Dr. Perry Cox
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Quotes for
Dr. Perry Cox (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Scrubs: My New God (#5.5)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: Remind me again, why are you having our son baptized?
Jordan: Oh what do you care? You're not even going!
Dr. Cox: Fine, let him go to church. I mean I let him go to magic shows. I'll just tell him it's all a lie when he gets home, so he doesn't have any of those crazy nightmares
Jordan: By the way, I invited your sister
Dr. Cox: Oh Jordan please tell me you didn't!
Jordan: Oh I'm sorry sweetie. I don't think she'd be so upset. I'll call her and tell her not to come.
[starts laughing]
Jordan: How weird would it be if I was like that?

J.D.: When is this joyous occasion?
Dr. Cox: You're not invited.
J.D.: Oh I see, family only everyone. That's how they're doing it.
Carla: I'm going.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, give me a break of course you're going! For the matter of fact, I'd like you to be the boy's godfather.
J.D.: [whispering] I... am... honored!
Dr. Cox: [whispering] I... am lying.

Dr. Cox: Everyone! This is my sister Paige. Paige I'd like you to meet random people I don't care about

J.D.: Hi I'm JD! I'm sure Perry has spoken of me
Paige: No
J.D.: Nothing about taking a taunted go getter under his wig or being surrogate father to a boy who lost his one? Nothing about that at all? I'm surprised. It's interesting for me, but okay!
[thinking]
J.D.: Don't cry in front of people
Paige: Perry and I don't talk much
J.D.: Ohhh they don't talk much everybody! There's not much talking in the family.
Dr. Cox: Rest assured, Newbie. Even if we did talk from morning till night about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me. The big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer and the resurgence of the hard-shelled taco; the small...
Paige: [copying Cox] The small being my ex-wife Jordan, wind energy and a-ha-hall fruit-infused liquors... your name still would not have come up.

Paige: You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid? Every night we'd play horse in the driveway and I'd always kick his ass.
J.D.: Can Christians say ass now? I have a friend, Pat Casey, he called his mum an ass once. She hit him in the face with an iron. He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore.
Paige: Okay, I need to go say hi to Jordan.
[she walks off. Cox arrives as soon as Paige is gone]
J.D.: She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a born again Christian sister?
Dr. Cox: I don't know. Maybe the TV was broken one day and she picked up the bible and found it to be just a darn good read. Or, maybe it had something to do with out mothers ability to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think Newbie?
J.D.: Probably the room to room thing.

J.D.: Dr. Cox! If it makes you feel any better, at the baptism I'll be there to keep Paige company.
Dr. Cox: Yeah. You're not going.
J.D.: Dammit! Stupid baptism.

J.D.: Morning, sunshine!
Dr. Cox: Never say that again.
J.D.: Noted. That was quite a fight you had with your sister yesterday. Won't it be a little awkward when you show up at St. Mary's Cathedral on the corner of Maple and Pine, right across from Temple Oheb Shalom, at 4 P.M. today?
Dr. Cox: That's not where the baptism is, but nice try.
J.D.: Mark my words... when that little bastard's dipped in water, I will be there.
Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by. Mr. Donnelly's labs came back and it looks like the steroid is finally working. If you happen to be keeping score at home, that would be Medicine, One -God, Zero.
J.D.: Ah, you don't have to rub it in her face.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, and I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope down my pants every morning, but I still do. Now isn't there some other relationship you could be out there trying to fix?

Dr. Cox: Could I comment on the baptism dress?
Paige: I think you should wait to see the matching slippers and tiny handbag
Dr. Cox: You're actually encouraging him to cross-dress on the same day that you're introducing him to a religion that will condemn him to Hell for it. That's a trauma twofer.
Jordan: Can you two please just try to get along? Now I'm getting some blush for Jack, because this lace collar is washing out his face. Terrible.
Dr. Cox: Paige, will you just acknowledge that medicine made Mr. Donnelly better?
Paige: Fine. It was medicine.
Dr. Cox: Aha
Paige: Thank God for creating medicine
Dr. Cox: [Flipping out] A-ghe-de-geh-geh-geh!
[Stands]
Dr. Cox: That's it! That is it.
[Grabs Jack, who begins giggling wildly]
Dr. Cox: Now you, you may be a total goner, but God's not getting his hands on this one. No way, no how. Come on, Jackie boy, we got places to go.

J.D.: You can rub mine's belly if I can rub yours'.
Dr. Cox: Don't you touch my son

Dr. Cox: There will be no whining or crying while we sit here, understood?
J.D.: [Stroking Jack's hair] He seems fine.
Dr. Cox: I wasn't talking to him.
J.D.: I don't whine or cry.
Janitor: Really? Then how do you explain these photos of you whining and crying as you run away from the Kwans' apartment?
J.D.: These are coasters.
Janitor: My camera's broken.

Dr. Cox: You know what, there, Newbie? You can go to the baptism. Now take Jack; Jordan'll kill me if he's not there. Plus, I know you - you're exactly one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.
J.D.: No, thank you. If there's one thing I learned from this guy
[gestures at the Janitor]
J.D.: , it's I need to stop trying to fix people's relationships.
Janitor: You're welcome
J.D.: Still, I've never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs. In fact, you're pretty tolerant of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman
Dr. Cox: Meh
J.D.: I just don't understand why your sister being religious bothers you so much
Dr. Cox: It doesn't
J.D.: Then why are you so angry?

Dr. Cox: It's not the God stuff.
[Faces her seriously]
Dr. Cox: I have worked hard to try to forget everything about our childhood. But when I see you, I... I can't think about anything else.
Paige: It's hard for me, too.
Dr. Cox: But I don't see why you can't be there for the major events in Jack's life
Paige: I'd love to see him turn three
Dr. Cox: The *major* events, Paige: His graduation, his wedding, his divorce, and his funeral... the Big Four
Paige: I beat you at Horse, he has a church wedding
Dr. Cox: Done

Dr. Cox: You know, Paige is a silly name.
Paige: Perry's worse.

Dr. Cox: Can I comment on the baptism dress?
Page Cox: I think you should wait until you see the matching slippers and tiny handbag.
Dr. Cox: You're actually encouraging him to cross dress on the same day that you're introducing him to a religion that will condemn him to hell for it.

Paige Cox: Jerk!
Dr. Cox: Republican!


"Scrubs: My New Game (#4.3)" (2004)
Jordan: Have a good day. Try not to torture anyone so much that they take their own lives.
Dr. Cox: I'll try. You know, you're not looking as processed and overly-medicated as usual.
Jordan: That is so sweet!

Dr. Cox: Don't tell me - you and Sweaty Teddy here are gonna finally have that commitment ceremony you've been dreaming about?
Dr. Kelso: Perry, even if I went that way - and believe me, there were nights in the service when it didn't sound so far-fetched - Ted is hardly my type.
Ted Buckland: I beg to differ, I've seen Enid.

Carla: Miss Myers is ready to have her bandages removed now.
Dr. Cox: Who do you mean, dashboard-face?
Carla: Yeah, I think she prefers "Miss Myers."
Dr. Cox: Well then she probably shouldn't be checking her e-mail while she's driving ninety miles an hour.

Dr. Cox: You know what? I've got a son, I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. Sooo, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life?
Dr. Clock: So what's his wife like?
Carla: So scary!

Dr. Cox: There's no way in hell that I'm gonna listen to you complain about the rest of your life for the rest of my life, you got that?
Jordan: Yeah, not listening. By the way, now that we're married again, we've gotta make out new wills in case one of us dies.
Dr. Cox: Oh, God, I hope it's me.

Dr. Cox: Mm-hm. Why don't you just...
Dr. Clock: Mind my own business. I know, your life is your life, and it's not my job to fix it, unless of course you ask me to. And, man, would I get in there, 'cause I'm a good shrink and you, my friend, are a walking disaster. Shall we?

Dr. Cox: Yeah, I make it a point to never enter a shrink's office unless I'm planning on grossly overpaying somebody for telling me something that I already know.
Dr. Clock: Look, you're obviously really distracted by the situation with your marriage...
Dr. Cox: Something I already know, what do I owe? Will ten bucks cover it?

Dr. Cox: Jordan! Will you... will you divorce me?
Jordan: Ohh, I thought you'd never ask!

Dr. Clock: Dr Cox, I was wondering if we could talk about Miss Myers in my office.
Dr. Cox: Yeah... I make it a point to never enter a shrink's office unless I'm planning on grossly over-paying somebody for telling me something that I already know.
Dr. Clock: Look, you're obviously really distracted by the situation with your marriage.
Dr. Cox: Something I already know. What do I owe? Will ten bucks cover it?
Dr. Clock: Ah, yeah!
[takes the money]
Dr. Cox: Are you gonna hang onto that?
Dr. Clock: Yeah... you know, I forgot my lunch money, and it's kielbasa day in the cafeteria. Kielbasa!
Dr. Cox: [nervously] Ah ah...
Dr. Clock: Love it. Anyway, Miss Myers really values your opinion, but I don't think you're trying to understand how she feels.
Dr. Cox: Look, if I ever want your advice on one of my patients, I'll ask; but do not hold your breath unless, of course, you can hold it for a really long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time.
Dr. Clock: I can't, I used to smoke.
[Cox leaves, Clock stands up in the hall and smiles]
Dr. Clock: Kielbasa... yes!


"Scrubs: My Half-Acre (#5.9)" (2006)
J.D.: I know I haven't hit it in a while, but there's good reasons for that
Dr. Cox: Two good reasons: his face and his personality.
J.D.: Sticks and stones may break my bones...
[thinking]
J.D.: But words will hurt forever

Jordan: Will you say good bye to Jack before I drop him off at preschool?
Dr. Cox: [pets his sons head] Bye, little man.
Jordan: Perry, this is your son, not a pitbull. Give him a kiss.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy. And I'm just not real big on kissing guys. I mean, when my father wanted to show me affection he would just purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.
Jordan: You are gonna be a much better dad than your dad was. Now give him a proper goodbye!
Dr. Cox: [shakes Jack's hand] Son, always a pleasure. No more kissing!
[Cox walks off]
Jordan: You're crazy!

Carla: I don't understand, why wouldn't you kiss him?
Dr. Cox: [singing voice] Stay out of it, Carla!
Mrs. Wilk: Stay out of what?
Carla: Dr. Cox won't kiss his son.
Mrs. Wilk: What is wrong with you?
Dr. Cox: Ladies, I hate to disappoint but my quota for women who bug the living bejeezus out of me has been met for the next billion years.

Carla: I think he described all the extra effort he put in so you would tell him what an amazing doctor he is.
Mrs. Wilk: Now that you've told me it won't sound sincere.
Carla: He won't care.
Mrs. Wilk: Dr Cox, you're amazing.
Dr. Cox: It's just my job.

Lonnie: Dr. Cox, would you help me with a centeral line.
Dr. Cox: Fine, Lonnie. But hand to God, if you so much as look at me for the next month I will mummify your head in surgical tape.
Lonnie: Thank you Dr. Cox!
[looks away]
Lonnie: Is he gone? No? Hello?

Patient: I'm a Jehovah's Witness, I can't get a transfusion. We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person
Dr. Cox: Well I'm a doctor and we believe that without surgery a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness.
Carla: Don't worry, he will figure out another way to treat you
Dr. Cox: [laughing as he walks off] Hehehe! No he won't!

Carla: So what's the deal, cranky pants?
Dr. Cox: I'm just sick and tired of having to living up to everybody's expectations. Lonnie needs a central line, you want me to help Mrs London and every patient in this dump looks at me for some miracle cure. I mean honestly Carla, with Jehovah as my witness, sometimes it is just too much.
Carla: Yeah, I'm not buying it. You've been putting up with this stuff around here for over 20 years.
Dr. Cox: Not just here; at home too. Jordan expects me to be this amazing sensitive father.
Carla: So that is what this is about? You shouldn't sweat the sensitive Dad stuff. You'll get there.
Dr. Cox: You don't know anything.

J.D.: How did you know I'd move to fast with Julie?
Dr. Cox: How do you know that I can be that kind of dad?
Turk: How did you that Kelso just wanted respect?
Elliot: Because I know you!
Carla: Because I know you!
Janitor: Because I know him!
Todd: [watches it on the security camera] This is so cool!


"Scrubs: My Way Home (#5.7)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: Your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you five days may seem like an eternity as it's roughly five times as long as any of your pasty relationships have lasted. But trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.
Elliot: Oh really? Because you never went to assface school, but you seem to be an expert at that. Am I right?
J.D.: [didn't hear conversation, but high-fives Elliot] Here's some!
Dr. Cox: You're going to high five THAT? Bi-hig mistake.
J.D.: I didn't know what I was high-fiving. I gotta stop doing that.
Elliot: Did you eat my mango body butter?
J.D.: No.
[thinking]
J.D.: I smeared it on a bagel.

J.D.: [to Keith] Why would you page me?
Dr. Cox: Because I told him to, and I know what you're thinking Dorothy, why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh darn trivial. But the real question ought to be: why when YOU were an intern did you call me in time, after time, after time, after time.

Dr. Cox: So if I understand correctly, you left my only child with a creepy borderline psychotic who hates everyone?
Carla: How is that different from leaving him with you?

Dr. Cox: Trust me Carla, when you do have your own kid, you're gonna find you had the courage to be a parent all along.
Carla: Thank you.

Carla: Dr. Cox, why aren't you freaking out? Look at him, your kid's all green and slimy!
Dr. Cox: I suppose it's because, when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and... slimy.

Dr. Bob Kelso: Dr Reid, out hospital lecture series is tonight and our psychologist, Dr Burk, had to cancel his talk on fear of public speaking.
Elliot: Why, because he's afraid of speaking in public? Yeah...
[chuckles]
Dr. Bob Kelso: No. His depression finally got the best of him and he hung himself... Anyhoo, we need a speaker and Dr Cox suggested you'd be the perfect person for an intensive Q & A on endocrinology. Be in the classroom at six.
[walks away]
Dr. Cox: And Barbie... say, if it's cold in there, you can just borrow my lab coat; it's super warm because I lined it with these... ta-daaa!
[opens his coat, pages of endocrinology text books attached on its intern]

Jordan: It's Jack's first birthday, I want it to be special. I got a petting zoo for the kids, and we need to figure out something great for the adults.
Dr. Cox: How about a russian roulette booth? And here's the kicker, we put bullets in all the chambers, that way *everybody* wins!
J.D.: [butting in] will there be a piñata? Because I need to know if I should bring my piñata helmet.
Jordan: Up-up-bah! The only reason we invited you is because for *some* reason, you have your own Spongebob Squarepants Costume!
J.D.: It was a gift!
[voice-over]
J.D.: From me, to me!


"Scrubs: My Unicorn (#4.11)" (2004)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anyway, know Mr. Marks? He said he doesn't have any family to be a kidney donor? But he's got a son! We gotta find this guy!
Dr. Perry Cox: Look, Newbie, there are times a man wants to keep something to himself. Say he's got a son or he's 29 years old and keeps a journal with a unicorn drawn on the cover.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's a horse with a sword on his head and he's there to guard my hopes and dreams.

Dr. Perry Cox: By the by, this moment is so great that I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one, and raise a family of tiny little moments.

Dr. Perry Cox: I love this moment so much that I want to have sex with it.

Dr. Perry Cox: Boy, let me tell you about it. You know, I got this kid who constantly ignores my advice and then flashes me the sad doe eyes every time I call him a girl's name or scream in his face.
Gregory Marks: Do you wanna sing about him?
Dr. Perry Cox: No, not ever.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You will never guess what I found on the computer?
Dr. Perry Cox: Is it a set of adult male shoulders?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: They had to trim them to get me out of the well.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, right.

Dr. Perry Cox: Who gave you this number?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm asking for your help here.
Dr. Perry Cox: Okay, but I think it's very important to focus on the "who gave you this number" issue.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Fine. Maybe I got too involved like you said, but would it kill you for once to acknowledge for that my heart was in the right place instead of spending all your time berating me.
Dr. Perry Cox: You got this number from Jordan, didn't you? She hates me.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [voice over] If Murray could look past his dad's imperfections and appreciate all the time he'd given him, maybe I owe Dr. Cox a thank you for the same thing.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [aloud, to Dr. Cox] Hey, I just want to take a second to thank you for constantly berating me, doubting my abilities, and the overall devastation of my self-esteem.
Dr. Perry Cox: My pleasure.


"Scrubs: My Rite of Passage (#5.2)" (2006)
Jordan Sullivan: Let's go Per!
Dr. Perry Cox: I've been waiting for an hour.
Jordan Sullivan: I know, I was leafing though a magazine and watching you on the security cameras. My favorite part is when you said "Screw her!" and then you stormed out, but then you came back because you realized:
[waves keys]
Jordan Sullivan: I have the keys!
Dr. Perry Cox: Jordan. Now that you work here *h-every* day, if the carpool torturing persists, I'm gonna put a plexi-glass separator right down the middle of the car so you can't drive me crazy - you can't, you can't, you can't. Unfortunately your door handle doesn't work from the inside, which simply means that if we're in a fiery crash you won't be able to get out. Eeh, whatever.
[Jordan walks off while Cox is still speaking. He doesn't notice]
Dr. Perry Cox: That's a risk I'm sure willing to take.
[looks up to see Jordan gone]
Dr. Perry Cox: Jorderoo?
[Jordan is watching Dr. Cox on the security monitor]
Dr. Perry Cox: Hello?
Jordan Sullivan: I'm in here! You can't see me!
Dr. Perry Cox: Jordan!

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [Dr. Cox has put J.D. in time-out] I'm an attending!
Dr. Perry Cox: Tell it to the wall, newbie.

Dr. Christopher Turk: How do I know this guy?
Dr. Perry Cox: Maybe you used to date him?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh that's so clever. I'm gay! Wow! It's good!
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm tired.

Dr. Perry Cox: Oh. Would everyone please watch this? Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy. He leads off with the Chin Quiver.
[Thompson does so]
Dr. Perry Cox: Then he goes right to the Look Away.
[Thompson drops his eyes, and waves off Jordan's hand on his shoulder]
Dr. Perry Cox: He tries to hold it back but he just can't because there's too much pain!
[Thompson's body shudders]
Dr. Perry Cox: And then finally, he squeezes out one single... tear
[mock cries and leads the applause]
Dr. Perry Cox: ... Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theatre!
Dr. Christopher Turk: I can't watch this.
Nurse Roberts: Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.

Jordan Sullivan: Sam? What are you doing back here?
Sam Thompson: Hey, lambchop. Uh, crazy story - I was, uh, I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident, and thank God I'm alive. I'd hug you but I, uh, uuuggghhh!
[wiggles handcuffed hand and chuckles]
Dr. Kelso: Jordan. This is one of our most famous con artist-slash-drug addicts.
Sam Thompson: Nice to see you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You as well. Turkleton? You've dealt with him before.
Sam Thompson: Hey, dude!
Dr. Kelso: why didn't you tell her?
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Pointing at Cox] 'Cause he told me not to!
Dr. Perry Cox: This is gonna cost you.

Dr. Perry Cox: It's a rite of passage that you have to go through around here to be accepted.
Jordan Sullivan: Oh my God! You actually did something nice for me!
Dr. Perry Cox: No, no. No-no-no-no-no-no-no. It was a selfish act. If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me!


"Scrubs: My Cake (#4.6)" (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: Say, Barbie, for a second there, I thought you were being a little bit cold, but then you really saved it with the "
[sigh]
Dr. Perry Cox: ... 'Kay."
Dr. Elliot Reid: What are you going to do, hide from him all day and then call him "Ginger"?
Dr. Perry Cox: No. It's Monday, which of course means it's Ethnic Day, so I'll be going with Rosalita, and besides, I have a plan.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Which is?
Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, unfortunately, the first part of the plan is not to share it with people who annoy me. Want to hear the second part?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Sure
Dr. Perry Cox: I can't. My hands are tied by the first part

Dr. Perry Cox: Hey, Newbie? Just in case you didn't actually notice, I have been covering all your patients, answering all your pages, and doing pretty much everything shy of picking up your sundress from the drycleaners.
J.D.: Well, I didn't ask you to do any of that, did I?
[he storms off]
Dr. Perry Cox: Outstanding! You're walking away like a pissy little ingrate. I mean, bravo!
[starts applauding]
Dr. Perry Cox: Bravo, ah!
[He whistles as Ted walks up and joins him in applauding. Cox stops clapping]
Ted: What are we clapping for?
Dr. Perry Cox: His dad just died.
[Ted's applause trails off]
Dr. Perry Cox: Dammit

Dr. Elliot Reid: Why are you still antagonising him?
Dr. Perry Cox: I don't know. I can't stop.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I am warning you, you better come through for him.
Dr. Perry Cox: What do you want me to do, anyway?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Be more sensitive. Try giving him a hug.
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie... you've met be before, yes? Now, at most, I can muster one hug a year, and nine months ago I hugged my son, so: you're gonna have to do it.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Um, you saw us before, we're still awkward from the break-up.
Dr. Perry Cox: Hold the phone: are you suggesting that if I sleep with him, that I won't have to deal with problems like this? Because I'm seriously considering taking that hit.
[as Elliot walks off]
Dr. Perry Cox: I mean, honestly, what is he like in post-game? Is there spooning? Because I don't spoon, I'm not a spooner.

Dr. Perry Cox: Truth be told, there, Newbie: I'm proud of you.
Dan Dorian: Me too.
J.D.: [narrating] It's amazing how a few simple words can change everything.

[Dr. Cox has duct-taped Dan's head to the wall above the bathtub]
Dan Dorian: What's this?
Dr. Perry Cox: It's your basic homemade anti-drowning device to be worn until your brother returns.
Dan Dorian: ...I like it.

Dr. Perry Cox: Listen, Dan...
Dan Dorian: [points to a beard of bubbles on his chin] Captain Bubblebeard. Sheaht yer scuppers, me hardies!
[Dr. Cox shoves Dan's head under the bathwater]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now you're Dan again! Let's break down the kid's support structure, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist; and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what must be, by now, mostly your own urine!
Dan Dorian: I believe the ratio has shifted, yes...
Dr. Perry Cox: And I have to believe that together, *together*, Dan, we can make it at least half way to one legitimite adult!
Dan Dorian: You're right, Coxy!
[Dan stands up. Dr. Cox frowns at his crotch]
Dan Dorian: JD needs us, and he needs us now!
Dr. Perry Cox: Towel!
Dan Dorian: Let's do this!
[Dan wraps himself in the towel, and takes one step out of the bathtub before falling flat on his face]
Dan Dorian: I may have lost some muscle mass in my legs...
Dr. Perry Cox: Fantastic.


"Scrubs: My Old Friend's New Friend (#4.1)" (2004)
J.D.: Come on, man, it's our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station. You must have a metaphor you want to use; hit me with it!
Dr. Cox: I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Lemme see, uhh... Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything - eve - everything that exists - past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh! And Hugh Jackman.

Carla: Dr Cox, can i borrow you for a minute?
Dr. Cox: Borrow me? Dearheart you are rescuing me. Newbie you're on your own- get used to it

Dr. Cox: I sure hope you're comfortable in that bed, because you're gonna be in one just like it for the rest of your natural born life.
J.D.: What the hell was that?
Dr. Cox: That was me talking to a patient who has thrown in the towel. You can't save everyone, Newbie, so I suggest you start working with people who want your help. That's what I will be doing.

J.D.: I just want you to know I'm not ready to give up on Mr. Radford.
Dr. Cox: Do you want me to give you my "things I don't care about" speech again? Because, you know, I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything.
J.D.: I agrizzle, my nizzle.
Dr. Cox: Go on home and get in bed, will ya. I'm betting your friend Mr. Radford's already in his. I'll see ya.

Dr. Cox: [when Turk and JD huged each other after Turk just came back from his Honeymoon] Oh wo, wo. What do we have here? The newlyweds... oh and hey Carla. Mark my words he first year of marriage is just a real treat!
[to Jordan]
Dr. Cox: Sweetheart, do you remember ours?
Jordan: The silly fighting for control!
Dr. Cox: You broke my jaw!
Jordan: You gotta stop that back-talk early. Come on, glass jaw.

Dr. Cox: Good God, Fantasia. You - you don't actually think I'm done teaching you, do you? D'you not understand the only difference between today and tomorrow is that you wake up tomorrow and start coming in here and killing people, that no one can say, "It's no big deal, he's just a resident." Instead, what they're damn sure gonna be wondering is who tried to educate your sorry ass. And when that finger of blame starts pointing in my direction, I had damn sure better be in a coma from the anger stroke I suffered from the last time you tried to hug me. Oh, and, uh, don't be late tomorrow... Doctor.


"Scrubs: My Quarantine (#4.16)" (2005)
[the hospital is under quarantine]
Dr. Perry Cox: Let's bear in mind that we are shorthanded: There are only four doctors here.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I counted more than that.
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm talking legitimate doctors, turtle-head. Here pee-pants is a pathologist, so he doesn't count. Johnson is a dermatologist, which is Greek for "fake doctor," and please don't even get me started on you four surgeons.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: There's only two of us.
Dr. Perry Cox: You are so very useless, I counted you both twice.

Danni Sullivan: SARS sucks!
Dr. Perry Cox: Okay; you can direct any technical questions to my former sister-in-law.

Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: [reading the chart] Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise... Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Patient: Yeah.
J.D.: [thought] And then I said something stupid...
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [thought] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lock-down.
Dr. Perry Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni Sullivan: [offering a flask] Quaran-tinies, anyone?

Dr. Perry Cox: So, Nurse Gandhi-rella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths. Happy ending optional - his choice, not yours.
Dr. Christopher Turk: This guy's in a coma.
Dr. Perry Cox: Not all of him.

Carla: The worst first date that I ever had was with this guy who took me to this dump of a pizza parlor, right -
Dr. Christopher Turk: You know what? Really don't want to hear about this one, okay?
[Turk turns and nears Dr. Cox, who's talking to a separate group of people]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and she didn't like the pizza I ordered because it had anchovies on it. Can you believe that?
[Turk hurriedly turns back to Carla's story]
Carla: ...it had *anchovies.*
[back to Cox]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and pineapples.
[back to Carla]
Carla: ...and pineapples.
[back to Cox]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and red peppers.
[back to Carla]
Carla: ...and green peppers.
[Turk relaxes]
Carla: Wait - red peppers.
Dr. Christopher Turk: No!


"Scrubs: My Missed Perception (#5.6)" (2006)
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm gonna let Big Bob here give the first excuse.
Dr. Kelso: Blah, blah, blah, I'm not doing it.

Dr. Perry Cox: Hand over your stethoscope.
J.D.: What?
Dr. Perry Cox: In victory, I get your stethoscope. It's a trophy. You're lucky we're not back in olden times, I would have made a necklace out of your teeth.
J.D.: I find this highly unproffesional.
[J.D. gives Dr Cox his stethoscope]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now I'm going to check on Mr Jenkins, your war hero. I feel he too deserves a competent doctor. In fact, I'm gonna take all of your patients. And consequently your only reason to get out of that lasie over pillowed 4 poster virgin cocoon you call a bed every morning.

Mr. Bursick: Which people do I hate again?
J.D.: Immigrants, Mister Bursick. You hate all immigrants.
Mr. Bursick: And why do I hate...
J.D.: I don't have time, Mister Bursick. Guys, if I give you a patient I expect you to work your butt off for him. And P.S., Mr Jenkins is a Vietnam Vet, so let's take care of him like he took care of our nation. Get out of here! That's how you light a fire under their butt Perry, you let them go with some inspiration...
Dr. Perry Cox: Too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, to much talking, too much talking. Why did you order a BNP test on my patient Mrs Wilk last night?
J.D.: Because she's my patient.
Dr. Perry Cox: Interesting, since i admitted her.
J.D.: And I treated her last night.
Mr. Bursick: Dr Dorian, why do I hate all immigrants?
J.D.: Because they're stealing all of our jobs, Mr Bursick... stealing aaall of our jobs. Perry, we spend an equal lot of time of Mrs Wilk. Now seing that we're both attendings, why don't we let her decide who her doctor is?
Dr. Perry Cox: Ooor we could skip the day trip to unessesary land and instead simply conceed that Mrs Wilk is my patient. And while we are both attendings, we are in no way equals - we are in fact not equal. We are UN-equals.

J.D.: This morning you told me you had a great life.
Mrs. Wilk: Exactly, and I'd like to continue it.
J.D.: Oh, this is a misunderstanding. I'm so sorry.
[to Cox]
J.D.: Tell her it's a misunderstanding.
Dr. Perry Cox: He's tried to kill before.

Dr. Christopher Turk: Where's the donut truck? I was paged there was a donut track out here!
Dr. Elliot Reid: I got paged there was a handbag sample sale!
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Where's the booby-touching booth?
J.D.: It's weird. It's like everyone was lured out here by the thing they want most in the world.
Dr. Perry Cox: [arriving running, watching J.D] Hey! You're not getting your ass kicked!
Dr. Kelso: Hold the phone... look! Bleachers! Ladder! Bucket of combs! She's trying to take the picture! Scatter!
[everybody runs away]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [standing on the top of a ladder] Nobody move! Laverne, door!
Nurse Laverne Roberts: [standing on the threshold of the hospital's entrance, holding a broom] Nobody's getting past here, baby!


"Scrubs: Her Story II (#5.10)" (2006)
Julie Quinn: Did you know, J.D's parents thought he was gonna be a girl. They didn't have a name ready when he was born, so until he was 3 years old they called him Joana
Dr. Cox: I don't know who you are, but thank you for this

Dr. Cox: Weeeeell, look what we have here: it is a visual representation of how alcohol affects people of different ages. We have the young...
[indicates Julie]
Julie Quinn: [brightly] Morning!
Dr. Cox: [moving to Elliot] ... the slightly older...
Elliot: [clearly hungover] Please stop talking.
Dr. Cox: [moving to Carla] ... the slightly older still...
Carla: [mumbles incoherently]
Dr. Cox: [moving to Jordan, who is wearing dark sunglasses and not moving] ... and last, the very, very, VERY old. She is unconscious and virtually unwakeable. Witness.
[he grabs Jordan's shoulders and shakes her]
Dr. Cox: Jorda-roo! Jorda-licious! Jorda-roni!
[Jordan doesn't react]
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.
J.D.: Ha! I'll get you ladies some more coffee. Jordan, if you're willing to pay for it, just sit there frozen.
[no response]
J.D.: How very generous.
[he reaches into Jordan's purse and takes out her credit card]
Julie Quinn: That's so funny!
J.D.: [forcing a smile] Yeah...

Dr. Cox: Joana, now i'm not much for this sensitive crap but darn now you finally found someone who is willing to let you annoy them instead of me.

Dr. Cox: ...there is not such thing as a perfect person...

Turk: J.D., this is an intervention. First off, I just want to say everyone here loves you, this is a safe space. But you're such a committ-a-phobe! Every time you date a girl with potential you wind up ruining it over some trivial reason. Let's think about some of the great girls you let slip through your fingers: Kylie, Jaime, Gift Shop Girl, Minnie McSkinny, Mole Butt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumplefugly... I'm forgetting someone...
Carla: [narrating] Oh, my God, Turk... if you forget Elliot she's gonna cry.
[out loud, while nodding towards Elliot who's starting to moan]
Carla: Turk, aren't you forgetting the greatest girl of them all?...
Turk: [snapping his fingers] Heidi Horse-Face!
Elliot: [almost crying] Me, Turk... she's talking about me, OK?
J.D.: Relax, Elliot... you're Mole Butt.
Elliot: [moved] Really? Sorry, Turk...
Carla: J.D., there's somebody else here who wants to say something...
Billy Dee Williams: Don't mess this up, man... be smooth.
Turk: Lando's right.
Billy Dee Williams: Billy Dee!
Turk: [mouthing] Lando...
Dr. Cox: Joanna, now I'm not much for this sensitive crap... but, darn it all, you've found someone who's willing to let you annoy them instead of me.
Elliot: Don't screw this up, J.D., or you'll just gonna end up where you always do: lying on that couch in a fetal position wishing you hadn't driven another one away.
Dr. Cox: If Jordan were conscious, she'd... she'd agree
[Jordan sits unconscious on the couch; she has a fake arrow through her head]
Dr. Cox: Oh, now, who put that fake arrow through her head? Eh? Which one of you?... It was me... I did it...


"Scrubs: His Story III (#5.19)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: You're black? 'Cause last I checked you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy and these are all characteristics of white guys. Please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP. If you're don't know what that stands for, it's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the 'colored people' to 'African Americans' but then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP it'd be the N quad A or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression but actually brings me back to my original point... Do I think you're black? Naaaaaaaaa!

[JD is making a video project to send to his mother]
J.D.: Dr. Cox, do you have anything you'd like to say to my mom?
Dr. Cox: No, but I have something I'd like to say to her uterus, because it brought you into this world.
[Smacks camera and shakes finger]
Dr. Cox: Bad uterus! Don't do that anymore!

Nurse Laverne Roberts: Dr. Turk is not aware that Lonnie was all-conference at Villanova.
Dr. Cox: Laverne, would you go ahead and thank what's-his-name for me.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Jesus?
Dr. Cox: That's him.

Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox and JD examine a patient with locked-in syndrome, who communicates via computer] Go ahead and check Mr. McNair's blood pressure, please, Eva.
Mr. McNair: I don't get it - Why does he call you a girl's name?
J.D.: Thank you for asking, Mr. McNair. You see, the thing about Dr. Cox is that, the closer he feels to a person, the more he needs to push them away. So when he calls me Eva, he's actually saying, "JD, I care about you!" Vulnerable people like Dr. Cox...
Mr. McNair: Oh my god! I get it now, Carol. Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol...
J.D.: Now you're being a jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
Dr. Cox: Newbie! I'm relatively certain that the computer is broken.
J.D.: Oh, my bad.

Nurse Carla Espinosa: Wow... aren't you the big bad ass attending?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah, well, it's time for them to sink or swim. I got to where I am on my own, OK?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Nobody helped you out in the beginning, huh?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox was my attending. He was nice enough to keep track of the times he made me cry.
Dr. Cox: [passing by, counting and moving his fingers] 27, counting this morning.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Mh... yeah. I'm PMSing and he made fun of my shoes.


"Scrubs: My Office (#4.2)" (2004)
[after Dr. Cox announced that J.D. and Elliot are both gonna be chief resident]
J.D.: Uh... What now?
Dr. Cox: Well, I figure with her being ridiculously booksmart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills and you being warm and cuddly as an unpotty-trained labradoodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an unpotty-trained labradoodle, together the two of you would make one barely passable doctor... slash labradoodle...

Dr. Cox: I don't know what to tell you, there, Bobbo. Either this kid has a light bulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.

J.D.: Hey, when Elliot asked you if she could run for chief resident and you said "why not," that was just a goof, right?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Cox. Ran all those tests on Mr. Landisman.
Dr. Cox: Top-notch work, there, Barbie! She's good! She's very, very, very good! Now, sorry, where were we?
J.D.: I am a medical professional, and you are not gonna get me to compete with Elliot.
Dr. Cox: Well, Jo-Jo, right now she's winning.
J.D.: Let me know how to get back on top. I'll do anything, even if it means I have to kill somebody!
Dr. Cox: Well, you could start by getting the lightbulb out of this genius's pooper. Impress me.
J.D.: Oh, I'll impress you!

Dr. Molly Clock: Perry! You know, I have a cousin named Perry. But actually, no, he's not my cousin; and, you know, his name isn't Perry, it's... Jeff.
Dr. Cox: That's so funny. I have an uncle named Stop Bothering Me.

Dr. Christopher Turk: Why don't we just reach up there and tug that bad boy out?
Dr. Cox: It's not a rabbit in a hat. If you tug on it, it's going to break; and if it breaks, he's going to need surgery; and if you perform it, then, of course, he's going to need a casket. Sooo, why don't you just play quietly in your area until the crowd arrives.


"Scrubs: My Female Trouble (#4.10)" (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: I should've known, Barbie. Hell, you have been impersonating a doctor since the first day you got here.

Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie, the guy's a sexist pig. He's gonna eat you alive.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, I'm not the same doctor I was four years ago. I'm smarter, I'm more confident...
Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just skip the rest of your "I'll show you speech" and just walk away in a huff. I'm very busy. Thank you!

Dr. Perry Cox: Life is pointless, Gandhi and I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. The only thing more pointless than life itself is being a doctor. I mean, bottom line, you spend eight years and 200G's trying to get through med school and what do you have to show for it? I'll tell ya. A diploma on your wall and a bullseye on your back.

Carla: And you reminded him that people are basically good.
Dr. Perry Cox: People suck. They suck. And make no mistake about it, even sweet little old ladies are looking to bend you over a chair in court. Come on.
Dr. Perry Cox: We covered people.
Carla: And I know you wouldn't never do anything to ruin his innocence.
Dr. Perry Cox: You see, there's a compartment in the hat. So the stinkin' rabbit is actually in there the whole time, right?

Carla: Here's what's going to happen. You're going to drop this lawsuit because it's wrong and you know it. But also because if you don't, I'm going to pound the plaid right off of that shirt and make it so that the only way you'll be able to eat pie is through a straw!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Jordan's making me stretch out her new jeans.
Dr. Perry Cox: Cry me a river. Guess what Gandhi's wife is making me do because if supposedly "broke his spirit".
Harvey Corman: Ever since the operation, I've been serving lefty so it could be a little unpredictable.


"Scrubs: My Lunch (#5.20)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: [after Jill Tracey's death] The moment you start blaming yourself for peoples deaths, theres no coming back.

J.D.: Where are you going, your shift's not over. Hey! Remember what you told me? The second you start blaming yourself for people's deaths, there's no coming back.
Dr. Cox: Yeah. You're right.

AIDS Worker: Excuse me, could you spare a few minutes for AIDS research?
Dr. Cox: Yes, I can, but I'm not sure how much we'll get done. I'll tell you what, we'll go over there and brainstorm while we wolf down these sandwiches.

J.D.: [Dr.Cox unknowingly transplanted donor organs infected with rabies into three people. Despite the team's best efforts to combat the infection, two of the recipients have recently died. Dr.Cox is sitting despondently on a couch when J.D. walks in. Narrating] I knew that Dr.Cox needed me the exact same way I'd needed him earlier.
J.D.: [Presenting a bag of take-away food] Hey! Hungry?
Dr. Cox: No.
J.D.: Guess that lunch waskind of a one-time thing, huh?
J.D.: There's no way you could've seen that coming. I mean *rabies*? C'mon, there's like three reported cases a year. In fact, testing for it would've been irresponsible. You would've been wasting time those people didn't have.
Dr. Cox: I was *obsessed* with getting those organs.
J.D.: You had to be. The fact is those people were gonna die in a number of hours and you had to make the call! I would've made the same call.
Dr. Cox: Really?
J.D.: Yes! Anyway, I got us lunch and I think we should eat it.
[J.D. produces two burgers from the bag]
J.D.: [Narrating] Right then I knew I was gonna pull him out of this. But unfortunately, sometimes the hospital picks a day when it's just gonna pile it on.
Dr. Cox: [Both J.D. and Dr.Cox's pagers go off. Dr.Cox looks at his and despairs] Oh God, C'mon!
Dr. Cox: [Dr.Cox is shown passionately trying to revive the last patient who recieved an infected organ with a defibrilator, but the patient dies anyway. Dr.Cox shouts and turns over a table in frustration. After he calms down, J.D. enters the room] He wasn't about to die, was he? He... could've waited another month for a kidney.
J.D.: [as Dr.Cox walks away] Where you going? Your shift's not over! Hey! Remember what you told me: Once you start blaming yourself for peoples' deaths, there's no going back.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you're right!
[Dr.Cox walks out of the ward and closes the door behind him as J.D. looks on]

Dr. Cox: All right, people, gather round. Here we go. Now, I'm sure we all recognize just how rare it is to get a win like this; but since we are surrounded by patients who are clinging to life, I'm going to give kudos in whisper form.
[whispering]
Dr. Cox: And since I'm an egomaniac, first props come to me; let me hear it, people.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [whispering] You are some kind of super hero.
Carla: [whispering] You're a god.
Elliot: [whispering] You're a beautiful healer.
Dr. Cox: [still whispering] This was not a complete and total solo effort; it was an extraordinary job done by each and every one of you.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I can't hear a word he's saying!
Dr. Cox: Be older, Bob.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Well, just because I can't hear your silly-ass whispering doesn't mean I'm old! Matter of fact, I'm going to my office and tinker with my new computer.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Uh, what kind is it?
Dr. Bob Kelso: It's about 3.30... Ah ah ah, I heard what he said, people; but damn, that joke's a classic.


"Scrubs: My Overkill (#2.1)" (2002)
Troubador: I have other songs, you know
Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, you do.

Dr. Perry Cox: You know, Bob, I've been thinking about all the times that you've manipulated me and toyed with me, and, well, I can't help but recall that children's fable about the race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him; but right at the end - gosh, I'm sure you remember what happened, Bob - the tortoise bit clean-through the chief of medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive, right there on the racetrack. It's a... disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me, nonetheless.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Buzzy, buzz, buzz...
Dr. Perry Cox: I... beg your pardon?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Oh, uh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound!

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Okay, fine: I'm sorry I slept with your ex-wife!
Nurse Laverne Roberts: I think I'll sit back down.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: It was an accident.
Dr. Perry Cox: Look... First of all, it's not like you tripped and fell into her... and then out of her... and then into her... again. And, second of all, you're smart enough to know that I don't want to talk about this; I don't want to know where you did it; I don't even want to know... how it was.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: A little scary - - Sorry! Jitters!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] And here come the fireworks...
Dr. Perry Cox: I know you didn't have any idea who she was, and I understand why you were too nervous to tell me. So, whatta ya say we leave it at that? I forgive you; you are forgiven. Okay?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] Cool.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Damn.

Dr. Perry Cox: [holding J.D.'s pager] Do you know how I know that this is yours, Farrah? 'Cause when I paged you earlier, someone found it next to a can of Fresca and a dog-eared copy of Teen People magazine. Anyway - long story, short: The whole incident gave me a bang-up idea; because, you see, I've got tomorrow off. So I'm gonna be on my couch, sipping on some scotch and paging you every twenty seconds. And if you don't answer every damn last one of 'em, I'm gonna shove this thing so far down your throat it's gonna make you take a tinkle every time it goes off.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: First off, I want to thank you all for agreeing to talk.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Bambi, you paged us here.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Be that as it may, I think there are some simple solutions. Dr. Cox, you're angry with me.
Dr. Perry Cox: No, I'm not.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: And you won't admit this, but you're in love with Carla.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, he's not.
Dr. Perry Cox: Actually, I am.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're starting again!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Carla, you're mad Turk didn't trust you enough to tell you.
Dr. Christopher Turk: See, trust, woman, trust!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Whatever, the point is that Turk is sorry.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Not anymore.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I can't believe you thought he was a threat!
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm a threat.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're not in love with me, you idolioze me.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: If we could just try to stay focused...
Dr. Christopher Turk: You're mad because I'm scared of losing you?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Yes, because we're stronger than that!
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] Apparently not!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You should be glad I never took our relationship for granted, you silly woman!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: If we could just refrain from name-calling...
Dr. Perry Cox: Oprah's right!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Lay off of him!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're just pissed because you're still in love with your ex!
Dr. Perry Cox: [slams his fist down on the table] Okay, that's it! Now, I have killed for so much less than that, and I'll damn sure do it again unless you all shut the hell up right now, and I MEAN NOW!
[they all disperse]


"Scrubs: My Own Worst Enemy (#7.1)" (2007)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What is wrong with me?
Dr.Perry Cox: You're an annoying, whiny man-child.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That question wasn't directed at you!
Dr.Perry Cox: What question?

Dr.Perry Cox: [seeing Beardfacé in the room] Beardface! What do you say?
Dr. Beardface: [angry] It's Beardfacé! Why do you people insist on calling me "Beardface"?
Joe Hutnik: [clears his throat] May I?
Dr.Perry Cox: Go for it.
Joe Hutnik: Well, I just got here, but if I had to guess, I would say it's because your face is, like, five-sixths beard.
Dr. Beardface: Damn you!
[storms off]

Dr.Perry Cox: Mr. Hutnik, I see here you are admitted for swollen lymph nodes and abdominal pain.
Joe Hutnik: I'm also having heart palpitations.
Dr.Perry Cox: Oh, I think I can help you with that one; you see, I am very, very handsome.
Joe Hutnik: I was gonna say.

Dr. Christopher Turk: [Dr. Beardfacé walks into the room] What it do, Beardface?
Dr. Beardface: [crossly] It's Beardfacé. Beard*facé*!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Calm down, Seymour.
Dr.Perry Cox: If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta shave the beard. 'Course, then you'd be Dr. Face.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Hah! Dr. Face.
Dr. Beardface: Damn you all!
[storms off]
Dr. Christopher Turk: I wonder what he's hiding under all that hair.

Dr.Perry Cox: That's it! Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the First Annual Sacred Heart Who-Caresies Awards, designed to honor those people who believe that others actually give a rat's ass about the minutiae of their lives.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] The weird thing was, I think we all really wanted to win.
[J.D.'s fantasy starts]
Dr.Perry Cox: And the nominees are Barbie Reid for "What Am I Gonna Do About My Ex-Fiancé?"; Dame Judy Dorian for "I'm Done Self-Sabotaging"; Gandhi for "I've Got Candy In My Teeth"; The Todd for "Look At My New Shirt!".
[on Todd's shirt is written SHHH! DONG SLEEPING]
Dr.Perry Cox: And the winner is... Dame Judy Dorian! This is Dame Judy Dorian's first nomination and first win.
[J.D.'s fantasy ends]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] Suck on that, Tony Shaloub!


"Scrubs: Her Story (#4.5)" (2004)
Dr. Cox: How, uh, how old is this patient?
Elliot: Seventy-nine.
Dr. Cox: And... how old would you say he was when you started this procedure?
Elliot: [thinking] The more I thought about how awesome Molly is, the more I got sick of Dr. Cox's crap.
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, I could fly to China, adopt a child, raise her, send her to medical school, and then train her to do this procedure in the time it's taking you to finish.
Elliot: [thinking] Enough! He's never been there for you! Burn this bridge once and for all!
Dr. Cox: Barbie, honest to God, if you...
Elliot: You know what, Dr. Cox? I have so had it with this whole macho alpha-male thing, and I have heard every tired, recycled put-down you have in you. So, from now on, save your stupid lessons for someone who gives a frick, because honestly, I don't even wanna see you or the stupid poodle perm of yours unless it's walking away from me.

Dr. Cox: Oh, whoa, now. What happened to - what happened to feisty Barbie, huh? You know, it took me a helluva lot to shake off that tongue-lashing you gave me yesterday.
Elliot: Yeah, well, yesterday I had a mentor, but she turned out to be insane. I mean, how am I supposed to take professional advice from somebody who can't even hold together their personal life?
Dr. Cox: Look, I know you and I have never really connected - maybe that's because you're relentlessly annoying, or maybe it's my fault because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people - I don't know. But answer me one question: Do you think I'm a good teacher?
Elliot: To some people.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Why don't we go ahead and take a look at my personal life? I am in love with a woman that I hate, my two-year-old son calls me "Pewwy," and - this is something that I've never actually shared with anybody before, but - on Saturday nights, I like to throw on a nice dress, go out to dive bars, and insist that everybody call me Mrs. Haberdasher!
Elliot: [laughs, then thinks] No, you don't.
Dr. Cox: Well, even if I did, it wouldn't really matter since that has nothing to do with how good of a teacher I am. Stick with me here, Barbie. The point is that if you finally found somebody who makes you believe in yourself as much as you did yesterday, well, I would think twice before I wrote that person off.

J.D.: Okay, everybody, gather around please?
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I need to talk to you?
J.D.: I'm a little busy right now, Perry!
Dr. Cox: Oh. My fault, I'll come back later.
J.D.: Oh, and another thing, From now on, I'd prefer it if you'd address me as "Dr. Dorian."
Dr. Cox: [sotto] Are you really doing this?
J.D.: [sotto] You bet your ass I am. And from now on, if you have a problem with me, you come see me in private, not in front of my boys! My boys got enough to worry about!
Dr. Cox: [sotto] Wrap it up, there, bingo.
J.D.: I simply will not tolerate it, Perry! And neither will my boys!
Dr. Cox: [sotto] The next minute you find yourself alone, I'm gonna kill ya.
J.D.: [sotto] It was worth it.

Dr. Cox: Tell you what, there, Gidget, if you promise to leave right now, I won't yell at you in front of your peons anymore.
J.D.: You ruined my credibility! Now look me in the eyes and tell me that's not messed up!
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Later on today when you are with your residents, I'll come up for something, you'll tell me you're too busy in a manly way, and I will contritely turn around and walk out of the room with my tail between my legs. Problem solved.
J.D.: Can you pull off contrite?
Dr. Cox: Can you pull off manly way?
J.D.: Should have seen that coming.

Dr. Cox: Gloria, you're supposed to start at 7 o'clock and it's now 7. 03.
J.D.: I'm sorry I was late but I was singing and I fell. And I know I've used the falling excuse before but it's happened again


"Scrubs: My Boss's Free Haircut (#4.20)" (2005)
Dr. Kelso: Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter cause I was a doctor. And I used that to sleep with all those mothers. That's what "house call" used to mean.
Dr. Cox: Those were the good old, incredibly disturbing, days, Bob.

Dr. Cox: I will tell you one thing, though. If you even want to have an outside chance of reaching someone nowadays... you damn sure better speak from your heart.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Perry.
Dr. Cox: Blow it out your ass, Bob.

Dr. Cox: You my friend look do damn leathery I am actually considering synching you up, wrap you around a baseball and stick you under the mattress so that you're good and broken in for the big game on Sunday, BUT, since I'm here to heal not judge, I'm gonna write you a couple of prescriptions. You'll find this first one is for an oversized mallet so you can pound some sense into yourself. This next one is for a big floppy hat that your now obligated to where every time you leave the house. Have a nice day, you look like a purse.

Dr. Kelso: I'm tired of patients complaining about being called dummos, tubbos, smokers and jamokers. Whatever the hell jamokers means.
Dr. Cox: I was actually saying 'jokers' and I had coffee cake in my mouth.

Dr. Cox: [as Kelso sits next to him on the couch] What is it, Bob?
Dr. Kelso: When the hell did patients stop respecting us? I really tried to help that young woman and she rolled over me like Enid's wheelchair over Baxter's tail.
Dr. Cox: Uh?
Dr. Kelso: Enid was recently paralyzed. I haven't told anyone.
Dr. Cox: Mh.
Dr. Kelso: Anyway, I couldn't handle the patients; so go ahead, take your shots.
Dr. Cox: I want to, Bob, I really do; but my first patient today was a snot-nosed little punk who wouldn't let me give him a rectal exam unless I said "pretty please" first, and... I'm not just big on begging strangers to stick my hand up their butt, not even in my private time.
Dr. Kelso: Remember when being a doctor meant that people would look up to you?
Dr. Cox: Yeah...
Dr. Kelso: Ah... when I first started out, I could take this old white coat out, get a free haircut or a nice table at the restaurant... and hell, I never once got a speeding ticket.
Dr. Cox: People used to give me cards and gifts and sometimes even a pie just for doing my job.
Dr. Kelso: Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter because I was a doctor... and I used that to sleep with all those mothers, because that's what "house call" used to mean.
Dr. Cox: Those were the good old, incredibly disturbing, days, Bob. Today people think of us as drug-dispensing walking lawsuits who are in fact less informed than their Internet phones.
Dr. Kelso: So that's what that damn thing was...
Dr. Cox: I will tell you one thing, though: if you even want to have an outside chance of reaching someone nowadays you damn sure better speak from your heart.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Perry.
Dr. Cox: Blow it out your ass, Bob.


"Scrubs: My Jiggly Ball (#5.4)" (2006)
Dr. Bob Kelso: This Friday, I am receiving an award from the A.M.A...
Dr. Perry Cox: Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year! Uh, don't you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I'd Pay Someone To Kill Ya and Stuff Ya and Leave you by my Bed, So That When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face... of the Year.

Dr. Perry Cox: Look, if you get up there and start kissing Kelso's ass, all your fellow attendings will forever think of you as a brown-nosing toady. On the other hand, if you don't pucker up, Kelso will make your life a living hell. You're officially trapped.
J.D.: I'll just say something nice about him that's actually true.
Dr. Perry Cox: You go do that. And I'll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally, and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible. Mm'kay?

Dr. Perry Cox: Mr. Morrison, I understand that one of our interns spent an hour in here telling you over and over that you are going to die. I would make him apologize personally, but I'm having him spend the rest of the day checking that countertop's heartbeat.
Keith: [Standing and waving] Sorry, Mr. Morrison!
Dr. Perry Cox: KEITH! I think Mr. Countertop would really appreciate your undivided attention.

J.D.: Can you believe Elliot's working in a free clinic?
Dr. Perry Cox: Who?
J.D.: Dr. Reid?
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm sorry, that's just not ringing a bell.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: She and J.D. used to sleep together.
Dr. Perry Cox: J.D.?
J.D.: That's not even funny!
Dr. Perry Cox: Priscilla, I honestly, on my mother's grave, thought your real name was Carol.

J.D.: Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Bob Kelso is a...
Dr. Bob Kelso: [Rises and takes the mic] Thank you, Dr. Dorian!
[the audience claps]
Dr. Bob Kelso: Thank you so much for this award. Delighted to see you all...
Dr. Perry Cox: Did I say he wanted a long introduction? Because Kelso just, he just likes when people say his name. Hope you didn't obsess too much about that, Newbie.


"Scrubs: My Malpractical Decision (#4.9)" (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh my God! I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time. I'm gavomiting!

Dr. Perry Cox: Can I ask you a personal question? Just how long has it been since you swept the stuffed animals off your bed, thrown your ankles up in the air, and thanked whatever god you pray to that you didn't have on your granny panties?

Dr. Perry Cox: Okay, missy. Knowing damn well that you'll sue if the slightest thing should go wrong with this elective procedure, we're gonna go ahead and elect not to do it.
Neena Broderick: You can't do that.
Dr. Perry Cox: Really? Bob?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Hospitals can refuse treatment on a non-emergency patient. Here's a list of places we can refer you to. Thanks for playing.

Neena Broderick: Thank you. And I hope I didn't ruffle your feathers too much while I was here.
Dr. Perry Cox: Sweetheart, I find it amusing that you think you're so much as a blip on my radar. Better go ahead and jot this down in your little lawyer notebook: Nothing you could do could ever, hee-hever get to me.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Listen, I know you hate everything about Miss Broderick, but her father is in need of medical care, and it's our medical obligation to treat him whether his daughter is a murderer, a drug addict, or a terrorist.
Dr. Perry Cox: I know, but a lawyer?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Even a lawyer.


"Scrubs: My Day at the Races (#5.3)" (2006)
Turk: My appendectomy patient wants me to use hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
Dr. Cox: Look, and I'd like to throw in Gwen Stefani tonight instead of Jordan, but that ain't gonna happen either.
Carla: Dr Cox!
Turk: Dr Cox! No! Awful!

Dr. Cox: Jordan, here's the plan: I'm gonna go ahead and and cram an entire evening's worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one - I've worked with her before - she has no off button.
Carla: [to Elliot] If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?
Jordan: Who's Jake?
Dr. Cox: Jordan!... No!
Elliot: He's this guy that I've been going out with for a while, but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off, you know?
Jordan: [Pointing at Cox behind her hand] Uh, sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?
Dr. Cox: Jordan Godzilla Sullivan! You stop that, and you stop it now!
Jordan: Why don't you try talking to humans for once? You might enjoy it!
Carla: Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up? You know like Turk can be a little... immature - you know, like I always have to talk about my feelings over dinner or shut off his iPod during sex. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.
Dr. Cox: Or... maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on fifty pounds, start collecting knick-knacks and meet your future now. You know... before the loneliness burns too much?
[Hopping in his seat]
Dr. Cox: Wooooo-ohhhhh!
[Laughing]
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I did enjoy that!

Turk: Why are all these cameras here?
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, this is quite the event here at Sacred Fart.
[Laughs heartily]
Dr. Kelso: I can't help it, it kills me! Yeah, we got visiting doctors, video crews, even that Japanese newsanchor who slept with me when I convinced her I was an oil tycoon.
[Turk looks over at the young Asian woman]
Dr. Kelso: If she comes over here, my name is T-Bone!
Dr. Cox: We're also getting a good bit of interest from the seismologists at CalTech, who I understand will be able to chart the magnitude of the scream emanating from your hypnosis patient, as well as, of course, the numerous afterscreams that are sure to follow.
Turk: No interviews!

Turk: What the hell was I thinking?
Carla: No, you did great, baby.
Dr. Kelso: She's right, Turkleton. Hell, without anesthesia, you made it halfway through a surgery. I bet you could publish that.
Dr. Cox: Maybe they'll put it in Almost Magazine.
Dr. Kelso: You know, Perry, it wouldn't hurt you to make some noise around here.
Dr. Cox: How's this? Blow it out your ass, Bob.


"Scrubs: My Dirty Secret (#3.9)" (2003)
Mr. Randolph: Do you know what channel that Queer Guy show is on?
[inferring that J.D. is gay. J.D. just stares at him]
Dr. Cox: Go ahead, you can tell him.
J.D.: Bravo, Tuesdays at 10, 9 central, 8 Mountain.
[Mr. Randolph nods as if to say 'thought so']

J.D.: You don't want to end up like the Randolphs back there, just not saying a word to each other, do you?... You wish WE were more like the Randolphs, don't you?
Dr. Cox: [looking up & smiling blissfully] God save me, I do. I reeeeally do!

J.D.: You know, Dr. Cox, we've known each other for over two years. Let me in, okay? Help me help you, help me help you, help me help you...
Dr. Cox: [interrupting] Stop it!
J.D.: Help me help you.
Dr. Cox: Fine, Newbie. Let me, let me tell you a little story. It starts every day at 5 in the morning which is just about the time that you're setting your hair for work when I am awakened by a sound. Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? No, that's my son. He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big that I'm actually considering hiring a stable boy but I go ahead and dig in because I do love the lad and gosh, you know me. I'm a giver and
[whistles]
Dr. Cox: I'm off to the hospital where my cup runneth over with both quality colleagues such as yourself and a proverbial clown car full of sick people. But, what the hey, my pay is about the same as guys who break rocks with other rocks and I only have to work three or four hundred hours a week so, so far I'm a pretty happy camper. And then I head back home where I am greeted by the faint musk of baby vomit in a house that used to smell like, well... nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I-I-In fact, it used to smell like nothing at all and all I want to do before I restart this whole glorious cycle is, you know... maybe lay on the couch and have a beer, watch some Sports Center and, if I'm not too sweaty for the day's labors stick my hand right down my pants buuut apparently that's not in Jordan's definition of pulling your weight. So, uh... there you are, superstar. Fix that.

[Dr. Cox explains his problems to J.D]
Dr. Cox: There you are, superstar. Fix that.
J.D.: Well, that's easy! Just tell her about it. Tell her everything you feel.
Dr. Cox: Should I give her every reason to accept that I'm for real?
J.D.: First of all, no-one understands relationships like Billy Joel, okay? "Uptown Girl" got me through high school - long story for another day.


"Scrubs: My Common Enemy (#4.7)" (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: Boy oh boy! Looks like you pissed off the wrong guy there, crunchy. Trust me. He'll make you pay.
Dr. Molly Clock: Oh, Dr. Kelso's all bust. I bet underneath it all he's a sweetheart.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh no, underneath it all he is pure evil.
Dr. Molly Clock: Perry, no one's pure evil, I mean yeah some people have a hard outer shell, but inside everybody has a creamy center.
Dr. Perry Cox: There are, plenty of people here, on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside!
Dr. Molly Clock: So they have more of a nougaty center?
Dr. Perry Cox: Lady. People aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard coated bastards with bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.
Dr. Molly Clock: I'm touching your creamy center!
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh I am so very angry that I'm going to find someone to kill just to prove her wrong.

Dr. Perry Cox: Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down, are filled with kindness and caring!
Dr. Kelso: Well that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.
Dr. Perry Cox: Exactly!

Dr. Christopher Turk: You know, on The Sopranos, if a guy caught his brother with his girlfriend, he'd just rub his ass out.
J.D.: Oh, believe you me, the second I get Dan alone, there's gonna be some serious ass rubbing... I shouldn't smack talk.
Dan Dorian: [arriving] Hey, mind if I join you guys?
Dr. Perry Cox: [arriving too] The question you should be asking is "Mind if I diddle your ex?". Oh... and just a great big congratulations on your ongoing streak of being the world's worst older brother.
[leaves]
Dan Dorian: [stands, then smiles] Thanks, Coxy.
J.D.: [narrating] I knew it was my turn to let Dan have it, but for some reason I wasn't mad.
[out loud]
J.D.: Listen, Dan...
Dan Dorian: J.D., let me explain. I came to the hospital to see you... and I ran into Elliot and it just happened. It was an one-time thing.
J.D.: I'm OK with it.
Dan Dorian: Great, because it's going on for a few weeks! Elliot's amazing: smart, funny... hhhot! I was in a dark place and she saved me, she really did. I haven't feel this good since my dad died.
J.D.: Our dad.
Dan Dorian: Right.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Hold on. When Carla and I came home yesterday, we heard something; did you two hook up in J.D.'s room?
Dan Dorian: A friend wouldn't ask, a gentleman wouldn't tell.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Did you?
Dan Dorian: Twice. We didn't go under the sheets, out of respect.
J.D.: [sarcastically] How thoughtful!

Dr. Kelso: Dr Clock, may I have a word?
Dr. Perry Cox: Uh-oh... it's payback time...
Dr. Kelso: I got you a present for your trip to Mexico: it's my old Spanish-to-English dictionary. I don't need it anymore, I've mastered the language.
Dr. Molly Clock: Gracias, señor!
Dr. Kelso: You're welcom-o!


"Scrubs: My Big Bird (#5.8)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: And the category is... DING! "Things that have a better chance of happening than YOU winning the lottery." Tedscape, throw ten seconds on the clock, would you please? And GO! Brain transplants, Britney Spears having another hit record, the Rolling Stones going on a farewell tour and actually meaning it, me caring about just ANYTHING that happens on Wysteria Lane, Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar, Jessica Alba winning an Oscar, Jessica Simpson becoming Jessica Alba Simpson...

Dr. Bob Kelso: Who the hell ate my scone?
Dr. Cox: That would be me, Bobbo, and it was delicious - my compliments to the lady.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I made those!
Dr. Cox: I know!

Dr. Bob Kelso: I've heard enough. Let's call it and go to lunch.
Dr. Cox: Just hold on! That is NOT the way it works, Bobbo. This is important, dammit. You sit back down and get on with it.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Perry, I'm in charge.

Dr. Cox: Wait, wait, let me get on in this! Let's also have a toast to Mr Forster's widow and his fatherless kids.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox, it wasn't our fault.
Dr. Cox: Because you are lucky! You know as well as I do, it could have been any one of your faults. Congrats again! Have a well party!


"Scrubs: My Life in Four Cameras (#4.17)" (2005)
Carla: Well?
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, would you please repeat the question?
Carla: Are you just gonna roll over like that?
Jordan: That's weird, I asked him the same thing last night.
Carla: Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate?
Jordan: Again, last night!
Carla: You've gone soft.
Jordan: [gasps] Okay, now it's getting spooky.
Carla: Look, you're the only one who can stand up to Kelso.
Dr. Cox: Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present Man Not Caring.
Carla: Okay, Jordan, little help.
Jordan: If you don't do what she wants, I'm going to stop having sex with you and start making love... to you.
Dr. Cox: Where is that bastard? KELSO!

Dr. Cox: I wanted to tell you that you're doing a great job. Boy, that meatloaf today, it was virtually hairless.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What the hell are we supposed to do?
Dr. Cox: Loretta... relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV-induced panic there is: poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, monkey pox, Pop Rocks, toilet snakes, mad cow, bird flu, swine flu and, quite frankly, every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicate with the animal it's named for. And, as a parting gift, I will tell you this: narrow it down to two symptoms, vomiting and diarrhea, because it's just not E. coli unless it's firing out both exits.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Sure hope I don't have dog flu...

Jordan: Oh, for God's sake, Perry... adjust your bra, man up and fire the one with the least pathetic story.
Dr. Cox: Do you really think I know any of these people's stories?
The Janitor: Well... let me fill you in. First we have Hank: four kids, trying to make it on a dishwasher's salary. Next to him is Mike: lost half his leg in a motorcycle accident. And then there's Judy: been here 30 years... just two away from retirement.
Jordan: You're... you're friend with all these people?
The Janitor: Are you kidding me? I read their files! I read everybody's files, Ms Maniac-Depressive... Dr Drinks-a-lot...
Dr. Cox: Hold your horses...! Just tell me who the last person hired was, would you, please?
Kenny: [arriving holding a coffee pot] Looks like you folks could use a refresher! Ah, serving people like you who save lives every day makes me happier then a kitten chasing a leaky cow, ah ah ah! God bless you... God bless you...
[walks away]
Dr. Cox: I have to fire Opie, don't I?
Jordan: You think?


"Scrubs: My Bed Banter & Beyond (#1.15)" (2002)
Dr. Perry Cox: Bravo, just a big bravo! Heaven help me, I love newbie theatre! Honest, I do! It's the way you both play your parts, with such wonderful commitment, that almost had me believing that you *aren't* having whiny, neurotic, extremely pale sex with each other.

Dr. Perry Cox: Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they, won't they, and then they finally do and they're happy forever... gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with and half the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now through all the stuff I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies, and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line is, couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time if it's right and they're real lucky. One of them will say something.

Dr. Perry Cox: [whistles]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Good morning, Dr Cox!
Dr. Perry Cox: We are short-staffed today because Kelso has volunteered all of you scat monkeys for some psychologist's research project, give me a break, which means of course you won't be helping patients; instead... oh, you'll be blabbering about your feelings and what is like working in the hospital and how that affects your personal lives and wah, wah, wah!
[Kelso approaches]
Dr. Perry Cox: And there he is now, oh, big Bob-o himself. Ok;
[whistles]
Dr. Perry Cox: all nurses and interns let's gather around and dance for the puppet master.
[starts to dance like a puppet]
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh yes, dance!
Dr. Bob Kelso: It's not just the nurses and interns...
Dr. Perry Cox: [freezed in the dance] Don't be that guy, Bob...

Dr. Cox: ...And bam! The shine's off the apple. And that's when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn't a pretty little girl at all. No, she's a man-eater. And I'm not talking about the "whoa-whoa, here she comes" kind of man-eater. I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dishtowel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. Of course, I may have tormented her from time to time; but, honest to God, that's what I thought marriage was all about. So much so that, by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more - her or me? I used to sit around and wonder... why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other, like we were. And here, it turns out, the answer's pretty simple: They weren't unhappy. We were.


"Scrubs: My Deja Vu, My Deja Vu (#5.22)" (2006)
Dr. Perry Cox: How's about we act like adults here and lay our cards on the table. You know that you're not exactly my favorite person in this dump, and I say that knowing full well that you feel the same way about me.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I started an "I Hate Cox" chatroom. Hasn't really worked out the way I planned - it's me, two interns, and 14,000 lesbians.

Dr. Cox: I never went to Acapulco, Mrs. Goldstein. I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that my victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance. Then, I realized that that tactic would never work, as I'd be sent straight to hell, which I imagine is actually a lot like Acapulco only there would be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach.

Dr. Cox: Barbie, why did you order this test? For the love of god, are you a real doctor or a doctor like doctor pepper is a doctor?

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Elliot, do you ever get déjà vu around here?
Dr. Cox: Ah, Barbie, there you are! Thank God!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Unfortunately, yes...
Dr. Cox: As you know, I can't make a decision without your help, so here goes: on Oprah there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's eating disorder, but on E! there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's fabulous new Tribeca loft. Don't get me wrong, I want to watch something about Lindsay Lohan; I'm just a little lost, here.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: FYI, that loft is Lohan-tastic... it's vintage Lindsay.
Dr. Cox: Ah...
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox, when you walked away from Mrs Goldstein, anyone could've thought you were in trouble.
Dr. Cox: I had to go to the bathroom, Barbie...
[whistles]
Dr. Cox: People, from now on, if anyone needs to take a leak, please notify Dr Reid; it is a pet peeve of hers.


"Scrubs: My Brother, Where Art Thou? (#3.5)" (2003)
Dan: [as Dr. Cox leaves at the end of his shift, J.D.'s brother Dan is waiting for him outside the hospital entrance] Hey, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy.
Dan: You don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? I'm a screw-up. Always have been.
[laughs]
Dan: Ever since we were kids, my mom always made me walk Johnny to school first day every year, and every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school...
[laughs]
Dan: ...just 'cause.
Dr. Cox: Boy, that's a great story, really. And I'm sure you're just a horrible big brother...
Dan: [smiles in mock humility] Well...
Dr. Cox: ...but I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed. Turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his deathbed.
Dan: Hey, listen, Dr. Cox, no offense, I'm a big fan of the tough guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you LOVE the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we KNEW was going someplace. Sweet kid. Smart kid. Becoming a doctor? This is ALL he ever wanted, and yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turn him into some kind of cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny is never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So I'm askin' - I'm tellin' you: take that responsibility seriously, stop being such a hard-ass. Otherwise, you're gonna have to answer to me.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] Love can give you strength you never knew you had.
Dan: [holds out his hand to Cox] It's good seeing you, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: [takes Dan's hand and shakes it] Good to see you, Dan. All the best.
[walks away]

Dan: Yeah but these are living, breathing people here...
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, what is it you do again?
Dan: I'm a bartender.
Dr. Cox: Well, Dan, I'm gonna go ahead and worry about how we do things around here. But if I ever need to make a top notch rum and coke, well, by golly, mister, you better be right by the phone cause I might just give you a jingle.
[Dr. Cox begins to walk away]
Dr. Cox: [makes a ringing noise] Dan, Cox-a-roony, regarding the rum and coke issue... could not be more confused...

Dr. Cox: Newbie! Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [ashamed] Yes...
Dr. Cox: I've never felt closer to you.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Doctor Cox, Dan was wondering if he could trail with us today.
Dr. Cox: Good God in heaven, Newbie. There are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never. Not in a million years. Absolutely not. No way, Jose. No chance, Lance. Nyet. Negatori. Mm-mm. Nuh-uh. Uh-uh. And of course, my own personal favorite of all time, man falling off of a cliff. Noooooooooo!


"Scrubs: My Intern's Eyes (#5.1)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: Bob, I'm not planning on doing any paperwork. But i did go ahead and leave my urine sample on your drive side car door.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, your lips, my ass... they should meet.

J.D.: I don't need your approval or your stupid man cards. But the lettering is darling, have you ever done calligraphy?
Dr. Cox: [takes a man card from JD] Thank you!
J.D.: Dammit!

Dr. Kelso: Who the hell is responsible for not treating that man?
Dr. Cox: Well Bobbo, I was going to treat him but I lost my stethoscope...
J.D.: He's my patient Bob!
[Kelso and Cox turn around]
J.D.: I'm responsible!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, I've kept my mouth shut about the recent sexual harrassment complaints because I don't think it's fair to punish a man for making small talk. Or say, asking his secretary for just once, to dress up as a geisha girl and call him "Kelso San"...
J.D.: What?
Dr. Kelso: Nothing! But now I need to know, is this the type of attending you're going to be?
J.D.: I guess so.

Dr. Kelso: Well at least there's one attending around I can count on.
Elliot: Oh the hell with it, Bob- I don't work here! Have a good one!
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.
Dr. Cox: It hates you, Bob!


"Scrubs: My Karma (#2.16)" (2003)
Dr. Cox: [Jordan has just told J.D. that Dr. Cox is the father of her child] What are you two talking about?
J.D.: Apartheid.
Jordan: It's wrong.

Jordan: I'll say, Perry, the only way I could've felt more taken care of is if I were at a four-star resort, or a spa, or a Third World country where you've to boil your own sewage if you want something to drink. Oh, and by the way... giant, giant feather in your cap for how much power you wield in this hospital after 15 years!
Dr. Cox: Oh, come on, come on, Jordan... I'm so sorry everything fell apart today, honest to God I am; but I guarantee that when you get here tomorrow Dr Gerson will, in fact, be in the super-deluxe birthing suite, so that you can go ahead and have that storybook, drug-addled, Pitocin induced pregnancy that you've always dreamed of ever since you were a little girl. But, in the meantime, you gotta cut me a little slack. I mean, come on... it's not like I see the real father running around here busting his hump!
Jordan: Oh, that's nice! I'm going home...
Dr. Cox: No... no, you're not.
Jordan: Bye-bye...
Dr. Cox: Jordan, your water just broke.
Jordan: This kid's annoying me already...

Carla: What do you do when you get scared?
Dr. Cox: Run away, get a divorce, drink alone... You know, the classics. The thing is that, this time, I am killing myself for this woman, and I'm still getting my ass handed to me.
Carla: There is no Shangri-La, you know? Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still want to be there when things really suck.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, well, I'm not so sure.
Carla: [encouraging] It'll come to you.

Dr. Cox: So, now... why'd you finally agree to marry Gandhi?
Carla: Well, he's amazing in bed... and he has an awesome CD collection.
Dr. Cox: Seriously, what got you to the point where you weren't scared any more?
Carla: Please! I'm still terrified! I mean, good luck finding a pen cap at the nurses' station. Know why?
Dr. Cox: Why?
Carla: Ate 'em all.
Dr. Cox: Sounds like good roughage to me.


"Scrubs: My Mirror Image (#6.1)" (2006)
Carla: You know, maybe Jordan's right, maybe it's time you start dealing with your anger issues.
Dr. Cox: Carla, for something to be an issue, it needs to cause a problem. I mean, honestly, aside from having to, by-law, remain thirty feet away from a certain telemarketer who I visited while he was eating his dinner, I don't see the downside.

J.D.: My life is over.
Dr. Cox: Oh come on, you gotta focus on the positives. For instance, the medical miracle that is one woman actually impregnating another woman.
[claps his hands together]
Dr. Cox: Sha-daisy!
[J.D. walks away]
Turk: Coincidentally, I have a cousin named Shedaisy.
Dr. Cox: WHAT?

Jordan Sullivan: [handing him a fork] Welcome home, Perry. Here's the new program: You occasionally lift a finger helping with Jack, and I'm gonna try to keep from hating the unborn baby in my belly that's made my ass so big, I can't fit the whole thing on a toilet when I pee eight hundred times a day! I can't.
Dr. Cox: You love spaghetti. You had some just last night, didn't ya?
Baby Jack: No, I didn't.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, the boy is lying to me.
Jordan Sullivan: Oh, Perry, nobody likes a tattle-tail!

Dr. Cox: Say, Barbie, have you seen any of the interns around?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah. They did so well at rounds, I'm just letting them watch a show
[Cox turns his head and sees all the interns watching television]
Dr. Cox: Oh... hi, interns.
All the Interns: [rising their hands, still watching TV] Hi...
Dr. Cox: Look... you pretty obviously have short-circuited because the odds of you ever actually having a baby are roughly on a par with me finding the Loch Ness monster in my bathtub!
Intern: Ssst! I can't hear the TV.
Dr. Cox: Oke... ah... oh...
[Cox becomes suddenly mad and throws the TV out the window]


"Scrubs: My Fifteen Minutes (#1.8)" (2001)
J.D.: [after finding Dr.Cox laying on a couch] Dr. Cox, have you been here the whole time?
Dr. Cox: [sarcastic] No, I came in through the couch door...

Dr. Cox: It's time. Sit down and listen up, Newbie. I suppose you want me to say you're great... That you've raised the bar for interns everywhere?
J.D.: I'm cool with that!
Dr. Cox: Well, I'm not going to say that. You're doing okay. Someday you might even be better than that. But right now, all I see is a guy who's so preoccupied with wondering what everyone else thinks about him, that he doesn't have anytime to think whether or not he believes in himself. Did you ever wonder why I told you to write your own evaluation?
J.D.: I don't have a safe answer for that. I just figured that... you...
Dr. Cox: Clam up, Newbie! I wanted you to think about yourself... and I mean *really* think!... What are you good at? What do you suck at? And write it down. Not so I could read it, or anyone else could read it. But so *you* could read it! You see in the end, Newbie, you don't have to answer to me, or to Kelso, or even to your patients, for God's sake! The only one you have to answer to, Newbie, is you! There, *you are* evaluated. Now get out of here, because you truly make me so damn mad I might just hurt myself!

[Dr. Cox stands before a room of board members]
Dr. Cox: I would like to make special mention of one intern here: John Dorian. Smart kid, he's extremely confident, and his enthusiasm - and his determination to always be better - is something I see in him twenty-four hours a day. He cares. Probably cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose.


"Scrubs: My Identity Crisis (#7.4)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: Go to hell, Bob.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I didn't even say anything.

Dr. Perry Cox: [examining a radiography] Yeah, that looks like a healthy bone.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Speaking of healthy bones...
Jordan Sullivan: Perry...
Dr. Todd Quinlan: One second, ma'am. I've got one in my pants. He's all yours.
Dr. Perry Cox: [to a surgeon] Why don't we go over this later? Thanks.
Jordan Sullivan: What have you been doing all day?
Dr. Perry Cox: Right up until this very moment I'd been successfully avoiding you.
Jordan Sullivan: I came to tell you I'm taking the kids to my mother's for the weekend. And seeing that you're not allowed within 40 feet of her house...
Dr. Perry Cox: The restraining order!
Jordan Sullivan: Christmas memories... anyhoo, you're staying here. I'm gonna leave you alone to celebrate.

Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie, please stop lumping us in together. Tomorrow is my day off and I am joyous to have my place all to myself. You see, I'm a lot of things: I'm a Scorpio; a registered Independent; a foodie; a Parrothead; yes I do love that Jimmy Buffet, always have, always will; a leg man...
Dr. Bob Kelso: A right bastard.
Dr. Perry Cox: Thank you, Bob. But I can assure you the one thing I am not is...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Straight?
Dr. Perry Cox: Audience participation is now over. The one thing I'm not is lonely. Capisci?


"Scrubs: My Perspective (#6.9)" (2007)
Dr. Elliot Reid: He took care of you when you were wallowing on your couch drinking scotch like it was vodka.
Dr. Perry Cox: I accidentally killed three people. He got arrested for pushing a scooter and he passes out when he poos.

Dr. Cox: Newbie's test results came back. He's got Vasalvago Syncope.
Carla: And that makes you happy?
Dr. Cox: If he's vigorously valsalvic he can activate his reflex and actually lose consciousness. Carla, he'll pass out when he poops!

Dr. Bob Kelso: Hiya! My name is Bob Kelso and I like whores! Now... why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth. Now you take Dorian's intern Brendan, for example: he told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap; and what did the patient do, Doctor?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, well, oh... she... she started to hyperventilate, a-and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank; it turned out to be a helium container from paediatrics. The she screamed
[in a very high-pitched voice]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: "I'll kill you, bitches!",
[in his normal voice again]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Oh, indeed it was. But you know what wasn't? When she ran for the door, tripped and fell and broke her femur. Now she's suing the hospital, and since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?
Ted Buckland: [reading his newspaper] Girlfriend's gonna get paid...
Dr. Christopher Turk: So you called this meeting to say we should lie more?
Dr. Perry Cox: Sorry there, Bobbo, but I'm gonna go ahead and tell the truth whenever I damn well please. For instance, your tie: it's hideous. In fact its only redeeming quality is to divert attention from the very visible outline of your man girdle.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Too mean.
Dr. Perry Cox: Sorry.


"Scrubs: My Screwup (#3.14)" (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: So how come you're not all dressed up?
Ben Sullivan: I am dressed up, you see any holes in these pants? I'm glad you made it... listen, there's one more thing you have to do for me.
Dr. Perry Cox: You can't keep me from getting drunk!
Ben Sullivan: You have to forgive yourself for everything that went down the other day.
Dr. Perry Cox: God, you're... you're so annoying.
Ben Sullivan: Yeah.
Dr. Perry Cox: All right.
Ben Sullivan: Good.
Dr. Perry Cox: Where's your camera, aren't you gonna take some pictures?
J.D.: [enters] Pictures of what?
Dr. Perry Cox: You know, crying babies covered in chocolate, people singing Happy Birthday to my son who have never even met him before, the whole routine!
J.D.: Where do you think we are?
[Cox looks round. Ben has disappeared. The camera pans out and reveals they are in a graveyard, at Ben's funeral]

Dr. Cox: [to Ben] Where's your camera? Aren't you gonna to take any pictures?
J.D.: Pictures of what?
Dr. Cox: [Turns to J.D] Ya know, babies crying with cake all over their faces, people singing "Happy Birthday" to my son who they've never even met. The usual.
J.D.: Where do you think we are?
[Dr. Cox turns back and sees Ben isn't there]
J.D.: [Camera pans as they walk to reveal they are at a funeral. On the casket is a picture of Ben]

Jordan Sullivan: It's Jack's first birthday. I want it to be special. I got a petting zoo for the kids, and we need to figure out something great for the adults.
Dr. Perry Cox: How 'bout a russian roulette booth, and, here's the kicker. We put bullets in all the chambers. That way, everybody wins.


"Scrubs: My Monster (#2.10)" (2002)
J.D.: Morning, Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: He he, Denise, I know it's morning, if it was still last night I'd still be with my extremely pregnant ex wife trying to calm her down with a chair and a whip because I somehow managed to forget to bring home *the curly fries*. Do ya see where I'm going here? Yes? no? Maybe so?
[whistles]

J.D.: You know Perry...
Dr. Cox: Perry?
J.D.: Yeah, I'm tryin' it out. I find that with the ladies, if you're clear with you're intentions right off the bat, they just fall into place. AQ?
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: AQ is sort of a new hit expression meaning "any questions"?
Dr. Cox: Look, don't think I'm impressed because you managed to score a sympathy date with whatever homely-looking girl is managing the gift shop right now.
Lisa: [comes from behind and Dr. Cox is left speechless on seeing her] JD, you ready to go?
J.D.: Oh, yeah, the word you're looking for is 'wow' and the words I'm looking for are in your face.
[while leaving]
J.D.: PO, peace out.

J.D.: [narrating to himself] You never expect a cliche to be an actual conversation starter.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Women... huh?
Dr. Cox: Tell me about it...
J.D.: It's like they're from another planet!
Dr. Cox: OK... I'm going to engage you two in a conversation you will speak of it to no one. Agreed?
J.D.: OK.
Dr. Cox: It has gotten to the point where I'm starting to go back in my head over all my old relationships. I mean, don't get me wrong; I'm not like I'm going to sit here and count up all the women I've ever slept with...
Dr. Christopher Turk: 12
J.D.: 9
Dr. Cox: ...18. But not one of them ever really understood me.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I'm feeling you, man. I consider myself a really romantic guy who's a little stressed out; and I thought the one person who'd understand that would be Carla.
Dr. Cox: The weird thing is that I'm actually trying this time.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I just wonder if I'm what she really wants...
Dr. Cox: I just wonder if I'll ever be able to make it work out with anyone...
J.D.: My peep's on the fritz...
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude!
[laughs]
Dr. Cox: [loughs too] Poor Newbie...
Dr. Christopher Turk: [continuing to laugh] Oh, oh, oh...
J.D.: [Embarassed] No, no, no, no, no, no! No! I'm talking about you, guys! Y... You guys... you guys are, like, my peeps, my dogs... and... you're on the fritz, so... that's where I get "peeps"... "fritz" came from...
Dr. Cox: God love you, Newbie...
Dr. Christopher Turk: [whistles]
Dr. Cox: Thank you for... giving me some prospective.


"Scrubs: My Long Goodbye (#6.15)" (2007)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Somebody just had a baby...
Dr. Perry Cox: How do you know?
Dr. Elliot Reid: My uterus is glowing.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: My mom had a uterus... I lived in it...

Jordan Sullivan: What's wrong with Jennifer Dylan?
Dr. Perry Cox: You named our daughter J.D...
[later]
Dr. Perry Cox: Why would you do such a thing?
Jordan Sullivan: I was hoping that you would hate the name so much that you wouldn't be able to hide your spite from your daughter and she would love me more than you.
Dr. Perry Cox: I've got to go.
Jordan Sullivan: Don't forget: momma's coming home tomorrow, so the fridge needs to be restocked with rice cakes and vodka.
Dr. Perry Cox: Jordan, while you were on bed rest for the last two months, I served as mother, father, butler, breadwinner and, thanks to our son's penchant for eating nickles and your irrational fear that they're never going to pass through his system, poo-poo sifter. I was hoping that, upon your return, you would start to assume some domestic responsibilities.
Jordan Sullivan: Pass!

Dr. Bob Kelso: [reading his paper as Cox enters the doctors' lounge] Perry, could I ask you a favor?
Dr. Perry Cox: Actually, Bob, out of respect for Laverne, no. You see, according to the Right Reverend Jimmy T. Gibbons, that's the name I gave the minister in my mind... every day, Bob, every day I am to take 20 minutes for myself. Right about now, I'm going to be entering my imaginary, soundproof glass bubble.
[opens the imaginary glass bubble and enters it]
Dr. Perry Cox: That way, I don't have to be bo...
[closes the imaginary glass bubble continuing to move his lips as its voice was inaudible, then he sits on the couch and starts to read the paper]
Dr. Bob Kelso: [continuing to read the paper] I was just going to ask you to keep your yapper shut while I read the paper, so everybody wins...
Lonnie: [entering the lounge] Dr Cox.
Dr. Bob Kelso: You might want to know. He's in an imaginary glass bubble.
[Lonnie pretends to knock]
Dr. Perry Cox: [opens the imaginary glass bubble's door] What?
Lonnie: I need help with a patient.
Dr. Perry Cox: Twenty minutes.
[closes the imaginary glass bubble's door]
Lonnie: Hey... how long does it takes for an old woman to bleed to death?


"Scrubs: My First Kill (#4.4)" (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. At some point during your residency you will screw up, they will die, and it will be burned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants, here -
Doug Murphy: Pee-pants...
Dr. Perry Cox: - he just might go ahead and get himself a good clean kill this morning, seeing as his patient, Mrs. Samson, is in DKA and he hasn't been tracking her phosphate level. Her phosphate level. Her phosphate level.
J.D.: Doug! Stop writing and go!
Dr. Perry Cox: That young man has killed so many patients, I'm starting to think he just might be a government operative. The point is, the harder you study, the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kill. Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy you murder is a jackass with no family. Great to see you kids. All the best!

Dr. Perry Cox: Come on. I know you're scared. A lot of times you feel like a little girl in a big gal's body. But here's the dirty little secret: Fear is good. It keeps you from becoming a crappy doctor. Trick is you just can't let it paralyze you. But don't you worry about a thing, there, Newbie. You're a sure thing to get a kill. In fact, should be any day now!

Dr. Perry Cox: No, Newbie, I have not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So, right about now, you gotta be asking yourself, do you think you're *that* good?


"Scrubs: His Story (#2.15)" (2003)
Dr. Kelso: Uh, Perry, I just spoke to my cardiologist and he said if you hadn't discovered my high blood pressure, it may have resulted in my case of, um, death.
Dr. Cox: Huh?
Dr. Kelso: Thanks.
Dr. Cox: [thinking] MUST... FIGHT URGE... TO RUB IT IN HIS FACE!
Dr. Kelso: I owe you one.
Dr. Cox: [thinking] MUST... RUB... SOMETHING... IN SOMEONE'S FACE!
[turns to an unconscious patient]
Dr. Cox: How's that coma going for ya there, pal?
[thinking]
Dr. Cox: Much better!

Dr. Perry Cox: [rapidly] Kelso asked me to give him a physical. I did it and he said "thank you" and told me he owed me one.
Dr. Gross: You actually made a decision that benefited you personally and professionally?
Dr. Perry Cox: Well, a resident kind of talked me into it.
Dr. Gross: Come on, you're telling me that you actually took the advice of another human being?
[Cox nods]
Dr. Gross: This is a great moment for me.
Dr. Perry Cox: Congratulations.
Dr. Gross: Thank you. And Perry, if there's someone in your life at that hell hole of a hospital who you actually listen to, you should do everything in your power to keep them around, because that person is nothing short of a genius.
[cuts to J.D. in elevator]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [sings] Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting!

Dr. Gross: I got very drunk last night and I decided that I'm not giving up on you. So... how'd you do with my counting exercise?
Dr. Cox: Honestly I tried it once and thought it was stupid.
Dr. Gross: That's it. We're done.
Dr. Cox: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... you're dumping me?
Dr. Gross: [sarcastically] I hope we can remain friends.
Dr. Cox: [sarcastically too] Oh, now, please, don't take away the privilege of letting me pay you $200 an hour so I can drag my ass in here and watch you nod. God knows the only other place I can get that on the planet is my Brett Favre bobble-head doll.
Dr. Gross: Fine! You wanna know what I really think? Your problem isn't that you make bad choices; it's that you identify the good choice and then intentionally do the opposite. It's... you see, behind this boorish bravado of yours, is a paralysing fear of letting anyone into your life! And it isn't because
[mocking]
Dr. Gross: you weren't loved when you were a kid... it's because you're so egocentric that the love wasn't enough! So you pulled pigtails and you pushed the fat kids into the dirt so no one could ignore little Perry. Well, little Perry is now 40 years old... and you're so invested in this narcissistic notion of yourself as "loner" that you can't quit! And you'll just keep dumping on everyone around you until eventually, and please trust me on this, there won't be anyone left.


"Scrubs: My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby (#6.2)" (2006)
Baby Jack: What's gin?
Dr. Cox: Gin is an alcoholic beverage, which, if your mommy's strong genes are any indication, you'll eventually learn to love as it slowly destroys a giant portion of your adult life.

Baby Jack: [seeing the video of Carla in labor] What's that?
Dr. Cox: That is the vagina of a 35 year old Latina woman.

Dr. Kelso: What the hell's with her?
Dr. Cox: She's mad, but she can't give me the "silent" treatment because she knows I actually love that, so she's giving me the "talk-until-I-want-to-commit-suicide" treatment.
Dr. Kelso: Sucks to be you.


"Scrubs: My Rule of Thumb (#3.10)" (2004)
Jordan: Have a great day today. Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share!
Dr. Cox: [smiling and waving] You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me!

Dr. Bob Kelso: See, this is why you shouldn't get emotionally invested in your patients.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Bobbo... now when the Dark Prince does finally call you home, please promise me that you'll donate your body to science. And I don't mean medical science, I mean NASA. Because when those buzz-cuts have all but given up on trying to figure out just exactly what a black hole is, and they get one look at that space where your heart was supposed to be, well, by gum, you know they're just gonna say, "Aww, shucks! That's what it is!"
Dr. Bob Kelso: Hey, champ. What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?
[points his thumbs at himself]
Dr. Bob Kelso: Bob Kelso. How ya doin'.

Dr. Cox: Look. Barry... Barry's a... he's a great guy.
Turk: Yeah. I totally forgot the rule to the transplant list is no drinking, unless Cox says you're a great guy.
Dr. Cox: Come on, pally, guy's been on the transplant list for three stinkin' years - this is a no-brainer.
Turk: You're right. He's out.


"Scrubs: My Case Study (#2.3)" (2002)
J.D.: Look, I don't care what you think.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do.
J.D.: You're right, I do.

Dr. Cox: Hey there, Bridge Club. How're you feeling?
Mrs. Warner: I feel like crap. What the hell is wrong with me?
Dr. Cox: Your abdominal pain suggests you have billiary disease but all yours test came back negative. So we don't exactly know what's wrong with you.
J.D.: But don't worry. Dr. Cox and I never say die. Unless of course someone actually dies then we're kinda forced to by law.
Mrs. Warner: He's talking again.

Dr. Cox: Listen up, bubby. If you really want to help me, why don't you quiet down and get yourself some rest. And then if you're a really good girl, I'll wind up your car and take you out to a talkie.
Mrs. Warner: [after Dr. Cox leaves the room] Oooo, I could do naughty things to that man.
J.D.: Uncomfortable.


"Scrubs: My Nickname (#1.10)" (2001)
[to an annoying patient]
Dr. Cox: Okay, think of what little patience I have as... oh, I don't know... your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends... well, he dropped by, and he brought a copy of "About Last Night" and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes and
[swings clipboard like a baseball bat]
Dr. Cox: buh-DOW, it was gone forever - just like my patience is now.
Jill Tracy: So you do scary little speeches. How adorable!

Dr. Cox: Everyone, we can all relax now. The planets have been realigned and order shall be returned to the people.
[to Elliot]
Dr. Cox: Hey, you!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Just... give me two seconds, gotta finish e-mailing Jill.
Dr. Cox: I have right here your little friend's test results. Shall we have some fun and take a look?
[opens the chart and read it]
Dr. Cox: Hmm, interesting! EKG negative; Tilt Table negative; Echo negative. Nyet, nada, zilch, nothing in fact is wrong with her but little stress and exhaustion, brought on mostly by... oh, let it come... being her!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah, but if you don't...
Dr. Cox: No no, no no, no no, no no, no no, no no no... No! There's no time for "Yeah, buts". I want her out of here in the next five minutes or you'll be personally responsible for covering every missed shift during this year's flu season. Now go! Now go! Now go!
[Elliot goes, J.D. arrives; Cox whistles at him]
Dr. Cox: Hey you! For what it's worth I don't care if your beeper plays "Who let the dogs out? Hoof, hoof!" as many times as you like.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Actually, sir, it's "who, who"... but thank you, that... that's great.
Dr. Cox: Sure. Oh, and Ginger, by the way... just a real smooth move running to your mommy...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, your mommy c-rushed me. She did. I'd like to issue a warning to everybody, and I'm dead serious. FYI: J.D.'s mommy has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want her daughter picked on any more. Nothing mean. She's a precious flower and we should all be super nice to her...

Dr. Cox: [interrupting annoying conversation between Jill Tracy and Dr. Elliot Reid]
Dr. Cox: Okay, think of what little patience I have as... oh, I don't know... your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends... well, he dropped by, and he brought a copy of "About Last Night" and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes and woo hoo hoo, it was gone forever - just like my patience is now.
Jill Tracy: So you do scary little speeches. How adorable!


"Scrubs: My Musical (#6.6)" (2007)
Patti: [singing] What's going to happen? / What does the future hold? / So many things that I've put off / Assuming I'd have time / Assuming I'd grow old. / What's going to happen? / And will I be alive tomorrow? / What's going to happen... / To me?
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] You're going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, The Janitor, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Doug Murphy, Ted Buckland: That's what's going to happen. / Everything's okay. / We're right here beside you / We won't let you slip away. / Plan for tomorrow / 'Cause we swear to you, / You're going to be okay.
Patti: I'm going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's what's going to happen.
Patti: Everything's okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso: Everything's okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Bob Kelso: We would never leave you.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: Right here we will stay. / Plan for tomorrow, / 'Cause we swear to you / You're going to be okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [last sung line of the episode] We hope.
Dr. Perry Cox: Shhhhhh.

Dr. Cox: It's your hair, your nose, your chinless face. You always need a hug. Not to mention all the manly Appletinies that you chug. That you think I am your mentor, just continues to perplex. And oh my God stop telling me when you have nerdy sex!
J.D.: And by the way, the last time Kim was in town we took some Appeltinies and poored 'em on our good parts!
Dr. Cox: See now newbie that's the thing you do that drives me up a tree. 'Cause no matter how I rant at you, you never let me be. So I'm stuck with all your day dreaming, your wish to be my son. It makes me sucidial! And I'm not the only one. No I'm not the only one.
[lights go out, a spotlight falls on the Janitor]

Patti: [singing] Dr. Cox, I'm not crazy!
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] Am I still singing?
Patti: [singing] Singing like a bird.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] Dr. Cox, huge news! I pulled some strings and got the parking spot right behind yours! Bumper Buddies!


"Scrubs: My Lucky Day (#2.9)" (2002)
Dr. Cox: [JD recently identified a disease in a patient from watching a TV show and Dr. Cox wants to prove it was a fluke] Here's your chance. Two identical patients. I say we divide 'em up, just like in "The Parent Trap". One goes with the sexy, freewheeling bachelor dad, hello. The other goes with the whiny, neurotic, sexually repressed mom, oh, just you all over. Oh, and I checked tonight's TV listings. There is no special on that disease, so you're gonna wanna stop at the Blockbuster.
J.D.: Please, I know all there is to know about thrombotic thrombo cyto... cytop top top top... toppy... toppy.
Nurse Roberts: Thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura.

[Dr. Cox and the pregnant Jordan are walking through towards a Nurses' Station]
Dr. Cox: Yes, hello? Could we please get my hormonal, extremely annoying ex-wife's amnio underway?
Jordan: Wow, I can't wait to write that down in the baby journal.
[Dr. Cox grunts]
Jordan: Could you be a bigger ass right now?
Dr. Cox: Could you *have* a bigger ass right now?

Dr. Cox: [in response to something J.D. just said] Oh, my God! I care so little, I almost passed out!


"Scrubs: My Fifteen Seconds (#3.7)" (2003)
Dr. Cox: [the interns are watching Dr Phil on TV; Dr. Cox walks in and shuts it off, causing all the interns to moan] Fine! I'll go and tell you how it ends. Dr. Phil says
[in a Southern accent]
Dr. Cox: "And how is that working out... for you?" And then the fat lady cries, "WAH!"

Dr. Cox: Tammy, as far as your love life goes, normally I couldn't care less who's laying your quivering body down by the fire while your lips whisper "No, no... no" but your eyes scream, "Yes. Yes. Oh, BIG DADDY, YES!" But when you're dating Jordan's sissy-poo, it forces me to spend time with you outside of the hospital, and I just won't have that. So, hhhere's the deal: Don't want to have dinner with you. Don't want to go bowling with you. And I never, ever again want to walk into my kitchen and hear you say,
[singing]
Dr. Cox: "Ohh, it's waffle time! It's waffle time! Won't you have some waffles of mine?"

Dr. Cox: Look, Tammy, as far as your love life goes, normally I couldn't care less who's laying your quivering body down by the fire while your lips whisper "No, no... no" but your eyes scream, "Yes. Yes. Oh, big daddy, yes!" But when you're dating Jordan's sissy-poo, it forces me to spend time with you outside of the hospital, and I just won't have that. So, shhhere's the deal: Don't want to have dinner with you. Don't want to go bowling with you. And I never, ever again want to walk into my kitchen and hear you say,
[singing]
Dr. Cox: "Ohh, it's waffle time! It's waffle time! Won't you have some waffles of mine?"
J.D.: [joining in] "... waffles of mine..."
Dr. Cox: Bottom line. We'll be bestest friends foreverest if you just keep your face out of my face. Uh-huh.


"Scrubs: My Faith in Humanity (#4.23)" (2005)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [about Dr. Perry Cox, in his presence] Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
Dr. Elliot Reid: He doesn't have one.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Exactly! But what does he have?
Dr. Elliot Reid: A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Dr. Perry Cox: Ohh! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego! I have a giant ego!

Dr. Elliot Reid: Hey, Jake... so, you're probably rushing home to wipe the old person smell off before your trip, uh?
Jake: Excuse me?
Dr. Elliot Reid: [scoffs] No, I'm just kidding, I love old people. Still, there's no denying they have a distinctive smell. I mean, it's nothing bad. It's like a... general mustiness... like... you know when... you get your cast... taken off and... skin mold...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh...
Jake: Well, I have a flight to catch... you guys need me to sign anything?
Dr. Perry Cox: No.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, you're good.
Jake: OK, then.
[walks away]
Dr. Perry Cox: Hats off there, Barbie... that was one potent combination of verbal diarrhea and stunned silence...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You should have just asked him out. Men love that.
Dr. Perry Cox: No, Carla, men don't love that. It turns out we don't love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums, or when you drive so we can relax; and, as always, we're not that big on Hugh Jackman. Look there... the only thing men care about as far as dating is concerned is the chase; if you want that guy to look your way, listen me carefully... ignore the living hell out of him.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's the worst advice I've ever heard!
Dr. Perry Cox: Good point, Carla. Say, you don't happen to have any other gems before you run off to couples therapy to sift through the wreckage that is the first year of your marriage, do ya?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Dr Cox, I'm sure that you are fantastic at picking up men, really...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ah ah!
Dr. Elliot Reid: ...but I can handle this one on my own. Thank you.

Elliot: Dr. Cox, this is the most painful thing I've ever done and I was a cutter for a week in high school. My shop teacher thought scars were sexy, but that's a whole other story. The point is, your advice really worked with Jake and I'd really appreciate it if you would give me some more help.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no problem Barbie, let me just finish writing this prescription and you'll be all squared away.
[hands Elliot the prescription]
Elliot: This is a prescription for 'no'.
Dr. Cox: Correctomundo. To be taken with food every Saturday night while you're eating alone.
Elliot: I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here. I am dangerously close to giving up men all together!
Dr. Cox: Then on behalf of men everywhere-and I do mean everywhere
[makes a circle with his hands]
Dr. Cox: -including the ones in the little mud huts, let me be the first to say thanks and yalleluah!
Carla: Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to it's human side?
Elliot: He doesn't have one.
Carla: Exactly. But what does he have?
Elliot: [grudgingly] A shaped chest, a closet full of tiny t-shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Dr. Cox: Ohhhhhh! I'm sorry, the correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego.
[nodding]
Dr. Cox: I have a giant ego!
Elliot: Dammit! I knew that.
Carla: Can you just appeal to it so I can go get something to eat?
Elliot: You're... amazing.
Dr. Cox: And I'm in!
Elliot: [makes a happy noise]


"Scrubs: My Fallen Idol (#5.21)" (2006)
Dr. Perry Cox: [drunk] Newbie, would you give me some trouble? I'm having a little help here.

J.D.: Anyway, I tried to convince myself that the reason I didn't come earlier was you coming into work drunk. But that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, ya know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients. But because after 20 years of being a doctor, when things go badly, you still take it this hard. And I gotta tell ya man, I mean, that's the kind of doctor I want to be.
J.D.: [interior monologue] Maybe he just needed time to heal, or maybe he just needed to see how much everybody cared. But I like to believe it was because of me that he was finally able to say this.
[Takes a drink of scotch]
Dr. Cox: You don't drink scotch.
J.D.: [spits it back out] Ohhhhhh, that's awful.

J.D.: [Voiceover] That's the thing about family. If you fall off the deep end you can always count on them to rally around you. When you come back, you might get a quick hug, a pat on the shoulder, maybe just a nod. But no words really need to be spoken. Of course, it's always nice when they are.
Dr. Cox: [Calling him by his name for the first time in the series] J.D... Thank you.
J.D.: You're welcome.
[Dr. Cox pats JD on the back]


"Scrubs: My Self-Examination (#3.21)" (2004)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Dr. Cox
[Dr. Cox looks up]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why is your mouth red?
Dr. Perry Cox: Duct tape, 2 hours in a morgue drawer, don't piss off the janitor, end of story.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Okay, I'm ordering more pens. Do you like twisty bottoms or clicky tops?
Dr. Perry Cox: I can't imagine anything I care less about.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Damn these twisty bottoms, we need some more clicky tops.
Dr. Perry Cox: Not gonna happen, Bob. Here I just told Carla to order a hundred thousand twisty bottoms.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Nice face. But can't you just order a box of clicky tops for me?
Dr. Perry Cox: No, Bob, everybody gets the same.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Fine.
[sees a box of clicky top pens]
Dr. Bob Kelso: I'll just take these.
[reaches for pens, Dr. Cox knocks the pens off the counter]
Dr. Bob Kelso: You just bought yourself four weekends on call! Damn twisty bottoms!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You just said you don't care. Why are you fighting?
Dr. Perry Cox: I can't stop.

Dr. Perry Cox: Those pants make your ass look giant.
Jordan Sullivan: Stop doing this.
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm doing it for us. You suck at Scrabble.
Jordan Sullivan: Do I look mad?
Dr. Perry Cox: You have so much Botox in your expressionless face I can't tell.
Jordan Sullivan: Ah ah ah...
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, is that a frown?
Jordan Sullivan: What else you got?
Dr. Perry Cox: Well, when it's my turn to listen to the baby monitor, I just wait 'till you're asleep and I turn it off.
Jordan Sullivan: Perry, give it up. There's nothing you can say.
Dr. Perry Cox: Ah... You and your mother are basically the same person.
Jordan Sullivan: [whispering angrily] What did you say? I will kill you!
Dr. Perry Cox: If you don't wanna fight in front of Jack anymore, I understand; but I don't think that means we gotta stop all together. I mean, Jordan, you are an unpredictable, passionate person and you challenge me each and every day; and honestly that's the reason I can imagine being with you when I'm 70 and you're 65, and your face is 40 and your boobs are 29.
Jordan Sullivan: My face will never look 40!
Dr. Perry Cox: You're right. My bad.


"Scrubs: My Point of No Return (#6.22)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: [annoyed by Jordan's decision about J.D. being their daughter's godfather] Jordan, here are some things I'd rather see happen than dinkus over there becoming the godfather: a nuclear war, a sequel to "Hope Floats", Hugh Jackman winning an Oscar...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Yeah, yeah... funny long list, we get it. You need a new thing, big guy.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh...

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to Turk and Cox] Raj... Rerun...
Dr. Perry Cox: OK, Tina... here's what I'm prepared to offer you to relinquish the post of godfather.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Not interested.
Dr. Perry Cox: Effective immediately, I will stop calling you girls' names... you interested now?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm still here, aren't I?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Be strong; you can get more.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Good thinking. What else you got, Per-Per?
Dr. Perry Cox: I'll give you my real pager number.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to Turk] I'll be able to page him 24/7!
Dr. Christopher Turk: No deal.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What are you doing?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Eeeeh! Put a cherry on top.
Dr. Perry Cox: One hug.
[J.D. screams]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Per week.
Dr. Perry Cox: Decade.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Month.
Dr. Perry Cox: Year.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Done. You're welcome.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating while he's almost shacking hands with Cox] And then, as I was about to close the deal of the century, it hit me.
[out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Wait a minute! If I agree with that I only get that stuff until you retire; but if I'm godfather, I'm in your life forever. I'll see you at the christening.
[leaves]
Dr. Perry Cox: I think this time I'm actually gonna kill him... yup, this is the one.


"Scrubs: My Roommates (#4.18)" (2005)
Dr. Elliot Reid: I cannot believe what I just heard!
Dr. Perry Cox: The tick-tocking of your biological clock leading you to the corner of Celibate and Spinster way?

Ron Laver: It's good to see you, buddy.
Dr. Perry Cox: It's great to see you, I'll tell you that.
Ron Laver: Looks like we got ourselves in a walk and hug here. What say we...
Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, yeah... yeah...
Ron Laver: [coughs] So, look at you, Mr Big Time Doctor!
Dr. Perry Cox: How about you, Mr Big Time... Big... I don't actually know what you do.
Ron Laver: I've told you 100 times, I run mergers and acquisitions for a large private equity hedge fund... you've forgotten already...
Dr. Perry Cox: No, no... you do hedge clipping for a big farm.
Ron Laver: What?
Dr. Perry Cox: You privately acquire hedgehogs... oh, come, on, you got a hog farm, give me a break. Tell me this, how's that super sexy mother of yours?
Ron Laver: You know, your crush on my mom was cute where we were 14, but the woman's 85 now, you need to back off... or you ask her out to dinner: I'll have her pop in her "going out" teeth you can see if there's a real spark...


"Scrubs: My Buddy's Booty (#5.11)" (2006)
Dr. Perry Cox: You know what else I hate about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet store.
The Janitor: Actually, that's my fault. I filled his hair spray bottle with dog sweat.
Dr. Perry Cox: Dogs don't sweat.
The Janitor: They don't? Then what the hell am I putting in there?

Jordan: Ohh sweetie. Do you want me to call his Mommy and tell him he's being mean to you? Oh my fwiend is being mean to me waa waa waa!
Dr. Cox: nng hmm uh.


"Scrubs: My Conventional Wisdom (#6.20)" (2007)
Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm notifying all my old boyfriends that I am officially off the market.
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm sure the pulse setting on your shower head will be devastated.

Dr. Perry Cox: July 21st? Ooh, I'm afraid I won't be able to make it?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Why not?
Dr. Perry Cox: Because I wouldn't go to your wedding if it was held in my own backyard.


"Scrubs: My New Suit (#5.18)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: You know, Bobbo, I find you less repungent of late. Dare I say I'm developing a begrudging indifference to you.
Dr. Kelso: You're so edgy and cantankerous. You're like House without the limp.

Dr. Cox: OK. As you all know Sacred Heart is dealing with a mountain of malpractice lawsuits courtesy of bumbling interns, clueless doctors and hack surgeons, or as I like to refer to them, you people. Now, since Sweaty Teddy here backs up his infinitesimal knowledge of the law with absolutely zero knowledge of medicine, one of you is going to have to help him go through the claims, decipher medical stuff and somehow relay all of that into his tiny peanut brain. Ted, how many times did I insult you during that speech? I was shooting for five.
Ted Buckland: Only three, unless you count "Sweaty Teddy" as an insult; but my mom calls me that, and she loves me, right?
Dr. Cox: No Ted. She hates you. Four. Now, since Ted has no life, and that's five, I'm going and let him select his very own victim. Ted...
Ted Buckland: I'll take Claire!
Claire: Oh God...
Ted Buckland: You turned me down 14 times for drinks! Well, who's the creepy loser now, huh?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] And just like that I had the chance to comfort Claire.
[out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You look like you need to be rescued...
[Claire nods; J.D. Narrates again]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Life was good... but then came a surprise visit from my brother and a round of the game he likes to call Watch Her Leave.
[J.D. comforts Claire; Dan arrives at their back, holding a bunch of flowers]
Dan Dorian: There's no easy way to say this... we got the crabs.
[Claire runs away]
Dan Dorian: Wow, she was cute...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yes, she was, Dan... thank you.
Dan Dorian: Welcome.
[J.D. looks into the camera]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: We'll be right back
[leaves with Dan]
Patient #1: Was he talking to us?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Don't know, don't care.


"Scrubs: My New Coat (#2.5)" (2002)
Dr. Perry Cox: [Dr. Cox is taking a patient to a clinical trial she had been denied entry to] Hey! Anybody from that clinical trial around?
[whistles loudly and shotuing]
Dr. Perry Cox: Hello! Hello! Yeah, this lady's supposed to be in this trial.
Orderly: OK.
[wheels her away]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What the hell did you just do?
Dr. Perry Cox: When you speak of this, and I know you will, could I be shirtless? See, I think it would be much more impressive if I was shirtless.

Dr. Perry Cox: [turning around J.D] Listen closely, Tiny Dancer! I wouldn't be flapping my mouth if I'd forgotten to get a blood culture on Mr Blair. And, for the love of God, do you at least remember what you were doing the day they were passing out common sense? Oh gosh, maybe you were running late that day 'cos' you couldn't find the right thong for those low-rider jeans that you love so much; maybe you were busy bopping along to whatever boy band really makes your heart race nowadays and you just drove on by. Of course I don't know, I'm just guessing... But one thing's sure: you wound up at the dumb-dumb store and just went ahead and put about as much of that in the car as you could fit... didn't you?
J.D.: [narrating to himself] And then I did something I've never done before...
[Out loud]
J.D.: Look, Doctor! If you flipped the page on that chart
[starts and turns around Cox]
J.D.: you'd see that I pan cultured him yesterday. But that would probably get in the way of the perverse pleasure you take in pointing out people's slip-ups! Well, too bad, Buster Brown, because I'm a resident now, and I'm not gonna be making the same intern mistakes I made last year. I'd appreciate if you wouldn't stand and yell at me in front of my patient!
Dr. Perry Cox: Buster Brown?
J.D.: Buster Brown.
[narrating to himself]
J.D.: Focus all energy on lip not quivering!
Dr. Perry Cox: [Growls and goes away]
J.D.: [narrating to himself] Wow...


"Scrubs: My Tormented Mentor (#3.15)" (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: Judy...! Ohhhh, you come here, Judy!

Dr. Cox: Let me go ahead and tee this up for you, there, Annika: We are all going to die someday. For the lucky few of us it'll be nice and fast. But for most of us it'll be just as long and slow and painful as a conversation with you.


"Scrubs: My Friend the Doctor (#3.8)" (2003)
Dr. Cox: Carla, I have a six-month-old child. I'm going to be one of those weird old guys who brings my son down to the park where everybody is like, "Hmm, is he the dad, is he the granddad, is he the granddad's granddad...? And oh my God, why is he pushing a traffic cone on the swing while his five-year-old little boy is in the mud, crying? Is... is he taunting the little boy? No, he can't even see the little boy. And now look - he's actually taking the traffic cone, putting it in the minivan, and driving away while the little boy cries, and the traffic cone sits quietly and watches Finding Nemo on DVD."

Dr. Cox: Now, just because Jordan thinks it's cute that you're violating her little sister, doesn't mean you can use my guestroom for your nerdy G-rated sexcapades.


"Scrubs: My Extra Mile (#5.15)" (2006)
Patient: Yeah, I'm auditioning for my church's senior citizen production of Street Car Named Desire. Would you mind running lines with me?
[hands Dr. Cox a script]
Dr. Perry Cox: [taking the script and reading it] Yeah, I'd be happy to.
Patient: [reading from the script, speaking with heavy country accent] If I didn't know you was my wife's sister, I'd get ideas about you.
Dr. Perry Cox: [over acting using hand gestures] I can't believe you think - I would do this with you - Seriously, I'm a doctor.
Patient: [looking confused at Dr. Cox] What page are you on?

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Sometimes you've got to go the extra mile with patients. That's what makes me such a special doctor.
Dr. Perry Cox: That and your amazing ability to switch back and forth, seamlessly, between male and female genitalia.


"Scrubs: My Hypocritical Oath (#4.15)" (2005)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Kelso, I've thought about it and I am not going to just stand around and wait for Mr Cheng to die.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Excuse me?
Dr. Perry Cox: Are you kidding me? Barbie going toe to toe with Big Bob in a battle of the annoying? Well, happy birthday to me!
[catches a lamp and uses it as a radio microphone in his following lines]
Dr. Elliot Reid: We should do an exchange transfusion.
Dr. Perry Cox: And the southpaw with the blond bangs and big britches comes out s-winging!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Sweetheart, the man is 72 and in multisystem organ dysfunction. It's done. It's parasites 1, person 0! And if you tell that family he's got a chance, all you're doing is raising their hopes.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oooh! Tremendous body blow!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Oh, and for the record... we're not colleagues. I don't care what you think.
Dr. Perry Cox: [now using the lamp as a ring microphone] Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! And the fight goes to the stocky middleweight from Monroeville, Pennsylvania!
Dr. Bob Kelso: By the way, Perry, Mickhead called in sick. I need you to work tonight.
Dr. Perry Cox: [letting fall the lamp on the desk] Why, here, that's all and good, but I'm not available!

Dr. Perry Cox: Listen up. I have been cursed to work the night shift with you chuckleheads, which means I have to tape the Laker-Heat game; and seeing as no one in the history of this germbox has ever made it through a shift without saying "Oh, my God... oh, my God! Did you see what happened last night on America's Fattest Fatties? A 900-pound woman lost a pound and a half and cried for 20 minutes"... be warned. If you utter a word about the score of the game, it will be your last. Now get out! Go, go, go, go! Chop, chop!
[whistles]
The Janitor: [sitting on a chair, petting an invisible cat; speaks in a fake English accent] So... you don't want to know the ending of something. I can relate to that.
Dr. Perry Cox: What is that in your lap?
The Janitor: Leonard. Half-kitten, half-monkey!


"Scrubs: My Philosophy (#2.13)" (2003)
Elaine: [discussing death with J.D.] I really hope it's like a big Broadway musical... Everyone's all dressed up and singing to the rafters, and you go out with a real flourish.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I think it's like a game of dodgeball. There's a lot of chaos and screaming and... you know, eventually you get your glasses snapped by the big kid who already has under-arm hair.... But then you wake up in the hot nurse's office, and when she leans in to put that bandage on your nose you get the sense that something could happen if you just took a chance and buried your face in her knockers....
Dr. Perry Cox: [shaking his head] Holy cow! I'm so sorry... For my part, I think death is a lot like that story, quite frankly. But, if there is a God, it'll be a lot quicker and half as painful.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That Mrs Larkin is an aggressive lady. She won't even let her husband finish a sen...
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, shut the hell up, would you, please? At least she's ballsy! Unlike that husband, who's the overly thoughtful, sensitive type that drives me crazy.
[to J.D., who's smiling]
Dr. Perry Cox: What?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, I think... I think the Larkins complement each other... they're a good team. Kinda remind me of us.
Dr. Perry Cox: Roseanne... now, granted I was, as usual, only half listening to you, but I get the sinking feeling you just compared us to a married couple. I know... I know a girl can dream, but... this... is never gonna happen.


"Scrubs: My Nightingale (#2.2)" (2002)
Dr. Perry Cox: You see, for me sex is a sport. Like racquetball. You play hard for half an hour, work up a sweat, and hope you don't get hit in the eye.

Dr. Perry Cox: Hey, Bob, as far as the whole intro thing goes, I've actually gone ahead and given it a great deal of thought, but I'm afraid I'm gonna very politely have to tell you to blow it out your ass.


"Scrubs: My Journey (#3.2)" (2003)
Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively TO clowns.

Dr. Cox: Hey this whole you-leaving-the-room-whenever-I-enter-it thing that you're doing is just... I love it.


"Scrubs: My Fishbowl (#6.12)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: [Carla tells bad joke] You would hear crickets chirping, but they were too uncomfortable at just how unfunny that actually was.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: So what, I'm not funny?
Dr. Perry Cox: Why I think you're very funny... WHEN you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse. You know, as long as you stay right in you wheel house.
[Dr. Cox begins walking through the room]
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck; your husband does it when he's sarcastic.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ya know, I do what I do when I do what I do.
Dr. Perry Cox: The Janitor is amusing because quite frankly he's insane
The Janitor: [walks by with tiny boots that look like they are for a baby on his hands] I made shoes for my bunny.
Dr. Perry Cox: [walks over the J.D] And Alice here, well she can turn a phrase. and I'm assuming because I called you Alice you're thinking of me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
[Dr. Cox appears as Alice from the Brady Bunch then looks at J.D]
Dr. Perry Cox: Aren't ya?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: He was.
Dr. Perry Cox: Now some people just have funny names, for instance, Dr. Beardface, Dr. McHead, Colonel Doctor, and of course Snoop Dogg intern.
Snoop Dogg Intern: [grabs his white coat] Hey, Hey.
Dr. Perry Cox: My bad, Snoop Dogg resident. The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God, which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the Hospital Sad sack.
Ted Buckland: I am?
Dr. Perry Cox: Yes Ted.
Ted Buckland: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Dr. Perry Cox: And me I'm just funny because I commit C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T...
[makes the notion of sipping tea]
Dr. Perry Cox: -TEA. And I also do silly rants. But there is just one man who is funny, no matter what he says.
Dr. Bob Kelso: [Kelso enters] Are my undergarments made of wool because my WEASLES getting heat stroke?
Dr. Perry Cox: The point is please don't tell anymore jokes.
Ted Buckland: I'm not a sadsack am I?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ted, your pen exploded!
Ted Buckland: [looks at his shirt with a large blue stain on it] Awwwwww
[looks at is blue hand on his head]
Ted Buckland: AWWWWWWWWW!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] After Elliot told us that she had attempted suicide, I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind.
[out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Was it because I broke up with you?
Dr. Elliot Reid: No, J.D.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, good, good, good, good.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm not even sure why I did it. I guess things just catch up with you, you know... you get lonely, you're not happy with what's happening in your life and...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: ...an amazing guy breaks up with you...
Dr. Elliot Reid: J.D., this is not about you! I was 16!
Private Brian Dancer: So, how'd you try it?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Brian!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Please, you're dying to know...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, I am not! When Elliot...
Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla... it's fine. I was all into poetry back then, you know... Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf... I know, shocker. Well, they both killed themselves. Plath stuck her head in the oven, but that was not an option for me because every time my head gets hot I need to pee, and I was not about to be found lying in a puddle of my own urine. Not again... not after the prom fiasco...
Dr. Perry Cox: If you're still not sure why you tried to off yourself, I'm starting to get a pretty clear picture over here...
Dr. Elliot Reid: So, I decided to do it like Virginia Woolf: I walked into a lake and tried to drown myself. Got up early on a Saturday, put on my bikini...
Private Brian Dancer: Whoa... why would you wear a bikini?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, my one-piece was in the back of Coach Pongetti's car. That story informs this one, but I'm not going to tell it... Anyhow, I swam out to the middle of the lake and I couldn't bring myself to go under, so I just started, you know, floating around, waiting to get tired and then... Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! I got hit in the head by four oars as our school's rowing team passed by and then they just picked me out of the lake and took me home.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [realizing Turk's gonna fart] Oh no... Turk, I know that look... don't you dare toot while Elliot is baring her soul.
Dr. Christopher Turk: But baby, the pressure's building. No one on Earth is this uncomfortable.


"Scrubs: My Heavy Meddle (#1.16)" (2002)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I get it, it's because I'm a girl.
Dr. Perry Cox: Franklyn, you heard it, say it.
Franklyn: He's a girl.
Dr. Perry Cox: Good boy.

Dr. Perry Cox: [to JD] You have three seconds to get out of here before I grab you by your ankles and redecorate Franklyn's office.
Franklyn: Please go.


"Scrubs: My Bad (#1.6)" (2001)
Dr. Perry Cox: So, how are things going in the underworld?
Jordan Sullivan: Good, and you? Still have a rollicking social life?
Dr. Perry Cox: Since I cut you loose, it's been one big party.
Jordan Sullivan: In the next five seconds, name one place, other than the hospital and your apartment, that you've been to in the last month. Five... four... three... two...
Dr. Perry Cox: My car... on the way to the... big party.

Dr. Perry Cox: [about his ex-wife] She was never boring.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What happened?
Dr. Perry Cox: Eh, you marry someone just like your mother... And then remember you hate your mother.


"Scrubs: My ABC's (#8.5)" (2009)
Dr. Perry Cox: Since you're not that intelligent, I'm going to speak like a caveman from now on. You bad doctors. Me good doctor. You follow.

Dr. Perry Cox: Why do I hate that intern?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Because he called you Dr. C?
Dr. Perry Cox: Actually, I find that endearing.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Did he say "back in the day"?
Dr. Perry Cox: No.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Did he say "back in the hizzay"?
Dr. Perry Cox: No.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Does he like Hugh Jackman?
Dr. Perry Cox: You suck at this.


"Scrubs: My Changing Ways (#4.25)" (2005)
Jordan Sullivan: [entering the hospital with Cox] Have a great day, honey!
Dr. Perry Cox: [kissing her] You have even a better one, you! You do it! Yeah, yeah! You have even a better one...
[starts banging his own head against the counter]
Dr. Kelso: Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you...
Dr. Perry Cox: Bob, people have a private life and people have a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate; for instance I don't know that much about your home life, other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drains your retirement to open up a shop in Minneapolis.
Dr. Kelso: Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.
Dr. Perry Cox: Aces. And I'm guessing that's because his significant other...
Dr. Kelso: Terrence.
Dr. Perry Cox: ...Terrence doesn't follow him around the shop all day telling him just exactly what color is in this season, or showing all of the other employees that he is not in fact the boss of his own life. You see, the woman in everywhere! She's there when I work out in the morning, when I work out in the car on the way to work, and when I work out when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her, and that used to be fine when she came around for five minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity; but now I'd honestly kill myself, Bob, if I wasn't convinced that Jordan wouldn't already be there waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the River Styx.
Dr. Kelso: I'm so glad you shared...

J.D.: [thinking] Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it...
Elliot: [when JD walks by Elliot and Carla] Carla, I can sense you're upset, talk to me!
J.D.: [looks confused, the continues walking and thinks] OK, but Turk is a prideful guy and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive
Dr. Cox: [when JD walks by Dr. Cox and Jordan] Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive...
J.D.: [looking back to the hallway, thinking] Touché, magic hallway!


"Scrubs: My Scrubs (#6.13)" (2007)
Elliot: Oh, you think you're funny?
Dr. Cox: I do. I always have, ever since I was little. It's one of the reasons that I'm a winner.

Dr. Cox: [speaking to Elliot] Nothing ever changes. The Artist Formerly Known As Prince is still just Prince. My ex-wife is still pretty much my wife. Grey's Anatomy always wraps up every episode with some cheesy voice over that ties together all of the story lines; which incidentally is my least favorite device on television. Newbie continually will try to violate my "No Touching" policy
[looks around for J.D]
Dr. Cox: ... Uh huh! And republicans will forever try to raise...
J.D.: [comes out of no where & hugs Dr.Cox] Sneak hug!
[runs off]
Dr. Cox: ...Of course I would go kill him right now, but he actually just helped to prove my point!


"Scrubs: My Lucky Charm (#4.14)" (2005)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla, I'm so bummed. I can't go see the Chamber Orchestra tonight, I totally forgot I have my Cantonese class. And I would totally call and cancel but the only thing I know how to say is "I'm allergic to peanuts."
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, Elliot, I was really looking forward to this.
The Janitor: Really? About five seconds ago you were all giddy about going home and taking a bath tonight.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why would you do that to me?
The Janitor: New thing. I'm busting chops.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [laughs defensively]
Dr. Elliot Reid: So, you just forgot we even had plans?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What's the big deal? You were flaking on them anyway.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I wasn't. I have my Cantonese class.
The Janitor: But do you? Do you really?
[Elliot makes a "What are you doing" face - Janitor shrugs]
The Janitor: Busting chops.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Fine! Well at least I remembered the plans well enough to flake on them!
[storms off down a corridor]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [shouting after her] Oh yeah? Well if I knew you were gonna flake on them, I would never have made plans to forget in the first place, because you...
Dr. Perry Cox: [has just walked in from the corridor Elliot left down] She's gone, Carla. It's over.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Where the hell have you been for the last few days?
Dr. Perry Cox: Deep sea fishing.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You hate fishing.
Dr. Perry Cox: Went with my buddies.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You don't have any buddies.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh yeah? Well we landed a 200 pound white marlin off the coast of San Diego.
The Janitor: Interesting, because that's about 3,000 miles from the natural habitat of the white marlin. Hmm, well perhaps it hopped a train from Cape Cod!
Dr. Perry Cox: Why?
The Janitor: I'm busting chops today. You can ask anybody.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's true.
The Janitor: See?

Dr. Perry Cox: What... what did you do around the apartment while I was gone?
Jordan Sullivan: Oh! I turned your little office into my pajama closet, I threw out everything in the refrigerator that had the word "jerky" or "whiz" on it, I got rid of all your clothes that make you look like you're 20 years old. Don't worry, I saved your hockey jerseys, although I did move them into my new pajama closet. And for some reason none of the remotes work anymore. And why are you limping?
Dr. Perry Cox: Fishing. I'm limping from fishing.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I know that limp!
Dr. Perry Cox: No, Bob... Bob, no...
Dr. Bob Kelso: You just got a vasectomy! I had mine done back in '68; ironically that was the same year that Enid discovered pasta and I discovered I'm not attracted to enormous women.
Dr. Perry Cox: I didn't just get a vasectomy...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Come on, soldier... if I have to force you to drop your pants, I will.


"Scrubs: My Lucky Night (#3.4)" (2003)
Dr. Bob Kelso: Well, well well... snip my pickle and call me Shlomo! You're not actually applying for residency director?
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, I don't know, Bob. Here I Like to think I've accomplished plenty of things much more difficult than this. Why, just yesterday morning I somehow managed to hack into your voice-mail and change the outgoing message to "Hi, this is Big Bob. Why, I'm not in right now, but at the beep leave your name and your penis size".
Dr. Bob Kelso: Perry, have you ever wondered why you've never risen above clinical staff at this hospital? I mean, come on, pal... who do you think the board listens to concerning promotions around here? Why don't I tell you after the beep?
Dr. Jeffrey Steadman: Beep!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Bob Kelso. Ten inches.
Dr. Jeffrey Steadman: It's like a baguette...

Dr. Elliot Reid: [to herself] What's wrong with me? Here I am, trying not to let fear rule my life anymore, and then... Sean moves away and i don't even have the guts to tell him how I feel...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to himself] ... how I feel. I mean, life's too short not to go for it with Elliot. Plus, now Sean's out of the picture. Stop being such a chicken!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [to himself] Stop being suck a chicken! I know it's a complicated procedure, but I can do it without Carla, there. What am I so scared of?
Dr. Perry Cox: [to himself] What am I so scared of? That I might actually get this job and have no one to blame it on if I fail? Good Lord, I'm pathetic... When was the last time...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [to herself] When was the last time he ever apologized for anything? I wanna help him, I do... but in a lot of ways I guess I'm as stubborn as he is. I wish I could make sense out of this...
The Janitor: [to himself] I wish I could make sense out of this. 30 cents, to be exact... damn riddle! Easy, Janitor... you'll get this.


"Scrubs: My Coffee (#6.3)" (2006)
Dr. Perry Cox: A coffee place in a hospital? What's next, Bob, an ice cream parlor in the morgue? Admittedly, not a horrible idea, seeing that the freezers are already down there. Plus, it'll be a perfect place for kids... one of our famous vanilla malteds definitively takes the sting out of having to identify the freshly-charred remains of your father.

Dr. Perry Cox: A tip jar? Really? So what am I supposed to do, just duke you my change because you poured hot water through beans? Well, I tell you what, my friend... unless you're also planning on giving me a complimentary reach-around with my beverage, I'm afraid the answer is yeah... no! Here's a novel idea: Why don't you go fetch me a very large cup of coffee with so damn many fake sugars in it that the coffee itself gets cancer?


"Scrubs: My Catalyst (#3.12)" (2004)
J.D.: None of us slept last night. How I know that is irrelevant. What does matter is I think we formed a special bond because of it.
Dr. Cox: [Turk looks at Dr. Cox] Stop looking at me, or die!

J.D.: I just want you to check out Mrs. Barlow's chart; I'm always second-guessing myself when it comes to interstitial lung diseases.
Dr. Cox: Oh, then you should definitely handle this yourself, there, Britney. I'm going with female pop stars today. The point is that back when I was a resident, I had all sorts of trouble with metabolic diseases. You know what I did? I grabbed every case I could get my hands on until I had it down pat.
J.D.: Got it... You really had trouble with metabolic diseases?
Dr. Cox: Noo... I'm a good doctor.


"Scrubs: My Cold Shower (#6.19)" (2007)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm not upset about Elliot.
Dr. Christopher Turk: You both have had a history together.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You two have had more ups and downs than Ross and Rachel on Friends.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm nothing like Ross.
Dr. Perry Cox: Of course not. You're Rachel, she's Ross.

Jordan Sullivan: Hey! So, I convinced the bartender to give us all the booze at your party for half price.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [whispering] Yes!
Jordan Sullivan: Little hitch: you're gonna have to show some boob. Apparently mine did not get us all the way there. He has a soft touch, though.
Dr. Perry Cox: Lovely...
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, and Per... you were wrong: someone is dumb enough to love me.
[leaves]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Where's your head right now?
[Cox's fantasy starts: Cox preparing canapés, he hands one to Elliot]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Perry, no! It goes cracker-apple-cheese, not cracker-cheese-apple! I know that we've only been married two days, Perry, but you should know this!
[Cox smiles while wrath grows inside him; in the next scene we see part of Elliot's corpse and a policeman handcuffing him]
Policeman: You're gonna fry for this, buddy.
[Cox smiles. End of fantasy]
Dr. Perry Cox: Worth it.
[smiles nastily and walks away]


"Scrubs: My Fruit Cups (#2.8)" (2002)
Dr. Perry Cox: [after JD winked at him] Oh my God, Sabrina... You had better tell me that you just had laser eye surgery and they accidentally severed the muscle that enables your hold that lid up because you did not just wink at me!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I didn't mean anything by it. I wink at everybody.
[to Kelso]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Hey, Dr Kelso!
[winks at him]
Dr. Kelso: Save it for the bathhouses, sport.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to himself, leaving] Oh, boy...

Dr. Perry Cox: [to Jordan, who came back home pregnant] Jordan, please tell me you ate a raccoon and it's slowly making its way through your digestive system...
Jordan Sullivan: Oh, don't worry. It's not your baby. Though not for lack of trying; see
[to Julie]
Jordan Sullivan: , we have sex a lot.
Julie Keaton: Who are you?
Jordan Sullivan: Who do you think I am?
Julie Keaton: Well, you have keys to the apartment, so I'm gonna say... the maid!
Dr. Perry Cox: Julie, this is my ex-wife, Jordan. Jordan, this is my girlfriend, Julie. OK, that was a treat, wasn't it?
[to Jordan]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now, would you like me to call you a cab or should I just whistle and have the flying monkeys bring the broom around?
Jordan Sullivan: [to Julie while sitting on the sofa] Oh no. He called you his girlfriend... If I were you, I'd start gathering your tiny panties up because... I thing you're done.
Julie Keaton: I'm already bored by you. Perry, I will be in the bedroom; come join me when Tubby leaves.
[she leaves]
Jordan Sullivan: Ta.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, who did that to you?
Jordan Sullivan: Well, I was at this fabulous hotel in Greece, chock full of available, wealthy men...
Dr. Perry Cox: [interrupting her] So it was the bellboy?
Jordan Sullivan: Or busboy, or pool-boy... something "boy", I don't know. Anyway, when I first found out I was panicked; and then I thought I've kind of been drifting through life all these years... and I need to look into my heart and see what really matters to me. Anyway, I decided to keep the stupid kid.
Dr. Perry Cox: You should cut out the middle man and just have a therapist deliver him. I mean, honestly, Jordan, why are you telling me this?
Jordan Sullivan: Oh! Because I've also decided that I want you back.


"Scrubs: My Big Move (#4.22)" (2005)
Dr. Elliot Reid: She's a teenage girl, that's an awkward time. You know, your breasts are growing... not always symmetrically. You like boys. Maybe one gives you a ride home, you think something's gonna happen but it doesn't and that just makes it official that you're a lop-sided freak! Happy ending though; lefty caught up in college.
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie! I have a finite amount of brain space and your inspiring story of the little breast who couldn't just pushed out my memory of the 1980 Olympic Hockey team's victory at Lake Placid. Miracle on Ice -
[whistles]
Dr. Perry Cox: gone!

Dr. Perry Cox: [to Dr. Elliot Reid] Barbie! Feel free to kiss my ring.


"Scrubs: My Dream Job (#2.22)" (2003)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Dr. Cox...
Dr. Perry Cox: Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'see ya' then the third word will be 'oh my god, my crotch, you've punched me in the crotch."
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: See ya.

Spence: [to Dr. Cox] Hey, congratulations.
Dr. Perry Cox: For what, jackass?
Spence: You just had a baby.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, no, no, she
[Jordan]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: just had a baby.
Spence: Yeah, but you said it was his. You said something else, too.
Dr. Christopher Turk: That he didn't know it yet.
Spence: That's exactly right!


"Scrubs: My Balancing Act (#1.13)" (2002)
Dr. Perry Cox: Newbie, what are you saying? That you want to be like me? Do you understand that... I just barely want to be like me?


"Scrubs: My Last Day (#1.24)" (2002)
Dr. Perry Cox: The simple fact that you seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor. Hell, it's... It's why I trust you as a person.
J.D.: Are you dying?
Dr. Perry Cox: I've got a new shrink.


"Scrubs: My Cabbage (#5.12)" (2006)
Dr. Kelso: [talking to the janitor] Do you know the number one cause of death in the hospital?
Dr. Cox: [walking by] Your breath?
Dr. Kelso: Infection. And do you know how quickly infection spreads in a hospital?
Dr. Cox: [walking by again] Your breath?
Dr. Kelso: That doesn't make sense.
Dr. Cox: [backsteps] Eh... Don't care.


"Scrubs: My Choosiest Choice of All (#3.19)" (2004)
[Dr. Cox looks up towards the ceiling]
Dr. Cox: Now, I know you say you love us all equally. But you don't, do ya? I'm onto you, Big Man.


"Scrubs: My Butterfly (#3.16)" (2004)
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [whistles] Here's the deal, Eleonore. We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. So while drop an NG2 and do a gastric lavage, why don't you go ahead and get an order order on EKG with cardio-bio-markers? If you need to know where those are, they are on page 37 of the Ann Teller catalogue, right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you wanted for so long but haven't had the courage to order, because you worried the weave is so thin, your nipples just might go ahead and peak their pink selves through! Isn't that right, Dr. Cox? Dr. Cooox!
Dr. Perry Cox: [mimicking the J.D. daydream stare] Uhm, I'm sorry. Here I was in my own little world, talking to myself, dreaming about candy bracelets.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I don't like candy bracelets.
[in his head]
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I love 'em!


"Scrubs: My Sacrificial Clam (#1.21)" (2002)
Dr. Cox: The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body.
Turk: What?
Dr. Cox: Do you understand the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.
Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls.


"Scrubs: My Brother, My Keeper (#2.14)" (2003)
Jordan Sullivan: [Jordan is pregnant] It's kicking me.
Dr. Perry Cox: Who can blame it?


"Scrubs: My Bright Idea (#5.16)" (2006)
Elliot: Dr Cox, I've got a patient with osteomyelitis who needs a bone biopsy. Who do you use?
Dr. Perry Cox: You've put me in an awkward spot because I'm a healer and I want to help, but speaking to you would acknowledge your existence, and you don't exist. So I'm going to address the stapler.
[he leans over a red stapler on the counter]
Dr. Perry Cox: Hi stapler. The red is killer... By the way, there's a Dr Brownsfield who is just the most wonderful bone guy... What?... What's that, stapler?... Oh, no, she... she's an actual doctor, ah ah...
Elliot: Neither of you are very funny!


"Scrubs: My Nah Nah Nah (#8.11)" (2009)
Dr. Perry Cox: Why isn't he in preschool right now?
Jordan Sullivan: Oh, because he told me they had the day off for Yom Kipper.
Dr. Perry Cox: Yom *Kippur* was six months ago.
Baby Jack: I hate school!
Dr. Perry Cox: I've never been more proud of you.


"Scrubs: My Occurrence (#1.22)" (2002)
Jordan Sullivan: Hello, Benji. You're very pale.
Ben Sullivan: [Giggling] I miss the sweet talk.
Jordan Sullivan: Maybe it's been too long. Maybe my feelings were hurt a little bit.
Dr. Perry Cox: [Scoffs] Feelings. That's a good one.
Ben Sullivan: Jordan, you're a big girl now. When you got the divorce, you put people in the awkward position of having to choose between you and Perry.
Jordan Sullivan: But you're my brother!
Ben Sullivan: Well, admittedly, that made it harder.


"Scrubs: My Chopped Liver (#5.17)" (2006)
Leslie: When do you turn nice? This is getting kind of old.
Dr. Perry Cox: Never, Leslie.
Leslie: He knows my name!
Dr. Perry Cox: I was just calling you by a random girl's name. Listen please, I don't care about any of your problems. I have no answers for any of you.
Gloria: But my boyfriend's bi-curious, and he wants me to pick his lovers.
Dr. Perry Cox: I may have answer for that: eww!


"Scrubs: My Own Personal Hell (#5.14)" (2006)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] A local magazine named Dr Cox the best doctor in the city. Dr Cox felt this was big news.
[Cox walks in front of doctors, paramedics and patients all arranged in a row]
Dr. Perry Cox: All right! Here's how it's going to work, people. I'm going to ask each and everyone of you just exactly WHO is the very finest physician in this city, to which you will respond: "You are!". If you do not reply in a timely and exuberant fashion , my associate here will take his mop and, these are his words, not mine, "Popsicle you".
[poses a hand over Janitor's shoulder; he makes a rapid and threatening move with his mop]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now, my lovely ex-wife will demonstrate. Darling, just exactly who is the very best physician in our fair city?
Jordan Sullivan: You are! And now, as agreed, you owe me a night on the town and some "me actually getting to finish" sex.
Dr. Perry Cox: Well done. Now, down the line we go!
Person in Line #2: You are!
Person in Line: You are!
Asian Nurse: You are!
Black Nurse: You are!
Lonnie: Y'are!
[the Janitor pokes him with the mop]
Lonnie: God! Why?
The Janitor: You combined "You" and "Are", and you said "Yar". Made no sense.
Dr. Perry Cox: It's true, Lonnie. Everybody heard it. Poke him again.
[the Janitor pokes Lonnie again, he squeaks in pain. Cox notices Kelso in line]
Dr. Perry Cox: Bob Kelso... will you be joining us?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Mh? Uh... there was a line... I assumed it had something to do with cupcakes.
Dr. Perry Cox: Bob, obviously you read the article...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Perry, the last publication I read was the issue of Out my son left by the crapper when he was home this weekend asking for money. You'll never get my validation, hotshot.
[walks away, not poked by the Janitor]
Dr. Perry Cox: And just exactly where was the poke?
The Janitor: I froze. Gimme 20 bucks, I will crack him over the head.
Dr. Perry Cox: [gives Janitor the money] Only kill him if you have to.


"Scrubs: My Interpretation (#2.20)" (2003)
Jordan Sullivan: All right... I'll see you at home in about an hour. Remember: keep him warm, support his head, check his diaper every 15 minutes, no bouncing around, no loud noise, no TV, no poking the soft spot... and Perry, you're the only one in my life that I actually have to say this to: do not yell at, demean, insult, criticize, humiliate or mock the baby.
Dr. Perry Cox: What are you talking about?
[the baby cries a little]
Dr. Perry Cox: Waaa! And have you bothered to name this thing yet?
Jordan Sullivan: I think I'm naming him after my father.
Dr. Perry Cox: Tax Evader?
Jordan Sullivan: Quinn.
Dr. Perry Cox: How about a heterosexual name, like Jack?
Jordan Sullivan: You're right, Percival: Quinn is a foofy name...


"Scrubs: My New Old Friend (#2.12)" (2003)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Look, Elliot, I...
Dr. Perry Cox: Ah damn! I missed the annual sleepover, didn't I? That wonderful time of year when you two crazy kids throw caution to the wind and make sweet, elbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy! You can tell Uncle Coxy about the naught-ay!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox, I lost my apartment and so I was just needing a place to stay...
Dr. Perry Cox: so you went over to your "friend"'s house and cried on his shoulder, boo-hoo... wham! You
[to JD]
Dr. Perry Cox: , of course, comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable and blah, blah, blah, nerdy sex... the end. Dear Lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Are you kidding? If he turns out to be her brother, this is better than my stories.
Dr. Perry Cox: [going away] Oh, you're so right...


"Scrubs: My Mentor (#1.2)" (2001)
Dr. Perry Cox: It turns out we can't save people from themselves. We just treat 'em and when he comes back with cancer, go ahead and treat that, too.
Dr. Perry Cox: Smokers, drinkers, druggies, fatties, whatever.
Dr. Perry Cox: All I'm saying is if you keep living and dying on whether or not a person changes, well.
Dr. Perry Cox: You're not going to make it as a doctor, that's all.


"Scrubs: My Five Stages (#5.13)" (2006)
Dr. Hendrick: Clearly I'm pushing some buttons here.
Dr. Cox: You couldn't push my buttons if you tried. In fact, I have no buttons. Please think of me as buttonless, all smooth like G.I Joe's nether-regions. And, by the by, this image is brought to you by my son Jack, who has been yanking the pants off of his toy soldiers and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand. It is... just disturbing enough so that, leaving the house, I'm cranky and less able to suffer fools which brings me back to you, the fool. I'm done suffering you, so go now. Go... go before you can write a book entitled "Help! A Large Doctor is Beating My Ass COLON: The Lester Hedrick Story".
Dr. Hendrick: Hm... that was a mouthful. Anyway, if you need to talk, just give me a call.
[walks away]
Dr. Cox: [to J.D] He seems strangely impervious to my threats. That annoys me.


"Scrubs: My House (#6.4)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: OK, we have a 41-year-old male who is as orange as an NBA game ball. Who can tell me why?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I got an idea.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, I got an idea too. If you want to work, let's stop paying for the room, so you can go home; then you can come back and get paid to work.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Turk, I just need a break from the baby. Mr Mehleison might be a vegetarian; he's always eating carrots.
Dr. Perry Cox: But carotene, like jaundice, turns you yellow, just like certain blood disorders turn you blue and tomatoes can turn you red. Sadly, there isn't anything on God's green Earth that turns you orange.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Maybe he got freaky with some Cheetos.
Dr. Perry Cox: Swing and a miss, Webster. Next.
Keith: Maybe he used some fake tan cream. I used it once... turned me orange all over...
Dr. Perry Cox: There were no foreign substances found on his skin, but kudos, Keith, on finally outing yourself.


"Scrubs: My Advice to You (#3.6)" (2003)
Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox turns off the T.V and the med students "awww" in disappointment] Fine. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you how it ends: Dr. Phil says,
[Dr. Phil impression]
Dr. Cox: "And how... is that working out... for you?" And the big fat lady cries, "Wah." All right, I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of residency director considering my disdain for, well... all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this God-forsaken hell-hole.
Elliot: [impressed] Hm
Dr. Cox: It's all about the four dollars, trust me. And seeing as my money is contingent on you lemmings actually doing your jobs, I would say that now is a pretty good time for you to scurry on back to work so that I can continue to afford the antidepressants that keep me so damn jolly.
[laughs weakly]
Dr. Cox: GO!


"Scrubs: Our Histories (#9.4)" (2009)
Dr. Cox: [J.D. and Turk are dancing in costumes. Dr. Cox stares interested. When they stop] Please tell me this is just an intermission, 'cause I don't want this show to ever end.
J.D.: Why are you here, Perry?
Dr. Cox: To laugh, to cry, to cry from laughing, but mostly to laugh at two desperate guys on an iceslide to an irralivant middle age.
J.D.: Well, not only have we been lettin' them know...
[turns to turk]
J.D.: Is that the right expression?
Turk: [mumbling to J.D] Yeah that's right, lettin' them know.
J.D.: [to dr. Cox again] we've been lettin' them know, by doing the cabbage patch, the running man and the capoera.
Turk: That's right, that's brazzilian dance fight! In your face.
Dr. Cox: [looking around] Where's the jackass?
[whissles for attention]
Dr. Cox: Jackass! Come!
Cole Aaronson: What up?
Dr. Cox: Now you are the host of this party and to some extend the voice of your generation and while I sadly acknowledge that heralds the coming apocalypse I do value your opinion on one thing in particular.
Cole Aaronson: Woaw... You're like shakespear, jo.
Dr. Cox: I am. I am like shakespear, jo. Now look around the room really quick and tell me the five lamest people that you see. Feel free to start with me.
Cole Aaronson: [points at dr. Cox] One: old.
[points at Ted]
Cole Aaronson: two: bald and shiney.
[points at Kelso]
Cole Aaronson: three: Superold.
[points at security guard]
Cole Aaronson: four: checked out my jug at the urinal. and...
[points at unknown guy]
Cole Aaronson: five: as weird junk, number four told me.
Turk: We didn't make the list.
J.D.: Nope, we didn't.
Turk: You've just been served.
J.D.: Yeah and you know what? We're going to rub it in your face a little bit by doing some brazilian fight dancing. Five, six, seven, eight
[start dancing and J.D. kicks Turk accidentically in the face and Turk falls down]
Dr. Cox: That was outstanding!
J.D.: [voice over] Sometimes reality takes the form of a kick to the head...
Cole Aaronson: SOrry bros. You've just been brougt to the numbers one and two of my lame-list.
J.D.: Why I think Turk should be numer one cause he appears to be bleeding.
[while Dr. Cox makes a photo of Turk lying there you hear J.D. his voice]
J.D.: ... Other times it gets right up in your grill.


"Scrubs: My Last Chance (#4.8)" (2004)
Dr. Bob Kelso: Perry, are you familiar with Sacred Heart's community service program?
Dr. Perry Cox: Bobby, lately I've notice you don't listen to a single word people say, so my reply to your question is: I think you're the world's biggest jackass and I look forward to your death.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Well, you must not be familiar with it because you're the only staff member not to have completed his 24-hour mandatory community service. Consider yourself suspended until you do. Oh... and I'm never dying...
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, God...


"Scrubs: My No Good Reason (#6.14)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: OK, I made you breakfast, the kitchen's as clean as a whistle, I'm gonna drop Jack off at daycare on the way to work. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Jordan Sullivan: I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo Something-sen; I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie and a Polaroid of the tomato plant that I planted last spring because I'm worried it may have snails; oh, and if you see that neighbor Lena, from down the hall, I want you to roll your eyes and say the word "slut" under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear; and don't forget to be home by 6:30 because you gotta give Jack his bath before you make my dinner.
Dr. Perry Cox: But when will I have time to kill myself?
Jordan Sullivan: That's not my problem!...


"Scrubs: My Moment of Un-Truth (#3.17)" (2004)
Dr. Bob Kelso: Dr Reid, why are you using standard macrolides to treat your patient instead of Clo-Veritol?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Uhm... ehm...
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh! Clo-Veritol is a drug? No, honestly, Bob, here I was under the impression that it was a travel agency, what with all the free golf trips they've gone ahead and sent you on.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I'll have you note that I do not authorize any drug for this hospital that I haven't personally researched.
Dr. Elliot Reid: What did the research for Clo-Veritol say, sir?
Dr. Bob Kelso: ..."When life's not fair... at all... use Clo-Veritol".
[leaves. Elliot smiles satisfied]
Dr. Perry Cox: Check out Barbie boo-hottie slamming Big Bob... that a girl!
Dr. Elliot Reid: I have spent the last three years in this hospital getting pushed around because I'm little Barbie from Connecticut. But there's a new toy in town and her name is Bitch-Slap Barbie... from... Connecticut...
Dr. Perry Cox: Still, let's remember that you can't even drive the doctor-car without big daddy sitting right there besides you, because you went ahead and accidentally gave the patient over in bed 4 macrolides and opiates, two medications that, I guarantee you, are gonna make her nauseous.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [scoffs] My patient is fine, and I don't need you...
[sound of the patient vomiting]
Dr. Perry Cox: I roughly think that would be the faint sound of your patient vomiting; you may be having trouble hearing it over the much louder sound of me being right yet again. Ooooh...
[Elliot leaves; Cox looks over himself and sighs]
Dr. Perry Cox: God! My brilliance is now becoming a bit of a burden. Get back to me.


"Scrubs: My Absence (#8.9)" (2009)
Dr. Perry Cox: ...And that, Dorian, is what I think of you as a person.
[Hands Elliot back her cell phone]
Dr. Elliot Reid: That sounded harsh. Are you okay?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [On speakerphone, crying] No!


"Scrubs: My Super Ego (#1.7)" (2001)
Dr. Perry Cox: [after messing with Turk] Nobody hurts Carla and gets away with it.


"Scrubs: My Drive By (#4.24)" (2005)
Dr. Perry Cox: [whistles] All right, everybody... gather round here, circle it up, will ya? Bring it in nice and tight. Look... I know I'm pretty quick to point out other people's mistakes, but... I have a son, now, and I also realize that it's important to recognize when someone does something right. Mr Blake, down in bed 3, came in here with what seemed like a basic heart block, but someone took the time to find out that recently he'd been camping and correctly diagnosed him with Lyme carditis. Now, I'm sure some of you are gonna think this is a silly exercise, but I'd like that someone to step forward and stick your hand up to the air so that the group can recognize your great good work. This... this is no time to be modest. Come now.
[turns around and raises his own hand]
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, my God! It was me! I did it, I'm a genius. I'm a huge brain in a ripped-up body. I am Jesus H. Cox, M.D. Still, I probably couldn't have done it by myself so I'd like to go ahead and recognize some of the other players who were involved. There was the intern who originally misdiagnosed the patient...
Lonnie: [raises his hand] That's me, daddy.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Put your hand down, Lonnie.
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and then there was the resident who confirmed that misdiagnosis...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: In my defense I was up late watching a "Designing Women" marathon.
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and last but not least, there was the surgeon who wanted to crack open Mr Blake's chest like a walnut and put in a pacemaker that he didn't ever need. Now, he's too modest to introduce himself to the group, so I'll do the honors. He is so black, so bald, and he can't eat cupcakes because he's got diabetes; ladies and gentlemen, Chris Turk!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Can you just get out of here so we can get back to work?
Dr. Perry Cox: Not until people start chanting my name, so that I can exit the room with my hands held high above my head in a victorious gesture. Because, you see, this diagnosing machine, this fabulous thing, well, it runs on props, so I'm going to need to hear it. Come now.
[everybody starts and chants Cox's name]
Dr. Perry Cox: Me... me... me... oh, so me!


"Scrubs: My Drama Queen (#2.21)" (2003)
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Dr. Cox! Would you like to try some of my world-famous deviled eggs?
Dr. Perry Cox: No, thanks, I've already had diarrhea.


"Scrubs: My Best Moment (#4.12)" (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: Newbie, you never promise a patient that they're gonna be fine.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Mr Milligan? His blood pressure's little low, he just has mono.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, for God's sakes, Newbie... take a look around, would you? Please... what's the difference between your Mr Milligan and every other patient in this ICU? And if the answer to that question is that he's the only one young enough to have never made a phone call like this: "Briing! Hallo? Operetah? Gimme Stuyvesant hohive-hohive-hohive", then you would be right. But since I'm not in the mood to make some big, dramatic, sweeping statement, I'll just tell you this: God hates doctors, He truly does. You see all these old people in here? Well, any of them'd give just about anything to be able to sashay off this planet, but most are gonna stay and live forever and ever and ever; and your Mr Milligan... well, it turns out he's just young enough to die. I mean, think about it... it's the holidays; there's a sweet little kid involved... can't you just feel it?


"Scrubs: My Road to Nowhere (#6.8)" (2007)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: All right, Mr Mariani... Mazel tov, you are the proud owner of yet another kidney stone! Did you try to lay off the read meat, buddy?
Mr. Mariani: I'm trying, Doc, but it's hard.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [holding and looking at the ultrasound machine] Oh, man... Kim's having her first ultrasound tomorrow.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Wow... there's nothing like that first ultrasound. Bring tissue.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Are you kidding me? I can't just up and leave. I gotta find an apartment; I live in a teepee...
Dr. Perry Cox: [harmonizing] Do-ho-ho-ri-an!
[normally speaking]
Dr. Perry Cox: You have been wrong about so many things that I'm not even going to say something's "wrong" any more... instead, I'm gonna say "It's Dorian". And the fact that you'd be willing to skip seeing that child's heartbeat for the first time is just plain Dorian! I mean, hell! Jordan's having her second ultrasound and I couldn't be more giddy; I can't wait to find out the sex of that unborn tax break.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Jordan doesn't let you know the sex until the baby's born.
Dr. Perry Cox: Dorian again. I don't know if it's the hormones or if the baby is actually eating the bitch cells; but Jordan has softened. In fact, last night... she... she asked me to cuddle...


"Scrubs: My Rabbit (#6.21)" (2007)
Dr. Cox: I've seen The Wiggles live in concert... twice.
Turk: Did they perform "Big Red Car"?
Dr. Cox: They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.


"Scrubs: My T.C.W. (#2.18)" (2003)
[Dr. Cox is discussing treatment with Mrs. Brady, who has her 4-year-old son Justin on her lap]
Dr. Perry Cox: OK, Mrs. Brady. We're gona try to break up your kidney stone with lithotripsy. In the meantime, we're gonna put you on percoset for the pain.
Mrs. Brady: I can't take pain killers. Justin's still breast-feeding.
Little Justin: [clicks his tongue, winks, and gives two-thumbs-up to Dr. Cox] *click* *click*


"Scrubs: My First Step (#2.7)" (2002)
Julie Keaton: This drug is the best one on the market. The only side effects are nausea, impotence and anal leakage.
Dr. Cox: And, I'm getting two out of three, just from having this conversation.


"Scrubs: My Clean Break (#3.11)" (2004)
Dr. Cox: So I'm pretty much thinking it's time to get the fear back. Now I am sorry but I think life is just too short to spend your time working some place where people don't crap their pants at the mere sight of ya.


"Scrubs: My Lips Are Sealed (#4.21)" (2005)
Dr. Cox: We are going to the park to celebrate and drink beer. God we love beer!


"Scrubs: His Story IV (#6.7)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: Poor kid. His head's blown off... and all for nothing.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: All for nothing? My nephew Lance is over there fighting to give those people democracy.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, so that's why we're over there! And here I thought it was to root out terrorists... or was it for oil? Or for Mama Hussein's secret falafel recipe? Ah, it's so gosh darn hard to keep truck...


"Scrubs: My Chief Concern (#8.17)" (2009)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Why would you torch Denise? You know her confidence is shot. Plus the other day you said you liked her. And I know you were just kidding around but you never said you liked me, even as a joke.
Dr. Perry Cox: I like you.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [touched] Really?
Dr. Perry Cox: No.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Nicely done.
Dr. Perry Cox: Thank you.


"Scrubs: My Cookie Pants (#8.6)" (2009)
Dr. Perry Cox: Bob, what are you doing here? Are you sick?
Dr. Bob Kelso: No, but thank you for your concern.
Dr. Perry Cox: No, you misunderstood me. I was being hopeful.
[Crosses fingers]
Dr. Perry Cox: Are you sick?


"Scrubs: My Ocardial Infarction (#4.13)" (2005)
Dr. Perry Cox: Say! That was some real Nancy Drew stuff, there... Nancy. I mean, absolutely irrelevant as far as medicine goes, but damn amusing.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift. Many are.
Dr. Perry Cox: Did you feel that you weren't quite annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you... you are annoying enough; in fact, you're the number one contender for the middleweight annoyance crown.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Well, you're the number one jealous... weight for the jealous... weight jealous c-champ...
Dr. Perry Cox: [in a excited commentator-like tone] He's done it! He's done it! Dorian's the most annoying man... in the world! Who would have ever thought a journeyman annoyer like Dorian...
[leaves while speaking]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You were a close second...


"Scrubs: My Sex Buddy (#2.11)" (2003)
Dr. Cox: Oh, joy. I get to work on Mrs. Credin with the Wonder Twins. Dear Lord, what in thy most Holy Name have I done to offend thee so?
Elliot: My brother Bradley and I used to always pretend that we were the Wonder Twins. He would always become "form of a dragon" and then I would want to be a dragon too, but he said I'd be something made of water, so I'd be like "shape of an ice dragon"! And then he would say that I was copying him and he'd breath on me and I'd have to melt, but it was still *so* awesome.
Dr. Cox: That's funny, I don't recall asking for a really
[x10]
Dr. Cox: , ree-heeely boring story. My God, Barbie! Don't you understand no one cares?
Turk: I care.
Dr. Cox: Correction: no one important cares.


"Scrubs: My Urologist (#5.23)" (2006)
Dr. Perry Cox: Could I... uh... could I have everybody's attention, please... Jordan's pregnant.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [to Jordan] Ah! You get over here, you!
Jordan Sullivan: Not a hug moment, sweetie.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [backs off] Right... yes, no...
Dr. Perry Cox: Uh...
[takes a pencil from a nurse's hands; speaks in a high-pitched voice moving the pencil in his hand as it was speaking]
Dr. Perry Cox: But, Dr Cox, here I though you and Jordan were done trying to have any more babies.
[in his normal voice]
Dr. Perry Cox: We were, but my vasectomy didn't take, which, apparently, is not that uncommon.
[in the high-pitched voice again]
Dr. Perry Cox: Holy crap, Dr Cox... that must have really pissed you off.
[in his normal voice]
Dr. Perry Cox: Yes, it did, actually. What is... what is your name?
[in the high-pitched voice again]
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, I'm any generic hospital worker who happens to ask you a question about your pregnancy and/or any baby-related issues.
[in his normal voice]
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, isn't that nice?...
[breaks the pencil in two pieces]
Dr. Perry Cox: This morality play was made possible by a generous grant from the Just See If I Was Kidding Foundation.


"Scrubs: My Student (#1.17)" (2002)
J.D.: [narration] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the only thing to do is to think of someone that I look up to and remember how they first got through to me.
[Dr. Cox coming around the corner, approaches J.D]
Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it. I'll tackle that one right upstairs
[points to his head]
Dr. Cox: . In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work. And right about now, even though you don't have your basket, oh it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley.
[J.D. walks away slowly]
Dr. Cox: Skip away, skip away, skip away
[J.D. skips a little]
Dr. Cox: , skip, skip, skip to my lou, whoo hoo!


"Scrubs: My Best Friend's Mistake (#1.3)" (2001)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox.
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm hoping for your sake there's another Dr Cox sitting right behind me.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I feel stupid but... sending me to Kelso like that, well... I'm not sure what you were trying to teach me.
Dr. Perry Cox: The value, and this is important, of leaving me alone.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I think we both know there's more to it than that.
Dr. Perry Cox: No, no, there's not! Look, I want you to go ahead and spread the word, missy: I've had enough! The next whiny intern that comes in here looking at me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic one-woman freak show, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist; because if you're so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine
[!]
Dr. Perry Cox: over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brain ship because he's drunk at the wheel!
Dr. Elliot Reid: You're right... I need to learn to pick my battles! Thank you sir!
[leaves the room]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...You're welcome.


"Scrubs: My Waste of Time (#7.10)" (2008)
Dr. Perry Cox: What in the hell are you talking about?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I'm just doing this thing where I use a slice of wisdom from someone else's life to solve a problem in my own life.
Jordan Sullivan: Seems coincidental.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And yet I do it almost every week.


"Scrubs: My Hard Labor (#7.2)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: Didn't I tell you two to treat Mr Meltzer?
Josephine: [speaking always in her very high-pitched tone] Yes, but he won't let us because...
Dr. Perry Cox: No, no, no! Remember our new system so that I never have to hear your voice again?
[Josephine writes something on a post-it and handles it to Cox]
Dr. Perry Cox: "He doesn't want to be treated by interns" with your "I" dotted with a heart and a little frowny face at the end. It's incredible: your handwriting's actually more annoying than your voice! Regardless, you interns are the future of this hospital, and if you don't treat patients you won't learn. What I want you to do is walk over to Mr Meltzer and say these words: "I'm your doctor. Deal with it". Can you say that?
Josephine, Boon: I'm your doctor...
Dr. Perry Cox: [to Josephine] Not you. Never you.
Boon: I am your doctor. Deal with it.
Dr. Perry Cox: Peachy.


"Scrubs: My Tuscaloosa Heart (#1.18)" (2002)
Jordan Sullivan: [bursting into Dr Cox's apartment] Hi, Honey, I'm home! You should lock your door; there's horrible people out there.
Dr. Perry Cox: There's horrible people right in here!


"Scrubs: My Old Man (#1.19)" (2002)
Dr. Perry Cox: You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy 26-year-old doctor who keeps crying about how horrible his father was.
J.D.: Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so...
Dr. Perry Cox: Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage. And from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger, and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand, but for now trust me when I tell you that I wouldn't care if today was the first time you ever even met your daddy. Because in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job. Okay?


"Scrubs: His Story II (#3.18)" (2004)
Dr. Miller: Why are you smiling?
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm just glad you finally ended up on my side of the camp.
Dr. Miller: I'm an adult, I don't go to camp. Listen, if Dr Kelso was going to take me somewhere which was actually going to help my career, I'd be gone so fast you'd be left here staring at an imaginary woman's chest.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, I'm sorry. That dress your wearing just screams respect me as a doctor.