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: [to Spearchucker Jones at the football practice
] I had another idea. I think we should have some plays. You know, usually in football you have some organized plays... Spearchucker
: If you don't mind, I took the liberty. Colonel Blake
: Oh, you have... Spearchucker
: I drew up about seven or eight plays. I figure that's about all this bunch can handle. Colonel Blake
: Oh, these are good. These are very good. Uh, what are these little arrows?
: Bastard, 88, called me a coon. Spearchucker
: Called you a what? Cpl. Judson
: Coon. Spearchucker
: OK, that's an old pro trick, to get you thrown out of the ball game. Cpl. Judson
: Well... Spearchucker
: Why don't you do the same thing to him? Cpl. Judson
: What, call him a coon?
: Duke? Duke Forrest
: [in the middle of a brain operation with Spearchucker
] Uh... what is it? Hawkeye Pierce
: Henry's got our orders. We can go home. Duke Forrest
: Right now? Spearchucker
: Anytime! Whenever we want. Spearchucker
: [to Duke
] You mind if we get out of this guy's brain first?
: I want to make sure the oozing is checked before I close up. Duke Forrest
: Damn perfectionist.
: I think it's important we go over the three basic principles: organization, discipline, and team work. Spearchucker
: Excuse me, but do you mind if we limber up first? Colonel Blake
: Oh, th-that's a good idea. You organize that.
: [blows whistle
] Alright, men! we're not here to sell lemonade, we're here to practice. But first, I'd like to officially welcome Spearchucker to our team. It is okay to call you that? Spearchucker
: Call me whatever you want to. Colonel Blake
: Good. Well, I just want you to know that we're all the same here on the playing field. Officers and men alike.
: Good evening. Thank you all for coming. I trust you will forgive me for disturbing you at this late hour, but the time has come to unmask the guilty party - the perpetrator of this bad practical joke. Frank Burns
: We know who the guilty party is.
] Frank Burns
: Why do you let him ... Hawkeye
: Contain yourself, Dr. Burns! Remember the old adage: "Methinks he doth protest too much." Frank Burns
: Who does he think he is? Trapper
: The Thin Man? Hawkeye
: You dislike me enough to wish me transferred to another base - preferably an enemy base. But let us not forget Major Houlihan. Tough, ambitious, yet greasy Major Houlihan. Why think of only one culprit? Why not a pair of sweethearts in crime? Margaret
: You are sick! Hawkeye
: Still, another colleague resents me because of his consistent losses at the gaming tables. Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones
: The man's a fruitcake! Hawkeye
: And yet you, Lieutenant, also had a motive of jealousy, because I share my affections among the ladies. Lt. Barbara Bannerman
: You told me I was the only one - ! Hawkeye
: Ha! Of course, my legendary prowess among the fairer sex was cause for envy on the part of... Dr. McIntyre! Trapper
: Legendary? I've seen you strike out in a geisha house. Hawkeye
: Still, we must remember that the thefts were committed in several places, indicating that the thief had access to the various tents and was perhaps short enough to go unnoticed. There is only one man here short enough to bathe in his own helmet. Right, Radar? Radar
: Me? I'm not short! Hawkeye
] Let us not overlook the possibility of a mastermind who commands others to do his bidding, right, Henry? Henry Blake
: [waking up
] Uhh, sign what, Radar? I'm sorry, Pierce. Uh, it's going very well. Hawkeye
: A most perplexing riddle, calling for the most ingenious of solutions. Thus I made it publicly known that there were fingerprints to be found on the stolen articles, thereby tempting the criminal to repeat his crime, and retrieve his ill-gotten booty - or his ill-booten gotty. Which he has done! However, in so doing, he has exposed himself.
[Frank closes his robe
: Because I took the precaution of treating the stolen articles with hydrochloric-alpha-terracin. Trapper
: What's hydrochloric-alpha-terracin? Hawkeye
: A chemical which is at this moment coloring the culprit's fingernails... blue.
] Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones
: [slapping down a poker discard
] One. Hawkeye
: One? Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones
: One. Hawkeye
: [to Trapper
] Can you believe this guy? He asks for one. Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones
: Will you just deal?
[Spearchucker touches Young Hi's hand to her face, then to his
] Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones
: See, they're the same. Young Hi
: No, not same. Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones
] Why not? Young Hi
: You need shave.
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones
: You know I read that the United Nations came here to liberate Korea, I guess that was a misprint.
[Trapper drives a golf ball, which sets off an explosion in the mine field
] Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre
[Radar stops in mid-football practice to look out over the hills
] Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly
: Here they come! Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones
: I don't hear nothin'. Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly
: Wait for it.