Morticia Addams
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Quotes for
Morticia Addams (Character)
from "The Addams Family" (1964)

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Addams Family Values (1993)
Morticia: [to Debbie] You have enslaved him. You have placed Fester under some strange sexual spell. I respect that. But please, may we see him?

Debbie Jellinsky: These Addams men, where do you find them?
Morticia: It has to be damp.

[about Pubert]
Gomez: He has my father's eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.

Debbie Jellinsky: I don't wanna hurt anybody. I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns, or bombs, or electric chairs. But sometimes people just won't listen. And so, I have to use persuasion. And slides.
[Showing slide pictures]
Debbie Jellinsky: My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or *were they*? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie. In her pretty pink tutu. My birthday.
[the slide shows her as a child, smiling and opening a gift]
Debbie Jellinsky: I was 10, and do you know what they got me? *Malibu* Barbie.
Morticia: Malibu Barbie.
Gomez: The nightmare.
Morticia: The nerve.
Debbie Jellinsky: [flicks to the next slide of her throwing a bared-teeth temper tantrum] That's not what I wanted! That's not who I was. I was a *ballerina*, graceful, delicate! They had to go.
[the next slide shot shows a burning house]

Delivery Room Doctor: [to Morticia] Push, Mrs. Addams.
[to the Nurse]
Delivery Room Doctor: Forceps?
Forceps Nurse: Forceps.
[giving the Doctor forceps]
Forceps Nurse: Forceps.
Delivery Room Doctor: Would you like anesthesia?
Morticia: No, thank you. But do ask the children.

Morticia: [to Gomez] I'm just like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband, a family. It's just, I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.

Gomez: [visibly disgusted] Fresh air. The scent of pine.
[hands Pugsley a cigar]
Morticia: Wednesday, look at all of the other children, their freckles, their bright little eyes, their eager, friendly smiles. Help them.

Morticia: So... you still desire me after all these years? The old ball and chain?
Gomez: Forever!
Morticia: I'll get them!

Debbie Jellinsky: I just can't tell, does he like me at all?
Morticia: Of course he does. He vomited.
Debbie Jellinsky: That's true. Does he always do that with women he likes?
Morticia: Oh, no. Just you.

Morticia: Wednesday's at that very special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind.
Ellen: Boys?
Wednesday: Homicide.

Gomez: At his request, I would rip out my eyes. At his command, I would crawl on my belly through hot coals and broken glass.
Morticia: Why wait?

[at Debbie's house]
Morticia: Where are we?
Grandma: It looks familiar... of course, the gates of hell.

Morticia: My baby is ill, and my husband is dying. Oh Mama, what shall I do?
Grandma: Well, you have a black dress.

Morticia: [confronting Debbie in her house] You have gone too far. You have married Fester, you have destroyed his spirit, you have taken him from us. All that I could forgive. But Debbie...
Debbie Jellinsky: What?
Morticia: ...pastels?

[at the police station after asking to arrest Debbie]
Gomez: [shouting] Has the planet gone mad? My brother, passion's hostage. I seek justice - denied! I shall not submit! I shall conquer! I shall rise! My name is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil!
[Grandma waves Pubert in the air]
Gomez: I have seen horror!
[Lurch waves]
Gomez: I have seen the unholy maggots which feast in the dark recesses of the human soul!
Morticia: They're at camp.
Gomez: I have seen all this, officer. But until today, I had never seen... *you*!
Desk sergeant: Hook him, book him, cook him. *Now*!

Gomez: [shouting] I demand justice! Someone has married my brother!
Desk sergeant: [sarcastically] No!
Gomez: She took him to Hawaii!
Desk sergeant: [cynically] Get outta here!
Gomez: They have moved into a large, expensive home, where they make love *constantly*!
Desk sergeant: I hate when that happens.
Gomez: Arrest her at once, without delay!
Desk sergeant: Who?
Gomez: Debbie. My brother's wife, the temptress of Waikiki!
Desk sergeant: Who are you? What are you? Who moved the rock?
Gomez: Officer, you must issue a subpoena. I believe they own...
Morticia: Gomez, NO!
Gomez: [shouting] A Buick!

Morticia: Children, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new nanny. What do we say?
Wednesday: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Morticia: Children, do you think we love the baby more than we love you?
Wednesday, Pugsley: Yes.
Morticia: Do you think that when a new baby arrives, one of the other children has to die?
Wednesday, Pugsley: Yes.
Grandma: Well, that's just not true.
[sighs wistfully]
Grandma: Not anymore.

Morticia: Gomez.
Gomez: Cara mia?
Morticia: Marvelous news. I'm going to have a baby. Right now.

Morticia: [to Gomez] One house, three children, so many windows.

Delivery Room Doctor: Nurse, how close are the contractions?
Delivery Nurse: Every fifteen seconds, doctor.
Gomez: Are you in unbearable pain? Is it inhuman? My darling, is it torture?
Morticia: Oui.

Gomez: Cara mia.
Morticia: Mon cher.

Morticia: [walking into Pubert's nursery] Oh, Gomez. It's dark, it's depressing, it's desolate.
Gomez: It says, "Toddler".
Morticia: It's a dream.
Gomez: Come, cara mia.

Morticia: [to Gomez, after Pubert shoots a flaming arrow into the ceiling] Did you see that?

Wednesday: Death! Death to the enemies of the people of the Republic.
[Pugsley releases the guillotine and chops a watermelon in half]
Wednesday: Hurrah! Justice is served. Bring forward the evil one.
[Pugsley brings over Pubert, who is in a white dress and bonnet]
Wednesday: [to Pubert] You have betrayed the people of France. You are evil incarnate. How do you plead?
Pugsley: [holds up Pubert, speaks in "baby voice"] Guilty!
Wednesday: Guilty! By her own admission! The sentence is death. Executioner, place her on the block.
[Pugsley lays Pubert down in the guillotine]
Wednesday: 1... 2...
Morticia: [from downstairs] Children, what are you doing?
Wednesday, Pugsley: Playing!
Wednesday: ...3!
[She releases the guillotine. Pubert catches the blade in his fingers]
Wednesday: Woe to the Republic.

Morticia: [Thing hops on Debbie's shoulder] Thing, stop that.
Gomez: He likes you.
Debbie Jellinsky: [Debbie sucks on Thing's index finger; he shudders and falls off] I'm good with my hands.

Morticia: Good night, Debbie.
Debbie Jellinsky: Good night.
Morticia: Scream if you need anything.

Morticia: [to Debbie] All the important numbers: Police, Fire Department, Morgue.

Morticia, Gomez: [to each other] Summer camp?

Uncle Fester: Gomez! Morticia! Great news! Something impossible... a miracle!
Gomez: The rash?
Morticia: It's gone?
Uncle Fester: I'm engaged!
[Debbie shows them the ring]
Morticia: That ring!
Gomez: It was our mother's. She was buried with it.
[Debbie holds up a shovel]

Grandma: Unless Fester comes back, we're talking *dimples*.
Gomez: Not in this house!
Grandma: He could stay this way for years! Forever! He could become... a lawyer.
Gomez: I won't listen!
Grandma: An orthodontist!
Morticia: Mama! Stop!
Grandma: President!
Gomez: [looking up above] Please! I beg you! Take me!
[sobs openly]

Morticia: Adieu, mon cher.
Gomez: Adios, cara mia.

Morticia: [handing Pubert to Debbie] You've had your shots? Measles, mumps, rabies?

[Morticia is reading "The Cat in the Hat" to Pubert, who has golden curls and rosy cheeks]
Morticia: Are you enjoying this?
[sadly]
Morticia: To think, a child of mine!
[turns the page]
Morticia: "I know it is wet, and the sun is not sunny. But we can have lots of good fun... that is funny."
[flipping to the last page]
Morticia: Oh, no. He lives.

Gomez: [opens the window to enjoy the night air, and catches Pubert as he falls from the roof] Cara mia!
Morticia: Oh, dear.

Debbie Jellinsky: Hi, I'm Debbie Jellinsky from the agency.
Morticia: The agency? But they claimed no one else was available. They suggested a Doberman.

Morticia: [in a philosophical sighing tone] Our whole family... together at last... three generations... above ground.
Debbie Jellinsky: [shouting from offstage, then suddenly appearing on the scene holding a ridiculous-looking fat-bodied old-fashioned sawed-off shotgun, which she pumps dramatically to chamber a shell] IN-LAWS!
[Shluck-shlick!]


The Addams Family (1991)
[to Gomez, watching Pugsley sleep]
Morticia: It's so sweet. He looks just like a little entrée.

Morticia: Children, what are you doing?
Wednesday: I'm going to electrocute him.
Morticia: But we're late for the charity auction.
Wednesday: But, Mother...
Morticia: I said no.
Pugsley: Pleeaaaase?
Morticia: Oh, all right.

Morticia: [to Thing] Thing, you're a handful.

Morticia: Don't torture yourself, Gomez. That's my job.

Wednesday: May I have the salt?
Morticia: What do we say?
Wednesday: [sternly] Now.

Gomez: How long has it been since we've waltzed?
Morticia: Oh, Gomez... hours.

Morticia: Gomez.
Gomez: Querida?
Morticia: Last night you were unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me. Do it again!

[as they examine a rare and valuable heirloom Morticia is about to donate to charity]
Grandmama: Let's keep it!
Morticia: Hush, mama! It's for charity! Widows and orphans. We need more of them.

[Looking for something in a wardrobe]
Morticia: "Uncle Niknak's winter wardrobe." "Uncle Niknak's summer wardrobe." "Uncle Niknak."

Morticia: Margaret?
Margaret: Hmm?
Morticia: About the séance tonight, I wish you'd come. It's Gomez I'm terribly worried about. He won't eat, he can't sleep, he keeps coughing up blood.
Margaret: He coughs up blood?
Morticia: Well, not like he used to...

Morticia: Gomez, why don't we go for a drive? The whole family.
Gomez: A drive? And miss Gilligan?

Morticia: And our credo: "Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc." We gladly feast on those who would subdue us. Not just pretty words.

Gomez: To live without you, only that would be torture.
Morticia: A day alone, only that would be death.

Gomez: [as he helps Morticia out of a trap] Leather straps, red-hot pokers!
Morticia: Later, my dearest.

Margaret: You are too precious for words, why I could just... eat you alive!
Morticia: Oh no, Margaret! Too young!

[performing abridged "Hamlet" in school play; sword fighting]
Wednesday: How all occasions do inform against me and spur my dull revenge. O, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody or nothing worth. If I must strike you dead, I will.
Pugsley: [slashes Wednesday's left wrist; blood sprays out] A hit! A very palpable hit!
[Wednesday cuts of Pugsley's arm, Pugsley slashes her throat; there is lots of blood spraying everywhere, getting the front rows]
Wednesday: O, Proud Death. What feast is toward in thine eternal cell?
[drops both swords and falls to her knees]
Wednesday: Sweet Oblivion, open your arms!
[choking and gasping for breath, collapses, and dies]
Wednesday: [the audience sits aghast in stunned silence, covered with blood while the Addams give a standing ovation]
Gomez: Bravo!
Morticia: Bravo!
Gomez: Bravo! Bravo!

Judge: [at the auction] This magnificent piece is encrusted with rubies and fifteen emerald chips. It was donated by Morticia and Gomez... Addams. Remember, this year, over half our proceeds will benefit the elderly and the mentally disabled.
[Gomez and Morticia look fondly at Grandmama]
Judge: I'll open the bidding at five thousand dollars.
Gomez: Five - , hah! Not good enough. Twenty thousand!
Margaret: [frantic] What are they *doing*?
Judge: I have twenty.
Gomez: Twenty-five!
[to Morticia]
Gomez: Cara mia?
Judge: Twenty-five.
Morticia: Thirty.
[to Gomez]
Morticia: Mon sauvage.
Gomez: [voice cracks] Thirty-five!
[to Morticia]
Gomez: Eres divina.
Morticia: Mm, fifty!
Judge: I have fifty thousand dollars.
Morticia: [to Gomez] Your turn, my ecstasy.
Judge: Fifty thousand going once, fifty thousand going twice. Sold to Morticia Addams for fifty... thousand... dollars.
[looks disgusted as Gomez and Morticia do something obscene]

Morticia: Why don't you speak to Fester, darling? He's right outside the door.
Gomez: I would speak with Fester if that *were* Fester. But that is *not*! That is an *impostor*! An *impostor*!

Morticia: [to Thing] There it is. Just what we've been searching for. Thank you, Thing.

Morticia: [to Wednesday and Pugsley at the séance] Children, we're starting. Put down that antenna.

Uncle Fester: What is this?
Morticia: Mama's spécialité de la maison.
Gomez: Oh, Tish.

Morticia: [to Pugsley and Wednesday] Dead Man's Curve.

Morticia: When we first met years ago, it was an evening much like this. Magic in the air. A boy.
Gomez: A girl.
Morticia: An open grave. It was my first funeral.
Gomez: You were so beautiful. Pale and mysterious. No one even looked at the corpse.

Gomez: Cara mia.
Morticia: Mon sauvage.

Morticia: [to Tully, as he is torturing her] You've done this before.

Gomez: Cara mia.
Morticia: Mon cher.

Gomez: Is it painful?
Morticia: Extremely.

Gomez: Cara mia, is it true?
Morticia: Oui, mon amour.

Morticia: [to Flora and Fauna] Flora, Fauna, how can I compete? You're twice the woman I am.

Grandmama: Aah! Aaaaaaah!
Morticia: Mama?
Grandmama: [lifting something from her cooking pot] Who put this in here?
Grandmama: [Pugsley and Fester laugh] That's for company.
Gomez: Little rascals.

Gomez: Look at her. I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.
Gomez: [Morticia wakes up] Unhappy, darling?
Morticia: Oh, yes. Yes completely.
[Gomez sits]
Morticia: Gomez... Sun. Il me perce comme un poignard.
Gomez: Oh, Tish. That's French.
Morticia: Oui.
Gomez: Cara mia.
[kisses Morticia's hand]
Gomez: En garde, Monsieur Soleil!
Morticia: Gomez...
Gomez: Querida?
Morticia: Last night, you were unhinged. You were like some desperate howling demon. You frightened me. Do it again.

Morticia: Have you spoken to her parents?
Susan Firkins, Wednesday's Teacher: Well, Wednesday brought in this picture: Calpurnia Addams.
Morticia: Wednesday's great-aunt Calpurnia. She was burned as a witch in 1706. They said she danced naked in the town square and enslaved the minister.
Susan Firkins, Wednesday's Teacher: Really?
Morticia: Oh, yes. But don't worry. We've told Wednesday college first.


"The Addams Family: Morticia's Romance: Part 2 (#2.3)" (1965)
Ophelia Frump: I do hope your vaporizer won't interfere with our honeymoon.
Gomez Addams: By George, it will! Shall we call it off?
Ophelia Frump: No.

Gomez Addams: [drawn to Morticia] They shouldn't leave us alone like this.
Morticia Frump Addams: It's torture, madness - and very bad judgement on their part.
Gomez Addams: How can't I marry Ophelia when I love you?
Morticia Frump Addams: What does Emily Post say?
Gomez Addams: Not a word.

Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, Gomez and I are madly in love.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, then, why don't you two get hitched?
Morticia Frump Addams: Ophelia's my sister. I couldn't betray her. Besides, it would break her heart.
Uncle Fester Frump: [understandingly] It's bad for the digestion.

Ophelia Frump: Uncle Fester! How sweet of you to come to my wedding.
Uncle Fester Frump: Biggest mistake since Uncle Tick married Aunt Phobia.
Ophelia Frump: But they were a perfect match.
Uncle Fester Frump: [scoffs] Heh! He had two left feet and she had two right ones. It was a mere PHYSICAL attraction.

Ophelia Frump: Ney! I do not like poison sumac. It will not grow in my head.
Cousin Itt: Tsfaw feh sfihvi hie.
Ophelia Frump: Yes. Perhaps, I SHOULD have my head examined.

Ophelia Frump: Weeds are my favorite flowers.

[Itt and Ophelia are drying out after falling into quicksand]
Granny Hester Frump: Couldn't you see where you were going?
Ophelia Frump: Of course! I fell in, didn't I?

Morticia Frump Addams: Is Cousin Fungus coming to the wedding?
Gomez Addams: Oh, no. He's doesn't get out much. He's lived in a cave in back of the tunnel for thirty years.
Morticia Frump Addams: What exquisite taste.

Morticia Frump Addams: You must think of Ophelia.
Gomez Addams: I did. That's why I'm here in the tunnel.

Morticia Frump Addams: Now, come along. Poor Ophelia's crying her eyes out.
Gomez Addams: That might be an improvement.

[Uncle Fester searches for Gomez with shotgun in hand]
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, I thought you were our friend.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, I am, but we can't have a jilted Frump. It'd be a stain on our family escutcheon - and our family escutcheon is messy enough.

[Morticia suggests Gomez practice turning down Ophelia]
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, you be Ophelia. You're kind, sensitive, quiet and understanding.
Uncle Fester Frump: She certainly has changed.
Morticia Frump Addams: And you're the new Gomez. You're decisive, direct and definite.
Gomez Addams: I'm afraid!
Uncle Fester Frump: That's pretty definite.
Gomez Addams: Thank you.

Gomez Addams: [rehearsing with Fester] Ophelia, I won't marry you.
Uncle Fester Frump: [as Ophelia] WHAT!
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester!
Uncle Fester Frump: [grabbing his gun] I'll shoot 'im in the back!

[Another attempt is made to rehearse Gomez turning down Ophelia, this time with Morticia as Ophelia and Uncle Fester as Granny Frump]
Gomez Addams: Ophelia, I'd...
Uncle Fester Frump: All right, son. Speak up! Speak up!
Gomez Addams: Mrs. Frump, I'm afraid I can't marry your daughter.
Uncle Fester Frump: WHAT! I'll shoot 'im...!
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester...
Morticia Frump Addams: [correcting herself] Mother, please!

[Ophelia is not bothered by not marrying Gomez]
Ophelia Frump: Besides, I think I've already found my true love, my d'Artagnan, my Don Quixote, my knight in shining armor.
Uncle Fester Frump: Sounds like me - but I'm her uncle.

Gomez Addams: Querida, will you marry me?
Morticia Frump Addams: I thought you'd never ask.
Gomez Addams: [kisses her hair] Oh, your hair... That dress - drives me wild!
Morticia Frump Addams: I'll never wear another.

Minister: Do you really want to marry this man?
Morticia Frump Addams: I certainly do.
Uncle Fester Frump: But you've only known him a few days.
Morticia Frump Addams: What better way to get acquainted?


"The Addams Family: Double O Honeymoon (#2.5)" (1993)
Morticia Addams: Darling, I hope our upcoming honeymoon will be as exciting as one of Cousin Itt's adventures.
Gomez Addams: So do I, Tish. I mean, I still enjoy a good coup, aha, or hanging ten on a tidal wave, but it's not just as exciting as being attacked by a guy with metal hair! Oh, how I envy you, Itt!
[slaps Itt on the back]
Gomez Addams: [mock sword-fighting] Flying across the globe, facing danger while your very life hangs in the balance!
Morticia Addams: And the satisfaction at having your hair clog some of the world's most famous drains.
[Itt jabbers]
Morticia Addams: That's right. You DID set a family record for the most exotic diseases caught in one month.
Gomez Addams: And you're the first Addams since Uncle Elms to catch rootrock! Whatever happened to our old Uncle, anyway?
Morticia Addams: I believe you're leaning on him, dear.
Gomez Addams: I am? I thought that knothole looked familiar...

Morticia Addams: Where are you off to this time?
[Itt jabbers]
Gomez Addams: A vacation? Why? You've got the perfect job! Glamorous spies, dangerous missions... not to mention that band of roving lumberjacks that moved into your fur last month!
Uncle Fester: TIMBER!
[falls out of Itt's fur, tied to a log]
Uncle Fester: How dare they call themselves lumberjacks... they couldn't even cut a log without a line!
Morticia Addams: What line, Uncle Fester?
Uncle Fester: This one, right here!
[strips himself bare to reveal a line marked on his torso]

Uncle Fester: See you at the sawmill tonight! Whee!
[gets carried away by Lurch]
Morticia Addams: Dear, dear Fester! He's doing his best to follow in Uncle Elm's proud footsteps!

Gomez Addams: [being strangled by an anaconda] Cheer up, old bean! Maybe you can find someone else to jet off and... and... EUREKA! That's it!
[throws off the anaconda]
Morticia Addams: It must be good news if you interrupted Greedo while he was squeezing the life from you.
Gomez Addams: It is, Tish! Cousin Itt can stay home and relax, while WE capture Thundermane for our honeymoon!

Morticia Addams: Lurch, would you be a dear and fetch our luggage?
[holds up a graveyard shovel]

Morticia Addams: Darling, you don't think that driver was upset because Snappy wanted to steer, do you?
Gomez Addams: Upset? Why he slammed on the brakes and threw us out of his cab!... We'll have to call his boss in the morning and thank him!

Morticia Addams: Aren't these spy types thoughtful? They took time out from their mauling just to tell me goodbye.
[a henchman starts kissing up Morticia]
Gomez Addams: WHAT? BEAT IT!

[Thundermane makes a pass at Morticia]
Gomez Addams: [enraged] She's my wife! She's my wife! MINE! Understand? I want you to leave her ALONE!
Morticia Addams: [excited] Gomez, those are savage animal noises! Make some more! Snarl! Grrrr! Howl! Owoooo! Anything, honey, please!
Gomez Addams: Calm yourself, Titch. I'm just getting warmed up!

Morticia Addams: My hero!
[kisses Gomez]
Gomez Addams: Cara mia!

Morticia Addams: Darling, you were acting like some jealous, wild animal! I love it!
Gomez Addams: Thanks, Tish... I don't know what came over me...
Morticia Addams: Remember, dear, I don't always like it when other women look at you, but I just remind myself where your true love lies.
Gomez Addams: Cara mia!
[embraces his wife]
Morticia Addams: Oh, Gomez, you're the only man for me.

[last lines]
Gomez Addams: Cara mia, I would be honoured if you'd join me for the Hot Patootie Cha-Cha-Cha!
Morticia Addams: Oh, Gomez, our favourite dance!
Gomez Addams: Lurch, the music!
[the family cheers]
Uncle Fester: Do your thing Gomez!
Gomez Addams: Querida! Cara, cara mia!

Morticia Addams: Darling, you almost sat on that bear trap.
Gomez Addams: I did? How many times have I told Pugsley to make sure he put his toys away?

[Itt jabbers]
Gomez Addams: So, we're off to Spain, eh?
Morticia Addams: On our first espionage mission!
Gomez Addams: [excited] TISH! That's SPY TALK!
Morticia Addams: Now, now, dear, spy talk now, interrogation later!

[a fatigued Itt releases several items from his usually taut hair]
Morticia Addams: So that's why you're exhausted, you've been on seven non-stop spy missions!
Gomez Addams: So? What's the problem?
Morticia Addams: Darling, Cousin Itt needs a vacation, a chance to stop and smell the cesspool!
Gomez Addams: Well, I suppose you would start to miss your old dungeon after a while...

[Cousin Itt has a fit]
Morticia Addams: Oh, darling. Cousin Itt's upset because Thundermane's escaped from jail. He'll have to cancel his vacation and leave immediately! And he was so disappointed...
Gomez Addams: [being crushed by an anaconda] I'd better speak to him before his bangs start to droop!

Gomez Addams: I just don't get it, Tish! Dangerous booby-traps, life-threatening situations... and we didn't even get a scratch!
Morticia Addams: There, there, dear. At least Snappy has got to see the world.
Gomez Addams: I know. But this was our honeymoon, and I wanted... WHAT?
[Henchmen are kissing up Morticia]
Gomez Addams: Come on, Tish! This particular spy mission is over!


"The Addams Family: Morticia Meets Royalty (#2.4)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: What ARE you composing, Gomez?
Gomez Addams: [at the harpsichord] A sonata for three hands.
Morticia Frump Addams: Three hands?
Gomez Addams: It'll give Lurch a chance to play duets with Thing.

Morticia Frump Addams: Princess Millicent is, in reality, Gomez's Aunt Millie from Marshy Bottom, Iowa.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh. Then the coat of arms and the title is a fake, huh?
Gomez Addams: No, Aunt Millie picked that up years ago when she married a Prince von Schlepp.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, sounds glamorous.
Morticia Frump Addams: Not really. Von Schlepp was a prince but he was also a pauper.
Uncle Fester Frump: Ah, the poor man.
Morticia Frump Addams: That's usually what a pauper is.

Princess Millicent von Schlepp: [surveying the Addams living room ] It's NOT what I'm accustomed to, but I suppose it's better than a hotel.
Morticia Frump Addams: You'll love your chamber. It has a beautiful view. On a clear day you can see all the way to the swamp.
Gomez Addams: But, of course, who wants a clear day?

Morticia Frump Addams: [of Lady Fingers] She seems very lovely.
Princess Millicent von Schlepp: She comes from a fine family. Her father used to be my footman.

[Lurch and Fester ascend the stairs overburdened with Aunt Millie's luggage]
Gomez Addams: [to Morticia] I thought she said she was traveling light.
Morticia Frump Addams: She is. Lurch and Uncle Fester are traveling heavy.

[Thing and Lady Fingers are about to get acquainted when Millicent summons Lady Fingers away]
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, he missed his chance.
Gomez Addams: Don't worry. He'll have others. He's handy that way.

Morticia Frump Addams: How did you find your chamber?
Princess Millicent von Schlepp: The bed is as hard as nails.
Gomez Addams: KNEW you'd like it!
Princess Millicent von Schlepp: And where on earth did you get those black drapes.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, I really had to shop for them.
Princess Millicent von Schlepp: Ghastly.
[Millie exists]
Gomez Addams: When she brought Lady Fingers, I thought she was a true Addams. Obviously there's something wrong with her.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, the poor dear has suffered so, what with her husband dying.
Gomez Addams: Worse than that, he went broke.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, control yourself. Royalty now, bubele later.

Grandmama Addams: That woman is drivin' me batty. The only thing she'll let me serve is Chicken ala King.
Gomez Addams: Well, that's the royalty business. Besides, Chicken ala King's rather tasty.
Grandmama Addams: Without the feathers?
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh... Some people have the dullest tastes.

[Lurch's bowing keeps ripping his pants]
Gomez Addams: Well, Lurch, maybe the princess will let your wear a suit of armor instead.
Morticia Frump Addams: Those things wear like iron.

[Millicent has left]
Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, wonderful! The Addams family is a democracy again.
Gomez Addams: Exactly! From now on, I give the orders around here.
Morticia Frump Addams: [warningly] Gomez!
Gomez Addams: [still as chipper] BUT nobody has to obey them.
Uncle Fester Frump: [now that his career as a court jester is done] I'm sure glad I don't have to be funny, anymore.
Morticia Frump Addams: We all are, dear.

Morticia Frump Addams: Lurch, come and bow for Princess Millicent.
Gomez Addams: [aside to Morticia] Is he gonna be able make it?
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, yes. Mama let out the seat of his trousers with a couple of accordion pleats.
Gomez Addams: Accordion pleats?
[Lurch bows and his movement is matched by accordion scales]
Gomez Addams: Musical pants!
Morticia Frump Addams: You see how glad we are to have you back, Your Highness?
Princess Millicent von Schlepp: [stiffly] Naturally! Now that I'm rich again, you're ALL playing a different tune.
Gomez Addams: Especially Lurch.

[Lady Finger's box returns but the gnarled old claw inside it is definitely not Lady Fingers]
Gomez Addams: She certainly has aged.
Morticia Frump Addams: No, that couldn't be Lady Fingers.
Gomez Addams: Maybe that's what she looks like without make-up.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling, you're wallet.
Gomez Addams: My wallet? It's gone! It's a good thing I carry my money in my sock.

Princess Millicent von Schlepp: [discovering her new hand maiden to be a pickpocket] Esmeralda - a thief!
Morticia Frump Addams: And an old hand at it, too.

Gomez Addams: That music's pretty exciting, too.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, I didn't play that.
Gomez Addams: That was Lurch, wasn't it?
Morticia Frump Addams: He's really learned how to play those pants.


"The Addams Family: My Fair Cousin Itt (#2.1)" (1965)
[as if he's a circus performer, Gomez balances a chair, an 18" rubber ball, a dinner plate and a vase with flowers midair on his chin]
Uncle Fester Frump: I wish that doctor could see him now.
Morticia Frump Addams: Doctor?
Uncle Fester Frump: You know, the one that said our family was unbalanced. Gomez has got PLENTY of balance.

Uncle Fester Frump: [seeing Itt rehearse the part of Claude] Are you sure this part doesn't call for a taller man, someone like me?
Morticia Frump Addams: No, Cousin Itt is perfection, but, Uncle Fester, you could be the understudy.
Uncle Fester Frump: You mean if, uh, something happens to him, like if he gets clobbered, uh, I could play Claude?
Morticia Frump Addams: Of course.
Uncle Fester Frump: [grinning] Uh-huh...
Uncle Fester Frump: [fetching a mace] Itt, let's go down to the playroom. We can rehearse together.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, I'm so happy. I think Cousin Itt has finally found himself.
Gomez Addams: That isn't easy under all that hair.

Erich von Bissell: [upon hearing Cousin Itt speak] Oh, that's impossble! I will not work with such insanity!
Morticia Frump Addams: Please! Cousin Itt is very sensitive. Where'd he go?
Gomez Addams: Where any sensitive artist would go when his feelings are wounded - up the chimney.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, Mr. Von Bissel may have a point. I do think Itt's voice is a bit too fast for the average listener.
Gomez Addams: We never noticed that.
Morticia Frump Addams: Yes, I noticed it in that last scene we did. Perhaps we'd best take him down to the playroom and work on his voice, bring out that fine timber.
Gomez Addams: Great idea, but we'll have to watch out for splinters.

Morticia Frump Addams: [about Itt] His voice is much too high. I wish we could lower it.
Gomez Addams: Maybe we should drop him down a well.

[a line that's frequently repeated]
Morticia Frump Addams: The witch's ditch is mainly full of pitch.

Morticia Frump Addams: Hello, Wednesday, darling. Welcome home. Did you enjoy school?
Wednesday Addams: Pugsley flunked spelling again.
Uncle Fester Frump: A real Addams!

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, it's all my fault, Gomez. When I changed his voice I changed his whole personality.
Gomez Addams: Oh, it's not your fault. It's just, uh... It's just, well... Come to think of it, it IS your fault.

Sam Derrick: [upon meeting Cousin Itt] Amazing! Incredible! We leave for Hollywood tonight.
Gomez Addams: Hollywood?
Morticia Frump Addams: But I thought Broadway was in New York.
Sam Derrick: Madam, I am on my way out to Hollywood to do a picture - The Hairy Beast from the Mars Canals - and he'll be perfect in the title roll!

Gomez Addams: [having written another play] You should hear the big scene: This character, Charlie, can't pay back the twenty dollars he owes; this other fellow, Pete, demands a pound of flesh.
Morticia Frump Addams: Twenty dollars for a pound of flesh?
Uncle Fester Frump: Sounds fine to me.
Morticia Frump Addams: It does?
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah. You should go in a butcher shop and SEE the prices they're getting.


"The Addams Family: Lurch and His Harpsichord (#1.25)" (1965)
Mr. Oscar Belmont: This harpsichord, for example - most unusual.
Morticia Frump Addams: It's a genuine 1503 Krumpnik. It was in Cousin Krimp's family for over 400 years.
Gomez Addams: Cousin Krimp used to love playing it. Played 4-handed pieces on it - all by himself.

[Mr. Belmont kisses harpsichord before leaving]
Morticia Frump Addams: He IS a music lover, isn't he?
Gomez Addams: He reminds me of Aunt Trivia.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, was Aunt Trivia a music lover?
Gomez Addams: No, she just liked to go around kissing harpsichords.

Morticia Frump Addams: So you see, Lurch, in as much as you love the harpsichord so, the real public benefactors wouldn't be US, it would be YOU.
Gomez Addams: We even instruct the museum, Lurch, to name YOU as donor.
Morticia Frump Addams: What do you say to that?
Lurch: I quit.
Gomez Addams: No, Lurch... Lurch, y-you can't quit. Y-you're like one of the family.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, think of all those glorious, happy years we've spent together. Think of the children. Think of Mama and Uncle Fester.
[Lurch thinks for a moment]
Lurch: I quit.

Morticia Frump Addams: [near tears as Lurch exits dejectedly] Oh, Gomez, I think we've wounded him beyond repair.
Gomez Addams: Cadamia, it's your imagination.
Lurch: [from another part of the house] Ohhhhhhhhhhh.
Gomez Addams: What's that?
Morticia Frump Addams: My imagination.

Uncle Fester Frump: [watching Lurch play an imaginary harpsichord] He's flipped.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, I do NOT like profanity, but I'm afraid you're right. We've left Lurch in the lurch.

Morticia Frump Addams: I do hope Lurch doesn't find out what you're doing down here. You will work quietly, won't you?
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, don't worry, Morticia. I sound-proofed the saw. See? No teeth!

Gomez Addams: After all, how long does it take to build a harpsichord?
Morticia Frump Addams: Two days?
Gomez Addams: Oh, we better be on the safe side - make it three.

Morticia Frump Addams: I think we ought to leave Lurch alone with his harpsichord for the rest of the day.
Gomez Addams: Excellent idea, Cadamia. We'll spend the afternoon at Lover's Leap.
Uncle Fester Frump: What'll I do there?
Gomez Addams: We'll make love, and you'll leap.

[Espying Lurch heading toward the door with his packed carpet bag]
Gomez Addams: Lurch, where are you going?
Uncle Fester Frump: What's that in your hand?
Morticia Frump Addams: Where are you going?
Gomez Addams: Answer the third question first.
Morticia Frump Addams: What? Uh, yes, where are you going?
Lurch: Home, to Mama.
Morticia Frump Addams: Nonsense!
Uncle Fester Frump: Easy, Lurch. You'll lose your pension rights.
Lurch: Nobody cares about me.
Gomez Addams: Of course we care about you, Lurch.
Morticia Frump Addams: We all love you, Lurch.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, now, let's not get sick'ning. I LIKE ya, Lurch, but I don't LOVE ya.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling, it's wonderful the way you just leap in and take charge, lead the way.
Gomez Addams: That's what they said about old Commodore Addams.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh? When he lead his men into battle?
Gomez Addams: Off his sinking ship.

Morticia Frump Addams: And what about Mr. Belmont?
Gomez Addams: Oh, his trial comes up in three weeks.
Morticia Frump Addams: He'll get ten years.
Gomez Addams: Why, Cadida? I'm defending him.
Morticia Frump Addams: I'm glad.
Gomez Addams: You're glad?
Morticia Frump Addams: Yes. He ought to get life, and with you defending him, he will.


"The Addams Family: My Son, the Chimp (#1.28)" (1965)
[Gomez, doing a bit of indoor fishing, appraises his latest catch]
Gomez Addams: Strangest fish I ever saw!
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, it's Mama's dress shoe!
Gomez Addams: Ah, so it is... Ah, still, it's the biggest thing I ever caught. Two pounds if it's an ounce. An indoor record!

Morticia Frump Addams: [told the chimpanzee is her son] No, I absolutely refuse to believe that THAT... Gomez? Look. He has that same lovely low brow as... you-know-who.
Gomez Addams: Yeah, and that same fine prehistoric jawline.
Chimpanzee: Oo, oo, oo, oo.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, it IS Pugsley. I know that voice anywhere.

Morticia Frump Addams: Mama, guess what?
Grandmama Addams: Oh, no time for riddles. I'm cookin' gopher goulash for dinner and, I'll tell you, it's more trouble than it's worth. I can't find half the things I need.

Morticia Frump Addams: Now, please don't dawdle in changing Pugsley back. He has homework to do, too.

[Fester prepares a seance to restore Pugsley]
Uncle Fester Frump: Now, you may as well know, I have been in touch with the spirits.
Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, well, a little drink now and then never hurt anyone.
Uncle Fester Frump: The spirits of the astral plane I'm talking about.
Gomez Addams: Oh, one of those champaign flights, ay, Fester?
Uncle Fester Frump: [vexed] Very funny.

Uncle Fester Frump: [in a ghostly voice] Oh, spirits of the astral plane, give us a sign. Is Pugsley there? Rap once for yes and twice for no.
Morticia Frump Addams: And ask him if he's all right.
[From inside the secret room, Pugsley hears them]
Uncle Fester Frump: You're mother wants to know if you're all right. Rap three times for yes and four times for no. No, you better make that twice for yes and three times for no.
[Pugsley counts his fingers in trying to figure how to respond, then just gives a loud whistle]

[Thing engages the others in a game of charades to try telling them where he's found Pugsley]
Morticia Frump Addams: I think he's trying to tell us something.
Gomez Addams: What is it, Thing? Something we should know?
Grandmama Addams: Is it smaller than a coffin?
Morticia Frump Addams: Larger than a tsetse fly?
Gomez Addams: Is it the title of a song?
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, this is fun. I mean, it WOULD be if Pugsley were here. Is it someone we know?
Uncle Fester Frump: How many syllables?
Gomez Addams: Two syllables. Ah, ha... Whom do we know with two syllables? First syllable. Sounds like.
[Thing slugs the air]
Morticia Frump Addams: Fight?
Grandmama Addams: Fighting.
Gomez Addams: Fight-ER!
Morticia Frump Addams: Pugilist.
Gomez Addams: Pug! Pug... Pug... Ahhh... It just doesn't seem to ring a bell.

[Now Uncle Fester has disappeared. Morticia goes to the crystal ball to communicate]
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, we can hear you but faintly? Can you hear us? Scream once for yes and twice for no. Better make that one scream and two raps for no and two screams and one whistle for yes.
Uncle Fester Frump: [to himself] Ah, forget it.

Gomez Addams: By George, I WAS right. My Great-Aunt Deleria WAS engaged to a chimpanzee. Here they are.
Morticia Frump Addams: [looking at Gomez's family album] Lovely couple!
Gomez Addams: Too bad he jilted her.

Gomez Addams: Uncle Fester hasn't stopped eating since he clawed his way out of that secret room.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, three days without food DOES tend to sharpen one's appetite.


"The Addams Family: The Day Gomez Failed (#1.3)" (1992)
Wednesday Addams: Mother, Father, there be many men with bulldozers outside!
Morticia Addams: Oh how nice, visitors!
Pugsley Addams: Uh-uh, they're not visitors, Mom! They're from the City!
Wednesday Addams: Father, the foreman told us that the land you sold them was our house. They're going to demolish it!

Morticia Addams: Darling, this must be really bothering you. The last time you shook Uncle Fester like that you were trying to get the termites out of his sinuses.
Gomez Addams: Tish, I just feel like there's nothing left for me to do! I've done EVERYTHING! I need a challenge!
Morticia Addams: Well, dear, I understand Uncle Fester needs his back shaved...
Uncle Fester: [appearing with a broken barbershop pole and a lawnmower] Oh, come on, Gomez, I'm getting kind of itchy!
Gomez Addams: I'm sorry, old boy, it'll have to wait. I need a NEW challenge!
Uncle Fester: Oh, darn... hey, Lurch! You got a sec?

Morticia Addams: Of all the challenges you've tried, darling, how many have you succeeded in?
Gomez Addams: All of them!
Morticia Addams: Hmmm... maybe that's your answer...
Gomez Addams: What? What?
Morticia Addams: The one thing you've never done is fail!
Gomez Addams: Eureka! Cara mia, you're a genius! Failure, that's my new challenge! Next time you look at me, Tish, you'll be looking at a failure!

Morticia Addams: Remember darling, you don't know anything about failing!
Gomez Addams: You're right, Tish! What I need is a role model: a loser, a dud, a washout, a flop! A worthless wretch of a human being!
Uncle Fester: Oh, Gomez, you're making me all misty-eyed! That man is ME!
Gomez Addams: Would you...?
Uncle Fester: It would be an honour, oh brother of mine!

Morticia Addams: I've finished welding your helmet, and notified the press about your stunt.
Gomez Addams: But this helmet is about two sizes too small for me. It'll squeeze my head like a vise!
Morticia Addams: Just the way you like it!
Gomez Addams: Picture this, Tish: I'll be shot from a cannon, soar across the city and ricochet wildly off the buildings in downtown Happdale Heights, before flying home and landing in a cup of tea in the foyer. Thanks, Thing...
[takes the teacup from Thing]
Morticia Addams: But darling, that's the same thing you do every Thursday.
Gomez Addams: [suiting up] Ah, yes! This time, I'll be knitting a sweater!
[gets in the cannon]
Gomez Addams: And everyone knows I can't knit.
Morticia Addams: A brilliant idea, bubbele.
Gomez Addams: [excited] TISH! That's French!
Morticia Addams: No, darling, it's not.
Gomez Addams: Well, it's close enough for me!

[Gomez crash-lands home]
Morticia Addams: Are you all right, darling?
Gomez Addams: [depressed] Want a sweater?
[holds it out]
Uncle Fester: I'll take it! I think I've got some of that chocolate left!

Uncle Fester: I just don't get it, Gomez. I mean, how could one man make this much money in just six hours?
Morticia Addams: Oh, darling. Maybe you're cursed!
Gomez Addams: Oh, Tish, don't try to cheer me up! It's hopeless!, I'm nothing more than a pathetic success of an Addams!

Mr. Normanmeyer: Addams, I understand that you've been trying to fail...
Gomez Addams: Tish! It's all over town! What will the children do when the other kids tease them about their father who just can't fail?
Morticia Addams: There, there, dear, I'm sure they won't love their father any less. Will you, Pugsley?
Pugsley Addams: [brandishing a spiked flail] 'Course not, Mom! Oh, Wednesday... Olly olly oxen free! Come on, girl! Big brother's got a present for you...
Mr. Normanmeyer: Well, as a concerned underwear-coveting member of the community, I'm here to help. It's the neighborly thing to do. And I've got your ticket to failure, Addams!
Gomez Addams: [overjoyed] What a neighbor! Normanmeyer, old man, what is it? What is it?
Mr. Normanmeyer: [bringing out a map] The City needs a small piece of land to finish building its new freeway.
Gomez Addams: Please, say that it's one of MY pieces of land!
Mr. Normanmeyer: Bingo! And you can sell it to us really cheap!
Gomez Addams: At a major loss?
Mr. Normanmeyer: Generally speaking. You'll be a laughingstock of the neighborhood!
Gomez Addams: Did you hear that, Tish? I'll be a laughingstock! Scorned by the very community in which I live!
Morticia Addams: Mother and Father Addams would be so proud of you!
Gomez Addams: Hurry, Normanmeyer, let's make this official!

Morticia Addams: Why, what's wrong, darling?
Gomez Addams: [sobbing] I'm the luckiest man on earth... I've got a family that supported me even BEFORE I became a failure!
[Thing gives Gomez a handkerchief]
Gomez Addams: Thanks, Thing...
Morticia Addams: There, there, dear. That's what families are for.

Morticia Addams: You know, darling, I've been thinking... maybe you HAVE failed.
Gomez Addams: Querida... Stop trying to cheer me up!
Morticia Addams: No, dear. Think about it, didn't you fail at failing?
Gomez Addams: Yes, but that's not... Eureka! You're right, Tish! I've failed at FAILING! Yes!
[runs around the house in euphoria]
Gomez Addams: Fester, do you realize what that makes me?
Uncle Fester: [who was trying to chop a rodent] Ah, a gardener?
Gomez Addams: No, brother! A bona fide, dyed-in-the-wool Addams failure!


"The Addams Family: Progress and the Addams Family (#1.30)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: That ex-insurance man of ours...
Gomez Addams: Commissioner Henson?
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah. Well, he's ruining our city. He's puttin' fresh paint on all the public buildings.
Morticia Frump Addams: Whatever for?
Uncle Fester Frump: To hide the soot.
Morticia Frump Addams: Cover up... But the soot's the only thing that's giving those buildings character.

[a letter arrives]
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, it's from the city hall. I wonder what they're doing writing to us.
Gomez Addams: Well, this is the time they select the Man of the Year. I suppose I'll have to resign myself to another giddy round of speech-making and chicken ala king.

Morticia Frump Addams: It seems the new freeway is coming right through our living room. Won't that crowd us a bit?

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, did you hear an explosion a moment ago?
Gomez Addams: Oh, that. Probably Uncle Fester down in the basement testing for gas leaks with a lighted match.

Gomez Addams: [finishing his letter] P.s. I always knew you were a corrupt, hypocritical old windbag.
Morticia Frump Addams: I do hope he doesn't take that last part personally.
Gomez Addams: How could he?
Lurch: [announcing from the vestibule] His honor, the Commissioner.
Morticia Frump Addams: I'm sure he's come to offer his apologies.
Gomez Addams: I guess the hypocritical old windbag isn't such a bad fellow after all.

Gomez Addams: Well, you can't win 'em all. They're blasting tomorrow whether we're in the house or not.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, dear. And we're such late sleepers.

[Fester suggests they move their house]
Gomez Addams: I know just the spot. That lot Hornsby has up for sale.
Morticia Frump Addams: That's right next door to the Commissioner's house.
Gomez Addams: My dear, at a time like this we can't afford to be choosy.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, it's... it's not that, but... That lot doesn't have any caves, and then no quicksand, no swamp...
Gomez Addams: Fester... What's a swamp? A bunch of mud, slime and stench. We'll build our own!

Morticia Frump Addams: Tea?
[the Henson's politely but unsteadily nod to the affirmative]
Morticia Frump Addams: Salt, pepper or cyanide?
Mayor Arthur J. Henson: Neither.

Mayor Arthur J. Henson: Uh, well, Addams, I-I must say you're taking this eviction like a good sport.
Gomez Addams: Well, nobody can say that an Addams stood in the way of progress, although I must admit Uncle Fester is a bit upset.
Morticia Frump Addams: Yes, you see, there are no caves or swamps on our new property.
Gomez Addams: But we do have plans for building our own - that is, if our neighbors don't object.
Mayor Arthur J. Henson: Well, any man who would object to having a swamp right next to his home is a petty individual, indeed.
Gomez Addams: Glad to hear you say that, Commissioner. We love animals and we're planning a mud wallow for our hippopotamus.
Phoebe Henson: Arthur and I just adore animals, too.
Gomez Addams: [warmly and vigorously shakes Henson's hand] Neighbor!
Mayor Arthur J. Henson: No, no... d'I... I mean, you're not gonna move in next to... to... t...
Phoebe Henson: To us?
Gomez Addams: Right smack!
[the Henson's, with apparently nothing to lose, hurriedly guzzle down their cups of silverware-dissolving wolfsbane tea]

[the Addams family prepares to ride along with the mansion on its move to a new location]
Morticia Frump Addams: Where are the children, dear?
Gomez Addams: Oh, they're fine. They're riding on the roof.
Morticia Frump Addams: I do hope they don't get car sick. Is Lurch with them?
Gomez Addams: Oh, no. He likes to ride with his head out the window and growl at the passing cars.


"The Addams Family: Morticia's Dilemma (#2.14)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: But I'm already married to Morticia!
Don Xavier: You are already married to your sister?
Gomez Addams: Sister?
Don Xavier: Si!
Morticia Frump Addams: Who?
Don Xavier: He!
Gomez Addams: Me?
Morticia Frump Addams: I am not his sister! We're husband and wife!
Don Xavier: Husband and wife? You make insult!
Morticia Frump Addams: Who?
Don Xavier: He!
Gomez Addams: Me?
Don Xavier: Si!
Grandmama Addams: Gee!

Morticia Frump Addams: [with whip in hand] Oh, darling, are you sure I'm ready for this?
Gomez Addams: [sitting in profile, waiting] Querida, I've taught you all my mastery of the bullwhip. Surely flicking the ash off a cigar should be child's play.

Grandmama Addams: Weddings are such fun.
Morticia Frump Addams: Yes, especially when everyone cries.

Consuella: When Gomez and I get married, you and I will be REAL sisters.
Grandmama Addams: [to Morticia] What's she mean by that?
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, I'm sure she means... In Spain, Gomez is a very common name. She probably means she's going to marry someone by that name.
Consuella: No, me marry Gomez, you brother.
Morticia Frump Addams: My brother.
Consuella: Si.
Morticia Frump Addams: Who?
Consuella: He.
Morticia Frump Addams: My Gomez?
Consuella: MY Gomez.

[Grandmama and Morticia overhear Gomez talking about having girls all over Spain but miss the early part about them being no more than office employees]
Gomez Addams: And then there's my girl in Barcelona, and of course my girl in Toledo, and then I have two girls in Soria, and then there's good old Sadie in Lisbon.
Grandmama Addams: Do you hear what I hear?
Morticia Frump Addams: Shhh. I'm counting.
Don Xavier: But with so many girls, can you not get rid of a few?
Gomez Addams: I'd be lost without them.
Grandmama Addams: [looking to Morticia] The wife is always the last to know.

Morticia Frump Addams: [thinking Gomez is a Lothario] That... Bluebeard!
Grandmama Addams: He should be boiled in oil.
Morticia Frump Addams: No, he enjoys that too much.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, do you know what the penalty is for bigamy?
Gomez Addams: Of course - two wives.

Senior Cardona: She play, I stay. She no play, I no stay.
Morticia Frump Addams: She play. You stay.
Gomez Addams: Okay?
Senior Cardona: Olé!

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, isn't that sweet. They're in love.
Don Xavier: Who?
Morticia Frump Addams: He.
Don Xavier: And she?
Consuella: [beaming] Si.

[Gomez and Morticia happily pay for Consuella's dowery]
Don Xavier: Senior Addams, you are true Bluebeard.
Morticia Frump Addams: Blue-"blood."
Don Xavier: Who?
Morticia Frump Addams: He.
Gomez Addams: Me?
Don Xavier: Oh, si!


"The Addams Family: Morticia's Romance: Part 1 (#2.2)" (1965)
[It's later in the day on the first day that Gomez and Morticia have met]
Gomez: Has anyone ever told you you have the softest brown eyes?
Morticia: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Gomez: No wonder no one ever told you.

Morticia: [upon receiving her anniversary gift from Gomez] Oh, darling, it's beautiful, and my favorite color, too - black.

Morticia: [recalling the day she first met Gomez] I'll never forget that day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing...
Gomez: I knew we were in for trouble.

Grandmama Addams: Gomez, why don't you and Ophelia take a walk in the garden?
Gomez: Oh, it's too chilly out there.
Granny Hester Frump: Ophelia'll warm you up.
Gomez: I better get my coat on.
Ophelia Frump: A coat? In July? Well, it IS more becoming.
Gomez: I just want to keep my bronchial tubes warm.
Grandmama Addams: Yeah, you won't want a son-in-law with cold bronchial tubes, would ya?

Morticia: Come on now, Cleopatra. Have some nice zebra burger.

Gomez: Would you, uh, like to join us in the garden?
Morticia: Could we dig some graves for my dolls?
Gomez: I'd like to but, uh, afraid it would be too strenuous for me.

Gomez: My favorite person in history is Ivan the Terrible.
Morticia: Oh, he WAS sweet.

Ophelia Frump: Fair Gomez, is there anything you'd like to do?
Gomez: Yes. Go into a coma.
Ophelia Frump: [amused] Ohh... Oh, he does have a delicious sense of humor. And he shall be rewarded.
Gomez: You're going to leave?
Ophelia Frump: Nonsense. I'm going to amuse thee, sire.
[Ophelia thereby saws a violin in half with great vigor]

Morticia: Sweet old Uncle Fester. He used to write an advice-to-the-lovelorn column. He'd still be doing it, too, if everybody hadn't started suing him.

Morticia: Uncle Fester, I'm madly in love with Gomez Addams but he's engaged to marry my sister, Ophelia. What should I do?
Uncle Fester Frump: Forget him. Anybody that'd marry your sister Ophelia must be a nut!


"The Addams Family: Portrait of Gomez (#2.13)" (1965)
[the family enjoys some front yard moonbathing]
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling, do be careful. You know how prone you are to moonburn.
Gomez Addams: Never fear, Querida. My skin is so white it won't peel anymore.

Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, how 'bout you? Would you like another little dab of lanolin?
Uncle Fester Frump: Ah, no, thanks. I like it but it gives me heartburn.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, the last time we moonbathed you ate the goose grease, this time the lanolin.
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, what'd you expect me to do with it, smear it all over my face?

Morticia Frump Addams: You were such a distinguished little baby, with such a distinguished little mustache.
Gomez Addams: Yes. Saved Mama the trouble of straining the baby food.

Morticia Frump Addams: This is the bitterest blow since the city made us fill in our lovely patch of quicksand.

[the search for Gomez's favorite photographer ends]
Morticia Frump Addams: He now works for the Department of Motor Vehicles. He takes the pictures they use on the driver's licenses.
Gomez Addams: What a proud thing it is to live in a state with such high aesthetic requirements.

[Gomez has never been able to drive]
Gomez Addams: True, but there's very little I don't know about the modern horseless carriage.
Uncle Fester Frump: Except how to shift gears.
Morticia Frump Addams: And steer.
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah, and, uh, put on the breaks.
Gomez Addams: Well, those things DO give me a little trouble.
Uncle Fester Frump: A LITTLE trouble! Remember the Blue Falconberg we had?
Gomez Addams: Heh-heh, Big Blue! Ho-ho, nothing could stop that car. Scorching desert. Snow-covered mountains. She could go anywhere!
Morticia Frump Addams: Except between two streetcars.

[Morticia gives Gomez a driving lesson]
Morticia Frump Addams: Now, darling, listen: You're going through a school zone.
Gomez Addams: School zone.
Morticia Frump Addams: Your speedometer is registering seventy-five miles an hour.
Gomez Addams: Seventy-five per.
Morticia Frump Addams: What are you doing wrong?
Gomez Addams: Blocking traffic?
Morticia Frump Addams: Think, darling. THINK!
Gomez Addams: Of course! I'm not waving to the little nippers as I drive by. "Hi ya, kids! How are ya!"

Morticia Frump Addams: [reporting on Gomez] He's taking his written test.
Uncle Fester Frump: Good. Then he'll never get to the driver's test.

Gomez Addams: [to the Strife photographer] Strife Magazine has been one of our favorites.
Morticia Frump Addams: We simply devour it from cover to cover.
Uncle Fester Frump: Aw, it's delicious.


"The Addams Family: The Addams Family in Court (#1.21)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Dear Mama. I'm so glad we're home, really. If we leave her alone too long, she tends to brood.
Gomez Addams: I don't know why. She has her lizards and her comfy nail-bed, and if things get dull she can always throw darts at Uncle Fester.

Morticia Frump Addams: Permit me to introduce the bar's brightest light - Gomez "Loophole" Addams!
[the Addams family applauds as Gomez takes a bow]
Judge Harvey Saunders: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What goes on here?
Uncle Fester Frump: Just sit tight, Judge, and we'll show you how to run a trial.
Judge Harvey Saunders: I warn you I'll stand for no nonsense.
Gomez Addams: I object.
Judge Harvey Saunders: You object?
Gomez Addams: Just testing.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, I don't think he likes us. Maybe you'd better pay him the ten dollars.
Gomez Addams: For a trumped up charge?
Morticia Frump Addams: Offer him five.
Gomez Addams: Nonsense. We've got him on the run.

[Gomez has Mama called to the stand]
Judge Harvey Saunders: Swear her in.
Gomez Addams: I object.
Judge Harvey Saunders: You object to your own witness taking the oath?
Gomez Addams: I certainly do. Cramps her style.
Morticia Frump Addams: You avoided that trap very neatly, darling.

Morticia Frump Addams: Your Honor, PLEASE, that hammer! You run the noisiest court.

[Morticia has the Judge's leave to run the court]
Gomez Addams: [to Morticia] Perhaps you can penetrate the wall of bias and ignorance surrounding this travesty of justice.
Morticia Frump Addams: I can only try.

Morticia Frump Addams: You Honor, one look at the accused should convince you that she is as innocent as a newborn babe.
Judge Harvey Saunders: Madam, I've seen more innocent looks on Murder Incorporated.
Morticia Frump Addams: [appraises the ceiling] Must be this light.

Judge Harvey Saunders: In all my thirty years on the bench I have never seen a more preposterous, idiotic, reprehensible display of court conduct!
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, it did START that way, but you redeemed yourself.

[Morticia gazes into the crystal ball to see what's become of Judge Saunders since the trial]
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, there he is. I can see him now, and he's still a judge.
Gomez Addams: Supreme court?
Morticia Frump Addams: County fair.
Gomez Addams: He deserved the promotion.


"The Addams Family: Itt's Over (#1.10)" (1992)
Morticia Addams: [gasps] Uncle Fester, what's that on your head?
Uncle Fester: Oh, I was just standing under the powerlines waving at the vultures!
Morticia Addams: No, it looks like hair!
Uncle Fester: Hair? Hyah! You're kidding me, Morticia! I don't have any... any...
[looks in a mirror]
Uncle Fester: Hair? EWWW! Get it off! GET IT OFF!

Morticia Addams: I hope you're successful, Uncle Fester.
Uncle Fester: [tying his hair to the car] Don't worry, Morticia. Remember how well it worked when I grew that blue arm?
Gomez Addams: Besides, just think how much fun Lurch will have dragging Fester around the neighborhood, you lucky dog!

Gomez Addams: We haven't had a family tragedy like this since Uncle Goner caught the plague!
Morticia Addams: What was tragic about that, dear?
Gomez Addams: I didn't catch it!

Morticia Addams: Dear, the police are here to see Uncle Fester...
Gomez Addams: They probably want to use him as a crash-test dummy again! That should cheer him up!

Gomez Addams: Cara mia, I just realized Fester's about to become a convicted felon! Do you know what that means?
Morticia Addams: A proud Addams tradition lives on!

Morticia Addams: Oh, Gomez, there's something so romantic about a train ride!
Gomez Addams: Wind in your hair, the clickety-clack of the tracks... and being robbed and kidnapped by a bunch of cutthroats!

Wednesday Addams: Uncle Fester, your hair...!
Uncle Fester: Oh, no! Is it back?
Morticia Addams: No, dear, it's all gone!
Wednesday Addams: Oh... I guess I was so worried about Cousin Itt that my hair fell out!
Gomez Addams: That must be a load off your mind.
Uncle Fester: Yeah, and we can deep-fry it at the next family picnic!

Granny: [peering into her crystal ball] I see baldness!
Morticia Addams: Uncle Fester?
Granny: No, Pugsley!

Uncle Fester: Cousin Itt, I throw myself on the mercy of your split ends! Tell me how to get rid of this hair.
[Itt jabbers]
Morticia Addams: Oh, dear, it's classified government information!
Gomez Addams: Cara mia! Another bureaucratic cover-up!
Uncle Fester: You government agents are all alike: three-foot tall balls of unyielding fur! And after all those times I licked your driveway clean!


"The Addams Family: The Addams Family and the Spaceman (#1.27)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling, what would we do if a Martian did land right here?
Gomez Addams: We'd do what any red-blooded American would do. Run!
Morticia Frump Addams: True.

Morticia Frump Addams: Dear Pugsley. He DOES enjoy playing with his missiles.
Gomez Addams: Keeps him out of mischief, too. It's amazing how that little rascal manages to keep one step ahead of the government space program.
Morticia Frump Addams: A true Addams!

Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, it's midnight.
Gomez Addams: The perfect time for a little family picnic! We'll surprise the children.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, darling, they have to get up so early to go to school.
Gomez Addams: Well, then, we'll leave them here. That should CERTAINLY surprise them.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, are those men staring at us?
Gomez Addams: Not us. At you. You're ravishing!
[Starts kissing her arm]
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, please. It's early.
Gomez Addams: Your watch is slow.
Uncle Fester Frump: Hey, they're coming over. They got such funny looks in their eyes, they COULD be people from Mars.
Gomez Addams: Nonsense. They're not little, they're not green, and they don't have things sticking out of their heads.
Cousin Itt: Uts sfoo dedidivuh PAH!
Uncle Fester Frump: Itt's right. They could be disguised.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, whoever they are, we must be neighborly. We don't want them thinking we Earth-people are snobs.

Morticia Frump Addams: I like to relax on these outings. Do you gentlemen mind if I smoke?
Mr. Hinckley: Go right ahead.
[Morticia crosses her arms and exudes smoke from her body]

Morticia Frump Addams: I do hope you gentlemen like tongue of yak.
Mr. Hinckley: Yak?
Gomez Addams: Nice and fresh.
Morticia Frump Addams: It costs a little more than the quick-frozen, but it's so much tastier.

Professor Altshuler: But zhey are not Martians!
Morticia Frump Addams: Nonsense. They even speak Martian.
Professor Altshuler: Heh! Zhey learned it from ME!
Gomez Addams: Oh, then, YOU'RE Martian?
Morticia Frump Addams: Funny, you don't look it.

Professor Altshuler: If dey are not Martians and you are not Martians - heh - vot am I doing here?
Morticia Frump Addams: That's an interesting point.
Gomez Addams: [enthusiastically] Why don't we all go outside, look around some more?


"The Addams Family: Lurch, the Teenage Idol (#1.33)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: Lurch! He's been stabbed!
Morticia Frump Addams: Nonsense, darling. That's the way he sings.
Gomez Addams: He'd be better stabbed.

Mizzy Bickle: This guy's dynamite. He'll be bigger than the Beagles.
Morticia Frump Addams: The Beagles?
Uncle Fester Frump: They're very tasty.
Gomez Addams: Those are bagels.
Mizzy Bickle: The Begals? That's a great group, too.

[Morticia and Gomez play indoor golf, with Gomez's forehead used as the tee]
Gomez Addams: [from the floor] All right, now. Eye on the ball.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, suppose I miss the ball and hit YOU.
Gomez Addams: Counts as a stroke. Helps develops accuracy.

[Fester is cooking; Morticia reads his recipe book]
Morticia Frump Addams: Fillet of fenny snake in a caldron boil and bake. Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and pollywog...
Gomez Addams: Ooo, stop, stop, you're making me hungry.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, this isn't a cookbook. That's the witches' scene from MacBeth.
Uncle Fester Frump: Hey, that Shakespeare was a real gourmet, wasn't he?

[the foghorn blows]
Gomez Addams: Lurch! The door!
Morticia Frump Addams: Lurch is busy resting.
Gomez Addams: That's ridiculous! How can he expect to rest with me yelling for him every five minutes?

Gomez Addams: [to Morticia] Well, since I'm the one who got us into this mess, I'm gonna let YOU get us out. You tell Lurch he has to choose between crooning and butling.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, darling, I couldn't do that to dear Lurch.
Uncle Fester Frump: You're the head of the family, Gomez. YOU tell him.
Gomez Addams: Am I supposed to do everything?
Morticia Frump Addams: We'll do this the democratic way. We'll vote on it.
Gomez Addams: Capital idea!
Morticia Frump Addams: All those in favor of allowing Gomez to tell Lurch will say aye.
Grandmama Addams: Aye.
Uncle Fester Frump: Aye.
Morticia Frump Addams: Aye - it's unanimous.
Gomez Addams: But, I... I... I...
Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, three more ayes! It's becoming a landslide.

[the excitement of a proposed concert tour causes Lurch laryngitis; Fester and Gomez try curing him with a tank of spray]
Gomez Addams: Ah, it's no good, Fester. Didn't help a bit.
Uncle Fester Frump: Hmm. That's funny. It cured the rose bushes just like that.
[Fester clicks his fingers]
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, I don't believe Lurch has aphids.

Morticia Frump Addams: Lurch, try some of my old-fashioned remedy.
Grandmama Addams: Don't spill it on the table. Takes the paint right off.


"The Addams Family: Thing Is Missing (#1.23)" (1965)
Wednesday Addams: That new cactus brush really makes my head feel nice and tingly.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, I'm glad, darling. I'll just go upstairs and throw away your old porcupine quill brush.

Gomez Addams: You know, Tish, there're some times I wish your name were something like Ooo-Ooo.
Morticia Frump Addams: Ooo-Ooo?
Gomez Addams: It's almost impossible to blow smoke rings and spell out Morticia.

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, I see my roses need trimming again. No matter what I do, those smelly petals keep growing back.

Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester! How can you be so callous?
Uncle Fester Frump: I've been practicin'.
Gomez Addams: That does help.

Detective: But if it isn't a person, just what sort of a thing is it that's missing, Mrs. Addams? Is it a pet?
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, it's... It's a family retainer.
Detective: Oh... oh, it's a... it's a SERVANT. Well, isn't THAT a person?
Morticia Frump Addams: Not necessarily.

Sam Diamond: Eh, who was it that got snatched?
Morticia Frump Addams: Thing.
Sam Diamond: Thing? What was his last name?
Gomez Addams: Thing.
Sam Diamond: Thing THING? Kind of a name i' zat?
Morticia Frump Addams: It fits him perfectly.
Gomez Addams: It's true. Signs himself Thing T. Thing.
Sam Diamond: Uh-huh. And... the T stands for...?
Gomez and Morticia: [together] Thing.

[the ransom note calls for a disinterested party to deliver the money in exchange for Thing. Morticia recalls this as Det. Sam Diamond, unsuccessful at trying to understand who Thing is, prepares to leave the case]
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, I do believe he's our man. The ransom note said "a disinterest party." He seems VERY disinterested.

[last lines]
[Going on a outing, the Addamses head for the car]
Gomez Addams: Tish, where will Thing ride?
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, where he always rides - in the glove compartment.


"The Addams Family: Cousin Itt and the Vocational Counselor (#1.32)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, we MUST think of a way to help Cousin Itt.
Gomez Addams: We'd better. He's threatening to go to the south seas and become a beachcomber.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, we can't let THAT happen. He'd never get the sand out of his hair.

Morticia Frump Addams: Voilá! I have it.
Gomez Addams: Tish, that's French.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, please, let me tell you my idea.
Gomez Addams: [leering] Let me tell ya mine.

Morticia Frump Addams: I have the perfect career for Cousin Itt - marriage counselor.
Gomez Addams: Isn't he a bit inexperienced?
Morticia Frump Addams: So is the hangman till his first job.

Morticia Frump Addams: Good afternoon, Dr. Itt, we're a young married couple and we have a problem.
Cousin Itt: D'ya d'yeh dih dium d'oh.
Gomez Addams: Whadda you MEAN you're too busy to see us? We need help.
Morticia Frump Addams: [warningly] Henry...!

Gomez Addams: Tish, when you laugh it drives me wild!
Morticia Frump Addams: [as Gomez kisses his way up her arm] Darling, please, we're two other people.

Morticia Frump Addams: Obviously being a marriage counselor isn't his cup of tea.
Gomez Addams: Perhaps his cup of tea is failure.
Morticia Frump Addams: That's what they used to say about old Cornelius Addams - and they were right - but not about Cousin Itt. He's different.

Morticia Frump Addams: What do we always do when we have an insurmountable problem?
Gomez Addams: Give up.
Morticia Frump Addams: Not always.

Mortimer Phelps: [to Itt] Now I'll say a word and you say whatever pops into your mind. Uh... bird.
Gomez Addams: Vulture.
Morticia Frump Addams: Molting.
Gomez Addams: Mating.
Morticia Frump Addams: Nesting.
Gomez Addams: Billing.
Morticia Frump Addams: Cooing.
Gomez Addams: Lips.
Morticia Frump Addams: Red.
Gomez Addams: Kiss me!
Mortimer Phelps: Please! Now, I will not tolerate any more interruptions.
Gomez Addams: Really, old man, you don't understand true love when you see it.


"The Addams Family: Uncle Fester's Toupee (#1.31)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: [about his pen pal] She's coming here to visit me.
Morticia Frump Addams: Marvelous. We'll have the guest room unbolted.

Gomez Addams: By George, Morticia, you've done it again. With a hairpiece, Fester will knock her dead.
Morticia Frump Addams: I don't think we need to go THAT far, darling.

Gomez Addams: Kitty-Cat doesn't need a hairpiece. Never met a lion who did.
Max: A lion? In THIS house?
Morticia Frump Addams: How else are the children going to learn anything about nature?
Gomez Addams: I can't wait till pet day at school.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, have you noticed how people take to Uncle Fester?
Gomez Addams: Especially the ones who never met him.

Morticia Frump Addams: [pointing to a portrait] Now, who is that?
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, that's General Ulysses S. Addams.
Gomez Addams: And WHAT did he do at Vicksburg?
Uncle Fester Frump: He surrendered!
Gomez Addams: NOT till they caught up with him!

Gomez Addams: Where were we?
Morticia Frump Addams: On Madeline's five husbands.
Gomez Addams: I checked into them. They all died.
Morticia Frump Addams: Mysteriously?
Gomez Addams: Not at all. Suicide.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, I'm worried.
Gomez Addams: About what?
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester and Madeline. I think those two are in love.
Gomez Addams: With whom?
Morticia Frump Addams: With each other.
Gomez Addams: Impossible.
Morticia Frump Addams: No, it's not at all impossible, darling. According to their horoscopes, it's perfect - she's a Capricorn and he's a bachelor.

Morticia Frump Addams: You'll want to know some of Uncle Fester's favorite recipes.
Madelyn Smith: French pastry?
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, no, no. Simple things like, um, eye of newt.
Madelyn Smith: Newt? Aren't they those little crawly things?
Morticia Frump Addams: Not after you cook them.


"The Addams Family: Happyester Fester (#1.1)" (1992)
Gomez Addams: [looking at an empty seat] You know, Tish, dinner just isn't the same without Fester...
Morticia Addams: He'd sit here after he was one, smiling and dabbing his mouth...
Gomez Addams: And then he'd belch and blow out a window or two!

Wednesday Addams: I haven't seen uncle Fester since he staked himself to the anthill...
Morticia Addams: I know, dear, but something was bothering him even then - those screams were half-hearted and I didn't hear his usual joyous cackle...

Morticia Addams: Do you think Uncle Fester's all right, dear? He's been down in the basement for almost a week now.
Gomez Addams: Well, you know how these geniuses are, always working on something...
Morticia Addams: Yes. But he was so upset for not selling his last invention. And he had such a high hope for his lint wigs...
[an explosion occurs]
Uncle Fester: [appearing from a door] OH BOY! I hit the jack-pot! Excuse me a minute...
[ducks back in for another explosion]
Uncle Fester: [laughing] I didn't want to miss the afterblast!

Gomez Addams: Gadzooks and goodnights! Fester has invented a new fabric! It's bulletproof, self-cleaning...
Uncle Fester: And it tastes good with dip, too!
Wednesday Addams: Congratulations, Uncle Fester!
Morticia Addams: Isn't it exciting, Fester? Your first successful invention!
Uncle Fester: I call it Happyester, after Happydale Heights, our fine city!

Gomez Addams: Follow me, Fester! I know just who to talk to about your new invention!
Morticia Addams: Au revoir, darling!
Gomez Addams: [excited] CARA MIA! You spoke French!
[picks up both of Morticia's hands]
Gomez Addams: This one... no, no! No, no! This one!... no, no! No, no! This one!
Morticia Addams: What's wrong, darling?
Gomez Addams: I can't make up my mind! Both arms are so beautiful!

Morticia Addams: Fester, aren't you the modest one! You didn't tell us Happyester was itchy!
Uncle Fester: Oh, it's just one of those extras I threw in, you know. Just wait until you try to wash 'em - that's when the shrimp eggs kick in!

Morticia Addams: Oh, isn't that sweet! Fester is helping that nice Mr. Normanmeyer with his questions!
Uncle Fester: [at the press conference] You see, nobody wanted Happyester, but not my pal! Uh-UH! He was determined that every man, woman and child in America have itchy legs, shrimpy shorts and scratchy pants!

[Pugsley throws food at his father]
Morticia Addams: Pugsley, where are your manners?
Pugsley Addams: Sorry, Mom.
Morticia Addams: You forgot the gravy!
Pugsley Addams: Oh, yeah. Sorry, Dad!
[throws gravy at his father]
Gomez Addams: Mmm. Crunchy, just the way I like it!


"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Writer (#2.8)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Imagine, poisoning a child's mind with all this terrible literature.
Gomez Addams: Children, have you protested?
Pugsley Addams: Sure. We told Miss Doubleday that us Addamses LIKE giants, goblins and witches.
Wednesday Addams: But she just muttered something about nuts.

Morticia Frump Addams: All work and no play gets books done.

Morticia Frump Addams: My first story: "Cinderella, the Teenage Delinquent."
Gomez Addams: Cinderella - ho ho! - my blood boils at the thought of THAT little minx.

Morticia Frump Addams: [reading from her first finished work] "As the clock struck twelve, the police, summoned by the kindly step-mother, found Cinderella cowering in the ashes with the stolen glass slipper and yanked her off to the pokey."

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, will you please proofread that and send it off to a publisher?
Gomez Addams: Which one?
Morticia Frump Addams: Uh, try Demon Press. They sound just perfect for children's books.

Gomez Addams: Genius often goes unrecogniezed. After all, Dostoyevsky wasn't discovered until he was 56.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, no wonder. With a name like that, the reviewers probably couldn't even spell it.

Morticia Frump Addams: What was the name of that mean little girl who was so beastly to those three lovely bears?
Lurch: Goldilocks.
Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, yes, Goldilocks. Trust a blonde to bring on trouble. Well, when I get through with Miss Goldilocks, her books will be banned from coast to coast.
Lurch: Ugggh.

Pugsley Addams: Look at these books they gave us to read in school: "A Treasury of Mean Witches, Evil Giants, Wicked Goblins & Other Bedtime Stories by Moricia Addams."
Wednesday Addams: Mother, how could you? Yuch!
Gomez Addams: Children, please, watch your language. Besides, your mother didn't write those. I did.
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, you?
Gomez Addams: Children, please go play with your spiders. Cara, much as it hurt to rewrite those glorious phrases of yours, I... I HAD to do it.
Morticia Frump Addams: And I know why.
Gomez Addams: You do?
Morticia Frump Addams: You wanted to prove that the only thing that publishers will print today is junk.


"The Addams Family: Lurch's Little Helper (#2.27)" (1966)
Morticia Frump Addams: [bowing to Gomez who has come bounding into the living room wielding a samurai sword] Gong ho, my lord and master.
Gomez Addams: [likewise bowing] Yasho, me shukiyaki.
Morticia Frump Addams: Samurai time again, darling?
Gomez Addams: Yes, but it won't be much fun without Lurch. Then, he has to get his rest. I'll teach Smiley. Smiley!
Smiley: [enters] You - rang?
Gomez Addams: No, Smiley, I called. I'm going to make an ancient Japanese warrior out of you, Smiley. First thing I want you to do...
Lurch: [interrupting as he enters] Nooooooooooooo!
Lurch: [to Smiley] Follow me.
Morticia Frump Addams: [after Lurch and Smiley exit] Isn't that sweet! I don't think Lurch is jealous of Smiley anymore. He probably wants to play with him.
Gomez Addams: Well, this house always has bred peace and harmony.
[loud commotion offstage; Lurch re-enters alone]
Gomez Addams: What was that noise all about?
Morticia Frump Addams: And where is Smiley?
Lurch: [holds up large wrench] Resigned.
Lurch: [puts down wrench, picks up samurai sword, faces Gomez] Banzai!
Gomez Addams: [delighted] Banzai!
[Gomez leaps into action, yelling in Japanese]

Morticia Frump Addams: I'm a little worried about Lurch, though, darling.
Gomez Addams: [still recuperating from playing samurai with Lurch] You think I overdid it this time, took too much out of him?
Morticia Frump Addams: No, but I do think we're overworking the poor dear.
Gomez Addams: We just work him day and night. All the rest of the time's his own.

Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, dear Lurch. He's so pleased with his new helper.
Gomez Addams: Always was a warm, friendly, sort.

Gomez Addams: Nobody does a back-scratch like Lurch.
Morticia Frump Addams: It's those talons of his.

Gomez Addams: [grabbing and kissing Morticia's arm] Tish, that French! Speak some more. Au revoir. Avant-garde. Ooh la la.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, Lurch now; ooh la la later.

Gomez Addams: I've been yanking on this bell for twenty minutes. Why doesn't Lurch answer?
Uncle Fester Frump: Want me to go up to his room and see if he's dead or somethin'?
Morticia Frump Addams: If he's resting we shouldn't want to disturb him, and if he's dead there's no point to it.

Gomez Addams: [admiring Morticia's flower stems] You were born with a green thumb.
Morticia Frump Addams: [looking at her thumb] Really? Must have been very attractive.

Wednesday Addams: [walking away from a card game] I give up!
Morticia Frump Addams: Now-now, darling, you must learn to be a good loser.
Wednesday Addams: I'm winning.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh?
Wednesday Addams: But it's no fun. Smiley can't cheat like Lurch.


"The Addams Family: Ophelia's Career (#2.30)" (1966)
Ophelia Frump: Oh, dear brother-in-law, you behold the most miserable of women.
Gomez Addams: Well, you are that, but what happened?

Ophelia Frump: Oh, Uncle Fester, you behold the most wretched of women.
Uncle Fester Frump: Say, you DO look better.

Ophelia Frump: [mixing chemicals, she asks for... ] The green bottle.
Uncle Fester Frump: [assisting] The green bottle! Oh, no you don't.
Ophelia Frump: Why not?
Uncle Fester Frump: That's my aftershave lotion.
Ophelia Frump: Uncle Fester, that's sulphuric acid!
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah, I know. It's real tangy!
Ophelia Frump: [stroking Fester's face] Ahh! There's something about a sulfuric acid man.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, perhaps Ophelia should devote herself to art.
[the wildcat clock roars the hour]
Gomez Addams: You may be right. Science doesn't seem to be it. Here it is three o'clock, Ophelia's been up there mixing chemicals for two hours, and nothing.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, we must be patient with these new scientists. After all, dear, she hasn't the faintest idea of what she's doing.

Gomez Addams: Ophelia, we found your career! You could be an opera singer!
Ophelia Frump: Me, an opera singer?
Gomez Addams: Oh, you'll have to put on a little weight...
Ophelia Frump: Oh, I will, I will.

Signor Bellini: Stoppa, stoppa, stoppa!
Ophelia Frump: Is something wrong, Signor Bellini?
Signor Bellini: No, except that in-a my twenty years of-a coaching the greats, near greats and even ingrates I have never-a heard such a squaking, a squeeking and screeching from a human-a t'roat!

Ophelia Frump: Oh, joy to the world. I've charmed my ma-estro with my simple triple-stop, double vibrato vocal harmonium.

Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, the mail's in. Ah, thank you, Thing. Gomez, darling, it's from the Canary Islands.
Gomez Addams: Strange, we don't know any canaries.


"The Addams Family: Cousin Itt Visits the Addams Family (#1.20)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: [Hands Commissioner Fiske a check for a donation to the zoo] Here you are, sir. One hundred fifty thousand dollars and twenty cents.
Park Commissioner Fiske: Twenty cents?
Gomez Addams: I threw in your car fare.
Park Commissioner Fiske: Thank you! Thank you Uncle Fester! Thank you, Mrs. Addams! Thank you, Mr. Addams and thank you
[shaking Thing's outstretched hand]
Park Commissioner Fiske: ... uhhh ewwww ewwwwwhhh
[shakes his head in disbelief and runs out the door]
Morticia Frump Addams: You're quite right, darling. He should slow down.

[Morticia has spoken French and, because of it, an impassioned Gomez has kissed his way up to her shoulder when the door bell rings]
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, please, there's someone at the door.
Gomez Addams: [not stopping] WE'RE married.

Gomez Addams: [watching Cousin Itt shinny up the side of the house and enter through an upper window] Good old Itt! He's comfortably settled in the attic before you can say "Sweep out the cobweb."
Morticia Frump Addams: The perfect houseguest.

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, it must be spring. The vampire bats are playing around the attic eves.

Morticia Frump Addams: This is rather like being in the jungle again, isn't it, dear?
Gomez Addams: You were wonderful to have on safari, Tish. No one could skin a hippopotamus like you could.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, darling, any housewife could do that. YOU were the remarkable one.
Gomez Addams: Well...
Morticia Frump Addams: I'll never forget when that tiger broke cover. He charged our gun-bearer.
Gomez Addams: Ah, yes. Dear Ali-Koshva.
Morticia Frump Addams: Quick as a wink and without a moment's hesitation you snapped your gun to your shoulder and fired.
Gomez Addams: Bagged ourselves a wonderful gun-bearer.

Morticia Frump Addams: Let's not have any dueling.
Uncle Fester Frump: That's right. I'll shoot him in the back!
Morticia Frump Addams: No, no, Uncle Fester. There will be no shooting.
Gomez Addams: It DOES disturb the neighbors.

[Morticia tells Fiske she'll not permit Cousin Itt to return with him to the zoo]
Park Commissioner Fiske: [sarcastically] In case you change your mind, I'll reserve a cage for him. In fact, I'll reserve cages for ALL of you!
Gomez Addams: [watching Fiske leave] Cages for all of us? I'm not sure I'd like that.
Morticia Frump Addams: Of course not, darling. We'll insist on one big FAMILY cage.

Announcer: We interrupt with a special announcement: An hour ago a dangerous creature broke out of the city zoo. When last seen, the monster was heading for the Greenbrier-Woodlawn area.
Morticia Frump Addams: That's us again.
Lurch: Shall I bolt the windows and doors?
Gomez Addams: Nonsense. It's probably another relative.


"The Addams Family: The Great Treasure Hunt (#2.19)" (1966)
Morticia Frump Addams: [signs] There's nothing more romantic than a dark, chill attic in a thunderstorm.

Gomez Addams: [pulling a peg-leg from the sea chest] Ohh. Old Peg-leg's peg-leg.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, the poor thing. How did he lose his leg, dear?
Gomez Addams: He didn't. He just wore this for appearances.
Morticia Frump Addams: How stylish.

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, was Grandfather Peg-leg buried at sea?
Gomez Addams: Full military honors: handcuffed, blindfolded, dropped off a plank.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, what flag shall we sail under.
Gomez Addams: The flag we Addamses have always sailed under - a Jolly Roger.

Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, I love adventure, just so there's money involved.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester! We're not going for the money.
Uncle Fester Frump: The gold?
Grandmama Addams: Aren't you buccaneers forgetting something?
Uncle Fester Frump: The jewels!
Grandmama Addams: No, the children. They're in school.
Gomez Addams: Well, we'll just take them out of school.
Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, yes. The principal's always suggesting it, anyway.

Morticia Frump Addams: All we need is a cozy little vessel with a tight-lipped crew.
Gomez Addams: To ensure top secret, we'll be our own crew.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, with you in command, how can we go wrong?
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, I'll tell ya...
Gomez Addams: [loudly and pompously] We'll have no mutinous talk, sir, unless you'd like to be flogged, keel-hauled and thrown into irons!
Uncle Fester Frump: You know somethin', I think I'd like that.

Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, Gomez, lemme crack the safe.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, we have the combination.
Uncle Fester Frump: I know, but it's so much more fun blowin' it.


"The Addams Family: Gomez, the Cat Burglar (#2.12)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, Gomez just went out sleepwalking.
Uncle Fester Frump: Nice night for it.

Morticia Frump Addams: Then he came home at four o'clock this morning with mud all over his shoes.
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, that's better than lipstick all over his shirt.

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, it looks like dear Gomez overdid it again. Too much of Mama's stew.
Grandmama Addams: Just like his father. Mr. Addams loved my yak gravy on glutton bread.
Morticia Frump Addams: Mama, isn't that "gluten" bread?
Grandmama Addams: Huh-uh. Not the way HE ate it.

Gomez Addams: Speaking of tracks, I had the most fascinating dream last night. I dreamt I was walking along a dark street and I stepped into a mud puddle with my new shoes.
Morticia Frump Addams: The ones you got for our wedding?
Gomez Addams: The very ones.
[Gomez holds out his foot to show his shoes and they're caked in dried mud]
Gomez Addams: Now that's what I call a realistic dream.

Morticia Frump Addams: [slowly] Uncle Fester, I want you to accompany me to the storeroom. I'd like a word with the man who never sleeps.

Grandmama Addams: I know what's causing Gomez trouble.
Morticia Frump Addams: You do?
Grandmama Addams: It's that yak stew of mine. I just remembered, his father used to react the same way. That's why I quit making it.

Morticia Frump Addams: As I always say, "When you need help, call the police."


"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Sculptress (#2.9)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Fun, fun, fun. There's more to life than just fun.
Gomez Addams: There is?

Morticia Frump Addams: A life must have some fulfillment. I want to do something artistic that the world will remember. Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know.

Uncle Fester Frump: [looking at Morticia's sculpture] When're you gonna start?
Morticia Frump Addams: Gonna start? Uncle Fester, I'm almost finished.
Gomez Addams: Fester, don't be a clod. Don't you know art when you see it?
Uncle Fester Frump: I know a rock when I see it.

Morticia Frump Addams: Well, darling, what do you think?
Gomez Addams: Leonardo da Vinci NEVER did anything like that.

Sam Picasso: You keep all of your money in the drawer?
Gomez Addams: Just petty cash. Big stuff's upstairs in the mattress.
Morticia Frump Addams: [entering] Ah, Mr. Picasso. My husband's been telling me about you.
Sam Picasso: Oh, that's a lie. I run an honest gallery.

Gomez Addams: Look at yourself in the mirror. Pale, drawn, sunken-cheeked.
Morticia Frump Addams: Yes. Sculpting does agree with me.

Morticia Frump Addams: I still have four hours of night light left.
Gomez Addams: But aren't you coming to bed?
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, darling, how can I sleep knowing that somewhere there's a stone uncut?
Gomez Addams: How about a husband un-cuddled?


"The Addams Family: Gomez, the Reluctant Lover (#2.10)" (1965)
[Something's ailing Pugsley]
Morticia Frump Addams: The poor dear looks miserable.
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, he never WAS too attractive.

Pugsley Addams: I'm writing a letter.
Morticia Frump Addams: [sniffs] Scented?
Pugsley Addams: Licorice. My favorite.

Morticia Frump Addams: "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
Gomez Addams: Lincoln?
Morticia Frump Addams: Jefferson.

Gomez Addams: Morticia, you're all woman.
Morticia Frump Addams: Yes, I know.

Uncle Fester Frump: Morticia, I don't know how to tell you this, but your husband's a fink.
Morticia Frump Addams: My husband Gomez?
Uncle Fester Frump: You got another? He's playin' footsies with another woman. And when I say "footsies" I don't mean "footsies."

Uncle Fester Frump: He sure convinced me, having that woman laying down in his arms like that, with her hair stragling down all over her shoulders, and her eyes afire, and her cheeks aflame!
Morticia Frump Addams: You saw all that?
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah! And I only caught a glance.

Morticia Frump Addams: Just tell Gomez I said "Don't. Stop."
Uncle Fester Frump: "Don't. Stop."
Morticia Frump Addams: He'll understand.
Uncle Fester Frump: You know me - Old Dependable.
[later]
Uncle Fester Frump: Morticia says "Don't stop."
Gomez Addams: Don't stop? Thanks.
Gomez Addams: [back to Miss Dunbar] Now what was I saying before we were interrupted? Ah, yes! I was saying that nobody must be allowed to interrupt.
Uncle Fester Frump: [running out of the room] MORTICIA!


"The Addams Family: Girlfriendstein/Pugsley by the Numbers/Beware of Thing (#1.4)" (1992)
Gomez Addams: Ah, Tish, Sunday wouldn't be the same without our backyard brunches! Hearty meals, family togetherness...
Morticia Addams: And Uncle Fester rolling around in the cemetery!

Morticia Addams: Darling, did you notice? The brownies aren't moving.
Gomez Addams: And there's nothing in my tea except tea! It's not like Lurch to be so slipshod!

Morticia Addams: Family, we need to rally together to help poor heartbroken Lurch.
Gomez Addams: Capital idea, Tish! Let's arrange a date for him with Aunt Ben!
Morticia Addams: But darling, Aunt Ben is a MAN... I think.

[Cousin Itt arrives]
Morticia Addams: Why, Cousin Itt, what brings you out our way?
[Itt jabbers]
Gomez Addams: You saw Fester's robot in the spy satellite, and wanted to ask her out?... Go for it, old bean!

[Itt jabbers]
Morticia Addams: Isn't that sweet? Cousin Itt wants a double date with Lurch and his girlfriend.
Gomez Addams: Ah, just think how much fun two lumbering hulks, a robot and a ball of hair can have together...!
Morticia Addams: Darling, we could get Fester to babysit and make it a triple date...
Gomez Addams: Querida! You're a genius!

Morticia Addams: How thoughtful. Itt wants Lurch to enjoy his night off, so HE'll drive.
Gomez Addams: Cousin Itt can't see over the steering wheel! Why, he might drive off a cliff! Cara mia...
Morticia Addams: Are you thinking what I am?
Gomez Addams: Yes! Yes! Yes!


"The Addams Family: The Winning of Morticia Addams (#1.34)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: [reading a magazine article] This fella says that "married couples who seem ideally mated and perfectly attuned are really miserable, emotional messes underneath."
Morticia Frump Addams: [continuing to gaze lovingly into Gomez's eyes] The poor things.

Uncle Fester Frump: [spotting Gomez' spear piercing a pipe] Ah-ha! You had a fight. Congratulations!
Morticia Frump Addams: Nonsense, Uncle Fester. We've never been happier.
Uncle Fester Frump: [with deepest sympathies] You poor, misguided soul.

Dr. Francis Chalon: If you don't mind my saying so, I've made women forget their husbands in one day.
Morticia Frump Addams: Please, I love Gomez.
Dr. Francis Chalon: Who's Gomez?
Morticia Frump Addams: My husband.
Dr. Francis Chalon: You see? I've forgotten him already.

Uncle Fester Frump: [watching François limber up for the duel] He'll enjoy killing Gomez.
Morticia Frump Addams: But Gomez wouldn't enjoy it.

Morticia Frump Addams: Cousin Itt, I'm faced with a terrible problem and I know you have a good head on your shoulders. You do have shoulders, don't you?
Cousin Itt: Fize fiz d'fide fuh dehdu d'foo hahie ehh!
Morticia Frump Addams: Three?

Morticia Frump Addams: François, I don't want you to fight. You might get killed.
Dr. Francis Chalon: Do not worry. In three strokes you are a widow.


"The Addams Family: Uncle Fester's Illness (#1.18)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: Ooo, ooooo, Tish, when you speak French you drive me wild! Speaks some more French, Tish. Anything! Toute allure! La plume de ma tante! Mademoiselle from Armentieres! ANYTHING!
Morticia Frump Addams: [appreciatively] You ARE a devil.

Gomez Addams: Lurch, I'm afraid you're going to have to apologize to Uncle Fester.
Lurch: Ughhhhhhhhh.
Gomez Addams: That's better.
Morticia Frump Addams: DEAR Lurch. He expresses himself so well.

Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, I've been thinking: Have you been getting enough moonshine?

Morticia Frump Addams: [looking through family photos] Oh, Gomez, you were a HANDSOME little boy.
Gomez Addams: Darling, that's our son, Pugsley.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh? You're right! I thought he looked familiar.

Morticia Frump Addams: [having been the one to call a local physician for Uncle Fester] Darling, if this doctor proves inadequate, we'll send out west for a medicine man.

Morticia Frump Addams: [watching Dr. Milford examine Uncle Fester] He does have some unusual methods, doesn't he?
Gomez Addams: Yes, indeed. I... I wish he'd shake his rattles or yell a few times as Dr. Mbogo does. Makes you feel like he's accomplishing something.


"The Addams Family: Ophelia Finds Romance (#2.20)" (1966)
[an explosion]
Morticia Frump Addams: Pugsley's new chemistry set. He's making a different kind of TNT.
Gomez Addams: Those educational toys certainly keep a boy out of mischief.
Morticia Frump Addams: I wish I could say the same for Uncle Fester. I caught him cheating at checkers.
Gomez Addams: Inexcusable! Unless he was playing for money.

Ophelia Frump: My life is ruined
Gomez Addams: Sounds kind of serious.
Morticia Frump Addams: A man.
Ophelia Frump: Brilliant, charming, cultured, rich.
Gomez Addams: Live?
Ophelia Frump: Yes, I... I'm almost sure he was alive. My mother objects.
Gomez Addams: Granny Frump? Egad, she must be sick. Why?
Ophelia Frump: She says if he's in love with me, there must be something wrong with him.
Gomez Addams: That's a point.

Morticia Frump Addams: I must save my poor deluded sister from the clutches of that beast.
Gomez Addams: Right. She's deluded enough without him.

Ophelia Frump: But I love Horatio.
Gomez Addams: The man's a bounder and a cad.
Morticia Frump Addams: And not a very nice one.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, you know so much about the world.
Gomez Addams: I've lived in it all my life.

[Horatio and Ophelia break up]
Gomez Addams: Ophelia, he's the second richest man in the world.
Ophelia Frump: My mother taught me never to settle for second-best.


"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Matchmaker (#1.12)" (1964)
Melancholia: [explaining the reason for her surprise visit] It's Fred, my intended.
Morticia Frump Addams: He jilted you.
Melancholia: Well, I can't really say. He just took back his ring, sold his farm and joined the Foreign Legion.
Gomez Addams: That IS kind of indefinite.

Morticia Frump Addams: Lurch, we have a lovely girl for you, sweet, soft and soulful.
Gomez Addams: I thought you wanted him for Melancholia.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, I'm TALKING abut Melancholia.

Morticia Frump Addams: Mama is cooking up a real surprise.
Gomez Addams: I am so hungry I could eat a wolf.
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, you guessed it!

Morticia Frump Addams: Nairobi's such a romantic place. Those lovely nights with the hyenas howling. Makes a perfect spot for a honeymoon.
Charles P. Harvey: You're so right, Mrs. Addams. You really have a good busine... HONEYMOON! What honeymoon?

Morticia Frump Addams: Don't they make a handsome couple?
Gomez Addams: He's a man; she's a woman: perfect match.

Morticia Frump Addams: Remember, blood is thicker than water. Thank Heaven.


"The Addams Family: Fester Goes on a Diet (#2.18)" (1966)
Morticia Frump Addams: [watching Fester exercise to Jack LaLanne on TV] What's he doing?
Gomez Addams: He's either dancing to the late late show or exercising to the early early show.

Gomez Addams: Fester's up to something.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, have you ever known Uncle Fester to be sneaky and underhanded?
Gomez Addams: Only when he was up to something shady.

Gomez Addams: Lurch, we know we can count on you. What's troubling Fester?
[Lurch stands motionless and expressionless]
Morticia Frump Addams: I think he's trying to tell us something.
Gomez Addams: Is he in trouble?
[Lurch remains motionless and expressionless]
Gomez Addams: [to Morticia] He's beginning to weaken.
Gomez Addams: [back to Lurch] Is it a money matter?
Morticia Frump Addams: An emotional disturbance?
Gomez Addams: A health problem?
[Lurch remains motionless and expressionless]
Gomez Addams: We're getting warm - a health problem.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, you're right. Uncle Fester's ill.
Gomez Addams: Of course, that's it! It's written all over his face. We just had to keep probing.

Morticia Frump Addams: Hello, Houston. This is Morticia Addams, and I'd like to speak to the head of your astronaut program. He's asleep? Well, wake him, wake him. This is a citizen calling.

Uncle Fester Frump: You know, Morticia, when she sees me, a great postal romance is goin' right down the drain.
Morticia Frump Addams: Brace up, Uncle Fester. She'll love you for what you are.
Gomez Addams: [indicating his bloated, flabby tummy] All of it.

Morticia Frump Addams: What an interesting couple.
Gomez Addams: They're almost an interesting quartet.


"The Addams Family: Hide and Go Lurch/Hook, Line and Stinkers/A Sword Fightin' Thing (#1.11)" (1992)
Morticia Addams: Oh, Gomez, remember what I wore on our honeymoon?
[holds up a pair of stocks]
Gomez Addams: Ah, Tish! You looked so good in mahogany...

Morticia Addams: Wednesday, be a dear and fetch your uncle, please.
Wednesday Addams: 'Tis my pleasure, Mother... Behold, a pile of ants!
[Fester appears with a spoon and a bottle of ketchup]

Pugsley Addams: Dad, Uncle Fester, what's the big deal about an old horn?
Gomez Addams: Only the greatest game ever played, son!
Uncle Fester: Yeah, back when we were little critters like you!
Gomez Addams: First, we blew the horn as loud as we could...
Uncle Fester: Hopefully passing out from hyperventilation...
Gomez Addams: ...then Lurch would have until midnight to find us!
Morticia Addams: And he always did.
Gomez Addams: Ah, that's right, Tish! In all those years, we never once could shake the big fella! Except that one time we tied him to the faultline...

Morticia Addams: I'm off to the funeral parlour to preview next year's caskets. We do so need to replace the one in the bedroom.
Gomez Addams: Aunt Stiffy will appreciate it! Have fun, cara mia!
Morticia Addams: Au revoir, darling.
Gomez Addams: [excited] TISH! You spoke French!
[goes for Morticia's hand]
Morticia Addams: Gomez, dear, you're supposed to be relaxing.
Gomez Addams: Oh... oh, that's right! Have fun, querida!

Morticia Addams: Gomez, dear, are you feeling rested yet?
Gomez Addams: [in a spiked bed] Not yet!
Morticia Addams: Well, it certainly doesn't look very comfortable in there.
Gomez Addams: It's not! Before long, my back will be a twisted mass of pain!
Morticia Addams: Good!

[Morticia arrives home to find Gomez and Thing exhausted from swordfighting, Gomez in a cramped position]
Morticia Addams: Gomez darling? Thing? Oh dear, if Gomez sleeps like that he'll wake up all stiff and twisted. Won't he be relaxed! Thank you, Thing.


"The Addams Family: Crisis in the Addams Family (#1.24)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: [back from his first day as an insurance salesman] I tried. I knocked on every door in my territory. I was dynamic. I was personable, charming, AND magnetic but it wasn't any use. Oh, my career is ruined. I'm all washed up.
[Fester plods off to his room]
Gomez Addams: I have a feeling all's not well with Fester.
Morticia Frump Addams: It's hard to tell. He puts up such a brave front.

Morticia Frump Addams: [decorating] There now, Lurch. You see what a bit of poison ivy can do for a canon?
Lurch: Veeeery cheeeerful.

[Gomez is out sky diving; Morticia explains]
Morticia Frump Addams: You see, he has this theory - I'm not quite sure that I understand it - but he hopes to prove that if a jumper jumps, using a smaller chute each time, eventually he'll need no chute at all.
Mayor Arthur J. Henson: Well, how far along is he?
Morticia Frump Addams: He said he'd have it figured one, one way or another, by the end of this week.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, I think you made the right decision.
Gomez Addams: The best since I put Winthrope in charge of Addams Motors. Remember? Took a failing company and in three months ran it into bankruptcy.
Morticia Frump Addams: [flatteringly] Dear, you could have done it in ONE month.

Morticia Frump Addams: [sniffing delicately at the odor from the just-heard explosion] Just a pinch more sulphur, children!


"The Addams Family: Lurch Learns to Dance (#1.13)" (1964)
Lurch: I'm a wallflower.
Gomez Addams: What?
Lurch: I can't dance.
Gomez Addams: Oh, it's so simple. You can learn in no time.
[snapping his fingers in time]
Gomez Addams: "Come, and trip it as you go, / On the light fantastic toe." Shakespeare!
Morticia Frump Addams: [snaps her fingers] Milton!
Gomez Addams: By Jove, you're right.

Morticia Frump Addams: Look at Mr. Addams. He's always developing outside interests.
Gomez Addams: Right now I have the most enviable collection of coroner reports in the neighborhood.

Morticia Frump Addams: Dear, I can't find Lurch.
Gomez Addams: Ah, he did seem depressed by all that Butlers' Ball talk.
Morticia Frump Addams: You don't suppose he did anything drastic, do you?
Gomez Addams: Of course not, otherwise your little vulture would be circling the area.

Morticia Frump Addams: Well, should we call another instructress?
Gomez Addams: Waste of smelling salts.

Gomez Addams: I promised him a large contribution to their pet charity.
Morticia Frump Addams: How nice of them to have charities for pets.


"The Addams Family: Halloween - Addams Style (#2.7)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: What's this? Tears on our very own holiday? Why, all those nice witches and goblins flying around...
Wednesday Addams: That's just it. They told us there weren't any witches.
Morticia Frump Addams: WHAT?
Gomez Addams: What fiend uttered that vile canard?

Gomez Addams: I hope Aunt Singe likes children.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, all witches LOVE children. Remember Hansel and Gretel?
Gomez Addams: Well, they almost wound up in an oven, but until then that old witch couldn't have been nicer.

[Gomez buys a horse]
Morticia Frump Addams: Now let's see, what shall we name him?
Gomez Addams: How 'bout, uh... Fido?
Morticia Frump Addams: Fido? For a horse?
Gomez Addams: Rover?
Morticia Frump Addams: Much better.

Morticia Frump Addams: It's a horse.
Uncle Fester Frump: [dubiously] Are you sure?
Gomez Addams: Not only a beautiful animal but smart, too. He can count to ten.
Uncle Fester Frump: Heh! Big deal. I can count to twenty.
Morticia Frump Addams: But the horse didn't go to school.
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, neither did I.

Penelope Sandhurst: You must have mistaken me for someone else.
Morticia Frump Addams: [appraising her features] Oh, no-no-no-no, we didn't. That's an Addams face if I ever saw one. Look at that chin, dear.
Gomez Addams: Flabby, weak, receding.
Morticia Frump Addams: Beautiful!


"The Addams Family: Amnesia in the Addams Family (#1.22)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, this is dreadful. Has your memory been destroyed?
Gomez Addams: I don't know. I don't remember.

Gomez Addams: What's that?
Morticia Frump Addams: That's our butler, Lurch.
Gomez Addams: Is it real or do you wind it up?

Morticia Frump Addams: Surely you recognize your own offspring.
Gomez Addams: No, but the girl DOES resemble you.
Morticia Frump Addams: And Pugsley's the image of you.
Gomez Addams: [horrified] He is?
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, naturally. Look in the mirror.
Gomez Addams: [shunning away, quickly] I'm afraid.

[Morticia hopes Gomez' memory will return through routine activities]
Morticia Frump Addams: Let's recapture those mad moments, Gomez. Kiss my arm.
Gomez Addams: Your arm?
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, I'm yours, from shoulder to knuckle.
Gomez Addams: Isn't that rather unsanitary?

Gomez Addams: It's not very easy to relax around here.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, of course it is. Stand on your head.


"The Addams Family: Morticia and Gomez vs. Fester and Grandmama (#2.17)" (1966)
Morticia Frump Addams: I'm concerned about the children.
Gomez Addams: I know, but every silver lining has its cloud.

Gomez Addams: Querida, you're always at your best in a crisis.
Morticia Frump Addams: And you're so inspiring.
Gomez Addams: That's what they said about old Ebenezer Addams.
Morticia Frump Addams: When he led the early settlers across the great plains?
Gomez Addams: When he sold the first guns to the Indians.
Morticia Frump Addams: He really WAS a pioneer.

Motel Proprietor: You're the first customers we've had here since you were last here two years ago.
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling, look!
[Morticia picks up a mildewed jeweled hair comb]
Gomez Addams: So THAT"S where you left it.
Motel Proprietor: I'm coming to think there's somthin' wrong with this place. Eh, maybe the location?
Gomez Addams: Nonsense! The location's ideal. Why, the vinegar works are over there; glue factory's right behind ya.

Motel Proprietor: Oh, one other little thing - eh, watch out for the badger trap under the bed.
Morticia Frump Addams: What a DIVINE touch!

[Hurricane Zsa-Zsa blows into the Addams' neighborhood and everyone runs outside to greet it except for Gomez and Morticia]
Gomez Addams: You and I can go up to the attic.
Morticia Frump Addams: The attic?
Gomez Addams: I know how sentimental you are about the Last Chance Motel. I tore a big hole in the roof.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling.


"The Addams Family: Morticia's Favorite Charity (#1.29)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: [entering the basement] Oh, I love coming down to this old room - such charming mustiness.
Gomez Addams: In many ways the most attractive room in the house.

Gomez Addams: Morticia, let's forget the bazaar. They haven't even asked us to donate this year anyway.
Morticia Frump Addams: Yes, and I can't understand that. Our old insurance man, Mr. Henson, is in charge this year, and he's been to our home. He knows what lovely things we have.
Gomez Addams: Behaved very strangely the last time he was here. Perhaps he's one of those people with no taste.
Morticia Frump Addams: Last year they auctioned off my stuffed vulture for thirty-five cents.
Gomez Addams: Your live one would've gotten much more.

Wednesday Addams: [holding up her headless doll] I'm donating Mary Queen of Scot.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, that IS your most precious possession.
Wednesday Addams: I can chop a head off another doll.
Morticia Frump Addams: I know, but all the heads don't come off as nicely as this one. Are you sure you want to donate Mary?
Wednesday Addams: Yes, but I'll never be able to look her head in the eye again.

Morticia Frump Addams: [feeding her plant] Here you are, Cleopatra, some nice, fresh walrus burger.

Morticia Frump Addams: [to Gomez, as Pugsley hides up the chimney] Darling, this may be a traumatic experience for him. Perhaps we'd better try and get the clock back.
Gomez Addams: Nonsense. Some of the finest men in the Addams family have been shaped by childhood traumas.


"The Addams Family: F.T.V. (#1.9)" (1992)
[THe FTV satellite is heading for Happydale Heights]
Morticia Addams: Gomez, we can roast marshmallows like we did on Mount Vesuvius!
Gomez Addams: Cara mia! The bag is in the pantry...

Uncle Fester: Wanna relive our safari days and shrink my head?
Gomez Addams: Always, brother! But I promised my pet I'd read her the next two chapters of Uncle Spore's "Fungi of the World."
Morticia Addams: Ah, the way Gomez reads each page it's as if Uncle Spore was with us in the room.
Gomez Addams: Well, he was, until Lurch hosed down the underside of the bed...

Uncle Fester: Enjoy my time alone... enjoy my time alone...
Morticia Addams: [behind a closed door] Oh Gomez...

Uncle Fester: [receiving money] Thanks! It all goes into my Norm fund, you know!
Morticia Addams: Only four more months, and you'll have enough to build that nice Mr. Normanmeyer a new home!
Gomez Addams: Wait until he sees the underwater bowling alley!

[brushing their teeth in the bathroom]
Morticia Addams: Darling, please don't rinse.
Gomez Addams: Why not, Tish?
Morticia Addams: It's like you have hoof-and-mouth all over again.


Halloween with the New Addams Family (1977) (TV)
Morticia Addams: [an explosion is heard from the kitchen] Did you leave a cake in the oven, Mama?
Grandmama Addams: It's that woman again! That's my kitchen, not an airport!

Morticia Addams: [singing] Christmas and Easter bring wonderful treasures/spirits and pumpkins bring far greater pleasures.

First Cop: Sorry folks, but the neighbors complained about the noise.
Morticia Addams: But this is a holiday, and a very special holiday for the Addams family, everyone here is a relative.
Uncle Fester: [brings in the crooks] I'm sorry you're mistaken, Morticia, these two aren't.
First Cop: Well... Bones Lafferty, and Louie the Lard?
Gomez Addams: You must be mistaken officer, these people are family.
[Fester shakes his head]
Boss Crook: No, we - we just said that... we're not members of this family. They've got a lion, a lion! In the basement, and a lady flew out the window!
Little Bo Peep: That was no lady, it was a pterodactyl.

Morticia Addams: This is Mr. Grim, show him the house.
Grandmama Addams: He's in it.

Gomez Addams: [opening a present] An umbrella, Tish you know me like a book.
Morticia Addams: I was afraid the weather would be terrible. You know how horrid sunshine is, I shall pray for clouds.


"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Decorator (#2.23)" (1966)
Gomez Addams: Morticia, you have impeccable taste.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, of course. I married YOU, didn't I?

[door bell rings]
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, that must be the Digbys.
Gomez Addams: I'm almost afraid to let them see the house. It might discourage them.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, they're just going to have to be realistic. After all, when we first moved in here, this house was bleak and gloomy. Not everyone can start with that advantage.

Morticia Frump Addams: Now, dear, I have some wonderful ideas for your new house. And a most unusual color scheme.
Eleanor Digby: Oh?
Morticia Frump Addams: We'll start with the carpet - black.
Eleanor Digby: Black?
Morticia Frump Addams: Pitch.
Eleanor Digby: Perhaps as a base. I suppose the curtains...
Morticia Frump Addams: Black.
Eleanor Digby: What about the wallpaper?
Morticia Frump Addams: Black!
Eleanor Digby: And the furniture coverings? Black?
Morticia Frump Addams: No!
Eleanor Digby: [relieved] Ohh...
Morticia Frump Addams: OFF-black. You must have some contrast, you know.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling, I've had a new inspiration for the Digby house.
Gomez Addams: Ah, those lucky devils! What is it this time?
Morticia Frump Addams: I want to bring the garden right into the living room.
Gomez Addams: Glass walls, eh?
Morticia Frump Addams: No, dirt floor.

Morticia Frump Addams: Does it strike you as odd that nobody has been inside my model home? They just glance in the door and walk on.
Gomez Addams: Ah, the house is obviously too far ahead of its time. Frank Lloyd Wright had the same problem.


"The Addams Family: Wednesday Leaves Home (#1.10)" (1964)
Morticia Frump Addams: My name is Mrs. Addams and I want you to find my little girl, Wednesday.
Sgt. Haley: Look, I'll find her Tuesday, if I can, but don't give me no deadlines, will you please?
Morticia Frump Addams: Wednesday's her name.
Sgt. Haley: Oh, and I suppose you're gonna tell me her middle name is Thursday, huh?
Morticia Frump Addams: Friday.

Uncle Fester Frump: She's been shooting off all of my dynamite caps.
Morticia Frump Addams: [to Wednesday] Darling, you have dynamite caps of your own.
Wednesday Addams: But they're not any fun. They just go "poop."
Gomez Addams: At your age, a little "poop" ought to be enough.

Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, this is not a fun matter. That child has got to be taught to play with her OWN explosives.

Gomez Addams: Well, I guess Wednesday's really gone.
Morticia Frump Addams: Someday, when she's slaving away in a tuna cannery, she may remember the life of ease she had in this lovely home.
Gomez Addams: Raggéd, penniless, her little fingers bleeding from the tuna cans, she may return and say she's sorry.
Morticia Frump Addams: And when that happens, we'll take her back - if we have room.
Wednesday Addams: [hiding and listening] If they have room?
Gomez Addams: Come, my dear, let's go down and remove her pictures from the family album.


"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Tree (#1.5)" (1964)
Gomez Addams: I always did suspect those white plastic ducks out on the lawn.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, some people have a twisted sense of beauty.

Gomez Addams: You'll have to challenge Pomeroy to a duel.
Uncle Fester Frump: No, I'd rather shoot him in the back.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester! That is not the honorable way.
Uncle Fester Frump: I know, but it's the safe way.

[Yowl]
Cecil B. Pomeroy: Merciful Heavens! What was that?
Gomez Addams: [matter-of-factly] Pugsley's jaguar.
Cecil B. Pomeroy: Pugsley's jag...? You mean that your child is having my son ride a wild animal?
Morticia Frump Addams: Don't worry. When Fang makes THAT noise, nobody rides him.

Morticia Frump Addams: [noticing Professor Simm glasses at the table without Professor Simms behind them] Darling, where's Professor Simms?
[Gomez and Morticia notice their lion, Kitty, lazing out on the living room carpet in high satisfaction]
Morticia Frump Addams: Do you think...?
Gomez Addams: [smiling broadly] You know Kitty can't STAND the taste of people.


"The Addams Family: Pugsley's Allowance (#2.21)" (1966)
Gomez Addams: Surely you don't object to the lad seeking honest employment.
Dr. Bird: Oh, no, not at all. What I object to is him coming right in in the middle of an appendectomy wielding a scalpel.
Morticia Frump Addams: I'm sure he was only trying to help.
Gomez Addams: Don't you have an apprentice program like the plumbers and carpenters?

Mr. Glenville: Mrs. Addams, it is not the policy of the First National Bank to start our trainees off in the vault. What bothers me is how he got in there in the first place.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, I think I can explain that. He dug a tunnel.
Mr. Glenville: A tunnel?
Morticia Frump Addams: Yes, he's always digging tunnels. Aren't you, Pugsley, darling?
Pugsley Addams: I had to. You kept throwing me out of your office.

Mr. Glenville: Your son's been pestering me for a job.
Morticia Frump Addams: That's hardly cause for violence.
Mr. Glenville: The job he wanted was vice president.
Gomez Addams: What's wrong with that?
Mr. Glenville: I'M vice president!

Morticia Frump Addams: [referring to Pugsley and Wednesday] Ah, trust an Addams to finish the job.
Gomez Addams: "Finish" the job? They're the first Addames who've ever had one.


"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Splurges (#1.19)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: [to Fester] Would you like to take the vulture for a little stroll? She seems to take to humans.
Gomez Addams: Her favorite food.

Morticia Frump Addams: It's a comfort to have a machine do our thinking for us.

Uncle Fester Frump: [looking at the newspaper] Hey, did you know that Little Orphan Annie's got no eyeballs?
Morticia Frump Addams: That's part of her charm.

Track Announcer: Granny's Lover has been disqualified for crowding, shoving and kicking.
Morticia Frump Addams: How ridiculous! What else do they expect from a horse?


"The Addams Family: Lurch's Grand Romance (#2.29)" (1966)
Uncle Fester Frump: We thought you were getting married.
Trivia: Oh, I was on the verge but I just couldn't go through with it.
Morticia Frump Addams: Why not?
Trivia: He never asked me.

Gomez Addams: Tish, you spoke French.
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling, please. There's a time and place for everything.
Gomez Addams: How 'bout here and now?

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, dear, I can't believe it. My best friend, a husband stealer.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, she could get in trouble doing that. That's petty larceny.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, this thing with Trivia has gone far enough.
Gomez Addams: You're absolutely right. Heh, jilting me for Fester.


"The Addams Family: Addams Cum Laude (#2.25)" (1966)
Morticia Frump Addams: Why on Earth would the principal scold you?
Pugsley Addams: Search us. We were just showing the kids how to shoot dynamite caps.
Pugsley Addams: Ah, seems harmless enough. At last they weren't frittering away their time with marbles.

Pugsley Addams: When my octopus gave the teacher a hug, she got so flustered she rang the fire alarm.
Morticia Frump Addams: Dear Aristotle, he's such an affectionate creature.
Gomez Addams: Sometimes I worry about the way he takes up with total strangers.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, why don't you relax. You must be utterly exhausted.
Gomez Addams: The Chancellor of Adams Hall has little time for creature comforts, my dear. Remember, "Tempus Fungus."
Morticia Frump Addams: "Fugits."
Gomez Addams: That, too.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, how touching, darling. You wanted to buy me Harvard for my birthday.
Gomez Addams: Well, come to think of it, it is rather a silly gift for a beautiful woman. I SHOULD get you Vasser.


"The Addams Family: Mother Lurch Visits the Addams Family (#1.17)" (1965)
[Using a crossbow, Gomez and Morticia are shooting at apples tossed mid-air by Thing]
Morticia Frump Addams: Now isn't this better than shooting apples off of Lurches head?
Gomez Addams: Much safer and, uh, less expensive. These poor steel-tipped arrows haven't a chance against Lurch's head.

[Morticia decides they should all play servants under Lurch during his mother's visit]
Morticia Frump Addams: Now, Uncle Fester, you can be the gardener.
Uncle Fester Frump: Forget it.
Morticia Frump Addams: But, Uncle Fester, wouldn't you like to putter around in the back yard, maybe plant some crabgrass or stickweed?
Uncle Fester Frump: I like the backyard just the way it is - bare!

[Training Lurch to behave like master of the house, Morticia presents him the newspaper]
Morticia Frump Addams: No, no, Lurch. Not the funnies - the financial page. Wealthy men always turn to the financial page first.
Lurch: [resolutely] I like the FUNNIES!

Morticia Frump Addams: Lurch, as mistress of this house I'm ordering you to make eyes at me.


"The Addams Family: Cat Addams (#2.26)" (1966)
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, why don't I cable the white hunter and tell him to expect us?
Gomez Addams: Excellent idea, my dear. Tell him: accommodations for seven people, one lion, one alligator, one octopus and one spider. Better forget the spider. I like to travel light.

[Gomez concludes his call to Dr. Mbogo]
Gomez Addams: [to Morticia] Refuses to come out and see Kitty-Cat.
Morticia Frump Addams: Refuses to see him?
Gomez Addams: Seems his father ate his father.

Dr. Marvin P. Gunderson: Now what are your cat's symptoms?
Morticia Frump Addams: He seems to have no appetite at all. He hasn't eaten since yesterday, and then all he had was a leg of yak, some marinated cheetah and a soufflé of aardvark.

Morticia Frump Addams: I do hope you can help Kitty-Cat.
Gomez Addams: We couldn't even tempt him with broiled elephant hooves.
Dr. Marvin P. Gunderson: Your cat likes broiled elephant hooves?
Morticia Frump Addams: Doesn't everyone?


"The Addams Family: The New Neighbors Meet the Addams Family (#1.9)" (1964)
Morticia Frump Addams: [joining Gomez at the window] Well, what do they look like?
Gomez Addams: Oh, just ordinary moving men. One's tall; one's medium.
Morticia Frump Addams: No, darling, I mean the new neighbors.
Gomez Addams: Oh. I haven't seen THEM yet.

Amanda Peterson: [learning of Fester's hobby] You mean there's somebody exploding dynamite - inside your house?
Morticia Frump Addams: Where else would he do it?

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, Gomez, we've been very selfish. After all, they're newlyweds. I should've been over there a long time ago with a pot of henbane soup, some of my dwarf's hair cobbler, and marital advice.
Gomez Addams: Let's go over right now.
Morticia Frump Addams: No, darling, I have a better idea. Let's invite them over tonight for a game of bridge.
Gomez Addams: You think they'll want to play bridge on their wedding night?
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh course. It'll relax them.

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, I DO hope the new neighbors will like the house. Do you think they will?
Gomez Addams: How can they help it?
Morticia Frump Addams: It IS nice and dismal, isn't it?
Gomez Addams: Don't be modest, my dear - it's absolutely bleak.


"The Addams Family: Feud in the Addams Family (#2.11)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: Abigail's always fancied herself as the head of the Addams family. Besides, she thinks I'm some kind of a nut.
Morticia Frump Addams: You? Impossible!
Gomez Addams: Even tried to prove it in court once before.
Uncle Fester Frump: Good thing the judge fell asleep.

Pugsley Addams: Yesterday she got so upset for him while waiting for his call that she let the trains run for twenty minutes without one crash.
Morticia Frump Addams: Wednesday, you didn't.
Gomez Addams: Shocking waste of electricity. We could've recharged Uncle Fester TEN TIMES with all that power.
Wednesday Addams: I'm sorry, Father, but you don't measure love with dollars.
Pugsley Addams: That's a woman for ya.

Morticia Frump Addams: Black is such a happy color.

Eleanor Courtney: And now if we could just meet OLD Mrs. Addams.
Morticia Frump Addams: As soon as she's finished wrestling the alligator.


"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Breadwinner (#1.26)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: Did you see the paper this morning? The bottom fell out of the stock market again.
Morticia Frump Addams: They really ought to fix that rickety old place. The bottom's ALWAYS falling out of it.

Morticia Frump Addams: We MUST think of ways to make money.
Uncle Fester Frump: I know an easy way.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh?
Uncle Fester Frump: Print it.

Morticia Frump Addams: What woman could possibly ask for more than Uncle Fester himself?
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, yeah. Well, you got me there.

[Grandmama returns from a day of job hunting]
Grandmama Addams: I went to every beauty shop in town. Nothin'!
Morticia Frump Addams: I'm very surprised. Your talent is so obvious.
Grandmama Addams: Honey, it isn't WHAT you know, it's WHO you know.
Morticia Frump Addams: That's true.


"The Addams Family: Gomez, the People's Choice (#2.5)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Incompetence in office - the bane of our existence!
Gomez Addams: To think that in the last election I VOTED for that unmitigated scoundrel!
Morticia Frump Addams: Not only that, darling, you voted for him twice.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling.
Gomez Addams: Yes, my dear.
Morticia Frump Addams: It's time for your baby-kissing practice session.

Reporter: How do you feel about slums?
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, preserving our historical landmark is his first consideration.
Gomez Addams: Start out picking on slums, you wind up doing away with swamps!
Morticia Frump Addams: And when you do away with swamps, where are the children going to play?

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, dear, sweet, kind Gomez - I've turned him into a Frankenstein!
Uncle Fester Frump: There IS a resemblance.


"The Addams Family: Halloween with the Addams Family (#1.7)" (1964)
Morticia Frump Addams: [singing] It's so nice to have a thing around the house.

Morticia Frump Addams: When we're together, darling, every night is Halloween.

[an explosion in the cauldron]
Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, the punch is ready.

Gomez Addams: [beginning the traditional holiday poem] Twas Halloween evening, and through the abode Not a creature was stirring, not even a toad. Jack-o-lanterns are hung on the gallows with care...
Morticia Frump Addams: ...To guide Sister Witch as she flies through the air.
Gomez Addams: Drawn by eight beautiful bats. And she calls out to them...
Morticia Frump Addams: Come Flitter, come Flutter, come Flapper and Flier...
Uncle Fester Frump: ...Come Chitter, come Chatter, come Vicious Vampire.


"The Addams Family: Fester's Punctured Romance (#1.3)" (1964)
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, Gomez, the most touching thing has happened.
Gomez Addams: [romantically] Your carnivorous plant put his tentacle around you again. Tish, I think you've been feeding them altogether too much hamburger.

Gomez Addams: Morticia, I must tell you: Uncle Fester is not himself.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, is that bad?
Gomez Addams: [thinking] Maybe not.

Uncle Fester Frump: [ready to post his love letter] Do you think I ought to send a snapshot along?
Morticia Frump Addams: I believe so. How about that nice one the city took?
Gomez Addams: The time you fell asleep on the park bench and they carried you off to the morgue by mistake.

Miss Carver: [with utmost professional charm] That gentleman behind you is Uncle Fester. I know from the description I received.
Uncle Fester Frump: [dreading a forced marriage] You can't force me!
Miss Carver: I never use force, just gentle persuasion. And sometimes in difficult cases I merely give a free sample and leave the prospect to think it over.
Morticia Frump Addams: Miss Carver! We don't continence such behavior in this house.
Miss Carver: Well, then I'll be happy to accept cash.


"The Addams Family: Uncle Fester, Tycoon (#2.16)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: [in the guise of Diana's mother] You owe me a nickel!
Uncle Fester Frump: Ya need it all at once?

Uncle Fester Frump: All right! If that's what it takes, I'll get it! You'll see! I'll be a big success! I'll throw gold, and diamonds, right at your daughter's feet!
Morticia Frump Addams: [in the guise of Diana's mother] I warn you, she 's got... very big feet!

Uncle Fester Frump: [explaining why there's a light bulb in his mouth] Oh, the children persuaded me to light up and ride my cycle around, just for old time's sake.
Morticia Frump Addams: We love to watch him ride his motorcycle in the house.
Gomez Addams: And wrestle the alligator.
Thaddeus Logan: Wrestle... the alligator? A LIVE alligator?
Gomez Addams: Not very sporting wrestling a dead one.


"The Addams Family: Cousin Itt's Problem (#2.6)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: What is it, Lurch? Is something wrong?
Lurch: Hair!
Pugsley Addams: Mother, look. There's hair on the chair, too.
Morticia Frump Addams: Cousin Itt, you're losing your hair!

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, Gomez, would you make the cocktails? You do them so well.
Gomez Addams: It's that extra sprig of henbane.

Morticia Frump Addams: [having served tea] It's my husband's pieces de resistance - Creme de la Toadstool.
Gomez Addams: [from elsewhere in the house] QUERIDA!
Gomez Addams: [slides down Fester's firemen's pole and rushes to Morticia's arm] Tish! You spoke French!


"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Meets the Undercover Man (#1.16)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Some strange things have been going on in this house, and we feel you ought to know about them.

Gomez Addams: I'm going to have to have to make a citizens arrest.
Morticia Frump Addams: Wait a minute, darling. What if he isn't a citizen?
Mr. Hollister: Oh, now look here! Of COURSE I'm a citizen.
Gomez Addams: Good! Then it's legal.

Morticia Frump Addams: Dear Mr. Hollister... We should send him something. I have it! Some of Mama's candied porcupine.
Gomez Addams: Ah, the simple things are the best.


"The Addams Family: Dead and Breakfast (#1.2)" (1992)
Morticia Addams: [painting] Are you ready to finish posing for me, Lurch?
[Lurch appears in a cavalier's outfit]
Morticia Addams: Thank you. Now could you look at me with that boyish twinkle in your eye?
[Lurch grimaces]
Morticia Addams: Perfect.

Morticia Addams: Oh, Gomez, are you thinking what I am?
Gomez Addams: How could I forget, Tish? Dangerous criminals, a desperate scuffle, trapped hopelessly in hanging cages - QUERIDA!
Morticia Addams: It was the most romantic night, our twenty-second date...

Morticia Addams: But wait a while before letting us out, children, your father and I are just getting uncomfortable...


"The Addams Family: Morticia Joins the Ladies League (#1.6)" (1964)
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, being married to you makes me the world's most fortunate woman.
Gomez Addams: You always were so frank.

Morticia Frump Addams: [observing Gorgo] You know, I've been watching him play with Pugsley. They've been racing to the top of that tree. Pugsley's won every time.
Gomez Addams: A true Addams. Of course, the boy has an advantage: Gorgo can't hang by his teeth like our son can.

Morticia Frump Addams: I know the effect you have on the opposite sex.
Gomez Addams: Sometimes it frightens ME.
Morticia Frump Addams: I live in constant fear that some woman will steal you away from me.
Gomez Addams: Banish the fear, mi calida. You are the only cactus in the garden of my life.


"The Addams Family: Gomez, the Politician (#1.4)" (1964)
Gomez Addams: That's our old friend from the school board - Sam L. Hilliard. I've changed horses in mid-stream. That's the Addams way!
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, of course.
Gomez Addams: The L stands for Lucifer.
Morticia Frump Addams: Very appropriate for a politician.

Gomez Addams: We want to get our butler, Lurch, on television.
Morticia Frump Addams: We feel he'll appeal to the women's vote.
Gomez Addams: Camera moves in. It's a close up of Lurch.
[bong]
Gomez Addams: Lurch expresses himself on the candidacy of Sam L. Hilliard.
Lurch: Ughghghghgh ughghghghghghghgh.
Gomez Addams: Animal magnetism, you can't top that.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez is responsible for putting more criminals behind bars that any other man in the United States.
Sam L. Hilliard: You, a prosecuting attorney?
Gomez Addams: Attorney for the defense.


"The Addams Family: The Addams Policy (#2.28)" (1966)
Morticia Frump Addams: [as Fester aims to light Gomez's cigar with a flame-thrower] Uncle Fester, you have nerves of steel.
Gomez Addams: Now if only his hands would stop shaking.

Mr. Joe Digby: [looking at a pile of ashes] I don't want to quibble but how do I know that was a bear?
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, let's use simple logic. Does it look like an antelope?
Mr. Joe Digby: No.
Morticia Frump Addams: A zebra?
Mr. Joe Digby: No.
Morticia Frump Addams: A giraffe?
Mr. Joe Digby: No.
[later]
Morticia Frump Addams: An elephant?
Mr. Joe Digby: No.
Morticia Frump Addams: A tiger?
[much later]
Mr. Joe Digby: No.
Morticia Frump Addams: A camel?
Mr. Joe Digby: No.
Morticia Frump Addams: A gorilla?
Mr. Joe Digby: Well, uh... No! No!
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, then it must be a bear.
Gomez Addams: Querida, with your incisive mind you should be on the supreme court.
Morticia Frump Addams: [considering it] I do love those black robes.

Gomez Addams: We don't want money. What we want is another bear.
Morticia Frump Addams: What else could possibly go with our decor?
Mr. Joe Digby: The bear may be a little hard to come by. How about a lion?
Morticia Frump Addams: We already have one.
Mr. Joe Digby: Stuffed?
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, he is after he's had his dinner.


"The Addams Family: Green-Eyed Gomez (#1.8)" (1964)
Morticia Frump Addams: I've been yours since that first day you carved my initials in your leg.
Gomez Addams: I have been yours since the day I first saw you riding side-saddle on a buffalo.

[Gomez writes Morticia a love poem]
Gomez Addams: When the blazing sun has turned to mud, And the moon lies dead in a pool of blood, And the tom-tom beat of eternity starts, Whom will I love in my heart of hearts? Mortica.
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, that's beautiful.


"The Addams Family: Happy Birthday, Grandma Frump (#2.22)" (1966)
Morticia Frump Addams: [having been left out of this year's annual charity bizarre] What reason could they possibly have for not letting us know. We've always donated more than our share.
Gomez Addams: Who else would give them a beautiful stuffed python crushing a water buffalo.
Morticia Frump Addams: Or the chopping block of Ivan the Terrible with original nicks still in it.
Gomez Addams: I even threw in the headman's ax that made those nicks.
Morticia Frump Addams: You didn't!
Gomez Addams: Well, I got carried away.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, darling, you're generous to a fault.
Gomez Addams: That's true. Did you see some of the junk the other people gave?
Morticia Frump Addams: Certainly takes no imagination to donate an original Van Gogh.
Gomez Addams: Right. Now, if someone donated his ear...

Gomez Addams: What's the matter with her?
Morticia Frump Addams: I was just going to ask YOU that.
Gomez Addams: Glad I asked first.


"The Addams Family: Ophelia Visits Morticia (#2.24)" (1966)
Ophelia Frump: I think I'll end it all.
Gomez Addams: I'll tell Morticia there'll be one less for lunch.
Ophelia Frump: Gomez! Suicide on an empty stomach?


"The Addams Family: Art and the Addams Family (#1.14)" (1964)
Morticia Frump Addams: The mail's in.
Gomez Addams: [kissing her arm, not wanting to stop] We got all we need.


"The Addams Family: Christmas with the Addams Family (#2.15)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: [after Morticia finishes her Christmas song] Tish, you sing like a robin.
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez!
Gomez Addams: Sorry, I meant like a raven.


"The Addams Family: Camp Addams/Little Doll Lost/King of the Polycotton Blues (#2.7)" (1993)
Mrs. Normanmeyer: [to a bedraggled Gomez] Ewww! You look like something the cat dragged in!
Gomez Addams: Why, Normanmeyer, how did you know we spent the night in the lion pit?
Morticia Addams: He must have been kept awake by the snarls, growls and screams he heard...
Gomez Addams: Sorry, old boy, but Mrs. Addams brings out the beast in me!


"The Addams Family: Little Big Thing/Little Bad Riding Hood/Metamorphosister (#1.13)" (1992)
Morticia Addams: Thing says he's grown 20 feet.
Uncle Fester: That's funny, the last time I saw him he only had five fingers.


"The New Addams Family: Progress in the Addams Family (#1.51)" (1999)
Morticia Addams: Oh, Gomez, I love it when you take an irrational stance against overwhelming odds with no hope of success.


"The New Addams Family: Morticia, the Sculptress (#1.35)" (1999)
Morticia Addams: It's so lovely that our status is finally back to quo.
Gomez Addams: Tish, was that French?
Morticia Addams: No. But I won't tell if you don't.


"The New Addams Family: Gomez, the Reluctant Lover (#1.7)" (1998)
Morticia Addams: Gomez, I'm leaving this house and I'm taking the children with me!
Gomez Addams: Take the children! Take the neighbor's children! Take Mama!
Morticia Addams: [frowning slightly] She's your Mama.
Gomez Addams: Fine, we'll share custody. But I get Lurch.


"The Addams Family: Sweetheart of a Brother (#2.4)" (1993)
Morticia Addams: [about Pugsley's love] Darling, she's so pleasant...
Gomez Addams: Well, they say love is blind.


"The New Addams Family: Morticia's Dilemma (#1.18)" (1998)
Morticia Addams: Cabellero mio.
Gomez Addams: Tish, that's... Spanish. Oh, well just as good.


"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Meet the VIPs (#1.11)" (1964)
Morticia Frump Addams: [regarding the Russian dignitaries] Mr. Harris says he's glad their gone. He said he overheard them talking about taking Lurch with them for "scientific purposes."
Gomez Addams: Ha-ha - "Scientific purposes:" The things people will do to get a good servant.
Morticia Frump Addams: Most ungracious.


"The Addams Family: Morticia and the Psychiatrist (#1.2)" (1964)
Morticia Frump Addams: What's closer in this world than a boy and his mother?
Pugsley Addams: A boy and his octopus?


"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Meets a Beatnik (#1.15)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Now, darling, we want this to be a real surprise to Rocky, so I'll instruct the children to keep it an absolute secret. They're not to tell a living soul - or anyone else for that matter.