John 'J.D.' Dorian
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Quotes for
John 'J.D.' Dorian (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)

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"Scrubs: My New God (#5.5)" (2006)
J.D.: When is this joyous occasion?
Dr. Cox: You're not invited.
J.D.: Oh I see, family only everyone. That's how they're doing it.
Carla: I'm going.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, give me a break of course you're going! For the matter of fact, I'd like you to be the boy's godfather.
J.D.: [whispering] I... am... honored!
Dr. Cox: [whispering] I... am lying.

J.D.: Hi I'm JD! I'm sure Perry has spoken of me
Paige: No
J.D.: Nothing about taking a taunted go getter under his wig or being surrogate father to a boy who lost his one? Nothing about that at all? I'm surprised. It's interesting for me, but okay!
[thinking]
J.D.: Don't cry in front of people
Paige: Perry and I don't talk much
J.D.: Ohhh they don't talk much everybody! There's not much talking in the family.
Dr. Cox: Rest assured, Newbie. Even if we did talk from morning till night about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me. The big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer and the resurgence of the hard-shelled taco; the small...
Paige: [copying Cox] The small being my ex-wife Jordan, wind energy and a-ha-hall fruit-infused liquors... your name still would not have come up.

Paige: You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid? Every night we'd play horse in the driveway and I'd always kick his ass.
J.D.: Can Christians say ass now? I have a friend, Pat Casey, he called his mum an ass once. She hit him in the face with an iron. He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore.
Paige: Okay, I need to go say hi to Jordan.
[she walks off. Cox arrives as soon as Paige is gone]
J.D.: She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a born again Christian sister?
Dr. Cox: I don't know. Maybe the TV was broken one day and she picked up the bible and found it to be just a darn good read. Or, maybe it had something to do with out mothers ability to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think Newbie?
J.D.: Probably the room to room thing.

J.D.: He's just mad because I didn't help him move.
Jordan: Well you should have done it! Helping someone move is like oral sex, you do it once and they owe you for life.

J.D.: Dr. Cox! If it makes you feel any better, at the baptism I'll be there to keep Paige company.
Dr. Cox: Yeah. You're not going.
J.D.: Dammit! Stupid baptism.

Elliot: Uh, what's with the second beeper?
Turk: Carla gave it to me. She's got me on 24-hour baby-making alert. Man, we haven't had sex since her last ovulation. Did you know that women only do that once a month?
J.D.: Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor.
[thinking]
J.D.: Once a month? That's crazy!
Elliot: I don't know why I even bother ovulating. Little Hailey doesn't have a chance this month. I name my eggs - big frick. Last month it was Cassy
J.D.: Oh Cassy's pretty!
Elliot: Oh, she would have been, J.D. She would have been.

Turk: Aw, dammit, I gotta go have ovulation sex again.
J.D.: Are you actually complaining about getting to have sex? Because that is so insensitive, Turk!
Turk: J.D.!
J.D.: Let me feel my feelings, Turk! We worked on this!
[J.D. storms off]
Turk: I've really gotta stop doing that!
Elliot: You can talk to me if you want?
Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex.I don't understand any of that crazy gibberish you use. Penis is schwing-something...
Elliot: Schwing-schwong, peepers, or peep.
Turk: Right. And vagina is...?
Elliot: Disgusting! But also bajingo or hoo-hoo.

J.D.: Morning, sunshine!
Dr. Cox: Never say that again.
J.D.: Noted. That was quite a fight you had with your sister yesterday. Won't it be a little awkward when you show up at St. Mary's Cathedral on the corner of Maple and Pine, right across from Temple Oheb Shalom, at 4 P.M. today?
Dr. Cox: That's not where the baptism is, but nice try.
J.D.: Mark my words... when that little bastard's dipped in water, I will be there.
Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by. Mr. Donnelly's labs came back and it looks like the steroid is finally working. If you happen to be keeping score at home, that would be Medicine, One -God, Zero.
J.D.: Ah, you don't have to rub it in her face.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, and I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope down my pants every morning, but I still do. Now isn't there some other relationship you could be out there trying to fix?

J.D.: Morning, Sunshine.
Janitor: I don't like that.
J.D.: Nobody seems to.

J.D.: You can rub mine's belly if I can rub yours'.
Dr. Cox: Don't you touch my son

Dr. Cox: There will be no whining or crying while we sit here, understood?
J.D.: [Stroking Jack's hair] He seems fine.
Dr. Cox: I wasn't talking to him.
J.D.: I don't whine or cry.
Janitor: Really? Then how do you explain these photos of you whining and crying as you run away from the Kwans' apartment?
J.D.: These are coasters.
Janitor: My camera's broken.

Dr. Cox: You know what, there, Newbie? You can go to the baptism. Now take Jack; Jordan'll kill me if he's not there. Plus, I know you - you're exactly one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.
J.D.: No, thank you. If there's one thing I learned from this guy
[gestures at the Janitor]
J.D.: , it's I need to stop trying to fix people's relationships.
Janitor: You're welcome
J.D.: Still, I've never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs. In fact, you're pretty tolerant of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman
Dr. Cox: Meh
J.D.: I just don't understand why your sister being religious bothers you so much
Dr. Cox: It doesn't
J.D.: Then why are you so angry?

J.D.: [narrating] Sometimes I think it takes a child to make you see the light.

J.D.: [narrating] In the end, you just have to be willing to take the first step.

J.D.: And I know that if I make a gesture of friendship toward a coworker... I'll end up robbing an Asian couple's house.

J.D.: [J.D. has just agreed to help the Janitor move house] I'll do it!
Janitor: I knew you would. You're very predictable.
[both at the same time - J.D. trying to prove the Janitor wrong]
J.D., Janitor: No I'm not. Stop doing that! Peanut-butter-egg-dirt!


"Scrubs: My Unicorn (#4.11)" (2004)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: OK, the song goes like this: "You were wrong, I was right... I found his son, I found his son, I found his son!" And then you jump out and yell, "That's me!"
Murray Marks: Yeah, but wouldn't it be funnier if I jumped out on the second "I found your son", you know, just to get it out there?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yeah, but then who's gonna be singing the song? 'Cause it sure won't be me!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: It's not a unicorn, it's a horse with a sword on its head that protects my hopes and dreams.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anyway, know Mr. Marks? He said he doesn't have any family to be a kidney donor? But he's got a son! We gotta find this guy!
Dr. Perry Cox: Look, Newbie, there are times a man wants to keep something to himself. Say he's got a son or he's 29 years old and keeps a journal with a unicorn drawn on the cover.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's a horse with a sword on his head and he's there to guard my hopes and dreams.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Life in a hospital is never boring.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What the hell are you guys doing?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Practicing our slow motion run.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Makes everything seem more dramatic.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're doctors. Doctors.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Go get her, Turk!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Waaaaaaiiiiit!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, he's slow.

Murray Marks: He's not my dad, he's my fake dad. Which means what my fake cousin Samantha and I almost did in the 10th grade would have been beautiful and right.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Been there with my gram-gram.

Gregory Marks: Hey, I bought you a journal.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh my God, a journal!
Gregory Marks: Well, you seem like the kind of sensitive young buck that likes to chronicle his feelings.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I can't wait to chronicle this one.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Sometimes Dr. Cox is all over me like every second of my life.
Murray Marks: Why do you keep talking about your boss like he's your father.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Remember? Recently deceased dad?
Murray Marks: Massive heart attack!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yes! I mean, yes.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Look, Murray, it doesn't matter that your father's handsome and charismatic, and sings like a young Joan Baez.

Murray Marks: Whenever I'm around the guy, I'm invisible.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, come on, you're exaggerating.
Gregory Marks: Heeey, good lookin', whaaa'cha got cookin'? How's about cooking something up with me!
Murray Marks: See what I mean?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Shhh! I love this song.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You will never guess what I found on the computer?
Dr. Perry Cox: Is it a set of adult male shoulders?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: They had to trim them to get me out of the well.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, right.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I gotta tell you, Mr. Marks. Even though I know you'd never take it, I'd give you one of my kidneys in a second.
Gregory Marks: Oh, no, I would definitely take it! I would take it with my bare hands.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Awesome. Well, let me check your chart and s-see if we're a match.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Please don't be a match! Please don't be a match! Blood type O! Not a match! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm so sorry.

Mickey: I'm an airplane! Board me.
Murray Marks: He's a little off.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: He smells like fuel.
Murray Marks: He's an airplane.

Dr. Perry Cox: Who gave you this number?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm asking for your help here.
Dr. Perry Cox: Okay, but I think it's very important to focus on the "who gave you this number" issue.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Fine. Maybe I got too involved like you said, but would it kill you for once to acknowledge for that my heart was in the right place instead of spending all your time berating me.
Dr. Perry Cox: You got this number from Jordan, didn't you? She hates me.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What's your problem with your dad?
Murray Marks: Well, for starters, he named my Murray. That's an old man's name.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, come on. No, it isn't.
Murray Marks: [looks down a hallway, and shouts] Murray!
Old "Murray"s: [several old men poke their heads out of their rooms] What?
Murray Marks: Everything my father's ever done was designed to humiliate me.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Murray.
Old "Murray"s: [several old men poke their heads out of their rooms] What?
Murray Marks: What?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, the youngest Murray.
[all but one old Murray retreat]
Old Murray: I'm 68!
Murray Marks: 34!
Old Murray: Dang it!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [voice over] If Murray could look past his dad's imperfections and appreciate all the time he'd given him, maybe I owe Dr. Cox a thank you for the same thing.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [aloud, to Dr. Cox] Hey, I just want to take a second to thank you for constantly berating me, doubting my abilities, and the overall devastation of my self-esteem.
Dr. Perry Cox: My pleasure.


"Scrubs: My Way Home (#5.7)" (2006)
J.D.: And when we die, where do meet in Heaven?
Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud!
J.D.: I'll see you 'dere, bro! I love religion.

J.D.: Just try and imagine what they're going through. I mean, sometimes I think about what it's gonna be like when you die.
Turk: Because you think I'm going first due to my diabetes.
J.D.: Right. And where do we meet up in Heaven?
Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud!
J.D.: I'll see you there, playah! I love religion. The point is, Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you without being totally honest with me, you know where they'd end up?
Turk: In Hell, watching 'The View'!
J.D.: Next to the super high, unreachable cupcake table.

J.D.: Right, And where do we meet up in heaven
Turk: by the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud

Dr. Cox: Your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you five days may seem like an eternity as it's roughly five times as long as any of your pasty relationships have lasted. But trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.
Elliot: Oh really? Because you never went to assface school, but you seem to be an expert at that. Am I right?
J.D.: [didn't hear conversation, but high-fives Elliot] Here's some!
Dr. Cox: You're going to high five THAT? Bi-hig mistake.
J.D.: I didn't know what I was high-fiving. I gotta stop doing that.
Elliot: Did you eat my mango body butter?
J.D.: No.
[thinking]
J.D.: I smeared it on a bagel.

J.D.: Living with Elliot was certainly different. Every inch of her apartment was filled with girly stuff. There were lavender-scented candles, pink robes, bath salts... It was awesome!

The Janitor: Kelso's starting new line painting to help people get around. Green's gonna go to the smokers's lounge, blue is for the I.C.U., yellow to all the exits.
J.D.: What's red for?
The Janitor: Sneaker painting.
[he sprays J.D.'s white sneakers red]

J.D.: [to Keith] Why would you page me?
Dr. Cox: Because I told him to, and I know what you're thinking Dorothy, why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh darn trivial. But the real question ought to be: why when YOU were an intern did you call me in time, after time, after time, after time.

J.D.: A hospital can sometimes feel like a magical place, where people's hopes and dreams are often far from ordinary. Whether they're looking for brains, a heart, or courage. As for me, I was just gonna keep on following that yellow line and hope I'd eventually get back home.

J.D.: And where do we meet up in heaven?
Turk: By the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud!
J.D.: I'll see you there, playa! I love religion.

Turk: Now how do I tell these people they should let their son go?
J.D.: Just try and imagine what they're going through. I mean, sometimes I think about what it's gonna be like when you die.
Turk: Because you think I'm going first due to my Diabetes.
J.D.: Right. And where do we meet up in heaven?
Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud!
J.D.: I'll see you there playa! I love religion. The point is Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you without being totally honest with me, you know where they'd end up?
Turk: In hell watching 'The View'!
J.D.: Next to the Super High Unreachable Cupcake Table.

J.D.: [walks into hospital soaking wet] You're not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital, are you? I think I saw a manatee.
The Janitor: Was his name Julian?
J.D.: We didn't exchange pleasantries.
The Janitor: That's Julian.

[hitting JD after speaking while in a body bag thinking he's a dead person]
J.D.: Doug, why are you hitting me?
Doug Murphy: Cause I thought you were a dead person coming back to life.
J.D.: Then why were you hitting me?
Doug Murphy: Dead people should be dead!

Jordan: It's Jack's first birthday, I want it to be special. I got a petting zoo for the kids, and we need to figure out something great for the adults.
Dr. Cox: How about a russian roulette booth? And here's the kicker, we put bullets in all the chambers, that way *everybody* wins!
J.D.: [butting in] will there be a piñata? Because I need to know if I should bring my piñata helmet.
Jordan: Up-up-bah! The only reason we invited you is because for *some* reason, you have your own Spongebob Squarepants Costume!
J.D.: It was a gift!
[voice-over]
J.D.: From me, to me!


"Scrubs: My Day at the Races (#5.3)" (2006)
Carla: JD, you have to get out, this place is tiny. And I'm sick of seing your manpanties hanging all over the bathroom.
J.D.: They're called boxers, Carla.

Carla: Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us, so get your crap up by Friday.
J.D.: Friday?
Carla: Friday!
J.D.: Friday's my birthday. I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.
Carla: Whose place?
J.D.: Your place. Look, I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I already got 2 e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.
Carla: Babmi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.

J.D.: That's it! I'll do the triathlon!
Carla: Oh, you don't know anything about triathlons!
J.D.: Well, I didn't know anything about cereal inventing, either, Carla. And yet if it wasn't for a certain harshly-worded cease and desist letter, we'd all be eating J.D.'s Bananas & Nuts.
Carla: You're not serious about this, are you?

Elliot: How's it goin'?
J.D.: Well, my bike is rusty, I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they first touched water, and the only thing I've had to eat all day is a half a jellyfish. Why are you here?
Elliot: Can I talk to you about Jake?
J.D.: It's a dangerous topic. Talk to Carla.
Elliot: Yeah, anytime I talk to Carla about a guy, she tells me to marry him so the four of us can go to dinner together.

Elliot: This Jake thing is still really bothering me.
J.D.: Elliot, you know our rules.
Elliot: Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Who wants to have a superficial friendship? I mean, God, do you remember how close we used to be? Dealing with Dr. Cox, dealing with our screwed-up families, talking about everything? I miss that.
J.D.: This is working.
Elliot: Not for me! I wanna be able to tell you that my boyfriend really freaked me out.
J.D.: Well, if he freaked you out, why don't you go talk to him?

J.D.: All right, fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You're just like me. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life. But instead of running a triathlon, you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with. And you know as well as I do, one of these days he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that; and you wanna know why? It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?
Elliot: You're pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes.

J.D.: They say that, in life, all good things must come to an end.

J.D.: Elliot, I'm thirty years old; I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.
Elliot: Why don't you just move into my place?
J.D.: Oh, great, then we'll be two losers under one roof.

J.D.: As for me, I could overcome any obstacle, as long as I had Elliot and her ridiculously strong thighs beneath me.

J.D.: I've done nothing - I mean I did learn another language but it was just that one where you just put a b-sound in the middle of every single word... and I was never fluent.
Turk: That secret language was so lame!
J.D.: Nobba with the ladie-bb-ys!

J.D.: Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients.
Dr. Doug Murphy: It's a slow day in the morgue. Nothing is written in stone.
J.D.: You wrote a time of death.
Dr. Doug Murphy: I wrote one-ish.
J.D.: Get outta here!

Carla: Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us so get your crap out by Friday.
J.D.: Friday? Friday's my birthday. I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.
Carla: Whose place?
J.D.: Your place. Look I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I've got two e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.
Carla: Bambi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.
J.D.: It's a Mexican themed fiesta on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. That means I'm turning thirty. Donde? 56 Walnut Drive. Cuando? Thank you for asking, ocho-thirty until upside down question mark. Sombreros at the door. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooh!
Turk: I'll be there.
J.D.: Gracias, amigo.
[to Carla]
J.D.: I borrowed one of your dictionaries.


"Scrubs: My Jiggly Ball (#5.4)" (2006)
J.D.: ...it has been on the news for months.
Janitor: Sorry rich boy. My TV doesn't get the news. Just the bible channel and some kind of Chinese boxing.

Keith: Nailed it!
J.D.: Good job man! What did you say?
Keith: Well, I just told him there's nothing more we can do right now.
Turk and J.D.: Ohhhhh!
Keith: What?
J.D.: "Nothing more we can do right now" implies there may be something we can do tomorrow.
Keith: Well, I also said we'd make him as comfortable as possible.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Sounds like someone's getting new pillows and a comforter.
Keith: That man knows he's doomed!
[the patient happily waves at them]
J.D.: Yeeeah, I'm gonna need you to go back in there and use some form of the words die, dead, dying, deadsies, deadwood. Your choice.
Keith: What was the middle one?
J.D.: Deadsies.

Dr. Perry Cox: Look, if you get up there and start kissing Kelso's ass, all your fellow attendings will forever think of you as a brown-nosing toady. On the other hand, if you don't pucker up, Kelso will make your life a living hell. You're officially trapped.
J.D.: I'll just say something nice about him that's actually true.
Dr. Perry Cox: You go do that. And I'll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally, and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible. Mm'kay?

Dr. Christopher Turk: Mr. Keck! What do you say we get you into surgery and take care of that hernia!
Mr. Keck: Ummm, I don't know if surgery is necessary. Last night I was in pain, so I went to a free clinic. The doctor there said surgery wasn't my only option.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Well, you're just gonna have to get him on the phone and tell him that I won't be second-opinioned by a clinic doctor who couldn't carry my jockstrap!
[Holds his hand up to J.D]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Gimme some!
J.D.: [High-fives him] Here it is.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [in Free Clinic, on the phone with Mr Keck] Yeah, I think I know this guy. Is he a cocky black doctor with a white doctor following him around and looking at him like he's in love?
J.D.: [in in Mr Kecks room]
[to Turk]
J.D.: You would make a pretty girl.
Mr. Keck: [Into phone] Yeah.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [back in Free Clinic] All right, now repeat after me...
Mr. Keck: [to Turk] "You can't decide for me, that's not your duty."
Dr. Elliot Reid: And are they both trying not to laugh at the word "duty"?
Mr. Keck: [J.D. and Turk try to hold their giggles back]
[Into phone]
Mr. Keck: Yeah. Hey, Heckle and Jeckle, you know what? No surgery.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Grabbing the phone] Who the hell is this?
Free Clinic Patient: [into Phone] Where are my shoelaces?
Dr. Elliot Reid: I said to tell him that he had a laxity in the peritoneal wall and that surgery was unnecessarily invasive! Was that so hard?

Dr. Christopher Turk: Elliot, nobody respects clinic doctors.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really, Turk? I think your hernia patient does.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Laughing] I'm not upset about that!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's obvious you are.
J.D.: It's more obvious to me, baby - I mean Turk.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, I know this place isn't the greatest, but it's not like I lie awake thinking about being yelled at by Dr. Cox or playing Jiggly Ball with the orderlies.

J.D.: Can you believe Elliot's working in a free clinic?
Dr. Perry Cox: Who?
J.D.: Dr. Reid?
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm sorry, that's just not ringing a bell.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: She and J.D. used to sleep together.
Dr. Perry Cox: J.D.?
J.D.: That's not even funny!
Dr. Perry Cox: Priscilla, I honestly, on my mother's grave, thought your real name was Carol.

J.D.: [narrating] I don't know why we were running. Because I think we both knew that we couldn't change anything. Because given a choice between a rich guy and a poor guy, it was pretty obvious who Bob Kelso would put in the drug trial... and who he'd leave behind. Another banner day at Sacred Heart. A best friend stuck in a crappy job... A nice guy slowly dying without a fighting chance. It's a wonder how anyone can walk out of this place with a smile on their face.

Nurse Carla Espinosa: Guys, listen, we really need to help Elliot.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, she said she doesn't want to be helped.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: If J.D. were drowning and he told you he didn't want you to save him, wouldn't you do it?
Dr. Christopher Turk: That depends. What if there're hot chicks at the pool? Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Let's say there's no women.
Dr. Christopher Turk: There's always women at the pool, baby!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Fine. He's in a pond.
J.D.: Oh, I would never swim in a pond! They're infamous for serpents!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You could swim at the Y on Tuesdays - men only
J.D.: Have you been to the Y on man night? Not me.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: N - oka - fine! Turk's the one who's drowning!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh! So now a brother can't swim!
J.D.: Why do you have to go there?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh my God! I would rather play Jiggly Ball than try to explain this to you two idiots.
J.D.: [thinking] She's the idiot! We're doctors.

J.D.: Guys, why?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: The Janitor told us that if we pretended to know about Jiggly Ball, we get to throw tennis balls at you.

J.D.: There is no such thing as Jiggly Ball, is there?
Janitor: No

J.D.: Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Bob Kelso is a...
Dr. Bob Kelso: [Rises and takes the mic] Thank you, Dr. Dorian!
[the audience claps]
Dr. Bob Kelso: Thank you so much for this award. Delighted to see you all...
Dr. Perry Cox: Did I say he wanted a long introduction? Because Kelso just, he just likes when people say his name. Hope you didn't obsess too much about that, Newbie.

J.D.: As far as Bob Kelso goes, I know sometimes even the good things he does are for the wrong reasons. Still, I also know that I wouldn't want to have to make any of the decisions that he makes.


"Scrubs: My Quarantine (#4.16)" (2005)
Carla: You know, on a first date, I could see what a guy was wearing and know exactly how far he was gonna get that night.
Elliot: Oh, me, too. And THAT guy's gettin' boobies!
[J.D. removes jacket, revealing his button up shirt to be short sleeved]
Elliot: Whooooa! THAT guy's gettin' a hug at the door!
[J.D. removes button up to reveal an Electric Boogie belly shirt]
Elliot: And THAT guy is getting a fake name and a phone number with six digits!
J.D.: I know how ridiculous this looks.
Carla: I don't think you do!

J.D.: So far, the highlight of the night has been putting the opossum to sleep, and that's *not* a euphemism.

J.D.: Danni, I'd love to stay and talk, but I'm giving Kylie here a tour of the ICU.
Homeless Steve: Hey, hey, hey - you were gonna take me back to the underpass.
J.D.: After the tour! What is it with you and the underpass?

J.D.: It's so great because the residents are practically our slaves.
J.D.: [thought] Ah! I just said "slave" to my new, black girlfriend!
Kylie: Unfreeze, J.D.; it's over.

Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: [reading the chart] Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise... Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Patient: Yeah.
J.D.: [thought] And then I said something stupid...
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [thought] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lock-down.
Dr. Perry Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni Sullivan: [offering a flask] Quaran-tinies, anyone?

Dr. Bob Kelso: Mr. Donaldson hasn't been to Hong Kong in twenty years, so I'd bet my one remaining testicle no one has SARS. Unfortunately, by hospital policy, we have to stay locked down until the labs come back and that's going to take several hours. So, let's hang in there and not forget this is all Dr. Dorian's fault.
[everyone glares at J.D., who makes introductions]
J.D.: Kylie, angry mob; angry mob, Kylie.

J.D.: So be honest: Is this the worst first date you've ever been on or what?
Kylie: I don't know. I think it's kind of exciting: being in a hospital, getting to see you in action. I just wish I could be your assistant.
J.D.: Say no more. Lonnie! Shirt!
Lonnie: No!
J.D.: Don't make me say "pants" - I'll do it.
[Lonnie removes his scrub shirt and gives it to Kylie]
J.D.: Still tanning, I see.
Kylie: He's your bitch, isn't he?

Elliot: So, how's it going with Kylie?
[J.D. motions toward Kylie, who's asleep in a chair]
J.D.: This sucks! I need to look like a stud and a doctor can't look like a stud unless he's saving somebody's life. I need someone to have a heart attack!
[Homeless Steve appears]
Homeless Steve: Got twenty bucks?

J.D.: I could hear the pain in my best friend's voice and I could feel how little I cared, because by the way Kylie was looking at me, I knew she thought I was sexy.

[standing at a patient bed over the homeless patient who threatened to expose the fake-heart-attack ruse]
Elliot: Wow - he is *really* out.
J.D.: A mild sedative "fell" into his juice box.

J.D.: JD: 1, Lord: 0.


"Scrubs: My Missed Perception (#5.6)" (2006)
Dr. Kelso: Last week I was in the mall hanging out at Brookstones when some kid asked me if I was lost.
J.D.: Brookstone. Looking for gadgets sir?
Dr. Kelso: If that's what you call trolling for mall ass, sure.

Mrs. Wilk: You are a strange young man, aren't you?
J.D.: I was a preemie.

Dr. Perry Cox: Hand over your stethoscope.
J.D.: What?
Dr. Perry Cox: In victory, I get your stethoscope. It's a trophy. You're lucky we're not back in olden times, I would have made a necklace out of your teeth.
J.D.: I find this highly unproffesional.
[J.D. gives Dr Cox his stethoscope]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now I'm going to check on Mr Jenkins, your war hero. I feel he too deserves a competent doctor. In fact, I'm gonna take all of your patients. And consequently your only reason to get out of that lasie over pillowed 4 poster virgin cocoon you call a bed every morning.

Dr. Elliot Reid: I should have just believed Mr Peele. I mean, it's not like somebody just poos their pants for no reason.
J.D.: Turk did that in college on a bet.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Carla didn't know that story, thank you.

J.D.: Sometimes when you're feeling guilty it's like a storm could over your head

J.D.: [about Mr. Jenkins] I know, he's homeless and smells like an obese man's twosie...
Mr. Jenkins: Hey!
J.D.: Sorry, thought you were napping.

Dr. Elliot Reid: Ohh, Roland's gonna be mad.
J.D.: Oh well. He's 6, what's he gonna do? Kick my ass?
[thinking]
J.D.: Again?

Mr. Bursick: Which people do I hate again?
J.D.: Immigrants, Mister Bursick. You hate all immigrants.
Mr. Bursick: And why do I hate...
J.D.: I don't have time, Mister Bursick. Guys, if I give you a patient I expect you to work your butt off for him. And P.S., Mr Jenkins is a Vietnam Vet, so let's take care of him like he took care of our nation. Get out of here! That's how you light a fire under their butt Perry, you let them go with some inspiration...
Dr. Perry Cox: Too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, to much talking, too much talking. Why did you order a BNP test on my patient Mrs Wilk last night?
J.D.: Because she's my patient.
Dr. Perry Cox: Interesting, since i admitted her.
J.D.: And I treated her last night.
Mr. Bursick: Dr Dorian, why do I hate all immigrants?
J.D.: Because they're stealing all of our jobs, Mr Bursick... stealing aaall of our jobs. Perry, we spend an equal lot of time of Mrs Wilk. Now seing that we're both attendings, why don't we let her decide who her doctor is?
Dr. Perry Cox: Ooor we could skip the day trip to unessesary land and instead simply conceed that Mrs Wilk is my patient. And while we are both attendings, we are in no way equals - we are in fact not equal. We are UN-equals.

J.D.: This morning you told me you had a great life.
Mrs. Wilk: Exactly, and I'd like to continue it.
J.D.: Oh, this is a misunderstanding. I'm so sorry.
[to Cox]
J.D.: Tell her it's a misunderstanding.
Dr. Perry Cox: He's tried to kill before.

Dr. Christopher Turk: Where's the donut truck? I was paged there was a donut track out here!
Dr. Elliot Reid: I got paged there was a handbag sample sale!
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Where's the booby-touching booth?
J.D.: It's weird. It's like everyone was lured out here by the thing they want most in the world.
Dr. Perry Cox: [arriving running, watching J.D] Hey! You're not getting your ass kicked!
Dr. Kelso: Hold the phone... look! Bleachers! Ladder! Bucket of combs! She's trying to take the picture! Scatter!
[everybody runs away]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [standing on the top of a ladder] Nobody move! Laverne, door!
Nurse Laverne Roberts: [standing on the threshold of the hospital's entrance, holding a broom] Nobody's getting past here, baby!


"Scrubs: My Office (#4.2)" (2004)
[after Dr. Cox announced that J.D. and Elliot are both gonna be chief resident]
J.D.: Uh... What now?
Dr. Cox: Well, I figure with her being ridiculously booksmart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills and you being warm and cuddly as an unpotty-trained labradoodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an unpotty-trained labradoodle, together the two of you would make one barely passable doctor... slash labradoodle...

J.D.: Hey, when Elliot asked you if she could run for chief resident and you said "why not," that was just a goof, right?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Cox. Ran all those tests on Mr. Landisman.
Dr. Cox: Top-notch work, there, Barbie! She's good! She's very, very, very good! Now, sorry, where were we?
J.D.: I am a medical professional, and you are not gonna get me to compete with Elliot.
Dr. Cox: Well, Jo-Jo, right now she's winning.
J.D.: Let me know how to get back on top. I'll do anything, even if it means I have to kill somebody!
Dr. Cox: Well, you could start by getting the lightbulb out of this genius's pooper. Impress me.
J.D.: Oh, I'll impress you!

J.D.: No, no. I totally understand. Come on, you did what you had to do. You went with your gut; Elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions, though: Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love? Who's gonna tell my mom? And what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards?

Dr. Elliot Reid: Yes, I'm happy! But I'd be happier if I didn't have to share the job with such a jerk!
J.D.: Elliot. I can hear you.
Dr. Molly Clock: You guys, the situation would be perfect for my study.
J.D.: Oh, no.
J.D.: Don't worry, Johnny. Everyone's gonna be anonymous, I'm only using initials. You'll be "J.D."

Dr. Elliot Reid: Don't worry, I just came to check on my patients.
J.D.: Do whatever you want, just don't come over to my area.
Dr. Elliot Reid: You couldn't pay me to come over to your area.
J.D.: Well, I wouldn't pay you.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Well, you don't have enough money.
J.D.: It just so happens I have a rich uncle who'd do anything for me, but I'd never call in that favor just to pay you to come over to my area!

J.D.: The best thing about this place is that when someone's really in trouble, all the pettiness melts away

J.D.: Can you imagine us trying to do that three years ago?
Dr. Elliot Reid: [laughing] I know. Remember our first code?
J.D.: Well, I remember hiding in a supply closet.
Dr. Elliot Reid: That's the one
J.D.: [narrating] Ultimately, conflict is resolved by remembering why you were friends in the first place.

J.D.: I miss this. This, like, hanging out, you know?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Me too.
J.D.: We should go get coffee.
Dr. Elliot Reid: We're having coffee.
J.D.: No, no, I mean like, like outside coffee - real world coffee.The point is, we should... hang out outside the hospital sometime.
Dr. Elliot Reid: J.D., I still need time. I know that's gonna be hard for you because you like to fix everything right way, but... you just do the best you can, okay?
J.D.: Is it fixed now?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Nope.

J.D.: In the end, though, it doesn't really matter how you get there. As long as you're friends again.

J.D.: [after Elliott removes a sign with her fingers that he couldn't with a crowbar] She has fingers like biceps.


"Scrubs: My Malpractical Decision (#4.9)" (2004)
Dr. Bob Kelso: Shore it up, people. Neena Broderick's in the building.
Ted Buckland: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: As tactless as it was to yell that in a room of very sick people, Ted had a point.

Dr. Christopher Turk: J.D., big news! Guess what my new cell phone number spells?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why'd you get a new cell phone number. Your old number spelled kufunninapuh.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, well this one's 916-Call-Turk. Yeah, so now all you gotta do is call Turk!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: How am I supposed to remember that? I'm begging you, stick with kufunninapuh.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Come on, man, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me besides getting married.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: She's not here.
Dr. Christopher Turk: It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: For your information there's a certain foxy nurse that requested my services at her apartment just last weekend.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Hold on, I'm almost there.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Okay! Your new bed's all in! What now?
Foxy Nurse: You leave.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Still don't understand why he couldn't do it.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Okay, I'm confused. I thought you weren't interested in me.
Neena Broderick: Well, maybe I just said that to make it easier for you. Or maybe I said it because I knew you'd do what wanted you to do. I'm not sure.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You know, if you really wanna piss him off, we should follow him to his office and just have sex in front of him. Ahhhh, that would never work, I couldn't perform. It's a mentor thing.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why are you doing this?
Neena Broderick: I love my dad. I'd do anything. But if it makes you feel any better, I think you're really sweet.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: How am I supposed to believe that?
Neena Broderick: Well, you can't. I already lied to you once so the trust is broken, even though I'd never lie to you again.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Really?
Neena Broderick: Who knows.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What are you doing here?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Ah, hiding from Doug. He asked me a question I haven't answered yet. You?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I was trying to make a dramatic exit. I thought this was a patient's room.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Right.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: All right, even if I am a little desperate, Neena was not playing me.
Neena Broderick: I was playing you.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You're just saying that because he's here.
Neena Broderick: No, I manipulated you.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You're just saying that because he's here.
Neena Broderick: Okay, we seem to be a bit of a loop here, so I'm just gonna step over and talk to this one.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Listen, I know you hate everything about Miss Broderick, but her father is in need of medical care, and it's our medical obligation to treat him whether his daughter is a murderer, a drug addict, or a terrorist.
Dr. Perry Cox: I know, but a lawyer?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Even a lawyer.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: But CALL-TURK is eight numbers.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I know, actually it's just CALL-TUR, but I'm hoping people will dial the K anyway.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'll always dial the K for you.
Dr. Christopher Turk: You're a good friend.


"Scrubs: My Female Trouble (#4.10)" (2004)
Carla: Girls! I want an explanation.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Fine. Turk, tell her our code.
Turk: If you haven't had sex in six months, you're not accountable for who you sleep with.

Neena Broderick: Morning. I'll see you at the deposition. I'll try not to spank your lawyer as hard as I spanked him last night.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Bye! FYI, there was no spanking last night, okay?
Carla: Really? Then this won't hurt then.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Nope.
Turk: Hit him again baby.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why?

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Okay, this woman is horrifying, so don't panic.
Jordan Sullivan: I'll be fine.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I was talking to myself.

Carla: What is the matter with you two? JD, you said you were going to break up with Neena.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I know! Believe me, the whole time we were having sex I was thinking about Turk. That came out wrong.

Carla: Here's what's going to happen. You're going to drop this lawsuit because it's wrong and you know it. But also because if you don't, I'm going to pound the plaid right off of that shirt and make it so that the only way you'll be able to eat pie is through a straw!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Jordan's making me stretch out her new jeans.
Dr. Perry Cox: Cry me a river. Guess what Gandhi's wife is making me do because if supposedly "broke his spirit".
Harvey Corman: Ever since the operation, I've been serving lefty so it could be a little unpredictable.

Jordan Sullivan: You are so much stronger than all the other idiot residents around here.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Jordan? I need you to break up with someone for me.
Jordan Sullivan: Really.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Wait, hold on Turk! Haven't you ever heard of keeping your enemies closer? I was just keeping her close!

Carla: JD, how could you do this to Turk? You two are so close that I occassionally have nightmares of running away together.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Where do we go?
Turk: One time we went to Aspen.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I hope it was summer. I'm not that big a skier.


"Scrubs: Her Story (#4.5)" (2004)
J.D.: Half of what rappers say doesn't make any sense. Like that Snoop Dogg Dr.Dre song? What is "still hittin' them corners and those ho-hos girl" mean?
Turk: Many diadvantaged African-Americans have limited nutritional choices, therefore they must subsist of Ho-Ho snack cakes. It's a black thing, bra.
Dr. Clock: Actually, Turk, it's "still hittin' them corners and those low-lows girl". It's low-lows, not ho-hos.
Elliot: See, Turk, in the hood, a low-low is a low rider, or a car with an adjusted suspension which allows it to bounce up and down.
[Elliot and Molly both inmitate bouncing]
J.D.: [laughs] Ha-ha-ha.
Elliot: And Dre and Snoop like driving around together in their low riders around the corners, or lizzle-rizzles.
[starts rapping]
Elliot: I'm representin' for them gangsters all across the world!
Dr. Clock: Still hittin' them corners and them low-lows girls!
Elliot, Dr. Clock: I'm takin' my time to perfect the beat, and I still got love for da street!
Carla: Turk, you just got schooled on rap by the two whitest chicks in America!
Turk: None of you can prove it.
J.D.: I got it on tape.
Elliot, Dr. Clock: Whicka, whicka, whicka.
[imitating scratching discs]

Turk: Well, you're better off watching good ol' Papa Smurf, here! Yeah, he says leadership boils down to three things: Smurferation, Smurferation, Smurf.
J.D.: Preparation, Inspiration, and Fear?
Turk: You know it.

Turk: Dude, I've got my own problems! I've got a bedtime again! I haven't had a bedtime in like twelve years!
J.D.: You had a bedtime when you were seventeen?
Turk: No! Not every night. On the weekends I didn't have to be in bed by 11, but I had to be in my room.
J.D.: Oh. That's way cooler.
Turk: The point is Carla's setting some kind of record on being a major pain in the ass, and I can't help you.

J.D.: Okay, everybody, gather around please?
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I need to talk to you?
J.D.: I'm a little busy right now, Perry!
Dr. Cox: Oh. My fault, I'll come back later.
J.D.: Oh, and another thing, From now on, I'd prefer it if you'd address me as "Dr. Dorian."
Dr. Cox: [sotto] Are you really doing this?
J.D.: [sotto] You bet your ass I am. And from now on, if you have a problem with me, you come see me in private, not in front of my boys! My boys got enough to worry about!
Dr. Cox: [sotto] Wrap it up, there, bingo.
J.D.: I simply will not tolerate it, Perry! And neither will my boys!
Dr. Cox: [sotto] The next minute you find yourself alone, I'm gonna kill ya.
J.D.: [sotto] It was worth it.

J.D.: As I watched Elliot and Molly walk off, and thought about how Lonnie was a much less stable giant doctor base than Turk, I realized how important it is to have someone close to you that you can count on.

J.D.: [into recorder] Mrs. MacCalla, 40s, moderately attractive, condition improving.
Mrs. MacCalla: Did you just say I was moderately attractive?
J.D.: Excuse me, Mrs. MacCalla.
[into recorder]
J.D.: Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.

Dr. Cox: Tell you what, there, Gidget, if you promise to leave right now, I won't yell at you in front of your peons anymore.
J.D.: You ruined my credibility! Now look me in the eyes and tell me that's not messed up!
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Later on today when you are with your residents, I'll come up for something, you'll tell me you're too busy in a manly way, and I will contritely turn around and walk out of the room with my tail between my legs. Problem solved.
J.D.: Can you pull off contrite?
Dr. Cox: Can you pull off manly way?
J.D.: Should have seen that coming.

Dr. Cox: Gloria, you're supposed to start at 7 o'clock and it's now 7. 03.
J.D.: I'm sorry I was late but I was singing and I fell. And I know I've used the falling excuse before but it's happened again


"Scrubs: My Old Friend's New Friend (#4.1)" (2004)
J.D.: Come on, man, it's our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station. You must have a metaphor you want to use; hit me with it!
Dr. Cox: I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Lemme see, uhh... Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything - eve - everything that exists - past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh! And Hugh Jackman.

Dr. Cox: I sure hope you're comfortable in that bed, because you're gonna be in one just like it for the rest of your natural born life.
J.D.: What the hell was that?
Dr. Cox: That was me talking to a patient who has thrown in the towel. You can't save everyone, Newbie, so I suggest you start working with people who want your help. That's what I will be doing.

J.D.: I just want you to know I'm not ready to give up on Mr. Radford.
Dr. Cox: Do you want me to give you my "things I don't care about" speech again? Because, you know, I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything.
J.D.: I agrizzle, my nizzle.
Dr. Cox: Go on home and get in bed, will ya. I'm betting your friend Mr. Radford's already in his. I'll see ya.

J.D.: Why the giant X?
Janitor: Why the stupid face?
J.D.: Touché.
Janitor: You know, I know you knocked that exit sign down.
J.D.: Well then I'm sure I can expect an appropriate retaliatory response. Maybe you could shoot me in the neck.

Dr. Clock: Look, isn't it possible that Dr. Cox tricked you as a motivational ploy?
J.D.: Hmm, no.
Dr. Clock: After he said there was no hope with Mr. Radford, didn't you both work harder?
J.D.: Nnoo! You're like a crazy person!
Dr. Clock: I'll tell you something else. I mean, Dr. Cox is a text-book closed-off alpha male. I mean, you can try forever, but you're never gonna get that hug that you really want.
J.D.: Uh, excuse me, I'm not a child. I'm a doctor.
[thinking]
J.D.: And i'll get that hug!

Dr. Clock: So where were we?
J.D.: Er... we weren't talking
Dr. Clock: Was it cause of something you did cause i'm totally over it. I don't even remember what it was
J.D.: No i mean like, we've never talked
Dr. Clock: How do i know your name then?
J.D.: You don't
Dr. Clock: You're freaking me out Jimmy
J.D.: It's Johnny
[thinking]
J.D.: Why would you say Johnny. You hate Johnny

J.D.: Whether or not you survive in a hospital is all about how you handle your relationships.

J.D.: When you get back from surgery we'll play scrabble again and this time I'll beat you.
Dr. Kelso: Well, of course you'll beat her, son, she's having half her brain removed.


"Scrubs: My New Game (#4.3)" (2004)
J.D.: Hey, uh, you need to move your car - it's my day to have the parking spot
Elliot: J.D., you have a scooter! Why do you even need a parking spot?
J.D.: Mmmm, it sends a message.

J.D.: Well, as you may have heard from the loudspeaker, some residents, the janitor, my mother, your mother, and a coma patient, um, I'm being referred to as the "co-" chief resident. I think we should either both go with "co-chief" or "chief." Don't you... co-agree?
Lonnie: Excuse me. We're working up this patient for a hypercoagulable state with a prolonged PTT? What's our next step?
J.D.: Well, that's easy, Lonnie, what you want to do...
Lonnie: 'd like my answer from the *chief* resident.

J.D.: In a hospital, it's hard not to let your personal life affect your professional life.

J.D.: So! How you guys gonna celebrate your divorce?
Turk: By not inviting you!
J.D.: Oh my God! Dude! I doubted you for a second, why are you so mad?
Turk: Maybe I needed you to believe in me!
Carla: I believe in you, baby.
Turk: Yeah, but we're married - that doesn't count.

Turk: Look J.D, I've gotta go, I can't be late... I got a new attending-plus, he's a question talker.
J.D.: What's a question talker?
The New Attending: Do I want you to be on time, Dr. Turk? Yes I do, Am I going to remember this? Of course I am.

Janitor: What's that? Your new cool guy walk?
J.D.: Nope, I have rocks in my shoe.
[empties it]
J.D.: Wow, that's a lot of rocks. I gotta stop taking that shortcut through the quarry.

J.D.: Look, man, it was one second of doubt, okay? Since when do you care what anybody else thinks?
Turk: I don't. I care what you think.


"Scrubs: My Choosiest Choice of All (#3.19)" (2004)
J.D.: You don't enjoy hanging out with me, do you?
Danni Sullivan: Not really, I'm more into tough guys, you know?
J.D.: Last night in bed I knocked you unconscious.
Danni Sullivan: For like 5 seconds.

J.D.: How could you do this to me?
Elliot: Do what?
J.D.: I don't know, come over to my house, sleep with me and the dump me the minute Sean shows up so I'd feel like a complete loser.
Elliot: Oh, you seem real crushed, I mean, you jumped into bed with Danny so quick you didn't have time to change the sheets.
J.D.: You know I only have one set.

J.D.: When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you made.

J.D.: [FANTASY: J.D. has a bullhorn and a Viking hat] Attention, Sacred Heart! Everyone please gather 'round. Doctors, nurses, patients, hear ye, hear ye. Everyone should know that last night, Elliot Reid and I made passionate love for a good hour and a half. Check that - a *great* hour and a half!

J.D.: [Sean and Elliot are kissing. J.D. watches them miserably, until Sean notices him staring] You've got something on your face.
Sean Kelly: [Breaks the kiss and wipes at his face] What?
J.D.: [In thought] The love of my life.
[Out loud]
J.D.: You got it.

J.D.: Hey, you wanna play darts?
Danni Sullivan: Sure!
[She gets up excitedly]
J.D.: Great! Have fun, I'll be over here.
Danni Sullivan: Do you even enjoy spending time with me?
J.D.: *Enjoy* is such a strong word... I... I'm used to it. You know, like cafeteria food, or the constant threat of terrorism.

J.D.: So I guess... this is over.
Danni Sullivan: Why?
J.D.: So, you'd rather hang out with someone you don't even like than be alone?
Danni Sullivan: Yeah, pretty much.
J.D.: [Despondently] Yeah, me too.


"Scrubs: My Conventional Wisdom (#6.20)" (2007)
Dr. Christopher Turk: How are you doing?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Not too bad, considering I just had a bomb dropped on me.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh no, that was bigger than a bomb, more like an asteroid about to hit the planet, you know? People running in the streets screaming "Oh my god, it's coming right at us!", and then dudes turning to hot chicks and being all like "Look, we're about to die so can I hit that?", and then the girls like "Hell to the no!", but then she realizes, "Oh my god, I'm about to die, so you know what? Yeah you can hit this, but no kissing."
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's exactly what it's like!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Say I was too nervous to hit on that girl over there what advice would you give me?
Old M.C.: Bust a move.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Alright, alright. What if a great song comes on and I'm too shy to get down, what should I do?
Old M.C.: Bust a move.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You're awesome, man, what are you drinking, we'll buy you one.
Old M.C.: Bust a move.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why would you tell me you miscarried our child when you clearly didn't?
Dr. Kim Briggs: That's probably a question I should answer more face to face after the lecture.
[stammering]
Dr. Kim Briggs: Are there any other questions? Yes, you sir.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, uh, I think you should answer his question.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [thinking] How did he get over there so fast?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [out loud] You're a good friend.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I got your back.
Dr. Kim Briggs: [breathing deeply] Anyone else have a question? Yes you i-in the back.
Old M.C.: Bust a move!
Dr. Kim Briggs: Really more a statement than a question, but thank you.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm just so mad I literally don't know what to say to her.
[J.D. holds up his hand to stop Old M.C. from talking as he walks by]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Don't you dare. Part of me wants to talk to her, part of me wants to...
Old M.C.: [yelling from a distance] Bust a move?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You have a problem, sir, seek help!

Dr. Kim Briggs: What can I possibly say?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I don't know. How about "There might be something living in my uterus."

Dr. Christopher Turk: So when the conference starts, I pretend to choke, and you say, "Is there a doctor in the house?" It's going to kill.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yeah, but don't really choke, 'cause that wouldn't be funny.

Bartender: I'm sorry. We don't have appletinis. I can make you a peachtini.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Too foofy for my taste. I'll just have a beer, thanks... with a pineapple wedge.


"Scrubs: Her Story II (#5.10)" (2006)
J.D.: You're okay buttercup?
Julie Quinn: The glass broke in my month

Turk: So, when am I gonna get to meet Julie?
J.D.: Do I want her to meet Turk this soon? What if he doesn't like her?
Turk: What are you doing?
J.D.: I'm saying all my thoughts out loud so that I don't mess this relationship up
Turk: I don't understand
J.D.: I forgot, sometimes Turk is slow. You know what? It's time for her to meet the people in my life. I think she's gonna do great

Dr. Cox: Weeeeell, look what we have here: it is a visual representation of how alcohol affects people of different ages. We have the young...
[indicates Julie]
Julie Quinn: [brightly] Morning!
Dr. Cox: [moving to Elliot] ... the slightly older...
Elliot: [clearly hungover] Please stop talking.
Dr. Cox: [moving to Carla] ... the slightly older still...
Carla: [mumbles incoherently]
Dr. Cox: [moving to Jordan, who is wearing dark sunglasses and not moving] ... and last, the very, very, VERY old. She is unconscious and virtually unwakeable. Witness.
[he grabs Jordan's shoulders and shakes her]
Dr. Cox: Jorda-roo! Jorda-licious! Jorda-roni!
[Jordan doesn't react]
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.
J.D.: Ha! I'll get you ladies some more coffee. Jordan, if you're willing to pay for it, just sit there frozen.
[no response]
J.D.: How very generous.
[he reaches into Jordan's purse and takes out her credit card]
Julie Quinn: That's so funny!
J.D.: [forcing a smile] Yeah...

Elliot: Why is Julie behind that bush crying?
J.D.: Who knows? Could be anything! You know what's interesting Turk, she's not saying that's so sad. She's actually crying
Turk: You're an Idiot
J.D.: Yes I am

Julie Quinn: That's so funny! That's so funny! Look how big that pancake is that's so funny
J.D.: [whispering at Turk] Make-her-stop

J.D.: You used to be afraid of commitment, too. Then somehow you got over it and now you're married.
Turk: That's because I was never as bad as you.
J.D.: Oh, really? Remember Whitney "The Snapper"?
Turk: Ahhhhhhhhh!
[flashback to Turk in college dorm room with attractive girl]
Turk: Thanks for paying for dinner.
Whitney: And for dessert, you're gonna get a little Whitney
[snaps]
Whitney: a-
[snaps]
Whitney: la-
[snaps]
Whitney: mode!
Turk: [makes horrified face] Get out.

Turk: J.D., this is an intervention. First off, I just want to say everyone here loves you, this is a safe space. But you're such a committ-a-phobe! Every time you date a girl with potential you wind up ruining it over some trivial reason. Let's think about some of the great girls you let slip through your fingers: Kylie, Jaime, Gift Shop Girl, Minnie McSkinny, Mole Butt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumplefugly... I'm forgetting someone...
Carla: [narrating] Oh, my God, Turk... if you forget Elliot she's gonna cry.
[out loud, while nodding towards Elliot who's starting to moan]
Carla: Turk, aren't you forgetting the greatest girl of them all?...
Turk: [snapping his fingers] Heidi Horse-Face!
Elliot: [almost crying] Me, Turk... she's talking about me, OK?
J.D.: Relax, Elliot... you're Mole Butt.
Elliot: [moved] Really? Sorry, Turk...
Carla: J.D., there's somebody else here who wants to say something...
Billy Dee Williams: Don't mess this up, man... be smooth.
Turk: Lando's right.
Billy Dee Williams: Billy Dee!
Turk: [mouthing] Lando...
Dr. Cox: Joanna, now I'm not much for this sensitive crap... but, darn it all, you've found someone who's willing to let you annoy them instead of me.
Elliot: Don't screw this up, J.D., or you'll just gonna end up where you always do: lying on that couch in a fetal position wishing you hadn't driven another one away.
Dr. Cox: If Jordan were conscious, she'd... she'd agree
[Jordan sits unconscious on the couch; she has a fake arrow through her head]
Dr. Cox: Oh, now, who put that fake arrow through her head? Eh? Which one of you?... It was me... I did it...


"Scrubs: My Overkill (#2.1)" (2002)
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] Steady now. Be brave. Don't cry.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] Hospitals aren't as big as you think. Eventually you run into everyone.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Hey Elliott.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [Comes up from underneath table] I'm not hiding, I-um-I was-I was just looking for my -uhm-you know, the... I was just looking for my dignity.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Did you find it?
Dr. Elliot Reid: No. I must have left it at college.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [turns around before the janitor can spray him in the crotch again] Ha ha. Too slow, what now Mr. Tough Guy?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [the janitor sprays him in the butt] That is so not funny.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Ha ha ha. Wet butt!
The Janitor: It gets better.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Is it starting to burn?
The Janitor: I would think so. Hey, uh, don't touch your eyes.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: How could you let a woman kick you out of your own bed?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, why you have to be so cranky in the morning?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head-to-foot.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Okay, fine: I'm sorry I slept with your ex-wife!
Nurse Laverne Roberts: I think I'll sit back down.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: It was an accident.
Dr. Perry Cox: Look... First of all, it's not like you tripped and fell into her... and then out of her... and then into her... again. And, second of all, you're smart enough to know that I don't want to talk about this; I don't want to know where you did it; I don't even want to know... how it was.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: A little scary - - Sorry! Jitters!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] And here come the fireworks...
Dr. Perry Cox: I know you didn't have any idea who she was, and I understand why you were too nervous to tell me. So, whatta ya say we leave it at that? I forgive you; you are forgiven. Okay?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] Cool.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Damn.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: First off, I want to thank you all for agreeing to talk.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Bambi, you paged us here.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Be that as it may, I think there are some simple solutions. Dr. Cox, you're angry with me.
Dr. Perry Cox: No, I'm not.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: And you won't admit this, but you're in love with Carla.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, he's not.
Dr. Perry Cox: Actually, I am.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're starting again!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Carla, you're mad Turk didn't trust you enough to tell you.
Dr. Christopher Turk: See, trust, woman, trust!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Whatever, the point is that Turk is sorry.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Not anymore.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I can't believe you thought he was a threat!
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm a threat.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're not in love with me, you idolioze me.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: If we could just try to stay focused...
Dr. Christopher Turk: You're mad because I'm scared of losing you?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Yes, because we're stronger than that!
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] Apparently not!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You should be glad I never took our relationship for granted, you silly woman!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: If we could just refrain from name-calling...
Dr. Perry Cox: Oprah's right!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Lay off of him!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're just pissed because you're still in love with your ex!
Dr. Perry Cox: [slams his fist down on the table] Okay, that's it! Now, I have killed for so much less than that, and I'll damn sure do it again unless you all shut the hell up right now, and I MEAN NOW!
[they all disperse]

Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm not hiding. I was just looking for my, um, you know the... I was looking for my dignity.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Did you find it?
Dr. Elliot Reid: No, I must have left it at college.


"Scrubs: My Cake (#4.6)" (2004)
Carla: Welcome to Turk's head. You look hot!
Dr. Clock: Wait a minute... you're not a lesbian.
Carla: I am in here.
Dr. Clock: Yeah... me too!
[they lean in to kiss]
J.D.: [waking up] Dammit! Molly, you're a shrink: why is it my daydreams always end right before the sexy part?
Dr. Clock: I don't know, maybe we should work on that... together.
[leans in to kiss him]
J.D.: [waking up] Dammit!
Turk: Dude! Relax!... and enjoy hot chocolate loooove.
[leans in to kiss him]
J.D.: Snap out of it! Abort! ABORT!
J.D.: [waking up] STOP IT! I DON'T HAVE GAY JUNGLE FEVER!
Turk: Okay, we should go!
Carla: Yeah!

J.D.: What happened?
Dan Dorian: What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel eight hundred miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "Hey, how're things?"
J.D.: Dan...
Dan Dorian: Dad died.

J.D.: It was all right; we spent most of the time dealing with the headstone problem. See, since Dad was an office supplies salesman, he wanted it to be shaped like a pencil.
Turk: So?
Dan Dorian: So, it looked like a giant marble penis - which I maintain, Dad would have liked even more.

J.D.: You know, it wasn't exactly easy showering with you in there.
Dan Dorian: Well, it wasn't exactly easy for me, either. You have Dad's butt.
J.D.: You think you'll get out of the tub today?
Dan Dorian: Yeah, today doesn't look good - by the way, could you get me another beer?
J.D.: No, look, I put a six-pack for you in the toilet.

Dr. Perry Cox: Hey, Newbie? Just in case you didn't actually notice, I have been covering all your patients, answering all your pages, and doing pretty much everything shy of picking up your sundress from the drycleaners.
J.D.: Well, I didn't ask you to do any of that, did I?
[he storms off]
Dr. Perry Cox: Outstanding! You're walking away like a pissy little ingrate. I mean, bravo!
[starts applauding]
Dr. Perry Cox: Bravo, ah!
[He whistles as Ted walks up and joins him in applauding. Cox stops clapping]
Ted: What are we clapping for?
Dr. Perry Cox: His dad just died.
[Ted's applause trails off]
Dr. Perry Cox: Dammit

Dr. Perry Cox: Truth be told, there, Newbie: I'm proud of you.
Dan Dorian: Me too.
J.D.: [narrating] It's amazing how a few simple words can change everything.


"Scrubs: My Musical (#6.6)" (2007)
Patient #1: My stomach hurts.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] Check the poo.
Patient #2: Sprained my ankle.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [singing] Check the poo.
Patient #3: I was shot.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] Check the poo.
Delivery Man: A homeless guy spit poo in my eye!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [singing] Check the poo.
Delivery Man: Mine or his?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] First him, then you.

Patti: [singing] What's going to happen? / What does the future hold? / So many things that I've put off / Assuming I'd have time / Assuming I'd grow old. / What's going to happen? / And will I be alive tomorrow? / What's going to happen... / To me?
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] You're going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, The Janitor, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Doug Murphy, Ted Buckland: That's what's going to happen. / Everything's okay. / We're right here beside you / We won't let you slip away. / Plan for tomorrow / 'Cause we swear to you, / You're going to be okay.
Patti: I'm going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's what's going to happen.
Patti: Everything's okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso: Everything's okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Bob Kelso: We would never leave you.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: Right here we will stay. / Plan for tomorrow, / 'Cause we swear to you / You're going to be okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [last sung line of the episode] We hope.
Dr. Perry Cox: Shhhhhh.

J.D.: Everything comes down to pooh.

Dr. Cox: It's your hair, your nose, your chinless face. You always need a hug. Not to mention all the manly Appletinies that you chug. That you think I am your mentor, just continues to perplex. And oh my God stop telling me when you have nerdy sex!
J.D.: And by the way, the last time Kim was in town we took some Appeltinies and poored 'em on our good parts!
Dr. Cox: See now newbie that's the thing you do that drives me up a tree. 'Cause no matter how I rant at you, you never let me be. So I'm stuck with all your day dreaming, your wish to be my son. It makes me sucidial! And I'm not the only one. No I'm not the only one.
[lights go out, a spotlight falls on the Janitor]

Patti: [singing] Dr. Cox, I'm not crazy!
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] Am I still singing?
Patti: [singing] Singing like a bird.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] Dr. Cox, huge news! I pulled some strings and got the parking spot right behind yours! Bumper Buddies!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: In musicals, there's always a happy ending. But in life, sometimes when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind. Whether it's your roommate, or time spent with your child, or even the music you used to hear in your head.


"Scrubs: His Story II (#3.18)" (2004)
Bratty Kid: Why are your pants tight? Clowns are supposed to wear pants that are baggy.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Because, Brad, I'm the kind of clown that likes to wear tight pants.
Bratty Kid: The other clown wears baggy pants
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: What other clown?
The Janitor: [Children point to where Janitor is standing] Hello, old friend.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Janitor.

Lonnie: Mr Miller passed away and I thought that since I'm kind of new of this, you could notify his family.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: What, you steal my research project and now you want me to do your dirty work?
Lonnie: Dr Cox said if you said that to say that's right, Melinda.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I think what angry disturbed clown is trying to teach us is it's never okay to push other people over.
The Janitor: [Pushes J.D over as all the children laugh]

Dr. Elliot Reid: Position one, two or three?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: We only had two positions.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh. Well, I've got something to show you later.

Elliot: Guys! Three long years of busting my hump at this place and it has finally paid off!
J.D.: You got the fellowship?
Elliot: No! I get to be the clown in Pediatrics!
Carla: Heeeey! That old clown was really good. So, uh, you got some really big shoes to fill!
[she laughs, but everyone else just looks at her blankly]
Carla: Dammit, I'm funny!

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Hey, Laverne. What'd you give me if I get this jelly bean into your cleavage?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: A concussion.


"Scrubs: My Dirty Secret (#3.9)" (2003)
Mr. Randolph: Do you know what channel that Queer Guy show is on?
[inferring that J.D. is gay. J.D. just stares at him]
Dr. Cox: Go ahead, you can tell him.
J.D.: Bravo, Tuesdays at 10, 9 central, 8 Mountain.
[Mr. Randolph nods as if to say 'thought so']

J.D.: You don't want to end up like the Randolphs back there, just not saying a word to each other, do you?... You wish WE were more like the Randolphs, don't you?
Dr. Cox: [looking up & smiling blissfully] God save me, I do. I reeeeally do!

Dr. Elliot Reid: I honestly don't mind that you're making fun of me but what does bother me is that no one is ever allowed to make fun of you.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: People can make fun of me.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [scoffs] Come on, what about that delivery guy yesterday? I mean, you practically tore him a new binglebore.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: But he's not my friend. My friends can make fun of me whenever they want.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really? Well in that case you're a know-it-all smartypants and if you're not telling someone what to do, you're probably not talking.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Okay, I guess I can be a little bossy.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: A little? Girl, please. If you met Jesus hisself, you'd be trying to tell him where to park his donkey.
J.D.: Oh, are we allowed to do this now? What about that whole like, hands on the hips Carla from the block thing she does when she's mad when she's like
[imitating]
J.D.: "oh Bambi, you do not want to mess with me right now."
Dr. Doug Murphy: [laughs] You do sound like that.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [with her hand on her hip] Careful, Doug, we are not that close yet.
Dr. Elliot Reid, J.D.: [laughing and mocking] Careful, Doug. Doug, wussup. Doug, you better be careful. Mm-hmm. 'Cause I'm Carla.

J.D.: You know, Dr. Cox, we've known each other for over two years. Let me in, okay? Help me help you, help me help you, help me help you...
Dr. Cox: [interrupting] Stop it!
J.D.: Help me help you.
Dr. Cox: Fine, Newbie. Let me, let me tell you a little story. It starts every day at 5 in the morning which is just about the time that you're setting your hair for work when I am awakened by a sound. Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? No, that's my son. He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big that I'm actually considering hiring a stable boy but I go ahead and dig in because I do love the lad and gosh, you know me. I'm a giver and
[whistles]
Dr. Cox: I'm off to the hospital where my cup runneth over with both quality colleagues such as yourself and a proverbial clown car full of sick people. But, what the hey, my pay is about the same as guys who break rocks with other rocks and I only have to work three or four hundred hours a week so, so far I'm a pretty happy camper. And then I head back home where I am greeted by the faint musk of baby vomit in a house that used to smell like, well... nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I-I-In fact, it used to smell like nothing at all and all I want to do before I restart this whole glorious cycle is, you know... maybe lay on the couch and have a beer, watch some Sports Center and, if I'm not too sweaty for the day's labors stick my hand right down my pants buuut apparently that's not in Jordan's definition of pulling your weight. So, uh... there you are, superstar. Fix that.

[Dr. Cox explains his problems to J.D]
Dr. Cox: There you are, superstar. Fix that.
J.D.: Well, that's easy! Just tell her about it. Tell her everything you feel.
Dr. Cox: Should I give her every reason to accept that I'm for real?
J.D.: First of all, no-one understands relationships like Billy Joel, okay? "Uptown Girl" got me through high school - long story for another day.


"Scrubs: My Screwup (#3.14)" (2004)
Mr, Taylor: So, should I be worried about the old ticker?
J.D.: Naw, Mr. Taylor, let me worry about that for you.
J.D.: [thinking] OH MY GOD, HE'S GONNA DIE!

Jordan Sullivan: The only reason you're invited is that for some reason you own a Spongebob Squarepants costume.
J.D.: It was a gift!
[in his head]
J.D.: From me to me!

Dr. Perry Cox: So how come you're not all dressed up?
Ben Sullivan: I am dressed up, you see any holes in these pants? I'm glad you made it... listen, there's one more thing you have to do for me.
Dr. Perry Cox: You can't keep me from getting drunk!
Ben Sullivan: You have to forgive yourself for everything that went down the other day.
Dr. Perry Cox: God, you're... you're so annoying.
Ben Sullivan: Yeah.
Dr. Perry Cox: All right.
Ben Sullivan: Good.
Dr. Perry Cox: Where's your camera, aren't you gonna take some pictures?
J.D.: [enters] Pictures of what?
Dr. Perry Cox: You know, crying babies covered in chocolate, people singing Happy Birthday to my son who have never even met him before, the whole routine!
J.D.: Where do you think we are?
[Cox looks round. Ben has disappeared. The camera pans out and reveals they are in a graveyard, at Ben's funeral]

Dr. Cox: [to Ben] Where's your camera? Aren't you gonna to take any pictures?
J.D.: Pictures of what?
Dr. Cox: [Turns to J.D] Ya know, babies crying with cake all over their faces, people singing "Happy Birthday" to my son who they've never even met. The usual.
J.D.: Where do you think we are?
[Dr. Cox turns back and sees Ben isn't there]
J.D.: [Camera pans as they walk to reveal they are at a funeral. On the casket is a picture of Ben]

J.D.: Shower shorts; for the man that has nothing to hide, but still wants to.


"Scrubs: My Brother, My Keeper (#2.14)" (2003)
Dr. Bob Kelso: No offense sport. Don't think I have anything against ugly people.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Why would I take offense to that?
Dr. Bob Kelso: ...No reason.

J.D.: I still can't believe I power-walked 'butt-naked' through the halls of the hospital last night.
Turk: My man, I know that wasn't you.
J.D.: How?
Turk: I'm not really proud of this, but I can pick your puff-'n'-stuff out of a line-up.
J.D.: Oh, it changed since you saw it - it got a haircut.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Y'know, sir, Dr. Townshend was telling me you had some great old stories about the hospital. I'd love to hear one sometime.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Well, what the hell. Back in '68- I don't like you. The end.
[Dr. Kelso leaves]
Dr. Townshend: He tells that one a lot.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I know.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Sir, can I call you Townsy?
Dr. Townshend: No.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [voiceover] I was having a great time working with Townsy.

J.D.: Can I call you Townsy?
Dr. Townshend: No.
J.D.: [thought] Me and Townsy were having a great time.


"Scrubs: My Monster (#2.10)" (2002)
J.D.: Morning, Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: He he, Denise, I know it's morning, if it was still last night I'd still be with my extremely pregnant ex wife trying to calm her down with a chair and a whip because I somehow managed to forget to bring home *the curly fries*. Do ya see where I'm going here? Yes? no? Maybe so?
[whistles]

J.D.: You know Perry...
Dr. Cox: Perry?
J.D.: Yeah, I'm tryin' it out. I find that with the ladies, if you're clear with you're intentions right off the bat, they just fall into place. AQ?
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: AQ is sort of a new hit expression meaning "any questions"?
Dr. Cox: Look, don't think I'm impressed because you managed to score a sympathy date with whatever homely-looking girl is managing the gift shop right now.
Lisa: [comes from behind and Dr. Cox is left speechless on seeing her] JD, you ready to go?
J.D.: Oh, yeah, the word you're looking for is 'wow' and the words I'm looking for are in your face.
[while leaving]
J.D.: PO, peace out.

J.D.: [narrating to himself] You never expect a cliche to be an actual conversation starter.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Women... huh?
Dr. Cox: Tell me about it...
J.D.: It's like they're from another planet!
Dr. Cox: OK... I'm going to engage you two in a conversation you will speak of it to no one. Agreed?
J.D.: OK.
Dr. Cox: It has gotten to the point where I'm starting to go back in my head over all my old relationships. I mean, don't get me wrong; I'm not like I'm going to sit here and count up all the women I've ever slept with...
Dr. Christopher Turk: 12
J.D.: 9
Dr. Cox: ...18. But not one of them ever really understood me.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I'm feeling you, man. I consider myself a really romantic guy who's a little stressed out; and I thought the one person who'd understand that would be Carla.
Dr. Cox: The weird thing is that I'm actually trying this time.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I just wonder if I'm what she really wants...
Dr. Cox: I just wonder if I'll ever be able to make it work out with anyone...
J.D.: My peep's on the fritz...
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude!
[laughs]
Dr. Cox: [loughs too] Poor Newbie...
Dr. Christopher Turk: [continuing to laugh] Oh, oh, oh...
J.D.: [Embarassed] No, no, no, no, no, no! No! I'm talking about you, guys! Y... You guys... you guys are, like, my peeps, my dogs... and... you're on the fritz, so... that's where I get "peeps"... "fritz" came from...
Dr. Cox: God love you, Newbie...
Dr. Christopher Turk: [whistles]
Dr. Cox: Thank you for... giving me some prospective.

Elliot: My life is a mess!
J.D.: At least you're pretty.
Elliot: Yeah, well, pretty don't pay the rent!
Carla: It does for my sister.
Elliot: Oh, my God, your sister's a prostitute?
Carla: She's a model. Come on, Elliot, we talked about thinking before we speak.

Elliot: [Elliot is giving J.D. a physical] Any shortness of breath, nausea or burning sensation while peeing?
J.D.: No, no, and... does it count when it whistles?
Elliot: Funny. Are you currently sexually active?
J.D.: Oh, it's active all right.
Elliot: I'll write rare dry spell in the margin.


"Scrubs: My First Kill (#4.4)" (2004)
Turk: Hey. Baby. I'm gonna head home and watch some television with Rowdy.
Carla: Rowdy? NO! Um, you shouldn't go home.
J.D.: Why?
Carla: I need you to go somewhere for me. I want you to go to a... STRIP CLUB!
Turk: Okay!
J.D.: Hey, Turk, can I talk to you for a second?
Turk: Can't talk now! Good stuff's happenin'!

Dr. Perry Cox: Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. At some point during your residency you will screw up, they will die, and it will be burned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants, here -
Doug Murphy: Pee-pants...
Dr. Perry Cox: - he just might go ahead and get himself a good clean kill this morning, seeing as his patient, Mrs. Samson, is in DKA and he hasn't been tracking her phosphate level. Her phosphate level. Her phosphate level.
J.D.: Doug! Stop writing and go!
Dr. Perry Cox: That young man has killed so many patients, I'm starting to think he just might be a government operative. The point is, the harder you study, the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kill. Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy you murder is a jackass with no family. Great to see you kids. All the best!

Turk: Wow, isn't that a shocker, you don't care about something that's important to me. You know what? Why don't you just throw him out?
J.D.: Don't listen to him! He's drunk on cheese!

J.D.: Heaven's a diner?
Mrs. Tanner: Get anything you want, dear.
J.D.: Oh... maybe I'll have flapjacks.
Elaine: They don't have those.
J.D.: No flapjacks in heaven? Are flapjacks evil? Ehr... don't worry about it. Listen, dead people... do any of you fell that I may have, you know... killed you?
Mr. Bursky: No.
Mr. Simon: I mean, you weren't a great doctor...
Elaine: He was nervous.
Mrs. Tanner: Oh, like a little bird. But no, dear, you didn't kill any of us.
J.D.: [after a waitress handed him the bill] Y-You know what? I left my wallet back on Earth...

Dr. Molly Clock: Don't push me. 'Cause one of the reasons I became a therapist is I've always been able to zero in on a person's greatest insecurity.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Ohhh, I'm real scared, Molly, what'cha gonna...
Dr. Molly Clock: Eyebrows.
[walks away]
J.D.: Eyebrows. Like that's gonna make you -
[Tears stream mascara tracks down Elliot's face]
J.D.: Elliot, come on, you can't be *that* insecure.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Giant Adam's apple!
J.D.: [Trying not to be emotional] I have to go.
J.D.: [Thinking] Elliot's comment didn't bother me, because I'm proud of the body God gave me.


"Scrubs: My Rite of Passage (#5.2)" (2006)
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [Dr. Cox has put J.D. in time-out] I'm an attending!
Dr. Perry Cox: Tell it to the wall, newbie.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Hey, how come Elliot never invites us over to her hospital?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: She probably doesn't want you guys embarrassing her.
Dr. Christopher Turk: How would we embarrass her?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, maybe by diagnosing all your female patient with Turk-Fever.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Honey, a lot of women suffer from that.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: It's true, I even had it.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Okay gang I'll meet you up in the radiology to talk about Mr. Keets' CAT-Scan. His tumor is getting you big it's starting to look like a three-mor.
[the interns fake laugh]
Janitor: Not funny!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Have you been following me around all day dressed like an intern?
Janitor: Yes. And you're a terrible teacher. I'm not prepared to operate on anyone.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: How funny is this joke: That patients tumor is so big it's starting to look like a three-mor.
Keith: [walking by, fake laughing] Three-mor... you are hilarious Dr D.!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Awful! Awful! Awful!

J.D.: Just because you dye your moustache blonde doesn't mean it's gone


"Scrubs: My Road to Nowhere (#6.8)" (2007)
The Janitor: [to JD] Fair well stranger. I shall toast you with my heartiest wine.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to Elliot, Carla, Keith, and Ted, about The Janitor] Maybe he should lie down.

Nurse Carla Espinosa: [aboard Dr. Kelso's mobile home] There is a stripper pole in the back!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Carla has got some serious moves. She can even do an inverted spread-leg pole spin. You know, if that's what there called. It's not like a took a pole-dancing class or anything.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [inner monologue] Nice cover.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I knew that little tanned baby would eventually ruin everything.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: All right, Mr Mariani... Mazel tov, you are the proud owner of yet another kidney stone! Did you try to lay off the read meat, buddy?
Mr. Mariani: I'm trying, Doc, but it's hard.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [holding and looking at the ultrasound machine] Oh, man... Kim's having her first ultrasound tomorrow.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Wow... there's nothing like that first ultrasound. Bring tissue.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Are you kidding me? I can't just up and leave. I gotta find an apartment; I live in a teepee...
Dr. Perry Cox: [harmonizing] Do-ho-ho-ri-an!
[normally speaking]
Dr. Perry Cox: You have been wrong about so many things that I'm not even going to say something's "wrong" any more... instead, I'm gonna say "It's Dorian". And the fact that you'd be willing to skip seeing that child's heartbeat for the first time is just plain Dorian! I mean, hell! Jordan's having her second ultrasound and I couldn't be more giddy; I can't wait to find out the sex of that unborn tax break.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Jordan doesn't let you know the sex until the baby's born.
Dr. Perry Cox: Dorian again. I don't know if it's the hormones or if the baby is actually eating the bitch cells; but Jordan has softened. In fact, last night... she... she asked me to cuddle...

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: All right, Mr Mariani... Mazel tov, you are the proud owner of yet another kidney stone! Did you try to lay off the read meat, buddy?
Mr. Mariani: I'm trying, Doc, but it's hard.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [holding and looking at the ultrasound machine] Oh, man... Kim's having her first ultrasound tomorrow.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Wow... there's nothing like that first ultrasound. Bring tissue.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Are you kidding me? I can't just up and leave. I gotta find an apartment; I live in a teepee...
Dr. Elliot Reid: [harmonizing] Do-ho-ho-ri-an!
[normally speaking]
Dr. Elliot Reid: You have been wrong about so many things that I'm not even going to say something's "wrong" any more... instead, I'm gonna say "It's Dorian". And the fact that you'd be willing to skip seeing that child's heartbeat for the first time is just plain Dorian! I mean, hell! Jordan's having her second ultrasound and I couldn't be more giddy; I can't wait to find out the sex of that unborn tax break.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Jordan doesn't let you know the sex until the baby's born.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dorian again. I don't know if it's the hormones or if the baby is actually eating the bitch cells; but Jordan has softened. In fact, last night... she... she asked me to cuddle...


"Scrubs: My Lucky Charm (#4.14)" (2005)
Billy Callahan: Lads, you'll sleep enough when you're dead and buried. You have to get out on the streets. You have to talk to a stranger. Drink a beer for breakfast. Take the ugliest girl home from the party.
J.D.: Done it! Done that... that one I've done.

[a patient has just scared J.D]
J.D.: Ohh, you think scaring people's funny, huh? Well, good! Because you're dying!
Turk: John Dorian, you are a doctor!
J.D.: Well, he started it!

J.D.: [thinking] As Turk and I recuperated from our big chair swap, I wondered what other couples were doing tonight. Did I just refer to Turk and I as a couple? My point is, I'm sure other couples were out having fun

J.D.: Hey that is a cool tattoo, my brother!
Billy Callahan: Oh yeah! Got this snuck on a plane, thought I was going to Belgium ended up in Kenya. Long story short, I hung out with this tribe, where the males go through adolescance, they get this tattoo. It means "Alias".
J.D.: Oh, why Alias?
Billy Callahan: It's their favorite show.
J.D., Turk: Ohhhhh.
Billy Callahan: I'm only kidding, I don't know what it means.

Turk: Come on, Billy, just say it.
Billy Callahan: For the last time, lads... no.
J.D.: Oh well, perhaps you're not really Irish...
Billy Callahan: Fine! Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers.
J.D.: See? I told ya! Yeah, he's Irish.
Turk: Yeah, he is. Yeah, he is.


"Scrubs: My Cold Shower (#6.19)" (2007)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm not upset about Elliot.
Dr. Christopher Turk: You both have had a history together.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You two have had more ups and downs than Ross and Rachel on Friends.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm nothing like Ross.
Dr. Perry Cox: Of course not. You're Rachel, she's Ross.

[at Elliot's proposal party]
J.D.: As I looked at all the relationships around me - some that had gone on forever...
[shot of Perry and Jordan]
J.D.: ...some that were reigniting...
[shot of Carla and Turk]
J.D.: ...and some that had just begun...
[shot of Elliot and Keith]
J.D.: I realized something.
[cut to J.D. in the shower]
J.D.: It should have been me.

Melody O'Harra: Well... it's official: I am the only single sorority sister left. I guess it's true what they say: first one to be in a threesome, last one to get married.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Damn!
[beats one hand over the table where Doug is sitting at, pouring Doug's coffee over him]
Dr. Christopher Turk: I'm sorry, she just said she was in a threesome.
Dr. Doug Murphy: [having the same reaction as Turk's, and so forth] Damn!
male nurse: Damn!
surgeon: Damn!
Snoop Dogg Resident: [out of frame] Damn!
Melody O'Harra: I just don't want to end up like my aunt Sheila and get married and have a kid when I'm 50; I mean, you find a tooth in that house, you don't know whose mouth it fell out of.
J.D.: Oh...
Melody O'Harra: Sometimes I wonder, you know, if I'm ever actually going to find someone, you know?
J.D.: Yeah... Now, was it two girls and a guy, or a devil's threesome?
Melody O'Harra: All-girl.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [as J.D. lifts coffee cups from the table, he beats both his hands on it] Damn! Sorry...

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Thinking] Turk was right. I can make this happen. Because whether Melody wanted to admit it or not, there was a definite connection between us.
Melody O'Harra: [to an intern who looks like J.D] So, thanks for hanging with me last night.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's not me, Melody.
Melody O'Harra: Oh, my bad! You two could be twins!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [He looks over the other guy] We look nothing alike! What are you, Egyptian? I don't wanna hear it.

Dr. Christopher Turk: [to JD's lookalike] Hey J.D., I was wondering if I could borrow your scooter, so I could run a few erran...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [the real J.D. walks up behind Turk] He looks nothing like me! He doesn't even have any laughter in his eyes, like at all!


"Scrubs: My Hard Labor (#7.2)" (2007)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: My last few days have all started the same. Saying this to Kim: "You're amazing." And then whispering "I love you" to our baby and hoping Kim wasn't wondering why I hadn't said the same thing to her.

Dr. Kim Briggs: [in labor] Aaaaargh! I hate you so much right now, J.D.!
Dr. Donna: Don't worry, all women say that stuff during labor. She doesn't mean it.
Dr. Kim Briggs: I do! He just broke up with me!
Dr. Donna: What?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, no! Technically I didn't break up with her; I just told her I didn't love her.
Nurse Shirley: Who did he say that to?
Dr. Donna: The mother of his baby!
Nurse Shirley: No, he didn't...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to himself] Man, she looks familiar...
Dr. Kim Briggs: Get out!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, I'm not letting you go through this alone.
Dr. Kim Briggs: I have someone else I can call!
[Elliot's sleeping; her phone rings; she wakes up and answers]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Keith, I get it, I ruined your life. Stop calling.
[on the phone Kim cries in agony]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh hey, Kim!

Dr. Kim Briggs: You're a piece of crap!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You're doing great. That hurt.
Dr. Kim Briggs: I hate your hair!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Impossible. Nobody does.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] There are some images that even doctors can't stomach...
Keith: Oh... that is so gross I migh vomit...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, is it the patient with the infected neck wound?
Keith: Ugh... worse...
[Elliot arrives]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Hey guys!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] ... like the image of your ex-fiancèe.
Dr. Elliot Reid: How's it going, Keith?
Keith: You ruined my life.
[walks away]
Dr. Elliot Reid: Nice seeing you.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] OK, not answering Kim's "I love you" was awkward, but at least it was over.
Dr. Kim Briggs: So, do you think you could ever be in love with me?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to himself] Let it go, woman!
[out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Kim, let's focus on having the baby.
Dr. Kim Briggs: Answer the question.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to himself] Lie to her.
Dr. Kim Briggs: And don't lie to me
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Look, I think you're amazing, right? I've mentioned that. And... and even though I'm not, you know, in love with you right now, I really hope that one day I wake up feeling what you said you feel... even though I kinda asked you not to say it.
Dr. Kim Briggs: Do you really hope that?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: With all my heart.
Dr. Kim Briggs: [sarcastically] Because I always dreamed of finding a guy who hoped he could fall in love with me someday.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Really? That's kind of weird.
Dr. Kim Briggs: No! J.D., do you actually think that's enough for me? There are a lot of guys out there who think I'm a good catch; the words "cute as a button" have been thrown around on more than one occasion!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I know that, Kim... you're amazing.
Dr. Kim Briggs: Stop calling me amazing, OK? Would you even be with me if I wasn't dropping this kid?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I don't know how to answer that...
Dr. Kim Briggs: I think you just did... You know what? We're done.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, what are you talking about? We're having a baby.
Dr. Kim Briggs: Yeah, we are, but I deserve to be with somebody who doesn't need to cross his fingers and hope that he falls in love with me, maybe someday. It's over, J.D.
[Kim's labor starts]
Dr. Kim Briggs: Aaaaaargh!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Aaaaargh!
Dr. Kim Briggs: Get in here with the epidural!


"Scrubs: My Fifteen Minutes (#1.8)" (2001)
J.D.: [as Robin] Holy inferiority complex, Batman! Why am I the sidekick in my own fantasy?
Turk: [as Batman] It could be worse. You could be the butler.
J.D.: [as Alfred] Damn you... Sir.

J.D.: [after finding Dr.Cox laying on a couch] Dr. Cox, have you been here the whole time?
Dr. Cox: [sarcastic] No, I came in through the couch door...

J.D.: [picking up an appletini an elderly gay man left on his porch] When did gay guys start drinking straight guy drinks?
[sniffs the drink]
J.D.: Ooh, it's fresh...

Dr. Cox: It's time. Sit down and listen up, Newbie. I suppose you want me to say you're great... That you've raised the bar for interns everywhere?
J.D.: I'm cool with that!
Dr. Cox: Well, I'm not going to say that. You're doing okay. Someday you might even be better than that. But right now, all I see is a guy who's so preoccupied with wondering what everyone else thinks about him, that he doesn't have anytime to think whether or not he believes in himself. Did you ever wonder why I told you to write your own evaluation?
J.D.: I don't have a safe answer for that. I just figured that... you...
Dr. Cox: Clam up, Newbie! I wanted you to think about yourself... and I mean *really* think!... What are you good at? What do you suck at? And write it down. Not so I could read it, or anyone else could read it. But so *you* could read it! You see in the end, Newbie, you don't have to answer to me, or to Kelso, or even to your patients, for God's sake! The only one you have to answer to, Newbie, is you! There, *you are* evaluated. Now get out of here, because you truly make me so damn mad I might just hurt myself!


"Scrubs: My Big Bird (#5.8)" (2006)
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, he keeps a hug schedule with his friends.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Oh, okay, Turk! Looks like someone's getting crossed off their two o'clock spot and getting pencilled in for never. How does that feel? Does it sting?

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: This whole experience got me thinking about the nature of gratitude. I guess in the end whether you're a doctor or a garbage man...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Dorian! What are you doing?

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: It's never easy when someone accuses you of screwing up, especially when you know it's true. When that happens you can't shrug it off, because in a hospital the best way to learn from your mistakes is to carry them with you.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Why ostriches?
Mr. Sutton: They're such majestic creatures, don't you think? And, you know, they're kinda like my children. Plus, I make belts out of their necks.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: OK... look, Mr Sutton, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here
[Turk gets thrown in through the window, screaming]
Mr. Sutton: There is a door!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Man...
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Are you OK? Did you try and escape?
Dr. Christopher Turk: I did escape... there was one waiting in the car.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Ah...
Mr. Sutton: That's Leon. Loves the car rides. Likes to stick his head out the window... I tell him it's a little too dangerous but he doesn't listen to me.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Mr Sutton, I cured you and you never thanked me.
Mr. Sutton: Why would I thank you for doing your job? I'm a garbage man: how many times a day do you think I get thanked?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Six.
Mr. Sutton: You're off by about six.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Twelve!
Mr. Sutton: I'm starting to see why Leon outfoxed you...
Dr. Christopher Turk: Stupid bird stole my hat!
[Sutton leaves the room]
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I just don't see why it's such a big deal for you to say "Hey, doc...". Why'd he just walk away like that?
Dr. Christopher Turk: [mumbling] I don't know.
[Leon enters the room; he sports Turk's hat; J.D. And Turk slowly turn around]
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Ruh-roh...
Dr. Christopher Turk: Don't move...
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I gotta admit he look pretty phat in your Kangol...


"Scrubs: My Friend the Doctor (#3.8)" (2003)
J.D.: [JD is amazed by the skills of a visiting doctor] Your unflappable!
Dr. Kevin Casey: It's true. I can't be flapped.

J.D.: [after having seen Janitor in The Fugitive] You're an actor.
The Janitor: You're a fireman... What are we doing?

J.D.: I hit my head so hard I actually saw cartoon birds, then I realized I was in pediatrics and it was just the wall paper.

[J.D. and Carla watches a movie with J.D.'s girlfriend Danni]
Danni Sullivan: Love "The Fugitive". Who would you rather sleep with, Tommy Lee Jones or Harrison Ford?
J.D.: Harrison Ford, hands down.
[the girls look at him]
J.D.: ...But you were probably talking to Carla. I'm having such a gay day!
Carla: *Day*?


"Scrubs: My Half-Acre (#5.9)" (2006)
J.D.: I know I haven't hit it in a while, but there's good reasons for that
Dr. Cox: Two good reasons: his face and his personality.
J.D.: Sticks and stones may break my bones...
[thinking]
J.D.: But words will hurt forever

J.D.: How did you know I'd move to fast with Julie?
Dr. Cox: How do you know that I can be that kind of dad?
Turk: How did you that Kelso just wanted respect?
Elliot: Because I know you!
Carla: Because I know you!
Janitor: Because I know him!
Todd: [watches it on the security camera] This is so cool!

J.D.: I think it's important to listen to the people who know you best. Because if you do, you might get to rock.

J.D.: Morning, Elliot! By the way, Julie's here. I'm not gonna kiss and tell.
Elliot: Oh really? 'Cause I just got your text that said, "Bone city".
J.D.: Oh really? That went through?


"Scrubs: My Fault (#3.20)" (2004)
Sean Kelly: It's just, it's so hard to make myself look for an apartment when I'm sharing my bed with the most beautiful girl in the world.
J.D.: Really? What's his name?
J.D.: [Thinking] That made absolutely no sense, so just keep sipping.

Danni Sullivan: Hey, J.D., don't come chasing after me like you did with Elliot. Because if there's one thing everyone knows about John Dorian, it's that he always wants what he can't have.
[Exits]
J.D.: [to Turk] That's not true, is it?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Hell no. By the way, this is the last bowl of cereal.
[J.D. suddenly becomes very interested in Turk's cereal]

J.D.: [Thinking] Maybe it's true that I'm someone who only wants what he can't have. But what if the thing I want is the girl I'm supposed to end up with?
[Out loud]
J.D.: It should be me.
Dr. Elliot Reid: What?
J.D.: Look, Elliot: Every year we bounce around this thing, and I never have the courage to stand up and tell you how I feel. I'm crazy about you. And I want you to know if I had the choice of hanging around with anyone in the entire world or staying at home with you, eating pizza and watching a crappy TV show, I'd choose you every time.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [Stunned] I... um... I have to go.
[Exits]

Dr. Elliot Reid: [Music playing] J.D., it's just so weird. I mean, my whole future was right there in front of me, and I just walked away. All because of you.
J.D.: Well, I think you made the right choice.
[They kiss]
J.D.: [Thinking] I think that the problem with most people who want what they can't have is that, when they actually get the thing they covet, they don't want it anymore. But not this guy.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [Snuggles into his shoulder] Well Dr. Dorian, you have me. You finally have me.
[Music stops suddenly]
J.D.: [Thinking] Oh, my God! I don't want her!


"Scrubs: My ABC's (#8.5)" (2009)
Dr. Elliot Reid: I wonder if they found a new head of medicine yet?
The Janitor: Actually, they found one this morning.
Oscar the Grouch: All right, you knuckleheads! Shape up! I'm watching you, John Dorian, and guess what? My eyes never close!
The Janitor: Mine neither.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [back to reality] I grew up on the street. Not the hood. Sesame Street.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I think I see what the problem is. You have a hand inside of you.
A.M. Muppet: That explains so many things.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Will you stop teasing my beard? Chicks dig the extra fuzz.
Grover: Tell me about it. And you've only got it in 2% of your body. Hey, what's up, everybody! Can I get a high four?
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Coming at ya!
Grover: Near...
[Todd high-fives Grover so hard he flies across the room and into a wall]
Grover: ... Far.
[Faints]
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Grover five.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And then I realized why I thought about Sesame Street all day. In a way, you can learn everything you have to know from watching it as a kid. Like, always play nice... always try your hardest... and even, it's okay to cry.


"Scrubs: My Lucky Day (#2.9)" (2002)
Dr. Cox: [JD recently identified a disease in a patient from watching a TV show and Dr. Cox wants to prove it was a fluke] Here's your chance. Two identical patients. I say we divide 'em up, just like in "The Parent Trap". One goes with the sexy, freewheeling bachelor dad, hello. The other goes with the whiny, neurotic, sexually repressed mom, oh, just you all over. Oh, and I checked tonight's TV listings. There is no special on that disease, so you're gonna wanna stop at the Blockbuster.
J.D.: Please, I know all there is to know about thrombotic thrombo cyto... cytop top top top... toppy... toppy.
Nurse Roberts: Thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura.

Dr. Kelso: Hey ace, your TTP patient coded, I pronounced it.
J.D.: He died?
Dr. Kelso: I certainly hope so, otherwise that autopsy's gonna be a bitch!

[J.D. is sitting next to David Copperfield in the bar]
J.D.: What's that I see in your ear...? Pa-ZOW!
[J.D. fumbles with a coin, as he magically produces it from Mr. Copperfield's ear]
David Copperfield: [unimpressed] Cool, a coin.
J.D.: Do you want it?
[Copperfield takes the coin... ]
David Copperfield: Here, you have it.
[... and motions to drop it into J.D.'s palm. With a bit of a flourish, the coin disappears. J.D. laughs with awe]
David Copperfield: [mocking] Haw-haw! Magic!

J.D.: And Laverne, I'm sorry I'm bein' such a pain about this guy, it's just that Dr. Cox and I have this little competition goin', and... I know that probably seems insensitive to you...
Nurse Roberts: Sweetheart, you don't have to explain yourself to me. But you better get your story straight when you come face to face with Jesus.


"Scrubs: My Brother, Where Art Thou? (#3.5)" (2003)
Dan: [as Dr. Cox leaves at the end of his shift, J.D.'s brother Dan is waiting for him outside the hospital entrance] Hey, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy.
Dan: You don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? I'm a screw-up. Always have been.
[laughs]
Dan: Ever since we were kids, my mom always made me walk Johnny to school first day every year, and every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school...
[laughs]
Dan: ...just 'cause.
Dr. Cox: Boy, that's a great story, really. And I'm sure you're just a horrible big brother...
Dan: [smiles in mock humility] Well...
Dr. Cox: ...but I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed. Turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his deathbed.
Dan: Hey, listen, Dr. Cox, no offense, I'm a big fan of the tough guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you LOVE the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we KNEW was going someplace. Sweet kid. Smart kid. Becoming a doctor? This is ALL he ever wanted, and yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turn him into some kind of cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny is never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So I'm askin' - I'm tellin' you: take that responsibility seriously, stop being such a hard-ass. Otherwise, you're gonna have to answer to me.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] Love can give you strength you never knew you had.
Dan: [holds out his hand to Cox] It's good seeing you, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: [takes Dan's hand and shakes it] Good to see you, Dan. All the best.
[walks away]

Dr. Cox: Newbie! Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [ashamed] Yes...
Dr. Cox: I've never felt closer to you.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Doctor Cox, Dan was wondering if he could trail with us today.
Dr. Cox: Good God in heaven, Newbie. There are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never. Not in a million years. Absolutely not. No way, Jose. No chance, Lance. Nyet. Negatori. Mm-mm. Nuh-uh. Uh-uh. And of course, my own personal favorite of all time, man falling off of a cliff. Noooooooooo!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Turk, you don't get it, man. Your family was there for you.
Dr. Christopher Turk: You know, I love how kids of divorced swear they have the market cornered on family dysfunction; but let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household. It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jubari - formerly "Bob" - gives my father attitude for using the word "black," *even though* he's referring to the turkey, which by the way only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bipolar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss, and we hug, and we apologize for all the things we said, 'cause a month later we're gonna get together and do it again at Christmas!


"Scrubs: My Lips Are Sealed (#4.21)" (2005)
J.D.: J.D.: I had to hide from Turk, so I went to the one place that I knew no one would ever venture.
[enters Ted's office]
J.D.: Ted? Ted?
Ted: A little help!
J.D.: Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.
J.D.: Ted, lunch was four hours ago.
Ted: Yep, I wasted most of my Tuesday.
J.D.: It's Wednesday.
Ted: Aw, man! I missed the Gilmore Girls!

J.D.: [narrating] Nothing had changed much on the way to work. God, the silence is killing me!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You kissed my wife.
J.D.: [narrating] I miss the silence.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Did you like it?
J.D.: Well, that's kind of a trick question, Turk. If I say yes, it's like saying 'Damn, dude, your wife is hot and I want to get me a piece of that', but if I say no, it's like saying 'Yo, I know she's your wife and everything, but you can keep that fish-lipped bitty... '

Carla: J.D you're drunk!
J.D.: Carla, I'm not as think as you drunk I am...

Carla: Night, night.
J.D.: Night, night...
Carla: Buenas noches
J.D.: Buenas... nose things...


"Scrubs: His Story IV (#6.7)" (2007)
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Kelso.
[gives him a pat on the back]
Dr. Kelso: [thinking] I actually don't mind that goofy bastard. If he were gay, he'd be perfect for my son. Harrison has been looking for a new power bottom. All my little worker bees, buzzing about... buzzzz... buzzz... I love making that sound... buzzz. Dr. Reid. Ever since she quit the hospital for private practice, you pretended she's invisible. So don't break stride.
[walks straight past Elliot, bumping her on the shoulder deliberately and making all her files scatter across the floor]
Dr. Kelso: KERBLAMO!
Elliot: HEY!
Dr. Kelso: Skiddle-ee-dee, skiddle-ee-doo.

Janitor: Typical Dorian. Runnin' away from an argument you know nothing about.
J.D.: I know all about the war.
Janitor: Really.
[pulls out a globe]
Janitor: Point to Iraq.
J.D.: Why do you keep a globe on your janitor cart?
Janitor: In case I get lost. I'll give you a hint, it's not the country shaped like a boot.
J.D.: [points to the globe] That's Iraq.
Janitor: That's China.
J.D.: You're China!
Janitor: That's an outrageous accusation.
[bites into his sandwich]
Janitor: Needs salt. Where's my bunny? Bingo?

J.D.: [thinking about Dr. Kelso] I always wondered what he did in his office all day.
[flash to fantasy of Kelso in his office with Ted]
Dr. Kelso: Human Magic 8-Ball, tell me if I should play golf this weekend?
[He shakes Ted's head like a Magic 8-ball]
Ted Buckland: I am a lawyer!
Dr. Kelso: I said, should I play golf?
[Kelso shakes Ted's head again]
Ted Buckland: Ask again later!... Why would I say that?
[Kelso shakes his head again]
Ted Buckland: [flash back to J.D]
J.D.: [thinking] My daydreams are crazy!
Ted Buckland: Oh, dizzy!
[he collapses against a rack of medical supplies, knocking it over]

Janitor: I'll debate Iraq with you.
J.D.: Prepare to be dazzled.
Janitor: OK. In my opinion, we should be looking for bin Laden in Pakistan.
J.D.: ...You have that globe nearby?


"Scrubs: My Fallen Idol (#5.21)" (2006)
J.D.: You had a tough day at the office. So you come home, make yourself some dinner, smother your kids, pop in a movie, maybe have a drink. It's fun, right? Wrong. Don't smother your kids.

J.D.: [to Dr. Cox] You're probably wondering why I didn't come earlier, although I know you'll never admit it. I told myself it's because I was angry that you were drunk at the hospital. But that wasn't it. The truth is... I was scared. I guess after all this time, I still think of you as, like, this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients, but because after twenty years of being a doctor, when things go badly you still take it this hard. And I've gotta tell you, man, I mean... that's the kind of doctor I want to be.

J.D.: Anyway, I tried to convince myself that the reason I didn't come earlier was you coming into work drunk. But that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, ya know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients. But because after 20 years of being a doctor, when things go badly, you still take it this hard. And I gotta tell ya man, I mean, that's the kind of doctor I want to be.
J.D.: [interior monologue] Maybe he just needed time to heal, or maybe he just needed to see how much everybody cared. But I like to believe it was because of me that he was finally able to say this.
[Takes a drink of scotch]
Dr. Cox: You don't drink scotch.
J.D.: [spits it back out] Ohhhhhh, that's awful.

J.D.: [Voiceover] That's the thing about family. If you fall off the deep end you can always count on them to rally around you. When you come back, you might get a quick hug, a pat on the shoulder, maybe just a nod. But no words really need to be spoken. Of course, it's always nice when they are.
Dr. Cox: [Calling him by his name for the first time in the series] J.D... Thank you.
J.D.: You're welcome.
[Dr. Cox pats JD on the back]


"Scrubs: My Mirror Image (#6.1)" (2006)
Carla: [J.D. tells Carla, Elliot, and Turk that Kim is pregnant] I'm sorry J.D. but you knew this could happen when you had sex.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I have to tell you guys something but you have to promise not to laugh. Ok?
[Carla, Elliot, and Turk agree]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ok, on the night of said conception, ah, Kim and I nude-ed up, and um, the dirty talk began and I got a little over excited.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oooh, She like a the dirty talk!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, I do. I find it gets the ladies going. But I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself, especially when I use some of my different voices.
Dr. Elliot Reid: He does.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anywho, there was some unexpected friendly-fire, and uh, even though I never got a chance to enter the, the village, ah, there was an air strike on one of the outlying regions.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Turk yells excitedly and Carla pulls his ear to stop him] Thank you.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anyway, I talked to the gals in O.B.G and they said it's not uncommon for a woman to get pregnant even if there was no actual penetration.
Dr. Christopher Turk: What your trying to tell us is that you never actually had sex with her?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [after a brief pause] I didn't have a condom.
[Muffled giggles from Turk, Carla, and Elliot]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And ah, we decided not to have sex because, here's the kicker, I didn't want to get her pregnant.
[Carla, Elliot, and Turk break out in hysterical laughing]

J.D.: My life is over.
Dr. Cox: Oh come on, you gotta focus on the positives. For instance, the medical miracle that is one woman actually impregnating another woman.
[claps his hands together]
Dr. Cox: Sha-daisy!
[J.D. walks away]
Turk: Coincidentally, I have a cousin named Shedaisy.
Dr. Cox: WHAT?

Dr. Kelso: Uh, Dr. Dorian, look, this is a bit awkward, but as Chief of Medicine I feel obligated to ask you about your relationship with Dr. Briggs... was she naughty? I bet she was a hellcat.
J.D.: Get help, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Never mind. It's better up here.

Dr. Kim Briggs: Oh, come on. No laugh from a guy who, when he orders a coffee, says "Thanks a latte!"
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Well, that's different, Kim, that's hilarious. This is life-changing.


"Scrubs: My Butterfly (#3.16)" (2004)
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I have to learn to play the banjo. And buy one.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I should get Turk a washboard.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [whistles] Here's the deal, Eleonore. We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. So while drop an NG2 and do a gastric lavage, why don't you go ahead and get an order order on EKG with cardio-bio-markers? If you need to know where those are, they are on page 37 of the Ann Teller catalogue, right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you wanted for so long but haven't had the courage to order, because you worried the weave is so thin, your nipples just might go ahead and peak their pink selves through! Isn't that right, Dr. Cox? Dr. Cooox!
Dr. Perry Cox: [mimicking the J.D. daydream stare] Uhm, I'm sorry. Here I was in my own little world, talking to myself, dreaming about candy bracelets.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I don't like candy bracelets.
[in his head]
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I love 'em!


"Scrubs: My Occurrence (#1.22)" (2002)
Dr. Bobb: Call me Doctor Bobb.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: You go by your first name?
Dr. Bobb: Nope. First name's Fred.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Fred Bobb?
Dr. Bobb: What can I do you for?

Dr. Christopher Turk: Chop Chop, Nancy
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Rapido!

Carla: Let me ask you something: you kind of a boob guy, right?
J.D.: Excuse me?
Carla: I can tell because I've seen you look at mine, and not in a sleezy way or anything.
J.D.: I think this is the most uncomfortable conversation I've ever had.
Carla: You wanna touch one?
J.D.: I stand corrected.


"Scrubs: My Interpretation (#2.20)" (2003)
J.D.: Look uh... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: I was outside in the bushes.
J.D.: [Janitor makes confused, sighing noise] Look, it was just a coincidence man. I mean, eh, if you had looked out the window you would've seen my penis.
Janitor: What? Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours.

Hermann Mueller: Hey, you must be Doctor Dorian. I'm Lars' brother, Hermann.
J.D.: Herman the German, ha, you must get that all the time.
Hermann Mueller: Nope, first time... hope it catches on.

J.D.: Look, uh... Janitor...
[the Janitor rolls his eyes]
J.D.: ...I'm gonna be straight with you: I saw your penis, and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes.
[the Janitor takes a second to process this answer]
Janitor: Uhhh...
J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man - I mean, i-i-if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis, you know!
Janitor: What? Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!


"Scrubs: My Nightingale (#2.2)" (2002)
Ted Buckland: Hey. This is my band. We all work in different departments in the hospital.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ted, I know, you told me last time that you...
Ted Buckland: [lead tenor] Legaaaaaal, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Randall: [bass] Ac-coun-tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Crispin: [baritone] Shipping and receiviiiiiiiiiing, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Roy: [high tenor] On-site property management including pest control, night-time security, non-arboreal gardening services, and tenant-related easements and liens.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Hey, you got promoted!
Ted Buckland, Randall, Crispin, Roy: [in four-part harmony] It's about time. He's/I've been busting his/my hump around here for six years. Hmmm-mmm.

Jordan Sullivan: Good job, D.J.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You know, It's J.D. OK? And at least I remember the names of all MY sexual partners!
Jordan Sullivan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morningwood are extremely impressed.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Camp Meadowood. I made a lanyard.

J.D.: This, this isn't like being a janitor, okay! It's not just like something everybody can do.
Janitor: Oh. So you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours?
J.D.: Yes!
Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor?
J.D.: I don't know... the... rough side of a sponge?
[silence]
Janitor: Dammit.


"Scrubs: My Fishbowl (#6.12)" (2007)
Dr. Perry Cox: [Carla tells bad joke] You would hear crickets chirping, but they were too uncomfortable at just how unfunny that actually was.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: So what, I'm not funny?
Dr. Perry Cox: Why I think you're very funny... WHEN you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse. You know, as long as you stay right in you wheel house.
[Dr. Cox begins walking through the room]
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck; your husband does it when he's sarcastic.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ya know, I do what I do when I do what I do.
Dr. Perry Cox: The Janitor is amusing because quite frankly he's insane
The Janitor: [walks by with tiny boots that look like they are for a baby on his hands] I made shoes for my bunny.
Dr. Perry Cox: [walks over the J.D] And Alice here, well she can turn a phrase. and I'm assuming because I called you Alice you're thinking of me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
[Dr. Cox appears as Alice from the Brady Bunch then looks at J.D]
Dr. Perry Cox: Aren't ya?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: He was.
Dr. Perry Cox: Now some people just have funny names, for instance, Dr. Beardface, Dr. McHead, Colonel Doctor, and of course Snoop Dogg intern.
Snoop Dogg Intern: [grabs his white coat] Hey, Hey.
Dr. Perry Cox: My bad, Snoop Dogg resident. The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God, which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the Hospital Sad sack.
Ted Buckland: I am?
Dr. Perry Cox: Yes Ted.
Ted Buckland: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Dr. Perry Cox: And me I'm just funny because I commit C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T...
[makes the notion of sipping tea]
Dr. Perry Cox: -TEA. And I also do silly rants. But there is just one man who is funny, no matter what he says.
Dr. Bob Kelso: [Kelso enters] Are my undergarments made of wool because my WEASLES getting heat stroke?
Dr. Perry Cox: The point is please don't tell anymore jokes.
Ted Buckland: I'm not a sadsack am I?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ted, your pen exploded!
Ted Buckland: [looks at his shirt with a large blue stain on it] Awwwwww
[looks at is blue hand on his head]
Ted Buckland: AWWWWWWWWW!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] After Elliot told us that she had attempted suicide, I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind.
[out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Was it because I broke up with you?
Dr. Elliot Reid: No, J.D.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, good, good, good, good.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm not even sure why I did it. I guess things just catch up with you, you know... you get lonely, you're not happy with what's happening in your life and...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: ...an amazing guy breaks up with you...
Dr. Elliot Reid: J.D., this is not about you! I was 16!
Private Brian Dancer: So, how'd you try it?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Brian!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Please, you're dying to know...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, I am not! When Elliot...
Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla... it's fine. I was all into poetry back then, you know... Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf... I know, shocker. Well, they both killed themselves. Plath stuck her head in the oven, but that was not an option for me because every time my head gets hot I need to pee, and I was not about to be found lying in a puddle of my own urine. Not again... not after the prom fiasco...
Dr. Perry Cox: If you're still not sure why you tried to off yourself, I'm starting to get a pretty clear picture over here...
Dr. Elliot Reid: So, I decided to do it like Virginia Woolf: I walked into a lake and tried to drown myself. Got up early on a Saturday, put on my bikini...
Private Brian Dancer: Whoa... why would you wear a bikini?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, my one-piece was in the back of Coach Pongetti's car. That story informs this one, but I'm not going to tell it... Anyhow, I swam out to the middle of the lake and I couldn't bring myself to go under, so I just started, you know, floating around, waiting to get tired and then... Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! I got hit in the head by four oars as our school's rowing team passed by and then they just picked me out of the lake and took me home.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [realizing Turk's gonna fart] Oh no... Turk, I know that look... don't you dare toot while Elliot is baring her soul.
Dr. Christopher Turk: But baby, the pressure's building. No one on Earth is this uncomfortable.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Maybe you not being able to have sex tonight is karmic payback for having sex with Stacy.
Dr. Christopher Turk: J.D., drop it.
Dr. Elliot Reid: What happened that night?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: This is how I remember it.
[J.D.'s flashback starts; as he speaks, events take place in a sort of footage]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I was coming back from class and outside our room I heard...
Stacy Blue: [flashback, in J.D.'s high-pitched voice] Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [flashback] So, I opened the door and I see you and Stacy. So I said "Get off my girl before I kick your ass so deep you're gonna be crapping out Keds for a week!". Then you said...
Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback, in J.D.'s mocking voice] Chill out, dawg! You know you're my boyeeeee! This ain't be what it looks like... a'ight?
[J.D.'s flashback ends]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: But it wasn't "a'ight", was it, Turk?
Dr. Christopher Turk: This is what really happened.
[Turk's flashback starts; as he speaks, events take place in a sort of footage]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Stacy and I were waiting for you to come back from class, and she said...
Stacy Blue: [flashback, in Turk's high-pitched voice] Hey, we should have a water-balloon fight!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] We got all wet from the water balloons and Stacy was like...
Stacy Blue: [flashback, in Turk's high-pitched voice] Uh, I'm cold... let's take off all our clothes and get under the covers and warm up.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] Then you came back from your class and you heard Stacy say...
Stacy Blue: [flashback, in Turk's high-pitched voice, as Turk makes a basketball spin around on his finger] Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] Then you came in and said...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [flashback, in Turk's mocking voice] Ah... hey guys...
Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] "Calm down, J.D.: this isn't what it looks like". Then I said "All right?"
[Turk's flashback ends]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Nothing happened. So drop it.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No balloons! And we didn't even have a basketball!


"Scrubs: My Day Off (#1.9)" (2001)
J.D.: I just want you to know... if I ever need surgery again, I want you to be the one inside me.
Turk: I want to be the one inside of you.

J.D.: [JD needs an appendectomy, and asks Carla who the surgeon will be] Yeah, but who's the intern who's going to be doing all the work?
Turk: [slides into JD's room dancing and singing] I get to cut you open, I get to cut you open!

Turk: He was up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.
J.D.: Dude!
Turk: Oh, my bad. Not crying, punching the wall all manly and angry like, you know what I mean?


"Scrubs: My Case Study (#2.3)" (2002)
J.D.: Look, I don't care what you think.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do.
J.D.: You're right, I do.

Dr. Cox: Hey there, Bridge Club. How're you feeling?
Mrs. Warner: I feel like crap. What the hell is wrong with me?
Dr. Cox: Your abdominal pain suggests you have billiary disease but all yours test came back negative. So we don't exactly know what's wrong with you.
J.D.: But don't worry. Dr. Cox and I never say die. Unless of course someone actually dies then we're kinda forced to by law.
Mrs. Warner: He's talking again.

Dr. Cox: Listen up, bubby. If you really want to help me, why don't you quiet down and get yourself some rest. And then if you're a really good girl, I'll wind up your car and take you out to a talkie.
Mrs. Warner: [after Dr. Cox leaves the room] Oooo, I could do naughty things to that man.
J.D.: Uncomfortable.


"Scrubs: My Number One Doctor (#7.6)" (2007)
J.D.: Dr. Kelso, I became a doctor to save lives, heal wounds and occasionally to drop the M.D. bomb to get hot tail in bars.

J.D.: [inside his head] Noted.

J.D.: You're my closest friend; in college we shared the toothbrush
Turk: I was not aware of that


"Scrubs: My Lunch (#5.20)" (2006)
J.D.: Where are you going, your shift's not over. Hey! Remember what you told me? The second you start blaming yourself for people's deaths, there's no coming back.
Dr. Cox: Yeah. You're right.

Lisa: [Jill Tracy has been admitted to the hospital and is unconscious] Do you think she could have O.D.ed?
J.D.: She had been, ah, stood up on a couple dates and ah, she hadn't seen her shrink in a while. She was definitely depressed.
Lisa: How do you know all that?
J.D.: [despondent] She told me.

J.D.: [Dr.Cox unknowingly transplanted donor organs infected with rabies into three people. Despite the team's best efforts to combat the infection, two of the recipients have recently died. Dr.Cox is sitting despondently on a couch when J.D. walks in. Narrating] I knew that Dr.Cox needed me the exact same way I'd needed him earlier.
J.D.: [Presenting a bag of take-away food] Hey! Hungry?
Dr. Cox: No.
J.D.: Guess that lunch waskind of a one-time thing, huh?
J.D.: There's no way you could've seen that coming. I mean *rabies*? C'mon, there's like three reported cases a year. In fact, testing for it would've been irresponsible. You would've been wasting time those people didn't have.
Dr. Cox: I was *obsessed* with getting those organs.
J.D.: You had to be. The fact is those people were gonna die in a number of hours and you had to make the call! I would've made the same call.
Dr. Cox: Really?
J.D.: Yes! Anyway, I got us lunch and I think we should eat it.
[J.D. produces two burgers from the bag]
J.D.: [Narrating] Right then I knew I was gonna pull him out of this. But unfortunately, sometimes the hospital picks a day when it's just gonna pile it on.
Dr. Cox: [Both J.D. and Dr.Cox's pagers go off. Dr.Cox looks at his and despairs] Oh God, C'mon!
Dr. Cox: [Dr.Cox is shown passionately trying to revive the last patient who recieved an infected organ with a defibrilator, but the patient dies anyway. Dr.Cox shouts and turns over a table in frustration. After he calms down, J.D. enters the room] He wasn't about to die, was he? He... could've waited another month for a kidney.
J.D.: [as Dr.Cox walks away] Where you going? Your shift's not over! Hey! Remember what you told me: Once you start blaming yourself for peoples' deaths, there's no going back.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you're right!
[Dr.Cox walks out of the ward and closes the door behind him as J.D. looks on]


"Scrubs: My Cookie Pants (#8.6)" (2009)
[J.D. and Elliot are in bed at night. The apartment door squeaks open, and an ascending piano scale plays]
Elliot: [whispers] J.D., someone's in the house!
J.D.: [yells] Turk, get out of here!
[a descending piano scale plays, and the door closes]
J.D.: [scene cuts to Turk sitting on a park bench with Elliot's plate of cookies]
Turk: Pull that piano crap on me?
[scoffs]
Turk: Please!

[J.D. enters his apartment, where Elliot is baking cookies]
J.D.: Hey!
Elliot: Hi.
[piano scale plays as J.D. walks across a Piano Mat]
J.D.: Why'd you put my Piano Mat here?
Elliot: I was here all day all by myself, and I got a little freaked out, so I thought I'd use that as a burglar alarm.
[J.D. plays "I'm No Superman" - "scrubs"'s theme song - on Piano Mat]
J.D.: That's catchy.

Denise: Don't worry, a lot of people are scared of needles. You're just the first one without a vagina.
Denise: [Outside] Did you know he was a priest?
J.D.: Yes, I did. See you tomorrow. If I don't, I'll just assume demons dragged you down to Hell and chewed your face off.


"Scrubs: My Intern's Eyes (#5.1)" (2006)
J.D.: I don't need your approval or your stupid man cards. But the lettering is darling, have you ever done calligraphy?
Dr. Cox: [takes a man card from JD] Thank you!
J.D.: Dammit!

J.D.: Jason, if you are filling out a female patients exam report her breasts can be healthy or unhealthy, never "banging double d's".

Dr. Kelso: Who the hell is responsible for not treating that man?
Dr. Cox: Well Bobbo, I was going to treat him but I lost my stethoscope...
J.D.: He's my patient Bob!
[Kelso and Cox turn around]
J.D.: I'm responsible!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, I've kept my mouth shut about the recent sexual harrassment complaints because I don't think it's fair to punish a man for making small talk. Or say, asking his secretary for just once, to dress up as a geisha girl and call him "Kelso San"...
J.D.: What?
Dr. Kelso: Nothing! But now I need to know, is this the type of attending you're going to be?
J.D.: I guess so.


"Scrubs: My Catalyst (#3.12)" (2004)
J.D.: None of us slept last night. How I know that is irrelevant. What does matter is I think we formed a special bond because of it.
Dr. Cox: [Turk looks at Dr. Cox] Stop looking at me, or die!

Dr. Kevin Casey: Hey, J.D., wanna get a beer after work?
J.D.: Do chickens wish they can fly?
Dr. Kevin Casey: ...I have no idea.
J.D.: I like to think they do.

J.D.: I just want you to check out Mrs. Barlow's chart; I'm always second-guessing myself when it comes to interstitial lung diseases.
Dr. Cox: Oh, then you should definitely handle this yourself, there, Britney. I'm going with female pop stars today. The point is that back when I was a resident, I had all sorts of trouble with metabolic diseases. You know what I did? I grabbed every case I could get my hands on until I had it down pat.
J.D.: Got it... You really had trouble with metabolic diseases?
Dr. Cox: Noo... I'm a good doctor.


"Scrubs: My Karma (#2.16)" (2003)
Dr. Cox: [Jordan has just told J.D. that Dr. Cox is the father of her child] What are you two talking about?
J.D.: Apartheid.
Jordan: It's wrong.

J.D.: Morning, Dr Kelso.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Dr Dorian, how is it this whole hospital gets up in arms every time our M.R.I. machine misses a tumor, but every morning our lousy coffee machine spits out warm urine and nobody gives two hoots?
J.D.: We missed another tumor?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Who cares? Point is I have to go across the street to get coffee... piping hot coffee that puts a hop in your step and your ass in the john!

J.D.: In medicine, you get used to seeing a lot of horrible things.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Morning, sport.
[J.D. looks up at Dr. Kelso, whose face is covered in red burns]
J.D.: [Thinking] Oh, my God! Do *not* say "splotchy."
[Out loud]
J.D.: Good splotchy, Dr. Splotchy.


"Scrubs: My Waste of Time (#7.10)" (2008)
Dr. Perry Cox: What in the hell are you talking about?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I'm just doing this thing where I use a slice of wisdom from someone else's life to solve a problem in my own life.
Jordan Sullivan: Seems coincidental.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And yet I do it almost every week.

[J.D. is watching Ted and the Janitor argue]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Those two should have their own sitcom.
[cut to fantasy segment]
Ted Buckland: [singing] I'm a lawyer!
The Janitor: [singing] I'm a janitor!
Ted Buckland, The Janitor: Together we adopted a cute little kid. We're Legal Custodians!
[song ends]
Ted Buckland, The Janitor: Get it?

[Elliot and J.D. are meeting a patient in a fast food parking lot]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why are we meeting him here?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Because the last time I met a patient at their house, I ended up on the news.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Was that the crack raid?
Dr. Elliot Reid: It was.


"Scrubs: My Fruit Cups (#2.8)" (2002)
Dr. Perry Cox: [after JD winked at him] Oh my God, Sabrina... You had better tell me that you just had laser eye surgery and they accidentally severed the muscle that enables your hold that lid up because you did not just wink at me!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I didn't mean anything by it. I wink at everybody.
[to Kelso]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Hey, Dr Kelso!
[winks at him]
Dr. Kelso: Save it for the bathhouses, sport.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to himself, leaving] Oh, boy...

Janitor: [J.D. and Turk have been stealing hospital supplies] Hey, have you been stealing pudding cups and toilet paper around here?
J.D.: [stammers] No! I hate pudding and I don't use... toilet paper.
Janitor: [Janitor stares]
J.D.: I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
Janitor: Bidet?
J.D.: BIDET to you sir.

Elliot: My dad's coming in to town for a conference tomorrow.
Carla: You don't seem that stressed out.
Elliot: Well, I haven't pooed in six days.
J.D.: Twice this morning, and I haven't even had my coffee yet.
Elliot: You really pick odd things to brag about.
J.D.: I'm just saying, if I had to get three by lunch, I probably could.


"Scrubs: My Own American Girl (#3.1)" (2003)
Dr. Moyer: You called me in from home to do an abdomile CAT scan that could wait until Monday morning? Well guess what? It's not happening.
J.D.: Look, Dr. Moyer...
Dr. Moyer: [throwing a tantrum] These are my machines!
Carla: Sir...
Dr. Moyer: [ANGRY] My machines!
Chris Turk: Who's machines?
Dr. Moyer: They're my machines!
J.D.: [to Turk] How is that helpful?
Dr. Moyer: [throwing his arms up & down] They're mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! My machine! My machine!
[again and again until scene ends]

Dr. Elliot Reid: You know what I realized when I was dragging my car door around- I cannot remember the last good thing that happened to me at this place. I mean, what is it about me that makes everybody walk all over me?
Carla: No self-confidence.
Chris Turk: You can be a baby sometimes.
J.D.: Your voice gets really high when you're upset.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [in a high voice] Rhetorical question, ok?


"Scrubs: My Last Day (#1.24)" (2002)
Jordan: Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her! Perhaps you're afraid of something? Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for, was filled months ago! It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah! And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here...
J.D.: [thinking] Oh, please God, no.
Jordan: I slept with him... and it was good - oh! How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye!

Dr. Perry Cox: The simple fact that you seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor. Hell, it's... It's why I trust you as a person.
J.D.: Are you dying?
Dr. Perry Cox: I've got a new shrink.


"Scrubs: My Point of No Return (#6.22)" (2007)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating while cuddling Kim] It felt good to be holding the mother of my child...
Dr. Kim Briggs: This is nice.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating, still cuddling Kim] ... but given recent events, cuddling was as far as I was gonna go. Kim and I had to get to know each other again and build trust and... oh, my God, is that side-boob?
Dr. Kim Briggs: Oohh, careful with the side-boob, big guy... my hormones are going crazy. I might just pounce your skinny ass...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Kim, I really don't think we should.
Dr. Kim Briggs: I won't, then. I got a giant boogie in my nose.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] Look at her saying "I won't" with a giant boogie in her nose... I must have her!
[out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You know what, on second thought...
Dr. Kim Briggs: Yes?
[they start to kiss and make out]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] Still, I wonder what it'll be like having sex with a pregnant woman.
[later that night]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That was so cool... and weird!
Dr. Kim Briggs: Yeah... somebody else liked it too. He's going crazy in there.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And now it's disgusting.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to Turk and Cox] Raj... Rerun...
Dr. Perry Cox: OK, Tina... here's what I'm prepared to offer you to relinquish the post of godfather.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Not interested.
Dr. Perry Cox: Effective immediately, I will stop calling you girls' names... you interested now?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm still here, aren't I?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Be strong; you can get more.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Good thinking. What else you got, Per-Per?
Dr. Perry Cox: I'll give you my real pager number.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to Turk] I'll be able to page him 24/7!
Dr. Christopher Turk: No deal.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What are you doing?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Eeeeh! Put a cherry on top.
Dr. Perry Cox: One hug.
[J.D. screams]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Per week.
Dr. Perry Cox: Decade.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Month.
Dr. Perry Cox: Year.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Done. You're welcome.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating while he's almost shacking hands with Cox] And then, as I was about to close the deal of the century, it hit me.
[out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Wait a minute! If I agree with that I only get that stuff until you retire; but if I'm godfather, I'm in your life forever. I'll see you at the christening.
[leaves]
Dr. Perry Cox: I think this time I'm actually gonna kill him... yup, this is the one.


"Scrubs: My Best Laid Plans (#4.19)" (2005)
Elliot: So's your face!
J.D.: [Voiceover] Walked right into that one.

Dr. Christopher Turk: [J.D. returns from his girlfriend's apartment] Hey hey, here he is! My buddy hit it and quit it, didn't he?
J.D.: [narrating] Hell no.
J.D.: Hell yes! Now if you'll excuse me it's time for my nightly ritual.
J.D.: [narrating] Pleasure myself, weep, and repeat.


"Scrubs: My Roommates (#4.18)" (2005)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Seeing Perry and Ron together] This is pretty great! You two have been friends for a long time, and integrated friendship: white guy and black guy...
Ron Laver: I believe the term is AFRICAN-AMERICAN!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [mumbles] Turk lets me call him brown bear.
Ron Laver: Who the hell is Turk?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [At the End of the episode]
[while hugging Turk]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm so happy to have my African American friend back.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, call me brown bear.

Todd Quinlan: There's only one rule if you're gonna stay at El Casa de Todd:
[removes robe to reveal his bananahammock]
Todd Quinlan: You gotta hammock up.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh... I don't have one of those, Todd.
Todd Quinlan: No problem.
[opens wardrobe which is full of bananahammocks and takes one out]
Todd Quinlan: What are you, about a medium?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: ...Extra-medium.
Todd Quinlan: This'll work. And it'll look good, too.


"Scrubs: My New Coat (#2.5)" (2002)
Ted: Is my birthday.
J.D.: What?
Ted: Nothing

Dr. Perry Cox: [turning around J.D] Listen closely, Tiny Dancer! I wouldn't be flapping my mouth if I'd forgotten to get a blood culture on Mr Blair. And, for the love of God, do you at least remember what you were doing the day they were passing out common sense? Oh gosh, maybe you were running late that day 'cos' you couldn't find the right thong for those low-rider jeans that you love so much; maybe you were busy bopping along to whatever boy band really makes your heart race nowadays and you just drove on by. Of course I don't know, I'm just guessing... But one thing's sure: you wound up at the dumb-dumb store and just went ahead and put about as much of that in the car as you could fit... didn't you?
J.D.: [narrating to himself] And then I did something I've never done before...
[Out loud]
J.D.: Look, Doctor! If you flipped the page on that chart
[starts and turns around Cox]
J.D.: you'd see that I pan cultured him yesterday. But that would probably get in the way of the perverse pleasure you take in pointing out people's slip-ups! Well, too bad, Buster Brown, because I'm a resident now, and I'm not gonna be making the same intern mistakes I made last year. I'd appreciate if you wouldn't stand and yell at me in front of my patient!
Dr. Perry Cox: Buster Brown?
J.D.: Buster Brown.
[narrating to himself]
J.D.: Focus all energy on lip not quivering!
Dr. Perry Cox: [Growls and goes away]
J.D.: [narrating to himself] Wow...


"Scrubs: My Therapeutic Month (#6.10)" (2007)
Dr. Christopher Turk: [while in J.D.'s new apartment]
[looks up at the ceiling fan]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Awesome ceiling fan.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [switches to Turk getting a cast on his arm back at Sacred Heart] What happened? Is everything all right?
Dr. Christopher Turk: It was a TOTALLY un-avoidable accident!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [J.D. does his thing when he looks up to a flashback]
[turk is playing the classic hand game while sticking his hands in between the blades of the fan]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Check out the cool moves!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's awesome!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You wanna see awesome? Turn it up!
[J.D. turns around to turn up the fan, and then a loud thud is heard and he sees Turk is stuck on the blades and is flying around the room]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Whoa! Turn it off!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [switch falls off] This thing came off!
Dr. Christopher Turk: AUGHHHHHH!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [switch back to present] He was a beautiful black blur.

Dr. Anne Chase: Hi, I'm Anne Chase, Brian's physical therapist.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Konichiwa...
Private Brian Dancer: I'd love to put my ear on her butt to see if I could hear the ocean...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, Brian, you're doing that thing where you say your thoughts out loud. It's a side-effect of his injury.
Dr. Anne Chase: Oh...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating while he and Bryan wink at each other] I wasn't, but we'd been having fun since we came up with that.


"Scrubs: My Way or the Highway (#1.20)" (2002)
J.D.: Hello, Benedict.
Chris Turk: What?
J.D.: Benedict Arnold!
Chris Turk: That has got to be the lamest smack talk I have ever heard.
J.D.: Well the redcoats didn't think so!
Patient: You just went colonial on his ass!

J.D.: You see, surgical and medical interns are kinda like two rival gangs. Not real gangs, more like those cheesy gangs you see in Broadway musicals.


"Scrubs: My Common Enemy (#4.7)" (2004)
J.D.: Mmm, mulattos.
Carla: They're Milanos, you idiot.
J.D.: I always thought that was a little racist for a cookie.

Dr. Christopher Turk: You know, on The Sopranos, if a guy caught his brother with his girlfriend, he'd just rub his ass out.
J.D.: Oh, believe you me, the second I get Dan alone, there's gonna be some serious ass rubbing... I shouldn't smack talk.
Dan Dorian: [arriving] Hey, mind if I join you guys?
Dr. Perry Cox: [arriving too] The question you should be asking is "Mind if I diddle your ex?". Oh... and just a great big congratulations on your ongoing streak of being the world's worst older brother.
[leaves]
Dan Dorian: [stands, then smiles] Thanks, Coxy.
J.D.: [narrating] I knew it was my turn to let Dan have it, but for some reason I wasn't mad.
[out loud]
J.D.: Listen, Dan...
Dan Dorian: J.D., let me explain. I came to the hospital to see you... and I ran into Elliot and it just happened. It was an one-time thing.
J.D.: I'm OK with it.
Dan Dorian: Great, because it's going on for a few weeks! Elliot's amazing: smart, funny... hhhot! I was in a dark place and she saved me, she really did. I haven't feel this good since my dad died.
J.D.: Our dad.
Dan Dorian: Right.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Hold on. When Carla and I came home yesterday, we heard something; did you two hook up in J.D.'s room?
Dan Dorian: A friend wouldn't ask, a gentleman wouldn't tell.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Did you?
Dan Dorian: Twice. We didn't go under the sheets, out of respect.
J.D.: [sarcastically] How thoughtful!


"Scrubs: His Story III (#5.19)" (2006)
[JD is making a video project to send to his mother]
J.D.: Dr. Cox, do you have anything you'd like to say to my mom?
Dr. Cox: No, but I have something I'd like to say to her uterus, because it brought you into this world.
[Smacks camera and shakes finger]
Dr. Cox: Bad uterus! Don't do that anymore!

Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox and JD examine a patient with locked-in syndrome, who communicates via computer] Go ahead and check Mr. McNair's blood pressure, please, Eva.
Mr. McNair: I don't get it - Why does he call you a girl's name?
J.D.: Thank you for asking, Mr. McNair. You see, the thing about Dr. Cox is that, the closer he feels to a person, the more he needs to push them away. So when he calls me Eva, he's actually saying, "JD, I care about you!" Vulnerable people like Dr. Cox...
Mr. McNair: Oh my god! I get it now, Carol. Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol...
J.D.: Now you're being a jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
Dr. Cox: Newbie! I'm relatively certain that the computer is broken.
J.D.: Oh, my bad.


"Scrubs: My Mentor (#1.2)" (2001)
J.D.: Aww, be nice to Rowdy. The guy we bought him from used to keep him in a box full of old hats.

J.D.: The one thing we never stop looking for is acceptance.


"Scrubs: My Philosophy (#2.13)" (2003)
Elaine: [discussing death with J.D.] I really hope it's like a big Broadway musical... Everyone's all dressed up and singing to the rafters, and you go out with a real flourish.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I think it's like a game of dodgeball. There's a lot of chaos and screaming and... you know, eventually you get your glasses snapped by the big kid who already has under-arm hair.... But then you wake up in the hot nurse's office, and when she leans in to put that bandage on your nose you get the sense that something could happen if you just took a chance and buried your face in her knockers....
Dr. Perry Cox: [shaking his head] Holy cow! I'm so sorry... For my part, I think death is a lot like that story, quite frankly. But, if there is a God, it'll be a lot quicker and half as painful.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That Mrs Larkin is an aggressive lady. She won't even let her husband finish a sen...
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, shut the hell up, would you, please? At least she's ballsy! Unlike that husband, who's the overly thoughtful, sensitive type that drives me crazy.
[to J.D., who's smiling]
Dr. Perry Cox: What?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, I think... I think the Larkins complement each other... they're a good team. Kinda remind me of us.
Dr. Perry Cox: Roseanne... now, granted I was, as usual, only half listening to you, but I get the sinking feeling you just compared us to a married couple. I know... I know a girl can dream, but... this... is never gonna happen.


"Scrubs: My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby (#6.2)" (2006)
J.D.: Should I get a baby too?
Turk: I'm a little preoccupied right now. Why don't you ask your unicorn?
J.D.: Ah, this is way over Justin's head... he's never been in love. Not real love, anyway...

Dr. Kim Briggs: J.D., we have to talk about all of our pregnancy options, even if they make us uncomfortable- There's one way of dealing with this that no one's mentioned yet... the "A" word.
J.D.: I know.
[as Kim speaks too]
J.D.: Appletinis.
Dr. Kim Briggs: [as J.D. Speaks too] Abortion... what?
J.D.: I though that we could discuss abortion over Appletinis.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Did somebody just say "abortion"?
Dr. Kim Briggs: Laverne, with all due respect, this is none of your business... or Jesus'.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: [puts a Jesus statue on the counter] I believe he would beg to differ...
[J.D.' fantasy starts]
Jesus: She's right, J.D., every life is precious.
J.D.: But what if having this baby is a huge mistake for us?
Jesus: [sighs tiredly, massages his own eyes and stretches from stress] OK... I'm gonna make this real simple: no abortion, OK?
J.D.: But what if...
Jesus: [in a high-pitched voice] No abortions...
J.D.: Let me finish... what if the parents were, like, abusive drug-addicts who would neglect their kid?
Jesus: Oh, well, in that case it'd be OK.
J.D.: Really?
Jesus: No abortions! How are you not getting this?
[J.D.'s fantasy ends]


"Scrubs: My Last Chance (#4.8)" (2004)
J.D.: If you bring sarcasm my way, baby, prepare to be stung.
Elliot: J.D...
J.D.: So's your face.
Elliot: That doesn't even make any sense.
J.D.: 'So's your face' always makes sense.
Carla: J.D., that's stupid.
J.D.: So's your face! Man, I am on fire, hello.

J.D.: I think the easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly


"Scrubs: My Big Mouth (#2.4)" (2002)
Janitor: What's up?
J.D.: [thinking] Be careful here... Don't give him anything.
J.D.: Nothing. What. Is. Up. With. You... Man?
Janitor: I always get this way in the fall, you know - summer's gone, the days are shorter; it just makes me feel so... what's the word...
J.D.: Sad?
Janitor: Yes, that's it. I'm a janitor, so I couldn't think of the word "sad". I was gonna say, it makes me feel so "mop."
J.D.: Let me explain, I -...
Janitor: Go ahead, I'm "mopping".
J.D.: Maybe I shouldn't bother.
Janitor: Maybe you "mopn't".

J.D.: Look, every time you've screwed up with me, I've totally let you off the hook.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: When have I ever screwed up with you.
J.D.: [pauses and thinks] OK, never, but we both know that if I ever did, I would give you a break. Now let's see how you like it when I walk away from you
[Exits right]
J.D.: [Walks back on screen] Actually, I need to go this way.
[Exits left]
J.D.: [Walks back on screen] Right the first time
[Exits right]


"Scrubs: My No Good Reason (#6.14)" (2007)
Chad Miller: You remember Kristin Fisher?
J.D.: Of course, she turned me down for homecoming and prom even though I didn't ask her to either one

Heather: [recorded on tape, to Isabella] What's the matter? You're so fussy... Why are you so fussy?
Ted Buckland: I'd let her give me a bath, I don't care if my mom was watching...
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Could you make her eat a banana?
J.D.: It's not interactive, Todd.
Heather: [recorded on tape] There it is! There it is, let me...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [entering] Hey baby! What are you guys watching?
Dr. Christopher Turk: [pausing the tape] Football.
everyone: Yeah, football... yeah... good game...
[Carla turns around to the TV; Turk stops the tape]
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Football? Isn't the season over?
J.D.: [narrating] And then every male in the room fell totally in sync, resulting in the rarest of all phenomenon: the seamless, collaborative guy-lie
Keith: The American season is over. We were watching Mexican football.
Dr. Doug Murphy: They started late this year.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Because of the churro vendors.
Ted Buckland: They went on strike and the players wouldn't cross the picket line.
J.D.: When the dispute turned violent, they called in Rodrigo Vasquez, the owner of the Baja Bandidos, to step in.
Dr. Kelso: Thanks to Señor Vasquez's experience dealing with the fruit-pickers' unions, he was able to broker a last-minute deal, and the season was salvaged.
Dr. Christopher Turk: And that's why we're watching football in the spring.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Whatever...


"Scrubs: My Heavy Meddle (#1.16)" (2002)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I get it, it's because I'm a girl.
Dr. Perry Cox: Franklyn, you heard it, say it.
Franklyn: He's a girl.
Dr. Perry Cox: Good boy.

J.D.: My high school teacher, Mr. Peters, died.
Turk: You OK?
J.D.: Doing a lot better than Mr. Peters.


"Scrubs: My Super Ego (#1.7)" (2001)
J.D.: Go ahead, insult me like you always do.
Janitor: Too easy. When you least expect it...

Carla: [about a male intern] You're right; he definitely has a cute little butt.
Elliot: It's almost like it's been sculpted.
J.D.: Who cares? Everyone has a cute butt; I have a cute butt.
Carla: You should bring it in someday.


"Scrubs: My Nickname (#1.10)" (2001)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] Okay, the only way to avoid the high-five with Todd is not to say anything that he can connect to sex.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: How you doin'?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [makes a side-to-side "so-so" motion with his hand]
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Dude; that's totally how my car was rockin' when I took this girl out last night.
[makes the same gesture but adds a squeaking sound effect]
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Am I right?
[throws his hand up]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ahh, he earned it.
[holds his hand out]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: *whack*

Dr. Cox: Everyone, we can all relax now. The planets have been realigned and order shall be returned to the people.
[to Elliot]
Dr. Cox: Hey, you!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Just... give me two seconds, gotta finish e-mailing Jill.
Dr. Cox: I have right here your little friend's test results. Shall we have some fun and take a look?
[opens the chart and read it]
Dr. Cox: Hmm, interesting! EKG negative; Tilt Table negative; Echo negative. Nyet, nada, zilch, nothing in fact is wrong with her but little stress and exhaustion, brought on mostly by... oh, let it come... being her!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah, but if you don't...
Dr. Cox: No no, no no, no no, no no, no no, no no no... No! There's no time for "Yeah, buts". I want her out of here in the next five minutes or you'll be personally responsible for covering every missed shift during this year's flu season. Now go! Now go! Now go!
[Elliot goes, J.D. arrives; Cox whistles at him]
Dr. Cox: Hey you! For what it's worth I don't care if your beeper plays "Who let the dogs out? Hoof, hoof!" as many times as you like.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Actually, sir, it's "who, who"... but thank you, that... that's great.
Dr. Cox: Sure. Oh, and Ginger, by the way... just a real smooth move running to your mommy...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, your mommy c-rushed me. She did. I'd like to issue a warning to everybody, and I'm dead serious. FYI: J.D.'s mommy has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want her daughter picked on any more. Nothing mean. She's a precious flower and we should all be super nice to her...


"Scrubs: My Changing Ways (#4.25)" (2005)
J.D.: [JD and Turk are lying on the ground] Why are we lying in the parking lot?
Turk: Your hook shot knocked you unconscious and I lied down next to you so everybody would think we were chillin'.
J.D.: Oh. Thanks S.C.B. By the way I should tell you something. I found an apartment and I'm moving out the day after tomorrow.
Turk: Wow. What does S.C.B. mean?
J.D.: Super. Chocolate. Bear.
Turk: I love it.

J.D.: [thinking] Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it...
Elliot: [when JD walks by Elliot and Carla] Carla, I can sense you're upset, talk to me!
J.D.: [looks confused, the continues walking and thinks] OK, but Turk is a prideful guy and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive
Dr. Cox: [when JD walks by Dr. Cox and Jordan] Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive...
J.D.: [looking back to the hallway, thinking] Touché, magic hallway!


"Scrubs: My Own Worst Enemy (#7.1)" (2007)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What is wrong with me?
Dr.Perry Cox: You're an annoying, whiny man-child.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That question wasn't directed at you!
Dr.Perry Cox: What question?

Dr.Perry Cox: That's it! Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the First Annual Sacred Heart Who-Caresies Awards, designed to honor those people who believe that others actually give a rat's ass about the minutiae of their lives.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] The weird thing was, I think we all really wanted to win.
[J.D.'s fantasy starts]
Dr.Perry Cox: And the nominees are Barbie Reid for "What Am I Gonna Do About My Ex-Fiancé?"; Dame Judy Dorian for "I'm Done Self-Sabotaging"; Gandhi for "I've Got Candy In My Teeth"; The Todd for "Look At My New Shirt!".
[on Todd's shirt is written SHHH! DONG SLEEPING]
Dr.Perry Cox: And the winner is... Dame Judy Dorian! This is Dame Judy Dorian's first nomination and first win.
[J.D.'s fantasy ends]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] Suck on that, Tony Shaloub!


"Scrubs: My T.C.W. (#2.18)" (2003)
J.D.: I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, It's important to let go of the little things. Even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more then feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.

J.D.: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! And shut up! Okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long!
[to Dr. Cox]
J.D.: And you know what? Glare all you want, Big Dog, okay, cause I'm not afraid of you. Oh, no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby! That must be so hard for Dr. Look-At-Me! Isn't it? Look at me!
[to Turk and Carla]
J.D.: And you two? Come on, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that, ever! It can't be that you're just scared, is it?
[to Elliot]
J.D.: And you! Y-you know what, let's just - let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone. Because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!
[storms out as Laverne comes in]
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Did I miss something good?


"Scrubs: My Clean Break (#3.11)" (2004)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Turk... we tried Giant Black Guy. Remember what happened? People ran.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Thinking] With the long hours at a hospital, you don't have time to worry about your appearance.
[a mousy, unkempt female doctor enters, stopping at the desk next to J.D]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Thinking] It may sound sexist, but with the female doctors, it's slightly more noticeable.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Hey Janice. Is it windy out?
Janice: No. Why do you always ask me that?
[She walks off, offended]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Because I'm - I'm captain of m-m-my kite-flying team? The M-m-mighty Kites?


"Scrubs: My Lucky Night (#3.4)" (2003)
Dr. Elliot Reid: [to herself] What's wrong with me? Here I am, trying not to let fear rule my life anymore, and then... Sean moves away and i don't even have the guts to tell him how I feel...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to himself] ... how I feel. I mean, life's too short not to go for it with Elliot. Plus, now Sean's out of the picture. Stop being such a chicken!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [to himself] Stop being suck a chicken! I know it's a complicated procedure, but I can do it without Carla, there. What am I so scared of?
Dr. Perry Cox: [to himself] What am I so scared of? That I might actually get this job and have no one to blame it on if I fail? Good Lord, I'm pathetic... When was the last time...
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [to herself] When was the last time he ever apologized for anything? I wanna help him, I do... but in a lot of ways I guess I'm as stubborn as he is. I wish I could make sense out of this...
The Janitor: [to himself] I wish I could make sense out of this. 30 cents, to be exact... damn riddle! Easy, Janitor... you'll get this.

The Janitor: Hey! We solved your dumb game.
Troy: We been to the libary!
The Janitor: -brary... Troy! Library! Anyway, what two coins, when you put 'em together, make 30 cents and one of them isn't a nickel? Uhm... A penny and a 1972 dime with a Roosevelt imperfection, today worth exactly 29 cents.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, no no. The correct answer is a quarter and a nickel.
The Janitor: Uhm, no, because you said one of them isn't a nickel.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Right. The other one is.
The Janitor: You lied to me.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No. It's a riddle.
[leaves]
Troy: [to the Janitor] Uh, your face is red like a strawberry!
The Janitor: ...Don't have kids.


"Scrubs: My Urologist (#5.23)" (2006)
J.D.: [calling out to Dr. Kim, who he is disappointed to learn wears her wedding ring] Kim, wait! I know I can't make you mine, unless I make you mine...
J.D.: [reveals his vampire teeth and bites in Dr. Kim's neck a la Dr. Acula] ... for eternity!
Dr. Kim Briggs: Dr. Acula! Don't... stop!

J.D.: Gift Shop Girl...
Lisa the Gift Shop Girl: Hey, J.D.
J.D.: I thought you died.
Lisa the Gift Shop Girl: No, I just got married.
J.D.: But I sent your family flowers.
Lisa the Gift Shop Girl: I know. You bought them from me... it was kinda weird.


"Scrubs: My Boss's Free Haircut (#4.20)" (2005)
J.D.: Why can't Carla just let this go?
Elliot: Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his exgirlfriend?
J.D.: Yeah, but mostly because I had a husband

Dr. Kelso: You are going to shut your damn yapper and listen for a change, because I got you pegged, sweetheart. You want to take the easy way out with the surgery because you're scared. You're scared because if you try and fail, there's only you to blame. Well, Missy, let me break this down for you, Bobbo-style. Life is scary. Get used to it.
J.D.: [Narration] And then it seemed like Dr. Kelso wasn't only talking to her.
Dr. Kelso: There are no magical fixes. It's all up to you. So get up off your keister, get out of here, and go start doin' the work.
Nell Goldman: What if it's too hard?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, what if it's too hard?
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, I have no idea why you're chiming in, but I'll say this to both of you. Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy.


"Scrubs: My Transition (#5.24)" (2006)
J.D.: And there it was: the moment where pity was turning in to genuine affection. Classic Dorian.

J.D.: Hey Kim, how'd you like a night into town with the hottest doctor in this place?
Dr. Kim Briggs: I'd rather just go out with you.


"Scrubs: My Old Man (#1.19)" (2002)
Dr. Kelso: Are you an idiot?
J.D.: No, sir, I'm a dreamer.

Dr. Perry Cox: You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy 26-year-old doctor who keeps crying about how horrible his father was.
J.D.: Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so...
Dr. Perry Cox: Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage. And from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger, and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand, but for now trust me when I tell you that I wouldn't care if today was the first time you ever even met your daddy. Because in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job. Okay?


"Scrubs: My Dream Job (#2.22)" (2003)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Dr. Cox...
Dr. Perry Cox: Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'see ya' then the third word will be 'oh my god, my crotch, you've punched me in the crotch."
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: See ya.

Spence: [to Dr. Cox] Hey, congratulations.
Dr. Perry Cox: For what, jackass?
Spence: You just had a baby.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, no, no, she
[Jordan]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: just had a baby.
Spence: Yeah, but you said it was his. You said something else, too.
Dr. Christopher Turk: That he didn't know it yet.
Spence: That's exactly right!


"Scrubs: My Turf War (#6.18)" (2007)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Anyway, I know it's hard to believe, but when I first got to college I was a little bit of a...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Dork?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Geek?
Dr. Bob Kelso: [passing by] Good-time Sally who gave it away for free?
Melody O'Harra: I was the tramp, you old bitch!
Dr. Bob Kelso: [walking away] Liking her...


"Scrubs: My First Day (#1.1)" (2001)
J.D.: How's it going?
Janitor: I'm 37 years old and I'm a janitor. How do you think it's going?
J.D.: Now there is nothing wrong with being a janitor.
Janitor: Really? Thank you. You've turned my life around. I have to go tell my janitor wife and all my janitor kids that life is worth living. And that comes straight from our hero, Dr. Whozits, Dr. Nothing. No, seriously, come on. You can come over to my humble house and point out things that are cheap.


"Scrubs: My Kingdom (#2.19)" (2003)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [J.D. is hanging from the flagpole by his underwear] Am I the only one they've ever done this to?
Dr. Christopher Turk: No, man, they did this to Frank Fratcherman.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Who's Frank Fratcherman?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Okay, you're the only one.


"Scrubs: My Identity Crisis (#7.4)" (2007)
Dr. Christopher Turk: [about Carla's Dream] That is a weird dream.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yeah, I don't even like waterparks... I mean I did 'til someone thought it'd be funny to go down the slide two seconds after me.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, the lifeguard told me to go.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Really? Did he also tell you to take your trunks off, Turk? Because the last thing a guy wants to see when he's in a splash pool is his best friends junk headed towards him at forty miles per hour... felt like I got pistol-whipped!


"Scrubs: My Self-Examination (#3.21)" (2004)
J.D.: How does it go? You're out of luck in the soup department?
Larry Thomas the Soup Nazi: No soup for you!


"Scrubs: My Perspective (#6.9)" (2007)
Dr. Bob Kelso: Hiya! My name is Bob Kelso and I like whores! Now... why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth. Now you take Dorian's intern Brendan, for example: he told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap; and what did the patient do, Doctor?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, well, oh... she... she started to hyperventilate, a-and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank; it turned out to be a helium container from paediatrics. The she screamed
[in a very high-pitched voice]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: "I'll kill you, bitches!",
[in his normal voice again]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Oh, indeed it was. But you know what wasn't? When she ran for the door, tripped and fell and broke her femur. Now she's suing the hospital, and since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?
Ted Buckland: [reading his newspaper] Girlfriend's gonna get paid...
Dr. Christopher Turk: So you called this meeting to say we should lie more?
Dr. Perry Cox: Sorry there, Bobbo, but I'm gonna go ahead and tell the truth whenever I damn well please. For instance, your tie: it's hideous. In fact its only redeeming quality is to divert attention from the very visible outline of your man girdle.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Too mean.
Dr. Perry Cox: Sorry.


"Scrubs: My Lawyer's in Love (#8.8)" (2009)
Ted Buckland: [singing "Don't Fear the Reaper" with a cappella band]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] As wrong as it was to serenade sick kids about the upside of death, it was perfect for my walk to Dr Cox's office.


"Scrubs: My Sacrificial Clam (#1.21)" (2002)
J.D.: [JD walks into a room with a chart and starts talking to his four patients] Alrighty, what do we have here?
Dr. Douglas: What you've got here young man are four cases of Legionnaires pneumonia.
Dr. Lamar: So I would start us out on IV aminoglycosides.
Dr. Bailey: And make sure you check for urinary legionella antigen.
Dr. Franklyn: I don't know it could be viral considering my gastrointestinal situation.
Dr. Bailey: Here comes the fart joke.
Dr. Franklyn: No no no, really, I think I could have strep/numo.
Dr. Douglas: All four of us are doctors.
J.D.: Let me guess, golf cart accident?


"Scrubs: My Bright Idea (#5.16)" (2006)
Elliot: Can't we just go home, put on our pj's and watch "Grey's Anatomy?"
J.D.: I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and just put them on TV.


"Scrubs: My Buddy's Booty (#5.11)" (2006)
Elliot: J.D. can't we just go home, put on our pjs and watch Grey's Anatomy.
J.D.: Oh, how I do love that show. It is like they have been watching our lives, and put it on tv.


"Scrubs: My Dumb Luck (#7.9)" (2008)
Ted: [Seeing Turk and J.D. hug] I need one of those.
J.D.: A hug?
Ted: No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.
Turk: I should be offended, but he's right.


"Scrubs: My Bad Too (#7.7)" (2008)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What am I gonna tell Emery? Did you hear the song we wrote? Nurse, do you mind?
[Nurse opens door to Emery's room]
Emery: [singing] Goin' to graduation, I'm goin' to graduation.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: It's called "I'm Going to Graduation," parentheses, "The Graduation Song."


"Scrubs: My New Suit (#5.18)" (2006)
Dr. Cox: OK. As you all know Sacred Heart is dealing with a mountain of malpractice lawsuits courtesy of bumbling interns, clueless doctors and hack surgeons, or as I like to refer to them, you people. Now, since Sweaty Teddy here backs up his infinitesimal knowledge of the law with absolutely zero knowledge of medicine, one of you is going to have to help him go through the claims, decipher medical stuff and somehow relay all of that into his tiny peanut brain. Ted, how many times did I insult you during that speech? I was shooting for five.
Ted Buckland: Only three, unless you count "Sweaty Teddy" as an insult; but my mom calls me that, and she loves me, right?
Dr. Cox: No Ted. She hates you. Four. Now, since Ted has no life, and that's five, I'm going and let him select his very own victim. Ted...
Ted Buckland: I'll take Claire!
Claire: Oh God...
Ted Buckland: You turned me down 14 times for drinks! Well, who's the creepy loser now, huh?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] And just like that I had the chance to comfort Claire.
[out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You look like you need to be rescued...
[Claire nods; J.D. Narrates again]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Life was good... but then came a surprise visit from my brother and a round of the game he likes to call Watch Her Leave.
[J.D. comforts Claire; Dan arrives at their back, holding a bunch of flowers]
Dan Dorian: There's no easy way to say this... we got the crabs.
[Claire runs away]
Dan Dorian: Wow, she was cute...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yes, she was, Dan... thank you.
Dan Dorian: Welcome.
[J.D. looks into the camera]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: We'll be right back
[leaves with Dan]
Patient #1: Was he talking to us?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Don't know, don't care.


"Scrubs: My Own Personal Hell (#5.14)" (2006)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] A local magazine named Dr Cox the best doctor in the city. Dr Cox felt this was big news.
[Cox walks in front of doctors, paramedics and patients all arranged in a row]
Dr. Perry Cox: All right! Here's how it's going to work, people. I'm going to ask each and everyone of you just exactly WHO is the very finest physician in this city, to which you will respond: "You are!". If you do not reply in a timely and exuberant fashion , my associate here will take his mop and, these are his words, not mine, "Popsicle you".
[poses a hand over Janitor's shoulder; he makes a rapid and threatening move with his mop]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now, my lovely ex-wife will demonstrate. Darling, just exactly who is the very best physician in our fair city?
Jordan Sullivan: You are! And now, as agreed, you owe me a night on the town and some "me actually getting to finish" sex.
Dr. Perry Cox: Well done. Now, down the line we go!
Person in Line #2: You are!
Person in Line: You are!
Asian Nurse: You are!
Black Nurse: You are!
Lonnie: Y'are!
[the Janitor pokes him with the mop]
Lonnie: God! Why?
The Janitor: You combined "You" and "Are", and you said "Yar". Made no sense.
Dr. Perry Cox: It's true, Lonnie. Everybody heard it. Poke him again.
[the Janitor pokes Lonnie again, he squeaks in pain. Cox notices Kelso in line]
Dr. Perry Cox: Bob Kelso... will you be joining us?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Mh? Uh... there was a line... I assumed it had something to do with cupcakes.
Dr. Perry Cox: Bob, obviously you read the article...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Perry, the last publication I read was the issue of Out my son left by the crapper when he was home this weekend asking for money. You'll never get my validation, hotshot.
[walks away, not poked by the Janitor]
Dr. Perry Cox: And just exactly where was the poke?
The Janitor: I froze. Gimme 20 bucks, I will crack him over the head.
Dr. Perry Cox: [gives Janitor the money] Only kill him if you have to.


"Scrubs: My Long Goodbye (#6.15)" (2007)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Somebody just had a baby...
Dr. Perry Cox: How do you know?
Dr. Elliot Reid: My uterus is glowing.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: My mom had a uterus... I lived in it...


"Scrubs: My Two Dads (#1.5)" (2001)
J.D.: Nah, this is my roommate's badge, so we must have switched them this morning when we...
Dr. Kelso: That's a great anecdote, you should write that down in your journal so your kids can read it when you're dead.


"Scrubs: My Tormented Mentor (#3.15)" (2004)
Maddie: Does this bra make my boobs look fake?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: ...No.
Maddie: Damn.
Maddie: [Turns to Allison] You wanna switch?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: No! No switchies! I think we should all be happy with the bras God gave us.


"Scrubs: My New Old Friend (#2.12)" (2003)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Look, Elliot, I...
Dr. Perry Cox: Ah damn! I missed the annual sleepover, didn't I? That wonderful time of year when you two crazy kids throw caution to the wind and make sweet, elbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy! You can tell Uncle Coxy about the naught-ay!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox, I lost my apartment and so I was just needing a place to stay...
Dr. Perry Cox: so you went over to your "friend"'s house and cried on his shoulder, boo-hoo... wham! You
[to JD]
Dr. Perry Cox: , of course, comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable and blah, blah, blah, nerdy sex... the end. Dear Lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long?
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Are you kidding? If he turns out to be her brother, this is better than my stories.
Dr. Perry Cox: [going away] Oh, you're so right...


"Scrubs: My Comedy Show (#8.10)" (2009)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Face it, Turk. It's a bro-mance.


"Scrubs: My Extra Mile (#5.15)" (2006)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Sometimes you've got to go the extra mile with patients. That's what makes me such a special doctor.
Dr. Perry Cox: That and your amazing ability to switch back and forth, seamlessly, between male and female genitalia.


"Scrubs: My Hypocritical Oath (#4.15)" (2005)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [J.D. enters where James and Kylie are waiting] Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
[Thinking]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
[Out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: ... So the moth says..."That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I... I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
[Thinking]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: "The light was on"!
[Out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!"
[Kylie bursts out laughing. James stares blankly]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: The light! The light, James. Moths love light.


"Scrubs: His Story (#2.15)" (2003)
Dr. Perry Cox: [rapidly] Kelso asked me to give him a physical. I did it and he said "thank you" and told me he owed me one.
Dr. Gross: You actually made a decision that benefited you personally and professionally?
Dr. Perry Cox: Well, a resident kind of talked me into it.
Dr. Gross: Come on, you're telling me that you actually took the advice of another human being?
[Cox nods]
Dr. Gross: This is a great moment for me.
Dr. Perry Cox: Congratulations.
Dr. Gross: Thank you. And Perry, if there's someone in your life at that hell hole of a hospital who you actually listen to, you should do everything in your power to keep them around, because that person is nothing short of a genius.
[cuts to J.D. in elevator]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [sings] Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting!


"Scrubs: My Journey (#3.2)" (2003)
Elliot: Oh, so you've never dreamed about your wedding day?
Priest: [in J.D.'s daydream] Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?
Maureen McCormick: My name is Maureen McCormick.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Marcia, please.


"Scrubs: My Advice to You (#3.6)" (2003)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Danni, we need to move on, okay? No more thinking about our exes; no more waiting for the phone to ring; no more stealing her purse just so you can return it later in the hopes that she'll be so grateful, she'll use the money recovered to buy you a drink and *maybe* have sex with you after.
Danni Sullivan: Did that work?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I stole the wrong purse... And, yes!


"Scrubs: Our Histories (#9.4)" (2009)
Dr. Cox: [J.D. and Turk are dancing in costumes. Dr. Cox stares interested. When they stop] Please tell me this is just an intermission, 'cause I don't want this show to ever end.
J.D.: Why are you here, Perry?
Dr. Cox: To laugh, to cry, to cry from laughing, but mostly to laugh at two desperate guys on an iceslide to an irralivant middle age.
J.D.: Well, not only have we been lettin' them know...
[turns to turk]
J.D.: Is that the right expression?
Turk: [mumbling to J.D] Yeah that's right, lettin' them know.
J.D.: [to dr. Cox again] we've been lettin' them know, by doing the cabbage patch, the running man and the capoera.
Turk: That's right, that's brazzilian dance fight! In your face.
Dr. Cox: [looking around] Where's the jackass?
[whissles for attention]
Dr. Cox: Jackass! Come!
Cole Aaronson: What up?
Dr. Cox: Now you are the host of this party and to some extend the voice of your generation and while I sadly acknowledge that heralds the coming apocalypse I do value your opinion on one thing in particular.
Cole Aaronson: Woaw... You're like shakespear, jo.
Dr. Cox: I am. I am like shakespear, jo. Now look around the room really quick and tell me the five lamest people that you see. Feel free to start with me.
Cole Aaronson: [points at dr. Cox] One: old.
[points at Ted]
Cole Aaronson: two: bald and shiney.
[points at Kelso]
Cole Aaronson: three: Superold.
[points at security guard]
Cole Aaronson: four: checked out my jug at the urinal. and...
[points at unknown guy]
Cole Aaronson: five: as weird junk, number four told me.
Turk: We didn't make the list.
J.D.: Nope, we didn't.
Turk: You've just been served.
J.D.: Yeah and you know what? We're going to rub it in your face a little bit by doing some brazilian fight dancing. Five, six, seven, eight
[start dancing and J.D. kicks Turk accidentically in the face and Turk falls down]
Dr. Cox: That was outstanding!
J.D.: [voice over] Sometimes reality takes the form of a kick to the head...
Cole Aaronson: SOrry bros. You've just been brougt to the numbers one and two of my lame-list.
J.D.: Why I think Turk should be numer one cause he appears to be bleeding.
[while Dr. Cox makes a photo of Turk lying there you hear J.D. his voice]
J.D.: ... Other times it gets right up in your grill.


"Scrubs: My Words of Wisdom (#6.16)" (2007)
J.D.: Oh, you're deaf.
[to the kid]
J.D.: Will you help me communicate with your dad? Oh, you're deaf too. What are the odds...I'm a doctor, I should probably know that.


"Scrubs: My Porcelain God (#3.13)" (2004)
Dr. Kevin Casey: Do you plunder?
J.D.: I have been known to plunder...


"Scrubs: My Jerks (#8.1)" (2009)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Come on, I know it's tempting to just mail it in, but there's still a lot of people who rely on us week to week. I think we owe it to them to be as inspired as we were our first few years. Now I know we never do great come medical awards season, except for Dr. Shalhoub, he wins everything, but I still think we're as good as anybody else out there


"Scrubs: My Life in Four Cameras (#4.17)" (2005)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What the hell are we supposed to do?
Dr. Cox: Loretta... relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV-induced panic there is: poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, monkey pox, Pop Rocks, toilet snakes, mad cow, bird flu, swine flu and, quite frankly, every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicate with the animal it's named for. And, as a parting gift, I will tell you this: narrow it down to two symptoms, vomiting and diarrhea, because it's just not E. coli unless it's firing out both exits.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Sure hope I don't have dog flu...


"Scrubs: My Moment of Un-Truth (#3.17)" (2004)
Turk: So I am supposed to marry someone who's gonna bust my chops everytime I look at a woman for the rest of my life?
J.D.: Well, I wouldn't put it that way in your vows.


"Scrubs: My Absence (#8.9)" (2009)
Dr. Perry Cox: ...And that, Dorian, is what I think of you as a person.
[Hands Elliot back her cell phone]
Dr. Elliot Reid: That sounded harsh. Are you okay?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [On speakerphone, crying] No!


"Scrubs: My Bad (#1.6)" (2001)
Dr. Perry Cox: [about his ex-wife] She was never boring.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What happened?
Dr. Perry Cox: Eh, you marry someone just like your mother... And then remember you hate your mother.


"Scrubs: My Drive By (#4.24)" (2005)
Dr. Perry Cox: [whistles] All right, everybody... gather round here, circle it up, will ya? Bring it in nice and tight. Look... I know I'm pretty quick to point out other people's mistakes, but... I have a son, now, and I also realize that it's important to recognize when someone does something right. Mr Blake, down in bed 3, came in here with what seemed like a basic heart block, but someone took the time to find out that recently he'd been camping and correctly diagnosed him with Lyme carditis. Now, I'm sure some of you are gonna think this is a silly exercise, but I'd like that someone to step forward and stick your hand up to the air so that the group can recognize your great good work. This... this is no time to be modest. Come now.
[turns around and raises his own hand]
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, my God! It was me! I did it, I'm a genius. I'm a huge brain in a ripped-up body. I am Jesus H. Cox, M.D. Still, I probably couldn't have done it by myself so I'd like to go ahead and recognize some of the other players who were involved. There was the intern who originally misdiagnosed the patient...
Lonnie: [raises his hand] That's me, daddy.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Put your hand down, Lonnie.
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and then there was the resident who confirmed that misdiagnosis...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: In my defense I was up late watching a "Designing Women" marathon.
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and last but not least, there was the surgeon who wanted to crack open Mr Blake's chest like a walnut and put in a pacemaker that he didn't ever need. Now, he's too modest to introduce himself to the group, so I'll do the honors. He is so black, so bald, and he can't eat cupcakes because he's got diabetes; ladies and gentlemen, Chris Turk!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Can you just get out of here so we can get back to work?
Dr. Perry Cox: Not until people start chanting my name, so that I can exit the room with my hands held high above my head in a victorious gesture. Because, you see, this diagnosing machine, this fabulous thing, well, it runs on props, so I'm going to need to hear it. Come now.
[everybody starts and chants Cox's name]
Dr. Perry Cox: Me... me... me... oh, so me!


"Scrubs: My Bed Banter & Beyond (#1.15)" (2002)
Dr. Perry Cox: [whistles]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Good morning, Dr Cox!
Dr. Perry Cox: We are short-staffed today because Kelso has volunteered all of you scat monkeys for some psychologist's research project, give me a break, which means of course you won't be helping patients; instead... oh, you'll be blabbering about your feelings and what is like working in the hospital and how that affects your personal lives and wah, wah, wah!
[Kelso approaches]
Dr. Perry Cox: And there he is now, oh, big Bob-o himself. Ok;
[whistles]
Dr. Perry Cox: all nurses and interns let's gather around and dance for the puppet master.
[starts to dance like a puppet]
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh yes, dance!
Dr. Bob Kelso: It's not just the nurses and interns...
Dr. Perry Cox: [freezed in the dance] Don't be that guy, Bob...


"Scrubs: My Deja Vu, My Deja Vu (#5.22)" (2006)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Elliot, do you ever get déjà vu around here?
Dr. Cox: Ah, Barbie, there you are! Thank God!
Dr. Elliot Reid: Unfortunately, yes...
Dr. Cox: As you know, I can't make a decision without your help, so here goes: on Oprah there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's eating disorder, but on E! there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's fabulous new Tribeca loft. Don't get me wrong, I want to watch something about Lindsay Lohan; I'm just a little lost, here.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: FYI, that loft is Lohan-tastic... it's vintage Lindsay.
Dr. Cox: Ah...
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox, when you walked away from Mrs Goldstein, anyone could've thought you were in trouble.
Dr. Cox: I had to go to the bathroom, Barbie...
[whistles]
Dr. Cox: People, from now on, if anyone needs to take a leak, please notify Dr Reid; it is a pet peeve of hers.


"Scrubs: My Best Moment (#4.12)" (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: Newbie, you never promise a patient that they're gonna be fine.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Mr Milligan? His blood pressure's little low, he just has mono.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, for God's sakes, Newbie... take a look around, would you? Please... what's the difference between your Mr Milligan and every other patient in this ICU? And if the answer to that question is that he's the only one young enough to have never made a phone call like this: "Briing! Hallo? Operetah? Gimme Stuyvesant hohive-hohive-hohive", then you would be right. But since I'm not in the mood to make some big, dramatic, sweeping statement, I'll just tell you this: God hates doctors, He truly does. You see all these old people in here? Well, any of them'd give just about anything to be able to sashay off this planet, but most are gonna stay and live forever and ever and ever; and your Mr Milligan... well, it turns out he's just young enough to die. I mean, think about it... it's the holidays; there's a sweet little kid involved... can't you just feel it?


"Scrubs: My Best Friend's Wedding (#3.22)" (2004)
J.D.: See, Turk and I made a pact. The day that one of us got married we'd play a last round of tennis-golf in the parking lot as single best friends. Oh, yeah, and the guy getting married has to caddy for the other guy naked


"Scrubs: My Scrubs (#6.13)" (2007)
Dr. Cox: [speaking to Elliot] Nothing ever changes. The Artist Formerly Known As Prince is still just Prince. My ex-wife is still pretty much my wife. Grey's Anatomy always wraps up every episode with some cheesy voice over that ties together all of the story lines; which incidentally is my least favorite device on television. Newbie continually will try to violate my "No Touching" policy
[looks around for J.D]
Dr. Cox: ... Uh huh! And republicans will forever try to raise...
J.D.: [comes out of no where & hugs Dr.Cox] Sneak hug!
[runs off]
Dr. Cox: ...Of course I would go kill him right now, but he actually just helped to prove my point!


"Scrubs: My Drug Buddy (#1.14)" (2002)
Dr. Elliot Reid: Never did sleep with her, did you?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No. But why does that matter?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Because I was jealous.


"Scrubs: My First Step (#2.7)" (2002)
Elliot: I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should send her to surgery.
J.D.: No, don't send her to surgery. I'll tell you what to do. You wait and see. And I know I'm right 'cause I'm a wait-and-see kinda guy. You know Elliot in modern medicine we're faced with tough decisions almost everyday...
Elliot: You're amazing.
J.D.: Well, amazing's sort of a strong word, I just show up and let the lord work through me.
Elliot: You actually think you're a better doctor than me.


"Scrubs: My Ocardial Infarction (#4.13)" (2005)
Dr. Perry Cox: Say! That was some real Nancy Drew stuff, there... Nancy. I mean, absolutely irrelevant as far as medicine goes, but damn amusing.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift. Many are.
Dr. Perry Cox: Did you feel that you weren't quite annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you... you are annoying enough; in fact, you're the number one contender for the middleweight annoyance crown.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Well, you're the number one jealous... weight for the jealous... weight jealous c-champ...
Dr. Perry Cox: [in a excited commentator-like tone] He's done it! He's done it! Dorian's the most annoying man... in the world! Who would have ever thought a journeyman annoyer like Dorian...
[leaves while speaking]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You were a close second...


"Scrubs: My Fifteen Seconds (#3.7)" (2003)
Dr. Cox: Look, Tammy, as far as your love life goes, normally I couldn't care less who's laying your quivering body down by the fire while your lips whisper "No, no... no" but your eyes scream, "Yes. Yes. Oh, big daddy, yes!" But when you're dating Jordan's sissy-poo, it forces me to spend time with you outside of the hospital, and I just won't have that. So, shhhere's the deal: Don't want to have dinner with you. Don't want to go bowling with you. And I never, ever again want to walk into my kitchen and hear you say,
[singing]
Dr. Cox: "Ohh, it's waffle time! It's waffle time! Won't you have some waffles of mine?"
J.D.: [joining in] "... waffles of mine..."
Dr. Cox: Bottom line. We'll be bestest friends foreverest if you just keep your face out of my face. Uh-huh.


"Scrubs: My Sex Buddy (#2.11)" (2003)
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating, walking on a hallway with Turk, approaching Elliot] OK, just give her a casual nod. You don't wan't turk to know what's going on.
Turk: [they walk past Elliot uneventfully] Dude, you're totally hitting that!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: How do you do that?
Turk: It's a gift. Now you remember what happened last time you two got together, right?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh relax, man. We're just having some fun.
Turk: What, you guys are sex buddies or something?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [J.D. imagines a fanfare] Fo'shizzle.


"Scrubs: My Student (#1.17)" (2002)
J.D.: [narration] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the only thing to do is to think of someone that I look up to and remember how they first got through to me.
[Dr. Cox coming around the corner, approaches J.D]
Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it. I'll tackle that one right upstairs
[points to his head]
Dr. Cox: . In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work. And right about now, even though you don't have your basket, oh it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley.
[J.D. walks away slowly]
Dr. Cox: Skip away, skip away, skip away
[J.D. skips a little]
Dr. Cox: , skip, skip, skip to my lou, whoo hoo!


"Scrubs: My Big Move (#4.22)" (2005)
Dr. Christopher Turk: You kissed my wife!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [J.D.'s narration] I miss the silence.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Did you like it?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Well that's kind of a trick question, Turk. I mean if I say yes, it's like I'm saying: damn dude, your wife is hot & I'd like to get me some of that. But if I say no then I'm all like: yo, I know she's your wife but you can keep that fish-lipped bitty.