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Dr. Christopher Turk (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)
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"Scrubs: My Female Trouble (#4.10)" (2004)
Harvey Corman: Hey, there's no pie here. Oh my god! You two are going to kill me!Carla: Nobody's going to kill you.
Turk: Hi, I'm Dr. Nobody.
Turk: Baby, you know if my malpractice insurance goes through the roof, you're gonna have to take a step-down lifestyle wise.
Carla: I live in a tiny apartment with my husband, his best friend, and their dead stuffed dog. What's the step down?
Carla: Girls! I want an explanation.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Fine. Turk, tell her our code.
Turk: If you haven't had sex in six months, you're not accountable for who you sleep with.
Neena Broderick: Morning. I'll see you at the deposition. I'll try not to spank your lawyer as hard as I spanked him last night.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Bye! FYI, there was no spanking last night, okay?
Carla: Really? Then this won't hurt then.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Nope.
Turk: Hit him again baby.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why?
Neena Broderick: So should we start this deposition or do you boys want to just hand us a big bag of money?
Harvey Corman: Big bag of money.
Turk: You aren't gonna freeze up around her again, are you Ted?
Ted Buckland: No chance. I'm drugged up. Plus, if I concentrate, I think I can control the excessive flop sweat I get the second she speaks!
Turk: We should take a short recess.
Neena Broderick: Believe me, you're better off.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I agree.
Dr. Bob Kelso: You're diabetic?
Turk: Yes, I told you that.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I thought you were joking.
Turk: How is that funny?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Well, it's a very serious disease and I don't like you.
Carla: JD, how could you do this to Turk? You two are so close that I occassionally have nightmares of running away together.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Where do we go?
Turk: One time we went to Aspen.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I hope it was summer. I'm not that big a skier.
"Scrubs: My New God (#5.5)" (2006)
Turk: Honey, I need to feel the heat! I need at least thirty minutes of foreplay - then, and only then, can I be fully ready... to make love to you.Carla: Tyra Banks.
Turk: [Hips thrusting] Uhhn.
Carla: There. You're ready.
Elliot: Uh, what's with the second beeper?
Turk: Carla gave it to me. She's got me on 24-hour baby-making alert. Man, we haven't had sex since her last ovulation. Did you know that women only do that once a month?
J.D.: Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor.
[thinking]
J.D.: Once a month? That's crazy!
Elliot: I don't know why I even bother ovulating. Little Hailey doesn't have a chance this month. I name my eggs - big frick. Last month it was Cassy
J.D.: Oh Cassy's pretty!
Elliot: Oh, she would have been, J.D. She would have been.
Turk: Aw, dammit, I gotta go have ovulation sex again.
J.D.: Are you actually complaining about getting to have sex? Because that is so insensitive, Turk!
Turk: J.D.!
J.D.: Let me feel my feelings, Turk! We worked on this!
[J.D. storms off]
Turk: I've really gotta stop doing that!
Elliot: You can talk to me if you want?
Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex.I don't understand any of that crazy gibberish you use. Penis is schwing-something...
Elliot: Schwing-schwong, peepers, or peep.
Turk: Right. And vagina is...?
Elliot: Disgusting! But also bajingo or hoo-hoo.
Carla: I paged you an hour ago!
Turk: I was in surgery.
Carla: Is that doughnut glaze on your cheek?
Turk: Guess we're not having sex, huh?
Carla: Oh, ho, ho, no. We're having sex. Get in there.
Turk: Wait, baby... I'm too full.
Turk: [Satisfied] Angry sex is awesome!
Elliot: Turk! Just go back to the way things were. Carla loved it. Don't you get it? Trying to make a baby with you is the sexiest thing in the world to her.
Turk: Elliot, I'm a man. I've been programmed to think that a baby is the worst possible consequence of sex
Turk: I just don't understand why we can't have fun while making a baby.
Carla: I am just so glad you have to hurt my feelings to have fun.
Turk: I can't believe you! Wha - Calm down!
Carla: Great, that's really nice for you. "Calm down"? I'm gonna kill you!
Turk: [to God] You hear that? She's gonna kill me! Get her.
Elliot: Okay, look, you two stop fighting or I will turn this church around.
"Scrubs: My Day at the Races (#5.3)" (2006)
Turk: So you wanted to talk to me about your appendectomy, missus...[looks at the chart]
Turk: Appendectomy? That ain't right!
Patient: Look, 15% of all surgical complications are anesthesia related. So I would like to use hypnosis instead of that traditional anesthesia.
Turk: Well, I would like to sleep with Beyonce instead of my wife tonight, but that ain't happening either. You know I'm saying?
Turk: My appendectomy patient wants me to use hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
Dr. Cox: Look, and I'd like to throw in Gwen Stefani tonight instead of Jordan, but that ain't gonna happen either.
Carla: Dr Cox!
Turk: Dr Cox! No! Awful!
Turk: Dr. Kelso! Do you have any idea who's gonna get those three attending spots next year?
Dr. Kelso: There are four spots for next year.
Turk: Three if you're not counting the one going to me!
Dr. Kelso: I'm gonna stick with four, Turkleton. See, there are numerous skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart -
[laughs]
Dr. Kelso: did you see the sign?
[He continues chuckling, and Turk humors him by joining in]
Dr. Kelso: Though there will be no vandalism here, people!
[Snickers]
Dr. Kelso: It was classic! Anyway, the key is doing something to get noticed.
Turk: I don't know if you know this, but tomorrow I'm doing an appendectomy using hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's about time. Hell's bells, son, when I say the name Turkleton, people laugh!
Turk: Maybe because that's not my name.
Dr. Kelso: Not yet, Turkleton! Not yet.
Turk: Why are all these cameras here?
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, this is quite the event here at Sacred Fart.
[Laughs heartily]
Dr. Kelso: I can't help it, it kills me! Yeah, we got visiting doctors, video crews, even that Japanese newsanchor who slept with me when I convinced her I was an oil tycoon.
[Turk looks over at the young Asian woman]
Dr. Kelso: If she comes over here, my name is T-Bone!
Dr. Cox: We're also getting a good bit of interest from the seismologists at CalTech, who I understand will be able to chart the magnitude of the scream emanating from your hypnosis patient, as well as, of course, the numerous afterscreams that are sure to follow.
Turk: No interviews!
Turk: What the hell was I thinking?
Carla: No, you did great, baby.
Dr. Kelso: She's right, Turkleton. Hell, without anesthesia, you made it halfway through a surgery. I bet you could publish that.
Dr. Cox: Maybe they'll put it in Almost Magazine.
Dr. Kelso: You know, Perry, it wouldn't hurt you to make some noise around here.
Dr. Cox: How's this? Blow it out your ass, Bob.
J.D.: I've done nothing - I mean I did learn another language but it was just that one where you just put a b-sound in the middle of every single word... and I was never fluent.
Turk: That secret language was so lame!
J.D.: Nobba with the ladie-bb-ys!
"Scrubs: Her Story II (#5.10)" (2006)
Carla: Hey Turk, guess what?Turk: She's not a guy honey. And besides Young Carla is a compliment
Carla: Really? So how would you feel if I'd say hey it's skinny Turk
Turk: So, when am I gonna get to meet Julie?
J.D.: Do I want her to meet Turk this soon? What if he doesn't like her?
Turk: What are you doing?
J.D.: I'm saying all my thoughts out loud so that I don't mess this relationship up
Turk: I don't understand
J.D.: I forgot, sometimes Turk is slow. You know what? It's time for her to meet the people in my life. I think she's gonna do great
Elliot: Why is Julie behind that bush crying?
J.D.: Who knows? Could be anything! You know what's interesting Turk, she's not saying that's so sad. She's actually crying
Turk: You're an Idiot
J.D.: Yes I am
Turk: If you found someone to make you happy by just sitting around and holding hands, then eventually all the other stuff won't matter
J.D.: You used to be afraid of commitment, too. Then somehow you got over it and now you're married.
Turk: That's because I was never as bad as you.
J.D.: Oh, really? Remember Whitney "The Snapper"?
Turk: Ahhhhhhhhh!
[flashback to Turk in college dorm room with attractive girl]
Turk: Thanks for paying for dinner.
Whitney: And for dessert, you're gonna get a little Whitney
[snaps]
Whitney: a-
[snaps]
Whitney: la-
[snaps]
Whitney: mode!
Turk: [makes horrified face] Get out.
Turk: [being introduced to Julie's godfather, Billy Dee Williams] Lando Calrissian!
Billy Dee Williams: Call me Billy Dee.
Turk: Yes, Lando.
"Scrubs: My Unicorn (#4.11)" (2004)
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ladies, I think we've learned our lesson.Jordan Sullivan: That is not helpful, Turkleton!
Dr. Christopher Turk: I was covered in bees!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Life in a hospital is never boring.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What the hell are you guys doing?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Practicing our slow motion run.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Makes everything seem more dramatic.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're doctors. Doctors.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Go get her, Turk!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Waaaaaaiiiiit!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, he's slow.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I love large groups of white people eating pollen.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Do you have chocolate cake today?
Male Cafeteria Worker: Nope.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Elliot, relax. I never get chocolate cake.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh right, 'cause you're diabetic. Boo-hoo! You know what, Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You created a monster. Elliot did a little tongue dance in Franklyn's ear just to get him to do her labs before mine.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: So she used her femininity! The only reason you usually get your lab work back so fast is because you always pick Franklyn to play basketball even though he always shoots his foul shots granny-style.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Franklyn, I was wondering if you could put a rush on Mr. Lowenstein's urinaylsis because I've got a really important interview for a fellowship next year.
Franklyn: No. We're done talking now.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, we can help.
Dr. Christopher Turk: No! No, you will not turn Elliot into some flirtatious manipulator. I mean, don't get me wrong, outside the hospital, Elliot with her hair up is a slammin' hottie, but in here she's an asexual mess. And that's the natural order of things and you don't mess with the natural order!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, don't listen to him. He doesn't know what he's talking about.
"Scrubs: My Jiggly Ball (#5.4)" (2006)
Keith: Nailed it!J.D.: Good job man! What did you say?
Keith: Well, I just told him there's nothing more we can do right now.
Turk and J.D.: Ohhhhh!
Keith: What?
J.D.: "Nothing more we can do right now" implies there may be something we can do tomorrow.
Keith: Well, I also said we'd make him as comfortable as possible.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Sounds like someone's getting new pillows and a comforter.
Keith: That man knows he's doomed!
[the patient happily waves at them]
J.D.: Yeeeah, I'm gonna need you to go back in there and use some from of the words die, dead, dying, deadsies, deadwood. Your choice.
Keith: What was the middle one?
J.D.: Deadsies.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Mr. Keck! What do you say we get you into surgery and take care of that hernia!
Mr. Keck: Ummm, I don't know if surgery is necessary. Last night I was in pain, so I went to a free clinic. The doctor there said surgery wasn't my only option.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Well, you're just gonna have to get him on the phone and tell him that I won't be second-opinioned by a clinic doctor who couldn't carry my jockstrap!
[Holds his hand up to J.D]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Gimme some!
J.D.: [High-fives him] Here it is.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [in Free Clinic, on the phone with Mr Keck] Yeah, I think I know this guy. Is he a cocky black doctor with a white doctor following him around and looking at him like he's in love?
J.D.: [in in Mr Kecks room]
[to Turk]
J.D.: You would make a pretty girl.
Mr. Keck: [Into phone] Yeah.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [back in Free Clinic] All right, now repeat after me...
Mr. Keck: [to Turk] "You can't decide for me, that's not your duty."
Dr. Elliot Reid: And are they both trying not to laugh at the word "duty"?
Mr. Keck: [J.D. and Turk try to hold their giggles back]
[Into phone]
Mr. Keck: Yeah. Hey, Heckle and Jeckle, you know what? No surgery.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Grabbing the phone] Who the hell is this?
Free Clinic Patient: [into Phone] Where are my shoelaces?
Dr. Elliot Reid: I said to tell him that he had a laxity in the peritoneal wall and that surgery was unnecessarily invasive! Was that so hard?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Elliot, nobody respects clinic doctors.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really, Turk? I think your hernia patient does.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Laughing] I'm not upset about that!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's obvious you are.
J.D.: It's more obvious to me, baby - I mean Turk.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, I know this place isn't the greatest, but it's not like I lie awake thinking about being yelled at by Dr. Cox or playing Jiggly Ball with the orderlies.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Guys, listen, we really need to help Elliot.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, she said she doesn't want to be helped.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: If J.D. were drowning and he told you he didn't want you to save him, wouldn't you do it?
Dr. Christopher Turk: That depends. What if there're hot chicks at the pool? Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Let's say there's no women.
Dr. Christopher Turk: There's always women at the pool, baby!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Fine. He's in a pond.
J.D.: Oh, I would never swim in a pond! They're infamous for serpents!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You could swim at the Y on Tuesdays - men only
J.D.: Have you been to the Y on man night? Not me.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: N - oka - fine! Turk's the one who's drowning!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh! So now a brother can't swim!
J.D.: Why do you have to go there?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh my God! I would rather play Jiggly Ball than try to explain this to you two idiots.
J.D.: [thinking] She's the idiot! We're doctors.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I told you guys to leave it alone.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, would you stop being so proud?
Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm proud? Carla! After the wedding, you wouldn't even take Turk's name!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I use it for official things!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Letting him call you Mrs. Turk in the bedroom isn't official.
Dr. Christopher Turk: But it is officially hot!
Dr. Elliot Reid: And Turk, you freaked out when the hernia patient listened to me over you. And J.D.! You just let the entire hospital pummel you with tennis balls because you were too proud to admit you didn't know what "Jiggly Ball" was.
Chris Turk: [while stuck in a vending machine] I paid for my Rolos! I'm getting my Rolos!
"Scrubs: My Quarantine (#4.16)" (2005)
[the hospital is under quarantine]Dr. Perry Cox: Let's bear in mind that we are shorthanded: There are only four doctors here.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I counted more than that.
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm talking legitimate doctors, turtle-head. Here pee-pants is a pathologist, so he doesn't count. Johnson is a dermatologist, which is Greek for "fake doctor," and please don't even get me started on you four surgeons.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: There's only two of us.
Dr. Perry Cox: You are so very useless, I counted you both twice.
[Carla leads Turk into a patient's room]
Dr. Christopher Turk: I'm bored. I'm a surgeon and there's no surgery.
Carla: Why do you think I brought you in here? We're short-handed; Mr. Denson needs his bedsores redressed.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, that's nurse stuff; I don't have the expertise.
Carla: Turk, any idiot can be a nurse.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I know, I just think -
[Carla shoves Turk hard]
Carla: I knew you thought that - I knew it!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You tricked me...
Dr. Perry Cox: So, Nurse Gandhi-rella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths. Happy ending optional - his choice, not yours.
Dr. Christopher Turk: This guy's in a coma.
Dr. Perry Cox: Not all of him.
Danni Sullivan: Hey, didn't I go to your wedding?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, you threw up on my Gram-Gram.
Carla: The worst first date that I ever had was with this guy who took me to this dump of a pizza parlor, right -
Dr. Christopher Turk: You know what? Really don't want to hear about this one, okay?
[Turk turns and nears Dr. Cox, who's talking to a separate group of people]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and she didn't like the pizza I ordered because it had anchovies on it. Can you believe that?
[Turk hurriedly turns back to Carla's story]
Carla: ...it had *anchovies.*
[back to Cox]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and pineapples.
[back to Carla]
Carla: ...and pineapples.
[back to Cox]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and red peppers.
[back to Carla]
Carla: ...and green peppers.
[Turk relaxes]
Carla: Wait - red peppers.
Dr. Christopher Turk: No!
"Scrubs: My Way Home (#5.7)" (2006)
J.D.: And when we die, where do meet in Heaven?Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud!
J.D.: I'll see you 'dere, bro! I love religion.
J.D.: Just try and imagine what they're going through. I mean, sometimes I think about what it's gonna be like when you die.
Turk: Because you think I'm going first due to my diabetes.
J.D.: Right. And where do we meet up in Heaven?
Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud!
J.D.: I'll see you there, playah! I love religion. The point is, Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you without being totally honest with me, you know where they'd end up?
Turk: In Hell, watching 'The View'!
J.D.: Next to the super high, unreachable cupcake table.
J.D.: Right, And where do we meet up in heaven
Turk: by the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud
J.D.: And where do we meet up in heaven?
Turk: By the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud!
J.D.: I'll see you there, playa! I love religion.
Turk: Now how do I tell these people they should let their son go?
J.D.: Just try and imagine what they're going through. I mean, sometimes I think about what it's gonna be like when you die.
Turk: Because you think I'm going first due to my Diabetes.
J.D.: Right. And where do we meet up in heaven?
Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud!
J.D.: I'll see you there playa! I love religion. The point is Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you without being totally honest with me, you know where they'd end up?
Turk: In hell watching 'The View'!
J.D.: Next to the Super High Unreachable Cupcake Table.
"Scrubs: My Rite of Passage (#5.2)" (2006)
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Hey, how come Elliot never invites us over to her hospital?Nurse Carla Espinosa: She probably doesn't want you guys embarrassing her.
Dr. Christopher Turk: How would we embarrass her?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, maybe by diagnosing all your female patient with Turk-Fever.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Honey, a lot of women suffer from that.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: It's true, I even had it.
Dr. Christopher Turk: How do I know this guy?
Dr. Perry Cox: Maybe you used to date him?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh that's so clever. I'm gay! Wow! It's good!
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm tired.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: How funny is this joke: That patients tumor is so big it's starting to look like a three-mor.
Keith: [walking by, fake laughing] Three-mor... you are hilarious Dr D.!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Awful! Awful! Awful!
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh. Would everyone please watch this? Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy. He leads off with the Chin Quiver.
[Thompson does so]
Dr. Perry Cox: Then he goes right to the Look Away.
[Thompson drops his eyes, and waves off Jordan's hand on his shoulder]
Dr. Perry Cox: He tries to hold it back but he just can't because there's too much pain!
[Thompson's body shudders]
Dr. Perry Cox: And then finally, he squeezes out one single... tear
[mock cries and leads the applause]
Dr. Perry Cox: ... Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theatre!
Dr. Christopher Turk: I can't watch this.
Nurse Roberts: Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.
Jordan Sullivan: Sam? What are you doing back here?
Sam Thompson: Hey, lambchop. Uh, crazy story - I was, uh, I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident, and thank God I'm alive. I'd hug you but I, uh, uuuggghhh!
[wiggles handcuffed hand and chuckles]
Dr. Kelso: Jordan. This is one of our most famous con artist-slash-drug addicts.
Sam Thompson: Nice to see you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You as well. Turkleton? You've dealt with him before.
Sam Thompson: Hey, dude!
Dr. Kelso: why didn't you tell her?
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Pointing at Cox] 'Cause he told me not to!
Dr. Perry Cox: This is gonna cost you.
"Scrubs: Her Story (#4.5)" (2004)
J.D.: Half of what rappers say doesn't make any sense. Like that Snoop Dogg Dr.Dre song? What is "still hittin' them corners and those ho-hos girl" mean?Turk: Many diadvantaged African-Americans have limited nutritional choices, therefore they must subsist of Ho-Ho snack cakes. It's a black thing, bra.
Dr. Clock: Actually, Turk, it's "still hittin' them corners and those low-lows girl". It's low-lows, not ho-hos.
Elliot: See, Turk, in the hood, a low-low is a low rider, or a car with an adjusted suspension which allows it to bounce up and down.
[Elliot and Molly both inmitate bouncing]
J.D.: [laughs] Ha-ha-ha.
Elliot: And Dre and Snoop like driving around together in their low riders around the corners, or lizzle-rizzles.
[starts rapping]
Elliot: I'm representin' for them gangsters all across the world!
Dr. Clock: Still hittin' them corners and them low-lows girls!
Elliot, Dr. Clock: I'm takin' my time to perfect the beat, and I still got love for da street!
Carla: Turk, you just got schooled on rap by the two whitest chicks in America!
Turk: None of you can prove it.
J.D.: I got it on tape.
Elliot, Dr. Clock: Whicka, whicka, whicka.
[imitating scratching discs]
Turk: Well, you're better off watching good ol' Papa Smurf, here! Yeah, he says leadership boils down to three things: Smurferation, Smurferation, Smurf.
J.D.: Preparation, Inspiration, and Fear?
Turk: You know it.
Turk: Dude, I've got my own problems! I've got a bedtime again! I haven't had a bedtime in like twelve years!
J.D.: You had a bedtime when you were seventeen?
Turk: No! Not every night. On the weekends I didn't have to be in bed by 11, but I had to be in my room.
J.D.: Oh. That's way cooler.
Turk: The point is Carla's setting some kind of record on being a major pain in the ass, and I can't help you.
Carla: Turk! It's bedtime.
Turk: Baby, when you said we'd go to sleep at the same time, I thought you meant you'd stay up until I went to sleep.
Carla: [snickering] Turk. That's crazy talk!
Turk: The guys are here and it's the ninth inning!
Carla: Mm? Wha? Wha? Oooh. It's morning already?
Turk: No. But I could see how you'd think that, being that it's light out and we're in bed. Baby, since we got married, I've done every little thing you've asked me to do. But I will not have my woman tell me when I need to go to bed! Okay!
Carla: Okay.
Turk: Really, that quick?
Carla: I love it when you're all "my woman this, my woman that."
"Scrubs: My Conventional Wisdom (#6.20)" (2007)
Dr. Christopher Turk: How are you doing?Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Not too bad, considering I just had a bomb dropped on me.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh no, that was bigger than a bomb, more like an asteroid about to hit the planet, you know? People running in the streets screaming "Oh my god, it's coming right at us!", and then dudes turning to hot chicks and being all like "Look, we're about to die so can I hit that?", and then the girls like "Hell to the no!", but then she realizes, "Oh my god, I'm about to die, so you know what? Yeah you can hit this, but no kissing."
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's exactly what it's like!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Say I was too nervous to hit on that girl over there what advice would you give me?
Old M.C.: Bust a move.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Alright, alright. What if a great song comes on and I'm too shy to get down, what should I do?
Old M.C.: Bust a move.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You're awesome, man, what are you drinking, we'll buy you one.
Old M.C.: Bust a move.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why would you tell me you miscarried our child when you clearly didn't?
Dr. Kim Briggs: That's probably a question I should answer more face to face after the lecture.
[stammering]
Dr. Kim Briggs: Are there any other questions? Yes, you sir.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, uh, I think you should answer his question.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [thinking] How did he get over there so fast?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [out loud] You're a good friend.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I got your back.
Dr. Kim Briggs: [breathing deeply] Anyone else have a question? Yes you i-in the back.
Old M.C.: Bust a move!
Dr. Kim Briggs: Really more a statement than a question, but thank you.
Dr. Christopher Turk: So when the conference starts, I pretend to choke, and you say, "Is there a doctor in the house?" It's going to kill.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yeah, but don't really choke, 'cause that wouldn't be funny.
"Scrubs: My Extra Mile (#5.15)" (2006)
Dr. Christopher Turk: The aliens are here... and they're wearing track suits!Dr. Munson: Ok ok, so you're both fertile yet you're still unable to conceive, so. How often to you make love?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Twice today...
Carla: Actually it was three times.
[looks at Turk]
Carla: You were asleep for the last one.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh wow, that really happened? I thought it was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams.
Carla: He is not allowed to dream about me. It gets too freaky in there.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Cirque de Soleil freaky. One time, she was skinless.
Dr. Munson: Ok, stress is often a factor in conception. So tell me, do you think stress might be an issue?
[flashback]
Carla: I swear. If you don't knock me up tonight... no more sex until you steal me a baby. So do it right this time.
[back to presence]
Dr. Christopher Turk: A little stress
[Carla gestures a "tiny bit" with her fingers]
Dr. Christopher Turk: I'm so sick of this. If the jobs were given to whoever's the best surgeon, I would get all three of those damn spots.
Dr. Elliot Reid: It's the same on the medical side, I swear. The only reason I got that oncology rotation is because I let Dr. Morgan take me as his date to his brother's wedding.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ricky Morgan?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Mm-hmm
Dr. Christopher Turk: He works in the cafeteria.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [shocked] What?
Carla: How was your first stress-free day?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Horrible. And you?
Carla: Worse. Let's make a baby. If it doesn't work this time I'll kill myself.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [looking extremely shocked] Not helping with the stress.
"Scrubs: My Cake (#4.6)" (2004)
Carla: Welcome to Turk's head. You look hot!Dr. Clock: Wait a minute... you're not a lesbian.
Carla: I am in here.
Dr. Clock: Yeah... me too!
[they lean in to kiss]
J.D.: [waking up] Dammit! Molly, you're a shrink: why is it my daydreams always end right before the sexy part?
Dr. Clock: I don't know, maybe we should work on that... together.
[leans in to kiss him]
J.D.: [waking up] Dammit!
Turk: Dude! Relax!... and enjoy hot chocolate loooove.
[leans in to kiss him]
J.D.: Snap out of it! Abort! ABORT!
J.D.: [waking up] STOP IT! I DON'T HAVE GAY JUNGLE FEVER!
Turk: Okay, we should go!
Carla: Yeah!
Carla: Baby, what do you want for lunch today?
Turk: Baby, please, not in front of her.
Dr. Clock: Turk, why are you not comfortable around me?
Turk: You have the ability to get in people's heads. And I don't want you to take this negatively or anything like that, but that makes you a Devil Woman.
Dr. Clock: Please, I mean, who could imagine what it's like in your head?
J.D.: It was all right; we spent most of the time dealing with the headstone problem. See, since Dad was an office supplies salesman, he wanted it to be shaped like a pencil.
Turk: So?
Dan Dorian: So, it looked like a giant marble penis - which I maintain, Dad would have liked even more.
Carla: You're not allowed to get sick, you're my "Superman." I mean, if you're in bed, who's going to give me my back rubs, or unscrew the peanut butter jar, or... walk around all day in my new high heels just to stretch them out.
Turk: [quickly, to Molly] She's kidding! I've never done that.
[quietly, to Carla]
Turk: Not in front of the Devil Woman.
"Scrubs: My Lucky Charm (#4.14)" (2005)
Billy Callahan: I'm supposed to be in Florence by midnight.Turk: How the hell are you going to do that?
Billy Callahan: Her apartment is two blocks away. Should be no problem at all.
[a patient has just scared J.D]
J.D.: Ohh, you think scaring people's funny, huh? Well, good! Because you're dying!
Turk: John Dorian, you are a doctor!
J.D.: Well, he started it!
J.D.: Hey that is a cool tattoo, my brother!
Billy Callahan: Oh yeah! Got this snuck on a plane, thought I was going to Belgium ended up in Kenya. Long story short, I hung out with this tribe, where the males go through adolescance, they get this tattoo. It means "Alias".
J.D.: Oh, why Alias?
Billy Callahan: It's their favorite show.
J.D., Turk: Ohhhhh.
Billy Callahan: I'm only kidding, I don't know what it means.
Turk: Heard you guys were fighting.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: We made up.
The Janitor: No they didn't. Chop-busting.
[dusts Turk's shoulder with a feather duster]
The Janitor: And Doc-dusting.
Turk: Well Elliot, you don't look too banged up about it. You got your arm around Carla.
Dr. Elliot Reid: My hand is stuck in this rats nest she calls hair.
"Scrubs: My Intern's Eyes (#5.1)" (2006)
Carla: Here you go, Baby.[gives Turk a sandwich]
Carla: I know you love foreplay but I only have 5 minutes so I gave you a sandwich.
Turk: [looking at the sandwich] It's the sexiest thing I've ever seen.
Carla: Over here Turk...
Turk: By the way, Elliot what are you doing here?
Carla: Oh she hasn't talked to anyone at her new hospital
Elliot: How did this conversation become about me?
Turk: Elliot, why are you here?
Elliot: Oh, I have to make Kelso think that I still work here so he doesn't have me arrested for stealing medical supplies.
Carla: I just want a baby so badly...
Turk: Why? What's it gonna be like having a baby?
Carla: Dr. Cox said it's like having a dog that slowly learns how to talk.
Turk: Awesome!
"Scrubs: My Malpractical Decision (#4.9)" (2004)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Hey, Night School! Mr. Corman followed us home last night!Dr. Christopher Turk: How'd you get my cell phone number?
The Janitor: Ehh, once you've got somebody's driver's license and a urine sample, you can get just about anything. How do you fail 8th grade gym?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You better stop messing with my husband.
The Janitor: You better tell him to stop messing with my walls.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You did this?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, you know you're my world.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I'm out.
The Janitor: I flunked gym too. Didn't like the shorts.
Dr. Christopher Turk: J.D., big news! Guess what my new cell phone number spells?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why'd you get a new cell phone number. Your old number spelled kufunninapuh.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, well this one's 916-Call-Turk. Yeah, so now all you gotta do is call Turk!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: How am I supposed to remember that? I'm begging you, stick with kufunninapuh.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Come on, man, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me besides getting married.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: She's not here.
Dr. Christopher Turk: It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Harvey Corman: I thought we could head over to my tennis club. I'll show you what's going on with my serve. Can you hop a tall fence? I'm a little behind on my dues.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Sure, a black guy breaking into a country club. Mm, nothing bad could happen there!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: But CALL-TURK is eight numbers.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I know, actually it's just CALL-TUR, but I'm hoping people will dial the K anyway.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'll always dial the K for you.
Dr. Christopher Turk: You're a good friend.
"Scrubs: My New Game (#4.3)" (2004)
J.D.: So! How you guys gonna celebrate your divorce?Turk: By not inviting you!
J.D.: Oh my God! Dude! I doubted you for a second, why are you so mad?
Turk: Maybe I needed you to believe in me!
Carla: I believe in you, baby.
Turk: Yeah, but we're married - that doesn't count.
Turk: Look J.D, I've gotta go, I can't be late... I got a new attending-plus, he's a question talker.
J.D.: What's a question talker?
The New Attending: Do I want you to be on time, Dr. Turk? Yes I do, Am I going to remember this? Of course I am.
J.D.: Look, man, it was one second of doubt, okay? Since when do you care what anybody else thinks?
Turk: I don't. I care what you think.
"Scrubs: My Overkill (#2.1)" (2002)
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: How could you let a woman kick you out of your own bed?Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, why you have to be so cranky in the morning?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head-to-foot.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I'm going out for Mexican food tonight. And I'll see you in bed, my friend.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: First off, I want to thank you all for agreeing to talk.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Bambi, you paged us here.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Be that as it may, I think there are some simple solutions. Dr. Cox, you're angry with me.
Dr. Perry Cox: No, I'm not.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: And you won't admit this, but you're in love with Carla.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, he's not.
Dr. Perry Cox: Actually, I am.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're starting again!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Carla, you're mad Turk didn't trust you enough to tell you.
Dr. Christopher Turk: See, trust, woman, trust!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Whatever, the point is that Turk is sorry.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Not anymore.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I can't believe you thought he was a threat!
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm a threat.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're not in love with me, you idolioze me.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: If we could just try to stay focused...
Dr. Christopher Turk: You're mad because I'm scared of losing you?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Yes, because we're stronger than that!
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] Apparently not!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You should be glad I never took our relationship for granted, you silly woman!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: If we could just refrain from name-calling...
Dr. Perry Cox: Oprah's right!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Lay off of him!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're just pissed because you're still in love with your ex!
Dr. Perry Cox: [slams his fist down on the table] Okay, that's it! Now, I have killed for so much less than that, and I'll damn sure do it again unless you all shut the hell up right now, and I MEAN NOW!
[they all disperse]
"Scrubs: My Cookie Pants (#8.6)" (2009)
[J.D. and Elliot are in bed at night. The apartment door squeaks open, and an ascending piano scale plays]Elliot: [whispers] J.D., someone's in the house!
J.D.: [yells] Turk, get out of here!
[a descending piano scale plays, and the door closes]
J.D.: [scene cuts to Turk sitting on a park bench with Elliot's plate of cookies]
Turk: Pull that piano crap on me?
[scoffs]
Turk: Please!
Elliot: Turk, I need some help with J.D.
Turk: OK, you guys are back together. I get that. It's great. You're a fit. I just don't want to get caught in the middle again.
Elliot: [with street accent] Well, you shoulda thought of that before you jacked my cookies! You're in.
Turk: [sotto voce] stupid sweet tooth...
Turk: Now we are ready to close the incision. Are there any questions?
The Janitor: [Dressed in scrubs and gloves] I don't think you're doing it right.
Turk: Get out of here!
The Janitor: Can I just touch the heart?
"Scrubs: My Mirror Image (#6.1)" (2006)
Carla: [J.D. tells Carla, Elliot, and Turk that Kim is pregnant] I'm sorry J.D. but you knew this could happen when you had sex.Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I have to tell you guys something but you have to promise not to laugh. Ok?
[Carla, Elliot, and Turk agree]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ok, on the night of said conception, ah, Kim and I nude-ed up, and um, the dirty talk began and I got a little over excited.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oooh, She like a the dirty talk!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, I do. I find it gets the ladies going. But I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself, especially when I use some of my different voices.
Dr. Elliot Reid: He does.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anywho, there was some unexpected friendly-fire, and uh, even though I never got a chance to enter the, the village, ah, there was an air strike on one of the outlying regions.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Turk yells excitedly and Carla pulls his ear to stop him] Thank you.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anyway, I talked to the gals in O.B.G and they said it's not uncommon for a woman to get pregnant even if there was no actual penetration.
Dr. Christopher Turk: What your trying to tell us is that you never actually had sex with her?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [after a brief pause] I didn't have a condom.
[Muffled giggles from Turk, Carla, and Elliot]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And ah, we decided not to have sex because, here's the kicker, I didn't want to get her pregnant.
[Carla, Elliot, and Turk break out in hysterical laughing]
J.D.: My life is over.
Dr. Cox: Oh come on, you gotta focus on the positives. For instance, the medical miracle that is one woman actually impregnating another woman.
[claps his hands together]
Dr. Cox: Sha-daisy!
[J.D. walks away]
Turk: Coincidentally, I have a cousin named Shedaisy.
Dr. Cox: WHAT?
Turk: Yo, Elliot... what's your ringtone?
Dr. Elliot Reid: "Jesus, Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: I'm carrying underwood right now. See, that's funny because it's true.
[holds up his hand for a five, but Elliot looks disgusted]
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Please?
"Scrubs: My Own American Girl (#3.1)" (2003)
Dr. Moyer: You called me in from home to do an abdomile CAT scan that could wait until Monday morning? Well guess what? It's not happening.J.D.: Look, Dr. Moyer...
Dr. Moyer: [throwing a tantrum] These are my machines!
Carla: Sir...
Dr. Moyer: [ANGRY] My machines!
Chris Turk: Who's machines?
Dr. Moyer: They're my machines!
J.D.: [to Turk] How is that helpful?
Dr. Moyer: [throwing his arms up & down] They're mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! My machine! My machine!
[again and again until scene ends]
Dr. Elliot Reid: You know what I realized when I was dragging my car door around- I cannot remember the last good thing that happened to me at this place. I mean, what is it about me that makes everybody walk all over me?
Carla: No self-confidence.
Chris Turk: You can be a baby sometimes.
J.D.: Your voice gets really high when you're upset.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [in a high voice] Rhetorical question, ok?
"Scrubs: My Missed Perception (#5.6)" (2006)
Dr. Elliot Reid: I should have just believed Mr Peele. I mean, it's not like somebody just poos their pants for no reason.J.D.: Turk did that in college on a bet.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Carla didn't know that story, thank you.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Frick, it's Mrs. Peele. One of us has to talk to her.
Dr. Christopher Turk: All right, the first one who chugs their slushie is off the hook. Come on, here we go!
[he takes a big sip of his slushie]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Owww! Brain Freeze!
Mrs. Peele: Why is my husband being discharged?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Mrs Peele. We really can not judge...
Dr. Christopher Turk: [screaming] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Dr. Elliot Reid: [embarrased, to Turk] Come on!
Dr. Christopher Turk: It's so cold!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Mrs Peele, even though Dr Turk is currently incapacitated by his cherry flavored bawl he's a fantastic surgeon.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [giving her the thumbs up, still in pain] Uh-huh.
Dr. Elliot Reid: He didn't find anything and I am a great doctor...
[Turk makes signs which tell that Elliot is not such a great doctor]
Dr. Elliot Reid: - and I didn't either. Don't you think that, maybe, the pain could all be in his head?
Mrs. Peele: Last week, we were watching TV and he was in too much pain to get up and use to bathroom. So he soiled himself, on the couch, right in front of our son. How do you explain that?
Dr. Christopher Turk: [normal again] Maybe there was a really good game on television.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Probably not.
"Scrubs: My Occurrence (#1.22)" (2002)
Dr. Christopher Turk: Chop Chop, NancyDr. John "J.D." Dorian: Rapido!
Todd Quinlan: Dr. Wen wanted to know if you have the wrong patient; cause our appendectomy patient--that dude doesn't have an appendix!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah? Wow..
Todd Quinlan: Whoa!!! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!??!?!????
"Scrubs: My First Kill (#4.4)" (2004)
Turk: Hey. Baby. I'm gonna head home and watch some television with Rowdy.Carla: Rowdy? NO! Um, you shouldn't go home.
J.D.: Why?
Carla: I need you to go somewhere for me. I want you to go to a... STRIP CLUB!
Turk: Okay!
J.D.: Hey, Turk, can I talk to you for a second?
Turk: Can't talk now! Good stuff's happenin'!
Turk: Wow, isn't that a shocker, you don't care about something that's important to me. You know what? Why don't you just throw him out?
J.D.: Don't listen to him! He's drunk on cheese!
"Scrubs: My Half-Acre (#5.9)" (2006)
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, I need you to volunteer to speak at the clinical care conference this weekendTurk: Yeah... I don't see that happening Bobby.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Turk: It's not like you're the king around here.
J.D.: How did you know I'd move to fast with Julie?
Dr. Cox: How do you know that I can be that kind of dad?
Turk: How did you that Kelso just wanted respect?
Elliot: Because I know you!
Carla: Because I know you!
Janitor: Because I know him!
Todd: [watches it on the security camera] This is so cool!
"Scrubs: My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby (#6.2)" (2006)
Turk: Is he coming? Is he coming?Elliot: Turk, she's barely in labor.
[Pointing at Carla]
Carla: He's not talking about the baby.
[J.D. enters]
Turk: He's here, and now we can have our baby!
J.D.: Should I get a baby too?
Turk: I'm a little preoccupied right now. Why don't you ask your unicorn?
J.D.: Ah, this is way over Justin's head... he's never been in love. Not real love, anyway...
"Scrubs: My Day Off (#1.9)" (2001)
J.D.: I just want you to know... if I ever need surgery again, I want you to be the one inside me.Turk: I want to be the one inside of you.
J.D.: [JD needs an appendectomy, and asks Carla who the surgeon will be] Yeah, but who's the intern who's going to be doing all the work?
Turk: [slides into JD's room dancing and singing] I get to cut you open, I get to cut you open!
"Scrubs: My Office (#4.2)" (2004)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Cox is naming ass-face, here, at 3. It's too late.Nurse Carla Espinosa: Well maybe it's not too late.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah it is, Carla.
Dr. Molly Clock: Maybe it's not.
Dr. Elliot Reid: You know what, you're right, Molly. Maybe it isn't!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What the hell?
Dr. Christopher Turk: They're all against you!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Why don't we just reach up there and tug that bad boy out?
Dr. Cox: It's not a rabbit in a hat. If you tug on it, it's going to break; and if it breaks, he's going to need surgery; and if you perform it, then, of course, he's going to need a casket. Sooo, why don't you just play quietly in your area until the crowd arrives.
"Scrubs: My Number One Doctor (#7.6)" (2007)
Turk: Someone wrote that she's sick of me saying 'that's what I'm talkin' bout' but sometimes it is what I'm talkin' aboutJ.D.: You're my closest friend; in college we shared the toothbrush
Turk: I was not aware of that
"Scrubs: My Best Moment (#4.12)" (2004)
Dr. Kelso: Well then, I'm going to need you to get me a Three T form!Turk: Yes!... Uh, what's a Three T form?
Dr. Kelso: Tough Titties Turkleton!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Parlez-vous Français?
[Translation: Do you speak French? ]
Turk: You know, I did learn a little when my high school class went to France, but that was just stuff to pick up chicks.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Turk, je crois que Tyler se sentirais mieux s'il pouvait observer l'opération, d'accord?
[Translation: I really think it would make Tyler feel better if he could watch, OK? ]
Turk: J'ai... euh... Tour d'Eiffel pantalon.
[Translation: I have... an... Eiffel Tower... in my pants. ]
Dr. Elliot Reid: What?
Turk: Pamplemousse!
[Translation: Grapefruit! ]
"Scrubs: My Musical (#6.6)" (2007)
Patient #1: My stomach hurts.Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] Check the poo.
Patient #2: Sprained my ankle.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [singing] Check the poo.
Patient #3: I was shot.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] Check the poo.
Delivery Man: A homeless guy spit poo in my eye!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [singing] Check the poo.
Delivery Man: Mine or his?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] First him, then you.
Patti: [singing] What's going to happen? / What does the future hold? / So many things that I've put off / Assuming I'd have time / Assuming I'd grow old. / What's going to happen? / And will I be alive tomorrow? / What's going to happen... / To me?
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] You're going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, The Janitor, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Doug Murphy, Ted Buckland: That's what's going to happen. / Everything's okay. / We're right here beside you / We won't let you slip away. / Plan for tomorrow / 'Cause we swear to you, / You're going to be okay.
Patti: I'm going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's what's going to happen.
Patti: Everything's okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso: Everything's okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Bob Kelso: We would never leave you.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: Right here we will stay. / Plan for tomorrow, / 'Cause we swear to you / You're going to be okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [last sung line of the episode] We hope.
Dr. Perry Cox: Shhhhhh.
"Scrubs: My Sex Buddy (#2.11)" (2003)
Dr. Cox: Oh, joy. I get to work on Mrs. Credin with the Wonder Twins. Dear Lord, what in thy most Holy Name have I done to offend thee so?Elliot: My brother Bradley and I used to always pretend that we were the Wonder Twins. He would always become "form of a dragon" and then I would want to be a dragon too, but he said I'd be something made of water, so I'd be like "shape of an ice dragon"! And then he would say that I was copying him and he'd breath on me and I'd have to melt, but it was still *so* awesome.
Dr. Cox: That's funny, I don't recall asking for a really
[x10]
Dr. Cox: , ree-heeely boring story. My God, Barbie! Don't you understand no one cares?
Turk: I care.
Dr. Cox: Correction: no one important cares.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating, walking on a hallway with Turk, approaching Elliot] OK, just give her a casual nod. You don't wan't turk to know what's going on.
Turk: [they walk past Elliot uneventfully] Dude, you're totally hitting that!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: How do you do that?
Turk: It's a gift. Now you remember what happened last time you two got together, right?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh relax, man. We're just having some fun.
Turk: What, you guys are sex buddies or something?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [J.D. imagines a fanfare] Fo'shizzle.
"Scrubs: My Fifteen Minutes (#1.8)" (2001)
J.D.: [as Robin] Holy inferiority complex, Batman! Why am I the sidekick in my own fantasy?Turk: [as Batman] It could be worse. You could be the butler.
J.D.: [as Alfred] Damn you... Sir.
"Scrubs: My Turf War (#6.18)" (2007)
Turk: Does heart trouble run in your family?Delivery Man: My uncle was shot in the heart.
"Scrubs: My Kingdom (#2.19)" (2003)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [J.D. is hanging from the flagpole by his underwear] Am I the only one they've ever done this to?Dr. Christopher Turk: No, man, they did this to Frank Fratcherman.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Who's Frank Fratcherman?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Okay, you're the only one.
"Scrubs: My Identity Crisis (#7.4)" (2007)
Dr. Christopher Turk: [about Carla's Dream] That is a weird dream.Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yeah, I don't even like waterparks... I mean I did 'til someone thought it'd be funny to go down the slide two seconds after me.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, the lifeguard told me to go.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Really? Did he also tell you to take your trunks off, Turk? Because the last thing a guy wants to see when he's in a splash pool is his best friends junk headed towards him at forty miles per hour... felt like I got pistol-whipped!
"Scrubs: My Self-Examination (#3.21)" (2004)
Turk: Oh my God! My future brother-in-law is an evil genius!"Scrubs: My Best Laid Plans (#4.19)" (2005)
Dr. Christopher Turk: [J.D. returns from his girlfriend's apartment] Hey hey, here he is! My buddy hit it and quit it, didn't he?J.D.: [narrating] Hell no.
J.D.: Hell yes! Now if you'll excuse me it's time for my nightly ritual.
J.D.: [narrating] Pleasure myself, weep, and repeat.
"Scrubs: My Brother, My Keeper (#2.14)" (2003)
J.D.: I still can't believe I power-walked 'butt-naked' through the halls of the hospital last night.Turk: My man, I know that wasn't you.
J.D.: How?
Turk: I'm not really proud of this, but I can pick your puff-'n'-stuff out of a line-up.
J.D.: Oh, it changed since you saw it - it got a haircut.
"Scrubs: My Bright Idea (#5.16)" (2006)
Carla: I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.Turk: I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy rings we're good to go.
Carla: Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.
Turk: OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.
"Scrubs: Our Driving Issues (#9.12)" (2010)
Dr. Bob Kelso: Anyway, I got a little bit light-headed, so we're going to run some tests.Dr. Christopher Turk: I wouldn't worry about it. A few years back, I uh... I got a little light-headed myself. Turns out it was... well, it was diabetes. That's a bad example...
"Scrubs: My Roommates (#4.18)" (2005)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Seeing Perry and Ron together] This is pretty great! You two have been friends for a long time, and integrated friendship: white guy and black guy...Ron Laver: I believe the term is AFRICAN-AMERICAN!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [mumbles] Turk lets me call him brown bear.
Ron Laver: Who the hell is Turk?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [At the End of the episode]
[while hugging Turk]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm so happy to have my African American friend back.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, call me brown bear.
"Scrubs: My Dumb Luck (#7.9)" (2008)
Ted: [Seeing Turk and J.D. hug] I need one of those.J.D.: A hug?
Ted: No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.
Turk: I should be offended, but he's right.
"Scrubs: My Bad Too (#7.7)" (2008)
Dr. Christopher Turk: Her not knowing I understand Spanish is like having a secret power. It got me flapjacks for dinner.Dr. Bob Kelso: You got Brinner? Daamn Turkledawg!
"Scrubs: My Therapeutic Month (#6.10)" (2007)
Dr. Christopher Turk: [while in J.D.'s new apartment][looks up at the ceiling fan]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Awesome ceiling fan.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [switches to Turk getting a cast on his arm back at Sacred Heart] What happened? Is everything all right?
Dr. Christopher Turk: It was a TOTALLY un-avoidable accident!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [J.D. does his thing when he looks up to a flashback]
[turk is playing the classic hand game while sticking his hands in between the blades of the fan]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Check out the cool moves!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's awesome!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You wanna see awesome? Turn it up!
[J.D. turns around to turn up the fan, and then a loud thud is heard and he sees Turk is stuck on the blades and is flying around the room]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Whoa! Turn it off!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [switch falls off] This thing came off!
Dr. Christopher Turk: AUGHHHHHH!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [switch back to present] He was a beautiful black blur.
"Scrubs: My Way or the Highway (#1.20)" (2002)
J.D.: Hello, Benedict.Chris Turk: What?
J.D.: Benedict Arnold!
Chris Turk: That has got to be the lamest smack talk I have ever heard.
J.D.: Well the redcoats didn't think so!
Patient: You just went colonial on his ass!
"Scrubs: My Big Bird (#5.8)" (2006)
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, he keeps a hug schedule with his friends.Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Oh, okay, Turk! Looks like someone's getting crossed off their two o'clock spot and getting pencilled in for never. How does that feel? Does it sting?
"Scrubs: His Story III (#5.19)" (2006)
Turk: They call me candy man because my moves are so sweet."Scrubs: My Mentor (#1.2)" (2001)
Elliot: [looking at a picture] When did you meet Morgan Freeman?Turk: That's my mom.
"Scrubs: His Story (#2.15)" (2003)
Turk: If you really love someone you've got to be willing to break their spirit."Scrubs: My Fishbowl (#6.12)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: [Carla tells bad joke] You would hear crickets chirping, but they were too uncomfortable at just how unfunny that actually was.Nurse Carla Espinosa: So what, I'm not funny?
Dr. Perry Cox: Why I think you're very funny... WHEN you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse. You know, as long as you stay right in you wheel house.
[Dr. Cox begins walking through the room]
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck; your husband does it when he's sarcastic.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ya know, I do what I do when I do what I do.
Dr. Perry Cox: The Janitor is amusing because quite frankly he's insane
The Janitor: [walks by with tiny boots that look like they are for a baby on his hands] I made shoes for my bunny.
Dr. Perry Cox: [walks over the J.D] And Alice here, well she can turn a phrase. and I'm assuming because I called you Alice you're thinking of me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
[Dr. Cox appears as Alice from the Brady Bunch then looks at J.D]
Dr. Perry Cox: Aren't ya?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: He was.
Dr. Perry Cox: Now some people just have funny names, for instance, Dr. Beardface, Dr. McHead, Colonel Doctor, and of course Snoop Dogg intern.
Snoop Dogg Intern: [grabs his white coat] Hey, Hey.
Dr. Perry Cox: My bad, Snoop Dogg resident. The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God, which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the Hospital Sad sack.
Ted Buckland: I am?
Dr. Perry Cox: Yes Ted.
Ted Buckland: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Dr. Perry Cox: And me I'm just funny because I commit C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T...
[makes the notion of sipping tea]
Dr. Perry Cox: -TEA. And I also do silly rants. But there is just one man who is funny, no matter what he says.
Dr. Bob Kelso: [Kelso enters] Are my undergarments made of wool because my WEASLES getting heat stroke?
Dr. Perry Cox: The point is please don't tell anymore jokes.
Ted Buckland: I'm not a sadsack am I?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ted, your pen exploded!
Ted Buckland: [looks at his shirt with a large blue stain on it] Awwwwww
[looks at is blue hand on his head]
Ted Buckland: AWWWWWWWWW!
"Scrubs: Our Histories (#9.4)" (2009)
Dr. Cox: [J.D. and Turk are dancing in costumes. Dr. Cox stares interested. When they stop] Please tell me this is just an intermission, 'cause I don't want this show to ever end.J.D.: Why are you here, Perry?
Dr. Cox: To laugh, to cry, to cry from laughing, but mostly to laugh at two desperate guys on an iceslide to an irralivant middle age.
J.D.: Well, not only have we been lettin' them know...
[turns to turk]
J.D.: Is that the right expression?
Turk: [mumbling to J.D] Yeah that's right, lettin' them know.
J.D.: [to dr. Cox again] we've been lettin' them know, by doing the cabbage patch, the running man and the capoera.
Turk: That's right, that's brazzilian dance fight! In your face.
Dr. Cox: [looking around] Where's the jackass?
[whissles for attention]
Dr. Cox: Jackass! Come!
Cole Aaronson: What up?
Dr. Cox: Now you are the host of this party and to some extend the voice of your generation and while I sadly acknowledge that heralds the coming apocalypse I do value your opinion on one thing in particular.
Cole Aaronson: Woaw... You're like shakespear, jo.
Dr. Cox: I am. I am like shakespear, jo. Now look around the room really quick and tell me the five lamest people that you see. Feel free to start with me.
Cole Aaronson: [points at dr. Cox] One: old.
[points at Ted]
Cole Aaronson: two: bald and shiney.
[points at Kelso]
Cole Aaronson: three: Superold.
[points at security guard]
Cole Aaronson: four: checked out my jug at the urinal. and...
[points at unknown guy]
Cole Aaronson: five: as weird junk, number four told me.
Turk: We didn't make the list.
J.D.: Nope, we didn't.
Turk: You've just been served.
J.D.: Yeah and you know what? We're going to rub it in your face a little bit by doing some brazilian fight dancing. Five, six, seven, eight
[start dancing and J.D. kicks Turk accidentically in the face and Turk falls down]
Dr. Cox: That was outstanding!
J.D.: [voice over] Sometimes reality takes the form of a kick to the head...
Cole Aaronson: SOrry bros. You've just been brougt to the numbers one and two of my lame-list.
J.D.: Why I think Turk should be numer one cause he appears to be bleeding.
[while Dr. Cox makes a photo of Turk lying there you hear J.D. his voice]
J.D.: ... Other times it gets right up in your grill.
"Scrubs: My Heavy Meddle (#1.16)" (2002)
J.D.: My high school teacher, Mr. Peters, died.Turk: You OK?
J.D.: Doing a lot better than Mr. Peters.
"Scrubs: My Moment of Un-Truth (#3.17)" (2004)
Turk: So I am supposed to marry someone who's gonna bust my chops everytime I look at a woman for the rest of my life?J.D.: Well, I wouldn't put it that way in your vows.
"Scrubs: My Rabbit (#6.21)" (2007)
Dr. Cox: I've seen The Wiggles live in concert... twice.Turk: Did they perform "Big Red Car"?
Dr. Cox: They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.
"Scrubs: My Own Worst Enemy (#7.1)" (2007)
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Dr. Beardfacé walks into the room] What it do, Beardface?Dr. Beardface: [crossly] It's Beardfacé. Beard*facé*!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Calm down, Seymour.
Dr.Perry Cox: If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta shave the beard. 'Course, then you'd be Dr. Face.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Hah! Dr. Face.
Dr. Beardface: Damn you all!
[storms off]
Dr. Christopher Turk: I wonder what he's hiding under all that hair.
"Scrubs: My Lucky Day (#2.9)" (2002)
Turk: Carla has something she'd like to tell you. Carla.Carla: I didn't mean to upset you even though everything I said was true and you know it.
Turk: Baby, that is a God-awful apology.
"Scrubs: My Brother, Where Art Thou? (#3.5)" (2003)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Turk, you don't get it, man. Your family was there for you.Dr. Christopher Turk: You know, I love how kids of divorced swear they have the market cornered on family dysfunction; but let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household. It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jubari - formerly "Bob" - gives my father attitude for using the word "black," *even though* he's referring to the turkey, which by the way only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bipolar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss, and we hug, and we apologize for all the things we said, 'cause a month later we're gonna get together and do it again at Christmas!
"Scrubs: My Lips Are Sealed (#4.21)" (2005)
J.D.: [narrating] Nothing had changed much on the way to work. God, the silence is killing me!Dr. Christopher Turk: You kissed my wife.
J.D.: [narrating] I miss the silence.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Did you like it?
J.D.: Well, that's kind of a trick question, Turk. If I say yes, it's like saying 'Damn, dude, your wife is hot and I want to get me a piece of that', but if I say no, it's like saying 'Yo, I know she's your wife and everything, but you can keep that fish-lipped bitty... '
"Scrubs: My Old Friend's New Friend (#4.1)" (2004)
Carla: That's what I think of your scooters! No more bugs in my teeth! No more helmet head! No more making deals with God every time a truck passes me on the freeway, okay? It's over! That's it![she storms off]
Turk: What the hell just happened?
Dr. Kelso: You got married, Turkleton.
"Scrubs: My Cold Shower (#6.19)" (2007)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm not upset about Elliot.Dr. Christopher Turk: You both have had a history together.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You two have had more ups and downs than Ross and Rachel on Friends.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm nothing like Ross.
Dr. Perry Cox: Of course not. You're Rachel, she's Ross.
"Scrubs: My Karma (#2.16)" (2003)
Janitor: Who are you?Turk: Dr. Turk
Janitor: I don't care.
"Scrubs: My Faith in Humanity (#4.23)" (2005)
Dr. Christopher Turk: Couples therapy is killing me.Dr. Todd Quinlan: I don't know how you do it - make love with your lady in front of some old dude who's filming you?
Dr. Christopher Turk: That's not couples therapy, Todd.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Then what did I do?
Dr. Christopher Turk: You did amateur porn!
Dr. Todd Quinlan: [smiling] Sweet!..
"Scrubs: My Big Move (#4.22)" (2005)
Dr. Christopher Turk: You kissed my wife!Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [J.D.'s narration] I miss the silence.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Did you like it?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Well that's kind of a trick question, Turk. I mean if I say yes, it's like I'm saying: damn dude, your wife is hot & I'd like to get me some of that. But if I say no then I'm all like: yo, I know she's your wife but you can keep that fish-lipped bitty.
"Scrubs: My Happy Place (#8.4)" (2009)
[Turk is examining a patient's abdomen]Dr. Christopher Turk: OK, so I'm going to add a little pressure now, sir.
[audible fart is heard]
Dr. Christopher Turk: It's all right. It's perfectly natural.
Patient: That was you.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, I know, But it's still perfectly natural.
"Scrubs: My Dream Job (#2.22)" (2003)
Spence: [to Dr. Cox] Hey, congratulations.Dr. Perry Cox: For what, jackass?
Spence: You just had a baby.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, no, no, she
[Jordan]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: just had a baby.
Spence: Yeah, but you said it was his. You said something else, too.
Dr. Christopher Turk: That he didn't know it yet.
Spence: That's exactly right!
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