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Quotes for
Col. Samuel Flagg (Character)
from "M*A*S*H" (1972)

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"M*A*S*H: The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan (#5.6)" (1976)
Colonel Flagg: I have no home. I am the wind.
Hawkeye: [to BJ] I told you he was the wind. You said he was the stars.
B.J.: No, I said he was the moon.

Colonel Flagg: If it weren't for war you wouldn't know what peace is.
B.J.: He's got a point there.
Hawkeye: Yeah, it's under his hat.

Colonel Flagg: Have you ever heard of Malaysian Chest Implosion Torture?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [intimidated] No.
Colonel Flagg: Good. It hasn't been invented... yet.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: Why are you dressed like an Italian usher?
Colonel Flagg: Can you keep a secret?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I'd like to think so.
Colonel Flagg: I'm disguised as Ling Chow. A Chinese double agent.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Funny, you don't look Chinese.
Colonel Flagg: Neither would Ling Chow if he was dressed like this. You follow?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: As far as I'd like to.
Colonel Flagg: I'm off.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I couldn't have said it better myself.

Colonel Flagg: If you don't close your eyes, I won't leave.
[everyone closes and covers their eyes]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Bye!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: See ya!

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I've been sitting here a long time and now I'd like to say something.
Colonel Flagg: What is it?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Good bye.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [about Flagg's plan] Why don't you just drop an atomic bomb.
Colonel Flagg: Hey, don't try to make friends with me.

Colonel Flagg: That's insubordination. You do that to me one more time and I'm entitled to...
[checks his notebook]
Colonel Flagg: bite off your left ear.

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [on the phone] I gotta go, Sparky. Col. Flagg just walked in.
Colonel Flagg: Alright, what tipped you off?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well you don't look anything like you sir. And since you're a master of disguise I figured you were the only one who could look so much not like you, sir.
Colonel Flagg: I'll buy that.

Colonel Flagg: [after Frank Burns pats his shoulder] My father touched me that way once. To this day he still has to wear orthopedic shirts.

Colonel Flagg: This won't look good on your record.
Frank Burns: But Colonel, it's just Reader's Digest.
Colonel Flagg: Not if you eliminate the third, fifth, and sixth letters, then it's Red's Digest, comrade.

Colonel Flagg: I can find anything.
Hawkeye: Can you find my virginity? I lost it twenty years ago and haven't seen it since.

Colonel Flagg: Listen, Pinko. You're my prime suspect. Isn't it true that you had a torrid relationship with Major Houlihan?
Maj. Frank Burns: No, Sir.
Colonel Flagg: You wanna see the films?
Maj. Frank Burns: Films?
Hawkeye: I'll get the popcorn.

Colonel Flagg: You were insanely jealous of her engagement. You were furious at being rejected. You were capable of murder!
Hawkeye: That's right! So you hit her over the head with a blunt instrument.
B.J.: A saxophone.
Hawkeye: Then you hypnotized her and told her she was Johnny Ray.
B.J.: Then you performed plastic surgery on her, made her look like Johnny.
Hawkeye: The rest is obvious. You stuck her in a trunk, you mailed her to Las Vegas, and now she's doing two shows a night at The Sands.
B.J.: Three on Saturdays.
Colonel Flagg: There's only one flaw in that theory.
Hawkeye: Only one?
Colonel Flagg: They don't do three shows a night on Saturday at The Sands.
Hawkeye: How do you know?
Colonel Flagg: I was a showgirl for six weeks.

Colonel Flagg: Alert the Navy for offshore artillery. I want a squadron of copters for air-to-ground search and, uh, round up a box of scorpions. About a dozen.
Radar: You mean, uh, scorpions scorpions?
Colonel Flagg: Big ones.
Hawkeye: What the hell are you gonna do with a box of scorpions?
Colonel Flagg: It's personal. Gift for a friend.
[Radar begins to leave]
Colonel Flagg: Corporal. If you can't find scorpions, get two snakes and a rat.
Radar: And a rat. Right, right.

"M*A*S*H: Rally 'Round the Flagg, Boys (#7.21)" (1979)
Colonel Flagg: Nobody leaves till I do and I never do.

Colonel Flagg: You took a yellow red before a white American. That's pretty pinko.
Hawkeye: You're even boring in Technicolor.

Colonel Flagg: [to Colonel Potter] Let's talk about your camp. And don't play dumb, you're not as good at it as I am.

Colonel Flagg: [cornering Hawkeye] Your butt is in my sling.
Hawkeye: Take me I'm yours.
Colonel Flagg: I knew it, you're one of those too.

Colonel Flagg: [instructing his MPs] Arrest everyone who goes into that tent; except us.

Colonel Flagg: I never make little mistakes.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Colonel, we would all appreciate it, if you just stuck to thumb screws.
["finding" a piece of paper under a petient's pillow]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Hello, what is this?
Colonel Flagg: [snatching the paper from Charles] It's for me. Whatever it is.
[opens the paper]
Colonel Flagg: A diagram of a camp.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Looks like this camp.
Colonel Flagg: [thoughtfully] Looks like this camp.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: There's a circle around my quarters.
Colonel Flagg: Pierce's quarters. This circle in the corner with two arrows.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: A clock.
Colonel Flagg: [as if the thought just occurred to him] A clock.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: 10 o'clock.
Colonel Flagg: [realizing] 10 o'clock. So a secret rendezvous...

Father Mulcahy: Oh my Lord!
Colonel Flagg: Nice cover, but who are you really?

[bursting in on a game of Bridge]
Colonel Flagg: All right, cards up and drop those hands!

Colonel Flagg: Do you believe that I can break your leg with this finger?

Colonel Flagg: [holding up a finger] Do you believe that I can break you leg with this finger?
Charles: [stammering] Strangely enough, I-I-I-I do.

"M*A*S*H: Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler (#4.9)" (1975)
Colonel Flagg: Now I'm blowing the whistle on you, Freedman.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Blow away.
Colonel Flagg: Col. Potter, this man, this American, never signed his Officer's Loyalty Oath. And I intend to see that he's be thrown out of the service.
Hawkeye: Very smart, Sidney.
B.J.: Where do we go to not sign?

Colonel Flagg: Hey, you!
Klinger: What?
Colonel Flagg: This is the army, soldier!
Klinger: I get that feeling too!
Colonel Flagg: Hey!
Klinger: What?
Colonel Flagg: The next time I see you, Tinker Bell, you'd better be in uniform and as GI as General MacArthur! You hear me?
Klinger: Loud and clear, Mary.

Colonel Flagg: You're dumb Freedman, very dumb, but you've met your match in me!

Colonel Flagg: Doctor Freedman
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Yes?
Colonel Flagg: I'm Colonel Flagg, we played poker together once.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Ah yes, with Intelligence right?
Colonel Flagg: I have nothing to do with intelligence.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Even better, you won't get worry lines.

Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: You can put a lid on this guessing game. As it happens, I know who our friend with the Messiah complex really is.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Oh, I knew you'd get to the bottom of this.
Colonel Flagg: All it takes is the right man with a shovel - who knows where to dig.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Couldn't ask for a better man.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Or a bigger shovel.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I'll be grateful to you colonel, if you'd clear this matter up.
Hawkeye: Without taking hostages, if possible.
[Turns to BJ]
Hawkeye: Colonel Flagg's over here to keep safe from democracy.
Hawkeye: Can it, Pearce.
Colonel Flagg: Still a cutie-pie, ain't ya.
Hawkeye: Well, some guys have got it.

"M*A*S*H: Deal Me Out (#2.13)" (1973)
Army Capt. Halloran: [sitting down beside Cpl. Klinger, and seeing him in drag for the first time] Hey... Up close, you're a guy!
Cpl. Klinger: Far away too.

Army Capt. Halloran: What was that?
Maj. Frank Burns: He's pretending to be violent.
Army Capt. Halloran: Good imitation.

Army Capt. Halloran: [about Klinger] What about her?
Capt. Sam Pak: She's my wife.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Interesting joke, Sam.
Capt. Sam Pak: Thanks for seeing me, Sidney.

Army Capt. Halloran: One bullet. That's all I need.
Hawkeye: Ok, one bullet. Just don't use the gun.

Radar: Sir?
Hawkeye, Dr. Sidney Freedman, Army Capt. Halloran, Trapper, Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yes?
Radar: Colonel sir?

"M*A*S*H: A Smattering of Intelligence (#2.24)" (1974)
Col. Samuel Flagg: Now read that back to me.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [reading dictation] Uh... Mary had a little lamb. Stop.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: My dog has fleas. Stop.
Col. Samuel Flagg: OK, continue. Mares-eat-oats and does-eat-oats, and I'll be home for Christmas. Signed
Col. Samuel Flagg: Your loving son
Col. Samuel Flagg: Queen Victoria.

Col. Samuel Flagg: I have enough pictures of your file to have you executed for the rest of your life.

Col. Samuel Flagg: Colonel, what's your clearance?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, I go through the door with about an inch to spare.

Colonel Flagg: What's your clearance?
Henry Blake: Oh, I go through the door with about an inch to spare.
Colonel Flagg: I mean security wise.

"M*A*S*H: White Gold (#3.23)" (1975)
Trapper: You're gonna kill yourself.
Col. Flagg: If I have to.
Trapper: Hey, that's the spirit.
Hawkeye: Yeah, if we had more men like you, we'd have less men like you.

Col. Flagg: [reprimanding Radar for interrupting] Quiet or I'll use you to clean a cannon!

Col. Flagg: I am leaving tomorrow - with the penicillin!
Hawkeye: Over my dead body!
[Col. Flagg stares viciously at Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: Let me put that another way...

"M*A*S*H: Officer of the Day (#3.3)" (1974)
Army Col. Samuel Flagg: [trying to track down his prisoner] I wanna talk to your commanding officer.
Hawkeye: You gonna execute him instead?