Dr. Elliot Reid
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Quotes for
Dr. Elliot Reid (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Scrubs: My Day at the Races (#5.3)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: Jordan, here's the plan: I'm gonna go ahead and and cram an entire evening's worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one - I've worked with her before - she has no off button.
Carla: [to Elliot] If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?
Jordan: Who's Jake?
Dr. Cox: Jordan!... No!
Elliot: He's this guy that I've been going out with for a while, but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off, you know?
Jordan: [Pointing at Cox behind her hand] Uh, sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?
Dr. Cox: Jordan Godzilla Sullivan! You stop that, and you stop it now!
Jordan: Why don't you try talking to humans for once? You might enjoy it!
Carla: Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up? You know like Turk can be a little... immature - you know, like I always have to talk about my feelings over dinner or shut off his iPod during sex. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.
Dr. Cox: Or... maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on fifty pounds, start collecting knick-knacks and meet your future now. You know... before the loneliness burns too much?
[Hopping in his seat]
Dr. Cox: Wooooo-ohhhhh!
[Laughing]
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I did enjoy that!

Elliot: How's it goin'?
J.D.: Well, my bike is rusty, I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they first touched water, and the only thing I've had to eat all day is a half a jellyfish. Why are you here?
Elliot: Can I talk to you about Jake?
J.D.: It's a dangerous topic. Talk to Carla.
Elliot: Yeah, anytime I talk to Carla about a guy, she tells me to marry him so the four of us can go to dinner together.

Elliot: This Jake thing is still really bothering me.
J.D.: Elliot, you know our rules.
Elliot: Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Who wants to have a superficial friendship? I mean, God, do you remember how close we used to be? Dealing with Dr. Cox, dealing with our screwed-up families, talking about everything? I miss that.
J.D.: This is working.
Elliot: Not for me! I wanna be able to tell you that my boyfriend really freaked me out.
J.D.: Well, if he freaked you out, why don't you go talk to him?

J.D.: All right, fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You're just like me. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life. But instead of running a triathlon, you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with. And you know as well as I do, one of these days he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that; and you wanna know why? It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?
Elliot: You're pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes.

J.D.: Elliot, I'm thirty years old; I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.
Elliot: Why don't you just move into my place?
J.D.: Oh, great, then we'll be two losers under one roof.

Jake: Alright fine, why don't you tell me about your wildest fantasy.
Elliot: OK, fine. You're a Mexican apple thief. I run the cider house. I catch you hiding behind the sawmill. You chase me into the tasting room- oh, if there's a crow in there, fine; if not, I can live with it- anyway, we're all alone. You don't speak a word of English but you teach more about hard cider than I ever learned from my fermenting exam and our passion is so loud that they can hear it all in the way in the distillery. Oh, I can be such an apple slut.


"Scrubs: My Office (#4.2)" (2004)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Cox is naming ass-face, here, at 3. It's too late.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Well maybe it's not too late.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah it is, Carla.
Dr. Molly Clock: Maybe it's not.
Dr. Elliot Reid: You know what, you're right, Molly. Maybe it isn't!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What the hell?
Dr. Christopher Turk: They're all against you!

J.D.: Hey, when Elliot asked you if she could run for chief resident and you said "why not," that was just a goof, right?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Cox. Ran all those tests on Mr. Landisman.
Dr. Cox: Top-notch work, there, Barbie! She's good! She's very, very, very good! Now, sorry, where were we?
J.D.: I am a medical professional, and you are not gonna get me to compete with Elliot.
Dr. Cox: Well, Jo-Jo, right now she's winning.
J.D.: Let me know how to get back on top. I'll do anything, even if it means I have to kill somebody!
Dr. Cox: Well, you could start by getting the lightbulb out of this genius's pooper. Impress me.
J.D.: Oh, I'll impress you!

Dr. Elliot Reid: Yes, I'm happy! But I'd be happier if I didn't have to share the job with such a jerk!
J.D.: Elliot. I can hear you.
Dr. Molly Clock: You guys, the situation would be perfect for my study.
J.D.: Oh, no.
J.D.: Don't worry, Johnny. Everyone's gonna be anonymous, I'm only using initials. You'll be "J.D."

Dr. Elliot Reid: Don't worry, I just came to check on my patients.
J.D.: Do whatever you want, just don't come over to my area.
Dr. Elliot Reid: You couldn't pay me to come over to your area.
J.D.: Well, I wouldn't pay you.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Well, you don't have enough money.
J.D.: It just so happens I have a rich uncle who'd do anything for me, but I'd never call in that favor just to pay you to come over to my area!

J.D.: Can you imagine us trying to do that three years ago?
Dr. Elliot Reid: [laughing] I know. Remember our first code?
J.D.: Well, I remember hiding in a supply closet.
Dr. Elliot Reid: That's the one
J.D.: [narrating] Ultimately, conflict is resolved by remembering why you were friends in the first place.

J.D.: I miss this. This, like, hanging out, you know?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Me too.
J.D.: We should go get coffee.
Dr. Elliot Reid: We're having coffee.
J.D.: No, no, I mean like, like outside coffee - real world coffee.The point is, we should... hang out outside the hospital sometime.
Dr. Elliot Reid: J.D., I still need time. I know that's gonna be hard for you because you like to fix everything right way, but... you just do the best you can, okay?
J.D.: Is it fixed now?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Nope.


"Scrubs: My Quarantine (#4.16)" (2005)
Carla: You know, on a first date, I could see what a guy was wearing and know exactly how far he was gonna get that night.
Elliot: Oh, me, too. And THAT guy's gettin' boobies!
[J.D. removes jacket, revealing his button up shirt to be short sleeved]
Elliot: Whooooa! THAT guy's gettin' a hug at the door!
[J.D. removes button up to reveal an Electric Boogie belly shirt]
Elliot: And THAT guy is getting a fake name and a phone number with six digits!
J.D.: I know how ridiculous this looks.
Carla: I don't think you do!

Elliot: J.D., seeing a young doctor do his job is an amazing turn-on for a girl! My dad's a doctor and I remember how I excited I was the first time I saw him work in the hospital. I mean, I didn't want to sleep with him, but there were definitely some complicated feelings... But that's totally normal for an eleven-year-old, right? Anyway, yeah... I forget.

Elliot: So, how's it going with Kylie?
[J.D. motions toward Kylie, who's asleep in a chair]
J.D.: This sucks! I need to look like a stud and a doctor can't look like a stud unless he's saving somebody's life. I need someone to have a heart attack!
[Homeless Steve appears]
Homeless Steve: Got twenty bucks?

Elliot: I had this one first date where the guy took me to play paintball. All he does the whole time is shoot me in the face!... After two years with that guy, I'm like, "That's enough," ya know?

[standing at a patient bed over the homeless patient who threatened to expose the fake-heart-attack ruse]
Elliot: Wow - he is *really* out.
J.D.: A mild sedative "fell" into his juice box.


"Scrubs: My Missed Perception (#5.6)" (2006)
Dr. Elliot Reid: I should have just believed Mr Peele. I mean, it's not like somebody just poos their pants for no reason.
J.D.: Turk did that in college on a bet.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Carla didn't know that story, thank you.

Dr. Elliot Reid: [on her not wanting to be in Sacred Hearts annual staff picture] Yeah, I don't photograph well. On my drivers' licence photo, I look like Gary Busey.
Gary Busey: Huh, they say the same thing about me.
[chuckles]

Dr. Elliot Reid: Ohh, Roland's gonna be mad.
J.D.: Oh well. He's 6, what's he gonna do? Kick my ass?
[thinking]
J.D.: Again?

Dr. Elliot Reid: Frick, it's Mrs. Peele. One of us has to talk to her.
Dr. Christopher Turk: All right, the first one who chugs their slushie is off the hook. Come on, here we go!
[he takes a big sip of his slushie]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Owww! Brain Freeze!
Mrs. Peele: Why is my husband being discharged?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Mrs Peele. We really can not judge...
Dr. Christopher Turk: [screaming] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Dr. Elliot Reid: [embarrased, to Turk] Come on!
Dr. Christopher Turk: It's so cold!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Mrs Peele, even though Dr Turk is currently incapacitated by his cherry flavored bawl he's a fantastic surgeon.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [giving her the thumbs up, still in pain] Uh-huh.
Dr. Elliot Reid: He didn't find anything and I am a great doctor...
[Turk makes signs which tell that Elliot is not such a great doctor]
Dr. Elliot Reid: - and I didn't either. Don't you think that, maybe, the pain could all be in his head?
Mrs. Peele: Last week, we were watching TV and he was in too much pain to get up and use to bathroom. So he soiled himself, on the couch, right in front of our son. How do you explain that?
Dr. Christopher Turk: [normal again] Maybe there was a really good game on television.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Probably not.

Dr. Christopher Turk: Where's the donut truck? I was paged there was a donut track out here!
Dr. Elliot Reid: I got paged there was a handbag sample sale!
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Where's the booby-touching booth?
J.D.: It's weird. It's like everyone was lured out here by the thing they want most in the world.
Dr. Perry Cox: [arriving running, watching J.D] Hey! You're not getting your ass kicked!
Dr. Kelso: Hold the phone... look! Bleachers! Ladder! Bucket of combs! She's trying to take the picture! Scatter!
[everybody runs away]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [standing on the top of a ladder] Nobody move! Laverne, door!
Nurse Laverne Roberts: [standing on the threshold of the hospital's entrance, holding a broom] Nobody's getting past here, baby!


"Scrubs: My Big Bird (#5.8)" (2006)
Dr. Bob Kelso: Who's a whore?
Dr. Elliot Reid: That'd be me, sir.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Oh, of course.

Dr. Elliot Reid: I was making out with a married man while his sick child slept a few feet away. Oh my god! I've become my mother!

Keith: What are you doing?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Don't look at me! Keith, you see the woman standing outside?
[Keith mistakes a fat old woman for the "woman" Elliot meant]
Keith: Yeah, i see her.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I made out with her husband this morning
Keith: That's disgusting

Mrs. Wilk: Dr Reid, why are you hiding? You didn't do anything wrong.
Dr. Elliot Reid: If we all win this lottery, I am using this money to find a decent man.

Dr. Cox: Wait, wait, let me get on in this! Let's also have a toast to Mr Forster's widow and his fatherless kids.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox, it wasn't our fault.
Dr. Cox: Because you are lucky! You know as well as I do, it could have been any one of your faults. Congrats again! Have a well party!


"Scrubs: My Female Trouble (#4.10)" (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie, the guy's a sexist pig. He's gonna eat you alive.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, I'm not the same doctor I was four years ago. I'm smarter, I'm more confident...
Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just skip the rest of your "I'll show you speech" and just walk away in a huff. I'm very busy. Thank you!

Mr. Summers: When the hell am I getting out of here?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Reid thought you might ask that and he had an answer for you. Shut your cakehole!

Jordan Sullivan: Elliot, if you can handle that sexist dirtbag in there, you can certainly handle Perry.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Why are you being so nice to me?
Jordan Sullivan: Okay, Perry occasionally talks to me at home, and he told me that you don't need him as much anymore, and it annoys the hell out of him, which of course gives me endless enjoyment.

Jordan Sullivan: You are so much stronger than all the other idiot residents around here.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Jordan? I need you to break up with someone for me.
Jordan Sullivan: Really.

Dr. Elliot Reid: So, how are we feeling, Mr. Summers?
Mr. Summers: I feel like my ex-wife is standing on my chest and not the pretty one. The fat one that had all my kids.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Fantastic! I'd like to start by...
Mr. Summers: Listen, Goldilocks. Unless the next three words out of your mouth are some combination of sponge, bath, and my big white ass, I'm not interested.


"Scrubs: Her Story (#4.5)" (2004)
J.D.: Half of what rappers say doesn't make any sense. Like that Snoop Dogg Dr.Dre song? What is "still hittin' them corners and those ho-hos girl" mean?
Turk: Many diadvantaged African-Americans have limited nutritional choices, therefore they must subsist of Ho-Ho snack cakes. It's a black thing, bra.
Dr. Clock: Actually, Turk, it's "still hittin' them corners and those low-lows girl". It's low-lows, not ho-hos.
Elliot: See, Turk, in the hood, a low-low is a low rider, or a car with an adjusted suspension which allows it to bounce up and down.
[Elliot and Molly both inmitate bouncing]
J.D.: [laughs] Ha-ha-ha.
Elliot: And Dre and Snoop like driving around together in their low riders around the corners, or lizzle-rizzles.
[starts rapping]
Elliot: I'm representin' for them gangsters all across the world!
Dr. Clock: Still hittin' them corners and them low-lows girls!
Elliot, Dr. Clock: I'm takin' my time to perfect the beat, and I still got love for da street!
Carla: Turk, you just got schooled on rap by the two whitest chicks in America!
Turk: None of you can prove it.
J.D.: I got it on tape.
Elliot, Dr. Clock: Whicka, whicka, whicka.
[imitating scratching discs]

Dr. Cox: How, uh, how old is this patient?
Elliot: Seventy-nine.
Dr. Cox: And... how old would you say he was when you started this procedure?
Elliot: [thinking] The more I thought about how awesome Molly is, the more I got sick of Dr. Cox's crap.
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, I could fly to China, adopt a child, raise her, send her to medical school, and then train her to do this procedure in the time it's taking you to finish.
Elliot: [thinking] Enough! He's never been there for you! Burn this bridge once and for all!
Dr. Cox: Barbie, honest to God, if you...
Elliot: You know what, Dr. Cox? I have so had it with this whole macho alpha-male thing, and I have heard every tired, recycled put-down you have in you. So, from now on, save your stupid lessons for someone who gives a frick, because honestly, I don't even wanna see you or the stupid poodle perm of yours unless it's walking away from me.

Dr. Cox: Oh, whoa, now. What happened to - what happened to feisty Barbie, huh? You know, it took me a helluva lot to shake off that tongue-lashing you gave me yesterday.
Elliot: Yeah, well, yesterday I had a mentor, but she turned out to be insane. I mean, how am I supposed to take professional advice from somebody who can't even hold together their personal life?
Dr. Cox: Look, I know you and I have never really connected - maybe that's because you're relentlessly annoying, or maybe it's my fault because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people - I don't know. But answer me one question: Do you think I'm a good teacher?
Elliot: To some people.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Why don't we go ahead and take a look at my personal life? I am in love with a woman that I hate, my two-year-old son calls me "Pewwy," and - this is something that I've never actually shared with anybody before, but - on Saturday nights, I like to throw on a nice dress, go out to dive bars, and insist that everybody call me Mrs. Haberdasher!
Elliot: [laughs, then thinks] No, you don't.
Dr. Cox: Well, even if I did, it wouldn't really matter since that has nothing to do with how good of a teacher I am. Stick with me here, Barbie. The point is that if you finally found somebody who makes you believe in yourself as much as you did yesterday, well, I would think twice before I wrote that person off.

Elliot: Frick on a stick with a brick!

Elliot: [thinking] There's Dr. Kelso. Okay, you're chief resident now, so say hi. But don't stop, or you'll have to come up with something else to say, and you know you don't improvise well.
Elliot: Hi, Dr. Kelso!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid.
[she stops]
Elliot: I see you've trimmed your nose hair!
[Dr. Kelso looks at her]
Elliot: [thinking] Frick on a stick!


"Scrubs: My Monster (#2.10)" (2002)
Dr. Bob Kelso: [enters the on-call room and finds Elliot in her PJs, lying on one of the beds] Dr Reid? What are you doing in here?
Dr. Elliot Reid: [covers herself in haste] Uhm... Sir, hi, Dr Kelso. I was just... uhm... I... uhm... I was on call.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Well, I have the call sheet right here and your name doesn't seem to be on it... But what do I know? I'm just a kindly old man who doesn't know the difference between a doctor on call and one who maybe just needs a warm bed for the night.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, I've just been so swamped with work I couldn't even make time to find a new place.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I understand. Life is hard and all that... But, if you want a bed in my hospital you better have a damn rent check or a massive coronary in the next five seconds! And believe me, missy... either one's fine with me.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Thank you, sir...?
Dr. Bob Kelso: No problem.

Elliot: My life is a mess!
J.D.: At least you're pretty.
Elliot: Yeah, well, pretty don't pay the rent!
Carla: It does for my sister.
Elliot: Oh, my God, your sister's a prostitute?
Carla: She's a model. Come on, Elliot, we talked about thinking before we speak.

Elliot: Sir, my father cut me off...
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not "Bring Your Problems to Work" Day. This is just "Work" Day.

Elliot: [Elliot is giving J.D. a physical] Any shortness of breath, nausea or burning sensation while peeing?
J.D.: No, no, and... does it count when it whistles?
Elliot: Funny. Are you currently sexually active?
J.D.: Oh, it's active all right.
Elliot: I'll write rare dry spell in the margin.


"Scrubs: My First Kill (#4.4)" (2004)
Dr. Elliot Reid: I understand that because of his drug problem, some of you don't think that Mr. Phillips is a good candidate for surgery, but believe me, he understands that this heart valve is a responsibility. Those of you who have met him, like Ted, can attest to this.
Dr. Bob Kelso: This is a very dicey case. Ted, what do you think?
Ted Buckland: She knows my name! Whatever she wants!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Very ethical. Why don't I open the floor to those people who currently do not have erections? Dr. Clock. Do you think this guy'll stay clean?
Dr. Molly Clock: Oh, I'm just here as a friend. I think you should ask Ted again.
Ted Buckland: Oh, good God, she knows it too! Am I awake?

Dr. Molly Clock: Look, I know you're mad.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Why? Because you betrayed me? Betrayer.
Dr. Molly Clock: Look, I'm sorry, but when they asked me for my professional opinion, I had to give it.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, I don't know, if you were a real friend you could have lied, kept your mouth shut, made out with me - any of the stuff that we talked about!

Dr. Molly Clock: Did you just page me so you could rub my face in this?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yes. Uh, there's also a couple of messages on your home machine.
Dr. Molly Clock: Look, Elliot, I hope I'm wrong, and I hope he stays clean. Let's just not make this personal, okay?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Said the loser.
[laughs]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Who lost.
Dr. Molly Clock: Don't push me. 'Cause one of the reasons I became a therapist is I've always been able to zero in on a person's greatest insecurity.

Dr. Molly Clock: Don't push me. 'Cause one of the reasons I became a therapist is I've always been able to zero in on a person's greatest insecurity.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Ohhh, I'm real scared, Molly, what'cha gonna...
Dr. Molly Clock: Eyebrows.
[walks away]
J.D.: Eyebrows. Like that's gonna make you -
[Tears stream mascara tracks down Elliot's face]
J.D.: Elliot, come on, you can't be *that* insecure.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Giant Adam's apple!
J.D.: [Trying not to be emotional] I have to go.
J.D.: [Thinking] Elliot's comment didn't bother me, because I'm proud of the body God gave me.


"Scrubs: My New God (#5.5)" (2006)
Elliot: Uh, what's with the second beeper?
Turk: Carla gave it to me. She's got me on 24-hour baby-making alert. Man, we haven't had sex since her last ovulation. Did you know that women only do that once a month?
J.D.: Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor.
[thinking]
J.D.: Once a month? That's crazy!
Elliot: I don't know why I even bother ovulating. Little Hailey doesn't have a chance this month. I name my eggs - big frick. Last month it was Cassy
J.D.: Oh Cassy's pretty!
Elliot: Oh, she would have been, J.D. She would have been.

Turk: Aw, dammit, I gotta go have ovulation sex again.
J.D.: Are you actually complaining about getting to have sex? Because that is so insensitive, Turk!
Turk: J.D.!
J.D.: Let me feel my feelings, Turk! We worked on this!
[J.D. storms off]
Turk: I've really gotta stop doing that!
Elliot: You can talk to me if you want?
Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex.I don't understand any of that crazy gibberish you use. Penis is schwing-something...
Elliot: Schwing-schwong, peepers, or peep.
Turk: Right. And vagina is...?
Elliot: Disgusting! But also bajingo or hoo-hoo.

Elliot: Turk! Just go back to the way things were. Carla loved it. Don't you get it? Trying to make a baby with you is the sexiest thing in the world to her.
Turk: Elliot, I'm a man. I've been programmed to think that a baby is the worst possible consequence of sex

Turk: I just don't understand why we can't have fun while making a baby.
Carla: I am just so glad you have to hurt my feelings to have fun.
Turk: I can't believe you! Wha - Calm down!
Carla: Great, that's really nice for you. "Calm down"? I'm gonna kill you!
Turk: [to God] You hear that? She's gonna kill me! Get her.
Elliot: Okay, look, you two stop fighting or I will turn this church around.


"Scrubs: My Half-Acre (#5.9)" (2006)
Julie Quinn: It's so late, I gotta go. I have a dog and a fish. I have to feed them and walk them and stuff. I'm Julie! Hi!
Elliot: I was Elliot.

Jordan: What are you guys talking about?
Elliot: Well J.D has this...
Jordan: Already bored.

J.D.: How did you know I'd move to fast with Julie?
Dr. Cox: How do you know that I can be that kind of dad?
Turk: How did you that Kelso just wanted respect?
Elliot: Because I know you!
Carla: Because I know you!
Janitor: Because I know him!
Todd: [watches it on the security camera] This is so cool!

J.D.: Morning, Elliot! By the way, Julie's here. I'm not gonna kiss and tell.
Elliot: Oh really? 'Cause I just got your text that said, "Bone city".
J.D.: Oh really? That went through?


"Scrubs: My Old Friend's New Friend (#4.1)" (2004)
Elliot: It's so strange feeling all alone when like a month ago I was part of this really tight group, you know?
Dr. Clock: Yeah. I had tons of friends at my old hospital.
Elliot: I gotta meet some new people.
Dr. Clock: Do you wanna, uh, get a cup of coffee tonight?
Elliot: Can't. I'm hitting the internet hard and going on a friend hunt!

Elliot: I'm sorry. Look, um... You wouldn't understand.
Dr. Clock: No, I get it. I mean, you're feeling lonely, you're feeling rejected. I mean, most people around here won't talk to me, and even Johnny won't take my help.
Elliot: Who's Johnny?
Dr. Clock: You know, he's a resident, he's got like gelled-up hair, and he and his friends are in a motorcycle gang?
Elliot: I knew it!
Dr. Clock: You know what, Elliot, you act like everyone's boxing you out, but you wouldn't even get a cup of coffee with me.

Dr. Clock: Hey! Do you guys mind if I eat with you? 'Cause I don't wanna sit alone and sing to my food like a crazy person
Elliot: Oh, my gosh! I do that!
Dr. Clock: No way!
Elliot: Mostly pop songs. You know, unless I'm eating soul food.
Carla: Where's your food?
Dr. Clock: Oh, shoot.
[she hops up again]
Carla: Look, Elliot, we'll do something later this week, just the two of us.
Elliot: Okay
Dr. Clock: [returns with a tray] Oh, that is not my food. But I'm not getting up again.
Elliot: Oh, I wouldn't.

Dr. Kelso: Well, sweetheart, you're here early.
Elliot: Yeah, well, you know I didn't have any plans last night, so I went to bed at 8 and then I woke up at 4. And then I realized that the sunrise just looks beautiful through the trees, and that my neighbor gets his paper in the 'nude' and that he needs to lose like 900 pounds.
Dr. Kelso: In the future, the appropriate response is, "Yes, I am here early" - it's called 'small talk', not 'my depressing life in thirty seconds'.
[walks off]
Elliot: I am not depressed, sir. In fact, nothing is gonna get me down today!
Mr. Blass: [singing] "All by myself. Don't wanna be all by my - "
Elliot: Oh, shut up!
Dr. Clock: Did you just tell my patient to shut up? 'Cause that seems not very doctory.
Elliot: No. I mean, I said it like all those high school girls do in the mall, like, "Oh, shut up!" I should go.


"Scrubs: My Cold Shower (#6.19)" (2007)
Dr. Elliot Reid: [as Keith is putting on her engagement] Okay, it's a little tight. Just push harder. Okay, lifted a little skin there...
Melody O'Harra: Here come the fricks.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Just put the motherfricking ring on the motherfricking finger! Frick, frick, frick!

Dr. Elliot Reid: Mrs. Sheldon, may I just say, I hope I to look as good as you when I'm 80.
Mrs. Sheldon: I'm 68.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Do they not have sunscreen where you grew up?

Jordan Sullivan: Hey! So, I convinced the bartender to give us all the booze at your party for half price.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [whispering] Yes!
Jordan Sullivan: Little hitch: you're gonna have to show some boob. Apparently mine did not get us all the way there. He has a soft touch, though.
Dr. Perry Cox: Lovely...
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, and Per... you were wrong: someone is dumb enough to love me.
[leaves]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Where's your head right now?
[Cox's fantasy starts: Cox preparing canapés, he hands one to Elliot]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Perry, no! It goes cracker-apple-cheese, not cracker-cheese-apple! I know that we've only been married two days, Perry, but you should know this!
[Cox smiles while wrath grows inside him; in the next scene we see part of Elliot's corpse and a policeman handcuffing him]
Policeman: You're gonna fry for this, buddy.
[Cox smiles. End of fantasy]
Dr. Perry Cox: Worth it.
[smiles nastily and walks away]

Dr. Elliot Reid: Mrs Sheldon is the sweetest old lady, but I can't figure out what is wrong with her. She's got the most random symptoms: myalgia, alopecia, a rash.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: That is so weird... my patient, Mr Bilbray, has the same exact symptoms.
Jamie: Actually, he's my patient.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Jamie, you're a baby intern; yesterday you asked me how to turn on your stethoscope. Now, go stand over there!


"Scrubs: My Jiggly Ball (#5.4)" (2006)
Dr. Christopher Turk: Mr. Keck! What do you say we get you into surgery and take care of that hernia!
Mr. Keck: Ummm, I don't know if surgery is necessary. Last night I was in pain, so I went to a free clinic. The doctor there said surgery wasn't my only option.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Well, you're just gonna have to get him on the phone and tell him that I won't be second-opinioned by a clinic doctor who couldn't carry my jockstrap!
[Holds his hand up to J.D]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Gimme some!
J.D.: [High-fives him] Here it is.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [in Free Clinic, on the phone with Mr Keck] Yeah, I think I know this guy. Is he a cocky black doctor with a white doctor following him around and looking at him like he's in love?
J.D.: [in in Mr Kecks room]
[to Turk]
J.D.: You would make a pretty girl.
Mr. Keck: [Into phone] Yeah.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [back in Free Clinic] All right, now repeat after me...
Mr. Keck: [to Turk] "You can't decide for me, that's not your duty."
Dr. Elliot Reid: And are they both trying not to laugh at the word "duty"?
Mr. Keck: [J.D. and Turk try to hold their giggles back]
[Into phone]
Mr. Keck: Yeah. Hey, Heckle and Jeckle, you know what? No surgery.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Grabbing the phone] Who the hell is this?
Free Clinic Patient: [into Phone] Where are my shoelaces?
Dr. Elliot Reid: I said to tell him that he had a laxity in the peritoneal wall and that surgery was unnecessarily invasive! Was that so hard?

Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Lorraine, the sooner you let me have a look at that rash, the sooner we can get you back home.
[the patient looks at her]
Dr. Elliot Reid: I mean, back on the street, which is your home. Hey! Home Street Home, huh?
[Chuckles and snorts]
Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm sorry, Lorraine, that was incredibly insensitive.

Dr. Christopher Turk: Elliot, nobody respects clinic doctors.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really, Turk? I think your hernia patient does.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Laughing] I'm not upset about that!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's obvious you are.
J.D.: It's more obvious to me, baby - I mean Turk.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, I know this place isn't the greatest, but it's not like I lie awake thinking about being yelled at by Dr. Cox or playing Jiggly Ball with the orderlies.

Dr. Elliot Reid: I told you guys to leave it alone.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, would you stop being so proud?
Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm proud? Carla! After the wedding, you wouldn't even take Turk's name!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I use it for official things!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Letting him call you Mrs. Turk in the bedroom isn't official.
Dr. Christopher Turk: But it is officially hot!
Dr. Elliot Reid: And Turk, you freaked out when the hernia patient listened to me over you. And J.D.! You just let the entire hospital pummel you with tennis balls because you were too proud to admit you didn't know what "Jiggly Ball" was.


"Scrubs: My Malpractical Decision (#4.9)" (2004)
Doug Murphy: Elliot, I know everyone thinks I'm this huge screw-up, but I just want you to know that I'm gonna turn it around!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Doug! This is a quarantined area!

Dr. Elliot Reid: Kelso wants me to keep hiding Doug until that attorney leaves? Isn't that ridiculous?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, the man tried to electrocute me an hour ago. All I care about is whether or not this twitch goes away. You should take Doug down to the morgue. The worst he could do there is bring somebody back to life!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What are you doing here?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Ah, hiding from Doug. He asked me a question I haven't answered yet. You?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I was trying to make a dramatic exit. I thought this was a patient's room.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Right.

Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla, when I became chief resident, I wrote a pledge to myself and do you know what it said?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Mm-mm?
Dr. Elliot Reid: It said, "Dance like nobody is watching," which I do constantly with the shades closed just in case somebody's watching. But it also said not to hide problems away.


"Scrubs: My Way Home (#5.7)" (2006)
Elliot: Oh really, becasuse you never went to assface school but you seem to be an expert at that

Dr. Cox: Your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you five days may seem like an eternity as it's roughly five times as long as any of your pasty relationships have lasted. But trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.
Elliot: Oh really? Because you never went to assface school, but you seem to be an expert at that. Am I right?
J.D.: [didn't hear conversation, but high-fives Elliot] Here's some!
Dr. Cox: You're going to high five THAT? Bi-hig mistake.
J.D.: I didn't know what I was high-fiving. I gotta stop doing that.
Elliot: Did you eat my mango body butter?
J.D.: No.
[thinking]
J.D.: I smeared it on a bagel.

Dr. Bob Kelso: Dr Reid, out hospital lecture series is tonight and our psychologist, Dr Burk, had to cancel his talk on fear of public speaking.
Elliot: Why, because he's afraid of speaking in public? Yeah...
[chuckles]
Dr. Bob Kelso: No. His depression finally got the best of him and he hung himself... Anyhoo, we need a speaker and Dr Cox suggested you'd be the perfect person for an intensive Q & A on endocrinology. Be in the classroom at six.
[walks away]
Dr. Cox: And Barbie... say, if it's cold in there, you can just borrow my lab coat; it's super warm because I lined it with these... ta-daaa!
[opens his coat, pages of endocrinology text books attached on its intern]


"Scrubs: My Conventional Wisdom (#6.20)" (2007)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Now don't you screw this up, Keith. Because if this goes wrong, the wedding goes wrong, and then I'll get depressed and fat and you cheat on me and I swear to god I will CHOP IT OFF!

Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm notifying all my old boyfriends that I am officially off the market.
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm sure the pulse setting on your shower head will be devastated.

Dr. Perry Cox: July 21st? Ooh, I'm afraid I won't be able to make it?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Why not?
Dr. Perry Cox: Because I wouldn't go to your wedding if it was held in my own backyard.


"Scrubs: Her Story II (#5.10)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: Weeeeell, look what we have here: it is a visual representation of how alcohol affects people of different ages. We have the young...
[indicates Julie]
Julie Quinn: [brightly] Morning!
Dr. Cox: [moving to Elliot] ... the slightly older...
Elliot: [clearly hungover] Please stop talking.
Dr. Cox: [moving to Carla] ... the slightly older still...
Carla: [mumbles incoherently]
Dr. Cox: [moving to Jordan, who is wearing dark sunglasses and not moving] ... and last, the very, very, VERY old. She is unconscious and virtually unwakeable. Witness.
[he grabs Jordan's shoulders and shakes her]
Dr. Cox: Jorda-roo! Jorda-licious! Jorda-roni!
[Jordan doesn't react]
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.
J.D.: Ha! I'll get you ladies some more coffee. Jordan, if you're willing to pay for it, just sit there frozen.
[no response]
J.D.: How very generous.
[he reaches into Jordan's purse and takes out her credit card]
Julie Quinn: That's so funny!
J.D.: [forcing a smile] Yeah...

Elliot: Why is Julie behind that bush crying?
J.D.: Who knows? Could be anything! You know what's interesting Turk, she's not saying that's so sad. She's actually crying
Turk: You're an Idiot
J.D.: Yes I am

Turk: J.D., this is an intervention. First off, I just want to say everyone here loves you, this is a safe space. But you're such a committ-a-phobe! Every time you date a girl with potential you wind up ruining it over some trivial reason. Let's think about some of the great girls you let slip through your fingers: Kylie, Jaime, Gift Shop Girl, Minnie McSkinny, Mole Butt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumplefugly... I'm forgetting someone...
Carla: [narrating] Oh, my God, Turk... if you forget Elliot she's gonna cry.
[out loud, while nodding towards Elliot who's starting to moan]
Carla: Turk, aren't you forgetting the greatest girl of them all?...
Turk: [snapping his fingers] Heidi Horse-Face!
Elliot: [almost crying] Me, Turk... she's talking about me, OK?
J.D.: Relax, Elliot... you're Mole Butt.
Elliot: [moved] Really? Sorry, Turk...
Carla: J.D., there's somebody else here who wants to say something...
Billy Dee Williams: Don't mess this up, man... be smooth.
Turk: Lando's right.
Billy Dee Williams: Billy Dee!
Turk: [mouthing] Lando...
Dr. Cox: Joanna, now I'm not much for this sensitive crap... but, darn it all, you've found someone who's willing to let you annoy them instead of me.
Elliot: Don't screw this up, J.D., or you'll just gonna end up where you always do: lying on that couch in a fetal position wishing you hadn't driven another one away.
Dr. Cox: If Jordan were conscious, she'd... she'd agree
[Jordan sits unconscious on the couch; she has a fake arrow through her head]
Dr. Cox: Oh, now, who put that fake arrow through her head? Eh? Which one of you?... It was me... I did it...


"Scrubs: My Fishbowl (#6.12)" (2007)
Private Brian Dancer: Can you sign this picture? I promise I'll put it up in my barracks.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Do you want me to start with how I still can't walk straight and then segue into an anecdote about how you played my tush like a bongo until I cried out in pleasure-pain?
Private Brian Dancer: What?
Dr. Elliot Reid: All your army buddies are going to see it. I assume you want it filthy.
Private Brian Dancer: Oh no, filthy's fine.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] After Elliot told us that she had attempted suicide, I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind.
[out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Was it because I broke up with you?
Dr. Elliot Reid: No, J.D.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, good, good, good, good.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm not even sure why I did it. I guess things just catch up with you, you know... you get lonely, you're not happy with what's happening in your life and...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: ...an amazing guy breaks up with you...
Dr. Elliot Reid: J.D., this is not about you! I was 16!
Private Brian Dancer: So, how'd you try it?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Brian!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Please, you're dying to know...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, I am not! When Elliot...
Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla... it's fine. I was all into poetry back then, you know... Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf... I know, shocker. Well, they both killed themselves. Plath stuck her head in the oven, but that was not an option for me because every time my head gets hot I need to pee, and I was not about to be found lying in a puddle of my own urine. Not again... not after the prom fiasco...
Dr. Perry Cox: If you're still not sure why you tried to off yourself, I'm starting to get a pretty clear picture over here...
Dr. Elliot Reid: So, I decided to do it like Virginia Woolf: I walked into a lake and tried to drown myself. Got up early on a Saturday, put on my bikini...
Private Brian Dancer: Whoa... why would you wear a bikini?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, my one-piece was in the back of Coach Pongetti's car. That story informs this one, but I'm not going to tell it... Anyhow, I swam out to the middle of the lake and I couldn't bring myself to go under, so I just started, you know, floating around, waiting to get tired and then... Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! I got hit in the head by four oars as our school's rowing team passed by and then they just picked me out of the lake and took me home.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [realizing Turk's gonna fart] Oh no... Turk, I know that look... don't you dare toot while Elliot is baring her soul.
Dr. Christopher Turk: But baby, the pressure's building. No one on Earth is this uncomfortable.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Maybe you not being able to have sex tonight is karmic payback for having sex with Stacy.
Dr. Christopher Turk: J.D., drop it.
Dr. Elliot Reid: What happened that night?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: This is how I remember it.
[J.D.'s flashback starts; as he speaks, events take place in a sort of footage]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I was coming back from class and outside our room I heard...
Stacy Blue: [flashback, in J.D.'s high-pitched voice] Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [flashback] So, I opened the door and I see you and Stacy. So I said "Get off my girl before I kick your ass so deep you're gonna be crapping out Keds for a week!". Then you said...
Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback, in J.D.'s mocking voice] Chill out, dawg! You know you're my boyeeeee! This ain't be what it looks like... a'ight?
[J.D.'s flashback ends]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: But it wasn't "a'ight", was it, Turk?
Dr. Christopher Turk: This is what really happened.
[Turk's flashback starts; as he speaks, events take place in a sort of footage]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Stacy and I were waiting for you to come back from class, and she said...
Stacy Blue: [flashback, in Turk's high-pitched voice] Hey, we should have a water-balloon fight!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] We got all wet from the water balloons and Stacy was like...
Stacy Blue: [flashback, in Turk's high-pitched voice] Uh, I'm cold... let's take off all our clothes and get under the covers and warm up.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] Then you came back from your class and you heard Stacy say...
Stacy Blue: [flashback, in Turk's high-pitched voice, as Turk makes a basketball spin around on his finger] Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] Then you came in and said...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [flashback, in Turk's mocking voice] Ah... hey guys...
Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] "Calm down, J.D.: this isn't what it looks like". Then I said "All right?"
[Turk's flashback ends]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Nothing happened. So drop it.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No balloons! And we didn't even have a basketball!


"Scrubs: My Absence (#8.9)" (2009)
Denise: Fat dudes rule. They never expect commitment and they try so hard in the sack.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Plus, they're just so grateful afterward.

Dr. Perry Cox: ...And that, Dorian, is what I think of you as a person.
[Hands Elliot back her cell phone]
Dr. Elliot Reid: That sounded harsh. Are you okay?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [On speakerphone, crying] No!

Dr. Elliot Reid: I thought it'd be different this time with JD. I didn't think I'd let myself get so vulnerable.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Well that's dumb! Relationships are about taking a leap of faith. That's why it's called "jumping in." Now Dorian seems to make you happy,god knows why, isn't that enough?


"Scrubs: My Overkill (#2.1)" (2002)
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] Hospitals aren't as big as you think. Eventually you run into everyone.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Hey Elliott.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [Comes up from underneath table] I'm not hiding, I-um-I was-I was just looking for my -uhm-you know, the... I was just looking for my dignity.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Did you find it?
Dr. Elliot Reid: No. I must have left it at college.

Dr. Elliot Reid: Sorry, mom. It's just - it's gotten really awkward with this guy that I was seeing and - - Yes, mom, 'Yay, I'm straight.' Look, I just, I don't know what to do; I mean, every time I see hm, I get so embarrassed, and... lonely, and... mortified... And I guess I was just hoping that you could - - Um... About a hundred-and-fifteen pounds?
[listens]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Phen-fen kills people, mom!
[listens]
Dr. Elliot Reid: B-because I'm a - a doctor, that's... how I know.

Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm not hiding. I was just looking for my, um, you know the... I was looking for my dignity.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Did you find it?
Dr. Elliot Reid: No, I must have left it at college.


"Scrubs: His Story IV (#6.7)" (2007)
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Kelso.
[gives him a pat on the back]
Dr. Kelso: [thinking] I actually don't mind that goofy bastard. If he were gay, he'd be perfect for my son. Harrison has been looking for a new power bottom. All my little worker bees, buzzing about... buzzzz... buzzz... I love making that sound... buzzz. Dr. Reid. Ever since she quit the hospital for private practice, you pretended she's invisible. So don't break stride.
[walks straight past Elliot, bumping her on the shoulder deliberately and making all her files scatter across the floor]
Dr. Kelso: KERBLAMO!
Elliot: HEY!
Dr. Kelso: Skiddle-ee-dee, skiddle-ee-doo.

Keith: President Reagan should be on the one dollar bill!
Elliot: Oh God, that's hot!
[they start making out]
Elliot: What do you think about Hillary?
Keith: I hate that bitch.
Elliot: Oh!
[they continue making out]

Elliot: Oh, you liberals are right, and every American agrees with you, that's why John Kerry and Al Gore both won in landslides!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh, my God!... Elliot, you're one of them, aren't you?
[everyone in the cafeteria stands still, looking at Elliot]
Elliot: You know what? I don't need to be ashamed of this any more...
[stands up]
Elliot: Yes, I'm a Republican!
Nurse: Me too!
Dr. Mickhead: Me too!
Keith: Elliot! Me too!


"Scrubs: My Unicorn (#4.11)" (2004)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Do you have chocolate cake today?
Male Cafeteria Worker: Nope.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Elliot, relax. I never get chocolate cake.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh right, 'cause you're diabetic. Boo-hoo! You know what, Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see!

Dr. Elliot Reid: Franklyn, I was wondering if you could put a rush on Mr. Lowenstein's urinaylsis because I've got a really important interview for a fellowship next year.
Franklyn: No. We're done talking now.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, we can help.
Dr. Christopher Turk: No! No, you will not turn Elliot into some flirtatious manipulator. I mean, don't get me wrong, outside the hospital, Elliot with her hair up is a slammin' hottie, but in here she's an asexual mess. And that's the natural order of things and you don't mess with the natural order!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, don't listen to him. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Dr. Elliot Reid: I have been kicking ass lately, but this place is such a boys' club. I still can't even get x-rays or lab tests back on time.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Hey, Elliot, if you're desperate to get things done, you could always do what Jordan does.
Jordan Sullivan: Could you move my car out of the sun? If the seat gets too hot, my thighs get all pink and sweaty.
Jordan Sullivan: Yeah. Bye-bye, security guard.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Hmm. Very classy.


"Scrubs: My Cookie Pants (#8.6)" (2009)
[J.D. and Elliot are in bed at night. The apartment door squeaks open, and an ascending piano scale plays]
Elliot: [whispers] J.D., someone's in the house!
J.D.: [yells] Turk, get out of here!
[a descending piano scale plays, and the door closes]
J.D.: [scene cuts to Turk sitting on a park bench with Elliot's plate of cookies]
Turk: Pull that piano crap on me?
[scoffs]
Turk: Please!

Elliot: Turk, I need some help with J.D.
Turk: OK, you guys are back together. I get that. It's great. You're a fit. I just don't want to get caught in the middle again.
Elliot: [with street accent] Well, you shoulda thought of that before you jacked my cookies! You're in.
Turk: [sotto voce] stupid sweet tooth...

[J.D. enters his apartment, where Elliot is baking cookies]
J.D.: Hey!
Elliot: Hi.
[piano scale plays as J.D. walks across a Piano Mat]
J.D.: Why'd you put my Piano Mat here?
Elliot: I was here all day all by myself, and I got a little freaked out, so I thought I'd use that as a burglar alarm.
[J.D. plays "I'm No Superman" - "scrubs"'s theme song - on Piano Mat]
J.D.: That's catchy.


"Scrubs: My Intern's Eyes (#5.1)" (2006)
Turk: By the way, Elliot what are you doing here?
Carla: Oh she hasn't talked to anyone at her new hospital
Elliot: How did this conversation become about me?

Turk: Elliot, why are you here?
Elliot: Oh, I have to make Kelso think that I still work here so he doesn't have me arrested for stealing medical supplies.

Dr. Kelso: Well at least there's one attending around I can count on.
Elliot: Oh the hell with it, Bob- I don't work here! Have a good one!
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.
Dr. Cox: It hates you, Bob!


"Scrubs: My Faith in Humanity (#4.23)" (2005)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [about Dr. Perry Cox, in his presence] Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
Dr. Elliot Reid: He doesn't have one.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Exactly! But what does he have?
Dr. Elliot Reid: A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Dr. Perry Cox: Ohh! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego! I have a giant ego!

Dr. Elliot Reid: Hey, Jake... so, you're probably rushing home to wipe the old person smell off before your trip, uh?
Jake: Excuse me?
Dr. Elliot Reid: [scoffs] No, I'm just kidding, I love old people. Still, there's no denying they have a distinctive smell. I mean, it's nothing bad. It's like a... general mustiness... like... you know when... you get your cast... taken off and... skin mold...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh...
Jake: Well, I have a flight to catch... you guys need me to sign anything?
Dr. Perry Cox: No.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, you're good.
Jake: OK, then.
[walks away]
Dr. Perry Cox: Hats off there, Barbie... that was one potent combination of verbal diarrhea and stunned silence...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You should have just asked him out. Men love that.
Dr. Perry Cox: No, Carla, men don't love that. It turns out we don't love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums, or when you drive so we can relax; and, as always, we're not that big on Hugh Jackman. Look there... the only thing men care about as far as dating is concerned is the chase; if you want that guy to look your way, listen me carefully... ignore the living hell out of him.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's the worst advice I've ever heard!
Dr. Perry Cox: Good point, Carla. Say, you don't happen to have any other gems before you run off to couples therapy to sift through the wreckage that is the first year of your marriage, do ya?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Dr Cox, I'm sure that you are fantastic at picking up men, really...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ah ah!
Dr. Elliot Reid: ...but I can handle this one on my own. Thank you.

Elliot: Dr. Cox, this is the most painful thing I've ever done and I was a cutter for a week in high school. My shop teacher thought scars were sexy, but that's a whole other story. The point is, your advice really worked with Jake and I'd really appreciate it if you would give me some more help.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no problem Barbie, let me just finish writing this prescription and you'll be all squared away.
[hands Elliot the prescription]
Elliot: This is a prescription for 'no'.
Dr. Cox: Correctomundo. To be taken with food every Saturday night while you're eating alone.
Elliot: I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here. I am dangerously close to giving up men all together!
Dr. Cox: Then on behalf of men everywhere-and I do mean everywhere
[makes a circle with his hands]
Dr. Cox: -including the ones in the little mud huts, let me be the first to say thanks and yalleluah!
Carla: Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to it's human side?
Elliot: He doesn't have one.
Carla: Exactly. But what does he have?
Elliot: [grudgingly] A shaped chest, a closet full of tiny t-shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Dr. Cox: Ohhhhhh! I'm sorry, the correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego.
[nodding]
Dr. Cox: I have a giant ego!
Elliot: Dammit! I knew that.
Carla: Can you just appeal to it so I can go get something to eat?
Elliot: You're... amazing.
Dr. Cox: And I'm in!
Elliot: [makes a happy noise]


"Scrubs: My Fruit Cups (#2.8)" (2002)
Dr. Elliot Reid: We must've looked at a hundred women's bajingos today. Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo. I can barely even look at my *own* bajingo.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Is that because it looks so much like a vagina?

Elliot: [to Carla] You wouldn't believe how many women's bajingos we looked at today! Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo. I can't even look at my own bajingo if you know what I mean!

Elliot: My dad's coming in to town for a conference tomorrow.
Carla: You don't seem that stressed out.
Elliot: Well, I haven't pooed in six days.
J.D.: Twice this morning, and I haven't even had my coffee yet.
Elliot: You really pick odd things to brag about.
J.D.: I'm just saying, if I had to get three by lunch, I probably could.


"Scrubs: His Story II (#3.18)" (2004)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Position one, two or three?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: We only had two positions.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh. Well, I've got something to show you later.

Elliot: [on the phone] I can't believe you've been in New Zealand for 5 months.
Sean Kelly: I... I can't believe you still haven't figured out the time difference; it's 4am here.

Elliot: Guys! Three long years of busting my hump at this place and it has finally paid off!
J.D.: You got the fellowship?
Elliot: No! I get to be the clown in Pediatrics!
Carla: Heeeey! That old clown was really good. So, uh, you got some really big shoes to fill!
[she laughs, but everyone else just looks at her blankly]
Carla: Dammit, I'm funny!


"Scrubs: My Mirror Image (#6.1)" (2006)
Carla: [J.D. tells Carla, Elliot, and Turk that Kim is pregnant] I'm sorry J.D. but you knew this could happen when you had sex.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I have to tell you guys something but you have to promise not to laugh. Ok?
[Carla, Elliot, and Turk agree]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ok, on the night of said conception, ah, Kim and I nude-ed up, and um, the dirty talk began and I got a little over excited.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oooh, She like a the dirty talk!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, I do. I find it gets the ladies going. But I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself, especially when I use some of my different voices.
Dr. Elliot Reid: He does.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anywho, there was some unexpected friendly-fire, and uh, even though I never got a chance to enter the, the village, ah, there was an air strike on one of the outlying regions.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Turk yells excitedly and Carla pulls his ear to stop him] Thank you.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anyway, I talked to the gals in O.B.G and they said it's not uncommon for a woman to get pregnant even if there was no actual penetration.
Dr. Christopher Turk: What your trying to tell us is that you never actually had sex with her?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [after a brief pause] I didn't have a condom.
[Muffled giggles from Turk, Carla, and Elliot]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And ah, we decided not to have sex because, here's the kicker, I didn't want to get her pregnant.
[Carla, Elliot, and Turk break out in hysterical laughing]

Turk: Yo, Elliot... what's your ringtone?
Dr. Elliot Reid: "Jesus, Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: I'm carrying underwood right now. See, that's funny because it's true.
[holds up his hand for a five, but Elliot looks disgusted]
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Please?

Dr. Cox: Say, Barbie, have you seen any of the interns around?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah. They did so well at rounds, I'm just letting them watch a show
[Cox turns his head and sees all the interns watching television]
Dr. Cox: Oh... hi, interns.
All the Interns: [rising their hands, still watching TV] Hi...
Dr. Cox: Look... you pretty obviously have short-circuited because the odds of you ever actually having a baby are roughly on a par with me finding the Loch Ness monster in my bathtub!
Intern: Ssst! I can't hear the TV.
Dr. Cox: Oke... ah... oh...
[Cox becomes suddenly mad and throws the TV out the window]


"Scrubs: My Own American Girl (#3.1)" (2003)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Janitor, have you ever looked at yourself and wished you were different in every single way?
The Janitor: Nah... I'm a winner.

Dr. Elliot Reid: You know what I realized when I was dragging my car door around- I cannot remember the last good thing that happened to me at this place. I mean, what is it about me that makes everybody walk all over me?
Carla: No self-confidence.
Chris Turk: You can be a baby sometimes.
J.D.: Your voice gets really high when you're upset.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [in a high voice] Rhetorical question, ok?


"Scrubs: My Best Laid Plans (#4.19)" (2005)
Elliot: So's your face!
J.D.: [Voiceover] Walked right into that one.

Elliot: You're unbelievable.
[Elliot walks away annoyed]
Janitor: You're the only one around here that treats me like a real person.
Elliot: What did you just say?
Janitor: There was one other girl a few years ago, red-haired doctor. She used to eat lunch with me, until the other residents started making fun of her. They called her 'janitor lunch-eater'. Not the most clever group. Anyway, I know that you don't think about me the way I think about you, and I never really believed that you would or that you could. But, just pretending for today somehow made me feel good for a change. I'm sorry.
Elliot: You know what, it's ok. I actually had a good time.
Janitor: [Janitor stifles a coy laugh] Thanks.
[Elliot smiles and walks off scene]
Janitor: [Janitor to himself] Elliot.
[Janitor smiles and walks in the opposite direction]


"Scrubs: My Bright Idea (#5.16)" (2006)
Elliot: Can't we just go home, put on our pj's and watch "Grey's Anatomy?"
J.D.: I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and just put them on TV.

Elliot: Dr Cox, I've got a patient with osteomyelitis who needs a bone biopsy. Who do you use?
Dr. Perry Cox: You've put me in an awkward spot because I'm a healer and I want to help, but speaking to you would acknowledge your existence, and you don't exist. So I'm going to address the stapler.
[he leans over a red stapler on the counter]
Dr. Perry Cox: Hi stapler. The red is killer... By the way, there's a Dr Brownsfield who is just the most wonderful bone guy... What?... What's that, stapler?... Oh, no, she... she's an actual doctor, ah ah...
Elliot: Neither of you are very funny!


"Scrubs: My Way or the Highway (#1.20)" (2002)
Carla: Elliot, you know how they say, "No one will ever love you until you learn to love yourself?"
Elliot: My mother used to say, "No one will ever love you."

Elliot: [about a patient] This might sound weird, but I'm in love with that guy. And if I don't sleep with him, I'm gonna kill myself! It's inappropriate to jump a patient, isn't it?
Carla: Totally.
Elliot: Have you ever done it?
Carla: Tons of times.
[Turk comes up to them]
Turk: Tons of times what, baby?
Carla: [smiling] Nothing, baby.


"Scrubs: My Long Goodbye (#6.15)" (2007)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Somebody just had a baby...
Dr. Perry Cox: How do you know?
Dr. Elliot Reid: My uterus is glowing.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: My mom had a uterus... I lived in it...

Keith: Hey Elliot. Look, I know this weekend is our one-year anniversary, but my college buddy Donny is in Vegas and he wants me to fly out.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Coolio.
Keith: All right.
[smiles and walks away; Elliot blow-kisses at him while people from hospital staff gather around and look astonished at her]
Ted Buckland: Are you for real?
dr. Doug Murphy: That's a trick, right? I mean, when he comes back from Vegas, you're gonna tear him a new one.
Dr. Elliot Reid: No... with Keith I've decided I'm going to be the best girlfriend ever. If that means skipping some silly anniversary, that's fine... if it means having some crazy sex and then running off without cuddling to go meet the fellas for a beer, great.
dr. Mickhead: I might cry...
Ted Buckland: Man, if you were just 40 year older...


"Scrubs: My Friend the Doctor (#3.8)" (2003)
Todd: Oh, so he can call you "Smelliot" but I'm not allowed to call you "Vagina Face"?
Elliot: Not the same, Todd!
Todd: HMPH!

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, I need to get Enid a birthday present.
Elliot: Ahh! When's her birthday?
Dr. Kelso: I think it was last week.
Elliot: Um... well, a scarf is always nice.
Dr. Kelso: That's perfect. It's simple; it's elegant; and it'll hide her turkey neck.


"Scrubs: My Extra Mile (#5.15)" (2006)
Dr. Christopher Turk: I'm so sick of this. If the jobs were given to whoever's the best surgeon, I would get all three of those damn spots.
Dr. Elliot Reid: It's the same on the medical side, I swear. The only reason I got that oncology rotation is because I let Dr. Morgan take me as his date to his brother's wedding.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ricky Morgan?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Mm-hmm
Dr. Christopher Turk: He works in the cafeteria.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [shocked] What?

Dr. Ricky: Dr. Reid, I need to meet you in radiology to uh, you know, go over some test results.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah, it's over Ricky.
Dr. Ricky: [takes off his white coat and looks at the janitor] I know you're stealing trays. Stop it.
[walks away]


"Scrubs: My Journey (#3.2)" (2003)
Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively TO clowns.

Elliot: Oh, so you've never dreamed about your wedding day?
Priest: [in J.D.'s daydream] Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?
Maureen McCormick: My name is Maureen McCormick.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Marcia, please.


"Scrubs: My Rule of Thumb (#3.10)" (2004)
Maggie Himsel: Don't people sometimes pay for sex?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, boy, do they. I slept with Jenny Johnson's older brother in high school, and then he decided to tell all of his friends what my orgasm face looked like.
[demonstrates strange grim]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Then three of them posed like that for their yearbook photos! Paid for that one for years.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, I think she means pay money for sex.

[Elliot and Carla treat Maggie, a patient who wants to loose her virginity before dying]
Maggie: Don't people sometimes pay for sex?
Elliot: Oh, boy, do they. I slept with Jenny Johnson's older brother in high school, and then he decided to tell all of his friends what my orgasm face looked like. Then three of them posed like that for their yearbook photos! Paid for that one for years.
Carla: Elliot, I think she means pay _money_ for sex.
Elliot: Oh, I got a story about that, too. Not about me, though, my mom... She gets lonely.


"Scrubs: My Fault (#3.20)" (2004)
J.D.: [Thinking] Maybe it's true that I'm someone who only wants what he can't have. But what if the thing I want is the girl I'm supposed to end up with?
[Out loud]
J.D.: It should be me.
Dr. Elliot Reid: What?
J.D.: Look, Elliot: Every year we bounce around this thing, and I never have the courage to stand up and tell you how I feel. I'm crazy about you. And I want you to know if I had the choice of hanging around with anyone in the entire world or staying at home with you, eating pizza and watching a crappy TV show, I'd choose you every time.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [Stunned] I... um... I have to go.
[Exits]

Dr. Elliot Reid: [Music playing] J.D., it's just so weird. I mean, my whole future was right there in front of me, and I just walked away. All because of you.
J.D.: Well, I think you made the right choice.
[They kiss]
J.D.: [Thinking] I think that the problem with most people who want what they can't have is that, when they actually get the thing they covet, they don't want it anymore. But not this guy.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [Snuggles into his shoulder] Well Dr. Dorian, you have me. You finally have me.
[Music stops suddenly]
J.D.: [Thinking] Oh, my God! I don't want her!


"Scrubs: My Lunch (#5.20)" (2006)
Todd: [Talking to Elliot and Carla after lying that he was gay] You know, I really gotta thank you gals for outing me. Chicks dig gay dudes.
Elliot: Oh, my God, I cannot believe I let you into that dressing room while I was trying on bras.
Carla: [turns to Elliot] Eewww!
Todd: That was a very special time for me.
Carla: Unbelieveable.
Elliot: [as they walk away] He saw the girls.
Todd: [Carla and Elliot are now down the hall] It's ok if you girls wanna walk away, cause I'd love to see you go. Nothing wrong with that.
[walks down the hall, looks to an intern]
Todd: Nothing wrong with that either.
[looks to a nurse]
Todd: Or that.
[Exhales]
Todd: [Janitor and The Todd meet]
Janitor: What the hell are you?
Todd: I'm the Todd
[Todd walks off]
Janitor: [makes a disgusted face]

Dr. Cox: All right, people, gather round. Here we go. Now, I'm sure we all recognize just how rare it is to get a win like this; but since we are surrounded by patients who are clinging to life, I'm going to give kudos in whisper form.
[whispering]
Dr. Cox: And since I'm an egomaniac, first props come to me; let me hear it, people.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [whispering] You are some kind of super hero.
Carla: [whispering] You're a god.
Elliot: [whispering] You're a beautiful healer.
Dr. Cox: [still whispering] This was not a complete and total solo effort; it was an extraordinary job done by each and every one of you.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I can't hear a word he's saying!
Dr. Cox: Be older, Bob.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Well, just because I can't hear your silly-ass whispering doesn't mean I'm old! Matter of fact, I'm going to my office and tinker with my new computer.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Uh, what kind is it?
Dr. Bob Kelso: It's about 3.30... Ah ah ah, I heard what he said, people; but damn, that joke's a classic.


"Scrubs: My Deja Vu, My Deja Vu (#5.22)" (2006)
Dr. Perry Cox: How's about we act like adults here and lay our cards on the table. You know that you're not exactly my favorite person in this dump, and I say that knowing full well that you feel the same way about me.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I started an "I Hate Cox" chatroom. Hasn't really worked out the way I planned - it's me, two interns, and 14,000 lesbians.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Elliot, do you ever get déjà vu around here?
Dr. Cox: Ah, Barbie, there you are! Thank God!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Unfortunately, yes...
Dr. Cox: As you know, I can't make a decision without your help, so here goes: on Oprah there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's eating disorder, but on E! there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's fabulous new Tribeca loft. Don't get me wrong, I want to watch something about Lindsay Lohan; I'm just a little lost, here.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: FYI, that loft is Lohan-tastic... it's vintage Lindsay.
Dr. Cox: Ah...
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox, when you walked away from Mrs Goldstein, anyone could've thought you were in trouble.
Dr. Cox: I had to go to the bathroom, Barbie...
[whistles]
Dr. Cox: People, from now on, if anyone needs to take a leak, please notify Dr Reid; it is a pet peeve of hers.


"Scrubs: My Cake (#4.6)" (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: Say, Barbie, for a second there, I thought you were being a little bit cold, but then you really saved it with the "
[sigh]
Dr. Perry Cox: ... 'Kay."
Dr. Elliot Reid: What are you going to do, hide from him all day and then call him "Ginger"?
Dr. Perry Cox: No. It's Monday, which of course means it's Ethnic Day, so I'll be going with Rosalita, and besides, I have a plan.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Which is?
Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, unfortunately, the first part of the plan is not to share it with people who annoy me. Want to hear the second part?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Sure
Dr. Perry Cox: I can't. My hands are tied by the first part

Dr. Elliot Reid: Why are you still antagonising him?
Dr. Perry Cox: I don't know. I can't stop.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I am warning you, you better come through for him.
Dr. Perry Cox: What do you want me to do, anyway?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Be more sensitive. Try giving him a hug.
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie... you've met be before, yes? Now, at most, I can muster one hug a year, and nine months ago I hugged my son, so: you're gonna have to do it.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Um, you saw us before, we're still awkward from the break-up.
Dr. Perry Cox: Hold the phone: are you suggesting that if I sleep with him, that I won't have to deal with problems like this? Because I'm seriously considering taking that hit.
[as Elliot walks off]
Dr. Perry Cox: I mean, honestly, what is he like in post-game? Is there spooning? Because I don't spoon, I'm not a spooner.


"Scrubs: My Lucky Charm (#4.14)" (2005)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla, I'm so bummed. I can't go see the Chamber Orchestra tonight, I totally forgot I have my Cantonese class. And I would totally call and cancel but the only thing I know how to say is "I'm allergic to peanuts."
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, Elliot, I was really looking forward to this.
The Janitor: Really? About five seconds ago you were all giddy about going home and taking a bath tonight.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why would you do that to me?
The Janitor: New thing. I'm busting chops.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [laughs defensively]
Dr. Elliot Reid: So, you just forgot we even had plans?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What's the big deal? You were flaking on them anyway.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I wasn't. I have my Cantonese class.
The Janitor: But do you? Do you really?
[Elliot makes a "What are you doing" face - Janitor shrugs]
The Janitor: Busting chops.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Fine! Well at least I remembered the plans well enough to flake on them!
[storms off down a corridor]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [shouting after her] Oh yeah? Well if I knew you were gonna flake on them, I would never have made plans to forget in the first place, because you...
Dr. Perry Cox: [has just walked in from the corridor Elliot left down] She's gone, Carla. It's over.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Where the hell have you been for the last few days?
Dr. Perry Cox: Deep sea fishing.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You hate fishing.
Dr. Perry Cox: Went with my buddies.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You don't have any buddies.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh yeah? Well we landed a 200 pound white marlin off the coast of San Diego.
The Janitor: Interesting, because that's about 3,000 miles from the natural habitat of the white marlin. Hmm, well perhaps it hopped a train from Cape Cod!
Dr. Perry Cox: Why?
The Janitor: I'm busting chops today. You can ask anybody.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's true.
The Janitor: See?

Turk: Heard you guys were fighting.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: We made up.
The Janitor: No they didn't. Chop-busting.
[dusts Turk's shoulder with a feather duster]
The Janitor: And Doc-dusting.
Turk: Well Elliot, you don't look too banged up about it. You got your arm around Carla.
Dr. Elliot Reid: My hand is stuck in this rats nest she calls hair.


"Scrubs: My Chief Concern (#8.17)" (2009)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Why would you torch Denise? You know her confidence is shot. Plus the other day you said you liked her. And I know you were just kidding around but you never said you liked me, even as a joke.
Dr. Perry Cox: I like you.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [touched] Really?
Dr. Perry Cox: No.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Nicely done.
Dr. Perry Cox: Thank you.

Jordan Sullivan: [to Ted] Hey, Sweat stain! How's it going with your girlfriend now that you guys are roomies?
Ted Buckland: Oh we're having sex like all the time.
Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Jordan Sullivan, Dr. Elliot Reid: [disgusted] Oh!
Ted Buckland: Why do people react like that when they picture me having sex?
Dr. Bob Kelso: You try it!
Ted Buckland: [horrified] OH GOD!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Not a pretty sight is it?


"Scrubs: My Urologist (#5.23)" (2006)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why are you breaking up with Keith?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look... Keith is sweet, but after watching him get walked on again this morning, I feel like I need a stronger man in my life. I want what you guys have... someone to stand up for me when I really need it, you know? Someone as confident as Turk or as brave as Dr Cox or as... I'm sorry Laverne, I don't really know your husband. What are some of Mr Roberts' good qualities?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Well, he was a roadie for Jimi Hendrix, and when it rains he carries me to the car.
Dr. Elliot Reid: And you guys have been together what... 60 years?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: I'm 48! And I'm done here.
[leaves]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Uhm... my bad... yeah...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [sobbing and crying] I don't want Keith to go... Elliot, I don't want Keith to go!
Jordan Sullivan: Aww... there, there...
[she starts to console her, then she pushes Carla's chair away. Elliot looks at her astonished]
Jordan Sullivan: What? "I'm pregnant... I'm crying... I'm laughing...". Enough already... it's boring.

Dr. Perry Cox: Could I... uh... could I have everybody's attention, please... Jordan's pregnant.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [to Jordan] Ah! You get over here, you!
Jordan Sullivan: Not a hug moment, sweetie.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [backs off] Right... yes, no...
Dr. Perry Cox: Uh...
[takes a pencil from a nurse's hands; speaks in a high-pitched voice moving the pencil in his hand as it was speaking]
Dr. Perry Cox: But, Dr Cox, here I though you and Jordan were done trying to have any more babies.
[in his normal voice]
Dr. Perry Cox: We were, but my vasectomy didn't take, which, apparently, is not that uncommon.
[in the high-pitched voice again]
Dr. Perry Cox: Holy crap, Dr Cox... that must have really pissed you off.
[in his normal voice]
Dr. Perry Cox: Yes, it did, actually. What is... what is your name?
[in the high-pitched voice again]
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, I'm any generic hospital worker who happens to ask you a question about your pregnancy and/or any baby-related issues.
[in his normal voice]
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, isn't that nice?...
[breaks the pencil in two pieces]
Dr. Perry Cox: This morality play was made possible by a generous grant from the Just See If I Was Kidding Foundation.


"Scrubs: My Hard Labor (#7.2)" (2007)
Dr. Kim Briggs: [in labor] Aaaaargh! I hate you so much right now, J.D.!
Dr. Donna: Don't worry, all women say that stuff during labor. She doesn't mean it.
Dr. Kim Briggs: I do! He just broke up with me!
Dr. Donna: What?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, no! Technically I didn't break up with her; I just told her I didn't love her.
Nurse Shirley: Who did he say that to?
Dr. Donna: The mother of his baby!
Nurse Shirley: No, he didn't...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to himself] Man, she looks familiar...
Dr. Kim Briggs: Get out!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, I'm not letting you go through this alone.
Dr. Kim Briggs: I have someone else I can call!
[Elliot's sleeping; her phone rings; she wakes up and answers]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Keith, I get it, I ruined your life. Stop calling.
[on the phone Kim cries in agony]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh hey, Kim!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] There are some images that even doctors can't stomach...
Keith: Oh... that is so gross I migh vomit...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, is it the patient with the infected neck wound?
Keith: Ugh... worse...
[Elliot arrives]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Hey guys!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] ... like the image of your ex-fiancèe.
Dr. Elliot Reid: How's it going, Keith?
Keith: You ruined my life.
[walks away]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Nice seeing you.


"Scrubs: My Big Move (#4.22)" (2005)
Dr. Elliot Reid: She's a teenage girl, that's an awkward time. You know, your breasts are growing... not always symmetrically. You like boys. Maybe one gives you a ride home, you think something's gonna happen but it doesn't and that just makes it official that you're a lop-sided freak! Happy ending though; lefty caught up in college.
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie! I have a finite amount of brain space and your inspiring story of the little breast who couldn't just pushed out my memory of the 1980 Olympic Hockey team's victory at Lake Placid. Miracle on Ice -
[whistles]
Dr. Perry Cox: gone!

Dr. Elliot Reid: [to Dr. Perry Cox] I don't have a ring, but you can kiss my ass.


"Scrubs: My Turf War (#6.18)" (2007)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Anyway, I know it's hard to believe, but when I first got to college I was a little bit of a...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Dork?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Geek?
Dr. Bob Kelso: [passing by] Good-time Sally who gave it away for free?
Melody O'Harra: I was the tramp, you old bitch!
Dr. Bob Kelso: [walking away] Liking her...


"Scrubs: My New Game (#4.3)" (2004)
J.D.: Hey, uh, you need to move your car - it's my day to have the parking spot
Elliot: J.D., you have a scooter! Why do you even need a parking spot?
J.D.: Mmmm, it sends a message.


"Scrubs: My Last Day (#1.24)" (2002)
Jordan: Look, I don't know where your mother was when she should have been telling you all of these things, but you cannot have sex with someone you care about. Sex is for making babies and revenge.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, you're so full of it.
Jordan: Listen, stick. If you want to wipe your nose and pretend that was a sneeze, I will play along, but if you have something to say, say it.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Everybody knows you're still sleeping with Dr. Cox, and it can't be about making babies 'cause you'd probably just end up eating them anyway. And, as for revenge, I'm not sure that driving to his apartment and pleasuring him while he watches SportsCenter is hurting him as much as you might think. So, I have to figure that you still care about him whether you want to admit it or not and if you lay one finger on me I'm blowing my rape whistle.


"Scrubs: My Dirty Secret (#3.9)" (2003)
Dr. Elliot Reid: I honestly don't mind that you're making fun of me but what does bother me is that no one is ever allowed to make fun of you.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: People can make fun of me.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [scoffs] Come on, what about that delivery guy yesterday? I mean, you practically tore him a new binglebore.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: But he's not my friend. My friends can make fun of me whenever they want.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really? Well in that case you're a know-it-all smartypants and if you're not telling someone what to do, you're probably not talking.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Okay, I guess I can be a little bossy.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: A little? Girl, please. If you met Jesus hisself, you'd be trying to tell him where to park his donkey.
J.D.: Oh, are we allowed to do this now? What about that whole like, hands on the hips Carla from the block thing she does when she's mad when she's like
[imitating]
J.D.: "oh Bambi, you do not want to mess with me right now."
Dr. Doug Murphy: [laughs] You do sound like that.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [with her hand on her hip] Careful, Doug, we are not that close yet.
Dr. Elliot Reid, J.D.: [laughing and mocking] Careful, Doug. Doug, wussup. Doug, you better be careful. Mm-hmm. 'Cause I'm Carla.


"Scrubs: My Perspective (#6.9)" (2007)
Dr. Elliot Reid: He took care of you when you were wallowing on your couch drinking scotch like it was vodka.
Dr. Perry Cox: I accidentally killed three people. He got arrested for pushing a scooter and he passes out when he poos.


"Scrubs: My Choosiest Choice of All (#3.19)" (2004)
J.D.: How could you do this to me?
Elliot: Do what?
J.D.: I don't know, come over to my house, sleep with me and the dump me the minute Sean shows up so I'd feel like a complete loser.
Elliot: Oh, you seem real crushed, I mean, you jumped into bed with Danny so quick you didn't have time to change the sheets.
J.D.: You know I only have one set.


"Scrubs: My Butterfly (#3.16)" (2004)
Todd Quinlan: I've got a pink doggy. But it's not little.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Todd, if you show me your penis, I will take it off you.
Todd Quinlan: Cool.


"Scrubs: My Roommates (#4.18)" (2005)
Dr. Elliot Reid: I cannot believe what I just heard!
Dr. Perry Cox: The tick-tocking of your biological clock leading you to the corner of Celibate and Spinster way?


"Scrubs: My Buddy's Booty (#5.11)" (2006)
Elliot: J.D. can't we just go home, put on our pjs and watch Grey's Anatomy.
J.D.: Oh, how I do love that show. It is like they have been watching our lives, and put it on tv.


"Scrubs: My Chopped Liver (#5.17)" (2006)
Jordan: You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.
Elliot: You don't like Cox?
Jordan: Actually I love Cox.
Todd: [walks up, knocks on table] Greatest conversation ever.


"Scrubs: My Tormented Mentor (#3.15)" (2004)
Turk: Dr. Miller accused me of being sexist. Me! I'm marrying Carla - who do you think wears the pants? And the shirts... and the shoes... and sometimes my underwear.
Elliot: Really?
Turk: I said nothing.


"Scrubs: His Story III (#5.19)" (2006)
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Wow... aren't you the big bad ass attending?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah, well, it's time for them to sink or swim. I got to where I am on my own, OK?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Nobody helped you out in the beginning, huh?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox was my attending. He was nice enough to keep track of the times he made me cry.
Dr. Cox: [passing by, counting and moving his fingers] 27, counting this morning.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Mh... yeah. I'm PMSing and he made fun of my shoes.


"Scrubs: My New Old Friend (#2.12)" (2003)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Look, Elliot, I...
Dr. Perry Cox: Ah damn! I missed the annual sleepover, didn't I? That wonderful time of year when you two crazy kids throw caution to the wind and make sweet, elbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy! You can tell Uncle Coxy about the naught-ay!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox, I lost my apartment and so I was just needing a place to stay...
Dr. Perry Cox: so you went over to your "friend"'s house and cried on his shoulder, boo-hoo... wham! You
[to JD]
Dr. Perry Cox: , of course, comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable and blah, blah, blah, nerdy sex... the end. Dear Lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Are you kidding? If he turns out to be her brother, this is better than my stories.
Dr. Perry Cox: [going away] Oh, you're so right...


"Scrubs: My Mentor (#1.2)" (2001)
Elliot: [looking at a picture] When did you meet Morgan Freeman?
Turk: That's my mom.


"Scrubs: My House (#6.4)" (2007)
Dr. Bob Kelso: Dr Reid, I thought I would just stop in and say goodbye.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Why? I'll still be working here.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Yes, but you won't be working for Sacred Heart, the place that spent a fortune training you, only to have you take off for greener pastures. You're like a prostitute that gets paid up-front and then bolts from the restaurants after dinner. It's about common courtesy, Reid... whether to your boss or to a kind-hearted John who's given you a lot of business over the years. So goodbye, Miss Mei Ling of Gentle Oriental Escorts, and goodbye, Dr Reid: I won't be speaking to either of you ever again.


"Scrubs: My Hypocritical Oath (#4.15)" (2005)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Kelso, I've thought about it and I am not going to just stand around and wait for Mr Cheng to die.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Excuse me?
Dr. Perry Cox: Are you kidding me? Barbie going toe to toe with Big Bob in a battle of the annoying? Well, happy birthday to me!
[catches a lamp and uses it as a radio microphone in his following lines]
Dr. Elliot Reid: We should do an exchange transfusion.
Dr. Perry Cox: And the southpaw with the blond bangs and big britches comes out s-winging!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Sweetheart, the man is 72 and in multisystem organ dysfunction. It's done. It's parasites 1, person 0! And if you tell that family he's got a chance, all you're doing is raising their hopes.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oooh! Tremendous body blow!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Oh, and for the record... we're not colleagues. I don't care what you think.
Dr. Perry Cox: [now using the lamp as a ring microphone] Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! And the fight goes to the stocky middleweight from Monroeville, Pennsylvania!
Dr. Bob Kelso: By the way, Perry, Mickhead called in sick. I need you to work tonight.
Dr. Perry Cox: [letting fall the lamp on the desk] Why, here, that's all and good, but I'm not available!


"Scrubs: My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby (#6.2)" (2006)
Turk: Is he coming? Is he coming?
Elliot: Turk, she's barely in labor.
[Pointing at Carla]
Carla: He's not talking about the baby.
[J.D. enters]
Turk: He's here, and now we can have our baby!


"Scrubs: My Day Off (#1.9)" (2001)
Patient: If it'll make you feel any better, I'm uncomfortable with this whole 'touchy-feely' culture anyway.
Elliot: Thank you!
Patient: That whole 'kiss hello' thing... Ew!
Elliot: Yeah, I don't like anyone touching me unless we're gonna have sex. Even then, I don't want them to overdo it.
Patient: So, where in Connecticut are you from?


"Scrubs: My Advice to You (#3.6)" (2003)
Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox turns off the T.V and the med students "awww" in disappointment] Fine. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you how it ends: Dr. Phil says,
[Dr. Phil impression]
Dr. Cox: "And how... is that working out... for you?" And the big fat lady cries, "Wah." All right, I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of residency director considering my disdain for, well... all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this God-forsaken hell-hole.
Elliot: [impressed] Hm
Dr. Cox: It's all about the four dollars, trust me. And seeing as my money is contingent on you lemmings actually doing your jobs, I would say that now is a pretty good time for you to scurry on back to work so that I can continue to afford the antidepressants that keep me so damn jolly.
[laughs weakly]
Dr. Cox: GO!


"Scrubs: My Last Chance (#4.8)" (2004)
J.D.: If you bring sarcasm my way, baby, prepare to be stung.
Elliot: J.D...
J.D.: So's your face.
Elliot: That doesn't even make any sense.
J.D.: 'So's your face' always makes sense.
Carla: J.D., that's stupid.
J.D.: So's your face! Man, I am on fire, hello.


"Scrubs: My Porcelain God (#3.13)" (2004)
Dr. Kevin Casey: Damn roof toilet's got my number.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Can't lick it, huh?
Dr. Kevin Casey: Oh, God, no! I can't even sit on it!


"Scrubs: My Rite of Passage (#5.2)" (2006)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Carla, I didn't want you to come here because... well... Look, there's so much great about you - you're smart, you're loyal, you've absolutely shattered all of my preconceived notions about chicanos!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot? Bring it.
Dr. Elliot Reid: You're a bit of a gossip.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: So? I'm interested in people's stories!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Thanks to you, for the rest of my career I have the world's worst nickname!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Bankfarter's not so bad. It sounds German!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, verdammt noch mal. Nimm meine Leute nicht auf den Arm, Carla!


"Scrubs: My Moment of Un-Truth (#3.17)" (2004)
Dr. Bob Kelso: Dr Reid, why are you using standard macrolides to treat your patient instead of Clo-Veritol?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Uhm... ehm...
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh! Clo-Veritol is a drug? No, honestly, Bob, here I was under the impression that it was a travel agency, what with all the free golf trips they've gone ahead and sent you on.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I'll have you note that I do not authorize any drug for this hospital that I haven't personally researched.
Dr. Elliot Reid: What did the research for Clo-Veritol say, sir?
Dr. Bob Kelso: ..."When life's not fair... at all... use Clo-Veritol".
[leaves. Elliot smiles satisfied]
Dr. Perry Cox: Check out Barbie boo-hottie slamming Big Bob... that a girl!
Dr. Elliot Reid: I have spent the last three years in this hospital getting pushed around because I'm little Barbie from Connecticut. But there's a new toy in town and her name is Bitch-Slap Barbie... from... Connecticut...
Dr. Perry Cox: Still, let's remember that you can't even drive the doctor-car without big daddy sitting right there besides you, because you went ahead and accidentally gave the patient over in bed 4 macrolides and opiates, two medications that, I guarantee you, are gonna make her nauseous.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [scoffs] My patient is fine, and I don't need you...
[sound of the patient vomiting]
Dr. Perry Cox: I roughly think that would be the faint sound of your patient vomiting; you may be having trouble hearing it over the much louder sound of me being right yet again. Ooooh...
[Elliot leaves; Cox looks over himself and sighs]
Dr. Perry Cox: God! My brilliance is now becoming a bit of a burden. Get back to me.


"Scrubs: My Super Ego (#1.7)" (2001)
Carla: [about a male intern] You're right; he definitely has a cute little butt.
Elliot: It's almost like it's been sculpted.
J.D.: Who cares? Everyone has a cute butt; I have a cute butt.
Carla: You should bring it in someday.


"Scrubs: My Case Study (#2.3)" (2002)
Mrs. Kellerman: Besides, can you two honestly say there's not one thing you'd change about yourself if you could?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I can honestly say that.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Me too.
Mrs. Kellerman: Then you're both liars.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: [entering room] Hey, Mrs. K. Let's get you into a fresh pair of blouse bunnies.


"Scrubs: My Manhood (#7.8)" (2008)
Elliot: [after walking into the Mens bathrooms because the Ladies is being cleaned; she is reading off of the bathroom stall walls] "Rate Dr. Reid's butt"?... Yes! 9.2! Thank God this Hospital's full of white guys.
Dr. Kelso: Don't be pleased with that 9.2. That's out of 100.


"Scrubs: My Bed Banter & Beyond (#1.15)" (2002)
Elliot: Are you following me?
Todd: No. You wanna go out some time?
Elliot: With you?
Todd: Me and a bottle of Jagermeister.
Elliot: No. No, Todd, I don't. But I don't want you to think it's because I just broke up with someone, or that I'm a lesbian, or because I want to preserve our friendship. It's because I find you so creepy, I think you should walk around with a bell around your neck.
Todd: All I heard was "lesbian."


"Scrubs: My Best Moment (#4.12)" (2004)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Parlez-vous Français?
[Translation: Do you speak French? ]
Turk: You know, I did learn a little when my high school class went to France, but that was just stuff to pick up chicks.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Turk, je crois que Tyler se sentirais mieux s'il pouvait observer l'opération, d'accord?
[Translation: I really think it would make Tyler feel better if he could watch, OK? ]
Turk: J'ai... euh... Tour d'Eiffel pantalon.
[Translation: I have... an... Eiffel Tower... in my pants. ]
Dr. Elliot Reid: What?
Turk: Pamplemousse!
[Translation: Grapefruit! ]


"Scrubs: My Nickname (#1.10)" (2001)
Dr. Cox: Everyone, we can all relax now. The planets have been realigned and order shall be returned to the people.
[to Elliot]
Dr. Cox: Hey, you!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Just... give me two seconds, gotta finish e-mailing Jill.
Dr. Cox: I have right here your little friend's test results. Shall we have some fun and take a look?
[opens the chart and read it]
Dr. Cox: Hmm, interesting! EKG negative; Tilt Table negative; Echo negative. Nyet, nada, zilch, nothing in fact is wrong with her but little stress and exhaustion, brought on mostly by... oh, let it come... being her!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah, but if you don't...
Dr. Cox: No no, no no, no no, no no, no no, no no no... No! There's no time for "Yeah, buts". I want her out of here in the next five minutes or you'll be personally responsible for covering every missed shift during this year's flu season. Now go! Now go! Now go!
[Elliot goes, J.D. arrives; Cox whistles at him]
Dr. Cox: Hey you! For what it's worth I don't care if your beeper plays "Who let the dogs out? Hoof, hoof!" as many times as you like.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Actually, sir, it's "who, who"... but thank you, that... that's great.
Dr. Cox: Sure. Oh, and Ginger, by the way... just a real smooth move running to your mommy...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, your mommy c-rushed me. She did. I'd like to issue a warning to everybody, and I'm dead serious. FYI: J.D.'s mommy has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want her daughter picked on any more. Nothing mean. She's a precious flower and we should all be super nice to her...


"Scrubs: My ABC's (#8.5)" (2009)
Dr. Elliot Reid: I wonder if they found a new head of medicine yet?
The Janitor: Actually, they found one this morning.
Oscar the Grouch: All right, you knuckleheads! Shape up! I'm watching you, John Dorian, and guess what? My eyes never close!
The Janitor: Mine neither.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [back to reality] I grew up on the street. Not the hood. Sesame Street.


"Scrubs: My Changing Ways (#4.25)" (2005)
J.D.: [thinking] Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it...
Elliot: [when JD walks by Elliot and Carla] Carla, I can sense you're upset, talk to me!
J.D.: [looks confused, the continues walking and thinks] OK, but Turk is a prideful guy and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive
Dr. Cox: [when JD walks by Dr. Cox and Jordan] Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive...
J.D.: [looking back to the hallway, thinking] Touché, magic hallway!


"Scrubs: My Musical (#6.6)" (2007)
Patti: [singing] What's going to happen? / What does the future hold? / So many things that I've put off / Assuming I'd have time / Assuming I'd grow old. / What's going to happen? / And will I be alive tomorrow? / What's going to happen... / To me?
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] You're going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, The Janitor, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Doug Murphy, Ted Buckland: That's what's going to happen. / Everything's okay. / We're right here beside you / We won't let you slip away. / Plan for tomorrow / 'Cause we swear to you, / You're going to be okay.
Patti: I'm going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's what's going to happen.
Patti: Everything's okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso: Everything's okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Bob Kelso: We would never leave you.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: Right here we will stay. / Plan for tomorrow, / 'Cause we swear to you / You're going to be okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [last sung line of the episode] We hope.
Dr. Perry Cox: Shhhhhh.


"Scrubs: My Road to Nowhere (#6.8)" (2007)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: All right, Mr Mariani... Mazel tov, you are the proud owner of yet another kidney stone! Did you try to lay off the read meat, buddy?
Mr. Mariani: I'm trying, Doc, but it's hard.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [holding and looking at the ultrasound machine] Oh, man... Kim's having her first ultrasound tomorrow.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Wow... there's nothing like that first ultrasound. Bring tissue.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Are you kidding me? I can't just up and leave. I gotta find an apartment; I live in a teepee...
Dr. Elliot Reid: [harmonizing] Do-ho-ho-ri-an!
[normally speaking]
Dr. Elliot Reid: You have been wrong about so many things that I'm not even going to say something's "wrong" any more... instead, I'm gonna say "It's Dorian". And the fact that you'd be willing to skip seeing that child's heartbeat for the first time is just plain Dorian! I mean, hell! Jordan's having her second ultrasound and I couldn't be more giddy; I can't wait to find out the sex of that unborn tax break.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Jordan doesn't let you know the sex until the baby's born.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dorian again. I don't know if it's the hormones or if the baby is actually eating the bitch cells; but Jordan has softened. In fact, last night... she... she asked me to cuddle...


"Scrubs: My Scrubs (#6.13)" (2007)
Elliot: Oh, you think you're funny?
Dr. Cox: I do. I always have, ever since I was little. It's one of the reasons that I'm a winner.


"Scrubs: My Drug Buddy (#1.14)" (2002)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Never did sleep with her, did you?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No. But why does that matter?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Because I was jealous.


"Scrubs: My First Step (#2.7)" (2002)
Elliot: I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should send her to surgery.
J.D.: No, don't send her to surgery. I'll tell you what to do. You wait and see. And I know I'm right 'cause I'm a wait-and-see kinda guy. You know Elliot in modern medicine we're faced with tough decisions almost everyday...
Elliot: You're amazing.
J.D.: Well, amazing's sort of a strong word, I just show up and let the lord work through me.
Elliot: You actually think you're a better doctor than me.


"Scrubs: My Brother, Where Art Thou? (#3.5)" (2003)
Dr. Bob Kelso: Why are you here?
Dr. Elliot Reid: My boyfriend is in New Zealand for six months; if I don't moonlight, I'm never gonna have enough money to see him.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: My wedding's costing twice as much as I thought, and would I need the extra cash.
Ted Buckland: Baxter won't get out of my chair!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Dr Kelso, even though we're understaffed and underpaid I've been working here for ten years. I mean, all day long all I hear is "Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla... Carla... Carla...".
Dr. Elliot Reid: Sir, what... w-w-what Carla is saying, and not in any kind of crazy or rambling sort of way, is that we work hard here in the hospital, but it's not the only thing in our lives.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Surely you must know what it's like to love someone so much that you'd do anything you had to?
Dr. Bob Kelso: [breaths heavily] I'll see you two in the morning... Now get out of my office before I change my mind.
[Carla and Elliot leave; Ted remains. Kelso picks up the phone and makes a call]
Dr. Bob Kelso: Darling, I wanna say something. For the past 25 years we've been going through the motions; once every couple of weeks we have sex and then we have breakfast without saying a word... Well, tonight I want you to put on a nice dress because I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years. I love you too...
[hangs up]
Ted Buckland: That was beautiful, sir...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Thanks Ted. Call my wife, tell her I won't be home tonight.


"Scrubs: My Lucky Night (#3.4)" (2003)
Dr. Elliot Reid: [to herself] What's wrong with me? Here I am, trying not to let fear rule my life anymore, and then... Sean moves away and i don't even have the guts to tell him how I feel...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to himself] ... how I feel. I mean, life's too short not to go for it with Elliot. Plus, now Sean's out of the picture. Stop being such a chicken!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [to himself] Stop being suck a chicken! I know it's a complicated procedure, but I can do it without Carla, there. What am I so scared of?
Dr. Perry Cox: [to himself] What am I so scared of? That I might actually get this job and have no one to blame it on if I fail? Good Lord, I'm pathetic... When was the last time...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [to herself] When was the last time he ever apologized for anything? I wanna help him, I do... but in a lot of ways I guess I'm as stubborn as he is. I wish I could make sense out of this...
The Janitor: [to himself] I wish I could make sense out of this. 30 cents, to be exact... damn riddle! Easy, Janitor... you'll get this.


"Scrubs: My Coffee (#6.3)" (2006)
Dr. Elliot Reid: So, you're having chest pains, Mr Turner.
Dr. Turner: Actually, it's Dr Turner.
Dr. Elliot Reid: You look like somebody I used to date. I had a brief "older guy" jones, but now I'm with someone more age-appropriate and I'm like "Whoa, what was I thinking?".
Dr. Turner: Uhm, we are disgusting...
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah! But for some reason I was curious.


"Scrubs: My Ocardial Infarction (#4.13)" (2005)
The Janitor: Well, it-it - you know the only reason I was wearing the suit at all was because our, uh, a cappella band was... practicing.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, that's great! What's your band's name?
The Janitor: Uh... It's, uh, Hibbleton. Yeah, yeah. And, um, I don't think it's going too far to say that we're the best hospital employee band in town.
Ted Buckland, Roy, Crispin, Randall: [in four-part harmony] Oh, really?


"Scrubs: My Sex Buddy (#2.11)" (2003)
Dr. Cox: Oh, joy. I get to work on Mrs. Credin with the Wonder Twins. Dear Lord, what in thy most Holy Name have I done to offend thee so?
Elliot: My brother Bradley and I used to always pretend that we were the Wonder Twins. He would always become "form of a dragon" and then I would want to be a dragon too, but he said I'd be something made of water, so I'd be like "shape of an ice dragon"! And then he would say that I was copying him and he'd breath on me and I'd have to melt, but it was still *so* awesome.
Dr. Cox: That's funny, I don't recall asking for a really
[x10]
Dr. Cox: , ree-heeely boring story. My God, Barbie! Don't you understand no one cares?
Turk: I care.
Dr. Cox: Correction: no one important cares.


"Scrubs: My Best Friend's Mistake (#1.3)" (2001)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox.
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm hoping for your sake there's another Dr Cox sitting right behind me.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I feel stupid but... sending me to Kelso like that, well... I'm not sure what you were trying to teach me.
Dr. Perry Cox: The value, and this is important, of leaving me alone.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I think we both know there's more to it than that.
Dr. Perry Cox: No, no, there's not! Look, I want you to go ahead and spread the word, missy: I've had enough! The next whiny intern that comes in here looking at me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic one-woman freak show, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist; because if you're so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine
[!]
Dr. Perry Cox: over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brain ship because he's drunk at the wheel!
Dr. Elliot Reid: You're right... I need to learn to pick my battles! Thank you sir!
[leaves the room]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...You're welcome.


"Scrubs: My Waste of Time (#7.10)" (2008)
[Elliot and J.D. are meeting a patient in a fast food parking lot]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why are we meeting him here?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Because the last time I met a patient at their house, I ended up on the news.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Was that the crack raid?
Dr. Elliot Reid: It was.


"Scrubs: My Fallen Idol (#5.21)" (2006)
Carla: All right, people, listen up! We are a family, and what do families do when one of their own is in trouble?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh! When my brother Barry came out of the closet, my parents send him to hetero-camp.
Carla: Families who aren't from Connecticut.


"Scrubs: My Boss's Free Haircut (#4.20)" (2005)
J.D.: Why can't Carla just let this go?
Elliot: Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his exgirlfriend?
J.D.: Yeah, but mostly because I had a husband