Ted Logan
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Quotes for
Ted Logan (Character)
from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)

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Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)
Bill: It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.
Ted: Please welcome, the very excellent barbarian...
Ted, Bill: ...MR. GENGHIS KHAN!
[All the students applaud wildly for Khan]
Ted: This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.

[Bill and Ted are working on their history report]
Bill: Okay, Ted, George Washington. One: the father of our country.
Ted: Two: born on President's Day.
Bill: Three: the dollar-bill guy.
Ted: Bill, you ever made a mushroom out of his head? It's like, just like...
Bill: Ted. Alaska.
Ted: Okay. Um... Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.
Bill: That's Captain Ahab, dude.

[an early morning jam]
Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire!
Ted: And I'm Ted Theo-
[realizes *he's* holding the camera]
Ted: Hold on. Bill, here. You take it.
Bill: Okay.
Ted: And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!
[Bill puts the camera on the table]
Bill, Ted: And we're... WYLD STALLYNS!

Missy: Hi, Bill. Want a ride?
Bill: Sure, Missy.
[she draws a blank stare at Bill]
Bill: I mean, Mom.
[she smiles and puts on her Ray-Bans]
Ted: [whispering to Bill] Your stepmom's cute.
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?
Bill: Shut up, Ted!

[Bill thought Ted was killed]
Bill: Whoa! Ted! You're alive!
Ted: Yeah! I fell out of my suit when I hit the floor.
[they hug]
Bill, Ted: [to each other] Fag!

One Of The Three Most Important People in the World: It's you!
Ted: Yeah! It's us!
[to Bill]
Ted: Who are we?
[the strangers start playing air guitar, so Bill and Ted play also; more people come out and join them]
Ted: Bill, I think they want us to say something.
Bill: What should I say?
Ted: [shrugs] Make something up.
Bill: Be excellent to each other.
[room murmurs appreciatively]
Ted: Party on, dudes!
[room approves]
Bill: [to Ted] Good one, dude.
[to room]
Bill: Well, we gotta get back to our report.
Ted: Yeah. We'd take you with us, but it's a history report, not a future report.
Bill: Later.
The Three Most Important People in the World: Later.

[after seeing the Princesses Joanna and Elizabeth]
Bill: Ted?
Ted: I'm in love, dude.
Bill: Whoa. Those must be the princesses you told yourself about at the Circle-K. We gotta go. It's a history report, not a babe report.
Ted: But, Bill, those are historical babes.
Bill: Okay, you're the ladies' man. How we gonna meet 'em?

[Bill and Ted are in Ancient Greece]
Bill: [approaching Socrates] How's it going? I'm Bill, this is Ted. We're from the future.
Socrates: Socrates.
Ted: [whispering to Bill] Now what?
Bill: I dunno. Philosophize with him!
Ted: [clears his throat, to Socrates] "All we are is dust in the wind," dude.
[Socrates gives them a blank stare]
Bill: [scoops up a pile of dust from the basin before them and lets it run out of his hand] Dust.
[he blows the remainder away]
Bill: Wind.
Ted: [points at Socrates] Dude.
[Socrates gasps]

Billy the Kid: Not bad, eh, Socrates? Where are we, dude?
Bill: England, 15th century.
Ted: We are in most excellent shape for our report.
Bill: Yeah, all we need is one more speaker from medieval.
Billy the Kid: Excellent.
Bill: Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease.

Billy the Kid: Here's the deal. What I win, I keep. What you win, I keep.
Bill, Ted: Sounds good, Mr. The Kid!

Bill: He's dead?
Mr. Ryan: So, Bill, what you're telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon was a short dead dude.
Bill: Well, yeah.
Ted: You totally blew it, dude.
Mr. Ryan: Ted, stand up.
Ted: Stand up?
Mr. Ryan: Yes, son. Stand up.
[Ted stands]
Mr. Ryan: Now, who was Joan of Arc?
Ted: ...Noah's wife?
[laughter, then bell]

Ted: [walking down the street with Bill in the west] Hey, Bill. This is just like Frontierland!
Bill: Yeah, but you can get shot here, Ted.
Ted: Oh.
Bill: So just try to act natural.
Ted: Okay. Howdy, partner!
Old West Pedestrian: Howdy.
Bill: Watch out for the horse crap, Ted.
Ted: [sidestepping a big mound of horse excrement] Oh. Thanks, dude.

Ted: Now your dad's going for it in your own room!
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Your stepmom *is* cute, though.
Bill: Shut up, Ted!
Ted: Remember when I asked her to the prom?

Bill, Ted: Excellent.

Bill, Ted: How's it goin' ladies?
Princess Elizabeth: You're the ones we saw in front of the castle.
Ted: I am Ted of San Dimas, and, uh, I bring to you a message of love.
Princess Elizabeth: [giggles] From who?
Ted: [thinking] From... from myself.
Princess Elizabeth: And what is this message you speak of?
Ted: Uh...
Bill: [whispers in ted's ear] Lyrics, dude, recite them some lyrics.
Ted: Oh, you beautiful babes from England, for whom we have traveled through time... will you go to the prom with us in San Dimas? We will have a most triumphant time!
[princesses giggle]
Bill: Way to go, dude!

Bill: Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant. The truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
Ted: Yes, Bill. But, I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.
Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.
Ted: Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don't really even know how to play?
Bill: That is why we NEED Eddie Van Halen!
Ted: And THAT is why we need a triumphant video.
[air guitar, the clock chimes 8:00 am]
Bill: Uh oh, we're late!
Ted: For what?
Bill: For school, dude!
Ted: Oh yeah.

[Bill and Ted see they are about go into a loop in the Circuits of Time]
Ted: What's that?
Bill: I don't know.
Ted, Bill: SHIT!

Ted: [they are about to be executed in medieval times] Bill?
Bill: What?
Ted: I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn.

[seeing Missy as they arrive back in Bill's yard]
Billy the Kid: Whoa, who's the senorita? She's cute.
Ted: It's his mom, dude.

Bill: [Reading a note on a desk while sneaking around in the Police Station's administrative section] "Dear Bill and Ted, good luck on the report. Sincerely, Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted 'Theodore' Logan."
Ted: That was nice of us.
Bill: "P.S. Duck!"
Bill: [They do so and avoid being spotted by an officer worker passing by at that exact time]
[to Ted]
Bill: Excellent work, Dude!
Ted: [to Bill] Way to go!

Evil Duke: Put them in the iron maiden.
Ted: Iron Maiden?
Bill, Ted: Excellent!
[air guitar]
Evil Duke: Execute them.
Bill, Ted: Bogus!

Ted: Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.

[Bill and Ted meet themselves]
Ted: OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
Bill, Ted: 69, dudes.
Bill, Ted: Whoa.
[quadruple air guitar solo]

Ted: Dude, are you sure we should be doing this?
Bill: Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened. Besides, we told ourselves to listen to this guy.
Ted: What if we were lying?
Bill: Why would we lie to ourselves?

Bill: So-cratz - "The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing".
Ted: That's us, dude.

[Bill and Ted have met themselves again]
Bill, Ted: Catch you later, Bill and Ted.
Bill: That conversation made more sense this time.

Ted: Dude, it's Sigmund Frood.
Bill: How much time we got left?
Ted: Tons. Why?
Bill: Extra credit, dude.
Ted: [to Freud] How's it goin', Frood-dude?

Capt. Logan: I wanna speak with you, son.
[looks at Bill]
Capt. Logan: Alone, please, Bill.
[Bill goes outside]
Capt. Logan: All right, sit down! What am I gonna do with you, huh? You can't be...
Bill: [outside] Great.
Capt. Logan: You lose my keys, you fail history, you spend all your time with your loser friend planning a band that'll never happen. Now, you're not to leave this house again until tommorow morning.
[the phone rings]
Capt. Logan: Yes?
Bill: Captain Logan? This is Deputy Van Halen down at the station.
Capt. Logan: Deputy Van Halen?
[Ted sees Bill on the phone outside]
Bill: I'm new dude - sir. Look, we found your keys. If you want 'em, better come and get 'em.
[hangs up]
Capt. Logan: When I get back from the station, I want you packed and ready to go. Got it?
[Ted nods; Capt. Logan leaves]
Ted: [outside] We are in serious trouble. My dad already signed me up, my plane leaves tommorow night.
Bill: Only if we fail, dude.
[they look at the phone booth]
Bill, Ted: No way!

Ted: What are you doin' home, Dad?
Capt. Logan: I'm looking for my keys.
Ted: Oh!
Capt. Logan: You haven't done anything with them, have ya?
Ted: No, sir.
Capt. Logan: I spoke to your principal today, Ted. He said you're failing history.
Ted: Me and Bill...
Capt. Logan: He also said that if fail history, you flunk out of school. You know what that would mean, don't ya, Ted?
Ted: That I would have to go to Oates Military Acadamy, sir.
Capt. Logan: Uh-huh. I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning. He's anxious to meet you, Ted.

Capt. Logan: You pack your bags, Ted.
Ted: What?
Capt. Logan: You're going to military school, Ted.
Ted: But, Dad...
Capt. Logan: [interrupting] No, I don't wanna hear it, Ted.
Ted: But...
Capt. Logan: Ted! You go home and pack your bags now!

Bill: Listen to this dude Rufus, he knows what he's talking about.

[Bill and Ted have just landed the booth in Bill's yard]
Ted: Uh, Ms. Preston. We'd like you to meet some of our... friends.
Bill: Yeah. This is Dave Beeth-Oven.
[Beethoven kisses Missy's hand. She laughs]
Bill: And, uh, Maxine of Arc, Missy. Herman the Kid.
Ted: Bob "Genghis" Khan. So-cratz Johnson. Dennis Frood. And, uh, uh... Abraham Lincoln.

Bill: You ditched Napoleon!
Ted: Deacon, do you realize you have just stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders in San Dimas?
Deacon: He was a dick.

Bill: Who are you guys?
Future Ted: We're you, dude.
Ted: No way. No... way.
Future Ted: Yes way.

Ted: [both get served beers in a saloon bar] Whoa. He didn't even card us, dude.
Bill: Yeah, we have to remember this place.

[in Ancient Greece]
Bill: Socrates. Hey, we know that name!
Ted: Yeah! Hey,
[hands Bill the book]
Ted: look him up. Oh, it's under So-cratz.

[upon meeting the "royal ugly dudes"]
Bill: I am the Earl of Preston.
Ted: And I am the Duke of Ted.

Ted: Want a Twinkie, Genghis Khan? Say please! Mmmm...

Captain Logan: [Captain Logan sees Bill and Ted pushing Billy the Kid out of the prison block window] Ted, what in the hell do you think you're doing?
Ted: Trash can... remember a trash can!
Captain Logan: Trash can? What are you talking about...
[a trash can with "Wyld Stallyans Rule" written on the side lands on Captain Logan's head]

Ted: Excuse me. When did the Mongols rule China?
Lady at the Circle K: I don't know. I just work here.

Bill: Okay, wait, if we were one of Europe's greatest leaders, and we were stranded in San Dimas for one day, where would we go?
Bill, Ted: [pause] Waterloo!

Ted: [after Napoleon explains his new waterslide war strategy] I don't think it's gonna work.
Napoleon: Non?
[pause, then slams his pointer down on the map, scattering playing pieces everywhere]
Napoleon: Triomphe Napoleon!
[translated: Napoleon wins!]

Ted: Okay, the lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.
Bill: It's not just a water sport, I knew it!

Rufus: [meeting for the first time] Greetings, my excellent friends.
Ted: Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?
Rufus: Well, perhaps we can ask them.

Bill: If only we could go back to two days ago before your dad lost his keys, and steal them.
Ted: Well, why don't we?
Bill: Cuz we don't have time, dude.
Ted: We could do it after the report.
Bill: Oh, yeah! Where should we put 'em?
Ted: How 'bout behind this sign?
Bill: OK... Whoa! It worked!
Ted: Right, so when we're done with the report, we have to remember to do this or else it won't happen... but it did happen! Wow, it *was* me who stole my dad's keys!

Ted: [Ted stares down Missy's shirt as she leans forward, and then looks over and catches Bill staring as well] It's your *MOM* dude!