Lt. Colonel Henry Blake
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Quotes for
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake (Character)
from "M*A*S*H" (1972)

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MASH (1970)
[a gun goes off at the football game]
Hotlips O'Houlihan: Oh my God! They've shot him!
Colonel Blake: Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop! It's the end of the quarter.

[last lines]
P.A. Announcer: [clears his throat] Attention. Tonight's movie has been "M*A*S*H." Follow the zany antics of our combat surgeons as they cut and stitch their way along the front lines, operating as bombs -
P.A. Announcer: operating as bombs and bullets burst around them; snatching laughs and love between amputaions and penicillin.
Colonel Blake: [Watches as a jeep rolls away] Did Hawkeye steal that jeep?
Radar: No, sir. That's the one he came in.
Colonel Blake: Oh, very good. Come along, my dear.
[He and Lt. Leslie leave]
P.A. Announcer: Follow Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke, Dago Red, Painless, Radar, Hot Lips, Dish and Staff Seargeant Vollmer as they put our boys back together again.
[a montage of cast members starts]
P.A. Announcer: Starring Donald Sutherland, Elliott Gould, Tom Skerritt, Sally Kellerman, Robert Duvall, Jo Ann Pflug, Rene Auberjonois, Roger Bowen, Gary Burghoff, David Arkin, John Schuck, Fred Williamson, Indus Arthur, Tim Brown, Corey Fischer, Bud Cort, Carl Gottlieb, Dawne Damon, Tamara Horrocks, Ken Prymus, Danny Goldman, Kim Atwood, Michael Murphy, G. Wood, Rick Teal and Bobby Troup.
SSgt. Gorman: Goddamn army.
P.A. Announcer: That is all.
[a gong sounds and the screen suddenly goes black. End of movie]

Colonel Blake: [to Spearchucker Jones at the football practice] I had another idea. I think we should have some plays. You know, usually in football you have some organized plays...
Spearchucker: If you don't mind, I took the liberty.
Colonel Blake: Oh, you have...
Spearchucker: I drew up about seven or eight plays. I figure that's about all this bunch can handle.
Colonel Blake: Oh, these are good. These are very good. Uh, what are these little arrows?

Colonel Blake: Hawkeye Pierce? I got a twix about you... says you stole a jeep up at Headquarters.
Hawkeye Pierce: No sir, no, I didn't steal it. No, it's right outside.

Colonel Blake: You men just passing through?
Duke Forrest: I was just enjoying that lovely dish there.
[Refferring to Lt. Dish]
Colonel Blake: Captain, you are speaking about a lieutenant in the United States Army. And I'm Colonel Blake.
Duke Forrest: Oh, Colonel. I'm Duke Forrest. Your new cutter. And that's my driver over there...
Hawkeye Pierce: Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
Colonel Blake: Captain Hawkeye Pierce. I got a TWX about you. It seems you stole a Jeep up at headquarters.
Hawkeye Pierce: Oh no no, no, sir, I did not steal a Jeep. No, it's, uh, right outside. Right there.
Colonel Blake: Oh, so it is. Captain Forrest, don't you know that when you report to your new duty station, you go to your commanding officer with a copy of your orders?
Duke Forrest: Uh, Captain... Pierce, is it? Captain Pierce and me have just been boozing all day and...
Colonel Blake: Good. Good. You've been working close to the front.

Colonel Blake: We have our slight periods here, but when the action starts, you'll get more work in 12 hours than a civili...
Hawkeye Pierce: How many nurses do we have on the base, sir?
Colonel Blake: Seventeen.
Hawkeye Pierce: How many will be on my...?
Colonel Blake: Four... than a civilian surgeon has in a month.

Radar: Gentlemen, I'm Corporal O'Reilly, they call me Radar. You'll be staying in Major Burns' tent. I'll take your things over there now.
Colonel Blake: Get everything out of the Jeep...
Radar: [while Blake continues speaking] Don't worry about the Jeep. I'll change the numbers.
Colonel Blake: ...All their duffel bags, all their gear... Oh, and change the numbers on that Jeep.

Colonel Blake: Get everything out of the Jeep...
Radar: Don't worry about the Jeep. I'll change the numbers.
Colonel Blake: ...Oh, and change the numbers on that Jeep.

Hawkeye Pierce: [Hawkeye and Duke barge in] Henry, you've got to do something. We've stuck it out for a whole week now.
[to Duke, gesturing to Lt. Leslie]
Hawkeye Pierce: Pretty girl, ain't she?
Duke Forrest: Yeah. She's the type that really grows on ya.
Colonel Blake: Uh, what is it, men?
Hawkeye Pierce: That sky pilot. You have got to get him out of our tent.
Colonel Blake: YOUR tent?
Duke Forrest: Yeah get that nurse in there. She don't look like the type to keep you awake all night prayin'.
Colonel Blake: I've been in the Army a long time. I know what you fellas are trying to pull, but you're not going to push me around.
Hawkeye Pierce: Henry, not for the world would I push you around. But look there is one more thing: we need a chest cutter.
Duke Forrest: Yeah, we gotta get an A1 chest cutter in here right away, Henry, or we're gonna be in a hell of a lot of trouble.
Colonel Blake: Forget it. No MASH unit has a chest surgeon, and we're not about to get one. You guys are gonna have to go in to work early today.
Hawkeye Pierce: Boy, Henry, you work those kind of hours, you really need your rest, and you can't get it with a sky pilot jabbering to Heaven all night...
Colonel Blake: Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours.
Hawkeye Pierce: Henry, there is just one more thing...
Colonel Blake: I told you Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours!
Hawkeye Pierce: A chest cutter.
Colonel Blake: Nope.
Colonel Blake: I'll try, damn it. You can't ask any more than that.

[first lines]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Radar.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes, sir. I'll get ahold of Major Burns...
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: I want you to get a hold of Major Burns...
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: ...Tell him to hold a couple day surgeons over into the night shift.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Tell him we're going to have hold a couple of surgeons over from the day shift out of the night shift.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I'll put in a call to General Hammond in Seoul...
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Get General Hammond down there in Seoul, tell him to send us those new surgeons right away.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: ...I hope he sends us those two new surgeons. We're sure gonna need'em.
SSgt. Vollmer: What was that, sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: I gave everything to Radar.
SSgt. Vollmer: What?

Hotlips O'Houlihan: [Raving about the Swampmen's latest stunt] If you don't turn them over to the MPs this minute, I - -I'm going to resign my comission!
Colonel Blake: [In bed with a nurse] Goddamnit, Hot Lips, resign your goddamn comission!
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [stares, then turns to leave, wailing] My comission... my comission... my commission...
Colonel Blake: [to nurse] Little more wine, my dear?

Gen. Hammond: Henry, I have a report here from your Major O'Houlihan. Now she makes some accusations here that I frankly find hard to believe.
Colonel Blake: Well, don't believe them then, General. Good-bye.
[hangs up]

Colonel Blake: Ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, I have been proud to wear this uniform.

Trapper John: Finished work for the day?
Frank Burns: Yes. Why?
Trapper John: Good. I was hoping you'd have time tonight to sleep this off.
[Trapper punches Burns to the floor and injures his hand just as Colonel Blake and Hotlips walk in]
Trapper John: [in pain] Ow! Damn! Son of a bitch!
Colonel Blake: Trapper! Captain McIntyre! What the hell?
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [incredulous] That's a *captain*?
Colonel Blake: What happened? Who started this?
Trapper John: I hit him! He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead!
Frank Burns: He wouldn't have touched me if I had my guard up.

Colonel Blake: What the hell's gotten into you?
Trapper John: I dunno. I must be losing my punch. I never expected the son of a bitch to get up.

Colonel Blake: I'm tired of you guys trying to run this outfit. This time there's going to be disciplinary action.
Duke Forrest: What're you gonna do, Henry?
Colonel Blake: Well, I had planned to name Trapper Chief Surgeon, to consult on your shift and Frank's.
Duke Forrest: That's damn good thinking.
Colonel Blake: Yeah, but now I can't do it for at least a week. If I promote Trapper to chief surgeon after what our new head nurse saw, she'll be screaming from Washington to Seoul.
Colonel Blake: Isn't there any coffee in this place?

Colonel Blake: Football game?
Gen. Hammond: Yeah, yeah, we put up a few bets, five thousand maybe, and have a little fun. Special services in Tokyo says it's one of the best gimmicks we've got to keep the American way of life going here in Asia.
Colonel Blake: Betting?
Gen. Hammond: No, football.

Colonel Blake: [In the mess tent. Hawkeye and Duke stroll in and help themselves] Who are those men? Friends of yours, Murrhardt?
Capt. Murrhardt: No, sir, first time I ever seen them.
Capt. Bandini: Maybe those are the replacements.
Colonel Blake: Oh don't be silly. We're expecting some real sharp surgeons.
Capt. Bandini: I guess they just got separated from their unit and are looking for something to eat.
Colonel Blake: They got a hell of a nerve coming in here, eating our food.
[Hawkeye and Duke sit down beside Lt. Dish]
Duke Forrest: [Sitting beside Lt. Dish, who is speaking to her friends] I think I'm in love. Uh,
[raises voice]
Duke Forrest: Uh, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant, I don't have anything to do tonight. I just got in to town and, uh, well, I thought maybe you could show me around.
Hawkeye Pierce: Captain, I think if you will notice the lieutenant's beautiful hand, she is definitely married.
Colonel Blake: Well I'm the commanding officer and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
Capt. Murrhardt: Boy, Bandini, they're eating in here because they want to.

SSgt. Vollmer: How was your visit, sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh fine, the general wasn't there.
SSgt. Vollmer: [the previous night the camp broadcast Burns and Houlihan's sexcapades over the P.A] Sir, about last night... well... there... there was nothing I could do.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [oblivious] Nothing you could do...
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well then it couldn't have been helped.
SSgt. Vollmer: Thank you, sir.

Colonel Blake: I think it's important we go over the three basic principles: organization, discipline, and team work.
Spearchucker: Excuse me, but do you mind if we limber up first?
Colonel Blake: Oh, th-that's a good idea. You organize that.

Colonel Blake: [General Hammond is yelling in their direction] Radar!
Radar: Sir?
Colonel Blake: What's the general trying to say?
Radar: He's just been informed as to the identity of our, uh, Spearchucker. His ringer spotted our ringer.
Colonel Blake: [shouts to the general] How do ya like them apples, Charlie?

Hawkeye Pierce: I know how we can make some money. We leave him...
[points to Spearchucker]
Hawkeye Pierce: out of the first half of the game, we bet half our money, they roll up some points. Now, second half of the game, we stick him in, we bet the other half of our money, we get odds from them, we clean up.
Colonel Blake: That's very good thinking, Captain.

Colonel Blake: [blows whistle] Alright, men! we're not here to sell lemonade, we're here to practice. But first, I'd like to officially welcome Spearchucker to our team. It is okay to call you that?
Spearchucker: Call me whatever you want to.
Colonel Blake: Good. Well, I just want you to know that we're all the same here on the playing field. Officers and men alike.

Colonel Blake: All right, men, we're not here to sell lemonade. We're here to practice. But first, I'd like to officially welcome Spearchucker. Is it all right to call you that?
Spearchucker: Call me whatever you want to.
Colonel Blake: Good. Well, I just want you to know that we're all the same here on the playing field.
Colonel Blake: Uh, officers and enlisted men alike.

"M*A*S*H: Chief Surgeon Who? (#1.4)" (1972)
Henry Blake: Burns says the operating room is becoming impossible.
Hawkeye: He's right, I agree. All that blood and everything, and those sick people - it's terrible.

Henry Blake: [Col. Blake has just appointed Hawkeye as chief surgeon] Hawkeye, don't let me down.
Hawkeye: [wearing his underwear and bathrobe] Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?

Henry Blake: The job will be a killer.
Frank Burns: I can adjust.
Henry Blake: I hope you can. I'm giving it to Pierce.
Hawkeye: Oh, thanks.
Frank Burns: *What*? You can't! I won't stand for it!
Henry Blake: Frank, the one thing that will get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife.
Frank Burns: Well, what about rank?
Hawkeye: Can I help it if I'm not as rank as you?
Frank Burns: This is unheard of!
Henry Blake: Face it, Pierce is the best cutter in the outfit. He's certified in chest and general surgery. Frank, in case you haven't read the papers, there's a war on. We're here to patch guys together. We can't be so GI we lose patients!
Frank Burns: Are you implying that he's a better doctor?
Henry Blake: Yes, when the heat's on!

Frank Burns: I have got oak leaves on my shoulders.
Henry Blake: And I've got dimples on my butt.

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Halt!
Henry Blake: Klinger!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Who goes there?
Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: The man's NAKED!
Hawkeye: Aw, come on, Klinger, put on a dress or something.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: At least a slip!

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: May I make a suggestion about Major Burns?
Henry Blake: Yes, Sir.
Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Give him a high colonic and send him on a ten-mile hike.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: With full pack.
Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Good touch.

Henry Blake: [after making Hawkeye Chief Surgeon] Hawkeye? Don't let me down.
Hawkeye: [in his bath robe] Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: This place is a madhouse, Henry! A nut farm!
Henry Blake: Gee whiz, that's a bit strong, sir.
Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Do you realize you've a man on guard duty who's wearing a skirt?
Henry Blake: Luckily he's got the legs for it.

"M*A*S*H: Hot Lips and Empty Arms (#2.14)" (1973)
Margaret: Colonel, I want a transfer.
Hawkeye: No transfers are issued until the camp comes to a full stop.
Trapper: And watch your step getting off.
Margaret: And these two are at the top of my list!
Hawkeye: Hey, we finished first and second.
Margaret: They've totally destroyed my authority with the nursing staff; they have made a mockery of my majority!
Hawkeye: What do you know? We're major mockers.
Henry Blake: Simmer down, Pierce. That's an order.
Margaret: [scoffs] An order? Why don't you stop masquerading as a commanding officer? You're nothing but a spineless, mealymouthed, fly-fishing impostor!
Trapper: He's not an impostor.
Hawkeye: Right. He's a *genuine* spineless, mealymouthed fly-fisher.

Margaret: Colonel, I am requesting that you officially and formally approve my transfer.
Henry Blake: Look, I am glad this has come up. Now, I want you two guys to straighten up and fly right. I want you to accord Major Houlihan the courtesy and respect accordable to someone who has achieved her high rank and sex.
Margaret: I am not looking for a truce with these two shower-tent peekers!
Trapper: You peek into one shower and you're labeled for life.

Margaret: [very drunk] Oh. Corporal. I wonder if I can see Colonel Blake?
[She looks around, confused, then jogs away]
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I wonder if you can, too.
[Margaret drunkenly jogs up to Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry Blake, stopping directly in front of Henry]
Margaret: [saluting] Major Margon Houlihat reporting for duty, sir.
Henry Blake: Aw boy, drunk as a skunk.
Trapper: She's tanked.
Hawkeye: A fine time to make a drinking debut.
Margaret: Where are the casualties, sir?
Henry Blake: Now, just hold your horses. They're not even here yet.
Margaret: Well, then, let's go get 'em, sir. I'll drive!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh]
Henry Blake: Major? Major, dear, you're drunk.
Margaret: Oh, I'm not so think as you drunk I am!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh some more]
Henry Blake: Uh, you'd better go to your tent, Major.
Margaret: I can't operate in my tent!
Trapper: [still laughing] You're doing okay so far!
Margaret: Aah, go salute yourself!

Margaret: Colonel, I just wanted you to know that I was preparing my final report before I go, which I haven't done yet.
[she walks up to Henry's liquor cabinet and finds it locked]
Margaret: Uh, how do you get into this thing?
Henry Blake: Is there something you want?
Margaret: I thought a little farewell drink - Major, Colonel.
Henry Blake: Looks like you've already been dipping your bill. You sure you won't reconsider, major?
Margaret: No, I've thought it over, and I definitely would like another drink.
Henry Blake: Okay. Scotch and water okay?
Margaret: That's fine. Oh, you can skip the water.
Henry Blake: Oo-kay.
Margaret: [mimicking Henry] Oo-kay.
Henry Blake: [pouring drinks] You know, Major, you're making a mistake. This outfit may be a bit of a booby hatch, but, uh, we do awful good work together.
Margaret: Yeah, I can't fight you there.
Henry Blake: Cheers.
[they toast and drink]
Margaret: I need army discipline. I need a sense of order. Can't you understand that, Colonel?
Henry Blake: Why don't you call me Henry, for Pete's sake?
Margaret: That's really swell of you, Pete.
Henry Blake: [sitting down] Excuse me.
Margaret: Do you know that you look just like my father before he died?
Henry Blake: Oh, uh, a lot of people have said that.
Margaret: [pouring another drink] It's funny how you only get to know people after they're gone. I feel real close to you right now.
Henry Blake: Yeah, sure. Uh, that, uh, scotch you just poured is rye.
Margaret: That's okay. The champagne I just had was gin.

[Henry Blake, Hawkeye and Trapper are watching a nudie flick in Henry's office]
Henry Blake: Pretty good, huh?
Trapper: Not much story, but plenty of action.
Hawkeye: [leaning toward the screen] It can't be!
Henry Blake: What?
Hawkeye: It is! It's Charlie Abrams's receptionist!
[He cackles gleefully]
Hawkeye: She looks a lot better in balloons than a uniform.
Margaret: [entering the office, immediately shocked] Colonel!
Henry Blake: Whoops!
Margaret: That's the most vulgar, base thing I've ever seen!
Hawkeye: Well, Margaret, you can't come in in the middle.
Margaret: It's disgusting!
Hawkeye: The critics panned it, too, but we're trying to judge it on its own merits.

Maj. Frank Burns: Scalpel.
Henry Blake: Gonna do some cutting, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, I figured I would go after the appendix while I'm in the area.
Henry Blake: That's not the appendix, Frank. That's my pinky. And I'm rather fond of it.

"M*A*S*H: There Is Nothing Like a Nurse (#3.10)" (1974)
Trapper: [In Frank's wedding video, Frank is about to cut the cake] Look, even then he didn't know how to hold a knife.
Hawkeye: [Laughs] Watch the cake die of malpractice.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Why do I feel sorry for Frank?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [about the bride] Do you suppose she'll take off her glasses?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Get the window, Klinger.
Trapper: Don't stand in the light.
Hawkeye: You little heartbreaker.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Everyone comfortable?
Hawkeye: Not for a year now.

Radar: These are his wedding pictures.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: They must be, I don't see a casket.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [not wanting to deal with Major Houlihan] Radar, turn on the news. Maybe the war just ended and I won't have to talk to her.

"M*A*S*H: Crisis (#2.21)" (1974)
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: All right, people, I'm gonna give it to you straight. Starting right here and now, we're all going to have to put our shoulders to the wheel, our noses to the grindstone. We've got to hunker down and pull together, all for one and one for all.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Welcome to the Henry Blake Cliche Festival.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar will be the housing officer. Now, before this is over, we may have to double up or even triple up to save heat. Radar will decide who sleeps with who.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Radar, I'd like to see you right after the meeting.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [Blake and Radar come into the Swamp for the night] Colonel Blake's party!
Hawkeye: We have your reservation, sir. A single bed for yourself and a cradle for your son.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Let's not have a lot of tongue-wagging in here tonight.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Which bed should I take, sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, let me face away from everybody, Radar, on account of me snoring.
Hawkeye: Oh, lovely!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Henry, you're joking.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Joking? Heh. I could be on the Olympic Snoring team. I snored the siding half off of my house. I even got a fan letter once from the seismograph people at Fordham.
Hawkeye: How are we supposed to sleep with that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, if it gets too bad, just do what my wife does.
Hawkeye: What's that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [smiling] Hold me close!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [everything in his office had been used for kindling] I mean, I'm speaking to you from deep inside a real big empty.

Radar: [as Hawkeye and Trapper wrestle with Frank Burns, for his battery-warmed socks] They're hunting socks, sir.
Henry Blake: At this hour?

Henry Blake: This will be a real test of my leadershipmanship.

"M*A*S*H: The Incubator (#2.12)" (1973)
Henry Blake: Captain Sloan here is with supply.
Captain Sloan: More accurately, I'm with the 375th Q. M. H. Q., COMSEAPAC, SEOULSEC REPDEP.
Hawkeye: Maybe I'll have that drink.
Captain Sloan: Now, the business at hand is an incubator, that is if my lieutenant understood what your colonel said you captains want.
Hawkeye: Right.
Trapper: And we need one as soon as possible.
Captain Sloan: Well, let's see what the good book says.
Hawkeye: The good book?
Captain Sloan: The Manual of Supply and Requisition.
Captain Sloan: Um, "inhalator, indicator, innoculator, infusilator - " Here it is: 437 - stroke - R2, incubator.
Henry Blake: Thar she blows!
Captain Sloan: "Device for developing bacterial cultures at constant suitable temperatures." Uh-huh. I see. That certainly makes sense. You can't have one.

Hawkeye: [Mocking Colonel Blake and Captain Sloan after being told they couldn't get an incubator] "Thank you, Colonel. Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient. You have a temperature of 109 - stroke - 10. Afraid you can't have an incubator, but you can have a pizza with everything to go. Unless of course, you go first."
Henry Blake: Let's stay on the ground, shall we, Pierce?
Hawkeye: Does the book allow us any ground, Captain? Otherwise, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you all to take a step up.
Trapper: Into limbo.
Hawkeye: No, you can't have any limbo. In fact, you can't have anything - stroke - nothing which is not approved by STATQUOPAC. Which is enough to make you reach for AIRSICKBAG.

Hawkeye: [exasperated at Quartermaster Sloan's denial of his request for a hospital incubator] We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven!
Captain Sloan: Oh, I can let you have one of those.
Henry Blake: No kidding! That would be great on movie nights! You got any of those pizza requisition forms?
Captain Sloan: [referring to a generic Army requisition form] Oh, just use one of those standard S-1798s and write in "pizza" where it says "machine gun."

Henry Blake: [to Hawkeye and Trapper, after an incident at IKOR] Did you really yell "Give me an incubator or give me death"?

Henry Blake: Wow. Did you really call a one-star general a "NINCOMPAC?"

Trapper: Radar, how do we go about requisitioning an incubator?
Henry Blake: Just HOLD it! I'm sick and tired of you guys going over my head down to Radar!
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Oh, I don't mind, Sir.

"M*A*S*H: The General Flipped at Dawn (#3.1)" (1974)
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: [off camera; probably pointing to the Swamp] What's that over there Colonel?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Officer's quarters, sir.
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: And there?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [proudly] That's our four-place latrine, sir.
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: Good thinking. The men can encourage each other.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Camaraderie.
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: Precisely!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [after General Steele dances out of a court marshal hearing singing a song] I take it we don't have to leave.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Only the general does.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, in a rubber truck.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Man. More stuff's coming in from headquarters. New orders, regulations. Read that first one, Radar.
Radar: Uh, yes sir. Uh, the winners of the model yacht race at the cesspool are...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Not that, Radar!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Nah, let him read it! I haven't seen a sports page in months!
Radar: First place went to Pvt. Norman Polanski with his yacht, the American Beauty Dream. Corncob construction, with toilet paper sails.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ah, that Polanski has the sea in his blood.
Radar: Second prize to Corporal Timothy McInerney for his clipper, the Evangeline, carved from a pound cake his mother sent him six months ago.
Trapper: Hope he doesn't invite us for dessert.
Radar: The remainder of the contestants didn't finish due to a sudden undertow after breakfast.

Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: [referring to an earlier remark Blake had made about his mother's canary] Canary had bronchitis, eh?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: He didn't die of it, though; he fell off his little swing and smashed his bill.
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: Good. I hate birds.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [arguing about General Steele's orders to move the camp closer to the front line] I can't just disobey orders! The guy's a 2 star general!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah. but he's a 3-star looney!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [to Radar, referring the General Steele waiting to find a location to move the unit to] Come on. Let's not keep Ding Dong waiting!

"M*A*S*H: Cowboy (#1.8)" (1972)
Henry Blake: Jeep crash. Tent... boom... crash... kill.

Henry Blake: [after the latrine explodes while he's in it] "Boom!"

Henry Blake: [in a chopper] Shouldn't I have a parachute?
John 'Cowboy' Hodges: It'll only break your fall.
Henry Blake: That's not funny.
John 'Cowboy' Hodges: Neither was you not letting me go home!

Henry Blake: Okay, Trapper! Don't think I don't know what you think I don't know!
Captain John McIntyre: [to Hawkeye] Would you translate that, please?

Henry Blake: Where were you tonight when that jeep went through my quarters?
Captain John McIntyre: [Jumping to his feet, startled] When the what went through your where?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: He was right here!
Henry Blake: Oh, yeah? And just where is here?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Here is where we are.
Henry Blake: [Deflating] Oh. This here here?

"M*A*S*H: Deal Me Out (#2.13)" (1973)
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more.

Henry Blake: [Hawkeye and Sidney are joking around off camera] Are we here to play cards or chew the fat?
Capt. Sam Pak: If I want to chew the fat, I'll eat a sandwich.

[an angry soldier is firing a weapon in the compound]
Henry Blake: Radar, what's going on?
Radar: It's a patient, sir. He blew his cork.
Hawkeye: Sidney, front and center.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch.

Klinger: ["The Conference" is under way] Five clams.
Trapper: I'm out.
Henry Blake: I'm in.
Hawkeye: I wonder what the chances are of my getting the fifth Jack? Oh well not to worry.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Your five, and up five.
Klinger: That's mean.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm gonna beat the pants off ya, lady.
Trapper: Hey! Where'd we get the kosher salami?
Capt. Sam Pak: I brought it! A little girl I knew at Berkley sent it. She's a yenta now.
Klinger: All right, all right. Here we go. Down and dirty!
[deals the next cards]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: [groaning at his hand] Aiyeeeee!
Hawkeye: What's your problem, poker face?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm "committing suicide."
Henry Blake: Go out in turn, Sidney. Whoops, just found something... but i'll check.
Hawkeye: Hey, I bought the fifth Jack... i'm out.
Klinger: Dealer bets ten bucks!
[tosses in the bet]
Klinger: Colonel?
Henry Blake: [Radar enters behind him trying to get his attention, Blake is fondling his chips] Let's see here.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Fondling your chips is very infantile.
Henry Blake: Not now, Sidney.
Radar: But sir...
Henry Blake: Not now, Radar.
Radar: Yeah, but sir...
Henry Blake: Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more!

Radar: Sir?
Hawkeye, Dr. Sidney Freedman, Army Capt. Halloran, Trapper, Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yes?
Radar: Colonel sir?

"M*A*S*H: Abyssinia, Henry (#3.24)" (1975)
Henry Blake: [Henry's final line, as he says good-bye to Radar] You behave yourself, or I'm gonna come back here and kick your butt!

Radar: Colonel, do you know what I found in the morning's mail?
Henry Blake: Now, that's a toughie. Hum a few bars, won't you, Radar?

Henry Blake: [Klinger is standing at attention in a tacky Carmen Miranda outfit] Klinger, that outfit might just get you that Section 8.
Cprl. Maxwell Klinger: I made it just for this occasion, sir. I was in such a hurry, I didn't get the back zipped.
Henry Blake: I'll do it.
[Klinger spins around]
Cprl. Maxwell Klinger: Up, sir.
[Blake zips it; Klinger spins back around and snaps to attention]
Henry Blake: There you go, soldier.
Cprl. Maxwell Klinger: Sir, I have a picture of me. Would you carry it in your wallet?
Henry Blake: Your pink evening gown.
Cprl. Maxwell Klinger: I knew it was your favorite, sir.

Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: [as the company assembles to see Henry off] Does the Colonel wish to review his troops?
Henry Blake: No, I just want to say goodbye.

Henry Blake: [at his farewell party, drunk] Woo, woo, woo!

"M*A*S*H: The Ringbanger (#1.16)" (1973)
Henry Blake: Don't move, Korea! This is a stick-up!

Henry Blake: Here's looking up your old address.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You're drunk!
Henry Blake: Oh, that's a dirty lie! And I intend to press charges. The minute I'm sober.

Henry Blake: [being force-fed shots of bourbon] Now this is the last one, Pierce, and then I have to shoot some targets - and I didn't even know they were in season.

"M*A*S*H: A Smattering of Intelligence (#2.24)" (1974)
Pratt: My people want to know what Flagg's people are up to.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: But why do we have to be in the middle? Can't you let my people go?

Vinnie Pratt: My people want to know what Flagg's people are up to.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, why do we have to be in the middle? Can't you let my people go?

Col. Samuel Flagg: Colonel, what's your clearance?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, I go through the door with about an inch to spare.

Colonel Flagg: What's your clearance?
Henry Blake: Oh, I go through the door with about an inch to spare.
Colonel Flagg: I mean security wise.

"M*A*S*H: The Army-Navy Game (#1.20)" (1973)
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [reading a set of instructions] And carefully cut the wires leading to the clockwork fuse at the head.
[Trapper cuts the wires]
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: But first, remove the fuse.
[pause. Everyone exchanges panciked looks. Trapper listens to the bomb with a stethoscope]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Psst. Psst.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You spring a leak?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: It stopped ticking.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let's get the hell outta here. We've only got two minutes, maybe ...

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Are those the right instructions, Henry?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I hope so.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I hope so, too. Otherwise I'm coming back in the next life as a squirrel and run right up your pants leg.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [about bombing] Pierce, are you scared?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't be silly, I'm too frightened to be scared.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Waiting impatiently for a phone call] Ring!
[Phone rings. Henry looks stunned]

"M*A*S*H: Private Charles Lamb (#3.14)" (1974)
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [serving a subsitute for the lamb] What is this?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: It's a Spam lamb!

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [after finding out he signed a medical release for a lamb] I must be going crazy.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Don't fight it, Henry.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Colonel Andropolis has the thing flown in all the way from Greece, and now the damned lamb has flown the coop!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Now that's a pretty neat trick.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: U.N. Command in Seoul's called. Boy! Am I in Dutch with the Greeks.
Captain John McIntyre: Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: The man's a fountain of straight lines.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Go ahead and joke. I'm in trouble up to my whatsis. One more chewing out and my belly button will cave in.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Uh, Sir?
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Not now, Radar!
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Uh, it's about the lamb, Colonel.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Where is it?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Well, uh. I don't want you to get in trouble, Sir. But, uh, it's been set free.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Well what horse's pa-toot did that?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Um.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: You did, Sir. You gave him a medical discharge this afternoon.
Captain John McIntyre: [reading form] Private Charles Lamb.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar! You tricked me!
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Well, I didn't wanna see him killed, Sir. I'd rather be barbecued myself with an apple shoved up my face!
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I gave a discharge to a sheep!
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: He's on his way to Tokyo now.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: On Bo Peep Airlines.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: A buddy of mine will reroute him to Iowa to my folks. I already radioed them. They're expecting him.
Captain John McIntyre: He can sleep in your room.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Your pants will just fit him.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I think I'm losing my mind.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Don't fight it, Henry.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I've got Command on my tail! And a hospital full of Greeks waiting on a lamb that's on a plane on his way to Iowa to become Radar's little brother!

"M*A*S*H: For the Good of the Outfit (#2.4)" (1973)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel Blake?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, Major Houlihan, Major Stoner...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major. Major Burns, Major Stoner...
Maj. Frank Burns: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Pierce...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I think we've made a major breakthrough here.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [after being introduced to Maj. Stoner from the Inspector General's office] This is somewhat of a frightening honor.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Pierce, don't start the threatening talk. I'm warning you!

"M*A*S*H: Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde (#2.5)" (1973)
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Do we have enough sherry and ginger ale for the general?
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, nobody does, sir.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Some dodo has been sending telegrams to President Truman.
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh sir, I know who the dodo is, it's Captain Pierce.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: How do you know that?
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: I sent it for him.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: I'm gonna be frank with you, Pierce.
Hawkeye: You're gonna be Frank with me?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [Annoyed] I mean blunt.
Hawkeye: Oh, that's good. Otherwise, Frank would try to be Henry with me. I don't think I could stand that.

"M*A*S*H: 5 O'Clock Charlie (#2.2)" (1973)
Henry Blake: [on the phone with General Clayton, while reading from a book that's upside down] While I've got you on the pipe, the suggestion's been made that we could use an oh-four W. W. nug. Yeah, that's right, sir. A nug so that we can, uh, uh - what's a nug sir? Well, a nug is,
[Frank turns the book over]
Henry Blake: uh, a gun, sir. A 40 M. M. gun.
Trapper: Henry, you gotta be kidding!
Hawkeye: We definitely do not need a nug.
Frank Burns: Keep your snoots out of this!
Trapper: We don't need a gun or a nug.
Hawkeye: What are you trying to do, get us into the war?
Trapper: [grabbing the phone] General, listen, you send a gun up here, and that's gonna draw fire. That won't do our wounded very much good.
Henry Blake: [taking the phone back] Give me that!
Hawkeye: [grabbing the phone] Get rid of the ammo dump, and we won't need a gun.
Henry Blake: [taking the phone back] Do you mind?
Frank Burns: [grabbing the phone] The previous suggestion is contraindicated, we need an antiaircraft gun desperately, general.
Hawkeye: Frank, how would you like a spontaneous nose job?

Frank Burns: I'm sure General Clayton would send us an anti-aircraft gun.
Henry Blake: And I'm sure General Clayton is not in the rent a gun business.

Henry Blake: [to Frank] Charlie is like one of our own. I mean, how would we know it's five o'clock if he didn't come over and try to blast that ammo dump?

"M*A*S*H: The Chosen People (#2.19)" (1974)
Capt. Sam Pak: Good news.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I'll take it.
Capt. Sam Pak: I had a long, reasonable talk with the farmer. Everything's cool.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Great.
Capt. Sam Pak: You got three days to get the hell outta here.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Sam, what's Korean for "suicide"?
Capt. Sam Pak: That's the Japanese. We don't do that shtick.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You wanna step in my office for another goody? Sam, this is Miss Choon Hi. The baby is Su Yong. Stand by for the fingering of the father.
Capt. Sam Pak: Aha.
Choon Hi: Him not doctor.
Capt. Sam Pak: You betcha. I don't make house calls.
[cowboy accent]
Capt. Sam Pak: Wal, Sheriff, looks like you got troubles right here in Pregnant City!

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: It's not mine!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: The mother says it is.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Well, what does she know? I mean, she's mixing me up with somebody else.
Capt. Sam Pak: That's possible. You all look alike to us.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Come on, Radar. Level. Could you be the father?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Of course I could, but I'm not. I mean, I do, but I didn't!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Do you admit that you know her?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Sure I know her. She's from the village. I've run into her a few times.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, *once* anyway.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: No! Never!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You'd better be telling the truth, Radar. They're sending someone from the Judge Advocate to question you.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I'm not worried.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, why would she pick on you?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Of all people.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Now what is that crack? Just 'cause I don't fool around like you guys doesn't mean I don't fool around like you guys!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Backed into a wall of his tent by a cow] Sit, lady. Stay. RADAR!
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Off] Sir, there's a Korean family out here!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well their dog's in here!
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Looking through door] Holy cow!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Never mind his religion, Radar! Just get him out of here.

"M*A*S*H: Mail Call (#2.23)" (1974)
[after Klinger tries once again to get out of the Army]
Henry Blake: Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Klinger: Yes, sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.

[Klinger reads Henry a letter from his mom that says his dad's dying]
Henry Blake: The father dying, right?
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Henry Blake: [takes out a stack of papers and reads them] Father dying last year. Mother dying last year. Mother AND father dying. Mother, father, and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: Half of the family dying, other half pregnant.

[after Klinger tries once again to get out of the Army]
Henry Blake: Klinger, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Klinger: Yes, sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.

"M*A*S*H: To Market, to Market (#1.2)" (1972)
[a chopper is carrying Lt. Col. Blake's desk away]
Hawkeye: Pardon me, Henry, isn't that your desk?
Henry Blake: Yeah, that's my genuine antique desk.
Trapper: Sending it out to be waxed?
Henry Blake: I'm not sure what it's doing up there. Just keeps going up... up... up...
Hawkeye: To a far, far better place, I'm sure.

Henry Blake: [cleaning his new oak desk] I'll bet you don't know what kind of wood this is.
Radar: It's oak.
Henry Blake: Nope. It's oak.

Henry Blake: Hey, haven't you got a relative who's a general?
Charlie Lee: You know how it is. We all look alike.

"M*A*S*H: Bananas, Crackers and Nuts (#1.7)" (1972)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [complaining about being overworked] If I don't get away from this place for a while, I'm gonna start picking flowers off the wallpaper.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Let go.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I had a dream last night that I was asleep, and I dreamt it while I was awake!

Captain Phillip G. Sherman: Colonel, I'm taking him with me to Tokyo tomorrow.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: You're gonna what?
Captain Phillip G. Sherman: I think Captain Pierce can use a few weeks of observation.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Well, wait a minute. I mean, what if I never get him back?
Captain Phillip G. Sherman: We'll do the best we can
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: This is the Army. Nobody can do the best they can.

"M*A*S*H: O.R. (#3.5)" (1974)
Frank Burns: [bombs heard in background] I hope we're giving it to 'em good, those little yellow reds.
Hawkeye: Frank, you better take two yellow reds and go to sleep.
Frank Burns: Oh, you like getting shot at, Dr. Goody Two-Shoes?
Hawkeye: I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread, transplant the American Dream: freedom, achievement, hyperacidity, affluence, flatulence, technology, tension, the inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. That's entertainment!
Frank Burns: Pierce, you are certifiably insane.
Hawkeye: Gee, I can't understand why. Here I am, 20,000 miles from home working as an extra in a war movie with this guy's blood dripping into my boot. Nurse, you want to do something about that, or must I kiss you into submission?
Lt. Ginger Bayliss: Right away, doctor.
Hawkeye: That's not insane-making, Frank. Neither is bedding down every night with a flea circus, or eating food prepared by a cook who used to make box lunches for Kamikaze pilots, or getting so bored out my skull, I put on my dress uniform for a trip to the latrine!
Frank Burns: Will you watch your language?
Margaret: There are nurses present.
Hawkeye: Oh, forgive me. I'd like to offer the nurses a blanket apology. Or even better, I'd like to offer them a blanket invitation.
Frank Burns: Smut merchant.
Henry Blake: Oh, pipe down, Burns.
Frank Burns: Oh sure, always. You jump all over me, but he can say what he wants, and he gets away with it. Colonel's pet, that's what you are!
Hawkeye: I'll get you at recess!

Margaret: Major Burns is being abused!
Henry Blake: Cut that out, Frank.

"M*A*S*H: Tuttle (#1.15)" (1973)
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [nervously answering a phone call from General Clayton] Col. Clayton, General Blake here sir.
Gen. Crandell Clayton: Steady, Henry.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Yes, sir.
Gen. Crandell Clayton: Uh, I just called to offer my congratulations.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well that certainly means a lot coming from you, sir. Uh, may I ask for what?
Gen. Crandell Clayton: Well, I just got a letter from Sister Theresa!
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh, I didn't know you had a sister.
Gen. Crandell Clayton: She's a nun.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh, you must be very proud, sir.
Gen. Crandell Clayton: Sister Theresa is a nun, who runs an orphanage near your outfit.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh well, well I mean, I don't know every nun in the uh, it's not my habit sir to uh, that's not what I mean.

Gen. Crandell Clayton: [discussing his plans over the phone with Col. Blake to recognize Tuttle's generosity] Therefore, I've decided to come out on the field tomorrow, and personally give Cpt. Tuttle a decoration.
Radar: [eavesdropping in on, and accidentally contributing to the conversation] Wow!
Gen. Crandell Clayton: What's that?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: I mean uh, wow, sir!

"M*A*S*H: Radar's Report (#2.3)" (1973)
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Corporal Klinger, this is Major Freedman, divisional psychiatrist.
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Major sir!
[curtsies wearing a frilly pink dress]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: You got me up here to ask me about him? About that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yeah well, you see, it really wasn't my idea.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: All the way from Seoul to ask me what? Whether he needs a girdle under that? Whether his seams are straight?... OK, OK. It's all part of the war, I guess.
[picks up a clipboard and looks at Klinger]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I have a few questions to ask you. Sit down, soldier.
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes sir!
[runs over to the chair. Freedman takes his time filling out the first part of his report]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Now, what's your name, honey?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: All right, let's have it. What's wrong with Klinger?
Maj. Frank Burns: What's wrong with Klinger? A soldier stands in your office in an evening gown and you ask what's wrong with him?

"M*A*S*H: Mad Dogs and Servicemen (#3.13)" (1974)
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar, these people took your dog home in a people bag.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar, I hate to bother you, but can you tell me where the key is to my liquor cabinet?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [groggy] It's under the back porch.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar, we don't have a back porch.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Oh, I'm sorry sir. I'll order you one in the morning.

"M*A*S*H: Sometimes You Hear the Bullet (#1.17)" (1973)
Henry Blake: Pierce, is there anything I can do to help?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's the first time I cried since I came to this crummy place. I don't understand that.
Henry Blake: Well, Gillis was your friend. I mean, it's only natural that you'd, uh, you know.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, I know why I'm crying now. Tommy was my friend, and I watched him die, and I'm crying. I've watched guys die almost every day. Why didn't I ever cry for them?
Henry Blake: Because you're a doctor.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The hell does that mean?
Henry Blake: I don't know. If I had the answer, I'd be at the Mayo Clinic. Does this place look like the Mayo Clinic? Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. And rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is, doctors can't change rule number one.

Maj. Frank Burns: Well, yes, Colonel, I've, um, put in for the Purple Heart.
Henry Blake: But according to your accident report, you tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.
Maj. Frank Burns: Yes.
Henry Blake: Is that the way you want it announced at the award ceremony? Tripped in the mud on the way to the shower?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, well, I, I...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Sir, this injury was sustained at a front-line unit. Technically that makes it battle-connected.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [entering] On that basis, we'll be handing out medals for social diseases.
Maj. Frank Burns: What are you doing here, Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I have a stethoscope fetish. This is the only place I can wear one without attracting attention. Henry, you're not going to endorse this idiot's application, are you?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: That's Major to you, Captain!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, you're not going to endorse this major idiot's application, are you?
Henry Blake: Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide when I decide and make my, uh, uh, decision, and that will, uh, decide.

"M*A*S*H: Springtime (#3.6)" (1974)
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I'm a doctor trying to marry a soldier in the middle of a war.
Operator: That's sick.

Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: My girl Laverne, she said yes! She agreed to marry me!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Klinger, has she ever seen you?
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: We've been dating since high school. Of course she's seen me.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I mean recently.

"M*A*S*H: The Sniper (#2.10)" (1973)
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Apart from the sniper, don't you think things are running fairly smoothly?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Nobody's eaten in 13 hours, sir.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yes. Well, that coincides with how long we've gone without food.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I have this peculiar metabolism. If I don't eat regularly, everything solid in my body turns to liquid. My shoes are full of water.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: We're under fire!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Hell's bells! We're a hospital! That's against the Geneva Convention!
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I'm not for it either, sir.

"M*A*S*H: Henry in Love (#2.16)" (1974)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: It's a very genuine pleasure to have you at the 4077th, Nancy dear.
Nancy Sue Parker: Oh, it's mine too. Everyone's been so terrific about being nice to me!
Maj. Frank Burns: It's nice to be nice... to the nice!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: She's darling, Henry. Looks a little like your oldest daughter, doesn't she, Frank? He has three.
Maj. Frank Burns: They're all back in the States.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, "goom-bye," people. We're gonna wet our whistle.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Glad to have met you.
[Henry and Nancy leave]
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: "Nice to be nice to the nice?"
Maj. Frank Burns: Just making conversation.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Try doing it with your mouth shut.

[last lines]
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Funny isn't it? I couldn't wait 'til she got here, and now I'm glad she's gone.
Hawkeye: If you sucked your gut in one more time, your belly button would have fallen out the backside.

"M*A*S*H: Officers Only (#2.15)" (1973)
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: General Mitchell, it is both an honor and a privilege and a pleasure to welcome you into that which only through your kind support and generosity are we able to be standing in the middle of it.

Kwang Duk: May I serve you, sir?
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: You betcha. I've been dying for a banana daiquiri.
Kwang Duk: Is that a drink, sir?
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Oh yeah. You just take, uh, some bananas, and some rum, and some cream and some crushed ice, and you just put it in a blender.
Kwang Duk: [sighs] We've got no bananas, no rum, and no blender, sir, and only powdered cream.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: OK, gimme a beer.

"M*A*S*H: House Arrest (#3.18)" (1975)
Frank Burns: I have got oak leaves on my shoulders.
Henry Blake: And I've got dimples on my butt.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [on the phone] Oh yeah? Well this is Col. Blake. I want that chopper here by 1600. And that's an order, Captain!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Since when have you been promoted to me?

"M*A*S*H: Major Fred C. Dobbs (#1.22)" (1973)
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [still with numb tongue and lips from a dentist appointment] It'sh absholutely inexshcusable! You two guysh should be sentenced to life in front of a firing shquad!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Boy, you guys are impossible!
Hawkeye: Well fire us, Henry. Fire us.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Listen, big shot, I'm gonna do more than that. I'm gonna do MORE than that.
[Leaves room, then comes back]
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What am I doing? This is my office. You guys get out of here!

"M*A*S*H: I Hate a Mystery (#1.10)" (1972)
Hawkeye: Good evening. Thank you all for coming. I trust you will forgive me for disturbing you at this late hour, but the time has come to unmask the guilty party - the perpetrator of this bad practical joke.
Frank Burns: We know who the guilty party is.
[to Henry]
Frank Burns: Why do you let him ...
Hawkeye: Contain yourself, Dr. Burns! Remember the old adage: "Methinks he doth protest too much."
Frank Burns: Who does he think he is?
Trapper: The Thin Man?
Hawkeye: You dislike me enough to wish me transferred to another base - preferably an enemy base. But let us not forget Major Houlihan. Tough, ambitious, yet greasy Major Houlihan. Why think of only one culprit? Why not a pair of sweethearts in crime?
Margaret: You are sick!
Hawkeye: Still, another colleague resents me because of his consistent losses at the gaming tables.
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: The man's a fruitcake!
Hawkeye: And yet you, Lieutenant, also had a motive of jealousy, because I share my affections among the ladies.
Lt. Barbara Bannerman: You told me I was the only one - !
Hawkeye: Ha! Of course, my legendary prowess among the fairer sex was cause for envy on the part of... Dr. McIntyre!
Trapper: Legendary? I've seen you strike out in a geisha house.
Hawkeye: Still, we must remember that the thefts were committed in several places, indicating that the thief had access to the various tents and was perhaps short enough to go unnoticed. There is only one man here short enough to bathe in his own helmet. Right, Radar?
Radar: Me? I'm not short!
Hawkeye: [chuckles] Let us not overlook the possibility of a mastermind who commands others to do his bidding, right, Henry?
Henry Blake: [waking up] Uhh, sign what, Radar? I'm sorry, Pierce. Uh, it's going very well.
Hawkeye: A most perplexing riddle, calling for the most ingenious of solutions. Thus I made it publicly known that there were fingerprints to be found on the stolen articles, thereby tempting the criminal to repeat his crime, and retrieve his ill-gotten booty - or his ill-booten gotty. Which he has done! However, in so doing, he has exposed himself.
[Frank closes his robe]
Hawkeye: Because I took the precaution of treating the stolen articles with hydrochloric-alpha-terracin.
Trapper: What's hydrochloric-alpha-terracin?
Hawkeye: A chemical which is at this moment coloring the culprit's fingernails... blue.

"M*A*S*H: Henry, Please Come Home (#1.9)" (1972)
Henry Blake: [after receiving an award] You people, you great doctors and you swell gals, who made this possible, are just too numerous to mention, but I'm mighty grateful to all of you - right down to my Right Hand, Cpl. Radar O'Reilly, who incidentally is in command of this unit, and just uses me as a front.
[Henry laughs nervously as everyone else stands stone-faced]

"M*A*S*H: George (#2.22)" (1974)
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [examining Lt. Col. Blake's ear] Wow!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What? What is it? What do you see?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I can't describe it... it's almost like a little Nativity scene...!

"M*A*S*H: Love and Marriage (#3.20)" (1975)
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: All right. He can't have the pass, but I will drop the charges.
Hawkeye: Henry, that's very decent of you. Would you like to try for human?

"M*A*S*H: Payday (#3.22)" (1975)
Henry Blake: I sure wish I knew what was going on.
Radar: I'll tell you later, sir.
Henry Blake: You know Radar, you always say that, but you never do.

"M*A*S*H: White Gold (#3.23)" (1975)
Klinger: Halt! Who goes there?
Henry: Out of the way, Klinger.
Klinger: I've got to have the password, Colonel.
Henry: Bull feathers!
Klinger: That was last week's password.
Henry: I don't remember the damn password!
Klinger: Then I can't let you pass, sir.
Henry: Klinger.
Klinger: Sir?
Henry: If I don't get to the latrine, something's going to happen that hasn't happened since I was six. If that happens, Corporal, you'll be in the army until you're a little old whatever-you-are, in correction shoes and support stockings. Now blow!
Klinger: Yes, sir!

"M*A*S*H: Aid Station (#3.19)" (1975)
Henry Blake: Frank, it's after six. You can stop being snotty.

"M*A*S*H: Adam's Ribs (#3.11)" (1974)
Henry: [after Hawkeye starts a riot in the mess tent over the food] Just who do you think you are, Pierce?
Hawkeye: I broke under the pressure, warden.
Trapper: Eleven straight days, Henry!
Henry: Well, don't you think I tried for some relieviation?
Radar: Yes, sir?
Henry: Radar, what happened to the frozen turkey I ordered you to order?
Radar: I put in the requisition, sir, marked "urgent."
Henry: Well?
Radar: They sent us five thousand athletic supporters.
Trapper: Marked "urgent!"
Henry: I don't find that such a rib-tickler, Mclntyre.

"M*A*S*H: Dear Dad (#1.12)" (1972)
Henry Blake: [stammering] Uh, now, uh, the, uh,
[clears throat]
Henry Blake: excuse me, uh, the, uh, union of, uh, figure A, man, and, uh, figure B, uh, the, uh, woman...
[chuckles from lecture audience]
Henry Blake: the most s-sublime expression of, uh, romantic love. However, only in the institution of marriage is it recommended that this expression take place.
Trapper: Uh, sir?
Henry Blake: Mm-hmm?
Trapper: Um, what happens in the event that, um, figure A is attracted to figure B and wants to get married, but figure A is already married to, say, figure C, and figure B is engaged to figure D, but figure A can't keep his hands off of figure B because she's got such a great figure?
Henry Blake: Uh-huh. Uh, well, according to the army, he's got to forget her.
Hawkeye: That figures.

"M*A*S*H: Life with Father (#3.8)" (1974)
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [His wife has taken up tennis] She wear those short little skirts. Lorraine has gorgeous legs since her varicose vein operation.
Captain John McIntyre: Have a drink, Henry.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [musing] What legs! A sailor followed her once four blocks, and she was wearing orthopedic shoes.

"M*A*S*H: Kim (#2.6)" (1973)
Hawkeye: I never saw you as a villan, Henry.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I am not the villian. I never tie girls to buzz saws, and I don't throw banana peels in front of the old folks home.

"M*A*S*H: Iron Guts Kelly (#3.4)" (1974)
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [answering phone] MASH 4077th, Colonel Blake here. When? How? Wow!
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: [curious about the phone call] What is it?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [covers phone] Oh, a Korean national on a bicycle, his family, their furniture and a pig made a bad turn and sent one of our ambulances over an embankment.
[on phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Was anyone hurt? Yeah? Yeah.
[covers phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well, they pulled six business girls out of the ambulance, they're ok, but the General's dead. He's been killed.
[on phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Who? Kelly?
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Wow!
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Kelly's been killed!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You'd think the girls would have broken his fall!
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Lord, he was just here! Well, what's he doing in an ambulance? I didn't know he was sick!
Colonel Wortman: [takes phone from Col. Blake] Colonel Wortman here, General Kelly's aide. Now listen carefully, this is an order. Take the General's body, put it in a Jeep, and drive it up to G sector.
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, sir, there's no fighting there, just diarrhea.
Colonel Wortman: [covers phone] I'll provide the fighting.
[on phone]
Colonel Wortman: Get on with it!
[talking to Radar again]
Colonel Wortman: Get me Kimpo Air base. I want a squadron of jets. And get me the Navy for some offshore bombardment. Major General Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly is gonna perish in a full-scale, blazing, all-out glorious, star-spangled bannered death.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [walks over to talk to Hawkeye and Trapper] Hey guys.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Yes, Henry.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Is he talking about killing a General who's already dead?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: That's right, Henry.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well, uh, isn't that sort of crazy?
Colonel Wortman: [on phone] And rockets! I want plenty of rockets!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's for the red glare.

"M*A*S*H: Requiem for a Lightweight (#1.3)" (1972)
Trapper: If you won't help us, we'll tell everyone your brother's in prison!
Henry Blake: My brother is the warden!
Hawkeye: We won't say that part!

"M*A*S*H: For Want of a Boot (#2.17)" (1974)
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Okay, sir, uh, you sign this top form, then initial all the rest.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Initial, Radar?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Oh, yes, sir. Your initials signify that instead of signing, you initialed. Uh, then you have to sign this form, which states that you merely initialed the forms that required signing. Then after you've signed, you put your initial where you signed so that people will know that you okayed your signature with your initial.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar, tell me the truth. Do you understand any of this?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Uh, I try not to, sir. It slows up the work.

"M*A*S*H: Dear Dad... Three (#2.9)" (1973)
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [watching old home movies] That's Milt Jaffe, the gynecologist from next door.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Oh, that's handy. Everyone should have a gynecologist next door.
Captain John McIntyre: I hate to ask what's on the other side.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Milt's very attractive wife comes up on screen] Ohh!
Captain John McIntyre: Yeah! Hey, hey!
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Boy, that Sylvia Jaffe is loaded for bear.
[Henry and Sylvia ham it up on screen with fake kiss and are caught by Milt. Laughs, Imitates Silent Movie Music]

"M*A*S*H: Divided We Stand (#2.1)" (1973)
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Alright, who ordered the pepperoni pizza?

"M*A*S*H: Germ Warfare (#1.11)" (1972)
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [while struggling to get out of the surgical gown and handcuffs that Trapper used to tie her to Frank] Colonel! Look at us!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: It does look pretty silly without the music.

"M*A*S*H: Sticky Wicket (#1.21)" (1973)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You know something Henry?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're not nearly as dumb as I thought you were.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Thanks. You know something Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You're disgusting when you try to be nice.

"M*A*S*H: Showtime (#1.24)" (1973)
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [about Korean baby's mother] Can she speak any English, Radar?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: No sir. But it's nice you can smile in Korean.