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: True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...
: Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do? Cab Driver
: I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat.
: At this point, you may be asking yourself, why am I holding this 30 pound cinderblock in my hands? You might also ask yourself, why does this cinderblock have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis? Beanie
: And the answer, ladies... is trust.
: I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep. Beanie
: Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch." Frank
: Cock. Balls. Beanie
: I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.
: [after finding out that it's in the bylaw that the only way to keep the fraternity is take a course of tests but Beanie does not want to do it
] Who'se lives are ruined? Mitch Martin
: Well, see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And now we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school, and you're not even gonna help them.
: [after learning he's going to be expelled
] Listen, this is a serious situation. I mean, I'm kicked out of school. I don't know what I'm gonna do, man. My mom's gonna kill me. Mitch
: C'mon, she's not gonna kill you. Weensie
: Yes she is. See, I'm the first one to go to college in my family and when I left she said, "Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you." She showed me the knife.
: Please be honest with me. Tell me this is the first time this has ever happened. Heidi
: Well, do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you this is the first time?
Gang Bang Guy
: Hello. Mitch
: Yeah? Gang Bang Guy
: I'm here for the gangbang...
: A little housewarming gift. Mitch
: I actually gave this to you for your wedding. Frank
: This model? Mitch
: That exact one.
: All I want to do is get some fucking sleep.
: Girls love a guy who's in your situation. Mitch
: What situation? Beanie
: Mitch. You're on the rebound. You're like an injured young fawn who's been nursed back to health and is finally going to be released back into the wilderness.
: I wasn't looking for a girl like that. Beanie
: Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.
: A professor lived here for like thirty years and died. Beanie
: That's awesome.
: So what are you? Campus security? Dean Pritchard
: Try again. Beanie
: Jevohah Witness? Dean Pritchard
: I'm the Dean. Dean Pritchard.
: Whose life is ruined? Mitch
: Let's see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I've lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school and you're not even gonna help them out.
: Wow. Cheese. Is that you? Dean Pritchard
: Hello, Mitch. Bernard. I see you guys haven't changed much. Beanie
: Who's this guy? Mitch
: Beanie, you remember Cheese, Rodney's kid brother? Dean Pritchard
: Actually, my name's not Cheese anymore. It's Gordon Pritchard. Beanie
: Oh, yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time? Dean Pritchard
: Yea, I got out. Beanie
: Cool man. Good. Glad you did.
: Beanie, you remember, Cheese. Beanie
: Oh, yeah. Cheeeeese... Didn't we lock you in the dumpster one time? Dean Pritchard
] I got out. Beanie
: Cool, man.
: I heard one of your pledges died. Is that true? Mitch
: Well, yes, but Blue was really old. And I feel pretty confident when we get the autopsy back it'll say natural causes.
: I haven't seen Frank's dad in like eight years. Frank
: I love you, Dad.
: What sort of actual association will you have with the university? Mitch Martin
: Who are these people? Frank
: I don't know. Beanie
: Well, legally speaking, there will be a loose affiliation. But, we will give nothing back to the academic community. As well as provide no public service of any kind. This much I promise you.
: This is my house. I live here, Beanie. I'm 30 years old. None of us are enrolled in the college.
: Who's this guy? Beanie
: Oh, that's Blue. An old navy vet who hangs around my store a lot. Don't worry. He's legit. Mitch
: He looks like he's one hundred years old and he wants to pledge? Beanie
: You kidding me? Old man river can't shut up about it.
: Denver? The sunshine state? Gorgeous!
: Hey, I just want to thank you one last time for being here. It's the best day ever. Beanie
: Don't even start with me, Franklin, okay? You need to walk away from this ASAP. Frank
: What? Beanie
: You need to get out, Frankie. This is it. It's now or never. You need to get out of here while you're still single. Frank
: I'm not single. Beanie
: She's 30 yards away, you're single now. Frank
: Come on, Marissa's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Beanie
: Why don't you give that six months. You don't think that'll change? I got a wife, kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frankie? Beanie
: There's my wife. See that? Always smiling? Hi, honey. Judging, watching, "Look at the baby." Mitch Martin
: She's coming down the aisle, Beanie. Let it go.
: You don't understand me Beanie, it's sexual harassment. I mean I could go to jail for this. Beanie
: For what? Being Awesome? Besides Mitch, how old did you say this girl was, 17 years old? Mitch, that's a total grey area. Mitch
: It's a total felony.