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Quotes for
Sergeant Luther Rizzo (Character)
from "M*A*S*H" (1972)

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"M*A*S*H: Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen (#11.16)" (1983)
Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Major. I hope you don't mind leaving in a garbage truck, but it's the last vehicle I got.
Maj. Winchester: Not at all - what better way to leave a garbage dump.

Maj. Winchester: I'm sure Sgt. Rizzo will find me another mode.
Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Well, I'll go take a look, but we ain't got too many modes left, Major.

Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Well, I don't love you all - some of you still owe me money. Which I really need it - because I plan to open up a business when I get back to Louisiana. There's big money in this - I'm gonna breed frogs for French restaurants.
Hawkeye: Here, go buy yourself a frog.
[He tosses a wad of money toward Rizzo]

Cpl. Igor Straminsky: I'm gonna do something where people don't yell at me when I put food in front of them - I'm gonna be a pig farmer.
Sergeant Luther Rizzo: What do you mean, "gonna be"?

Sergeant Luther Rizzo: [leading Winchester to a "crowded" jeep] Okay, Major, pile on.
Maj. Winchester: As what, a hood ornament?


"M*A*S*H: The Life You Save (#9.20)" (1981)
Maj. Winchester: [Charles is temporarily in charge of the motor pool] Fine job of work, Rizzo. Every valve. Every disc must be removed from the Jeep and placed on the sheet in its assigned order.
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Major, I don't understand, why am I taking this Jeep apart? It was working just FINE!
[Slams down gasket]
Maj. Winchester: On the sheet, Rizzo. On the sheet. On the sheet. Don't you understand the power you have here? You can take a Jeep apart and reduce it to an inert pile of junk and whenever you want--at a whim-- you can fit it together again and it will roar back to life. If only we could do that with human beings. They wouldn't die.

Charles: [In a Jeep] Start you fool! START!
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Major, what are you doing?
Charles: Why won't this idiotic engine turn over?
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: 'Cause, I tucked it into bed on that sheet over there like you told me.
Charles: Well I must have transportation immediately. What's available? Do any of these work?
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Only the ambulance...
[Charles runs for the ambulance]
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: But that's off limits except in a medical emergency!
Charles: [Climbs in] This IS a medical emergency.
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Where are you going?
Charles: Battalion Aid!


"M*A*S*H: That Darn Kid (#10.21)" (1982)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Would you like some cognac?
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: No thanks, I ain't hungry.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [clears throat] Ahem, Luther, I've brought you here to discuss an offer that you would be a fool - as it were, not to accept.
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Oh yeah?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: I've given it alot of thought and have come to the conclusion that in exchange for cancelling my debt, I am prepared to part with this.
[Unwraps a small blue vase]
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: What do I want with a pitcher?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: This "pitcher" is an incredibly valuable and treasured vase from the Celadon Dynasty.
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Oh...
[leans forward]
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: I don't care if it's from the new Sears catalog, Major. Just how stupid do you think I am?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: An adjective fails me, but you see...
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: No, all I see is, is that YOU are tryin' to get out of payin' ME the money you owe me, which is $50...
[checks watch]
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: No no, make that a hundred dollars. I don't want no hard luck stories. I don't want no dime-store spitoons. All I want is my money. I'll see YOU tomorrow.
[Exits; Charles angrily throws the vase at the door, smashing it to pieces; Rizzo peers back inside]
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Oh gee, sir, now you ain't got a pot to spit in.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: A hundred and forty... A hundred and fifty. There. Finished.
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: You're forgetting one thing, Major, that's just the interest. You still owe me the original 50.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Very well. 20, 40... 50. Wonderful. Now I'm out of cash again. How do you expect me to make it through to the end of the month?
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: With the help of a friend.
[Puts arm around Charles and grins]
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Hi, friend.


"M*A*S*H: April Fools (#8.25)" (1980)
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Pulling a sleeping Rizzo out from under a jeep] Wake up, Rizzo!
Sergeant Luther Rizzo: What? Is it lunchtime? Good. I could use a break.


"M*A*S*H: As Time Goes By (#11.15)" (1983)
Major Charles Winchester: Major Charles Winchester:
[when Rizzo bumps into him]
Major Charles Winchester: Get out of the way, you chitlin!
Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Sergeant Luther Rizzo:
[speaking low after Winchester moves on]
Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Man's gonna kiss my chitlins!


"M*A*S*H: The Yalu Brick Road (#8.10)" (1979)
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Looks like Salmonella.
Army Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Sam and Ella, who are they?