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: Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass.
: All right, let me be the first to say congratulations to then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank. Way to work it through.
: Well why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.
: [to Frank's father in law
] It takes a man to give away an angel. You're sweet.
: I know a really good sand guy.
: At this point, you may be asking yourself, why am I holding this 30 pound cinderblock in my hands? You might also ask yourself, why does this cinderblock have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis? Beanie
: And the answer, ladies... is trust.
: I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep. Beanie
: Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch." Frank
: Cock. Balls. Beanie
: I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.
: [after finding out that it's in the bylaw that the only way to keep the fraternity is take a course of tests but Beanie does not want to do it
] Who'se lives are ruined? Mitch Martin
: Well, see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And now we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school, and you're not even gonna help them.
: Yeah, that's it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three-and-a-half-million dollars that the government knows about. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. Tou think I'm gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a fucking marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage.
: I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease-free gentleman standing by the mini-bar. Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm welcome Harrison welcome to my pal and your favorite, Snoop Dogg.
: Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second-degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years.
: Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one-way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers.
: You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen-year-old girls everyday?
: Spanish, what the hell are you doing? Spanish
: I'm just going to get some water. This suit is crazy hot, yo. Beanie
: Put your head back on. That can be very traumatic for the kids. Spanish
: You're right, I'm sorry, sir. Beanie
: Don't sorry me, babe. And shake the tail when you walk. You're better than that.
: Girls love a guy who's in your situation. Mitch
: What situation? Beanie
: Mitch. You're on the rebound. You're like an injured young fawn who's been nursed back to health and is finally going to be released back into the wilderness.
: Yea, I'm cool either way. I just have to run it by Marissa.
[Mitch and Beanie give him a weird look
: I'm messing with you guys. Beanie
: Not funny. Not funny. And now the baby is upset.
: He's playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed.
: Guys, this is a very special occasion. The Godfather himself has decided to grace us with his presence. This is his damn house. He sleeps twenty feet away.
: Don't say sorry to me. You let down Frank. You let down me. Most importantly, you let down Max. And right about now I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule to help you get over...
: Max, can you earmuff it for me?
: That whore you dated.
: I wasn't looking for a girl like that. Beanie
: Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.
: I just wanna tell you guys thanks for being here. Best day ever. Beanie
: Frank, you need to walk away from this right now.
: A professor lived here for like thirty years and died. Beanie
: That's awesome.
: Don't say sorry to me, Frank. Say it to the baby. Frank
: Sorry, baby.
: So what are you? Campus security? Dean Pritchard
: Try again. Beanie
: Jevohah Witness? Dean Pritchard
: I'm the Dean. Dean Pritchard.
: That party that we had last night has given us a lot of street cred.
: Weensie, you're on lifeguard duty. Weensie
: Sir, I can't swim, sir. Frank
: Speak when spoken to.
: Whose life is ruined? Mitch
: Let's see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I've lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school and you're not even gonna help them out.
: Wow. Cheese. Is that you? Dean Pritchard
: Hello, Mitch. Bernard. I see you guys haven't changed much. Beanie
: Who's this guy? Mitch
: Beanie, you remember Cheese, Rodney's kid brother? Dean Pritchard
: Actually, my name's not Cheese anymore. It's Gordon Pritchard. Beanie
: Oh, yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time? Dean Pritchard
: Yea, I got out. Beanie
: Cool man. Good. Glad you did.
: Beanie, you remember, Cheese. Beanie
: Oh, yeah. Cheeeeese... Didn't we lock you in the dumpster one time? Dean Pritchard
] I got out. Beanie
: Cool, man.
: I had an awesome time! Beanie
: I know that you had an awesome time. I think the entire town knows you had an awesome time.
: And wouldn't you want those times to keep on going?
: What about Mitch here? He saw the wheels come off his life, guys. His whole world crumbled. Now he's the Godfather.
: Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It's not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die.
: Good luck to everybody. Nice to know you all and I'll see you around campus.
: Mitch is a lawyer, buddy. He'll find a way out for us.
: You're the lady, Marissa. High five.
: No. That's a piece of crap. We stopped selling that six months ago. Nice gesture, though.
: Because this is a very big idea, my friends. We're talking about a non-exclusive egalitarian brotherhood where community status and, more importantly, age have bearing whatsoever.
: Yeah, from the guy who probably won't get in. Jerry
: I go to school here... Beanie
: What sort of actual association will you have with the university? Mitch Martin
: Who are these people? Frank
: I don't know. Beanie
: Well, legally speaking, there will be a loose affiliation. But, we will give nothing back to the academic community. As well as provide no public service of any kind. This much I promise you.
: Who's this guy? Beanie
: Oh, that's Blue. An old navy vet who hangs around my store a lot. Don't worry. He's legit. Mitch
: He looks like he's one hundred years old and he wants to pledge? Beanie
: You kidding me? Old man river can't shut up about it.
: What we need to do is throw a big kick-off, kick-ass party.
: I have a wife and kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frank?
: Can you do me a favor and tell Mitch it's perfectly okay to have sex with a 17-year-old? Lara Campbell
: Oh, yeah. It's fine, if you're 18 or you live in Louisiana.
: Hey, I just want to thank you one last time for being here. It's the best day ever. Beanie
: Don't even start with me, Franklin, okay? You need to walk away from this ASAP. Frank
: What? Beanie
: You need to get out, Frankie. This is it. It's now or never. You need to get out of here while you're still single. Frank
: I'm not single. Beanie
: She's 30 yards away, you're single now. Frank
: Come on, Marissa's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Beanie
: Why don't you give that six months. You don't think that'll change? I got a wife, kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frankie? Beanie
: There's my wife. See that? Always smiling? Hi, honey. Judging, watching, "Look at the baby." Mitch Martin
: She's coming down the aisle, Beanie. Let it go.
: You don't understand me Beanie, it's sexual harassment. I mean I could go to jail for this. Beanie
: For what? Being Awesome? Besides Mitch, how old did you say this girl was, 17 years old? Mitch, that's a total grey area. Mitch
: It's a total felony.