordan: It's okay, "slag" is kind of his pet-name for me.

"Scrubs: My New God (#5.5)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: Remind me again, why are you having our son baptized?
Jordan: Oh what do you care? You're not even going!
Dr. Cox: Fine, let him go to church. I mean I let him go to magic shows. I'll just tell him it's all a lie when he gets home, so he doesn't have any of those crazy nightmares
Jordan: By the way, I invited your sister
Dr. Cox: Oh Jordan please tell me you didn't!
Jordan: Oh I'm sorry sweetie. I don't think she'd be so upset. I'll call her and tell her not to come.
[starts laughing]
Jordan: How weird would it be if I was like that?

J.D.: He's just mad because I didn't help him move.
Jordan: Well you should have done it! Helping someone move is like oral sex, you do it once and they owe you for life.

Dr. Cox: Could I comment on the baptism dress?
Paige: I think you should wait to see the matching slippers and tiny handbag
Dr. Cox: You're actually encouraging him to cross-dress on the same day that you're introducing him to a religion that will condemn him to Hell for it. That's a trauma twofer.
Jordan: Can you two please just try to get along? Now I'm getting some blush for Jack, because this lace collar is washing out his face. Terrible.
Dr. Cox: Paige, will you just acknowledge that medicine made Mr. Donnelly better?
Paige: Fine. It was medicine.
Dr. Cox: Aha
Paige: Thank God for creating medicine
Dr. Cox: [Flipping out] A-ghe-de-geh-geh-geh!
Dr. Cox: That's it! That is it.
[Grabs Jack, who begins giggling wildly]
Dr. Cox: Now you, you may be a total goner, but God's not getting his hands on this one. No way, no how. Come on, Jackie boy, we got places to go.

Jordan: I don't think I can do this without Perry. I mean, he's my everything.

"Scrubs: My Rite of Passage (#5.2)" (2006)
Jordan Sullivan: Let's go Per!
Dr. Perry Cox: I've been waiting for an hour.
Jordan Sullivan: I know, I was leafing though a magazine and watching you on the security cameras. My favorite part is when you said "Screw her!" and then you stormed out, but then you came back because you realized:
[waves keys]
Jordan Sullivan: I have the keys!
Dr. Perry Cox: Jordan. Now that you work here *h-every* day, if the carpool torturing persists, I'm gonna put a plexi-glass separator right down the middle of the car so you can't drive me crazy - you can't, you can't, you can't. Unfortunately your door handle doesn't work from the inside, which simply means that if we're in a fiery crash you won't be able to get out. Eeh, whatever.
[Jordan walks off while Cox is still speaking. He doesn't notice]
Dr. Perry Cox: That's a risk I'm sure willing to take.
[looks up to see Jordan gone]
Dr. Perry Cox: Jorderoo?
[Jordan is watching Dr. Cox on the security monitor]
Dr. Perry Cox: Hello?
Jordan Sullivan: I'm in here! You can't see me!
Dr. Perry Cox: Jordan!

Jordan Sullivan: Sam? What are you doing back here?
Sam Thompson: Hey, lambchop. Uh, crazy story - I was, uh, I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident, and thank God I'm alive. I'd hug you but I, uh, uuuggghhh!
[wiggles handcuffed hand and chuckles]
Dr. Kelso: Jordan. This is one of our most famous con artist-slash-drug addicts.
Sam Thompson: Nice to see you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You as well. Turkleton? You've dealt with him before.
Sam Thompson: Hey, dude!
Dr. Kelso: why didn't you tell her?
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Pointing at Cox] 'Cause he told me not to!
Dr. Perry Cox: This is gonna cost you.

Dr. Perry Cox: It's a rite of passage that you have to go through around here to be accepted.
Jordan Sullivan: Oh my God! You actually did something nice for me!
Dr. Perry Cox: No, no. No-no-no-no-no-no-no. It was a selfish act. If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me!

"Scrubs: My Unicorn (#4.11)" (2004)
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ladies, I think we've learned our lesson.
Jordan Sullivan: That is not helpful, Turkleton!
Dr. Christopher Turk: I was covered in bees!

Dr. Elliot Reid: I have been kicking ass lately, but this place is such a boys' club. I still can't even get x-rays or lab tests back on time.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Hey, Elliot, if you're desperate to get things done, you could always do what Jordan does.
Jordan Sullivan: Could you move my car out of the sun? If the seat gets too hot, my thighs get all pink and sweaty.
Jordan Sullivan: Yeah. Bye-bye, security guard.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Hmm. Very classy.

Jordan Sullivan: Sweetie, you won't have to do that. Sure, if it's something really important, you might have to occasionally sleep with someone. That's how I hooked up with Perry, needed a pen.

"Scrubs: My Fallen Idol (#5.21)" (2006)
Dr. Kelso: [to Carla] I told them Dr. Cox was going to take a leave of absence due to problems at home.
[to Jordan]
Dr. Kelso: Should anyone ask, you beat him.
Jordan: Beat him. Got it.

Carla: Now, Doctor Cox needs our help getting through this. Jordan can watch him in the morning and at night, but she's also got Jack. Plus, she's not that emotionally available.
Jordan: [smiling] I'm dead inside.

Jordan: Why is there an intern in my bathroom? It's not my birthday!

"Scrubs: My Last Day (#1.24)" (2002)
Jordan: Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her! Perhaps you're afraid of something? Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for, was filled months ago! It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah! And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here...
J.D.: [thinking] Oh, please God, no.
Jordan: I slept with him... and it was good - oh! How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye!

Jordan: Look, I don't know where your mother was when she should have been telling you all of these things, but you cannot have sex with someone you care about. Sex is for making babies and revenge.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, you're so full of it.
Jordan: Listen, stick. If you want to wipe your nose and pretend that was a sneeze, I will play along, but if you have something to say, say it.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Everybody knows you're still sleeping with Dr. Cox, and it can't be about making babies 'cause you'd probably just end up eating them anyway. And, as for revenge, I'm not sure that driving to his apartment and pleasuring him while he watches SportsCenter is hurting him as much as you might think. So, I have to figure that you still care about him whether you want to admit it or not and if you lay one finger on me I'm blowing my rape whistle.

"Scrubs: My Screwup (#3.14)" (2004)
Jordan Sullivan: The only reason you're invited is that for some reason you own a Spongebob Squarepants costume.
J.D.: It was a gift!
[in his head]
J.D.: From me to me!

Jordan Sullivan: It's Jack's first birthday. I want it to be special. I got a petting zoo for the kids, and we need to figure out something great for the adults.
Dr. Perry Cox: How 'bout a russian roulette booth, and, here's the kicker. We put bullets in all the chambers. That way, everybody wins.

"Scrubs: My Half-Acre (#5.9)" (2006)
Jordan: What are you guys talking about?
Elliot: Well J.D has this...
Jordan: Already bored.

Jordan: Will you say good bye to Jack before I drop him off at preschool?
Dr. Cox: [pets his sons head] Bye, little man.
Jordan: Perry, this is your son, not a pitbull. Give him a kiss.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy. And I'm just not real big on kissing guys. I mean, when my father wanted to show me affection he would just purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.
Jordan: You are gonna be a much better dad than your dad was. Now give him a proper goodbye!
Dr. Cox: [shakes Jack's hand] Son, always a pleasure. No more kissing!
[Cox walks off]
Jordan: You're crazy!

"Scrubs: My Life in Four Cameras (#4.17)" (2005)
Carla: Well?
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, would you please repeat the question?
Carla: Are you just gonna roll over like that?
Jordan: That's weird, I asked him the same thing last night.
Carla: Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate?
Jordan: Again, last night!
Carla: You've gone soft.
Jordan: [gasps] Okay, now it's getting spooky.
Carla: Look, you're the only one who can stand up to Kelso.
Dr. Cox: Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present Man Not Caring.
Carla: Okay, Jordan, little help.
Jordan: If you don't do what she wants, I'm going to stop having sex with you and start making love... to you.
Dr. Cox: Where is that bastard? KELSO!

Jordan: Oh, for God's sake, Perry... adjust your bra, man up and fire the one with the least pathetic story.
Dr. Cox: Do you really think I know any of these people's stories?
The Janitor: Well... let me fill you in. First we have Hank: four kids, trying to make it on a dishwasher's salary. Next to him is Mike: lost half his leg in a motorcycle accident. And then there's Judy: been here 30 years... just two away from retirement.
Jordan: You're... you're friend with all these people?
The Janitor: Are you kidding me? I read their files! I read everybody's files, Ms Maniac-Depressive... Dr Drinks-a-lot...
Dr. Cox: Hold your horses...! Just tell me who the last person hired was, would you, please?
Kenny: [arriving holding a coffee pot] Looks like you folks could use a refresher! Ah, serving people like you who save lives every day makes me happier then a kitten chasing a leaky cow, ah ah ah! God bless you... God bless you...
[walks away]
Dr. Cox: I have to fire Opie, don't I?
Jordan: You think?

"Scrubs: My Urologist (#5.23)" (2006)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why are you breaking up with Keith?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look... Keith is sweet, but after watching him get walked on again this morning, I feel like I need a stronger man in my life. I want what you guys have... someone to stand up for me when I really need it, you know? Someone as confident as Turk or as brave as Dr Cox or as... I'm sorry Laverne, I don't really know your husband. What are some of Mr Roberts' good qualities?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Well, he was a roadie for Jimi Hendrix, and when it rains he carries me to the car.
Dr. Elliot Reid: And you guys have been together what... 60 years?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: I'm 48! And I'm done here.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Uhm... my bad... yeah...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [sobbing and crying] I don't want Keith to go... Elliot, I don't want Keith to go!
Jordan Sullivan: Aww... there, there...
[she starts to console her, then she pushes Carla's chair away. Elliot looks at her astonished]
Jordan Sullivan: What? "I'm pregnant... I'm crying... I'm laughing...". Enough already... it's boring.

Dr. Perry Cox: Could I... uh... could I have everybody's attention, please... Jordan's pregnant.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [to Jordan] Ah! You get over here, you!
Jordan Sullivan: Not a hug moment, sweetie.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [backs off] Right... yes, no...
Dr. Perry Cox: Uh...
[takes a pencil from a nurse's hands; speaks in a high-pitched voice moving the pencil in his hand as it was speaking]
Dr. Perry Cox: But, Dr Cox, here I though you and Jordan were done trying to have any more babies.
[in his normal voice]
Dr. Perry Cox: We were, but my vasectomy didn't take, which, apparently, is not that uncommon.
[in the high-pitched voice again]
Dr. Perry Cox: Holy crap, Dr Cox... that must have really pissed you off.
[in his normal voice]
Dr. Perry Cox: Yes, it did, actually. What is... what is your name?
[in the high-pitched voice again]
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, I'm any generic hospital worker who happens to ask you a question about your pregnancy and/or any baby-related issues.
[in his normal voice]
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, isn't that nice?...
[breaks the pencil in two pieces]
Dr. Perry Cox: This morality play was made possible by a generous grant from the Just See If I Was Kidding Foundation.

"Scrubs: My Karma (#2.16)" (2003)
Dr. Cox: [Jordan has just told J.D. that Dr. Cox is the father of her child] What are you two talking about?
J.D.: Apartheid.
Jordan: It's wrong.

Jordan: I'll say, Perry, the only way I could've felt more taken care of is if I were at a four-star resort, or a spa, or a Third World country where you've to boil your own sewage if you want something to drink. Oh, and by the way... giant, giant feather in your cap for how much power you wield in this hospital after 15 years!
Dr. Cox: Oh, come on, come on, Jordan... I'm so sorry everything fell apart today, honest to God I am; but I guarantee that when you get here tomorrow Dr Gerson will, in fact, be in the super-deluxe birthing suite, so that you can go ahead and have that storybook, drug-addled, Pitocin induced pregnancy that you've always dreamed of ever since you were a little girl. But, in the meantime, you gotta cut me a little slack. I mean, come on... it's not like I see the real father running around here busting his hump!
Jordan: Oh, that's nice! I'm going home...
Dr. Cox: No... no, you're not.
Jordan: Bye-bye...
Dr. Cox: Jordan, your water just broke.
Jordan: This kid's annoying me already...

"Scrubs: My Day at the Races (#5.3)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: Jordan, here's the plan: I'm gonna go ahead and and cram an entire evening's worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one - I've worked with her before - she has no off button.
Carla: [to Elliot] If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?
Jordan: Who's Jake?
Dr. Cox: Jordan!... No!
Elliot: He's this guy that I've been going out with for a while, but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off, you know?
Jordan: [Pointing at Cox behind her hand] Uh, sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?
Dr. Cox: Jordan Godzilla Sullivan! You stop that, and you stop it now!
Jordan: Why don't you try talking to humans for once? You might enjoy it!
Carla: Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up? You know like Turk can be a little... immature - you know, like I always have to talk about my feelings over dinner or shut off his iPod during sex. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.
Dr. Cox: Or... maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on fifty pounds, start collecting knick-knacks and meet your future now. You know... before the loneliness burns too much?
[Hopping in his seat]
Dr. Cox: Wooooo-ohhhhh!
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I did enjoy that!

"Scrubs: My Identity Crisis (#7.4)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: [examining a radiography] Yeah, that looks like a healthy bone.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Speaking of healthy bones...
Jordan Sullivan: Perry...
Dr. Todd Quinlan: One second, ma'am. I've got one in my pants. He's all yours.
Dr. Perry Cox: [to a surgeon] Why don't we go over this later? Thanks.
Jordan Sullivan: What have you been doing all day?
Dr. Perry Cox: Right up until this very moment I'd been successfully avoiding you.
Jordan Sullivan: I came to tell you I'm taking the kids to my mother's for the weekend. And seeing that you're not allowed within 40 feet of her house...
Dr. Perry Cox: The restraining order!
Jordan Sullivan: Christmas memories... anyhoo, you're staying here. I'm gonna leave you alone to celebrate.

"Scrubs: My Self-Examination (#3.21)" (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: Those pants make your ass look giant.
Jordan Sullivan: Stop doing this.
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm doing it for us. You suck at Scrabble.
Jordan Sullivan: Do I look mad?
Dr. Perry Cox: You have so much Botox in your expressionless face I can't tell.
Jordan Sullivan: Ah ah ah...
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, is that a frown?
Jordan Sullivan: What else you got?
Dr. Perry Cox: Well, when it's my turn to listen to the baby monitor, I just wait 'till you're asleep and I turn it off.
Jordan Sullivan: Perry, give it up. There's nothing you can say.
Dr. Perry Cox: Ah... You and your mother are basically the same person.
Jordan Sullivan: [whispering angrily] What did you say? I will kill you!
Dr. Perry Cox: If you don't wanna fight in front of Jack anymore, I understand; but I don't think that means we gotta stop all together. I mean, Jordan, you are an unpredictable, passionate person and you challenge me each and every day; and honestly that's the reason I can imagine being with you when I'm 70 and you're 65, and your face is 40 and your boobs are 29.
Jordan Sullivan: My face will never look 40!
Dr. Perry Cox: You're right. My bad.

"Scrubs: My Way Home (#5.7)" (2006)
Jordan: It's Jack's first birthday, I want it to be special. I got a petting zoo for the kids, and we need to figure out something great for the adults.
Dr. Cox: How about a russian roulette booth? And here's the kicker, we put bullets in all the chambers, that way *everybody* wins!
J.D.: [butting in] will there be a piñata? Because I need to know if I should bring my piñata helmet.
Jordan: Up-up-bah! The only reason we invited you is because for *some* reason, you have your own Spongebob Squarepants Costume!
J.D.: It was a gift!
J.D.: From me, to me!

"Scrubs: My Brother, My Keeper (#2.14)" (2003)
Jordan Sullivan: [Jordan is pregnant] It's kicking me.
Dr. Perry Cox: Who can blame it?

"Scrubs: My Nah Nah Nah (#8.11)" (2009)
Dr. Perry Cox: Why isn't he in preschool right now?
Jordan Sullivan: Oh, because he told me they had the day off for Yom Kipper.
Dr. Perry Cox: Yom *Kippur* was six months ago.
Baby Jack: I hate school!
Dr. Perry Cox: I've never been more proud of you.

"Scrubs: My Occurrence (#1.22)" (2002)
Jordan Sullivan: Hello, Benji. You're very pale.
Ben Sullivan: [Giggling] I miss the sweet talk.
Jordan Sullivan: Maybe it's been too long. Maybe my feelings were hurt a little bit.
Dr. Perry Cox: [Scoffs] Feelings. That's a good one.
Ben Sullivan: Jordan, you're a big girl now. When you got the divorce, you put people in the awkward position of having to choose between you and Perry.
Jordan Sullivan: But you're my brother!
Ben Sullivan: Well, admittedly, that made it harder.

"Scrubs: My Buddy's Booty (#5.11)" (2006)
Jordan: Ohh sweetie. Do you want me to call his Mommy and tell him he's being mean to you? Oh my fwiend is being mean to me waa waa waa!
Dr. Cox: nng hmm uh.

"Scrubs: My Chopped Liver (#5.17)" (2006)
Jordan: You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.
Elliot: You don't like Cox?
Jordan: Actually I love Cox.
Todd: [walks up, knocks on table] Greatest conversation ever.

"Scrubs: Her Story II (#5.10)" (2006)
Jordan: Could we go somewhere less collage-y? One of the boys here could be the baby I gave up in high school

"Scrubs: My Own Personal Hell (#5.14)" (2006)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] A local magazine named Dr Cox the best doctor in the city. Dr Cox felt this was big news.
[Cox walks in front of doctors, paramedics and patients all arranged in a row]
Dr. Perry Cox: All right! Here's how it's going to work, people. I'm going to ask each and everyone of you just exactly WHO is the very finest physician in this city, to which you will respond: "You are!". If you do not reply in a timely and exuberant fashion , my associate here will take his mop and, these are his words, not mine, "Popsicle you".
[poses a hand over Janitor's shoulder; he makes a rapid and threatening move with his mop]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now, my lovely ex-wife will demonstrate. Darling, just exactly who is the very best physician in our fair city?
Jordan Sullivan: You are! And now, as agreed, you owe me a night on the town and some "me actually getting to finish" sex.
Dr. Perry Cox: Well done. Now, down the line we go!
Person in Line #2: You are!
Person in Line: You are!
Asian Nurse: You are!
Black Nurse: You are!
Lonnie: Y'are!
[the Janitor pokes him with the mop]
Lonnie: God! Why?
The Janitor: You combined "You" and "Are", and you said "Yar". Made no sense.
Dr. Perry Cox: It's true, Lonnie. Everybody heard it. Poke him again.
[the Janitor pokes Lonnie again, he squeaks in pain. Cox notices Kelso in line]
Dr. Perry Cox: Bob Kelso... will you be joining us?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Mh? Uh... there was a line... I assumed it had something to do with cupcakes.
Dr. Perry Cox: Bob, obviously you read the article...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Perry, the last publication I read was the issue of Out my son left by the crapper when he was home this weekend asking for money. You'll never get my validation, hotshot.
[walks away, not poked by the Janitor]
Dr. Perry Cox: And just exactly where was the poke?
The Janitor: I froze. Gimme 20 bucks, I will crack him over the head.
Dr. Perry Cox: [gives Janitor the money] Only kill him if you have to.

"Scrubs: My Long Goodbye (#6.15)" (2007)
Jordan Sullivan: What's wrong with Jennifer Dylan?
Dr. Perry Cox: You named our daughter J.D...
Dr. Perry Cox: Why would you do such a thing?
Jordan Sullivan: I was hoping that you would hate the name so much that you wouldn't be able to hide your spite from your daughter and she would love me more than you.
Dr. Perry Cox: I've got to go.
Jordan Sullivan: Don't forget: momma's coming home tomorrow, so the fridge needs to be restocked with rice cakes and vodka.
Dr. Perry Cox: Jordan, while you were on bed rest for the last two months, I served as mother, father, butler, breadwinner and, thanks to our son's penchant for eating nickles and your irrational fear that they're never going to pass through his system, poo-poo sifter. I was hoping that, upon your return, you would start to assume some domestic responsibilities.
Jordan Sullivan: Pass!

"Scrubs: My Interpretation (#2.20)" (2003)
Jordan Sullivan: All right... I'll see you at home in about an hour. Remember: keep him warm, support his head, check his diaper every 15 minutes, no bouncing around, no loud noise, no TV, no poking the soft spot... and Perry, you're the only one in my life that I actually have to say this to: do not yell at, demean, insult, criticize, humiliate or mock the baby.
Dr. Perry Cox: What are you talking about?
[the baby cries a little]
Dr. Perry Cox: Waaa! And have you bothered to name this thing yet?
Jordan Sullivan: I think I'm naming him after my father.
Dr. Perry Cox: Tax Evader?
Jordan Sullivan: Quinn.
Dr. Perry Cox: How about a heterosexual name, like Jack?
Jordan Sullivan: You're right, Percival: Quinn is a foofy name...

"Scrubs: My Nightingale (#2.2)" (2002)
Jordan Sullivan: Good job, D.J.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You know, It's J.D. OK? And at least I remember the names of all MY sexual partners!
Jordan Sullivan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morningwood are extremely impressed.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Camp Meadowood. I made a lanyard.

"Scrubs: My No Good Reason (#6.14)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: OK, I made you breakfast, the kitchen's as clean as a whistle, I'm gonna drop Jack off at daycare on the way to work. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Jordan Sullivan: I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo Something-sen; I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie and a Polaroid of the tomato plant that I planted last spring because I'm worried it may have snails; oh, and if you see that neighbor Lena, from down the hall, I want you to roll your eyes and say the word "slut" under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear; and don't forget to be home by 6:30 because you gotta give Jack his bath before you make my dinner.
Dr. Perry Cox: But when will I have time to kill myself?
Jordan Sullivan: That's not my problem!...

"Scrubs: My Rule of Thumb (#3.10)" (2004)
Jordan: Have a great day today. Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share!
Dr. Cox: [smiling and waving] You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me!

"Scrubs: My Bad (#1.6)" (2001)
Dr. Perry Cox: So, how are things going in the underworld?
Jordan Sullivan: Good, and you? Still have a rollicking social life?
Dr. Perry Cox: Since I cut you loose, it's been one big party.
Jordan Sullivan: In the next five seconds, name one place, other than the hospital and your apartment, that you've been to in the last month. Five... four... three... two...
Dr. Perry Cox: My car... on the way to the... big party.

"Scrubs: My Soul on Fire: Part 1 (#8.14)" (2009)
Jordan Sullivan: The only thing better than going on vacation without our kids is going on vacation without our kids and you're too busy to spend time with me.

"Scrubs: My Changing Ways (#4.25)" (2005)
Jordan Sullivan: [entering the hospital with Cox] Have a great day, honey!
Dr. Perry Cox: [kissing her] You have even a better one, you! You do it! Yeah, yeah! You have even a better one...
[starts banging his own head against the counter]
Dr. Kelso: Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you...
Dr. Perry Cox: Bob, people have a private life and people have a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate; for instance I don't know that much about your home life, other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drains your retirement to open up a shop in Minneapolis.
Dr. Kelso: Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.
Dr. Perry Cox: Aces. And I'm guessing that's because his significant other...
Dr. Kelso: Terrence.
Dr. Perry Cox: ...Terrence doesn't follow him around the shop all day telling him just exactly what color is in this season, or showing all of the other employees that he is not in fact the boss of his own life. You see, the woman in everywhere! She's there when I work out in the morning, when I work out in the car on the way to work, and when I work out when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her, and that used to be fine when she came around for five minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity; but now I'd honestly kill myself, Bob, if I wasn't convinced that Jordan wouldn't already be there waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the River Styx.
Dr. Kelso: I'm so glad you shared...

"Scrubs: My Friend with Money (#6.5)" (2007)
Jordan Sullivan: So... you have postpartum depression.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, I have the weepies.
Dr. Christopher Turk: No, baby, you got...
Jordan Sullivan: You have no lines in this play.
Dr. Christopher Turk: OK.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Jordan, I can handle it.
Jordan Sullivan: Really? What do you got there in your hand?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: A job application for The Gap...
[starts to cry]
Jordan Sullivan: Oh, that's a good career move...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [crying and sobbing] Look, all I ever wanted was to be a mother, and now that I am one I feel like I'm not cut out for it.
Jordan Sullivan: And you're ashamed of that?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Well, wouldn't you be?
Jordan Sullivan: Yeah, I was. What's the worst feeling you've had since you've had the baby?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I don't know.
Jordan Sullivan: When Jack wouldn't stop crying I wanted to throw that bastard out the window.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Really? I wanted to throw Isabella out the window... yeah. But we just had our apartment repainted and all the window were sealed shut; so I just wanted t drop her off the roof!
[starts to cry again]
Dr. Christopher Turk: [whispering] Oh, my God!
Jordan Sullivan: Listen, you can't get rid of it by sheer force of will or positive thinking or taking advice from a big Hollywood movie star and the dead science fiction writer he worships; you need to get some help.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ah... OK.
Dr. Christopher Turk: That's what I've been trying...
Jordan Sullivan: If you talk again I'm going to eat you!

"Scrubs: My Lucky Day (#2.9)" (2002)
[Dr. Cox and the pregnant Jordan are walking through towards a Nurses' Station]
Dr. Cox: Yes, hello? Could we please get my hormonal, extremely annoying ex-wife's amnio underway?
Jordan: Wow, I can't wait to write that down in the baby journal.
[Dr. Cox grunts]
Jordan: Could you be a bigger ass right now?
Dr. Cox: Could you *have* a bigger ass right now?

"Scrubs: My Lucky Charm (#4.14)" (2005)
Dr. Perry Cox: What... what did you do around the apartment while I was gone?
Jordan Sullivan: Oh! I turned your little office into my pajama closet, I threw out everything in the refrigerator that had the word "jerky" or "whiz" on it, I got rid of all your clothes that make you look like you're 20 years old. Don't worry, I saved your hockey jerseys, although I did move them into my new pajama closet. And for some reason none of the remotes work anymore. And why are you limping?
Dr. Perry Cox: Fishing. I'm limping from fishing.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I know that limp!
Dr. Perry Cox: No, Bob... Bob, no...
Dr. Bob Kelso: You just got a vasectomy! I had mine done back in '68; ironically that was the same year that Enid discovered pasta and I discovered I'm not attracted to enormous women.
Dr. Perry Cox: I didn't just get a vasectomy...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Come on, soldier... if I have to force you to drop your pants, I will.

"Scrubs: My Old Friend's New Friend (#4.1)" (2004)
Dr. Cox: [when Turk and JD huged each other after Turk just came back from his Honeymoon] Oh wo, wo. What do we have here? The newlyweds... oh and hey Carla. Mark my words he first year of marriage is just a real treat!
[to Jordan]
Dr. Cox: Sweetheart, do you remember ours?
Jordan: The silly fighting for control!
Dr. Cox: You broke my jaw!
Jordan: You gotta stop that back-talk early. Come on, glass jaw.

"Scrubs: My Chief Concern (#8.17)" (2009)
Jordan Sullivan: [to Ted] Hey, Sweat stain! How's it going with your girlfriend now that you guys are roomies?
Ted Buckland: Oh we're having sex like all the time.
Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Jordan Sullivan, Dr. Elliot Reid: [disgusted] Oh!
Ted Buckland: Why do people react like that when they picture me having sex?
Dr. Bob Kelso: You try it!
Ted Buckland: [horrified] OH GOD!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Not a pretty sight is it?

"Scrubs: My Cookie Pants (#8.6)" (2009)
Jordan Sullivan: If you don't fix this, so help me, I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man parts until your eyes pop out.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Twenty years ago, I would have thrown you on this table and made love to you right here.
Jordan Sullivan: And I would have loved it.

"Scrubs: My Cold Shower (#6.19)" (2007)
Jordan Sullivan: Hey! So, I convinced the bartender to give us all the booze at your party for half price.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [whispering] Yes!
Jordan Sullivan: Little hitch: you're gonna have to show some boob. Apparently mine did not get us all the way there. He has a soft touch, though.
Dr. Perry Cox: Lovely...
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, and Per... you were wrong: someone is dumb enough to love me.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Where's your head right now?
[Cox's fantasy starts: Cox preparing canapés, he hands one to Elliot]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Perry, no! It goes cracker-apple-cheese, not cracker-cheese-apple! I know that we've only been married two days, Perry, but you should know this!
[Cox smiles while wrath grows inside him; in the next scene we see part of Elliot's corpse and a policeman handcuffing him]
Policeman: You're gonna fry for this, buddy.
[Cox smiles. End of fantasy]
Dr. Perry Cox: Worth it.
[smiles nastily and walks away]

"Scrubs: My Waste of Time (#7.10)" (2008)
Dr. Perry Cox: What in the hell are you talking about?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I'm just doing this thing where I use a slice of wisdom from someone else's life to solve a problem in my own life.
Jordan Sullivan: Seems coincidental.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And yet I do it almost every week.

"Scrubs: My Tuscaloosa Heart (#1.18)" (2002)
Jordan Sullivan: [bursting into Dr Cox's apartment] Hi, Honey, I'm home! You should lock your door; there's horrible people out there.
Dr. Perry Cox: There's horrible people right in here!

"Scrubs: My Fruit Cups (#2.8)" (2002)
Dr. Perry Cox: [to Jordan, who came back home pregnant] Jordan, please tell me you ate a raccoon and it's slowly making its way through your digestive system...
Jordan Sullivan: Oh, don't worry. It's not your baby. Though not for lack of trying; see
[to Julie]
Jordan Sullivan: , we have sex a lot.
Julie Keaton: Who are you?
Jordan Sullivan: Who do you think I am?
Julie Keaton: Well, you have keys to the apartment, so I'm gonna say... the maid!
Dr. Perry Cox: Julie, this is my ex-wife, Jordan. Jordan, this is my girlfriend, Julie. OK, that was a treat, wasn't it?
[to Jordan]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now, would you like me to call you a cab or should I just whistle and have the flying monkeys bring the broom around?
Jordan Sullivan: [to Julie while sitting on the sofa] Oh no. He called you his girlfriend... If I were you, I'd start gathering your tiny panties up because... I thing you're done.
Julie Keaton: I'm already bored by you. Perry, I will be in the bedroom; come join me when Tubby leaves.
[she leaves]
Jordan Sullivan: Ta.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, who did that to you?
Jordan Sullivan: Well, I was at this fabulous hotel in Greece, chock full of available, wealthy men...
Dr. Perry Cox: [interrupting her] So it was the bellboy?
Jordan Sullivan: Or busboy, or pool-boy... something "boy", I don't know. Anyway, when I first found out I was panicked; and then I thought I've kind of been drifting through life all these years... and I need to look into my heart and see what really matters to me. Anyway, I decided to keep the stupid kid.
Dr. Perry Cox: You should cut out the middle man and just have a therapist deliver him. I mean, honestly, Jordan, why are you telling me this?
Jordan Sullivan: Oh! Because I've also decided that I want you back.

"Scrubs: My Mirror Image (#6.1)" (2006)
Jordan Sullivan: [handing him a fork] Welcome home, Perry. Here's the new program: You occasionally lift a finger helping with Jack, and I'm gonna try to keep from hating the unborn baby in my belly that's made my ass so big, I can't fit the whole thing on a toilet when I pee eight hundred times a day! I can't.
Dr. Cox: You love spaghetti. You had some just last night, didn't ya?
Baby Jack: No, I didn't.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, the boy is lying to me.
Jordan Sullivan: Oh, Perry, nobody likes a tattle-tail!