Adm. Thomas 'Tug' Benson
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Quotes for
Adm. Thomas 'Tug' Benson (Character)
from Hot Shots! (1991)

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Hot Shots! (1991)
Admiral Benson: I slipped on a crab. Who put that crab there?
Lt. Commander Block: I don't see any crab, sir.
Admiral Benson: Don't tell me. There were two crabs. They work in pairs. I went to Annapolis for chrissakes!

Admiral Benson: Call down to the galley and order up some soup.
Lt. Commander Block: Yes, sir.
Admiral Benson: Ahhh... I love soup. At least I think I love soup. Blasted shell! It's either soup or duck. Which one do you shoot?
Lt. Commander Block: Duck, sir.
[Admiral Benson hits head on desk while ducking]
Lt. Commander Block: Are you alright, sir?
Admiral Benson: Of course I'm alright! Why, what have you heard?

Admiral Benson: Oh, by the way I would like to thank you for having us over for dinner the other night. Cheryl and I thought the stroganoff was marvelous.
Lt. Commander Block: But sir, we didn't have dinner the other night.
Admiral Benson: Really? Then where the hell was I? And who's this Cheryl? Bah! Doesn't matter.

Admiral Benson: My eyes are ceramic. Caught a bazooka round at Little Big Horn. Or was it Okinawa? The one without the Indians.

Admiral Benson: [Admiral Benson is giving a eulogy] Pete 'Dead Meat' Thompson is dead. So is Mo Green, Tataglia, Barzini, the heads of all the five families. It is at moments like these, my dear friends, that we must ask ourselves: "How can this not be part of some larger plan?" Do good men like Dead Meat Thompson just blink out one day like a bad bulb? I mean, one minute you're in bed with a knockout gal... or guy, and the next, you're a compost heap. Doesn't that bother any of you? Because it scares the living piss outta me!

[Admiral Benson comes into the briefing room in riding pants]
Admiral Benson: Be seated! Ah... Many of you are wondering what's wrong with my pants, well they started running short on materials right before they got to the knees so don't give me any shit. Ah. I look out there on all you wonderful guys and I say to myself "What I wouldn't give to be 20 years younger... and a woman". You know, I've personally flown over 194 missions and I was shot down on every one. Come to think of it, I've never landed a plane in my life.

Lt. Commander Block: [greeting the arriving Admiral] Admiral Benson!
Admiral Benson: Really? That's my name too.

Admiral Benson: You risked the lives of some damn fine pilots... and that's *my* job!

Lt. Commander Block: How are ya, sir?
Admiral Benson: Hawaii? Goddamn it, Bill! I'm supposed to be in California.
Lt. Commander Block: No, sir, this is California.
Admiral Benson: Well, gotta run. Good luck.
Lt. Commander Block: But, sir, this is your command.
Admiral Benson: Oh, good. First before we get to the base, I need to use the men's room. I have a sensative bladder. Got part of it blown off at Guaducanal in 1942.

Lt. Commander Block: Every aerial photo and recon report indicate a defensive arsenal in the D, and perhaps negative C, categories. There's also some anti-aircraft squadrons. They can send up an ack-ack umbrella high enough to make any attack ineffective. What do you think?
Admiral Benson: I don't have a clue what you're talkin' about, Phil. Not a fucking clue. I have a shell fragment the size of a fist in my head. Pork Chop Hill, 1953. The only way I can make this goddamn toupee to stay on my head is by magnetizing the entire upper left quadrant of my skull, so you just go ahead and do what you do.

[Jets start their engines]
Admiral Benson: God, that's loud! My ear canals are very sensitive. They're stainless steel. Took a bullet at Corregidor, 1945. Passed straight through my head from one ear to the other. Here, look at this.
[Admiral Benson takes a handkerchief and inserts it in his left ear passing it through his head and out the right ear]
Air Controller: [air controller gets his earplugs out] We have these to hold down the sound, sir.
Admiral Benson: Oh, good. Thanks.
[Admiral Benson swallows the earplugs]
Admiral Benson: Let's hope they do the trick. Hand me the microphone, boy.
[the air traffic controller hands the Admiral the microphone, but it accidently hits the Admiral in the forehead]
Admiral Benson: Ow! Be careful! Ever since D-Day, 1944, this plate in my head has been sensitive.

Admiral Benson: God, I love a good funeral!

Admiral Benson: Thompson wasn't that good a pilot, anyway. He only had a small family. The kids are a pain in the ass. The wife's on the sauce. Hell, poor bastard's better off dead. What size shoes do you wear?
Lt. Commander Block: A nine, sir.
Admiral Benson: Good. It's settled then. We'll send Harley to the front.

Admiral Benson: Gentlemen, we've waited a long time to hear this. In exactly five hours and 17 minutes, we hit the enemy toast.
Lt. Commander Block: I think that's the "enemy coast", sir.
Admiral Benson: Huh? Coast? That'll take a little more planning. But it doesn't matter. Our assignment is to knock out the nuclear-weapons plant here at Falafel Heights. The plant goes on line in 12 hours and is heavily defended. Now, if you have trouble hitting your objective, your secondary targets are here and here: an accordion factory and a mime school. Good luck, gentlemen. Blink, take over. Oh, there's one more thing...
[the Admiral accidentally gets hit on the head by a metal pipe which makes a loud ringing sound]
Admiral Benson: Never mind, I'll get that. It's probably for me.

Jim 'Wash Out' Pfaffenbach: Looks like enemy aircraft at 12 o'clock.
Admiral Benson: Really? 12 o'clock? Well, that gives us about...
[checks his watch]
Admiral Benson: 25 minutes. Think I'll step out for a burger.

Admiral Benson: [while standing on top of the aircraft carrier, his cap blew off and landed in the ocean] Holy Cow! My cap blew off! Swing her round. We'll pick it up.
Officer: But, sir, we're on the mission.
Admiral Benson: Good thinking. We'll pick it up on the way back. We gotta mark the spot, though. Put Robinowitz in a life raft. Have him row in circles until we return.
Officer: It could be days.
Admiral Benson: Then put some food in the life raft, for god's sake, man. Do I have to think of everything? We'll tape his favorite shows, he won't miss anything.


Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993)
[Addressing a roomful of Japanese businessmen]
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: It seems like only yesterday I was strafing so many of your homes. Here I am today, begging you not to make such good cars.

President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Cookie?
Col. Denton Walters: No, thank you, sir.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Young lady?
Michelle Rodham Huddleston: No, thank you, sir.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: No, I was just offering him a young lady.

President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: [He is about ready to battle Saddam Hussein] We'll settle this the old navy way; The first guy to die, LOSES!

Topper Harley: President Benson.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: No you're not. I've seen him on TV. An older man, about my height.
Michelle Huddleson: Mr. President, this is Topper Harley.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Topper Harley, of course, the son I never had. No wonder I didn't recognize you then.

President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Gotcha! Listening at the door, huh? Well, Walters, looks like we've got our saboteur.
Col. Denton Walters: That's your wife, sir.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Yeah, so it is. Lavinia. You're looking as lovely as the day we met.
[to Walters]
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Find out what she knows.

Prime Minister Soto: President Benson, where's your first lady?
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: I don't know. I've had lots of women. Lost my flower at the age of 15. I can't keep track.

President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Every time I give an order, it gets screwed up! Plan a reception, wrong hors d'oeuvres. Appoint an ambassador, he leaves the country.

President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Here's the target area.
Gerou: That's Minnesota, sir.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Damn it, man, that's the genius of my plan. Why go over there to fight? We can do it right here at home, and get in some good fishing while we're at it.
Gerou: Sir, the enemy is over there.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Then we'll fly them over here. Their families too. We'll teach them to skate... Do I have to think of everything?

President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: [observing Mount Rushmore through view-master] The Iraqi coast line. My god do those heights look treacherous.

President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Looks like the upper hand, is on the other foot!

President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: [Narrating] And so, we were off. Just two questions were going through my head: Will we make it in time?
[Voice starts getting higher]
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: And why did I bring helium instead of air?

Saddam Hussein: [President Benson throws Saddam a fireplace cleaning tool which lights up like a lightsaber, and his voice changes and sounds like Darth Vader] I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan, we meet at last. The circle is now complete, now, I am the master.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Only a master of evil, Saddam.
Saddam Hussein: Your powers are...
[Coughs, then takes a puff of primatine mist and his voice is back to normal]
Saddam Hussein: Your pows are weak, old man, you should not have come.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: We'll settle this the old navy way: first guy to die, loses.

Topper Harley: President Benson?
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: No you're not. He's an older fella, about my height.