Topper Harley
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Quotes for
Topper Harley (Character)
from Hot Shots! (1991)

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Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993)
Topper Harley: These men have taken a supreme vow of celibacy, like their fathers, and their fathers before them...

Topper Harley: Ramada, I want to be with you. I want to hold you. I want to meet your parents and pet your dog...
Ramada Rodham Hayman: My parents are dead, Topper. My dog ate them.

Topper Harley: President Benson.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: No you're not. I've seen him on TV. An older man, about my height.
Michelle Huddleson: Mr. President, this is Topper Harley.
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Topper Harley, of course, the son I never had. No wonder I didn't recognize you then.

Topper Harley: Colonel, who are they?
Col. Denton Walters: She's CIA. The other man's an extra.

Topper Harley: Of all the missions in all the jungles you had to walk into this one.

Ramada Rodham Hayman: I'm married. I was married before you and I ever met. I'm still married today.
Topper Harley: You're joking.
Ramada Rodham Hayman: I'm not.
Topper Harley: You've got to be.
Ramada Rodham Hayman: If I was joking, I would say: "A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Why the long face?'"
Topper Harley: You are married.

Topper Harley: I'm not saying I don't trust you, and I'm not saying I do. But I don't.

Ramada Rodham Hayman: Topper, I was so young, just a schoolgirl. He was an older man, so wise in the ways of the world. He used to come around the schoolyard, day after day. I so admired his persistence. Even the restraining order my parents slapped on him was no deterrent. He opened my eyes to the arts: music, clog-dancing, WrestleMania. His work has meant so much to so many. And I owe him everything, Topper. Everything.
Topper Harley: I'm happy for you, kid. But if you think you can hurt me again, you're wrong. I left my heart in my other pants.

Topper Harley: Ramada, I do love you. I've tried to forget you but no matter what, your face is on the tip of my tongue.

[Dexter is being rescued]
Dexter: You don't understand. I can't walk... they've tied my shoelaces together.
Topper Harley: A knot. Bastards!

Topper Harley: [narrating] Somebody once wrote, "Hell is the impossibility of reason." Well, that's what this place feels like - hell. I hate it already and it's only been a few hours. I'm so tired. We get up at four in the morning...
Capt. Benjamin L. Willard: [narrating] At first I thought they handed me the wrong dossier. I couldn't believe they wanted this man dead. Third Generation West Point, top of his class, Airbourne, Korea, about a thousand decorations, etc, etc...
Topper Harley, Capt. Benjamin L. Willard: [as their boats pass each other] I loved you in Wall Street.

Rabinowitz: What are you reading?
Topper: Great Expectations.
Rabinowitz: Is it any good?
Topper: It's not what I'd hoped for.

Topper Harley: [dazed] That's right, Cindy. It's twenty three minutes past the hour, and now heres the Buckinghams with "Kind of a Drag"...
[Topper collapses]

Col. Denton Walters: It seems there were three bears. And one morning when their porridge was too hot, they went for a walk. And a little blond girl came skipping through the woods... she ate their porridge and she sat in their chairs... she slept in their beds. And when those bears returned and discovered that mess... Do you know what happened then Topper?
Topper Harley: No.
Col. Denton Walters: That little blond girl get scared. Ran away.
Topper Harley: So you're saying is that little blond girl is me. If this is about me coloring my hair...

Topper Harley: I'm putty in your hands.
Michelle Huddleson: In my hands, nothing turns to putty.

Topper Harley: You're the only one that knows how to get to the copter pad. If I'm not there in 15 minutes, you know what to do.
Col. Denton Walters: Yeah, we get the hell out of here!
Topper Harley: No! Wait another 15 minutes!

Topper Harley: We both know you belong with Dexter. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. I'm no good at being noble, but... do you have any idea what would happen if you stay here with me?
Ramada Rodham Hayman: Of course I do. Sex. Wild, free, passionate, unbridled sex. I would fondle you in ways you can't imagine. I would pleasure you at any time, in any place, in any way, for as long as you could possibly desire.

Topper Harley: Do you know what its like to have your heart shot out of season and tied to the top of a car? How it feels to be passed like the world's largest kidney stone? Ramada... I don't THINK so.

Topper Harley: [Dexter has fallen off a cliff and died] He really was a wiener.

Topper Harley: [after Ramada has been shot] For a moment there, I thought you were...
Ramada Rodham Hayman: Gabriella Sabatini? I get that all the time. It must be the nose.

Topper Harley: There is also something not right. Harbinger, where were you went the boat showed up?
Harbinger: What are you accusing me of?
Topper Harley: Nothing, yet. But, I want to you know, I smell a rat.
[Then, a rat appears on Topper's back]
Harbinger: Hey, when you were showing off, I was cutting teeth for some of the best commanders.
Topper Harley: Listen, I'm not saying I don't trust you and I'm not saying I do, but I don't.

Topper Harley: Harbinger. I was right, wasn't I? You sabotaged all of the other missions. I find that totally unacceptable.
Harbinger: [Sobbing] You got me wrong. All this shooting and killing. I can't go on.
[Begins to cry]
Topper Harley: Hey, hey rainy face. Let the sun come out, you bad G.I. Joe. Here why don't you give uncle Topper a nice, big blow.
Harbinger: [Blows into Topper's handkerchief] I'm done.
Topper Harley: Atta boy.
[the handkerchief is a bag of snot, and drops it, and hands Harbinger gun and shoots a few Iraqis]
Harbinger: Thank you, Topper. I can kill again, you've given me another reason to live.
Topper Harley: Head towards the gate, they'll be plenty of bad guys to shoot along the way.

Topper Harley: President Benson?
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: No you're not. He's an older fella, about my height.

Ramada Rodham Hayman: Dexter is one of the captives. He's my husband.
Topper Harley: You've got to be joking.
Ramada Rodham Hayman: If I was joking, I would say: "A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar..."
Topper Harley: Okay, okay, he is your husband.

Topper Harley: [glances at Michelle and Asian man] Who are they?
Col. Denton Walters: She's CIA. That man's an extra.


Hot Shots! (1991)
Topper Harley: Nice place.
Ramada Thompson: It's okay. The only problem is I have a nosy landlady. Well, I guess this is goodnight.
Topper Harley: I don't want to go back.
Ramada Thompson: You don't have to. I don't want to be alone. And by the way... I can go all night, like a lumberjack!
Topper Harley: What about your landlady?
Ramada Thompson: You can do her too.

Topper Harley: You have the whitest white-part-of-the-eyes I've ever seen. Do you floss?

Kent Gregory: That flying stunt today was pure madness. If there wasn't a lady present, I'd tear you apart like Christmas goose.
Topper Harley: Yeah? Well, keep it up, you'll be carrying your face home in a doggie bag.
Ramada Thompson: What is this macho thing?
Topper Harley: He started it.
Kent Gregory: Did not.
Topper Harley: Did too.
Kent Gregory: Did not.
Ramada Thompson: You're behaving like children.
Topper Harley: He's bein' a jerk.
Kent Gregory: Am not.
Topper Harley: Are too.
Kent Gregory: Am not.
Topper Harley: Are too too too too too too too too too too too...
Kent Gregory: Not not not not not not not not not...
Topper Harley: Are too times ten.
Kent Gregory: [Shoving Topper] That's it...

Topper Harley: My father used to say that not playing to win is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she's a great piece of tail, with a blouse full of goodies, but... it's just illegal. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the banjo... eat apple sauce through a straw... pork farm animals.

Kowalski: You're quite a guy!
Topper Harley: [Kowalski is a woman] So are you!

Topper Harley: Those are some long legs...
Ramada Thompson: I just had them lengthened. Now they go all the way up.

Topper Harley: So... I guess you've been with a man before...
Ramada Thompson: I'm a virgin. I'm just not very good at it.

Reporter: Hey Topper Harley, now that you've killed the bad guy and made the world safe for democracy, what are you going to do to cash in on your new found fame?
Topper Harley: I'm goin' to Disneyland.

[Topper Harley is looking at the photos of Pete 'Dead Meat' Thompson's family]
Topper Harley: Cute.
Pete 'Dead Meat' Thompson: I like to stay in shape. Thanks.

Topper Harley: I could never find time for love. It's too heavy. It's an anchor that drowns a man. Besides, I got the sky, the smell of jet exhaust, my bike.
Pete 'Dead Meat' Thompson: A loner?
Topper Harley: No. I own it.

Ramada Thompson: You were discharged from the service 18 months ago for willful insubordination. You disobeyed a direct order and lost a $13 million fighter in the process.
Topper Harley: Yes, I did. But I'm paying it off at ten bucks a week. And I wouldn't be doing that if I'd gotten that extra collision coverage.

Topper Harley: [Topper leans over her to press the button on the elevator and inhales] That's an interesting perfume.
Ramada Thompson: It's Vicks. I have a cold.

Topper Harley: Can you save him?
Doctor: Can't be sure. I'm not a very good doctor.

Topper Harley: Mrs. Thompson, I know you must hate me right now but there's something I want you to have. I've been putting a little away for the past ten years. It's not much. 2500. I wish I could do more.
Mrs. Mary 'Dead Meat' Thompson: Why, Topper. That's so sweet. Why, with the three million that I won on this Lucky Lotto ticket, I can take this 2500 and just blow it all on hats.

Ramada Thompson: The chafing dish is not yours.
Kent Gregory: Yes, it is.
Ramada Thompson: No, it isn't.
Kent Gregory: OK, I don't want it.
Ramada Thompson: Just take it.
Topper Harley: I'll take it.
Ramada Thompson: You stay out of it.

Topper Harley: I've fallen for you like a blind roofer.
Ramada Thompson: I'm sorry?
Topper Harley: My heart is falling down around my ankles like a wet pair of pants. My whole life, all I've wanted to do is fly. Bomb stuff. Shoot people down.

Topper Harley: Kent, your nostrils are flaring...

Ramada Thompson: Lieutenant, please. I'm talking to you as a psychiatrist. I'm recommending that you be grounded.
Topper Harley: You've got to be joking!
Ramada Thompson: Look, if I were joking, I would've said "what do you do with an elephant with three balls?"
[Topper shrugs, since he has no idea what the answer is]
Ramada Thompson: "You walk him and pitch to the rhino".
Topper Harley: You are serious.

[the session is over. Topper is about to step out of Ramada's office. He fails to notice there are exposed electric wires hanging from the ceiling]
Ramada Thompson: Be careful out there, lieutenant.
Topper Harley: Don't worry. I can take care of myself.
Ramada Thompson: [stands] No, you can't! You're going to get hurt!
Topper Harley: I don't need your help, I don't need anybody's help. I'll be just fine.
[Topper closes the door, walks right into the exposed wires, and gets electrocuted. His skeleton is seen through the door. Ramada steps outside her office, worried]
Ramada Thompson: Are you OK?
[Topper stands, tries to recover, his hair protuding to all directions. His head bumps against an exposed wire, and he nearly falls again]
Topper Harley: [pants] Yeah. I'm fine.

Topper Harley: I was really impressed with the way you handled that stallion. You know, when I saw you dig your heels into his sides, tighten up the reigns and break his spirit, I never wanted to be a horse so much in my life.

Ramada Thompson: Topper Harley, I presume.
Topper Harley: Once, perhaps. Now I am called Tu-ka Chinchilla.
Ramada Thompson: What does that mean?
[camera pans down to Topper's bunny slippers]
Topper Harley: Fluffy bunny feet.

[Topper returns to the reservation and, much to his surprise, finds Ramada there]
Topper Harley: Ramada!
Ramada Thompson: Once, perhaps. Now I am called Wah-Wah tukina.
Topper Harley: What does that mean?
Ramada Thompson: Little Sizzling Belly.