Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' O'Houlihan
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Quotes for
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' O'Houlihan (Character)
from MASH (1970)

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"M*A*S*H: Hot Lips and Empty Arms (#2.14)" (1973)
Margaret: Colonel, I want a transfer.
Hawkeye: No transfers are issued until the camp comes to a full stop.
Trapper: And watch your step getting off.
Margaret: And these two are at the top of my list!
Hawkeye: Hey, we finished first and second.
Margaret: They've totally destroyed my authority with the nursing staff; they have made a mockery of my majority!
Hawkeye: What do you know? We're major mockers.
Henry Blake: Simmer down, Pierce. That's an order.
Margaret: [scoffs] An order? Why don't you stop masquerading as a commanding officer? You're nothing but a spineless, mealymouthed, fly-fishing impostor!
Trapper: He's not an impostor.
Hawkeye: Right. He's a *genuine* spineless, mealymouthed fly-fisher.

Margaret: Colonel, I am requesting that you officially and formally approve my transfer.
Henry Blake: Look, I am glad this has come up. Now, I want you two guys to straighten up and fly right. I want you to accord Major Houlihan the courtesy and respect accordable to someone who has achieved her high rank and sex.
Margaret: I am not looking for a truce with these two shower-tent peekers!
Trapper: You peek into one shower and you're labeled for life.

Margaret: [very drunk] Oh. Corporal. I wonder if I can see Colonel Blake?
[She looks around, confused, then jogs away]
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I wonder if you can, too.
[Margaret drunkenly jogs up to Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry Blake, stopping directly in front of Henry]
Margaret: [saluting] Major Margon Houlihat reporting for duty, sir.
Henry Blake: Aw boy, drunk as a skunk.
Trapper: She's tanked.
Hawkeye: A fine time to make a drinking debut.
Margaret: Where are the casualties, sir?
Henry Blake: Now, just hold your horses. They're not even here yet.
Margaret: Well, then, let's go get 'em, sir. I'll drive!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh]
Henry Blake: Major? Major, dear, you're drunk.
Margaret: Oh, I'm not so think as you drunk I am!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh some more]
Henry Blake: Uh, you'd better go to your tent, Major.
Margaret: I can't operate in my tent!
Trapper: [still laughing] You're doing okay so far!
Margaret: Aah, go salute yourself!

Margaret: Colonel, I just wanted you to know that I was preparing my final report before I go, which I haven't done yet.
[she walks up to Henry's liquor cabinet and finds it locked]
Margaret: Uh, how do you get into this thing?
Henry Blake: Is there something you want?
Margaret: I thought a little farewell drink - Major, Colonel.
Henry Blake: Looks like you've already been dipping your bill. You sure you won't reconsider, major?
Margaret: No, I've thought it over, and I definitely would like another drink.
Henry Blake: Okay. Scotch and water okay?
Margaret: That's fine. Oh, you can skip the water.
Henry Blake: Oo-kay.
Margaret: [mimicking Henry] Oo-kay.
Henry Blake: [pouring drinks] You know, Major, you're making a mistake. This outfit may be a bit of a booby hatch, but, uh, we do awful good work together.
Margaret: Yeah, I can't fight you there.
Henry Blake: Cheers.
[they toast and drink]
Margaret: I need army discipline. I need a sense of order. Can't you understand that, Colonel?
Henry Blake: Why don't you call me Henry, for Pete's sake?
Margaret: That's really swell of you, Pete.
Henry Blake: [sitting down] Excuse me.
Margaret: Do you know that you look just like my father before he died?
Henry Blake: Oh, uh, a lot of people have said that.
Margaret: [pouring another drink] It's funny how you only get to know people after they're gone. I feel real close to you right now.
Henry Blake: Yeah, sure. Uh, that, uh, scotch you just poured is rye.
Margaret: That's okay. The champagne I just had was gin.

Margaret: Here's to Captains Pierce and McIntyre. To their all-night binges. To their secret nurse ceremonies. To their planting of microphones in sleeping bags. To their childish switching of names on latrines. All of which goes into my special report to General Mitchell, which culminates in a detailed account of your Thanksgiving "Come As Your Favorite Nude Pilgrim" party.
[Margaret, Hawkeye, and Trapper all drink. She makes a face]
Margaret: This stuff isn't champagne. Champagne tickles my nose.
Hawkeye: This stuff eats it away.

Margaret: [in a huff] Where's Colonel Bubblehead?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Uh, he gave orders not to be disturbed.
Margaret: He already *is* disturbed!

[Henry Blake, Hawkeye and Trapper are watching a nudie flick in Henry's office]
Henry Blake: Pretty good, huh?
Trapper: Not much story, but plenty of action.
Hawkeye: [leaning toward the screen] It can't be!
Henry Blake: What?
Hawkeye: It is! It's Charlie Abrams's receptionist!
[He cackles gleefully]
Hawkeye: She looks a lot better in balloons than a uniform.
Margaret: [entering the office, immediately shocked] Colonel!
Henry Blake: Whoops!
Margaret: That's the most vulgar, base thing I've ever seen!
Hawkeye: Well, Margaret, you can't come in in the middle.
Margaret: It's disgusting!
Hawkeye: The critics panned it, too, but we're trying to judge it on its own merits.

Margaret: I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but Frank Burns is a lipless wonder.

Margaret: [while Trapper and Hawkeye are holding her under the shower to sober her up] What are you doing?
Hawkeye: New surgical procedure. You have to scrub up from head to toe in your clothes.
Margaret: That's ridiculous! I like it!

Maj. Frank Burns: Margret, you've been drinking.
Margaret: Correction, I *am* drinking.
Maj. Frank Burns: Margret! That's liquor!
Margaret: Right, Rev. Davidson.

Margaret: What's that?
Hawkeye: Shot of B1. Get you back on your feet.
Margaret: And I didn't get you anything.

Margaret: They've totally destroyed my authority with the nursing staff; they've made a mockery of my majority!
Hawkeye: What do you know, we're "major" mockers.

Margaret: [to Henry] Oh, an order? Why don't you stop masquerading as a commanding officer? You're nothing but a spineless, mealymouthed, fly-fishing imposter!
Trapper: He's not an imposter.
Trapper: Right! He's a *genuine* spineless mealymouthed fly-fisherman.

Margaret: I'm not so think as you drunk I am...

Margaret: Did either of you ever kiss Frank?
Trapper: Not me. How about you?
Hawkeye: I was hoping maybe this New Year's Eve.


"M*A*S*H: Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen (#11.16)" (1983)
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: ...Major WIND-Bag...

Maj. Margaret Houlihan: You holding up okay?
Hawkeye: All things considered.
[an explosion occurs]
Hawkeye: Most things considered.

[an explosion occurs]
Maj. Winchester: I thought we had a system here, they fire three rounds and they move on.
Father Mulcahy: Wait a minute, what happened to that pattern they had of firing off three rounds and then going away?
Maj. Winchester: Good question... again.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Aren't those idiots afraid of being spotted?
Col. Potter: I guess they figure the tank's worth the risk.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Or maybe they brought in a second mortar squad.
[Another explosion occurs]
Maj. Winchester: Or maybe a third.
Hawkeye: Well, the "more-tar" merrier, ha ha ha!

B.J.: A big glass of fresh, ice cold milk.
Hawkeye: For me, a banana. And of course, what's a banana without a piece of chocolate cake?
[Some other people in the O.R. laugh]
Hawkeye: What are you laughing at? It's wonderful.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: It is delicious - I'm going to take a three-hour bubble bath.
Nurses: Oh, yeah.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: How about you, Colonel - what's the first thing you want when you get home?
Col. Potter: Well, I like fresh corn. I mean real fresh corn. So I think maybe I'll just take a hot plate out to the garden, make a pot of boiling water, then I won't even pick that corn - I'll bend that stalk till the ear dips into the water, and I'll eat it right there standing up. Scrumptious!
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: How about you, Charles, what are you looking forward to?
Maj. Winchester: I am looking forward to a hemostat.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [handing Winchester a hemostat] Hemostat - there's no need to bite my head off.
Maj. Winchester: Sponge.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [handing Winchester a sponge] Sponge. You know, I just don't see why some people can't be grateful if other people try to help them.
Maj. Winchester: Don't you?
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: I think a person is lucky if somebody cares enough to help. Where would I be without my father's help?
Maj. Winchester: Oh, where indeed? He's pulling in three different directions, if you get any luckier, there's going to be a piece of you in every corner of the world.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Maybe some people just can't feel gratitude.
Maj. Winchester: Maybe some people like having other people run their lives, but some people don't.

Col. Potter: Goodbye, Margaret. I know you've got your career in order, don't forget to have a happy life, too.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: You dear, sweet man. I'll never forget you.

Hawkeye: [in a "normal" tone of voice] So, uh, listen...
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [in a "normal" tone of voice] Yeah.
[They kiss for thirty-four seconds]
Hawkeye: [in a "normal" tone of voice] Well, so long.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [in a "normal" tone of voice] See ya.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [on the phone] How do you feel?
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Like a hostage. How about you?

Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [on the phone] Ah, you just take care of yourself, okay? We all miss you here.
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Then get me out.
[He hangs up the phone]

[a few minutes ago, Hunnicutt got orders to go home]
Col. Potter: I can't run a hospital without surgeons. Who's supposed to replace you?
B.J.: What would you say if we found a first-class surgeon to take my place?
Father Mulcahy: That's fair enough.
Col. Potter: Well...
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Come on, we'll try.
Col. Potter: I guess I'd say bon voyage.

Maj. Winchester: I have a standing in the medical community, and I don't need the help of a nurse.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: It's a good thing I'm a lady, or you'd need a nurse buddy.

[a tank enters the M*A*S*H unit and eventually crushes the latrines]
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [to the tank driver] What's the matter with you? You drive this thing like it's a lethal weapon!
[notices that that driver is wounded]
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Oh, my! Corpsman!

Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [right after the war is declared over, more wounded are brought in] Does this look like peace to you?


MASH (1970)
[a gun goes off at the football game]
Hotlips O'Houlihan: Oh my God! They've shot him!
Colonel Blake: Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop! It's the end of the quarter.

[the origin of her nickname]
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [to Frank Burns, during sex, not knowing everyone is listening] Oh, Frank, my lips are hot! Kiss my hot lips!

Hotlips O'Houlihan: [to Father Mulcahy, referring to Hawkeye] I wonder how a degenerated person like that could have reached a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps!
Father Mulcahy: [looks up from his Bible] He was drafted.

Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater, he does not know his way around a body. And if you will have observed anything, you will have observed that Major Frank Burns is an idiot. He has flipped his wig, that he's out of his head, that he's a lousy surgeon.
Hotlips O'Houlihan: Oh on the contrary, I have observed. And Major Burns is not only a good technical surgeon, he is a good military surgeon. I have also noticed that nurses as well as enlisted men address you as "Hawkeye".
Hawkeye Pierce: Yes because that's my name, Hawkeye Pierce.
Hotlips O'Houlihan: Well that kind of informality is inconsistent with maximum efficiency in a military organization.
Hawkeye Pierce: Oh come off it, MAJOR! You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm now going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch... And under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean you... You're what we call a regular army clown.

Hotlips O'Houlihan: [Raving about the Swampmen's latest stunt] If you don't turn them over to the MPs this minute, I - -I'm going to resign my comission!
Colonel Blake: [In bed with a nurse] Goddamnit, Hot Lips, resign your goddamn comission!
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [stares, then turns to leave, wailing] My comission... my comission... my commission...
Colonel Blake: [to nurse] Little more wine, my dear?

Hotlips O'Houlihan: [to Col. Blake] This isn't a hospital! It's an insane asylum, and it's your fault!

Trapper John: Finished work for the day?
Frank Burns: Yes. Why?
Trapper John: Good. I was hoping you'd have time tonight to sleep this off.
[Trapper punches Burns to the floor and injures his hand just as Colonel Blake and Hotlips walk in]
Trapper John: [in pain] Ow! Damn! Son of a bitch!
Colonel Blake: Trapper! Captain McIntyre! What the hell?
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [incredulous] That's a *captain*?
Colonel Blake: What happened? Who started this?
Trapper John: I hit him! He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead!
Frank Burns: He wouldn't have touched me if I had my guard up.

Frank Burns: God meant us to find each other.
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [enthusiastically, opening her blouse] His will be done.

Hawkeye Pierce: Hot Lips, would you like to see these pictures of my kids?
Hotlips O'Houlihan: I'm not the slightest bit interested.


"M*A*S*H: Pilot (#1.1)" (1972)
[Everyone has just come out of a long OR session]
Margaret: [angrily] You're dismissed.
Hawkeye: Thanks, Mother. We've gotta get up early, anyway, and fix MacArthur's hernia.

Margaret: Those two, they're ruining this war, for all of us!

Hawkeye: Sorry, baby.
Margaret: That's Major to you!
Hawkeye: Sorry, Major baby.

Margaret: [referring to Hawkeye and Trapper] Those two are ruining this war... for ALL of us!


"M*A*S*H: For Want of a Boot (#2.17)" (1974)
Margaret: They love you, Frank!
Frank Burns: It was their hatred that fooled me.

Frank Burns: [Hawkeye has thrown Frank a surprise party to buy off Margaret] Pierce, Mclntyre, this is the happiest night of my life, buddies!
Hawkeye: You want to share the happiness, Frank?
Frank Burns: With the whole world!
Hawkeye: Sign this.
[Hands him Klinger's Section 8 discharge papers]
Frank Burns: Sure! What is it?
[reads papers]
Frank Burns: Never! You're asking me to let a pervert out of the army?
Hawkeye: Oh, right, Frank. By all means, let's keep the perverts *in* the army.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Klinger's not a pervert!
Margaret: How do you know?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Because I'm one and he's never at the meetings!

Margaret: Henry Blake is a sham commander, a farcical administrator, and a spineless, irresponsible, lecherous old beanbag.
Hawkeye: Margaret, we're not going to get anywhere if you keep holding back!
Margaret: My report is going to General Mitchell!
Hawkeye: Ah come on, reconsider. Henry's less than perfect, but we are a team!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Yeah, it's just that he's been in one too many scrimmages without his helmet.

Margaret: [Offering Hawkeye and Trapper a deal that would stop her from sending a scathing report about Henry Blake to General Mitchell] Today is Frank's birthday.
Hawkeye: Yeah yeah...
Margaret: I think a surprise party in the mess tent tonight, with a big cake and at least twenty people, and presents... might just stop my report.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: It's a deal!
Hawkeye: It is not! I have just run out of hypocrisy! My dignity tank is getting dangerously low! You expect me to drag twenty screaming people to a party for Frank Burns and paint smiles on their faces? And presents? Half this camp spends its time sticking pins in little Frank Burns dolls! I will debase myself just so far for a pair of boots! Ha! Party for Frank Burns?
[Hawkeye then storms out of Margaret's tent, followed by Trapper, and immediately steps into an ice cold mud puddle with the boot with the large hole in the sole]
Hawkeye: I think I'll start with a few hors d'oeuvres, followed by baked ham and hot biscuits. If they'll stay hot, that's the only problem.


"M*A*S*H: Margaret's Engagement (#5.2)" (1976)
Frank Burns: Listen, Pierce, why don't you and I go out on the town tonight, hmm?
Hawkeye: Well, this is so sudden, Frank, I don't have anything to wear.
Frank Burns: Well, I mean, get a couple of nurses, go over to Rosie's bar, have a little fun.
Hawkeye: Sounds good to me.
Frank Burns: There's this little redheaded nurse who's had her eye on me. And tonight her wish will come true.
Margaret: Do you mean that new girl with the freckles on her nose?
Frank Burns: Yes, that's the one.
Margaret: She's a little young for you, isn't she, Major Burns?
Frank Burns: Oh, I don't know. I thought a little youth might be nice for a change.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: The convoy just took a direct hit.
Margaret: [miffed] If you'll excuse me, I'll just go finish my letter.
Hawkeye: You need any help holding up your pen?
Frank Burns: We got her on that one, didn't we?
[He, Hawkeye and B.J. laugh]

Frank Burns: What does he got that I haven't got?
Margaret: Lips.
Frank Burns: ...Lips aren't everything!

Margaret: Since when have you ever given two hoots about Frank Burns?
Hawkeye: It's only one hoot. I just started.
Margaret: You've given him a few swift kicks yourself.
Hawkeye: Yeah, but never when he was down. Only when he wasn't looking.


"M*A*S*H: It Happened One Night (#4.3)" (1975)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [walking in on the giant mess that Frank has created in her tent] Frank! What are you doing?
Maj. Frank Burns: Huh?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: What are you doing?
Maj. Frank Burns: Uh... Have you got a pencil?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: A pencil?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Klinger, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: There it goes. My whole life is passing in front of me. Ma! Pa!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Have we got the right shoulder?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Laverne, good-bye.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: So long, Harry, Freida, Paul. Oh, oh, I'm coming, Uncle Jake.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger, you're all right.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Was the gun loaded?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: The lights are fading. I'm too young. No, no!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could you at least bleed?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: What is the matter with you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's molting.

Abbott: Don't touch me. Come on, I told ya, I'm not kidding, don't touch me.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You don't give the orders here.
Abbott: I hate your guts.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: My guts are not here for you to love.


"M*A*S*H: Movie Tonight (#5.21)" (1977)
Father Mulcahy: [singing] A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in heck.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee, Mom, I wanna go home.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Nurses: The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Klinger: Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress?
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

Father Mulcahy: [singing] A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in Heck.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
BJ & Hawkeye: Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Col. Potter: Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Nurses: The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Radar: The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Klinger: Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress?
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Margaret: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

Hawkeye: And now for the moment no-one has been waiting for: the Father Mulcahy sound-alike contest.
[Father Mulcahy passes him his hat]
Hawkeye: [imitating Mulcahy] My word, Hawkeye, this jocularity is most unseemly.
[tosses hat to Klinger]
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [imitating Mulcahy, in squeaky voice] How can you make jokes at a time like this? Ooh.
[passes hat to Frank Burns]
Maj. Frank Burns: [in high voice] The post-op is collapsing and the O.R. is on fire.
[passes hat to Margaret]
Margaret: [in high voice] And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine.
[tosses hat to Radar]
Radar: Sorry, Father.
[puts on hat; imitates Mulcahy]
Radar: It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepatitis. He's the most remarkable shade of yellow.
[tosses hat to Colonel Potter]
Col. Sherman Potter: [in high voice] Jocularity! Jocularity!
[tosses hat to Father Mulcahy]
Father Francis Mulcahy: Let me just say this about all these impersonations...
[everybody groans in protest]
Hawkeye: That's definitely the Mills Brothers.


"M*A*S*H: Carry On, Hawkeye (#2.11)" (1973)
Hawkeye: You know that little shot you gave me for the flu?
Margaret: Yes.
Hawkeye: Well it worked, I got it.
Margaret: Are you sure?
Hawkeye: I've got enough nausea to light up the city of Toledo, okay? First I'm hot, then I'm cold, and my knees are in business for themselves. My tongue has gone cashmere, and I'd like to find an all night latrine that takes servicemen. Now, have I got the flu or am I just in love?
Margaret: Do you think you can operate?
Hawkeye: I've got to. What am I going to tell the casualties? To stop bleeding until I feel better?
Hawkeye: [Hawkeye takes out the thermometer]
Margaret: I want to see if you have a fever.
Hawkeye: Oh, trust me. I've got fever to burn.

Hawkeye: Radar, you'll be assisting Margaret Houlihan, nurse, friend and all around good egg.
[walks away as Radar stares at Margaret]
Margaret: [noticing Radar staring at her] He's very sick.

Hawkeye: [He's just given Radar a long list of orders] Go!
Margaret: [Upset that Hawkeye is giving orders] Stay!
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: She outranks you. She's got more things on her uniform.
Hawkeye: She's got more things IN her uniform, but GO!


"M*A*S*H: Mail Call, Again (#4.14)" (1975)
Major Margaret Houlihan: Must you bore everyone with that dull hometown news?

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Where's Frank, Margaret? Still trying to call home?
Major Margaret Houlihan: There's a crisis.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Hurricane named Louise.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I'd love to tap into that conversation.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: I'd love to be a mouse with earphones.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Oh you'd just love to see me squirm, wouldn't you?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Can I slip into something comfy first?

Major Margaret Houlihan: [Throws a chair at Burns after she listens in on Burns' conversation with his wife] WAR HORSE? ARMY MULE?
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Surprised] Margaret!
Major Margaret Houlihan: STUFF IT!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Chases after Hot Lips] Margaret! Margaret, I had to say all those things. Try to understand!
Major Margaret Houlihan: Leave me alone, you chinless chipmunk!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Grabbing Hot Lips' arm] Margaret, please!
Major Margaret Houlihan: Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Follows Hot Lips to her tent] Margaret! I had to lie. The stocks and the house are in her name!
[Hot Lips slams tent door in Burns' face]
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Burns turns on the charm] Uh... Margaret, dear, why don't I bring over my can of Sterno, and we can have some hot totties and you can put on your new nighty.
Major Margaret Houlihan: [Opens tent door and throws nighty in Burns' face] *YOU* put on my new nighty!


"M*A*S*H: Bombed (#3.15)" (1975)
Major Margaret Houlihan: I'm going to lay down now because I'm very tired, and there better not be any hanky-panky.
Captain John McIntyre: I don't even have a hankie, and my pankie is in my other suit.

Major Margaret Houlihan: [trapped, crying in McIntyre's arms] I'm so embarrassed.
Captain John McIntyre: Why?
Major Margaret Houlihan: I outrank you!

Major Margaret Houlihan: Everybody thinks I'm so hard and tough and here I am crying like a baby! Do you mind?
Captain John McIntyre: No, it's the first soft water that's touched my body in a year.


"M*A*S*H: Officer of the Day (#3.3)" (1974)
Margaret: If I didn't hate violence, I'd kick you.
Hawkeye: Would you? With high heels?

Margaret: [Frank wants a war prisoner released to Colonel Flagg. A doctor must sign to release the prisoner; Frank and Margaret are goading Hawkeye and Trapper into signing the release] Frank, *you* can sign for it! You're a doctor!
Frank Burns: Hey, that's right! I *am* a doctor!
Hawkeye: Your secret is safe with us, Frank.
Trapper: His *patients* are definitely never going to find out.

Margaret: Captain Pierce, Major Burns, acting commander, and I, his adjutant, have been informed that you and Captain McIntyre have refuse to release Colonel Flagg's prisoner.
Hawkeye: Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp in the wood, is lying in a ditch at the edge of town.


"M*A*S*H: I Hate a Mystery (#1.10)" (1972)
Hawkeye: Good evening. Thank you all for coming. I trust you will forgive me for disturbing you at this late hour, but the time has come to unmask the guilty party - the perpetrator of this bad practical joke.
Frank Burns: We know who the guilty party is.
[to Henry]
Frank Burns: Why do you let him ...
Hawkeye: Contain yourself, Dr. Burns! Remember the old adage: "Methinks he doth protest too much."
Frank Burns: Who does he think he is?
Trapper: The Thin Man?
Hawkeye: You dislike me enough to wish me transferred to another base - preferably an enemy base. But let us not forget Major Houlihan. Tough, ambitious, yet greasy Major Houlihan. Why think of only one culprit? Why not a pair of sweethearts in crime?
Margaret: You are sick!
Hawkeye: Still, another colleague resents me because of his consistent losses at the gaming tables.
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: The man's a fruitcake!
Hawkeye: And yet you, Lieutenant, also had a motive of jealousy, because I share my affections among the ladies.
Lt. Barbara Bannerman: You told me I was the only one - !
Hawkeye: Ha! Of course, my legendary prowess among the fairer sex was cause for envy on the part of... Dr. McIntyre!
Trapper: Legendary? I've seen you strike out in a geisha house.
Hawkeye: Still, we must remember that the thefts were committed in several places, indicating that the thief had access to the various tents and was perhaps short enough to go unnoticed. There is only one man here short enough to bathe in his own helmet. Right, Radar?
Radar: Me? I'm not short!
Hawkeye: [chuckles] Let us not overlook the possibility of a mastermind who commands others to do his bidding, right, Henry?
Henry Blake: [waking up] Uhh, sign what, Radar? I'm sorry, Pierce. Uh, it's going very well.
Hawkeye: A most perplexing riddle, calling for the most ingenious of solutions. Thus I made it publicly known that there were fingerprints to be found on the stolen articles, thereby tempting the criminal to repeat his crime, and retrieve his ill-gotten booty - or his ill-booten gotty. Which he has done! However, in so doing, he has exposed himself.
[Frank closes his robe]
Hawkeye: Because I took the precaution of treating the stolen articles with hydrochloric-alpha-terracin.
Trapper: What's hydrochloric-alpha-terracin?
Hawkeye: A chemical which is at this moment coloring the culprit's fingernails... blue.

[last lines]
Frank Burns: That's fascinating.
Margaret: Oh, it is, it is.
Father Mulcahy: Oh, yes, yes, very definitely. You see, it was after he returned to the garden that he discovered that three of his apostles were missing.
[all look at Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: Well, don't look at me, I didn't take 'em.


"M*A*S*H: O.R. (#3.5)" (1974)
Frank Burns: [bombs heard in background] I hope we're giving it to 'em good, those little yellow reds.
Hawkeye: Frank, you better take two yellow reds and go to sleep.
Frank Burns: Oh, you like getting shot at, Dr. Goody Two-Shoes?
Hawkeye: I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread, transplant the American Dream: freedom, achievement, hyperacidity, affluence, flatulence, technology, tension, the inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. That's entertainment!
Frank Burns: Pierce, you are certifiably insane.
Hawkeye: Gee, I can't understand why. Here I am, 20,000 miles from home working as an extra in a war movie with this guy's blood dripping into my boot. Nurse, you want to do something about that, or must I kiss you into submission?
Lt. Ginger Bayliss: Right away, doctor.
Hawkeye: That's not insane-making, Frank. Neither is bedding down every night with a flea circus, or eating food prepared by a cook who used to make box lunches for Kamikaze pilots, or getting so bored out my skull, I put on my dress uniform for a trip to the latrine!
Frank Burns: Will you watch your language?
Margaret: There are nurses present.
Hawkeye: Oh, forgive me. I'd like to offer the nurses a blanket apology. Or even better, I'd like to offer them a blanket invitation.
Frank Burns: Smut merchant.
Henry Blake: Oh, pipe down, Burns.
Frank Burns: Oh sure, always. You jump all over me, but he can say what he wants, and he gets away with it. Colonel's pet, that's what you are!
Hawkeye: I'll get you at recess!

Margaret: Major Burns is being abused!
Henry Blake: Cut that out, Frank.


"M*A*S*H: For the Good of the Outfit (#2.4)" (1973)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel Blake?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, Major Houlihan, Major Stoner...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major. Major Burns, Major Stoner...
Maj. Frank Burns: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Pierce...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I think we've made a major breakthrough here.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Frank's not involved in the complaint because he didn't sign] Why didn't you let him sign?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let him? We begged him to! We begged him to do the right thing.


"M*A*S*H: The Gun (#4.13)" (1975)
Major Margaret Houlihan: Frank, you stole that Colt.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: I Never
[pause]
Major Franklin Marion Burns: it's just that I appreciate guns...
Major Margaret Houlihan: You lied to me Frank! That's worse than stealing!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Well, I happen to think stealing is worse than lying.
Major Margaret Houlihan: And *you* did both!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: So I ought-ta know!

Major Franklin Marion Burns: I did a terrible thing Margaret.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Oh
[puts arm around Frank]
Major Margaret Houlihan: It's alright now.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: I should have known better.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Well, at least you regret it.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: No, never again. When you steal something, don't ever try to return it.


"M*A*S*H: Change of Command (#4.2)" (1975)
Col. Potter: [first day in camp; reviewing officer files] Major Margaret Houlihan.
Margaret: Sir!
Col. Potter: Ten years, spotless record.
Margaret: Thank you, sir!
Col. Potter: Major Frank Burns.
Margaret: Just friends, sir.

Margaret: [Her lover Frank Burns has been replaced as temporary commander of 4077] It's a blow below the belt!
Frank Burns: Well, we've both had plenty of those in our time.


"M*A*S*H: As You Were (#2.20)" (1974)
Maj. Frank Burns: Did I tell you about the boxing?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: They didn't hit you?
Maj. Frank Burns: No. They crated me in my sleep.

[Hot Lips and Frank enter The Swamp to find Trapper and Hawkeye dressed in gorilla suits]
Maj. Frank Burns: Pierce? McIntyre?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What is it, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: Take off those masks!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Take off those suits!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: We will if you will.
Maj. Frank Burns: Where did you get those costumes?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: What costumes?
Maj. Frank Burns: The costumes you're wearing!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: These aren't costumes. We stopped shaving last month.


"M*A*S*H: Sometimes You Hear the Bullet (#1.17)" (1973)
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, yes, Colonel, I've, um, put in for the Purple Heart.
Henry Blake: But according to your accident report, you tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.
Maj. Frank Burns: Yes.
Henry Blake: Is that the way you want it announced at the award ceremony? Tripped in the mud on the way to the shower?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, well, I, I...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Sir, this injury was sustained at a front-line unit. Technically that makes it battle-connected.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [entering] On that basis, we'll be handing out medals for social diseases.
Maj. Frank Burns: What are you doing here, Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I have a stethoscope fetish. This is the only place I can wear one without attracting attention. Henry, you're not going to endorse this idiot's application, are you?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: That's Major to you, Captain!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, you're not going to endorse this major idiot's application, are you?
Henry Blake: Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide when I decide and make my, uh, uh, decision, and that will, uh, decide.

[Hawkeye and Trapper come upon Frank sprawled on the ground, with Margaret looking on nervously]
Hawkeye: What's the matter, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: It's my...
Margaret: His back. It's his back.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: How'd it happen?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, I...
Margaret: [fibbing] Uh, he fell.
Margaret: [pointing] On his way to the shower.
Margaret: [pointing in another direction] He was coming from that direction.
Margaret: [and another] From his tent, I guess.
Margaret: [and another] Going in that direction.
Margaret: [pointing once more] The showers.
Hawkeye: And were you directing traffic at the time of the accident, officer?


"M*A*S*H: Fallen Idol (#6.2)" (1977)
B.J.: [Earlier, Hawkeye barked at hospitalized Radar] Gee, you have a marvelous effect on people.
Col. Potter: [Enters the Swamp; to Hawkeye] What the hell is the matter with you? Are you nuts?
Hawkeye: I think I must be, yes.
Col. Potter: I think you are. I no sooner give you a lecture on one patient, then you go in and try to destroy another! Maybe we should aim you at the Chinese.
Margaret: [Enters; to Hawkeye] I'd like to talk to you.
B.J.: This oughta be good.
Margaret: What is the matter with you?
Col. Potter: Just a minute, Major, I have something to say on that subject myself.
Margaret: Just hang on, you'll get your turn.
Col. Potter: I'll get my turn? I'm the commanding officer!

Col. Sherman Potter: [to Hawkeye] Your behavior is incomprehensible. Again! You have a boy there, fresh out of the cornfields, who is highly vulnerable and impressionable, not to mention the fact that he worships you...
Margaret: Although WHY I can't imagine.
Col. Sherman Potter: Then you make this kid the target of the most bellicose barrell full of bull durham anybody's ever heard you utter!
Margaret: And I've heard you utter plenty.
Col. Sherman Potter: If you don't mind, I rehearsed this as a single.
Margaret: And you're doing fine, really.
Col. Sherman Potter: Gee, Major, I appreciate that. Now will you CLAM UP?
[to Hawkeye]
Col. Sherman Potter: This boy's been told he's nothing more than a pimple on a flea by the man whose opinion he values more than any one in the world. And I think you DAMN WELL better do something about it! Now what do you think?
Hawkeye: I think you're right.
[Exits]
Margaret: I never got to say anything!


"M*A*S*H: Cementing Relationships (#9.3)" (1980)
Charles: What on earth are you talking about and in what language are you saying it?
Ignazio: How can you not see she love you?
Margaret: I don't love him!
Charles: That's one way.

Col. Sherman Potter: [Dedicating the new cement floor in O.R] Special thanks to Captains Pierce and Hunnicut for going over my head right to Corporal Klinger. Next, to Major Winchester.
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [Everybody groans] Why Major Winchester?
Margaret: He didn't do a thing. He didn't even lift a shovel!
Col. Sherman Potter: Pipe down, pipe down. This is an operating room. As I was saying, here's to Major Winchester for showing that a man can be neat, clean, and bathed, and still end up smelling bad.
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [Charles groans] Now that's more like it.


"M*A*S*H: Old Soldiers (#8.18)" (1980)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Pierce you can really pack it in.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well I've always enjoyed having breakfast in bedlam.

[Klinger has delivered letters to all the senior staff as per Col. Potter's order]
Hawkeye: "You are invited to my tent tomorrow night at 1900 hours. Cordially, Sherman Potter. PS: That's an order." I don't understand.
Margaret: [entering from another room] You won't believe what was left on my door.
BJ: The crowd thickens.
Hawkeye: Let me guess, does it look like this?
Margaret: You got one?
BJ: We all did.
Mulcahy: [entering from outside] Hello, all. Say, I just received the most peculiar...
[they all hold up their own letters]
Mulcahy: Oh... does anyone know what this means?
BJ: I do. We're all invited to Col. Potter's tent for an after-dinner riddle.
Hawkeye: Klinger, did he say anything to you what he gave these to you?
Klinger: No. Just ordered me to deliver them and made a beeline for his office with that package he got today.
Margaret: Package? What was in it?
Klinger: I don't know, but he's been antsy about getting it ever since the trip to Tokyo. Came from some lawyers.
Hawkeye: Lawyers? Why would he be hearing from lawyers? Divorce?
Margaret: That's stupid. Who would divorce that sweet, wonderful man?
Hawkeye: Maybe it's a lawsuit.
BJ: Tax problem.
Charles: Or a will. I don't wish to sound ghoulish and, mind you, I pray I'm assessing the evidence incorrectly, but what if the sick friend with the bad lab report is a ruse and it's Col. Potter who's sick.
Margaret: No, don't even think that.
Hawkeye: Let's not jump to conclusions.
Charles: Agreed, but that would explain the phone call, the trip to Tokyo, his mood and the package from the lawyers.
BJ: Yes, it would.
Hawkeye: Look, if he's ill, we'll find out soon enough. I'm sure he'll tell us in his own way.
Mulcahy: [looks at his letter again] Maybe he is.


"M*A*S*H: Dear Peggy (#4.10)" (1975)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [angry about overlooked shrapnel on an xray] Frank, you can't just look around, you have to feel around.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: He does.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I mean during surgery.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: This is completely against military regulations!
Maj. Frank Burns: Wholly unauthorized!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You've got some of my nurses in there.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'll rinse 'em off before I return them.


"M*A*S*H: Soldier of the Month (#4.12)" (1975)
Margaret: Major Burns has decided to make out his will. Will you listen, Father?
Father Mulcahy: Gracious, I didn't even know he was dying.
Margaret: Oh, he isn't. No. Just a precautionary measure.
Father Mulcahy: Oh. But he does have the fever and a person is supposed to be of sound mind.
Frank Burns: Oh, it's okay, Father. I don't think my mind was any sounder when I was well.
Margaret: Call if you need anything, Major.
Father Mulcahy: Uh, are you sure you feel up to this, Frank?
Frank Burns: The only thing I really feel up to is dying.
Father Mulcahy: I see. Well, uh, if you're ready.
Frank Burns: My car, my house, all the money I buried in my backyard, goes to the only woman who ever really cared, ever really understood - my wife, Louise. She'll have to thaw out the map, it's inside some ground chuck in the basement freezer. My savings account passbook number is in the same bottle as my appendix.
Father Mulcahy: Appendix. Hmm. A-Anything else?
Frank Burns: For my children, all profits from my prescription kickbacks.
Father Mulcahy: Oh, dear.
Frank Burns: These are recorded in my red ledger, not the blue one that I show to the government. And finally, to Major Margaret Houlihan, my friend, my comrade, my little soldier, I leave all my clothes.

Major Margaret Houlihan: Will you step this way?
[they walk behind a tent]
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Margaret, what is it?
Major Margaret Houlihan: [punches him] The next time you give away your clothes, give 'em to somebody your own size!


"M*A*S*H: Iron Guts Kelly (#3.4)" (1974)
[Margaret and Gen. Kelly stand close for a snapshot]
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Oh, your gun is digging into my thigh.
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Lucky gun.

Maj. Frank Burns: [Frank knocks on Margaret's door and sees Hawkeye and Trapper] What's going on?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Nothing's going on, Frank. I just couldn't sleep.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: And we couldn't sleep.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: So we're all here not sleeping together.


"M*A*S*H: Henry in Love (#2.16)" (1974)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: It's a very genuine pleasure to have you at the 4077th, Nancy dear.
Nancy Sue Parker: Oh, it's mine too. Everyone's been so terrific about being nice to me!
Maj. Frank Burns: It's nice to be nice... to the nice!
[giggles]
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: She's darling, Henry. Looks a little like your oldest daughter, doesn't she, Frank? He has three.
Maj. Frank Burns: They're all back in the States.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, "goom-bye," people. We're gonna wet our whistle.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Glad to have met you.
[Henry and Nancy leave]
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: "Nice to be nice to the nice?"
Maj. Frank Burns: Just making conversation.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Try doing it with your mouth shut.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Frank, is that your knee?
Maj. Frank Burns: I thought it was yours.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Well, as long as it's ours.


"M*A*S*H: The Colonel's Horse (#5.11)" (1976)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I'm afraid I have a bad appendix.
Maj. Frank Burns: Let me operate? Please!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: It isn't necessary. It isn't a hot appendix. It's chronic.
Maj. Frank Burns: Let me remove it. I'll put it in a nice Mason jar with a little alcohol. I'll bring you ice cream with chocolate sauce and perhaps some Oreo cookies.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: No!
Maj. Frank Burns: Show me some consideration. Let me cut you open!

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Waking up Hawkeye because of her hot appendix] Pulse is rapid, temperature's up. I can't stand it anymore.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm ready. Your tent or my father's Chevy?


"M*A*S*H: Dear Uncle Abdul (#8.12)" (1979)
[after learning that I-Corps will not replace a foot locker unless it was damaged in combat, Margaret solves the problem by shooting her broken foot locker with Charles's double-barrel shotgun]
Margaret: There I was, alone in my tent! Suddenly, a sniper leaped out at me, and fired two shots! Bang! Bang! Without hesitation, my valiant foot locker threw itself into the direct line of fire, giving its life that I might live!
[she gives Klinger the foot locker]
Margaret: Now take this worthless piece of junk, and get me a new one! And make it fast, or I'll use the same technique to replace a defective company clerk!

Margaret: Who the hell are you supposed to be?
Charles: This is the latest in hunting attire from Abercrombie & Fitch.
Margaret: Well, you look like an overgrown bagpipe.


"M*A*S*H: Hot Lips Is Back in Town (#7.19)" (1979)
[the Nurses Triage Training Program commences]
Major Charles Winchester: [to the nurses] Triage is a French word from the verb "Trier", meaning to sift or separate. There are three priorities: Those who need care at once in order to be saved, those who can wait, and those who are beyond hope.
Major Margaret Houlihan: They know what triage is, Major.
Major Charles Winchester: If you wish to heckle, Major Houlihan, please go to a nightclub.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Just get on with it, will you?
[Charles, Margaret, and the nurses walks to Klinger]
Major Charles Winchester: Here we have a head injury.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: A lily dache head injury.
Major Charles Winchester: The patient is obviously delirious, indicating a possible Subdural Hematoma. Priority...
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: First, right?
Major Charles Winchester: I did not ask the patient. Priority... first.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: See? I knew I was right.
Major Charles Winchester: Next.
[the class then walks over to Radar]
Major Charles Winchester: From the patient's rigid condition, we might assume that he is in an advance state of shock. However, there is no apparent injury. He merely complains that his left shoulder hurts.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Uh, yeah, my left shoulder hurts.
Major Charles Winchester: We are puzzled by this. On further examination, we observe a purple area over the left quadrant upper. Blunt trauma. Possible ruptured spleen. Moral: Never be fooled.

[B.J., posing as a MP, storms inside the training tent]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Atten-hut! Prepare for inspection! Ladies and gentlemen, General Lyle Dumbkopf.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Hawkeye storms in, posing as a general; gruff voice] Thank you, Cato. Where are the girls? Where are the girls?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: You want girls? You want girls?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Nugent] You, suck in that gut! Throw out that chest!
[to Margaret]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You, stay just the way you are!
[Hawkeye grabs Margaret]
Major Margaret Houlihan: [shrieks] Get away from me!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let's have a major skirmish.
Major Charles Winchester: Play this comic opera elsewhere.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Comic opera?
Major Charles Winchester: We are busy here!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Shall I have him shot, Mon general?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Shooting is too good for him. Lock him in the kitchen.
Major Margaret Houlihan: [grows furious] That's it, get out. Get out of here!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Cato, sound retreat.
[B.J. blows a whistle]
Major Margaret Houlihan: [screams] OUT!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I shall not return.
[Margaret repeatedly hits Hawkeye and B.J. as she chases the two out of the tent]
Major Margaret Houlihan: Come on! Get out of here!
Major Margaret Houlihan: [frustrated] Can we just get on with it?


"M*A*S*H: Are You Now, Margaret? (#8.2)" (1979)
Major Margaret Houlihan: You sure you two want to seen with me?


"M*A*S*H: Comrades in Arms: Part 2 (#6.13)" (1977)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: With the exception of one small moment of glory in the operating room, it was for them a total disaster.
[pause]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Why are you smiling?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who's smiling? I'm not smiling.
[to BJ]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Why are you smiling?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I'm not smiling.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [to Col. Potter] Why are you smiling?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I'm not smiling. This is serious.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: All right, I'll do it. But when I come back there better not be any smiling.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut, Col. Sherman T. Potter: Who's smiling?


"M*A*S*H: Rally 'Round the Flagg, Boys (#7.21)" (1979)
Basgall: My buddy better not die on account of you.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Margaret, keep that thing over him.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I'm trying, but he's got an awfully big mouth.
Basgall: You guys are so high and mighty. You sit back here, you're playing God. You don't care!
Hawkeye: Somebody shut him up!
Basgall: That's right, shut me up. Go ahead, shut me up so I won't tell anybody how you save your gook friends!
Hawkeye: HEY!
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Pierce!
Hawkeye: I don't have to take that kind of garbage, now SHUT YOUR MOUTH before I come over there and clamp it shut!


"M*A*S*H: The Ringbanger (#1.16)" (1973)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You're drunk!
Henry Blake: Oh, that's a dirty lie! And I intend to press charges. The minute I'm sober.


"M*A*S*H: The Price of Tomato Juice (#4.15)" (1975)
Major Margaret Houlihan: What's that?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: They're flowers, ma'am.
Major Margaret Houlihan: I can see that, Corporal. I've been to the country.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Well, the person who gave these to me said, "Give them to Major Houlihan, the most wonderful person in the whole camp."
Major Margaret Houlihan: [Looking lovingly at the flowers] Anemones.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Yeah, but he wants to be friends now.


"M*A*S*H: There Is Nothing Like a Nurse (#3.10)" (1974)
Major Margaret Houlihan: [Frank, concluding a phone call with Hot Lips from Henry's office, waits for her to hang up] Hang up, Frank.
Maj. Frank Burns: You hang up first.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Oh, Frank, that's so high school!
Maj. Frank Burns: OK. Let's count to three and then we'll hang up together.
Major Margaret Houlihan: OK, Frank, You start.
Maj. Frank Burns: One.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Two.
Hawkeye: [In unison with Trapper from Radar's phone] Three.
Major Margaret Houlihan: GET THEM, FRANK!


"M*A*S*H: Mulcahy's War (#5.8)" (1976)
[Hawkeye is prepping a canine soldier for surgery]
Margaret: I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but that dog really shouldn't be in here. Think of the germs.
Sergeant Hodkey: You have more germs than that dog, nurse.
Margaret: I beg your pardon!
Hawkeye: I rise in defense of the lady. She showers frequently. I know because I watch her.


"M*A*S*H: Hanky Panky (#5.18)" (1977)
[a letter to Margaret has arrived opened]
Radar: Sometimes they come like that!
Margaret: And sometimes they're opened by creepy company clerks who like to peek at intimate personal passages!
B.J.: Oh, come on Margaret, that's uncalled for.
Hawkeye: It's not fair!
Radar: Yea, and it wasn't even very intimate either!


"M*A*S*H: April Fools (#8.25)" (1980)
Margaret: [bursting in] Who left the dead minnows in my pocket?
Charles: They were alive when I put them there. You killed them!


"M*A*S*H: Radar's Report (#2.3)" (1973)
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Sitting under a hair dryer. Frank Burns enters and bites Klinger on the neck] What are you doing?
Maj. Frank Burns: [Flustered] I was a...
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Agitated] Can't a guy have a wash and set without someone biting him on the neck?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Enters tent] Biting who?
Maj. Frank Burns: [to Margaret] I was biting you.
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: No you weren't. You were biting me.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger, what are you doing in here?
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Just borrowing a little of your shampoo, Major. It's wartime. We all gotta help each other.
Maj. Frank Burns: [Incensed] No we dont! You get out of here, you pervert!
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Accusing] Pervert? Who bit who, Major?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [to Klinger, pointing at the door] OUT!


"M*A*S*H: Stars and Stripes (#8.14)" (1979)
Major Margaret Houlihan: You different men are all alike!


"M*A*S*H: A Smattering of Intelligence (#2.24)" (1974)
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Those guys are doped up most of the time anyway.
Maj. Frank Burns: Doped up on patriotism, fella! Something we're in pretty short supply of around here.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Here, here!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, we're running low. Get another order of "Yankee Doodle."


"M*A*S*H: Aid Station (#3.19)" (1975)
Margaret: The least you could do is get out of the jeep.
Hawkeye: Oh okay.
[Dismounts from the jeep]
Hawkeye: Never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do.


"M*A*S*H: Images (#6.9)" (1977)
Major Margaret Houlihan: [about a nurse] People who don't have a stomach for this shouldn't be here.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You're right, let's all go home.


"M*A*S*H: Yessir, That's Our Baby (#8.15)" (1979)
Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, I understand the stork dropped off a package while I was gone.
Col. Sherman Potter: Good morning, Padre. This little lady seems to be alone in the world. Do you think the good sisters at the orphanage can help out?
Father Francis Mulcahy: I'm sure they can, Colonel. The first rule of orphanages and Irish families is, "There's always room for one more."
Major Margaret Houlihan: Isn't she lovely?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, yes. Yes, quite nice.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Nice? She gorgeous. Doesn't she deserve at least a "Wow" or a "Holy smoke"? Where's the oohs and ahhs?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Is this child of mixed parents?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: All we know is that there was one of each. Is that mixed enough?
Major Margaret Houlihan: Her father's an American, and her mother's Korean.
Father Francis Mulcahy: I was afraid of that.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What's the problem? We want to get her into an orphanage, not a country club.
Father Francis Mulcahy: [paces] The orphanage will take her, of course, but that won't help her much. The problems faced by the children of American soldiers and Korean women are very serious. When the people of the villages find out about them, the lives of the children and mothers become a horror. They're outcasts. Little boys have been emasculated... and little girls, killed outright.
Major Margaret Houlihan: My god.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Even in the orphanage, the other Korean children will be very cruel to her. And when she grows up, she'll be ostracized by every segment of Korean society. This child has no future here, none at all. She'll end up a virtual slave... or worse.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: There must be somebody who can help this kid.
Father Francis Mulcahy: I'm afraid not. Her only hope - and that's slim at best - would be sanctuary in one of the old Catholic missions.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We'll take it. Slim is better than none.
Major Margaret Houlihan: What do we do? Where are these places?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, there's one not too far off. Armies, for centuries, have fought around it, left it untouched. The monks will keep her cloistered, educate her, and in fifteen or twenty years, working with their other monasteries abroad, perhaps they can get her out of Korea.
Col. Sherman Potter: With all due respect, Father, that doesn't sound like much of a life.
Father Francis Mulcahy: It isn't. But it's the best we can do.


"M*A*S*H: Wheelers and Dealers (#10.5)" (1981)
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: And you! Tell me you know what it feels like to have your child grow up without parents. What it feels like to even have a child.
Major Margaret Houlihan: How *dare* you stand there and act like your brand of suffering is worse than anybody else's. That's the only way you can justify treating us like dirt. Let me tell you something, sad sack, if the worst thing that's happened to you is your pretty little wife has to help pay the bills for awhile, don't come to me for sympathy. Maybe you *do* have the most to lose but that's only because you *got* the most.


"M*A*S*H: Temporary Duty (#6.21)" (1978)
Capt. Roy Dupree: I just love how you people josh around! This is more fun than skinny dippin' in the creek with the Pittman sisters!
Major Margaret Houlihan: Captain Dupree! There are ladies present!
Major Charles Winchester: [giving a flirting glance to Nurse Anderson] And accounted for!


"M*A*S*H: The Life You Save (#9.20)" (1981)
Father Mulcahy: [Mulcahy is on garbage detail] There just isn't room for anymore.
Col. Sherman Potter: Well, Padre, you gotta ditch it some place. Preferably down wind.
Father Mulcahy: I can't. Winchester has all the transportation lying around in little pieces on bed linen.
Margaret: That's what I want to talk to you about.
[Hawkeye enters]
Hawkeye: Colonel, the motor pool has been taken completely apart and Klinger has to get to the 8063rd right away.
Col. Sherman Potter: Why?
Hawkeye: Because...It's a long story, but whatever idiot was in charge of the mess tent before I was stuck me with 75 missing trays.
Father Mulcahy: I'm the idiot who stuck you with those trays. And it was 50!


"M*A*S*H: The Nurses (#5.5)" (1976)
Margaret: [chastising the nurses, as she holds back tears] Did you ever once show me any kind of friendship? Ask my help with a personal problem? Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine what it feels like to walk by this tent and hear you laughing and know... that I'm not welcome? Did you ever once ever offer me a lousy cup of coffee?
Nurse: [Stunned at this show of emotion] We didn't think you'd accept.
Margaret: Well, you were wrong.


"M*A*S*H: Inga (#7.16)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How dare you do that to me in front of a room full of people! I have to work with them!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You'll work with them a lot better when you start treating them like people.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't hand me that baloney. You're not standing up for her as a woman, you're really jealous of her, aren't you?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Jealous of her?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Olive green.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Over you? Don't be an ass! You think everything revolves around you and your spectacular body, don't you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're raving.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You think a woman is dead until she lives for you. Well, let me tell you something, Benjamin Franklin, we actually survive without you. We live, we breathe, we dream, we do our work, we earn our pay, sometimes we even have our little failures, and then we pull ourselves together all without benefit of your fabulous electric lips! And let me tell you something else, buster. I can walk into that kitchen anytime I want, and replace those fabulous lips of yours with a soggy piece of liver!


"M*A*S*H: In Love and War (#6.7)" (1977)
Margaret: [both Hawkeye and Margaret are in the Swamp, drunk] This place stinks.
Hawkeye: Right.
Margaret: The food stinks, the liquor stinks, and the smell stinks!
Hawkeye: You said it.
Margaret: And the *war* stinks!
Hawkeye: It certainly does!
Margaret: What are you agreeing for? You're one of the things around here that stinks!


"M*A*S*H: Commander Pierce (#7.1)" (1978)
Hawkeye: Damn that Hunnicutt! Technically, he's AWOL. I could throw the book at him.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I don't believe what I'm hearing! Since when did you join the Army?
Hawkeye: Since it was left to me!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: If only Frank Burns could see you now. It isn't so easy to be the clown when you have to run the circus, is it?
Hawkeye: Are you finished?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: One more thing... permission to say, 'serves you right, sir!'
Hawkeye: Permission denied, dismissed!


"M*A*S*H: Alcoholics Unanimous (#3.9)" (1974)
Hawkeye: [Hawkeye, Trapper and Margaret are drunk. Hawkeye sings] I wish there were a radio way up in heaven/So I could say hello to Mother every day.
Hot Lips: I didn't know you could sing.
Hawkeye: Was I singing? I thought I was dancing.
[They all laugh]
Frank: What the devil's going on in here?
Trapper: Frank! Baby!
Hawkeye: [sings, followed by Trapper and Margaret] Come on in and take off your skin and rattle around in your bones!
Frank: Major Houlihan!
Hot Lips: Whoop!
Frank: This really cuts me to the quick!
Hawkeye: That's quite all right. His quick could use some cutting!
Hawkeye, Hot Lips, Trapper: [laughing]
Frank: Let me have that!
[sniffs flask]
Frank: Where did this liquor come from?
Hot Lips: Shhhhh!
Hawkeye, Trapper: [almost in unison] Yeah, don't tell anybody.
Frank: As your commanding officer, I insist!
Hawkeye: Ok, ok, ok.
[Grabs Frank and pull him closer]
Hawkeye: You take eleven string beans, one onion, half a radish, and four banamas.
Trapper: [Grabs Frank's sleeve] Mix it up, and you... uh... let it soak for... uh... six weeks.
Hawkeye: Days.
Trapper: Days.
Hot Lips: You'd better write this down, Frank.
Hawkeye: [Grabs Frank back] Then you look around and you find the tallest tree, and you hang the stuff in an emena bag, and you let it lay there for eighteen weeks...
Trapper: Days.
Hawkeye: Days.


"M*A*S*H: Trick or Treatment (#11.2)" (1982)
Col. Sherman T. Potter: [studying an x-ray] This protruding bone. It can be removed completely. He'd be better off without it.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I don't understand.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: It ain't his. Probably belonged to the man in front of him. The mine explosion drove it right into this boy's leg like a spear.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Oh my God.


"M*A*S*H: No Sweat (#9.11)" (1981)
Col. Sherman T. Potter: [Klinger fixes the P.A. system which is unknowingly in the 'on' position] Who's sick?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Nobody's sick, sir, I have a little rash.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: [Half asleep] I have two grandchildren myself.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Sir, please try to understand, it's Margaret. I have a bad case of prickly heat. A severe irritation on my gluteus maximus.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Oh, I get it. A bad case of keister itch.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Well you could call it that, sir.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I sure gotta sympathize with you on that one. Ain't nothing more bothersome than a case of the ol' fanny fungus. With all this heat, that cute little caboose of yours must be red as a beet.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Oh, really, sir, I'd rather not talk about it.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I don't know how bad off your wazoo is, but I'll bet it don't come close to the rump rots I had during the big war.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Sir, send the chopper...
Col. Sherman T. Potter: We were pinned down near Chantilly, and I was stuck for a whole damn night in a wet fox hole. I'll never forget it.
[The entire camp bursts out laughing at the conversation]
Col. Sherman T. Potter: No matter how many times you change your skivvies, the fire on the ol' back porch just keeps burning. Must be hell for you to trying to sit or sleep...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Wait a minute...Is this stupid P.A. on?! Klinger, you idiot!
Klinger: Major, wait! Oh no, please don't. It took me three hours to fix that--
[Smash!]
Klinger: [Camp continues laughing]


"M*A*S*H: Requiem for a Lightweight (#1.3)" (1972)
Major Margaret Houlihan: [noticing Trapper is using Frank Burns' duffel bag as a punching bag] Just a minute, isn't that Frank's bag?
Trapper: I thought you were Frank's bag!


"M*A*S*H: Officers Only (#2.15)" (1973)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major Burns is ready to assist.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: What do you think I'm doing? Stalling 'til my room is ready?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I think it only fitting that a Captain be assisted by a Major when working on the son of a General, Colonel.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think you just conjugated the Pentagon!


"M*A*S*H: Picture This (#10.20)" (1982)
Col. Potter: [about his grandson] The kid is barely out of diapers and...
Charles: Colonel, I beg you no potty stories.
Col. Potter: Potty stories? I was just going to say that the boy had his first pony ride.
Charles: Oh. Of course.
Margaret: Speaking of potty training, my first cousin had...
Charles: We aren't speaking of potty training. We shall never speak of potty training so long as I am standing here.
Col. Potter: Hey, Major, you seem to be a little touchy on the subject of potty training. Could it be that you were a member of the rubber sheet brigade?
Charles: Don't be absurd, Colonel Potty.


"M*A*S*H: Divided We Stand (#2.1)" (1973)
Major Margaret Houlihan: [about Hawkeye and Trapper] There isn't a nurse in this camp they haven't tried to molest.
Captain John McIntyre: Except the male ones.
Hawkeye: Speak for yourself.


"M*A*S*H: Hawkeye Get Your Gun (#5.10)" (1976)
Hawkeye: How 'bout a little kiss for the road?
Margaret: Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Hawkeye: Then how 'bout one for me?


"M*A*S*H: The Grim Reaper (#6.11)" (1977)
Major Charles Winchester: [suddenly passes out cold in the O.R]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Where is Major Winchester?
Major Margaret Houlihan: He's on the floor.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: He can't operate form there, his arms aren't long enough.


"M*A*S*H: Hepatitis (#5.19)" (1977)
Hawkeye: [Margaret is letting Hawkeye give her a shot in the behind] Oh, Margaret, may I pause on this occasion to express a few thoughts.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: If you say one word!
Hawkeye: I wouldn't not a word, but if I did that word would be MAGNIFICENT, would that be bad?


"M*A*S*H: Hawk's Nightmare (#5.13)" (1976)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Some people have extra sensory perception.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I knew you were gonna say that.


"M*A*S*H: The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan (#5.6)" (1976)
Margaret: Klinger, you're a disgrace to the army.
Klinger: Thank you, ma'am. I'm trying my best.


"M*A*S*H: Check-Up (#3.7)" (1974)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [speaking to the nurses] Alright, girls. Attention please. Now, I will give you the preliminary exam and then the doctors will go to work on you. Bear in mind that you are the cream of American military womanhood... serving your Uncle Sam, and entitled to dignity. No smart remarks, no insinuations, sex- or smut-wise. You are women, desirable women... most of you. But army regulations forbid any doctor to assist you from undressing into disrobement. Further, they can do nothing, NOTHING when you are alone with them but give you a good going over. Now, when I call your name, please scream.


"M*A*S*H: Dreams (#8.22)" (1980)
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Well, it's been a miserable, grueling, rotten couple of days.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: A little shut-eye would go down great right about now.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You can say that again. Even my teeth are dozing off.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Compared to the way I feel, Rip Van Winkle was an insomniac.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Well, good night, folks. If you need me, I'll be unconscious.
[People start getting up]
Major Charles Winchester: Ah, to sleep... perchance to dream.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [All pause, recalling their nightmares] On the other hand, maybe I'll have another cup of coffee.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Good idea.
Major Charles Winchester: Help keep us warm.
Father Francis Mulcahy: I'll pour.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: A big shot of that, Father.


"M*A*S*H: 5 O'Clock Charlie (#2.2)" (1973)
Major Margaret Houlihan: Frank, give them a direct order.
Hawkeye: Oh, do, Frank. We've never ignored one of those.


"M*A*S*H: Out of Gas (#7.12)" (1978)
Sgt. Zelmo Zale: Look, Colonel, this sort of trading goes on constantly. Major, you remember the time you wanted those leather hip-boots with the spiked heels?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Never mind!
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Spiked heels? How do you fish with those on?


"M*A*S*H: What's Up, Doc? (#6.19)" (1978)
Margaret: [suspecting she's pregnant] It's all Donald's fault!
Hawkeye: I wouldn't put it all on Donald. You were there at the time, weren't you?


"M*A*S*H: Yankee Doodle Doctor (#1.6)" (1972)
Frank Burns: [practicing reciting for upcoming film] "A group of brave men are at work in a make shift operating room struggling to save your sons and brothers while outside the dogs of war bark at the door of this sanctuary."
Trapper: [Hawkeye barks like a dog] Down, boy, down, down! Roll over. Jump through that.
Frank Burns: "These are the saints in surgical garb, dedicated surgeons, all volunteers. Every red-blooded American knows, if he is wounded, he will be in the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."
Hawkeye, Trapper: A Yankee Doodle Doctor?! Stuck a feather in his nurse and called her macaroni.
Frank Burns: You didn't like it?
Hawkeye: Didn't like it? Let me count the ways.
Margaret: That's hardly a constructive criticism.
Hawkeye: Oh, you want a *constructive* criticism. You're right. How about, you stink! And so does this little movie show and Lieutenant Bricker.
Frank Burns: Stinks?! Oh, you, you . . .
Hawkeye: Who you calling a you-you?


"M*A*S*H: The Smell of Music (#6.15)" (1978)
Major Margaret Houlihan: I'm going to the garbage dump for a breath of fresh air.
Hawkeye: Oh, you'll love it. The bluebottle flies are gorgeous this time of year.


"M*A*S*H: Lt. Radar O'Reilly (#5.4)" (1976)
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Ma'am?
Major Margaret Houlihan: Now what?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Is it OK if I use the officer's latrine?
Major Margaret Houlihan: Of course.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [smiling] Oh boy, National Geographic!


"M*A*S*H: A War for All Seasons (#9.6)" (1980)
Hawkeye: Margaret, wasn't this potholder supposed to be a scarf?
Margaret: It hasn't been a scarf in weeks. I'm knitting a sweater for a pilot I met in Tokyo.
Hawkeye: And I'm the mannequin who came to dinner.


"M*A*S*H: Patent 4077 (#6.16)" (1978)
Cpl. Klinger: Major, we were only trying to help.
Major Margaret Houlihan: "We"?
Cpl. Klinger: Hawkeye and B.J. bought it and gave it to me to give to you.
Major Margaret Houlihan: I should've known those two weasels would be in on this.
Cpl. Klinger: Hey, that's not fair.
Major Margaret Houlihan: You go tell your accomplices their rotten charade didn't work.
Cpl. Klinger: Major, you're wrong.
Major Margaret Houlihan: *What?*
Cpl. Klinger: Nobody was trying to make a fool out of you. We just wanted you to have your ring back. That's all. You don't have to be grateful but would it hurt to at least appreciate the effort?


"M*A*S*H: Germ Warfare (#1.11)" (1972)
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [while struggling to get out of the surgical gown and handcuffs that Trapper used to tie her to Frank] Colonel! Look at us!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: It does look pretty silly without the music.


"M*A*S*H: Your Retention Please (#9.7)" (1981)
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Okay, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker or a guffaw from anybody.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You hear that Charles?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Subject of this meeting is... The Army.
[Looks expectantly at Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester, who sit quiet]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Quietly] So far, so good.
[Regular voice]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all burst out in laughter. Potter crosses his arms and waits for the laughter to stop] I'm sorry! If I held that in, my teeth would have exploded!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Come on, you gotta be kidding!
Major Charles Winchester: Gentlemen, please. It's impolite to laugh at seniles.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Sharply] What did he say?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Loss of hearing is the first sign.
[All three begin laughing again]
Major Margaret Houlihan: Will you clowns keep quiet? Some of us are interested in what the Colonel has to say. Go on Colonel.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Why, thank you, Major.
[Pierce begins making kissing noises]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You blow one more kiss, Pierce, and those lips 'll never walk again.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Please, I'd like to hear this too.
[Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all make kissing noises]
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, blow it out your bugle! Colonel, please continue.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Gracias, Padre. Now I think you'll admit, the Army presents unique opportunities, that can't be had anywhere else.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: That's very true. What other job lets you die for a living?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Certainly a once in a lifetime experience.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: The Army provides a chance to see the world.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Scenic tours of all the great battlefields.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Through gritted teeth] It provides a home.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Where even the buffalo wouldn't roam.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Okay, that does it! Lecture's over! Class dismissed!
[Everyone heads for the door]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Except you Pierce! Since you insist on behaving like a dunce, you can cap it off by staying after school!


"M*A*S*H: Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler (#4.9)" (1975)
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: You can put a lid on this guessing game. As it happens, I know who our friend with the Messiah complex really is.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Oh, I knew you'd get to the bottom of this.
Colonel Flagg: All it takes is the right man with a shovel - who knows where to dig.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Couldn't ask for a better man.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Or a bigger shovel.


"M*A*S*H: Major Fred C. Dobbs (#1.22)" (1973)
Hawkeye: I almost forgot. It's time to listen to my favorite Armed Forces soap opera, "Just Plain MacArthur."
[turns on tape recorder]
Frank Burns: Soap operas now. You're deteriorating by the minute.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [recording] I'll be devastated without you, you know that.
Frank Burns: [recording] I'll write you every day... faithfully!
Frank Burns: "I'll write every day... faithfully." Listen to that drivel, that manure! You know, anyone who could listen to that...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [recording] Frank, you're crushing my 'mums.
Frank Burns: Was that... that's... that's...
Hawkeye: That's right. Nurse Drivel and Dr. Manure!


"M*A*S*H: The Yalu Brick Road (#8.10)" (1979)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: How dare you sleep while this whole camp is in bed!


"M*A*S*H: The M*A*S*H Olympics (#6.10)" (1977)
Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: [getting into their Jeep] It's only a race.
Major Margaret Houlihan: A race? A race? That wasn't just a race, that was the olympics!
Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: Fine, you can stay here if you want, I'm going to Milan.
[tries to start the Jeep. It won't turn over; Margaret gets out]
Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: Where are you going?
Major Margaret Houlihan: Move over. If we're gonna go, we might as well get there.
[takes the wheel and they drive off]
Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: Come on, Margaret, it was only a race.


"M*A*S*H: Dear Mildred (#4.7)" (1975)
Cho: [Frank and Hot Lips want a wooden bust of Colonel Potter carved] Hmm. Lotsa work. Two assistants. Electric light at night. Overtime. Hmm. Six bucks.
Maj. Frank Burns: [unsure] Well...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Frank, These people have no espect-ray unless you aggle-hay over the ice-pray.
Maj. Frank Burns: Five dollars.
Cho: Seven-fifty.
Maj. Frank Burns: Sold!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [glares at Frank] Umb-day!