Quotes for
Dr. Perry Cox (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)

"Scrubs: My New God (#5.5)" (2006)

Dr. Cox: Remind me again, why are you having our son babtised?
Jordan: Oh what do you care? You're not even going!
Dr. Cox: Fine, let him go to chruch. I mean i let him go to magic shows. I'll just tell him it's all a lie when he gets home, so he doesn't have any of those crazy nightmares
Jordan: By the way, i invited your sister
Dr. Cox: Oh Jordan please tell me you didn't!
Jordan: Oh i'm sorry sweetie. I don't think she'd be so upset. I'll call her and tell her not to come.
[starts laughing]
Jordan: How weird would it be if i was like that?

J.D.: When is this joy assescation?
Dr. Cox: You're not invited
J.D.: Oh i see, family only everyone. That's how they're doing it
Carla: I'm going
Dr. Cox: Newbie, give me a break of course you're going! For the matter of fact, i'd like you to be the boys godfather
J.D.: [whispering] I... am... honored!
Dr. Cox: [whispering] I... am lying

Dr. Cox: Everyone! This is my sister Paige. Paige I'd like you to meet random people I don't care about

J.D.: Hi I'm JD! I'm sure Perry has spoken of me
Paige: No
J.D.: Nothing about taking a taunted go getter under his wig or being surrogate father to a boy who lost his one? Nothing about that at all? I'm surprised. It's interesting for me, but okay!
[thinking]
J.D.: Don't cry in front of people
Paige: Perry and I don't talk much
J.D.: Ohhh they don't talk much everybody! There's not much talking in the family.
Dr. Cox: Rest assured, Newbie. Even if we did talk from morning till night about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me. The big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer and the resurgence of the hard-shelled taco; the small...
Paige: [copying Cox] The small being my ex-wife Jordan, wind energy and a-ha-hall fruit-infused liquors... your name still would not have come up.

Paige: You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid? Every night we'd play horse in the driveway and i'd always kick his ass
J.D.: Can Christians say ass now? I have a friend, Pat Casey, he called his mum an ass once. She hit him in the face with an iron. He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore
Paige: Okay, i need to go say hi to Jordan
[she walks off. Cox arrives as soon as Paige is gone]
J.D.: She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a born again Christian sister?
Dr. Cox: I don't know. Maybe the TV was broken one day and she picked up the bible and found it to be just a darn good read. Or, maybe it had something to do with out mothers ability to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think Newbie?
J.D.: Probably the room to room thing

J.D.: Dr. Cox! If it makes you feel any better, at the baptism I'll be there to keep Paige company
Dr. Cox: Yeah. You're not going
J.D.: Dammit! Stupid baptism.

J.D.: Morning, sunshine!
Dr. Cox: Never say that again
J.D.: Noted. That was quite a fight you had with your sister yesterday. Won't it be a little awkward when you show up at St. Mary's Cathedral on the corner of Maple and Pine, right across from Temple Oheb Shalom, at 4 P.M. today?
Dr. Cox: That's not where the baptism is, but nice try.
J.D.: Mark my words... when that little bastard's dipped in water, I will be there.
Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by. Mr. Donnelly's labs came back and it looks like the steroid is finally working. If you happen to be keeping score at home, that would be Medicine, One -God, Zero.
J.D.: Ah, you don't have to rub it in her face.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, and I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope down my pants every morning, but I still do. Now isn't there some other relationship you could be out there trying to fix?

Dr. Cox: Could I comment on the baptism dress?
Paige: I think you should wait to see the matching slippers and tiny handbag
Dr. Cox: You're actually encouraging him to cross-dress on the same day that you're introducing him to a religion that will condemn him to Hell for it. That's a trauma twofer.
Jordan: Can you two please just try to get along? Now I'm getting some blush for Jack, because this lace collar is washing out his face. Terrible.
Dr. Cox: Paige, will you just acknowledge that medicine made Mr. Donnelly better?
Paige: Fine. It was medicine.
Dr. Cox: Aha
Paige: Thank God for creating medicine
Dr. Cox: [Flipping out] A-ghe-de-geh-geh-geh!
[Stands]
Dr. Cox: That's it! That is it.
[Grabs Jack, who begins giggling wildly]
Dr. Cox: Now you, you may be a total goner, but God's not getting his hands on this one. No way, no how. Come on, Jackie boy, we got places to go.

J.D.: You can rub mine's belly if I can rub yours'.
Dr. Cox: Don't you touch my son

Dr. Cox: There will be no whining or crying while we sit here, understood?
J.D.: [Stroking Jack's hair] He seems fine.
Dr. Cox: I wasn't talking to him.
J.D.: I don't whine or cry.
Janitor: Really? Then how do you explain these photos of you whining and crying as you run away from the Kwans' apartment?
J.D.: These are coasters.
Janitor: My camera's broken.

Dr. Cox: You know what, there, Newbie? You can go to the baptism. Now take Jack; Jordan'll kill me if he's not there. Plus, I know you - you're exactly one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.
J.D.: No, thank you. If there's one thing I learned from this guy
[gestures at the Janitor]
J.D.: , it's I need to stop trying to fix people's relationships.
Janitor: You're welcome
J.D.: Still, I've never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs. In fact, you're pretty tolerant of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman
Dr. Cox: Meh
J.D.: I just don't understand why your sister being religious bothers you so much
Dr. Cox: It doesn't
J.D.: Then why are you so angry?

Dr. Cox: It's not the God stuff.
[Faces her seriously]
Dr. Cox: I have worked hard to try to forget everything about our childhood. But when I see you, I... I can't think about anything else.
Paige: It's hard for me, too.
Dr. Cox: But I don't see why you can't be there for the major events in Jack's life
Paige: I'd love to see him turn three
Dr. Cox: The *major* events, Paige: His graduation, his wedding, his divorce, and his funeral... the Big Four
Paige: I beat you at Horse, he has a church wedding
Dr. Cox: Done

Dr. Cox: You know, Paige is a silly name.
Paige: Perry's worse

---

"Scrubs: My New Game (#4.3)" (2004)

Jordan: Have a good day. Try not to torture anyone so much that they take their own lives.
Dr. Cox: I'll try. You know, you're not looking as processed and overly-medicated as usual.
Jordan: That is so sweet!

Dr. Cox: Don't tell me - you and Sweaty Teddy here are gonna finally have that commitment ceremony you've been dreaming about?
Dr. Kelso: Perry, even if I went that way - and believe me, there were nights in the service when it didn't sound so far-fetched - Ted is hardly my type.
Ted Buckland: I beg to differ, I've seen Enid.

Carla: Miss Myers is ready to have her bandages removed now.
Dr. Cox: Who do you mean, dashboard-face?
Carla: Yeah, I think she prefers "Miss Myers."
Dr. Cox: Well then she probably shouldn't be checking her e-mail while she's driving ninety miles an hour.

Dr. Cox: You know what? I've got a son, I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. Sooo, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life?
Dr. Clock: So what's his wife like?
Carla: So scary!

Dr. Cox: There's no way in hell that I'm gonna listen to you complain about the rest of your life for the rest of my life, you got that?
Jordan: Yeah, not listening. By the way, now that we're married again, we've gotta make out new wills in case one of us dies.
Dr. Cox: Oh, God, I hope it's me.

Dr. Cox: Mm-hm. Why don't you just...
Dr. Clock: Mind my own business. I know, your life is your life, and it's not my job to fix it, unless of course you ask me to. And, man, would I get in there, 'cause I'm a good shrink and you, my friend, are a walking disaster. Shall we?

Dr. Cox: Yeah, I make it a point to never enter a shrink's office unless I'm planning on grossly overpaying somebody for telling me something that I already know.
Dr. Clock: Look, you're obviously really distracted by the situation with your marriage...
Dr. Cox: Something I already know, what do I owe? Will ten bucks cover it?

Dr. Cox: Jordan! Will you... will you divorce me?
Jordan: Ohh, I thought you'd never ask!

---

"Scrubs: My Half-Acre (#5.9)" (2006)

J.D.: I know I haven't hit it in a white, but there's good reasons for that
Dr. Cox: Two good reasons: his face and his personality.
J.D.: Sticks and stones may break my bones...
[thinking]
J.D.: But words will hurt forever

Jordan: Will you say good bye to Jack before I drop him off at preschool?
Dr. Cox: [pets his sons head] Bye, little man.
Jordan: Perry, this is your son, not a pitbull. Give him a kiss.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy. And I'm just not real big on kissing guys. I mean, when my father wanted to show me affection he would just purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.
Jordan: You are gonna be a much better dad than your dad was. Now give him a proper goodbye!
Dr. Cox: [shakes Jack's hand] Son, always a pleasure. No more kissing!
[Cox walks off]
Jordan: You're crazy!

Carla: I don't understand, why wouldn't you kiss him?
Dr. Cox: [singing voice] Stay out of it, Carla!
Mrs. Wilk: Stay out of what?
Carla: Dr. Cox won't kiss his son.
Mrs. Wilk: What is wrong with you?
Dr. Cox: Ladies, I hate to disappoint but my quota for women who bug the living bejeezus out of me has been met for the next billion years.

Carla: I think he described all the extra effort he put in so you would tell him what an amazing doctor he is.
Mrs. Wilk: Now that you've told me it won't sound sincere.
Carla: He won't care.
Mrs. Wilk: Dr Cox, you're amazing.
Dr. Cox: It's just my job.

Lonnie: Dr. Cox, would you help me with a centeral line.
Dr. Cox: Fine, Lonnie. But hand to God, if you so much as look at me for the next month I will mummify your head in surgical tape.
Lonnie: Thank you Dr. Cox!
[looks away]
Lonnie: Is he gone? No? Hello?

Patient: I'm a Jehova's Witness, I can't get a transfusion. We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person
Dr. Cox: Well I'm a doctor and we believe that without surgery a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness.
Carla: Don't worry, he will figure out another way to treat you
Dr. Cox: [laughing as he walks off] Hehehe! No he won't!

Carla: So what's the deal, cranky pants?
Dr. Cox: I'm just sick and tired of having to living up to everybody's expectations. Lonnie needs a central line, you want me to help Mrs London and every patient in this dump looks at me for some miracle cure. I mean honestly Carla, with Jehovah as my witness, sometimes it is just too much.
Carla: Yeah, I'm not buying it. You've been putting up with this stuff around here for over 20 years.
Dr. Cox: Not just here; at home too. Jordan expects me to be this amazing sensitive father.
Carla: So that is what this is about? You shouldn't sweat the sensitive Dad stuff. You'll get there.
Dr. Cox: You don't know anything.

J.D.: How did you know I'd move to fast with Julie?
Dr. Cox: How do you know that I can be that kind of dad?
Turk: How did you that Kelso just wanted respect?
Elliot: Because I know you!
Carla: Because I know you!
Janitor: Because I know him!
Todd: [watches it on the security camera] This is so cool!

---

"Scrubs: My Rite of Passage (#5.2)" (2006)

Jordan Sullivan: Let's go Per!
Dr. Perry Cox: I've been waiting for an hour.
Jordan Sullivan: I know, I was leafing though a magazine and watching you on the security cameras. My favorite part is when you said "Screw her!" and then you stormed out, but then you came back because you realised
[waves keys]
Jordan Sullivan: I have the keys!
Dr. Perry Cox: Jordan. Now that you work here *h-every* day, if the carpool torturing persists, I'm gonna put a plexi-glass seperator right down the middle of the car so you can't drive me crazy - you can't, you can't, you can't. Unfortunately your door handle doesn't work from the inside, which simply means that if we're in a fiery crash you won't be able to get out. Eeh, whatever.
[Jordan walks off while Cox is still speaking. He doesn't even notice]
Dr. Perry Cox: That's a risk I'm sure willing to take.
[looks up to see Jordan gone]
Dr. Perry Cox: Jorderoo?
[camera switches to the view of Dr. Cox on the security monitor]
Dr. Perry Cox: Hello?
Jordan Sullivan: I'm in here! You can't see me!
Dr. Perry Cox: Jordan!

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [Jd is in "time-out" when Cox's Interns for saying "let's rock'n roll"] I'm an attending
Dr. Perry Cox: Tell it to the wall Newbie

Dr. Christopher Turk: How do i know this guy?
Dr. Perry Cox: Maybe you used to date him?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh that's so clever. I'm gay! Wow! It's good!
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm tired

Dr. Perry Cox: Oh. Would everyone please watch this? Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy. He leads off with the Chin Quiver.
[Thompson does so]
Dr. Perry Cox: Then he goes right to the Look Away.
[Thompson drops his eyes, and waves off Jordan's hand on his shoulder]
Dr. Perry Cox: He tries to hold it back but he just can't because there's too much pain!
[Thompson's body shudders]
Dr. Perry Cox: And then finally, he squeezes out one single... tear
[mock cries and leads the applause]
Dr. Perry Cox: ... Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theatre!
Dr. Christopher Turk: I can't watch this.
Nurse Roberts: Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.

Jordan Sullivan: Sam? What are you doing back here?
Sam Thompson: Hey, lambchop. Uh, crazy story - I was, uh, I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident, and thank God I'm alive. I'd hug you but I, uh, uuuggghhh
[wiggles handcuffed hand and chuckles]
Sam Thompson: !
Dr. Kelso: Jordan. This is one of our most famous con artist-slash-drug addicts.
Sam Thompson: Nice to see you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You as well. Turkleton? You've dealt with him before...
Sam Thompson: Hey, dude!
Dr. Kelso: why didn't you tell her?
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Pointing at Cox] 'Cause he told me not to!
Dr. Perry Cox: This is gonna cost you.

Dr. Perry Cox: It's a rite of passage that you have to go through around here to be accepted.
Jordan Sullivan: Oh my God! You actually did something nice for me!
Dr. Perry Cox: No, no. No no no no no no no. It was a selfish act. If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me!

---

"Scrubs: My Cake (#4.6)" (2004)

Dr. Perry Cox: Say, Barbie, for a second there, I thought you were being a little bit cold, but then you really saved it with the "
[sigh]
Dr. Perry Cox: ... 'Kay."
Dr. Elliot Reid: What are you going to do, hide from him all day and then call him "Ginger"?
Dr. Perry Cox: No. It's Monday, which of course means it's Ethnic Day, so I'll be going with Rosalita, and besides, I have a plan.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Which is?
Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, unfortunately, the first part of the plan is not to share it with people who annoy me. Want to hear the second part?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Sure
Dr. Perry Cox: I can't. My hands are tied by the first part

Dr. Perry Cox: Hey, Newbie? Just in case you didn't actually notice, I have been covering all your patients, answering all your pages, and doing pretty much everything shy of picking up your sundress from the drycleaners.
J.D.: Well, I didn't ask you to do any of that, did I?
[he storms off]
Dr. Perry Cox: Outstanding! You're walking away like a pissy little ingrate. I mean, bravo!
[starts applauding]
Dr. Perry Cox: Bravo, ah!
[He whistles as Ted walks up and joins him in applauding. Cox stops clapping]
Ted: What are we clapping for?
Dr. Perry Cox: His dad just died.
[Ted's applause trails off]
Dr. Perry Cox: Dammit

Dr. Elliot Reid: Why are you still antagonising him?
Dr. Perry Cox: I don't know. I can't stop.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I am warning you, you better come through for him.
Dr. Perry Cox: What do you want me to do, anyway?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Be more sensitive. Try giving him a hug.
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie... you've met be before, yes? Now, at most, I can muster one hug a year, and nine months ago I hugged my son, so: you're gonna have to do it.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Um, you saw us before, we're still awkward from the break-up.
Dr. Perry Cox: Hold the phone: are you suggesting that if I sleep with him, that I won't have to deal with problems like this? Because I'm seriously considering taking that hit.
[as Elliot walks off]
Dr. Perry Cox: I mean, honestly, what is he like in post-game? Is there spooning? Because I don't spoon, I'm not a spooner.

Dr. Perry Cox: Truth be told, there, Newbie: I'm proud of you.
Dan Dorian: Me too.
J.D.: [narrating] It's amazing how a few simple words can change everything.

[Dr. Cox has duct-taped Dan's head to the wall above the bathtub]
Dan Dorian: What's this?
Dr. Perry Cox: It's your basic homemade anti-drowning device to be worn until your brother returns.
Dan Dorian: ...I like it.

Dr. Perry Cox: Listen, Dan...
Dan Dorian: [points to a beard of bubbles on his chin] Captain Bubblebeard. Sheaht yer scuppers, me hardies!
[Dr. Cox shoves Dan's head under the bathwater]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now you're Dan again! Let's break down the kid's support structure, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist; and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what must be, by now, mostly your own urine!
Dan Dorian: I believe the ratio has shifted, yes...
Dr. Perry Cox: And I have to believe that together, *together*, Dan, we can make it at least half way to one legitimite adult!
Dan Dorian: You're right, Coxy!
[Dan stands up. Dr. Cox frowns at his crotch]
Dan Dorian: JD needs us, and he needs us now!
Dr. Perry Cox: Towel!
Dan Dorian: Let's do this!
[Dan wraps himself in the towel, and takes one step out of the bathtub before falling flat on his face]
Dan Dorian: I may have lost some muscle mass in my legs...
Dr. Perry Cox: Fantastic.

---

"Scrubs: My Old Friend's New Friend (#4.1)" (2004)

J.D.: Come on, man, it's our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station. You must have a metaphor you want to use; hit me with it!
Dr. Cox: I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Lemme see, uhh... Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything - eve - everything that exists - past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh! And Hugh Jackman.

Carla: Dr Cox, can i borrow you for a minute?
Dr. Cox: Borrow me? Dearheart you are rescuing me. Newbie you're on your own- get used to it

Dr. Cox: I sure hope you're comfortable in that bed, because you're gonna be in one just like it for the rest of your natural born life.
J.D.: What the hell was that?
Dr. Cox: That was me talking to a patient who has thrown in the towel. You can't save everyone, Newbie, so I suggest you start working with people who want your help. That's what I will be doing.

J.D.: I just want you to know I'm not ready to give up on Mr. Radford.
Dr. Cox: Do you want me to give you my "things I don't care about" speech again? Because, you know, I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything.
J.D.: I agrizzle, my nizzle.
Dr. Cox: Go on home and get in bed, will ya. I'm betting your friend Mr. Radford's already in his. I'll see ya.

Dr. Cox: [when Turk and JD huged each other after Turk just came back from his Honeymoon] Oh wo, wo. What do we have here? The newlyweds... oh and hey Carla. Mark my words he first year of marriage is just a real treat!
[to Jordan]
Dr. Cox: Sweetheart, do you remember ours?
Jordan: The silly fighting for control!
Dr. Cox: You broke my jaw!
Jordan: You gotta stop that back-talk early. Come on, glass jaw.

Dr. Cox: Good God, Fantasia. You - you don't actually think I'm done teaching you, do you? D'you not understand the only difference between today and tomorrow is that you wake up tomorrow and start coming in here and killing people, that no one can say, "It's no big deal, he's just a resident." Instead, what they're damn sure gonna be wondering is who tried to educate your sorry ass. And when that finger of blame starts pointing in my direction, I had damn sure better be in a coma from the anger stroke I suffered from the last time you tried to hug me. Oh, and, uh, don't be late tomorrow... Doctor.

---

"Scrubs: My Unicorn (#4.11)" (2004)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anyway, know Mr. Marks? He said he doesn't have any family to be a kidney donor? But he's got a son! We gotta find this guy!
Dr. Perry Cox: Look, Newbie, there are times a man wants to keep something to himself. Say he's got a son or he's 29 years old and keeps a journal with a unicorn drawn on the cover.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's a horse with a sword on his head and he's there to guard my hopes and dreams.

Dr. Perry Cox: By the by, this moment is so great that I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one, and raise a family of tiny little moments.

Dr. Perry Cox: I love this moment so much that I want to have sex with it.

Dr. Perry Cox: Boy, let me tell you about it. You know, I got this kid who constantly ignores my advice and then flashes me the sad doe eyes every time I call him a girl's name or scream in his face.
Gregory Marks: Do you wanna sing about him?
Dr. Perry Cox: No, not ever.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You will never guess what I found on the computer?
Dr. Perry Cox: Is it a set of adult male shoulders?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: They had to trim them to get me out of the well.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, right.

Dr. Perry Cox: Who gave you this number?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm asking for your help here.
Dr. Perry Cox: Okay, but I think it's very important to focus on the "who gave you this number" issue.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Fine. Maybe I got too involved like you said, but would it kill you for once to acknowledge for that my heart was in the right place instead of spending all your time berating me.
Dr. Perry Cox: You got this number from Jordan, didn't you? She hates me.

---

"Scrubs: My Quarantine (#4.16)" (2005)

[the hospital is under quarantine]
Dr. Perry Cox: Let's bear in mind that we are shorthanded: There are only four doctors here.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I counted more than that.
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm talking legitimate doctors, turtle-head. Here pee-pants is a pathologist, so he doesn't count. Johnson is a dermatologist, which is Greek for "fake doctor," and please don't even get me started on you four surgeons.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: There's only two of us.
Dr. Perry Cox: You are so very useless, I counted you both twice.

Danni Sullivan: SARS sucks!
Dr. Perry Cox: Okay; you can direct any technical questions to my former sister-in-law.

Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: [reading the chart] Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise... Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Patient: Yeah.
J.D.: [thought] And then I said something stupid...
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [thought] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lock-down.
Dr. Perry Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni Sullivan: [offering a flask] Quaran-tinies, anyone?

Dr. Perry Cox: So, Nurse Gandhi-rella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths. Happy ending optional - his choice, not yours.
Dr. Christopher Turk: This guy's in a coma.
Dr. Perry Cox: Not all of him.

Carla: The worst first date that I ever had was with this guy who took me to this dump of a pizza parlor, right -
Dr. Christopher Turk: You know what? Really don't want to hear about this one, okay?
[Turk turns and nears Dr. Cox, who's talking to a separate group of people]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and she didn't like the pizza I ordered because it had anchovies on it. Can you believe that?
[Turk hurriedly turns back to Carla's story]
Carla: ...it had *anchovies.*
[back to Cox]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and pineapples.
[back to Carla]
Carla: ...and pineapples.
[back to Cox]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and red peppers.
[back to Carla]
Carla: ...and green peppers.
[Turk relaxes]
Carla: Wait - red peppers.
Dr. Christopher Turk: No!

---

"Scrubs: My Way Home (#5.7)" (2006)

Dr. Cox: Your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you five days may seem like an eternity as it's roughly five times as long as any of your pasty relationships have lasted. But trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.
Elliot: Oh really? Because you never went to assface school, but you seem to be an expert at that. Am I right?
J.D.: [didn't hear conversation, but high-fives Elliot] Here's some!
Dr. Cox: You're going to high five THAT? Bi-hig mistake.
J.D.: I didn't know what I was high-fiving. I gotta stop doing that.
Elliot: Did you eat my mango body butter?
J.D.: No.
[thinking]
J.D.: I smeared it on a bagel.

J.D.: [to Keith] Why would you page me?
Dr. Cox: Because I told him to, and I know what you're thinking Dorothy, why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh darn trivial. But the real question ought to be: why when YOU were an intern did you call me in time, after time, after time, after time.

Dr. Cox: So if I understand correctly, you left my only child with a creepy borderline psychotic who hates everyone?
Carla: How is that different from leaving him with you?

Dr. Cox: Trust me Carla, when you do have your own kid, you're gonna find you had the courage to be a parent all along.
Carla: Thank you.

Carla: Dr. Cox, why aren't you freaking out? Look at him, your kid's all green and slimy!
Dr. Cox: I suppose it's because, when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and... slimy.

---

"Scrubs: My Office (#4.2)" (2004)

[after Dr. Cox announced that J.D. and Elliot are both gonna be chief resident]
J.D.: Uh... What now?
Dr. Cox: Well, I figure with her being ridiculously booksmart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills and you being warm and cuddly as an unpotty-trained labradoodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an unpotty-trained labradoodle, together the two of you would make one barely passable doctor... slash labradoodle...

Dr. Cox: I don't know what to tell you, there, Bobbo. Either this kid has a light bulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.

J.D.: Hey, when Elliot asked you if she could run for chief resident and you said "why not," that was just a goof, right?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Cox. Ran all those tests on Mr. Landisman.
Dr. Cox: Top-notch work, there, Barbie! She's good! She's very, very, very good! Now, sorry, where were we?
J.D.: I am a medical professional, and you are not gonna get me to compete with Elliot.
Dr. Cox: Well, Jo-Jo, right now she's winning.
J.D.: Let me know how to get back on top. I'll do anything, even if it means I have to kill somebody!
Dr. Cox: Well, you could start by getting the lightbulb out of this genius's pooper. Impress me.
J.D.: Oh, I'll impress you!

Dr. Molly Clock: Perry! You know, I have a cousin named Perry. But actually, no, he's not my cousin; and, you know, his name isn't Perry, it's... Jeff.
Dr. Cox: That's so funny. I have an uncle named Stop Bothering Me.

Dr. Christopher Turk: Why don't we just reach up there and tug that bad boy out?
Dr. Cox: It's not a rabbit in a hat. If you tug on it, it's going to break; and if it breaks, he's going to need surgery; and if you perform it, then, of course, he's going to need a casket. Sooo, why don't you just play quietly in your area until the crowd arrives.

---

"Scrubs: My Female Trouble (#4.10)" (2004)

Dr. Perry Cox: I should've known, Barbie. Hell, you have been impersonating a doctor since the first day you got here.

Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie, the guy's a sexist pig. He's gonna eat you alive.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, I'm not the same doctor I was four years ago. I'm smarter, I'm more confident...
Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just skip the rest of your "I'll show you speech" and just walk away in a huff. I'm very busy. Thank you!

Dr. Perry Cox: Life is pointless, Gandhi and I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. The only thing more pointless than life itself is being a doctor. I mean, bottom line, you spend eight years and 200G's trying to get through med school and what do you have to show for it? I'll tell ya. A diploma on your wall and a bullseye on your back.

Carla: And you reminded him that people are basically good.
Dr. Perry Cox: People suck. They suck. And make no mistake about it, even sweet little old ladies are looking to bend you over a chair in court. Come on.
Dr. Perry Cox: We covered people.
Carla: And I know you wouldn't never do anything to ruin his innocence.
Dr. Perry Cox: You see, there's a compartment in the hat. So the stinkin' rabbit is actually in there the whole time, right?

Carla: Here's what's going to happen. You're going to drop this lawsuit because it's wrong and you know it. But also because if you don't, I'm going to pound the plaid right off of that shirt and make it so that the only way you'll be able to eat pie is through a straw!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Jordan's making me stretch out her new jeans.
Dr. Perry Cox: Cry me a river. Guess what Gandhi's wife is making me do because if supposedly "broke his spirit".
Harvey Corman: Ever since the operation, I've been serving lefty so it could be a little unpredictable.

---

"Scrubs: My Overkill (#2.1)" (2002)

Troubador: I have other songs, you know
Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, you do.

Dr. Perry Cox: You know, Bob, I've been thinking about all the times that you've manipulated me and toyed with me, and, well, I can't help but recall that children's fable about the race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him; but right at the end - gosh, I'm sure you remember what happened, Bob - the tortoise bit clean-through the chief of medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive, right there on the racetrack. It's a... disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me, nonetheless.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Buzzy, buzz, buzz...
Dr. Perry Cox: I... beg your pardon?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Oh, uh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound!

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Okay, fine: I'm sorry I slept with your ex-wife!
Nurse Laverne Roberts: I think I'll sit back down.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: It was an accident.
Dr. Perry Cox: Look... First of all, it's not like you tripped and fell into her... and then out of her... and then into her... again. And, second of all, you're smart enough to know that I don't want to talk about this; I don't want to know where you did it; I don't even want to know... how it was.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: A little scary - - Sorry! Jitters!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] And here come the fireworks...
Dr. Perry Cox: I know you didn't have any idea who she was, and I understand why you were too nervous to tell me. So, whatta ya say we leave it at that? I forgive you; you are forgiven. Okay?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] Cool.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Damn.

Dr. Perry Cox: [holding J.D.'s pager] Do you know how I know that this is yours, Farrah? 'Cause when I paged you earlier, someone found it next to a can of Fresca and a dog-eared copy of Teen People magazine. Anyway - long story, short: The whole incident gave me a bang-up idea; because, you see, I've got tomorrow off. So I'm gonna be on my couch, sipping on some scotch and paging you every twenty seconds. And if you don't answer every damn last one of 'em, I'm gonna shove this thing so far down your throat it's gonna make you take a tinkle every time it goes off.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: First off, I want to thank you all for agreeing to talk.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Bambi, you paged us here.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Be that as it may, I think there are some simple solutions. Dr. Cox, you're angry with me.
Dr. Perry Cox: No, I'm not.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: And you won't admit this, but you're in love with Carla.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, he's not.
Dr. Perry Cox: Actually, I am.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're starting again!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Carla, you're mad Turk didn't trust you enough to tell you.
Dr. Christopher Turk: See, trust, woman, trust!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Whatever, the point is that Turk is sorry.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Not anymore.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I can't believe you thought he was a threat!
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm a threat.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're not in love with me, you idolioze me.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: If we could just try to stay focused...
Dr. Christopher Turk: You're mad because I'm scared of losing you?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Yes, because we're stronger than that!
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] Apparently not!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You should be glad I never took our relationship for granted, you silly woman!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: If we could just refrain from name-calling...
Dr. Perry Cox: Oprah's right!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Lay off of him!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're just pissed because you're still in love with your ex!
Dr. Perry Cox: [slams his fist down on the table] Okay, that's it! Now, I have killed for so much less than that, and I'll damn sure do it again unless you all shut the hell up right now, and I MEAN NOW!
[they all disperse]

---

"Scrubs: Her Story (#4.5)" (2004)

Dr. Cox: How, uh, how old is this patient?
Elliot: Seventy-nine.
Dr. Cox: And... how old would you say he was when you started this procedure?
Elliot: [thinking] The more I thought about how awesome Molly is, the more I got sick of Dr. Cox's crap.
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, I could fly to China, adopt a child, raise her, send her to medical school, and then train her to do this procedure in the time it's taking you to finish.
Elliot: [thinking] Enough! He's never been there for you! Burn this bridge once and for all!
Dr. Cox: Barbie, honest to God, if you...
Elliot: You know what, Dr. Cox? I have so had it with this whole macho alpha-male thing, and I have heard every tired, recycled put-down you have in you. So, from now on, save your stupid lessons for someone who gives a frick, because honestly, I don't even wanna see you or the stupid poodle perm of yours unless it's walking away from me.

Dr. Cox: Oh, whoa, now. What happened to - what happened to feisty Barbie, huh? You know, it took me a helluva lot to shake off that tongue-lashing you gave me yesterday.
Elliot: Yeah, well, yesterday I had a mentor, but she turned out to be insane. I mean, how am I supposed to take professional advice from somebody who can't even hold together their personal life?
Dr. Cox: Look, I know you and I have never really connected - maybe that's because you're relentlessly annoying, or maybe it's my fault because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people - I don't know. But answer me one question: Do you think I'm a good teacher?
Elliot: To some people.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Why don't we go ahead and take a look at my personal life? I am in love with a woman that I hate, my two-year-old son calls me "Pewwy," and - this is something that I've never actually shared with anybody before, but - on Saturday nights, I like to throw on a nice dress, go out to dive bars, and insist that everybody call me Mrs. Haberdasher!
Elliot: [laughs, then thinks] No, you don't.
Dr. Cox: Well, even if I did, it wouldn't really matter since that has nothing to do with how good of a teacher I am. Stick with me here, Barbie. The point is that if you finally found somebody who makes you believe in yourself as much as you did yesterday, well, I would think twice before I wrote that person off.

J.D.: Okay, everybody, gather around please?
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I need to talk to you?
J.D.: I'm a little busy right now, Perry!
Dr. Cox: Oh. My fault, I'll come back later.
J.D.: Oh, and another thing, From now on, I'd prefer it if you'd address me as "Dr. Dorian."
Dr. Cox: [sotto] Are you really doing this?
J.D.: [sotto] You bet your ass I am. And from now on, if you have a problem with me, you come see me in private, not in front of my boys! My boys got enough to worry about!
Dr. Cox: [sotto] Wrap it up, there, bingo.
J.D.: I simply will not tolerate it, Perry! And neither will my boys!
Dr. Cox: [sotto] The next minute you find yourself alone, I'm gonna kill ya.
J.D.: [sotto] It was worth it.

Dr. Cox: Tell you what, there, Gidget, if you promise to leave right now, I won't yell at you in front of your peons anymore.
J.D.: You ruined my credibility! Now look me in the eyes and tell me that's not messed up!
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Later on today when you are with your residents, I'll come up for something, you'll tell me you're too busy in a manly way, and I will contritely turn around and walk out of the room with my tail between my legs. Problem solved.
J.D.: Can you pull off contrite?
Dr. Cox: Can you pull off manly way?
J.D.: Should have seen that coming.

Dr. Cox: Gloria, you're supposed to start at 7 o'clock and it's now 7. 03.
J.D.: I'm sorry I was late but I was singing and I fell. And I know I've used the falling excuse before but it's happened again

---

"Scrubs: My Jiggly Ball (#5.4)" (2006)

Dr. Bob Kelso: This Friday, I am receiving an award from the A.M.A...
Dr. Perry Cox: Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year! Uh, don't you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I'd Pay Someone To Kill Ya and Stuff Ya and Leave you by my Bed, So That When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face... of the Year.

Dr. Perry Cox: Look, if you get up there and start kissing Kelso's ass, all your fellow attendings will forever think of you as a brown-nosing toady. On the other hand, if you don't pucker up, Kelso will make your life a living hell. You're officially trapped.
J.D.: I'll just say something nice about him that's actually true.
Dr. Perry Cox: You go do that. And I'll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally, and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible. Mm'kay?

Dr. Perry Cox: Mr. Morrison, I understand that one of our interns spent an hour in here telling you over and over that you are going to die. I would make him apologize personally, but I'm having him spend the rest of the day checking that countertop's heartbeat.
Keith: [Standing and waving] Sorry, Mr. Morrison!
Dr. Perry Cox: KEITH! I think Mr. Countertop would really appreciate your undivided attention.

J.D.: Can you believe Elliot's working in a free clinic?
Dr. Perry Cox: Who?
J.D.: Dr. Reid?
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm sorry, that's just not ringing a bell.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: She and J.D. used to sleep together.
Dr. Perry Cox: J.D.?
J.D.: That's not even funny!
Dr. Perry Cox: Priscilla, I honestly, on my mother's grave, thought your real name was Carol.

J.D.: Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Bob Kelso is a...
Dr. Bob Kelso: [Rises and takes the mic] Thank you, Dr. Dorian!
[the audience claps]
Dr. Bob Kelso: Thank you so much for this award. Delighted to see you all...
Dr. Perry Cox: Did I say he wanted a long introduction? Because Kelso just, he just likes when people say his name. Hope you didn't obsess too much about that, Newbie.

---

"Scrubs: My Malpractical Decision (#4.9)" (2004)

Dr. Perry Cox: Oh my God! I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time. I'm gavomiting!

Dr. Perry Cox: Can I ask you a personal question? Just how long has it been since you swept the stuffed animals off your bed, thrown your ankles up in the air, and thanked whatever god you pray to that you didn't have on your granny panties?

Dr. Perry Cox: Okay, missy. Knowing damn well that you'll sue if the slightest thing should go wrong with this elective procedure, we're gonna go ahead and elect not to do it.
Neena Broderick: You can't do that.
Dr. Perry Cox: Really? Bob?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Hospitals can refuse treatment on a non-emergency patient. Here's a list of places we can refer you to. Thanks for playing.

Neena Broderick: Thank you. And I hope I didn't ruffle your feathers too much while I was here.
Dr. Perry Cox: Sweetheart, I find it amusing that you think you're so much as a blip on my radar. Better go ahead and jot this down in your little lawyer notebook: Nothing you could do could ever, hee-hever get to me.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Listen, I know you hate everything about Miss Broderick, but her father is in need of medical care, and it's our medical obligation to treat him whether his daughter is a murderer, a drug addict, or a terrorist.
Dr. Perry Cox: I know, but a lawyer?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Even a lawyer.

---

"Scrubs: My Day at the Races (#5.3)" (2006)

Turk: My appendectomy patient wants me to use hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
Dr. Cox: Look, and I'd like to throw in Gwen Stefani tonight instead of Jordan, but that ain't gonna happen either.
Carla: Dr Cox!
Turk: Dr Cox! No! Awful!

Dr. Cox: Jordan, here's the plan: I'm gonna go ahead and and cram an entire evening's worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one - I've worked with her before - she has no off button.
Carla: [to Elliot] If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?
Jordan: Who's Jake?
Dr. Cox: Jordan!... No!
Elliot: He's this guy that I've been going out with for a while, but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off, you know?
Jordan: [Pointing at Cox behind her hand] Uh, sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?
Dr. Cox: Jordan Godzilla Sullivan! You stop that, and you stop it now!
Jordan: Why don't you try talking to humans for once? You might enjoy it!
Carla: Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up? You know like Turk can be a little... immature - you know, like I always have to talk about my feelings over dinner or shut off his iPod during sex. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.
Dr. Cox: Or... maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on fifty pounds, start collecting knick-knacks and meet your future now. You know... before the loneliness burns too much?
[Hopping in his seat]
Dr. Cox: Wooooo-ohhhhh!
[Laughing]
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I did enjoy that!

Turk: Why are all these cameras here?
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, this is quite the event here at Sacred Fart.
[Laughs heartily]
Dr. Kelso: I can't help it, it kills me! Yeah, we got visiting doctors, video crews, even that Japanese newsanchor who slept with me when I convinced her I was an oil tycoon.
[Turk looks over at the young Asian woman]
Dr. Kelso: If she comes over here, my name is T-Bone!
Dr. Cox: We're also getting a good bit of interest from the seismologists at CalTech, who I understand will be able to chart the magnitude of the scream emanating from your hypnosis patient, as well as, of course, the numerous afterscreams that are sure to follow.
Turk: No interviews!

Turk: What the hell was I thinking?
Carla: No, you did great, baby.
Dr. Kelso: She's right, Turkleton. Hell, without anesthesia, you made it halfway through a surgery. I bet you could publish that.
Dr. Cox: Maybe they'll put it in Almost Magazine.
Dr. Kelso: You know, Perry, it wouldn't hurt you to make some noise around here.
Dr. Cox: How's this? Blow it out your ass, Bob.

---

"Scrubs: My Missed Perception (#5.6)" (2006)

Dr. Perry Cox: I'm gonna let Big Bob here give the first excuse.
Dr. Kelso: Blah, blah, blah, I'm not doing it.

Dr. Perry Cox: Hand over your stethoscope.
J.D.: What?
Dr. Perry Cox: In victory, I get your stethoscope. It's a trophy. You're lucky we're not back in olden times, I would have made a necklace out of your teeth.
J.D.: I find this highly unproffesional.
[J.D. gives Dr Cox his stethoscope]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now I'm going to check on Mr Jenkins, your war hero. I feel he too deserves a competent doctor. In fact, I'm gonna take all of your patients. And consequently your only reason to get out of that lasie over pillowed 4 poster virgin cocoon you call a bed every morning.

Mr. Bursick: Which people do I hate again?
J.D.: Immigrants, Mister Bursick. You hate all immigrants.
Mr. Bursick: And why do I hate...
J.D.: I don't have time, Mister Bursick. Guys, if I give you a patient I expect you to work your butt off for him. And P.S., Mr Jenkins is a Vietnam Vet, so let's take care of him like he took care of our nation. Get out of here! That's how you light a fire under their butt Perry, you let them go with some inspiration...
Dr. Perry Cox: Too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, to much talking, too much talking. Why did you order a BNP test on my patient Mrs Wilk last night?
J.D.: Because she's my patient.
Dr. Perry Cox: Interesting, since i admitted her.
J.D.: And I treated her last night.
Mr. Bursick: Dr Dorian, why do I hate all immigrants?
J.D.: Because they're stealing all of our jobs, Mr Bursick... stealing aaall of our jobs. Perry, we spend an equal lot of time of Mrs Wilk. Now seing that we're both attendings, why don't we let her decide who her doctor is?
Dr. Perry Cox: Ooor we could skip the day trip to unessesary land and instead simply conceed that Mrs Wilk is my patient. And while we are both attendings, we are in no way equals - we are in fact not equal. We are UN-equals.

J.D.: This morning you told me you had a great life.
Mrs. Wilk: Exactly, and I'd like to continue it.
J.D.: Oh, this is a misunderstanding. I'm so sorry.
[to Cox]
J.D.: Tell her it's a misunderstanding.
Dr. Perry Cox: He's tried to kill before.

---

"Scrubs: Her Story II (#5.10)" (2006)

Julie Quinn: Did you know, J.D's parents thought he was gonna be a girl. They didn't have a name ready when he was born, so until he was 3 years old they called him Joana
Dr. Cox: I don't know who you are, but thank you for this

Dr. Cox: Heeello! What we have here is a visual representation of how alcohol affects people of different ages. We have the young:
Julie Quinn: Morning
Dr. Cox: The slightly older:
Elliot: Please stop talking!
Dr. Cox: The slightly older still again:
Carla: [gibberish]
Dr. Cox: And at last the very, very, very, very old; she is the unconscious and virtually unwakable. Witness...

Dr. Cox: Joana, now i'm not much for this sensitive crap but darn now you finally found someone who is willing to let you annoy them instead of me.

Dr. Cox: ...there is not such thing as a perfect person...

---

"Scrubs: My Big Bird (#5.8)" (2006)

Dr. Cox: And the category is... DING! "Things that have a better chance of happening than YOU winning the lottery." Tedscape, throw ten seconds on the clock, would you please? And GO! Brain transplants, Britney Spears having another hit record, the Rolling Stones going on a farewell tour and actually meaning it, me caring about just ANYTHING that happens on Wysteria Lane, Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar, Jessica Alba winning an Oscar, Jessica Simpson becoming Jessica Alba Simpson...

Dr. Bob Kelso: Who the hell ate my scone?
Dr. Cox: That would be me, Bobbo, and it was delicious - my compliments to the lady.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I made those!
Dr. Cox: I know!

Dr. Bob Kelso: I've heard enough. Let's call it and go to lunch.
Dr. Cox: Just hold on! That is NOT the way it works, Bobbo. This is important, dammit. You sit back down and get on with it.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Perry, I'm in charge.

Dr. Cox: Wait, wait, let me get on in this! Let's also have a toast to Mr Forster's widow and his fatherless kids.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox, it wasn't our fault.
Dr. Cox: Because you are lucky! You know as well as I do, it could have been any one of your faults. Congrats again! Have a well party!

---

"Scrubs: His Story III (#5.19)" (2006)

Dr. Cox: You're black? 'Cause last I checked you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy and these are all characteristics of white guys. Please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP. If you're don't know what that stands for, it's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the 'colored people' to 'African Americans' but then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP it'd be the N quad A or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression but actually brings me back to my original point... Do I think you're black? Naaaaaaaaa!

[JD is making a video project to send to his mother]
J.D.: Dr. Cox, do you have anything you'd like to say to my mom?
Dr. Cox: No, but I have something I'd like to say to her uterus, because it brought you into this world.
[Smacks camera and shakes finger]
Dr. Cox: Bad uterus! Don't do that anymore!

Nurse Laverne Roberts: Dr. Turk is not aware that Lonnie was all-conference at Villanova.
Dr. Cox: Laverne, would you go ahead and thank what's-his-name for me.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Jesus?
Dr. Cox: That's him.

Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox and JD examine a patient with locked-in syndrome, who communicates via computer] Go ahead and check Mr. McNair's blood pressure, please, Eva.
Mr. McNair: I don't get it - Why does he call you a girl's name?
J.D.: Thank you for asking, Mr. McNair. You see, the thing about Dr. Cox is that, the closer he feels to a person, the more he needs to push them away. So when he calls me Eva, he's actually saying, "JD, I care about you!" Vulnerable people like Dr. Cox...
Mr. McNair: Oh my god! I get it now, Carol. Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol...
J.D.: Now you're being a jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
Dr. Cox: Newbie! I'm relatively certain that the computer is broken.
J.D.: Oh, my bad.

---

"Scrubs: My Own Worst Enemy (#7.1)" (2007)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What is wrong with me?
Dr.Perry Cox: You're an annoying, whiny man-child.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That question wasn't directed at you!
Dr.Perry Cox: What question?

Dr.Perry Cox: [seeing Beardfacé in the room] Beardface! What do you say?
Dr. Beardface: [angry] It's Beardfacé! Why do you people insist on calling me "Beardface"?
Joe Hutnik: [clears his throat] May I?
Dr.Perry Cox: Go for it.
Joe Hutnik: Well, I just got here, but if I had to guess, I would say it's because your face is, like, five-sixths beard.
Dr. Beardface: Damn you!
[storms off]

Dr.Perry Cox: Mr. Hutnik, I see here you are admitted for swollen lymph nodes and abdominal pain.
Joe Hutnik: I'm also having heart palpitations.
Dr.Perry Cox: Oh, I think I can help you with that one; you see, I am very, very handsome.
Joe Hutnik: I was gonna say.

Dr. Christopher Turk: [Dr. Beardfacé walks into the room] What it do, Beardface?
Dr. Beardface: [crossly] It's Beardfacé. Beard*facé*!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Calm down, Seymour.
Dr.Perry Cox: If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta shave the beard. 'Course, then you'd be Dr. Face.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Hah! Dr. Face.
Dr. Beardface: Damn you all!
[storms off]
Dr. Christopher Turk: I wonder what he's hiding under all that hair.

---

"Scrubs: My Brother, Where Art Thou? (#3.5)" (2003)

Dan: [as Dr. Cox leaves at the end of his shift, J.D.'s brother Dan is waiting for him outside the hospital entrance] Hey, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy.
Dan: You don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? I'm a screw-up. Always have been.
[laughs]
Dan: Ever since we were kids, my mom always made me walk Johnny to school first day every year, and every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school...
[laughs]
Dan: ...just 'cause.
Dr. Cox: Boy, that's a great story, really. And I'm sure you're just a horrible big brother...
Dan: [smiles in mock humility] Well...
Dr. Cox: ...but I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed. Turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his deathbed.
Dan: Hey, listen, Dr. Cox, no offense, I'm a big fan of the tough guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you LOVE the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we KNEW was going someplace. Sweet kid. Smart kid. Becoming a doctor? This is ALL he ever wanted, and yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turn him into some kind of cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny is never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So I'm askin' - I'm tellin' you: take that responsibility seriously, stop being such a hard-ass. Otherwise, you're gonna have to answer to me.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] Love can give you strength you never knew you had.
Dan: [holds out his hand to Cox] It's good seeing you, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: [takes Dan's hand and shakes it] Good to see you, Dan. All the best.
[walks away]

Dan: Yeah but these are living, breathing people here...
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, what is it you do again?
Dan: I'm a bartender.
Dr. Cox: Well, Dan, I'm gonna go ahead and worry about how we do things around here. But if I ever need to make a top notch rum and coke, well, by golly, mister, you better be right by the phone cause I might just give you a jingle.
[Dr. Cox begins to walk away]
Dr. Cox: [makes a ringing noise] Dan, Cox-a-roony, regarding the rum and coke issue... could not be more confused...

Dr. Cox: Newbie! Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [ashamed] Yes...
Dr. Cox: I've never felt closer to you.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Doctor Cox, Dan was wondering if he could trail with us today.
Dr. Cox: Good God in heaven, Newbie. There are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never. Not in a million years. Absolutely not. No way, Jose. No chance, Lance. Nyet. Negatori. Mm-mm. Nuh-uh. Uh-uh. And of course, my own personal favorite of all time, man falling off of a cliff. Noooooooooo!

---

"Scrubs: My Intern's Eyes (#5.1)" (2006)

Dr. Cox: Bob, I'm not planning on doing any paperwork. But i did go ahead and leave my urine sample on your drive side car door.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, your lips, my ass... they should meet.

J.D.: I don't need your approval or your stupid man cards. But the lettering is darling, have you ever done calligraphy?
Dr. Cox: [takes a man card for JD] Thank you!
J.D.: Dammit!

Dr. Kelso: Who the hell is responsible for not treating that man?
Dr. Cox: Well Bobbo, I was going to treat him but I lost my stethoscope ...
J.D.: He's my patient Bob!
[Kelso and Cox turn around]
J.D.: I'm responsible!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, I've kept my mouth shut about the recent sexual harrassment complaints because I don't think it's fair to punish a man for making small talk. Or say, asking his secretary for just once, to dress up as a geisha girl and call him "Kelso San"...
J.D.: What?
Dr. Kelso: Nothing! But now I need to know, is this the type of attending you're going to be?
J.D.: I guess so.

Dr. Kelso: Well at least there's one attending around I can count on.
Elliot: Oh the hell with it, Bob- I don't work here! Have a good one!
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.
Dr. Cox: It hates you, Bob!

---

"Scrubs: My Boss's Free Haircut (#4.20)" (2005)

Dr. Kelso: Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter cause I was a doctor. And I used that to sleep with all those mothers. That's what "house call" used to mean.
Dr. Cox: Those were the good old, incredibly disturbing, days, Bob.

Dr. Cox: I will tell you one thing, though. If you even want to have an outside chance of reaching someone nowadays... you damn sure better speak from your heart.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Perry.
Dr. Cox: Blow it out your ass, Bob.

Dr. Cox: You my friend look do damn leathery I am actually considering synching you up, wrap you around a baseball and stick you under the mattress so that you're good and broken in for the big game on Sunday, BUT, since I'm here to heal not judge, I'm gonna write you a couple of prescriptions. You'll find this first one is for an oversized mallet so you can pound some sense into yourself. This next one is for a big floppy hat that your now obligated to where every time you leave the house. Have a nice day, you look like a purse.

Dr. Kelso: I'm tired of patients complaining about being called dummos, tubbos, smokers and jamokers. Whatever the hell jamokers means.
Dr. Cox: I was actually saying 'jokers' and I had coffee cake in my mouth.

---

"Scrubs: My Screwup (#3.14)" (2004)

Dr. Perry Cox: So how come you're not all dressed up?
Ben Sullivan: I am dressed up, you see any holes in these pants? I'm glad you made it... listen, there's one more thing you have to do for me.
Dr. Perry Cox: You can't keep me from getting drunk!
Ben Sullivan: You have to forgive yourself for everything that went down the other day.
Dr. Perry Cox: God, you're... you're so annoying.
Ben Sullivan: Yeah.
Dr. Perry Cox: All right.
Ben Sullivan: Good.
Dr. Perry Cox: Where's your camera, aren't you gonna take some pictures?
J.D.: [enters] Pictures of what?
Dr. Perry Cox: You know, crying babies covered in chocolate, people singing Happy Birthday to my son who have never even met him before, the whole routine!
J.D.: Where do you think we are?
[Cox looks round. Ben has disappeared. The camera pans out and reveals they are in a graveyard, at Ben's funeral]

Dr. Cox: [to Ben] Where's your camera? Aren't you gonna to take any pictures?
J.D.: Pictures of what?
Dr. Cox: [Turns to J.D] Ya know, babies crying with cake all over their faces, people singing "Happy Birthday" to my son who they've never even met. The usual.
J.D.: Where do you think we are?
[Dr. Cox turns back and sees Ben isn't there]
J.D.: [Camera pans as they walk to reveal they are at a funeral. On the casket is a picture of Ben]

Jordan Sullivan: It's Jack's first birthday. I want it to be special. I got a petting zoo for the kids, and we need to figure out something great for the adults.
Dr. Perry Cox: How 'bout a russian roulette booth, and, here's the kicker. We put bullets in all the chambers. That way, everybody wins.

---

"Scrubs: My First Kill (#4.4)" (2004)

Dr. Perry Cox: Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. At some point during your residency you will screw up, they will die, and it will be burned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants, here -
Doug Murphy: Pee-pants...
Dr. Perry Cox: - he just might go ahead and get himself a good clean kill this morning, seeing as his patient, Mrs. Samson, is in DKA and he hasn't been tracking her phosphate level. Her phosphate level. Her phosphate level.
J.D.: Doug! Stop writing and go!
Dr. Perry Cox: That young man has killed so many patients, I'm starting to think he just might be a government operative. The point is, the harder you study, the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kill. Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy you murder is a jackass with no family. Great to see you kids. All the best!

Dr. Perry Cox: Come on. I know you're scared. A lot of times you feel like a little girl in a big gal's body. But here's the dirty little secret: Fear is good. It keeps you from becoming a crappy doctor. Trick is you just can't let it paralyze you. But don't you worry about a thing, there, Newbie. You're a sure thing to get a kill. In fact, should be any day now!

Dr. Perry Cox: No, Newbie, I have not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So, right about now, you gotta be asking yourself, do you think you're *that* good?

---

"Scrubs: My Nightingale (#2.2)" (2002)

Dr. Perry Cox: You see, for me sex is a sport. Like racquetball. You play hard for half an hour, work up a sweat, and hope you don't get hit in the eye.

Dr. Perry Cox: I've been thinking about that intro thing, and, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to politely tell you to blow it out your ass.

Dr. Perry Cox: Hey, Bob, as far as the whole intro thing goes, I've actually gone ahead and given it a great deal of thought, but I'm afraid I'm gonna very politely have to tell you to blow it out your ass.

---

"Scrubs: My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby (#6.2)" (2006)

Baby Jack: What's gin?
Dr. Cox: Gin is an alcoholic beverage, which, if your mommy's strong genes are any indication, you'll eventually learn to love as it slowly destroys a giant portion of your adult life.

Baby Jack: [seeing the video of Carla in labor] What's that?
Dr. Cox: That is the vagina of a 35 year old Latina woman.

Dr. Kelso: What the hell's with her?
Dr. Cox: She's mad, but she can't give me the "silent" treatment because she knows I actually love that, so she's giving me the "talk-until-I-want-to-commit-suicide" treatment.
Dr. Kelso: Sucks to be you.

---

"Scrubs: My Lunch (#5.20)" (2006)

Dr. Cox: [after Jill Tracey's death] The moment you start blaming yourself for peoples deaths, theres no coming back.

J.D.: Where are you going, your shift's not over. Hey! Remember what you told me? The second you start blaming yourself for people's deaths, there's no coming back.
Dr. Cox: Yeah. You're right.

AIDS Worker: Excuse me, could you spare a few minutes for AIDS research?
Dr. Cox: Yes, I can, but I'm not sure how much we'll get done. I'll tell you what, we'll go over there and brainstorm while we wolf down these sandwiches.

---

"Scrubs: My Déjà Vu, My Déjà Vu (#5.22)" (2006)

Dr. Perry Cox: How's about we act like adults here and lay our cards on the table. You know that you're not exactly my favorite person in this dump, and I say that knowing full well that you feel the same way about me.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I started an "I Hate Cox" chatroom. Hasn't really worked out the way I planned - it's me, two interns, and 14,000 lesbians.

Dr. Cox: I never went to Acapulco, Mrs. Goldstein. I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that my victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance. Then, I realized that that tactic would never work, as I'd be sent straight to hell, which I imagine is actually a lot like Acapulco only there would be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach.

Dr. Cox: Barbie, why did you order this test? For the love of god, are you a real doctor or a doctor like doctor pepper is a doctor?

---

"Scrubs: My Musical (#6.6)" (2007)

Patti: [singing] What's going to happen? / What does the future hold? / So many things that I've put off / Assuming I'd have time / Assuming I'd grow old. / What's going to happen? / And will I be alive tomorrow? / What's going to happen... / To me?
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] You're going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, The Janitor, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Doug Murphy, Ted Buckland: That's what's going to happen. / Everything's okay. / We're right here beside you / We won't let you slip away. / Plan for tomorrow / 'Cause we swear to you, / You're going to be okay.
Patti: I'm going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's what's going to happen.
Patti: Everything's okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso: Everything's okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Bob Kelso: We would never leave you.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: Right here we will stay. / Plan for tomorrow, / 'Cause we swear to you / You're going to be okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [last sung line of the episode] We hope.
Dr. Perry Cox: Shhhhhh.

Dr. Cox: It's your hair, your nose, your chinless face. You always need a hug. Not to mention all the manly Appletinies that you chug. That you think I am your mentor, just continues to perplex. And oh my God stop telling me when you have nerdy sex!
J.D.: And by the way, the last time Kim was in town we took some Appeltinies and poored 'em on our good parts!
Dr. Cox: See now newbie that's the thing you do that drives me up a tree. 'Cause no matter how I rant at you, you never let me be. So I'm stuck with all your day dreaming, your wish to be my son. It makes me sucidial! And I'm not the only one. No I'm not the only one.
[lights go out, a spotlight falls on the Janitor]

Patti: [singing] Dr. Cox, I'm not crazy!
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] Am I still singing?
Patti: [singing] Singing like a bird.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] Dr. Cox, huge news! I pulled some strings and got the parking spot right behind yours! Bumper Buddies!

---

"Scrubs: My Fifteen Seconds (#3.7)" (2003)

Dr. Cox: [the interns are watching Dr Phil on TV; Dr. Cox walks in and shuts it off, causing all the interns to moan] Fine! I'll go and tell you how it ends. Dr. Phil says
[in a Southern accent]
Dr. Cox: "And how is that working out... for you?" And then the fat lady cries, "WAH!"

Dr. Cox: Tammy, as far as your love life goes, normally I couldn't care less who's laying your quivering body down by the fire while your lips whisper "No, no... no" but your eyes scream, "Yes. Yes. Oh, BIG DADDY, YES!" But when you're dating Jordan's sissy-poo, it forces me to spend time with you outside of the hospital, and I just won't have that. So, hhhere's the deal: Don't want to have dinner with you. Don't want to go bowling with you. And I never, ever again want to walk into my kitchen and hear you say,
[singing]
Dr. Cox: "Ohh, it's waffle time! It's waffle time! Won't you have some waffles of mine?"

Dr. Cox: Look, Tammy, as far as your love life goes, normally I couldn't care less who's laying your quivering body down by the fire while your lips whisper "No, no... no" but your eyes scream, "Yes. Yes. Oh, big daddy, yes!" But when you're dating Jordan's sissy-poo, it forces me to spend time with you outside of the hospital, and I just won't have that. So, shhhere's the deal: Don't want to have dinner with you. Don't want to go bowling with you. And I never, ever again want to walk into my kitchen and hear you say,
[singing]
Dr. Cox: "Ohh, it's waffle time! It's waffle time! Won't you have some waffles of mine?"
J.D.: [joining in] "... waffles of mine...”
Dr. Cox: Bottom line. We'll be bestest friends foreverest if you just keep your face out of my face. Uh-huh.

---

"Scrubs: My Mirror Image (#6.1)" (2006)

Carla: You know, maybe Jordan's right, maybe it's time you start dealing with your anger issues.
Dr. Cox: Carla, for something to be an issue, it needs to cause a problem. I mean, honestly, aside from having to, by-law, remain thirty feet away from a certain telemarketer who I visited while he was eating his dinner, I don't see the downside.

J.D.: My life is over.
Dr. Cox: Oh come on, you gotta focus on the positives. For instance, the medical miracle that is one woman actually impregnating another woman.
[claps his hands together]
Dr. Cox: Sha-daisy!
[J.D. walks away]
Turk: Coincidentally, I have a cousin named Shedaisy.
Dr. Cox: WHAT?

Jordan Sullivan: [handing him a fork] Welcome home, Perry. Here's the new program: You occasionally lift a finger helping with Jack, and I'm gonna try to keep from hating the unborn baby in my belly that's made my ass so big, I can't fit the whole thing on a toilet when I pee eight hundred times a day! I can't.
Dr. Cox: You love spaghetti. You had some just last night, didn't ya?
Baby Jack: No, I didn't.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, the boy is lying to me.
Jordan Sullivan: Oh, Perry, nobody likes a tattle-tail!

---

"Scrubs: My Dirty Secret (#3.9)" (2003)

Mr. Randolph: Do you know what channel that Queer Guy show is on?
[inferring that J.D. is gay. J.D. just stares at him]
Dr. Cox: Go ahead, you can tell him.
J.D.: Bravo, Tuesdays at 10, 9 central, 8 Mountain.
[Mr. Randolph nods as if to say 'thought so']

J.D.: You don't want to end up like the Randolphs back there, just not saying a word to each other, do you? .......You wish WE were more like the Randolphs, don't you?
Dr. Cox: [looking up & smiling blissfully] God save me, I do. I reeeeally do!

---

"Scrubs: My Perspective (#6.9)" (2007)

Dr. Elliot Reid: He took care of you when you were wallowing on your couch drinking scotch like it was vodka.
Dr. Perry Cox: I accidentally killed three people. He got arrested for pushing a scooter and he passes out when he poos.

Dr. Cox: Newbie's test results came back. He's got Vasalvago Syncope.
Carla: And that makes you happy?
Dr. Cox: If he's vigorously valsalvic he can activate his reflex and actually lose consciousness. Carla, he'll pass out when he poops!

---

"Scrubs: My Buddy's Booty (#5.11)" (2006)

Dr. Perry Cox: You know what else I hate about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet store.
The Janitor: Actually, that's my fault. I filled his hair spray bottle with dog sweat.
Dr. Perry Cox: Dogs don't sweat.
The Janitor: They don't? Then what the hell am I putting in there?

Jordan: Ohh sweetie. Do you want me to call his Mommy and tell him he's being mean to you? Oh my fwiend is being mean to me waa waa waa!
Dr. Cox: nng hmm uh.

---

"Scrubs: My Conventional Wisdom (#6.20)" (2007)

Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm notifying all my old boyfriends that I am officially off the market.
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm sure the pulse setting on your shower head will be devastated.

Dr. Perry Cox: July 21st? Ooh, I'm afraid I won't be able to make it?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Why not?
Dr. Perry Cox: Because I wouldn't go to your wedding if it was held in my own backyard.

---

"Scrubs: My Monster (#2.10)" (2002)

J.D.: Morning, Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: He he, Denise, I know it's morning, if it was still last night I’d still be with my extremely pregnant ex wife trying to calm her down with a chair and a whip because I somehow managed to forget to bring home *the curly fries*. Do ya see where I'm going here? Yes? no? Maybe so?
[whistles]

J.D.: You know Perry...
Dr. Cox: Perry?
J.D.: Yeah, I'm tryin' it out. I find that with the ladies, if you're clear with you're intentions right off the bat, they just fall into place. AQ?
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: AQ is sort of a new hit expression meaning “any questions”?
Dr. Cox: Look, don't think I'm impressed because you managed to score a sympathy date with whatever homely-looking girl is managing the gift shop right now.
Lisa: [comes from behind and Dr. Cox is left speechless on seeing her] JD, you ready to go?
J.D.: Oh, yeah, the word you're looking for is 'wow' and the words I'm looking for are in your face.
[while leaving]
J.D.: PO, peace out.

---

"Scrubs: My Common Enemy (#4.7)" (2004)

Dr. Perry Cox: Boy oh boy! Looks like you pissed off the wrong guy there, crunchy. Trust me. He'll make you pay.
Dr. Molly Clock: Oh, Dr. Kelso's all bust. I bet underneath it all he's a sweetheart.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh no, underneath it all he is pure evil.
Dr. Molly Clock: Perry, no one's pure evil, I mean yeah some people have a hard outer shell, but inside everybody has a creamy center.
Dr. Perry Cox: There are, plenty of people here, on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside!
Dr. Molly Clock: So they have more of a nougaty center?
Dr. Perry Cox: Lady. People aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard coated bastards with bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.
Dr. Molly Clock: I'm touching your creamy center!
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh I am so very angry that I'm going to find someone to kill just to prove her wrong.

Dr. Perry Cox: Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down, are filled with kindness and caring!
Dr. Kelso: Well that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.
Dr. Perry Cox: Exactly!

---

"Scrubs: My Tormented Mentor (#3.15)" (2004)

Dr. Perry Cox: Judy...! Ohhhh, you come here, Judy!

Dr. Cox: Let me go ahead and tee this up for you, there, Annika: We are all going to die someday. For the lucky few of us it'll be nice and fast. But for most of us it'll be just as long and slow and painful as a conversation with you.

---

"Scrubs: My Friend the Doctor (#3.8)" (2003)

Dr. Cox: Carla, I have a six-month-old child. I'm going to be one of those weird old guys who brings my son down to the park where everybody is like, "Hmm, is he the dad, is he the granddad, is he the granddad's granddad...? And oh my God, why is he pushing a traffic cone on the swing while his five-year-old little boy is in the mud, crying? Is... is he taunting the little boy? No, he can't even see the little boy. And now look - he's actually taking the traffic cone, putting it in the minivan, and driving away while the little boy cries, and the traffic cone sits quietly and watches Finding Nemo on DVD."

Dr. Cox: Now, just because Jordan thinks it's cute that you're violating her little sister, doesn't mean you can use my guestroom for your nerdy G-rated sexcapades.

---

"Scrubs: My Five Stages (#5.13)" (2006)

Dr. Hendrick: Clearly I'm pushing some buttons here.
Dr. Cox: You couldn't push my buttons if you tried. In fact, I have no buttons. Please think of me as button-less, all smooth like G.I Joe's nether-regions. And, by the by, this image is brought to you by my son Jack, who has been yanking the pants off of his toy soldiers and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand. It is... just disturbing enough so that, leaving the house, I'm cranky and less able to suffer fools which brings me back to you - THE FOOL. I'm done suffering you so go now. Go... go before you can write a book entitled "Help! A Large Doctor is Beating My Ass COLON: The Lester Hedrick Story".
Dr. Hendrick: Hm... that was a mouthful. Anyway, if you need to talk, just give me a call.
[walks away]
Dr. Cox: [to J.D] He seems strangely impervious to my threats. That annoys me.

Dr. Cox: So go now, go, before you can title a book 'Help, a large doctor is beating my ass: the Lester Hedrik story'

---

"Scrubs: My Extra Mile (#5.15)" (2006)

Patient: Yeah, I'm auditioning for my church's senior citizen production of Street Car Named Desire. Would you mind running lines with me?
[hands Dr. Cox a script]
Dr. Perry Cox: [taking the script and reading it] Yeah, I'd be happy to.
Patient: [reading from the script, speaking with heavy country accent] If I didn't know you was my wife's sister, I'd get ideas about you.
Dr. Perry Cox: [over acting using hand gestures] I can't believe you think - I would do this with you - Seriously, I'm a doctor.
Patient: [looking confused at Dr. Cox] What page are you on?

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Sometimes you've got to go the extra mile with patients. That's what makes me such a special doctor.
Dr. Perry Cox: That and your amazing ability to switch back and forth, seamlessly, between male and female genitalia.

---

"Scrubs: My Life in Four Cameras (#4.17)" (2005)

Carla: Well?
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, would you please repeat the question?
Carla: Are you just gonna roll over like that?
Jordan: That's weird, I asked him the same thing last night.
Carla: Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate?
Jordan: Again, last night!
Carla: You've gone soft.
Jordan: [gasps] Okay, now it's getting spooky.
Carla: Look, you're the only one who can stand up to Kelso.
Dr. Cox: Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present Man Not Caring.
Carla: Okay, Jordan, little help.
Jordan: If you don't do what she wants, I'm going to stop having sex with you and start making love... to you.
Dr. Cox: Where is that bastard? KELSO!

Dr. Cox: I wanted to tell you that you're doing a great job. Boy, that meatloaf today, it was virtually hairless.

---

"Scrubs: My Heavy Meddle (#1.16)" (2002)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I get it, it's because I'm a girl.
Dr. Perry Cox: Franklyn, you heard it, say it.
Franklyn: He's a girl.
Dr. Perry Cox: Good boy.

Dr. Perry Cox: [to JD] You have three seconds to get out of here before I grab you by your ankles and redecorate Franklyn's office.
Franklyn: Please go.

---

"Scrubs: My Rule of Thumb (#3.10)" (2004)

Jordan: Have a great day today. Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share!
Dr. Cox: [smiling and waving] You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me!

Dr. Bob Kelso: See, this is why you shouldn't get emotionally invested in your patients.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Bobbo, now when the Dark Prince does finally call you home, please promise me that you'll donate your body to science. And I don't mean medical science, I mean NASA. Because when those buzz-cuts have all but given up on trying to figure out just exactly what a black hole is, and they get one look at that space where your heart was supposed to be, well by-gum, you know they're just gonna say - Aww, shucks! That's what it is!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Hey, champ! What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?
[holds up thumbs, pointing in at himself]
Dr. Bob Kelso: Bob Kelso! How ya doin'

---

"Scrubs: My ABC's (#8.5)" (2009)

Dr. Perry Cox: Since you're not that intelligent, I'm going to speak like a caveman from now on. You bad doctors. Me good doctor. You follow.

Dr. Perry Cox: Why do I hate that intern?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Because he called you Dr. C?
Dr. Perry Cox: Actually, I find that endearing.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Did he say "back in the day"?
Dr. Perry Cox: No.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Did he say "back in the hizzay"?
Dr. Perry Cox: No.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Does he like Hugh Jackman?
Dr. Perry Cox: You suck at this.

---

"Scrubs: My Catalyst (#3.12)" (2004)

J.D.: None of us slept last night. How I know that is irrelevant. What does matter is I think we formed a special bond because of it.
Dr. Cox: [Turk looks at Dr. Cox] Stop looking at me, or die!

J.D.: I just want you to check out Mrs. Barlow's chart; I'm always second-guessing myself when it comes to interstitial lung diseases.
Dr. Cox: Oh, then you should definitely handle this yourself, there, Britney. I'm going with female pop stars today. The point is that back when I was a resident, I had all sorts of trouble with metabolic diseases. You know what I did? I grabbed every case I could get my hands on until I had it down pat.
J.D.: Got it... You really had trouble with metabolic diseases?
Dr. Cox: Noo... I'm a good doctor.

---

"Scrubs: My Fallen Idol (#5.21)" (2006)

Dr. Perry Cox: [drunk] Newbie, would you give me some trouble? I'm having a little help here.

J.D.: Anyway, I tried to convince myself that the reason I didn't come earlier was you coming into work drunk. But that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, ya know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients. But because after 20 years of being a doctor, when things go badly, you still take it this hard. And I gotta tell ya man, I mean, that's the kind of doctor I want to be.
J.D.: [interior monologue] Maybe he just needed time to heal, or maybe he just needed to see how much everybody cared. But I like to believe it was because of me that he was finally able to say this.
[Takes a drink of scotch]
Dr. Cox: You don't drink scotch.
J.D.: [spits it back out] Ohhhhhh, that's awful.

---

"Scrubs: My Big Move (#4.22)" (2005)

Dr. Elliot Reid: She's a teenage girl, that's an awkward time. You know, your breasts are growing... not always symmetrically. You like boys. Maybe one gives you a ride home, you think something's gonna happen but it doesn't and that just makes it official that you're a lop-sided freak! Happy ending though; lefty caught up in college.
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie! I have a finite amount of brain space and your inspiring story of the little breast who couldn't just pushed out my memory of the 1980 Olympic Hockey team's victory at Lake Placid. Miracle on Ice -
[whistles]
Dr. Perry Cox: gone!

Dr. Perry Cox: [to Dr. Elliot Reid] Barbie! Feel free to kiss my ring.

---

"Scrubs: My Dream Job (#2.22)" (2003)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Dr. Cox...
Dr. Perry Cox: Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'see ya' then the third word will be 'oh my god, my crotch, you've punched me in the crotch."
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: See ya.

Spence: [to Dr. Cox] Hey, congratulations.
Dr. Perry Cox: For what, jackass?
Spence: You just had a baby.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, no, no, she
[Jordan]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: just had a baby.
Spence: Yeah, but you said it was his. You said something else, too.
Dr. Christopher Turk: That he didn't know it yet.
Spence: That's exactly right!

---

"Scrubs: My Fifteen Minutes (#1.8)" (2001)

J.D.: [after finding Dr.Cox laying on a couch] Dr. Cox, have you been here the whole time?
Dr. Cox: [sarcastic] No, I came in through the couch door...

---

"Scrubs: My Cabbage (#5.12)" (2006)

Dr. Kelso: [talking to the janitor] Do you know the number one cause of death in the hospital?
Dr. Cox: [walking by] Your breath?
Dr. Kelso: Infection. And do you know how quickly infection spreads in a hospital?
Dr. Cox: [walking by again] Your breath?
Dr. Kelso: That doesn't make sense.
Dr. Cox: [backsteps] Eh... Don't care.

---

"Scrubs: My Butterfly (#3.16)" (2004)

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [whistles] Here's the deal, Eleonore. We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. So while drop an NG2 and do a gastric lavage, why don't you go ahead and get an order order on EKG with cardio-bio-markers? If you need to know where those are, they are on page 37 of the Ann Teller catalogue, right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you wanted for so long but haven't had the courage to order, because you worried the weave is so thin, your nipples just might go ahead and peak their pink selves through! Isn't that right, Dr. Cox? Dr. Cooox!
Dr. Perry Cox: [mimicking the J.D. daydream stare] Uhm, I'm sorry. Here I was in my own little world, talking to myself, dreaming about candy bracelets.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I don't like candy bracelets.
[in his head]
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I love 'em!

---

"Scrubs: My Brother, My Keeper (#2.14)" (2003)

Jordan Sullivan: [Jordan is pregnant] It's kicking me.
Dr. Perry Cox: Who can blame it?

---

"Scrubs: My Roommates (#4.18)" (2005)

Dr. Elliot Reid: I cannot believe what I just heard!
Dr. Perry Cox: The tick-tocking of your biological clock leading you to the corner of Celibate and Spinster way?

---

"Scrubs: My Chopped Liver (#5.17)" (2006)

Leslie: When do you turn nice? This is getting kind of old.
Dr. Perry Cox: Never, Leslie.
Leslie: He knows my name!
Dr. Perry Cox: I was just calling you by a random girl's name. Listen please, I don't care about any of your problems. I have no answers for any of you.
Gloria: But my boyfriend's bi-curious, and he wants me to pick his lovers.
Dr. Perry Cox: I may have answer for that: eww!

---

"Scrubs: My New Suit (#5.18)" (2006)

Dr. Cox: You know, Bobbo, I find you less repungent of late. Dare I say I'm developing a begrudging indifference to you.
Dr. Kelso: You're so edgy and cantankerous. You're like House without the limp.

---

"Scrubs: My New Coat (#2.5)" (2002)

Dr. Perry Cox: [Dr. Cox is taking a patient to a clinical trial she had been denied entry to] Hey! Anybody from that clinical trial around?
[whistles loudly and shotuing]
Dr. Perry Cox: Hello! Hello! Yeah, this lady's supposed to be in this trial.
Orderly: OK.
[wheels her away]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What the hell did you just do?
Dr. Perry Cox: When you speak of this, and I know you will, could I be shirtless? See, I think it would be much more impressive if I was shirtless.

---

"Scrubs: My Long Goodbye (#6.15)" (2007)

Dr. Elliot Reid: Somebody just had a baby...
Dr. Perry Cox: How do you know?
Dr. Elliot Reid: My uterus is glowing.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: My mom had a uterus... I lived in it..

---

"Scrubs: His Story (#2.15)" (2003)

Dr. Perry Cox: Kelso asked me to give him a physical. I did it and he said "thank you" and told me he owed me one.
Dr. Gross: You actually made a decision that benefited you personally and professionally?
Dr. Perry Cox: Well, a resident kind of talked me into it.
Dr. Gross: Come on, you're telling me that you actually took the advice of another human being?
Dr. Gross: [Cox nods] This is a great moment for me.
Dr. Perry Cox: Congratulations.
Dr. Gross: Thank you. And Perry, if there's someone in your life at that hell hole of a hospital who you actually listen to, you should do everything in your power to keep them around, because that person is nothing short of a genius.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [cuts to J.D. in elevator]
[sings]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting!

---

"Scrubs: My Philosophy (#2.13)" (2003)

Elaine: [discussing death with J.D.] I really hope it's like a big Broadway musical... Everyone's all dressed up and singing to the rafters, and you go out with a real flourish.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I think it's like a game of dodgeball. There's a lot of chaos and screaming and... you know, eventually you get your glasses snapped by the big kid who already has under-arm hair.... But then you wake up in the hot nurse's office, and when she leans in to put that bandage on your nose you get the sense that something could happen if you just took a chance and buried your face in her knockers....
Dr. Perry Cox: [shaking his head] Holy cow! I'm so sorry... For my part, I think death is a lot like that story, quite frankly. But, if there is a God, it'll be a lot quicker and half as painful.

---

"Scrubs: My Journey (#3.2)" (2003)

Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively TO clowns.

---

"Scrubs: My Fishbowl (#6.12)" (2007)

Dr. Perry Cox: [Carla tells bad joke] You would hear crickets chirping, but they were too uncomfortable at just how unfunny that actually was.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: So what, I'm not funny?
Dr. Perry Cox: Why I think you're very funny... WHEN you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse. You know, as long as you stay right in you wheel house.
[Dr. Cox begins walking through the room]
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck; your husband does it when he's sarcastic.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ya know, I do what I do when I do what I do.
Dr. Perry Cox: The Janitor is amusing because quite frankly he's insane
The Janitor: [walks by with tiny boots that look like they are for a baby on his hands] I made shoes for my bunny.
Dr. Perry Cox: [walks over the J.D] And Alice here, well she can turn a phrase. and I'm assuming because I called you Alice you're thinking of me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
[Dr. Cox appears as Alice from the Brady Bunch then looks at J.D]
Dr. Perry Cox: Aren't ya?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: He was.
Dr. Perry Cox: Now some people just have funny names, for instance, Dr. Beardface, Dr. McHead, Colonel Doctor, and of course Snoop Dogg intern.
Snoop Dogg Intern: [grabs his white coat] Hey, Hey.
Dr. Perry Cox: My bad, Snoop Dogg resident. The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God, which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the Hospital Sad sack.
Ted Buckland: I am?
Dr. Perry Cox: Yes Ted.
Ted Buckland: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Dr. Perry Cox: And me I'm just funny because I commit C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T...
[makes the notion of sipping tea]
Dr. Perry Cox: -TEA. And I also do silly rants. But there is just one man who is funny, no matter what he says.
Dr. Bob Kelso: [Kelso enters] Are my undergarments made of wool because my WEASLES getting heat stroke?
Dr. Perry Cox: The point is please don't tell anymore jokes.
Ted Buckland: I'm not a sadsack am I?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ted, your pen exploded!
Ted Buckland: [looks at his shirt with a large blue stain on it] Awwwwww
[looks at is blue hand on his head]
Ted Buckland: AWWWWWWWWW!

---

"Scrubs: My Advice to You (#3.6)" (2003)

Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox turns off the T.V and the med students "awww" in disappointment] Fine. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you how it ends: Dr. Phil says,
[Dr. Phil impression]
Dr. Cox: "And how... is that working out... for you?" And the big fat lady cries, "Wah." All right, I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of residency director considering my disdain for, well... all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this God-forsaken hell-hole.
Elliot: [impressed] Hm
Dr. Cox: It's all about the four dollars, trust me. And seeing as my money is contingent on you lemmings actually doing your jobs, I would say that now is a pretty good time for you to scurry on back to work so that I can continue to afford the antidepressants that keep me so damn jolly.
[laughs weakly]
Dr. Cox: GO!

---

"Scrubs: My Absence (#8.9)" (2009)

Dr. Perry Cox: ...And that, Dorian, is what I think of you as a person.
[Hands Elliot back her cell phone]
Dr. Elliot Reid: That sounded harsh. Are you okay?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [On speakerphone, crying] No!

---

"Scrubs: My Bad (#1.6)" (2001)

Dr. Perry Cox: So, how are things going in the underworld?
Jordan Sullivan: Good, and you? Still have a rollicking social life?
Dr. Perry Cox: Since I cut you loose, it's been one big party.
Jordan Sullivan: In the next five seconds, name one place, other than the hospital and your apartment, that you've been to in the last month. Five... four... three... two...
Dr. Perry Cox: My car... on the way to the... big party.

---

"Scrubs: My Super Ego (#1.7)" (2001)

Dr. Perry Cox: [after messing with Turk] Nobody hurts Carla and gets away with it.

---

"Scrubs: My Case Study (#2.3)" (2002)

J.D.: Look, I don't care what you think.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do.
J.D.: You're right, I do.

---

"Scrubs: My Bed Banter & Beyond (#1.15)" (2002)

Dr. Perry Cox: Bravo, just a big bravo! Heaven help me, I love newbie theatre! Honest, I do! It's the way you both play your parts, with such wonderful commitment, that almost had me believing that you *aren't* having whiny, neurotic, extremely pale sex with each other.

---

"Scrubs: My Scrubs (#6.13)" (2007)

Elliot: Oh, you think you're funny?
Dr. Cox: I do. I always have, ever since I was little. It's one of the reasons that I'm a winner.

---

"Scrubs: My Rabbit (#6.21)" (2007)

Dr. Cox: I've seen The Wiggles live in concert... twice.
Turk: Did they perform "Big Red Car"?
Dr. Cox: They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.

---

"Scrubs: My First Step (#2.7)" (2002)

Julie Keaton: This drug is the best one on the market. The only side effects are nausea, impotence and anal leakage.
Dr. Cox: And, I'm getting two out of three, just from having this conversation.

---

"Scrubs: My Lucky Charm (#4.14)" (2005)

Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla, I'm so bummed. I can't go see the Chamber Orchestra tonight, I totally forgot I have my Cantonese class. And I would totally call and cancel but the only thing I know how to say is "I'm allergic to peanuts."
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, Elliot, I was really looking forward to this.
The Janitor: Really? About five seconds ago you were all giddy about going home and taking a bath tonight.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why would you do that to me?
The Janitor: New thing. I'm busting chops.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [laughs defensively]
Dr. Elliot Reid: So, you just forgot we even had plans?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What's the big deal? You were flaking on them anyway.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I wasn't. I have my Cantonese class.
The Janitor: But do you? Do you really?
[Elliot makes a "What are you doing" face - Janitor shrugs]
The Janitor: Busting chops.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Fine! Well at least I remembered the plans well enough to flake on them!
[storms off down a corridor]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [shouting after her] Oh yeah? Well if I knew you were gonna flake on them, I would never have made plans to forget in the first place, because you...
Dr. Perry Cox: [has just walked in from the corridor Elliot left down] She's gone, Carla. It's over.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Where the hell have you been for the last few days?
Dr. Perry Cox: Deep sea fishing.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You hate fishing.
Dr. Perry Cox: Went with my buddies.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You don't have any buddies.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh yeah? Well we landed a 200 pound white marlin off the coast of San Diego.
The Janitor: Interesting, because that's about 3,000 miles from the natural habitat of the white marlin. Hmm, well perhaps it hopped a train from Cape Cod!
Dr. Perry Cox: Why?
The Janitor: I'm busting chops today. You can ask anybody.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's true.
The Janitor: See?

---

"Scrubs: My Lucky Day (#2.9)" (2002)

Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox to JD: JD recently identified a disease in a patient from watching a TV show and Dr. Cox wants to prove it was a fluke] Here's your chance. Two identical patients. I say we divide 'em up, just like in "The Parent Trap". One goes with the sexy, freewheeling bachelor dad, hello. The other goes with the whiny, neurotic, sexually repressed mom, oh, just you all over. Oh, and I checked tonight's TV listings. There is no special on that disease, so you're gonna wanna stop at the Blockbuster.
J.D.: Please, I know all there is to know about thrombotic thrombo cyto... cytop top top top... toppy... toppy.
Nurse Roberts: Thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura.

---

"Scrubs: My Clean Break (#3.11)" (2004)

Dr. Cox: So I'm pretty much thinking it's time to get the fear back. Now I am sorry but I think life is just too short to spend your time working some place where people don't crap their pants at the mere sight of ya.

---

"Scrubs: My Lips Are Sealed (#4.21)" (2005)

Dr. Cox: We are going to the park to celebrate and drink beer. God we love beer!

---

"Scrubs: My Cookie Pants (#8.6)" (2009)

Dr. Perry Cox: Bob, what are you doing here? Are you sick?
Dr. Bob Kelso: No, but thank you for your concern.
Dr. Perry Cox: No, you misunderstood me. I was being hopeful.
[Crosses fingers]
Dr. Perry Cox: Are you sick?

---

"Scrubs: My Sex Buddy (#2.11)" (2003)

Dr. Cox: Oh, joy. I get to work on Mrs. Credin with the Wonder Twins. Dear Lord, what in thy most Holy Name have I done to offend thee so?
Elliot: My brother Bradley and I used to always pretend that we were the Wonder Twins. He would always become "form of a dragon" and then I would want to be a dragon too, but he said I'd be something made of water, so I'd be like "shape of an ice dragon"! And then he would say that I was copying him and he'd breath on me and I'd have to melt, but it was still *so* awesome.
Dr. Cox: That's funny, I don't recall asking for a really
[x10]
Dr. Cox: , ree-heeely boring story. My God, Barbie! Don't you understand no one cares?
Turk: I care.
Dr. Cox: Correction: no one important cares.

---

"Scrubs: My Cold Shower (#6.19)" (2007)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm not upset about Elliot.
Dr. Christopher Turk: You both have had a history together.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You two have had more ups and downs than Ross and Rachel on Friends.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm nothing like Ross.
Dr. Perry Cox: Of course not. You're Rachel, she's Ross.

---

"Scrubs: My Faith in Humanity (#4.23)" (2005)

Nurse Carla Espinosa: [about Dr. Perry Cox, in his presence] Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
Dr. Elliot Reid: He doesn't have one.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Exactly! But what does he have?
Dr. Elliot Reid: A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Dr. Perry Cox: Ohh! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego! I have a giant ego!

---

"Scrubs: My Karma (#2.16)" (2003)

Dr. Cox: [Jordan has just told J.D. that Dr. Cox is the father of her child] What are you two talking about?
J.D.: Apartheid.
Jordan: It's wrong.

---

"Scrubs: My Waste of Time (#7.10)" (2008)

Dr. Perry Cox: What in the hell are you talking about?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I'm just doing this thing where I use a slice of wisdom from someone else's life to solve a problem in my own life.
Jordan Sullivan: Seems coincidental.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And yet I do it almost every week.

---

"Scrubs: My Tuscaloosa Heart (#1.18)" (2002)

Jordan Sullivan: [bursting into Dr Cox's apartment] Hi, Honey, I'm home! You should lock your door; there's horrible people out there.
Dr. Perry Cox: There's horrible people right in here!

---

"Scrubs: His Story II (#3.18)" (2004)

Dr. Miller: Why are you smiling?
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm just glad you finally ended up on my side of the camp.
Dr. Miller: I'm an adult, I don't go to camp. Listen, if Dr Kelso was going to take me somewhere which was actually going to help my career, I'd be gone so fast you'd be left here staring at an imaginary woman's chest.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, I'm sorry. That dress your wearing just screams respect me as a doctor.

---