Abe Sapien
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Quotes for
Abe Sapien (Character)
from Hellboy (2004)

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Hellboy (2004)
Abe Sapien: [upon seeing cockroaches leaving the cistern he's about to enter] We lead a charmed life.

[about his Rubik's Cube]
Abe Sapien: Listen, I'm not much of a problem solver. Three decades... and I've only completed two sides.

Abe Sapien: [about Sammael] Harbinger of Pestilence, Seed of Destr...
Hellboy: Cut to the end, will ya? How do I kill it?
Abe Sapien: Hmm, doesn't say.

Abe Sapien: Remind me why I do this again.
Hellboy: Rotten eggs and the safety of mankind.
Abe Sapien: Ah!

John Myers: He doesn't want me with him. I know that much. He respects Clay, not me.
Professor Trevor 'Broom' Bruttenholm: You're doing fine.
John Myers: No, I'm not. Look, I'm really sorry, but I'm not your guy.
Professor Trevor 'Broom' Bruttenholm: I'm dying, Agent Myers. Like any father, I worry about him.
Professor Trevor 'Broom' Bruttenholm: In medieval stories, there is often a young knight who is inexperienced, but pure of heart.
John Myers: Oh, come on. I am not pure of heart.
Abe Sapien: Yes, you are.
Professor Trevor 'Broom' Bruttenholm: Rasputin is back for him. What I'm asking of you is to have the courage to stand by him when I am gone. He was born a demon; we can't change that. But you will help him, in essence, to become a man.

Abe Sapien: [to Manning while handling a piece of evidence ungloved] Don't worry about fingerprints. Never had any.

Abe Sapien: [in a tank, to Liz] If there's trouble, all us freaks have is each other. And I'm stuck in here, so look after the big lug for me, will you?

Abe Sapien: [while stitching up Hellboy's forearm] How long did he touch you?
Hellboy: I don't know? About 5 seconds?
Abe Sapien: [pulls three eggs out of his forearm] Touched you five seconds, laid three eggs.
Hellboy: Didn't even buy me a drink.

Abe Sapien: [as Hellboy walks away from Sammael's corpse] Red, you need to hear the rest of the information.
Hellboy: Nah, he's taken care of.
Abe Sapien: No, listen to this. Sammael, the Desolate One, Lord of the Shadows, Son of Nergal...
[Hellboy starts to make "blah blah" motions with his hand]
Abe Sapien: ...hound of resurrection.
Hellboy: [stops] See, I don't like that.
Abe Sapien: What? Hound of resurrection?
Hellboy: [turns around; Sammael is gone] Mmm.

Hellboy: Outside. I could be outside.
Abe Sapien: You mean, outside with her.
Hellboy: Don't get psychic with me, fella.
Abe Sapien: Nothing psychic about it. You're easy.
Hellboy: How am I gonna get a girl? I drive around in a garbage truck.
Abe Sapien: Liz left us, Red. Take the hint.
Hellboy: [picks up his gun] We don't take hints.

Abe Sapien: [after probing the sealed door] Behind this door, a dark entity. Evil, ancient and hungry.
Hellboy: [sighs] Oh, well. Let me go in and say hi.

John Myers: Hey, no one goes with him? Jesus.
Abe Sapien: No. He likes it that way. The whole "lonely hero" thing.

Abe Sapien: You've been burned by some kind of organic acid.
Hellboy: I'm lucky that way.

Hellboy: [as Abe is patching up Hellboy's arm after his first fight with Sammael, Abe accidentally hurts Hellboy] DAMN! Could you *please* be a little more careful?
Abe Sapien: Mm-hmm... big baby.

Hellboy: Look at them ugly suckers, Blue. One sheet of glass between us and them.
Abe Sapien: Story of my life.

Tom Manning: Hey, fish stick. Don't touch anything.
Abe Sapien: I need to touch it to see.
Tom Manning: See what?
Abe Sapien: Past, future. Whatever this object holds.

Abe Sapien: Professor... you are very sick.
Professor Trevor 'Broom' Bruttenholm: I don't want Hellboy to know!

Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)
Hellboy: You're in love. Have a beer.
Abe Sapien: Oh, my body's a temple.
Hellboy: Well, now it's an amusement park.
Abe Sapien: No, no, no. The glandular balance of...
Hellboy: Just shut up and drink it, would you?

Abe Sapien: Red, we have company.

Princess Nuala: [with the others in the meat-locker] To wage his war, my brother needs this.
[holding the crown piece and cylinder]
Princess Nuala: The final piece of the crown of BethMora and this map to the location of the Golden Army chamber.
Johann Krauss: The Golden Army. The harbingers of death, the unstoppable tide...
Hellboy: [under his breath] Howdy Doody.
Johann Krauss: Your Highness, if you hand the crown piece over to us...
Princess Nuala: No. Where it goes, I go. My father died to uphold the truce with your world. We must honor his noble intentions.
Abe Sapien: The lady is in dire danger.
Johann Krauss: I take is your are vouching for her, Agent Sapien?
Abe Sapien: Most emphatically, yes.
Johann Krauss: Even so... I am sorry, but we simply cannot assume such responsibility on our own.
Hellboy: [getting in Johann's face] Lady just lost her father, what more do you want?
Johann Krauss: You may not care, but there are procedures, rules, and little handbooks that...
Hellboy: She's coming with us. You got that, gasbag?
Johann Krauss: [offended] What-what did you call me?
Prince Nuada: [from behind the group] You! You will pay for what happened to my friend down there.
Hellboy: [turning to face him, sarcastically] Yeah, right. You take checks?
Prince Nuada: [enraged] Demon. Born from a womb of shadows, sent to destroy their world and you still believe you belong?
Hellboy: Are we going to talk all night? Because I'm really sleepy.

Hellboy: [reading a CD's track listing] "Can't Smile Without You"?
Abe Sapien: I know...
Hellboy: Yep, I'm gonna need a beer, too!

Prince Nuada: [to the Golden Army] Kill them.
Abe Sapien: [shocked] He lied to us.
Hellboy: Abe, old buddy. We ever get outta this, we gotta talk.

Abe Sapien: [as she lies dying] I never got a chance to tell you how I feel.
Princess Nuala: Give me your hand.
[he takes her hand]
Princess Nuala: It's... beautiful.

Liz Sherman: [over the radio, at the auction house] Abe, what have we got?
Abe Sapien: [reading through his book] Oh, this is interesting. Both boxes have the royal seal. Only delivered in a time of war... Red, we have company.
Hellboy: [getting annoyed] Come on, Blue. Give me something to work with here!
Abe Sapien: Burrowing creatures.
Hellboy: How many of them?
Abe Sapien: Many... there are no corpses because there are no leftovers. Have you noticed the floor?
Hellboy: [walking through the bloody sludge] Aww, crap!
Abe Sapien: Precisely. All these things do is eat and eat, then poop, then eat again.
Liz Sherman: [sarcastic] Remind you of anyone?

Hellboy: Come on, Abe! What are these things?
Abe Sapien: Carcharadon Carcharias.
Hellboy: English, English.
Abe Sapien: They're, um... tooth fairies.
Hellboy: Ha!
Abe Sapien: No. Black Forest, 3rd Century. They feed mostly on calcium. Bones, skin, organs... But they do usually go after the teeth first. Hence the name, "tooth fairies."
Liz Sherman: Bet you they don't leave money, either.

Hellboy: [drunk] Why is she mad at me? And it's not about the mess, either, it's about something else.
Abe Sapien: [also drunk] Well, ask her then!
Hellboy: No! Look, Abe, when a woman's mad at you, but she's really mad about something else, and you have to ask, she gets mad because you had to ask in the first place! You know?
Abe Sapien: Uh...
Hellboy: Never mind, don't answer that.

Abe Sapien: [to pregnant Liz] Nothing to fear. Despite the appearances, I bet Red can be excellent father figure.

Tom Manning: What's going on? What's going on?
Hellboy: I quit.
[gives Manning his belt and weapon]
Tom Manning: What? Are you serious?
Liz Sherman: Looks that way doesn't it?
[gives Manning her belt and weapon]
Tom Manning: What's wrong with you? You can't all just quit.
Abe Sapien: [gives Manning his belt and weapons] Watch us.
[pats Manning on the cheek and walks past him]
Hellboy: [comes back] On second thought...
[pulls out the Samaritan]
Hellboy: I think I'll keep this!
[walks away]
Tom Manning: Come on. Come on! Johann, they can't do this. Stop them.
Johann Krauss: Dr. Manning, suck my ectoplasmic schwanzstucker!

Abe Sapien: My name is Abraham Sapien.
Princess Nuala: There is no such name.
Abe Sapien: Oh, I don't like it much either, but...
Princess Nuala: Enough! Give me your hand.
Abe Sapien: I'm sorry?
[she menaces him with her dagger; he holds up his hand, and she places hers against it]
Princess Nuala: You are an agent of the Bureau For Paranormal Research And Defense.
Abe Sapien: Yes.
Princess Nuala: And your name is... oh, dear.
Abe Sapien: Awful, I know.

Princess Nuala: I am Princess Nuala, daughter of King Balor...
Abe Sapien: I know. Forgive me, Your Highness, but as you were learning about me, I could not help but learn a little bit about you. You need our help.
Princess Nuala: I'm afraid it's the other way around.

Hellboy: "Popular Love Songs"? Oh, Abe... you fell for the Princess?
Abe Sapien: She... she's like me! A creature from another world...
Hellboy: You need to get out more.

Abe Sapien: Now, see, I love this song. And I can't smile, or cry. I think I have no tear ducts.

Jimmy Kimmel: [talking about Abe on TV] And what about this guy? Walking around with a toilet seat on his head.
Hellboy: [laughing] A toilet!
Abe Sapien: It's quite obvious it's a breathing apparatus.

Hellboy: [looking at Liz sleeping; drunk] Look at her. She's it, Abe. She's it. She's my whole wide... You know?
Abe Sapien: [also drunk] Yeah. Yeah.
Hellboy: I would give my life for her... but she also wants me to do the dishes.
Abe Sapien: I would die and do the dishes.

Hellboy Animated: Sword of Storms (2006) (TV)
Abe Sapien: You just made the newbie face.

Hellboy: Hey, kiddo. How you doing?
Liz Sherman: Great. For a walking napalm strike...
Abe Sapien: You saved our lives, Liz.
Liz Sherman: I practically torched you. Not to mention a couple of dozen miyans. Sorry about the burns...
Abe Sapien: Barely a sunburn.
Hellboy: Come on, they were mummies. And they were trying to kill you. Trust me, there's no upside to cutting the undead ANY slack.
Abe Sapien: You did what you had to do.
Liz Sherman: I lost control, is what I did. If you hadn't stopped me, I probably would have melted the place, and probably the two of you. I can handle the little stuff fine, but when I try anything big... God, the Bureau should lock me up! I'm the real monster!
[Hellboy and Abe begin laughing]
Liz Sherman: Okay, okay, I get it.
Hellboy: [wiping his eyes] No, no, you're the monster, all right. Me and Abe, we... I mean, you're lucky we let you be seen with us.
Abe Sapien: [chuckling] It's true. You do cramp our style.
Hellboy: The world needs what we can do. That makes us good guys. That's enough for me.
[Liz only sits silently]

Liz Sherman: Underwater- that giving-me-air thing- that was, um... I didn't know you could do that.
Abe Sapien: I wasn't sure it would work, either, but I have burped excess air before, so I thought...
Liz Sherman: Aah! I was breathing your burps? Ugh!

Hellboy Animated: Blood and Iron (2007) (TV)
Tom Manning: Ms. Sherman, Mr. Sapien, you'll be going to British Columbia.
Professor Kate Corrigan: Ogopogo has been sighted again on Lake Okanagan. This time it's apparently flipped a couple of houseboats.
Abe Sapien: Think I'm being typecast?
Liz Sherman: Ha, aren't we all?

Liz Sherman: No, no, no, they were in Pakistan. I'm sure of it. How could I forget? We found them after dealing with that sand-demon thing. Or was it the Andes?
Abe Sapien: Actually, I believe it was in Tangiers.
Sydney Leach: [aside] Boy, I can't wait until I see a little action.
Agent Clark: Careful.
Abe Sapien: I connect it with the ghouls under Siti Kasim.
Liz Sherman: Really? I remember webs. Lots of webs.
Hellboy: You're both wrong. They were in Budapest.
Liz Sherman: [gasps] Of course!
Abe Sapien: After the run-in with...
Liz Sherman: That thing!
Abe Sapien: In the choir loft.
Hellboy: With the arms.
Liz Sherman: Yeah! Oh, God, what was the name of that place? The... the...
Abe Sapien: The Monkey Paw!
Liz Sherman: Yes, the Monkey Paw!
Hellboy: Yup, that's where we found them.
Sydney Leach: Found what?
Liz Sherman: The best pastries on earth!
Abe Sapien: Excellent, the very best.

Sydney Leach: Miss Sherman? You mind if I take a look at the assignment folder?
Liz Sherman: [chuckles] Call me Liz.
Abe Sapien: Call me Abe.
[everyone looks at Hellboy]
Hellboy: Call me... only if you really need me.