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Dr. Elliot Reid (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)

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"Scrubs: My Office (#4.2)" (2004)

Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Cox is naming ass-face, here, at 3. It's too late.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Well maybe it's not too late.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah it is, Carla.
Dr. Molly Clock: Maybe it's not.
Dr. Elliot Reid: You know what, you're right, Molly. Maybe it isn't!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What the hell?
Dr. Christopher Turk: They're all against you!

J.D.: Hey, when Elliot asked you if she could run for chief resident and you said "why not," that was just a goof, right?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Cox. Ran all those tests on Mr. Landisman.
Dr. Cox: Top-notch work, there, Barbie! She's good! She's very, very, very good! Now, sorry, where were we?
J.D.: I am a medical professional, and you are not gonna get me to compete with Elliot.
Dr. Cox: Well, Jo-Jo, right now she's winning.
J.D.: Let me know how to get back on top. I'll do anything, even if it means I have to kill somebody!
Dr. Cox: Well, you could start by getting the lightbulb out of this genius's pooper. Impress me.
J.D.: Oh, I'll impress you!

Dr. Elliot Reid: Yes, I'm happy! But I'd be happier if I didn't have to share the job with such a jerk!
J.D.: Elliot. I can hear you.
Dr. Molly Clock: You guys, the situation would be perfect for my study.
J.D.: Oh, no.
J.D.: Don't worry, Johnny. Everyone's gonna be anonymous, I'm only using initials. You'll be "J.D."

Dr. Elliot Reid: Don't worry, I just came to check on my patients.
J.D.: Do whatever you want, just don't come over to my area.
Dr. Elliot Reid: You couldn't pay me to come over to your area.
J.D.: Well, I wouldn't pay you.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Well, you don't have enough money.
J.D.: It just so happens I have a rich uncle who'd do anything for me, but I'd never call in that favor just to pay you to come over to my area!

J.D.: Can you imagine us trying to do that three years ago?
Dr. Elliot Reid: [laughing] I know. Remember our first code?
J.D.: Well, I remember hiding in a supply closet.
Dr. Elliot Reid: That's the one
J.D.: [narrating] Ultimately, conflict is resolved by remembering why you were friends in the first place.

J.D.: I miss this. This, like, hanging out, you know?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Me too.
J.D.: We should go get coffee.
Dr. Elliot Reid: We're having coffee.
J.D.: No, no, I mean like, like outside coffee - real world coffee.The point is, we should... hang out outside the hospital sometime.
Dr. Elliot Reid: J.D., I still need time. I know that's gonna be hard for you because you like to fix everything right way, but... you just do the best you can, okay?
J.D.: Is it fixed now?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Nope.

"Scrubs: My Day at the Races (#5.3)" (2006)

Dr. Cox: Jordan, here's the plan: I'm gonna go ahead and and cram an entire evening's worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one - I've worked with her before - she has no off button.
Carla: [to Elliot] If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?
Jordan: Who's Jake?
Dr. Cox: Jordan!... No!
Elliot: He's this guy that I've been going out with for a while, but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off, you know?
Jordan: [Pointing at Cox behind her hand] Uh, sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?
Dr. Cox: Jordan Godzilla Sullivan! You stop that, and you stop it now!
Jordan: Why don't you try talking to humans for once? You might enjoy it!
Carla: Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up? You know like Turk can be a little... immature - you know, like I always have to talk about my feelings over dinner or shut off his iPod during sex. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.
Dr. Cox: Or... maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on fifty pounds, start collecting knick-knacks and meet your future now. You know... before the loneliness burns too much?
[Hopping in his seat]
Dr. Cox: Wooooo-ohhhhh!
[Laughing]
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I did enjoy that!

Elliot: How's it goin'?
J.D.: Well, my bike is rusty, I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they first touched water, and the only thing I've had to eat all day is a half a jellyfish. Why are you here?
Elliot: Can I talk to you about Jake?
J.D.: It's a dangerous topic. Talk to Carla.
Elliot: Yeah, anytime I talk to Carla about a guy, she tells me to marry him so the four of us can go to dinner together.

Elliot: This Jake thing is still really bothering me.
J.D.: Elliot, you know our rules.
Elliot: Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Who wants to have a superficial friendship? I mean, God, do you remember how close we used to be? Dealing with Dr. Cox, dealing with our screwed-up families, talking about everything? I miss that.
J.D.: This is working.
Elliot: Not for me! I wanna be able to tell you that my boyfriend really freaked me out.
J.D.: Well, if he freaked you out, why don't you go talk to him?

J.D.: All right, fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You're just like me. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life. But instead of running a triathlon, you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with. And you know as well as I do, one of these days he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that; and you wanna know why? It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?
Elliot: You're pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes.

J.D.: Elliot, I'm thirty years old; I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.
Elliot: Why don't you just move into my place?
J.D.: Oh, great, then we'll be two losers under one roof.

"Scrubs: My Quarantine (#4.16)" (2005)

Carla: You know, on a first date, I could see what a guy was wearing and know exactly how far he was gonna get that night.
Elliot: Oh, me, too. And THAT guy's gettin' boobies!
[J.D. removes jacket, revealing his button up shirt to be short sleeved]
Elliot: Whooooa! THAT guy's gettin' a hug at the door!
[J.D. removes button up to reveal an Electric Boogie belly shirt]
Elliot: And THAT guy is getting a fake name and a phone number with six digits!
J.D.: I know how ridiculous this looks.
Carla: I don't think you do!

Elliot: J.D., seeing a young doctor do his job is an amazing turn-on for a girl! My dad's a doctor and I remember how I excited I was the first time I saw him work in the hospital. I mean, I didn't want to sleep with him, but there were definitely some complicated feelings... But that's totally normal for an eleven-year-old, right? Anyway, yeah... I forget.

Elliot: So, how's it going with Kylie?
[J.D. motions toward Kylie, who's asleep in a chair]
J.D.: This sucks! I need to look like a stud and a doctor can't look like a stud unless he's saving somebody's life. I need someone to have a heart attack!
[Homeless Steve appears]
Homeless Steve: Got twenty bucks?

Elliot: I had this one first date where the guy took me to play paintball. All he does the whole time is shoot me in the face!... After two years with that guy, I'm like, "That's enough," ya know?

[standing at a patient bed over the homeless patient who threatened to expose the fake-heart-attack ruse]
Elliot: Wow - he is *really* out.
J.D.: A mild sedative "fell" into his juice box.

"Scrubs: My Big Bird (#5.8)" (2006)

Dr. Bob Kelso: Who's a whore?
Dr. Elliot Reid: That'd be me, sir.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Oh, of course.

Dr. Elliot Reid: I was making out with a married man while his sick child slept a few feet away. Oh my god! I've become my mother!

Keith: What are you doing?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Don't look at me! Keith, you see the woman standing outside?
[Keith mistakes a fat old woman for the "woman" Elliot meant]
Keith: Yeah, i see her.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I made out with her husband this morning
Keith: That's disgusting

Mrs. Wilk: Dr Reid, why are you hiding? You didn't do anything wrong.
Dr. Elliot Reid: If we all win this lottery, I am using this money to find a decent man.

Dr. Cox: Wait, wait, let me get on in this! Let's also have a toast to Mr Forster's widow and his fatherless kids.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox, it wasn't our fault.
Dr. Cox: Because you are lucky! You know as well as I do, it could have been any one of your faults. Congrats again! Have a well party!

"Scrubs: My Female Trouble (#4.10)" (2004)

Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie, the guy's a sexist pig. He's gonna eat you alive.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, I'm not the same doctor I was four years ago. I'm smarter, I'm more confident...
Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just skip the rest of your "I'll show you speech" and just walk away in a huff. I'm very busy. Thank you!

Mr. Summers: When the hell am I getting out of here?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Reid thought you might ask that and he had an answer for you. Shut your cakehole!

Jordan Sullivan: Elliot, if you can handle that sexist dirtbag in there, you can certainly handle Perry.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Why are you being so nice to me?
Jordan Sullivan: Okay, Perry occasionally talks to me at home, and he told me that you don't need him as much anymore, and it annoys the hell out of him, which of course gives me endless enjoyment.

Jordan Sullivan: You are so much stronger than all the other idiot residents around here.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Jordan? I need you to break up with someone for me.
Jordan Sullivan: Really.

Dr. Elliot Reid: So, how are we feeling, Mr. Summers?
Mr. Summers: I feel like my ex-wife is standing on my chest and not the pretty one. The fat one that had all my kids.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Fantastic! I'd like to start by...
Mr. Summers: Listen, Goldilocks. Unless the next three words out of your mouth are some combination of sponge, bath, and my big white ass, I'm not interested.

"Scrubs: My Missed Perception (#5.6)" (2006)

Dr. Elliot Reid: I should have just believed Mr Peele. I mean, it's not like somebody just poos their pants for no reason.
J.D.: Turk did that in college on a bet.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Carla didn't know that story, thank you.

Dr. Elliot Reid: [on her not wanting to be in Sacred Hearts annual staff picture] Yeah, I don't photograph well. On my drivers' licence photo, I look like Gary Busey.
Gary Busey: Huh, they say the same thing about me.
[chuckles]

Dr. Elliot Reid: Ohh, Roland's gonna be mad.
J.D.: Oh well. He's 6, what's he gonna do? Kick my ass?
[thinking]
J.D.: Again?

Dr. Elliot Reid: Frick, it's Mrs. Peele. One of us has to talk to her.
Dr. Christopher Turk: All right, the first one who chugs their slushie is off the hook. Come on, here we go!
[he takes a big sip of his slushie]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Owww! Brain Freeze!
Mrs. Peele: Why is my husband being discharged?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Mrs Peele. We really can not judge...
Dr. Christopher Turk: [screaming] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Dr. Elliot Reid: [embarrased, to Turk] Come on!
Dr. Christopher Turk: It's so cold!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Mrs Peele, even though Dr Turk is currently incapacitated by his cherry flavored bawl he's a fantastic surgeon.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [giving her the thumbs up, still in pain] Uh-huh.
Dr. Elliot Reid: He didn't find anything and I am a great doctor...
[Turk makes signs which tell that Elliot is not such a great doctor]
Dr. Elliot Reid: - and I didn't either. Don't you think that, maybe, the pain could all be in his head?
Mrs. Peele: Last week, we were watching TV and he was in too much pain to get up and use to bathroom. So he soiled himself, on the couch, right in front of our son. How do you explain that?
Dr. Christopher Turk: [normal again] Maybe there was a really good game on television.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Probably not.

"Scrubs: My New God (#5.5)" (2006)

Elliot: Uh, what's with the second beeper?
Turk: Carla gave it to me. She's got me on 24-hour baby-making alert. Man, we haven't had sex since her last ovulation. Did you know that women only do that once a month?
J.D.: Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor.
[thinking]
J.D.: Once a month? That's crazy!
Elliot: I don't know why I even bother ovulating. Little Hailey doesn't have a chance this month. I name my eggs - big frick. Last month it was Cassy
J.D.: Oh Cassy's pretty!
Elliot: Oh, she would have been, J.D. She would have been.

Turk: Aw, dammit, I gotta go have ovulation sex again.
J.D.: Are you actually complaining about getting to have sex? Because that is so insensitive, Turk!
Turk: J.D.!
J.D.: Let me feel my feelings, Turk! We worked on this!
[J.D. storms off]
Turk: I've really gotta stop doing that!
Elliot: You can talk to me if you want?
Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex.I don't understand any of that crazy gibberish you use. Penis is schwing-something...
Elliot: Schwing-schwong, peepers, or peep.
Turk: Right. And vagina is...?
Elliot: Disgusting! But also bajingo or hoo-hoo.

Elliot: Turk! Just go back to the way things were. Carla loved it. Don't you get it? Trying to make a baby with you is the sexiest thing in the world to her.
Turk: Elliot, I'm a man. I've been programmed to think that a baby is the worst possible consequence of sex

Turk: I just don't understand why we can't have fun while making a baby.
Carla: I am just so glad you have to hurt my feelings to have fun.
Turk: I can't believe you! Wha - Calm down!
Carla: Great, that's really nice for you. "Calm down"? I'm gonna kill you!
Turk: [to God] You hear that? She's gonna kill me! Get her.
Elliot: Okay, look, you two stop fighting or I will turn this church around.

"Scrubs: Her Story (#4.5)" (2004)

J.D.: Half of what rappers say doesn't make any sense. Like that Snoop Dogg Dr.Dre song? What is "still hittin' them corners and those ho-hos girl" mean?
Turk: Many diadvantaged African-Americans have limited nutritional choices, therefore they must subsist of Ho-Ho snack cakes. It's a black thing, bra.
Dr. Clock: Actually, Turk, it's "still hittin' them corners and those low-lows girl". It's low-lows, not ho-hos.
Elliot: See, Turk, in the hood, a low-low is a low rider, or a car with an adjusted suspension which allows it to bounce up and down.
[Elliot and Molly both inmitate bouncing]
J.D.: [laughs] Ha-ha-ha.
Elliot: And Dre and Snoop like driving around together in their low riders around the corners, or lizzle-rizzles.
[starts rapping]
Elliot: I'm representin' for them gangsters all across the world!
Dr. Clock: Still hittin' them corners and them low-lows girls!
Elliot, Dr. Clock: I'm takin' my time to perfect the beat, and I still got love for da street!
Carla: Turk, you just got schooled on rap by the two whitest chicks in America!
Turk: None of you can prove it.
J.D.: I got it on tape.
Elliot, Dr. Clock: Whicka, whicka, whicka.
[imitating scratching discs]

Dr. Cox: How, uh, how old is this patient?
Elliot: Seventy-nine.
Dr. Cox: And... how old would you say he was when you started this procedure?
Elliot: [thinking] The more I thought about how awesome Molly is, the more I got sick of Dr. Cox's crap.
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, I could fly to China, adopt a child, raise her, send her to medical school, and then train her to do this procedure in the time it's taking you to finish.
Elliot: [thinking] Enough! He's never been there for you! Burn this bridge once and for all!
Dr. Cox: Barbie, honest to God, if you...
Elliot: You know what, Dr. Cox? I have so had it with this whole macho alpha-male thing, and I have heard every tired, recycled put-down you have in you. So, from now on, save your stupid lessons for someone who gives a frick, because honestly, I don't even wanna see you or the stupid poodle perm of yours unless it's walking away from me.

Dr. Cox: Oh, whoa, now. What happened to - what happened to feisty Barbie, huh? You know, it took me a helluva lot to shake off that tongue-lashing you gave me yesterday.
Elliot: Yeah, well, yesterday I had a mentor, but she turned out to be insane. I mean, how am I supposed to take professional advice from somebody who can't even hold together their personal life?
Dr. Cox: Look, I know you and I have never really connected - maybe that's because you're relentlessly annoying, or maybe it's my fault because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people - I don't know. But answer me one question: Do you think I'm a good teacher?
Elliot: To some people.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Why don't we go ahead and take a look at my personal life? I am in love with a woman that I hate, my two-year-old son calls me "Pewwy," and - this is something that I've never actually shared with anybody before, but - on Saturday nights, I like to throw on a nice dress, go out to dive bars, and insist that everybody call me Mrs. Haberdasher!
Elliot: [laughs, then thinks] No, you don't.
Dr. Cox: Well, even if I did, it wouldn't really matter since that has nothing to do with how good of a teacher I am. Stick with me here, Barbie. The point is that if you finally found somebody who makes you believe in yourself as much as you did yesterday, well, I would think twice before I wrote that person off.

Elliot: Frick on a stick with a brick!

"Scrubs: My Old Friend's New Friend (#4.1)" (2004)

Elliot: It's so strange feeling all alone when like a month ago I was part of this really tight group, you know?
Dr. Clock: Yeah. I had tons of friends at my old hospital.
Elliot: I gotta meet some new people.
Dr. Clock: Do you wanna, uh, get a cup of coffee tonight?
Elliot: Can't. I'm hitting the internet hard and going on a friend hunt!

Elliot: I'm sorry. Look, um... You wouldn't understand.
Dr. Clock: No, I get it. I mean, you're feeling lonely, you're feeling rejected. I mean, most people around here won't talk to me, and even Johnny won't take my help.
Elliot: Who's Johnny?
Dr. Clock: You know, he's a resident, he's got like gelled-up hair, and he and his friends are in a motorcycle gang?
Elliot: I knew it!
Dr. Clock: You know what, Elliot, you act like everyone's boxing you out, but you wouldn't even get a cup of coffee with me.

Dr. Clock: Hey! Do you guys mind if I eat with you? 'Cause I don't wanna sit alone and sing to my food like a crazy person
Elliot: Oh, my gosh! I do that!
Dr. Clock: No way!
Elliot: Mostly pop songs. You know, unless I'm eating soul food.
Carla: Where's your food?
Dr. Clock: Oh, shoot.
[she hops up again]
Carla: Look, Elliot, we'll do something later this week, just the two of us.
Elliot: Okay
Dr. Clock: [returns with a tray] Oh, that is not my food. But I'm not getting up again.
Elliot: Oh, I wouldn't.

Dr. Kelso: Well, sweetheart, you're here early.
Elliot: Yeah, well, you know I didn't have any plans last night, so I went to bed at 8 and then I woke up at 4. And then I realized that the sunrise just looks beautiful through the trees, and that my neighbor gets his paper in the 'nude' and that he needs to lose like 900 pounds.
Dr. Kelso: In the future, the appropriate response is, "Yes, I am here early" - it's called 'small talk', not 'my depressing life in thirty seconds'.
[walks off]
Elliot: I am not depressed, sir. In fact, nothing is gonna get me down today!
Mr. Blass: [singing] "All by myself. Don't wanna be all by my - "
Elliot: Oh, shut up!
Dr. Clock: Did you just tell my patient to shut up? 'Cause that seems not very doctory.
Elliot: No. I mean, I said it like all those high school girls do in the mall, like, "Oh, shut up!" I should go.

"Scrubs: My Jiggly Ball (#5.4)" (2006)

Dr. Christopher Turk: Mr. Keck! What do you say we get you into surgery and take care of that hernia!
Mr. Keck: Ummm, I don't know if surgery is necessary. Last night I was in pain, so I went to a free clinic. The doctor there said surgery wasn't my only option.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Well, you're just gonna have to get him on the phone and tell him that I won't be second-opinioned by a clinic doctor who couldn't carry my jockstrap!
[Holds his hand up to J.D]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Gimme some!
J.D.: [High-fives him] Here it is.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [in Free Clinic, on the phone with Mr Keck] Yeah, I think I know this guy. Is he a cocky black doctor with a white doctor following him around and looking at him like he's in love?
J.D.: [in in Mr Kecks room]
[to Turk]
J.D.: You would make a pretty girl.
Mr. Keck: [Into phone] Yeah.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [back in Free Clinic] All right, now repeat after me...
Mr. Keck: [to Turk] "You can't decide for me, that's not your duty."
Dr. Elliot Reid: And are they both trying not to laugh at the word "duty"?
Mr. Keck: [J.D. and Turk try to hold their giggles back]
[Into phone]
Mr. Keck: Yeah. Hey, Heckle and Jeckle, you know what? No surgery.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Grabbing the phone] Who the hell is this?
Free Clinic Patient: [into Phone] Where are my shoelaces?
Dr. Elliot Reid: I said to tell him that he had a laxity in the peritoneal wall and that surgery was unnecessarily invasive! Was that so hard?

Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Lorraine, the sooner you let me have a look at that rash, the sooner we can get you back home.
[the patient looks at her]
Dr. Elliot Reid: I mean, back on the street, which is your home. Hey! Home Street Home, huh?
[Chuckles and snorts]
Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm sorry, Lorraine, that was incredibly insensitive.

Dr. Christopher Turk: Elliot, nobody respects clinic doctors.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really, Turk? I think your hernia patient does.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Laughing] I'm not upset about that!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's obvious you are.
J.D.: It's more obvious to me, baby - I mean Turk.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, I know this place isn't the greatest, but it's not like I lie awake thinking about being yelled at by Dr. Cox or playing Jiggly Ball with the orderlies.

Dr. Elliot Reid: I told you guys to leave it alone.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, would you stop being so proud?
Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm proud? Carla! After the wedding, you wouldn't even take Turk's name!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I use it for official things!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Letting him call you Mrs. Turk in the bedroom isn't official.
Dr. Christopher Turk: But it is officially hot!
Dr. Elliot Reid: And Turk, you freaked out when the hernia patient listened to me over you. And J.D.! You just let the entire hospital pummel you with tennis balls because you were too proud to admit you didn't know what "Jiggly Ball" was.

"Scrubs: My Malpractical Decision (#4.9)" (2004)

Doug Murphy: Elliot, I know everyone thinks I'm this huge screw-up, but I just want you to know that I'm gonna turn it around!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Doug! This is a quarantined area!

Dr. Elliot Reid: Kelso wants me to keep hiding Doug until that attorney leaves? Isn't that ridiculous?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, the man tried to electrocute me an hour ago. All I care about is whether or not this twitch goes away. You should take Doug down to the morgue. The worst he could do there is bring somebody back to life!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What are you doing here?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Ah, hiding from Doug. He asked me a question I haven't answered yet. You?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I was trying to make a dramatic exit. I thought this was a patient's room.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Right.

Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla, when I became chief resident, I wrote a pledge to myself and do you know what it said?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Mm-mm?
Dr. Elliot Reid: It said, "Dance like nobody is watching," which I do constantly with the shades closed just in case somebody's watching. But it also said not to hide problems away.

"Scrubs: My Conventional Wisdom (#6.20)" (2007)

Dr. Elliot Reid: Now don't you screw this up, Keith. Because if this goes wrong, the wedding goes wrong, and then I'll get depressed and fat and you cheat on me and I swear to god I will CHOP IT OFF!

Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm notifying all my old boyfriends that I am officially off the market.
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm sure the pulse setting on your shower head will be devastated.

Dr. Perry Cox: July 21st? Ooh, I'm afraid I won't be able to make it?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Why not?
Dr. Perry Cox: Because I wouldn't go to your wedding if it was held in my own backyard.

"Scrubs: My First Kill (#4.4)" (2004)

Dr. Elliot Reid: I understand that because of his drug problem, some of you don't think that Mr. Phillips is a good candidate for surgery, but believe me, he understands that this heart valve is a responsibility. Those of you who have met him, like Ted, can attest to this.
Dr. Bob Kelso: This is a very dicey case. Ted, what do you think?
Ted Buckland: She knows my name! Whatever she wants!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Very ethical. Why don't I open the floor to those people who currently do not have erections? Dr. Clock. Do you think this guy'll stay clean?
Dr. Molly Clock: Oh, I'm just here as a friend. I think you should ask Ted again.
Ted Buckland: Oh, good God, she knows it too! Am I awake?

Dr. Molly Clock: Look, I know you're mad.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Why? Because you betrayed me? Betrayer.
Dr. Molly Clock: Look, I'm sorry, but when they asked me for my professional opinion, I had to give it.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, I don't know, if you were a real friend you could have lied, kept your mouth shut, made out with me - any of the stuff that we talked about!

Dr. Molly Clock: Did you just page me so you could rub my face in this?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yes. Uh, there's also a couple of messages on your home machine.
Dr. Molly Clock: Look, Elliot, I hope I'm wrong, and I hope he stays clean. Let's just not make this personal, okay?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Said the loser.
[laughs]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Who lost.
Dr. Molly Clock: Don't push me. 'Cause one of the reasons I became a therapist is I've always been able to zero in on a person's greatest insecurity.

"Scrubs: My Half-Acre (#5.9)" (2006)

Julie Quinn: It's so late, I gotta go. I have a dog and a fish. I have to feed them and walk them and stuff. I'm Julie! Hi!
Elliot: I was Elliot.

Jordan: What are you guys talking about?
Elliot: Well J.D has this...
Jordan: Already bored.

J.D.: How did you know I'd move to fast with Julie?
Dr. Cox: How do you know that I can be that kind of dad?
Turk: How did you that Kelso just wanted respect?
Elliot: Because I know you!
Carla: Because I know you!
Janitor: Because I know him!
Todd: [watches it on the security camera] This is so cool!

"Scrubs: My Absence (#8.9)" (2009)

Denise: Fat dudes rule. They never expect commitment and they try so hard in the sack.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Plus, they're just so grateful afterward.

Dr. Perry Cox: ...And that, Dorian, is what I think of you as a person.
[Hands Elliot back her cell phone]
Dr. Elliot Reid: That sounded harsh. Are you okay?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [On speakerphone, crying] No!

Dr. Elliot Reid: I thought it'd be different this time with JD. I didn't think I'd let myself get so vulnerable.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Well that's dumb! Relationships are about taking a leap of faith. That's why it's called "jumping in." Now Dorian seems to make you happy,god knows why, isn't that enough?

"Scrubs: My Overkill (#2.1)" (2002)

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] Hospitals aren't as big as you think. Eventually you run into everyone.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Hey Elliott.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [Comes up from underneath table] I'm not hiding, I-um-I was-I was just looking for my -uhm-you know, the... I was just looking for my dignity.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Did you find it?
Dr. Elliot Reid: No. I must have left it at college.

Dr. Elliot Reid: Sorry, mom. It's just - it's gotten really awkward with this guy that I was seeing and - - Yes, mom, 'Yay, I'm straight.' Look, I just, I don't know what to do; I mean, every time I see hm, I get so embarrassed, and... lonely, and... mortified... And I guess I was just hoping that you could - - Um... About a hundred-and-fifteen pounds?
[listens]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Phen-fen kills people, mom!
[listens]
Dr. Elliot Reid: B-because I'm a - a doctor, that's... how I know.

Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm not hiding. I was just looking for my, um, you know the... I was looking for my dignity.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Did you find it?
Dr. Elliot Reid: No, I must have left it at college.

"Scrubs: My Unicorn (#4.11)" (2004)

Dr. Elliot Reid: Do you have chocolate cake today?
Male Cafeteria Worker: Nope.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Elliot, relax. I never get chocolate cake.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh right, 'cause you're diabetic. Boo-hoo! You know what, Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see!

Dr. Elliot Reid: Franklyn, I was wondering if you could put a rush on Mr. Lowenstein's urinaylsis because I've got a really important interview for a fellowship next year.
Franklyn: No. We're done talking now.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, we can help.
Dr. Christopher Turk: No! No, you will not turn Elliot into some flirtatious manipulator. I mean, don't get me wrong, outside the hospital, Elliot with her hair up is a slammin' hottie, but in here she's an asexual mess. And that's the natural order of things and you don't mess with the natural order!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, don't listen to him. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Dr. Elliot Reid: I have been kicking ass lately, but this place is such a boys' club. I still can't even get x-rays or lab tests back on time.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Hey, Elliot, if you're desperate to get things done, you could always do what Jordan does.
Jordan Sullivan: Could you move my car out of the sun? If the seat gets too hot, my thighs get all pink and sweaty.
Jordan Sullivan: Yeah. Bye-bye, security guard.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Hmm. Very classy.

"Scrubs: My Cookie Pants (#8.6)" (2009)

[J.D. and Elliot are in bed at night. The apartment door squeaks open, and an ascending piano scale plays]
Elliot: [whispers] J.D., someone's in the house!
J.D.: [yells] Turk, get out of here!
[a descending piano scale plays, and the door closes]
J.D.: [scene cuts to Turk sitting on a park bench with Elliot's plate of cookies]
Turk: Pull that piano crap on me?
[scoffs]
Turk: Please!

Elliot: Turk, I need some help with J.D.
Turk: OK, you guys are back together. I get that. It's great. You're a fit. I just don't want to get caught in the middle again.
Elliot: [with street accent] Well, you shoulda thought of that before you jacked my cookies! You're in.
Turk: [sotto voce] stupid sweet tooth...

[J.D. enters his apartment, where Elliot is baking cookies]
J.D.: Hey!
Elliot: Hi.
[piano scale plays as J.D. walks across a Piano Mat]
J.D.: Why'd you put my Piano Mat here?
Elliot: I was here all day all by myself, and I got a little freaked out, so I thought I'd use that as a burglar alarm.
[J.D. plays "I'm No Superman" - "scrubs"'s theme song - on Piano Mat]
J.D.: That's catchy.

"Scrubs: My Intern's Eyes (#5.1)" (2006)

Turk: By the way, Elliot what are you doing here?
Carla: Oh she hasn't talked to anyone at her new hospital
Elliot: How did this conversation become about me?

Turk: Elliot, why are you here?
Elliot: Oh, I have to make Kelso think that I still work here so he doesn't have me arrested for stealing medical supplies.

Dr. Kelso: Well at least there's one attending around I can count on.
Elliot: Oh the hell with it, Bob- I don't work here! Have a good one!
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.
Dr. Cox: It hates you, Bob!

"Scrubs: My Own American Girl (#3.1)" (2003)

Dr. Elliot Reid: Janitor, have you ever looked at yourself and wished you were different in every single way?
The Janitor: Nah... I'm a winner.

Dr. Elliot Reid: You know what I realized when I was dragging my car door around- I cannot remember the last good thing that happened to me at this place. I mean, what is it about me that makes everybody walk all over me?
Carla: No self-confidence.
Chris Turk: You can be a baby sometimes.
J.D.: Your voice gets really high when you're upset.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [in a high voice] Rhetorical question, ok?

"Scrubs: My Way Home (#5.7)" (2006)

Elliot: Oh really, becasuse you never went to assface school but you seem to be an expert at that

Dr. Cox: Your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you five days may seem like an eternity as it's roughly five times as long as any of your pasty relationships have lasted. But trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.
Elliot: Oh really? Because you never went to assface school, but you seem to be an expert at that. Am I right?
J.D.: [didn't hear conversation, but high-fives Elliot] Here's some!
Dr. Cox: You're going to high five THAT? Bi-hig mistake.
J.D.: I didn't know what I was high-fiving. I gotta stop doing that.
Elliot: Did you eat my mango body butter?
J.D.: No.
[thinking]
J.D.: I smeared it on a bagel.

"Scrubs: My Best Laid Plans (#4.19)" (2005)

Elliot: So's your face!
J.D.: [Voiceover] Walked right into that one.

Elliot: You're unbelievable.
[Elliot walks away annoyed]
Janitor: You're the only one around here that treats me like a real person.
Elliot: What did you just say?
Janitor: There was one other girl a few years ago, red-haired doctor. She used to eat lunch with me, until the other residents started making fun of her. They called her 'janitor lunch-eater'. Not the most clever group. Anyway, I know that you don't think about me the way I think about you, and I never really believed that you would or that you could. But, just pretending for today somehow made me feel good for a change. I'm sorry.
Elliot: You know what, it's ok. I actually had a good time.
Janitor: [Janitor stifles a coy laugh] Thanks.
[Elliot smiles and walks off scene]
Janitor: [Janitor to himself] Elliot.
[Janitor smiles and walks in the opposite direction]

"Scrubs: Her Story II (#5.10)" (2006)

Dr. Cox: Heeello! What we have here is a visual representation of how alcohol affects people of different ages. We have the young:
Julie Quinn: Morning.
Dr. Cox: The slightly older:
Elliot: Please stop talking!
Dr. Cox: The slightly older still again:
Carla: [gibberish]
Dr. Cox: And at last the very, very, very, very old; she is the unconscious and virtually unwakeable. Witness...
[proceeds to shake Jordan in an attempt to wake her]

Elliot: Why is Julie behind that bush crying?
J.D.: Who knows? Could be anything! You know what's interesting Turk, she's not saying that's so sad. She's actually crying
Turk: You're an Idiot
J.D.: Yes I am

"Scrubs: My Extra Mile (#5.15)" (2006)

Dr. Christopher Turk: I'm so sick of this. If the jobs were given to whoever's the best surgeon, I would get all three of those damn spots.
Dr. Elliot Reid: It's the same on the medical side, I swear. The only reason I got that oncology rotation is because I let Dr. Morgan take me as his date to his brother's wedding.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ricky Morgan?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Mm-hmm
Dr. Christopher Turk: He works in the cafeteria.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [shocked] What?

Dr. Ricky: Dr. Reid, I need to meet you in radiology to uh, you know, go over some test results.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah, it's over Ricky.
Dr. Ricky: [takes off his white coat and looks at the janitor] I know you're stealing trays. Stop it.
[walks away]

"Scrubs: My Journey (#3.2)" (2003)

Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively TO clowns.

Elliot: Oh, so you've never dreamed about your wedding day?
Priest: [in J.D.'s daydream] Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?
Maureen McCormick: My name is Maureen McCormick.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Marcia, please.

"Scrubs: My Cake (#4.6)" (2004)

Dr. Perry Cox: Say, Barbie, for a second there, I thought you were being a little bit cold, but then you really saved it with the "
[sigh]
Dr. Perry Cox: ... 'Kay."
Dr. Elliot Reid: What are you going to do, hide from him all day and then call him "Ginger"?
Dr. Perry Cox: No. It's Monday, which of course means it's Ethnic Day, so I'll be going with Rosalita, and besides, I have a plan.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Which is?
Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, unfortunately, the first part of the plan is not to share it with people who annoy me. Want to hear the second part?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Sure
Dr. Perry Cox: I can't. My hands are tied by the first part

Dr. Elliot Reid: Why are you still antagonising him?
Dr. Perry Cox: I don't know. I can't stop.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I am warning you, you better come through for him.
Dr. Perry Cox: What do you want me to do, anyway?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Be more sensitive. Try giving him a hug.
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie... you've met be before, yes? Now, at most, I can muster one hug a year, and nine months ago I hugged my son, so: you're gonna have to do it.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Um, you saw us before, we're still awkward from the break-up.
Dr. Perry Cox: Hold the phone: are you suggesting that if I sleep with him, that I won't have to deal with problems like this? Because I'm seriously considering taking that hit.
[as Elliot walks off]
Dr. Perry Cox: I mean, honestly, what is he like in post-game? Is there spooning? Because I don't spoon, I'm not a spooner.

"Scrubs: My Lucky Charm (#4.14)" (2005)

Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla, I'm so bummed. I can't go see the Chamber Orchestra tonight, I totally forgot I have my Cantonese class. And I would totally call and cancel but the only thing I know how to say is "I'm allergic to peanuts."
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, Elliot, I was really looking forward to this.
The Janitor: Really? About five seconds ago you were all giddy about going home and taking a bath tonight.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why would you do that to me?
The Janitor: New thing. I'm busting chops.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [laughs defensively]
Dr. Elliot Reid: So, you just forgot we even had plans?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What's the big deal? You were flaking on them anyway.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I wasn't. I have my Cantonese class.
The Janitor: But do you? Do you really?
[Elliot makes a "What are you doing" face - Janitor shrugs]
The Janitor: Busting chops.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Fine! Well at least I remembered the plans well enough to flake on them!
[storms off down a corridor]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [shouting after her] Oh yeah? Well if I knew you were gonna flake on them, I would never have made plans to forget in the first place, because you...
Dr. Perry Cox: [has just walked in from the corridor Elliot left down] She's gone, Carla. It's over.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Where the hell have you been for the last few days?
Dr. Perry Cox: Deep sea fishing.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You hate fishing.
Dr. Perry Cox: Went with my buddies.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You don't have any buddies.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh yeah? Well we landed a 200 pound white marlin off the coast of San Diego.
The Janitor: Interesting, because that's about 3,000 miles from the natural habitat of the white marlin. Hmm, well perhaps it hopped a train from Cape Cod!
Dr. Perry Cox: Why?
The Janitor: I'm busting chops today. You can ask anybody.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's true.
The Janitor: See?

Turk: Heard you guys were fighting.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: We made up.
The Janitor: No they didn't. Chop-busting.
[dusts Turk's shoulder with a feather duster]
The Janitor: And Doc-dusting.
Turk: Well Elliot, you don't look too banged up about it. You got your arm around Carla.
Dr. Elliot Reid: My hand is stuck in this rats nest she calls hair.

"Scrubs: His Story IV (#6.7)" (2007)

J.D.: Hey, Dr. Kelso.
[gives him a pat on the back]
Dr. Kelso: [thinking] I actually don't mind that goofy bastard. If he were gay, he'd be perfect for my son. Harrison has been looking for a new power bottom. All my little worker bees, buzzing about... buzzzz... buzzz... I love making that sound... buzzz. Dr. Reid. Ever since she quit the hospital for private practice, you pretended she's invisible. So don't break stride.
[walks straight past Elliot, bumping her on the shoulder deliberately and making all her files scatter across the floor]
Dr. Kelso: KERBLAMO!
Elliot: HEY!
Dr. Kelso: Skiddle-ee-dee, skiddle-ee-doo.

Elliot: What do you think of Hilary Clinton?
Keith: I hate that bitch.

"Scrubs: My Chief Concern (#8.17)" (2009)

Dr. Elliot Reid: Why would you torch Denise? You know her confidence is shot. Plus the other day you said you liked her. And I know you were just kidding around but you never said you liked me, even as a joke.
Dr. Perry Cox: I like you.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [touched] Really?
Dr. Perry Cox: No.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Nicely done.
Dr. Perry Cox: Thank you.

Jordan Sullivan: [to Ted] Hey, Sweat stain! How's it going with your girlfriend now that you guys are roomies?
Ted Buckland: Oh we're having sex like all the time.
Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Jordan Sullivan, Dr. Elliot Reid: [disgusted] Oh!
Ted Buckland: Why do people react like that when they picture me having sex?
Dr. Bob Kelso: You try it!
Ted Buckland: [horrified] OH GOD!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Not a pretty sight is it?

"Scrubs: My Cold Shower (#6.19)" (2007)

Dr. Elliot Reid: [as Keith is putting on her engagement] Okay, it's a little tight. Just push harder. Okay, lifted a little skin there...
Melody O'Harra: Here come the fricks.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Just put the motherfricking ring on the motherfricking finger! Frick, frick, frick!

Dr. Elliot Reid: Mrs. Sheldon, may I just say, I hope I to look as good as you when I'm 80.
Mrs. Sheldon: I'm 68.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Do they not have sunscreen where you grew up?

"Scrubs: My Fruit Cups (#2.8)" (2002)

Dr. Elliot Reid: We must've looked at a hundred women's bajingos today. Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo. I can barely even look at my *own* bajingo.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Is that because it looks so much like a vagina?

Elliot: [to Carla] You wouldn't believe how many women's bajingos we looked at today! Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo. I can't even look at my own bajingo if you know what I mean!

"Scrubs: My Big Move (#4.22)" (2005)

Dr. Elliot Reid: She's a teenage girl, that's an awkward time. You know, your breasts are growing... not always symmetrically. You like boys. Maybe one gives you a ride home, you think something's gonna happen but it doesn't and that just makes it official that you're a lop-sided freak! Happy ending though; lefty caught up in college.
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie! I have a finite amount of brain space and your inspiring story of the little breast who couldn't just pushed out my memory of the 1980 Olympic Hockey team's victory at Lake Placid. Miracle on Ice -
[whistles]
Dr. Perry Cox: gone!

Dr. Elliot Reid: [to Dr. Perry Cox] I don't have a ring, but you can kiss my ass.

"Scrubs: His Story II (#3.18)" (2004)

Dr. Elliot Reid: Position one, two or three?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: We only had two positions.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh. Well, I've got something to show you later.

Elliot: [on the phone] I can't believe you've been in New Zealand for 5 months.
Sean Kelly: I... I can't believe you still haven't figured out the time difference; it's 4am here.

"Scrubs: My Mirror Image (#6.1)" (2006)

Carla: [J.D. tells Carla, Elliot, and Turk that Kim is pregnant] I'm sorry J.D. but you knew this could happen when you had sex.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I have to tell you guys something but you have to promise not to laugh. Ok?
[Carla, Elliot, and Turk agree]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ok, on the night of said conception, ah, Kim and I nude-ed up, and um, the dirty talk began and I got a little over excited.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oooh, She like a the dirty talk!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, I do. I find it gets the ladies going. But I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself, especially when I use some of my different voices.
Dr. Elliot Reid: He does.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anywho, there was some unexpected friendly-fire, and uh, even though I never got a chance to enter the, the village, ah, there was an air strike on one of the outlying regions.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Turk yells excitedly and Carla pulls his ear to stop him] Thank you.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anyway, I talked to the gals in O.B.G and they said it's not uncommon for a woman to get pregnant even if there was no actual penetration.
Dr. Christopher Turk: What your trying to tell us is that you never actually had sex with her?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [after a brief pause] I didn't have a condom.
[Muffled giggles from Turk, Carla, and Elliot]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And ah, we decided not to have sex because, here's the kicker, I didn't want to get her pregnant.
[Carla, Elliot, and Turk break out in hysterical laughing]

Turk: Yo, Elliot... what's your ringtone?
Dr. Elliot Reid: "Jesus, Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: I'm carrying underwood right now. See, that's funny because it's true.
[holds up his hand for a five, but Elliot looks disgusted]
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Please?

"Scrubs: My New Game (#4.3)" (2004)

J.D.: Hey, uh, you need to move your car - it's my day to have the parking spot
Elliot: J.D., you have a scooter! Why do you even need a parking spot?
J.D.: Mmmm, it sends a message.

"Scrubs: My Dirty Secret (#3.9)" (2003)

Dr. Elliot Reid: I honestly don't mind that you're making fun of me but what does bother me is that no one is ever allowed to make fun of you.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: People can make fun of me.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [scoffs] Come on, what about that delivery guy yesterday? I mean, you practically tore him a new binglebore.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: But he's not my friend. My friends can make fun of me whenever they want.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really? Well in that case you're a know-it-all smartypants and if you're not telling someone what to do, you're probably not talking.
J.D.: Okay, I guess I can be a little bossy.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: A little? Girl, please. If you met Jesus hisself, you'd be trying to tell him where to park his donkey.
J.D.: Oh, are we allowed to do this now? What about that whole like, hands on the hips Carla from the block thing she does when she's mad when she's like
[imitating]
J.D.: "oh Bambi, you do not want to mess with me right now."
Dr. Doug Murphy: [laughs] You do sound like that.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [with her hand on her hip] Careful, Doug, we are not that close yet.
Dr. Elliot Reid, J.D.: [laughing and mocking] Careful, Doug. Doug, wussup. Doug, you better be careful. Mm-hmm. 'Cause I'm Carla.

"Scrubs: My Perspective (#6.9)" (2007)

Dr. Elliot Reid: He took care of you when you were wallowing on your couch drinking scotch like it was vodka.
Dr. Perry Cox: I accidentally killed three people. He got arrested for pushing a scooter and he passes out when he poos.

"Scrubs: My Choosiest Choice of All (#3.19)" (2004)

J.D.: How could you do this to me?
Elliot: Do what?
J.D.: I don't know, come over to my house, sleep with me and the dump me the minute Sean shows up so I'd feel like a complete loser.
Elliot: Oh, you seem real crushed, I mean, you jumped into bed with Danny so quick you didn't have time to change the sheets.
J.D.: You know I only have one set.

"Scrubs: My Butterfly (#3.16)" (2004)

Todd Quinlan: I've got a pink doggy. But it's not little.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Todd, if you show me your penis, I will take it off you.
Todd Quinlan: Cool.

"Scrubs: My Bright Idea (#5.16)" (2006)

Elliot: Can't we just go home, put on our pj's and watch "Grey's Anatomy?"
J.D.: I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and just put them on TV.

"Scrubs: My Roommates (#4.18)" (2005)

Dr. Elliot Reid: I cannot believe what I just heard!
Dr. Perry Cox: The tick-tocking of your biological clock leading you to the corner of Celibate and Spinster way?

"Scrubs: My Buddy's Booty (#5.11)" (2006)

Elliot: J.D. can't we just go home, put on our pjs and watch Grey's Anatomy.
J.D.: Oh, how I do love that show. It is like they have been watching our lives, and put it on tv.

"Scrubs: My Chopped Liver (#5.17)" (2006)

Jordan: You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.
Elliot: You don't like Cox?
Jordan: Actually I love Cox.
Todd: [walks up, knocks on table] Greatest conversation ever.

"Scrubs: My Long Goodbye (#6.15)" (2007)

Dr. Elliot Reid: Somebody just had a baby...
Dr. Perry Cox: How do you know?
Dr. Elliot Reid: My uterus is glowing.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: My mom had a uterus... I lived in it..

"Scrubs: My Mentor (#1.2)" (2001)

Elliot: [looking at a picture] When did you meet Morgan Freeman?
Turk: That's my mom.

"Scrubs: My Friend the Doctor (#3.8)" (2003)

Todd: Oh, so he can call you "Smelliot" but I'm not allowed to call you "Vagina Face"?
Elliot: Not the same, Todd!
Todd: HMPH!

"Scrubs: My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby (#6.2)" (2006)

Turk: Is he coming? Is he coming?
Elliot: Turk, she's barely in labor.
[Pointing at Carla]
Carla: He's not talking about the baby.
[J.D. enters]
Turk: He's here, and now we can have our baby!

"Scrubs: My Day Off (#1.9)" (2001)

Patient: If it'll make you feel any better, I'm uncomfortable with this whole 'touchy-feely' culture anyway.
Elliot: Thank you!
Patient: That whole 'kiss hello' thing... Ew!
Elliot: Yeah, I don't like anyone touching me unless we're gonna have sex. Even then, I don't want them to overdo it.
Patient: So, where in Connecticut are you from?

"Scrubs: My Advice to You (#3.6)" (2003)

Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox turns off the T.V and the med students "awww" in disappointment] Fine. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you how it ends: Dr. Phil says,
[Dr. Phil impression]
Dr. Cox: "And how... is that working out... for you?" And the big fat lady cries, "Wah." All right, I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of residency director considering my disdain for, well... all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this God-forsaken hell-hole.
Elliot: [impressed] Hm
Dr. Cox: It's all about the four dollars, trust me. And seeing as my money is contingent on you lemmings actually doing your jobs, I would say that now is a pretty good time for you to scurry on back to work so that I can continue to afford the antidepressants that keep me so damn jolly.
[laughs weakly]
Dr. Cox: GO!

"Scrubs: My Last Chance (#4.8)" (2004)

J.D.: If you bring sarcasm my way, baby, prepare to be stung.
Elliot: J.D...
J.D.: So's your face.
Elliot: That doesn't even make any sense.
J.D.: 'So's your face' always makes sense.
Carla: J.D., that's stupid.
J.D.: So's your face! Man, I am on fire, hello.

"Scrubs: My Porcelain God (#3.13)" (2004)

Dr. Kevin Casey: Damn roof toilet's got my number.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Can't lick it, huh?
Dr. Kevin Casey: Lord, no! I can't even sit on it!

"Scrubs: My Rite of Passage (#5.2)" (2006)

Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Carla, I didn't want you to come here because... well... Look, there's so much great about you - you're smart, you're loyal, you've absolutely shattered all of my preconceived notions about chicanos!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot? Bring it.
Dr. Elliot Reid: You're a bit of a gossip.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: So? I'm interested in people's stories!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Thanks to you, for the rest of my career I have the world's worst nickname!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Bankfarter's not so bad. It sounds German!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, verdammt noch mal. Nimm meine Leute nicht auf den Arm, Carla!

"Scrubs: My Rule of Thumb (#3.10)" (2004)

Maggie Himsel: Don't people sometimes pay for sex?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, boy, do they. I slept with Jenny Johnson's older brother in high school, and then he decided to tell all of his friends what my orgasm face looked like.
[demonstrates strange grim]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Then three of them posed like that for their yearbook photos! Paid for that one for years.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, I think she means pay money for sex.

"Scrubs: My Case Study (#2.3)" (2002)

Mrs. Kellerman: Besides, can you two honestly say there's not one thing you'd change about yourself if you could?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I can honestly say that.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Me too.
Mrs. Kellerman: Then you're both liars.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: [entering room] Hey, Mrs. K. Let's get you into a fresh pair of blouse bunnies.

"Scrubs: My Manhood (#7.8)" (2008)

Elliot: [after walking into the Mens bathrooms because the Ladies is being cleaned; she is reading off of the bathroom stall walls] "Rate Dr. Reid's butt"?... Yes! 9.2! Thank God this Hospital's full of white guys.
Dr. Kelso: Don't be pleased with that 9.2. That's out of 100.

"Scrubs: My Bed Banter & Beyond (#1.15)" (2002)

Elliot: Are you following me?
Todd: No. You wanna go out some time?
Elliot: With you?
Todd: Me and a bottle of Jagermeister.
Elliot: No. No, Todd, I don't. But I don't want you to think it's because I just broke up with someone, or that I'm a lesbian, or because I want to preserve our friendship. It's because I find you so creepy, I think you should walk around with a bell around your neck.
Todd: All I heard was "lesbian."

"Scrubs: My Lunch (#5.20)" (2006)

Todd: [Talking to Elliot and Carla after lying that he was gay] You know, I really gotta thank you gals for outing me. Chicks dig gay dudes.
Elliot: Oh, my God, I cannot believe I let you into that dressing room while I was trying on bras.
Carla: [turns to Elliot] Eewww!
Todd: That was a very special time for me.
Carla: Unbelieveable.
Elliot: [as they walk away] He saw the girls.
Todd: [Carla and Elliot are now down the hall] It's ok if you girls wanna walk away, cause I'd love to see you go. Nothing wrong with that.
[walks down the hall, looks to an intern]
Todd: Nothing wrong with that either.
[looks to a nurse]
Todd: Or that.
[Exhales]
Todd: [Janitor and The Todd meet]
Janitor: What the hell are you?
Todd: I'm the Todd
[Todd walks off]
Janitor: [makes a disgusted face]

"Scrubs: My Deja Vu, My Deja Vu (#5.22)" (2006)

Dr. Perry Cox: How's about we act like adults here and lay our cards on the table. You know that you're not exactly my favorite person in this dump, and I say that knowing full well that you feel the same way about me.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I started an "I Hate Cox" chatroom. Hasn't really worked out the way I planned - it's me, two interns, and 14,000 lesbians.

"Scrubs: My Best Moment (#4.12)" (2004)

Dr. Elliot Reid: Parlez-vous Français?
[Translation: Do you speak French? ]
Turk: You know, I did learn a little when my high school class went to France, but that was just stuff to pick up chicks.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Turk, je crois que Tyler se sentirais mieux s'il pouvait observer l'opération, d'accord?
[Translation: I really think it would make Tyler feel better if he could watch, OK? ]
Turk: J'ai... euh... Tour d'Eiffel pantalon.
[Translation: I have... an... Eiffel Tower... in my pants. ]
Dr. Elliot Reid: What?
Turk: Pamplemousse!
[Translation: Grapefruit! ]

"Scrubs: My ABC's (#8.5)" (2009)

Dr. Elliot Reid: I wonder if they found a new head of medicine yet?
The Janitor: Actually, they found one this morning.
Oscar the Grouch: All right, you knuckleheads! Shape up! I'm watching you, John Dorian, and guess what? My eyes never close!
The Janitor: Mine neither.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [back to reality] I grew up on the street. Not the hood. Sesame Street.

"Scrubs: My Musical (#6.6)" (2007)

Patti: [singing] What's going to happen? / What does the future hold? / So many things that I've put off / Assuming I'd have time / Assuming I'd grow old. / What's going to happen? / And will I be alive tomorrow? / What's going to happen... / To me?
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] You're going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, The Janitor, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Doug Murphy, Ted Buckland: That's what's going to happen. / Everything's okay. / We're right here beside you / We won't let you slip away. / Plan for tomorrow / 'Cause we swear to you, / You're going to be okay.
Patti: I'm going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's what's going to happen.
Patti: Everything's okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso: Everything's okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Bob Kelso: We would never leave you.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: Right here we will stay. / Plan for tomorrow, / 'Cause we swear to you / You're going to be okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [last sung line of the episode] We hope.
Dr. Perry Cox: Shhhhhh.

"Scrubs: My Scrubs (#6.13)" (2007)

Elliot: Oh, you think you're funny?
Dr. Cox: I do. I always have, ever since I was little. It's one of the reasons that I'm a winner.

"Scrubs: My Drug Buddy (#1.14)" (2002)

Dr. Elliot Reid: Never did sleep with her, did you?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No. But why does that matter?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Because I was jealous.

"Scrubs: My First Step (#2.7)" (2002)

Elliot: I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should send her to surgery.
J.D.: No, don't send her to surgery. I'll tell you what to do. You wait and see. And I know I'm right 'cause I'm a wait-and-see kinda guy. You know Elliot in modern medicine we're faced with tough decisions almost everyday...
Elliot: You're amazing.
J.D.: Well, amazing's sort of a strong word, I just show up and let the lord work through me.
Elliot: You actually think you're a better doctor than me.

"Scrubs: My Ocardial Infarction (#4.13)" (2005)

The Janitor: Well, it-it - you know the only reason I was wearing the suit at all was because our, uh, a cappella band was... practicing.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, that's great! What's your band's name?
The Janitor: Uh... It's, uh, Hibbleton. Yeah, yeah. And, um, I don't think it's going too far to say that we're the best hospital employee band in town.
Ted Buckland, Roy, Crispin, Randall: [in four-part harmony] Oh, really?

"Scrubs: My Sex Buddy (#2.11)" (2003)

Dr. Cox: Oh, joy. I get to work on Mrs. Credin with the Wonder Twins. Dear Lord, what in thy most Holy Name have I done to offend thee so?
Elliot: My brother Bradley and I used to always pretend that we were the Wonder Twins. He would always become "form of a dragon" and then I would want to be a dragon too, but he said I'd be something made of water, so I'd be like "shape of an ice dragon"! And then he would say that I was copying him and he'd breath on me and I'd have to melt, but it was still *so* awesome.
Dr. Cox: That's funny, I don't recall asking for a really
[x10]
Dr. Cox: , ree-heeely boring story. My God, Barbie! Don't you understand no one cares?
Turk: I care.
Dr. Cox: Correction: no one important cares.

"Scrubs: My Faith in Humanity (#4.23)" (2005)

Nurse Carla Espinosa: [about Dr. Perry Cox, in his presence] Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
Dr. Elliot Reid: He doesn't have one.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Exactly! But what does he have?
Dr. Elliot Reid: A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Dr. Perry Cox: Ohh! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego! I have a giant ego!

"Scrubs: My Waste of Time (#7.10)" (2008)

[Elliot and J.D. are meeting a patient in a fast food parking lot]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why are we meeting him here?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Because the last time I met a patient at their house, I ended up on the news.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Was that the crack raid?
Dr. Elliot Reid: It was.

"Scrubs: My Fallen Idol (#5.21)" (2006)

Carla: All right, people, listen up! We are a family, and what do families do when one of their own is in trouble?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh! When my brother Barry came out of the closet, my parents send him to hetero-camp.
Carla: Families who aren't from Connecticut.

"Scrubs: My Boss's Free Haircut (#4.20)" (2005)

J.D.: Why can't Carla just let this go?
Elliot: Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his exgirlfriend?
J.D.: Yeah, but mostly because I had a husband