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Quotes for
Maj. Sidney Freedman (Character)
from "M*A*S*H" (1972)

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"M*A*S*H: Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen (#11.16)" (1983)
Dr. Sidney Freedman: You know, I told you people something a long time ago, and it's just as pertinent today as it was then. Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice - pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

Dr. Sidney Freedman: B.J.!
B.J.: Hey, Sid, get your red-hot hot dogs.
Col. Potter: Folks, can I have you attention? I need Captain Hunnicutt. Would the hot dog man please get his buns over here?

Dr. Sidney Freedman: Yesterday, you were going to tell me about that day at the beach.
Hawkeye: It was great, very hot. A lot of people say too much sun is no good for you. And you know, carcinomas can result from that. You know, this of course would concern me as a physician.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'd like to get back to the beach.
Hawkeye: Hey, go ahead, take the rest of the day off.

[there was an Armed Forces Radio broadcast about the war possibly ending very soon]
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Thank you, Dr. Freedman, I won't require your services anymore.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Where are you headed, soldier?
Hawkeye: The war is coming to an end. Everybody's on stage for the finale. If you don't mind, I'd like to exchange my straitjacket for something in a 39 normal. So if you'll call me a taxi, I'll be on my way.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: So hard to find a cab in this part of the war. Besides, I don't think you're quite ready to leave.

[Hawkeye gets a phone call in the psychiatric ward]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Good time as any for a break.
Hawkeye: Yeah, let's knock off till Christmas.

[Hawkeye was telling Dr. Sidney Freedman about what he initially thought was a chicken clucking inside the bus]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Then what happened?
Hawkeye: Then I went back toward the front of the bus.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: And what happened next?
Hawkeye: There's something wrong with it. It stopped making noise. It just--just stopped.
[pauses]
Hawkeye: She-she killed it! She killed it!
Dr. Sidney Freedman: She killed the chicken?
Hawkeye: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I didn't mean for her to kill it.
[sobbing]
Hawkeye: I did not--I--I just wanted it to be quiet. It was--it was a baby! She, she smothered her own baby.
[pauses]
Hawkeye: You son of a bitch, why did you make me remember that?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: You had to get it out in the open. Now we're halfway home.

Hawkeye: Time to hit the couch?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Actually, it may be time to hit the road.

Dr. Sidney Freedman: Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.


"M*A*S*H: Deal Me Out (#2.13)" (1973)
Hawkeye: Okay, moving right along now, dealer's choice, five card stud. Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Sex.
Hawkeye: Why?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I don't know. They told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
Hawkeye: Thank you, doctor.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm taking a five-dollar chip. That was a house call.

Army Capt. Halloran: [about Klinger] What about her?
Capt. Sam Pak: She's my wife.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Interesting joke, Sam.
Capt. Sam Pak: Thanks for seeing me, Sidney.

Hawkeye: [after a patient starts shooting in the compound] Sidney, front and center.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch.

[an angry soldier is firing a weapon in the compound]
Henry Blake: Radar, what's going on?
Radar: It's a patient, sir. He blew his cork.
Hawkeye: Sidney, front and center.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch.

Klinger: ["The Conference" is under way] Five clams.
Trapper: I'm out.
Henry Blake: I'm in.
Hawkeye: I wonder what the chances are of my getting the fifth Jack? Oh well not to worry.
[Calls]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Your five, and up five.
Klinger: That's mean.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm gonna beat the pants off ya, lady.
Trapper: Hey! Where'd we get the kosher salami?
Capt. Sam Pak: I brought it! A little girl I knew at Berkley sent it. She's a yenta now.
Klinger: All right, all right. Here we go. Down and dirty!
[deals the next cards]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: [groaning at his hand] Aiyeeeee!
Hawkeye: What's your problem, poker face?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm "committing suicide."
Henry Blake: Go out in turn, Sidney. Whoops, just found something... but i'll check.
Hawkeye: Hey, I bought the fifth Jack... i'm out.
Klinger: Dealer bets ten bucks!
[tosses in the bet]
Klinger: Colonel?
Henry Blake: [Radar enters behind him trying to get his attention, Blake is fondling his chips] Let's see here.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Fondling your chips is very infantile.
Henry Blake: Not now, Sidney.
Radar: But sir...
Henry Blake: Not now, Radar.
Radar: Yeah, but sir...
Henry Blake: Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more!

Radar: Sir?
Hawkeye, Dr. Sidney Freedman, Army Capt. Halloran, Trapper, Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yes?
Radar: Colonel sir?


"M*A*S*H: Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler (#4.9)" (1975)
Colonel Flagg: Now I'm blowing the whistle on you, Freedman.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Blow away.
Colonel Flagg: Col. Potter, this man, this American, never signed his Officer's Loyalty Oath. And I intend to see that he's be thrown out of the service.
Hawkeye: Very smart, Sidney.
B.J.: Where do we go to not sign?

Colonel Flagg: Doctor Freedman
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Yes?
Colonel Flagg: I'm Colonel Flagg, we played poker together once.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Ah yes, with Intelligence right?
Colonel Flagg: I have nothing to do with intelligence.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Even better, you won't get worry lines.

Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'd like to go on talking to you, Flagg, but with your schizophrenia, I'd have to charge you double time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've already kept Jesus waiting five minutes.

Dr. Sidney Freedman: He's Christ.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: In case you didn't notice, I'm not laughing.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: All right, he's not Christ, but he's not Chandler either.

Dr. Sidney Freedman: Is it true that God answers all prayers?
Captain Chandler: Yes. Sometimes the answer is "no".


"M*A*S*H: War of Nerves (#6.4)" (1977)
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Psst... psst!
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Did you want to see me, or have you sprung a leak?
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't want to go into your tent 'cause I was afraid somebody might think I was crazy.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: What can I do for you?
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: I think I'm goin' crazy.

Maxwell Klinger: Can I talk to you, Major? I hear you got your shingle out.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: I realize I've only told you about a hundred and twelve times, but I can't help you with the Section Eight routine.
Maxwell Klinger: Oh, I don't wanna talk about getting out. I wanna talk about being crazy.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Well, this is a novel approach. Go on.
Maxwell Klinger: No, I mean it. I'm afraid I'm going crazy. You want me to lie down?
Maj. Sidney Freedman: What's the problem?
Maxwell Klinger: Well, I look at myself in the mirror lately, and I see this guy in earrings, pillbox hat, veil, maybe a little choker of pearls. And I ask myself..."Would a sane man dress like this?" I'm trying' to convince them, and I'm convincing myself.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: You're actually worried?
Maxwell Klinger: Major, I think I'm really goin' nuts.

Maj. Sidney Freedman: Klinger, let me ask you something. Why do you want to get out of here?
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Why? Well there's, there's lots of reasons. I guess death tops the list. I don't wanna die. And I don't wanna look at other people while they do it. And I don't wanna be told where to stand while it happens to me. And I don't wanna be told how to do it to somebody else. And I ain't gonna, period, that's it, I'm gettin' out.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: You don't like death.
Maxwell Klinger: Overall, I'd rather lay in a hammock with a couple of girls than be dead. Yes.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Listen, Klinger. You're not crazy.
Maxwell Klinger: I'm not? Really?
Maj. Sidney Freedman: You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size twelve pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoopskirts right behind you.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [after stopping people from burning a number of items] You see how loony they're getting?
Maj. Sidney Freedman: You know, this may be just what they need.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Major, when people are suffering from overwork, do you usually prescribe arson? Because if you do, I'm gonna take another look under that bandage.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Look, Colonel, they don't want to burn the whole camp, just carefully selected bits of it. Actually, it's a pretty controlled response to this place. They might actually have found themselves that pressure valve you're looking for.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [addressing the crowd] All right, let me have your attention. I am reversing my previous order. You are hereby directed to assemble one regulation, bon-type fire.


"M*A*S*H: Bless You Hawkeye (#9.17)" (1981)
Hawkeye: I put my fishing rod down on this blue... wooden seat in the middle of this boat... and I stood up to get some more bait. Then I went into the water. I remember there was laughing right before I went in, and then I didn't hear anything, and then I couldn't hear anything, I couldn't see anything, there was just... all this water. And I remember, I tried to scream and nothing came out. Then this hand came down, grabbed my collar and yanked me out.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: But how did you get INTO the water?
Hawkeye: I stood up...
[beginning to grown tense]
Hawkeye: ... And he was just kidding around...
[emotions swill and finally peak]
Hawkeye: HE PUSHED ME!
[sobs loudly]
Hawkeye: AAAH-HAAAAH! WHY'D HE DO THAT? I LOVED HIM! I LOVED HIM! I HATED HIM! WHY'D HE PUSH ME? I got back in the boat, and he said to me, "you're so clumsy. If it wasn't for me, you'd be dead." And I thanked him. He pushed me into the water, and I hated him so much for that, and all I could do was thank him.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Why couldn't you say you hated him?
Hawkeye: I couldn't. I couldn't even think it. I loved him!

Maj. Sidney Freedman: [looking through a patient's belongings] His uniform isn't in here, where is it?
Father Francis Mulcahy: We had to burn it. We'll issue him a new one, he came in infested with lice.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: [pulls his hands back, looks in another patient's box] There's no uniform in here either, is there a lice epidemic?

Hawkeye: Here we are in the middle of all this shooting, and I get laid up because of something that happened to me when I was seven.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Oh sure, it's the little battlefields, a pond, the bedrooms, the school yard, that leave the biggest scars.

Hawkeye: Do you hear that?
Maj. Sidney Freedman: I don't hear anything.
Hawkeye: That's just it. I've stopped sneezing.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: It's a nice sound.


"M*A*S*H: Pressure Points (#10.15)" (1982)
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Did you bump into anyone else?
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Just Larry, Moe and Curly over in the Swamp.

Maj. Sidney Freedman: Major, I've never seen you in your summer uniform.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: This is the real me
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Sorry to hear that.

Maj. Sidney Freedman: [waking up to the sounds of BJ and Hawkeye yelling at Charles] I don't believe it; this is where we said goodnight!


"M*A*S*H: Dear Sigmund (#5.7)" (1976)
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Anger turned inwards is depression. Anger turned sideways... is Hawkeye.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We couldn't help but notice that you came for the poker game and stayed two weeks.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Well, I just wanted a little vacation.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Sydney, Venice is a vacation. The Swiss Alps is a vacation. This is a fungus convention in Atlantic City.


"M*A*S*H: Hawk's Nightmare (#5.13)" (1976)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They tell me I've been playing a mean game of zombie basketball.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: They tell me you're worried you're losing your marbles.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [applauds] Well done.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: For my next trick, I will invent sibling rivalry.

Dr. Sidney Freedman: So you're been walking in your sleep. What do you think it means?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm walking, I'm, uh, uh... I'm walking towards something. I'm walking away from something.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Mm-hmm.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm trying to escape.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: In other words, you go to sleep, your subconscious takes a little walk and brings your body along for company.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, well, I don't seem to be getting very far.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: You're making it all the way back to Crabapple Cove. All the way back to a time when playing ball and shooting marbles and going on picnics were all there was to worry about.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: No more responsibility. No more life and death decisions.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: And pain was a skinned knee.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What about my nightmares?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: What about them?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I keep having these dreams about these... these kids I grew up with. And I... The - The dreams start out okay. The kids are fine. And then they end in disaster.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Like those kids who roll past you on that bloody assembly line. You dream to escape, but the war invades your dream, and you wake up screaming. The dream is peaceful. Reality is the nightmare.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Am I crazy, Sidney?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: [scoff] NO. A bit confused, a little "furshimmeled" is all. Actually, Hawkeye, you're probably the sanest person I've ever known. The fact is, if you were crazy, you'd sleep like a baby.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: So when do my nightmares end?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: When this big one ends, most of the others should go away. But there's a lot of suffering going on here, Hawkeye, and you can't avoid it. You can't even dream it away.


"M*A*S*H: O.R. (#3.5)" (1974)
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.


"M*A*S*H: Radar's Report (#2.3)" (1973)
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Corporal Klinger, this is Major Freedman, divisional psychiatrist.
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Major sir!
[curtsies wearing a frilly pink dress]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: You got me up here to ask me about him? About that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yeah well, you see, it really wasn't my idea.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: All the way from Seoul to ask me what? Whether he needs a girdle under that? Whether his seams are straight?... OK, OK. It's all part of the war, I guess.
[picks up a clipboard and looks at Klinger]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I have a few questions to ask you. Sit down, soldier.
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes sir!
[runs over to the chair. Freedman takes his time filling out the first part of his report]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Now, what's your name, honey?