Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt
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Quotes for
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt (Character)
from "M*A*S*H" (1972)

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"M*A*S*H: Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen (#11.16)" (1983)
[last lines]
B.J.: I'll see you back in the States, I promise. But just in case, I left you a note.
Hawkeye: What?
[the helicopter that Hawkeye is seated in takes off, and he looks down at the note that Hunnicutt spelled out with stones: "GOODBYE"]

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: On the communist side, 1,347,000 people were killed or wounded. The war also killed 400,000 Korean civilians.
B.J.: This is not a good place to have a career as an innocent bystander.

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: In addition, one-fourth of all Koreans are homeless, and 100,000 are orphans.
Father Mulcahy: What did he say? How many orphans?
B.J.: 100,000, Father.
Father Mulcahy: Dear God!

Hawkeye: Colonel, before you go...
B.J.: We've been thinking about it, and there's a little something we'd like to give you.
Hawkeye: It's not much, but it comes from the heart.
[Hawkeye and Hunnicutt snap to attention, and for the first time salute Colonel Potter. Potter, very slowly and militarily, returns their salute; then he rides off on the horse Sophie. Potter and Sophie pass a broken-down sign reading "MASH 4077TH BEST CARE ANYWHERE]

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: The cost of the war to the United States has been placed at twenty-two billion dollars.
[One of the people in the O.R. whistles at that amount]
B.J.: Don't look at me, I only get three hundred a month.

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: In human terms, the cost was much greater. The U.N. forces have suffered the following casualties - Killed in combat - 71,500. Missing and captured - 83,263. Wounded - 250,000.
Hawkeye: [operating on a/another wounded soldier] Make that two hundred fifty thousand and one.
B.J.: And two.
Col. Potter: Three.
Maj. Winchester: Four.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: And there's twelve more out in the hall.

B.J.: I got as far as Guam and all flights are canceled, nothing going in or out. I'm sitting there in this crummy officers club, and this guy comes up to me, and says, "You Hunnicutt the doctor?" Now, I didn't like the sound of that, so I said, "No, not me, pal, I'm Hunnicutt the chaplain." He says, "Well, chaplain, you'd better start praying for a miracle, because you're going back to Korea to do surgery." I was a third of the way home.

B.J.: Ah, I wanted to leave you a note before I left, I just didn't have the time.
Hawkeye: I didn't even know you were gone. I thought you were in the bathroom.

Dr. Sidney Freedman: B.J.!
B.J.: Hey, Sid, get your red-hot hot dogs.
Col. Potter: Folks, can I have you attention? I need Captain Hunnicutt. Would the hot dog man please get his buns over here?

B.J.: A big glass of fresh, ice cold milk.
Hawkeye: For me, a banana. And of course, what's a banana without a piece of chocolate cake?
[Some other people in the O.R. laugh]
Hawkeye: What are you laughing at? It's wonderful.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: It is delicious - I'm going to take a three-hour bubble bath.
Nurses: Oh, yeah.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: How about you, Colonel - what's the first thing you want when you get home?
Col. Potter: Well, I like fresh corn. I mean real fresh corn. So I think maybe I'll just take a hot plate out to the garden, make a pot of boiling water, then I won't even pick that corn - I'll bend that stalk till the ear dips into the water, and I'll eat it right there standing up. Scrumptious!
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: How about you, Charles, what are you looking forward to?
Maj. Winchester: I am looking forward to a hemostat.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [handing Winchester a hemostat] Hemostat - there's no need to bite my head off.
Maj. Winchester: Sponge.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [handing Winchester a sponge] Sponge. You know, I just don't see why some people can't be grateful if other people try to help them.
Maj. Winchester: Don't you?
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: I think a person is lucky if somebody cares enough to help. Where would I be without my father's help?
Maj. Winchester: Oh, where indeed? He's pulling in three different directions, if you get any luckier, there's going to be a piece of you in every corner of the world.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Maybe some people just can't feel gratitude.
Maj. Winchester: Maybe some people like having other people run their lives, but some people don't.

B.J.: Want a sandwich?
Hawkeye: What's in it?
B.J.: Let's see - cucumbers, watercress, a little French mayonnaise.
Hawkeye: Is the crust cut off?
B.J.: No.
Hawkeye: Forget it.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Well, I planned something, but it kind of fell through. I guess you noticed Soon-Lee isn't here tonight. It's because she had a lot of things to take care of. 'Cause we've decided to get married.
Hawkeye: Yay!
B.J.: Congratulations!
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: I had to cut through a lot of red tape, but I got permission. The only problem is, she won't leave Korea until she finds her family. So, boy, I don't believe I'm saying this, I'm staying in Korea.
Hawkeye: You don't have to act crazy now, we're all getting out.

B.J.: You know, Father, the first time I've met you, I thought there's this nice decent guy, kind of sweet and gentle, you know? How's he ever gonna last out here? I got to tell you, you're just about the toughest bird I know.
Father Mulcahy: Well, I'm certainly a lot luckier than some of the people we've seen come through here.

[Winchester kisses Houlihan's hand]
B.J.: Hold on to that arm, Charles. We want to kiss it, too.
Hawkeye: You take the arm, I got dibs on what's left.

[a helicopter is started up]
Hawkeye: It sounds like my cab is here.
B.J.: Yeah.

[Hawkeye and B.J. bid farewell to each other]
Hawkeye: Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'LL say it. Maybe you're right, maybe we WILL see each other again, but just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you; whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you.
B.J.: Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of YOU.
Hawkeye: Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor...
B.J.: ...or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid.
Hawkeye: I'll miss you.
B.J.: I'll miss YOU. A lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here.

B.J.: [on the phone] Hawk, it's B.J., how you doing?
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] How the hell do you think I'm doing? I've been locked up for the last week in a wacketeria.
B.J.: Well, listen, Sydney's the doctor.
Hawkeye: [to Dr. Sydney Freedman] You want a laugh? He's says, you're the doctor.
[to B.J.]
Hawkeye: I'm the doctor. I sew people back together. Why is he keeping a brilliant surgeon locked up? I mean, what's behind that?

[a few minutes ago, Hunnicutt got orders to go home]
Col. Potter: I can't run a hospital without surgeons. Who's supposed to replace you?
B.J.: What would you say if we found a first-class surgeon to take my place?
Father Mulcahy: That's fair enough.
Col. Potter: Well...
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Come on, we'll try.
Col. Potter: I guess I'd say bon voyage.

[Maj. Winchester was followed by Chinese musicians, one of whom was pushing a motorcycle]
Maj. Winchester: [to Col. Potter] I believe these gentlemen have surrendered.
Col. Potter: [to one of the POWs' guards] Let's get them inside and process them, Corporal.
[to those Chinese musicians]
Col. Potter: Come on, boys. Not too much solid food right away.
Col. Potter: [to one of the POWs' guards] They probably couldn't hold it down.
B.J.: [pushing that motorcycle] I'll make sure the motorcycle doesn't escape.

[B.J. is planning on returning to his home and celebrating his daughter's birthday; he has five minutes before he can leave]
Col. Potter: Five minutes? I haven't got your replacement yet!
B.J.: Jacobson is due here first thing in the morning. This is the only connection I could get.
Col. Potter: [his voice cracking] Aw, what the heck. Send me a piece of birthday cake.
B.J.: [hugging Col. Potter] Thank you. Look, I--this is not the way I wanted to--
Col. Potter: Go, you're fighting the clock.

[Col. Potter bids farewell to Hawkeye and B.J]
Col. Potter: Well, boys, it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together. You boys always managed to give me a good laugh, right when I needed it most. Never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. 'Course I had to pretend I was mad at you but, inside...
[emotionally]
Col. Potter: I was laughin' to beat all Hell.
Hawkeye: Yeah. I'm laughing just thinking about it.
B.J.: I love a good laugh like this.

Maj. Winchester: [Listening to Mozart - all of a sudden asks with disgust] What is that atrocious odour?
B.J.: [Painting his bike - stops and sniffs his brush] Yellow!


"M*A*S*H: The Bus (#4.6)" (1975)
Col. Potter: Anybody got a compass?
B.J.: I got a neat one in San Francisco.
Col. Potter: [Frank tests the wind currents] What are you doing?
Frank Burns: The breeze is coming from that direction.
Col. Potter: Thank you. Now all we have to do is trade the bus for an airplane.

Col. Potter: What's wrong, Radar?
Radar: I don't know, sir, she won't start.
Frank Burns: Oh swell. We can't go forward and we can't go back.
Hawkeye: It's a sign from heaven. The war's over!
B.J.: Now, what?
Hawkeye: We burn our uniforms, go home, get married and breed a new batch of draftees for the next one.
B.J.: Hear, hear.
Col. Potter: Let's finish this one first, shall we?

Col. Potter: [their bus has broken down in the middle of nowhere] At least if it was a horse, we could shoot it.
Frank Burns: Fine leadership.
B.J.: What would you do?
Frank Burns: If this unit were still under my command, you'd soon find out.
B.J.: I spent a week with you in command, Frank. You lost me when you rigged the toilet seats to rise to attention.
Frank Burns: Only for inspection.

Radar: [on a bus in the middle of nowhere] I gotta go to the latrine.
Hawkeye: Better take a hammer and nails and build one.
Radar: I'll manage.
B.J.: No wonder the trees all look familiar to him.

Frank Burns: I wish I was home.
B.J.: I wish you was home too, Frank.

Frank Burns: She was really warm for my form.
Col. Potter: And did you oblige?
Frank Burns: I couldn't.
Col. Potter: Creep.
Frank Burns: I wanted to save myself for Miss Right.
B.J.: Miss Right?
Hawkeye: Orville and Wilbur's sister. She invented the first airplane stewardess.

Frank Burns: [aboard a broken down bus, they encounter a North Korean soldier] He's attacking. He wants us to surrender!
B.J.: Either that or he's asking if this bus goes downtown.

B.J.: Radar's radar is jammed.
Hawkeye: If it wasn't would we be here?
Frank Burns: Oh sure, blame it all on O'Reilly.
Hawkeye: You just go back to being Tom Swift and his electric paranoid.
[Looks to Radar]
Hawkeye: It's nobody's fault. You know that.

Col. Potter: [Frank Burns has an assault rifle trained on a POW] Burns?
Frank Burns: Sir?
Col. Potter: Didn't I see your picture in the post office? I wonder if he saw Radar out there.
Frank Burns: That's right. You could be giving aid to someone who killed one of our own boys. I don't mean Radar, I'm sure he's alright. Er... Reasonably sure.
B.J.: Frank, keep putting your foot in your mouth and you're going to wind up with athlete's tongue.

Col. Potter: [Frank finds a single radio and attempts to communicate with it] Major, there have to be two of those things. Someone has to have the other one, and they have to be on your frequency.
Hawkeye: It's no fun alone, Frank.
B.J.: What is?

B.J.: Hey, this is no way to throw a party. How about some stories before we rejoin the ladies?

Radar: When I was wandering around here, I didn't find no enemies so I figure we're safe so long as we can get out of here.
Hawkeye: Speaking of which, enemy-wise, has anyone seen our prisoner?
Frank Burns: There he is! *Sabotage*! He's tinkering with our parts!
[the POW is trying to fix the bus]
Frank Burns: Get away from there!
B.J.: Easy, Frank, easy! He's wounded, remember?
Frank Burns: Oh, wounded, sure! That's how we lost China!
B.J.: By fixing a bus?
[the wrench Frank is holding is pointed towards B.J]
B.J.: Careful, that could be loaded.

Col. Potter: All right, all right, that settles it. We've finally run out of food, water...
[looks at Frank Burns]
Col. Potter: and brains. We gotta get out of here, which means walking. So... we walk.
[the bus engine starts]
B.J.: I wish I knew how to say thanks.
[they all pile into the bus]
Col. Potter: [to the POW who fixed the bus] Mighty grateful for this, old man.
Frank Burns: Get out of my seat, Pierce.
Hawkeye: Oh, shut your gob, Frank.
Col. Potter: Nick of time. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. May the First Cavalry forgive me.

B.J.: [Hawkeye and B.J. had walked into the woods to try and find civilization] Just woods and more woods.
Hawkeye: I met a little girl with a basket for her grandma.
B.J.: Wearing a little red riding hood?
Hawkeye: Actually she was with seven little dwarfs.
B.J.: She's in the wrong woods.
Hawkeye: Or the wrong story.
Col. Potter: Are you finished, doctors?
Hawkeye: Are you...?
[B.J. nods]
Hawkeye: Yes.
[Nods]

Frank Burns: [into walkie talkie] There is a fighter plane approaching. And, um, when I say "Now", the jet will be directly over my head.
[the jet whooshes overhead]
Frank Burns: Now!
B.J.: Frank, that thing is a thousand feet up going 500 miles an hour.
Hawkeye: By the time you said 'now', the plane was in its hangar and the pilot was in his jammies.
Frank Burns: I was just trying to help!
Col. Potter: Stop trying. That should help right off.

Frank Burns: [into a walkie-talkie] Any allied personnel, if you receive me, here is my position. Ready?
[peers out the window]
Frank Burns: There are only about half a dozen stars visible sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one. Over.
Hawkeye: Terrific, Frank.
B.J.: They'll start searching for us in Bethlehem.

Frank Burns: Any Allied personnel, here is my position... uh, there is a fighter plane approaching... and, uh, when I say 'now', the jet will be directly over my head.
[Waits; fighter jet flies overhead]
Frank Burns: Now!
B.J.: Frank, that thing's 1,000 feet up and going 500 miles an hour!
Hawkeye: By the time you said 'now', the plane was in its hangar and the pilot was in his jammies!

Frank Burns: Any Allied personnel! There are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one. Over.
Hawkeye: Terrific, Frank.
B.J.: They'll start searching for us in Bethlehem.


"M*A*S*H: Welcome to Korea (#4.1)" (1975)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: They shoot at doctors?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Doctors, lawyers, anything, any movement.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [bullets hitting jeep] I think I just had one.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [speeding down the road] I lost my hat
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [no response] I lost my hat!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Your cookies will be next

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't look, he's had it.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We have to TRY!
[turns soldier over. Takes one look, puts soldier down, crawls short distance and vomits]

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [meeting Major Burns for the first time, drunk; he salutes, then breaks up laughing] What say you, Ferret Face?
[collapses, still laughing, on Major Houlihan]

Radar: Hey! Hey! Wait a minute! I can't go in there!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Tish Tosh!
Radar: Aw, c'mon. I'm just a Corporal!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Do you think that kept Hitler out of the Officer's Club?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I really wouldn't want to get him into any trouble.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: No problem. Just let me have some of your costume jewelery.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Uh, I've had only five weeks of indoctrination. Is this what they call a Field Promotion?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: For being brave and nearsighted above and beyond the call.
Radar: Losing a Jeep. Impersonating an officer. All in two hours. If I get in trouble, my mother will kill me!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What are mothers for?
Radar: Hey! What about my stripes?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, you've heard of Lieutenant-Generals? Sergent-Majors? You are now a Corporal-Captain.
[salutes]

Radar: [under his breath] Hawk!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Huh?
Radar: [under his breath] He's coming over here!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Play hard to get.
Radar: Don't horse around!
Colonel: Boys.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Colonel.
Colonel: You all know this is an Officer's Club, don't you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm a Captain, Plain Clothes Division.
Colonel: Uh huh. Corporal Stripes and Captains Bars?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's a new directive from the Pentagon. That's right out of G2 and G3 making a G5 Combined Officers Op-Tech Glitch. We're experimenting with a new rank: Corporal-Captain. We're down here taking a survey, to see, uh, you know, if everybody likes it, uh, asking everybody in Seoul.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Goldman-Hawkins, right?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
Colonel: Well, I don't like it. I don't like it at all!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to BJ] Uh, put down one "No;" one "Against."
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Right. One "Negative; Corporal-Captain."
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thank you, Colonel. We really appreciate your help in this.
Colonel: No, Sir! I don't like it at all!
Radar: He doesn't like it at all.

B.J.: You know, I really can't wait to see the place.
Hawkeye: You can wait. You've heard of a military post? This is a compost. Everything we've got is surplus. The lice are surplus. Only the wounded are new. Supplies are a joke. The tedium is relieved only by the boredom. I can't think of a single reason why we're here, except we're needed. So, pitch in, muddle through, pip pip and the whole schmear. Ours not to reason why, ours not to let 'em die.


"M*A*S*H: The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan (#5.6)" (1976)
Colonel Flagg: I have no home. I am the wind.
Hawkeye: [to BJ] I told you he was the wind. You said he was the stars.
B.J.: No, I said he was the moon.

Colonel Flagg: If it weren't for war you wouldn't know what peace is.
B.J.: He's got a point there.
Hawkeye: Yeah, it's under his hat.

Maj. Frank Burns: I'm going out into the jungle to hunt for Margaret.
B.J.: I understand she's game.
Maj. Frank Burns: Don't be a smarty-pants. She's probably been abducted by Chinese heathens. They have her hanging upside down by her feet from a bamboo tree... doing unspeakable things to her.
B.J.: Speak a few.

Colonel Flagg: If you don't close your eyes, I won't leave.
[everyone closes and covers their eyes]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Bye!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: See ya!

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I've been sitting here a long time and now I'd like to say something.
Colonel Flagg: What is it?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Good bye.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What happened?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Hopalong Ferret Face just shot me in the leg!

Colonel Flagg: You were insanely jealous of her engagement. You were furious at being rejected. You were capable of murder!
Hawkeye: That's right! So you hit her over the head with a blunt instrument.
B.J.: A saxophone.
Hawkeye: Then you hypnotized her and told her she was Johnny Ray.
B.J.: Then you performed plastic surgery on her, made her look like Johnny.
Hawkeye: The rest is obvious. You stuck her in a trunk, you mailed her to Las Vegas, and now she's doing two shows a night at The Sands.
B.J.: Three on Saturdays.
Colonel Flagg: There's only one flaw in that theory.
Hawkeye: Only one?
Colonel Flagg: They don't do three shows a night on Saturday at The Sands.
Hawkeye: How do you know?
Colonel Flagg: I was a showgirl for six weeks.


"M*A*S*H: The Novocaine Mutiny (#4.20)" (1976)
Maj. Frank Burns: I don't believe you did it. Officers don't steal.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We don't go to the toilet either.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We just explode when we're 50.
[Radar looks up, concerned]

Maj. Frank Burns: [during a practice bug out that Frank has ordered]
[blows whistle]
Maj. Frank Burns: Chop, chop! Get the lead out! This is a war you know!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: See? I told you this was a war, but you said we were both dreaming.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: How could we be in each other's dreams?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How could I be in Korea? More importantly, why is this chicken outfit crossing the road?

Colonel Carmichael: [after Radar explains helping Frank search Klinger's tent] This Cpl. Klinger, she's a nurse?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [laughs briefly] Oh, no, sir.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: If I may, Colonel, Cpl Klinger is a corpsman. He's a good soldier. He'd prefer to be a good civilian. To that end he dresses, erm...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In dresses.
Colonel Carmichael: Bucking for a section 8?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: The man does his job, I'll give him that. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Unless Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Besides my life, Frank wants my virginity.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We all do.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: If only I'd known.

Hawkeye: Besides my life, Frank wants my virginity.
B.J.: We all do.
Hawkeye: If only I'd known!


"M*A*S*H: Period of Adjustment (#8.6)" (1979)
[Hawkeye and BJ have made up after BJ punched Hawkeye in the face]
B.J.: Here's mud in your eye.
Hawkeye: Beats knuckles any day.

Hawkeye: I've been stuck in this sewer longer than you have, and nobody wants out of here more than I do.
B.J.: Really?
Hawkeye: Yeah, and let me tell you something else: you're wasting your time with that stuff. I can tell you from personal experience it won't work for long.
B.J.: Really?
Hawkeye: Yeah. It may get you drunk, but it won't get you home.
B.J.: Oh, yeah?
[BJ proceeds to destroy the still]
Hawkeye: What are you doing?
B.J.: Just trying not to waste any more time.
[Punches Hawkeye in the face then storms out]

B.J.: [cantankerously drunk] Well, if it isn't Benjamin Franklin Pierce Hawkeye, named for a president, an Indian, and a stove.

[Radar has met BJ's family in San Francisco]
B.J.: First time my little girl ever called anybody "Daddy"...
[sobs]
B.J.: and it wasn't *me*.
Hawkeye: Look, it could have been anyone in a uniform.
B.J.: I know. I can see him standing there, holding her hand, laughing. I see Peg smiling... wearing that perfume she wears. I can see him giving Erin the present I sent for her. Touching her hair. Getting the hug I should have gotten. Radar's home, Hawk, I should be glad for him. But I'm not! I so torn up with envy, I almost hate him! And I feel the same way about Trapper and I never even met him. But, he built that still with you and he's home, too.
Hawkeye: You'll go home. One day, we'll all go home.
B.J.: I've been gone so long, Hawkeye. A lifetime. Erin's lifetime. Even if I go home tomorrow, I'll never get that back.

Hawkeye: In OR today, the patients were more fun than you were.
B.J.: Why shouldn't they be? Some of them will go home. Radar went home. You remember Radar: short, cute, my daughter calls him "daddy".
Hawkeye: Oh, so that's it. It's the letter that's bothering you.
B.J.: Yeah. The letter, so what? I'm sorry that it annoys you, but I have this strange aversion to being away from my family. I miss them.
Hawkeye: It's the same for all of us. You don't think I miss my father?
B.J.: You really this that's the same? Come on, Hawkeye, how old is your father? How old?
Hawkeye: Sixty-two.
B.J.: Sixty-two. How old was he when you saw him last. Sixty? Sixty-one?
Hawkeye: Something like that, yeah.
B.J.: Has he changed much? Was he walking and talking when you left? Erin wasn't, but I hear she is now. Does your father remember what you look like? Will he know you when he sees you? Is he calling anybody else "son"?


"M*A*S*H: Lil (#7.3)" (1978)
Colonel Lillian Rayburn: What does "B.J." stand for?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Anything you like.
Colonel Lillian Rayburn: [smiling] I'll get back to you!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Trying to find out what BJ stands for] What if I guess your name?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Fine.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Belvidere Jehosaphat?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Still trying to guess what BJ stands for] Was your mother Mexican?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: No.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That eliminates Benito Juarez.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who would name their kid BJ?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: My mother, Bee Honeycut, and my father, Jay Honeycut.


"M*A*S*H: Potter's Retirement (#6.22)" (1978)
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [as Hawkeye and BJ are trying to look in the mailbag] No, absolutely not! Once it goes in this bag only a US mailman can open it. It's sacred.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Radar, one of those bad reports about Colonel Potter could be in that sacred bag.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Why didn't you say so?
[dumps the entire contents of the bag on the floor]

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Here's a letter from Klinger to his draft board.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Is it ticking?

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [as Hawkeye prepares to open a letter] You're not going to tear into that are you?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: It's all right. We're doctors.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Right. I'll open. He'll close.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Reading the label on a bottle in Charles' footlocker] Ogilve& Cabot's Hair Sprout. A harvest of hair in every bottle.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Remind me to put some of that in his deodorant.


"M*A*S*H: Cementing Relationships (#9.3)" (1980)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: What do we got to lose?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: For one thing, me. These hands work on nothing lower than an appendectomy.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Well, our loss is our gain.
Hawkeye: Okay, Klinger, you're on. But you better know what you're doing.
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: Trust me. I know cement and it's not that hard.

Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [the officers are making a concrete floor] Let's start moving! Let's start moving! This is your foreman.
Hawkeye: Wait a minute, wait a minute, who made you the foreman?
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: Well, I thought the selection was automatic, considering my background.
Hawkeye: Well you can take your background and go sit in the background.
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: Have it your way, BOSS. But one quick question before I go: what's the formula for mixing concrete?
Hawkeye: Why don't you handle this one, Beej?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Don't look at me, talk to the foreman.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [after Charles walks right onto their newly poured concrete floor] That does it, Charles. I'm throwing in the trowel.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Yes sir, Corporal. Yes, sir.


"M*A*S*H: The More I See You (#4.22)" (1976)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Having delivered a welcome basket to nurses] That's the end of our goodies. If there's anything else we can do to make your sentence bearable...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We're right across the road. Tent's called the swamp. Stop in for a drink after chow.
Becky: Oh thank you.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Dinner here is around 7.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Nausea is around 8.

[Hawkeye's old flame has arrived at the camp]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I'll check this out. Find out how long she's staying, you know? Maybe she's not even staying. Maybe it's not even her.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Maybe you're not even you.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
[pause]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's me. It's her. It's us.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Me what?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ever been unfaithful?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: To whom?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, who could you be unfaithful to?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Myself, for openers.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: No, no. Come on. You know what I mean, to your wife.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: You mean have I ever strayed?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ever checked in somewhere without a toothbrush.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Never.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Never been tempted?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Tempted's another subject.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ah, you *have* been tempted.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Never. But it's another subject.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [sigh] I love the way she drops into my life every few years just to give me a little open heart surgery.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: It's got to be rough.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'll live.
[pause]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In some ways, I don't mind that she's gone again.
[pause]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's just that she never altogether leaves.


"M*A*S*H: Last Laugh (#6.3)" (1977)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Hawkeye, the tent is spinning around.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Which way?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Clockwise.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Mine's going counter-clockwise. Maybe together we're sober.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: [trips while drunk] Did I fall down?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Nope.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I didn't think so.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: General, I have not seen this hat, as long as my head has lived.
General Fox: Put it on!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [BJ puts on the hat which goes down around his nose] That's his hat all right.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: He'll be walking back here in about 20 minutes.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Walking back?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: The only thing gassed up in that Jeep was us.


"M*A*S*H: Of Moose and Men (#4.11)" (1975)
B.J.: Hard day at the office?
Hawkeye: I put a colonel back together. I used the spare parts of two majors.
B.J.: Good thinking.
Hawkeye: You?
B.J.: Nothing today. Set Sergeant Zale's hand yesterday. Got a "Dear John" from his wife and tried to go ten rounds with the mess tent stove.

B.J.: [asking Hawkeye, after noticing Frank scouring the ground with a metal detector] What's Frank up to?
Hawkeye: I think he's vacuuming Korea. Eisenhower's coming; he wants everything just so.

[Sgt. Zale, drunk, has broken his hand]
B.J.: Congratulations, Sergeant. You've just turned your right hand into a maraca. Once I set it, you can sit in with the relief band.
Zale: How come I don't feel no pain?
B.J.: It's swimming upstream against the bourbon.

Hawkeye: [opens a ceramic pot, and proves to Frank that it wasn't a bomb he saw the Koreans bury] It's a Kimchi pot, Frank. KIMCHI!
[turns to BJ]
Hawkeye: Pickled cabbage. They ferment it in the ground. There's millions of these buried all over Korea!
B.J.: I'd get title to this land, Major. Before word gets out.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Huh?
Hawkeye: Don't you understand man, you've struck cole slaw!


"M*A*S*H: Mail Call, Again (#4.14)" (1975)
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [while Burns is reading a letter from his wife] Everything okay at home, Frank?
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Uh... fine! Yeah... the... uh... crabgrass is in bloom, the cat had puppies...

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Where's Frank, Margaret? Still trying to call home?
Major Margaret Houlihan: There's a crisis.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Hurricane named Louise.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I'd love to tap into that conversation.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: I'd love to be a mouse with earphones.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Oh you'd just love to see me squirm, wouldn't you?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Can I slip into something comfy first?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I lost the baby pool.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, bless my soul! I won!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: A little inside information, Father?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Not at all. I just know a little more about conceptions.


"M*A*S*H: Fade Out, Fade In (#6.1)" (1977)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Charles is listening to classical music on his victrola] Hey, we got us a new record player.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Please, Beej. Mozart. Have you no respect for classical music?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Are you kidding? I got the William Tell Overture... by Spike Jones.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Would you like to talk to Father Mulcahy?
The Sergeant: Okay, but I'm an atheist.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Really?
The Sergeant: Swear to God.

Hawkeye: [Hawkeye is talking to Major Burns on the phone, presumably for the last time] Best of luck to you, too, Frank.
Radar: [Hawkeye hangs up phone, then takes it and throws it out the door] Hey, I'm responsible for that!
[runs out door to retrieve phone]
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: You seem a trifle irked.
Hawkeye: The Army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of all charges, they have assigned him to a Veterans' hospital in Indiana, and promoted him to Lt. Colonel.
Radar: [an angry B.J. attempts to grab the phone from Radar, who has returned with it and is making repairs] Oh, no!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I was just going to complain to my congressman!
[attempts to grab it again]
Radar: Oh, no!


"M*A*S*H: No Sweat (#9.11)" (1981)
Klinger: Anything I can do to help?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, get on the phone and tell I-CORPS to get a helicopter out here first thing in the morning.
Klinger: The colonel's the only one who can authorize that.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: So get him to authorize it.
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: And as soon as you do that, get over to B.J.'s house and clean out his gutters.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They said "join the army and see the world", so here I am in Korea, removing Chinese metal from an American soldier in a Turkish bath. How are you doing, giggles?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Bitterly] How should I be doing?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You'll have to excuse Andry Grump, ladies, he can't get his mind out of the gutter.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Describing a would-be handyman, while Margaret, with severe prickly heat, is rubbing her behind against the edge of a table] ...With a skin tight T-shirt with the sleeves cut off, better looking than Errol Flynn. She's only human, you know. First it's the gutters, then he says, "Is there anything else I can do, Mrs. Hunnicut?" And she says, "Well for starters, you can call me Peg".
[stares at Margaret]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Follows B.J.'s glance towards Margaret, then turns back to nurse] Some fun, huh, Joanne? Over here we got a guy who's losing his marbles, and over there, a woman who's slipping on them.
[Margaret stops dead]


"M*A*S*H: The Colonel's Horse (#5.11)" (1976)
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh - hell!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: What?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: You heard me! H-e-double toothpicks! You guys don't care!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Hey, hey, hey, Radar, take it easy.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Sure, we care.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who delivered your guinea pig's triplets - Manny, Moe, and Jack? Who gave your chicken an aspirin when it got hysterical?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: You, sir.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Who belted Major Burns when he wanted to cook your rabbit for Easter?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Both you sirs.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Can't you do something about Frank?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Like sit him down and have a talk with him?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: No, like stand him up and have him shot!
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [B.J. is calling his father-in-law in Oklahoma for help to treat Col. Potter's sick horse] Pa! Hi, it's B.J.!... No. No, I'm not at the bus station, I'm still in Korea... No, we're not still fighting the Germans, Pa, that was your war... Huh? Yeah, I get a letter from Peg every day.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Come on, come on.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: The horse.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Wha - Oh, look, Pa, I can't hang on too long, we need your help.
[to Radar]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Give me a pencil and paper.
[to Floyd]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: We got a sick horse here. Yeah, a mare. She's down. Just a minute.
[to Hawkeye]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: What's her heart rate?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Fifty.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Fifty. Uh-huh.
[to Hawkeye]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Too fast.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, look, uh...
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Could it be emotional?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Could be. Colonel Potter hasn't taken her out for a week.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Hold on a minute, Floyd.
[to Hawkeye]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Any growling in her stomach?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Silencio.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Not a sound. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh! Okay. Right. All right, thanks Pa. Listen, you take care of yourself now. Yeah, I miss you too. Oh, do me a favor, will you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: There's more.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Call Peg and tell her everything's fine. Except the horse. Right. Thanks
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: What?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What? What? What?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Too much dry grass and not enough water. She's got colic.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, that's serious!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Floyd says it can kill her.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Colic?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Intestines are blocked. We gotta keep her on her feet so they won't twist. And... we gotta clean her out. Lots and lots of warm water.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I'll stroll up to the front to see how the shooting's going.


"M*A*S*H: 38 Across (#5.15)" (1977)
B.J.: Okay, it's your turn. Tell me a fantasy.
Hawkeye: Picture, if you will, a crisp winter afternoon. You by a crackling fire in a smoking jacket.
B.J.: Mmm. What color?
Hawkeye: Red... with blue satin lapels. And a zipper down the back.
B.J.: What for?
Hawkeye: You'll see. There's a light tapping at the door. "Who's there?" you say, checking your zipper. You saunter to the door, straightening your ascot... and casually slide back the bolt.
B.J.: Come on! Who is it?
Hawkeye: Lana Turner.
B.J.: Wearing?
Hawkeye: An angora sweater... with a zipper down the back.
B.J.: What for?
Hawkeye: You'll see.
B.J.: Go on.
Hawkeye: She throws her arms around you. But you push her away!
B.J.: I push her away? For what?
Hawkeye: Your smoking jacket is covered with angora lint. In a fit of pique, she leaves.
B.J.: That's it? The end?
Hawkeye: That's it.
B.J.: But what about the zippers down the back?
Hawkeye: They didn't catch on.
B.J.: Oh, I don't believe it! I had Lana Turner in a fantasy with a sweater with a zipper down the back and I let her get away?
Hawkeye: You always were short on zip.
B.J.: [whines]

B.J.: Well, we managed to kill another five minutes of the war.
Hawkeye: Wanna catch a rat and make it a pet?
B.J.: Nah. It's not fair to the rat to keep it in a small furnished apartment.
Hawkeye: You kept a cockroach.
B.J.: It was paper-trained.

B.J.: It's all a misunderstanding.
Col. Potter: Getting an admiral here for a crossword puzzle? You guys are one for the book.
Hawkeye: I'm sorry.
B.J.: He's sorry.
Col. Potter: You were sorry when you gave Major Burns a chocolate-coated lizard.
Hawkeye: It was Easter.


"M*A*S*H: Life Time (#8.11)" (1979)
Hawkeye: [to BJ, after BJ runs into OR with the aortic graft] What took so long?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: The guy it was attached to was still using it.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: His name was Harold.
Hawkeye: Who was?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: The guy the aorta came from.
Hawkeye: [beginning the transplant] Harold, meet George, George, this is Harold.


"M*A*S*H: Dear Sigmund (#5.7)" (1976)
Maj. Frank Burns: [sits up on his bed after overhearing a conversation] Well, well...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Oh, I thought that lump under his covers was dirty laundry.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It is.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We couldn't help but notice that you came for the poker game and stayed two weeks.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Well, I just wanted a little vacation.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Sydney, Biarritz is a vacation. The Swiss Alps is a vacation. This is a fungus convention in Atlantic City.


"M*A*S*H: Movie Tonight (#5.21)" (1977)
Father Mulcahy: [singing] A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in heck.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee, Mom, I wanna go home.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Nurses: The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Klinger: Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress?
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

Hawkeye: [the movie projector goes out once again] Don't blame Klinger. It's an Army projector.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: It's supposed to break down every five minutes.
Hawkeye: Just like the peace talks.


"M*A*S*H: The Price of Tomato Juice (#4.15)" (1975)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Major Burns would give a drowning man a glass of water.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Should you give a drown...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Major Burns has no heart.

Driver: [Watching Klinger, decked out in evening wear, get into Gen. Barker's car] It can't be...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: What's that?
Driver: She looks like she needs a shave.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, she's been on duty all day.


"M*A*S*H: Dear Comrade (#7.11)" (1978)
Hawkeye: [after barging in and startling Charles, causing him to spill his wine on himself] Guess who, Charles!
B.J.: We're back!
Charles: You're like a belch from a bad onion!

B.J.: [All five men are drunk] Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! Kwang, am I crazy, or-or is your English improving?
Hawkeye: Yeah.
Charles: Yeah.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Yeah, youz-you talkin' real good right now.
Kwang: Ah, yeah. W- Aaah, it must be the whiskey.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Ah.
Kwang: Fill me up, Charlie.
Charles: How dare, do you realize who you're tal- a day ago, I employ- oh, what the hell.
[pours Kwang some whiskey]


"M*A*S*H: Oh, How We Danced (#9.14)" (1981)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: You want to know about my home life so you ask me what I do in the morning?
Hawkeye: Oh did I say home? I'm sorry, no, I meant the people. The people - people IN the home. I mean, what's a home without people? Just a big house with a dog in it. Don't let me interrupt you. Go ahead. What do you do first thing in the morning?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I open my eyes. That is generally followed by yawning and getting out of bed. Now stop me if this is getting too exciting for you.
Hawkeye: No, no, this is great. What do you do then?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I go downstairs, and Peg pours me a damn cup of coffee and I drink it. What difference does it make what I do in the morning?
Hawkeye: You're right, you're right. I've been running that subject into the ground. Let's just drop it.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Good.
Hawkeye: What do you do in the afternoon?

Charles: Here. This is what I risked my life for.
[hands piece of paper to Colonel Potter]
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We didn't know if you were late, Charles, or the late Charles. We thought maybe you'd been shot and we were trying to figure out which side did it.
Charles: Hunnicut, go hurt yourself.


"M*A*S*H: Fallen Idol (#6.2)" (1977)
B.J.: [Earlier, Hawkeye barked at hospitalized Radar] Gee, you have a marvelous effect on people.
Col. Potter: [Enters the Swamp; to Hawkeye] What the hell is the matter with you? Are you nuts?
Hawkeye: I think I must be, yes.
Col. Potter: I think you are. I no sooner give you a lecture on one patient, then you go in and try to destroy another! Maybe we should aim you at the Chinese.
Margaret: [Enters; to Hawkeye] I'd like to talk to you.
B.J.: This oughta be good.
Margaret: What is the matter with you?
Col. Potter: Just a minute, Major, I have something to say on that subject myself.
Margaret: Just hang on, you'll get your turn.
Col. Potter: I'll get my turn? I'm the commanding officer!

Father Mulcahy: [Hawkeye has just lost it with a hospitalized Radar] I just left Radar. Now, Hawkeye, please accept this with the spirit intended. You're under enormous pressure here and I'm... I just want to know one little thing... Have you lost your mind?
Hawkeye: Father, you don't know how sorry I am.
Father Mulcahy: I mean tha - that boy is lying there in a hospital bed with tubes sticking out of body and you... You call him a ninny?
Hawkeye: Father...
Father Mulcahy: I'm incensed! I am outraged! Where is your decency, man? Your humanity? I am acrimonious! I am not a man given to physical demonstrations of emotion, but let me tell you, I can be persuaded to violence.
Hawkeye: Go ahead, Father.
Father Mulcahy: I think I will!
[kicks down the stove]
B.J.: Glad you let it out, Father?
Father Mulcahy: Well as a matter of fact, I found it particularly unsatisfying. If you want to know the truth, it is entirely possible that I have broken my toe!


"M*A*S*H: The Late Captain Pierce (#4.4)" (1975)
[Choppers approach]
Hawkeye: [sighs] Wounded.
B.J.: Klinger says a lot.
Hawkeye: I don't care. I really don't. They'll keep coming whether I'm here or not. Trapper went home; they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from they'll never run out.

[at Hawkeye's wake]
B.J.: For he was a jolly good fellow.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: He was a jolly good fellow.
Everyone: He was a jolly good fellow.
Hawkeye: I was much too young to die.


"M*A*S*H: Temporary Duty (#6.21)" (1978)
Capt. Roy Dupree: Where are my manners? Radar, JB this is Captain Low-raine Anderson.
Nurse Lorraine Anderson: Sometimes it's pronounced Loraine.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Sometimes mine's pronounced BJ.

Capt. Roy Dupree: [Dupree tries the "Swamp" hooch and downs it in one gulp] Why don't you boys put some whiskey in this punch?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [incredulously] You were a fire eater before you became a doctor!
Capt. Roy Dupree: Shoot, back home, my mama'd sprinkle this stuff on her ironing board!


"M*A*S*H: Depressing News (#9.12)" (1981)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Upon seeing the dozens of tongue depressor boxes] Oh, the new neighbors must be moving into that vacant tent down the block.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Gee, I hope they have some kids my age.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: There is no humor in this, gents. That dumb trucker just stuck us with five hundred thousand tongue depressors.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [laughing] No wonder you look so down in the mouth.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Five hundred thousand?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I'm getting' too old for this. I should've taken the severance pay in twenty-eight, started that dude ranch. Damn zoning laws.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Half a million tongue depressors. Do you know how depressing that is?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Why do you always see the olive-drab side of things? The Army didn't intend to send them all here. You ever heard of a snafu?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Snafu, phooey. We wouldn't have this supply if they didn't think there would be a demand. Tongue depressors, doctors, soldiers...we're all the same.
[Picks up a depressor]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Trapper John goes. No problem, there's plenty more where he came from.
[Tosses it aside and picks up another]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: B.J. Hunnicut. Same size, same shape.
[Picks up two more]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Frank Burns out, Winchester in. Only a hair's difference.
[Picks up another]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry Blake...
[snaps it in half]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Rest in peace, Henry. In coming, Sherman Potter.
[sighs]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: My God. Hasn't this elimination tournament gone on long enough?


"M*A*S*H: Soldier of the Month (#4.12)" (1975)
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [the officers are discussing the fever epidemic] Any news from the lab in Seoul?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Father Mulcahy is down there now on R&R.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Rest and resurrection.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: You have a fever.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: If I had two fevers I could give you change for a ten.
[laughs]


"M*A*S*H: Picture This (#10.20)" (1982)
B.J.: [reading a letter] Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Oh, this is terrific. The other day, Peg took Erin out to eat. And so they're sitting in this restaurant, and Erin taps Peg on the shoulder and says, "Potty, Mommy". All by herself. Isn't she incredible?
Charles: A veritable potty prodigy.
B.J.: So, Peg takes Erin to the restroom and when they get back, Peg is so excited she tells the waitress, next thing you know the manager comes over and brings Erin a big chocolate milk shake to celebrate. Ha, ha, ha!
Charles: Oh, I wish I could've been there to see that.
B.J.: Oh, don't you? Don't you, though... Oh, no! When she got home, Erin was so excited she wet her pants.
Charles: Hunnicut, I really wouldn't let one little accident mire such a noteworthy event.

Charles: Pierce, day time is for talking. Night time is for sleeping.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Forget it.
B.J.: Look, we're over here fighting for democracy. All those in favor of turning off the light, say "Aye". Aye!
Charles: Aye.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Sorry, the polls closed at sundown. I will turn off this light when, and only when, I get to the end of this book.
Charles: Very well, Pierce.
[Gets out of bed, walks over to Hawkeye, picks up his book and tears off the last few pages and back cover, then hands it back to him]
Charles: You are now at the end of your book.
[Turns off light]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Turns light back on] Just a minute!
[a pillow is hurled at him]


"M*A*S*H: Dreams (#8.22)" (1980)
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: There's this little rest - little restaurant in Sausalito where a seagull sits on the windowsill. You can tell by his expression he doesn't have any idea that people shoot at each other. When I get outta here, I'm going there every day until I get that same expression on my face.

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Well, it's been a miserable, grueling, rotten couple of days.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: A little shut-eye would go down great right about now.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You can say that again. Even my teeth are dozing off.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Compared to the way I feel, Rip Van Winkle was an insomniac.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Well, good night, folks. If you need me, I'll be unconscious.
[People start getting up]
Major Charles Winchester: Ah, to sleep... perchance to dream.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [All pause, recalling their nightmares] On the other hand, maybe I'll have another cup of coffee.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Good idea.
Major Charles Winchester: Help keep us warm.
Father Francis Mulcahy: I'll pour.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: A big shot of that, Father.


"M*A*S*H: Margaret's Engagement (#5.2)" (1976)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: The convoy just took a direct hit.
Margaret: [miffed] If you'll excuse me, I'll just go finish my letter.
Hawkeye: You need any help holding up your pen?
Frank Burns: We got her on that one, didn't we?
[He, Hawkeye and B.J. laugh]

[listening in on Frank's conversation with his mom]
Hawkeye: He's crying.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Catharsis.
Hawkeye: Gesundheit.


"M*A*S*H: The Winchester Tapes (#6.5)" (1977)
Hawkeye: [BJ and Hawkeye have been changing the size of Charles's pants] So, uh, what's next for him?
B.J.: Starting tomorrow, he gets taller.

[about Hawkeye]
Charles: Why this constant preoccupation with sex?
B.J.: Lack of occupation with sex.


"M*A*S*H: Lt. Radar O'Reilly (#5.4)" (1976)
Hawkeye: [BJ is giggling] What's is it BJ?
B.J.: Play this on your mimeograph machine: Lieutenant Radar O'Reilly

Hawkeye: [Radar visits in his lieutenant uniform] You have been working really hard. Toting that barge. Lifting that bail.
B.J.: Not getting drunk and landing in jail.


"M*A*S*H: Taking the Fifth (#9.9)" (1981)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I never thought I would use this term in a negative manner, but you're depraved.
Hawkeye: Well, why not? I come from the land of the free and the home of depraved.

Hawkeye: Read it out loud, I love the sound of my own skullduggery.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [reads note] "Savor an evening with Hawkeye Pierce, trade your boredom for some Bordeaux. The epitamy of the vintner's art. In 100 words or less, tell why you should be in a glass by yourself."
Hawkeye: Glass by yourself, I love that.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: "Please sign a code name so that your anonyminity may be preserved. Decision of the judge will be fine." What if there's a tie?
Hawkeye: Duplicate Hawkeyes will be awarded.


"M*A*S*H: Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler (#4.9)" (1975)
Colonel Flagg: Now I'm blowing the whistle on you, Freedman.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Blow away.
Colonel Flagg: Col. Potter, this man, this American, never signed his Officer's Loyalty Oath. And I intend to see that he's be thrown out of the service.
Hawkeye: Very smart, Sidney.
B.J.: Where do we go to not sign?

Hawkeye: Come on, Frank, scrape the rust off your imagination, what if this guy really is who he says he is?
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: He's not.
B.J.: How do you know?
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I tested him.
Hawkeye: You tested him?
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I said a little prayer before lunch, nothing big.
Hawkeye: Just incase.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: My prayer wasn't answered, so put that in your hair and rub it.
Hawkeye: Come on, Frank, just because you didn't get chocolate pudding for lunch doesn't mean anything.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: How did you know I prayed for chocolate pudding?
Hawkeye: You ALWAYS pray for chocolate pudding.


"M*A*S*H: The Yalu Brick Road (#8.10)" (1979)
B.J.: ...We're lost.
Hawkeye: Lost? As in, "Where the hell are we"?
B.J.: Not totally lost, we're still in Asia.
Hawkeye: You said this is a shortcut!
B.J.: It is a shortcut! Look how fast we got lost.

B.J.: [attending to a local] Just relax farmer, we'll have you back in the dell in no time.


"M*A*S*H: The Merchant of Korea (#6.14)" (1977)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Come on, Father, we've found a way to turn Winchester into Lose-chester.


"M*A*S*H: Are You Now, Margaret? (#8.2)" (1979)
Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: Is everyone as dedicated as you are?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Ah, what do we care?


"M*A*S*H: Bottle Fatigue (#8.16)" (1980)
Hawkeye: You've written her three days in a row. What are you trying to do, get bulk mail rates?
Charles: I am trying, you unamusing little man, to prevent a wedding which begins
[in Italian accent]
Charles: "Eh, do youse take this woman?"
Hawkeye: Before you start writing poison pen blessings, Charles, why don't you lie down and dry out?
Charles: Because inebriation will enable me to form the words that will sway my sister.
Hawkeye: Perfect. Right now you're an expert at swaying.
Charles: [reads letter] "I await with bated garlic breath the announcement of your first born: To Honoria and Vito 'The Big Knife' Machete, a 12 pound, 10 ounce organ grinder."
Hawkeye: When you mail that, you better wear a disguise. Why don't you dress up as a human being? No one will recognize you.
B.J.: All right, that does it.
[shouts]
B.J.: That does it! I've had it with
[to Hawkeye]
B.J.: your sanctimony and
[to Charles]
B.J.: your bigotry! What I need is some tranquility. Like in a machine gun nest.


"M*A*S*H: War of Nerves (#6.4)" (1977)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [after Hawkeye and BJ put a cot on the bonfire] A cot. How can you do that?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: It's just a thing. It has no intrinsic value.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Besides, it's yours.


"M*A*S*H: Comrades in Arms: Part 2 (#6.13)" (1977)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: With the exception of one small moment of glory in the operating room, it was for them a total disaster.
[pause]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Why are you smiling?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who's smiling? I'm not smiling.
[to BJ]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Why are you smiling?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I'm not smiling.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [to Col. Potter] Why are you smiling?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I'm not smiling. This is serious.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: All right, I'll do it. But when I come back there better not be any smiling.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut, Col. Sherman T. Potter: Who's smiling?


"M*A*S*H: Mail Call Three (#6.20)" (1978)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [toasting Klinger's decision not to go AWOL] To Klinger, Korea's most eligible bachelor. May your wife dress as well as you do.


"M*A*S*H: Rally 'Round the Flagg, Boys (#7.21)" (1979)
Basgall: My buddy better not die on account of you.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Margaret, keep that thing over him.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I'm trying, but he's got an awfully big mouth.
Basgall: You guys are so high and mighty. You sit back here, you're playing God. You don't care!
Hawkeye: Somebody shut him up!
Basgall: That's right, shut me up. Go ahead, shut me up so I won't tell anybody how you save your gook friends!
Hawkeye: HEY!
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Pierce!
Hawkeye: I don't have to take that kind of garbage, now SHUT YOUR MOUTH before I come over there and clamp it shut!


"M*A*S*H: The Gun (#4.13)" (1975)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Radar is innocent until proven guilty.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Right.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: But he - and only he - seems entitled to that consideration.
[leaves OR]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Don't you hate it when he's right?


"M*A*S*H: Mulcahy's War (#5.8)" (1976)
[a German shepherd has been brought to the MASH by chopper]
B.J.: Notice anything unusual about this guy?
Hawkeye: He's out of uniform. He's wearing a fur coat.


"M*A*S*H: Change of Command (#4.2)" (1975)
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [Turning Major Burns' bed into a bar] What do we call it?
Hawkeye: It's in the corner. Let's call it The Corner Bar. It's been used. I got it! "Frank's Bed" now doing business as "Joe's Bar and Grill".
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: If my wife calls, I'm not here.
Hawkeye: Henry would've loved this.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Fair man with a bottle, you say?
Hawkeye: Henry? He could have been a competition drinker. The man was born with a spare tank. I really miss him.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: How about the Henry Blake Memorial Bar?
Hawkeye: I'll buy that. Let's break it in. I'll throw out the first drunk. With any luck it'll be me.


"M*A*S*H: Death Takes a Holiday (#9.5)" (1980)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Come on, Hawk, let's go before they run out of powdered egg nog.
Hawkeye: [exits The Swamp wearing glasses and a fake nose] All right, all right. Don't rush me. I barely had time to put on my face.


"M*A*S*H: Hanky Panky (#5.18)" (1977)
[a letter to Margaret has arrived opened]
Radar: Sometimes they come like that!
Margaret: And sometimes they're opened by creepy company clerks who like to peek at intimate personal passages!
B.J.: Oh, come on Margaret, that's uncalled for.
Hawkeye: It's not fair!
Radar: Yea, and it wasn't even very intimate either!


"M*A*S*H: Pressure Points (#10.15)" (1982)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: You cut onions with my Swiss Army Knife?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: No, a Swiss Army officer did it.


"M*A*S*H: April Fools (#8.25)" (1980)
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [after many hours in the OR] This war has definitely lost its alure.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: My sentiments exactly. If we didn't have such a terrific union here I'd put in my two week notice. But I'm too weak.


"M*A*S*H: Exorcism (#5.12)" (1976)
Maj. Frank Burns: [about Koreans] Savages!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Frank, those "savages" were printing with movable type in 1403.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's right. I was in 1402 and didn't get a wink of sleep all night.


"M*A*S*H: Bottoms Up (#9.15)" (1981)
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Viewing photos of the revenge prank on BJ] These came out great. That BJ is the living end.
Major Charles Winchester: Proof past that behind every great man there is a great behind.
[Hawk, Winchester and Kinger laugh]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: These are wonderful.
[to Klinger]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What took you so long with these?
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Well, to develop photos of this sort you need more than a dark room. You need a dark alley.
[Hawk, Winchester and Kinger laugh. BJ comes up behind]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Ah, ah. Not funny. Not funny.
[Snatches photos]
Major Charles Winchester: My, isn't he a testy one?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: He's going to be absolutely beside himself when he sees those eight by tens on the bulletin board.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: No.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Yeah.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Ahhhhhh!
[Runs screaming as Hawk and Winchester laugh]


"M*A*S*H: None Like It Hot (#7.6)" (1978)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Sgt. Rhoden is trying to trade for the bath tub] No deal, Rhoden.
Sergeant Rhoden: Hard sell, huh? Alright, here's something no one can resist...stag films. Guaranteed to make a grown man blush.
[looks at Radar]
Sergeant Rhoden: 'Probably kill you.


"M*A*S*H: Captains Outrageous (#8.13)" (1979)
Drunken G.I.: Stinkin' college boy!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [straining ] Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: This way, sir.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: I graduated summa cum laude. Lettered in crew and polo. Women dripping off me. Rah, rah, rah.


"M*A*S*H: Bug Out (#5.1)" (1976)
Col. Sherman Potter: [Referring to Frank as he orders people around during the bug out] Where the hell did he get that whistle, anyway?
B.J.: Same place he got his diploma: box of Cracker Jacks.


"M*A*S*H: End Run (#5.17)" (1977)
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: You guys mind if I have a drink?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: No. Go ahead.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: I thought your liver was still a virgin.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Don't be silly, I'm a man.
[takes a sip and gasps]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: And you thought we enjoyed this stuff.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I thought this stuff was supposed to make you feel better.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: No, it's supposed to make you feel nothing.


"M*A*S*H: Images (#6.9)" (1977)
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I'm think about getting a tattoo.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Get a calendar, at least it'll be useful for a year.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Get a tie, no restaurant in town will be able to refuse you.


"M*A*S*H: Yessir, That's Our Baby (#8.15)" (1979)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [to a snotty Army rep] It's a good thing we're doctors, because I'm about to break every bone in your body.


"M*A*S*H: Wheelers and Dealers (#10.5)" (1981)
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: And you! Tell me you know what it feels like to have your child grow up without parents. What it feels like to even have a child.
Major Margaret Houlihan: How *dare* you stand there and act like your brand of suffering is worse than anybody else's. That's the only way you can justify treating us like dirt. Let me tell you something, sad sack, if the worst thing that's happened to you is your pretty little wife has to help pay the bills for awhile, don't come to me for sympathy. Maybe you *do* have the most to lose but that's only because you *got* the most.


"M*A*S*H: Dear Sis (#7.14)" (1978)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [B.J. is dressed as Santa Claus] Listen, fella, I've actually seen Santa Claus. I sat on his lap once. And I'm here to tell you, you ain't him.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: How can you tell, Virginia?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well in the first place, is that a brown mustache or are you eating a mouse?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Listen, I don't cover up this mustache for nobody, fella. Buzz off.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Gee. whatever happened to 'ho ho ho'?


"M*A*S*H: The Life You Save (#9.20)" (1981)
Pvt. Markham: [A GI has just had a near-death experience. Charles is trying to find out what it was like] I really don't understand what you want.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: When I was very young, my little brother died...I couldn't fully comprehend it at the time. But for months after the....accident, I was unable to pass his room without this...Nameless fear. I would get this, uh, tingling sensation in my chest and my arms. And then yesterday, when I found out that I indeed had come close...Very close to death myself, that sensation returned.
[B.J. enters]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: But you were there. You were there. If only for a moment, I must know what you felt.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Excuse me, can I see you outside a moment, Doctor?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Yes, of course.
[They walk outside of Post-op]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Yes?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Are you alright?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Perfectly.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Nothing is bothering you?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Absolutely nothing.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Then what the hell is the matter with you?! Every time I go into post-op, you're hovering over Markham like a ghoul. That's some graveside manner you've got...
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: As you recall, I am partly responsible for him being alive right now!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Then let's let him rest in peace.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Let me ask you a question, Dr. Schweitzer. Can you honestly stand there and tell me you've never wondered what it was like?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: What what was like?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: What that boy went through right there! He was dead. Haven't you the slightest bit of curiosity about what lies beyond?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: No, I figure I'll find out soon enough.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Well, you may be able to cloak yourself in denial, but I am not afraid to face up to the harshest reality of all.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [angrily] Let me give you another harsh reality, Doctor. Markham is MY patient. You stay the hell away from him!


"M*A*S*H: No Laughing Matter (#9.13)" (1981)
Col. Potter: What's all the hoopdy-doo?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Yes, Charles, what did you do with your hoopdy?


"M*A*S*H: Out of Sight, Out of Mind (#5.3)" (1976)
B.J.: [after Hawkeye temporarily lost his sight] You don't want to think about what's going to happen, so you keep running.
Hawkeye: No, that's not it. That's not it, no. Look. Look. When Doctor Overman comes in here, and unwraps my package, I hope to God I'll have my sight back, but - Something fascinating's been happening to me.
B.J.: What's that, Hawk.
Hawkeye: One part of the world has closed down for me, but another part has opened up. Sure, I - I keep picturing myself on a corner with a tin cup selling thermometers, but I'm going through something here I didn't expect. This morning I spent two incredible hours listening to that - that rainstorm. And I - I didn't just hear it, I was a part of it. I'll bet you have no idea that - that rain hitting the ground makes the same sound as steaks when they're barbecuing. Or that-that thunder seems to echo forever. And you wouldn't believe what - how funny it is to hear someone slip and fall in the mud. I bet - It had to be Burns. Beej, this is full of trapdoors, but I-I think there may almost be some kind of advantage in this. I've never spent a more conscious day in my life.


"M*A*S*H: The Young and the Restless (#7.18)" (1979)
Hawkeye: [Charles stumbles in drunk] Ahh, rose-nose! Welcome to skid row. Twenty cents a night - DT's included.
B.J.: Give him the binge rate. That's the third night he's come in this way.
Charles: [looks at Hunnicut] Brice,
[looks at Pierce]
Charles: Honeycomb...
B.J.: The rummy speaks!
Charles: Ruined! By a little twirp surgeon!
Hawkeye: Here we go again.
Charles: My life is going up in smoke!
Hawkeye: It will if you don't stop breathing on that stove!
Charles: Brilliant career, shot to smitheroons! That Potter's fault. First he keeps me here until my talents
[slur]
Charles: apt.private... And then he sends little Bobby Shaftnor to come here and
[slur]
Charles: humilna-nilnaliate me! I'll get even with him. Some day, he'll be older than I am, and
[slur]
Charles: 'n-I'll show him up!


"M*A*S*H: Tell It to the Marines (#9.8)" (1981)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Somehow we knew you were back Colonel when we saw Charles doing a 100 yard flash across the compound.


"M*A*S*H: Trick or Treatment (#11.2)" (1982)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Klinger is dressed as a '30s gangster] Klinger, do you realize how many zoots had to be killed to make that one suit?


"M*A*S*H: The Billfold Syndrome (#7.5)" (1978)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [Drunk out of his mind and listening to Hawkeye and BJ make fun of him losing his position at Massachusetts General] Is that what you think... Beej? Is that what all you cretins think?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Did you hear something that sounded like Charles?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: The mummy speaks!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Indeed, and I'm going to rise from this hideous tomb and leave all you relics behind.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Going somewhere Charles?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You bet your beer soaked brain I am.
[Holds up piece of paper]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Read this and weep. This is from the Massachusetts General Hospital, see
[mumbling drunk]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Mahahuhet genel hopital. You are looking at the next chief of thoracic surgery
[hiccups on thorasic]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: . Gentlemen, eat my DUST!
[throws paper down with a sinister grin]
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Well, we got him to talk.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: That's nothing, I can make him yell. Charles, uh, I wouldn't pack my bags just yet
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: No?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No... uh... see... Beej and I sort of... uh... well... know about... your news
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You read my telegram.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Read your-oh heavens no.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: We would never read your telegram.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We wrote it.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You wrote that?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Well I have to admit it's not the nicest thing we've ever done, but you have to realize that you challenged us!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: There was no other way to get you to talk.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We don't like to lose Charles.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Especially to you.


"M*A*S*H: Foreign Affairs (#11.3)" (1982)
[Martine invites Charles to sit with her after rebuffing Hawkeye]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What did he try that I didn't?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Maybe sincerity?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Sincerity? I could fake that.


"M*A*S*H: Hawkeye Get Your Gun (#5.10)" (1976)
[Col. Potter and Hawkeye are preparing to venture close to enemy territory]
Col. Potter: That thing loaded?
B.J.: Filled it with water myself.
Hawkeye: Watch out, everyone, I shoot to drown.


"M*A*S*H: Hepatitis (#5.19)" (1977)
Hawkeye: [Hawkeye's back is hurting] I already x-rayed it! There's nothing there?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Nothing! No spine! Nothing!


"M*A*S*H: As Time Goes By (#11.15)" (1983)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [hands over a fishing lure, for the time capsule] Here. I fished with this a few times. Hawkeye told me it belonged to Colonel Blake. Let it stand for all the men who never came home.


"M*A*S*H: A Night at Rosie's (#7.23)" (1979)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: By the way, it's not July 4th. It's like, August 10th.
Dorsett: Whaddya know? I've been plastered for 5 weeks! That's a new record!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In Honolulu, maybe, but not here.


"M*A*S*H: Give and Take (#11.14)" (1983)
Father Mulcahy: Winchester, you are a dirty stinker!
Charles: Put that ba... What?
B.J.: Don't listen to him, Charles. Nobody takes the word of a priest.
Father Mulcahy: I've been doing a little investigating and I've discovered that this belongs to you!
[gives collection ledger back to Charles]
Charles: Ah, the charity ledger. Well, it did belong to me, Father, but it's long since passed from my hands.
Father Mulcahy: Well, it's back! Major, it is a very low and unscrupulous person who abdicates the opportunity to do good work for his fellow man. Tell me, are you such a person?
Charles: Certainly not. Every Christmas I give $2 to the postman.
Father Mulcahy: My, my, you certainly give till it hurts.
Hawkeye: Well, what do you expect, Father? He's the kind of person who would give a drowning man a glass of water.
Father Mulcahy: All right then, Winchester, this is what it comes down to: this job has been passed on to me, and I'm not going to do it. So when General Crenshaw gets this empty ledger back, he's not going to feel so charitable. Not to mention Colonel Potter. And the man they are going to hang is the man whose name is on the assignment sheet. And guess who that is? You'll be busted so low you'll be saying, "Yes, sir," to Klinger!
[storms out]
Charles: [forlorn] Gentlemen... Have you ever considered that there are people less fortunate than yourselves? People who need your financial assistance? People... such as me?
Hawkeye: Shh!


"M*A*S*H: Where There's a Will, There's a War (#10.16)" (1982)
Col. Sherman T. Potter: [BJ shouts for joy] Watch the racket, Hunnicutt. This hospital is in a hospital zone
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Hawkeye Pierce is alive and well and living at battalion aid.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: How do you know that?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: His fingerprints are all over this guy.
Cpl.: What are you talking about?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Who else but Hawkeye sews vertical mattress stitches with white cotton sutures?


"M*A*S*H: The Foresight Saga (#9.19)" (1981)
B.J.: Sounds like a fair deal. We save her from death, they save us from lunch.


"M*A*S*H: Mr. and Mrs. Who? (#8.9)" (1979)
Shaw: You got it too, Doc?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: No, my pain, regret - regrettably, is self-inflicted.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Not a pretty sight, is it? Poor devil's the victim of bottle fatigue.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Got it during an entire night of hand-to-glass combat.


"M*A*S*H: The Smell of Music (#6.15)" (1978)
Father Francis Mulcahy: Ah, eating outside, I see. Very chic. Reminds me of the Via Veneto in Rome. I dined alfresco when we went there for an audience with the pope.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: THE pope?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Numero uno.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Pull up a crate and tell us about it, Father.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Uh, no, I'm expected inside.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Father. Is it because we smell bad?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, uh... I, uh... Oh, dear. Oh, dear, how should I put this. Yes, because of that.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Jesus ate with the lepers.
Father Francis Mulcahy: He was an exceptionally good sport.


"M*A*S*H: Hot Lips Is Back in Town (#7.19)" (1979)
[B.J., posing as a MP, storms inside the training tent]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Atten-hut! Prepare for inspection! Ladies and gentlemen, General Lyle Dumbkopf.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Hawkeye storms in, posing as a general; gruff voice] Thank you, Cato. Where are the girls? Where are the girls?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: You want girls? You want girls?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Nugent] You, suck in that gut! Throw out that chest!
[to Margaret]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You, stay just the way you are!
[Hawkeye grabs Margaret]
Major Margaret Houlihan: [shrieks] Get away from me!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let's have a major skirmish.
Major Charles Winchester: Play this comic opera elsewhere.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Comic opera?
Major Charles Winchester: We are busy here!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Shall I have him shot, Mon general?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Shooting is too good for him. Lock him in the kitchen.
Major Margaret Houlihan: [grows furious] That's it, get out. Get out of here!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Cato, sound retreat.
[B.J. blows a whistle]
Major Margaret Houlihan: [screams] OUT!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I shall not return.
[Margaret repeatedly hits Hawkeye and B.J. as she chases the two out of the tent]
Major Margaret Houlihan: Come on! Get out of here!
Major Margaret Houlihan: [frustrated] Can we just get on with it?


"M*A*S*H: A War for All Seasons (#9.6)" (1980)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: In a few minutes we're going to be decobbing corn, thanks to you and your khaki thumb.
Father Mulcahy: Don't I know it. All week I've been dreaming of getting butter on my cheeks, juice on my shirt, and a niblet wedged between two molars.
[walks up to the table]
Father Mulcahy: Where is the corn?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: You're looking at it. The mushy stuff.
Father Mulcahy: You... You creamed it!
[on the verge of tears]
Father Mulcahy: You... you ninny!
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: [everybody yells at Igor] I was just trying to be helpful. Next Fourth of July you can eat it on the cob for all I care.


"M*A*S*H: Patent 4077 (#6.16)" (1978)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Upon being told how long it would take to fashion a surgical instrument] 90 days? Charles operates faster than that.


"M*A*S*H: Major Ego (#7.8)" (1978)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Pierce! Ignore them, captain. I assume that you'll want to start with some biographical information?
Capt. Tom Greenleigh: Well, I really don't have room for that. Just the facts.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh, you w- of course. Well, I was born in upper Boston, where my family had lived for five generations...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: In a modest, 20-room log cabin.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Due to my background and breeding, it was inevitable that I attend the finest schools: Choate, Harvard...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The Massachusetts Institute of Snobbery...


"M*A*S*H: Your Retention Please (#9.7)" (1981)
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Okay, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker or a guffaw from anybody.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You hear that Charles?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Subject of this meeting is... The Army.
[Looks expectantly at Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester, who sit quiet]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Quietly] So far, so good.
[Regular voice]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all burst out in laughter. Potter crosses his arms and waits for the laughter to stop] I'm sorry! If I held that in, my teeth would have exploded!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Come on, you gotta be kidding!
Major Charles Winchester: Gentlemen, please. It's impolite to laugh at seniles.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Sharply] What did he say?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Loss of hearing is the first sign.
[All three begin laughing again]
Major Margaret Houlihan: Will you clowns keep quiet? Some of us are interested in what the Colonel has to say. Go on Colonel.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Why, thank you, Major.
[Pierce begins making kissing noises]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You blow one more kiss, Pierce, and those lips 'll never walk again.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Please, I'd like to hear this too.
[Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all make kissing noises]
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, blow it out your bugle! Colonel, please continue.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Gracias, Padre. Now I think you'll admit, the Army presents unique opportunities, that can't be had anywhere else.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: That's very true. What other job lets you die for a living?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Certainly a once in a lifetime experience.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: The Army provides a chance to see the world.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Scenic tours of all the great battlefields.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Through gritted teeth] It provides a home.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Where even the buffalo wouldn't roam.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Okay, that does it! Lecture's over! Class dismissed!
[Everyone heads for the door]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Except you Pierce! Since you insist on behaving like a dunce, you can cap it off by staying after school!


"M*A*S*H: The Birthday Girls (#10.11)" (1982)
Maxwell Klinger: Gentlemen, I've just had a stroke of genius.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Please keep us in suspense.
Maxwell Klinger: A calf lottery. I'll sell a hundred chances at a buck apiece. Whoever guesses the time of birth will win 50 bucks which means I'll also win 50 no matter when it's born.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Klinger, it may not be genius but I definitely think you've had a stroke.


"M*A*S*H: Heal Thyself (#8.17)" (1980)
[a visiting officer flips out]
B.J.: He was as strong as any of us.
Hawkeye: That's what scares me.


"M*A*S*H: Dear Mildred (#4.7)" (1975)
Hawkeye: [a Western movie is being shown] Three to one I'll take the Indians.
B.J.: It's a bet; five bucks. What's the name of this picture?
Hawkeye: Custer's Last Stand.


"M*A*S*H: Father's Day (#9.4)" (1980)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [in the mess tent] Do you realize there are millions of people in Asia with no food - and I'm one of them.