Quotes for
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian (Character)
from "Scrubs" (2001)

"Scrubs: My New God (#5.5)" (2006)

J.D.: When is this joyous occasion?
Dr. Cox: You're not invited.
J.D.: Oh I see, family only everyone. That's how they're doing it.
Carla: I'm going.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, give me a break of course you're going! For the matter of fact, I'd like you to be the boy's godfather.
J.D.: [whispering] I... am... honored!
Dr. Cox: [whispering] I... am lying.

J.D.: Hi I'm JD! I'm sure Perry has spoken of me
Paige: No
J.D.: Nothing about taking a taunted go getter under his wig or being surrogate father to a boy who lost his one? Nothing about that at all? I'm surprised. It's interesting for me, but okay!
[thinking]
J.D.: Don't cry in front of people
Paige: Perry and I don't talk much
J.D.: Ohhh they don't talk much everybody! There's not much talking in the family.
Dr. Cox: Rest assured, Newbie. Even if we did talk from morning till night about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me. The big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer and the resurgence of the hard-shelled taco; the small...
Paige: [copying Cox] The small being my ex-wife Jordan, wind energy and a-ha-hall fruit-infused liquors... your name still would not have come up.

Paige: You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid? Every night we'd play horse in the driveway and I'd always kick his ass.
J.D.: Can Christians say ass now? I have a friend, Pat Casey, he called his mum an ass once. She hit him in the face with an iron. He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore.
Paige: Okay, I need to go say hi to Jordan.
[she walks off. Cox arrives as soon as Paige is gone]
J.D.: She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a born again Christian sister?
Dr. Cox: I don't know. Maybe the TV was broken one day and she picked up the bible and found it to be just a darn good read. Or, maybe it had something to do with out mothers ability to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think Newbie?
J.D.: Probably the room to room thing.

J.D.: He's just mad because I didn't help him move.
Jordan: Well you should have done it! Helping someone move is like oral sex, you do it once and they owe you for life.

J.D.: Dr. Cox! If it makes you feel any better, at the baptism I'll be there to keep Paige company.
Dr. Cox: Yeah. You're not going.
J.D.: Dammit! Stupid baptism.

Elliot: Uh, what's with the second beeper?
Turk: Carla gave it to me. She's got me on 24-hour baby-making alert. Man, we haven't had sex since her last ovulation. Did you know that women only do that once a month?
J.D.: Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor.
[thinking]
J.D.: Once a month? That's crazy!
Elliot: I don't know why I even bother ovulating. Little Hailey doesn't have a chance this month. I name my eggs - big frick. Last month it was Cassy
J.D.: Oh Cassy's pretty!
Elliot: Oh, she would have been, J.D. She would have been.

Turk: Aw, dammit, I gotta go have ovulation sex again.
J.D.: Are you actually complaining about getting to have sex? Because that is so insensitive, Turk!
Turk: J.D.!
J.D.: Let me feel my feelings, Turk! We worked on this!
[J.D. storms off]
Turk: I've really gotta stop doing that!
Elliot: You can talk to me if you want?
Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex.I don't understand any of that crazy gibberish you use. Penis is schwing-something...
Elliot: Schwing-schwong, peepers, or peep.
Turk: Right. And vagina is...?
Elliot: Disgusting! But also bajingo or hoo-hoo.

J.D.: Morning, sunshine!
Dr. Cox: Never say that again.
J.D.: Noted. That was quite a fight you had with your sister yesterday. Won't it be a little awkward when you show up at St. Mary's Cathedral on the corner of Maple and Pine, right across from Temple Oheb Shalom, at 4 P.M. today?
Dr. Cox: That's not where the baptism is, but nice try.
J.D.: Mark my words... when that little bastard's dipped in water, I will be there.
Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by. Mr. Donnelly's labs came back and it looks like the steroid is finally working. If you happen to be keeping score at home, that would be Medicine, One -God, Zero.
J.D.: Ah, you don't have to rub it in her face.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, and I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope down my pants every morning, but I still do. Now isn't there some other relationship you could be out there trying to fix?

J.D.: Morning, Sunshine.
Janitor: I don't like that.
J.D.: Nobody seems to.

J.D.: You can rub mine's belly if I can rub yours'.
Dr. Cox: Don't you touch my son

Dr. Cox: There will be no whining or crying while we sit here, understood?
J.D.: [Stroking Jack's hair] He seems fine.
Dr. Cox: I wasn't talking to him.
J.D.: I don't whine or cry.
Janitor: Really? Then how do you explain these photos of you whining and crying as you run away from the Kwans' apartment?
J.D.: These are coasters.
Janitor: My camera's broken.

Dr. Cox: You know what, there, Newbie? You can go to the baptism. Now take Jack; Jordan'll kill me if he's not there. Plus, I know you - you're exactly one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.
J.D.: No, thank you. If there's one thing I learned from this guy
[gestures at the Janitor]
J.D.: , it's I need to stop trying to fix people's relationships.
Janitor: You're welcome
J.D.: Still, I've never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs. In fact, you're pretty tolerant of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman
Dr. Cox: Meh
J.D.: I just don't understand why your sister being religious bothers you so much
Dr. Cox: It doesn't
J.D.: Then why are you so angry?

J.D.: [narrating] Sometimes I think it takes a child to make you see the light.

J.D.: [narrating] In the end, you just have to be willing to take the first step.

J.D.: And I know that if I make a gesture of friendship toward a coworker... I'll end up robbing an Asian couple's house.

J.D.: [J.D. has just agreed to help the Janitor move house] I'll do it!
Janitor: I knew you would. You're very predictable.
[both at the same time - J.D. trying to prove the Janitor wrong]
J.D., Janitor: No I'm not. Stop doing that! Peanut-butter-egg-dirt!

---

"Scrubs: My Unicorn (#4.11)" (2004)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: OK, the song goes like this: "You were wrong, I was right... I found his son, I found his son, I found his son!" And then you jump out and yell, "That's me!"
Murray Marks: Yeah, but wouldn't it be funnier if I jumped out on the second "I found your son", you know, just to get it out there?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yeah, but then who's gonna be singing the song? 'Cause it sure won't be me!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: It's not a unicorn, it's a horse with a sword on its head that protects my hopes and dreams.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anyway, know Mr. Marks? He said he doesn't have any family to be a kidney donor? But he's got a son! We gotta find this guy!
Dr. Perry Cox: Look, Newbie, there are times a man wants to keep something to himself. Say he's got a son or he's 29 years old and keeps a journal with a unicorn drawn on the cover.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's a horse with a sword on his head and he's there to guard my hopes and dreams.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Life in a hospital is never boring.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: What the hell are you guys doing?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Practicing our slow motion run.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Makes everything seem more dramatic.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're doctors. Doctors.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Go get her, Turk!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Waaaaaaiiiiit!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, he's slow.

Murray Marks: He's not my dad, he's my fake dad. Which means what my fake cousin Samantha and I almost did in the 10th grade would have been beautiful and right.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Been there with my gram-gram.

Gregory Marks: Hey, I bought you a journal.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh my God, a journal!
Gregory Marks: Well, you seem like the kind of sensitive young buck that likes to chronicle his feelings.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I can't wait to chronicle this one.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Sometimes Dr. Cox is all over me like every second of my life.
Murray Marks: Why do you keep talking about your boss like he's your father.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Remember? Recently deceased dad?
Murray Marks: Massive heart attack!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yes! I mean, yes.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Look, Murray, it doesn't matter that your father's handsome and charismatic, and sings like a young Joan Baez.

Murray Marks: Whenever I'm around the guy, I'm invisible.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, come on, you're exaggerating.
Gregory Marks: Heeey, good lookin', whaaa'cha got cookin'? How's about cooking something up with me!
Murray Marks: See what I mean?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Shhh! I love this song.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You will never guess what I found on the computer?
Dr. Perry Cox: Is it a set of adult male shoulders?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: They had to trim them to get me out of the well.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, right.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I gotta tell you, Mr. Marks. Even though I know you'd never take it, I'd give you one of my kidneys in a second.
Gregory Marks: Oh, no, I would definitely take it! I would take it with my bare hands.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Awesome. Well, let me check your chart and s-see if we're a match.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Please don't be a match! Please don't be a match! Blood type O! Not a match! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm so sorry.

Mickey: I'm an airplane! Board me.
Murray Marks: He's a little off.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: He smells like fuel.
Murray Marks: He's an airplane.

Dr. Perry Cox: Who gave you this number?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm asking for your help here.
Dr. Perry Cox: Okay, but I think it's very important to focus on the "who gave you this number" issue.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Fine. Maybe I got too involved like you said, but would it kill you for once to acknowledge for that my heart was in the right place instead of spending all your time berating me.
Dr. Perry Cox: You got this number from Jordan, didn't you? She hates me.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What's your problem with your dad?
Murray Marks: Well, for starters, he named my Murray. That's an old man's name.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, come on. No, it isn't.
Murray Marks: [looks down a hallway, and shouts] Murray!
Old "Murray"s: [several old men poke their heads out of their rooms] What?
Murray Marks: Everything my father's ever done was designed to humiliate me.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Murray.
Old "Murray"s: [several old men poke their heads out of their rooms] What?
Murray Marks: What?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, the youngest Murray.
[all but one old Murray retreat]
Old Murray: I'm 68!
Murray Marks: 34!
Old Murray: Dang it!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [voice over] If Murray could look past his dad's imperfections and appreciate all the time he'd given him, maybe I owe Dr. Cox a thank you for the same thing.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [aloud, to Dr. Cox] Hey, I just want to take a second to thank you for constantly berating me, doubting my abilities, and the overall devastation of my self-esteem.
Dr. Perry Cox: My pleasure.

---

"Scrubs: My Way Home (#5.7)" (2006)

J.D.: And when we die, where do meet in Heaven?
Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud!
J.D.: I'll see you 'dere, bro! I love religion.

J.D.: Just try and imagine what they're going through. I mean, sometimes I think about what it's gonna be like when you die.
Turk: Because you think I'm going first due to my diabetes.
J.D.: Right. And where do we meet up in Heaven?
Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud!
J.D.: I'll see you there, playah! I love religion. The point is, Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you without being totally honest with me, you know where they'd end up?
Turk: In Hell, watching 'The View'!
J.D.: Next to the super high, unreachable cupcake table.

J.D.: Right, And where do we meet up in heaven
Turk: by the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud

Dr. Cox: Your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you five days may seem like an eternity as it's roughly five times as long as any of your pasty relationships have lasted. But trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.
Elliot: Oh really? Because you never went to assface school, but you seem to be an expert at that. Am I right?
J.D.: [didn't hear conversation, but high-fives Elliot] Here's some!
Dr. Cox: You're going to high five THAT? Bi-hig mistake.
J.D.: I didn't know what I was high-fiving. I gotta stop doing that.
Elliot: Did you eat my mango body butter?
J.D.: No.
[thinking]
J.D.: I smeared it on a bagel.

J.D.: Living with Elliot was certainly different. Every inch of her apartment was filled with girly stuff. There were lavender-scented candles, pink robes, bath salts... It was awesome!

The Janitor: Kelso's starting new line painting to help people get around. Green's gonna go to the smokers's lounge, blue is for the I.C.U., yellow to all the exits.
J.D.: What's red for?
The Janitor: Sneaker painting.
[he sprays J.D.'s white sneakers red]

J.D.: [to Keith] Why would you page me?
Dr. Cox: Because I told him to, and I know what you're thinking Dorothy, why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh darn trivial. But the real question ought to be: why when YOU were an intern did you call me in time, after time, after time, after time.

J.D.: A hospital can sometimes feel like a magical place, where people's hopes and dreams are often far from ordinary. Whether they're looking for brains, a heart, or courage. As for me, I was just gonna keep on following that yellow line and hope I'd eventually get back home.

J.D.: And where do we meet up in heaven?
Turk: By the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud!
J.D.: I'll see you there, playa! I love religion.

Turk: Now how do I tell these people they should let their son go?
J.D.: Just try and imagine what they're going through. I mean, sometimes I think about what it's gonna be like when you die.
Turk: Because you think I'm going first due to my Diabetes.
J.D.: Right. And where do we meet up in heaven?
Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud!
J.D.: I'll see you there playa! I love religion. The point is Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you without being totally honest with me, you know where they'd end up?
Turk: In hell watching 'The View'!
J.D.: Next to the Super High Unreachable Cupcake Table.

J.D.: [walks into hospital soaking wet] You're not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital, are you? I think I saw a manatee.
The Janitor: Was his name Julian?
J.D.: We didn't exchange pleasantries.
The Janitor: That's Julian.

[hitting JD after speaking while in a body bag thinking he's a dead person]
J.D.: Doug, why are you hitting me?
Doug Murphy: Cause I thought you were a dead person coming back to life.
J.D.: Then why were you hitting me?
Doug Murphy: Dead people should be dead!

---

"Scrubs: My Jiggly Ball (#5.4)" (2006)

J.D.: ...it has been on the news for months.
Janitor: Sorry rich boy. My TV doesn't get the news. Just the bible channel and some kind of Chinese boxing.

Keith: Nailed it!
J.D.: Good job man! What did you say?
Keith: Well, I just told him there's nothing more we can do right now.
Turk and J.D.: Ohhhhh!
Keith: What?
J.D.: "Nothing more we can do right now" implies there may be something we can do tomorrow.
Keith: Well, I also said we'd make him as comfortable as possible.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Sounds like someone's getting new pillows and a comforter.
Keith: That man knows he's doomed!
[the patient happily waves at them]
J.D.: Yeeeah, I'm gonna need you to go back in there and use some from of the words die, dead, dying, deadsies, deadwood. Your choice.
Keith: What was the middle one?
J.D.: Deadsies.

Dr. Perry Cox: Look, if you get up there and start kissing Kelso's ass, all your fellow attendings will forever think of you as a brown-nosing toady. On the other hand, if you don't pucker up, Kelso will make your life a living hell. You're officially trapped.
J.D.: I'll just say something nice about him that's actually true.
Dr. Perry Cox: You go do that. And I'll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally, and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible. Mm'kay?

Dr. Christopher Turk: Mr. Keck! What do you say we get you into surgery and take care of that hernia!
Mr. Keck: Ummm, I don't know if surgery is necessary. Last night I was in pain, so I went to a free clinic. The doctor there said surgery wasn't my only option.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Well, you're just gonna have to get him on the phone and tell him that I won't be second-opinioned by a clinic doctor who couldn't carry my jockstrap!
[Holds his hand up to J.D]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Gimme some!
J.D.: [High-fives him] Here it is.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [in Free Clinic, on the phone with Mr Keck] Yeah, I think I know this guy. Is he a cocky black doctor with a white doctor following him around and looking at him like he's in love?
J.D.: [in in Mr Kecks room]
[to Turk]
J.D.: You would make a pretty girl.
Mr. Keck: [Into phone] Yeah.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [back in Free Clinic] All right, now repeat after me...
Mr. Keck: [to Turk] "You can't decide for me, that's not your duty."
Dr. Elliot Reid: And are they both trying not to laugh at the word "duty"?
Mr. Keck: [J.D. and Turk try to hold their giggles back]
[Into phone]
Mr. Keck: Yeah. Hey, Heckle and Jeckle, you know what? No surgery.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Grabbing the phone] Who the hell is this?
Free Clinic Patient: [into Phone] Where are my shoelaces?
Dr. Elliot Reid: I said to tell him that he had a laxity in the peritoneal wall and that surgery was unnecessarily invasive! Was that so hard?

Dr. Christopher Turk: Elliot, nobody respects clinic doctors.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really, Turk? I think your hernia patient does.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Laughing] I'm not upset about that!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's obvious you are.
J.D.: It's more obvious to me, baby - I mean Turk.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, I know this place isn't the greatest, but it's not like I lie awake thinking about being yelled at by Dr. Cox or playing Jiggly Ball with the orderlies.

J.D.: Can you believe Elliot's working in a free clinic?
Dr. Perry Cox: Who?
J.D.: Dr. Reid?
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm sorry, that's just not ringing a bell.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: She and J.D. used to sleep together.
Dr. Perry Cox: J.D.?
J.D.: That's not even funny!
Dr. Perry Cox: Priscilla, I honestly, on my mother's grave, thought your real name was Carol.

J.D.: [narrating] I don't know why we were running. Because I think we both knew that we couldn't change anything. Because given a choice between a rich guy and a poor guy, it was pretty obvious who Bob Kelso would put in the drug trial... and who he'd leave behind. Another banner day at Sacred Heart. A best friend stuck in a crappy job... A nice guy slowly dying without a fighting chance. It's a wonder how anyone can walk out of this place with a smile on their face.

Nurse Carla Espinosa: Guys, listen, we really need to help Elliot.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, she said she doesn't want to be helped.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: If J.D. were drowning and he told you he didn't want you to save him, wouldn't you do it?
Dr. Christopher Turk: That depends. What if there're hot chicks at the pool? Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Let's say there's no women.
Dr. Christopher Turk: There's always women at the pool, baby!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Fine. He's in a pond.
J.D.: Oh, I would never swim in a pond! They're infamous for serpents!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You could swim at the Y on Tuesdays - men only
J.D.: Have you been to the Y on man night? Not me.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: N - oka - fine! Turk's the one who's drowning!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh! So now a brother can't swim!
J.D.: Why do you have to go there?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh my God! I would rather play Jiggly Ball than try to explain this to you two idiots.
J.D.: [thinking] She's the idiot! We're doctors.

J.D.: Guys, why?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: The Janitor told us that if we pretended to know about Jiggly Ball, we get to throw tennis balls at you.

J.D.: There is no such thing as Jiggly Ball, is there?
Janitor: No

J.D.: Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Bob Kelso is a...
Dr. Bob Kelso: [Rises and takes the mic] Thank you, Dr. Dorian!
[the audience claps]
Dr. Bob Kelso: Thank you so much for this award. Delighted to see you all...
Dr. Perry Cox: Did I say he wanted a long introduction? Because Kelso just, he just likes when people say his name. Hope you didn't obsess too much about that, Newbie.

J.D.: As far as Bob Kelso goes, I know sometimes even the good things he does are for the wrong reasons. Still, I also know that I wouldn't want to have to make any of the decisions that he makes.

---

"Scrubs: My Quarantine (#4.16)" (2005)

Carla: You know, on a first date, I could see what a guy was wearing and know exactly how far he was gonna get that night.
Elliot: Oh, me, too. And THAT guy's gettin' boobies!
[J.D. removes jacket, revealing his button up shirt to be short sleeved]
Elliot: Whooooa! THAT guy's gettin' a hug at the door!
[J.D. removes button up to reveal an Electric Boogie belly shirt]
Elliot: And THAT guy is getting a fake name and a phone number with six digits!
J.D.: I know how ridiculous this looks.
Carla: I don't think you do!

J.D.: So far, the highlight of the night has been putting the opossum to sleep, and that's *not* a euphemism.

J.D.: Danni, I'd love to stay and talk, but I'm giving Kylie here a tour of the ICU.
Homeless Steve: Hey, hey, hey - you were gonna take me back to the underpass.
J.D.: After the tour! What is it with you and the underpass?

J.D.: It's so great because the residents are practically our slaves.
J.D.: [thought] Ah! I just said "slave" to my new, black girlfriend!
Kylie: Unfreeze, J.D.; it's over.

Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: [reading the chart] Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise... Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Patient: Yeah.
J.D.: [thought] And then I said something stupid...
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [thought] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lock-down.
Dr. Perry Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni Sullivan: [offering a flask] Quaran-tinies, anyone?

Dr. Bob Kelso: Mr. Donaldson hasn't been to Hong Kong in twenty years, so I'd bet my one remaining testicle no one has SARS. Unfortunately, by hospital policy, we have to stay locked down until the labs come back and that's going to take several hours. So, let's hang in there and not forget this is all Dr. Dorian's fault.
[everyone glares at J.D., who makes introductions]
J.D.: Kylie, angry mob; angry mob, Kylie.

J.D.: So be honest: Is this the worst first date you've ever been on or what?
Kylie: I don't know. I think it's kind of exciting: being in a hospital, getting to see you in action. I just wish I could be your assistant.
J.D.: Say no more. Lonnie! Shirt!
Lonnie: No!
J.D.: Don't make me say "pants" - I'll do it.
[Lonnie removes his scrub shirt and gives it to Kylie]
J.D.: Still tanning, I see.
Kylie: He's your bitch, isn't he?

Elliot: So, how's it going with Kylie?
[J.D. motions toward Kylie, who's asleep in a chair]
J.D.: This sucks! I need to look like a stud and a doctor can't look like a stud unless he's saving somebody's life. I need someone to have a heart attack!
[Homeless Steve appears]
Homeless Steve: Got twenty bucks?

J.D.: I could hear the pain in my best friend's voice and I could feel how little I cared, because by the way Kylie was looking at me, I knew she thought I was sexy.

[standing at a patient bed over the homeless patient who threatened to expose the fake-heart-attack ruse]
Elliot: Wow - he is *really* out.
J.D.: A mild sedative "fell" into his juice box.

J.D.: JD: 1, Lord: 0.

---

"Scrubs: My Day at the Races (#5.3)" (2006)

Carla: JD, you have to get out, this place is tiny. And I'm sick of seing your manpanties hanging all over the bathroom.
J.D.: They're called boxers, Carla.

Carla: Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us, so get your crap up by Friday.
J.D.: Friday?
Carla: Friday!
J.D.: Friday's my birthday. I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.
Carla: Whose place?
J.D.: Your place. Look, I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I already got 2 e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.
Carla: Babmi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.

J.D.: That's it! I'll do the triathlon!
Carla: Oh, you don't know anything about triathlons!
J.D.: Well, I didn't know anything about cereal inventing, either, Carla. And yet if it wasn't for a certain harshly-worded cease and desist letter, we'd all be eating J.D.'s Bananas & Nuts.
Carla: You're not serious about this, are you?

Elliot: How's it goin'?
J.D.: Well, my bike is rusty, I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they first touched water, and the only thing I've had to eat all day is a half a jellyfish. Why are you here?
Elliot: Can I talk to you about Jake?
J.D.: It's a dangerous topic. Talk to Carla.
Elliot: Yeah, anytime I talk to Carla about a guy, she tells me to marry him so the four of us can go to dinner together.

Elliot: This Jake thing is still really bothering me.
J.D.: Elliot, you know our rules.
Elliot: Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Who wants to have a superficial friendship? I mean, God, do you remember how close we used to be? Dealing with Dr. Cox, dealing with our screwed-up families, talking about everything? I miss that.
J.D.: This is working.
Elliot: Not for me! I wanna be able to tell you that my boyfriend really freaked me out.
J.D.: Well, if he freaked you out, why don't you go talk to him?

J.D.: All right, fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You're just like me. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life. But instead of running a triathlon, you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with. And you know as well as I do, one of these days he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that; and you wanna know why? It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?
Elliot: You're pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes.

J.D.: They say that, in life, all good things must come to an end.

J.D.: Elliot, I'm thirty years old; I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.
Elliot: Why don't you just move into my place?
J.D.: Oh, great, then we'll be two losers under one roof.

J.D.: As for me, I could overcome any obstacle, as long as I had Elliot and her ridiculously strong thighs beneath me.

J.D.: I've done nothing - I mean I did learn another language but it was just that one where you just put a b-sound in the middle of every single word... and I was never fluent.
Turk: That secret language was so lame!
J.D.: Nobba with the ladie-bb-ys!

---

"Scrubs: My Office (#4.2)" (2004)

[after Dr. Cox announced that J.D. and Elliot are both gonna be chief resident]
J.D.: Uh... What now?
Dr. Cox: Well, I figure with her being ridiculously booksmart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills and you being warm and cuddly as an unpotty-trained labradoodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an unpotty-trained labradoodle, together the two of you would make one barely passable doctor... slash labradoodle...

J.D.: Hey, when Elliot asked you if she could run for chief resident and you said "why not," that was just a goof, right?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Cox. Ran all those tests on Mr. Landisman.
Dr. Cox: Top-notch work, there, Barbie! She's good! She's very, very, very good! Now, sorry, where were we?
J.D.: I am a medical professional, and you are not gonna get me to compete with Elliot.
Dr. Cox: Well, Jo-Jo, right now she's winning.
J.D.: Let me know how to get back on top. I'll do anything, even if it means I have to kill somebody!
Dr. Cox: Well, you could start by getting the lightbulb out of this genius's pooper. Impress me.
J.D.: Oh, I'll impress you!

J.D.: No, no. I totally understand. Come on, you did what you had to do. You went with your gut; Elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions, though: Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love? Who's gonna tell my mom? And what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards?

Dr. Elliot Reid: Yes, I'm happy! But I'd be happier if I didn't have to share the job with such a jerk!
J.D.: Elliot. I can hear you.
Dr. Molly Clock: You guys, the situation would be perfect for my study.
J.D.: Oh, no.
J.D.: Don't worry, Johnny. Everyone's gonna be anonymous, I'm only using initials. You'll be "J.D."

Dr. Elliot Reid: Don't worry, I just came to check on my patients.
J.D.: Do whatever you want, just don't come over to my area.
Dr. Elliot Reid: You couldn't pay me to come over to your area.
J.D.: Well, I wouldn't pay you.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Well, you don't have enough money.
J.D.: It just so happens I have a rich uncle who'd do anything for me, but I'd never call in that favor just to pay you to come over to my area!

J.D.: The best thing about this place is that when someone's really in trouble, all the pettiness melts away

J.D.: Can you imagine us trying to do that three years ago?
Dr. Elliot Reid: [laughing] I know. Remember our first code?
J.D.: Well, I remember hiding in a supply closet.
Dr. Elliot Reid: That's the one
J.D.: [narrating] Ultimately, conflict is resolved by remembering why you were friends in the first place.

J.D.: I miss this. This, like, hanging out, you know?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Me too.
J.D.: We should go get coffee.
Dr. Elliot Reid: We're having coffee.
J.D.: No, no, I mean like, like outside coffee - real world coffee.The point is, we should... hang out outside the hospital sometime.
Dr. Elliot Reid: J.D., I still need time. I know that's gonna be hard for you because you like to fix everything right way, but... you just do the best you can, okay?
J.D.: Is it fixed now?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Nope.

J.D.: In the end, though, it doesn't really matter how you get there. As long as you're friends again.

J.D.: [after Elliott removes a sign with her fingers that he couldn't with a crowbar] She has fingers like biceps.

---

"Scrubs: My Malpractical Decision (#4.9)" (2004)

Dr. Bob Kelso: Shore it up, people. Neena Broderick's in the building.
Ted Buckland: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: As tactless as it was to yell that in a room of very sick people, Ted had a point.

Dr. Christopher Turk: J.D., big news! Guess what my new cell phone number spells?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why'd you get a new cell phone number. Your old number spelled kufunninapuh.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, well this one's 916-Call-Turk. Yeah, so now all you gotta do is call Turk!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: How am I supposed to remember that? I'm begging you, stick with kufunninapuh.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Come on, man, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me besides getting married.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: She's not here.
Dr. Christopher Turk: It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: For your information there's a certain foxy nurse that requested my services at her apartment just last weekend.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Hold on, I'm almost there.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Okay! Your new bed's all in! What now?
Foxy Nurse: You leave.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Still don't understand why he couldn't do it.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Okay, I'm confused. I thought you weren't interested in me.
Neena Broderick: Well, maybe I just said that to make it easier for you. Or maybe I said it because I knew you'd do what wanted you to do. I'm not sure.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You know, if you really wanna piss him off, we should follow him to his office and just have sex in front of him. Ahhhh, that would never work, I couldn't perform. It's a mentor thing.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why are you doing this?
Neena Broderick: I love my dad. I'd do anything. But if it makes you feel any better, I think you're really sweet.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: How am I supposed to believe that?
Neena Broderick: Well, you can't. I already lied to you once so the trust is broken, even though I'd never lie to you again.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Really?
Neena Broderick: Who knows.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What are you doing here?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Ah, hiding from Doug. He asked me a question I haven't answered yet. You?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I was trying to make a dramatic exit. I thought this was a patient's room.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Right.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: All right, even if I am a little desperate, Neena was not playing me.
Neena Broderick: I was playing you.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You're just saying that because he's here.
Neena Broderick: No, I manipulated you.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You're just saying that because he's here.
Neena Broderick: Okay, we seem to be a bit of a loop here, so I'm just gonna step over and talk to this one.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Listen, I know you hate everything about Miss Broderick, but her father is in need of medical care, and it's our medical obligation to treat him whether his daughter is a murderer, a drug addict, or a terrorist.
Dr. Perry Cox: I know, but a lawyer?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Even a lawyer.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: But CALL-TURK is eight numbers.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I know, actually it's just CALL-TUR, but I'm hoping people will dial the K anyway.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'll always dial the K for you.
Dr. Christopher Turk: You're a good friend.

---

"Scrubs: My Missed Perception (#5.6)" (2006)

Dr. Kelso: Last week I was in the mall hanging out at Brookstones when some kid asked me if I was lost.
J.D.: Brookstone. Looking for gadgets sir?
Dr. Kelso: If that's what you call trolling for mall ass, sure.

Mrs. Wilk: You are a strange young man, aren't you?
J.D.: I was a preemie.

Dr. Perry Cox: Hand over your stethoscope.
J.D.: What?
Dr. Perry Cox: In victory, I get your stethoscope. It's a trophy. You're lucky we're not back in olden times, I would have made a necklace out of your teeth.
J.D.: I find this highly unproffesional.
[J.D. gives Dr Cox his stethoscope]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now I'm going to check on Mr Jenkins, your war hero. I feel he too deserves a competent doctor. In fact, I'm gonna take all of your patients. And consequently your only reason to get out of that lasie over pillowed 4 poster virgin cocoon you call a bed every morning.

Dr. Elliot Reid: I should have just believed Mr Peele. I mean, it's not like somebody just poos their pants for no reason.
J.D.: Turk did that in college on a bet.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Carla didn't know that story, thank you.

J.D.: Sometimes when you're feeling guilty it's like a storm could over your head

J.D.: [about Mr. Jenkins] I know, he's homeless and smells like an obese man's twosie...
Mr. Jenkins: Hey!
J.D.: Sorry, thought you were napping.

Dr. Elliot Reid: Ohh, Roland's gonna be mad.
J.D.: Oh well. He's 6, what's he gonna do? Kick my ass?
[thinking]
J.D.: Again?

Mr. Bursick: Which people do I hate again?
J.D.: Immigrants, Mister Bursick. You hate all immigrants.
Mr. Bursick: And why do I hate...
J.D.: I don't have time, Mister Bursick. Guys, if I give you a patient I expect you to work your butt off for him. And P.S., Mr Jenkins is a Vietnam Vet, so let's take care of him like he took care of our nation. Get out of here! That's how you light a fire under their butt Perry, you let them go with some inspiration...
Dr. Perry Cox: Too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, to much talking, too much talking. Why did you order a BNP test on my patient Mrs Wilk last night?
J.D.: Because she's my patient.
Dr. Perry Cox: Interesting, since i admitted her.
J.D.: And I treated her last night.
Mr. Bursick: Dr Dorian, why do I hate all immigrants?
J.D.: Because they're stealing all of our jobs, Mr Bursick... stealing aaall of our jobs. Perry, we spend an equal lot of time of Mrs Wilk. Now seing that we're both attendings, why don't we let her decide who her doctor is?
Dr. Perry Cox: Ooor we could skip the day trip to unessesary land and instead simply conceed that Mrs Wilk is my patient. And while we are both attendings, we are in no way equals - we are in fact not equal. We are UN-equals.

J.D.: This morning you told me you had a great life.
Mrs. Wilk: Exactly, and I'd like to continue it.
J.D.: Oh, this is a misunderstanding. I'm so sorry.
[to Cox]
J.D.: Tell her it's a misunderstanding.
Dr. Perry Cox: He's tried to kill before.

---

"Scrubs: My Female Trouble (#4.10)" (2004)

Carla: Girls! I want an explanation.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Fine. Turk, tell her our code.
Turk: If you haven't had sex in six months, you're not accountable for who you sleep with.

Neena Broderick: Morning. I'll see you at the deposition. I'll try not to spank your lawyer as hard as I spanked him last night.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Bye! FYI, there was no spanking last night, okay?
Carla: Really? Then this won't hurt then.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Nope.
Turk: Hit him again baby.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why?

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Okay, this woman is horrifying, so don't panic.
Jordan Sullivan: I'll be fine.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I was talking to myself.

Carla: What is the matter with you two? JD, you said you were going to break up with Neena.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I know! Believe me, the whole time we were having sex I was thinking about Turk. That came out wrong.

Carla: Here's what's going to happen. You're going to drop this lawsuit because it's wrong and you know it. But also because if you don't, I'm going to pound the plaid right off of that shirt and make it so that the only way you'll be able to eat pie is through a straw!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Jordan's making me stretch out her new jeans.
Dr. Perry Cox: Cry me a river. Guess what Gandhi's wife is making me do because if supposedly "broke his spirit".
Harvey Corman: Ever since the operation, I've been serving lefty so it could be a little unpredictable.

Jordan Sullivan: You are so much stronger than all the other idiot residents around here.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Jordan? I need you to break up with someone for me.
Jordan Sullivan: Really.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Wait, hold on Turk! Haven't you ever heard of keeping your enemies closer? I was just keeping her close!

Carla: JD, how could you do this to Turk? You two are so close that I occassionally have nightmares of running away together.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Where do we go?
Turk: One time we went to Aspen.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I hope it was summer. I'm not that big a skier.

---

"Scrubs: Her Story (#4.5)" (2004)

J.D.: Half of what rappers say doesn't make any sense. Like that Snoop Dogg Dr.Dre song? What is "still hittin' them corners and those ho-hos girl" mean?
Turk: Many diadvantaged African-Americans have limited nutritional choices, therefore they must subsist of Ho-Ho snack cakes. It's a black thing, bra.
Dr. Clock: Actually, Turk, it's "still hittin' them corners and those low-lows girl". It's low-lows, not ho-hos.
Elliot: See, Turk, in the hood, a low-low is a low rider, or a car with an adjusted suspension which allows it to bounce up and down.
[Elliot and Molly both inmitate bouncing]
J.D.: [laughs] Ha-ha-ha.
Elliot: And Dre and Snoop like driving around together in their low riders around the corners, or lizzle-rizzles.
[starts rapping]
Elliot: I'm representin' for them gangsters all across the world!
Dr. Clock: Still hittin' them corners and them low-lows girls!
Elliot, Dr. Clock: I'm takin' my time to perfect the beat, and I still got love for da street!
Carla: Turk, you just got schooled on rap by the two whitest chicks in America!
Turk: None of you can prove it.
J.D.: I got it on tape.
Elliot, Dr. Clock: Whicka, whicka, whicka.
[imitating scratching discs]

Turk: Well, you're better off watching good ol' Papa Smurf, here! Yeah, he says leadership boils down to three things: Smurferation, Smurferation, Smurf.
J.D.: Preparation, Inspiration, and Fear?
Turk: You know it.

Turk: Dude, I've got my own problems! I've got a bedtime again! I haven't had a bedtime in like twelve years!
J.D.: You had a bedtime when you were seventeen?
Turk: No! Not every night. On the weekends I didn't have to be in bed by 11, but I had to be in my room.
J.D.: Oh. That's way cooler.
Turk: The point is Carla's setting some kind of record on being a major pain in the ass, and I can't help you.

J.D.: Okay, everybody, gather around please?
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I need to talk to you?
J.D.: I'm a little busy right now, Perry!
Dr. Cox: Oh. My fault, I'll come back later.
J.D.: Oh, and another thing, From now on, I'd prefer it if you'd address me as "Dr. Dorian."
Dr. Cox: [sotto] Are you really doing this?
J.D.: [sotto] You bet your ass I am. And from now on, if you have a problem with me, you come see me in private, not in front of my boys! My boys got enough to worry about!
Dr. Cox: [sotto] Wrap it up, there, bingo.
J.D.: I simply will not tolerate it, Perry! And neither will my boys!
Dr. Cox: [sotto] The next minute you find yourself alone, I'm gonna kill ya.
J.D.: [sotto] It was worth it.

J.D.: As I watched Elliot and Molly walk off, and thought about how Lonnie was a much less stable giant doctor base than Turk, I realized how important it is to have someone close to you that you can count on.

J.D.: [into recorder] Mrs. MacCalla, 40s, moderately attractive, condition improving.
Mrs. MacCalla: Did you just say I was moderately attractive?
J.D.: Excuse me, Mrs. MacCalla.
[into recorder]
J.D.: Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.

Dr. Cox: Tell you what, there, Gidget, if you promise to leave right now, I won't yell at you in front of your peons anymore.
J.D.: You ruined my credibility! Now look me in the eyes and tell me that's not messed up!
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Later on today when you are with your residents, I'll come up for something, you'll tell me you're too busy in a manly way, and I will contritely turn around and walk out of the room with my tail between my legs. Problem solved.
J.D.: Can you pull off contrite?
Dr. Cox: Can you pull off manly way?
J.D.: Should have seen that coming.

Dr. Cox: Gloria, you're supposed to start at 7 o'clock and it's now 7. 03.
J.D.: I'm sorry I was late but I was singing and I fell. And I know I've used the falling excuse before but it's happened again

---

"Scrubs: My Old Friend's New Friend (#4.1)" (2004)

J.D.: Come on, man, it's our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station. You must have a metaphor you want to use; hit me with it!
Dr. Cox: I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Lemme see, uhh... Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything - eve - everything that exists - past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh! And Hugh Jackman.

Dr. Cox: I sure hope you're comfortable in that bed, because you're gonna be in one just like it for the rest of your natural born life.
J.D.: What the hell was that?
Dr. Cox: That was me talking to a patient who has thrown in the towel. You can't save everyone, Newbie, so I suggest you start working with people who want your help. That's what I will be doing.

J.D.: I just want you to know I'm not ready to give up on Mr. Radford.
Dr. Cox: Do you want me to give you my "things I don't care about" speech again? Because, you know, I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything.
J.D.: I agrizzle, my nizzle.
Dr. Cox: Go on home and get in bed, will ya. I'm betting your friend Mr. Radford's already in his. I'll see ya.

J.D.: Why the giant X?
Janitor: Why the stupid face?
J.D.: Touché.
Janitor: You know, I know you knocked that exit sign down.
J.D.: Well then I'm sure I can expect an appropriate retaliatory response. Maybe you could shoot me in the neck.

Dr. Clock: Look, isn't it possible that Dr. Cox tricked you as a motivational ploy?
J.D.: Hmm, no.
Dr. Clock: After he said there was no hope with Mr. Radford, didn't you both work harder?
J.D.: Nnoo! You're like a crazy person!
Dr. Clock: I'll tell you something else. I mean, Dr. Cox is a text-book closed-off alpha male. I mean, you can try forever, but you're never gonna get that hug that you really want.
J.D.: Uh, excuse me, I'm not a child. I'm a doctor.
[thinking]
J.D.: And i'll get that hug!

Dr. Clock: So where were we?
J.D.: Er... we weren't talking
Dr. Clock: Was it cause of something you did cause i'm totally over it. I don't even remember what it was
J.D.: No i mean like, we've never talked
Dr. Clock: How do i know your name then?
J.D.: You don't
Dr. Clock: You're freaking me out Jimmy
J.D.: It's Johnny
[thinking]
J.D.: Why would you say Johnny. You hate Johnny

J.D.: Whether or not you survive in a hospital is all about how you handle your relationships.

J.D.: When you get back from surgery we'll play scrabble again and this time I'll beat you.
Dr. Kelso: Well, of course you'll beat her, son, she's having half her brain removed.

---

"Scrubs: My New Game (#4.3)" (2004)

J.D.: Hey, uh, you need to move your car - it's my day to have the parking spot
Elliot: J.D., you have a scooter! Why do you even need a parking spot?
J.D.: Mmmm, it sends a message.

J.D.: Well, as you may have heard from the loudspeaker, some residents, the janitor, my mother, your mother, and a coma patient, um, I'm being referred to as the "co-" chief resident. I think we should either both go with "co-chief" or "chief." Don't you... co-agree?
Lonnie: Excuse me. We're working up this patient for a hypercoagulable state with a prolonged PTT? What's our next step?
J.D.: Well, that's easy, Lonnie, what you want to do...
Lonnie: 'd like my answer from the *chief* resident.

J.D.: In a hospital, it's hard not to let your personal life affect your professional life.

J.D.: So! How you guys gonna celebrate your divorce?
Turk: By not inviting you!
J.D.: Oh my God! Dude! I doubted you for a second, why are you so mad?
Turk: Maybe I needed you to believe in me!
Carla: I believe in you, baby.
Turk: Yeah, but we're married - that doesn't count.

Turk: Look J.D, I've gotta go, I can't be late... I got a new attending-plus, he's a question talker.
J.D.: What's a question talker?
The New Attending: Do I want you to be on time, Dr. Turk? Yes I do, Am I going to remember this? Of course I am.

Janitor: What's that? Your new cool guy walk?
J.D.: Nope, I have rocks in my shoe.
[empties it]
J.D.: Wow, that's a lot of rocks. I gotta stop taking that shortcut through the quarry.

J.D.: Look, man, it was one second of doubt, okay? Since when do you care what anybody else thinks?
Turk: I don't. I care what you think.

---

"Scrubs: My Conventional Wisdom (#6.20)" (2007)

Dr. Christopher Turk: How are you doing?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Not too bad, considering I just had a bomb dropped on me.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh no, that was bigger than a bomb, more like an asteroid about to hit the planet, you know? People running in the streets screaming "Oh my god, it's coming right at us!", and then dudes turning to hot chicks and being all like "Look, we're about to die so can I hit that?", and then the girls like "Hell to the no!", but then she realizes, "Oh my god, I'm about to die, so you know what? Yeah you can hit this, but no kissing."
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's exactly what it's like!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Say I was too nervous to hit on that girl over there what advice would you give me?
Old M.C.: Bust a move.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Alright, alright. What if a great song comes on and I'm too shy to get down, what should I do?
Old M.C.: Bust a move.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You're awesome, man, what are you drinking, we'll buy you one.
Old M.C.: Bust a move.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why would you tell me you miscarried our child when you clearly didn't?
Dr. Kim Briggs: That's probably a question I should answer more face to face after the lecture.
[stammering]
Dr. Kim Briggs: Are there any other questions? Yes, you sir.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, uh, I think you should answer his question.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [thinking] How did he get over there so fast?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [out loud] You're a good friend.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I got your back.
Dr. Kim Briggs: [breathing deeply] Anyone else have a question? Yes you i-in the back.
Old M.C.: Bust a move!
Dr. Kim Briggs: Really more a statement than a question, but thank you.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm just so mad I literally don't know what to say to her.
[J.D. holds up his hand to stop Old M.C. from talking as he walks by]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Don't you dare. Part of me wants to talk to her, part of me wants to...
Old M.C.: [yelling from a distance] Bust a move?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You have a problem, sir, seek help!

Dr. Kim Briggs: What can I possibly say?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I don't know. How about "There might be something living in my uterus."

Dr. Christopher Turk: So when the conference starts, I pretend to choke, and you say, "Is there a doctor in the house?" It's going to kill.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yeah, but don't really choke, 'cause that wouldn't be funny.

Bartender: I'm sorry. We don't have appletinis. I can make you a peachtini.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Too foofy for my taste. I'll just have a beer, thanks... with a pineapple wedge.

---

"Scrubs: My Overkill (#2.1)" (2002)

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] Steady now. Be brave. Don't cry.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] Hospitals aren't as big as you think. Eventually you run into everyone.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Hey Elliott.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [Comes up from underneath table] I'm not hiding, I-um-I was-I was just looking for my -uhm-you know, the... I was just looking for my dignity.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Did you find it?
Dr. Elliot Reid: No. I must have left it at college.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [turns around before the janitor can spray him in the crotch again] Ha ha. Too slow, what now Mr. Tough Guy?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [the janitor sprays him in the butt] That is so not funny.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Ha ha ha. Wet butt!
The Janitor: It gets better.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Is it starting to burn?
The Janitor: I would think so. Hey, uh, don't touch your eyes.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: How could you let a woman kick you out of your own bed?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, why you have to be so cranky in the morning?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head-to-foot.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Okay, fine: I'm sorry I slept with your ex-wife!
Nurse Laverne Roberts: I think I'll sit back down.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: It was an accident.
Dr. Perry Cox: Look... First of all, it's not like you tripped and fell into her... and then out of her... and then into her... again. And, second of all, you're smart enough to know that I don't want to talk about this; I don't want to know where you did it; I don't even want to know... how it was.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: A little scary - - Sorry! Jitters!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] And here come the fireworks...
Dr. Perry Cox: I know you didn't have any idea who she was, and I understand why you were too nervous to tell me. So, whatta ya say we leave it at that? I forgive you; you are forgiven. Okay?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] Cool.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Damn.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: First off, I want to thank you all for agreeing to talk.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Bambi, you paged us here.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Be that as it may, I think there are some simple solutions. Dr. Cox, you're angry with me.
Dr. Perry Cox: No, I'm not.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: And you won't admit this, but you're in love with Carla.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, he's not.
Dr. Perry Cox: Actually, I am.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're starting again!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Carla, you're mad Turk didn't trust you enough to tell you.
Dr. Christopher Turk: See, trust, woman, trust!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Whatever, the point is that Turk is sorry.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Not anymore.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I can't believe you thought he was a threat!
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm a threat.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're not in love with me, you idolioze me.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: If we could just try to stay focused...
Dr. Christopher Turk: You're mad because I'm scared of losing you?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Yes, because we're stronger than that!
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] Apparently not!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You should be glad I never took our relationship for granted, you silly woman!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: If we could just refrain from name-calling...
Dr. Perry Cox: Oprah's right!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Lay off of him!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're just pissed because you're still in love with your ex!
Dr. Perry Cox: [slams his fist down on the table] Okay, that's it! Now, I have killed for so much less than that, and I'll damn sure do it again unless you all shut the hell up right now, and I MEAN NOW!
[they all disperse]

Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm not hiding. I was just looking for my, um, you know the... I was looking for my dignity.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Did you find it?
Dr. Elliot Reid: No, I must have left it at college.

---

"Scrubs: My Cake (#4.6)" (2004)

Carla: Welcome to Turk's head. You look hot!
Dr. Clock: Wait a minute... you're not a lesbian.
Carla: I am in here.
Dr. Clock: Yeah... me too!
[they lean in to kiss]
J.D.: [waking up] Dammit! Molly, you're a shrink: why is it my daydreams always end right before the sexy part?
Dr. Clock: I don't know, maybe we should work on that... together.
[leans in to kiss him]
J.D.: [waking up] Dammit!
Turk: Dude! Relax!... and enjoy hot chocolate loooove.
[leans in to kiss him]
J.D.: Snap out of it! Abort! ABORT!
J.D.: [waking up] STOP IT! I DON'T HAVE GAY JUNGLE FEVER!
Turk: Okay, we should go!
Carla: Yeah!

J.D.: What happened?
Dan Dorian: What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel eight hundred miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "Hey, how're things?"
J.D.: Dan...
Dan Dorian: Dad died.

J.D.: It was all right; we spent most of the time dealing with the headstone problem. See, since Dad was an office supplies salesman, he wanted it to be shaped like a pencil.
Turk: So?
Dan Dorian: So, it looked like a giant marble penis - which I maintain, Dad would have liked even more.

J.D.: You know, it wasn't exactly easy showering with you in there.
Dan Dorian: Well, it wasn't exactly easy for me, either. You have Dad's butt.
J.D.: You think you'll get out of the tub today?
Dan Dorian: Yeah, today doesn't look good - by the way, could you get me another beer?
J.D.: No, look, I put a six-pack for you in the toilet.

Dr. Perry Cox: Hey, Newbie? Just in case you didn't actually notice, I have been covering all your patients, answering all your pages, and doing pretty much everything shy of picking up your sundress from the drycleaners.
J.D.: Well, I didn't ask you to do any of that, did I?
[he storms off]
Dr. Perry Cox: Outstanding! You're walking away like a pissy little ingrate. I mean, bravo!
[starts applauding]
Dr. Perry Cox: Bravo, ah!
[He whistles as Ted walks up and joins him in applauding. Cox stops clapping]
Ted: What are we clapping for?
Dr. Perry Cox: His dad just died.
[Ted's applause trails off]
Dr. Perry Cox: Dammit

Dr. Perry Cox: Truth be told, there, Newbie: I'm proud of you.
Dan Dorian: Me too.
J.D.: [narrating] It's amazing how a few simple words can change everything.

---

"Scrubs: My Musical (#6.6)" (2007)

Patient #1: My stomach hurts.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] Check the poo.
Patient #2: Sprained my ankle.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [singing] Check the poo.
Patient #3: I was shot.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] Check the poo.
Delivery Man: A homeless guy spit poo in my eye!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [singing] Check the poo.
Delivery Man: Mine or his?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] First him, then you.

Patti: [singing] What's going to happen? / What does the future hold? / So many things that I've put off / Assuming I'd have time / Assuming I'd grow old. / What's going to happen? / And will I be alive tomorrow? / What's going to happen... / To me?
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] You're going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, The Janitor, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Doug Murphy, Ted Buckland: That's what's going to happen. / Everything's okay. / We're right here beside you / We won't let you slip away. / Plan for tomorrow / 'Cause we swear to you, / You're going to be okay.
Patti: I'm going to be okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's what's going to happen.
Patti: Everything's okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso: Everything's okay.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Bob Kelso: We would never leave you.
Dr. Perry Cox, Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid, Dr. Christopher Turk, Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa: Right here we will stay. / Plan for tomorrow, / 'Cause we swear to you / You're going to be okay.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [last sung line of the episode] We hope.
Dr. Perry Cox: Shhhhhh.

J.D.: Everything comes down to pooh.

Dr. Cox: It's your hair, your nose, your chinless face. You always need a hug. Not to mention all the manly Appletinies that you chug. That you think I am your mentor, just continues to perplex. And oh my God stop telling me when you have nerdy sex!
J.D.: And by the way, the last time Kim was in town we took some Appeltinies and poored 'em on our good parts!
Dr. Cox: See now newbie that's the thing you do that drives me up a tree. 'Cause no matter how I rant at you, you never let me be. So I'm stuck with all your day dreaming, your wish to be my son. It makes me sucidial! And I'm not the only one. No I'm not the only one.
[lights go out, a spotlight falls on the Janitor]

Patti: [singing] Dr. Cox, I'm not crazy!
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] Am I still singing?
Patti: [singing] Singing like a bird.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] Dr. Cox, huge news! I pulled some strings and got the parking spot right behind yours! Bumper Buddies!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: In musicals, there's always a happy ending. But in life, sometimes when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind. Whether it's your roommate, or time spent with your child, or even the music you used to hear in your head.

---

"Scrubs: My Screwup (#3.14)" (2004)

Mr, Taylor: So, should I be worried about the old ticker?
J.D.: Naw, Mr. Taylor, let me worry about that for you.
J.D.: [thinking] OH MY GOD, HE'S GONNA DIE!

Jordan Sullivan: The only reason you're invited is that for some reason you own a Spongebob Squarepants costume.
J.D.: It was a gift!
[in his head]
J.D.: From me to me!

Dr. Perry Cox: So how come you're not all dressed up?
Ben Sullivan: I am dressed up, you see any holes in these pants? I'm glad you made it... listen, there's one more thing you have to do for me.
Dr. Perry Cox: You can't keep me from getting drunk!
Ben Sullivan: You have to forgive yourself for everything that went down the other day.
Dr. Perry Cox: God, you're... you're so annoying.
Ben Sullivan: Yeah.
Dr. Perry Cox: All right.
Ben Sullivan: Good.
Dr. Perry Cox: Where's your camera, aren't you gonna take some pictures?
J.D.: [enters] Pictures of what?
Dr. Perry Cox: You know, crying babies covered in chocolate, people singing Happy Birthday to my son who have never even met him before, the whole routine!
J.D.: Where do you think we are?
[Cox looks round. Ben has disappeared. The camera pans out and reveals they are in a graveyard, at Ben's funeral]

Dr. Cox: [to Ben] Where's your camera? Aren't you gonna to take any pictures?
J.D.: Pictures of what?
Dr. Cox: [Turns to J.D] Ya know, babies crying with cake all over their faces, people singing "Happy Birthday" to my son who they've never even met. The usual.
J.D.: Where do you think we are?
[Dr. Cox turns back and sees Ben isn't there]
J.D.: [Camera pans as they walk to reveal they are at a funeral. On the casket is a picture of Ben]

J.D.: Shower shorts; for the man that has nothing to hide, but still wants to.

---

"Scrubs: My Brother, My Keeper (#2.14)" (2003)

Dr. Bob Kelso: No offense sport. Don't think I have anything against ugly people.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Why would I take offense to that?
Dr. Bob Kelso: ...No reason.

J.D.: I still can't believe I power-walked 'butt-naked' through the halls of the hospital last night.
Turk: My man, I know that wasn't you.
J.D.: How?
Turk: I'm not really proud of this, but I can pick your puff-'n'-stuff out of a line-up.
J.D.: Oh, it changed since you saw it - it got a haircut.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Y'know, sir, Dr. Townshend was telling me you had some great old stories about the hospital. I'd love to hear one sometime.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Well, what the hell. Back in '68- I don't like you. The end.
[Dr. Kelso leaves]
Dr. Townshend: He tells that one a lot.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I know.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Sir, can I call you Townsy?
Dr. Townshend: No.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [voiceover] I was having a great time working with Townsy.

J.D.: Can I call you Townsy?
Dr. Townshend: No.
J.D.: [thought] Me and Townsy were having a great time.

---

"Scrubs: Her Story II (#5.10)" (2006)

J.D.: You're okay buttercup?
Julie Quinn: The glass broke in my month

Turk: So, when am I gonna get to meet Julie?
J.D.: Do I want her to meet Turk this soon? What if he doesn't like her?
Turk: What are you doing?
J.D.: I'm saying all my thoughts out loud so that I don't mess this relationship up
Turk: I don't understand
J.D.: I forgot, sometimes Turk is slow. You know what? It's time for her to meet the people in my life. I think she's gonna do great

Elliot: Why is Julie behind that bush crying?
J.D.: Who knows? Could be anything! You know what's interesting Turk, she's not saying that's so sad. She's actually crying
Turk: You're an Idiot
J.D.: Yes I am

Julie Quinn: That's so funny! That's so funny! Look how big that pancake is that's so funny
J.D.: [whispering at Turk] Make-her-stop

J.D.: You used to be afraid of commitment, too. Then somehow you got over it and now you're married.
Turk: That's because I was never as bad as you.
J.D.: Oh, really? Remember Whitney "The Snapper"?
Turk: Ahhhhhhhhh!
[flashback to Turk in college dorm room with attractive girl]
Turk: Thanks for paying for dinner.
Whitney: And for dessert, you're gonna get a little Whitney
[snaps]
Whitney: a-
[snaps]
Whitney: la-
[snaps]
Whitney: mode!
Turk: [makes horrified face] Get out.

---

"Scrubs: My Rite of Passage (#5.2)" (2006)

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [Dr. Cox has put J.D. in time-out] I'm an attending!
Dr. Perry Cox: Tell it to the wall, newbie.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Hey, how come Elliot never invites us over to her hospital?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: She probably doesn't want you guys embarrassing her.
Dr. Christopher Turk: How would we embarrass her?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, maybe by diagnosing all your female patient with Turk-Fever.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Honey, a lot of women suffer from that.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: It's true, I even had it.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Okay gang I'll meet you up in the radiology to talk about Mr. Keets' CAT-Scan. His tumor is getting you big it's starting to look like a three-mor.
[the interns fake laugh]
Janitor: Not funny!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Have you been following me around all day dressed like an intern?
Janitor: Yes. And you're a terrible teacher. I'm not prepared to operate on anyone.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: How funny is this joke: That patients tumor is so big it's starting to look like a three-mor.
Keith: [walking by, fake laughing] Three-mor... you are hilarious Dr D.!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Awful! Awful! Awful!

J.D.: Just because you dye your moustache blonde doesn't mean it's gone

---

"Scrubs: My Dirty Secret (#3.9)" (2003)

Mr. Randolph: Do you know what channel that Queer Guy show is on?
[inferring that J.D. is gay. J.D. just stares at him]
Dr. Cox: Go ahead, you can tell him.
J.D.: Bravo, Tuesdays at 10, 9 central, 8 Mountain.
[Mr. Randolph nods as if to say 'thought so']

J.D.: You don't want to end up like the Randolphs back there, just not saying a word to each other, do you?... You wish WE were more like the Randolphs, don't you?
Dr. Cox: [looking up & smiling blissfully] God save me, I do. I reeeeally do!

Dr. Elliot Reid: I honestly don't mind that you're making fun of me but what does bother me is that no one is ever allowed to make fun of you.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: People can make fun of me.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [scoffs] Come on, what about that delivery guy yesterday? I mean, you practically tore him a new binglebore.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: But he's not my friend. My friends can make fun of me whenever they want.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really? Well in that case you're a know-it-all smartypants and if you're not telling someone what to do, you're probably not talking.
J.D.: Okay, I guess I can be a little bossy.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: A little? Girl, please. If you met Jesus hisself, you'd be trying to tell him where to park his donkey.
J.D.: Oh, are we allowed to do this now? What about that whole like, hands on the hips Carla from the block thing she does when she's mad when she's like
[imitating]
J.D.: "oh Bambi, you do not want to mess with me right now."
Dr. Doug Murphy: [laughs] You do sound like that.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [with her hand on her hip] Careful, Doug, we are not that close yet.
Dr. Elliot Reid, J.D.: [laughing and mocking] Careful, Doug. Doug, wussup. Doug, you better be careful. Mm-hmm. 'Cause I'm Carla.

J.D.: You know, Dr. Cox, we've known each other for over two years. Let me in, okay? Help me help you, help me help you, help me help you...
Dr. Cox: [interrupting] Stop it!
J.D.: Help me help you.
Dr. Cox: Fine, Newbie. Let me, let me tell you a little story. It starts every day at 5 in the morning which is just about the time that you're setting your hair for work when I am awakened by a sound. Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? No, that's my son. He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big that I'm actually considering hiring a stable boy but I go ahead and dig in because I do love the lad and gosh, you know me. I'm a giver and
[whistles]
Dr. Cox: I'm off to the hospital where my cup runneth over with both quality colleagues such as yourself and a proverbial clown car full of sick people. But, what the hey, my pay is about the same as guys who break rocks with other rocks and I only have to work three or four hundred hours a week so, so far I'm a pretty happy camper. And then I head back home where I am greeted by the faint musk of baby vomit in a house that used to smell like, well... nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I-I-In fact, it used to smell like nothing at all and all I want to do before I restart this whole glorious cycle is, you know... maybe lay on the couch and have a beer, watch some Sports Center and, if I'm not too sweaty for the day's labors stick my hand right down my pants buuut apparently that's not in Jordan's definition of pulling your weight. So, uh... there you are, superstar. Fix that.

---

"Scrubs: My Lucky Charm (#4.14)" (2005)

Billy Callahan: Lads, you'll sleep enough when you're dead and buried. You have to get out on the streets. You have to talk to a stranger. Drink a beer for breakfast. Take the ugliest girl home from the party.
J.D.: Done it! Done that... that one I've done.

[a patient has just scared J.D]
J.D.: Ohh, you think scaring people's funny, huh? Well, good! Because you're dying!
Turk: John Dorian, you are a doctor!
J.D.: Well, he started it!

J.D.: [thinking] As Turk and I recuperated from our big chair swap, I wondered what other couples were doing tonight. Did I just refer to Turk and I as a couple? My point is, I'm sure other couples were out having fun

J.D.: Hey that is a cool tattoo, my brother!
Billy Callahan: Oh yeah! Got this snuck on a plane, thought I was going to Belgium ended up in Kenya. Long story short, I hung out with this tribe, where the males go through adolescance, they get this tattoo. It means "Alias".
J.D.: Oh, why Alias?
Billy Callahan: It's their favorite show.
J.D., Turk: Ohhhhh.
Billy Callahan: I'm only kidding, I don't know what it means.

---

"Scrubs: My Brother, Where Art Thou? (#3.5)" (2003)

Dan: [as Dr. Cox leaves at the end of his shift, J.D.'s brother Dan is waiting for him outside the hospital entrance] Hey, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy.
Dan: You don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? I'm a screw-up. Always have been.
[laughs]
Dan: Ever since we were kids, my mom always made me walk Johnny to school first day every year, and every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school...
[laughs]
Dan: ...just 'cause.
Dr. Cox: Boy, that's a great story, really. And I'm sure you're just a horrible big brother...
Dan: [smiles in mock humility] Well...
Dr. Cox: ...but I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed. Turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his deathbed.
Dan: Hey, listen, Dr. Cox, no offense, I'm a big fan of the tough guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you LOVE the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we KNEW was going someplace. Sweet kid. Smart kid. Becoming a doctor? This is ALL he ever wanted, and yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turn him into some kind of cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny is never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So I'm askin' - I'm tellin' you: take that responsibility seriously, stop being such a hard-ass. Otherwise, you're gonna have to answer to me.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] Love can give you strength you never knew you had.
Dan: [holds out his hand to Cox] It's good seeing you, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: [takes Dan's hand and shakes it] Good to see you, Dan. All the best.
[walks away]

Dr. Cox: Newbie! Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [ashamed] Yes...
Dr. Cox: I've never felt closer to you.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Doctor Cox, Dan was wondering if he could trail with us today.
Dr. Cox: Good God in heaven, Newbie. There are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never. Not in a million years. Absolutely not. No way, Jose. No chance, Lance. Nyet. Negatori. Mm-mm. Nuh-uh. Uh-uh. And of course, my own personal favorite of all time, man falling off of a cliff. Noooooooooo!

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Turk, you don't get it, man. Your family was there for you.
Dr. Christopher Turk: You know, I love how kids of divorced swear they have the market cornered on family dysfunction; but let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household. It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jubari - formerly "Bob" - gives my father attitude for using the word "black," *even though* he's referring to the turkey, which by the way only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bipolar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss, and we hug, and we apologize for all the things we said, 'cause a month later we're gonna get together and do it again at Christmas!

---

"Scrubs: My Lips Are Sealed (#4.21)" (2005)

J.D.: J.D.: I had to hide from Turk, so I went to the one place that I knew no one would ever venture.
[enters Ted's office]
J.D.: Ted? Ted?
Ted: A little help!
J.D.: Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.
J.D.: Ted, lunch was four hours ago.
Ted: Yep, I wasted most of my Tuesday.
J.D.: It's Wednesday.
Ted: Aw, man! I missed the Gilmore Girls!

J.D.: [narrating] Nothing had changed much on the way to work. God, the silence is killing me!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You kissed my wife.
J.D.: [narrating] I miss the silence.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Did you like it?
J.D.: Well, that's kind of a trick question, Turk. If I say yes, it's like saying 'Damn, dude, your wife is hot and I want to get me a piece of that', but if I say no, it's like saying 'Yo, I know she's your wife and everything, but you can keep that fish-lipped bitty... '

Carla: J.D you're drunk!
J.D.: Carla, I'm not as think as you drunk I am...

Carla: Night, night.
J.D.: Night, night...
Carla: Buenas noches
J.D.: Buenas... nose things...

---

"Scrubs: My Fallen Idol (#5.21)" (2006)

J.D.: You had a tough day at the office. So you come home, make yourself some dinner, smother your kids, pop in a movie, maybe have a drink. It's fun, right? Wrong. Don't smother your kids.

J.D.: [to Dr. Cox] You're probably wondering why I didn't come earlier, although I know you'll never admit it. I told myself it's because I was angry that you were drunk at the hospital. But that wasn't it. The truth is... I was scared. I guess after all this time, I still think of you as, like, this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients, but because after twenty years of being a doctor, when things go badly you still take it this hard. And I've gotta tell you, man, I mean... that's the kind of doctor I want to be.

J.D.: Anyway, I tried to convince myself that the reason I didn't come earlier was you coming into work drunk. But that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, ya know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients. But because after 20 years of being a doctor, when things go badly, you still take it this hard. And I gotta tell ya man, I mean, that's the kind of doctor I want to be.
J.D.: [interior monologue] Maybe he just needed time to heal, or maybe he just needed to see how much everybody cared. But I like to believe it was because of me that he was finally able to say this.
[Takes a drink of scotch]
Dr. Cox: You don't drink scotch.
J.D.: [spits it back out] Ohhhhhh, that's awful.

J.D.: [Voiceover] That's the thing about family. If you fall off the deep end you can always count on them to rally around you. When you come back, you might get a quick hug, a pat on the shoulder, maybe just a nod. But no words really need to be spoken. Of course, it's always nice when they are.
Dr. Cox: [Calling him by his name for the first time in the series] J.D... Thank you.
J.D.: You're welcome.
[Dr. Cox pats JD on the back]

---

"Scrubs: His Story II (#3.18)" (2004)

Bratty Kid: Why are your pants tight? Clowns are supposed to wear pants that are baggy.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Because, Brad, I'm the kind of clown that likes to wear tight pants.
Bratty Kid: The other clown wears baggy pants
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: What other clown?
The Janitor: [Children point to where Janitor is standing] Hello, old friend.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Janitor.

Lonnie: Mr Miller passed away and I thought that since I'm kind of new of this, you could notify his family.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: What, you steal my research project and now you want me to do your dirty work?
Lonnie: Dr Cox said if you said that to say that's right, Melinda.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I think what angry disturbed clown is trying to teach us is it's never okay to push other people over.
The Janitor: [Pushes J.D over as all the children laugh]

Dr. Elliot Reid: Position one, two or three?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: We only had two positions.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh. Well, I've got something to show you later.

---

"Scrubs: My Mirror Image (#6.1)" (2006)

Carla: [J.D. tells Carla, Elliot, and Turk that Kim is pregnant] I'm sorry J.D. but you knew this could happen when you had sex.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I have to tell you guys something but you have to promise not to laugh. Ok?
[Carla, Elliot, and Turk agree]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ok, on the night of said conception, ah, Kim and I nude-ed up, and um, the dirty talk began and I got a little over excited.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oooh, She like a the dirty talk!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, I do. I find it gets the ladies going. But I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself, especially when I use some of my different voices.
Dr. Elliot Reid: He does.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anywho, there was some unexpected friendly-fire, and uh, even though I never got a chance to enter the, the village, ah, there was an air strike on one of the outlying regions.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Turk yells excitedly and Carla pulls his ear to stop him] Thank you.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anyway, I talked to the gals in O.B.G and they said it's not uncommon for a woman to get pregnant even if there was no actual penetration.
Dr. Christopher Turk: What your trying to tell us is that you never actually had sex with her?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [after a brief pause] I didn't have a condom.
[Muffled giggles from Turk, Carla, and Elliot]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And ah, we decided not to have sex because, here's the kicker, I didn't want to get her pregnant.
[Carla, Elliot, and Turk break out in hysterical laughing]

J.D.: My life is over.
Dr. Cox: Oh come on, you gotta focus on the positives. For instance, the medical miracle that is one woman actually impregnating another woman.
[claps his hands together]
Dr. Cox: Sha-daisy!
[J.D. walks away]
Turk: Coincidentally, I have a cousin named Shedaisy.
Dr. Cox: WHAT?

Dr. Kelso: Uh, Dr. Dorian, look, this is a bit awkward, but as Chief of Medicine I feel obligated to ask you about your relationship with Dr. Briggs... was she naughty? I bet she was a hellcat.
J.D.: Get help, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Never mind. It's better up here.

Dr. Kim Briggs: Oh, come on. No laugh from a guy who, when he orders a coffee, says "Thanks a latte!"
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Well, that's different, Kim, that's hilarious. This is life-changing.

---

"Scrubs: My Fifteen Minutes (#1.8)" (2001)

J.D.: [as Robin] Holy inferiority complex, Batman! Why am I the sidekick in my own fantasy?
Turk: [as Batman] It could be worse. You could be the butler.
J.D.: [as Alfred] Damn you... Sir.

J.D.: [after finding Dr.Cox laying on a couch] Dr. Cox, have you been here the whole time?
Dr. Cox: [sarcastic] No, I came in through the couch door...

J.D.: [picking up an appletini an elderly gay man left on his porch] When did gay guys start drinking straight guy drinks?
[sniffs the drink]
J.D.: Ooh, it's fresh...

---

"Scrubs: My Choosiest Choice of All (#3.19)" (2004)

J.D.: You don't enjoy hanging out with me, do you?
Danni Sullivan: Not really, I'm more into tough guys, you know?
J.D.: Last night in bed I knocked you unconscious.
Danni Sullivan: For like 5 seconds.

J.D.: How could you do this to me?
Elliot: Do what?
J.D.: I don't know, come over to my house, sleep with me and the dump me the minute Sean shows up so I'd feel like a complete loser.
Elliot: Oh, you seem real crushed, I mean, you jumped into bed with Danny so quick you didn't have time to change the sheets.
J.D.: You know I only have one set.

J.D.: When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you made.

---

"Scrubs: My Butterfly (#3.16)" (2004)

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I have to learn to play the banjo. And buy one.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I should get Turk a washboard.

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [whistles] Here's the deal, Eleonore. We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. So while drop an NG2 and do a gastric lavage, why don't you go ahead and get an order order on EKG with cardio-bio-markers? If you need to know where those are, they are on page 37 of the Ann Teller catalogue, right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you wanted for so long but haven't had the courage to order, because you worried the weave is so thin, your nipples just might go ahead and peak their pink selves through! Isn't that right, Dr. Cox? Dr. Cooox!
Dr. Perry Cox: [mimicking the J.D. daydream stare] Uhm, I'm sorry. Here I was in my own little world, talking to myself, dreaming about candy bracelets.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I don't like candy bracelets.
[in his head]
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I love 'em!

---

"Scrubs: My Occurrence (#1.22)" (2002)

Dr. Bobb: Call me Doctor Bobb.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: You go by your first name?
Dr. Bobb: Nope. First name's Fred.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Fred Bobb?
Dr. Bobb: What can I do you for?

Dr. Christopher Turk: Chop Chop, Nancy
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Rapido!

Carla: Let me ask you something: you kind of a boob guy, right?
J.D.: Excuse me?
Carla: I can tell because I've seen you look at mine, and not in a sleezy way or anything.
J.D.: I think this is the most uncomfortable conversation I've ever had.
Carla: You wanna touch one?
J.D.: I stand corrected.

---

"Scrubs: My Big Bird (#5.8)" (2006)

Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, he keeps a hug schedule with his friends.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Oh, okay, Turk! Looks like someone's getting crossed off their two o'clock spot and getting pencilled in for never. How does that feel? Does it sting?

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: This whole experience got me thinking about the nature of gratitude. I guess in the end whether you're a doctor or a garbage man...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Dorian! What are you doing?

Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: It's never easy when someone accuses you of screwing up, especially when you know it's true. When that happens you can't shrug it off, because in a hospital the best way to learn from your mistakes is to carry them with you.

---

"Scrubs: My Friend the Doctor (#3.8)" (2003)

J.D.: [JD is amazed by the skills of a visiting doctor] Your unflappable!
Dr. Kevin Casey: It's true. I can't be flapped.

J.D.: [after having seen Janitor in The Fugitive] You're an actor.
The Janitor: You're a fireman... What are we doing?

J.D.: I hit my head so hard I actually saw cartoon birds, then I realized I was in pediatrics and it was just the wall paper.

---

"Scrubs: My First Kill (#4.4)" (2004)

Turk: Hey. Baby. I'm gonna head home and watch some television with Rowdy.
Carla: Rowdy? NO! Um, you shouldn't go home.
J.D.: Why?
Carla: I need you to go somewhere for me. I want you to go to a... STRIP CLUB!
Turk: Okay!
J.D.: Hey, Turk, can I talk to you for a second?
Turk: Can't talk now! Good stuff's happenin'!

Dr. Perry Cox: Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. At some point during your residency you will screw up, they will die, and it will be burned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants, here -
Doug Murphy: Pee-pants...
Dr. Perry Cox: - he just might go ahead and get himself a good clean kill this morning, seeing as his patient, Mrs. Samson, is in DKA and he hasn't been tracking her phosphate level. Her phosphate level. Her phosphate level.
J.D.: Doug! Stop writing and go!
Dr. Perry Cox: That young man has killed so many patients, I'm starting to think he just might be a government operative. The point is, the harder you study, the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kill. Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy you murder is a jackass with no family. Great to see you kids. All the best!

Turk: Wow, isn't that a shocker, you don't care about something that's important to me. You know what? Why don't you just throw him out?
J.D.: Don't listen to him! He's drunk on cheese!

---

"Scrubs: My Half-Acre (#5.9)" (2006)

J.D.: I know I haven't hit it in a while, but there's good reasons for that
Dr. Cox: Two good reasons: his face and his personality.
J.D.: Sticks and stones may break my bones...
[thinking]
J.D.: But words will hurt forever

J.D.: How did you know I'd move to fast with Julie?
Dr. Cox: How do you know that I can be that kind of dad?
Turk: How did you that Kelso just wanted respect?
Elliot: Because I know you!
Carla: Because I know you!
Janitor: Because I know him!
Todd: [watches it on the security camera] This is so cool!

J.D.: I think it's important to listen to the people who know you best. Because if you do, you might get to rock.

---

"Scrubs: My Case Study (#2.3)" (2002)

J.D.: Look, I don't care what you think.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do.
J.D.: You're right, I do.

Dr. Cox: Hey there, Bridge Club. How're you feeling?
Mrs. Warner: I feel like crap. What the hell is wrong with me?
Dr. Cox: Your abdominal pain suggests you have billiary disease but all yours test came back negative. So we don't exactly know what's wrong with you.
J.D.: But don't worry. Dr. Cox and I never say die. Unless of course someone actually dies then we're kinda forced to by law.
Mrs. Warner: He's talking again.

Dr. Cox: Listen up, bubby. If you really want to help me, why don't you quiet down and get yourself some rest. And then if you're a really good girl, I'll wind up your car and take you out to a talkie.
Mrs. Warner: [after Dr. Cox leaves the room] Oooo, I could do naughty things to that man.
J.D.: Uncomfortable.

---

"Scrubs: My Number One Doctor (#7.6)" (2007)

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, I became a doctor to save lives, heal wounds and occasionally to drop the M.D. bomb to get hot tail in bars.

J.D.: [inside his head] Noted.

J.D.: You're my closest friend; in college we shared the toothbrush
Turk: I was not aware of that

---

"Scrubs: My Lunch (#5.20)" (2006)

J.D.: Where are you going, your shift's not over. Hey! Remember what you told me? The second you start blaming yourself for people's deaths, there's no coming back.
Dr. Cox: Yeah. You're right.

Lisa: [Jill Tracy has been admitted to the hospital and is unconscious] Do you think she could have O.D.ed?
J.D.: She had been, ah, stood up on a couple dates and ah, she hadn't seen her shrink in a while. She was definitely depressed.
Lisa: How do you know all that?
J.D.: [despondent] She told me.

J.D.: [Dr.Cox unknowingly transplanted donor organs infected with rabies into three people. Despite the team's best efforts to combat the infection, two of the recipients have recently died. Dr.Cox is sitting despondently on a couch when J.D. walks in. Narrating] I knew that Dr.Cox needed me the exact same way I'd needed him earlier.
J.D.: [Presenting a bag of take-away food] Hey! Hungry?
Dr. Cox: No.
J.D.: Guess that lunch waskind of a one-time thing, huh?
J.D.: There's no way you could've seen that coming. I mean *rabies*? C'mon, there's like three reported cases a year. In fact, testing for it would've been irresponsible. You would've been wasting time those people didn't have.
Dr. Cox: I was *obsessed* with getting those organs.
J.D.: You had to be. The fact is those people were gonna die in a number of hours and you had to make the call! I would've made the same call.
Dr. Cox: Really?
J.D.: Yes! Anyway, I got us lunch and I think we should eat it.
[J.D. produces two burgers from the bag]
J.D.: [Narrating] Right then I knew I was gonna pull him out of this. But unfortunately, sometimes the hospital picks a day when it's just gonna pile it on.
Dr. Cox: [Both J.D. and Dr.Cox's pagers go off. Dr.Cox looks at his and despairs] Oh God, C'mon!
Dr. Cox: [Dr.Cox is shown passionately trying to revive the last patient who recieved an infected organ with a defibrilator, but the patient dies anyway. Dr.Cox shouts and turns over a table in frustration. After he calms down, J.D. enters the room] He wasn't about to die, was he? He... could've waited another month for a kidney.
J.D.: [as Dr.Cox walks away] Where you going? Your shift's not over! Hey! Remember what you told me: Once you start blaming yourself for peoples' deaths, there's no going back.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you're right!
[Dr.Cox walks out of the ward and closes the door behind him as J.D. looks on]

---

"Scrubs: My ABC's (#8.5)" (2009)

Dr. Elliot Reid: I wonder if they found a new head of medicine yet?
The Janitor: Actually, they found one this morning.
Oscar the Grouch: All right, you knuckleheads! Shape up! I'm watching you, John Dorian, and guess what? My eyes never close!
The Janitor: Mine neither.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [back to reality] I grew up on the street. Not the hood. Sesame Street.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I think I see what the problem is. You have a hand inside of you.
A.M. Muppet: That explains so many things.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Will you stop teasing my beard? Chicks dig the extra fuzz.
Grover: Tell me about it. And you've only got it in 2% of your body. Hey, what's up, everybody! Can I get a high four?
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Coming at ya!
Grover: Near...
[Todd high-fives Grover so hard he flies across the room and into a wall]
Grover: ... Far.
[Faints]
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Grover five.

---

"Scrubs: My Road to Nowhere (#6.8)" (2007)

The Janitor: [to JD] Fair well stranger. I shall toast you with my heartiest wine.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to Elliot, Carla, Keith, and Ted, about The Janitor] Maybe he should lie down.

Nurse Carla Espinosa: [aboard Dr. Kelso's mobile home] There is a stripper pole in the back!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Carla has got some serious moves. She can even do an inverted spread-leg pole spin. You know, if that's what there called. It's not like a took a pole-dancing class or anything.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [inner monologue] Nice cover.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I knew that little tanned baby would eventually ruin everything.

---

"Scrubs: His Story IV (#6.7)" (2007)

J.D.: Hey, Dr. Kelso.
[gives him a pat on the back]
Dr. Kelso: [thinking] I actually don't mind that goofy bastard. If he were gay, he'd be perfect for my son. Harrison has been looking for a new power bottom. All my little worker bees, buzzing about... buzzzz... buzzz... I love making that sound... buzzz. Dr. Reid. Ever since she quit the hospital for private practice, you pretended she's invisible. So don't break stride.
[walks straight past Elliot, bumping her on the shoulder deliberately and making all her files scatter across the floor]
Dr. Kelso: KERBLAMO!
Elliot: HEY!
Dr. Kelso: Skiddle-ee-dee, skiddle-ee-doo.

Janitor: Typical Dorian. Runnin' away from an argument you know nothing about.
J.D.: I know all about the war.
Janitor: Really.
[pulls out a globe]
Janitor: Point to Iraq.
J.D.: Why do you keep a golbe on your janitor cart?
Janitor: In case I get lost. I'll give you a hint, it's not the country shaped like a boot.
J.D.: [points to the globe] That's Iraq.
Janitor: That's China.
J.D.: You're China!
Janitor: That's an outrageous accusation.

Janitor: Typical Dorian. Running away from a conversation you know nothing about.
J.D.: I know all about the war in Iraq.
Janitor: Really?
[pulls out a globe]
Janitor: Point to Iraq.
J.D.: Why do you have globe on your janitor cart?
Janitor: I get lost sometimes. Now come on, and I'll give you a hint, it's not the one shaped like a boot.
J.D.: That's Iraq.
Janitor: That's China.
J.D.: You're China!
Janitor: [chuckles] What a ridiculous accusation.
[bites sandwich]
Janitor: Needs salt. Where's my bunny? Bingo?

---

"Scrubs: My Cookie Pants (#8.6)" (2009)

[J.D. and Elliot are in bed at night. The apartment door squeaks open, and an ascending piano scale plays]
Elliot: [whispers] J.D., someone's in the house!
J.D.: [yells] Turk, get out of here!
[a descending piano scale plays, and the door closes]
J.D.: [scene cuts to Turk sitting on a park bench with Elliot's plate of cookies]
Turk: Pull that piano crap on me?
[scoffs]
Turk: Please!

[J.D. enters his apartment, where Elliot is baking cookies]
J.D.: Hey!
Elliot: Hi.
[piano scale plays as J.D. walks across a Piano Mat]
J.D.: Why'd you put my Piano Mat here?
Elliot: I was here all day all by myself, and I got a little freaked out, so I thought I'd use that as a burglar alarm.
[J.D. plays "I'm No Superman" - "scrubs"'s theme song - on Piano Mat]
J.D.: That's catchy.

Denise: Don't worry, a lot of people are scared of needles. You're just the first one without a vagina.
Denise: [Outside] Did you know he was a priest?
J.D.: Yes, I did. See you tomorrow. If I don't, I'll just assume demons dragged you down to Hell and chewed your face off.

---

"Scrubs: My Intern's Eyes (#5.1)" (2006)

J.D.: I don't need your approval or your stupid man cards. But the lettering is darling, have you ever done calligraphy?
Dr. Cox: [takes a man card from JD] Thank you!
J.D.: Dammit!

J.D.: Jason, if you are filling out a female patients exam report her breasts can be healthy or unhealthy, never "banging double d's".

Dr. Kelso: Who the hell is responsible for not treating that man?
Dr. Cox: Well Bobbo, I was going to treat him but I lost my stethoscope...
J.D.: He's my patient Bob!
[Kelso and Cox turn around]
J.D.: I'm responsible!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, I've kept my mouth shut about the recent sexual harrassment complaints because I don't think it's fair to punish a man for making small talk. Or say, asking his secretary for just once, to dress up as a geisha girl and call him "Kelso San"...
J.D.: What?
Dr. Kelso: Nothing! But now I need to know, is this the type of attending you're going to be?
J.D.: I guess so.

---

"Scrubs: My Catalyst (#3.12)" (2004)

J.D.: None of us slept last night. How I know that is irrelevant. What does matter is I think we formed a special bond because of it.
Dr. Cox: [Turk looks at Dr. Cox] Stop looking at me, or die!

Dr. Kevin Casey: Hey, J.D., wanna get a beer after work?
J.D.: Do chickens wish they can fly?
Dr. Kevin Casey: ...I have no idea.
J.D.: I like to think they do.

J.D.: I just want you to check out Mrs. Barlow's chart; I'm always second-guessing myself when it comes to interstitial lung diseases.
Dr. Cox: Oh, then you should definitely handle this yourself, there, Britney. I'm going with female pop stars today. The point is that back when I was a resident, I had all sorts of trouble with metabolic diseases. You know what I did? I grabbed every case I could get my hands on until I had it down pat.
J.D.: Got it... You really had trouble with metabolic diseases?
Dr. Cox: Noo... I'm a good doctor.

---

"Scrubs: My Waste of Time (#7.10)" (2008)

Dr. Perry Cox: What in the hell are you talking about?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I'm just doing this thing where I use a slice of wisdom from someone else's life to solve a problem in my own life.
Jordan Sullivan: Seems coincidental.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And yet I do it almost every week.

[J.D. is watching Ted and the Janitor argue]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Those two should have their own sitcom.
[cut to fantasy segment]
Ted Buckland: [singing] I'm a lawyer!
The Janitor: [singing] I'm a janitor!
Ted Buckland, The Janitor: Together we adopted a cute little kid. We're Legal Custodians!
[song ends]
Ted Buckland, The Janitor: Get it?

[Elliot and J.D. are meeting a patient in a fast food parking lot]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why are we meeting him here?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Because the last time I met a patient at their house, I ended up on the news.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Was that the crack raid?
Dr. Elliot Reid: It was.

---

"Scrubs: My Own American Girl (#3.1)" (2003)

Dr. Moyer: You called me in from home to do an abdomile CAT scan that could wait until Monday morning? Well guess what? It's not happening.
J.D.: Look, Dr. Moyer...
Dr. Moyer: [throwing a tantrum] These are my machines!
Carla: Sir...
Dr. Moyer: [ANGRY] My machines!
Chris Turk: Who's machines?
Dr. Moyer: They're my machines!
J.D.: [to Turk] How is that helpful?
Dr. Moyer: [throwing his arms up & down] They're mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! My machine! My machine!
[again and again until scene ends]

Dr. Elliot Reid: You know what I realized when I was dragging my car door around- I cannot remember the last good thing that happened to me at this place. I mean, what is it about me that makes everybody walk all over me?
Carla: No self-confidence.
Chris Turk: You can be a baby sometimes.
J.D.: Your voice gets really high when you're upset.
Dr. Elliot Reid: [in a high voice] Rhetorical question, ok?

---

"Scrubs: My Best Laid Plans (#4.19)" (2005)

Elliot: So's your face!
J.D.: [Voiceover] Walked right into that one.

Dr. Christopher Turk: [J.D. returns from his girlfriend's apartment] Hey hey, here he is! My buddy hit it and quit it, didn't he?
J.D.: [narrating] Hell no.
J.D.: Hell yes! Now if you'll excuse me it's time for my nightly ritual.
J.D.: [narrating] Pleasure myself, weep, and repeat.

---

"Scrubs: My Roommates (#4.18)" (2005)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Seeing Perry and Ron together] This is pretty great! You two have been friends for a long time, and integrated friendship: white guy and black guy...
Ron Laver: I believe the term is AFRICAN-AMERICAN!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [mumbles] Turk lets me call him brown bear.
Ron Laver: Who the hell is Turk?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [At the End of the episode]
[while hugging Turk]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm so happy to have my African American friend back.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, call me brown bear.

Todd Quinlan: There's only one rule if you're gonna stay at El Casa de Todd:
[removes robe to reveal his bananahammock]
Todd Quinlan: You gotta hammock up.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh... I don't have one of those, Todd.
Todd Quinlan: No problem.
[opens wardrobe which is full of bananahammocks and takes one out]
Todd Quinlan: What are you, about a medium?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: ...Extra-medium.
Todd Quinlan: This'll work. And it'll look good, too.

---

"Scrubs: My Monster (#2.10)" (2002)

J.D.: Morning, Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: He he, Denise, I know it's morning, if it was still last night I'd still be with my extremely pregnant ex wife trying to calm her down with a chair and a whip because I somehow managed to forget to bring home *the curly fries*. Do ya see where I'm going here? Yes? no? Maybe so?
[whistles]

J.D.: You know Perry...
Dr. Cox: Perry?
J.D.: Yeah, I'm tryin' it out. I find that with the ladies, if you're clear with you're intentions right off the bat, they just fall into place. AQ?
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: AQ is sort of a new hit expression meaning "any questions"?
Dr. Cox: Look, don't think I'm impressed because you managed to score a sympathy date with whatever homely-looking girl is managing the gift shop right now.
Lisa: [comes from behind and Dr. Cox is left speechless on seeing her] JD, you ready to go?
J.D.: Oh, yeah, the word you're looking for is 'wow' and the words I'm looking for are in your face.
[while leaving]
J.D.: PO, peace out.

---

"Scrubs: My Interpretation (#2.20)" (2003)

J.D.: Look uh... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: I was outside in the bushes.
J.D.: [Janitor makes confused, sighing noise] Look, it was just a coincidence man. I mean, eh, if you had looked out the window you would've seen my penis.
Janitor: What? Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours.

Hermann Mueller: Hey, you must be Doctor Dorian. I'm Lars' brother, Hermann.
J.D.: Herman the German, ha, you must get that all the time.
Hermann Mueller: Nope, first time...hope it catches on.

---

"Scrubs: His Story III (#5.19)" (2006)

[JD is making a video project to send to his mother]
J.D.: Dr. Cox, do you have anything you'd like to say to my mom?
Dr. Cox: No, but I have something I'd like to say to her uterus, because it brought you into this world.
[Smacks camera and shakes finger]
Dr. Cox: Bad uterus! Don't do that anymore!

Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox and JD examine a patient with locked-in syndrome, who communicates via computer] Go ahead and check Mr. McNair's blood pressure, please, Eva.
Mr. McNair: I don't get it - Why does he call you a girl's name?
J.D.: Thank you for asking, Mr. McNair. You see, the thing about Dr. Cox is that, the closer he feels to a person, the more he needs to push them away. So when he calls me Eva, he's actually saying, "JD, I care about you!" Vulnerable people like Dr. Cox...
Mr. McNair: Oh my god! I get it now, Carol. Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol...
J.D.: Now you're being a jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
Dr. Cox: Newbie! I'm relatively certain that the computer is broken.
J.D.: Oh, my bad.

---

"Scrubs: My Mentor (#1.2)" (2001)

J.D.: Aww, be nice to Rowdy. The guy we bought him from used to keep him in a box full of old hats.

J.D.: The one thing we never stop looking for is acceptance.

---

"Scrubs: My Nightingale (#2.2)" (2002)

Ted Buckland: Hey. This is my band. We all work in different departments in the hospital.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ted, I know, you told me last time that you...
Ted Buckland: [lead tenor] Legaaaaaal, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Randall: [bass] Ac-coun-tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Crispin: [baritone] Shipping and receiviiiiiiiiiing, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Roy: [high tenor] On-site property management including pest control, night-time security, non-arboreal gardening services, and tenant-related easements and liens.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Hey, you got promoted!
Ted Buckland, Randall, Crispin, Roy: [in four-part harmony] It's about time. He's/I've been busting his/my hump around here for six years. Hmmm-mmm.

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: At least I remember the names of all my sexual partners!
Jordan Sullivan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morningwood are extremely impressed.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Camp Meadowood. I made a lanyard.

---

"Scrubs: My Day Off (#1.9)" (2001)

J.D.: I just want you to know... if I ever need surgery again, I want you to be the one inside me.
Turk: I want to be the one inside of you.

J.D.: [JD needs an appendectomy, and asks Carla who the surgeon will be] Yeah, but who's the intern who's going to be doing all the work?
Turk: [slides into JD's room dancing and singing] I get to cut you open, I get to cut you open!

---

"Scrubs: My Last Chance (#4.8)" (2004)

J.D.: If you bring sarcasm my way, baby, prepare to be stung.
Elliot: J.D...
J.D.: So's your face.
Elliot: That doesn't even make any sense.
J.D.: 'So's your face' always makes sense.
Carla: J.D., that's stupid.
J.D.: So's your face! Man, I am on fire, hello.

J.D.: I think the easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly

---

"Scrubs: My Big Mouth (#2.4)" (2002)

Janitor: What's up?
J.D.: [thinking] Be careful here... Don't give him anything.
J.D.: Nothing. What. Is. Up. With. You... Man?
Janitor: I always get this way in the fall, you know - summer's gone, the days are shorter; it just makes me feel so... what's the word...
J.D.: Sad?
Janitor: Yes, that's it. I'm a janitor, so I couldn't think of the word "sad". I was gonna say, it makes me feel so "mop."
J.D.: Let me explain, I -...
Janitor: Go ahead, I'm "mopping".
J.D.: Maybe I shouldn't bother.
Janitor: Maybe you "mopn't".

J.D.: Look, every time you've screwed up with me, I've totally let you off the hook.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: When have I ever screwed up with you.
J.D.: [pauses and thinks] OK, never, but we both know that if I ever did, I would give you a break. Now let's see how you like it when I walk away from you
[Exits right]
J.D.: [Walks back on screen] Actually, I need to go this way.
[Exits left]
J.D.: [Walks back on screen] Right the first time
[Exits right]

---

"Scrubs: My Heavy Meddle (#1.16)" (2002)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I get it, it's because I'm a girl.
Dr. Perry Cox: Franklyn, you heard it, say it.
Franklyn: He's a girl.
Dr. Perry Cox: Good boy.

J.D.: My high school teacher, Mr. Peters, died.
Turk: You OK?
J.D.: Doing a lot better than Mr. Peters.

---

"Scrubs: My T.C.W. (#2.18)" (2003)

J.D.: I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, It's important to let go of the little things. Even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more then feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.

J.D.: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! And shut up! Okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long!
[to Dr. Cox]
J.D.: And you know what? Glare all you want, Big Dog, okay, cause I'm not afraid of you. Oh, no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby! That must be so hard for Dr. Look-At-Me! Isn't it? Look at me!
[to Turk and Carla]
J.D.: And you two? Come on, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that, ever! It can't be that you're just scared, is it?
[to Elliot]
J.D.: And you! Y-you know what, let's just - let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone. Because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!
[storms out as Laverne comes in]
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Did I miss something good?

---

"Scrubs: My Lucky Day (#2.9)" (2002)

Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox to JD: JD recently identified a disease in a patient from watching a TV show and Dr. Cox wants to prove it was a fluke] Here's your chance. Two identical patients. I say we divide 'em up, just like in "The Parent Trap". One goes with the sexy, freewheeling bachelor dad, hello. The other goes with the whiny, neurotic, sexually repressed mom, oh, just you all over. Oh, and I checked tonight's TV listings. There is no special on that disease, so you're gonna wanna stop at the Blockbuster.
J.D.: Please, I know all there is to know about thrombotic thrombo cyto... cytop top top top... toppy... toppy.
Nurse Roberts: Thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura.

Dr. Kelso: Hey ace, your TTP patient coded, I pronounded it.
J.D.: He died?
Dr. Kelso: I certainly hope so, otherwise that autopsy's gonna be a bitch!

---

"Scrubs: My Cold Shower (#6.19)" (2007)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm not upset about Elliot.
Dr. Christopher Turk: You both have had a history together.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You two have had more ups and downs than Ross and Rachel on Friends.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm nothing like Ross.
Dr. Perry Cox: Of course not. You're Rachel, she's Ross.

[at Elliot's proposal party]
J.D.: As I looked at all the relationships around me - some that had gone on forever...
[shot of Perry and Jordan]
J.D.: ...some that were reigniting...
[shot of Carla and Turk]
J.D.: ...and some that had just begun ...
[shot of Elliot and Keith]
J.D.: I realized something.
[cut to J.D. in the shower]
J.D.: It should have been me.

---

"Scrubs: My Transition (#5.24)" (2006)

J.D.: And there it was: the moment where pity was turning in to genuine affection. Classic Dorian.

J.D.: Hey Kim, how'd you like a night into town with the hottest doctor in this place?
Dr. Kim Briggs: I'd rather just go out with you.

---

"Scrubs: My Dream Job (#2.22)" (2003)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Dr. Cox...
Dr. Perry Cox: Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'see ya' then the third word will be 'oh my god, my crotch, you've punched me in the crotch."
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: See ya.

Spence: [to Dr. Cox] Hey, congratulations.
Dr. Perry Cox: For what, jackass?
Spence: You just had a baby.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, no, no, she
[Jordan]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: just had a baby.
Spence: Yeah, but you said it was his. You said something else, too.
Dr. Christopher Turk: That he didn't know it yet.
Spence: That's exactly right!

---

"Scrubs: My First Day (#1.1)" (2001)

J.D.: How's it going?
Janitor: I'm 37 years old and I'm a janitor. How do you think it's going?
J.D.: Now there is nothing wrong with being a janitor.
Janitor: Really? Thank you. You've turned my life around. I have to go tell my janitor wife and all my janitor kids that life is worth living. And that comes straight from our hero, Dr. Whozits, Dr. Nothing. No, seriously, come on. You can come over to my humble house and point out things that are cheap.

---

"Scrubs: My Kingdom (#2.19)" (2003)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [J.D. is hanging from the flagpole by his underwear] Am I the only one they've ever done this to?
Dr. Christopher Turk: No, man, they did this to Frank Fratcherman.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Who's Frank Fratcherman?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Okay, you're the only one.

---

"Scrubs: My Identity Crisis (#7.4)" (2007)

Dr. Christopher Turk: [about Carla's Dream] That is a weird dream.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yeah, I don't even like waterparks... I mean I did 'til someone thought it'd be funny to go down the slide two seconds after me.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, the lifeguard told me to go.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Really? Did he also tell you to take your trunks off, Turk? Because the last thing a guy wants to see when he's in a splash pool is his best friends junk headed towards him at forty miles per hour... felt like I got pistol-whipped!

---

"Scrubs: My Self-Examination (#3.21)" (2004)

J.D.: How does it go? You're out of luck in the soup department?
Larry Thomas the Soup Nazi: No soup for you!

---

"Scrubs: My Lawyer's in Love (#8.8)" (2009)

Ted Buckland: [singing "Don't Fear the Reaper" with a cappella band]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] As wrong as it was to serenade sick kids about the upside of death, it was perfect for my walk to Dr Cox's office.

---

"Scrubs: My Sacrificial Clam (#1.21)" (2002)

J.D.: [JD walks into a room with a chart and starts talking to his four patients] Alrighty, what do we have here?
Dr. Douglas: What you've got here young man are four cases of Legionnaires pneumonia.
Dr. Lamar: So I would start us out on IV aminoglycosides.
Dr. Bailey: And make sure you check for urinary legionella antigen.
Dr. Franklyn: I don't know it could be viral considering my gastrointestinal situation.
Dr. Bailey: Here comes the fart joke.
Dr. Franklyn: No no no, really, I think I could have strep/numo.
Dr. Douglas: All four of us are doctors.
J.D.: Let me guess, golf cart accident?

---

"Scrubs: My Bright Idea (#5.16)" (2006)

Elliot: Can't we just go home, put on our pj's and watch "Grey's Anatomy?"
J.D.: I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and just put them on TV.

---

"Scrubs: My Buddy's Booty (#5.11)" (2006)

Elliot: J.D. can't we just go home, put on our pjs and watch Grey's Anatomy.
J.D.: Oh, how I do love that show. It is like they have been watching our lives, and put it on tv.

---

"Scrubs: My Dumb Luck (#7.9)" (2008)

Ted: [Seeing Turk and J.D. hug] I need one of those.
J.D.: A hug?
Ted: No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.
Turk: I should be offended, but he's right.

---

"Scrubs: My Bad Too (#7.7)" (2008)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What am I gonna tell Emery? Did you hear the song we wrote? Nurse, do you mind?
[Nurse opens door to Emery's room]
Emery: [singing] Goin' to graduation, I'm goin' to graduation.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: It's called "I'm Going to Graduation," parentheses, "The Graduation Song."

---

"Scrubs: My New Coat (#2.5)" (2002)

Ted: Is my birthday.
J.D.: What?
Ted: Nothing

---

"Scrubs: My Therapeutic Month (#6.10)" (2007)

Dr. Christopher Turk: [while in J.D.'s new apartment]
[looks up at the ceiling fan]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Awesome ceiling fan.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: [switches to Turk getting a cast on his arm back at Sacred Heart] What happened? Is everything all right?
Dr. Christopher Turk: It was a TOTALLY un-avoidable accident!
Dr. Christopher Turk: [J.D. does his thing when he looks up to a flashback]
[turk is playing the classic hand game while sticking his hands in between the blades of the fan]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Check out the cool moves!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's awesome!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You wanna see awesome? Turn it up!
[J.D. turns around to turn up the fan, and then a loud thud is heard and he sees Turk is stuck on the blades and is flying around the room]
Dr. Christopher Turk: Whoa! Turn it off!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [switch falls off] This thing came off!
Dr. Christopher Turk: AUGHHHHHH!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [switch back to present] He was a beautiful black blur.

---

"Scrubs: My Way or the Highway (#1.20)" (2002)

J.D.: Hello, Benedict.
Chris Turk: What?
J.D.: Benedict Arnold!
Chris Turk: That has got to be the lamest smack talk I have ever heard.
J.D.: Well the redcoats didn't think so!
Patient: You just went colonial on his ass!

---

"Scrubs: My Common Enemy (#4.7)" (2004)

J.D.: Mmm, mulattos.
Carla: They're Milanos, you idiot.
J.D.: I always thought that was a little racist for a cookie.

---

"Scrubs: My Long Goodbye (#6.15)" (2007)

Dr. Elliot Reid: Somebody just had a baby...
Dr. Perry Cox: How do you know?
Dr. Elliot Reid: My uterus is glowing.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: My mom had a uterus... I lived in it..

---

"Scrubs: My Two Dads (#1.5)" (2001)

J.D.: Nah, this is my roommate's badge, so we must have switched them this morning when we...
Dr. Kelso: That's a great anecdote, you should write that down in your journal so your kids can read it when you're dead.

---

"Scrubs: My Tormented Mentor (#3.15)" (2004)

Maddie: Does this bra make my boobs look fake?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: ...No.
Maddie: Damn.
Maddie: [Turns to Allison] You wanna switch?
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: No! No switchies! I think we should all be happy with the bras God gave us.

---

"Scrubs: My Comedy Show (#8.10)" (2009)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Face it, Turk. It's a bro-mance.

---

"Scrubs: My Extra Mile (#5.15)" (2006)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Sometimes you've got to go the extra mile with patients. That's what makes me such a special doctor.
Dr. Perry Cox: That and your amazing ability to switch back and forth, seamlessly, between male and female genitalia.

---

"Scrubs: His Story (#2.15)" (2003)

Dr. Perry Cox: [rapidly] Kelso asked me to give him a physical. I did it and he said "thank you" and told me he owed me one.
Dr. Gross: You actually made a decision that benefited you personally and professionally?
Dr. Perry Cox: Well, a resident kind of talked me into it.
Dr. Gross: Come on, you're telling me that you actually took the advice of another human being?
[Cox nods]
Dr. Gross: This is a great moment for me.
Dr. Perry Cox: Congratulations.
Dr. Gross: Thank you. And Perry, if there's someone in your life at that hell hole of a hospital who you actually listen to, you should do everything in your power to keep them around, because that person is nothing short of a genius.
[cuts to J.D. in elevator]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [sings] Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting!

---

"Scrubs: My Philosophy (#2.13)" (2003)

Elaine: [discussing death with J.D.] I really hope it's like a big Broadway musical... Everyone's all dressed up and singing to the rafters, and you go out with a real flourish.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I think it's like a game of dodgeball. There's a lot of chaos and screaming and... you know, eventually you get your glasses snapped by the big kid who already has under-arm hair.... But then you wake up in the hot nurse's office, and when she leans in to put that bandage on your nose you get the sense that something could happen if you just took a chance and buried your face in her knockers....
Dr. Perry Cox: [shaking his head] Holy cow! I'm so sorry... For my part, I think death is a lot like that story, quite frankly. But, if there is a God, it'll be a lot quicker and half as painful.

---

"Scrubs: My Journey (#3.2)" (2003)

Elliot: Oh, so you've never dreamed about your wedding day?
Priest: [in J.D.'s daydream] Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?
Maureen McCormick: My name is Maureen McCormick.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Marcia, please.

---

"Scrubs: My Fishbowl (#6.12)" (2007)

Dr. Perry Cox: [Carla tells bad joke] You would hear crickets chirping, but they were too uncomfortable at just how unfunny that actually was.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: So what, I'm not funny?
Dr. Perry Cox: Why I think you're very funny... WHEN you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse. You know, as long as you stay right in you wheel house.
[Dr. Cox begins walking through the room]
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck; your husband does it when he's sarcastic.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Ya know, I do what I do when I do what I do.
Dr. Perry Cox: The Janitor is amusing because quite frankly he's insane
The Janitor: [walks by with tiny boots that look like they are for a baby on his hands] I made shoes for my bunny.
Dr. Perry Cox: [walks over the J.D] And Alice here, well she can turn a phrase. and I'm assuming because I called you Alice you're thinking of me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
[Dr. Cox appears as Alice from the Brady Bunch then looks at J.D]
Dr. Perry Cox: Aren't ya?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: He was.
Dr. Perry Cox: Now some people just have funny names, for instance, Dr. Beardface, Dr. McHead, Colonel Doctor, and of course Snoop Dogg intern.
Snoop Dogg Intern: [grabs his white coat] Hey, Hey.
Dr. Perry Cox: My bad, Snoop Dogg resident. The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God, which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the Hospital Sad sack.
Ted Buckland: I am?
Dr. Perry Cox: Yes Ted.
Ted Buckland: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Dr. Perry Cox: And me I'm just funny because I commit C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T...
[makes the notion of sipping tea]
Dr. Perry Cox: -TEA. And I also do silly rants. But there is just one man who is funny, no matter what he says.
Dr. Bob Kelso: [Kelso enters] Are my undergarments made of wool because my WEASLES getting heat stroke?
Dr. Perry Cox: The point is please don't tell anymore jokes.
Ted Buckland: I'm not a sadsack am I?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ted, your pen exploded!
Ted Buckland: [looks at his shirt with a large blue stain on it] Awwwwww
[looks at is blue hand on his head]
Ted Buckland: AWWWWWWWWW!

---

"Scrubs: My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby (#6.2)" (2006)

J.D.: Should I get a baby too?
Turk: I'm a little preoccupied right now. Why don't you ask your unicorn?
J.D.: Ah, this is way over Justin's head... he's never been in love. Not real love, anyway...

---

"Scrubs: Our Histories (#9.4)" (2009)

Dr. Cox: [J.D. and Turk are dancing in costumes. Dr. Cox stares interested. When they stop] Please tell me this is just an intermission, 'cause I don't want this show to ever end.
J.D.: Why are you here, Perry?
Dr. Cox: To laugh, to cry, to cry from laughing, but mostly to laugh at two desperate guys on an iceslide to an irralivant middle age.
J.D.: Well, not only have we been lettin' them know...
[turns to turk]
J.D.: Is that the right expression?
Turk: [mumbling to J.D] Yeah that's right, lettin' them know.
J.D.: [to dr. Cox again] we've been lettin' them know, by doing the cabbage patch, the running man and the capoera.
Turk: That's right, that's brazzilian dance fight! In your face.
Dr. Cox: [looking around] Where's the jackass?
[whissles for attention]
Dr. Cox: Jackass! Come!
Cole Aaronson: What up?
Dr. Cox: Now you are the host of this party and to some extend the voice of your generation and while I sadly acknowledge that heralds the coming apocalypse I do value your opinion on one thing in particular.
Cole Aaronson: Woaw... You're like shakespear, jo.
Dr. Cox: I am. I am like shakespear, jo. Now look around the room really quick and tell me the five lamest people that you see. Feel free to start with me.
Cole Aaronson: [points at dr. Cox] One: old.
[points at Ted]
Cole Aaronson: two: bald and shiney.
[points at Kelso]
Cole Aaronson: three: Superold.
[points at security guard]
Cole Aaronson: four: checked out my jug at the urinal. and...
[points at unknown guy]
Cole Aaronson: five: as weird junk, number four told me.
Turk: We didn't make the list.
J.D.: Nope, we didn't.
Turk: You've just been served.
J.D.: Yeah and you know what? We're going to rub it in your face a little bit by doing some brazilian fight dancing. Five, six, seven, eight
[start dancing and J.D. kicks Turk accidentically in the face and Turk falls down]
Dr. Cox: That was outstanding!
J.D.: [voice over] Sometimes reality takes the form of a kick to the head...
Cole Aaronson: SOrry bros. You've just been brougt to the numbers one and two of my lame-list.
J.D.: Why I think Turk should be numer one cause he appears to be bleeding.
[while Dr. Cox makes a photo of Turk lying there you hear J.D. his voice]
J.D.: ... Other times it gets right up in your grill.

---

"Scrubs: My Words of Wisdom (#6.16)" (2007)

J.D.: Oh, you're deaf.
[to the kid]
J.D.: Will you help me communicate with your dad? Oh, you're deaf too. What are the odds...I'm a doctor, I should probably know that.

---

"Scrubs: My Porcelain God (#3.13)" (2004)

Dr. Kevin Casey: Do you plunder?
J.D.: I have been known to plunder...

---

"Scrubs: My No Good Reason (#6.14)" (2007)

Chad Miller: You remember Kristin Fisher?
J.D.: Of course, she turned me down for homecoming and prom even though I didn't ask her to either one

---

"Scrubs: My Moment of Un-Truth (#3.17)" (2004)

Turk: So I am supposed to marry someone who's gonna bust my chops everytime I look at a woman for the rest of my life?
J.D.: Well, I wouldn't put it that way in your vows.

---

"Scrubs: My Absence (#8.9)" (2009)

Dr. Perry Cox: ...And that, Dorian, is what I think of you as a person.
[Hands Elliot back her cell phone]
Dr. Elliot Reid: That sounded harsh. Are you okay?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [On speakerphone, crying] No!

---

"Scrubs: My Fault (#3.20)" (2004)

Sean Kelly: Its just it's so hard to make myself look for an apartment when I'm sharing my bed with the most beautiful girl in the world.
J.D.: really? What's his name?
J.D.: [thinking] that made absolutely no sense. So just keep sipping!

---

"Scrubs: My Nickname (#1.10)" (2001)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] Okay, the only way to avoid the high-five with Todd is not to say anything that he can connect to sex.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: How you doin'?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [makes a side-to-side "so-so" motion with his hand]
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Dude; that's totally how my car was rockin' when I took this girl out last night.
[makes the same gesture but adds a squeaking sound effect]
Dr. Todd Quinlan: Am I right?
[throws his hand up]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ahh, he earned it.
[holds his hand out]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: *whack*

---

"Scrubs: My Best Friend's Wedding (#3.22)" (2004)

J.D.: See, Turk and I made a pact. The day that one of us got married we'd play a last round of tennis-golf in the parking lot as single best friends. Oh, yeah, and the guy getting married has to caddy for the other guy naked

---

"Scrubs: My Scrubs (#6.13)" (2007)

Dr. Cox: [speaking to Elliot] Nothing ever changes. The Artist Formerly Known As Prince is still just Prince. My ex-wife is still pretty much my wife. Grey's Anatomy always wraps up every episode with some cheesy voice over that ties together all of the story lines; which incidentally is my least favorite device on television. Newbie continually will try to violate my "No Touching" policy
[looks around for J.D]
Dr. Cox: ... Uh huh! And republicans will forever try to raise...
J.D.: [comes out of no where & hugs Dr.Cox] Sneak hug!
[runs off]
Dr. Cox: ...Of course I would go kill him right now, but he actually just helped to prove my point!

---

"Scrubs: My Own Worst Enemy (#7.1)" (2007)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What is wrong with me?
Dr.Perry Cox: You're an annoying, whiny man-child.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That question wasn't directed at you!
Dr.Perry Cox: What question?

---

"Scrubs: My Drug Buddy (#1.14)" (2002)

Dr. Elliot Reid: Never did sleep with her, did you?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No. But why does that matter?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Because I was jealous.

---

"Scrubs: My First Step (#2.7)" (2002)

Elliot: I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should send her to surgery.
J.D.: No, don't send her to surgery. I'll tell you what to do. You wait and see. And I know I'm right 'cause I'm a wait-and-see kinda guy. You know Elliot in modern medicine we're faced with tough decisions almost everyday...
Elliot: You're amazing.
J.D.: Well, amazing's sort of a strong word, I just show up and let the lord work through me.
Elliot: You actually think you're a better doctor than me.

---

"Scrubs: My Clean Break (#3.11)" (2004)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Turk... we tried Giant Black Guy. Remember what happened? People ran.

---

"Scrubs: My Fifteen Seconds (#3.7)" (2003)

Dr. Cox: Look, Tammy, as far as your love life goes, normally I couldn't care less who's laying your quivering body down by the fire while your lips whisper "No, no... no" but your eyes scream, "Yes. Yes. Oh, big daddy, yes!" But when you're dating Jordan's sissy-poo, it forces me to spend time with you outside of the hospital, and I just won't have that. So, shhhere's the deal: Don't want to have dinner with you. Don't want to go bowling with you. And I never, ever again want to walk into my kitchen and hear you say,
[singing]
Dr. Cox: "Ohh, it's waffle time! It's waffle time! Won't you have some waffles of mine?"
J.D.: [joining in] "... waffles of mine..."
Dr. Cox: Bottom line. We'll be bestest friends foreverest if you just keep your face out of my face. Uh-huh.

---

"Scrubs: My Sex Buddy (#2.11)" (2003)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating, walking on a hallway with Turk, approaching Elliot] OK, just give her a casual nod. You don't wan't turk to know what's going on.
Turk: [they walk past Elliot uneventfully] Dude, you're totally hitting that!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: How do you do that?
Turk: It's a gift. Now you remember what happened last time you two got together, right?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh relax, man. We're just having some fun.
Turk: What, you guys are sex buddies or something?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [J.D. imagines a fanfare] Fo'shizzle.

---

"Scrubs: My Urologist (#5.23)" (2006)

J.D.: [calling out to Dr. Kim, who he is disappointed to learn wears her wedding ring] Kim, wait! I know I can't make you mine, unless I make you mine...
J.D.: [reveals his vampire teeth and bites in Dr. Kim's neck a la Dr. Acula] ... for eternity!
Dr. Kim Briggs: Dr. Acula! Don't... stop!

---

"Scrubs: My Student (#1.17)" (2002)

J.D.: [narration] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the only thing to do is to think of someone that I look up to and remember how they first got through to me.
[Dr. Cox coming around the corner, approaches J.D]
Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it. I'll tackle that one right upstairs
[points to his head]
Dr. Cox: . In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work. And right about now, even though you don't have your basket, oh it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley.
[J.D. walks away slowly]
Dr. Cox: Skip away, skip away, skip away
[J.D. skips a little]
Dr. Cox: , skip, skip, skip to my lou, whoo hoo!

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"Scrubs: My Karma (#2.16)" (2003)

Dr. Cox: [Jordan has just told J.D. that Dr. Cox is the father of her child] What are you two talking about?
J.D.: Apartheid.
Jordan: It's wrong.

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"Scrubs: My Hard Labor (#7.2)" (2007)

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: My last few days have all started the same. Saying this to Kim: "You're amazing." And then whispering "I love you" to our baby and hoping Kim wasn't wondering why I hadn't said the same thing to her.

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"Scrubs: My Boss's Free Haircut (#4.20)" (2005)

J.D.: Why can't Carla just let this go?
Elliot: Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his exgirlfriend?
J.D.: Yeah, but mostly because I had a husband

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"Scrubs: My Old Man (#1.19)" (2002)

Dr. Kelso: Are you an idiot?
J.D.: No, sir, I'm a dreamer.

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"Scrubs: My Big Move (#4.22)" (2005)

Dr. Christopher Turk: You kissed my wife!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [J.D.'s narration] I miss the silence.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Did you like it?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Well that's kind of a trick question, Turk. I mean if I say yes, it's like I'm saying: damn dude, your wife is hot & I'd like to get me some of that. But if I say no then I'm all like: yo, I know she's your wife but you can keep that fish-lipped bitty.

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