Maj. Frank Burns
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Quotes for
Maj. Frank Burns (Character)
from "M*A*S*H" (1972)

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"M*A*S*H: The Bus (#4.6)" (1975)
Frank Burns: We can't be lost.
Hawkeye: We are, Frank. I've been lost before and this is exactly what it looks like.

Col. Potter: Anybody got a compass?
B.J.: I got a neat one in San Francisco.
Col. Potter: [Frank tests the wind currents] What are you doing?
Frank Burns: The breeze is coming from that direction.
Col. Potter: Thank you. Now all we have to do is trade the bus for an airplane.

Col. Potter: [Radar and Frank come running up] Burns?
Frank Burns: Ah, sighted nothing. Reporting same.
Col. Potter: A simple "crapped out" will be sufficient, Major.

Col. Potter: What's wrong, Radar?
Radar: I don't know, sir, she won't start.
Frank Burns: Oh swell. We can't go forward and we can't go back.
Hawkeye: It's a sign from heaven. The war's over!
B.J.: Now, what?
Hawkeye: We burn our uniforms, go home, get married and breed a new batch of draftees for the next one.
B.J.: Hear, hear.
Col. Potter: Let's finish this one first, shall we?

Col. Potter: [their bus has broken down in the middle of nowhere] At least if it was a horse, we could shoot it.
Frank Burns: Fine leadership.
B.J.: What would you do?
Frank Burns: If this unit were still under my command, you'd soon find out.
B.J.: I spent a week with you in command, Frank. You lost me when you rigged the toilet seats to rise to attention.
Frank Burns: Only for inspection.

Frank Burns: You get in the driver's seat. When I tell you to turn her over, turn her over. Roger?
Radar: Roger, Wilco.
Col. Potter: Do you know anything about engines, Major?
Frank Burns: Oh, I took a lot of shop in high school.
Hawkeye: I wouldn't take shop from anyone.

Hawkeye: [Frank taps on the bus with a screw driver, then kicks the tires] You planning to fix it or buy it, Frank?
Frank Burns: Oh, hardy-har!

Frank Burns: I wish I was home.
B.J.: I wish you was home too, Frank.

Col. Potter: What are you beating your gums about, Major?
Frank Burns: Well, Colonel, I don't think you appreciate the true nature of our situation, um, gravity-wise speaking.
Col. Potter: Unless I'm mistaken, we're lost, we can't move, we have no food or water, no blankets, no communications, night is falling, we may be right now in enemy territory. An enemy that would think nothing of giving us bamboo manicures up to our knuckles. Followed by boiling egg drop colonics. Does that sound like the proper appreciation, Major?
Frank Burns: Pretty much, sir.

Frank Burns: [about Radar] I think its agreed we all like him.
Col. Potter: Except whoever wrote me anonymously that Radar was selling tickets to the hole in the nurse's shower.
Frank Burns: It wasn't me.
Col. Potter: Why would I think it was you?
Frank Burns: Because I know people think that that's just the kind of thing I might do.
Col. Potter: Well why did you do it?
Frank Burns: Because I felt is was my duty.
Col. Potter: I thought you said you didn't do it.
Frank Burns: ...I thought I did too.

Frank Burns: She was really warm for my form.
Col. Potter: And did you oblige?
Frank Burns: I couldn't.
Col. Potter: Creep.
Frank Burns: I wanted to save myself for Miss Right.
B.J.: Miss Right?
Hawkeye: Orville and Wilbur's sister. She invented the first airplane stewardess.

Col. Potter: Hawkeye, we're none of us going wandering around out there. Unacceptable procedure. Also stupid. I won't have it. We can't look for him until first light.
Frank Burns: [Hawkeye angrily kicks front of the bus, startling Burns awake] Oh!
Col. Potter: Easy, Burns.
Hawkeye: [Frank holds a gun] Put that thing away. Cochise is gone. We formed the bus into a circle.
Frank Burns: Is he back yet?
Col. Potter: No, not yet.
Frank Burns: No, huh?
Hawkeye: No, huh. That's right, huh.

Frank Burns: [aboard a broken down bus, they encounter a North Korean soldier] He's attacking. He wants us to surrender!
B.J.: Either that or he's asking if this bus goes downtown.

Frank Burns: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.
Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're attacked by a bridge club.

Frank Burns: He's probably booby trapped. 'Could go off in our faces.
Col. Potter: Burns, don't start going on about going off. Let's get him inside.
Hawkeye: You may be right, Frank. I think what he's done is he's cut a gash in his leg, inserted a grenade, and disguised it with his own blood.
Frank Burns: Boy are they clever.

B.J.: Radar's radar is jammed.
Hawkeye: If it wasn't would we be here?
Frank Burns: Oh sure, blame it all on O'Reilly.
Hawkeye: You just go back to being Tom Swift and his electric paranoid.
[Looks to Radar]
Hawkeye: It's nobody's fault. You know that.

Col. Potter: [Frank Burns has an assault rifle trained on a POW] Burns?
Frank Burns: Sir?
Col. Potter: Didn't I see your picture in the post office? I wonder if he saw Radar out there.
Frank Burns: That's right. You could be giving aid to someone who killed one of our own boys. I don't mean Radar, I'm sure he's alright. Er... Reasonably sure.
B.J.: Frank, keep putting your foot in your mouth and you're going to wind up with athlete's tongue.

Frank Burns: [reminiscing about high school] ... she was a little brunette; of Jewish persuasion
[giggle]
Hawkeye: I wonder who persuaded her of that?

Frank Burns: [guarding a wounded POW] One wrong move and it's curtains. Get the message, Mr. Moto? Yeah, I thought so. You know plenty English. Okay, friend, I'm not a talking man. Next time I talk, this
[indicating his loaded rifle]
Frank Burns: talks for me. No questions asked. Curtains. Get the message, pal'o mine? I don't chew my cabbage twice. One wrong move and you'll find that out. I react
[whips around]
Frank Burns: Zing! That's a big kiss-off. Capice? I tend to, uh, shoot first and ask questions later. Little habit I have. But you'll find out fast if you get cute. We straight on that?
[gets out walkie talkie which no one else is on the other end of]
Frank Burns: Any allied personnel. Any allied personnel. I have begun to take prisoners. Request instructions re: prisoners or will be forced to shoot same. Over and out. I think you get the picture right, Amigo?
[looks at the POW who has fallen asleep]

Frank Burns: [guarding a wounded POW] One wrong move and it's curtains. Get the message, Mr. Moto? Yeah, I thought so. You know plenty English. Okay, friend, I'm not a talking man. Next time I talk, this
[his loaded rifle]
Frank Burns: talks for me. No questions asked. Curtains. Get the message, pal'o mine? I don't chew my cabbage twice. One wrong move and you'll find that out. I react
[whips around]
Frank Burns: Zing! That's a big kiss-off. Capice? I tend to, uh, shoot first and ask questions later. Little habit I have. But you'll find out fast if you get cute. We straight on that?
[gets out walkie talkie]
Frank Burns: Any allied personnel. Any allied personnel. I have begun to take prisoners. Request instructions re: prisoners or will be forced to shoot same. Over and out. I think you get the picture right, Amigo?
[the POW has fallen asleep]

Radar: When I was wandering around here, I didn't find no enemies so I figure we're safe so long as we can get out of here.
Hawkeye: Speaking of which, enemy-wise, has anyone seen our prisoner?
Frank Burns: There he is! *Sabotage*! He's tinkering with our parts!
[the POW is trying to fix the bus]
Frank Burns: Get away from there!
B.J.: Easy, Frank, easy! He's wounded, remember?
Frank Burns: Oh, wounded, sure! That's how we lost China!
B.J.: By fixing a bus?
[the wrench Frank is holding is pointed towards B.J]
B.J.: Careful, that could be loaded.

Col. Potter: All right, all right, that settles it. We've finally run out of food, water...
[looks at Frank Burns]
Col. Potter: and brains. We gotta get out of here, which means walking. So... we walk.
[the bus engine starts]
B.J.: I wish I knew how to say thanks.
[they all pile into the bus]
Col. Potter: [to the POW who fixed the bus] Mighty grateful for this, old man.
Frank Burns: Get out of my seat, Pierce.
Hawkeye: Oh, shut your gob, Frank.
Col. Potter: Nick of time. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. May the First Cavalry forgive me.

Frank Burns: [into walkie talkie] There is a fighter plane approaching. And, um, when I say "Now", the jet will be directly over my head.
[the jet whooshes overhead]
Frank Burns: Now!
B.J.: Frank, that thing is a thousand feet up going 500 miles an hour.
Hawkeye: By the time you said 'now', the plane was in its hangar and the pilot was in his jammies.
Frank Burns: I was just trying to help!
Col. Potter: Stop trying. That should help right off.

Frank Burns: [into a walkie-talkie] Any allied personnel, if you receive me, here is my position. Ready?
[peers out the window]
Frank Burns: There are only about half a dozen stars visible sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one. Over.
Hawkeye: Terrific, Frank.
B.J.: They'll start searching for us in Bethlehem.

Frank Burns: Any Allied personnel, here is my position... uh, there is a fighter plane approaching... and, uh, when I say 'now', the jet will be directly over my head.
[Waits; fighter jet flies overhead]
Frank Burns: Now!
B.J.: Frank, that thing's 1,000 feet up and going 500 miles an hour!
Hawkeye: By the time you said 'now', the plane was in its hangar and the pilot was in his jammies!


"M*A*S*H: The Novocaine Mutiny (#4.20)" (1976)
Maj. Frank Burns: I don't believe you did it. Officers don't steal.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We don't go to the toilet either.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We just explode when we're 50.
[Radar looks up, concerned]

Maj. Frank Burns: Colonel, what do the records show about my surgical skills?
Colonel Carmichael: If you hadn't been drafted as a doctor, I think you'd have been assigned as a pastry chef.

Maj. Frank Burns: [during a practice bug out that Frank has ordered]
[blows whistle]
Maj. Frank Burns: Chop, chop! Get the lead out! This is a war you know!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: See? I told you this was a war, but you said we were both dreaming.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: How could we be in each other's dreams?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How could I be in Korea? More importantly, why is this chicken outfit crossing the road?

Maj. Frank Burns: I think it was Napolean who said: "Without discipline, an army would be nothing but a bunch of guys wearing the same color clothes."

Maj. Frank Burns: I prefer to lead by example, to command through respect. But, if all else fails, a leader can't hesitate to kick a few keisters.

Maj. Frank Burns: Unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.

Colonel Carmichael: Do you have any opening remarks?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yes! Unaccustomed as I am to public lynching, let me just say that even the army must surely have better things to do than to listen to the ravings of a man with enough mold on his brain to produce a quart of penicillin.
Maj. Frank Burns: Sticks and stones, your honor.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major burns has had it in for me ever since I suggested that he's created more widows and pall bearers than salmonella.
Colonel Carmichael: Would you say that your lack of respect for the Major's medical skills, might have contributed to the alleged mutiny?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: There *was* no mutiny! It's his medical skills that are alleged! I say that Major Burns snapped under the burden of command, and that he never should have been put in the position of command. And that if the politicians of the world hadn't failed to keep the peace, he'd be back in Indiana right now, with his cozy little malpractice. And meeting his receptionist two afternoons a week at the Golden Goose Motel.
Maj. Frank Burns: THAT'S A LIE!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't leave your unopened mail around.

Maj. Frank Burns: [Radar has just admitted that the missing money was hidden inside his teddy bear] I knew I should have ripped the stuffings out of the little creep!
Colonel Carmichael: And wouldn't you have felt a little bit foolish if the money had turned out not to be inside?
Maj. Frank Burns: I wasn't talking about the bear, sir.


MASH (1970)
Trapper John: Well, what's the matter with her today?
Hawkeye Pierce: I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things.
Trapper John: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.
Hawkeye Pierce: She can't even get out of the door, look.
[Hawkeye sits down with Frank]
Hawkeye Pierce: Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she...
Frank Burns: Mind your own business.
Hawkeye Pierce: No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?
Duke Forrest: What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?
Trapper John: Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour.
Duke Forrest: Ohhhh, is that a fact?
Hawkeye Pierce: Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?
Frank Burns: Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
Hawkeye Pierce: Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?
[Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye]
Hawkeye Pierce: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
Duke Forrest: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye! That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!

Duke Forrest: What's this here?
Frank Burns: This is Ho-Jon, one of our mess hall boys. I'm teaching him how to read.
Duke Forrest: Oh, is that right? You reading the Bible, huh? That's nice. Look, I'll tell you what, I got a book here. It's got alot of pictures in it.
[Gives Ho Jon a nudie magazine]
Duke Forrest: I think it's easier to read when you look at pictures. A little adventure in pictures.
Ho-Jon: May I leave now, Major?
Frank Burns: Sure, Ho-Jon.

Frank Burns: What's that?
Duke Forrest: That's a martin-eye, Frank.
Hawkeye Pierce: Finest kind. We're training Ho Jon to be a bartender. Would you care to embribe, sir?
Frank Burns: I don't drink.
Hawkeye Pierce: Jesus Christ, I think he means it.
Duke Forrest: I think we've been had, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye Pierce: I think you're right, babe.
Frank Burns: I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet.
Duke Forrest: Hey you make a mean martini there, Ho Jon. You keep it up, you hear?
Hawkeye Pierce: [Frank begins praying] You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?
Duke Forrest: No, not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't.

Hawkeye Pierce: Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?
Duke Forrest: How long does this go on, Frank?
Frank Burns: It gets longer all the time. Now I have your soul to pray for, and Captain Pierce's.

Trapper John: Finished work for the day?
Frank Burns: Yes. Why?
Trapper John: Good. I was hoping you'd have time tonight to sleep this off.
[Trapper punches Burns to the floor and injures his hand just as Colonel Blake and Hotlips walk in]
Trapper John: [in pain] Ow! Damn! Son of a bitch!
Colonel Blake: Trapper! Captain McIntyre! What the hell?
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [incredulous] That's a *captain*?
Colonel Blake: What happened? Who started this?
Trapper John: I hit him! He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead!
Frank Burns: He wouldn't have touched me if I had my guard up.

Frank Burns: I don't drink.
Hawkeye Pierce: Jesus Christ, I think he means it.

Frank Burns: God meant us to find each other.
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [enthusiastically, opening her blouse] His will be done.

Frank Burns: You idiot, I said a cardiac needle!
Pvt. Lorenzo Boone: Do you want me to get a nurse?
Frank Burns: Too late, Boone, you killed him.
[Walks away; Boone starts to cry]


"M*A*S*H: The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan (#5.6)" (1976)
Col. Sherman T. Potter: [after Frank shot BJ in the leg] Burns, what's the meaning of this?
Maj. Frank Burns: I was cleaning my gun and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Maj. Houlihan.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I see. So naturally, you shot Capt. Hunnicut.

Maj. Frank Burns: I'm going out into the jungle to hunt for Margaret.
B.J.: I understand she's game.
Maj. Frank Burns: Don't be a smarty-pants. She's probably been abducted by Chinese heathens. They have her hanging upside down by her feet from a bamboo tree... doing unspeakable things to her.
B.J.: Speak a few.

Maj. Frank Burns: I know I'm a real asset.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're only off by two letters.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: What is it, Burns?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, Colonel, I'm still worried about Margaret.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: We're all worried, Major.
Maj. Frank Burns: But I'm more worried than anybody else.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: [gently] It's not a contest.

Colonel Flagg: This won't look good on your record.
Frank Burns: But Colonel, it's just Reader's Digest.
Colonel Flagg: Not if you eliminate the third, fifth, and sixth letters, then it's Red's Digest, comrade.

Colonel Flagg: Listen, Pinko. You're my prime suspect. Isn't it true that you had a torrid relationship with Major Houlihan?
Maj. Frank Burns: No, Sir.
Colonel Flagg: You wanna see the films?
Maj. Frank Burns: Films?
Hawkeye: I'll get the popcorn.


"M*A*S*H: 5 O'Clock Charlie (#2.2)" (1973)
Henry Blake: [on the phone with General Clayton, while reading from a book that's upside down] While I've got you on the pipe, the suggestion's been made that we could use an oh-four W. W. nug. Yeah, that's right, sir. A nug so that we can, uh, uh - what's a nug sir? Well, a nug is,
[Frank turns the book over]
Henry Blake: uh, a gun, sir. A 40 M. M. gun.
Trapper: Henry, you gotta be kidding!
Hawkeye: We definitely do not need a nug.
Frank Burns: Keep your snoots out of this!
Trapper: We don't need a gun or a nug.
Hawkeye: What are you trying to do, get us into the war?
Trapper: [grabbing the phone] General, listen, you send a gun up here, and that's gonna draw fire. That won't do our wounded very much good.
Henry Blake: [taking the phone back] Give me that!
Hawkeye: [grabbing the phone] Get rid of the ammo dump, and we won't need a gun.
Henry Blake: [taking the phone back] Do you mind?
Frank Burns: [grabbing the phone] The previous suggestion is contraindicated, we need an antiaircraft gun desperately, general.
Hawkeye: Frank, how would you like a spontaneous nose job?

Frank Burns: How can you just sit there and let yourselves get bombed?
Trapper: [holding up his martini] One good bombing deserves another.

Frank Burns: I'm sure General Clayton would send us an anti-aircraft gun.
Henry Blake: And I'm sure General Clayton is not in the rent a gun business.

Frank Burns: [indicating first Korean soldier] You will be platoon leader.
Korean Soldier: I thought you were the platoon leader.
Frank Burns: I am, but for purposes of our table of organization, I will be commander.
[to first Korean soldier]
Frank Burns: You will be platoon leader.
[to second Korean soldier]
Frank Burns: You will be squad leader.
[to third Korean soldier]
Frank Burns: And you will be... the squad.

Frank Burns: I want everybody to understand that this is war, and that war is a call to arms!
[reaches for his sidearm, which has been switched with a stapler]
Hawkeye: [raises arms in surrender] Here's our money, mister. Don't staple us.

Frank Burns: [Hawkeye, Trapper and Radar are mocking him at the anti-aircraft gun site] That strikes me funny... not. I think it ill behooves us...
Hawkeye: "Behooves"? What are we, in the cavalry now?


"M*A*S*H: Soldier of the Month (#4.12)" (1975)
Margaret: Major Burns has decided to make out his will. Will you listen, Father?
Father Mulcahy: Gracious, I didn't even know he was dying.
Margaret: Oh, he isn't. No. Just a precautionary measure.
Father Mulcahy: Oh. But he does have the fever and a person is supposed to be of sound mind.
Frank Burns: Oh, it's okay, Father. I don't think my mind was any sounder when I was well.
Margaret: Call if you need anything, Major.
Father Mulcahy: Uh, are you sure you feel up to this, Frank?
Frank Burns: The only thing I really feel up to is dying.
Father Mulcahy: I see. Well, uh, if you're ready.
Frank Burns: My car, my house, all the money I buried in my backyard, goes to the only woman who ever really cared, ever really understood - my wife, Louise. She'll have to thaw out the map, it's inside some ground chuck in the basement freezer. My savings account passbook number is in the same bottle as my appendix.
Father Mulcahy: Appendix. Hmm. A-Anything else?
Frank Burns: For my children, all profits from my prescription kickbacks.
Father Mulcahy: Oh, dear.
Frank Burns: These are recorded in my red ledger, not the blue one that I show to the government. And finally, to Major Margaret Houlihan, my friend, my comrade, my little soldier, I leave all my clothes.

Major Margaret Houlihan: Will you step this way?
[they walk behind a tent]
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Margaret, what is it?
Major Margaret Houlihan: [punches him] The next time you give away your clothes, give 'em to somebody your own size!

Major Franklin Marion Burns: She hit me right on the chin!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Really? How did she find it?

Major Franklin Marion Burns: Can I tell you a secret? Promise not to tell?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Cross our cardiograms.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [proudly] Margaret and I are dating.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [awkwardly] Oh... huh.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: You have a fever.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: If I had two fevers I could give you change for a ten.
[laughs]


"M*A*S*H: Alcoholics Unanimous (#3.9)" (1974)
Frank: There's just no question. You're alcoholics! You drink constantly!
Hawkeye: All right, we drink. We drink so we can get through these lousy, stinking, 48-hour days.
Trapper: We're cold, filthy, lonely.
Hawkeye: Scared, bored, tired.
Trapper: Frightened and very drowsy.
Hawkeye: And on top of that, Alice Faye goes to the big city and loses her voice!
Trapper: She didn't.
Hawkeye: Yeah.
Trapper: We need a drink!

Frank: [barracading the officer's club] Ahh, it makes it one hundred percent. This place is now bone dry!
Radar: Yes, sir.
Frank: The uh, men detest me, don't they?
Radar: Oh no, sir.
Frank: No, you can tell the truth. They hate me, don't they?
Radar: Just your guts, sir.
Frank: Well this is for their own good! They don't have to love me.
Radar: Uh, I'm sure they'll be very happy to hear that, Major.
Frank: Well, you don't have to stand there talking to me... Go to sleep!
Radar: I can do both at the same time.

Hawkeye: [Hawkeye, Trapper and Margaret are drunk. Hawkeye sings] I wish there were a radio way up in heaven/So I could say hello to Mother every day.
Hot Lips: I didn't know you could sing.
Hawkeye: Was I singing? I thought I was dancing.
[They all laugh]
Frank: What the devil's going on in here?
Trapper: Frank! Baby!
Hawkeye: [sings, followed by Trapper and Margaret] Come on in and take off your skin and rattle around in your bones!
Frank: Major Houlihan!
Hot Lips: Whoop!
Frank: This really cuts me to the quick!
Hawkeye: That's quite all right. His quick could use some cutting!
Hawkeye, Hot Lips, Trapper: [laughing]
Frank: Let me have that!
[sniffs flask]
Frank: Where did this liquor come from?
Hot Lips: Shhhhh!
Hawkeye, Trapper: [almost in unison] Yeah, don't tell anybody.
Frank: As your commanding officer, I insist!
Hawkeye: Ok, ok, ok.
[Grabs Frank and pull him closer]
Hawkeye: You take eleven string beans, one onion, half a radish, and four banamas.
Trapper: [Grabs Frank's sleeve] Mix it up, and you... uh... let it soak for... uh... six weeks.
Hawkeye: Days.
Trapper: Days.
Hot Lips: You'd better write this down, Frank.
Hawkeye: [Grabs Frank back] Then you look around and you find the tallest tree, and you hang the stuff in an emena bag, and you let it lay there for eighteen weeks...
Trapper: Days.
Hawkeye: Days.

Frank: Have you ever given a lecture on temperance, Father? On the evils of drink?
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Well, no I haven't. But on the troop ship I was asked to give a lecture on uh, the sex thing.
Frank: Good!
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Well... being celibate, I didn't feel qualified. They called in a Protestant. He had a film. About two sailors. One was from Cleveland, ostensibly, and the other from a small rural area. The city boy decided to stay on his ship and write his high school sweetheart, a lovely young girl, with a megaphone on her chest.
Frank: Father, please. This is important.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: ...The country boy got mixed up with a young lady who lived in a trailer with three other young ladies and... a man with a whip.
Frank: Father...
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Broke his wristwatch and everything.

Frank: Anyone caught with an intoxicating beverage will be severely disciplined.
Hawkeye: I'll drink to that.


"M*A*S*H: For the Good of the Outfit (#2.4)" (1973)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel Blake?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, Major Houlihan, Major Stoner...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major. Major Burns, Major Stoner...
Maj. Frank Burns: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Pierce...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I think we've made a major breakthrough here.

Frank Burns: I don't think it's so all-fired sophisticated to walk around with a beard.
Trapper: Oh you oughtta' try it sometime Frank. Women love it.
Frank Burns: Oh I'll bet.
Hawkeye: Really. Come here.
[Frank walks over to him]
Hawkeye: Kiss me.

[Frank thinks Hawkeye and Trapper are making lewd gestures]
Frank Burns: Caught you!
Trapper: At what?
Frank Burns: Making one of your obscene gestures behind my back!
Hawkeye: Which one?
Frank Burns: You know, the one that...
[Hawkeye and Trapper start laughing]

Frank Burns: [walking into the swamp] Pig Pen! Brothel!
Hawkeye: Here, sir!
Trapper: Yo!

[Henry is introducing Majs. Burns and Houlihan to the visiting Maj. Stoner]
Margaret: Colonel Blake...
Henry Blake: Oh, uh, Major Houlihan, Major Stoner.
Margaret: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Henry Blake: Major. Major Burns, Major Stoner.
Frank Burns: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major, Major.
Hawkeye: Major Pierce.
Henry Blake: Major.
Hawkeye: Well, I think we've made a major breakthrough here.


"M*A*S*H: Hepatitis (#5.19)" (1977)
Hawkeye: Relax, Frank I just want to see you body.
Maj. Frank Burns: Oh, don't be a rude Rodney.
Hawkeye: Frank, there's hepatitis going around.
Maj. Frank Burns: Hepatitis!
Hawkeye: Yeah, let me look at your eyes.
Maj. Frank Burns: Are they yellow? How's my liver is it tender?
Hawkeye: How should I know it's you liver?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, feel it!
[he sprawls back on his cot]
Hawkeye: [probing Franks abdomen] How's that feel?
Maj. Frank Burns: [giggles childishly] Tickles!
Hawkeye: Frank, try to control yourself.

Maj. Frank Burns: [sits up] Well, some thing's wrong with me.
Hawkeye: Oh yeah, ever since Margaret got engaged?
Maj. Frank Burns: No! Since I've been getting shortness of breath and heart palpitations. Feel my chest.
Hawkeye: Not tonight, darling. I have a headache.
Maj. Frank Burns: And I have a lump here under the sternum and that's nt supposed to be there!
Hawkeye: [prepares to draw blood from Frank's arm] Frank, go like this.
[opens and closes his fist]
Maj. Frank Burns: Feels like a marble. Not like an aggie. More like an immie.
Hawkeye: Look, I don't have time to fee your chest for marbles. Just let me get some blood, I'll give you a shot in the behind and get out of here!

Maj. Frank Burns: Look, while you're here, will you check my arms? I think my arms are getting longer.
Hawkeye: Take two bananas and call me in the morning.
Maj. Frank Burns: Feel under my armpit.
Hawkeye: Not for five bucks!

Maj. Frank Burns: You call yourself a doctor.
Hawkeye: [preparing to give Frank a shot] Frank, for Christ sake, would you drop your driveling, your hypochondria, and your pants in that order!

Maj. Frank Burns: [Hawkeye just gave Frank a shot in the behind] Feels like you left a rock in there!
Hawkeye: Maybe one slipped down from you head?
Maj. Frank Burns: You broke a needle off in me, didn't you?
Hawkeye: Frank, these few moments with you have contributed more to my back pain than my army cot, and that's going some
Maj. Frank Burns: If you care anything for human life, you'll feel my lumps before you go.
Hawkeye: Leave 'em under my pillow. I'll give 'em a squeeze before I go to sleep.


"M*A*S*H: Chief Surgeon Who? (#1.4)" (1972)
Henry Blake: The job will be a killer.
Frank Burns: I can adjust.
Henry Blake: I hope you can. I'm giving it to Pierce.
Hawkeye: Oh, thanks.
Frank Burns: *What*? You can't! I won't stand for it!
Henry Blake: Frank, the one thing that will get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife.
Frank Burns: Well, what about rank?
Hawkeye: Can I help it if I'm not as rank as you?
Frank Burns: This is unheard of!
Henry Blake: Face it, Pierce is the best cutter in the outfit. He's certified in chest and general surgery. Frank, in case you haven't read the papers, there's a war on. We're here to patch guys together. We can't be so GI we lose patients!
Frank Burns: Are you implying that he's a better doctor?
Henry Blake: Yes, when the heat's on!

Frank Burns: I have got oak leaves on my shoulders.
Henry Blake: And I've got dimples on my butt.

Frank Burns: Haven't you two anything better to do when you're off duty than to lie around and swill gin?
Hawkeye: SWILL gin?' Sir, I have sipped, lapped and taken gin intravenously, but I have NEVER swilled!

Hawkeye: Whatever it is, Henry, it better be good.
Frank Burns: He's out of uniform, as usual.
Hawkeye: I tried sleeping in my uniform, Frank, but my medals keep stabbing me.

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: [to Major Margaret Houlihan] Be with you as soon as I can.
[Barker then sees Frank Burns sneaking out of Margaret's tent. The two lock eyes]
Frank Burns: [nervously] Bet this looks funny.
Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Bet it doesn't.


"M*A*S*H: Mail Call, Again (#4.14)" (1975)
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [while Burns is reading a letter from his wife] Everything okay at home, Frank?
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Uh... fine! Yeah... the... uh... crabgrass is in bloom, the cat had puppies...

Major Franklin Marion Burns: Is my call through to Indiana yet?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Not right now sir, I've got another call going through to Ohio.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Don't give *me* any of your snottiness! I'm not that old dimwit you work for!
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: The Ohio call's mine,Major.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [laughing nervously] Sir... I... uh... just a little joke with Radar.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I'd watch that dimwit talk, Burns. Your bulb's been out since I met you.

Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Talking to his wife on the phone] Houlihan? Well we have a Major Houlihan, but that's laughable! I mean... hah... Major Houlihan's an old war horse!

Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Talking to his wife on the phone] Attractive? Houlihan? She looks like an army mule with bosoms.

Major Margaret Houlihan: [Throws a chair at Burns after she listens in on Burns' conversation with his wife] WAR HORSE? ARMY MULE?
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Surprised] Margaret!
Major Margaret Houlihan: STUFF IT!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Chases after Hot Lips] Margaret! Margaret, I had to say all those things. Try to understand!
Major Margaret Houlihan: Leave me alone, you chinless chipmunk!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Grabbing Hot Lips' arm] Margaret, please!
Major Margaret Houlihan: Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Follows Hot Lips to her tent] Margaret! I had to lie. The stocks and the house are in her name!
[Hot Lips slams tent door in Burns' face]
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Burns turns on the charm] Uh... Margaret, dear, why don't I bring over my can of Sterno, and we can have some hot totties and you can put on your new nighty.
Major Margaret Houlihan: [Opens tent door and throws nighty in Burns' face] *YOU* put on my new nighty!


"M*A*S*H: O.R. (#3.5)" (1974)
Frank Burns: [bombs heard in background] I hope we're giving it to 'em good, those little yellow reds.
Hawkeye: Frank, you better take two yellow reds and go to sleep.
Frank Burns: Oh, you like getting shot at, Dr. Goody Two-Shoes?
Hawkeye: I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread, transplant the American Dream: freedom, achievement, hyperacidity, affluence, flatulence, technology, tension, the inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. That's entertainment!
Frank Burns: Pierce, you are certifiably insane.
Hawkeye: Gee, I can't understand why. Here I am, 20,000 miles from home working as an extra in a war movie with this guy's blood dripping into my boot. Nurse, you want to do something about that, or must I kiss you into submission?
Lt. Ginger Bayliss: Right away, doctor.
Hawkeye: That's not insane-making, Frank. Neither is bedding down every night with a flea circus, or eating food prepared by a cook who used to make box lunches for Kamikaze pilots, or getting so bored out my skull, I put on my dress uniform for a trip to the latrine!
Frank Burns: Will you watch your language?
Margaret: There are nurses present.
Hawkeye: Oh, forgive me. I'd like to offer the nurses a blanket apology. Or even better, I'd like to offer them a blanket invitation.
Frank Burns: Smut merchant.
Henry Blake: Oh, pipe down, Burns.
Frank Burns: Oh sure, always. You jump all over me, but he can say what he wants, and he gets away with it. Colonel's pet, that's what you are!
Hawkeye: I'll get you at recess!

Frank Burns: What I don't understand is why do people take an instant dislike to me?
Captain John McIntyre: It saves time, Frank.

Frank Burns: I'd squeal on anybody. Once, in school, I caught my best friend smoking. I didn't report him. Later, I snitched on myself for not snitching.
Trapper: Gimme a break, Frank. I'm very tired - I'm hearing you through the wrong end of the binoculars.

Frank Burns: Why does everyone take an instant dislike to me?
Trapper: It saves time, Frank.


"M*A*S*H: Henry in Love (#2.16)" (1974)
Maj. Frank Burns: As you all know, tonight Colonel Blake will resume his command after a week in Tokyo. Now, unless I made a few remarks about my recent stint as your temporary supreme commander, I would be derelict in my "officiousness." I think you'll all agree that by trying to introduce more discipline, more order, I have hopefully made this a more enjoyable war for all of us. Leadership is a lonely business. Your Napoleons, your Kaisers, your Attilas the Hun... were all alone there in the front office as I have been this week. I have thought of you, and I know you have thought of me... But some of the notes in the suggestion box were really below the belt! I mean, why drag my mother into this?

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: It's a very genuine pleasure to have you at the 4077th, Nancy dear.
Nancy Sue Parker: Oh, it's mine too. Everyone's been so terrific about being nice to me!
Maj. Frank Burns: It's nice to be nice... to the nice!
[giggles]
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: She's darling, Henry. Looks a little like your oldest daughter, doesn't she, Frank? He has three.
Maj. Frank Burns: They're all back in the States.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, "goom-bye," people. We're gonna wet our whistle.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Glad to have met you.
[Henry and Nancy leave]
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: "Nice to be nice to the nice?"
Maj. Frank Burns: Just making conversation.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Try doing it with your mouth shut.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Frank, is that your knee?
Maj. Frank Burns: I thought it was yours.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Well, as long as it's ours.

Maj. Frank Burns: [to Radar] Corporal, deform the men.


"M*A*S*H: Movie Tonight (#5.21)" (1977)
Hawkeye: Frank, let me use your pen.
Frank Burns: No.
Hawkeye: Come on, Frank!
Frank Burns: N-O! No.
Hawkeye: Why not?
Frank Burns: Because it's used to the way I write.
Hawkeye: It's used to: stupid

Frank Burns: [doing a Father Mulcahy impression] Uh, the post-op is collapsing and the OR's on fire.
Radar: Uh, sorry Father.
[doing a Father Mulcahy impression]
Radar: Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepititis. He's the most remarkable shade of yellow.

Maj. Frank Burns: Gee whiz, that's terrific. I haven't seen a good movie in ages.
Hawkeye: Frank, don't be childish. It's only a movie.
[Frank walks away]
Hawkeye: Oh, boy! Oh, boy! A movie! Hee, hee, hee! I'm so excited, I could plotz!

Hawkeye: And now for the moment no-one has been waiting for: the Father Mulcahy sound-alike contest.
[Father Mulcahy passes him his hat]
Hawkeye: [imitating Mulcahy] My word, Hawkeye, this jocularity is most unseemly.
[tosses hat to Klinger]
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [imitating Mulcahy, in squeaky voice] How can you make jokes at a time like this? Ooh.
[passes hat to Frank Burns]
Maj. Frank Burns: [in high voice] The post-op is collapsing and the O.R. is on fire.
[passes hat to Margaret]
Margaret: [in high voice] And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine.
[tosses hat to Radar]
Radar: Sorry, Father.
[puts on hat; imitates Mulcahy]
Radar: It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepatitis. He's the most remarkable shade of yellow.
[tosses hat to Colonel Potter]
Col. Sherman Potter: [in high voice] Jocularity! Jocularity!
[tosses hat to Father Mulcahy]
Father Francis Mulcahy: Let me just say this about all these impersonations...
[everybody groans in protest]
Hawkeye: That's definitely the Mills Brothers.


"M*A*S*H: The Price of Tomato Juice (#4.15)" (1975)
Maj. Frank Burns: [in mess line] Apples don't grow on trees ya know.

Maj. Frank Burns: These two aren't entitled to civility. They stuffed lard in my gun belt and write nasty things on my shorts.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We like to send threatening underwear.

Maj. Frank Burns: [In mess line] You're going on KP, Maxwell!
Igor Straminsky: I *am* on KP, sir!
Maj. Frank Burns: Well... when you go off, you're going on!

Maj. Frank Burns: Courage is something you can't be afraid to have.


"M*A*S*H: There Is Nothing Like a Nurse (#3.10)" (1974)
Maj. Frank Burns: You picked a fine time to watch a dirty movie.
Hawkeye: [They had just finished watching a movie of Frank's wedding] This was the worst of all, Frank.

Maj. Frank Burns: You can't park a Jeep over a superior officer!

Maj. Frank Burns: Let the enemy come. We'll show them American guts in action.
Radar: I think mine have started already, sir.

Major Margaret Houlihan: [Frank, concluding a phone call with Hot Lips from Henry's office, waits for her to hang up] Hang up, Frank.
Maj. Frank Burns: You hang up first.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Oh, Frank, that's so high school!
Maj. Frank Burns: OK. Let's count to three and then we'll hang up together.
Major Margaret Houlihan: OK, Frank, You start.
Maj. Frank Burns: One.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Two.
Hawkeye: [In unison with Trapper from Radar's phone] Three.
Major Margaret Houlihan: GET THEM, FRANK!


"M*A*S*H: Deal Me Out (#2.13)" (1973)
Maj. Frank Burns: There's a war on, and we've no time for violence!

Pvt. Carter: You've got no clothes on.
Maj. Frank Burns: Well I like to take them off when I have a shower.

Army Capt. Halloran: What was that?
Maj. Frank Burns: He's pretending to be violent.
Army Capt. Halloran: Good imitation.

Frank Burns: [about Capt. Halloran joining "The Conference"] Amazing! Anyone who comes in here is instantly corrupted!
Hawkeye: Hurry up, Frank. The good ship Lollipop is leaving.


"M*A*S*H: It Happened One Night (#4.3)" (1975)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [walking in on the giant mess that Frank has created in her tent] Frank! What are you doing?
Maj. Frank Burns: Huh?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: What are you doing?
Maj. Frank Burns: Uh... Have you got a pencil?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: A pencil?

Maj. Frank Burns: [whispers near patient] He's Chinese.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You don't have to whisper, Frank. He knows he's Chinese Frank.

Abbott: I don't want him touching me.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You don't have any choice; he's a doctor.
Maj. Frank Burns: So shut your yap.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You can tell he's a doctor by his bedside manner.


"M*A*S*H: The Gun (#4.13)" (1975)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Radar is innocent until proven guilty.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Right.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: But he - and only he - seems entitled to that consideration.
[leaves OR]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Don't you hate it when he's right?

Major Margaret Houlihan: Frank, you stole that Colt.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: I Never
[pause]
Major Franklin Marion Burns: it's just that I appreciate guns...
Major Margaret Houlihan: You lied to me Frank! That's worse than stealing!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Well, I happen to think stealing is worse than lying.
Major Margaret Houlihan: And *you* did both!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: So I ought-ta know!

Major Franklin Marion Burns: I did a terrible thing Margaret.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Oh
[puts arm around Frank]
Major Margaret Houlihan: It's alright now.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: I should have known better.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Well, at least you regret it.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: No, never again. When you steal something, don't ever try to return it.


"M*A*S*H: Mad Dogs and Servicemen (#3.13)" (1974)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [about the paralyzed kid] It's disgraceful, a US solder crawling on the ground.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Tell that to the infantry, Frank...

Major Franklin Marion Burns: I outrank you corpsman, I can have you punished.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: We'll do you one better, we'll sew your helmet to your head.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: You two are going to pay for this!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Not on our salary.

Major Franklin Marion Burns: I'm taking this to a higher authority.
Captain John McIntyre: Aw Frank, are you going to your mother again?


"M*A*S*H: Margaret's Engagement (#5.2)" (1976)
Frank Burns: Listen, Pierce, why don't you and I go out on the town tonight, hmm?
Hawkeye: Well, this is so sudden, Frank, I don't have anything to wear.
Frank Burns: Well, I mean, get a couple of nurses, go over to Rosie's bar, have a little fun.
Hawkeye: Sounds good to me.
Frank Burns: There's this little redheaded nurse who's had her eye on me. And tonight her wish will come true.
Margaret: Do you mean that new girl with the freckles on her nose?
Frank Burns: Yes, that's the one.
Margaret: She's a little young for you, isn't she, Major Burns?
Frank Burns: Oh, I don't know. I thought a little youth might be nice for a change.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: The convoy just took a direct hit.
Margaret: [miffed] If you'll excuse me, I'll just go finish my letter.
Hawkeye: You need any help holding up your pen?
Frank Burns: We got her on that one, didn't we?
[He, Hawkeye and B.J. laugh]

Frank Burns: What does he got that I haven't got?
Margaret: Lips.
Frank Burns: ...Lips aren't everything!


"M*A*S*H: Some 38th Parallels (#4.19)" (1976)
Maj. Frank Burns: How do I look?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: [after looking at Burns] Almost lifelike.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: [Frank wants to auction off the camp's garbage to locals] Burns, some men are born to greatness... others have garbage thrust upon them. You've got it.
Maj. Frank Burns: I won't let you down, sir.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: There's no way you can.

Maj. Frank Burns: First, let me welcome each and every one of you... wish you joy and, uh, chang-yo.
Man at acution: "Chang-yo?"
Maj. Frank Burns: Yeah.
Man at acution: You wish each of us a prostitute?
Maj. Frank Burns: I must have looked up the wrong word.
Man at acution: We don't mind!
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, I mean "prosperity."
Man at acution: Worked out the same!
[laughs]


"M*A*S*H: Big Mac (#3.21)" (1975)
Trapper: Frank! What are you doing?
Frank Burns: Burning books.
Hawkeye: Oh. Any special reason, Dr. Hitler?
Frank Burns: One of the greatest living Americans is coming and I'm not going to let him see some of the trash that's read around here.
Trapper: Plato's Republic? The Life of Red Grange?
Hawkeye: Revolutionaries.
Frank Burns: Right!
Trapper: Robinson Crusoe?
Hawkeye: Everybody runs around half naked.
Trapper: Norman Mailer.
Frank Burns: It's got *that word* in it.
Hawkeye: Frank, you burn one more book, I'm gonna give you a dancing lesson in the mine field. Now, knock it off, gnat brain!

Frank Burns: [to MacArthur's aid] I'll have you know that Major Houlihan's father served under the general in World War I.
Hawkeye: Margaret's father was a horse?

Frank Burns: [warning Hawkeye to take a good photo of the 4077's officers and enlisted] Now make this good, Pierce! This is going into the memorial album.
Hawkeye: Right, boss. And get in the front row, I want to catch those eyes.
Frank Burns: [pleasantly surprised] Wilco!
Hawkeye: Keep them spinning counter-clockwise!


"M*A*S*H: Dear Mildred (#4.7)" (1975)
Cho: [Frank and Hot Lips want a wooden bust of Colonel Potter carved] Hmm. Lotsa work. Two assistants. Electric light at night. Overtime. Hmm. Six bucks.
Maj. Frank Burns: [unsure] Well...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Frank, These people have no espect-ray unless you aggle-hay over the ice-pray.
Maj. Frank Burns: Five dollars.
Cho: Seven-fifty.
Maj. Frank Burns: Sold!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [glares at Frank] Umb-day!

Col. Sherman T. Potter: [tearfully accepts Radar's gift of a horse, then slips on something]
Maj. Frank Burns: That's disgusting!
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Son, to me that's a tip-toe through the tulips.
[big smile]

Maj. Frank Burns: So you do carve.
Cho: Oh yes, look at this
[presents a piece of lumber]
Cho: , used to be round.
Maj. Frank Burns: Looks like a 2x4.
Cho: Thank you.


"M*A*S*H: I Hate a Mystery (#1.10)" (1972)
Hawkeye: Good evening. Thank you all for coming. I trust you will forgive me for disturbing you at this late hour, but the time has come to unmask the guilty party - the perpetrator of this bad practical joke.
Frank Burns: We know who the guilty party is.
[to Henry]
Frank Burns: Why do you let him ...
Hawkeye: Contain yourself, Dr. Burns! Remember the old adage: "Methinks he doth protest too much."
Frank Burns: Who does he think he is?
Trapper: The Thin Man?
Hawkeye: You dislike me enough to wish me transferred to another base - preferably an enemy base. But let us not forget Major Houlihan. Tough, ambitious, yet greasy Major Houlihan. Why think of only one culprit? Why not a pair of sweethearts in crime?
Margaret: You are sick!
Hawkeye: Still, another colleague resents me because of his consistent losses at the gaming tables.
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: The man's a fruitcake!
Hawkeye: And yet you, Lieutenant, also had a motive of jealousy, because I share my affections among the ladies.
Lt. Barbara Bannerman: You told me I was the only one - !
Hawkeye: Ha! Of course, my legendary prowess among the fairer sex was cause for envy on the part of... Dr. McIntyre!
Trapper: Legendary? I've seen you strike out in a geisha house.
Hawkeye: Still, we must remember that the thefts were committed in several places, indicating that the thief had access to the various tents and was perhaps short enough to go unnoticed. There is only one man here short enough to bathe in his own helmet. Right, Radar?
Radar: Me? I'm not short!
Hawkeye: [chuckles] Let us not overlook the possibility of a mastermind who commands others to do his bidding, right, Henry?
Henry Blake: [waking up] Uhh, sign what, Radar? I'm sorry, Pierce. Uh, it's going very well.
Hawkeye: A most perplexing riddle, calling for the most ingenious of solutions. Thus I made it publicly known that there were fingerprints to be found on the stolen articles, thereby tempting the criminal to repeat his crime, and retrieve his ill-gotten booty - or his ill-booten gotty. Which he has done! However, in so doing, he has exposed himself.
[Frank closes his robe]
Hawkeye: Because I took the precaution of treating the stolen articles with hydrochloric-alpha-terracin.
Trapper: What's hydrochloric-alpha-terracin?
Hawkeye: A chemical which is at this moment coloring the culprit's fingernails... blue.

[last lines]
Frank Burns: That's fascinating.
Margaret: Oh, it is, it is.
Father Mulcahy: Oh, yes, yes, very definitely. You see, it was after he returned to the garden that he discovered that three of his apostles were missing.
[all look at Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: Well, don't look at me, I didn't take 'em.


"M*A*S*H: Out of Sight, Out of Mind (#5.3)" (1976)
Hawkeye: [Pierce, who was blinded earlier in the episode, calls out] Is there a doctor in the house?
Frank Burns: What is it, Pierce?
Hawkeye: Oh, Frank, I'm glad you're here - go get a doctor.

Hawkeye: [Pierce, who was blinded earlier in the episode, calls out] Is there a doctor in the house?
Frank Burns: What is it, Pierce?
Hawkeye: Oh, Frank, I'm glad you're here - go get a doctor.


"M*A*S*H: Pilot (#1.1)" (1972)
Maj. Frank Burns: What are you doing up there?
Hawkeye: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.
Maj. Frank Burns: Since when are you two interested in the Bible?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.

Maj. Frank Burns: Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!
Hawkeye: Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I'm just gonna have to challenge you to a duel.


"M*A*S*H: Tuttle (#1.15)" (1973)
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: [accosting Hawkeye after he observes him picking up Tuttle's mail] THAT is addressed to Capt. Tuttle.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Very good, Frank. You read well enough to be a druggist!
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Where is he?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who, Tuttle? He's in post-op, I'm going to drop this off for him.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Oh, well I can do that.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, that's very kind of you, Frank. That certainly belies all the vicious gossip somebody is spreading about what a twisted, selfish, meanspirited, overbearing fusspot you are.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: It certainly does!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Then I'll stop spreading it!

Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Have you seen Tuttle?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: You just missed him. He went to X-ray with Hot Lips. Said something about doing some chest pictures.


"M*A*S*H: For Want of a Boot (#2.17)" (1974)
Margaret: They love you, Frank!
Frank Burns: It was their hatred that fooled me.

Frank Burns: [Hawkeye has thrown Frank a surprise party to buy off Margaret] Pierce, Mclntyre, this is the happiest night of my life, buddies!
Hawkeye: You want to share the happiness, Frank?
Frank Burns: With the whole world!
Hawkeye: Sign this.
[Hands him Klinger's Section 8 discharge papers]
Frank Burns: Sure! What is it?
[reads papers]
Frank Burns: Never! You're asking me to let a pervert out of the army?
Hawkeye: Oh, right, Frank. By all means, let's keep the perverts *in* the army.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Klinger's not a pervert!
Margaret: How do you know?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Because I'm one and he's never at the meetings!


"M*A*S*H: Hot Lips and Empty Arms (#2.14)" (1973)
Maj. Frank Burns: Margret, you've been drinking.
Margaret: Correction, I *am* drinking.
Maj. Frank Burns: Margret! That's liquor!
Margaret: Right, Rev. Davidson.

Maj. Frank Burns: Scalpel.
Henry Blake: Gonna do some cutting, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, I figured I would go after the appendix while I'm the area.
Henry Blake: That's not the appendix, Frank. That's my pinky. And I'm rather fond of it.


"M*A*S*H: The Ringbanger (#1.16)" (1973)
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I'm going to feel your leg.
Col. Buzz Brighton: It feels fine.

Col. Buzz Brighton: What are you doing?
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Taking your pulse.
Col. Buzz Brighton: Well can't you do that without touching me?


"M*A*S*H: Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde (#2.5)" (1973)
Hawkeye: [Frank explains half of the North Koreans have never seen a bathroom] They want bathrooms?
Major Franklin Marion Burns: You bet your life they do, and if they can't take ours through submission, they will through war.
Hawkeye: They can have mine. I'll gladly keep my legs crossed until after the war.

Major Franklin Marion Burns: Why are you taking a picture of the latrine?
Hawkeye: Why are the North Koreans bombing us? What do they want? We have guns, they have guns, we have tanks, they have tanks, what could we possibly have that they want?


"M*A*S*H: Crisis (#2.21)" (1974)
Frank Burns: [looking at Klinger] What's he doing in here?
Hawkeye: Sharing our tent.
Frank Burns: Not on your nellie. You won't catch me sleeping with an enlisted man.
Hawkeye: Frank...
Frank Burns: Hmm?
Hawkeye: Just wrap yourself in the flag and go to sleep.
Trapper: And don't get in bed with that gun. That's an order.
Frank Burns: A captain can't give a major an order.
Hawkeye: Then it's a threat.
Frank Burns: Well, that's different. This was a great war until you guys showed up.

Frank Burns: What would have happened in 1776 if the Minutemen on their way to Concord had stopped to worry about toilet paper?
Hawkeye: So we would have had independence ten minutes later.


"M*A*S*H: Change of Command (#4.2)" (1975)
Maj. Frank Burns: Another week in command, and I'd have had you out of that dress!
Klinger: I'm not that easy.

Frank Burns: Another week in command and I'd have had you out of that dress.
Klinger: I'm not that easy!


"M*A*S*H: Radar's Report (#2.3)" (1973)
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Sitting under a hair dryer. Frank Burns enters and bites Klinger on the neck] What are you doing?
Maj. Frank Burns: [Flustered] I was a...
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Agitated] Can't a guy have a wash and set without someone biting him on the neck?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Enters tent] Biting who?
Maj. Frank Burns: [to Margaret] I was biting you.
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: No you weren't. You were biting me.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger, what are you doing in here?
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Just borrowing a little of your shampoo, Major. It's wartime. We all gotta help each other.
Maj. Frank Burns: [Incensed] No we dont! You get out of here, you pervert!
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Accusing] Pervert? Who bit who, Major?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [to Klinger, pointing at the door] OUT!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: All right, let's have it. What's wrong with Klinger?
Maj. Frank Burns: What's wrong with Klinger? A soldier stands in your office in an evening gown and you ask what's wrong with him?


"M*A*S*H: Exorcism (#5.12)" (1976)
Maj. Frank Burns: [about Koreans] Savages!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Frank, those "savages" were printing with movable type in 1403.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's right. I was in 1402 and didn't get a wink of sleep all night.

Kyong Ja: The exorcism would have to be performed by a Priestess. Once the spirits are gone, my grandfather would let you operate.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We haven't got time for that.
Kyong Ja: She's only a mile away.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I could drive her, Sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You do that, Radar.
Maj. Frank Burns: You do that Radar, and I'll have your stripes.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You look lousy in stripes, Frank. Go ahead, Radar.
Maj. Frank Burns: Now just a minute, Bub. U.S. Regulations do not allow for heathen rituals on government property.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Dangerous talk, Frank. If the spirits heard you say that, they'd turn you into a pumpkin, or a dedicated doctor.
Maj. Frank Burns: Ah, bunko junko.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Run along, Radar.
Maj. Frank Burns: Permission to run along denied!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Permission to deny denied!
Maj. Frank Burns: You can't do that! I outrank you. I have half a mind to tell the Colonel.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I deny you have half a mind.
Maj. Frank Burns: Then I will see the Colonel.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'll deny I said anything. I'll deny I denied anything. Beat it, Radar!
[Radar and Kyong Ja drive off]
Maj. Frank Burns: Pierce, you are the most unmilitary man in this man's army.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thank you.


"M*A*S*H: As You Were (#2.20)" (1974)
Maj. Frank Burns: Did I tell you about the boxing?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: They didn't hit you?
Maj. Frank Burns: No. They crated me in my sleep.

[Hot Lips and Frank enter The Swamp to find Trapper and Hawkeye dressed in gorilla suits]
Maj. Frank Burns: Pierce? McIntyre?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What is it, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: Take off those masks!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Take off those suits!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: We will if you will.
Maj. Frank Burns: Where did you get those costumes?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: What costumes?
Maj. Frank Burns: The costumes you're wearing!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: These aren't costumes. We stopped shaving last month.


"M*A*S*H: Sometimes You Hear the Bullet (#1.17)" (1973)
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, yes, Colonel, I've, um, put in for the Purple Heart.
Henry Blake: But according to your accident report, you tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.
Maj. Frank Burns: Yes.
Henry Blake: Is that the way you want it announced at the award ceremony? Tripped in the mud on the way to the shower?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, well, I, I...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Sir, this injury was sustained at a front-line unit. Technically that makes it battle-connected.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [entering] On that basis, we'll be handing out medals for social diseases.
Maj. Frank Burns: What are you doing here, Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I have a stethoscope fetish. This is the only place I can wear one without attracting attention. Henry, you're not going to endorse this idiot's application, are you?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: That's Major to you, Captain!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, you're not going to endorse this major idiot's application, are you?
Henry Blake: Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide when I decide and make my, uh, uh, decision, and that will, uh, decide.

[Hawkeye and Trapper come upon Frank sprawled on the ground, with Margaret looking on nervously]
Hawkeye: What's the matter, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: It's my...
Margaret: His back. It's his back.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: How'd it happen?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, I...
Margaret: [fibbing] Uh, he fell.
Margaret: [pointing] On his way to the shower.
Margaret: [pointing in another direction] He was coming from that direction.
Margaret: [and another] From his tent, I guess.
Margaret: [and another] Going in that direction.
Margaret: [pointing once more] The showers.
Hawkeye: And were you directing traffic at the time of the accident, officer?


"M*A*S*H: Post Op (#5.23)" (1977)
Hawkeye: [the 4077th is dangerously low on blood] Now, Frank, how come you've never donated?
Frank Burns: Strategy. One of us should always have a full tank.
Hawkeye: Now why didn't I think of that?
Col. Potter: Because you're not an idiot.

Frank Burns: [talking to a patient in post-op] Kid came through with an unidentifiable rash. I called it Burns Blight. Catchiest name since diarrhea.


"M*A*S*H: Germ Warfare (#1.11)" (1972)
Maj. Frank Burns: I'm fine! I'm completely fine! The last thing I'm gonna give you two ghouls is any of my blood!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ghouls. That's a nice thing to call us vampires.

Maj. Frank Burns: The only reason I'm paranoid is because everyone's against me.


"M*A*S*H: Major Fred C. Dobbs (#1.22)" (1973)
Trapper: It's a little chilly out there, how bout a drink?
Hawkeye: If you need a reason to drink, you shouldn't.
Trapper: A double or a triple?
Hawkeye: How about the first quintuple martini in medical history? How about you Frank, one for the road?
Frank Burns: I make it a point never to drink with strangers and as of right now, I don't know either one of you.
Hawkeye: It's chilly in here too. Make Frank a Shirley Temple and put it on my tab.
Frank Burns: You're nothing but common drunks.
Hawkeye: That is a rumor started by people I've fallen over.
Frank Burns: Laugh now, but when this war is over, I'll go back to my Country Club and my 30 foot yacht, and you two will be ship's doctors on a garbage scow somewhere.
Hawkeye: The typical love/hate complex. Freud said it best when he said, "Never ask for light chocolates."
Frank Burns: You're both a disgrace to the medical profession, let alone the United States Army.
Trapper: He's beginning to soften.

Hawkeye: I almost forgot. It's time to listen to my favorite Armed Forces soap opera, "Just Plain MacArthur."
[turns on tape recorder]
Frank Burns: Soap operas now. You're deteriorating by the minute.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [recording] I'll be devastated without you, you know that.
Frank Burns: [recording] I'll write you every day... faithfully!
Frank Burns: "I'll write every day... faithfully." Listen to that drivel, that manure! You know, anyone who could listen to that...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [recording] Frank, you're crushing my 'mums.
Frank Burns: Was that... that's... that's...
Hawkeye: That's right. Nurse Drivel and Dr. Manure!


"M*A*S*H: Dear Peggy (#4.10)" (1975)
[last lines]
Lt.: [paces back and forth outside post-op, then sits down on a bench, then begins to kneel in prayer when the door opens - turns] Is he going to make it?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, we could get bombed, there could be an earthquake, or Frank could operate on him again!
Maj. Frank Burns: Twerp!
Local Koreans (uncredited): [on Hawkeye's cue] You tell 'em, Ferret-face!

Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [lecturing Klinger] None of us wants to be here. I don't wanna be here. Radar doesn't want to be here. The doctors, the nurses. Certainly the wounded don't want to be here. But we've got to do our best. Understand, son?
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm trying.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Then get your butt in high gear and get back to work!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: That your last offer?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You got it! Out!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes, sir.
[Klinger exits, as Major Burns enters]
Maj. Frank Burns: Colonel, can I see you?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Do I have a choice?
Maj. Frank Burns: It's about Captain Pierce.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: He sew up your fly again?
Maj. Frank Burns: No, sir.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: He spit at you?
Maj. Frank Burns: He's stuffing a bunch of personnel into a jeep! Something about setting a world's record.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Chuckles] He's a pistol. Burns, can't you see Pierce is just trying to boost morale?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, my morale is fine. I love it here.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Stares at Burns] Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I've got to figure out which one.


"M*A*S*H: A Full Rich Day (#3.12)" (1974)
Frank Burns: Klinger! I want to see you out of that dress - tonight!
Klinger: Never on a first date, sir!

Klinger: [the Turkish soldier has just cut himself out of his canvas restraints] Major, do you want to take that knife away from him?
Frank Burns: Umm... I'm not interested in mock heroism.
Klinger: I'd settle for the real thing, sir.


"M*A*S*H: Welcome to Korea (#4.1)" (1975)
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Sir, this jeep is the property of Major General Cornell Dickering.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I don't know what you're talking about!
M.P. Lieutenant: You'll have to come with me, sir.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: What?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'd vouch for this man's character, Lieutenant, but he doesn't have any.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Snot! Snot! Snot!


"M*A*S*H: Private Charles Lamb (#3.14)" (1974)
Frank Burns: [Frank has learned that a soldier self-inflicted a wound] You little scum, you! Shooting yourself. You oughta be shot for that!


"M*A*S*H: Officer of the Day (#3.3)" (1974)
Margaret: [Frank wants a war prisoner released to Colonel Flagg. A doctor must sign to release the prisoner; Frank and Margaret are goading Hawkeye and Trapper into signing the release] Frank, *you* can sign for it! You're a doctor!
Frank Burns: Hey, that's right! I *am* a doctor!
Hawkeye: Your secret is safe with us, Frank.
Trapper: His *patients* are definitely never going to find out.


"M*A*S*H: Bananas, Crackers and Nuts (#1.7)" (1972)
Maj. Frank Burns: [Hawkeye is elaborately eating while in surgical garb] What's this funny business?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: There's nothing funny to me, Frank. I happen to be very serious about this delicious piece of liver.
Maj. Frank Burns: Where'd you get liver? They're serving hamburger.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You can't have any.
Maj. Frank Burns: Fine. But where did you get it?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: From the North Korean.
Maj. Frank Burns: North Korean? What North Korean?
Maj. Frank Burns: [beat]
Maj. Frank Burns: You mean the one that...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The one who croaked!
[Frank moves forward and moves the plate slightly to get a better look]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [outraged] You touched my plate! You're not sterile! You've ruined my liver! Ruined it! And we're all out of North Koreans!
[Trapper moves forward and slaps Hawkeye across the face]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't think I needed that.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Radar, take him back to the Swamp and make sure he takes the BLUE pills.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Frank] Flithy liver thief!


"M*A*S*H: The Longjohn Flap (#1.19)" (1973)
Captain John McIntyre: [Sees Frank in the longjohns] Look at what the giant rodent has on his body.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Supparating pustules, if there's any justice.
[to Frank]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Where'd you get those longjohns!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Wouldn't you like to know!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [picks up empty gas can and prepares to hit Frank with it] Those are MINE, you hermaphordidic weasel!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Possession is nine-tenths of the law, Pierce. And I'm sleeping with a loaded baseball bat under my pillow, so don't try anything!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: If I didn't think those would keep you warm, Frank, I'd come over there and beat you to a pulp. Say your prayers, Frank, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth!


"M*A*S*H: Iron Guts Kelly (#3.4)" (1974)
Maj. Frank Burns: [Frank knocks on Margaret's door and sees Hawkeye and Trapper] What's going on?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Nothing's going on, Frank. I just couldn't sleep.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: And we couldn't sleep.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: So we're all here not sleeping together.


"M*A*S*H: Dear Dad, Again (#1.18)" (1973)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Can't you ever be serious?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I tried it once, but everybody laughed.


"M*A*S*H: Dear Sigmund (#5.7)" (1976)
Maj. Frank Burns: [sits up on his bed after overhearing a conversation] Well, well...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Oh, I thought that lump under his covers was dirty laundry.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It is.


"M*A*S*H: The Sniper (#2.10)" (1973)
Hawkeye: [a clanging is heard in the kitchen] The mess tent.
Frank Burns: The sniper?
Hawkeye: Quiet! Come on.
Frank Burns: Me?
Hawkeye: He doesn't know we're out here, but we know he's in there, which gives us a good chance to catch him.
Frank Burns: Catch him?
Hawkeye: Or he catches us, whichever way it works out.
Frank Burns: Look, if you want to be a hero that much, you go.
Hawkeye: Frank, you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn. Come on.
Frank Burns: Wait! I'll come with you!


"M*A*S*H: George (#2.22)" (1974)
Frank Burns: Individuality is fine, as long as we all do it together.


"M*A*S*H: Divided We Stand (#2.1)" (1973)
Frank Burns: Why is someone's appendix in this boot?
Hawkeye: Because the other one is full of tonsils.


"M*A*S*H: The Colonel's Horse (#5.11)" (1976)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I'm afraid I have a bad appendix.
Maj. Frank Burns: Let me operate? Please!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: It isn't necessary. It isn't a hot appendix. It's chronic.
Maj. Frank Burns: Let me remove it. I'll put it in a nice Mason jar with a little alcohol. I'll bring you ice cream with chocolate sauce and perhaps some Oreo cookies.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: No!
Maj. Frank Burns: Show me some consideration. Let me cut you open!


"M*A*S*H: Hawk's Nightmare (#5.13)" (1976)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Frank, were you ever afraid to go to sleep?
Major Franklin Marion Burns: No.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Not even when you were a kid?
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Well, I had a Popeye night light, until my father took it away.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He did that?
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Yeah, he said it was dark 12 hours out of every 24 and he refused to have a son who was a coward half of the time.


"M*A*S*H: House Arrest (#3.18)" (1975)
Frank Burns: I have got oak leaves on my shoulders.
Henry Blake: And I've got dimples on my butt.


"M*A*S*H: Rainbow Bridge (#3.2)" (1974)
[during a debate about whether or not to go aid wounded Chinese soldiers]
Major Franklin Marion Burns: When are you going to learn about Chinese treachery? Didn't Pearl Harbor teach you anything?


"M*A*S*H: 38 Across (#5.15)" (1977)
Col. Potter: [Frank is telling his story after being taken by North Korean soldiers in a jeep] Why didn't you bring the jeep back?
Frank Burns: The jeep?
B.J.: Yeah, it's a big green thing.
Hawkeye: Looks like a turtle with a thyroid condition.


"M*A*S*H: Payday (#3.22)" (1975)
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [Frank is sneaking from behind the showers] Leave your duck in the shower, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: Oh, scram-skee!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Pervert! Fork over 75 bucks, or I'll tell the A.M.A.
Maj. Frank Burns: You wouldn't! You're bluffing.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: How could you tell?


"M*A*S*H: Yankee Doodle Doctor (#1.6)" (1972)
Frank Burns: [practicing reciting for upcoming film] "A group of brave men are at work in a make shift operating room struggling to save your sons and brothers while outside the dogs of war bark at the door of this sanctuary."
Trapper: [Hawkeye barks like a dog] Down, boy, down, down! Roll over. Jump through that.
Frank Burns: "These are the saints in surgical garb, dedicated surgeons, all volunteers. Every red-blooded American knows, if he is wounded, he will be in the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."
Hawkeye, Trapper: A Yankee Doodle Doctor?! Stuck a feather in his nurse and called her macaroni.
Frank Burns: You didn't like it?
Hawkeye: Didn't like it? Let me count the ways.
Margaret: That's hardly a constructive criticism.
Hawkeye: Oh, you want a *constructive* criticism. You're right. How about, you stink! And so does this little movie show and Lieutenant Bricker.
Frank Burns: Stinks?! Oh, you, you . . .
Hawkeye: Who you calling a you-you?


"M*A*S*H: Bug Out (#5.1)" (1976)
Col. Potter: [On the rumor of a bug out] Crock of beans!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: You called me, Colonel?


"M*A*S*H: A Smattering of Intelligence (#2.24)" (1974)
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Those guys are doped up most of the time anyway.
Maj. Frank Burns: Doped up on patriotism, fella! Something we're in pretty short supply of around here.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Here, here!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, we're running low. Get another order of "Yankee Doodle."


"M*A*S*H: L.I.P. (Local Indigenous Personnel) (#2.7)" (1973)
Frank Burns: [Enters the swamp] Disgusting! Why is whenever I come in here it's disgusting?
Hawkeye: I think that says it all Frank.


"M*A*S*H: Aid Station (#3.19)" (1975)
Hawkeye: [Addressing Radar's mess tray] Two mounds of mashed potatoes for breakfast?
Captain John McIntyre: I think I used to go steady with that tray.
Hawkeye: We could patent that, you know? Potato Falsies.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [eating with Margaret] Foul Mouths! There IS a lady present
Captain John McIntyre: [Looks around] Well, where is there a lady present?
[Klinger walks over to table]
Hawkeye: Now there's a lady present!


"M*A*S*H: Edwina (#1.13)" (1972)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: May I say, that I find this whole proposition highly
Captain John McIntyre: Colonic?
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Irregular.
Captain John McIntyre: I was close.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: And I will not partake in this unholy confluence.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Uh, Frank. I think I speak for everyone here when I say that if you don't lend your full cooperation to our little enterprise you will be stripped naked, painted purple and dropped by helicopter behind enemy lines.


"M*A*S*H: Springtime (#3.6)" (1974)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [to Margaret] Funny thing, war... Never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy.


"M*A*S*H: The Army-Navy Game (#1.20)" (1973)
Maj. Frank Burns: There's an unexploded shell out there.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We know, Frank, we know.
Maj. Frank Burns: We've got to evacuate immediately!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I did.


"M*A*S*H: Hey, Doc (#4.5)" (1975)
Maj. Frank Burns: [Runs over Colonel Potter's jeep with his out of control tank]
Col. Sherman T. Potter: [Walks up to the metal pancake, draws his sidearm, and "puts the beast out of its misery"]


"M*A*S*H: The General Flipped at Dawn (#3.1)" (1974)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: How is the hair in my nose?
Trapper: Fine, but it's parted on the wrong side.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: I never knew I had so much hair up there.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I thought it was an ingrown mustache.


"M*A*S*H: Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler (#4.9)" (1975)
Hawkeye: Come on, Frank, scrape the rust off your imagination, what if this guy really is who he says he is?
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: He's not.
B.J.: How do you know?
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I tested him.
Hawkeye: You tested him?
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I said a little prayer before lunch, nothing big.
Hawkeye: Just incase.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: My prayer wasn't answered, so put that in your hair and rub it.
Hawkeye: Come on, Frank, just because you didn't get chocolate pudding for lunch doesn't mean he isn't who he says he is.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: How did you know I prayed for chocolate pudding?
Hawkeye: You ALWAYS pray for chocolate pudding.


"M*A*S*H: Mail Call (#2.23)" (1974)
Hawkeye: [on why he made up a fake airline company] To help you look foolish!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: I don't need your help!


"M*A*S*H: Bulletin Board (#3.16)" (1975)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.


"M*A*S*H: Of Moose and Men (#4.11)" (1975)
Hawkeye: [opens a ceramic pot, and proves to Frank that it wasn't a bomb he saw the Koreans bury] It's a Kimchi pot, Frank. KIMCHI!
[turns to BJ]
Hawkeye: Pickled cabbage. They ferment it in the ground. There's millions of these buried all over Korea!
B.J.: I'd get title to this land, Major. Before word gets out.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Huh?
Hawkeye: Don't you understand man, you've struck cole slaw!


"M*A*S*H: Abyssinia, Henry (#3.24)" (1975)
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: [as the company assembles to see Henry off] Does the Colonel wish to review his troops?
Henry Blake: No, I just want to say goodbye.