Capt. John Francis Xavier 'Trapper' McIntyre
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Quotes for
Capt. John Francis Xavier 'Trapper' McIntyre (Character)
from "M*A*S*H" (1972)

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MASH (1970)
Trapper John: Well, what's the matter with her today?
Hawkeye Pierce: I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things.
Trapper John: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.
Hawkeye Pierce: She can't even get out of the door, look.
[Hawkeye sits down with Frank]
Hawkeye Pierce: Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she...
Frank Burns: Mind your own business.
Hawkeye Pierce: No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?
Duke Forrest: What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?
Trapper John: Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour.
Duke Forrest: Ohhhh, is that a fact?
Hawkeye Pierce: Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?
Frank Burns: Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
Hawkeye Pierce: Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?
[Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye]
Hawkeye Pierce: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
Duke Forrest: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye! That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!

[Trapper is guest of honor at a party celebrating his appointment as Chief Surgeon]
Trapper John: ...No, no, no food, no food! Sex! I want sex! Give me some sex!
[notices Hot-Lips across the mess tent]
Trapper John: No, no, no, that one, the sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes! Take her clothes off and bring her to me!

Duke Forrest: What color was her hair?
Trapper John: Black, shiny. Shiny black hair.
Duke Forrest: Black. You like black, huh? I'm kinda partial to blondes myself.
Hawkeye Pierce: I knew it. I knew you had a - - had an attraction for Hotlips Houlihan.
Trapper John: Hear, hear.
Duke Forrest: Go to Hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. 'Sides, I'll bet she's not a real blond.
Hawkeye Pierce: How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army, sir.
Duke Forrest: I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with twenty bucks, how's that?
Hawkeye Pierce: You have yourself a bet, sir.
[to Trapper]
Hawkeye Pierce: You're my witness.
Trapper John: I'll be a witness, but who's going to be the poor schmuck who finds out?
Duke Forrest: We... We gotta all see it together. Somehow.

Trapper John: I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf.

Capt. Peterson: [hostile tone of voice] What are you two HOODLUMS doing in this hospital?
Hawkeye Pierce: Ma'am, we are surgeons and we are here to operate. We just waiting for a starting time. That's all.
Capt. Peterson: You can't even go near a patient until Col. Merrill says its ok and he's still out to lunch.
Trapper John: Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch.
[turns to Hakweye]
Trapper John: Ham and eggs will all right.
[turns back to Capt. Peterson]
Trapper John: Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.
Capt. Peterson: [outraged] Oh!
[turns to leave and bumps into Nurse in Japan]
Capt. Peterson: Oh! Fool!
[stomps out of ward]
Nurse in Japan: How do you want your steak cooked?

Capt. Ezekiel Bradbury 'Me Lay' Marston IV: [in the middle of an operation] Who are you guys?
Hawkeye Pierce: [mock-British accent] I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually, and this is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
Trapper John: Grrrr!
Capt. Ezekiel Bradbury 'Me Lay' Marston IV: Why don't you save that rapier-like wit for the clam-diggers back home, Hawkeye?

[Trapper has just opened a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer]
Hawkeye Pierce: I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini?
Trapper John: A martini? Yeah, I'd love a martini.
Hawkeye Pierce: [to Ho-Jon] Ho-Jon, get the gentleman a martini.
[to Trapper]
Hawkeye Pierce: I'm sure you will find them satisfactory. They're quite dry.
[sips from his glass]
Trapper John: Don't you guys use olives?
Duke Forrest: Olives? Where in the hell do you think we are, man?
Hawkeye Pierce: We have had to make certain concessions for the war; we ARE three miles from the front line.
Trapper John: Yes, but you really can't savor a martini without an olive, you know.
[reaches into coat pocket and pulls out a jar of cocktail olives, while Hawkeye and Duke stare dumbfounded]
Trapper John: You see, otherwise, it just doesn't... quite... make it.
[he drops the olive into the glass on the last word]

Trapper John: Finished work for the day?
Frank Burns: Yes. Why?
Trapper John: Good. I was hoping you'd have time tonight to sleep this off.
[Trapper punches Burns to the floor and injures his hand just as Colonel Blake and Hotlips walk in]
Trapper John: [in pain] Ow! Damn! Son of a bitch!
Colonel Blake: Trapper! Captain McIntyre! What the hell?
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [incredulous] That's a *captain*?
Colonel Blake: What happened? Who started this?
Trapper John: I hit him! He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead!
Frank Burns: He wouldn't have touched me if I had my guard up.

Colonel Blake: What the hell's gotten into you?
Trapper John: I dunno. I must be losing my punch. I never expected the son of a bitch to get up.

Trapper John: Well, you know, Man o' War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had an average of about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals a year, and he lived to be thirty-six. And then when he died, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen.

Trapper John: [after practicing golf shots on heli-pad with Hawkeye, a pilot along with Vollmer comes to talk to him] Lieutenant! You look terrible! Look at... Captain look at his eyes. Let me see your tongue.
[inserts cigar as thermometer]
Trapper John: Oh no, no, here take your shirt off and tell me where it hurts. I haven't seen a case like this since I was in school, oh my goodness. Listen, Vollmer, tell them to prepare for major surgery, this is one case in five, I think I can save you Lieutenant.
[handing lieutenant golf balls]
Trapper John: Lieutenant, I think I can save you. Look, take one of these every half hour, now get into your helicopter, and button up your shirt for crying out loud! You're in a military army!

Trapper John: [In O.R] Dish, let me have a long needle holder.
Duke Forrest: [Mulcahy is performing the last rites on a casualty] Hey, Dago! Dago! Dago, I want you over here to hold this retraction. Now! Please, come on, now!
Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy: Sorry, I'm coming.
Hawkeye Pierce: Hi, Dago.
Duke Forrest: I'm sorry, Dago, but this man is still alive and that other man is dead, and that's a fact. Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago? Hell... Where the hell... Do ya see it?

Trapper John: If this guy knew the clowns who were operating on him, I think he'd faint.
Capt. 'Ugly John' Black: I think he has.

Trapper John: But Hawkeye, that man has five times the man power to draw than we do.
Hawkeye Pierce: Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right? We get Henry to apply, making a specific application for a neurosurgeon. He asks for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones.
Duke Forrest: Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones...
Trapper John: Oh... who is...
Duke Forrest: Who the hell is Oliver Harmon Jones?
Hawkeye Pierce: Better known as "Spearchucker" Jones.
Trapper John: He's a good ball player?
Duke Forrest: Oh yeah. He's that nigra that played for the 49ers. He's good. He's GOOD.

Trapper John: General, you can't blame Henry because Hot Lips can't stand her name.

"M*A*S*H: A Smattering of Intelligence (#2.24)" (1974)
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Boy, did I ever hear something by accident in the office just now.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Giving the wall a physical again, Radar?

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: That Col. Flagg... he's a CPA.
[everyone looks confused]
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: No, honest. I heard him tell Col. Blake to keep it quiet. That he's here on a secret mission.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Radar, you mean CIA.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I do? Wow!

Pratt: If I ask the colonel to see the major's file and they're cosubversives, they'll pull the old dossier switch-a-roo, and I'll chalk up a zilch.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Boy I wish you came with English subtitles.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: He means he's gonna break into Frank's file tonight. Right?
Pratt: It's called breaking and entering.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's a good thing your a cop. Otherwise, that's illegal.

Vinnie Pratt: If I know Flagg, he ordered the chopper to crash then got out and hit himself with a hammer.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: You're kidding.
Vinnie Pratt: A switch on the way he infiltrated the CID last year: drove his jeep into a wall, then set himself on fire.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Is this guy available for children's parties?

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Those guys are doped up most of the time anyway.
Maj. Frank Burns: Doped up on patriotism, fella! Something we're in pretty short supply of around here.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Here, here!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, we're running low. Get another order of "Yankee Doodle."

"M*A*S*H: Tuttle (#1.15)" (1973)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [creating Tuttle's service record] Religion?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Atheist.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't believe in atheism. Let's make him a Druid.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: What's that?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They worship trees.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Ah, a tree surgeon.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [writing] Druid, reformed. They're allowed to pray at bushes.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [creating Tuttle's profile] Now something for Hotlips. Height: 6 foot 4. Weight: 195 pounds. Hair: Auburn. Eyes: Hazel...
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Hawkeye, I think I'm in love.

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: How did you come up with a name like Tuttle anyway?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He was my imaginary childhood friend.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: You had an imaginary friend?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, if anybody said, who knocked over the garbage? I'd say Tuttle. Who broke the window? Tuttle. Who wet the bed?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Tuttle!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He had no control.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: So when you got drafted...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Tuttle got drafted.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Just in case you wet your cot.

Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Have you seen Tuttle?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: You just missed him. He went to X-ray with Hot Lips. Said something about doing some chest pictures.

"M*A*S*H: Crisis (#2.21)" (1974)
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [playacting] "What did you do in the war, Daddy?"
Hawkeye: "I was latrine officer, son. My outfit never made a move without me!"
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [throwing papers into the stove] Hey, should we leave in the staples?
Hawkeye: Damn the staples, man. This is war. Everyone has to live dangerously.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [the door opens and lets in a blast of cold air. Radar comes in with men carrying cots] Hey, close the door!
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Okay, guys, put 'em right in here.
Hawkeye: What's going on?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [holding up clipboard] New sleeping arrangements, by order of Corporal O'Reilly, housing officer.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Trapper grabs the clipboard and throws it in the stove] Hey!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: By order of Captain McIntyre, heating officer.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: All right, people, I'm gonna give it to you straight. Starting right here and now, we're all going to have to put our shoulders to the wheel, our noses to the grindstone. We've got to hunker down and pull together, all for one and one for all.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Welcome to the Henry Blake Cliche Festival.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar will be the housing officer. Now, before this is over, we may have to double up or even triple up to save heat. Radar will decide who sleeps with who.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Radar, I'd like to see you right after the meeting.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [Blake and Radar come into the Swamp for the night] Colonel Blake's party!
Hawkeye: We have your reservation, sir. A single bed for yourself and a cradle for your son.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Let's not have a lot of tongue-wagging in here tonight.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Which bed should I take, sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, let me face away from everybody, Radar, on account of me snoring.
Hawkeye: Oh, lovely!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Henry, you're joking.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Joking? Heh. I could be on the Olympic Snoring team. I snored the siding half off of my house. I even got a fan letter once from the seismograph people at Fordham.
Hawkeye: How are we supposed to sleep with that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, if it gets too bad, just do what my wife does.
Hawkeye: What's that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [smiling] Hold me close!

"M*A*S*H: Aid Station (#3.19)" (1975)
Hawkeye: [Addressing Radar's mess tray] Two mounds of mashed potatoes for breakfast?
Captain John McIntyre: I think I used to go steady with that tray.
Hawkeye: We could patent that, you know? Potato Falsies.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [eating with Margaret] Foul Mouths! There IS a lady present
Captain John McIntyre: [Looks around] Well, where is there a lady present?
[Klinger walks over to table]
Hawkeye: Now there's a lady present!

Hawkeye: Listen.
Captain John McIntyre: Yeah.
Hawkeye: While I'm gone.
Captain John McIntyre: Yeah, yeah.
Hawkeye: Promise me you'll go out with other doctors.
Captain John McIntyre: Yeah, right. And when you come back, knock twice and give me five minutes.

Hawkeye: In my locker.
Captain John McIntyre: Yeah.
Hawkeye: There's a letter.
Captain John McIntyre: Ok.
Hawkeye: It's my will.
Captain John McIntyre: Right.
Hawkeye: I leave everything to the Benjamin Franklin Pierce Memorial Brothel.
Captain John McIntyre: [laughs] I'll deliver it in person.

Hawkeye: Shall we drink to Douglas MacArthur or Ish Kabibble?
Captain John McIntyre: I don't know. They both mean so much to me.
Hawkeye: No Kidding. Let's drink to something important.
Hawkeye, Captain John McIntyre: [In unison] To the Ritz Brothers!
[Gulp martinis and throw them at the door]

"M*A*S*H: Mail Call (#2.23)" (1974)
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: I know one guy who shipped himself home in a harp case. That took a lotta pluck!

Father Francis Mulcahy: [Trapper, drunk, is sitting at the piano at the O Club] Is something bothering you, Trapper?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: I'm not Catholic, Father.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, all in good time... Which is more that I can say about your piano playing.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [Trapper, drunk and still upset about the letter he received from home, is packing] I gotta see my daughters... Do you know how long it's been since I made love to my wife?
Hawkeye: At least one daughter ago... Trap, leaving a war in the middle is very upsetting to those who invited us.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Hey, listen: I don't like a movie, I get up and leave. I don't like the war; I'm going.
Hawkeye: Aw, c'mon, Trap, you gotta stick around and see how it ends!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Oh, but it doesn't end. It's continuous. When it finishes here, they take it on the road.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [Trapper is trying to leave the Swamp with his duffel bag; drunkenly intending to go AWOL. Hawkeye stands inside the door ] See you in the funny papers!
Hawkeye: Trap...
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Hey, Hawk. Outta the way.
Hawkeye: I don't want to use violence.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Then I will.
[he hits Hawkeye with the bag, knocking him down]

"M*A*S*H: Pilot (#1.1)" (1972)
Hawkeye: Hey, Ho-Jon, come here. I got a letter from Dean Lodge.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Is that a good place to stay?

Maj. Frank Burns: What are you doing up there?
Hawkeye: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.
Maj. Frank Burns: Since when are you two interested in the Bible?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.

[first lines]
[Trapper drives a golf ball, which sets off an explosion in the mine field]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Fore!
[Radar stops in mid-football practice to look out over the hills]
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Here they come!
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: I don't hear nothin'.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Wait for it.

"M*A*S*H: The Ringbanger (#1.16)" (1973)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [hoodwinking Major Houlihan as to why he and Trapper are keeping Colonel Brighton from returning to his unit] Buzz Brighton has lost all confidence in himself. Not just as an officer; as a man!
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: This morning there were tears on his pillow.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The bigger they are, you know. More than once they found Patton sobbing inside his tank.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Once he showed up at an air raid in high heels.
Col. Buzz Brighton: You mean he's a...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: But a good surgeon.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: And nurse!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: And drink your milk.
Col. Buzz Brighton: What milk?
[Radar sneaks a glass of milk into the tent]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Why THAT milk you were asking for all morning.

"M*A*S*H: Chief Surgeon Who? (#1.4)" (1972)
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Halt!
Henry Blake: Klinger!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Who goes there?
Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: The man's NAKED!
Hawkeye: Aw, come on, Klinger, put on a dress or something.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: At least a slip!

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: May I make a suggestion about Major Burns?
Henry Blake: Yes, Sir.
Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Give him a high colonic and send him on a ten-mile hike.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: With full pack.
Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Good touch.

Hawkeye: Threes and nines are wild. If you want, you can buy a new card on an open four.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Except February, which has 28.

"M*A*S*H: Bombed (#3.15)" (1975)
Major Margaret Houlihan: I'm going to lay down now because I'm very tired, and there better not be any hanky-panky.
Captain John McIntyre: I don't even have a hankie, and my pankie is in my other suit.

Major Margaret Houlihan: [trapped, crying in McIntyre's arms] I'm so embarrassed.
Captain John McIntyre: Why?
Major Margaret Houlihan: I outrank you!

Major Margaret Houlihan: Everybody thinks I'm so hard and tough and here I am crying like a baby! Do you mind?
Captain John McIntyre: No, it's the first soft water that's touched my body in a year.

"M*A*S*H: Iron Guts Kelly (#3.4)" (1974)
Maj. Frank Burns: [Frank knocks on Margaret's door and sees Hawkeye and Trapper] What's going on?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Nothing's going on, Frank. I just couldn't sleep.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: And we couldn't sleep.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: So we're all here not sleeping together.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [answering phone] MASH 4077th, Colonel Blake here. When? How? Wow!
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: [curious about the phone call] What is it?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [covers phone] Oh, a Korean national on a bicycle, his family, their furniture and a pig made a bad turn and sent one of our ambulances over an embankment.
[on phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Was anyone hurt? Yeah? Yeah.
[covers phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well, they pulled six business girls out of the ambulance, they're ok, but the General's dead. He's been killed.
[on phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Who? Kelly?
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Wow!
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Kelly's been killed!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You'd think the girls would have broken his fall!
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Lord, he was just here! Well, what's he doing in an ambulance? I didn't know he was sick!
Colonel Wortman: [takes phone from Col. Blake] Colonel Wortman here, General Kelly's aide. Now listen carefully, this is an order. Take the General's body, put it in a Jeep, and drive it up to G sector.
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, sir, there's no fighting there, just diarrhea.
Colonel Wortman: [covers phone] I'll provide the fighting.
[on phone]
Colonel Wortman: Get on with it!
[talking to Radar again]
Colonel Wortman: Get me Kimpo Air base. I want a squadron of jets. And get me the Navy for some offshore bombardment. Major General Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly is gonna perish in a full-scale, blazing, all-out glorious, star-spangled bannered death.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [walks over to talk to Hawkeye and Trapper] Hey guys.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Yes, Henry.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Is he talking about killing a General who's already dead?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: That's right, Henry.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well, uh, isn't that sort of crazy?
Colonel Wortman: [on phone] And rockets! I want plenty of rockets!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's for the red glare.

Colonel Wortman: What's wrong? Is the general ill?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: He's a little past ill.
Colonel Wortman: What are you saying?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's dead.
Colonel Wortman: Dead? Wh - he, he can't be dead!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Look, we both studied dead; this man's dead!
Colonel Wortman: Wh - he, he w - he was fine a little while ago. What happened?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Myocardial infarction.
Colonel Wortman: What does that mean?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It means his pearl-handled guns are up for grabs now.

"M*A*S*H: For Want of a Boot (#2.17)" (1974)
Frank Burns: [Hawkeye has thrown Frank a surprise party to buy off Margaret] Pierce, Mclntyre, this is the happiest night of my life, buddies!
Hawkeye: You want to share the happiness, Frank?
Frank Burns: With the whole world!
Hawkeye: Sign this.
[Hands him Klinger's Section 8 discharge papers]
Frank Burns: Sure! What is it?
[reads papers]
Frank Burns: Never! You're asking me to let a pervert out of the army?
Hawkeye: Oh, right, Frank. By all means, let's keep the perverts *in* the army.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Klinger's not a pervert!
Margaret: How do you know?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Because I'm one and he's never at the meetings!

Margaret: Henry Blake is a sham commander, a farcical administrator, and a spineless, irresponsible, lecherous old beanbag.
Hawkeye: Margaret, we're not going to get anywhere if you keep holding back!
Margaret: My report is going to General Mitchell!
Hawkeye: Ah come on, reconsider. Henry's less than perfect, but we are a team!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Yeah, it's just that he's been in one too many scrimmages without his helmet.

Margaret: [Offering Hawkeye and Trapper a deal that would stop her from sending a scathing report about Henry Blake to General Mitchell] Today is Frank's birthday.
Hawkeye: Yeah yeah...
Margaret: I think a surprise party in the mess tent tonight, with a big cake and at least twenty people, and presents... might just stop my report.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: It's a deal!
Hawkeye: It is not! I have just run out of hypocrisy! My dignity tank is getting dangerously low! You expect me to drag twenty screaming people to a party for Frank Burns and paint smiles on their faces? And presents? Half this camp spends its time sticking pins in little Frank Burns dolls! I will debase myself just so far for a pair of boots! Ha! Party for Frank Burns?
[Hawkeye then storms out of Margaret's tent, followed by Trapper, and immediately steps into an ice cold mud puddle with the boot with the large hole in the sole]
Hawkeye: I think I'll start with a few hors d'oeuvres, followed by baked ham and hot biscuits. If they'll stay hot, that's the only problem.

"M*A*S*H: Cowboy (#1.8)" (1972)
Henry Blake: Okay, Trapper! Don't think I don't know what you think I don't know!
Captain John McIntyre: [to Hawkeye] Would you translate that, please?

Henry Blake: Where were you tonight when that jeep went through my quarters?
Captain John McIntyre: [Jumping to his feet, startled] When the what went through your where?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: He was right here!
Henry Blake: Oh, yeah? And just where is here?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Here is where we are.
Henry Blake: [Deflating] Oh. This here here?

"M*A*S*H: As You Were (#2.20)" (1974)
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Get up, Frank. You've just been promoted from patient to doctor.

[Hot Lips and Frank enter The Swamp to find Trapper and Hawkeye dressed in gorilla suits]
Maj. Frank Burns: Pierce? McIntyre?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What is it, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: Take off those masks!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Take off those suits!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: We will if you will.
Maj. Frank Burns: Where did you get those costumes?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: What costumes?
Maj. Frank Burns: The costumes you're wearing!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: These aren't costumes. We stopped shaving last month.

"M*A*S*H: The Army-Navy Game (#1.20)" (1973)
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [reading a set of instructions] And carefully cut the wires leading to the clockwork fuse at the head.
[Trapper cuts the wires]
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: But first, remove the fuse.
[pause. Everyone exchanges panciked looks. Trapper listens to the bomb with a stethoscope]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Psst. Psst.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You spring a leak?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: It stopped ticking.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let's get the hell outta here. We've only got two minutes, maybe ...

Soldier: [wakes seeing Klinger standing over his bed] Doc?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Yeah?
Soldier: How come the nurse needs a shave?

"M*A*S*H: Life with Father (#3.8)" (1974)
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [His wife has taken up tennis] She wear those short little skirts. Lorraine has gorgeous legs since her varicose vein operation.
Captain John McIntyre: Have a drink, Henry.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [musing] What legs! A sailor followed her once four blocks, and she was wearing orthopedic shoes.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Chim Sa is looking for a rabbi to perform a bris] I'll do the circumcision, but you'll have to find a Jewish chaplain to lay on the prayers.
Captain John McIntyre: Can Father Mulcahy do Jewish?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Only if he can read Latin from right to left.

"M*A*S*H: Dear Dad... Three (#2.9)" (1973)
Captain John McIntyre: Understand you're in need of a medical man here.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I see you couldn't find one.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [watching old home movies] That's Milt Jaffe, the gynecologist from next door.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Oh, that's handy. Everyone should have a gynecologist next door.
Captain John McIntyre: I hate to ask what's on the other side.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Milt's very attractive wife comes up on screen] Ohh!
Captain John McIntyre: Yeah! Hey, hey!
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Boy, that Sylvia Jaffe is loaded for bear.
[Henry and Sylvia ham it up on screen with fake kiss and are caught by Milt. Laughs, Imitates Silent Movie Music]

"M*A*S*H: Private Charles Lamb (#3.14)" (1974)
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Colonel Andropolis has the thing flown in all the way from Greece, and now the damned lamb has flown the coop!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Now that's a pretty neat trick.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: U.N. Command in Seoul's called. Boy! Am I in Dutch with the Greeks.
Captain John McIntyre: Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: The man's a fountain of straight lines.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Go ahead and joke. I'm in trouble up to my whatsis. One more chewing out and my belly button will cave in.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Uh, Sir?
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Not now, Radar!
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Uh, it's about the lamb, Colonel.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Where is it?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Well, uh. I don't want you to get in trouble, Sir. But, uh, it's been set free.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Well what horse's pa-toot did that?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Um.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: You did, Sir. You gave him a medical discharge this afternoon.
Captain John McIntyre: [reading form] Private Charles Lamb.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar! You tricked me!
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Well, I didn't wanna see him killed, Sir. I'd rather be barbecued myself with an apple shoved up my face!
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I gave a discharge to a sheep!
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: He's on his way to Tokyo now.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: On Bo Peep Airlines.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: A buddy of mine will reroute him to Iowa to my folks. I already radioed them. They're expecting him.
Captain John McIntyre: He can sleep in your room.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Your pants will just fit him.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I think I'm losing my mind.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Don't fight it, Henry.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I've got Command on my tail! And a hospital full of Greeks waiting on a lamb that's on a plane on his way to Iowa to become Radar's little brother!

"M*A*S*H: Bananas, Crackers and Nuts (#1.7)" (1972)
Maj. Frank Burns: [Hawkeye is elaborately eating while in surgical garb] What's this funny business?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: There's nothing funny to me, Frank. I happen to be very serious about this delicious piece of liver.
Maj. Frank Burns: Where'd you get liver? They're serving hamburger.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You can't have any.
Maj. Frank Burns: Fine. But where did you get it?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: From the North Korean.
Maj. Frank Burns: North Korean? What North Korean?
Maj. Frank Burns: [beat]
Maj. Frank Burns: You mean the one that...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The one who croaked!
[Frank moves forward and moves the plate slightly to get a better look]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [outraged] You touched my plate! You're not sterile! You've ruined my liver! Ruined it! And we're all out of North Koreans!
[Trapper moves forward and slaps Hawkeye across the face]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't think I needed that.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Radar, take him back to the Swamp and make sure he takes the BLUE pills.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Frank] Flithy liver thief!

"M*A*S*H: The Longjohn Flap (#1.19)" (1973)
Captain John McIntyre: [Sees Frank in the longjohns] Look at what the giant rodent has on his body.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Supparating pustules, if there's any justice.
[to Frank]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Where'd you get those longjohns!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Wouldn't you like to know!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [picks up empty gas can and prepares to hit Frank with it] Those are MINE, you hermaphordidic weasel!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Possession is nine-tenths of the law, Pierce. And I'm sleeping with a loaded baseball bat under my pillow, so don't try anything!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: If I didn't think those would keep you warm, Frank, I'd come over there and beat you to a pulp. Say your prayers, Frank, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth!

"M*A*S*H: O.R. (#3.5)" (1974)
Frank Burns: What I don't understand is why do people take an instant dislike to me?
Captain John McIntyre: It saves time, Frank.

"M*A*S*H: Dear Dad, Again (#1.18)" (1973)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Knock knock.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Who's there?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Abe Lincoln.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Abe Lincoln who?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't you know me?
[laughs hysterically]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: That's awful.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Wait, can I do another one?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: No!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Knock knock.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Who's there?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thomas Jefferson.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Thomas Jefferson who?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Was Abe Lincoln just here?
[laughs even more hysterically]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Hawkeye, I've never liked you.

"M*A*S*H: Mad Dogs and Servicemen (#3.13)" (1974)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: I'm taking this to a higher authority.
Captain John McIntyre: Aw Frank, are you going to your mother again?

"M*A*S*H: Payday (#3.22)" (1975)
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [Frank is sneaking from behind the showers] Leave your duck in the shower, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: Oh, scram-skee!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Pervert! Fork over 75 bucks, or I'll tell the A.M.A.
Maj. Frank Burns: You wouldn't! You're bluffing.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: How could you tell?

"M*A*S*H: Sometimes You Hear the Bullet (#1.17)" (1973)
[Hawkeye and Trapper come upon Frank sprawled on the ground, with Margaret looking on nervously]
Hawkeye: What's the matter, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: It's my...
Margaret: His back. It's his back.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: How'd it happen?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, I...
Margaret: [fibbing] Uh, he fell.
Margaret: [pointing] On his way to the shower.
Margaret: [pointing in another direction] He was coming from that direction.
Margaret: [and another] From his tent, I guess.
Margaret: [and another] Going in that direction.
Margaret: [pointing once more] The showers.
Hawkeye: And were you directing traffic at the time of the accident, officer?

"M*A*S*H: The Moose (#1.5)" (1972)
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [after Young Hi leaves to go home and be sold again] We were so close.
Captain John McIntyre: We get an E in effort.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I can use a drink.
Captain John McIntyre: Make it a triple.
Young Hi: [reenters the Swamp] I know how to do that!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You're not leaving?
Young Hi: Not only staying, also not going. I remembered the most important thing I was taught. To know who to tell to shove off! I tell Benny most important thing I learn from you: who to tell "shove off!"
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, Captain John McIntyre: Good!

"M*A*S*H: Officers Only (#2.15)" (1973)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major Burns is ready to assist.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: What do you think I'm doing? Stalling 'til my room is ready?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I think it only fitting that a Captain be assisted by a Major when working on the son of a General, Colonel.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think you just conjugated the Pentagon!

"M*A*S*H: Divided We Stand (#2.1)" (1973)
Major Margaret Houlihan: [about Hawkeye and Trapper] There isn't a nurse in this camp they haven't tried to molest.
Captain John McIntyre: Except the male ones.
Hawkeye: Speak for yourself.

"M*A*S*H: House Arrest (#3.18)" (1975)
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: I've never been to a rape before.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Maybe for your next birthday.

"M*A*S*H: Rainbow Bridge (#3.2)" (1974)
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: I'd like to see my wife again.
Hawkeye: I'd like to see anybody's wife again.

"M*A*S*H: Check-Up (#3.7)" (1974)
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [They both think Trapper is going home] Thanks, Trap.
Captain John McIntyre: What?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You made it bearable. I was lucky. You were honest, and open. You let me lean on you.
Captain John McIntyre: No charge.

"M*A*S*H: Edwina (#1.13)" (1972)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: May I say, that I find this whole proposition highly
Captain John McIntyre: Colonic?
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Irregular.
Captain John McIntyre: I was close.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: And I will not partake in this unholy confluence.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Uh, Frank. I think I speak for everyone here when I say that if you don't lend your full cooperation to our little enterprise you will be stripped naked, painted purple and dropped by helicopter behind enemy lines.

"M*A*S*H: The Chosen People (#2.19)" (1974)
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: It's not mine!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: The mother says it is.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Well, what does she know? I mean, she's mixing me up with somebody else.
Capt. Sam Pak: That's possible. You all look alike to us.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Come on, Radar. Level. Could you be the father?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Of course I could, but I'm not. I mean, I do, but I didn't!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Do you admit that you know her?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Sure I know her. She's from the village. I've run into her a few times.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, *once* anyway.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: No! Never!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You'd better be telling the truth, Radar. They're sending someone from the Judge Advocate to question you.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I'm not worried.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, why would she pick on you?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Of all people.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Now what is that crack? Just 'cause I don't fool around like you guys doesn't mean I don't fool around like you guys!

"M*A*S*H: A Full Rich Day (#3.12)" (1974)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I thought you said he was dead!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [shrugs] He got better.

"M*A*S*H: Abyssinia, Henry (#3.24)" (1975)
Captain McIntyre: [rushing into the OR, shortly after Henry's departure... Trapper sees him unmasked] Radar, put a mask on!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: If it's about my discharge, give it to me straight! I can take it!
Radar: I have a message.
[voice breaking]
Radar: Lt. Col. Henry Blake's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan... it spun in. There were no survivors.
[Margaret begins to cry softly... the surgeons continue their work in absolute silence]