Major Charles Winchester
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Quotes for
Major Charles Winchester (Character)
from "M*A*S*H" (1972)

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"M*A*S*H: Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen (#11.16)" (1983)
Maj. Winchester: Klinger, with your penchant for scams, I've no doubt that in no time at all you will own this country. And, you can have it.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Thanks, Major - if I'm ever in Bean Town, I'll look you up.
Maj. Winchester: Oh, gee, unfortunately, I'll be out of town then.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Uh-huh.

Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Major. I hope you don't mind leaving in a garbage truck, but it's the last vehicle I got.
Maj. Winchester: Not at all - what better way to leave a garbage dump.

Maj. Winchester: I'm sure Sgt. Rizzo will find me another mode.
Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Well, I'll go take a look, but we ain't got too many modes left, Major.

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: In human terms, the cost was much greater. The U.N. forces have suffered the following casualties - Killed in combat - 71,500. Missing and captured - 83,263. Wounded - 250,000.
Hawkeye: [operating on a/another wounded soldier] Make that two hundred fifty thousand and one.
B.J.: And two.
Col. Potter: Three.
Maj. Winchester: Four.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: And there's twelve more out in the hall.

[an explosion occurs]
Maj. Winchester: I thought we had a system here, they fire three rounds and they move on.
Father Mulcahy: Wait a minute, what happened to that pattern they had of firing off three rounds and then going away?
Maj. Winchester: Good question... again.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Aren't those idiots afraid of being spotted?
Col. Potter: I guess they figure the tank's worth the risk.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Or maybe they brought in a second mortar squad.
[Another explosion occurs]
Maj. Winchester: Or maybe a third.
Hawkeye: Well, the "more-tar" merrier, ha ha ha!

[Chinese musicians were playing off-key]
Maj. Winchester: No, no, no, no, hold it, hold it. Dolce! Dolce! Dolce!
Col. Potter: The Chinese have been torturing Winchester for a week now.

B.J.: A big glass of fresh, ice cold milk.
Hawkeye: For me, a banana. And of course, what's a banana without a piece of chocolate cake?
[Some other people in the O.R. laugh]
Hawkeye: What are you laughing at? It's wonderful.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: It is delicious - I'm going to take a three-hour bubble bath.
Nurses: Oh, yeah.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: How about you, Colonel - what's the first thing you want when you get home?
Col. Potter: Well, I like fresh corn. I mean real fresh corn. So I think maybe I'll just take a hot plate out to the garden, make a pot of boiling water, then I won't even pick that corn - I'll bend that stalk till the ear dips into the water, and I'll eat it right there standing up. Scrumptious!
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: How about you, Charles, what are you looking forward to?
Maj. Winchester: I am looking forward to a hemostat.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [handing Winchester a hemostat] Hemostat - there's no need to bite my head off.
Maj. Winchester: Sponge.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [handing Winchester a sponge] Sponge. You know, I just don't see why some people can't be grateful if other people try to help them.
Maj. Winchester: Don't you?
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: I think a person is lucky if somebody cares enough to help. Where would I be without my father's help?
Maj. Winchester: Oh, where indeed? He's pulling in three different directions, if you get any luckier, there's going to be a piece of you in every corner of the world.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Maybe some people just can't feel gratitude.
Maj. Winchester: Maybe some people like having other people run their lives, but some people don't.

Maj. Winchester: Well, I'm going to be head of thoracic surgery at Boston Mercy Hospital, so my life will go on pretty much as I expected, with one exception. For me, music was always a refuge from this miserable experience, and now it will always be a reminder.

Maj. Winchester: Well, goodbye, Father. I must say you've made this hellhole a trifle less unbearable.
Father Mulcahy: It certainly is.
Maj. Winchester: What? What?

Sergeant Luther Rizzo: [leading Winchester to a "crowded" jeep] Okay, Major, pile on.
Maj. Winchester: As what, a hood ornament?

A soldier: Timber!
[He and some other soldiers take down a tent]
Maj. Winchester: How I wish I could have swung the axe.
Hawkeye: Just think of all the rats who are homeless now.
Maj. Winchester: Oh, don't worry, you'll find somewhere to go.

Maj. Winchester: Just a minute. You handle our food and dig latrines?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Don't worry, sir. I always wash my hands before I dig the latrines.

Maj. Winchester: I don't understand why it should take so long to construct a simple potty shed.
Col. Potter: Winchester, you'll just have to use the ravine latrine like everybody else. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Maj. Winchester: Rome? Rome?

Maj. Winchester: Hi, good morning. I wonder if I could lighten your mailbag by one letter. The name is Winchester, Charles E.
mail deliverer: Sorry, Major, nobody opens this sack till I get a receipt from your company clerk.
Maj. Winchester: Well, gee, this is a letter from a hospital.
mail deliverer: I don't care if it's from Dr. Pepper, I need a receipt.
Maj. Winchester: Ha, Dr. Pepper.

Maj. Winchester: I have a standing in the medical community, and I don't need the help of a nurse.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: It's a good thing I'm a lady, or you'd need a nurse buddy.

[Maj. Winchester was followed by Chinese musicians, one of whom was pushing a motorcycle]
Maj. Winchester: [to Col. Potter] I believe these gentlemen have surrendered.
Col. Potter: [to one of the POWs' guards] Let's get them inside and process them, Corporal.
[to those Chinese musicians]
Col. Potter: Come on, boys. Not too much solid food right away.
Col. Potter: [to one of the POWs' guards] They probably couldn't hold it down.
B.J.: [pushing that motorcycle] I'll make sure the motorcycle doesn't escape.

[a "first" explosion occurs at the M*A*S*H unit]
Col. Potter: Everybody, hug a sandbag!
Maj. Winchester: [running for cover] Get out of my way!
Maj. Winchester: [a "second" explosion occurs]
[to Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger]
Maj. Winchester: I thought you said you had everything under control.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: I did! Even I was fooled by that tent. I almost delivered mail there.
Col. Potter: Well, it didn't fool them, they know that tank's here someplace. They ain't seen it driven out in the daytime, and they ain't heard it driven out at night.
[a "third" explosion occurs]
Col. Potter: Okay, that's three. Get ICORPS on the phone, time to kick some ear.

Maj. Winchester: [Listening to Mozart - all of a sudden asks with disgust] What is that atrocious odour?
B.J.: [Painting his bike - stops and sniffs his brush] Yellow!

"M*A*S*H: Fade Out, Fade In (#6.1)" (1977)
Charles: Get me Tokyo.
Radar: On the phone?
Charles: No, open the window and yell.

Charles: What is that odor?
Radar: Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine.
Charles: The wind is from the south.
Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.

Charles: Sir, my father knows Harry Truman. He doesn't like him, but he knows him.
Col. Potter: Fine, you have dad call Harry, then have Harry call me, and then we will work something out. In the mean time, vamoose.
Charles: Yes, sir, I am... vamoosing. But know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.
Col. Potter: I think he's starting to get the hang of this place.

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [of the broken phone] Somebody madder than you got to it first.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Corporal, there is no one madder than me.

[Winchester is having his part of the Swamp cleaned by a local]
Korean Woman: Finish!
Charles: You have not done the corners!
Korean Woman: Finish!
Charles: You haven't made my bed!
Korean Woman: Finish!

Col. Horace Baldwin: For the next 48 hours, you belong to a MASH unit that's short a man.
Charles: MASH? That's one of those traveling medicine shows, isn't it?
Col. Horace Baldwin: Right. Grab the next flight to Seoul and get out to Colonel Potter at the 4077th.
Charles: Why send your best doctor into a war zone?
Col. Horace Baldwin: Relax. It's just like two days here... except for the artillery... and the snakes. Better get moving, Winchester.
Charles: Surely you jest.
Col. Horace Baldwin: Surely you *go.*

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Winchester, sir, may I ask a question?
Charles: You may.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could I stop by sometime for a cup of ego?

Col. Potter: You're staying because I need you.
Charles: [incensed] And if I refuse?
Col. Potter: You'll be making gravel at Leavenworth! Comprende?
Charles: [resigned] Comprendo.

Maj. Winchester: [explaining his approach to surgery] I do one thing at a time, I do it very well, and then I move on.

Hawkeye: [after finding in his own bed the snake he and BJ had put in Charles' bed, to Charles, who is listening to classical music] Clever, very clever.
Charles: [looking over shoulder] Please, Mozart.

Charles: [Upon surveying the camp] A charming place, an inflamed boil on the buttocks of the world.

"M*A*S*H: Rally 'Round the Flagg, Boys (#7.21)" (1979)
Hawkeye: [Hawkeye tries to get bidding signals from his bridge partner] I'm reminded of a story. You've probably heard it. The, uh, King and Queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs, when their son, Jack, remarked how strange it was they had only two hearts between them. Just then, Deucey and her little dog, Tres, started singing "Four Diamonds are a girl's best friend." Whereupon the entire family beat her to death and buried her with two spades. Did you get it?"
Charles: Everybody did.
Hawkeye: Well, I didn't. What do I bid?
Everyone: Two clubs!
Hawkeye: Please! No prompting. I bid two clubs.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [to Flagg who is in a garbage can with the lid perched on his head] I get it, you are under cover.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [to Flagg who is in a garbage can] I'm going to see Col. Potter about getting you better quarters.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Colonel, we would all appreciate it, if you just stuck to thumb screws.
["finding" a piece of paper under a petient's pillow]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Hello, what is this?
Colonel Flagg: [snatching the paper from Charles] It's for me. Whatever it is.
[opens the paper]
Colonel Flagg: A diagram of a camp.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Looks like this camp.
Colonel Flagg: [thoughtfully] Looks like this camp.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: There's a circle around my quarters.
Colonel Flagg: Pierce's quarters. This circle in the corner with two arrows.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: A clock.
Colonel Flagg: [as if the thought just occurred to him] A clock.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: 10 o'clock.
Colonel Flagg: [realizing] 10 o'clock. So a secret rendezvous...

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [about Flagg] ... I knew I had to find his weakness. And I did, right about his neck.

Colonel Flagg: [holding up a finger] Do you believe that I can break you leg with this finger?
Charles: [stammering] Strangely enough, I-I-I-I do.

"M*A*S*H: The Winchester Tapes (#6.5)" (1977)
[about Hawkeye]
Charles: Why this constant preoccupation with sex?
B.J.: Lack of occupation with sex.

Charles: Finally, a peaceful moment to conclude this tape. The would-be lothario Pierce is fast asleep, and the 38-hour day is done. Now, Mother and Dad... I will put this as eloquently... and succinctly as possible...
[opens tea kettle and pulls out a rubber chicken]
Charles: Get me the hell out of here!

Charles: As I was saying, sir, I feel I could be more useful in Tokyo or even the states.
Col. Potter: Not to me, commissioner.
Charles: This meatball surgery of yours is causing my skills to deteriorate. They're wasting away!
Col. Potter: Don't change the color of your face! I'm out of umber.
Charles: And I'm out of patience! This place is driving me mad!
Col. Potter: Cool off, Winchester.
Charles: How can I cool off in this God forsaken pest hole.
Col. Potter: You're here so get used to it!
Charles: You haven't lifted a finger to get me transferred.
Col. Potter: That's right and I don't intend to.
Charles: I certainly think you ought to consider...!
Col. Potter: [shouting] Not again, Major! I've had enough of your beefing! I need you here and you'll stay here like the rest of us! Here, your face is finished.
[presents a painted portrait of Charles shouting]

[describing Klinger and Maj. Houlihan]
Maj. Winchester: There is a transvestite corporal with dreadful taste in clothes and a head nurse who is part seductress and part Attila the Hun.

Maj. Winchester: Father, you must know someone influential who can get me out of here. Talk to Senator Griswold. After all, you paid good money for him.

Maj. Winchester: Our spiritual advisor through this Oriental purgatory is a cock-eyed optimist who sounds like Dennis Day.
[describing Father Mulcahy]

"M*A*S*H: The Life You Save (#9.20)" (1981)
Pvt. Markham: [A GI has just had a near-death experience. Charles is trying to find out what it was like] I really don't understand what you want.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: When I was very young, my little brother died...I couldn't fully comprehend it at the time. But for months after the....accident, I was unable to pass his room without this...Nameless fear. I would get this, uh, tingling sensation in my chest and my arms. And then yesterday, when I found out that I indeed had come close...Very close to death myself, that sensation returned.
[B.J. enters]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: But you were there. You were there. If only for a moment, I must know what you felt.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Excuse me, can I see you outside a moment, Doctor?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Yes, of course.
[They walk outside of Post-op]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Yes?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Are you alright?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Perfectly.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Nothing is bothering you?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Absolutely nothing.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Then what the hell is the matter with you?! Every time I go into post-op, you're hovering over Markham like a ghoul. That's some graveside manner you've got...
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: As you recall, I am partly responsible for him being alive right now!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Then let's let him rest in peace.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Let me ask you a question, Dr. Schweitzer. Can you honestly stand there and tell me you've never wondered what it was like?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: What what was like?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: What that boy went through right there! He was dead. Haven't you the slightest bit of curiosity about what lies beyond?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: No, I figure I'll find out soon enough.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Well, you may be able to cloak yourself in denial, but I am not afraid to face up to the harshest reality of all.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [angrily] Let me give you another harsh reality, Doctor. Markham is MY patient. You stay the hell away from him!

Maj. Winchester: [Charles is temporarily in charge of the motor pool] Fine job of work, Rizzo. Every valve. Every disc must be removed from the Jeep and placed on the sheet in its assigned order.
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Major, I don't understand, why am I taking this Jeep apart? It was working just FINE!
[Slams down gasket]
Maj. Winchester: On the sheet, Rizzo. On the sheet. On the sheet. Don't you understand the power you have here? You can take a Jeep apart and reduce it to an inert pile of junk and whenever you want--at a whim-- you can fit it together again and it will roar back to life. If only we could do that with human beings. They wouldn't die.

Charles: [In a Jeep] Start you fool! START!
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Major, what are you doing?
Charles: Why won't this idiotic engine turn over?
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: 'Cause, I tucked it into bed on that sheet over there like you told me.
Charles: Well I must have transportation immediately. What's available? Do any of these work?
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Only the ambulance...
[Charles runs for the ambulance]
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: But that's off limits except in a medical emergency!
Charles: [Climbs in] This IS a medical emergency.
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Where are you going?
Charles: Battalion Aid!

Col. Potter: Are you also aware that you could get killed up there?
Charles: Actually no, that thought hadn't occurred to me. That would be interesting, wouldn't it?

"M*A*S*H: The Merchant of Korea (#6.14)" (1977)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: I make it a point to never drink anything that came out of a radiator.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Charles, how come you never sweat?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: In the first place, I do not sweat; I perspire. In the second place, I never perspire.

Sgt. Zelmo Zale: Hey, what're you doing? That's "Mañana"!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Don't you have any Rakhmaninov?
Sgt. Zelmo Zale: Nah, we don't carry any vodka.

"M*A*S*H: April Fools (#8.25)" (1980)
Margaret: [bursting in] Who left the dead minnows in my pocket?
Charles: They were alive when I put them there. You killed them!

Charles: [after snakes pop out of the praline can] The truly cruel thing about this joke is that there are no pralines.

Charles: One does not wax philosophical when one is about to be sent to Leavenworth...
Charles: My God, that's in Kansas.

"M*A*S*H: Bottoms Up (#9.15)" (1981)
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Enters tent] Charles, I have something incredible to tell you.
Major Charles Winchester: [Stands] Here you are, Pierce. Let me make this easy for you. Here you go.
[Drops trousers]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: No, I don't want your pants. I come in peace.
Major Charles Winchester: Oh, no need to pull my leg, Pierce. Here you go, now you say 'Got you Charles, ha ha ha' and the then you leave.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: How can I make you listen to me?
Major Charles Winchester: Cannot.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Okay, here you go. Here you are.
[Drops trousers]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Here's a show of good faith.
Major Charles Winchester: Oh, the nudist magazines are finally taking their toll, eh?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: No, no, nothing like that. All I want is a brief conversation.
Major Charles Winchester: Concerning what?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Concerning your enemy and mine BJ Hunnicut. This is a man with two faces, each one containing a forked tongue.
Major Charles Winchester: Why, what's he done?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Everything. I was supposed to sit in that glue in the officer's club, only he arranged for the chairs to be switched and you'd get it again.
Major Charles Winchester: You expect me to believe this, Pierce?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Charles. I swear I'm telling the naked truth. As Klinger as my witness. He was the one who switched the chairs on BJ's instructions. and it was BJ's idea that you go bareback in the OR too.
Major Charles Winchester: Pierce, this sounds like the rantings of a lunatic. Are you telling me this is true?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Absolutely. Our own clean cut, adorable, soft spoken BJ is a perverse genius. He magnificently orchestrated things so you'd get humiliated, I'd get blamed and he'd get his jollies.
Major Charles Winchester: My word. Machiavelli would have been proud.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: But it's not over yet. You know the old saying: he who lives by the joke shall die by the joke.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Viewing photos of the revenge prank on BJ] These came out great. That BJ is the living end.
Major Charles Winchester: Proof past that behind every great man there is a great behind.
[Hawk, Winchester and Kinger laugh]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: These are wonderful.
[to Klinger]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What took you so long with these?
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Well, to develop photos of this sort you need more than a dark room. You need a dark alley.
[Hawk, Winchester and Kinger laugh. BJ comes up behind]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Ah, ah. Not funny. Not funny.
[Snatches photos]
Major Charles Winchester: My, isn't he a testy one?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: He's going to be absolutely beside himself when he sees those eight by tens on the bulletin board.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: No.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Yeah.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Ahhhhhh!
[Runs screaming as Hawk and Winchester laugh]

Major Charles Winchester: [Chair glued to his behind, Winchester struggles over to the bar] Max, get me a knife!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Major, don't! It's not worth it!
Major Charles Winchester: For my pants!
[Begins undoing belt, turns to crowd]
Major Charles Winchester: Attention, attention all personnel! It would appear that ol' Doc Funnypants is at it again and once again, I am the butt of his joke.
[Crowd boos]
Major Charles Winchester: Please, please, please. We must all remember that the poor man is demented, he's obviously suffering from a fanny fetish.
[Points at his behind, crowd laughs and applauds]
Major Charles Winchester: Thank you all very much, you are indeed a source of inspiration during these
[inhales as Klinger accidentally cuts him]
Major Charles Winchester: difficult times. I assure you, I shall endure.
[Crowd applauds. Klinger cuts away the trousers and Winchester stands up and heads for the door]
Major Charles Winchester: Thank you Max. Thank you.
Major Charles Winchester: Klinger, I will need another pair of trousers.
Major Charles Winchester: Perhaps several. No telling how often I'll be torpedoed by Rear Admiral Pierce.
[Mock salutes Pierce and leaves]

"M*A*S*H: Cementing Relationships (#9.3)" (1980)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: What do we got to lose?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: For one thing, me. These hands work on nothing lower than an appendectomy.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Well, our loss is our gain.
Hawkeye: Okay, Klinger, you're on. But you better know what you're doing.
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: Trust me. I know cement and it's not that hard.

Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [Charles is painting a caution sign] How come you got the easy job and we had to bust our buns?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Very well. Klinger, how do you spell 'caution'?
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: C-A-W...
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: I rest my case.

Charles: What on earth are you talking about and in what language are you saying it?
Ignazio: How can you not see she love you?
Margaret: I don't love him!
Charles: That's one way.

"M*A*S*H: Dear Sis (#7.14)" (1978)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [On the phone with Radar's mother, who is about to deliver a calf] Alright, listen carefully, Mrs. O'Reilly. You're going to have to put your hand inside the cow and turn the calf around.
Radar: [grossed out] OH! OOOH, MAN! Oh, boy! Father.
[Father Mulcahy sits him down]
Radar: WHOA, BOY! OH! OH!

Radar: Our cow's in labor.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You held up a phone call to my sister so that he could bless a COW?
Radar: Well, cows are people too, ya know.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: And I'm arguing with him.

Radar: Oh! It's coming out backwards!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Like everything else around here.

"M*A*S*H: Old Soldiers (#8.18)" (1980)
[Klinger has delivered letters to all the senior staff as per Col. Potter's order]
Hawkeye: "You are invited to my tent tomorrow night at 1900 hours. Cordially, Sherman Potter. PS: That's an order." I don't understand.
Margaret: [entering from another room] You won't believe what was left on my door.
BJ: The crowd thickens.
Hawkeye: Let me guess, does it look like this?
Margaret: You got one?
BJ: We all did.
Mulcahy: [entering from outside] Hello, all. Say, I just received the most peculiar...
[they all hold up their own letters]
Mulcahy: Oh... does anyone know what this means?
BJ: I do. We're all invited to Col. Potter's tent for an after-dinner riddle.
Hawkeye: Klinger, did he say anything to you what he gave these to you?
Klinger: No. Just ordered me to deliver them and made a beeline for his office with that package he got today.
Margaret: Package? What was in it?
Klinger: I don't know, but he's been antsy about getting it ever since the trip to Tokyo. Came from some lawyers.
Hawkeye: Lawyers? Why would he be hearing from lawyers? Divorce?
Margaret: That's stupid. Who would divorce that sweet, wonderful man?
Hawkeye: Maybe it's a lawsuit.
BJ: Tax problem.
Charles: Or a will. I don't wish to sound ghoulish and, mind you, I pray I'm assessing the evidence incorrectly, but what if the sick friend with the bad lab report is a ruse and it's Col. Potter who's sick.
Margaret: No, don't even think that.
Hawkeye: Let's not jump to conclusions.
Charles: Agreed, but that would explain the phone call, the trip to Tokyo, his mood and the package from the lawyers.
BJ: Yes, it would.
Hawkeye: Look, if he's ill, we'll find out soon enough. I'm sure he'll tell us in his own way.
Mulcahy: [looks at his letter again] Maybe he is.

[Potter is sharing the brandy with his new friends to pay tribute to his old friends]
Potter: As I recall, it was mighty smooth in '17.
Charles: Well, it should be magnificent now.
Potter: Just one thing, I'd like to make the first toast solo... to my old buddies.
Potter: [hold up his glass]
Potter: Here's to you, boys. To Ryan, who died in WWI: the War to End All Wars. To Gianelli, who died in the war after that. To Stein, the joker of the crowd. And to Gresky, my best friend, who just passed away in Tokyo. You were the friends of my youth. My comrades through thick and thin and everything in between. I drink to your memories. I loved you, fellas... one and all.
Potter: [drinks]
Potter: Still mighty smooth. Okay, that's the old, now for the new.
Potter: [raises his glass]
Potter: To love and friendship.
[they all drink]

[Potter has gathered the senior staff in his tent]
Potter: It was a long time ago, 1917 to be exact, and I've put on a dozen or so pounds since then. We were in France, under a heavy artillery barrage. My buddies and I laid low in an old French chateau. We were quite a group, the five of us. Went through hell together and lived to get drunk about it. What a great bunch of guys.
[shows them a picture]
Potter: That's us. I'm the one mugging for the camera. Anyway, there we were in this chateau, Stein finds a cache of fine brandy and we sat up all night. The shells were screaming and we were singing and toasting our friendship. Then we got down to the last bottle...
[opens the box that was sent to him]
Potter: this very bottle here. Any of you know what a tontine is?
Charles: Yes. A tontine is a... pledge.
Potter: Give that man a cheroot. The five of us made a pledge. We'd save this bottle, let some legal eagle stow it for us and whoever turned out to be the last survivor of the group, he'd get the bottle and drink a toast to his old buddies. For good or bad, you're looking at the last survivor.

"M*A*S*H: Trick or Treatment (#11.2)" (1982)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [singing] We're having a party/ A Halloween party/ It might be amusing/ To watch a ghost boozing/ And see if it can/ can, can.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Rather than sing, Super Mouth, why not try leaping off a tall building in a single bound?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Can't help it, Charles. My voice is more powerful than a locomotive.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh, my dear man. How can I find out what's wrong with you if you don't cooperate?
Pvt. La Roche: [Billiard ball is stuck in his mouth] Mmm-mmm!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh, I see. You want me to take your temperature.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: GADZOOKS! Do you realize you have something in your mouth?
Pvt. La Roche: Mm-hmm!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: What on earth could that be?
Pvt. La Roche: Mmmm mmmm mmm mmmm!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: There's a little 6 painted on it. Could that be how old you are?
Pvt. La Roche: Mmmmm-mmmm!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Now I see. You may not realize this, but you have a pool ball lodged in your mouth. No sweat, there is an alternative: I'll just take your temperature the other way.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: When I was a kid, Halloween wasn't for getting pie-eyed. It was for getting the skivvies scared off of you.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh come now, Colonel. Hobgoblins are the hobgoblins of little minds.

"M*A*S*H: No Sweat (#9.11)" (1981)
Klinger: [Klinger has taken apart the PA system. The parts are scattered across the floor] Do you know anything about PA systems?
Charles: Only that they convey sound at a greatly increased volume, if they have not been dismantled by a "cretin" who doesn't know how to put them back together again.

Charles: [Sorting out his tax returns] As of last Tuesday, our C.P.A. is a certified public enemy. Having been incarcerated on five counts of fraud, two counts of embezzlement, and countless counts concerning accounts for which he cannot...account.

Klinger: [Describing carbon paper] Without this black gold, I might as well close up shop. The rest is in the safe.
Charles: [sarcastically] Carbon paper in the safe, what brilliant foresight. In only two million years it will turn into diamonds.

"M*A*S*H: Picture This (#10.20)" (1982)
B.J.: [reading a letter] Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Oh, this is terrific. The other day, Peg took Erin out to eat. And so they're sitting in this restaurant, and Erin taps Peg on the shoulder and says, "Potty, Mommy". All by herself. Isn't she incredible?
Charles: A veritable potty prodigy.
B.J.: So, Peg takes Erin to the restroom and when they get back, Peg is so excited she tells the waitress, next thing you know the manager comes over and brings Erin a big chocolate milk shake to celebrate. Ha, ha, ha!
Charles: Oh, I wish I could've been there to see that.
B.J.: Oh, don't you? Don't you, though... Oh, no! When she got home, Erin was so excited she wet her pants.
Charles: Hunnicut, I really wouldn't let one little accident mire such a noteworthy event.

Col. Potter: [about his grandson] The kid is barely out of diapers and...
Charles: Colonel, I beg you no potty stories.
Col. Potter: Potty stories? I was just going to say that the boy had his first pony ride.
Charles: Oh. Of course.
Margaret: Speaking of potty training, my first cousin had...
Charles: We aren't speaking of potty training. We shall never speak of potty training so long as I am standing here.
Col. Potter: Hey, Major, you seem to be a little touchy on the subject of potty training. Could it be that you were a member of the rubber sheet brigade?
Charles: Don't be absurd, Colonel Potty.

Charles: Pierce, day time is for talking. Night time is for sleeping.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Forget it.
B.J.: Look, we're over here fighting for democracy. All those in favor of turning off the light, say "Aye". Aye!
Charles: Aye.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Sorry, the polls closed at sundown. I will turn off this light when, and only when, I get to the end of this book.
Charles: Very well, Pierce.
[Gets out of bed, walks over to Hawkeye, picks up his book and tears off the last few pages and back cover, then hands it back to him]
Charles: You are now at the end of your book.
[Turns off light]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Turns light back on] Just a minute!
[a pillow is hurled at him]

"M*A*S*H: Bottle Fatigue (#8.16)" (1980)
Charles: Pierce, you remind of a dog I once had. He too was cheerful in the morning, so I gave him to a family of immigrant Japanese... and they ATE him.

Hawkeye: You've written her three days in a row. What are you trying to do, get bulk mail rates?
Charles: I am trying, you unamusing little man, to prevent a wedding which begins
[in Italian accent]
Charles: "Eh, do youse take this woman?"
Hawkeye: Before you start writing poison pen blessings, Charles, why don't you lie down and dry out?
Charles: Because inebriation will enable me to form the words that will sway my sister.
Hawkeye: Perfect. Right now you're an expert at swaying.
Charles: [reads letter] "I await with bated garlic breath the announcement of your first born: To Honoria and Vito 'The Big Knife' Machete, a 12 pound, 10 ounce organ grinder."
Hawkeye: When you mail that, you better wear a disguise. Why don't you dress up as a human being? No one will recognize you.
B.J.: All right, that does it.
B.J.: That does it! I've had it with
[to Hawkeye]
B.J.: your sanctimony and
[to Charles]
B.J.: your bigotry! What I need is some tranquility. Like in a machine gun nest.

"M*A*S*H: Life Time (#8.11)" (1979)
Hawkeye: [celebrating the successful transplant] We made someone who is part George and part Harold.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [recovering from donating the blood] And part Winchester.
Hawkeye: That's right! When he wakes up, he won't know whether to be brave, generous, or pompous.

Lieutenant Kellye Yamato: I brought the arterial grafts, doctor.
Hawkeye: Let me see them. No, these are too small. If too much of the aorta is gone we're gonna be in big trouble.
Lieutenant Kellye Yamato: Well, this one's pretty big.
Hawkeye: No, that's no bigger than a piece of spaghettini. I need rigatoni.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Spoken like a true meatball surgeon.
Lieutenant Kellye Yamato: Rigatoni? Doctor, I'm part Chinese and part Hawaiian. Can you put that in ethnic measurements I can understand?

"M*A*S*H: Dear Comrade (#7.11)" (1978)
Hawkeye: [after barging in and startling Charles, causing him to spill his wine on himself] Guess who, Charles!
B.J.: We're back!
Charles: You're like a belch from a bad onion!

B.J.: [All five men are drunk] Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! Kwang, am I crazy, or-or is your English improving?
Hawkeye: Yeah.
Charles: Yeah.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Yeah, youz-you talkin' real good right now.
Kwang: Ah, yeah. W- Aaah, it must be the whiskey.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Ah.
Kwang: Fill me up, Charlie.
Charles: How dare, do you realize who you're tal- a day ago, I employ- oh, what the hell.
[pours Kwang some whiskey]

"M*A*S*H: Pressure Points (#10.15)" (1982)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: You cut onions with my Swiss Army Knife?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: No, a Swiss Army officer did it.

Maj. Sidney Freedman: Major, I've never seen you in your summer uniform.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: This is the real me
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Sorry to hear that.

"M*A*S*H: Potter's Retirement (#6.22)" (1978)
Major Charles Winchester: Winchesters do not spy.
Major Charles Winchester: Although on occasion, we have hired them.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Charles appears to drink from a bottle of hair tonic] Charles, stop! You're drinking your hair!
Major Charles Winchester: Hm? What? Oh. This isn't hair tonic, it's 12 year old scotch. You don't think I'd keep it in the original bottle do you?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Ewww! I've been drinking from his scotch bottle!

"M*A*S*H: Oh, How We Danced (#9.14)" (1981)
Hawkeye: [Charles has been punched by Major Finch] Don't worry, Charles, every clout has a silver lining. You just put that tooth under your pillow tonight and by morning, the Winchester fortune will have been increased by a dime.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Please shut up, Pierce.
Hawkeye: [Holds up dukes] Oh yeah? You wanna make me?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Will you just let me bleed in peace?
Hawkeye: Or in pieces.

Charles: Here. This is what I risked my life for.
[hands piece of paper to Colonel Potter]
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We didn't know if you were late, Charles, or the late Charles. We thought maybe you'd been shot and we were trying to figure out which side did it.
Charles: Hunnicut, go hurt yourself.

"M*A*S*H: Captains Outrageous (#8.13)" (1979)
Drunken G.I.: She dumped me for a college boy. Do you think a college guy is better than me?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: ...which college?

Drunken G.I.: Stinkin' college boy!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [straining ] Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: This way, sir.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: I graduated summa cum laude. Lettered in crew and polo. Women dripping off me. Rah, rah, rah.

"M*A*S*H: Yessir, That's Our Baby (#8.15)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Klinger, my compliments to Zale on making that cradle.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Hey, the handle part was my idea.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Congratulations, Klinger. This might mean a Nobel Prize. You have invented 'the stick'.

Roger Prescott: Yes. Well, the answer's no.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: No? Just like that? No?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Pierce, please. Mr. Prescott, surely you will agree that this is a decision that should not be made in haste; there must be some discussion.
Roger Prescott: Actually, none whatsoever. We cannot admit an unattended juvenile with no resident relatives to the States.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: But...
Roger Prescott: And no application for such admission can be processed without authority from a blood relative in the child's country of origin.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Now, see here...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Look, Prescott, this "unattended juvenile" you're so blithely dismissing could conceivably be murdered in the name of racial purity. You got space on your application for that?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Pierce, I'm handling this, remember?
Roger Prescott: There is nothing to handle. The Immigration and Naturalization Service, by statute, has strict quota regulations. My hands are tied.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Now, there's an idea.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Just a moment. Mr. Prescott, there are always alternatives.
Roger Prescott: Not in this case, Major.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Mr. Prescott, I have friends of considerable influence...
Roger Prescott: Gentlemen, you are wasting my time.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Congressmen, senators, cabinet members...
Roger Prescott: Please believe me, this is departmental policy. There can be no immigration under the circumstances you have set forth.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Captains of industry...
Roger Prescott: Good day.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [stands and throws his hat down] There is nothing good about it, Mr. Prescott! We are discussing a little girl - a human being who is facing a life of misery - an issue infinitely more important than you and your stupid seating arrangements!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Charles...
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Shut up, Pierce!
[the phones rings, and Charles picks it up]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Mr. Prescott is in conference. Let them eat out.
Roger Prescott: How dare you!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You smarmy bureaucratic microbe, you're going to that dinner breathing through your fly!

"M*A*S*H: Temporary Duty (#6.21)" (1978)
Major Charles Winchester: Pierce, I never thought I'd say this, but... GOD, I MISSED YOU!
[suddenly hugs a stunned Hawkeye]

Capt. Roy Dupree: I just love how you people josh around! This is more fun than skinny dippin' in the creek with the Pittman sisters!
Major Margaret Houlihan: Captain Dupree! There are ladies present!
Major Charles Winchester: [giving a flirting glance to Nurse Anderson] And accounted for!

"M*A*S*H: That Darn Kid (#10.21)" (1982)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Would you like some cognac?
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: No thanks, I ain't hungry.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [clears throat] Ahem, Luther, I've brought you here to discuss an offer that you would be a fool - as it were, not to accept.
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Oh yeah?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: I've given it alot of thought and have come to the conclusion that in exchange for cancelling my debt, I am prepared to part with this.
[Unwraps a small blue vase]
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: What do I want with a pitcher?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: This "pitcher" is an incredibly valuable and treasured vase from the Celadon Dynasty.
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Oh...
[leans forward]
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: I don't care if it's from the new Sears catalog, Major. Just how stupid do you think I am?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: An adjective fails me, but you see...
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: No, all I see is, is that YOU are tryin' to get out of payin' ME the money you owe me, which is $50...
[checks watch]
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: No no, make that a hundred dollars. I don't want no hard luck stories. I don't want no dime-store spitoons. All I want is my money. I'll see YOU tomorrow.
[Exits; Charles angrily throws the vase at the door, smashing it to pieces; Rizzo peers back inside]
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Oh gee, sir, now you ain't got a pot to spit in.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: A hundred and forty... A hundred and fifty. There. Finished.
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: You're forgetting one thing, Major, that's just the interest. You still owe me the original 50.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Very well. 20, 40... 50. Wonderful. Now I'm out of cash again. How do you expect me to make it through to the end of the month?
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: With the help of a friend.
[Puts arm around Charles and grins]
Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Hi, friend.

"M*A*S*H: 'Twas the Day After Christmas (#10.9)" (1981)
Charles: A Winchester acknowledges only one 5:30 a day. This is not it.

Charles: And you call yourself a chef.
Sgt. Pernelli: No. I call myself a cook. Chefs ain't got tattoos.

"M*A*S*H: Sons and Bowlers (#10.19)" (1982)
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What do you mean you can't call Portland from Guam? You're routing me through where?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Perplexed, after a pause] Mars?
Major Charles Winchester: Military Affairs Radio Station.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [while the rest of the gang celebrates beating the Marines in bowling, Hawkeye and Charles share a private toast in celebration of Hawkeye's father's successful surgery]
Major Charles Winchester: To our fathers.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: And their sons.

"M*A*S*H: As Time Goes By (#11.15)" (1983)
Major Charles Winchester: By the way, you realize you didn't include anything in the time capsule from the infamous Major Burns.
Hawkeye: I was thinking about putting in his scalpel, but I didn't want to include any deadly weapons.

Major Charles Winchester: Major Charles Winchester:
[when Rizzo bumps into him]
Major Charles Winchester: Get out of the way, you chitlin!
Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Sergeant Luther Rizzo:
[speaking low after Winchester moves on]
Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Man's gonna kiss my chitlins!

"M*A*S*H: The Smell of Music (#6.15)" (1978)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Colonel, what about my horn?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Oh, by all means, Major, bring it along.

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Sang Nu has fixed my horn!
Sang Nu: Very difficult to do. Had to use parts from other horns.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: That's all right.
[examines horn turning it around]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: It has no mouth piece.
Sang Nu: Yeah!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: What do you mean "Yeah"?

"M*A*S*H: Hot Lips Is Back in Town (#7.19)" (1979)
[the Nurses Triage Training Program commences]
Major Charles Winchester: [to the nurses] Triage is a French word from the verb "Trier", meaning to sift or separate. There are three priorities: Those who need care at once in order to be saved, those who can wait, and those who are beyond hope.
Major Margaret Houlihan: They know what triage is, Major.
Major Charles Winchester: If you wish to heckle, Major Houlihan, please go to a nightclub.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Just get on with it, will you?
[Charles, Margaret, and the nurses walks to Klinger]
Major Charles Winchester: Here we have a head injury.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: A lily dache head injury.
Major Charles Winchester: The patient is obviously delirious, indicating a possible Subdural Hematoma. Priority...
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: First, right?
Major Charles Winchester: I did not ask the patient. Priority... first.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: See? I knew I was right.
Major Charles Winchester: Next.
[the class then walks over to Radar]
Major Charles Winchester: From the patient's rigid condition, we might assume that he is in an advance state of shock. However, there is no apparent injury. He merely complains that his left shoulder hurts.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Uh, yeah, my left shoulder hurts.
Major Charles Winchester: We are puzzled by this. On further examination, we observe a purple area over the left quadrant upper. Blunt trauma. Possible ruptured spleen. Moral: Never be fooled.

[B.J., posing as a MP, storms inside the training tent]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Atten-hut! Prepare for inspection! Ladies and gentlemen, General Lyle Dumbkopf.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Hawkeye storms in, posing as a general; gruff voice] Thank you, Cato. Where are the girls? Where are the girls?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: You want girls? You want girls?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Nugent] You, suck in that gut! Throw out that chest!
[to Margaret]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You, stay just the way you are!
[Hawkeye grabs Margaret]
Major Margaret Houlihan: [shrieks] Get away from me!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let's have a major skirmish.
Major Charles Winchester: Play this comic opera elsewhere.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Comic opera?
Major Charles Winchester: We are busy here!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Shall I have him shot, Mon general?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Shooting is too good for him. Lock him in the kitchen.
Major Margaret Houlihan: [grows furious] That's it, get out. Get out of here!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Cato, sound retreat.
[B.J. blows a whistle]
Major Margaret Houlihan: [screams] OUT!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I shall not return.
[Margaret repeatedly hits Hawkeye and B.J. as she chases the two out of the tent]
Major Margaret Houlihan: Come on! Get out of here!
Major Margaret Houlihan: [frustrated] Can we just get on with it?

"M*A*S*H: Are You Now, Margaret? (#8.2)" (1979)
Congressional Aide: But I want you to know, that you have been duped by a Communist sympathizer.
Charles: What a coincidence, so have you!

"M*A*S*H: War of Nerves (#6.4)" (1977)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [after Hawkeye and BJ put a cot on the bonfire] A cot. How can you do that?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: It's just a thing. It has no intrinsic value.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Besides, it's yours.

"M*A*S*H: Comrades in Arms: Part 2 (#6.13)" (1977)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: With the exception of one small moment of glory in the operating room, it was for them a total disaster.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Why are you smiling?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who's smiling? I'm not smiling.
[to BJ]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Why are you smiling?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I'm not smiling.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [to Col. Potter] Why are you smiling?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I'm not smiling. This is serious.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: All right, I'll do it. But when I come back there better not be any smiling.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut, Col. Sherman T. Potter: Who's smiling?

"M*A*S*H: Snappier Judgment (#10.8)" (1981)
Lt. Rollins: How then do you explain that when the arresting MPs returned with you to that exact spot not 30 minutes later, there was no trace of this "Little Chicago"?
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Uh, they must have packed up and left.
Lt. Rollins: Oh, come on now, Corporal! Isn't this obviously a case of "res ipsa loquitur"?
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: [puzzled] "Racial Pepsi Cola"?
Major Charles Winchester: [Stands up] I must object... *strenously*!
Col. Drake: On what grounds?
Major Charles Winchester: Because... uh... have it in a minute.
[Rummages through papers]
Col. Drake: Major, we don't have all day! What is your objection?
Major Charles Winchester: Just a minute, just a minute.
[Rummages for a few more seconds, then slams the book down]
Major Charles Winchester: Unum pilule acetylsalicylicus, tres in diem, post sebum.
[Note: Winchester's medical Latin is incorrect; it should be: Unum pilula acidum acetylsalicylicus, tris in die, post cibum]
Lt. Rollins: Uhm, forgive my ignorance, Mr. President, but that's a term I'm not familiar with.
Major Charles Winchester: Oh, don't know it? Hmmm!
Col. Drake: [Angrily:] Well, I am. Major, I want you to explain to this court exactly what that means!
Major Charles Winchester: [Chuckles nervously] Aspirin, three times a day.
[Note: the actual translation is: "One pill/tablet of acetylsalicylic acid - i.e. aspirin - three times a day, after meals."]

"M*A*S*H: Point of View (#7.10)" (1978)
Major Charles Winchester: You broke into my footlocker and you read through my personal diary, didn't you, swine?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Charles, in all the times I've broken into your footlocker I have never looked at your diary.
Major Charles Winchester: Then who drew all these disgusting pictures in it?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: It's dry reading. You needed illustrations.
Major Charles Winchester: I've had it with you, Pierce. It's two-by-fours at dawn.

"M*A*S*H: The Tooth Shall Set You Free (#10.14)" (1982)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You have quite an apothecary here.
Duc Phon Jong: Ah yes, all kinds of roots and herbs...
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Intriguing, what does this cure?
[poking at a tray of greens]
Duc Phon Jong: Hunger, that's my dinner.

"M*A*S*H: U.N., the Night and the Music (#11.10)" (1983)
Dr. Randolph Kent: So there I was in Elewijt standing in the very house where Rubens painted his most wonderful masterpiece The Rape of the Daughters of Leucippus.
Major Charles Winchester: Surely you jest.
Dr. Randolph Kent: Hardly one of Rubens's best works.
Major Charles Winchester: Oh, granted, it appeals to bourgeois taste, but - Besides - Bourgeois? The master painted that when he lived in Antwerp.
Dr. Randolph Kent: Well, it was merely an error in geography.
Major Charles Winchester: My brain is not a map.
Dr. Randolph Kent: Barely a brain.
Major Charles Winchester: [laughs] Oh, yeah? Well, says you, you, you boorish Sussex fop!
Dr. Randolph Kent: Ignorant Back Bay philistine!
Major Charles Winchester: Snob!
Dr. Randolph Kent: Clod!
Major Charles Winchester: Dandy!
Dr. Randolph Kent: Cretin!
Major Charles Winchester: [Inhales] - I don't care who your parents are! -
[Bottle Clanks]
Major Charles Winchester: You can take your father's villa and stuff it!
[Dr. Kent begins laughing like hell]
Major Charles Winchester: What's so funny?
Dr. Randolph Kent: It isn't my father's villa. It's my father's employer's villa.
Major Charles Winchester: What?...
Dr. Randolph Kent: Father is the butler. When I was old enough, I became the chauffeur. It helped put me through medical school.
Major Charles Winchester: But you told me that... - - - And why not? It was such fun to submit you to derision and watch you crawl back for more. - I did not. - You most certainly did. You assumed that only people of wealth and breeding have any taste or class. Well, mate, you have been outclassed by the son of a bloody butler.
Major Charles Winchester: Aw, shut up!
Dr. Randolph Kent: I told you the truth. I summered in San Remo and wintered in Sussex. You assumed the rest.
Major Charles Winchester: Well, you encouraged the assumption.
Dr. Randolph Kent: You assumed that only people of wealth and breeding have any taste or class. Well, mate, you have been outclassed by the son of a bloody butler!
[Captain Hawkeye Pierce has been standing on his elbows upside down listening to the two drunken boars & begins laughing hysterically and loses his balance, falling against his shelves behind him]
Dr. Randolph Kent: .
Major Charles Winchester: [drunkenly looks over at Captain Pierce embarassed & disgusted] Aw, shut up!
[Hawkeye continues laughing]
Major Charles Winchester: .

"M*A*S*H: Death Takes a Holiday (#9.5)" (1980)
Choi Sung Ho: The candy would have brought great joy to the children for a few moments, but on the black market it was worth enough rice and cabbage to feed them for a month.
Major Charles Winchester: It is sadly inappropriate to give dessert to a child who's had no meal.

"M*A*S*H: Rumor at the Top (#10.3)" (1981)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Tell me more about Montana. Does it have a city?

"M*A*S*H: Ain't Love Grand (#7.24)" (1979)
Charles: It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have... oh, give me a drink.

"M*A*S*H: None Like It Hot (#7.6)" (1978)
Major Charles Winchester: What are you two doing with my tub?
Hawkeye: Yours? We bought this from our relatives Abercrombie and Fitch. To make a long story short, Charles, you come out high and dry.
Major Charles Winchester: Your middle-class sense of decency and fair play will overwhelm the malice you now bear me and soon I shall be luxuriating in that canvas Xanadu.
Major Charles Winchester: And if that craps out, I'll just bribe you silly.

"M*A*S*H: The Joker Is Wild (#11.4)" (1982)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Hunnicut, if there is a God, there will be a time in your life when you are in dire straits and in desperate need of a wealthy, influential friend. When that time comes, I pray you will turn to me so I can laugh in your face.

"M*A*S*H: No Laughing Matter (#9.13)" (1981)
Klinger: Major, look at the big picture. If you're smart, the only physical thing you'll greet Colonel Baldwin with is a handshake. This situation calls for tact, diplomacy, and sucking up.
Charles: Suck up? A Winchester?
Klinger: Remember: to grow a beautiful rose, sometimes you've gotta shovel a lotta manure.
Charles: Why am I listening to this interminable drivel when there is a perfect murder to be planned?

"M*A*S*H: The Young and the Restless (#7.18)" (1979)
Hawkeye: [Charles stumbles in drunk] Ahh, rose-nose! Welcome to skid row. Twenty cents a night - DT's included.
B.J.: Give him the binge rate. That's the third night he's come in this way.
Charles: [looks at Hunnicut] Brice,
[looks at Pierce]
Charles: Honeycomb...
B.J.: The rummy speaks!
Charles: Ruined! By a little twirp surgeon!
Hawkeye: Here we go again.
Charles: My life is going up in smoke!
Hawkeye: It will if you don't stop breathing on that stove!
Charles: Brilliant career, shot to smitheroons! That Potter's fault. First he keeps me here until my talents
Charles: apt.private... And then he sends little Bobby Shaftnor to come here and
Charles: humilna-nilnaliate me! I'll get even with him. Some day, he'll be older than I am, and
Charles: 'n-I'll show him up!

"M*A*S*H: Private Finance (#8.8)" (1979)
Charles: [Listening to Father Mulcahy's piano playing] Every time he tickles those ivories the entire elephants' graveyard turns over.

"M*A*S*H: The Moon Is Not Blue (#11.8)" (1982)
Major Charles Winchester: [after B.J. and Hawkeye mention that the movie The Moon Is Blue was banned in Boston] In Boston, they would've banned Pinocchio.

"M*A*S*H: The Billfold Syndrome (#7.5)" (1978)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [Drunk out of his mind and listening to Hawkeye and BJ make fun of him losing his position at Massachusetts General] Is that what you think... Beej? Is that what all you cretins think?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Did you hear something that sounded like Charles?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: The mummy speaks!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Indeed, and I'm going to rise from this hideous tomb and leave all you relics behind.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Going somewhere Charles?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You bet your beer soaked brain I am.
[Holds up piece of paper]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Read this and weep. This is from the Massachusetts General Hospital, see
[mumbling drunk]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Mahahuhet genel hopital. You are looking at the next chief of thoracic surgery
[hiccups on thorasic]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: . Gentlemen, eat my DUST!
[throws paper down with a sinister grin]
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Well, we got him to talk.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: That's nothing, I can make him yell. Charles, uh, I wouldn't pack my bags just yet
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: No?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No... uh... see... Beej and I sort of... uh... well... know about... your news
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You read my telegram.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Read your-oh heavens no.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: We would never read your telegram.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We wrote it.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You wrote that?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Well I have to admit it's not the nicest thing we've ever done, but you have to realize that you challenged us!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: There was no other way to get you to talk.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We don't like to lose Charles.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Especially to you.

"M*A*S*H: Major Topper (#6.24)" (1978)
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Oh, yeah?
Major Charles Winchester: Brilliant riposte, Pierce.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Oh, yeah?

"M*A*S*H: Period of Adjustment (#8.6)" (1979)
Charles: That rapier-like wit. I've seen snappier comebacks from a bowl of Rice Krispies.
Klinger: Oh, first I'm a plant; now, I'm breakfast food. What next?
Charles: Well, you're crude and unrefined... how about petroleum?

"M*A*S*H: The Grim Reaper (#6.11)" (1977)
Major Charles Winchester: [suddenly passes out cold in the O.R]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Where is Major Winchester?
Major Margaret Houlihan: He's on the floor.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: He can't operate form there, his arms aren't long enough.

"M*A*S*H: Give and Take (#11.14)" (1983)
Father Mulcahy: Winchester, you are a dirty stinker!
Charles: Put that ba... What?
B.J.: Don't listen to him, Charles. Nobody takes the word of a priest.
Father Mulcahy: I've been doing a little investigating and I've discovered that this belongs to you!
[gives collection ledger back to Charles]
Charles: Ah, the charity ledger. Well, it did belong to me, Father, but it's long since passed from my hands.
Father Mulcahy: Well, it's back! Major, it is a very low and unscrupulous person who abdicates the opportunity to do good work for his fellow man. Tell me, are you such a person?
Charles: Certainly not. Every Christmas I give $2 to the postman.
Father Mulcahy: My, my, you certainly give till it hurts.
Hawkeye: Well, what do you expect, Father? He's the kind of person who would give a drowning man a glass of water.
Father Mulcahy: All right then, Winchester, this is what it comes down to: this job has been passed on to me, and I'm not going to do it. So when General Crenshaw gets this empty ledger back, he's not going to feel so charitable. Not to mention Colonel Potter. And the man they are going to hang is the man whose name is on the assignment sheet. And guess who that is? You'll be busted so low you'll be saying, "Yes, sir," to Klinger!
[storms out]
Charles: [forlorn] Gentlemen... Have you ever considered that there are people less fortunate than yourselves? People who need your financial assistance? People... such as me?
Hawkeye: Shh!

"M*A*S*H: Dreams (#8.22)" (1980)
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Well, it's been a miserable, grueling, rotten couple of days.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: A little shut-eye would go down great right about now.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You can say that again. Even my teeth are dozing off.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Compared to the way I feel, Rip Van Winkle was an insomniac.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Well, good night, folks. If you need me, I'll be unconscious.
[People start getting up]
Major Charles Winchester: Ah, to sleep... perchance to dream.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [All pause, recalling their nightmares] On the other hand, maybe I'll have another cup of coffee.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Good idea.
Major Charles Winchester: Help keep us warm.
Father Francis Mulcahy: I'll pour.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: A big shot of that, Father.

"M*A*S*H: An Eye for a Tooth (#7.13)" (1978)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Has Margaret's hair come down yet?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Ha-haa! You should have seen her last night when I popped in on her. Her eyes were spinning round like phonograph records! Hee-hee-hee! I-heh- I haven't had so much fun sin-h-ce- Ha!- since...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Since your chauffer ran over the squirrel?

"M*A*S*H: Morale Victory (#8.19)" (1980)
Major Charles Winchester: Don't you see? Your hand may be stilled, but your gift cannot be silenced if you refuse to let it be. The gift does not lie in your hands. I have hands, David. Hands that can make a scalpel sing. More than anything in my life I wanted to play, but I do not have the gift. I can play the notes, but I cannot make the music. You have performed Liszt, Rachmaninoff, Chopin. Even if you never do so again, you've already known a joy that I will never know as long as I live. Because the true gift is in your head and in your heart and in your soul. Now you can shut it off forever, or you can find new ways to share your gift with the world - through the baton, the classroom, or the pen. As to these works, they're for you, because you and the piano will always be as one.

"M*A*S*H: The Foresight Saga (#9.19)" (1981)
Father Francis Mulcahy: What time is it in Iowa?
Major Charles Winchester: 1882.

"M*A*S*H: Dear Uncle Abdul (#8.12)" (1979)
Margaret: Who the hell are you supposed to be?
Charles: This is the latest in hunting attire from Abercrombie & Fitch.
Margaret: Well, you look like an overgrown bagpipe.

"M*A*S*H: Mr. and Mrs. Who? (#8.9)" (1979)
Shaw: You got it too, Doc?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: No, my pain, regret - regrettably, is self-inflicted.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Not a pretty sight, is it? Poor devil's the victim of bottle fatigue.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Got it during an entire night of hand-to-glass combat.

"M*A*S*H: Back Pay (#8.24)" (1980)
Jin: Major, this treatment is 3,000 years old.
Major Charles Winchester: Happy birthday.

"M*A*S*H: Major Ego (#7.8)" (1978)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Pierce! Ignore them, captain. I assume that you'll want to start with some biographical information?
Capt. Tom Greenleigh: Well, I really don't have room for that. Just the facts.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh, you w- of course. Well, I was born in upper Boston, where my family had lived for five generations...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: In a modest, 20-room log cabin.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Due to my background and breeding, it was inevitable that I attend the finest schools: Choate, Harvard...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The Massachusetts Institute of Snobbery...

"M*A*S*H: Run for the Money (#11.9)" (1982)
Cpt. Sweeney: Hello, boys, how are you feeling? And how about you, Palmer, you nice and comfy?
Pvt. Palmer: Y-y-y-y-yes, sir.
Cpt. Sweeney: Oh that's good. I certainly wouldn't want it bothering you that you almost cost three men their lives.
Pvt. Palmer: Bu-b-b-b-but I-I had no way of knowing that b-b-bedrock w-w-was unstable.
Cpt. Sweeney: Hell, I should've known better than to give any kind of responsibility to a dummy.
Pvt. Palmer: I'm s-s-s-s-s-sorry.
Cpt. Sweeney: Well fat 'lotta good that d-d-d-does.
Charles: Excuse me, Captain Sweeney, may I talk to you for just a moment please?
Cpt. Sweeney: Sure, Major, what is it?
Charles: This way.
[They walk into the next room]
Charles: Captain Sweeney, if you say one more unkind to Private Palmer, I will personally write up a report detailing your inhumanity and I will have it placed in your 201 file where it will follow you for the rest of your career.
Cpt. Sweeney: But, Major that idiot...
Charles: Is that clear?

"M*A*S*H: Your Retention Please (#9.7)" (1981)
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Okay, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker or a guffaw from anybody.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You hear that Charles?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Subject of this meeting is... The Army.
[Looks expectantly at Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester, who sit quiet]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Quietly] So far, so good.
[Regular voice]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all burst out in laughter. Potter crosses his arms and waits for the laughter to stop] I'm sorry! If I held that in, my teeth would have exploded!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Come on, you gotta be kidding!
Major Charles Winchester: Gentlemen, please. It's impolite to laugh at seniles.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Sharply] What did he say?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Loss of hearing is the first sign.
[All three begin laughing again]
Major Margaret Houlihan: Will you clowns keep quiet? Some of us are interested in what the Colonel has to say. Go on Colonel.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Why, thank you, Major.
[Pierce begins making kissing noises]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You blow one more kiss, Pierce, and those lips 'll never walk again.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Please, I'd like to hear this too.
[Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all make kissing noises]
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, blow it out your bugle! Colonel, please continue.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Gracias, Padre. Now I think you'll admit, the Army presents unique opportunities, that can't be had anywhere else.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: That's very true. What other job lets you die for a living?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Certainly a once in a lifetime experience.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: The Army provides a chance to see the world.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Scenic tours of all the great battlefields.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Through gritted teeth] It provides a home.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Where even the buffalo wouldn't roam.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Okay, that does it! Lecture's over! Class dismissed!
[Everyone heads for the door]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Except you Pierce! Since you insist on behaving like a dunce, you can cap it off by staying after school!

"M*A*S*H: The Light That Failed (#6.6)" (1977)
Maj. Charles Winchester: If that is a gauntlet you have just thrown down, I take it up with relish.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: One gauntlet with relish, hold the mustard and onions.

"M*A*S*H: The Yalu Brick Road (#8.10)" (1979)
Major Charles Winchester: Me? Wash and clean? I'm a doctor, not a woman!