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Quotes for
Lurch (Character)
from "The Addams Family" (1964)

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"The Addams Family: Hide and Go Lurch/Hook, Line and Stinkers/A Sword Fightin' Thing (#1.11)" (1992)
[Gomez and Fester masquerade as an American Gothic portrait]
Lurch: [as a cow disguise] Moooooooooooo.
Gomez Addams: AHA!
Uncle Fester: YIKES!
[Gomez and Fester rush out of the portrait]

[Gomez and Fester hide in Cousin Itt's hair]
Gomez Addams: Think we lost him, Fester?
Lurch: [popping out from under Itt's hat] Uhhhh-uhhhh.
Gomez Addams: Well, thanks anyway, Itt.
[Itt jabbers]
Gomez Addams: By the way, old man, you missing a motorcycle?
Lurch: [producing a helmet] Yooouuur heeellmeeet...

[in the middle of a desert]
Gomez Addams: [panting] Fester... the vultures are starting to circle...
Uncle Fester: Well, if you would hold still for a second, one of them would land and start pecking...!
Lurch: Leeeemmmmooonnnaaade?
Uncle Fester: Shoot!

Uncle Fester: [brings out a remote] Brother of mine, I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but we do have one last hope: my emergency hiding place! I didn't want to tell you about it, but we are two desperate hombres!
Gomez Addams: Whatever it is, brother, do it.
[Fester presses the remote, and a 1000-ton weight crushes the two]
Lurch: Miisssteerrrrr Adddaaammms? Feesssteeerrr?
[Lurch walks away. The clock strikes midnight, and Gomez and Fester pull themselves out under the weight]
Gomez Addams: [in victorious agony] We did it, after all these years! The genius that is my brother! Not only have we finally outwitted Lurch, but we've gained the extra benefit of walking funny for weeks!
Uncle Fester: Well, I try.

Wednesday Addams: Lurch has something to say - ahem! - does he not?
Lurch: Iiiiii leeeet yoouuuu wiiiinnnn.
Uncle Fester: Well, tie me up and paint bugs on my head!
Gomez Addams: You mean... we were duped, cheated, buffaloed?
Lurch: Biiiinnnngoooo.
Gomez Addams: [shakes Lurch's hand] Glad to hear it, governor! Thank you.
Uncle Fester: [hugs Lurch] Bless your artificial hearts!


"The Addams Family: Lurch and His Harpsichord (#1.25)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: So you see, Lurch, in as much as you love the harpsichord so, the real public benefactors wouldn't be US, it would be YOU.
Gomez Addams: We even instruct the museum, Lurch, to name YOU as donor.
Morticia Frump Addams: What do you say to that?
Lurch: I quit.
Gomez Addams: No, Lurch... Lurch, y-you can't quit. Y-you're like one of the family.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, think of all those glorious, happy years we've spent together. Think of the children. Think of Mama and Uncle Fester.
[Lurch thinks for a moment]
Lurch: I quit.

Morticia Frump Addams: [near tears as Lurch exits dejectedly] Oh, Gomez, I think we've wounded him beyond repair.
Gomez Addams: Cadamia, it's your imagination.
Lurch: [from another part of the house] Ohhhhhhhhhhh.
Gomez Addams: What's that?
Morticia Frump Addams: My imagination.

[Two moving men enter, but are frightened by Lurch's appearance]
Lurch: You wanted something?
1st Moving Man: No, uh, I mean yes. Just the harpsichord.
2nd Moving Man: We were supposed to p-pick it up tomorrow...
1st Moving Man: ...but as long as we were in the neighborhood...
2nd Moving Man: ...we thought we'd get it today.
1st Moving Man: But we can come back tomorrow.
2nd Moving Man: Yeah, we can send somebody else tomorrow.
Lurch: [disbelievingly] You want my harpsichord?
1st Moving Man: No, we don't want it. Mr. Belmont wants it.
2nd Moving Man: For the museum.
Lurch: [angry] But it's MINE!
1st Moving Man: S-sure... sure... We have a... a pick-up order.
[the 1st Moving Man ever so cautiously hands the order over to Lurch]
Lurch: [crumpling the work order] Betrayed!
1st Moving Man: Uh, not by us. Look, uh, maybe we're in the wrong place altogether.
2nd Moving Man: Yeah, the wrong place.
[the frightened men are more than ready to get out of there]
Lurch: [decisively] Stop! Take it.
1st Moving Man: Really?
Lurch: [furious] TAKE IT!

[Espying Lurch heading toward the door with his packed carpet bag]
Gomez Addams: Lurch, where are you going?
Uncle Fester Frump: What's that in your hand?
Morticia Frump Addams: Where are you going?
Gomez Addams: Answer the third question first.
Morticia Frump Addams: What? Uh, yes, where are you going?
Lurch: Home, to Mama.
Morticia Frump Addams: Nonsense!
Uncle Fester Frump: Easy, Lurch. You'll lose your pension rights.
Lurch: Nobody cares about me.
Gomez Addams: Of course we care about you, Lurch.
Morticia Frump Addams: We all love you, Lurch.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, now, let's not get sick'ning. I LIKE ya, Lurch, but I don't LOVE ya.


"The Addams Family: Lurch Learns to Dance (#1.13)" (1964)
Lurch: I'm a wallflower.
Gomez Addams: What?
Lurch: I can't dance.
Gomez Addams: Oh, it's so simple. You can learn in no time.
[snapping his fingers in time]
Gomez Addams: "Come, and trip it as you go, / On the light fantastic toe." Shakespeare!
Morticia Frump Addams: [snaps her fingers] Milton!
Gomez Addams: By Jove, you're right.

Wednesday Addams: [finding Lurch in hiding] Just because we want you to go to The Butlers' Ball? It'll be fun.
Lurch: I like being miserable.
Wednesday Addams: You might find a nice girl to be miserable with.

[Gomez tries teaching Lurch to tango]
Gomez Addams: What's wrong, Lurch?
Lurch: You didn't shave.
Gomez Addams: Señoritas never do.


"The Addams Family: Uncle Fester, Tycoon (#2.16)" (1965)
Lurch: Youuuuu Rannnng.
Uncle Fester Frump: No, but, Lurch, you can get the car out. I have a date with a very important oyster.

[Trying to retrieve a phone number for a business deal from memory, Fester ends up telephoning himself on his other extension]
Uncle Fester Frump: [ring] Hello.
Uncle Fester Frump: Hello! I don't like that merger deal.
Uncle Fester Frump: YOU don't like it! Who asked you?
Uncle Fester Frump: Nobody asked me. I'm tellin' YOU, smart guy!
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, so now I'm a smart guy, huh? Well, you listen...
Uncle Fester Frump: No, you listen - the deal's off.
[hangs up]
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, yeah? Well, you can say THAT again!
[hangs up]
Uncle Fester Frump: [to Lurch] You can't let these fellas push you around.
Lurch: [having seen the whole thing] Uggggggh.


"The Addams Family: Girlfriendstein/Pugsley by the Numbers/Beware of Thing (#1.4)" (1992)
Wednesday Addams: What's wrong, Lurch?
Lurch: Nnnooooo cooommmeeennnnnttt...

Wednesday Addams: [at the door] I was hoping you would come back...
[Lurch's girlfriend enters]
Lurch: Uuuhhhh. Yoouuu caaammmmee baaaccckk...
Wednesday Addams: I wrote to her, Lurch, and told her you really cared, but you just have this tiny problem of expressing yourself.


"The Addams Family: Lurch's Grand Romance (#2.29)" (1966)
Trivia: [after drinking Grandmama's love potion] Where's that man?
Grandmama Addams: Coming up!
[boinnnnng!]
Lurch: You rang?
Trivia: Lurch! You great, big, wonderful hunk of masculinity!
Grandmama Addams: Well, I guess you two lovebirds wanna be alone!
Trivia: Where, oh, where have you been all my life?
Lurch: The kitchen.

Uncle Fester Frump: Lurch, how do you feel about gas?
Lurch: Gives me heartburn.


"The Addams Family: Cousin Itt's Problem (#2.6)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: What is it, Lurch? Is something wrong?
Lurch: Hair!
Pugsley Addams: Mother, look. There's hair on the chair, too.
Morticia Frump Addams: Cousin Itt, you're losing your hair!

Lurch: Follooooooow Meeeeeeeee.


"The Addams Family: Lurch's Little Helper (#2.27)" (1966)
Lurch: Smiley wants my job. They like him best. Pile of tin junk! It's unfair.
[Thing offers Lurch a tissue which, as Lurch takes it, turns out to be a sheet]
Lurch: Thank you, Thing. I'm through, finished.
[Thing wags a "no you're not" finger at him]
Lurch: What can I do?
[Thing makes a fist, punches the air twice, slaps the air three times, punches the air twice more then collapses]
Lurch: [inspired] Eh. You're a real friend, Thing.

Morticia Frump Addams: [bowing to Gomez who has come bounding into the living room wielding a samurai sword] Gong ho, my lord and master.
Gomez Addams: [likewise bowing] Yasho, me shukiyaki.
Morticia Frump Addams: Samurai time again, darling?
Gomez Addams: Yes, but it won't be much fun without Lurch. Then, he has to get his rest. I'll teach Smiley. Smiley!
Smiley: [enters] You - rang?
Gomez Addams: No, Smiley, I called. I'm going to make an ancient Japanese warrior out of you, Smiley. First thing I want you to do...
Lurch: [interrupting as he enters] Nooooooooooooo!
Lurch: [to Smiley] Follow me.
Morticia Frump Addams: [after Lurch and Smiley exit] Isn't that sweet! I don't think Lurch is jealous of Smiley anymore. He probably wants to play with him.
Gomez Addams: Well, this house always has bred peace and harmony.
[loud commotion offstage; Lurch re-enters alone]
Gomez Addams: What was that noise all about?
Morticia Frump Addams: And where is Smiley?
Lurch: [holds up large wrench] Resigned.
Lurch: [puts down wrench, picks up samurai sword, faces Gomez] Banzai!
Gomez Addams: [delighted] Banzai!
[Gomez leaps into action, yelling in Japanese]


Addams Family Values (1993)
[repeated line]
Lurch: Uh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-uh!

Lurch: [a Cannonball that Wednesday and Pugsly drop from the roof lands on his head] Grrrrr...


"The Addams Family: The Addams Family and the Spaceman (#1.27)" (1965)
[the cauldron rumbles and explodes]
Lurch: Punnnch is readyyyyy.


"The Addams Family: The Winning of Morticia Addams (#1.34)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: How can I have soothed nerves when tragedy is about to strike someone very near and dear to us.
Grandmama Addams: The octopus?
Lurch: The moose?
Uncle Fester Frump: Morticia and Gomez.


"The Addams Family: My Fair Cousin Itt (#2.1)" (1965)
Lurch: Uuuuuuuuhhhhh!
Cousin Itt: What do you mean by that, Lurch?
Lurch: Just "uuuuuuuuhhhhh"!


"The Addams Family: Green-Eyed Gomez (#1.8)" (1964)
Gomez Addams: It's no use, Lurch. Apparently I am doomed to live.
Lurch: Sorry, sir.


"Batman: The Penguin's Nest (#2.27)" (1966)
Lurch: [pops his head out a window as Batman and Robin are climbing the wall outside, interrupting his harpsichord practice] Ohhhhhhhh. It's youuuuuu, Batman... gave me quite a startle.
Batman: Yes, citizen, you may return to your harpsichord.
Robin: We're on official business!
Lurch: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.


"The Addams Family: Crisis in the Addams Family (#1.24)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: [decorating] There now, Lurch. You see what a bit of poison ivy can do for a canon?
Lurch: Veeeery cheeeerful.


"The Addams Family: Uncle Fester's Illness (#1.18)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: Lurch, I'm afraid you're going to have to apologize to Uncle Fester.
Lurch: Ughhhhhhhhh.
Gomez Addams: That's better.
Morticia Frump Addams: DEAR Lurch. He expresses himself so well.


"The Addams Family: Progress and the Addams Family (#1.30)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: [finishing his letter] P.s. I always knew you were a corrupt, hypocritical old windbag.
Morticia Frump Addams: I do hope he doesn't take that last part personally.
Gomez Addams: How could he?
Lurch: [announcing from the vestibule] His honor, the Commissioner.
Morticia Frump Addams: I'm sure he's come to offer his apologies.
Gomez Addams: I guess the hypocritical old windbag isn't such a bad fellow after all.


"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Matchmaker (#1.12)" (1964)
Lurch: Followwww meeeee.


"The Addams Family: Mother Lurch Visits the Addams Family (#1.17)" (1965)
[Training Lurch to behave like master of the house, Morticia presents him the newspaper]
Morticia Frump Addams: No, no, Lurch. Not the funnies - the financial page. Wealthy men always turn to the financial page first.
Lurch: [resolutely] I like the FUNNIES!


"The Addams Family: Feud in the Addams Family (#2.11)" (1965)
Wednesday Addams: [loaded down with boy-trapping equipment] What advice do YOU have for me, Lurch?
Lurch: [gestures at having nothing] Ugggggh.
Wednesday Addams: [dropping the equipment to embrace Lurch] I LOVE you, Lurch.


"The Addams Family: Fester Goes on a Diet (#2.18)" (1966)
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, Lurch, I'm in terrible shape.
Lurch: So I seeeee.


"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Breadwinner (#1.26)" (1965)
[Fester's sign hangs upon the Addams mansion fence: "Escort Service. Suave continental types for hire. $50 per hour."]
1st Woman: Oh, look, Gladys. This must be one of those gigolo places.
2nd Woman: Fifty dollars an hour. Ooo, they must be absolutely dreamy.
Uncle Fester Frump: [popping up from behind the sign with Lurch] See for yourselves, girls!
[the women scream and run]
Uncle Fester Frump: What's a matter with them?
Lurch: Flighty.


"The Addams Family: Gomez, the People's Choice (#2.5)" (1965)
Lurch: [announcing] The press.
Reporter: I'm Brown from The Sun.
Gomez Addams: Ah, you certainly look it!


"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Writer (#2.8)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: What was the name of that mean little girl who was so beastly to those three lovely bears?
Lurch: Goldilocks.
Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, yes, Goldilocks. Trust a blonde to bring on trouble. Well, when I get through with Miss Goldilocks, her books will be banned from coast to coast.
Lurch: Ugggh.


The Addams Family (1991)
[repeated line]
Lurch: Uh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-uh!


"The Addams Family: Morticia's Romance: Part 2 (#2.3)" (1965)
Grandmama Addams: Lurch, have you seen my son Gomez?
Lurch: Noooo, Mrs. Addammms.
Grandmama Addams: Where can that boy be?
Lurch: The river?


"The Addams Family: Cousin Itt Visits the Addams Family (#1.20)" (1965)
Announcer: We interrupt with a special announcement: An hour ago a dangerous creature broke out of the city zoo. When last seen, the monster was heading for the Greenbrier-Woodlawn area.
Morticia Frump Addams: That's us again.
Lurch: Shall I bolt the windows and doors?
Gomez Addams: Nonsense. It's probably another relative.


"The Addams Family: Gomez, the Politician (#1.4)" (1964)
Gomez Addams: We want to get our butler, Lurch, on television.
Morticia Frump Addams: We feel he'll appeal to the women's vote.
Gomez Addams: Camera moves in. It's a close up of Lurch.
[bong]
Gomez Addams: Lurch expresses himself on the candidacy of Sam L. Hilliard.
Lurch: Ughghghghgh ughghghghghghghgh.
Gomez Addams: Animal magnetism, you can't top that.