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: Okay, this is her. Start beating me up. Make it look good. Ula
: Give me your wallet. Okay, haole, what do you think? You can come to this island, eat our pineapple. Henry
: Help me! Not so hard. Take it easy. Ula
: Try to bang our women. Making my sister clean your hotel room. Henry
: Okay. What does that have to do with this? Relax. Hey! Hey! Help me, please! Ula
: Stupid haole!
: See what happens when you play with sharks. Ula
: Sharks are like dogs, they only bite when you touch their private parts.
[to his children
: You kids suck; you're good at everything!
: Hey, Dad. Ula
: Not now, Keanu Mokokokakau. Ula's Kid
: But your stitches are bleeding.
[while playing golf, Ula has ripped the stitches over a shark bite on his waist
: It must have been my huge back swing. You think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing? Henry
: Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Caddy
: I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something. Ula
: What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful. Caddy
: Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut anyway? Ula
: A shark bit me. Caddy
: Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!
: Come on, I need some details. You get some booby, some assy, a pull on your poi-poi? Come on. Ula's Kid
: Daddy, what's a nympho? Ula
: Uh, the nympho is the state bird of Ohio. Henry
: You're the state idiot of Hawaii.
: Oh, you crazy bitch! Lucy
: Yeah, keep running!
: [to Henry
] My shirt size is medium husky.
: [after Ula speaks in Hawaiian
] Thanks buddy. What does it mean, again? Ula
: Bring me back a t-shirt
: [dressed up as Lucy, with a coconut bra on
] Aquariums make me super horny!
: What's wrong with that turtle? Henry
: He has lung problems cause he smoked too much turtle weed, which is bad for you. Right Ula? Ula
: What? I don't smoke weed.
: And why is your foot on my pillow? Ula
: Sorry brah
[removes to reveal a dirty footprint and brushes it off, then sits on the pillow
: And I don't want your ass on it either!
: Hey! Kikikuloa! No flippies off the dock! You could get hurt! Let the Master show you how it's done.
[after doing a painful belly flop off a dock
: One of you kids go down there and find my nuts!
: Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool! And if that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that! Ula
: How do you think I get the dolphins to do double-flips and play with the white kids?
: Dude, I met this sexy blonde tax attorney from Florida at Starbucks today. I told her you the kahuna she wanna have fun on this island. You want her number? Henry
: You pimping tourists for me again, Ula? Ula
: Yes! I live vicariously through you, remember? My life sucks. Now, come on give her the Waikikiki sneaky behind the cheeky.
: I'd like to do something extra fun tonight. Ula
: You meet her, hang out, flirt, no commitment, nobody gets hurt. Henry
: She's got brain damage, you psycho. Ula
: Okay, I'll give you that one. But I think it'd be healthy for you. You haven't allowed yourself to connect with a girl for many years. Henry
: I appreciate your interest Ula, but leave me alone. Ula
: Hey, you'd be doing exactly what her father does: Giving her a wonderful day. Then when it's time for you to go on your big boat trip, poof, you just leave. She'll never even know you're gone. Henry
: See I'm not sure about the "poofing" part, because I'm not a very big poofer. Could you demonstrate a good poof for me. Ula
: Quit busting my coconuts for five seconds. Henry
: Alright. Would you stop poofing on that joint and do some work! Ula
: Okay. Let's get this sucker ready. Then we're gonna take her out for a spin.
: Yeah, that's right. Take that! And that! And that! And that! And that! Henry
: You got him. You got him. Enough. Enough. Lucy
: Are you okay? Henry
: Yes. Lucy
: Okay, I'll be right back. Hey! Come here! Henry
: No, no, no. I think he's had enough. I'm sorry. Ula
: My eye! Henry
: You got him! Lucy
: Not good enough. Ula
: Oh, Kamehameha! Henry
: He learned his lesson!
: [on video
] The part of you for this reenactment will be played by my good friend, Ula. Ula
: [on video
] Aloha. Sorry about your brain.
: Really? Even though in 10-15 years she could possibly let herself go and then sex would be like, nauseating, for you? Henry
: What, are you nuts? Your wife's right over there. Ula
: I'm just kidding, Muumuu!
: [to Henry
] You're such a lau lau.
: [Ula falls through the deck of Henry's boat up to his chest
] I think I pulled out my stitches again.
: Hey, did you get a cat? Because I feel something licking me...